Suzanne

I have been thinking about what to say to you for two days since I first read your comment.

This is what I remembered.

I had a friend who was a famous family oriented psychiatrist.

I was telling him about a couple I knew who were so wonderful.

“They never fight,” I said.

He looked at me seriously and said -

“People who never fight don’t care about each other. Fighting is natural. People are different.”

Please think about this. X out that last conversation and remember the love and closeness and good times.

I have a post of this site called -
http://www.when your husband has died-a survival guide. There are 3000 widows on it supporting each other. You can be anonymous. Look into it. Everyone loving each other.

My heart is with you.

I wrote those words. I had lost a son in an accident and people were telling me “Life goes on.”

After a while, I had no one to talk to. People aren’t comfortable and want you to just forget it and move on.

It sounds as though you have resumed your life – but she is still in your heart and your mind.

My son died several years ago and there are days when it feels that it was yesterday.

A love like yours will never be a thing you get over. But the love is real and you were capable of having it.

So the capacity for love is there.

It is like a prison sentence. But when you get out from behind bars, you are out.

It is a cliche that time heals. But it does. Just let it pass, Try to stay as far away from her and her children and family as you can. You will keep ripping the scab off.

Love never dies. But it can be tranferred.

Don’t rush yourself. This is a big loss. Let hope die.

This is not a time for you to date. Too soon and not fair to another woman.

You are on sabbatical.

When you start to heal, help someone else. Volunteer in a soup kitchen. Work with the Boy Scouts. Take up a sport you might like.

You may also try a short time in therapy.

Pray. Even if you never have before.

And wait.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wondered what had happened to one of your sons. One name was missing in the dedication of your newer book.

I know from several friends and colleagues (way too many) over the years who have lost a child that it is something you never get over, ever. I have one son. Losing him is my deepest fear and worst nightmare.

The only thing I could ever do that seemed to help was listen and support the causes that took their children from them.

The most impressionable loss I’ve ever experienced personally happened when I was a young teenager. When I was 13, we lost a dear friend to cystic fibrosis. At the time, living to 13 was old for that disease. Jeff lived so long because he played trumpet, keeping his lungs clearer.

What we kids did to help was to make sure his parents were still full members of the band parents and knew our schedule. It seemed to comfort them to come to practices, concerts and performances, to be included in what used to be a normal part of their lives. We were all close to them and we continued to hang out with them like we used to.

His parents donated his drum set to the band. They let us decide whether to keep his trumpet or bury it with him. We felt he wouldn’t want to go on to the other side without it, so it was buried with him. We were asked to decide because band and his friends in band were such a huge and important part of his life.

Being 13, I didn’t see his loss as the loss of child at the time. For us, it was the loss of a dear friend and comrade. Looking back on it as a parent, I can’t image what it would be like to know from early in his life, that your child would not live to grow up. Because we knew his life would be short, no one ever left unfinished business with him.

The only thing I can say is the work we did for this cause has helped these kids to grow up and have children of their own today, just one generation later. It will never bring Jeff back, but it honors his memory and his hard fight. It’s what he told us he wanted.

Thank you for sharing, Corinne. I don’t know how you all go on, but you do.
.-= Being the Change I Wish to See´s last blog ..U.S. not really about equality =-.

This was such a difficult article to post.

It had been in my consciousness. For years.

Then recently, a feature writer for AARP contacted me about my post about the widows forum which evolved on its own.

I went back and reread all the almost 300 comments.

As I said in the article, so many were trying to get back to “normal.’

Normal is over. I felt someone should say something.

So, I wrote about it . I set in my cache for several days. I could not push that “publish” button. Ir was too painful to be that revealing.

I have a son who just walks out of the room when his brother is mentioned.

Thank you for supporting me here.,