The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Lisa- I forgot
Happy Birthday to your 14 year old stay strong on this day even though it is hard. For now our purpose is our children- just imagine how lonely it would be without them. I know it must be exhausting with 3 (especially now) but I mean it when I say you are blessed!! I hope you have some help with the children when you need it either family or friends?
Thank you Denise. I am blessed. I know that. My children are honestly and truly the only reason I get out of bed every day. It does help to know there are others like me out there. Too many. I got through xmas on numbness and adrenaline, and today I am crashing in a big way. Dreading New Years Eve. It was our special holiday. But even that does not really matter. Every day is the same. One more day to cross off the calendar. One more day closer to when I can be with him again. Sorry… too many tears now…
Dear Ones -
The holidays are almost over.
Somehow you have survived it.
I thought of all of you every single day.
Sending love and peace in the new year.
Corinne
Thanks, Corinne.
A New Year’s Prayer- God will make 2010 happy- Not by shielding you from sorrows and pain, but by strengthening you. Not by making your path easy, but by making you sturdy to travel any path. Not by taking hardships from you, but by taking fear from your heart ♥. Not by granting you unbroken sunshine, but by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows of loss. God’s Love, Peace, Hope and Joy to you for the NEW Year/Decade ahead.
Dear Norma , Jeanine and all
A blessed new year to you all, I am sorry I did not have the courage to write before. I survived the holiday. It was heart breaking to have gone to my dearest husband’s home town without him. It was heart breaking to see his parents. They never for one moment made or spoke to me in a way that he is not around. His two brothers and their family also were holidaying at the parents, they took care of my kids, took them out shopping and played with them. My kids enjoyed the holiday, It was almost an year since they went out anywhere. But I so so much missed him. I cried alone when no body was around. I will give anything away just to have him back. I wish years would run like seconds so that I could go to him soon.
Dear, dear Zulaifa, you had a hard journey over the holiday period, but you made it. You got through it, now you need to move on to the next journey.
It makes me sad to know that you are so heartbroken, you are wishing your own life away. Remember you not only have the rest of your life ahead of you, but you also have your childrens and hopefully grandchildrens ahead of you. Please don’t wish it away because one piece of you is broken. As with all wounds, time is all we have, to heal it.
We will never forget our most dearest and they will want us to move on. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, moving on is in honor of our husbands and partners, we will show them, how much more life we have left to live and experience not just for ourselves but for them too.
Much love
Normaxxx
Dearest Zulaifa,
I so know what you are feeling, as I feel the same for my husband. He has been gone from this earth for 18 months and I, like you, long to be with him because I know that is my destiny. And that gives me great joy! I also know that I have been left on this earth for a purpose, and I embrace that, too. Through constant prayer and with time I am learning the balance of eagerly anticipating my future with my husband and our Creator, while at the same time finding joy in fulfilling my purpose each day I am here. I pray the same for you.
Blessings,
Jeanine
I agree with you Jeanine. I am sorry, Norma, but I don’t think anyone is really wishing their life away. There are so many books….first and foremost the bible….where grief is addressed in full. These feelings are real and are definitely part of the process. I too want to be with my husband and will be when the time is right. We must allow each other to move through these processes as only we can do, in our own time. There is no wrong way. Nobody can tell what another should do. Please, let’s just support each other in God and the bible, plus all the other information that is out there if we need it. For anybody who may be going through the anger or denial phase, or who may or may not believe in God or the bible, what a loss. All these feelings are real and nobody can put a time stamp on them. If they weren’t real, doctors all over the world would not be advising that one should wait for no less than a year, preferrably two years, before making any decisions. God Bless You All!!!!
God and the Bible, grief and loss, wanting to be with your husband again.
Tell me this ladies, when you meet another man, to help yo get through the rest of your life and he also dies, who will you want to be with the most when your time comes? Your first husband? Your second husband?
I read these comments and it saddens me, because a lot of them say to me that you are wishing your life away. You are so caught up in your grief that you can’t see the light, whether this is the continuous of your time on earth or your faith. All I’m saying, is we can all get through this grief and come out the other end.
Keep the faith ladies, whether thats faith in a God, Jesus or yourself. Life is the most precious thing we have, lets live it for the honor of those we have lost.
