WHERE IS THE OL’ GIRL NETWORK?
This is about single women – who are also perhaps mothers, friends, credit card jugglers, car-poolers, entrepreneurs, lovers, workers, gardeners, even grandmothers. In short—a person trying to be everything to everybody and still have a life.
I know there are some serenely, happily coupled women out there who do all the same things, and if you are one of them, I don’t want to exclude you. Hopefully, you have someone to help support you. We singles are pretty much alone out here.
And we need your help.
You never know when you might need a reference guide to what it’s really like out there as a single woman. And – male readers? Sure. Come along. It wouldn’t hurt for you to catch a glimpse about how women really think.
But this is about us. The single ones who talk self-sufficiency but are furtively casting about for that guy who will defend the entrance to our cave. With all of our bravado, we are still whistling in the dark to keep ourselves safe. And no matter how successful we are, how many clothes we collect, how many pedicures we pay for, how many trips we take, how “interesting” our jobs, many of us cringe when we hear the question, “Are you seeing anyone?”
The world tends to make us feel deficient without a man. It is a couples world. So, we are apologetic to our families for being single . . . We give reasons and excuses to our friends . . . (there’s NOBODY out there) and too often, we put pieces of our life on hold until “he” comes along.
The inspirational books we read send a thunderous message. Nothing and no one outside ourselves can save us. Not even a soul mate. Serenity and peace cannot be found except in our own hearts. I believe that realization is our ultimate target.
Things are slowly changing. We are buying our own homes – traveling alone – investing our money. Making our own life decisions. Enjoying other people’s children if we don’t have our own. Having a life.
But some of us are not there yet. Glimpses—even epiphanies come and then seem to vanish on this roller coaster ride we signed up for.
Men support each other. On the football field. As fraternity brothers from the same college – as former colleagues in a business. They go out of their way to give their buddies a leg up. Even your plumber has a friend who is a carpenter he will recommend.
This is not a rally to exclude men. Bless them. We need them. But we could steal a page or two from their ol’ boy network manual.
WHERE IS THE OL’ GIRL NETWORK?
Most women have been brought up to be competitive with each other. For the cutest football star boyfriend – the trendiest clothes – for a cheerleading spot. The best marks. Most prestigious college. And then on to business, where we compete for recognition. Approval. Promotions. More money. It is truly “a jungle out there” in the corporate world.
We must broaden our vistas to include more women who are behind us. We need to help each other more.
One strength the boys cannot take away from us is this. The most powerful instrument women have is our intuitive talent for nurturing, whether in our homes or our businesses. As businesses realize the greater need for public relations and service, we are more and more coming into our own. This we know how to do. We are finally in style!
But, the glass ceiling they talk about is not broken. It is only cracked.
More work has to be done. This includes our reaching out to mentor a woman who is challenged with a personal or career decisions. A favor done at just the right time can make all the difference. It is time to do more of those favors.
In many instances, it is enough to just be there and listen. The best thing about talking to other women is that we permit each other’s difficulties to remain unsolved. Even if we say, “Quit that job” or “Get rid of that jerk,” we allow each other the option of taking no action on a problem at this time.
Men want to fix it immediately. And they get offended if their advice is not acted upon. Ultimately, we know what to do. We appreciate direction and that special favor but don’t need advice. Sometimes we just need someone to hear us out.
Neale Donald Walsch, in his beautiful book, Conversations with God, recounts that the most important question we can ask in any situation is “What would love do now?” I have those words taped on my computer screen. That guidance holds up under most circumstances. Remember to include your own happiness and welfare when you answer that question.
My mother’s favorite expression was, “In the light of all Eternity, most things don’t matter.” She was probably right but it sure feels important today.
Even if that is true, we owe it to ourselves to go for the gold everywhere in life anyway! Every way we can. And everyday. And remembering to put our hands back to pull our sisters along with us.
Because, whether single or in a relationship, we are beautiful, extraordinary women.
And we have a unique contribution to make—to ourselves, to other women and to our world.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Women are their own worst enemies. Men take care of each other almost from birth and while some women really look out for each other; it has been my experience that most women are looking out for themselves. Take Hillary!!! It makes me crazy that we women are not backing her to the hilt. She’s already been president for 8 years and by virtue of that has more experience to offer than any other candidate in history!!! Are women backing her – no way!!! Why not? I believe it’s just the usual with most women – jealousy – why not give her a chance JUST because she is a woman? Look at the mess we are in because of men!!!! I don’t understand it – what? you want a trainee in the White House? Or a litigation attorney (considered to be just a little lower than a snake’s belly!!) I could see if Hillary had no credentials – but she has superb one-of-a-kind-piece credentials. You know who will take her down — women…. I’m fed up. We have this one chance and we blow it as we have done historically.
