“The house was listed for sale and we were looking for a new place, when he sent me an email telling me he wanted a divorce. Can you imagine? An email!”
“She was 30. Beautiful, smart, skinny, hip and “only his business assistant.” I’ve always been suspicious of the relationship. A woman always knows.
I was 50. Just a little overweight – but what do you expect after six children and catching food on the fly as I drove the kids to all their activities in the suburbs? A typical hockey mom who needed a hair cut and who did not have “manicure and pedicure please” in her vocabulary.”
“We had been married 25 years and I had gone through all the bad times with him. Now, he was at the top of his game. Powerful, rich and still very attractive.”
“He was out of town. I called him immediately to see if this was some kind of a sick joke. He said he still loved me but he was not “in love” with me anymore. I still don’t know what that means. And he needed a change.”
Obviously, the only antidote for this news is suicide. NO. We have no time for that kind of thinking. No one is worth your health or your life. No one. And if you think this will bring him back – you are wrong. He has probably already made up his mind.
It also gives him a wonderful excuse. Who could stay with such a “crazy lady?” You are not a crazy lady. Your strength at this point is he knows you very well and will underestimate your capability of playing hardball. But you must. In spite of the SHOCK – there must be a stronger word but it will have to do – you have to act immediately. Speed is important. No more Mrs. Nice Girl.
If a miracle happens and he changes his mind later, you can always apologize. Here is your initial plan.
You go to the bank. Go to your broker. Get certified checks – not cashiers – for half of any liquid assets available that include your name and have them made out to you. If anyone questions you, tell them it is for a real estate closing.
Then, you go to a different bank, open a new account in your name alone and deposit the checks.
Why are you doing this? Because men use money to control. And you don’t want to have start begging for money for groceries and your kid’s school trip. I know you think your husband would never do this to you, but they do.
If he has already drained the accounts, you need to get an attorney immediately. But you may be beating him to it because he doesn’t think you would do this. Just do it.
Next you go into his home office. He did not get where he is today by being disorganized so all his IRS, bank statements, stock market statements will probably be neatly stored. Remember, he does not give you credit for being so clever so they are probably there.
Put all the records into a garbage bag and go to Kinko’s. Have everything copied. Every piece of financial paper you can find. Information on pensions, contracts with his employer. Take these copies to your mother’s house or your best friend’s and put them in their basement. Return his records to his files.
Sure, you can get these later but your having these records will save time and money later because your attorney will not have to subpoena for them. Attorneys charge you by the minute not the case.
You are not allowed the luxury of having a nervous breakdown yet. There is more to do.
Look at your credit cards. Are they in your name or are you a signature on your husband’s account? If you are, call the credit card companies and have them issue cards in your individual name. Tell them it is easier for you when a store asks for an ID. Pay extra for FEDEX to get the cards immediately.
Next. Stay with me. I know this is hard. You have several friends who have been divorced. Call them up. You don’t have to tell them this is for you. You want the names of the top divorce attorneys in the city – maybe for a good friend of yours. They may have been the lawyers who represented their former husbands. Gather three or four names and call their offices and make an appointment to see them. Right away. Divorce attorneys may not charge for an initial visit. If they do, pay the consultant fee. Your future is at stake.
When you get to meet them, it is time for you to listen to your intuitive gut. You will get a feeling of who you can work with in the future if you need to. This could be a long, drawn out process so you want someone you like – someone you feel is capable of protecting you and your children financially. You don’t have to hire anyone just yet but make a preliminary decision. It will make you feel more powerful and you need this now.
This is not a good time for you to move – so if your house or condo is for sale, cancel the listing immediately.
Don’t worry if you have signed an exclusive listing with an agent for six months. You can still cancel. It has happened to the agent before, so don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. According to the rules in most states, you are not liable to pay a commission to that agent unless you sell the house during the period of the agreement – either by owner or with another broker. Things are too unsettled right now to consider or even make a good decision on where you might want to live in the future.
Keep things status quo for you and your children at this time. You need to maintain a stable environment. Everything else in your life feels like it is going up in flames.
