You’ve heard it before. If you want a soul mate you have to define what you want very carefully in order to manifest the person.
And the way to get started is to write out all the attributes that you are looking for.
So, you start. If you are a woman maybe you will take George Clooney for a model. (Me too)
If a man, she has got to be hot. Maybe like Madonna or Angelina Jolie. If you are adventurous, Paris Hilton?
Then, it gets serious. You start listing the other qualities.
Good looking (We covered that)
Brilliant
Kind
Wealthy
Available
Color of hair you prefer
Color of eyes and skin
Educated
Spiritual
Loves to travel
Loves to eat in fine restaurants
Drives a luxury car
You can fill in the rest. You know the drill.
What is never put on the list are the non-negotiables. Our bottom line. Not what we want. What we cannot do without.
STOP!
These are the qualifications we have to list first.
The things that you probably can never change about the person. The make or break for you in any relationship.
List those at the top of your page. Afterwards, we can get back to George Clooney and Angelina.
These could include:
A person who wants a family.
A person who has the same religion as yours.
A non-smoker. A non-drinker.
You are a wild-eyed liberal. You could not tolerate a Republican.
You have a great intolerance for fat. Even if the person has everything else.
You are close to your family. You don’t want someone who might want to move away. Or, who has a job that might involve a tranfer to a different city.
A happy person. Not a chronic depressive.
Write your “bottom line” out first. Not what you want but what you cannot do without.
Once you establish these minimum requirements, your basic needs, you can add the frills.
The basics are the requirements that you absolutely cannot compromise on.
Many people go ahead with a relationship on the basis of, “Oh, I can change that.” Or, “Love will find a way.”
We recognize the unacceptable but ignore the signals. We hope for the best.
It rarely happens.
Be careful on the list that you don’t make it so difficult that no one can qualify. Don’t price yourself out of the running. Do not write down preferences. Like you like to ski. That may not be a necessity unless you are a ski instructor. Or you are a movie buff so you want someone who loves to go to the movies. Edit these carefully.
We go through a lot of pain in relationships because we do not recognize where others are in their journey.
It is not that they are wrong. They are just wrong for us. And we can save a lot of time and heartbreak by scouring our own souls for what we absolutely must have in a long term love relationship.
OK. You can go back to your list now. A great dancer, right? Only travels first class. Entrepreneurial. Great conversationalist. Great body. Very sexy. Big (whatever). Great abs. Funny.
Throw it all in now. Just pay attention to the deal breakers at the top of the list.
And hope you get the rest. After all, George Clooney is still single.
And the Universe is listening.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
When the chemistry clicks, the long list is forgotten . . . maybe for the best. . .. and thanks, but I don’t want George Clooney – see there! . . v
You don’t like George Clooney?
Good. One less woman in the competition.
And – the chemistry thing. Gotten us all in a whole lot of trouble.
Nice, though. Put it on your list.
I agree. Chemistry has gotten me in a lot of trouble over the years….still… if I wasn’t married George might look pretty good.. or Sting…
Twitter: patriciasinglet
February 12, 2008 at 12:22 am
My husband had two things on his list as unacceptable:
1. I couldn’t smoke.
2. I couldn’t be Catholic because he didn’t want to have to change his religion.
I had 2 things as well:
1. He couldn’t smoke.
2. He couldn’t drink more than an occasional social drink. I come from a family with the disease of alcoholism. As a child, I didn’t have a choice. As an adult, I do.
I don’t know that either of us ever thought of a list of acceptable traits for our marriage partner.
What has worked for us both is that as well as being a couple, we are both individuals in the marriage. We like a lot of things in common and we also each have our own hobbies and friends in addition to the friends we share.
If I had to start looking for a new mate today, I would definitely know what I wanted in a partner. I like George Clooney too. Isn’t he gorgeous, especially those eyes.
Dear Michelle and Patricia -
Interesting that you two commented on this article and you are happily married -
Just goes to show that old or young, married or not, available or taken – we are still alive and can have fantasies!
Sting. YEAAAH!
Your article reminded me of someone I dated briefly before I married my late husband. He had no concept of what a healthy, functional relationship was. Everyone in his life had multiple dysfunctional relationships and the relationship he had had with his ex was sick to say the least, but he didn’t even know it. Needless to say, despite the fact that in the physical appearance department he was a cross between George Clooney and Richard Gere (I am NOT exaggerating), I knew in the first date that it was going nowhere. I would rather have Danny Devito with a good sense of what a healthy relationship is any day of the week.
Incidently, my mother has been dating a VERY VERY nice man (I LOVE this guy), but he is not even remotely nice looking. She is ending it. I was upset with her and she snapped at me, Would you date an ugly man? Then she caught herself. Oh, you would, wouldn’t you?
Yes, if he was nice and had a good sense of humor. I cannot live without a good sense of humor.
Dear Sandi -
Looks are nice but to me funny and brains are the ultimate turn on!
Tell you mother to reconsider if her almost boyfriend has these qualities!
Love this quote from Phil at http://www.makeitgreat.typepad.com
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” – Author Unknown
Twitter: patriciasinglet
February 12, 2008 at 11:23 am
I tell my husband that his sense of humor is why I married him. It matches mine. We laugh with each other a lot.
Oh, by the way Corinne, I LOVE George Clooney, too. Besides looks, he seems to have a good sense of humor.
I want him breathing and I want the chemistry… and he better have a lot of dough. Why else would I do it the third time?
Breathing is definitely nice – chemistry too.
Hope you find more things to put on your list. You could find someone with money and they lose it.
Then, what do you have?
http://gogle.com google