The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Thank you, Ladies, my Mum would normally do all the praying, but as she has now passed on, I can only hope she is watching over him.
I have 2 stories to share with you. My sister was preparing my dads tea last week. Dad was up the stairs and there was no one else in the house. She was leaning over to get something when she felt someone poke her in the back. It felt so real that she turned around to see who it was and no one was there. She told me that our mum used to do that to her.
The second is about my husbands cousin Alison. She attends a spiritualist church, and she got a message about Martin. The young lady who received the message, described him as being in pain from head to toe whilst here, but that now he had arrived and everything was ok.
Unfortunately I’ve not had any signs. I did ask my mum to send me a sign if she was right, to let me know if she were with God (she believed and prayed every day) and my husband joked that he would come back and haunt me. Maybe it’s still too early and I’m still hurting, angry and sometimes feeling sorry for myself to notice what might be right in front of me. I’ve asked them both to look after Dad, to make sure he gets better and that nothing else goes too wrong with him.
I’m going back to work next week, which I’m really looking forward to. I feel like its a new term at school, so this weekend I’m getting all my work clothes together and clearing things up so I have 2 spare rooms instead of 1 and a dumping ground.
Stay strong ladies, I think about you all often.
Much Love
Normaxxx
Lori
I have read so many books because I am an avid reader. I was gifted many of the books and my Top 3 favorites are:
I Wasn’t ready to say Goodbye (sudden unexpected loss)
A Grace disguised
90 Minutes in Heaven
Having said that you must know I am Christian. I was blessed at a young age to be touched by the Holy Spirit so I know there is a God. While I realize this is a choice, I really had no choice in the matter because the God chose me instead of me choosing God. I am blessed for the fact that I know God exists and feel his presence in my heart and soul. Having said that, I chose to reciprocate and open my heart to God so our relationship is grand. The second two books are uplifting in a way I can connect with. The first Book is non Christian and was appropriate for my sudden uinexpected loss. If you go to Amazon.com you can search books and read reviews on loss of spouse, husband, etc and read several reviews of what others thought. I hope this helps you to find some comfort- I know it will. It is a long journey so depending here you are in your journey there is a book for each stage.
God Bless
I would like to add another book to Denise’s list:
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.
I, like Denise, am a follower of Christ because God chose me at an early age, and I chose to reciprocate, thus the books I recommend involve faith. C.S. Lewis married late in life and then lost his wife to cancer after only four years of marriage. Like all of his, he agonized over the ‘whys’ and did a marvelous job of sharing his journey through his book.
Thanks for sharing your stories, Norma. I pray that all goes well with your return to work.
Oops. I should have reread my posting more closely before I submitted it! I meant to write “Like all of us,” rather than “his.” In addition, I meant to add my recommendation for “A Grief Disguised.” It helped me tremendously. I have “90 Minutes in Heaven,” but haven’t read it yet.
Sorry I have been doing more reading than writing but have had a cold, congestion, sinus problems and slight bronchitis all in one. That and my diabetes & depression have me sleeping alot. I think that while for some folks remarriage may be for them, with others like me it is not meant to be because we could never love anyone else. I know the Bible says we are free to remarry once widowed but I don’t think it means you have to and that for some of us we never will.
I bought Mike the 90 Minutes In Heaven book for his bd one yr. I read it first and then gave it to him. Whether he finished it or not I dunno but it is a good book.
I will be a yr in March that Mike went home to heaven. I still cannot & never will believe it that he is gone. It was such a shock him going like he did from the heart attack plus having moved in immediately with my folks sparing myself the sleeping in the home alone without him, all that had made me so I do not believe he is gone. I can go and be doing just fine and then all of a sudden I go all to pieces over him. I wave hi to him up in heaven everyday and talk to him everyday telling him I love him. I know he hears me cuz of that beautiful rainbow he sent me at Nags Head beach in Oct. Some days I act just fine. Others I am so heartbroken. But everyday I miss him so much. He just can’t be gone. It seems like he will come back one day and yet he won’t. It seems as if he was just a beautiful dream. I lived with my folks before marrying him, then for 23 yrs I had a dream that I was married to a man named Mike, and then I am back with my folks again and he was only a beautiful dream.
I keep having dreams where he is alive and we go places and do things like go shopping and out to eat and on trips. On the trips we stay in neat mom and pop motels that aren’t flea bags. Evidently I must want to stay in neat mom and pop motels that aren’t flea bags. And we go to old 60’s & 70’s malls. Probably because when we had them here we used to enjoy going to them. I hate waking up cuz he is dead again. My folks just don’t understand me talking to him when he is dead. But I know he hears me cuz of that sweet rainbow he sent me.
Recently when I went out to eat with some friends we got to laughing. A waitress at Shoneys whose friends with Mikes cousin said that boy I sure seemed happy that day and seemed surprised I’d be happy after Mike died. After that I felt so guilty about laughing even tho I know Mike would want me to and want me to enjoy myself. I should not be having fun when I am hurting so bad. I would give anything to have him back. He was my first and only love. I could never love another man. Not only cuz I love Mike, but I couldn’t handle the stress of having to tell another man all about Mike, telling him about how he died, breaking down over him and then being embarrassed about it. Plus no man would want me having pics of Mike all over the place or to have to deal with sleeping with my pillow with the pic of Mike in it or sleeping with my stuffed animals. While it would be nice to have someone to go places with, it would not be the same.
