The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Hi Marilyn,
That’s a beautiful poem. Am so amazed you can dig so deep. I am writing to my one year old about her father’s likes and dislikes, his mannerisms and chosen words so she can understand where she came from later in life when she needs it. That’s all she’ll have I suppose.
Its great your sister got the light bulb affect from that letter. So did my friends. And more of them are asking for a copy. To be honest I think I could have been a better friend to anyone I have known who has lost, until now. I know I gave a hell of a lot to a friend who lost a daughter but now I realise there were still more voids I could have filled.
I spoke to a medium. I found it refreshing and accurate – to the point that I just accepted it. I think I was a bit laid back even. It was my friends who found it all so chillingly real when I relayed the accounts. Maybe I was just too busy taking notes. I didn’t cry. Maybe I was skeptical or still just annoyed that I’ll never touch, see, hear or smell Steve again!
For what it’s worth I bought a book by Carole Obley who is in the US. I called from Australia. Made an appointment with her directly. Paid online and it all went like clockwork. She does it over the phone. Her website is http://www.soulvisions.net (you’ll find her number and email on it). Maybe you’d prefer someone in person but the reason I chose her was because her book was very sound and the reviews of her readings on Amazon (as opposed to those on her website) were convincing. I’m sure there are plenty of good ones but she was lovely. Very professional. Plus it was great to do it in the comfort of my own home over the phone. I’ll do it again for sure.
I hope it brings you some much needed relief. Whatever it takes!!
Night for now and bless you, Kate x
My husband passed away of liver cancer. He was 55 and we had been married for 31 years. I am so lost without him. My faith in God is the only way I keep my sanity. I cry every time I unpack and see something of his. We had just moved back home to be near family when he left to be with Jesus. I can’t finish unpacking because it hurts so bad. I am thankful he is not suffering anymore. I just don’t know how to make my pain go away except grab my Bible and pray for wisdom and strenght. He was my Soul mate. I can’t believe he is gone. I love you Doug and I will join you when God brings me home and I know we will know each other. I will always remember the things you taught me about God and the Bible. I will serve God. When my circle of life is over God will bring back to you.
Diana
Gina, sweetheart, take it all in your stride. I started like you, trying to get out there and do stuff, getting back to work. Grief hit me like a ton weight about 3 months after Martin passed away. I was his 24/7 carer as he went from able bodied to full body paralysis within 3 months of his diagnoses. I must admit, I thought my heart was going to break the night he died, and it continued like that for about a week, then I wanted to try and get back to normality and to do things I wanted to do. It’s not selfish how you are handling your grief, it’s exactly that, how you are handling it.
Your husband would want you to move forward and that is exactly what you are doing. Keep it up dear heart, stay with us as well, because we are here for you, just as you are here for us.
Much love to you.
Mare – love and strength I’m sending your way.
Diana Peebles – I’m so sorry for your loss. You are just at the beginning of your journey and it is still hurting so much. Stay with us, we will help you through it.
Karen -thank you, it was written when I was feeling really vulnerable, a bit suicidal, and very alone.
Strength and love to you all.
Normaxxx
I met with a friend today for lunch who lost her husband 16 years ago and has just remarried a year ago. She was in tears talking to me ab0ut the loss of her husband 16 YEARS AGO! I was feeling bad for her. It is very hard losing your love. I went to a grief session at Hospice; but it was not the right one for me as all the folks there were married for over 45+ years. Much older than I. I am only 54 and still working. Although some of the things are the same (the loneliness at night) I am not retired and do not have the money to travel with a bunch of ladies and these folks were doing. I am still working, trying to get through the work day and pay bills; keep up your “happy face” to get through the day. I don’t which is worse actually – being retired or working! I guess there is no “better” place. They have a group that begins in August that addresses loss of a spouse while you are of working age. I will probably go to that one. Just wish it wasn’t so far off. Oh well. I will survive til then.
Hugs to you all.
Karen I’m heading back to work soon, aged 42. Hopefully we can help each other. Paying the bills and bringing up a 1 y/o without Steve to tell me I’m the best mum, doing a great job, and without him being there to decide which way next. I was the toughy, he was the softy. It was always going to be hard finding the happy medium but I loved his massive heart and experience with children from his first marriage. He kept it real. As for work, I’m wondering whether to tell everyone to “treat me like normal” when I arrive. I’m not sure I want special compensation or sickly sweet looks. Any thoughts?
Norma, I’m sorry you were close to suicidal. Do you realise how much you have helped me so far in your writing? I know that’s no compensation but you are an amazing woman and we all need you in this world. I’m sorry you feel so alone. Please don’t. While we can’t all see each other, we all drop in on this website to stay in contact and you play a bigger role than you realise. Sounds like your mum had that ability too.
xx Kate
For Kate….Received your post and thank you so much. The info. about Carole Obley is very valuable. I would have to arrange something over the phone as I’m homebound for now. Really appreciate the help. Going to discuss with daughter this weekend. I think it’s great you are writing letters to your daughter about your beloved husband, Steve. Definitely something I would do if my daughter were not old enough to really understand the impact of this. A beautiful gesture, and, personally, I feel a necessary one to connect her with him through, not only you, but through the letters you write about him. My heart goes out to you, Kate, and everyone writing on this site, dealing with what we have all lost. At least my beautiful daughter was able to have 31 wonderful years with her dad. Your letters will mean so much to your daughter as she grows. Keep writing and remembering so that she will know all about her father through your beautiful memories together.
