The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Denise and Jeanine are so right on with how I am feeling. Anger, sadness, joy for having loved a wonderful man, and always thinking and thinking. Thinking about the days ahead. The next month will be tough for me. Bill died of cancer on Feb. 2, 2009. The last meal he ate was Thanksgiving dinner. This year it will be particularly sad remembering the nice time we had and seeing all the photos we took last year. The next day after Thanksgiving is his birthday. He was always so silly about his birthday…he loved it. I loved him. It will be tough. Then comes my birthday which he always made fun and Christmas. I can do this…I have to.
Dear Teresa -
This first year is the hardest one. You go through the first of everything, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries -
The anticipation of the date is worse than the actual day when it comes. It looms before you.
Not that the next year will be easy – but oh – that first one. I remember it and wished I could just sleep through it and wake up when it was over.
When the date actually comes, you will be surprised. Chances are the time will slide by until it is done.
If you can, make plans for each day even if it is to be alone – but plan what you will do.
Give his birthday and holiday present to someone who needs it for him. He would probably like that.
You you can do this. You have to. You have company here.
When does this ever become “real”? I walk around in a fog. I believe I have come to a level of … acceptance is not the right word, because this will never be acceptable, but you know what I mean. BUT. Whenever I see his picture, and think about his being gone, I always, think “this just can’t be…. how can this happen?… It just cannot be real.” I feel him with me. I have conversations with him that I hope and pray are not just in my imagination. I have been trying to “actively try to get better,” with all of this. But it just doesn’t seem possible.
I was one of those young girls/women who dreamed of my happily ever after. I did not receive my dream as quickly as I had wanted. I was 28 when we got married. But from the moment we got together, my dreams all came true and then some. I know whith every fiber of my soul that my purpose in this life is to be his wife and the mother of our children. So now where am I. I have to face raising our family without him. I don’t know who I am. I am that dreaded “W” word, but I will never be single. I have made a vow to myself that unless it seems of legal importance, I will not mark “single”on any form. If the w word is not an option, I will mark married.
My friend and neighbor stopped by toonight to hand deliver an invitation to her son’s wedding. She said her son and fiance did not know “what they should put on the invitation,” and she could not bear the thought of me getting it in the mail NOT saying Mr. And Mrs… Actually that was one of the first every day things that upset me terribly. When making out all of the thank you cards, I realized that I will never again receive mail – except junk mail – addressed to Mr. and Mrs. That just rips so much of my identity from my very soul. It hurts so much…
thanks for listening.
I don’t know whether it is imagination. I hope and pray it is not. I hear someone talking to me. Could it be my husband. It is not clear. This is when I am alone. I try so very hard to listen, but in time I hope, I will be able to listen more clearly.
It was heart breaking yesterday when I went to this state office to fill in a form for a claim. The lady seated at the entrance had no feelings, when she asked questions from me. Am I taking it personally I don’t know. I tried to reason with my self, after all she is doing her duty. There are hundreds of women she must be coming across. I don’t know. I tried my best not to break in front of everyone.
Thanks for letting me pour out my heart.
Dear Lisa,
I have been walking in a fog for the past year and ten months. It gets a bit confusing at times as to where I am. Then, I remember I was living in the space of time with my Barry. It is not quite in the present. I am trying to get a clearer hear and get control of myself so I can survive somehow.
Somewhere, there is a stigma about widows, widowers and singles. It is about couples…People feel uncomfortable.
We do exist.
Mary
Dear Ones -
I wrote a new article today which was inspired by all of you.
Please click on the link below and read it.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/you-will-never-get-over-it-loss-of-a-love/
I love you all.