Mike & I were friends with a guy whose a folk singer. How we became friends with him is I became a fan of his and after that we went to a show of his and met him after the show. After that we started going to see him in concert whenever he came anywhere near VA. Well in Feb he is doing 2 shows in Hampton, VA, one show in Charlottesville and one in Northern, VA near DC. My folks are gonna go with me to the Hampton shows and my dad will stay int he motel room. My best friend who set me up on the blind date with Mike is gonna go to Charlottesville with me. But I have no one to go to Northern Va to see him with. My friend can’t go cuz of working and my folks refuse to go with me as they do not want to go anywhere near DC. My mom will not let me go alone (you know how moms worry) & I am kind of fearful to drive in all that traffic alone. So it looks like I won’t get to go and I am so upset about it. When Mike & I went we always stopped by this outlet mall in Woodbridge, VA. So now no show and no trip to the outlet mall. Cuz Mike passed on. So unfair. Last week I got Mexican food for the first time since Mike went. Got it on the way back from the drs. I have no one to eat Mexican with cuz my folks don’t like it and my friends can’t eat it cuz it’s too spicy. I don’t even get to do what I want now cuz Mike is gone. Oh well at least I am alive. I love you Mike!
Hope all goes well for everyone on here. Prayers just said for all of you…
Thank you so much… I thought you were speaking as if you knew me. I lost my wonderful husband from pancreatic cancer. It will be 2 years February 18th. He was very healthy and fit, a State Trooper and my rock. He got sick suddenly, he fought it hard, but lost his battle quickly and painfully. I was by his side..pushed that pain button as often as I could. He died on our couch as he wanted to, no hospital beds or strangers around him. It was him, our sons and me. Most painful nite of my life. Lots has happened since…kids moved on, married, college, babies… I am still here.. missing him. I have gone out, even dated… but my heart aches for him. I am 49 now… will be 50 in Sept. Our plan was… blah blah blah.. we had a plan.. to enjoy “our time”. We had earned it.. now what?
My heart is gone, with him until we are together again.
Forever,
Sue
I can relate to how Sue is feeling. Altho my Mike passed from a sudden heart attack, he passed on our living room couch. You’re not much older than I am. I’ll be 50 next yr. Scary.
I wrote on here about a new blog I did up in memory of my Mike but evidently my post didn’t post. So the link to the blog is:
http://mikeharrell.blogspot.com/
Sue,
I, too, lost my wonderful husband, Don, to pancreatic cancer in June 2008. You couldn’t find a more clean-living, seemingly healthy, sweet man anywhere on this earth, and yet he got that terrible disease. We fought it together with a lot of prayer, and alternative treatments in conjunction with limited conventional treatments, and he lived two years beyond expectation. In addition, he was pain-free and feeling “almost normal” for several months during that time. So, I know we were blessed with a little extra time, but I still long to be with him. He also passed at home with me, and I am thankful for that. In fact, I am thankful for many blessings in my life, but I still look forward to the time I will join Don for eternity.
Cheryl,
Am I remembering correctly that you are related to Jason Mraz? Shortly after Don died I heard Jason’s song “Lucky” and adopted it as ‘our’ theme song. I had never heard of Jason before that, and was surprised to read that you are related to him… a cousin, right? To me the lines, “I’m lucky to be in love with my best friend… Lucky to be coming home some day,” represent the love Don and I have, and the fact that I will some day join him in our eternal home. If you ever talk to Jason, thank him for the song for me, please. It has given me a lot of comfort.
I pray for you two as I pray for myself, and everyone else who suffers catastrophic loss: For peace from our Creator that transcends all understanding.
That is so cool you like cousin Jasons song and adopted it as ya’lls song. He is my 2nd cousin on my dad’s side of the family. His late grandpa and my dad are brothers. That line would fit Mike and I. I love and miss him so much. I’ll never believe he is gone. It is too much of a shock…
I know what you mean about not believing your man is gone, Cheryl. It’s been over 19 months since Don died, and I am just now slowly accepting it. For example, Don always liked to wash the windows, so I never have had to do it. For 19 months I have resisted washing windows. Unreasonable as it sounds, I think I was waiting for Don to do it. I felt that I would be preventing his being able to come back if I did what he always did, so I didn’t do it. I wasn’t actually thinking those thoughts, but in retrospect I can see that I was feeling that way without realizing it. Today I washed windows, and it felt OK. Not ‘good’ … just OK.
Hi everybody,
As I read all the comments, I want to share what I went thru thinking about and trying to date again…..Just the thought of kissing another man or holding hands…..nearly sent me off into a panic. I made vows to my Barry and they are still there. I am trying to find out what men goes thru in losing their wives. It would be nice to share some in depth thoughts without strings attached. I do not think that it is only us, women feeling this way.
I have to let the thought of trying to date go…I feel older and all I can talk about is my Barry and our wonderful relationship. Who would want to listen to all of that?
Fortunately, I have my friends and Barry’s friends that have stayed closed by the last two years. I have dinner parties with them just to celebrate Life. Maybe one day, if God grants it…I would be loved and to be able to love another being, again. In the meantime, I just carry my dreams on in helping others and guiding them. I just have to be me.
I am
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Denise,
Even though your 9-year-old doesn’t want to go to a therapist, if you feel you cannot handle getting your child to a better place, can’t get your child to talk, then I think you should take your child to the therpist, regardless of resistence. You are the parent. You wouldn’t skip going to the doctor if that were needed, would you? It’s the same thing, only this time it’s an emotional hurt, not a physical one. Sometimes you have to make them do things things your kids don’t want to do. You have to be the bad guy sometimes, especially when you know it’s for their own good. Don’t be a wimp about this. Don’t let this go. Take your child to the therapist. Don’t leave it up to them to decide. They’re too little, too inexperienced. to know or decide what will help them in the long run. Be the parent!