Diana….So sorry to hear of your of your loss. I know what you are feeling this very moment. Lost my husband to lung cancer after one and a half years of doctors telling us it was a fractured rib, then pneumonia, and didn’t get the proper diagnosis until April 30th. Of course, the cancer was Stage 4 by then, and he died a week later. Your faith in God will keep you strong. Please take each day as it comes and don’t try to do too much. The grief is so overwhelming. I haven’t done anything with my husband’s belongings and I don’t know when I can. I believe that a wife goes part way with her husband when he dies. You and all my friends here will be in my prayers tonight and every night.
Norma….Thank you for your love and strength. I know things here will never be the same again, never. I don’t know who I am right now or who I will eventually be. Trying to take care of finances and all the things that go along with his departure. I truly hope things work out for you and your dad. You both are going through and have been through a lot. Our husbands would have wanted us to remain strong and take care of ourselves. Hard to do, but there isn’t other options. Please accept a big hug from me.
Lori….Think about you. Please post when you can and let us know how you are doing.
As for me, I’m trying as much as I can to adjust to my “new way of life.” I don’t like it at all and not sure where it’s going to take me. I’ve, more or less, distanced myself from everyone except my daughter and sister. Taking it one day at a time. Getting advice to see a lawyer about the house (it’s not paid for) and so on. I’ve read on many websites not to make any big decisions for a least six months and I am going to take that advice and try to maintain what I have for now. Love to all,
Marilyn
Hello friends, June is a emotional month. Last Friday was the annual American Cancer Society Relay for Life that we actively participated in since 1999. We would always have a booth to raise money, play games, etc. I just couldn’t do a booth without him this year. We attended to celebrate our daughter’s 12 years as a survivor however. Then, today is my 26th wedding anniversary. I say it is my anniversary because I cannot bear to say it “would be” my anniversary. I sent my 2 youngest kids to Camp Good Mourning this morning. It is a grief camp for kids ages 6-16. I am trying to stay busy today working. I am serving on a college search committee so I have to keep it together when we interview candidates today. I am not looking forward to Father’s Day , his birthday on the 29th, nor the 4th of July. More celebratory days I have to go through–I can’t go under them, or around them, but have to go through them. Love to all, Lori
Hi Lori, Read your post and want to wish you a Happy #26 Anniversary. There are no “would be’s.” Bob and I celebrated our 32nd anniversary May 12th and my 65th birthday. Today is five weeks to this day that he passed on. It seems longer than that. I think about those upcoming “firsts” all the time. We’ve gone through the anniversary and just have to brace ourselves for the upcoming events. You said it, “Can’t go under them or around them.” It’s so hard. Always know you have love and support here.
Hello my lovely ladies! I know I sound happy. The sun is shining, I’ve got a pussy cat in my lap and a busy weekend ahead. I’ve got the blinkers up and there is nothing I can’t do. Thinking about how I move house without any help, and realise the bloodimindedness of my mum is beginning to shine through, because if I don’t get my 2 strong men, it will be me and a sack barra. I know I’m strong, but I’ll show them all.
What an idiot I hear you say, why try to do it on your own? Well because no-one has offered to help! No-one, even when I offer money, I still get no-one! Why is that? Why are my so called friends and family who are physically able to help, turning their back on me?
Still, that’s the way of it. I will manage, I will have everything ready this weekend for moving on Friday, and if I need to, I will do it on my own.
Kate, sweet heart, I’ve been living in a remote location on my own (although its only 45 minutes away from civilisation) and phone calls have been few and visitors have been nil for the pasts 6 months. Suicidal thoughts were easy because if I were serious, I’d be able to kill myself and no-one would notice. I wouldn’t have any chance to do it as a cry for help, as no-one calls me or visits me, no one would find me until it was too late. The point I was trying to make to my family and friends was just that. The offers of help have been hollow, and as far as they are concerned, I truly am invisible.
However, I can not help myself. I love life, I hate not having Martin to share it with, but I’m not going to give up that easy. That’s why I wanted to move to my Dad’s, so any low moment I have where it is “that low” if I’m at my Dad’s temptation is removed. And I also feel safe with my Dad. Being a Daddy’s girl, it feels right.
Tough times are ahead, both physically and emotionally, my dear, dear ladies, but if we are to get through it, then here is the place to be.
Love and strength is need for the weekend so send some my way.