Corinne
This is directed to Lisa. I read your posts and my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find some comfort in the midst of this terrible time of grief and shock. Can I ask you, when did your husband die? I went back through your posts and couldn’t find this information. The reason I ask is because my fiance died at what I consider a fairly young age and I felt like he was ripped from my life. It has all felt like a bad dream and I wished and wished to wake up and find him lying next to me. I could even picture myself telling him about the horrible dream where he had died and I was left all alone and I could picture him laughing and smiling and reassuring me that he wasn’t going anywhere and not to worry about it. I could picture him telling me that he would live a long, long time because his father is still alove and still working his ranch even though he’s in his 80′s! But I still haven’t woke up and the nightmare continued for a long time. But I’m here to tell you that eventually this bad period in your life will pass and you’ll enter a happier time. You’ll never, ever forget your husband and it will take a lot of time before you get to a point where you can go through your day and not feel “triggered” but dozens of events and sights that remind you your husband is no longer with you. But it will happen. Eventually, enough time will pass and you’ll get to a point where you’ll have more perspective on why things happened the way they did. Just be patient and be kind to yourself. Involve yourself in as many activities as you can. I think the key is to try to live life to its fullest because no one knows how much time they have left. Try to get some enjoyment out of at least one thing each day and build from there. Your husband wouldn’t want to see you miserable. I don’t know him but I suspect he wouldn’t want to be around you if you were always miserable. He probably didn’t marry you because you were miserable all the time. There is so much life left to live and your children to enjoy. Just remember that you’re teaching your children how to deal with life’s difficult moments – you’re actually setting an example of how to handle grief – you’re actually teaching them how to grieve. I know it’s hard, but you can also draw strength from your kids. They are so resilent, so capable of living in the moment. Try to play with them and be in the moment with them. Don’t dwell on all the years ahead. You don’t have any control over that. All you can do is live in the moment and get through each day with as much happiness as possible. Be grateful for what you do have and not what you don’t. Things could always be worse than they are, and I promise you that things will definitely get better.
I thought I was having a better day. I really was. I felt stronger, and the pain was bearable. Then, again – as I pushed the button to open the garage door – I saw his car. And AGAIN – for a aplit second I thought “Oh wow – Gary’s home early!” But he’s never coming home again. And now I just sit here and cry. I just want him back.
Lisa, I know exactly how you feel. I think we all do. We want our old lives back, with our loved ones healthy and happy. When we realize (over and over again, since everything in us fights against the thought) that they aren’t coming back again in this life…. we cry. We wail. We scream. It is something we have to do…. I so wish none of us had to go through this. But, we are together is this, and we can comfort each other. I thank our Lord for that!
It has been a little over 3 months and I am really missing Steven. I go to bed so sad, and wake up so sad. I can’t get watching him die out of my head I still can’t believe he is gone. The sudden and unexpected cardiac arrest has left me in a place I have never been before. I still blame myself that I did not make him go to the Doctor they might have found something wrong that could have prevented the cardiac arrest. I just miss him so much. Our 9 year old is so upset about not being able to say goodbye to her Father while he was alive. Children are so honest! The other night she was sobbing: Mom I would have spent more time with Dad and been extra nice to him if I had known he was going to die. I know how bad the guilt feels so I reassured her that her Father loved her, and he knew that she loved him and that she did spend a whole lot of time with him. He worked 6 days a week so family time was precious. I told her we did have the chance to say Goodbye when we spent 10 days and nights with him just 10 days before his passing on our roadtrip vacation. We just did not know at that time we were saying goodbye. I thank God for that time together it was so special- even more special now having the recent photo’s, videos and precious memories. I also thank God that he was home here with us when God took his hand, as scary as it was, looking back I would not have wanted it to be on vacation, at work, while he was away from home. He was at home here with us and I see that now as a blessing even though it was so very hard to watch happen. The hardest thing I will ever see in my whole life I never felt so helpless. I had no idea he was dying- none- and then suddenly gone ..there is not a day that goes by that I have not broken down and cried my heart out. Sudden unexpected death without warning is torture you simply never have closure. He was in the Hospital the day he was born, and the day he died, never any break in between to say all those things we wanted to say when someone is ill. Hopefully things will get easier..we just miss him so much!!