Be good to each other, life is hard enough.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi Norma: God bless you. Yes, for sure, ‘God and the Bible, grief and loss, wanting to be with your husband again. And, I am so greatful I am not alone in these feelings.
Here is one lady who would like to respond to your question regarding ‘when you meet another man, to help you get through the rest of your life and he also dies, who will you want to be with the most when your time comes? I’d like to respond by asking you, why not both of them since we will all be with God?
On the contrary, Norma, I realize there is more for me to do or I would not still be here. Yes, I am caught up in my grief. But it is because of my husband’s passing that he and God both show me the light for which I give thanks daily. Rather than feel the negativity of sadness of what you have been reading on this site, for which I thank you, Corinne, if you could replace that sadness with a nice prayer of support, I for one, would thank you from the bottom of my heart. As I said before, nobody can tell another where they should or should not be in the process of grief.
Yes, we can all get through this grief and come out the other end. And, allow each other to express where they are in their grief and…. supporting each other in love does more to help than does expressing saddness over what is written.
I really like your last paragraph ‘Keep the faith ladies, whether thats faith in a God, Jesus or yourself. Life is the most precioous thing we have, lets live it for the honor of those we have lost.’ That is exactly what I and others are trying to do through God and the Bible. Tears come and go as does the pain of loss (not completely of course) but it does get better, as those who have gone through this process have told me. I look forward to the continuing peace, love and guidance of God.
Love and Light to all. Terre
Hi Everyone
I have not written in a while so I thought I would check in and see how everyone is doing? Today is one of those days where I am just plain sad and angry. Gosh I miss our beloved Steven so it has been 5 months and I still can’t believe he has left this earth it was just so sudden. Iwould give ANYTHING to have him back if even for just a day, hour or even a minute so I could have some closure and say goodbye. I also have been feeling guilty lately that maybe I could have saved him somehow and/or made him go to the doctor and they could have found a cardiac problem. Just when I think I am making progress I go backwards. He had no idea he was going leave us and that makes me sooo sad!!! I also had no idea and that makes me so sad because I never even got to say goodbye. I am pretty sure he could not hear me when the paramedics arrived even though he was still alive. It is not like I wanted him to be sick …but at least I could prepare for his departure. Just another normal day and then suddenly he is GONE. I will never be the same. Why did this happen it just seems so unfair that I could not have at least told him I loved him- is that too much to ask? He was only 49 and we needed him our daughter is only 9. I know one day it will be revealed to me but I want to know now. Blessings to Everyone.
Anyways
Jenny,
I was very happily married for 33 years have 4 children and he dies instantly in a car accident on the 14th Oct 09. It is so painful, he did everything and now I must do everything. I have two married children and two at home. He was a minster of religion and every time I have to go to church, it is a painful process. Help
Thank you, Norma, Terre, and Denise, for sharing you thoughts with us. We all are suffering and need to support each other.
Norma, God’s Word clearly says that our future relationships with our husbands will be different than what we had in our past, and I trust what He says. I also trust Him when He says that our future with Him (including our relationships with our husbands) will be better than anything we can imagine. I’m so thankful that I can choose to not to have to wonder about what happens if I end up with two husbands because I can choose to stick with just one. I’m quite content to do that.
Terre, I so agree with you that we each have our own grief path, and we need to respect each other in our choices about how to travel that path. Like you, I choose to travel mine with Jesus as my guide and God’s Holy Spirit as my comforter.
Denise, I’m sorry you were having one of those rough days. We all can identify with you, because we all have had them, and will have more in the future. I hope the days since then have been better.
You all are blessings to me, and I thank you for that.
Jeanine
Zita,
You must have posted while I was writing my last post. I’m so sorry about your intense pain! I was happily married for 43 years and my husband died in June 2008 after fighting pancreatic cancer for over two years, so our losses happened in a different manner, yet both of us have suffered tremendous loss. If you are up to reading, you might find comfort in a book written by a man who lost his wife, youngest daughter, and mother in a car accident: “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser. He gives great insights into how to deal with the pain of such a sudden loss.
I’m praying for you to find strength and peace.
