The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Oh yeah. Forgot to mention that I came down to Nag Head, NC with my folks for a week. Should be fun but I miss Mike so much…
What a Beatiful Post Cheryl – Thanks for sharing and also the picture of the rainbow. I am certain Mike sent you that Rainbow!!
The rainbow is beautiful. The night of Gary’s viewing, I am told, although unfortunately I did not see it, there was an extraordinary rainbow that literally appeared directly over the church during the viewing. I wish I could have seen it. Rainbows have always been God’s sign that things will be ok. Although I still don’t know how.
This morning I woke up feeling “normal.” So normal, in fact that I actually had the thought, “Thank God that nightmare is finally over.” But, of course in only a few more seconds I realized that it was not a nightmare, and it will never be over. I know some would say that I was blessed to have even a moment of feeling normal again. But I do not feel grateful. I don’t want to hear people tell me that I will get through this. And, I REALLY hate when people tell me about themselves or someone they know who was “lucky enough” to find love again. That actually offends me. I will never love again. I will never date again. I unfortunately used to joke that being married taught me that I really did not need a man in my life. As awful as that makes me feel now, there still is some truth to it. I do not need a man in my life… I only needed Gary. Even all of the books on grief that I cannot stop reading ALWAYS talk about “getting out there again.” WHY? I am not saying it is wrong if that is what you want or need. But they make it seem like it is expected and almost a requirement. That is not me. I am living the rest of my life waiting for the day that I can be reunited with my Love. I must live my life, and I must find a way to do so gracefully for my children. I will live for and with my children with my husband, their father, by our sides in spirit always.
I am sounding a little preachy, so I will stop now. This site is such a source of comfort to me.
Thank you,
Lisa
It’s been 10 months since my Roy left this world. I am sure he is with us in spirit, my self and our two kids. Some days I feel I can go through, but sometimes I can’t. I just want to desperately be with him. I feel that this can’t be real. I pray I will wake up from this nightmare. If god is planning to keep me longer in this world, I can’t figure how I can cope. It is torture taking kids out, shopping, going to kids’ school events. I love you Royya!! Waiting to join you!!
Thank you for allowing me to ramble.
It was so swwet of Mike to send me the rainbow. I can relate to what you guys are saying. I still can’t & never will believe Mike is gone. It is a bd nightmare. Reading about Roy reminds me that Mikes real name was Roy Michael but everyone called him Roy…
Hi Everyone
This weekend was hard at the Pumpkin Farm, the first time without Steven. My daughter misses him so much and so do I. I kept picturing his face sticking through the painted displays as he loved to be a Funny Dad- always acting like a kid at heart – he was so much fun!
I also do not plan (or want) another man in my life and I do not like when people suggest this either. Everyone just as soon try to make me forget about Steven and change the subject if we bring up his name. It IS offensive to me as well and I just wanted you to know your feelings are understood (at least by me). The word NEVER is a very emotional word. So can I say I choose to not love again-YES I CAN. Can I say that I will NEVER love again-No. Only God can truly use the word NEVER. We all have learned alot- what to say and what not to say to someone who has had the Love of their Life pass on to eternal life. So we have learned from this and are able to help eachother. Grief is a long and painful journey and none of us like it, want it, in fact I can say we despise the position we are in- AND THAT IS OK. Don’t let anyone tell you how you feel, you have suffered more than you have ever suffered in your life for we have broken hearts and shattered dreams of our earthly existence. Try to do something nice for yourself, allow to feel some joy at least just a little every day. The joy could come from a card, letter or even flipping through a picture book of your loved one. Memories need to be re-lived so they do not fade away. You can begin to journal good memories while they are still fresh in your mind. Even writing to your loved one here and there is good for you because they re-inforce a love that will NEVER die-ever- for this is written. If tears could build a stairway I could walk right up to heaven and bring Steven back my love for him endures. I pray to God to prove to the world he can do anything, and to bring Steven back to earth to prove to the Non-Believers that God exists. However, I know that it is more more likely that we both will be re-united in Heaven as it has been written.