To Cheryl Harrell,
When I read your posts, it sounds like a teenager is writing them, not an adult. Since it’s been a year since your husband died, I’m curious – have you made any kind of life plan? Have you set any goals for yourself? You might feel a whole lot better about yourself if you devise how to obtain what you want out of the rest of your life. For example, if you want to get a place of your own and not live with your parents the rest of your life, write down the steps needed to accomplish it and then begin working towards that goal. Heck, make a list of everything you want to accomplish and then slowly work at getting everything done. Even if it takes you years to accomplish your list, you’ll start to feel better about yourself right away because you have a plan and are working towards accomplishing it. I think number one on your list should be to get some kind of job. Don’t you think you’ll feel better if you have some financial independence from your parents? Right now it sounds like they make all the decisions in your life and you’re too old for that to go on much longer. I don’t know how you put up with it. I’d go crazy if I had to live with my parents at this point in my life, but if it were to happen, the only thing that would make me feel better about the situation would be to begin working towards independence. You can start by making a list. It doesn’t require anything except a piece of paper and a pencil. Why don’t you give it a try?
Mary,
I agree, we need to let God lead us in all aspects of our lives, including our relationships with men other than our husbands. For me, my bond with my Don was my whole life and I had no room for in-depth relationships with any one else….. and I loved it that way! Now, in trying to release myself to God so He can guide me, I think it is time for me to learn to relate to others, especially other women. For the first time in my life I have a group of women friends, and I cherish each one. Also, my relationships with my children and their families is deeper now, but I am being cautious about becoming too dependent on them. Other men have no place in my life, and I believe the Lord will keep it that way because He created me for Don for eternity. But, that is just my path in the Lord. Everyone else has their own path to walk, and each path will be different.
Deborah,
It is wonderful to care about others and to try to help them; but, along the lines of what I wrote to Mary: Cheryl has her own path, and it’s direction is between her and her Creator. Her path may be very different from your path. We can pray for each other to be guided by our Creator to walk our paths as He guides, not as others guide. This is especially true of us on this forum, since we see such a small part of each others’ lives in what we write.
I pray that God guide and bless us all.
Hi Deborah
I have my 9 year old up for a childhood grieving group where a lady I know from School has many young children who lost a parent and holds a group session. She has her Masters degree in childhood psychology and suggested I need not use the word “therapist” or “psychologist” when I bring her there. This is how the other children get there by not using “adult terms” so I am going to take that advice and tell her I have some new friends for her to meet:-). I also have schooling in Psychology from Northwestern, so I would like to think I can handle it, but this is best as first and foremost I am her Mother and may not see the pain objectively. I can’t be objective because I am still in so much pain myself. My daughter is aware of what Psychologists due because of my schooling, so I’m not going to lie or force her into doing anything, she will open up it due time it may still be too soon. Thanks for trying to help but apparantly forcing the child to go is not a good option it backfires every time.
Hi everyone:
I have been reading the posts and find much comfort in the love and support given by most of the posts I have read.
I must say, however, because of my teachings, I am never to judge, criticize or condemn another human being. I (sometimes) feel that comments made about what another person should or should not do are out of place. Unless we know all that is involved in another’s life stream, we cannot know what is the right thing to do at any given time. Those decisions are entirely between each of us and our Mighty I AM Presence God.
I am in no way trying to preach. I just simply believe this is a wonderful forum for supporting each other, remembering each of us handles things in different ways, and knowing that time, love and support go a long way toward getting us all back to the pathway of light.
Please friends, let’s be kind to each other. There is enough hurt without trying to make someone feel like they are doing less than they should be doing. These are difficult times and whatever you may think, WE are all going to get through this.
Have faith. Love, Wisdom, Strength and Power to you all.
Terre
Dear Everybody,
Thank you. It is true…there are no time limits, no end of the Universe…It is only about our unconditional Love inside of our physical and spiritual hearts. God’s creations is all around us. It leaves me in awe at times.
I was listening to Deval Premal on the way home from work tonight. I was crying a little as the spiritual wave went thru me. It is to much bigger than us. We are only a speck in this Universe. We are just little starlings.
It comfort me to know that my Barry made it thru his rough life and found his spirituality. He will be there waiting somewhere to find me again. I had told him to go on and do what God requires of him. His spirit was waiting for me. With such a deep love that we carry, we will find each other again.
Like I said with my own lifetime of experiences, I can help others and guide them, to give encouragements, hope and love. I am planning on taking a couple of other classes so I can understand and be able to help.
I am working on healing the cracks and hole in my heart, so that I can be whole again.
Until each one of us is ready, then we will be able to see….That is why I have worked so hard on myself the last two years. It still is not an easy road.
Terre, Thank You for your I Am presence!
I am
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Ladies, don’t be harsh towards Deborah, she is expressing how she feels in and open and honest way. Sometimes when you write something, you don’t get the inflection to it as if you said it. Although I don’t agree with any sort of therapist for kids, unless they are showing disturbing behaviour, I understand this is more common on the west side of the Atlantic. Everyone does find their own way during this process, no matter how long it takes, but this site is here to express how we are feeling, to get support from others and hopefully along the way learn something.
So Deborah, keep giving us your thoughts. I know how you feel sometimes, because I feel that a lot of our ladies are living in groundhog day, where their lives stopped the day their husband died. In time they will either move on or not.
I for one, am moving on. I love my husband very much, but I know he would not want me living in the past and if I find another man or start dating, they will be told up front what they are getting into, because I’m not ready to put my photos of Martin away, but I am ready for the intimacy that only another person can give.