OK. You can fall apart for now. You have done some tough work. Work out of your comfort zone. The fireworks are about to begin. At some point, there will be a meeting. Perhaps he will have second thoughts. Maybe even agree to marriage counseling. And, who knows? Maybe even a reconciliation. For a moment or a while. Do the best you can with what is for now. Even if the counseling doesn’t work, the therapist could act as a mediator in an eventual divorce and help you and your family to adjust to this radical new situation. In addition to a couples therapist, get one of your own. You need someone to talk to besides your mother, sister or friends.
In any event, don’t back off from the actions you have taken financially until you have a bullet proof legal agreement.
One cardinal rule. Do not bad mouth this man to your children. It is tempting but it will hurt them. And it will not help you. They will have their own angry feelings, maybe even blame you, and you don’t want to add to that by tearing them apart by choosing sides. He is their father and hopefully, will continue to act as such.
Now, stop. Let time pass. Your inclination is to sit in your chair and stare at the ceiling. And that is okay for a while. You feel as though your life has ended and although it has not, no one will be able to convince you of that just now.
Try to force yourself to get up and do something. Even if it is just walking to the corner to mail a letter. It doesn’t have to be a lot right away. But, be kind to yourself. You have post traumatic stress disorder. Fortunately, you have to take care of your family which will force you into some semblance of activity. You have to shop, feed them and do the laundry.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross, in her many books, talks about the five stages of grief. They don’t always happen in this order but you can plan on all of them to happen to you.
They are:
Denial. “This can’t be happening to me.” Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
Anger. “Why me?” Wanting to attack or get even. Lots of blame.
Bargaining. Trying to make deals with the spouse who is leaving. Making deals with God. Begging. Wishing. Praying that he will come home.
Depression. We’ve already mentioned this one. Feelings of hopelessness. Mourning the future you will not have now.
Acceptance. Not resignation. Just realizing that it has happened.
You need help with all these stages. Get it. It not seem possible but you will survive. Healing will come in its own time.
Don’t let anyone tell you when it will happen. You have your own time frame.
Disclaimer: Please note that this article is the sole opinion of the author who is not an attorney. Please consult your own legal counsel in your area.
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Been there…done that. I wish I had had your advice then. I was all emotion no sense at all.I paid an enormous price and so did my children.
For you out there that may be going through a divorce heed this advice… get a grip…you must.
Wow — my story – are they all the same? Except I was the one who threw him out. I fired my husband and then divorced him. Why did I put up with it for over 20 years? Simple: I was a trained Catholic girl born in the 40s…….. and when I did it – just like you said – the rat had not a clue as to how truly and wildly he underestimated my capacity for “beyond-hardball”. I didn’t know I had it in my but pent up rage does that. I smiled sweetly and told hm that we would just use one lawyer and of course he trusted me. Why wouldn’t he? I had never betrayed him.. but that was when we were “married”. I had three (3)divorce lawyers and fired them all. And then had my accountant negotiate with him. He instructed divorce lawyer number 3 as to what to do and when and all I did was give him the back of my head in court and mail him a check. Both of them. I divorced that man one day before my 25th wedding anniversary because I didn’t want anyone to say I was dumb enough to be married to that impotent parasite for 25 years. You so nailed it Corinne.
Never again do I ever think that men are smarter than me – the second worst thing that happened to the catholic church (besides the printing press) was womens’ lib. It’s over now boys – just a matter of time. Bitter? No, bittersweet. Thanks for the opportunity to write this to the “universe” finally. I don’t know whether he is alive or dead. If he was alive, I’d send this to him. You may have opened Pandora’s box.
Thanks for your comments, Grace and Sondra.
There are many women “war victims” of divorce out there.
One man wrote and said “I pity the guy whose wife reads your article!”
My hope is that many do read it. The story above is a composite of several women who I have met in my Life Coach practice. Unfortunately, after the damage had already been done.
The best advice I was ever given, when filing for divorce from an abusive husband: put all your money in Travelers Checks. Nobody else can use them, and if they’re stolen, you can get them replaced Of course, if your share is a huge sum, this probably isn’t practical, but I can tell you this one action saved my life. I carefully documented every cent that was legally mine (including inheritance from my father), put it all in Travelers Checks, and kept them in a locked box in a neighbor’s closet. At the deposition, his lawyer demanded to know what I’d done with the money. She almost fell out of her chair when I told her, and explained my reasoning being that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she and he would’ve put a hold on my bank accounts, to try to force me into abject poverty. She asked if I would please put the money back in the bank, if they promised not to touch the account. I told them the money would go back to the bank when I had an account in my maiden name, in another town, that he did not have the account number to.
