We had a shocking loss of a young person in the family. My 21 year old son had died in an accident.
The next day, a friend came to see us. His son had been killed by a drunk driver.
His words were a surprise. They did not sink in until much later.
“You will never get over this. If you know this in advance, you won’t try. You will not struggle and condemn yourself for not succeeding.”
He was right. His words became a consolation. I stopped trying.
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article called When Your Husband Has Died – A Survival Guide.
It has turned out to be a forum for widows – over 250 and still coming in. They don’t just comment – they talk to each other, tell their heartbreaking stories and comfort each other. I rarely comment because it now belongs to them.
There is a thread going through the comments that they will recover from the overwhelming grief and their life will become normal again.
That is why I decided to write this article. I wanted to share my friend’s words with them and you.
The old normal is gone. There is a hole in your heart and your being that will never be filled.
I related to so many things the women confided. I read their stories – did the same things. I also felt my son around all the time. I went to psychics to try to contact him. Even to a séance. I prayed for messages. I dreamed about him often. I imagined I saw him in a crowd of people. I would not let him go.
One psychic told me that those who have gone on to the other side are allowed to stay around for a while. To help and comfort. But not forever. I started feeling him less and less. Dreaming of him only once in a while. But , everyday, he has never left my heart.
After a period of intense pain, you will be different. The person you were is gone. It is an amputation. Eventually, a new person will emerge. It will be the new normal.
A new life will start to happen but the limb you have lost will not grow back. You will have something in common with a soldier who bravely runs a marathon despite having a prosthesis for a leg.
As my friend said, you will never get over it.
This new person will have a life which includes peace, love and even laughter, community and new friendships. It can and will happen in your own time.
I believe there is a tiny gift inherent in every unspeakable tragedy.
One is compassion. I could not have written that article for widows if I had not experienced the grief of losses in my life. I would not have been able to connect.
Another is knowing how to help someone else who is in that state of extreme pain.
The world does not allow you much time. You hear platitudes like “Life goes on” and “Thank God you have other family.” As though others can replace the one you have lost. I find you get about two months to get over it. With all fairness, they don’t know what to say. What they don’t know is that they need only to listen.
Part of the gift is giving someone else your time to listen far beyond the window allowed. You know they have no one to talk to. You reach out more.
The sharing of this gift, when you are able, will comfort you.
You will no longer struggle to “get over it.” You will trust that if you are still on this earth, there must be a reason.
The new normal person will find that reason. It may not quite exist yet – but it is becoming.
When Your Husband Has Died – A Survival Guide
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you Corrine. It is a very rough road. It is.
I am.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Thanks for writing this, Corinne, plus the article about your husband. I am one of the women who has been part of the forum, and have been comforted by connecting with others who also need to write about dealing with their loss. My fantastic husband of 43 years died from pancreatic cancer in June 2008. I’ve known all along that I’ll never get over it, and I haven’t tried. But I am learning to live with it.
The most important sentence in this article contains a truth that is now the focus of my life: “You will trust that if you are still on this earth, there must be a reason.” Daily I go to our Creator for guidance as to what He wants me to do with the rest of this life He has given me, and I look forward to the time that He will bring me home to join Him and my husband.
Unfortunately I have known a friends who have lost children. I can’t even imagine and of course it is my worst nightmare. Looking back I could have reached out more. Listened more.- especially to one friend who lives next door. I went on with my life while she is in a new normal. This is a gentle reminder that she can probably use someone who will listen – even now – 10 years later.
Great article, Corinne. You always write thought-provoking messages.
I assume you would also consider the reverse: men losing their long term
wives. We struggle too in a slightly different way. June was there when I needed her most. She is a trooper!
Regards,
Frank
When my son was less than a year old, I had a dream in which he died. I woke myself up sobbing and was so upset that it was a month before I could tell my husband about the dream. It was months and months before I could visit the place where he died in the dream. Still, I can only imagine the pain of losing a child.
I am going to print this out for my sister whose son died 3 years ago from suicide. Thanks for telling me she will never get over it.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker´s last blog ..Calm
Dear Mary Lotus Butterfly and Jeanine -
I have followed you stories for some time. I think everyone on the forum knows that I know where they are coming from.
I especially appreciate you, Mary Lotus Butterfly, because have stayed in the group and continue giving hope to people from your experience – not of “getting over it” – but living with it.
Much love to all of you.
Corinne
Dear Michelle -
Thank you for your such caring words.
But that is who you are anyway.
I am sure that your neighbor would appreciate any listening you can give her. Just being around sometimes is a consolation – even if she does not want to talk about it.
Dear Frank -
Yes, you are right. The article does also include widowers and anyone who has lost a love.
I hope you will find in your heart to remember the good times and the wonderful support you have received even if relationships afterwards do not work out as hoped.
I wish you the best, Frank.
Dear Patricia -
Dreams do not predict events but reflect our greatest fears.
You have used your pain and fear in your life to help so many people. You are one of the bravest people I know in your writing about incest.
No one talks about that. Those who have had the experience benefit from your courage in bringing that shameful truth out in the open.
Please send this post to your sister. She needs to hear if from someone who has had the worst loss of all. Send her my love along with the article.
