Comments on: WHEN YOUR HUSBAND HAS DIED - A Survival Guide http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/ The house, portfolio, Mercedes and the 2.5 kids have been attained – and the question being asked now is, "IS THAT ALL THERE IS?" Sat, 17 May 2008 05:53:40 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5 By: Debbie http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2800 Debbie Sun, 04 May 2008 04:15:25 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2800 Dear Corrine and Mary, I know exactly what you're both going through. My fiance (and best friend for over 20 years) passed away in September of 2003, just six weeks before what was to be our wedding date. Our wedding invitations were sitting on my fiance's desk waiting for one last review before we were going to mail them out. When I received the call from the patrol officer, I thought the world had stopped. I thought the pain, actually physical pain in my heart, would never, ever stop hurting. For weeks and weeks, I cried at the drop of a hat. I didn't even need a hat to drop to start crying! I used to take our dogs for long walks, sometimes two and three times a day, because I was convinced that if I was outside, somehow my precious Roger could "see" me better than if I was inside our home. I would stop walking and slump down in the grass underneath a tree and just sob. It seems like the whole world was happy, everyone except me. I felt so empty. I had lost my soul mate, and a part of me died along with him. After this incredible loss, I discovered what I was truly made of. I discovered my own inner strength. I don't have any magic words to offer you to make this time in your lives easier. The only thing to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. And don't take advice from anyone. Only you know yourself and what you need to take care of yourself and get you through this horrible time in your life. I didn't return to work for one year. I forced myself to maintain some kind of daily routine (up in the morning, eat breakfast, walk the dog, (cry) eat lunch, (cry) walk the dog, (cry) do errands, (cry) return calls, (cry) walk the dog, (cry) eat dinner, (cry) read or watch TV, (cry) sleep, repeat again the next day.) Eventually, the crying parts of my routine lessened until eventually (many weeks later) I marveled that I could go an entire day and not cry once. You never, ever forget your partner, and you never forget the incredibly sad days and weeks and months after his death, but life has a way of happening when you're not looking - even when you're busy carrying around enormous grief. Just be as good to yourself as you can. Time is the only thing that truly gets you through this ordeal. It really is true: that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. But you know what? Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if he had never died. Sometimes I wish my life hadn't taken such an abrupt turn and that I could magically put my life back on track. The sudden death of your partner is such a horrible jolt. You feel like your life is not your own. It's been over eight years now since Roger died. Since then, I've grieved, started a new job, moved, began dating, became engaged, and married the most wonderful man (whom I've also known for over 20 years as a friend). I now believe that life happens the way it's intended to happen and there isn't a darn thing you can do to change that. You think you're the captain of your ship? You think you're plotting your own course? Forget about it! Just try to enjoy all those precious moments of happiness that are sure to come. And believe me, they will. Just enjoy every happy moment you do have. That's what makes all the pain you've gone through worthwhile. Try to be as happy and as "in the moment" as you can be in your life. That's the lesson I think we're intended to learn about life. We've been put on this planet to be happy and to be good to each other for as long as we possibly can. Dear Corrine and Mary, I know exactly what you’re both going through. My fiance (and best friend for over 20 years) passed away in September of 2003, just six weeks before what was to be our wedding date. Our wedding invitations were sitting on my fiance’s desk waiting for one last review before we were going to mail them out. When I received the call from the patrol officer, I thought the world had stopped. I thought the pain, actually physical pain in my heart, would never, ever stop hurting. For weeks and weeks, I cried at the drop of a hat. I didn’t even need a hat to drop to start crying! I used to take our dogs for long walks, sometimes two and three times a day, because I was convinced that if I was outside, somehow my precious Roger could “see” me better than if I was inside our home. I would stop walking and slump down in the grass underneath a tree and just sob. It seems like the whole world was happy, everyone except me. I felt so empty. I had lost my soul mate, and a part of me died along with him. After this incredible loss, I discovered what I was truly made of. I discovered my own inner strength. I don’t have any magic words to offer you to make this time in your lives easier. The only thing to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. And don’t take advice from anyone. Only you know yourself and what you need to take care of yourself and get you through this horrible time in your life. I didn’t return to work for one year. I forced myself to maintain some kind of daily routine (up in the morning, eat breakfast, walk the dog, (cry) eat lunch, (cry) walk the dog, (cry) do errands, (cry) return calls, (cry) walk the dog, (cry) eat dinner, (cry) read or watch TV, (cry) sleep, repeat again the next day.) Eventually, the crying parts of my routine lessened until eventually (many weeks later) I marveled that I could go an entire day and not cry once. You never, ever forget your partner, and you never forget the incredibly sad days and weeks and months after his death, but life has a way of happening when you’re not looking - even when you’re busy carrying around enormous grief. Just be as good to yourself as you can. Time is the only thing that truly gets you through this ordeal. It really is true: that which doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. But you know what? Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if he had never died. Sometimes I wish my life hadn’t taken such an abrupt turn and that I could magically put my life back on track. The sudden death of your partner is such a horrible jolt. You feel like your life is not your own. It’s been over eight years now since Roger died. Since then, I’ve grieved, started a new job, moved, began dating, became engaged, and married the most wonderful man (whom I’ve also known for over 20 years as a friend). I now believe that life happens the way it’s intended to happen and there isn’t a darn thing you can do to change that. You think you’re the captain of your ship? You think you’re plotting your own course? Forget about it! Just try to enjoy all those precious moments of happiness that are sure to come. And believe me, they will. Just enjoy every happy moment you do have. That’s what makes all the pain you’ve gone through worthwhile. Try to be as happy and as “in the moment” as you can be in your life. That’s the lesson I think we’re intended to learn about life. We’ve been put on this planet to be happy and to be good to each other for as long as we possibly can.