Anyways I better get ready for the work week- what a struggle! I have to break days down to hours and just be thankful if I can get through an hour at a time. We are paying a HUGE price right now, for what we are experiencing is the cost of Loving someone, and continuing to love someone. I beleieve that those who have been blessed with True Love will suffer the most, so know that you are blessed to have true love in your life. This is not PAST tense, for your love will grow until you meet again. Love does not stop, it does not go backwards, it grows every day and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You need to correct people when they talk about your love one in “past tense” for they are still will with you- Always and Forever- Heart and Soul – God Bless- Denise
Thank you Denise:
Your entry is very comforting. I have just had a 9 day visit from my adopted Son and while it was great that he did so much to help me by fixing things, teaching me things about different items around the house, etc., I must say, it is great to be quiet in the house again. That is such a confusing statement because I feel so darn lonely without my sweet Larry and my Mama. There is a Google Earth link that allows you to zoom in nearly anywhere in the world. It has been upgraded to instead of allowing only aerial views, you can now view as though driving down the street and see, for example, houses you previously lived in. Anyway, my Son entered an address where I last live with my Mom and Dad and also temporarily with my Husband. It showed the area where that house and several others were gone and high-rise construction under way. I saw that and completely broke down. I feel I cannot go anywhere because everything has been or is being taken away in the name of progress. I can’t seem to even go into restaurants or movies because I don’t have my Larry’s hand to hold onto. I want to turn around and see him behind me typing away on his own computer which is still up and running. I keep the e-mails cleaned out of his computer and cannot bear to take him off because there seems to be a feeling of connection there. I like listening to opera occasionally ( I love all kinds of music including bagpipes) and have, as a result of an e-mail being sent to me found three 14 year old opera singers who are in Italy. THEY ARE TERRIFIC. When I am down, I find much comfort through their wonderful voices. I can’t understand what they are saying but their emotion and body language works for me. I still think about pills that are in the cupboard which Larry took for sleep and depression. I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about going to sleep and not waking up. My religion and God do not condone such ideas, but still, it seems like nothing matters right now. The days and tears are long and regularly draining. I don’t seem to be able to move from point A to point B without staggering. I fell off a ladder a couple days before my Son came and gave myself a black eye and a skinned shin. I felt like I had to explain this to nearly everyone I encountered so they wouldn’t think he hit me. I have been falling quite a bit lately and I know it is because I am so racked with emotion, lonliness and only sleeping approximately 3 hours per night. Last night, I went to bed at 9:00 p.m. and got up at 7:00 a.m. I feel better after much needed sleep. I know it has been 8 months since my Sweet Darling passed out of his body, but I agree, it seems like yesterday. Larry went through so much in the hospital and because I was with him through it all I didn’t want to only remember those visions. Before he was cremated, my Son and I had a private viewing. I am greatful we did that because now when I have the other visions, I can quickly change that to seeing him so young looking because they worked with him at the mortuary and did a beautiful job to make him look so peaceful. I kissed him over and over and keep telling him how much I love him and how greatful I am to him and for him. I love you my Darling Husband and I am looking forward to being with you. I do not believe in death. Because of that, I don’t believe in the statement “till death do you part.” Therefore, I am still married and continue to wear my rings. Thank you for allowing me to use this site to express. While it feels good to do so, I still don’t know what to do with all this time and space. I really tired of hearing, as others have said, it takes time, get over it, get out and meet people, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do somethin about it, etc. It is almost dangerous because I don’t want to be here anymore. With that said, I will stop for now. Thank you for being there everybody.