Part of that money saw me through the year he kept me waiting for his signature on the list of items I was allowed to take from the house (I wouldn’t leave without it and risk being charged with theft!); the rest got me and my cats moved to another city, into an apartment, and kept me afloat while I allowed myself a short breakdown, and then until I could get a job. The pittance I got as a settlement bought me some new furniture.
The second best advice is to be as strong as you possibly can (even when you think you can’t). They haven’t been paying that close attention to you, and will never see it coming! After months of my ex proclaiming that I couldn’t survive on my own, and that he’d force me out into the street with nothing, he had to admit, in front of two lawyers and his family, that in fact I could survive quite nicely. That was worth more than anything else I got for my trouble! (Well, that and the fact that altho the settlement was meager, it forced him to take a second mortgage on an almost-paid-off house, and I’m told that he thought of me every month when that payment was due. I, on the other hand, have always had a difficult time remembering what he name was, when talking about him!).
Dear Glynes -
This is the most important thing you said here.
“They haven’t been paying that close attention to you, and will never see it coming! After months of my ex proclaiming that I couldn’t survive on my own, and that he’d force me out into the street with nothing.”
The fact that these men think we are too unsophisticated to play hardball is our greatest defense.
Glad to hear you have fresh start. Good luck and please stay in touch.
Warmly,
Corinne
Great advice except for one thing: Most divorced attorneys I know (and I used to be one) charge something for the initial consultation. Nonetheless, getting a chance to meet with several good attorneys right away means 1) they won’t be able to represent your spouse; 2) they already have some background and are more likely to take your case if an emergency arises; and 3) they can give you good advice about stupid things to avoid doing in the interim, even if you aren’t sure you’re really getting a divorce.
Dear Kathryn -
THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT POINT THAT I AM REPEATING IT HERE.
“Nonetheless, getting a chance to meet with several good attorneys right away means 1) they won’t be able to represent your spouse; 2) they already have some background and are more likely to take your case if an emergency arises; and 3) they can give you good advice about stupid things to avoid doing in the interim, even if you aren’t sure you’re really getting a divorce.”
I really appreciate your input on this. Thanks for correcting me that not all attorneys will consult with you on your first visit free. Some will – perhaps it depends on if there is big money involved – resulting in large fees to come.
This is a brilliant article Corrine.
A similar story to your opening one happened to me 25 years ago. I had wonderful support from my family and friends but I was a softie and I actually felt sorry for him (go figure. He told me he was confused and I fell for it). Anyway I ended up losing the house and gaining a bunch of debt. He wasn’t trying to cheat me financially. In fact he ended up being financially worse off than me. But because i didn’t look after my own interests, so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings, I lost everything of financial value.
However I was definitely the winner in Life. I learnt a lot and grew as a person and have had a much better life than I would have if we had stayed together. And I was able to give my daughter a much better upbringing too.
Great advice!
I’m a stay at home, homeschooling mom married to a surgeon who believes in going through life with my eyes wide open.
Long before arriving at the point when divorce is inevitable, I highly recommed that all women read Leslie Bennett’s The Feminine Mistake. Women need to realize that they shouldn’t count on a knight in shining armor to rescue them from taking responsibility for their own life.
Obviously, as a SAHM, I do believe that it is possible to take charge of your own life and finances while allowing your partner to be the primary breadwinner. Just because one person earns the family income, it doesn’t mean that one person should ever be in complete control of a family’s finances.
No one should have to sneak into the other’s office to find your family’s financial records. You should both be equally in charge of your family’s financial planning.
Hopefully, I will never need divorce advice but thanks for the information anyway.
Good advice, Corinne . . .
Very empowering!! Good for you and thank you.
It is so good to know that I wasn’t alone in my thinking – Hats off to protecting ourselves (a very new way of thinking for most of us older women). Hell hath no fury etc ……….. One should never mess with a woman’s turf.
Dear Karooch, Lisa, Vera – and Grace -
Thanks for all your input. This is quite a frank and controversial article and I am feeling so supported by women I value in posting it.
There are lots of good and responsible men out there. We all know them.
