The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Do get help hon like she said. I got depression due to my diabetes & had to go on meds for it. Good thing cuz my depression has gotten worse since Mike went. Can’t say he died cuz I still don’t believe it. We are all here for ya. Prayers just said for you all. I miss my darling Mike very day. He was not only my hubby but my friend & I loved talking to him & doing things with him and now he’s gone. Love you Doodles…
Dear Zulaifa -
Please check back in with us and let us know how you are doing.
Dear Zulaifa,
It does not matter, how long a time that you might have with your sweet love. It can be short…and it can be long….The wonderful connection was made.
I met my soulmate in 2004 and he went away in 2008. We bought so much happiness to each other. We fitted 20 years of living into a few years.
Because of my spiritual strength, I can survive, no matter what my head thinks. It is not an easy path, but I keep our love in me. I want to be with my sweet husband so much, but if I did not allow the flow of our spirits go naturally, I would not meet up with my husband, again. I would be on a different path away from him.
I keep strong, no matter how hard it is. Our love is strong. My husband and I will find each other, again.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dear Corinne, Paula, Cheryl, Mary and All
I am so overwhelmed with the love and care you show. After all god has made sure that he conveys all these messages through the living angels like you.
Some days I am very happy that I am moving forward. I have the energy to do every thing for my kids, keep the house, do the job ( I do a work at home job) I look at my kids and am happy at the progress they make. I promise my self that I will see them through to College, Job, and also see them with their own families. But suddenly I get depressed, because my sweet husband is not there to be a part of all these. I suddenly go back ten steps may be twenty. I feel life is not worth living. I come to this site so very often, just to read and remind my self that there are so many other women going through what I am going through, and they are pulling through no matter what. I do know that if I don’t die naturally god will be very angry with me. I am so scared that I will not meet him. When I get bad thoughts I try my best to talk to my self, I talk to a friend, I talk to my sisters, his sister, his mother, we cry together on the phone they live miles away from where I live.
I live in a small country very far from the US. An island in the Indian Ocean. I feel the need to get professional help, for which I need to travel to the city. Although I talk to friends and family members I don’t tell them openly about the thoughts I get in my head, I don’t want to upset them. I know they love me and my kids so much, they visit me whenever they can. Even when there are lot of people around me, I get so very lonely. Oh! I wish I told him I loved him soo, I only had the chance to tell that I need him. I don’t know whether he heard me. He was on the floor, and wouldn’t move. His eyes were half closed. We rushed him to the hospital. All the way I was telling him to get up. I wish I told him other things, lot of other things. They pronounced him dead after entering to the hospital. I pray before going to sleep to show him in my dreams. Sometimes I see him. Sometimes I don’t. On the days I see him I get a renewed strength to pull the day. I submit to the will of god, and hope that we all meet our husbands again in the hereafter.
Zulaifa,
I’m so very happy to read that you are submitting to the will of God! For me, turning to God for guidance and strength has kept me from total destruction. My fantastic husband was my rock, my everything….. when he died, I died.
This empty shell of a person that is left here wants to go with my husband, but our Creator has other plans for now. It’s been a little over 15 months since our Lord took my husband, and I am still as eager as ever to join them in the next life. At the same time, I am submitting myself to the will of God, and He is sustaining me. I take each day as it comes, not looking much to whatever future I have left on this earth, and trying not to dwell in the past. I have no idea what God has planned for me, but I am content to just be in His hands, comforted by His assurance that ‘the best is yet to come’ : Eternity with both Him, and my husband.
I pray for His peace for all of us…. the peace that surpasses all understanding.
Dear Zulaifa -
Thank you for getting back to us. As you can see, we were all concerned for you.
I know it will be difficult for you to go to a city, but please do it. It may not be a big deal. Perhaps your family doctor can prescribe something to help you through this very difficult time.
Although you live far away from Chicago, IL in the US, I think how amazing it is that angels are not limited by time and distance.
I have no idea where our friends and angels on this site live.
But I do know that you are one of the angels who reside on this planet with us.
I have traveled in your part of the world. I even had a swim in the Indian Ocean.
I know there are social service agencies available there. Can you also check with your spiritual advisor?
Please keep in touch.