Dear Terre, I’m so sorry you are hurting as you are. I read more than I write here, but sometimes I just wish I could do something helpful. I don’t have great words like so many others do. I just want to ask you to hang in there Terre. If you believe like I do, you know Larry would be broken hearted to see you so sad. I know you can’t help it. None of us can. It’s just so very hard to go on. Feeling alone, no matter how many people are around. Feeling as if you are fragmented and just can’t function properly. Care about yourself. Look for what he saw in you and hold on tight to that. There are so many things to miss of the one we planned to be with forever. But, we are stuck here and we have to find a way to make it bearable, to make it count for something. Give yourself time. Don’t worry about what others think you should be doing, saying or feeling. Try to find one thing to care about each day. Look for one blessing each day. Just one day at a time. God bless you. Mary
Hi Everybody,
I read all the comments all the time. It has been a year and nine months, since my sweet Barry went away. It has been a long hard road and struggle. I get so lonely at times, because I come home and nobody is there except my little doggie. I talk to my doggie. His name is Yoda. Sometimes, I talk to myself and Barry. But as time goes by, it does get a little easier. I have been working hard on myself. I try not be lost in space somewhere. I am trying to regain control. I still miss my Barry. I do not think that would ever go away. He and I were soulmates from so many lifetimes. We will find each other again. I have the faith.
I have found a spiritual center of Universal Beliefs. I found a place where I can belong and share. I am not alone. I have been taking courses in Ministry I for a year now. We study about all belief systems. We are all the same. No differences at all. No matter what names we put to the belief system. I will be ordained as an Assistant Minister. I am into the fifth month of my Ministry II course. This will give me the title of Associate Minister. Then, after the third year, I will be a Senior Minister. I have worked for an Assisted Living Facility for the past 24 years. My heart went out to them. I am a Chef. I decided to stay and see what a difference I can make in their lives and they can smile. I am extending myself out to them next year, by forming my own Sacred Circle at the facility. They can share and find closures. We are all OK. We can be a whole being. I am feeding their bodies to comfort them. Now, I am comforting their spirits and their minds. My Barry is a Reverend. I saw him as he saw me. We would have done some great work together. So, now I am carrying on. Have Faith, everybody. It is OK.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Mary: Thank you so much for your wisdom. I know you are very right in what you say, but I can’t seem to hang onto the will to go on. I know I must, but I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I cry every day and sometimes wake up crying. I take care of the yard chorse more because of the fact Larry loved it so rather than my really wanting to put my heart into it. Whenever I think I shoud take my pictures down and put them in a safe place, it isn’t more than a few minutes and they are all back where they were. There was much stress during the 9 day visit from my Son and when he left, I felt like I had to start all over again. I do find some solitude in my home, more so than anywhere else, but for so many years, that has been with my Larry….44 years….now that he is gone in the physical sence, I feel like I am absolute losing it. I just plain don’t want to go on anymore. I feel like I am letting him and myself down, but I just don’t seem to have what it takes to keep my head up. I took my Son to the shuttle to begin his journey home on Sunday. After he left, I complete broke down in front of a woman I have never seen before. She was very nice, but I feel like an absolute idiot. I feel so lost and desparate. God, how I want to go home.
Terre,
You work hard on the yard because that’s what Larry did. That’s okay. That’s how it may be for awhile. At least you are doing something. The same thing happened to me when my son stayed with me for a bit. When he left it may have been one of my worst breakdowns. Keep the pictures up if you want. If you have never given yourself a “break” in your life, now is the time. Don’t be hard on yourself. Larry loved you for a reason, try to love yourself as he did because he would want you to take care of yourself. Care about something, even if it is only because he cared about it. My husband had power tools and woodworking projects. I had never touched any of it. I picked up those tools and learned how to use every one them, not because it was my thing, but because it was his. It helped. I found a diagram he made of a porch he was going to put on our house. I showed it to a carpenter and had it built. All you can do is try Terre. Try for Larry your loved ones and Larry if you have to and one day you will try for yourself too. Just don’t withdraw completely. E-mail me if you like. MaireeW@yahoo.com.
Take care Terre. You will never be the same, but you will find a way to go on because, as Christians, we must. Hugs Mary
Dear loved ones here -
I am so encouraged that some of you are staying in now that you are starting to recover a little. Like Mary.
It is so important to reach back to the ones here who are still in such intolerable pain.