Jeanine
I lost my husband of 25 years about 3 weeks ago. I have 4 children with him (ages 24, 21, 14, 9). I feel like Denise does–I just want him back! It was a very sudden cardiac arrest with no previous symptoms/warnings whatsoever. I cannot understand how God says he loves us but could take him away from us. How is that love?
Hi Lori, it isn’t fair. But if you have faith in your god, then don’t be too harsh on him. I don’t believe in God, so maybe I’m taking my husbands death a little easier. I don’t believe Jesus wanted him for a sunbeam, and I don’t believe that him dieing was part of Gods plan.
If you are angry with your God, that is understandable, but I’m sure he will forgive you. Your husbands heart just gave out. Probably not a lot either you or he could have done about it. He didn’t want to leave you and your children, but he didn’t get any option. My husband was handed a death sentance at diagnosis, but we did everything we could to enjoy the time we had left, but that didn’t make it any easier. He told me he was dying, 1 hour before he passed. He said he could feel it, feel himself going.
Your God still loves you, for these things are sent to try you. Lets see if she will still beleive in me if I suddenly go….. If you are a believer, your faith is always tested, by the things that don’t make any sense.
Take comfort Lorri, let your older kids look after your younger ones, and take the time you need to bring your life back into focus. Good luck over the next few weeks, you will find this site to be quite useful in sharing your grief.
Much love.
Normaxxx
So glad I ran across your post today…. I’m a 29 yr old widow with 2 small boys (ages 5 and 9). My husband died very unexpectedly in November from the H1N1 virus. For me, it hasn’t gotten any eaiser…. just different. Grief has many faces I suppose.
Thanks for sharing…. may 2010 bring peace in each of your lives.
~Amber
Lori,
Norma is so right about God loving you! God has given her a lot of wisdom, even though she doesn’t believe in Him…. more wisdom than some who claim to be His followers. I’m puzzled as to why He does that, just as I am perplexed as to why He allowed our husbands to be taken from us, and in the ways they are taken. That doesn’t ‘feel’ like love. The closest I can come to understanding it is to compare it to being a parent (perhaps that is why He calls Himself “Father?”) As a parent, there are times you must do things that your children don’t think are very ‘loving.’ But, you do them BECAUSE you love them, and know more than they do, thus you can guide them, teach them, and help shape them into what they need to become. I know from experience that it is difficult to wrap my mind around that idea, especially when the pain from being without my husband is so intense. But, it has now been a little over 18 months since my partner in life, my best friend, the man that gave me my sense of identity, has gone to be with God, and that God is helping me through each day because I trust Him. I pray for the same for you.
In Christ,
Jeanine
I am so appreciative of the warm responses and knowing there are people out there struggling with the same things I am! I am so sad and heartbroken and if it wasn’t for the kids would really have a hard time getting up in the morning and establishing a “new” normal. I heard the first 2 years are the worst does anyone have experiences they can share? Thank you so much my new friends!
Hi Lori,
I just made it thru my first two years without my Barry. After struggling with myself, I made it!
January is my birthday, my wedding anniversary and the month when my Barry went into another realm. But, I am contented and happy. I have worked so hard on myself, elevating my spirituality. I know that my Barry would be so proud of me. That is why he loved me for my strength.
It would have been so easier to give up, but it would have taken me away from my Barry. We are the ones left behind, because we still have a job to do. It is not finished yet!
I worked on healing the cracks and hole in my heart. One would be amazed why it is so, when one look deep inside of us. My Barry would want me to be whole in my spirituality. We will meet up, again. I will be in his arms. It is the unconditional love that we carry.
Carry on the faith and the spirit….
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Lori,
It’s been 18 months for me. Like Mary, my faith has helped me make it to this point. I can attest that the second year is as hard as the first, but in a different way. For me it is as though God provided me with a powerful painkiller that helped take the edge off my pain in the first year, but it was still enough to be agonizing. I can’t imagine what it would have been without God helping me! Now He is slowly reducing the painkiller so I can get used to living without it. As a result, there are sporadic times where the pain is intense, but they are offset with more times of feeling balanced and peaceful.
I hope my experience can be of some help to you.