Dear Deborah
I just read through to catch up on everything and I found your post to me. It was so kind of you and I enjoyed reading every word of it-twice. Your words give me confort and I just want you to know how greatful I am. I still take Xanax when I get the panick attacks but have not started the everyday medicine- I just wake up and stare at the bottle and say not today, maybe never. I want to make sure I try everything possible before I resort to taking daily medicine, but just knowing I have the prescription makes me feel better. To know that if it gets really bad, I have another option to try. I have to focus on our 20 years together, and that I did have more time than some, and I have a beautiful child he would want me to be strong for. This helps me because I know he would want me to be strong for her. The hardest part is how it happened, staring into those eyes and watching him die. He wanted to live and I was helpless because there was nothing I could do-no warning, no time to say goodbye. I also read the Book “I wasn’t ready to say GoodBye” and it has also helped dealing with the trauma of sudden unexpected death. This is going to sound so strange, but I think I am healing because the tears are flowing and I am out of shock. I know now he is gone and not coming back to Earth. I have to face it my dreams for the future are shattered, but I must go on because that is what he would want me to do. I will see him again in Heaven and he is in a better place. I Thank God he was not alone when he died, he was in his home with my daughter and I. I Thank God he gave us that 10 day vacation together just before he left us- so many happy memories, videos and photographs. I Thank God he did not suffer for very long, I am told minutes (the way he would have wanted) only not at age 49!! I have gone out in public and back to work and it is hard like you said. I am wounded and in pain on the inside, but I put on a front on the outside, I have no choice. I do want to curl up into a ball and just die, but who would take care of his most precious gift in his life- our daughter. A daughter we thought we could never have, and then 10 years after marriage I conceived!! Something I thought we were not going to be blessed with. He loved that little girl so much. I must put my pain aside and raise that child as he would have wanted- this helps give me strength. The words I promised to him that I would take care of his little princess as I gave my last kiss goodbye on his lifeless body/forehead- after they told me they were unable to save him. I think even though he was already gone, that somehow he was looking down on me and expects me to keep that promise.
You are also right about the Family-I can’t deprive his daughter of her Fathers family so I am just going to forgive and let go of the anger.
I am so sorry about your fiance-again shattered dreams and it must be so painful for you! I am taking your advice on trying to keep busy instead of playing sad songs, watching his video’s, crying over his pictures, it only makes matters worse. I allow myself some grieving time to do this every day, and I cry very hard, but I can’t let the hours turn to days, days to weeks, weeks to months and months to years. I have to go on, and the fact is I have to go on without him. It is good to know I am not alone. I know exactly how Zulaifa feels because I found my husband the same way. Still wondering if he even knew I was there and if he could hear me screaming? I have accepted that I can’t go back and turn back time, it is NOT going to bring him back. I have also learned that physical pain does not hold a candle to emotional pain. Emotional pain of witnessing sudden death will never go away. I was actually thinking if I could get hypnotized to forget those horrifying last moments that keep flashing back- I would be able to get rid of the panic attacks. I am told I was blessed to be privileged to witness his passing, maybe in time I will feel special, for now I just ache and the replay of his death flashes through my mind dozens of times a day. Thanks so Much for all of the help- God Bless!!!
My husband died almost 4 weeks ago of sudden cardiac arrythmia/arrest at the age of 42. He dies 3 days after our 16th wedding anniversary. We have 3 beauttiful children – 13, 11, and 3. I am lost and devasted. I know I must go on for my children, but I feel like I am counting the days till I can be with him again. He was my soul mate. I don’t know how I can raise our family without him. I still keep thinking it can’t be real, and have been dreaming that it was all a dream. Only to wake up to reality that I don’t want to wake up to. I am trying to give myself to God. But I hurt so much. I am surrounded by family, friends, and neighbors, but I feel like I have never been so surrounded and so alone at the same time. After almost 4 weeks, it is not getting even a little easier.