Please keep it up.
Today I got this on another article and I thought it was so beautiful I should share it here.
A wise woman, a Carmelite nun inspired by St. Augustine, sent this to me when my husband died and said that my husband might say these words to me.
Death is naught
I have only passed to the other side.
I am me. You are you.
That which we were for each other, we are still.
Give me the name you have always given me.
Speak to me as you have always done.
Don’t use a different tone.
Don’t adopt a sad or solemn air.
Continue laughing at things
we laughed at together.
Pray, smile, think of me, pray with me.
Let my name be spoken at home
as it always has been -
Without emphasis of any kind,
or trace of a shadow.
Life still means what it meant.
It is that which it has always been.
The thread has not been cut.
Why would I be out of your thoughts?
Simply because I am out of your sight?
I am not far, just on the other side of the path.
You see, everything is fine.
You will rediscover my heart.
In it, you will rediscover pure tenderness…
(I love you. I always will.)
Blessings and peace be with you, dear heart.
Thank you so much Corrine, this is so beautiful. It is also giving a lot of encouragement, and reminding that our husbands are with us and one day we can join them.
May god bless you all!!
I’ve been out of town, visiting friends and relatives, and functioned fairly well while gone. When I came home it was like my Don had just died, the grief was so fresh and intense. It’s taken me three days to feel ‘balanced’ again. Makes me wonder if I should go away on trips!
Thanks to all of you who express your intent to stay true to your husbands. It is such a relief to read that others feel the same as I, since so much in this society seems to be against devotion for eternity. Actually, this society works against devotion for a lifetime, so I shouldn’t be surprised that most people don’t understand eternal devotion.
Blessings to all of you.
Jeanine
The poem is so beautiful. I have saved it, and printed it, and read over it several times a day. I puts in to words my beliefs and how I hope and pray things truly are.
Today is my Gary’s 43rd birthday. I can’t believe he’s not here. I am taking the children to the masaleaum (sp?) after school for the first time for them. I am so scared. I need him so. I dreamt about him for the first time in weeks last night, and I am so thankful for that. I have to believe he is right here with me. It is the only way I can get through this.
Lisa you will be in our prayers today on your Husbands Birthday. We know it will be painful for you and your family to not be able to “see” him, but know he is always with you Heart & Soul.
Hi all,
I’m thinking that this is a good place to post some of my thoughts about life and death. First of all, you need to know that I believe in the basics from God’s Word, AKA the Bible: God, who is three in one: Father, our creator; Jesus our Savior; and Holy Spirit, our comforter and helper. I also believe that many aspects of various religions are gifts from God, often misused and distorted. For example, I am now taking Tai Chi (which some view as a ‘religion’) and believe that what is referred to as the ‘intrinsic energy’ of chi and ‘reaching a higher level’ are concepts that can be found in God’s Word, too. I’m telling you all this because I don’t want anyone to confuse me with a ‘New Age’ person. I guess I could be called a ‘Christian mystic,’ though.
Now about dimensions: Since I believe that ‘with God all things are possible,’ and I know scientists have identified at least 15 dimensions in our universe, then I think it is highly possible that we and our loved ones are living alternative realities in other dimensions. In other words, there may be a dimension where my Don (who died from pancreatic cancer in June 2008) is living as a widower, and another dimension where both of us are continuing to live together as man and wife. What would be the purpose of such a thing? Perhaps the same purpose as the dimension/reality we are presently in……. to prepare us for the existence we will have when Jesus returns and eventually establishes what He has been working toward for all of time as we know it. To teach and shape us, so we are ready for to handle what He has planned for us, whatever that is. When we finally get there (what God’s Word calls heaven,) all the parts of us that are spread across the dimensions will come together as one, and we will have the lessons learned from all the existences we’ve experienced.
I could go on with more thoughts along this line, but this may already more than some of you want. So, I’ll stop now, and wait for your comments. If no one wants to comment, that is fine. Thanks for the opportunity to put my thoughts into writing, with the hope of someone actually reading them!