Much Love
Normaxxx
Hi, Lori, It was so nice to hear from you and let us know how you are doing. Happy Anniversary #26. No “would be’s” are allowed and you will always have your anniversary to have and hold forever. Bob and I celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary and my 65th birthday on May 12th, five days after he passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to all those “firsts” coming up. I absolutely dread them. Adjusting to our “new way of life” is very difficult and I try to keep busy as best I can. This is a journey none of us wanted to take. Being deluged right now with medical bills that should have been covered on Medicare and there is confusion galore that I have to straighten out with the hospice care he received here at home. Thank you for your love and support. You have ours, as well. Hope we communicate soon. Love, Marilyn
Hi Norma,
Was happy to hear you’re getting ready to move next Friday to your dad’s. I think that will make things a little easier for you and you will have some love and support instead of being alone. It’s great you are a “daddy’s girl.” Our daughter is also a “daddy’s girl,” so it’s all good. It is amazing how everyone disappears when you need some help. I have a best friend who has only called my once since my husband’s death. It hurts, but what can you do? Once you get settled, I hope things are easier for you. I am sending love and strength your way. Will be glad when you are settled with your dad. I know you’ll be in a “better place.” Love, Marilyn
Here it is 4:00 in the morning, Pacific daylight time and I cannot sleep. The nights are the worst for me. It’s so terribly lonely. I told my daughter it’s been five weeks to the day since death took the person we both loved and still love so much. It seems longer than five weeks. I want him back so bad. Everything is in such an upheaval. Don’t want to face another day or night of being without him. We’ve been talking about how we “disappear” with our friends and family. It’s true! My best friend has called me one time since May 7th (date of Bob’s death) and his only brother has called once to see how I am doing and that we all have to be realistic about this whole thing. Realistic? What is realistic? The finality of death is pretty realistic. I still can’t watch other people talk, watch t.v., eat, and especially laugh in my condition. How can they do all that when I’m so down and miserable? Don’t they feel my pain? Don’t they care? If they do, why do they act like nothing has happened. I just don’t get it. Maybe we do remind them of their own mortality and their not comfortable with that. But, they act comfortable, laughing and talking, eating and making plans for the weekend. I’m afraid I’m not going to remember 32 years together. All we did. So, I go over those years in my mind every night and remind myself how good I had it. Then, I have to come back to the present. Not a place I want to be. Some people don’t want to be with their spouses but stay married to one another for different reasons. I respected and treasured my marriage. There was no magic formula….we just loved each other. We had our “beefs” but we always found our way to compromise. The “silent treatment” worked well for me. God, I love him. He’s the best. He knows what I’m going through. We used to talk about it every now and then… and he “knows.” I read the other posts and realize this didn’t just happen to me. So many others are trying to recover from their loss, as well. We live in different places all over the world and live different lives but we have one common denominator. Thanks for the ear and the shoulder. I’m going to try to rest a little. Love to all.
love to you Marilyn.
Here is a good place to come to, when its the darkest of times, because sometimes we just need to get the things in our head out of our head. Here is where we do that. It’s not always about the other person, but about yourself. I wanted to shout to the world that they had lost a unique man, when Martin died. I wanted everyone in the world to know. I wanted that so badly. I want him back. Last night I dreamt about him (bugger), he was back and I had to sort out how you go about re-registering your husband when he comes back from the Dead. What a joke. It’s never a dream about us walking hand and hand on a beach, never knowing about the horrible disease that took him. That’s only the third time I’ve dreamt about him. You see it in the movies when people hallucinate about the return of those they have lost, I kept asking people if they could see him and they said yes but I couldn’t believe it, I thought it was all wrong. My thoughts kept going to his ashes sitting just accross the room. What a day/night.
I got up at 2pm today, slept for nearly 12 hours, and boy was I needing it. Sorry to the rest of the ladies, I feel like I’m talking to Marilyn right now. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, come and tell us how you are doing, no matter what time it is. Better out of your head and into ours, because all the posts we write here, help in one way or another.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello friends, When I had some alone time I took his Urn and danced with him to our song to ‘celebrate’ our anniversary and sobbed and sobbed. Of course I couldn’t stop at one song and danced to others that meant something to us. I do not want to tell anyone for fear they will think I am over the edge. Thank goodness I have my online friends who completely understand. Next weekend will be 6 months and Father’s Day to get through.
(Marilyn, I don’t think I told you my circumstances: my husband was 52 and died of a sudden, very unexpected heart attack 5 days before Christmas. We have 4 children 24, 22, 14, 9). Love, Lori
Hello everybody,
I have been reading all the responses all the time. I have not submitted any responses myself…due to the fact I have been working very long hours. That is besides the classes that I take. I am a Student in Ministry. Plus, I am in the middle of an Astrology class.
It has been two years and five months, since my dear husband left. He had lung cancer and congestive heart failure. Luckly he left with dignity and did not have to suffer ever so much. We were together only three and a half years. We live twenty years during those time.
I have been thinking about all of those little stuff that means so much. Barry would tease me. He told me that I was one of the few people that really “Got Him”. When I come home from work…we would run to each other…hugging and kissing. We would use endearing words to each other all the time. I would cook, since I am a Chef. Barry would wash the dishes. He told me that I was a terrible dishwasher. I would rinse. We would be standing side by side doing this, sometimes in silence. It it a comforting for two people.
That deep love will always be there. I love you, Barry. I know that you are watching over me. I am carrying on with courage.
Love and Peace to all…
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Sweet MLB, you must have heard me. I was only saying yesterday, I wonder how you are doing? My husband used to say I had a pyshic link with my friends and family, I believe it too.
Got to hear how you are doing. Love and strength to you.
Much love
Normaxx
Dear Norma,
It warms my heart that you remember me. I am not so alone because of you and others on this site. We will get thru this all together. It is about each one of us, learning and growing thru the experiences of life. Rejoice that we can feel and love in our human plane. Our spirits live forever and grow thru our human existences.
Love and Peace to all…
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello, my friends….
Well, it is “that time” for me again. It’s 4:30 a.m. Pacific daylight time zone and I looked forward to seeing any posts from my friends here on this forum.