But, this is about the rest – and to be forewarned is to be
forearmed!
Dear Living by Learning -
I am familiar with the book, The Feminine Mistake. Thank you for reminding us all of it. It is a must read.
I admire SAHM and especially those who combine their busy lives with home schooling. What an achievement!
Congratulations!
The divorce rate in the US would indicate that this is something every girl should be required to memorize before graduating high school.
It needs to be part of working knowledge BEFORE the stars get in your eyes, because once they are there, it is impossible to believe that you are one of the one in two who WILL need it.
No, these guys have no clue as to your strength and your anger – but they recognize denial when they see it, and boy, is THAT a weapon for them.
Listen up, girls, or don’t, but information this good and this useful just doesn’t come at this price very often.
Corinne:
What a stunner of an article! What made you post this one? It literally read like a novel and I found myself racing through the article, curious as to what would come next.
What I strongly liked was the part about not bad mouthing your spouse to the kids. They have it hard enough and don’t need their parents badmouthing one another. Good advice! Kids will end up blaming themselves and/or one of their parents if it’s not handled with care.
Dear Jim -
Thanks for your support on this article. If you notice, there are not a lot of men commenting! So, it means a lot to me that you chimed in here.
Yes, with all the women claiming to be liberated, there is still room for educating outselves out of the “stars in our eyes” although there is room for that too. It is too delightful to give up entirely!
Dear Stephen -
First of all, although this is not a story of just one woman I have met in my Life Coach practice – but a compilation of several -
It is not a novel. It is true.
I wish I could say that this advice helped these women but unfortunately they came to me for coaching in most cases after the damage was already done to them.
The article is meant for those who still have a chance to take some action to protect themselves and their families. My hope is that they find it and read it.
And, yes, not contaminating the children is important advice to both the husband and the wife. They are innocent victims and already suffer greatly.
Corinne:
Looks like you touched a nerve here among your readership! That’s GREAT!
It was very interesting to say at the least. I’m sure the women who really need to see this will be guided here and get this information just in time. The universe works that way!
Awesome post. I am stumbling it!
I can’t believe this story it sound so familiar it is kind of what I went through with my two daughters and ex husband 10 years ago now I am remarried and of course having problems AGAIN only this time it is worse I have a porn addict in denial who refuses to get help and I am at my WITS END!! All I have been doing is praying and reading scriptures like there is no tomorrow because we need to remember that God is 1st priority even if our world is tumbling down all around us.
I am in alot of emotional pain right now.
Dear GodisLove -
I am sorry.
I am sure lots of people have told you that you need counseling – and it would help you.
But perhaps you don’t have the finances to do that.
So, here is my next suggestion.
Go to Amazon and buy a copy of Melodie Beattie’s book, CoDependents No more and read it from cover to cover. You can buy it used more reasonably. Or, get it from your local library. Ask them to order it if they don’t have it.
Next, I would look up AL-Anon on the Internet which is a family support system for addicts. You may have to call AA to find out where there is a meeting near you but do it.
There you will find other people like you who are at their wit’s end. They will help you and you will not feel so alone.
Looking at porn is an addiction just like drug use or alcohol.
You may not be able to help your husband but you MUST help yourself.
This message is an answer to your prayers. Please take it as such and support yourself. God is with you.
Let us know how you are doing. Our hearts are also with you.
loved this…
went thru my own divorce a few years back…and it was a good thing my ex had never read this as i was the main breadwinner…and he seemed to have trouble keeping a job. haha
since that time, i have dealt with a few men and learned a few things…
there is no man…and there is no god…that will save you from this. you have to do it yourself.
i am not knocking ‘godislove’ at all. pain is pain. but god won’t make it better. he will give you the tools to make it better. pray for strength. pray for insight. pray for wisdom.
then you make a decision.
good luck to you.
L.
Dear Luli -
Glad your husband did not read this either! It does go both ways. Unfortunately, most of the victims are women with chldren.
I agree that God will not do it for you. You have to ask for the help and then do it yourself! I hope that “Godis Love” does that and gets some human help!
Thanks for joining the discussion.
If you don’t mind a man;s opinion, this column should be reposted about every 6 months so your new readers can read it. The information is that important.
One piece of advice I would add is that every woman, especially those stay at hom moms, needs to have a separate bank account, even if it’s a few hundred dollars, and a credit card in her name only.
