The funeral was over.  It was beautiful.  Everyone said so.  I think my husband would have been pleased.

Everyone had been so kind and supportive.  The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.

My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible.  He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics.

During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him.  So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him.  All I felt is relief.  I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it.  I didn’t know it was a new beginning.

If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time.  But, I can only write from my own background.  As  time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.

They say it takes about six weeks for us to even believe it happened.  In my book, Reflections from a Woman Alone, I included a poem I wrote at that time.  I wrote it for myself.  Not for a book because it is too revealing. These were my actual thoughts.  Then,  I decided,  when I sold the book – what the hell!  Print it.  It’s true. The poem, coincidentally, is called “Six Week Checkup.”  Here it is.

Psychologists say
when you lose a mate,
it takes six weeks to feel it.

They are wrong.

When you are fully prepared,
intelligent, stable, super-efficient,
have advice from a lawyer, accountant and broker -
you file the papers,
mail the forms.
transfer the car -

3 A.M.

an acre of bed
out of cigarettes,
ice cream gone
eating chocolate
dogs are barking
find a man
getting older
car is stalling
roof is leaking
bills are piling
find a man
have a party
buy a condo
diet center
find a man
a new business
foreign travel
plastic surgery
find a man
a new wardrobe
join a health club
list the sick wives
find a man
tally assets
count your contacts
match.com
find a man
find a man
find a man

It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of.  Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –

I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me.  It was a police car.  He came to the window of my car.  This was the actual conversation –

You just made an illegal left hand turn.  Didn’t you see that sign?

No, I’m sorry, officer, I didn’t.

That sign is as big as a house, lady.  You women drivers!

I’m sorry, I didn’t see it.

Do you know your license plate expired four months ago?

No.

And your city sticker expired two months ago?

No, I didn’t realize it.

What is it with you, lady?  Do you know that I am going to have to give you three tickets?  Why didn’t you take care of those things?

Men do these things with cars.  My husband died.  He always took care of those things.

Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court.   You’re going to have to get it together, lady.

Okay.  I will.

Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things.  According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles.  You should take care of that.

Thanks for telling me.  I will.

And start looking at signs.

Okay.

He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness.  It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting.  And he was right.  This lady had to get it together!  When and how I didn’t know.

At first, I had a lot of attention from friends.  I was included in activities just as I had when I was married.  Then, slowly, it started to change.  I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights.  That seemed to be just for couples.  I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.  The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space.  I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened.

I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world.  Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture.  There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.

This article is continued with Widow - Part two - Getting it Together

Click here  http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/widow-part-two-getting-it-together/

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