Stay strong ladies, and listen to what everyone has to say. You may not like it or agree with it, but that’s how we deal with it.
Much love
Normaxxx
We all come from different walks of life. Some of us old, some of us young, and some of us in-between. Some of us have children, others do not. Some of us highly educated, some of us not. Some of us believe in God, some of us not. Some of us lost our spouse suddenly and unexpectedly very young, some watched their loved ones deteriorate up until the time of passing. Whatever the circumstances may be we all have one thing in common, we have lost our soulmate and this is the reason we are brought together to help one another. We are not here to judge or be critical, we are here to support one another. There is no place for name calling or using negativity as it is hurtful and we do not turn to this site to be hurt, we turn to this site for comfort.
Having said that I hope that everyone has a blessed Sunday. Seems every event has painful memories. I was engaged on Superbowl Sunday so this time of year too brings such happy memories, yet such sadness since this is the first Superbowl without my Steven. I get sad looking through the obituaries and see very few pass under the age of 50. I can’t help but wonder why his life was cut so short, and so suddenly. I’m not sure if the suddeness hurts the most or that he had not even reached 50. One thing I do know for sure is this is the most painful experience in my life and I miss him profoundly. What I would not give to have just had the chance to say goodbye it just seems so cruel. I thank everyone for their Love and Support this site has for the most part been very helpful to me. As we bring January to a close I just wanted to say Thank You to Corrine and everyone on the site who has helped me. I have become so much more compassionate since my catastrophic loss, so I hope to at least help others if I can while I am here on this Earth.
God Bless and Love to everyone
Denise,
Thank you for your post…. you expressed my thoughts well. Your words brought me comfort, and I am sure they touched others, also. I am one of the older ones (but still too young to lose their life partner) who watched their cherished partner slowly deteriorate. I look back and think of so many things that I wish I would have said and done, but I must trust I did what was best for my man because I was praying constantly that I do just that. Since much of my identity was connected to my husband, part of me was also dying. Prayer and faith brought me through that horrendous time and is helping me cope now. Being able to share with others through this forum has been part of that help, and I am thankful for that. I hope my words have also been helpful to someone.
Blessings to all.
Hi Ladies, I too have found this site useful, but it goes to show the differences we have being on different continents.
I’m glad some of you have faith in a god to help you get through, and I’m also glad that those who don’t, me included, have found other avenues to share their grief.
No one wants to say hurtful things, but please understand that anger is a powerful emotion and sometimes this site is an outlet for it. I know that I’ve written a few posts when feeling angry and although I’d wished I’d taken a deep breath, I have no regrets writing what I have.
Above all, we need to accept how we are feeling at the time of writing. To have understanding of how the posts are written and to take them in context of how the person may be feeling, will allow us all to experience the different emotions we are going through and hopefully help each other through this.
I’m looking forward to going back to work next week, the mental stimulation and getting to see people who care deeply for me, will aid in the healing process.
Stay strong ladies.
Much love
Normaxxx
Eternal blessings to you Denise:
I went to bed last night and had a miserable time going to sleep. I simply could not get off my mind why anyone would use this forum to say such hurtful, unkind, critical things to anyone on this forum just because they feel they have a right to say whatever comes to mind.
When these things are said, I have to wonder where the love and compassion is. Books are perfect mediums to show us that we are all going through grief in different ways and none of them are wrong. Some take a shorter time to get through the process and others take longer.
I know I feel only love, compassion, understanding and patience because of my close relationship to my Mighty I AM Presence God.
I am absolutely certain I would have folded up the sidewalk long ago if not for that relationship.
Many do not have that, or have not yet connected. When the time is right, they will understand.
I am close to 70, and I had 44 years with my Larry. God knows I am telling the truth when I say he was/is the most kind, gentle, unconditionally loving, patient, sweet, loyal man I have ever known.
Even my Dad said to me one day when I made the comment to him, “I always hoped I would one day marry a man who is half the man you are.” His response to me was “Larry is twice the man I’ll ever be.” My Mother also said to me one day, “I’ve never seen anyone love someone as much a Larry loves you.”
I say these things over and over to myself sometimes to remind me how greatful I am to Larry, for Larry and also how greatful I am he is free.
I get the feeling that some people may be experiencing anger and maybe aren’t quite aware of how hurtful or critical things come across when read by others.
Denise: I was so amazed to read your post and how you so eloquently worded it. It has taken a load off my mind. You have so much strength and love. I can hear and feel it in your posts as well as your pain. I don’t know how you manage with yourself and your daughter. Even though I relate to your pain and loss, I have only myself. You are a VERY STRONG, WONDERFUL lady and mother.
Your daughter is fortunate indeed. You will come through this as will I and all those who are in the same process. I love you, Denise. And we both know without a doubt, where there is only love, nothing less that love can exist.
Eternal blessings to you too Jeanine:
I have read your posts and have found MUCH comfort from them as well as most others. I can relate well to everything you wrote in your last post. I know there are several steps to grief. It took me a while to accept my Larry no longer being with me in physical form. I did experience a very short time of regret. I was able to get past that because I am verbal and have no problem expressing myself. As a result of that, I always talked to him about everything. I even, on several occasions, asked him to forgive me for anything I might have said or done during your lives together that was unkind or hurtful. I tried my best to always be open with him. I have never experenced the anger issue regarding his passing. I am so greatful he is free, I can’t get any anger worked up. I must say I was selfish in the beginning, because one minute I wanted to die and be with him (no thoughts of suicide though), and the next minute I wanted him to be here with me. Forget the paragraphs here. Anyway, after a time, I realized how selfish I felt and now things are starting to feel more light instead of so heavy. I am still having difficulties because of being in an area where I know nobody, have no friends less than a hundred miles away and no family. I am, however, starting to really get re-connected with my Mighty I AM Presence God. Without that and beautiful people like you who know how to love, without judgement or criticism, I just might have lost the whole will to live. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you Corinne for allowing us to use this forum.