Hmmmm – Grace -
Is this now a political blog? OK, I’m game.
All your points are well taken.
But if I were Hillary, I would say to Bill Clinton -
“Look Honey – I love you – but I can speak for myself. Could you tone it down a little?”
I think he is hurting her and more than just Obama is saying, “Who is running here?”
Come on, now, Grace, you can’t be serious . .. why would you want a loser like Hillary. . .How did you like the way she fixed the health plan when they first got in the White House. . . I won’t elaborate, but I liked Corinne’s article basically, but can’t help but long for the old days when fellows took you out, paid the bill, opened doors and helped you thru. I like the gentlemen of old, who respected you and treated you like a real lady. Victorian Vera
I had a very interesting conversation with a close friend of mine and her friend when visiting them in Orlando, Florida recently (it was so nice and warm and now we’re back in the COLD!).
Anyway, the conversation centered around those who choose to stay single versus those who go out and try to attract a mate. There’s a whole lotta books out there on this subject but one thing we talked about was;
“Do you want to grow old alone? Are you afraid of that? or “Do you feel you must need a partner to fill in the gaps?”
As for myself, I’m single and I have been for a long time. I love it. I like it but I also wonder what will happen if I get older and still don’t have a life partner. What then? Makes me wonder.
Anyway, good article!
Have we moved along so far that we has a gender don’t feel we have to support a woman for president just because she is a woman? ……I am a woman, and still unsure of who I’ll vote for. but.. I wish I could support Hillary..I might, haven’t decided yet…. So much baggage. It is a shame……….on another note, I try to support my single woman friends, (including 2 sisters), but don’t go out to do girl stuff very much…..I do love getting together once a month or so with a few close friends…. Great article Corinne.
P.S. I forgot to say I LOVE your Mom!
<p>Dear Michelle -</p>
<p>And my mother would have loved YOU!</p>
<p>God, I hope we have not gotten to the point where we feel obligated to vote for a woman just because she is one!</p>
<p>The primaries are in Illinois very soon now. Obama is probably my choice becasue he has more diplomatic skills and God knows we need a diplomat in the world. And also because those middle eastern leaders still don’t take women too seriously. But, I am still thinking about it too.</p>
Dear Stephen -
Your question -
“Do you want to grow old alone? Are you afraid of that? or “Do you feel you must need a partner to fill in the gaps?”
is a valid one. But those who have been unhappily married can tell you that there is no lonelier place to be. At least if you are single, you still have a chance to find someone you really adore – and who cherishes you!
I would say – stay where you are unless that happens. You have never had a “gap” in your whole life. You are constantely reinventing yourself. Why would you stop as you get older?
Hi Corinne,
I’m of the male persuasion. A couple of thoughts.
On the glass ceiling. Let the idiot males have the heart attacks. If you compete you let others set your agenda.
Both I and my female friends have found that women compete more with each other than men with men and that women are harsher critics than men. Although women are very happy to offer tips about how to handle children and spouses (not all that different?) too.
An ‘ol girls network seems important and much needed. Not sure what it would be called.
Great article, Corinne.
I think the biggest difference between the sexes as far as friendships are concerned is how easily we women leave ours behind when we move on in life. I know for a fact that I’ve been careless with keeping in touch with my friends from college. I am almost ashamed to admit they are a little lower on my list of priorities. My husband, on the other hand, meets up with his pals at least on weekends. In fact he’s out with them as I type this!
It’s not as if I was deliberately callous in letting my friendships fall by the wayside. It just happened gradually as my plate got fuller. No matter how busy men are, they always seem to find time for friends.
Hi Corinne,
What a great article! You hit very interesting points that span beyond single/couples relationships.
First of all, I think men are just as susceptible to the “Have you found the girl, yet?” syndrome as women are. Single men are facing the same societal expectations to find a mate for life. As a species, I think it is instinctive to come together and to seek emotional dependency upon other humans. It’s why most people live among a “community.” It’s hard for people to understand that someone would choose to live alone.
Secondly, women and men do approach judgment differently. Here is where I would be interested in what scientific studies have found in our genetics. How far back have women had to compete for a man to survive and does that have an effect on our current issues amongst each other? Are we working our way through “Darwinism” and overcoming “survival instincts” in a more equally grounded world?
In my past occupation, I always preferred to work among the men for the very reasons you state above. Women are harder on each other. They pass judgment and feel personally threatened when a woman works with them. Women also have a harder time of separating the personal/business aspect of a job.
Back to your original point, I think men get equal treatment, they just focus more on other aspects of the single/couple question. It’s more accepted that men are going to find temporary outlets for their companionship needs. Women have more to worry about due to the possibility of pregnancy. Women also have a harder time accepting help or networking to receive assistance. Women always want to be the one to give rather than receive (nuturing bug).