Amber,
I’m so sorry you had to find your way to a widow’s site at such a young age. I found a great site for young widows in Ireland…. it was started by a young widow whose husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. They are very supportive, even if you don’t live in Ireland! The site is http://www.widow.ie
Blessings to you both,
Jeanine
A YEAR to get over a death? My husband died 18 years ago…I still think of him often and cry when the memories overcome me.
It will be an year on January 25 since my dearest husband passed away! It is not getting better, I miss him more, my kids miss him more. It is only getting worst. I need him desperately. I wish he would come back. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare!! I hate this new normal. I hate every bit of it. I can’t write any more I am crying so much, but it is not getting better. I am sorry, I need a place to let go.
Jenny and Zulaifa,
At first I was plagued with the world’s idea that I must “get over” my husband’s death, but now, 18 months after his death, I rejoice in the knowledge that I don’t! Through a lot of prayer and Scripture reading, I now realize that I can choose to cherish him and my memories of him while I am here because we are joined for eternity, and I will eventually be with him again. While I will always miss him and wish he were still with me, I have joy in knowing I am with him for eternity. This enables me to get on with whatever plans God has for me during the rest of my time on this earth. I pray for you to be able to have the same kind of peace and joy.
Jeanine
Those are Beautiful comforting words. spoken as if from an Earth Angel. Thanks for sharing and God Bless
Hello Everybody,
There is not getting over it. Memories and feelings are there. With a lot of spiritual work on oneself, it manages to get better toward the end of the second year for me. The pain manage to dimished. Content and happiness with oneself starts setting in, to know that I am blessed with love. Thru meditation and learnings, I am able to heal one crack and part of the hole in my heart.
I am carrying on our dreams to help others. My Barry was a Reverend after 30 years of being lost. I will be ordained as a Reverend in the Universal Belief system. We are all the same. There is only one God.
I am planning on taking a home study course with Mid West Center to learn about Anxiety, Phobias, Depression & Stress. Then, I want to take a course in Life Coaching. I hope these courses will enhance my Ministry. I do not preach. I am here to help.
I just had a small dinner party to cerebrate my birthday of Life. January is also my wedding anniversary and when my sweet Barry went into the other realm. Both mine and Barry’s friends were here to cerebrate Life!
Pray, quiet yourself and meditate. Let yourself become in tune to the Universe. Listen to the quietness. Then, one can listen to oneself. Emerge oneself into the happiness of love.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Denise, thanks for your kind words.
Mary, I agree with your general concepts, but I substitute “our Creator” for “the universe,” especially since He created the universe, and gave us His Word to use as a guide for living this life.
I applaud your goal of wanting to help people…. Best wishes to you in your studies.
Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. Some days are better than others and I actually don’t wake up crying. Some days are moment by moment and I wonder how I’m going to get through the day. I also am concerned for my 4 children–especially the younger ones (14 & 9) because they seem a bit more quiet than the older children (24 & 22). My older kids have been very supportive to me and the younger kids but they need to take care of themselves too. But everyday I wonder “why” and how can God really love us and let this happen. My faith is very challenged right now. Thank you again everyone!
Lori
My 9 year old does not want to talk either. Her Fathers sudden cardiac arrest at Age 49 in our home was just to sudden. It was a day like any other day playing with her father, going out to dinner and then with no warning he was taken from us at home while on the couch watching TV. He had no symptoms, was not sick and then suddenly gone before our very eyes. I can tell you it has been 5 months and I am still wondering what is going through her little head. She profoundly loved her father and is building a collection of Photo’s and stockpiling and cherishing and protecting everything he ever gave her. We cry together and I hold her in my arms but she never speaks. I found a brand new sweatsuit of hers balled up in a corner and hidden in her closet. I asked her why and she said that is the outfit I was wearing when Daddy died. It was indeed what she was wearing because I will never forget anything about that night. Her terror stricken face when I told her Daddy was gone after returning from the ER. If anyone else has advice I could use some to. She refuses to see a Psychologist and cries if I even mention it. As for me I sob every day asking why he was taken so suddenly and unexpectedly, why we could not have at least said goodbye. I still have faith and know one day it will be revealed to me why he wwas taken, but the journey and waiting is like I am living in Hell. Sorry I do not know how else to describe it. He just anted to live our life was not anywwhere near complete. I feel so sad because I know he had no clue his time was even close. He wwas worried about his Mother who is 84 and I know he never dreamed he would be gone before her. I ache, this pain is unbearable- and having to hold it together for the sake of our child is what keeps me sane. I feel half dead walking around in a state of shock and it has been 5 months. EVERYTHING reminds me of him – there is no escape from the pain it has shaken the very core of my soul I have never felt such profund sadness.