Jeanine
How, oh how does anyone get through this? It has been a trmendously difficult week. Gary’s birthday on Friday. Then Halloween, – which was his favorite holiday with the kids. He always managed the jack-o-lanterns, trick or treating, coordinating costumes, and was so good at it. Then, Sunday was All Saint’s Day at church, where my son ended up being the alcholyte lighting the memorial candles as they apoke the names that those members who passed this year. It was so hard to watch. I know it was a beautiful and fitting tribute to his father – and he was so brave and mature. I was the one who could barely stay in the pew becausse I was shaking so much.
The other day, one of the newpaper articles was on the “improtance of the cnesus.” I literally almost fell over from the grief I felt over realizing I would have to tell census takers that there was now only 4 members in the household.
Today the kids were horsing around outside, and broke a wooden bench we have on the patio. That also caused me to break into tears. I just can’t do it all. Everyone wants to help, but I feel like I need help breathing.
How can we go on with half a soul?
Oh how I understand you Lisa. It is so difficult to tell the number of members in the family to any institution. I always include my loving husband’s name in any greeting, birthday card that I send. I do not know what the receiver think of me, but I don’t want to change what I have been doing for years. I don’t know whether it is wrong. Anyway I know his good wishes are always there to his family and friends. My husband’s birthday falls on 21st December. I am dreading so much. I don’t know what I will do. I remember all the funny things he would do before cutting the cake or when we wish him. He is a very funny loving person. Whoever comes home will never go out without a good laugh. He is so so adorable.
May god bless you all!
Lisa
This weekend was overwhelming for you. I experienced the same feelings at Halloween as that was Dads Holiday, then on to Church both Sat/Sun with pictorial Memorials of our dear Steven. It was like opening wounds. The snapshots of the lives of those passed this last year had pictures projected in movie theatre style showing everyone who was 70-100 years old (it showed date of birth/passing date) and included pictures when they were young and old. And then Dear Steven who is 49 pictured with his 9 year old looking so young and healthy- NO FAIR- I was not the only one gasping for air and shedding tears. A wake up call to everyone- that NO One is promised waking up in the morning! Sudden death/cardiac arrest can happen to anyone, at any age- so everyone really needs to start accepting the reality of death while we are alive (including us) and live each day as if it were our last on Earth. I mean not just say it ..but actually program your mind of this reality. I would have been better prepared if I thought this way because I never even let my wind wander down that “what if” path. I always thought Steve and I would live to grow old together, so I was in shock at the reality of it all- one day healthy and vibrant and the next day GONE. I’m not saying suffering a drawn out illness before death is any easier – but at least you have time to prepare for death, a time to say goodbye and I love you. So why can’t I consider a father in his 40′s with young children a full life- because its not-no Fair. But I have to trust Gods plan. He was perfected in a sense or had suffered on Earth enough ( as God viewed it) and they were chosen. We are left here to become more perfected- and Yes the Good do die young (sometimes even children). Dying young and receiving eternal life is not a punishment-but a reward. The only grieving that is done is those left behind, those who passed to Heaven are not grieving- we need to remind ourself of that!
Now I could not imagine how you could have the first Birthday without you Gary wrapped up with the emotion of Halloween and All Saints day! I am so proud of you for posting and getting through this. You know my 9 year old sobs every night, it breaks my heart! So hard to comfort your children when your heart and soul are mourning and grief stricken. She is the only one in her class without a Dad and she misses him and wants him back so badly. You will start to feel the power of the Holy spirit working in you and you will find acceptance and peace-we just do not know the timetable for this- God Bless and have Faith.