I do have to leave a comment for Grace! I like that you are playing (or not) devil’s advocate. I find Hillary to be false. It’s not that she’s a woman. Why should I feel a need to vote for her as a woman? It’s the issues she represents. The way she handles situations. Her acceptance of Bill’s past actions. She doesn’t represent what I want in a President. Now, if Condolessa Rice ever decides to run, I’ll support her because of her integrity and her devotion to our Country.
Oh, Evan, you are so right. It was the main point in my article – that women compete AGAINST EACH OTHER!
Thanks for adding your male viewpoint here. We are appreciative.
We don’t want you men to have a heart attack either! Why don’t you write about that?
Dear Cindy -
You hit it right with this comment!
“How far back have women had to compete for a man to survive and does that have an effect on our current issues amongst each other? Are we working our way through “Darwinism” and overcoming “survival instincts” in a more equally grounded world?”
I believe that this is the core of women competing. I hate to think how long it will take us to protect our own “entrance to the cave!”
I also concede that men have pressure on them to find a mate -but not as much as women have. An “extra man” at a party or any occasion is much more welcome than a single woman. And they are much more likely to be labeled as “just not finding the right one yet” than women who are somehow regarded as not being picked as a desirable mate.
It’s still a jungle out there for a single woman. But, it is changing slowly. I get more and more comments from my married women friends about how lucky I am that I don’t have to consult anyone if I want to buy something or paint my living room red!
Dear Preschool Mama -
Yeah, we do that. Let our friends down as soon as a man is in the picture. Let’s stop.
We need our women friends. They let us talk. On and on – and as I said in my article – even if we don’t come to a decision.
And they don’t hold it against us!
I think you’ve said a lot of things that are true. Why are woman more suspicious of others. I love what your mother said. But when we are in the maze of live, it seems very important to find away to get around the next corner. When you’re at the end of the maze, you look back and wonder why were we so concerned. I made it.
I’m in a field that is very difficult to enter for man or woman. Being an author and publisher, you can really get on a rollercoaster. I’ve been in offices of the some of the top publishers and magazines in the field of books. Everyone I meet, has a book and want to know how to get started.
So I came up with the idea of recreating a forum where people can learn how to get published. There is another forum, where a reader can meet an author and talk to others about what they like to read. It hasn’t been launched yet. I hope it helps other.
Well I can tell you I never wanted the cutest football player. And my women friends (centrally in my sports activities and book grouP) would do anything for each other. I am looking for an article that begins with – here’s the new girl network… don’t miss it cuz’ it’s right in front of you.
Dear LaRene -
Your plans sound so wonderful! Cannot wait to hear more about them.
I really do believe that everyone has a book in them! So, you are on the right track!
Corinne:
Looks like you touched a nerve with the last few articles about “ole boy/girl” network!!! Way cool! I’ve been reading comments via automatic comment subscription and have found this discussion rather interesting!
Specifically, I’d like to say to LaRene that the forthcoming forum she is launching for people who want to correspond with other authors and get themselves published is a great idea and I, for one, am very interested in participating. Like a lot of people out there, I have a book waiting in the wings to give birth to. So, do let me know LaRene!
Dear Susan -
I bet you got the cutest football player anyway with your great attitude – and it probably didn’t even matter to you!
I don’t have to write a article about “Here’s the New Girl Network” because you and your friends already have started it!
This is so encouraging to me and I am sure to everyone who read your message. Thanks!
How come a single guy is perfectly acceptable and is easily fitted into any social gathering but a single woman is a sad thing? It’s like you say Corrine, that “are you seeing anyone?” question that seems to imply failure. And before you know it you’re making up excuses, for heaven’s sake!
Dear Karen – Karooch
When people ask me, and they do, I usually say, “I’m taking a break right now!”
or
“Business is so good right now, I don’t have time.”
or
“Well, I’m not officially our of the market – so, if you run across someone really special, I’ll take a look at him.”
I am sure there are other responses. Any ideas out there?
Corinne:
“Why would you stop reinventing yourself as you get older?” Is a great rsponse to my comments! You’re right – we’re constantly reinventing ourselves, even if we’re not aware of it. Even those who sit around not doing anything are reinventing themselves. Why? Because they had to go from Point A to Point B. Maybe they were active members of the community, meeting people and now all of a sudden they’re not doing anything.
That would be reinvesting, wouldn’t it? Vice versa holds true as well.
Just my take. I’ve always believed that if it’s meant for me to have a partner, well, then it’ll happen on God’s own time at the right place under the right circumstances. If not, well, then what can I say?