I’m so glad you can write out your thoughts and feelings, Denise. They are therapeutic for us as well as for you. Thanks, again, Corinne, for providing this forum for us.
I went into Macy’s yesterday with my mom & when getting ready to leave heard I’ll Be Home For Christmas playing in there & it hit me. Mike won’t be home for Christmas. Just broke my heart. I wanted to cry but couldn’t in public. When I got to the car I broke down in pieces. My mom said I should dwell on it but how can you not when reminders like that pop up all over the place? Christmas music is so sad now. How I am supposed to go thru Christmas without him? I think I’ve broke down crying at least 3 times this week over him . I miss him so much. My parents told me the other day that I should be over it by now & it’s been along time now. I told them but March was only yesterday. It is right now and I will NEVER EVER get over losing him.
Last week I was laying in bed one nite & he came & touched me on the arm twice like an index finger was touching me. I could not see him tho, it was like his spirit was there. I said Mike Harrell quit scaring me like that. I want you to come and visit but please don’t scare me when you do. Being a Christian with the Bible saying they don’t get to come home from Heaven, I don’t think he can come back for a real visit in his body. I do believe tho from this & him touching me on my should one nite in bed, that his spirit ocan come for a minute or two to show you a sign that he cares. Sun I went to his grave. Sundays after church is my time to visit him a few minutes. Our special time together now. I do talk to him every day tho. had in the vase on the marker a pink or white rose which I put in after he passed even tho I have other flowers in there too & rotate different ones around by seasons. Well there was the rose laying on his marker so perfectly as if he had laid it there specially for me. I think he left it there for me to give me a rose. And since he can go out & buy on for me from heaven, he used that one. I told my folks about it & my mom thinks either it got put there by the storm or it fell out & a worker laid it there. I told her I don’t think so cuz the storm wouldn’t have laid it there so pretty & perfectly and if it were a worker that had done it, they would’ve put it back in the vase. I think he may have been trying toe make up for scaring me in bed touching me like that.
Also Sunday a car drove in front of me with Romans 7 on the license pate. So I looked it up to see what it said after I got back home & it was talking in there about how when the widows husband dies she is free to remarry & it’s not adultery but if she is still married it is adultery to have an affair with another man. Okay so maybe God is tell me it’s okay to remarry if I want but I don’t want to. I am married to him forever in my heart. I love you Mike. I go back & forth between crying over him and not believing he’s gone and feeling as if he never existed but was just a good dream I had for 26 yrs.
Right now I am going back & forth between crying over him, not believing he’s gone & writing on here. I so feel for you all. Things so of you have said on here I have felt them to & can so relate. We are all sisters brought together sadly by the loss of our husbands. So glad to have this place to share. Grief support is Thurs & they are gonna talk about surviving the holidays without your loved one. I need that cuz I know I am not gonna survive it very well. We had such wonderful Christmases together. He never even lived long enough to wear his new diabetic socks I got him at Christmas. I want him back so bad. I beg him to come back & he never will. I love you Mike…
So sorry about the typos. I just noticed them. You type too fast & the words transpose. My baby passed at home. Even tho I too hated to see it I was glad it was at home & not while we were out somewhere…
Hi everybody,
It is that time of the year again, when we celebrate the Holidays. Barry and I always opened up our home to everybody that did not have a place to go to. Since I am a Chef by profession, I did all the cooking with joy. All of our friends would come.
I saw some comments about how the family of the husband would disappear. It seems that the whole relationship was surreal. Did it really happened? Because of my Reverend Barry, I am carrying on a new life. We gave each other very special gifts. We were only together for four and five months.
Barry’s brother and his wife are coming down to celebrate Thanksgiving with me. They are my brother and sister in-laws. They have stayed in touched with me the past year and ten months. We are keeping up the tradition of Thanksgiving. This is for you, Barry!