Jeanine- I read your post and no one really knows what happens, However, there are so many people who have clinically died and been “brought back” by artificial means, and lived through the coma/ cardiac arrest to come back and tell about their Near Death Experience (NDE). I do not believe there are thousands of people lying- they have nothing to gain by this and many of them are Pastors and religious figures. YOUR STATEMENT “I think it is highly possible that we and our loved ones are living alternative realities in other dimensions.” I never really considered this but I am open minded. Born and raised Catholic and converted to Lutheran I believe that God brings us to together and in many cases the different denominations of religion bring us apart, so this forum is not meant to promote any one religion or belief. I think some may feel uncomfortable approaching mystic beliefs for these reasons, but I am glad you expressed your feelings and possibilities of belief. What you feel in your heart no one can take away.
Have a Good week everyone!
GriefShare for Everyone!
“God wants you to pour out your emotions to Him: “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:8). He also directs you to share your emotions with others: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). O God, I know that You want me to release my emotions to You and to others. Give me the opportunity and the courage to do that. Uncork my bottled emotions so my healing can continue. “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’” (Isaiah 55:8-9).
Holy God, teach me to grieve wisely, knowing that You truly understand my hurts and my needs and knowing that Your way for me is far better than society’s expectations of me. Amen.
For more information about GriefShare, including how to sign up for these daily emails, please visit http://www.griefshare.org/
God Bless- Denise
Thanks, Denise, for your response. I know that we are not supposed to write about specific religious beliefs on these forums, but it is difficult for me to talk about how I’m coping with my Don’s death without talking about my faith, since they are interwoven together.
On a non-mystical or faith-based note: Are others finding that coming back from trips throws you into a turmoil that is very similar to what it was like shortly after your loved one died? It has been over 16 months since my Don died from pancreatic cancer, and most the time I am fairly well ‘balanced.’ By that I mean I can function relatively contentedly from day-to-day, even though I am always longing for Don. However, after I’ve been away visiting friends and/or family for a couple of days, I find myself in an emotional upheaval and unable to function well for two or three days. It makes me feel like I don’t want to ever break my daily routine, if that is what happens, yet I know I need to get out and do different activities. Is anyone else having a similar problem?
I have not gone on a trip yet, but I can tell you that every time I open the garage door and see his car, my heart skips a beat, and for a millsecond I think “oh good! Gary’s home!” EVERY time. Every day. Usually several times a day. And then the sucker punch to the stomach feeling as reality hits once again.
One year ago today we arrived at Disney World with the kids for a wonderful week long vacation. Today, on the one year anniversay of that wonderful time, I took my 3 children to a lab to get all of them EKG’s to rule out any hereditary risk for arrythmia. It is just unimaginable, even as I am living it.
When I go away from home for a few days I usually drive myself. That time alone in the car does throw me into a depression. I don’t know if it is that the trip has broken the new routine that I am trying to establish or that my late husband and I often took such trips. Either way…I usually drive home in tears.
At first I would cry all the way home from a trip …. now I cry only part of the way.
I had a sucker punch to my gut this afternoon, when I saw a guy who looked very much like my Don. It was the first time that has happened, and it knocked me for a loop. I had to sit in my car awhile, catching my breath and calming myself. A second look showed me that he didn’t really look like Don, but that first impression took the wind out of me. Has anyone else had an experience like that?
Thanks for the GriefShare quote, Denise. I get them via email, and they are great.
I was driving home Monday from my work and I saw a Man walking down the road. He was my Stevens height and weight and haircolor/style. He wore the same jeans and jacket but was walking in the opposite direction so I could only see the back of him. As I drove by you better believe I slowed the car and looked back, only to find his face did not match. It is crazy-for a minute I was excited that a miracle had happened, and then I became very sad and started crying. So Yes this happened to me only one time since the 88 days he has been gone.
Tonight I go to a memorial at the Hospital where he was brought by ambulance and we meet in the Hospital Chapel to pray for our love ones who were pronounced dead at the Hospital. I have not been there since I went to the ER following the ambulance. I was so sure they were going to save him, so as you might imagine it was horrible to be to late to say goodbye- he had already passed. It was the hardest thing in my whole life to kiss him goodbye, laying their lifeless. The cold on my lips as I kissed his forehead cut through my heart like a knife. I will never forget that pain as long as I live. Right then and there the realization that our life had changed forever. Telling my 9 year old her Father had passed when I returned home was also very painful. I had hoped at a minimum he would still be alive at least long enough for us to say goodbye. Some parts of me do not want to walk back in the hospital tonight, but other parts of me say I must as a part of healing. God Bless
How do you get the griefshare quotes via e-mail?