Dear Lisa
I do know how you feel- many of us do. It is hard to trust Gods plan because it did not match your plan. God knows your husband inside and out, your husband was Gods creation. It could be God saw something up the road that was something he did not want for your husband or your family, something worse than what took his life. He loved him so much he would not allow it to happen, so he took him when he did, not too early, not to late, but he took his hand according to his plan. I know it is hard to trust Gods plan but know that God does not make mistakes. He created your husband and loved your husband. God is a loving God and he loves all of his creations. Even though it brings you tears and is very painful to lose your husband/soulmate, you have to trust Gods Plan. I lost my soulmate 8 weeks ago and have young children as well. It is hard to see old couples growing old together knowing the young kids will be without their Dad. Knowing that your dreams of growing old together on this Earth have been shattered and will not come to be. Your husband was also in his 40′s and this just does not seem fair, but know he is at peace and you will be together again someday in a place much better than where you are now. You will be able to pick up the pieces and one day at a time make it through the process of grieving and coming to terms with your loss. I know right now it sounds impossible, but God will give you strength. This is what your husband would have wanted, to go on and remain strong.
We on this site are also here to help you. Please keep in touch and let us know what you are feeling, how you are doing, and we can help you- because we understand. Your family and neighbors may try to help, buit they do not know how you feel- we do. God Bless you on this Sunday we are praying for you!
Thank you, Denise for your words. You are so right about seeing older couples. It seems every man I see, no matter what his age, I think, “Why Gary? Does this father/couple/man know how lucky he is?” IT is absolutely the hardest when I think about my children having to grow up without him. There is so much that is simply irreplaceable. Then thinking about all we will not get to do as a couple just brings me to the breaking point.
I want so much to be able to put my face through a window of Heaven to be able to see him, talk to him, touch him. I want so much to know FOR SURE that we will be together again. I just can’t bear the thought of not spending eternity with him, and some account of Heaven that I am reading say we are not together as husband and wife there. That would not be Heaven to me.
I am praying for strength. And I know He is sending it. But every day is still so long and so hard.
Dear Lisa
I know how hard it is. I am going through the same. But remember god’s promise. There is a life after here. Our husbands are waiting for us. We know only the present. Only god knows his master plan. We will get to know it one day. This may be helpful to you which I found from a blog
‘All things work for our good
though sometimes we can’t see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Lord knows what’s best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just can’t see Him,
Remember, you’re still not alone.
God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don’t understand,
When you don’t see His plan,
When you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.
He sees the Master plan.
He holds the future in His hands.
So don’t live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We see the present things,
but He sees the first and the last…’
Please be patient; God will take us only when our responsibilities in this world is over. Therefore, we need to do our best. Our husbands are counting on us to look after their children well. We cant fail them.
God Bless you all!!
That poem is beautiful. Thank you.
But I am having such a problem accepting that God takes those then their earthly repsonsibilities are over. How could God possibly think that Gary’s resonsiblities were complete at 42 with 3 young children? Peolpe tell me that God needed him for something more. but if God is infinite, what couldn’t have waited 15 or 20 more years? That would also have been too soon, but I could have accepted that a little easier, I think.
I also hear that God never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes I fear that is not true in my case. I just have no idea how to do this. I am praying for help, guidance, and acceptance. I guess it is all any of us can do.
A while ago, I went to a bereavement group. The experience turned out to be a nightmare. And…guess who was the center of the nightmare. It turned out that 911 nearly had to be involved. I won’t go into details here except to say that I met a lady while there who I called several weeks later. In our conversation, she shared with me that she had been married to her husband for 38 years. One night, he came into the bedroom at about 11:00 p.m. and kissed her and told her he loved her. He then went out to the garage, heavily locked himself in and shot himself to death. Now I know this is not a pretty story, but while it really hit me hard, it made me realise she had no warning that I know of and that she had to call the police to find out what had happened to him. She never saw him in that condition but chose instead to remember the last time he kissed her and told her he loved her. As I see it she has two major issues to deal with. This story has made me look back on my Sweet Larry’s graduation from this life with much gratitude that he had the strength to endure and I was with him when in his last words to me he repeated ‘I love you’ over and over in a whisper because he couldn’t manage more. I take the strength of my husband with me wherever I go and from morning to night. I am so greatful for his unconditional love, his patience, understanding, loyalty, sweetness, kindness and for being the most beautiful man God ever created. I give thanks to him and for him daily. I am so greatful he is free. I am so proud of him. He was a high school drop out with D’s and E’s. When I met him, his reading was limited and his drive was military oriented. One day when he was in his early 50′s he was on a roll with complaints about what he couldn’t do because of his education limitations. I must say, I had had it, and having no problem with words, I proceeded to tell him what was on my mind. Needless to say, it got his undivided attention. He marched out the door that same day. He went to the nearest college. He had a long talk with them and also proved he had gotten his GED through the military. They signed him up. It took him five years to graduate with two degrees. He wound up on the AB Honor Roll and on the Dean’s List. He is in the Who’s Who Book of Colleges and Universities. I later found out that while I knew he had a slight speech impediment, he was also dyslexic. Ask me if I am proud of my precious husband? I daily think about all the things he accomplished while dealing with so much pain and so many challenges. He quit smoking while in the middle of his exams, but unfortunately, it was too late. Thanks for reading.