Light, Love and Blessings to you all. Terre
Hi Norma:
There is love on all continents. I like to read what I have written before I send it to make certain that I don’t hurt or judge anyone.
This forum is a place to express how we are feeling at any given time regarding the loss of our spouse. That is where the love and support should be.
This is not a forum to judge or criticize anyone about what they are doing or not doing, or about how their children are or are not being handled, etc. That has nothing to do with how you or anyone else may be feeling about the loss of their spouse. Where criticism and judgement are, support is not.
Please, let’s all keep focus of the purpose of Corinne’s great forum….love, compassion, listening, patience, understanding.
Love and Light to you always. Terre
Dear Ones -
It would be nice, as Terre says, if this forum was just
“love, compassion, listening, patience, understanding.”
And it is – but let’s add forgiveness.
This may be the only place where the participants can vent anonymously and get away with it.
Most have to play nice everywhere else.
You were asking for book recommendations.
You might want to buy my book -
“Reflections from a Woman Alone” from Amazon.
It is now out of print – but
You can buy it USED for one cent!
It is sad – but also funny. You might need a laugh about now.
(no I will not make any money if you do)
Keep venting. We will listen.
Love to you all -
My husband died over 5 years ago after a 3 year battle with cancer. He was only 49. I was 52 and my daughter was 18 and son 15 when he died. My kids – now 23 and 20 – are still angry with ME that their dad died. It seems that they do not care at all about me – no visits at holidays, no cards, phone calls, no emails – no birthday wishes or Mother’s day gifts. My daughter moved 3000 miles away 2 years ago , almost never response me and never talks about having me visit her or her coming home to visit. My son lives with me, won’t do much of anything, and so might as well be living 3000 miles away, too. I have been to counseling, but have never been able to get them to go. I know that they need it to become healthy adults. All my friends are enjoying their college-aged kids, and grandkids and traveling with their hubbies and looking forward to wonderful retirements. I can say none of that will happen to me. I can’t even have a conversation with friends regarding kids as I do not have anything to say anymore. I wonder if my kids will ever be part of my family again? I don’t feel like a Mom anymore and don’t feel like I have kids . I did not think that when my hubby died that I would lose my children, too.
thank you Corine, I’m glad that at least 1 person understands where I’m coming from.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello friends, I haven’t written in awhile and am checking in to see how everyone is doing. The pattern I’m seeing is it is worse after the weekend has passed. Mondays are a terrible struggle for me and the children. I have started to “write him” letters about what the day has brought us, how much we/I miss him, etc. It seems to help because I cry and cry when I’m writing. It seems I can cry at the drop of a hat lately!
God Bless you all.
Lori
Dear Lori:
If it is any comfort to you, you are not alone. It is nearly 11 months for me now and I still have tough times, but I seem ( I use the word seem lightly) to be progressing more on the possitive path. Take good care of yourself.
Love, Light and Blessings to you. Terre
Wow to everybody!
I will have to go back after I get home from work today to read everything that was written. I have also been thinking that this support forum has been very helpful. I look forward to the connection and not feel so alone. This site gives a lot of encouragements with the struggling to survive and live without our soul mates.
I had my sixth class in Ministry II last night dealing with Past Lives. I see how our Past Lives affect our Present Lives. I see that my sweet Barry has always been there, dispite of our different paths. I pray that one day when we do find each other again, we can complete our lives together.
I just turn 61, January 17th. I have been working as a Chef taking care of senior citizens for the past 25 years. I have always related with older people because they have so many stories of living.
Living outside of myself have helped me to continue on. I am looking forward to helping people more in depth, than just feeding them.
I have always believe that we can heal ourselves thru the spirit, mind and body as a whole.
I feel sad for children that are effected by the losses. I find that they have to go thru it and hopefully they will find a way back to the light. If our losses of our spouses have effected us so deeply, imagine how hard it is for our children. It must be two or three times as hard, because they are not fully mature yet. We can only work on our own issues to become a better person by example no mature what the criticisms are. I have learn to listen deeply thru meditation. The answers are there for us when we are ready.
So a big Thank You to all of my friends out there.
With Love and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Happy Birthday to you Mary Lotus Butterfly. I am looking forward to your responses the the last few posts. Love and Light to you always. Terre
In 2 weeks I will have been widowed for 6 months. It’s getting worse every day and I don’t know how to get through anymore. I have a young daughter who is struggling with school and tomorrow she returns after being home for a week, she feels all the teachers hate her because she doesn’t go to school as much as she should and she can’t keep up with the homework. Today I was supposed to have an interview for a job I depseratly need and I went to the interview on the wrong day!!! I feel everything is getting out of control and nobody can help me. My parents are elderly and my father also has cancer, my friends are kind but they can’t be with me every time I feel low…If only I could spend a few days in bed wake up better?