I cried a little today at work. My co-worker and I were speaking about Thanksgiving. She mentioned Eggnog. I suddenly remembered how much Barry loved Eggnog. We would get it from Whole Foods Market. We would tiptoe around to see if it was on the shelf. You can see the happiness on Barry’s face. He would even use it in his coffee.
My sister in-law and I are going to my Sacred Circle with Medicine Signs to say blessings and prayers on Wednesday coming up.
I love you, Barry my King.
Your sweet wife and Queen,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I am so depressed I could scream. I had to move in with my folks after Mike went, cuz I couldn’t afford to live alone being a homemaker. And had to rent my house out to get some income. My mom had mentioned something about maybe getting a slim Christmas tree this yr so Thurs after going to grief support I picked one up in Big Lots I had seen on sale and got some nice colored multi faceted led lights for their main tree cuz they have the clear white lights on it & Mike & I always liked the colored ones cuz they were more Christmasy looking. (No offense to anyone who likes the clear white lights better). I picked up a few more things for decorating like cute garland and a lighted tree top that was similar to the one Mike & I had. My mom said she wants the tree taken back cuz it’s too scrawny so we’d use the one she had. No prob there I could put the colored lights on the tree they already have along with the white clear lights that are already on it, to make it more Christmasy looking. So we did helping my folks with it, except one set is burned out & we’d have to exchange for another one and we need another set cuz 3 is not enough and 4 is what we need.
Well my mom started squawking to take back the garland. She does not want me decorating with it (And what I was gonna do with it was gonna be really nice) and then she complained she didn’t want to use the lighted topper and to take it back cuz she wants to use an angel she uses on the top of it. And the angel does not light up either. I can kind of hang with that, it’s just I hate being told what to do when I will be 50 in a yr & 1/2. And worse yet she is now complaining about how I had to change her way to decorating the tree by adding colored lights to it. They don’t understand that I want to honor Mike memory & that I was used to decorating a certain way with Mike & don’t want to lose that. I can’t even have a life or a Christmas now that he’s gone. Can’t eve decorate or Christmas the way I want to. She thinks I am coming and taking over their lives and changing things on them.They have done alot to help me out since Mike died & I appreciate it. But I just can’t take this losing my life on top of losing him.
I am so hysterical I am crying myself silly & just feel like getting in my car & driving as far as I can go & never ever coming back to this dumb state. But I can’t. I couldn’t afford to go anywhere and my mom is gonna have knee surgery next week so I gotta take care of her & my dad with that. Now I am so depressed and I already stay depressed enough of the time. Sigh…
Things have calmed down now with my mom. She just had plenty of garland & didn’t need anymore. But still my Christmases with Mike are gone…
Cheryl
I am sure Mike will be with throughout the holidays and always. Write to him, may be greeting cards, letters keep them in the christmas tree, may be inside a gift, or in an envelope so that no one will see (If you don’t want anyone to see). Buy him a gift for mike, you can give it to someone who will need him.
May peace prevail with all of you, and god give you all the strength to carry on.
Hugs
Zulaifa
Thanks for the info and support. I am doing better now. Just not the same without him tho…
I hope everyone has a Thanksgiving that is the best it can be. It will be very hard without our loved ones-very hard. I wish we could just skip Thanksgiving and Christmas but life goes on and we must go on with it!
God Bless!
I made it through my first Thanksgiving and his birthday. Now just my birthday and Christmas, New year and the 1 year anniversary of his death. I can do this.
thank for the lovely letter,i learnt a lot,I lost my husband in 05 august 2009,he just corlpused and die with out living any massege,my his soul rest in peace,i loved his ,I still do,he was doing everything for me,he took care of every thing in the house.I mis him.I talk about him everyday.he was my friend ,tiwn and a brother.we use to go together all the time,but now i could not go shopping,i go from work to school and go back home.i’m scade to sleep alone in the house,i alway invite my sister in-law to sleep with me.