I believe that those of us that have never lost a child, can’t possibly know the feeling, can’t imagine that journey. I’m amazed at the resilience of those I’ve known who have gone through that particular “tenderizing” process, and I know they would agree with you. You never get over it.
Sharon Beck
Sharon Beck´s last blog ..Texas Stew and a new video
Corinne, thank you.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker´s last blog ..Calm
Dear Corrine,
My heart was heavy when I read this blog. It still is as I write. Since I lost my own precious son, I feel a weight on my shoulders constantly. Perhaps that is why my daughter always says “stand up straight, mom.” How can I when I feel the burden of my child gone. I feel so guilty. There is so much I should have done or not done. So much I should have said. Now my chances are gone. It has taught me to cherish and show my love to those who are here on earth for me.
I miss him so and my mom too. I kiss their pictures on my dresser everyday and send messages to them in Heaven. I hope they hear my words.
Love,
Sondra
Dear Sondra -
There is not a person on this planet who does not wish they could go back and do things over.
The only consolation is that we would have done things differently if we knew what we know now.
We did the best we could at the time.
And we do the best we can do now.
I believe with all my heart that your son and your Mom do hear your words. And it helps you to say them.
Dear Sharon -
This is a true statement -
“I’m amazed at the resilience of those I’ve known who have gone through that”
They do it one day at a time. Which is what we have to do in life anyway.
I like this post, thanks for sharing.
This is a difficult topic that not many people want to write about or talk about. Thank you for sharing. I lost my brother a few years ago.
Tom´s last blog ..The Secrets to Becoming the Goal Setter and Achiever
Dear Tom -
This was such a difficult article to post.
It had been in my consciousness. For years.
Then recently, a feature writer for AARP contacted me about my post about the widows forum which evolved on its own.
I went back and reread all the almost 300 comments.
As I said in the article, so many were trying to get back to “normal.’
Normal is over. I felt someone should say something.
So, I wrote about it . I set in my cache for several days. I could not push that “publish” button. Ir was too painful to be that revealing.
I have a son who just walks out of the room when his brother is mentioned.
Thank you for supporting me here.,
Corinne,
I am so sorry for your loss. I wondered what had happened to one of your sons. One name was missing in the dedication of your newer book.
I know from several friends and colleagues (way too many) over the years who have lost a child that it is something you never get over, ever. I have one son. Losing him is my deepest fear and worst nightmare.
The only thing I could ever do that seemed to help was listen and support the causes that took their children from them.
The most impressionable loss I’ve ever experienced personally happened when I was a young teenager. When I was 13, we lost a dear friend to cystic fibrosis. At the time, living to 13 was old for that disease. Jeff lived so long because he played trumpet, keeping his lungs clearer.
What we kids did to help was to make sure his parents were still full members of the band parents and knew our schedule. It seemed to comfort them to come to practices, concerts and performances, to be included in what used to be a normal part of their lives. We were all close to them and we continued to hang out with them like we used to.
His parents donated his drum set to the band. They let us decide whether to keep his trumpet or bury it with him. We felt he wouldn’t want to go on to the other side without it, so it was buried with him. We were asked to decide because band and his friends in band were such a huge and important part of his life.
Being 13, I didn’t see his loss as the loss of child at the time. For us, it was the loss of a dear friend and comrade. Looking back on it as a parent, I can’t image what it would be like to know from early in his life, that your child would not live to grow up. Because we knew his life would be short, no one ever left unfinished business with him.
The only thing I can say is the work we did for this cause has helped these kids to grow up and have children of their own today, just one generation later. It will never bring Jeff back, but it honors his memory and his hard fight. It’s what he told us he wanted.
Thank you for sharing, Corinne. I don’t know how you all go on, but you do.
Being the Change I Wish to See´s last blog ..U.S. not really about equality
When you think you are alone, it is not so. There are a lot out there, only thing is to find them.
I did not lose my loved one to death. After 7 years, extremely close ties to her family, and a year engagement, she just left me. What you describe with the new normal and the soldier captured how I’ve felt since the split. Except the line you wrote, sent me into tears, because the new normal is so not normal to me. I dont want it to be.
joe blessing´s last blog ..The New Normal
I wrote this on your blog but I am repeating it here.
I wrote those words. I had lost a son in an accident and people were telling me “Life goes on.”
After a while, I had no one to talk to. People aren’t comfortable and want you to just forget it and move on.
It sounds as though you have resumed your life – but she is still in your heart and your mind.
My son died several years ago and there are days when it feels that it was yesterday.
A love like yours will never be a thing you get over. But the love is real and you were capable of having it.
So the capacity for love is there.
It is like a prison sentence. But when you get out from behind bars, you are out.
It is a cliche that time heals. But it does. Just let it pass, Try to stay as far away from her and her children and family as you can. You will keep ripping the scab off.
Love never dies. But it can be tranferred.
Don’t rush yourself. This is a big loss. Let hope die.
This is not a time for you to date. Too soon and not fair to another woman.
You are on sabbatical.
When you start to heal, help someone else. Volunteer in a soup kitchen. Work with the Boy Scouts. Take up a sport you might like.
You may also try a short time in therapy.
Pray. Even if you never have before.
And wait.