God Bless
Denise
Dear Denise,
It is very hard for children. I heard on TV oneday, there was a horse farm for children to come and take care of them. It had a healing effect for the children. They can speak to the horses and by taking care of the horses, they learn to get out of their own skins. I wanted to go to the horse farm myself!
Let your prayers go out to the Universe. God is there with all of his Angels and Teachers to guide and walk with us. Learn about the different Archangels and what they do. Learn about the Ascented Masters, the teachers. They have their own special gifts. All we have to do is ask. Quiet yourself down. Meditate. Open your heart and empty your mind. The Spirit will come to you with answers. The Love will flow thru you. Eventually, the pain will dimish and all you remember is the deep Love.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Ladies, talk to your children, but not like mommy, like a friend who also feels the heartache you are going through. But as you have experienced so much more in your life, you can distinguish the terrible feelings you are having, and for young children, these experiences are new. It can be a sad and confusing time for them. Feelings they have never felt before are now presenting themselves. Death brings so much more than grief. It is a learning curve that we all eventually have to go through, bringing mixed feelings and they don’t know what to do or how to react.
Good luck ladies.
Much love
Normaxxx
Oh Denise, I feel just like you do! My situation was just like you described and my 9 year old son even tried to do CPR before the paramedics arrived. It was just a “normal” day–right after lunch that is all happened. There is a day camp in the summer called Camp Good Mourning for kids and teens in my area that I am checking into for both my 9 year old and 14 year old. Has anyone had any experience with this camp? My son does express things though, my 14 year old daughter doesn’t say too much–only she has “very bad” days, “ok” days, and “good” days. I am so appreciative of this site because I know I am not alone. The 19th marked 1 month. Lori
My grandchildren attended Hospice grief sessions especially designed for children after my husband died, at the same time my daughter attended sessions for the adult children of the deceased, and I attended sessions for the spouse. My 13-yr-old grandson dropped out after the second session because he didn’t care for the format, but my 10-yr-old granddaughter benefited from the sessions. Both seem to be doing well now, 18 months later, and are able to express their sadness freely. Everyone needs to grieve in their own way… and it will be painful and difficult, no matter how it is done.
I, too, am thankful for this site, Lori, and for knowing that I am not alone.
Dear Mary (MLB)
I do so agree with your message to Denice. I too am very focused on the Ascended Masters and Beloved Archangels. I wonder, have you heard of the Saint Germain Foundation in Chicago? They are absolutely wonderful. (this is not a Catholic organization).
Love, Terre
Dear Terre,
We speak about St. Germain in our Sacred Circles quite often. I have been studying with my Pastor thru the Church of the Messiahs thru Medicine Signs here in South Florida. As you note…my Pastor uses the word Messiahs…there were many Messiahs thru the ages. We have many people from all walks of religion…we believe in the Universal Beliefs. There are no walls and divisions. We are all the same, dispite of our backgrounds. There is only one God….
Love and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dear Mary (MLB):
Thank you so much. I can truly say AMEN!
Love and Light to you as well, Terre
Thank you Jeanine, Mary, Norma and all
Your words of wisdom are comforting. I am writing the day after it is one year since god took my dearest husband. It is the 26th in this part of the world, south east asia. It has been a very painful one year, I am living on auto pilot mode. It is comforting that I am one year closer to be with him. I hope years will fly like seconds or less.
Love and Blessings
Zulaifa
I am wishing for time to go quickly, much like Zulaifa has said. Everyday I make myself get up and every evening go to bed, kiss his picture and say “I made it through another day, I hope the years go as fast as the day went by”. We all have people who care about us, but they cannot feel what we feel if they haven’t been through this. When people ask “how are you guys doing” I want to shout sometimes and say “WE ARE SAD AND HEARTBROKEN. WE CRY EVERY DAY” but I don’t because I know they are asking because they care about us. So I answer “it depends on the day–some days are better than others”. My friends complain about their husbands and get frustrated with them. I would give anything to spend 30 minutes–even 5 minutes with him again.