Hi, Lori: I thought it was so heartwarming to hear how you danced to “your songs” with your husband’s Urn. For us, Lori, there is no “over the edge.” Whatever you do to try to feel better through these terrible times should be “no holds barred” as far as I’m concerned. My husband’s Urn is on top of our fireplace mantle which our daughter memorialized just after his death. She took out our favorite pictures of us over the years from photo albums and made a collage’ of photos in frames over the mantle. Many years ago, when she was 15, she bought him a musical clown figurine, which he treasured. It’s on his mantle. His favorite hat is next to him, as well. Two flameless candles are on each side of him. My desk and computer are about six feet from his Urn and I look over at him at least 500 times a day. He’s in there. That’s what’s left. If I could, I would pick him up and dance myself to exhaustion. What a beautiful gesture. I know how much you love him. Only 52 years old…so young. What a total shock that must have been for you. No warning and five days before Christmas! Four children. I’m assuming two of them are still with you. Yesterday’s post said you were attending a function for the American Cancer Society Relay for Life to celebrate your daughter’s 12 years as a survivor. What type of cancer did she have? It makes me happy to hear about those success stories. How long will your two younger children be at Camp Good Mourning? I hope it helps them to recover from the loss of their dad. We all do have our blessings in one way or another. I do count them one by one to offset this miserable existence I’ve been thrust into. Have to say, though, I look forward to writing my friends here. It’s a place for me where there is compassion, kindness, comfort and, most of all, understanding. I know you’re not looking forward to next weekend at all, me neither, but always know we are here for you no matter what. All you have to do is connect yourself to us and let us know what you are feeling because, Lori, we know.
Dear Norma,
Look forward to your responses. I send my love to you. Know you have a big week ahead of you, but I’m still glad you’re moving back with your dad. That’s where, I feel, you should be right now. You know, I have had a few dreams about Bob, and when you mentioned your dream about Martin, I’m of the belief whenever we dream of our loved one, it’s them trying to communicate with us. Sometimes the dream makes no sense, but I think it’s still him trying to get through to me. Our daughter has had dreams, as well; one of them being that he walks through the front door and she says “How can you be here, daddy?” The lady from the mortuary is with us saying she will still go ahead with the arrangements even though he is in the doorway saying he is all right now. If only he was. What disease did your husband have, Norma? I’m sure everyone has read about the misdiagnosis of Bob’s lung cancer. You know, we saw him deteriorating every day, lost 40 pounds in two months, but those doctors kept telling us about fractured ribs and pneumonia. We didn’t know the bottom line until one week before his death and had to frantically arrange for home hospice care. The doctors said we were wrong to bring him home because he was so ill at that point. We brought him home, anyway. He deserved better than putting him in a “facility” after all the hopes of him recovering were depleted. It was a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows that you could only imagine, thinking he was going to survive that “fractured rib” of one and one half years and then “pneumonia.” The hopes we all hung onto. It made no sense, but they kept telling us that’s what it was…until, finally, on April 30th, we’re told he had 4th stage lung cancer and he’ll require hospice care. The doctors still told us he could have up to five months left and he died a week later. I saw it all and I heard it all. I’m so bitter over the lack of care he had and what might have been if he had been properly diagnosed. He believed in the system and so did I. But no more. Apologies for the rambling, but, like you said, “better out of my head and into yours because all the posts we write here help in one way or another.” So true. Thank you for being here with me.
My thoughts and prayers are constantly with all of you. It’s just beginning daylight here in Sunny California. I know we all live in different time zones and I’m thankful I have all of you to turn to. Sleep is something very hard to come by lately. Look forward to hearing from all of you….actually find myself wheeling to the computer looking forward to hearing from you all. My husband told our daughter about one month before he passed, “If things don’t turn out the way we want them to, you have to be brave.” I think he knew then, the doctors were wrong. All of us have to be brave and try to hold it together as best we can. Going to close for now. Love and hugs to all….Marilyn
Hi Marilyn, sleep is such a relief when it comes. Martin had motor neurone disease (you may know it better as ALS or Lou Gerrig disease). He died 6 months after diagnoses, peacefully. He passed away 4 weeks after my Mum died of lung cancer, so I knew what was coming with Martin. He went from being tall skinny fairly healthy, physically anyway, to total paralysis within 8 months. The standing joke before diagnosis, was don’t let him do the dishes, else he’ll drown, as he’d start upright and end up at a 90 degree angle by the end of it. So sad, he was 46 and he died 1st December 2009, 6 days before my 40th birthday. I was thankfull my birthday landed on a Sunday last year, else the funeral service would have been the same day and that would have been hard.
MLB, I think about my ladies often. I’m going to see a spiritulist next week. I want to see if Martin or Mum has anything to say to me.
I’m just off the phone with my sister, getting it through to her, finally that i need some help. During the call her daughter sent her a text, and she called me a few minutes ago, she’s just got engaged, and they are going to come and help me move on Friday. I’m exhausted from all the crying. I didn’t realise your nose could run so much when you are in full flow.
Off to bed and its only 9.30 pm (BST) here.
Much love and stay strong.