]]> By: Viola http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2724 Viola Thu, 24 Apr 2008 18:47:21 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2724 Dear Corrine and Mary thank you so much for your support. I truly feel like I am the only one in this world right now that could hurt this badly. I also feel so very mad that everybody else's life is going on as normal and now I can't find a life let alone a future. My husband always said I was the strongest woman he had ever met, I also believed that...Weboth were very wrong cause I happen to be very weak. I just want to stop the hurt and the tears and the anger and the pain. And your right I can't and I can't sleep. Dear Corrine and Mary thank you so much for your support. I truly feel like I am the only one in this world right now that could hurt this badly. I also feel so very mad that everybody else’s life is going on as normal and now I can’t find a life let alone a future. My husband always said I was the strongest woman he had ever met, I also believed that…Weboth were very wrong cause I happen to be very weak. I just want to stop the hurt and the tears and the anger and the pain. And your right I can’t and I can’t sleep.

]]> By: Mary http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2719 Mary Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:28:19 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2719 Dear Viola I'm so sorry. If I could give you a hug right now, I would. It may not help, but sometimes kindred spirits can lift each other without words. I'm noticing, after six months, I don't cry every time I look at a photo of him, or one of his shirts, or his empty chair...well, sometimes still when I look at his chair. It's not that I don't feel, or that I have forgotten, my feelings are magically turning to sweetness. Where I may have burst into tears just a couple of months ago, I can now kind of smile thinking of him. I hope you find this to be true for you. At first I looked for him everywhere, in drawers, in the attic...everywhere. When I stopped looking for him with my eyes, and started looking with my heart, I felt him near me and that has given me great comfort. I truly mean that and I'm not one that could have imagined that to be true. You may e-mail me if you like at MaireeW@yahoo.com. Here's a hug ( ). If others can survive this, we can too. Mary Dear Viola
I’m so sorry. If I could give you a hug right now, I would. It may not help, but sometimes kindred spirits can lift each other without words. I’m noticing, after six months, I don’t cry every time I look at a photo of him, or one of his shirts, or his empty chair…well, sometimes still when I look at his chair. It’s not that I don’t feel, or that I have forgotten, my feelings are magically turning to sweetness. Where I may have burst into tears just a couple of months ago, I can now kind of smile thinking of him. I hope you find this to be true for you. At first I looked for him everywhere, in drawers, in the attic…everywhere. When I stopped looking for him with my eyes, and started looking with my heart, I felt him near me and that has given me great comfort. I truly mean that and I’m not one that could have imagined that to be true. You may e-mail me if you like at MaireeW@yahoo.com. Here’s a hug ( ). If others can survive this, we can too. Mary