Terre,
I’m sorry your bereavement group had a rough start, but I hope you don’t give up on it. The leader of the group I went to asked that everyone commit to giving it at least two tries, since the first one(s) can be really rough. I’m glad I stuck with my group. I wouldn’t say that it helped tremendously, but it did help.
I understand how Lisa feels, how could God think his work was done? To take him in his 40′s at the prime of his life, leaving behind broken hearted children. Why not 10 or 20 years from now-? I feel the exact same feelings, because I am in the exact same position. Today is the 2 month annivarsary of losing our beloved Husband/Father. Our 9 year old daughter did not sleep last night she misses her father so much, as do I. She started sobbing to me that she never got the chance to say goodbye and tell him how much she loved him. She has nightmares of listening to all of the paramedics trying frantically to save him as he lay there moaning. She was afraid to look but she heard everything and it was devastating for her. It is devasting for me because I not only have the audio replaying of everything but the visual. I was half asleep at 4am when I found him, and I watched him pass before my very eyes. There is no pain worse than the shock of trying to figure out what was happening, and within 30 minutes he was gone. The feeling of such profound helplessness. Cardiac arrithmia/Arrest is so sudden and final, very few are saved. No symptoms, no warning–No FAIR! It is normal to be angry at God but know you are not alone. I have noticed with young children their grieving process is delayed. Our 9 year old understands now (after 60 days) her Father is not coming back to earth and that she will never see him again on Earth. I assured her of her fathers love, and that she (his only child) will always be in his heart eternally. I also assured her that our love for him will never die-I will not let that happen. We CAN’T let that happen to our children! How hard it is to hurt so bad inside and on top of it have children that need to be comforted- believe me Lisa I know how you feel.
Do not try and avoid your feelings, it is OK to be angry. I have had to accept I will never be the same person I was, for I have lost the love of my life. I am Thankful for the 20 years we had together, as you can see from the posts, some people do not get that long on Earth with their soulmate, so we can’t look at those that have had “longer” we also have to look at those who have had a “shorter” time than what we had. In time I believe – that to have loved and lost, is better than to have never loved at all. You will be together again and your husband lives on in your heart, and in the hearts of his children. Please stay strong and know that your husband is there, you just can’t feel him, see him or touch him. He will be forever in your heart, love never dies. You may even find that you learn to love him more every day, more than you did when he is on Earth. Remember we are here to help you work through your pain. God Bless You ALL!!
I keep going through that awful morning in my mind. Gary was one of those guys who always fell asleep on the couch, and was there for the whole night. So I was used to him not coming to bed. My 13 year old is the early riser in the family, and it was Labor Day. At 7:00AM, he came into get me, saying “somthing is wrong with Dad – he can’t move.” I honestly had no feelings. I can’t say what I was thinking – I wasn’t. All I remember is RUNNING (and I do not usually move fast in the morning) down the stairs. He just looked asleep, and he was always a VERY deep sleeper, so I think for a split second I thought I would just be able to wake him up.
Then I realized his face was cold. He was not blue, though. I did everything wrong. I have been a health professional for over 20 years, and have been cpr certified since I was 18 years old. But it was mt 13 year old who had to say to me “shouldn’t we call 911?’ I then ran to the phone, before it hit me that I should have my son call while I tried to help Gary. I continued to do everything wrong. I gave him rescue breaths, and did not even feel for a pulse. Then it hit me that I should be doing chest compressions, and I started them on the couch – which is also wrong… too much give – you cannot get good compression. As I Was doing this, I was aware of that, but I could not bring myself to bring him down to the floor because I knew I could not bear to have my children see and hear his body thudding on the floor. I think I knew in my head that it was too late already. I could not even continue cpr continuosly. I kept screaming for Gary, kept screaming that he was cold. I woke my younger 2 children with my screams, and terrified them. MY poor oldest had to ask me to calm down because the 911 operator could not hear him due to my screaming.
somewhere along the line, my 13 and 11 year old ran next door and brought over our dear neighbor. She told me he was gone. It was obvious, I guess. Of course, when the amublances, police, and coroner arrived the news was all the same. Nothing they could have done.