Normaxxx
Hi Marilyn,
Greetings from Minnesota. Yes, I still have the 2 younger kids home. My 24 year old daughter is married with a baby girl and is a special education teacher, my 22 year old son will begin his senior year of college in the fall, my 14 year old daughter will be in 9th grade in the fall, and my 9 year old son will be in 4th grade. My husband was very involved in youth sports for the past 23 years. He was a hockey coach for our sons team along with a team that was older (11 year olds). He ran the pop warner youth football, and umpired and coached baseball. Over 800 people signed the guestbook at the funeral. There wasn’t anywhere we went in the city (about 68,000) that someone didn’t recognize him and stop to say hi. He was actually in between coaching hockey games when it happened. He beat me home from the arena and was cooking lunch getting ready to go to the next game at 3:00 pm. I walked in the door and there he was laying with the 2 younger kids over him. He was conscious but could barely breathe and couldn’t talk. His eyes did all the talking. I immediately called 911 and asked the kids how long he was like this–they both said just right before you came in the door. I believe that too–because I called him asking him if he wanted me to pick up something for lunch knowing about the 2nd game of the day. He said no, I’m making something in his usually happy voice, but I came into the house not 2 minutes later and found him like that. The paramedics worked on him for about 30 min. in the kitchen and he left with no pulse–so I knew. They tried to work on him more in the ER but after about 1 hour they came in and told us he died. His 11 year old team was just as devastated as we were. I had them serve as honorary pallbearers. Our blue line club planted a tree in his honor with a huge boulder by it with a very nice narrative. To answer your question about cancer–our 14 year old daughter was diagnosed with neuroblastoma when she was 2. For 9 months the doctors around my hometown kept telling us it was a virus in the back of her brain. 9 MONTHS! Finally, I got my wish for a referral to the Mayo Clinic. In 2 minutes–without tests yet to confirm it–the doctors told us they believed she had neuroblastoma. It was a long 4 years–3 surgeries, chemo, OT, PT therapy, etc. If you saw her today you wouldn’t believe she was ever sick.
Norma, I get tremendous strength from you–please keep writing. The things you say always have a positive effective on me.
MLB – I would love to hear more about your spiritual teachings. I find that very fascinating.
Love to all my friends, Lori
Kate, Marilyn, and anyone else who benefited from the widow.ie site, I’m so glad you went to that site and found comfort there. I hope you post a supportive comment for Colette, the young woman who started the site about two years ago, after she lost her husband to a motorcycle accident. She has a young daughter, thus can identify with those of you who also have young children.
Marilyn, I’m just north of you in sunny (as of yesterday) Oregon, so we share the same time zone. It has been so nice to experience some of your California sun these past two days.
Many of you have mentioned wanting to connect with your husbands through mediums. I, too, long to connect with my Don, and often ask the Holy Spirit to convey my love to him. Because I deeply believe that Scripture is Truth from our Creator, and Scripture clearly states that we are not to go to mediums, I won’t go that route. However, I’ve found nothing in Scripture that forbids contact with our loved ones through the Holy Spirit, thus I have asked for that to happen, if it be in God’s will. During the first few months after Don died, I was blessed with comforting dreams of being with him, and was left with the assurance that we are together in Christ for eternity. That assurance provides a peace that gives me the strength to face the challenges of each day on this earth without Don.
This site is such a blessing to all of us….. again, THANKS CORINNE!
It’s, once again, 4:oo a.m. Pacific standard time and I’m here at my desk/computer writing to all my friends here.
Jeanine, I’m thinking of you right now because we’re both on the west coast.
This is a haunting hour for me….it’s sooooo quiet and all I hear right now is the clock ticking and my typing on the keyboard.. I try to sleep but all I do is think, worry and think some more. It’s exhausting.
Our daughter had a “bad daddy day” today. She was playing a song about a father and daughter (can’t remember the name of it) by Tim McGraw and we both started sobbing. My husband loved a song by the Mills Brothers, and this may be long before all my friends’ time, named “Daddy’s Little Girl.” Well, we won’t even go there. I have the door shut to the bedroom and his office. Just walking by makes me cry, let alone going in there. I hope that gets better for me, as my twin sister worries that I’m not moving along as well as I should and doesn’t understand my staying up all night and not going into certain rooms. I always come here to talk things out because all of you make me feel “normal.” None of our lives are normal. Our children’s lives aren’t normal. Having our husbands back would certainly make our lives normal. I wonder if I’ll ever adjust to life without Bob. Do members of my family (other than our daughter) get sick and tired of hearing me talk about him all the time? I try to keep limits on it and then I come here for comfort.
Dear Lori,
Thanks for telling me your story. I can’t imagine what you went through that day you lost your husband. I know the end of this month marks his birthday and 6 months without him. Father’s Day and the 4th of July are going to be more than difficult for all of us. How do you cope? Are you working? I’m retired. My husband owned a business for 40 years….a cocktail lounge/ restaurant. When I met him in 1976, he had owned it for around 10 years. Then, he trained me to work shifts and eventually I learned how to do the bookkeeping and payroll. We sold the business in June of 2007 after his abdominal aortic aneurism surgery. I was just too scared I might be left with a business that was open 7 days a week, 20 hours a day. It was a lot of work, but he made it fun. He was a very smart man. Also, when you told me about your daughter’s neuroblastoma and for nine months the doctors were telling you it was a virus in the back of her brain, you see how they mislead you? Thank God for the referral to the Mayo Clinic. We (our daughter and I) kept telling Bob’s doctors he’s not getting better and we asked each other why don’t they do a cat scan? I googled and googled about “pain in left side” and most the sites said ask for a cat scan. We just got nowhere. I’ve had friends tell me to file a malpractice suit against the medical people who were caring for him. But, where does all that go? It just isn’t going to bring him back. Do I really want to even “go there?” My heart goes out to you and everyone posting on this site. We’ve all dealt with the doctors and the treatments. Do you know when we finally got the correct diagnosis on April 30th, his doctor told me on the phone he had a mass. I said, “A mass?” He said, “Masses, masses, and they probably have metastisized.” I didn’t know the meaning of metastisized….had to google it and then, in simple words, it meant spread. Didn’t know it then, but he had one week to live. They hospitalized him on May 1st, released him on May 2nd and put him into hospice. His condition worsened so fast; it was incredible….like watching something on fast forward.