I even had problems with my in laws they was to take what belongs to me,they even frame that my husband had another wife just to get hold of the estate.after his death i never had happiness what do i do to regain my happiness,plz sister help me.i don’t even have a child or anyperson close.
Dear Noxolo -
DO NOT TRY TO HANDLE THIS YOURSELF.
GET AN ATTORNEY RIGHT AWAY.
I am so sorry.
dear Corinne
I have a lawyer actual after I met my lawyer its much better ,he told me to relax and he has just made thing easier for me.I’m now a bit relaxed but i can not stop thinking about my husband.well to all the single ladies,I’m becoming better every day,yesterday i went to visit my friend who happen to have cancer,I spoke to her try to return her spirit of hope.Losing my husband is one of the sharp bullet that almost killed my heart,but i just told my self that I am not going to die alive.guyz we need to pull through the is no other way.if u feel pity for yourself and u go around look for pity u’re destroying yourself and u can be easily became a victim.guys we need to wear a brave face and act upon.love u all single ladies.
when i was abused by my in-laws,i just told myself i need to write a book tell the people my story,I’m young but I had to be brave stand my ground yet I was griefing.girl ,it is not easy but life there are things we cannot change,were u just have to be strong and wise as well.how can you do that while in pain one would ask that?.I did. I prayed and went to seek the relavant info about my problem,read more about what i should do or say.My lawyer was the best help and his still is.
Dear Teresa -
Congratulations. You made it through the the first of the hard ones.
That first year is the worst.
I am not saying later years are easy – but I will never forget that first one. The only good thing is that it gives you confidence that you will survive after all.
Not much. But something.
The problem is that there are times that I’m not so sure I really want to survive. There are times I get so discouraged by the world and the way my life is without my husband that I long to be out of it all and with him, especially since I know that he is where we all are being prepared to go. I’m not thinking suicide…. just that I don’t like this life without the man who was the delight of my life.
The times of feeling like this don’t occur as often as they did during the first year (it has been over 17 months since he died), but they definitely still happen.
Dear Jeanine,
I feel the same way at times. It is so much harder, when holidays and memories comes around. It is very hard, when I have a hard day at work. I struggle so hard to make it thru. At times, I feel like giving up. Why am I stuggling so hard.? I lost my support system. I feel so alone at times. It is not so easy to find someone to share intimate thoughts and feelings. Others have their own problems.
It is hard to find a meaning in this economy of ours today. There is still a domino effect going on, making our lives much harder. Our security is gone. Our value and equity in our homes are gone. Can we start all over again?
All I know, is my spirituality. I do not have anything else, anymore. The material things do not have any more meaning to me. But I have to think things thoroughly so I can survive somehow. Be Gentle. Work at maintaining the peace and love that your husband found and carry. Do meditations. That is what carries me through some how. It is a very hard hard to travel on. But, I eventually know that my rewards will come to me at the end. My heart will be pure. My spirit will be pure. I will shine brightly and my dearest Barry will be waiting for me with open arms. I did not take the quick way out. Taking the quick ways out will take you on a different path. You will have to keep on repeating the situations, until you get it.
My sweet Barry will be gone from this plane, two years ago on January 26th. We were married on January 21st. I have close friends and my spiritual family. I have to do meditations to quiet all of the turmoils.
Hang in there, Jeanne. Peace and love be with you.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
The price we pay for losing our soulmate. The price of loving one so dearly and losing them brings new meaning to the word pain. A pain so deep and aching that we feel we can’t go on. I also feel like I am walking around half alive, you are not alone. Such a big part of me has left this earth. But my Soulmate who brought sunshine to my every day, is a bright lit star waiting for me in heaven. It is OK to be profoundly sad, not because we don’t have faith, but because we miss our loved one more as time goes on. It has been 4 months and the healing continues. Do I hang up the Daddy ornaments on the tree? Do I wear the wedding ring on my finger? Do I hang his stocking on the mantle? How can I go cut down a fresh christmas tree without him? I can, I have to, he would want me to do that for the sake of our 9 year old child. I feel so out of control, who was I to think that I was ever in control? It was never my plan, it was and will continue to be Gods plan. It did not match our plan, not even close! Reprogramming my mind is not an easy thing to do my future and all my hopes and dreams have been stripped away. I really have no other choice other to than accept what is present- so hard. I have the past, I have the memories and they will never fade from our heart and soul. One day Gods plan will be revealed and we will understand the enescapable love he has for all of us!! God Bless.