Any advice for my first valentine’s day without my husband?
Lori
It will be my first Valentines day without my Steven too! I plan to write Steven a Poem, light a candle next to may favorite picture of him and read it to him. I will also lay a red rose on his grave. People might laugh but I think it will help because I know he will be thinking of me on Valentines day:-) He will then know he is in my heart forever…
I met my husband on valentines day, for the first time, 16 years ago this year coming. Although it wasn’t a romantic meeting, it is a day that will stay with me forever. We didn’t celebrate Valentines Day, we didn’t really bother about cards, or gifts and did more for birthdays and anniversary. I’m going to find 24th March hard. That’s my Dads birthday and Martin’s. I’ll try to be up for my Dad, knowing that it should be Martin’s happy day too.
I don’t think everyday is taking me closer to Martin, in fact I don’t believe he is waiting for me anywhere (please don’t dwell on this ladies, but that’s my believe). I savour everyday I had with him and I feel the pain of losing him. Today was bad, sitting listening to Flower of Scotland and I just burst in to tears. It’s been 8 weeks since he passed, and 12 weeks since my Mum. I miss them both so much and now my Dad isn’t well. So ladies all of you believers, pray for my Dad, after years of putting up with my mum, its his time to live and have fun. I so want him to be alright.
Much love
Norma xxx
Hi everybody,
Celebrate Valentine’s Day at home with a quiet dinner, candles and music. Say your prayers and give thanks for your blessings to know the Love. Get a box of chocolates and some roses. Give honor to your sweetie.
I still have the dining room table marked as to where my Barry always sat.
Today was two years when my Barry went away from this earthy realm. I cried abit, but I remember the deep love that we have together. He will always be my special sweetie. We always had endearing words for each other. He told his friends about it.
With Love to All,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi everybody,
I went to the supermarket and found this on my kitchen floor. It fell off the frig. This was given to me somewhere along the last two years. I hope this will help as it has helped me thru the struggle.
Untitled
Death is naught
I have only passed to the other side.
I am me. You are you.
That which we were for each other, we are still.
Give me the name you have always given me.
Speak to me as you have always done.
Don’t use a different tone.
Don’t adopt a sad or solemn air.
Continue laughing at things
we laughed at together.
Pray, smile, think of me, pray with me.
Let my name be spoke at home
as it always has been -
Without emphasis of any kind,
or trace of a shadow.
Life still means what it meant.
It is that which it has always been.
The thread has not been cut.
Why would I be out of your thoughts?
Simply because I am out of your sight?
I am not far, just on the other side of the path.
You see, everything is fine.
You will rediscover my heart.
In it, you will rediscover pure tenderness…
(I love you. I always will.)
Blessings and peace be with you, dear heart.
It is OK to shed our tears. Light a candle and meditate.
Light and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dear Mary:
What a beautiful post. Now, I would like to share something my sweet Larry left for me to find.
To Those I Love
When I am gone, just release me,
let me go – so I can move into my
afterglow. You mustn’t tie me down
with your tears; let’s be happy
that we had so many years. I gave you
my love, you can only guess
how much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have
shown, but now it’s time I traveled on alone.
So grieve for me awhile, if grieve
you must, then let your grief be comforted
with trust. It’s only for a while that
we must part, so bless the memories within
your heart. And then, when you must
come this way alone, I’ll greet you with
a smile and a “Welcome Home”.
Love, Strength, Wisdom, Power and Healing to you all. Terre
Dear Ones -
Valentine’s Day is another hard one.
I always go out and buy myself a beautiful bunch of flowers.
I deserve it.
Both of these are very beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
God Bless all!
Lori
Can someone recommend a good book about grieving the loss of a husband? Thank you.
Lori
Thank you Terre and Mary for sharing these. They are beautiful and touches the heart. Norma your dad will be in my prayers.
Love and Blessings to all!
I also thank you for sharing! And, I am praying for your dad, Norma.
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