Always remember, my love and prayers are with you. I know this weekend is going to be a rough one, but we are all here for you just like you are all here for me. Love, Marilyn
Hi, Norma…it’s always great to hear from you. I’m so glad to hear you’re sister and niece are going to help you move to your dad’s place. I can thorougly understand why you cried after being under all that pressure. Once you get to your dad’s, I know you will be in a better place. No so secluded and alone. Even though sometimes our family doesn’t act and talk the way we feel they should, we all need to be around the people who love us and care. I was telling my daughter today about how you lost your mum and husband within a month and both of us couldn’t even fathom having to deal with that. You’ve really been through a lot and I commend you for posting with all of us to give us strength and I hope we are all giving you the support you need, too. You’ve got a big week ahead of you, but it’s all for the good. Reading your posts have brought me, and all of us, that little ray of sunshine that we all need right now. Your mum would give you a cuddle and I’m giving you one now, Norma. God bless and keep writing to us.
Hi, Jeanine….Wonderful to hear from you. So, you’re in sunny Oregon now. When you think about where all of our friends live, you’re practically my neighbor! Did you move there permanently? Are you with family? My heart and prayers are with you and, yes, you will be reunited with Don after your labors are completed here on Earth’s plane. I’m having diffculty right now with my faith. It isn’t that I don’t believe anymore, it’s just that I feel forgotten. I’m exhausted from the whole ordeal with losing Bob to God. I prayed so hard. Yes, my faith has been shaken a little. I feel very vulnerable right now having to deal with an injury that has, I hope temporarily, put me in a wheelchair since last October. I became eligible for Medicare this past May, but Bob’s death has diverted me from seeing a doctor. Don’t really want to go after what I witnessed from the medical group that will be taking care of me. My twin sister is facing double total hip replacement but the doctors can’t do any surgery right now until the inflammation in her spine subsides. She is not able to walk either. I worry who will take care of her after two surgeries. It’s just one thing after another.
I still pray and believe. It’s just hard to understand why so much has to be dealt with at one time. My husband, Bob, was there for us and we didn’t even know that HE WAS THE ONE THAT REALLY NEEDED TO BE CARED FOR! You know, he would always tell us how fortunate he was that he could walk and that his problems were nothing compared to ours… but they were something… and very real. It was all so unexpected.
I, too, am grateful to Corinne for establishing this forum for all of us. I searched for others, but there wasn’t anything compared to what I have found here. Thank you, Corinne.
Mary Lotus Butterfly….I’m fairly new here and want you to know we are all here for you. My husband died from lung cancer, as well. Please keep checking in on us and let us know how you are doing. All of us are such an integral part of each other’s survival. I know I’ve said this before….”My friends here are my life preservers.” So please keep posting and let us know how you feel and how you are doing. We’re all in this same “boat” together. Love and prayers….Marilyn
Well, it’s now 6:30 a.m. and the sun has risen. I’m going to start a pot of coffee for my beautiful daughter who will be going to work soon. Then, I will try to sleep a little. I love you all….Marilyn
Well well well. I go away for a long weekend with my family and return to a day load of messages from you all. I feel I have to read and re-read to take in all that information. So much grief, love, kindness and glue to bind us all together.
I am falling asleep I am so tired and can’t pay all your posts the respect they deserve tonight but please know Ladies, you really are all so important to me and clearly each other.
My 1 year old daughter had her first ride in a boat with my family this weekend. Just as I was thinking it, my darling knowing mum said it on cue.. “wouldn’t Steve love to be here now”. He should have been there. I sobbed in to the wind and buried my wet eyes into my daughter’s hair. Steve and I had talked about that exact special moment. So maybe he was there after all. Who knows. I like to think I can feel him around us, and talk to him at certain times, but is he really there. Who knows. Maybe it’s just my wishful thinking.
My counsellor told me I need to be open to all that stuff otherwise I will miss the signs from Steve.
I firmly believe that communicating your feelings when grieving helps with progress and this site really has been a saviour to me. I am so sure it have brought me sanity, references, perspective, support and understanding that so many people are searching for if unaware or unable to let it out in this forum. The fact that we can do it daily or ten times a day is even better.
Norma, I got goose bumps when I read that you are getting help from your sister and her daughter. It’s a lesson to us all to reach out, and to keep reaching out and to clearly, loudly and unashamedly demand help because, despite all those hugs, pats, puppy dog eyes and offers to do “anything”, people really don’t have any idea what we are going through. I can’t bare that you have been so isolated for so long. You have so much joy to look forward to, simple pleasures are coming your way, in truckloads!
I have dropped hints but it’s only the seriously caring or smart friends who react. And those who have lossed already are incredible.
One thing I can’t stop thinking is that sadly most people you know will suffer loss in their life, it just hasn’t started for them yet. It’s not something any of us would wish on anyone, but i do know that it’s simply a matter of time now that we will all be consoling more and more friends. I have learned so much in the process. Did I want to learn, no! But bad luck I have and I know I’ll be able to help good people when the time comes.
I have started to accept that losing Steve was most of course going to happen to me. Why didn’t I ever see it coming. Why didn’t I realise that life had this in store for me. It all makes sense. I was always independent. I fought being dependent for a long time but just as I started getting used to the idea, wham! So stupid of me.