Thanks for your kind and meaningful words, Mary and Denise. All we can do is take each day as it comes, asking for God’s strength, guidance and peace to get us through each one. That’s how I’m enduring.
single ladie what up today!!!!!!I NOX again strenght i have is so much eveyday,my life is getting better everyday,charting is one of the most important things in times of sorrows,listening to music is also the key.Guy no one can replace my husband but I just found myself a malefriend(not a boy friend it is to soon to think about that)we chart everyday (we normal chart about my husband,how good he was,how special he is to me)I do have friends believe me, they would like to listen but they are busy with their problems,and I understand,this new friend chart with me,he calls me in the morning during lunch hour and in the evening.everyday i talk about my husband,and I’m healing.I never saw him,we are just charting.he calls me by mistake,he was not looking for me,he was lost and becuase my voice was down,ask me why am I so sad?,I told him the story.he is a very nice person. he understand me better.he is not a stranger to mi anymore.
guys life is not that easy,i even realise that some wars u need other hand to fight,but not in a desparate way,pray to god to help u out,try to find someone who is far from u,whom you can only chart with him,not seeing him,because if u see him they can be mixed feeling (believe me u don’t need another confusion right now)like I’m in mthatha,I chart with a man who is in Cape town.I learn about this in a soap called generations in SABC 1TV.CHARTING TO YOU GUYS is also my source of strenght.
I never wanted this year to be anything but happy. I was turning 40 and looking forward to the next decade with my man. I hoped that my Mum would last long enough to see her baby reach 40.
Nae such luck, as they say around my way. Mum passed away on 5th November, and my husband Martin passed away on the 1st December. I don’t know what to do next. Mum had cancer and Martin had only been diagnosed 6 months ago with Motor Nuerone Disease.
I feel like I want to tell the whole world, its not fair, I was supposed to grow old with this man and I’m a bloody widow at 39. I want my mum, but that’s not happening either. We didn’t have any kids, thankfully easier through his illness, but at least I’d have something to distract me, help me get back to some sort of normality.
I’m sorry, I read this, and I couldn’t stop typing.
Thanks for listening.
Nx
‘ :@
I wish I had paid more attention to everything Steven did around the house. I feel completely useless I can’t even figure out how to get the Cho- Cho- train working around the Christmas tree for our daughter. I am learning about the furnace, water softner, humidifier. I dare not try the snowblower or any tools I might hurt myself:-(
We miss him soooo much in so many ways. So on top of profoundly sad, devestated, shocked that he is gone, scared and mad I am frustrated. Gosh I love him more every day- is that possible or am I crazy? God Bless!
First thanks for your site – it’s good to know I’m not alone in my feelings. It’s been 10 days since my husband suddenly died of a heart attack. It’s all so overwhelming right now. Today was the first time I ventured out of the house alone, just to pick up a few necessary items at the store – all of a sudden I was overcome with anxiety – I couldn’t get home soon enough. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up because I thought I heard him calling me from upstairs – it seemed so real that for a brief moment I thought – wow that was a really bad dream – but the dream was thinking I heard him calling me. He was so much more than my husband – he was my confidant and best friend and now he’s not here for me to confide in and share this pain I’m feeling. I just can’t get past the feeling that he should be coming home soon. “They” say it will get better with time – and maybe it will but right now it’s hard to imagine life as just “me” and not “us”.
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