Hi Gail
Friday, it will be 11 months since my Larry passed. Still, it seem to be a tiny bit better for me now. There are those days, however……. I seem to be at a point now, where I seem to be wondering how I am going to get through year after year now. So, I guess my vision/scope is starting to widen a little bit. At 6 months, I definitely was not there. When a job is needed, that is very stressful by itself, then, besides the loss of your husband, you have a daughter who is going through things she maybe isn’t quite grown up enough to handle. I find it difficult to hear so many say it takes “time”, I am really tired of that word. Even so, it is a fact. As you may have read, my husband and I were together for 44 years (24/7) and where I live, there is nobody I know and no family. Even though we are in similar yet different spaces, I do know how you feel regarding your loss and I am here to be a friend who understands. If you wish to e-mail or call, I will be glad to talk to you or type to you whenever you need me. Until I see you post again, Love, Light and Strength to you. Terre
January 24th was the anniversary of the sudden death of my beloved Earl. He was the love of my life for 40 years . I thought I was doing well but I have been so grief stricken for the past month. I long for him so very much but don’t know what to do. I go through the motions of living and getting done what has to be done. Does this pain ever go away?
To Mary Lotus Butterfly, belated birthday wishes, and to all love and blessings!
Zulaifa
Happy bd to Mary Lotus! Hope all are doing well. I love how everyone gets along so well on here. There are some message boards where they argue and I hate that.
Mon morning I had a bad nightmare about Mike. I dreamed he had never died and had been alive for a yr & I did not know it until I went to North Carolina and ran into him. I woke up scared and in tears. Went back to bed and had more nightmares where he never died and was alive & I did not know it. Very scary to me. I think maybe I want him to be alive instead of dead. But I know I saw him pass. I saw the emergency crew pushing on him and going breathe sir please breathe.
Tues morn I had a better dream about him. I was in some big town in their downtown area and it looked like downtowns did in the 60’s & 70’s. Suddenly Mike sent me 2 pretty rainbows in the sky and they were so beautiful. One of each side. I was taking pics of them like crazy.
I think the reason it seems like he was just something I dreamed for 23 yrs was. When he passed I immediately went to live with my folks. I never slept in the house after that. So I never experienced the sleeping in the house alone without him stuff. I don’t think I could’ve handled it. I miss him so much. In March it will be a yr since he went. I can’t believe it has been that long. I know I could never live a day without him or sleep without him and yet I have. Shock to my body and system so much shock I don’t believe what has happened. When I do fully believe it I will probably have the worst nervous breakdown ever.
I put up on YouTube a video of Mike doing the Beatles Nowhere Man song. I taped him singing along with the radio on a cassette recorder in the early 80’s. It’s here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0yH0CWpnsk
I have other vids up. If you want to see them just go to my Youtube channel. Some are in tribute to him but some aren’t which may be too off topic here. I just want to tribute him and show my love for him. He was my buddy who did things with me and now my buddy is gone…
Cheryl,
I visited YouTube and watched Mike! What a wonderful man. It warms my heart that you had such a wonderful love of your life. I know how you feel, my husband passed away on Dec. 19 of a sudden heart attack. It was a huge shock and I feel numb most days. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I have kids to raise. Keep writing and sharing with all of us. I know it is a comfort to me to have such a connection to my new friends.
Love, Lori
Hello everybody,
Thank you Terre, Zulaifa and Cheryl for wishing me a “Happy Birthday”.
When my Barry and I met on August 13th, 2004 Friday, we thought we were going to grow old together, hand in hand, cheek to cheek. We discovered that we both do Meditations. Our first date was a Tibetian Bowl Meditation with Reiki Healing. I was not sure of him. A voice inside of me told me to deeper, Mary. Look Deeper. So, I look out of the corner of my eyes with my eyelids almost closed. I saw what a wonderful spirit that Barry is. My Barry moved in with me one month later. His friends told him that it was too soon, that I might be an “Axe Murderer”!!! Barry told them, not this one…this one is for keeps!!!
Barry told them about our endearing words to each other everyday. When I come home from work, I would shut the front door to shut out the world. We would run to each other with open arms, hugging and kissing.
OK, everybody…what memories do you have in meeting your love of your life? This will help heal the pain…we can remember the deep Love. We can smile a bit…then we can laugh a bit…then we can listen to love songs…maybe we can dance a bit….
Hello Gail,
I remember how dizzy I was. I was so mixed up in what was and in the real world. It took some hard work on myself and time before things started making sense. Seek some spiritual counseling. Children are very delicate. I saw on the news oneday about a horse farm for children to go to learn to take care of them. With unconditional love, children and animals connect. Children then can open up without fears. Somehow, we need to find a way to extend ourselves to other people and animals to heal. We have find the strength and courage. There is a better day thru hope and love. Honor your husband. Carry on. Your husband would not like to see you like that. Remember as to why he fell in love with you. That is how I made it thru.
Blessings to all,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Shannon,
My Steven was also 49 when he passed away fron sudden cardiac arrest. I am sorry for your loss and that it was 3 years of cancer that must have been hard on everyone (even though it has been 5 years) I am sure you miss him and the relationship with your children very much. Your children now in their early 20’s may just be going through a phase. I am sure deep in their heart they love you. It must be hard for you. I am not understanding how if your husband died of cancer you could be to blame in their eyes and why the anger is directed towards you. Please know that each day brings new promises of hope. Your creator who made you loves you and you are never alone. God changes lives everyday and I will pray for you and your children. Thanks for sharing your story!
Doreen
I do not think the pain will ever go away. You had 40 years together with Earl how wonderful is that! He was so much a part of you and always will be. The cost of true love is deep pain when one passes and the other is left behind. Many never find someone, and I know it may sound cliche, but it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved (or been loved) at all. There are many who never find true love and die never having experienced it. It may not seem like it now but we have been blessed, we are lucky, and we will be together again one day with our loves. Have Hope and stay strong-I am sure Earl would not want to see you in such pain.