He had been having what we thought were stomach pains the week before, and we were going to call for a doctor appointment after the holiday weekend. We even talked about the tragedies of people who think they have indigestion and find out it is there heart. The final cause was arrythmia caused by spasm one of his coronary arteries which had a blockage. This lead to cardio-respiratory arrest.
You are so right, Denise… no warning (although I lament constantly about the pain he was having for a week… although it was only at rest – totally not typical angina pain)… no preparation… NO FAIR.
I feel like my Life ahead of me is too long now. How can I possibly raise 3 children alone? Yet, at the same time I was reading old posts, and I am one of those women who totally feel committed to only him for eternity. There will be no other match for me. I know it in my soul. And that is what I want. But it is also such a lonely feeling.
Sorry for rambling. This is a wonderful outlet, and I am grateful to have all of you. God Bless.
I can so relate. Mike had pains in his legs earlier that nite & I had no idea at the time it was a symptom of heart trouble. I miss him so much. No one understands what I am going thru. I would give my soul to have him back. Almost 58 was too young to go. I will never marry or love again. He was the only one for me. How I wish I had called 911 first instead of trying to revive him first and then call my mom to see what to do. I still don’t believe he is gone. I will never accept it even tho I am glad that if he went he is safe in the arms of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. But here I am crying my heart out cuz I miss him so much. I want him back so bad. Mike I love you. and I miss you so much…
It seems as if he never existed but was just a good dream for 20 some yrs and now the dream is over. How I miss him so…
Lisa, your words, “I am one of those women who totally feel committed to only him for eternity. There will be no other match for me. I know it in my soul. And that is what I want. But it is also such a lonely feeling,” so eloquently express my feelings about my Don. Thank you for posting them……. it is a great comfort to know there are others who feel the same.
To all my friends here -
One of the benefits of this forum is that you get to express your feelings without any identification.
Writing is so important.
I’d like to recommend a book to all of you. You can probably get it or order it at the library or buy it used at Amazon.
It is called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron.
Not a book on grieving. But important about taking care of yourself. And especially about writing your feelings.
Hi Corinne and everybody,
I will get the book by Julia Cameron, “The Artist’s Way”. I have heard of it before. I had thought of creating a folder on my computer labelled “Barry”. That way I can write down my everyday feelings, good and bad. It would be a way to communicate for sure. I get very lonely, but I cannot even think of anyone else in my life. My intimacy was with Barry. That is the hardest part to get thru. I miss him so much. I remember his beautiful voice. I will have to watch our wedding DVD to hear his voice saying his vows to me.
I am finishing up my first year in Ministry I in November. I will be ordained as an Assistant Minister in January, I believe. I am already into the fifth month of Ministry II, that carries a title of Associate Minister. When, I finish my third year, I will be a Senior Minister.
I just want to let out some encouragements and enlightenments. I thought my/our dreams had died. But it did not. It is taking on a slightly different form. The dreams are still there.
So everybody, carry on…no matter how hard it is. Your dreams still exist, but in a little different way. Once, you clear yourself, you will see. I saw and I am so happy that, what dreams that my Barry and I had did not completely go away.
Blessings and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I write a long email but it did not post-
is anyone else having problems with the site?
Dear Denise -
My blog is fine. It’s my @$&*!*&^& Internet connection. They were doing work on Comcast on my street and it was up and down, including my cable and telephone for two days.
They told me it was also “sun spots,” whatever that is.
Sorry to have missed your comment. Please try again.
I apologize. We don’t want to miss a word you say.
Lisa/All- I wrote a long comment but it did not post due to a technical difficulty. I will try and remember what was said.