It is exactly two months today since Steve (aged 40) died suddenly, we’ll never really know, but he died from an enlarged heart (myocarditis) which seems to have been caused by a virus or bug. He had food poisoning symptoms for 3 days and finally went to hospital to be checked and died 8 hours later in intensive care. The shock after shock that I have been through seems to have toughened me up. Could anything shock me or rock me now after what I have been through. I don’t think so. Maybe this is a phase of grieving.
My memories are fading. I can’t really believe Steve was true. He whizzed through my life in 4 short years. High impact love. Gone.
Sweet dreams and lots of love, Kate
Dear Kate….Steve was there on that boat ride with you and your little one. No doubt in my mind. Yes, you must keep your mind open to those signs, as subtle as they might be. My mind, what’s left of it, is always open to any sign I may receive or any “feeling” I may have from Bob. Please remember this….Steve IS true. I know in one of my prior posts I mentioned that I have to go over and over my 32 years with my husband because I’m afraid I’m going to forget. But, why? We won’t forget. How can we? Steve is the father of your baby. Bob is the father of our daughter. The ties that bind….as they say. But, they are oh, so true. Kate, you will never forget Steve. He will be with you always; there is just too much of a connection there. You will see that to be true as time goes on. Doesn’t matter if we were married 4 or 40 years. When you love someone and lose them like we have, that bond of love is never broken. You see, because we didn’t end our marriages by divorce; our marriages ended without our consent. Trust me on this one, Kate, you will never forget Steve and your memories will not fade. He is just too much a part of your life and your baby’s Keep writing those beautiful letters to her and you will see your connection to Steve will endure your separation from him right now. We are all “swimming in waters” right now unknown to many. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but here we are. I’m so grateful to have found all of you and know I can come here for comfort and understanding. I’ve never been in therapy, but this is definitely a wonderful place to come and be with others that truly care and know what this is all about. There’s just no other place like it. Will check in with all of you later on. Love and a hug to all….Marilyn
Kate, your beloved Steve was with you in that boat. Ijust know it. I was given a book by a friend that researched after death communications and I believe they are real. It’s called “Hello From Heaven”. My husband smoked cigars and I smell cigar smoke on a regular basis and no one else does! I have felt something envelope me and brush my cheek when it was quiet in the house. It startled me! I felt something– what I thought was the dog getting up on the bed, but the dog wasn’t in the same room. I believe these “somethings” are my husband. My kids have all had similar experiences. I don’t think I’m crazy–I’m well educated and level-headed. I cannot explain it any other way.
Jeanine, I’m hoping I can regain my faith through your writings. I am a grad of a catholic high school so I grew up with a very strong faith. I have not been to church since he died. My faith is very shaken. Keep writing as it gives me something to think about.
Hi Marilyn, those “bad daddy days” are intensely emotional days for us. I am afraid to let my feelings out too much for fear I will end up with a 2 hour crying jag from my younger kids. That actually happened. I want the tears to cleanse them because I believe tears that don’t flow will cause us all sorts of problems, but I don’t want them to worry about ME. I need to be strong to take care of them. Take care my friends. Thank you for listening. Love, Lori
Thanks for your encouragement Lori and Marilyn. I will keep writing. I have been slack lately but will give it another burst, with energy from you all. And I will look for signs of Steve too. Thanks girls. Lots of love, Kate
For the faithfull. Your believes have been rocked by such trials and tribulations that it is hard to believe that God would do this to you and your family. To take away a much loved man, who was needed by you and your children (where blessed). It is only natural to be angry at God. God has the power to stop things like this happening, but miracles aren’t for you. The path you will take because of your loss will define you. Define how you feel about your faith, define how you react to certain situations, and define how your journey will go. It is good that you question your faith at times like this, but don’t lose it. You might be angry at God and you might decide that God doesn’t deserve your faith, but you know that’s not true. Have as much faith in yourself as you do in God, for all God wants you to be is good to yourself, and treat others as you want to be treated. God doesn’t mean for this journey to be tough at times, but God does want you to come through it. Keep your faith, Ladies, for God keeps faith in you.
For the faithless – like me you may not believe in a higher entity, blind faith is sometimes hard to accept. Things happen because that’s the way of the world, but just because you don’t believe in a God, doesn’t mean you are faithless. Having faith in yourself is just as good. Believe in yourself and you can do anything you put your mind too. Just be good to each other, life is hard enough as it is. And when the journey becomes tough, know that you are not alone, and somewhere someone elses journey is just as tough as yours. Life is wonderful and made for living, so embrace this challenge, because that’s what it is, a challenge.
Safe journey to you all, love and strength to you all, and forgive me ladies, for the little bit of philosophy. Don’t lose your faith, where ever that lies.
much love
Normaxxx
Norma, all the very best luck with your move on Friday. Just in case you disconnect the computer I wanted you to know I will be thinking of you. If I was in Britain I’d jump on a train and come help you. Of course it’s easy for me to say that all the way from Oz but i do mean it. Sometimes I think we are all more open from being largely anonymous on this site but honestly, I’d be happy to gather and meet you all. Imagine if we had a big “widow fest”. Of course we could give it a snazzier name but I don’t want anyone to hurt any more than they already do and let’s face it, we all know how to help in a practical sense and we know how to provide basic comfort. Sometimes a simple helping hand relieves a heart load of aching and stress. What I can offer Norma is a phone call. My email address is kdavieshk@yahoo.com and if you wish to swap numbers I can call you and check on you or you can call me and swear your heart out. I completely understand if that’s far too personal for you. Your sister and niece will probably provide plenty of venting opportunities but hey, the option is there. We are 9 or 10 hours ahead of you in Oz but I am here day or night. I’m hoping your dad lives in civilisation and that soon you’ll be creating a community of butchers, bakers, baristas around you and they’ll all provide routine and regular conversation for you to look forward to, at the very least. If not, you still have us all.