Gail
You are traveling a long hard road, we all are in our journey of grief. A bright day is on the horizon, and things are going to get better if you have the faith. In 6 days I will have been a widoww for 6 months too, so I am right there with you. I also have a 9 year old daughter and my Father also has Cancer. I also need to find a job and health benefits for my daughter and I. None of this matched my plan, but God has a plan for us and it will be revealed. See e have alot in common and maybe we can help each other in some ways.
All
My love to everyone and God Bless! If tears could build a stairway to Heaven I would have been there and back a thousand times in the last 6 months. I have never cried so much in my whole life!! These last 6 months I have aged 10 years. This is such a hard journey but everyone has had some advice that has helped me. In turn we help eachother and that alone should make everyone feel just a little better.
That is the purpose of this experience, if any good can come of profound sorrow, it is we have have the ability to truly understand how it feels to have loved and lost and help one another.
Glad for the new and old who have found us and joined the site. We love to hear from you and share in your pain & sorrow. God Bless
I’m pleased that I share a birthday month with you, Mary, even if I am three years older than you. Unfortunately, my birth day is the same date as the day Dorene’s husband died. I know how you feel, Dorene. My Don was the center of my life for 43 years, and we both loved it that way. It’s hard to feel there is a reason to keep on living, when the purpose of your life is gone….. but we must. Our Creator has left us here for a purpose, and we must fulfill it.
Thanks for posting the link for Mike’s music, Cheryl. Makes me think I should figure out how to post Don’s music, since I have several videos of him playing guitar and singing.
After over 19 months without Don, I feel like I’ve reached a turning point and am slowly accepting that he really is gone from this life. I am at peace with it more often than not. Yes, I still have times of deep grief, but they are further apart now. My love for him is as strong as ever, as is my resolve to honor him throughout the rest of my life, looking forward to the time we can be rejoined for eternity. But, I am able to look forward to the experience of becoming a stronger, more independent woman who is able to help others, rather than be a burden. I’m seeing life as an ‘interesting experience’ from here to the end, rather than something to have to endure. I’m ready for it to end whenever our Creator wants to take me home, but I’ll enjoy the ride as much as I can, for as long as it lasts. Having a place like this to write my thoughts helps…. thanks for being willing to share your thoughts, too. God bless you all.
Hallo Ladies, I’m new on this web page. My one and only love of my life died on the 5th of December 2009 of cardiac arrest myocardial infarction he was only 37 years old. In December I had to face the heart attack, his death, his birthday, his funeral, his crimation, christmas and new year all in one month. Two years ago I was 6 months pregnant and we had to terminate our pregnancy due to complications. We were going to start a family this year which obviously is not going to happen. So many of you are so blessed to have children I never got that chance and I wanted a child with him so badly. It just doesnt make sence to me why at such a young age he had to be taken away from me. I’m completely lost without him he did absolutely everything for me I never had to ask my husband to do things he just did it. I miss him so much people say time heal, but time for me just gets worse.
Thanks for the nice comments on my Mike. My darling Doodles. I have some more videos up on there. Tributes to him with pics set to oldies or gospel music. And other vids too like of places we went etc and events we went to. So sorry about ya’ll hubbys passings. The only reason I don’t cry every day or minute is cuz I am in shock and don’t believe he is gone. I now have to go the church valentines banquet without him. It hurts seeing the valentines ads on tv. Even the ones for roses even tho I never had him get me roses cuz I told him they would just die & I’d rather have something that lasted like clothes. So I’d have him get me some clothes I wanted. He used to get me candy before I became diabetic. I think I still have a rose made out of a beach shell he got me at the beach once. I saw it and comment I loved it but wouldn’t but it for myself cuz it was something a hubby would get a wife. He got it for me bless his heart. Oh how I miss him. I cried over him earlier looking at pics of him I miss him so…
Good Morning Folks,
Talk about being dizzy, lost in space, time-warp….having trouble remembering things….it is because us, wives that went thru a very dramatic emtional and physical loss. I am in one of those moods this morning. I am selling my house and I need to remember something, but for the life of me, I cannot. I thought it was 15 years ago, but is is only 5 years ago. I feel like I cannot handle too much pressure and stress. I am in a different time zone and world. I do not think that I will be the same as I was at one time. I am working on “Being better than I used to be”!
I started to cry. I thought I had it under control, but I am still very sensitive. I pray and hope to God, that my mind will be alright one day again.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Joanie, welcome to the site. You will find a lot of support here, even if you need to get out some horrible emotions like anger.
I’m like yourself. I never got the chance to have a baby with my husband, but I think if we had, then dealing with his illness would have been so much harder for both of us.
Take heart, my sweet, you have had to deal with such a lot over the past 8 weeks, you are only at the start of this chapter of your life. We all grief in different ways and we all take as much time as we need to cope (not get over, because we probably will never get over the loss of our other halves).