Lisa I wanted you to know the same thing happened to me. We can’t expect to function normally when we are in shock and half asleep. The thought that our husbands were passing was the furthest thing from our minds because we had no warning and I also have strong healthcare schooling/knowledge. Most recently in Neurobiology at Northwestern so I understand how the heart and the Brain work together during sleep. I also ran downstairs to the couch where my Husband was and I think he was still alive because he was making noises (but could not move his body or his eyes). I called 911 immediately and they arrived in less than 7 minutes- it did NOT make a difference so please don’t blame yourself. I am told these noises may have been agonal, either way-They could NOT save him. Less than 5% of out of hospital night time cardiac arrest patients survive. The ones that do usually have re-current attacks and the survival rate is very low. The others that make it alive to the hospital arrive with such severe Brain damage that you have to make a “decision ” whether to sustain life support. It is only a few minutes before Brain damage occurs and you would not have wanted that for your husband even if they or you could get his heart restarted!! When oxygyn is deprived to the brain (because the heart stops) unconciousness sets in – I watched this and there is little to no suffering. You see we never had to “decide” it was Gods plan to take him when he did and we have to accept that. It is nothing you or I did wrong. If the brain won’t tell the heart to beat or the lungs to breathe, there is nothing you can do to make the heart beat, there was likely damage to the autonomic part of his brain. I know it is hard because of your healthcare backround, to think you might have been able to save him, but you need to put that thought OUT of your head. It is normal to replay the events before and at the time of passing, thinking: If I had only seen the signs, If I had only made him come up to bed, If I had only checked on him sooner, If I had only made him go to the hospital or Doctor earlier “aches and pains”. This guilt is normal – but in order to heal you have to let go of the guilt. Having said that he was exactly where God wanted him to be, at home with the family he loved. He was not killed by a violent act of Murder, he did not die alone, he suffered little. I know it is hard because you never got to say goodbye, nor did I because I was too late getting downstairs. He was way past the point of saving, but when you get flashbacks of the traumatic event, or feelings of guilt, you have to replace these negative thoughts with positive ones.
I still get panic/grief attacks but they come less often. This weekend I felt strong and felt fine in the morning so I thought I would be OK going into the same store where we bought our wedding rings 20 years ago. I needed to get them appraised so they could be insured for my 9 year old daughter. I completely broke down and the grief hit me hard and came on suddenly like I was hit by a train. My 9 year old had to explain to the people in the jewelry store this happens ever since her Dad died. I could not get my breathe or stop sobbing in public- I was so embarassed!! I just have to accept it is what my body needs to do to heal- part of the process. I was OK in 30 minutes of re-programming my mind from the negative to the positive.
I hope everyone has a little better week, and it is OK to go backwards in the process, it is normal. God will give you strength and he knows we are hurting- he knows us inside and out and that are hearts are broken.
Kids at school can also be mean, one of my daughters classmates laughed when the teacher mentioned your Moms and Dads will be invited to the “event”. She said “Jessica does not have a Dad” in front of the whole class. The teacher scolded her and said Jessica DOES have a Dad, she will ALWAYS have a Dad, he is just not here on Earth where you can see him he is in HEAVEN. She is right this teacher I give her credit. She also lost her father at age 11 so she knew exactly what to say. You do have a husband, your children will always have a Father, and you can go on loving him – maybe even more now that he is gone. You never let go of Love- it lives on forever as in the Bible. Life on earth is short, you will be together again some day …FOREVER.
Keep in touch and I hope some of what I say may help someone- even if you do not agree with everything, you may find something that will help. That is what God wants us to do from this life experience- know that we can help others at a time when you feel that No One understands your pain- we understand each others pain. God Bless
Dear Denise
Thank you so much for this post. I just don’t know what else to say. This is so helpful.
God Bless All!!
Thank you for writing this. It was comforting to read a story that I can relate to. My husband was diagnosed with Heart Failure about 2 yrs ago, and I watched him die. He passed away July 13, 2009. He was only 28 years old. Toward the end a part of me felt the same as you did… just wanting it to be over, so the suffering would stop. But there was still a part of me that I guess was in denial, thinking that he was going to get a heart in time, recover, and come home. But anyways, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated you sharing your story.
-Rachael
Denise, and everyone,
Thank you for that post. It did help. I have not had a good week. I feel myself wanting to head toward denial. I keep thinking “this can’t be real, and he has to be coming back.” Just like my 3 year old keeps telling me. It seems to be getting harder. I did not expect it to get easier, but harder – well it is so hard to take.
I went to a grief counselor earlier in the week. She is nice, knowledgable (sp?) and willing to help, but afterward, my thought was “does it really do any good to sit on a stranger’s couch and cry?” I do that on my own couch. I don’t know. Thanks for listening. I hear my 3 year old getting up… gotta go.