]]> By: Corinne http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2717 Corinne Thu, 24 Apr 2008 11:37:20 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2717 Dear, dear Viola - My heart is breaking with you. You asked what you should do now. You are in SHOCK right now and you should do nothing. Just the basics of taking care of your personal needs. Please eat and get enough sleep. Try to take a little walk each day, if only to the corner to mail a letter. Do not take advice on making any drastic moves. Sit in your chair and let time pass. You are like an American soldier who has just had his legs blown off in Iraq by an bomb. You have had an amputation. After only a week, you need to allow time. It does not even seem real now. In a month or two, you will be able to think more clearly. You might consider talking to your doctor about some medication to get you over this first hard time. I am sending you my prayers for healing. You will survive. I promise. Love, Corinne Dear, dear Viola -

My heart is breaking with you.

You asked what you should do now.

You are in SHOCK right now and you should do nothing. Just the basics of taking care of your personal needs. Please eat and get enough sleep. Try to take a little walk each day, if only to the corner to mail a letter.

Do not take advice on making any drastic moves. Sit in your chair and let time pass.

You are like an American soldier who has just had his legs blown off in Iraq by an bomb. You have had an amputation.

After only a week, you need to allow time. It does not even seem real now. In a month or two, you will be able to think more clearly.

You might consider talking to your doctor about some medication to get you over this first hard time.

I am sending you my prayers for healing. You will survive. I promise.

Love,

Corinne

]]> By: Viola http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2713 Viola Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:12:34 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2713 My husband died of a massive heart attack at our home last week. I don't know what to do with myself or my grief. He was the love of my life, my soulmate. What do I do with me now? My husband died of a massive heart attack at our home last week. I don’t know what to do with myself or my grief. He was the love of my life, my soulmate. What do I do with me now?

]]> By: Corinne http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2561 Corinne Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:07:38 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2561 <p>Dear Mary -</p> <p>I wish I could say something to make it easier for you.</p> <p>All I can think of is that is like a prison sentence. You have to do the time.</p> <p>It does not seem now like it will get better. You can't see it. </p> <p>So, even if it is true, it will not help you right now.</p> <p>My heart and my thoughts are with you. Let us know how you are doing.</p> <p>My private email is miraclecor@aol.com. Contact me if you would like to share some private thoughts. I will answer you.</p> <p>Love,</p> <p>Corinne</p> Dear Mary -

I wish I could say something to make it easier for you.

All I can think of is that is like a prison sentence. You have to do the time.

It does not seem now like it will get better. You can’t see it.

So, even if it is true, it will not help you right now.

My heart and my thoughts are with you. Let us know how you are doing.

My private email is miraclecor@aol.com. Contact me if you would like to share some private thoughts. I will answer you.