Stay as strong as you can, and if you are having a bad day let us know about it, we will help you through, as we all do for each other. Life will resume, but only at your pace. Don’t feel pressurised in to doing things from friends or family, but don’t get stuck in December. Your husband will have wanted you to get on with your life.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi Joanie, Welcome! My husband died Dec. 19th of the same thing your hubby did. Some days I feel like I just want to stay in bed and cry and cry. We were married 25 years last June and he was only 52 when he died. It is so hard and “raw” yet. I have had some people actually say to me, “it’s been 6 weeks I thought the kids would be better by now” (we have 4 kids together). I have to wonder if it is just a total lack of emotional intelligence or they don’t want to feel bad and hate it see all of us feeling sad so they don’t have to feel anything. I go to bed each night and think I wish time would fly so I could be with him. We had a wonderful relationship and did everything together or as a family. Missing him is an understatement. Do you find the little things sneak up on you? God Bless, Lori
Lori
I feel the same way you do! I love sleep but am so sad upon awakening:-( I forget and have to grieve all over again and remind myself Steven is gone from this earth. One thing that amazes me is people think that you or your kids can just “get over” the sadness and resume life as it was. What are they thinking? Have they never loved anyone so deeply that they don’t know the sorrow that goes with the profound loss of a loved one/soulmate? OR Are they just afraid of facing the fact that tommorow may never come, they are not ready, and think they are immortal and don’t have to think about death because they are never going to die? I have ran accross all scenarious and this is the part of the grieving process that amazes me the most. Most people just don’t want to think about dying, I understand that, but our time on earth here is so short compared to what God has in store for us with the gift of everlasting life upon our earthly death. We are all dying, it is just a matter of when. If people can’t face the fact that sudden and unexpected death is a fact of earthly life, they are living on a planet other than Earth I have been living on. I guess all we can do is pray for the ignorance because they either have never loved deeply, have no compassion or have not yet become wise to the pain of grief we feel every waking moment. I can say I am not afraid to pass from this earth because I know Heaven awaits me. I will be honest though I am afraid to suffer, and one never knows how we will pass so I need to work on that. Ok Here goes another 40 years of the same prayer before Bed: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my Soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my Soul to take. Goodnight & God Bless
Denise/Lori, here, here.
I find everything you’ve said (sorry apart from your faith statements, sorry), to be so true. Some people don’t get it or have been brought up “to just get on with it”. I’m trying to get on with it, but I find the loss of my mum and husband has turned me into a frightened wee lassie when it comes to my Dad. I’m scared to call him, in case he doesn’t answer, as he is unwell (thankfully just his heart, confirmed that he has an infection regarding his water works), but it sends a chill through me thinking that something might happen to him. Lossing mum and Martin so close together I wonder if lossing my Dad might push me over the edge.
I am on anti depressants, Although it’s only been a few weeks and they’ve not had a chance to kick in properly, I know that I’ll need them for the rest of this year for sure. I’m a very strong person, probably the strongest anyone will meet, but I don’t deny the fact that I need this help to get me through the days. I returned to work this week on what they call a phased return. I missed my work most whilst looking after Martin, and although I should feel guilty at how much pleasure its giving me, I don’t. Martin knew how much I loved my job, and although he probably would have liked me to try something different, I know in my heart that he would be happy, because I’m happy. Everyone I’ve met at work that hadn’t heard my knews have been great. They haven’t been judgemental towards me (i.e. are you sure you want to come back this soon), as most of them know what kind of person I am. I’ve kept my black sense of humor so tend to make a joke of things, letting everyone know that I’m single and back on the market, although not sure what I’d do if someone asked me out. Sometimes it’s just all talk. I miss Martin so much I find it hard to go to bed at night and most nights I find myself falling asleep on the couch. When I do go to bed I have strange dreams, never about Martin or Mum.
I know things will never be normal again, and I know that in my professional life I’m so in control and organised, that in my personal life I need a man, someone who will tell me what to do. I don’t mean a man to control me, but one that will keep me on track. Martin did this for me although I was in control of the finances, and daily household things, he kept me focused on other things and I liked him to take charge in the bedroom. He was my only relationship, and I always thought he would be my one and only relationship, but you never know what is around the corner, do you ladies?
I now find that I can do whatever I want. If I don’t want to go home after work, but go out, see friends or even stay late, I can. A whole new world has opened up for me and it’s up to me to take advantage of that and start doing things I want to do for me. Like Martin said, promise me you’ll come first after I die, you do far too much for others and it’s time to think of yourself first. I am going to try and put myself first, but as someone he gets immense pleasure out of helping others this could be a hard task to achieve.
Well ladies, I’ve rambled on long enough.
Stay strong.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi everybody,
Happy Birthday Jeanne. Capicorns are down to earth people.
I was thinking about the song “Slip and Slide”. That is what I am doing. Barry’s two year mark was January 26th. I came down with a serious cold which I have been fighting this past week. It is funny how I came down with the cold. My subconcious mind and my body are still grieving. I have to acknowledge it. I do miss my Barry so much. I just have to pick myself up and keep going.
As to my mind and memory lost, I can only proceed on with my life at this point on. I am not going to fight so hard to get my memory back. I only have memories of Barry…our lives together…the happiness and love that we have. That is all I need to remember. If the rest of the memories comes back a bit at a time, so be it.
Thank you all for listening.
Mary
Thanks for the birthday greetings, Mary. I know what you mean about ’slip and slide.’ One day I’ll feel strong and ready to tackle the world, and then the next day all I want to do is just quietly and quickly (and, like Denise, without suffering) slip into ‘real life’…. the one with our Creator, and now my Don.
I talk to Mike every day and wave hi to him up in heaven. I love him very dearly. I am so heart broken even in tears right now. But I am in such shock that I don’t cry every day. I don’t believe my baby is gone. I just know I could not survive without him so how I have survived nearly a yr without him I’ll never know. I think I am in such shock and denial, I will never ever get over it. I want him back so bad. They have to let him come on back home cuz I need him worse than heaven does. I better get back to bed before I cry myself to death. It’s good to vent on here…
I am now looking a pics of him I uploaded to Webshots. I better get back to bed. I loved looking at my darling baby…
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