Lisa
It does get harder because you begin to miss your loved one more as time goes by. That is only normal and part of the process. It has been 60 days and they have been the longest 60 days of my life!!
I miss him terribly …I know it is overwhelming.
You are in my prayers- keep in touch-God Bless
Denise
Hello all,
I want to share something that I do not know how you will feel about it. I know it seems many of us are spiritual and have a strong faith in God. So I hope what I write is not offensive to anyone, and some of you may just think I am crazy.
I spoke with a psychic medium today. I know all of the reaons that I should maybe not have done so – it could be a total scam, waste of $, … beleive me I thought long and hard about them all. But I do believe that there are those among us with gifts others cannot understand. Bottom line is that I decided I was not spending more than I could afford, and if it turned out to be a waste, then it would be lesson learned.
but I don’t think it was a waste. She told me so many things that were so meaningful, and I really felt like I had connected with him. I had been feeling pretty much inconsolable for days, and afterward I hard a peace that I have not felt since he died. The pain is not less. But I felt his connection. He told me things only he would have known or said.
Am I crazy??
Lisa
I know people who swear by psychic powers. Like any profession or gift there are good and bad examples (the bad is what makes people ruin the reputation of the good). Law enforcement often use psychics to solve cases and have very favorable outcomes, so you are entitled to tap into the same resource without being labeled as crazy.
I personally have not used one recently, but I did 20 years ago and they were accurate. I find many psychics to be very spiritual people. What I do know is the good ones limit readings to once every 6 months or once a year and the less they know about you the better. I worked in a restaurant where we booked appointments for Pat who was a psychic (people would travel 100 miles to get in with him based on referrals) and he would not do more than 2 readings per year per person so he really was not trying to take advantage of people financially- I know there were people who wanted to come monthly- even weekly and he just said he had tried that in the past and did not get good results if the “privilege” of his powers were abused/overused.
Who are we to judge whether or not God has given some a special gift for this ability? God gives special gifts to everyone! I am glad you found comfort and felt a connection in your heart/soul, that is all that matters. No new experience is ever a waste, do not let anyone tell you otherwise. I am glad it turned out to be a favorable experience:-)
God Bless
I took the kids out to dinner last night for the first time without their Dad. It was gut wrenching. I could barely get through it. I did not want to go, but my daughter had a volleyball game, and it was just one of those nights that it seemed like the best option. I knew it would be hard any time. My older two looked so miserable. My youngest just did his 3 year old thing, which is probably the only thing that kept me from breaking down completely.
I despise everything about this “new normal.” I don’t want a new normal, I want my old normal back. I keep picturing him here beside me in everything I do. I want it to be true, but then I wonder how much is real and how much is my imagination and wishful thinking.
Next Friday is his birthday. I don’t even know how to begin to think about it. I have plans to take the kids to the cemetary, and I bought some knick knacks to put up to honor his memory as a “present,” but I dread it so much. Plus, being the day before Halloween, it always is a trick or treat night here, so chaos abounds in the neighborhood. I can’t keep my kids from having their enjoyment of that, but it makes it even harder.
thanks for reading.
Lisa
Thanks for posting your comment for us Lisa to hear you are getting through the days. I know exactly how you feel this is the toughest thing I have experienced in my whole life. I would give anything to have him back and struggle just to function. This was not the plan and we are weak. I wake up so sad, I go to bed so sad, I think of him all day long. This morning I yelled at my 9 year old for crying about her Dad. We were rushed out the door to get to school and she had another melt down. She said but Mom I can’t help it, I miss Daddy- you cry and I don’t scold you. I remind you Dad is in a better place.
I’m so mad at myself right now- she is right- what was I thinking? I just don’t know how to deal with this and I’m not doing a very good job. This child is heart broken and sobbing and I am yelling at her for crying- God Help Me! I have pictures everywhere in the house just so it seems like he is still here. My family thinks it is unhealthy but it comforts me. I mean big pictures blown up and taped on my Kitchen cabinets and every Photo I have of him is on display. I am going to try and remove one photo every week. I get mad because everyone else just as soon get on with their lives and I can’t. I’m trying but it is so very hard- you are not alone. I am not weak in faith I’m just plain heartbroken, sad and I miss him!!!