Terre
For more information about GriefShare, including how to sign up for these daily emails, please visit http://www.griefshare.org/
SInce I hca already brought up the Psychic thing, and someone else brought up more mystical Christian beliefs, I will share another experience I have recently had. Do any of you feel you have been “visited” by your loved ones in your dreams? Gary came to me twice very soon after he died. Once because he was concerned about my financial situation, and the other time I totally believe it was to let me know he was ok, and to give he a chance to embrace him again.
Since then, I have been reading on how to encourage these “visits” and I do not have success every night, as I would love, but he has come to me the psat two nights. It was that sucker punch feeling again, because in my dream, I saw him – first in the shadows of our hallway, and I thought oh my God he looks like Gary. And then he came into the light, and it was him. I know we talked, but I cannot remember what was said. I think I asked him something he either could not or should ot answer, because then he suddenly kind of disappeared. But later, I was another “dream” where I was outside with the kids, and I looked around the corner of the house, annd again – sucker punch feeling – because I thougtht someone who looked like Gary was there. But again it was him. Again, I cannot remember what we said to each other. I know much of this encounter was through eye contact and :looks” we gace each other – as if we could not openly talk because other people were there.
The only reason I can explain for why I strongly believe these are not “just dreams” is because of how he looks. He is COMPLETELY clear – with the emphasis on his face. there is a different light on him, around him, within him, or something. It is hard to explain.
I am so thankful for these encounters. What I have prayed for is to be able to continue a relationship with Gary in some tangible way, and I think this is probably one of the only ways available. I pray they continue and that we both become more “skilled” at it with time and practice.
Has anyone else had this experience?
Lisa
Thank you Denise. I have signed up for GriefSharing. I should receive the first offering tomorrow. Love and Blessings to you and everyone else on this site.
Dear Lisa,
I have had such experiences of seeing my dear Barry in my dreams right after he left this physical plane. We were allowed to be together. We were so happy and excited to see each other. We both jumped up and down, hugging and kissing each other. Barry came to see me with a couple of other beings. They were trying to explain to me as to why Barry left me behind. Barry apologized to me. Barry told me that his body was too sick. Then, I woke up. The dream was so real.
Then, in another month or so, Barry came to see me in my dreams. We were embracing each other. Then all of sudden I felt Barry’s hand on my toushy. I woke up suddenly, saying “Wow”!!!! I know that was very real. That was a Sunday night. I drove to work with a big ole grin on my face the next morning.
I do believe there are different planes that we can be on. We just do not understand it all the time.
Right after Barry left and I was trying to take care of his business that he left behind. I was working on his computer in the early morning hours. I heard a banging by his desk. I looked up and went back to work. The banging came again. I knew it was my Barry signaling to me. I told me that I knew, but I had to take care of things that he left behind. I spoke to him.
A few days later at the living room window by the front door, the banging came again. I told Barry that I knew he was there. He knew that I know about the different planes of existence. The banging never came back again.
I had gone to see a physic about four months after my Barry left. I was worried about him and I was grieving so much. I wanted to make sure that Barry crossed into the light. I knew he was hanging around waiting for me. Both Barry and I are very spiritual people. We met thru our spirituality. The physic told me that Barry and I have known each other for so many life times. We had made pledges and promises to each other over and over again. Talk about soulmates!!! Barry had one foot into the light, but he was hanging back. Because I love my Barry and I want him to continue on his spiritual journey, I had the physic help me to release all of the promises and vows that we made. It was like a shackle, holding him back. I told Barry to continue on and do what God wants him to do. I told Barry not to give God, such a hard time. I smile, because I know my Barry. It was the unconditional love that I carry to be able to release him. I have my faith, that we will be together again. It is the deep love that we have. I love my Barry so.