Love,

Corinne

]]> By: Mary http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2546 Mary Wed, 09 Apr 2008 02:40:46 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-2546 I had tears in my eyes until I read Susan's post, then I cried. My husband has been gone for 5 months. I have watched and waited for him to come home, I have scolded him for not calling and for promising he would never leave me. I have begged him to come back to me. I feel alone no matter how many people are around. I don't cry as much, but still every day. I know it doesn't seem possible, but we were together 31 years and never fought. I feel I should apologize for that sometimes, but it is the simple truth. He just had a way of making everything alright. I don't know how to do that for myself. I have so much to learn. I have always taken care of our finances and paperwork. My husband was confident that I could do anything. I wonder what he thinks now. Tomorrow I am going to buy your book "Reflections from a Woman Alone", if I can find it. Mary I had tears in my eyes until I read Susan’s post, then I cried. My husband has been gone for 5 months. I have watched and waited for him to come home, I have scolded him for not calling and for promising he would never leave me. I have begged him to come back to me. I feel alone no matter how many people are around. I don’t cry as much, but still every day. I know it doesn’t seem possible, but we were together 31 years and never fought. I feel I should apologize for that sometimes, but it is the simple truth. He just had a way of making everything alright. I don’t know how to do that for myself. I have so much to learn. I have always taken care of our finances and paperwork. My husband was confident that I could do anything. I wonder what he thinks now. Tomorrow I am going to buy your book “Reflections from a Woman Alone”, if I can find it. Mary

]]> By: Corinne http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-1683 Corinne Fri, 15 Feb 2008 20:22:41 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-1683 PS Christine - Sending much healing to your leg. As you said, perhaps it gave you some time to recover - just a little. I went back to work after three days. I had to. It was a brand new travel agency - and I was IT. It was hard. PS Christine -

Sending much healing to your leg.

As you said, perhaps it gave you some time to recover - just a little.

I went back to work after three days. I had to. It was a brand new travel agency - and I was IT. It was hard.

]]> By: Corinne http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-1682 Corinne Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:14:59 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-1682 Dear Christine - I am a great believer that the spirit of the person survives the physical experience. So, instead of praying to angels who may have a lot of requests - or saints - who must be pretty busy - Why not look to an angel who has a real interest in you? I had a friend who was a talented psychic. The police used to call her in for assistance on cases. They don't make that too public but they do it. She said there was a rule in the afterlife. YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP! They need to have the request. So, I do. It is more consoling to believe than not to believe. There is no downside in that. Dear Christine -

I am a great believer that the spirit of the person survives the physical experience.

So, instead of praying to angels who may have a lot of requests - or saints - who must be pretty busy -

Why not look to an angel who has a real interest in you?

I had a friend who was a talented psychic. The police used to call her in for assistance on cases. They don’t make that too public but they do it.

She said there was a rule in the afterlife. YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP! They need to have the request.

So, I do. It is more consoling to believe than not to believe. There is no downside in that.

]]> By: Christine http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-1668 Christine Fri, 15 Feb 2008 00:42:32 +0000 http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide/#comment-1668 Corinne, You said the most beautiful thing to Susan. That "You now have your own private angel in Heaven watching over you" My own husband died a few weeks before Christmas 2007. He also had been diagnosed in the summer of 2007. I miss him and miss having him to talk to. Two days after Bill was buried, I fractured my leg in two places...I have still not been back to work yet and maybe that is a good thing. There have been ALOT of items that had to be dealt with as you know. Luckily, I was the one who dealt with the finances, so that part was not as difficult. Hopefully I will go back to work in March. At least those who were given some sort of a life expectancy time frame had the chance to say goodbye and tell them that we love them.......small comfort, but small comfort is better than no comfort! Corinne,

You said the most beautiful thing to Susan. That “You now have your own private angel in Heaven watching over you” My own husband died a few weeks before Christmas 2007. He also had been diagnosed in the summer of 2007. I miss him and miss having him to talk to. Two days after Bill was buried, I fractured my leg in two places…I have still not been back to work yet and maybe that is a good thing. There have been ALOT of items that had to be dealt with as you know. Luckily, I was the one who dealt with the finances, so that part was not as difficult. Hopefully I will go back to work in March. At least those who were given some sort of a life expectancy time frame had the chance to say goodbye and tell them that we love them…….small comfort, but small comfort is better than no comfort!

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