Denise,
try to be gentle with yourself. One of the MANY books I have been reading on the subject – “I Wasn’t Ready to Say GoodBye,” says to treat yourself as if you have been in the intensive care unit. Because that is what we need.
I too immediately needed to put up pictures of Gary so that I could see him in every room of the house. I don’t think that is unhealthy. I had to try to restrain myself from going overboard in our bedroom, because I do not want to set up what would turn into a shrine or sorts. But I need the pictures around. I need to see his face. I talk to him that way. I talk to him all the time.
It has been such a rough week. Again. I am still in denial. I cannot accept this. My life has become a chore to endure, when before I was truly and completely happy. One of the things that hurts the most is that I finally felt that our family was truly complete and “right” after the birth of our youngest son – less than 4 years ago. I feel so cheated that we only had such a short time as a whole family unit.
I talked to my minister yesterday. He said some helpful things. When I spoke of my anger at God and my anger when I hear that “God needed him for something more,” or that “God felt his work was done here,” my pastor’s response was – this is a quote – “I think that’s bullshit.” HE believes that God does not actually choose who will live and who will die. He said we don’t know why these things happen, but that he does not believe that God thought Gary’s work here was done. He told me that belittles the amazing roles of father and husband – and these are extremely important roles according to God in the Bible.
So he advised me to pray for peace and acceptance. I try, but I have not gotten an answer to that prayer yet. I pray to hear from Gary. To see him in my dreams. I haven’t had any of those lately either. I guess all we can do is keep praying.
God Bless.
Thanks for the comments Lisa I am going to leave the pictures up and if it offends anyone they can either choose to ignore them or not come over. My daughter and I like them up and that is all that matters right now!! I read that book I wasn’t ready to say goodbye it was good. Two weeks before Steven died we took a 10 day road trip as a family, this was our chance to say goodbye even though we did not know it at the time. We spent 8 days traveling and 2 days at home together with him not working at all. He was a very hard worker so this time was so precious to have him “all to ourselves” as he worked 6 days a week. I thank God for this time with him and our daughter. I have never cried so much, so hard, for so long in my life. It has been 2 months and I still can’t wear mascara or it will end up all over my face. Prior to this I can’t remember the last time I cried-really! I think it is good to cry and get mad because I feel better afterwords than trying to keep it in. I always do this alone and I know “alone” time is hard with kids.
I know how hard Garys Birthday will be. I think he was in his early 40′s? What number Birthday will this be? It surely will not be a celebration but you should write a Birthday note to him and read it aloud for I believe he will hear you. The kids could also say something if they like for it will be therapeutic for them as well. You may or may not be answered in a dream, but in some way peace (even if a small amount) may comfort your soul. I will say a special prayer for you on Friday of next week. Steve was born on the 4th of July so I have a ways to go yet before that time comes. I was planning a big 50th B’day party (of course not even thinking he was going to die at 49- he was not even sick and had never even been in the hospital since he was born). So I basically have a huge hole in my heart like everyone on the site. The holidays are even going to be harder because Steve played a special role at Halloween (taking our daughter trick or treating) , Thanksgiving (roasting and carving the Turkey) and Christmas (cutting down the perfect fresh Christmas tree). There are painful times ahead I dread even thinking about the holidays without him. I am sure everyone on the site feels the same way. Well I better run and get the weekend chores done, many more now that he is gone.
God Bless! Denise
Made it to Nags Head just fine yesterday. Yesterday Sat I was sitting out on the deck watching the ocean & talking to Mike. I told him I loved him & missed him. I told him if he could hear me please send me a sign. Well it was kind cloudy cuz it was gonna rain later & had suddenly gotten gloomy even tho it was unusually warm. When I said that to Mike, immediately the skies opened up & got lighter & sun started coming out & a beautiful rainbow came out over the ocean. I just know that was Mikes answer to me & that he hears me from up in heaven & still loves me. I was so touched & felt such love. I think it was even neater than the rainbow I saw in Hawaii in the 70′s.
I took some pics of it & video filmed it too to havea record of it. It eventually faded away sadly. But I know Mike made it happen.
I put one of the pics of it on the internet for everyone to see. It is here:
http://d.yimg.com/kq/groups/15162357/sn/1504334000/name/IMG_8899.jpg
I LOVE YOU MIKE!!!!
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