I have found my spiritual family, where I do not have to feel so alone. We all share the different beliefs systems and talk about things. I will be ordained as a Reverend in January of 2010. My Barry was a Reverend, also. I am carrying on our plans and work together. I know that Barry is walking right by my side holding my hand. Our dreams are not lost and forsaken.
I had gone to fundraising event for our Church recently. I actually danced! I finally allow a little joy and happiness to creep into the cracks of my heart.
Thank you everyone for allowing me to share this with you all.
Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dear Ones -
Thanks to you who have told us about Griefshare.
What a wonderful resource. We need all the help we can get.
But don’t abandon us over here. We need to hear how you are doing in person.
Much love,
Corinne
Gary, can you see me.? Do you know the pain I am in? I feel guilty because I think my pain is causing him pain. I am so tired. Yet sleep does not help. I feel like sinking into quicksand. Like a deep depression would be easier to live with… if I jjust stopped trying so hard to function… to exist.
I sent the children to sleep overs last night so I could have alone time. The awful thing is, I am dreading their coming home. Then I will have to function again. And I am so tired.
There is so much advise to take one moment at a time and to not think abou the future. But the future slaps me in the face constantly. How can I raise our children without him? There is no light at the end of the tunnel. there is no end to the tunnel.
Lisa been thinking about you and everyone on the site. I wish I could bring Gary back for you and your family, and my beloved Steven back to my daughter and I. There is not a single waking moment I do not think of him. I have to keep reminding myself it is the ones left behind that suffer the most, that are loved ones are in a place much better than where we are and they are not feeling the pain we are. At the same time I know my Steven never expected to die. He was sure to live to his 80′s like his mother and Father. He NEVER thought he would die and that makes me so sad because he wanted to be here- it was NOT his choice and he did not even know he was sick. So Yes I get angry at God and that is OK- God understands and forgives. I do not like Gods plan because it was not what Steven wanted, what I wanted or what my 9 year old wanted. It is what it is and one day it will all make sense to us. For now we are left to SUFFER a horible pain.
There is light at the end of the tunnel although it may not seem like it now. It is too soon, but you will get better- we will all get better with time and find Peace. No we will never be the same here on earth without our loved ones and we do not like what is left of our life. God understands this. You will be surprised where your strength comes from, and drawing from it leaves you weak, but God will give you strength to go on, to function. I will pray for you and everyone on the site. Sometimes I just think OH DARN and I get so mad. I cry, I sob, I whimper in pain like I have been stabbed. I have never felt so hopeless, empty, angry, sad, tired and depressed. I am waiting for Peace and Hope to trust Gods Plan. Peace has not come to me yet either so I know exactly how you feel. This will be the hardest thing in life, but you would not feel this way if you had not truly loved. We are paying the price for loving someone so much, something some people never experience. So even though the love on Earth with our soul mate, husband, father of our children did not last as long as we wanted, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Or is it? Sometimes I wish I had never met Steven because then I would not be in such pain. But then I would not have my beautiful child either, so I try real hard to accept.
I have to work full time and endure all of this at my 9 to 5 job. I have to pretend everything is OK and that I am fine, but inside I am suffering unbearable pain- the pain we all feel. So for now we must go on, trying to function, because that is what our husbands and God want us to do. Please stay strong and thanks for sharing your feelings. If nothing else it makes me feel “not so alone” that perhaps I’m not alone in this horrible journey of grief here on earth. God Bless and keep the FAITH.
Denise, it is so comforting to read your words! You eloquently echo my feelings and thoughts. I, too, do not like life without my Don, but am deeply thankful for my blessings…… especially the two children Don and I produced together, and their families. I’m gradually having more peaceful days now, 16 months after Don died. But, the grief still overwhelms me frequently, and Don is always on my mind and in my heart. I love him so dearly! I thank God for him constantly, and for the assurance that my future is with him and our Lord. I, also, urge everyone to KEEP THE FAITH.
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