If her husband leaves and cleans out the bank ahead of time, she’ll at least have some money available, and her own credit history to get started over again.
John Calvins last blog post..Playstation Network Suspended – Stupid Words Cause Panic
Dear John -
I am amazed that an article I wrote months ago is still being found by people like you.
I would like to repeat the text more often – but Google does not approve of duplicate content and will penalize us in their seach engines. Sad, huh?
But it is consoling that people like you continue to find us.
Thanks for your man’s opinion. Obviously, I agree with you.
Pass the article on to every woman you know.
I have been married for 35 years and my husband and I have joint checking accounts but we both have separate savings accounts. His name is only on my savings account as a beneficiary. That is the one account that he has no say so over. It is mine. Great article Corinne.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworkers last blog post..Gifts Of Facing Your Fears
I cannot believe that he would use email to tell someone that he wants a divorce. Just goes to show you how many men that can’t be a man. Very nice article, and Thanks for the Do Follow and CommentLuv, it is very helpful to us fellow bloggers, and lots of comments keeps your posts refreshed and new in google.
tracy lagondins last blog post..Tracy Lagondin – Male Pregancy
Dear Tracy
Yes, it is unbelievable but true that the Internet now serves as a “dear John” outlet.
I also like the CommentLuv. It encourages commenting and everyone knows that is the most fun for a blogger.
We love feedback!
Thank you for this great post. This is important information, especially for someone that has been divorced before.
Susans last blog post..Using Stop Smoking Laser Treatment With Other Forms of Treatment
Lost of information thanks
After 11 years of marriage, my husband wants a divorce. I am an at home mom. He doesn’t beleive I have contributed to the family (we have three great kids, I am always on the run with them, helping at their schools). He feels that I should pack my bags and leave. He feels that that I am an unfit mother because the kids are not perfect. They leave their toys around the house and sometimes lie about brushing their teeth. He has told me he will give me $10,000 to get back on my feet. And I can visit the kids once a month. Is any one interested in dating a dilusional 44 year old balding man with a belly almost as big as his belly? I’ll give you his number if you are interested.
Dear Colleen -
Tell me where these men get their nerve to make demands like that. And, I hate to say this – but they get worse as they get older.
No sane person would leave their children unsupervised with a person like him.
Please read my article again and get all the money you can out of accounts. See an attorney.
This man is not worth the words you are listening to. Please save yourself.
This is your offense?
“He feels that that I am an unfit mother because the kids are not perfect. They leave their toys around the house and sometimes lie about brushing their teeth.”
Please.
Make your plans. NOW.
This is a great article. Instinct motivated me to do all the things listed regarding the financial issues. Shock, Denial and Fear had to be pushed to the background and almost stopped me in my tracks while I was gathering this vital information. Like flicking off a light switch my husband thought he could make a decision that he wanted me out of his life. He thought he could force me out of our matrimonal home in 10 days. What a shock he got when I downloaded the Family Law Act that states that even if the house is in one person’s name the home cannot be sold or rented and that either or both people could live in the home. I have been supporting myself with an inheritance I received for the past year. He is $60,000.00 in debt (credit cards) none in my name thank God. A year ago I paid dearly to get out of all joint accounts to protect my inheritance. And still I tried to keep this marriage together. The downward spiral continued and finally I found cocaine in his posession. We are not ‘kids’. I am a mature, smart lady who became emotionally dependent on an addict. My self esteem has taken a beating. After a year of verbal and emotional abuse I am in the middle of what will be a messy divorce and rebuilding my self esteem and becoming independent. Thank God for my friends and counsellors. Without them and articles like this one I would continue in this crazy marriage. We’ve been married 20 years. One of my counsellors gave me this advice. “Your husband has done you a huge favour by saying he wants to end it”. The reason: “You are so forgiving that you never would have left him”. That’s what I’m hanging onto because it is so true. Let the man go and enjoy your life. Life is too short to live with this kind of abuse.
Love the blog. Keep up the great work!
Excellent advice. I work in a law office and I’ve seen so many women get totally screwed because they shut down from the emotional pain. I’ve been through a divorce and you have GOT to keep going until you get some essentials dealt with.
Great advice. I think this blog will help thousands of women.