Love Kate x
Hello, my lovely friends.
Here I am, once again, at 4 a.m. PDT. Just found out yesterday confirmation that my twin is going to have to go through three surgeries…two total hip replacements and surgery on her spine or she will not be able to stand upright within a short period of time. She’s been on a walker for two years due to severe osteoarthritis. I’m entirely exhausted emotionally and physically from loss of Bob on May 7th and feel like I’m “slighting” her for what she is about to face. I mean, how much is left of me to see her through this ordeal? Not much time in between to regain strength. The hits just keep on coming.
Keep having flashbacks leading up the the day that changed my life forever. Easter Sunday, April 4th, was the beginning of my journey into hell. We had just gone through an earthquake here and the pendelum on our grandfather clock had stopped moving. That clock has been in the family since 1956 and it survived the Northridge earthquake many years ago. It just stopped. My husband came from his office and told us he’s going to have to go to Emergency cause he was feeling so ill and I remember that clock stopping. I said to myself, “I hope that not a sign of anything.” I dismissed the thought and remember how happy and joyous we all were when he said the doctors told him it was “pneumonia.” As you all know, things went downhill rapidly from there. April 4th, Easter Sunday…he had a month of life left in him. Now, I look at that clock and it is lifeless. I’m afraid to say anything to the family that I want to get rid of it cause my mom and dad bought it in 1956 when my twin and I were 11 years old! You see, I think of April 4th as the beginning of the end, and everytime I see that clock, it taunts me to remember. Hence, the constant flashbacks leading up to the 7th of May.
Oh, yes, and let’s not forget Father’s Day this Sunday. Little did I know that last Father’s Day was his last and how special our daughter would make it for him with cards and gifts, hugs and kisses. He loved chocolate-covered cherries and every Father’s Day he would get 3 boxes of them from her. This is the dread of all dreads and right on the heels of that is 4th of July! How do we get through all of this? I know all of us are facing those special days this year without our loved one and all I can say is if I didn’t have this support from all of you, I would sink deeper than where I already am, and where that is, I really don’t know.
Lori….I know it’s your husband’s birthday coming up and 6 months since your loss. My love and thoughts are with you, as well as everyone I’ve made friends with since my first post. I’m so lost. If all of you weren’t around for me to come to, I think I would dissolve like an Alka Seltzer tablet in water. The news of my sister hasn’t helped matters, either. Who will care for her during recovery? I’m not able to at the moment due to injury. There are just too many “noodles in the stew” to deal with right now. Taking Bob off the joint checking account…..another finality I don’t want to face. God, where does this road I’m traveling turn?
Norma, I wish you much happiness and peace with the move to your dad’s. Keep all of us posted on your journey. Plug in that computer as soon as possible to let us know. We will all be waiting to hear from you. I truly love you all. Marilyn
My dear, sweet hearts. I was going to leave the computer and get the broadband turned off today, but thought, why? I’m still here at the moment and why not send a quick message (sans philosophy), to everyone of you.
My Silver Fox, went in for surgery yesterday (Tuesday), she’s one our ladies who keeps in touch with me via email. Although she doesn’t post much, she reads all our posts. Terre if you read this before I get a chance to read my email, know we are all thinking about you. It’s simple surgery for some, but I know how simple things can be so much bigger to others.
Marilyn, good morning, no doubt you’ll read this when you log on at that peaceful hour you’ve found. My bed is all packed in the back of the car, ready to go straight to Dad’s tomorrow night. Dropping it off an my sister and her husband will put it up for me, whilst I go and learn some more Spanish. Opted for the single bed, gives me more room in the bedroom, its not like I’ll be bringing anyone home. It will just have to be his place (your place or mine)
I’ve been granted an interview for Uni, had to explain to my boss yesterday, why I wanted to go and do an MA in Philosophy. He didn’t fully understand, but he thought it was a bit heavy going for me, and he asked me if I’d not rather do something that was going to enhance my career. I explained that money wasn’t a big factor for me and that he would be better spending his training budget on those who would appreciate it more. Was nice of him. Will keep you all posted on that.
Well its official, I binned my husbands wallet and other things I was supposed to keep. Haven’t found it anywhere. Sad, but I’m not dwelling on it. Martin wasn’t in to material things and I don’t need it as a reminder of what we had together. Just feel stupid for getting it mixed up with the rubbish.
Sorry I appear to be waffling.
Kate, I will email you once I’m settled. I’ve recently got in touch with an old college friend who is now in New Zealand. My travel plans for 2012 include Japan, a few days in New Zealand, and now if you are up for it, a trip to Oz or HK wherever you find yourself. As to widow fest, we may have to call it something else, as we’d probably get a bunch of spider freaks turning up (no offense intended). As we are so widely spread, we’d have to decide on the hemisphere first then the continent or just do it all via web cam and uplinks. Something to consider.
Believe in yourself, don’t let this journey be a lonely one, you know we are all here for each other. Let’s not forget Corine, thank you, this site has been such a comfort for so many, long may it last.
Signing off now, will probably be Wednesday before I’m back on, and I’ll have news as I go to see a spiratulist on Tuesday night. Hopefully mum, will be able to send me a message and tell me if there is a God. I asked her to come back and let me know, because if she tells me there is, then I would have no option but to start going to church.
Much love
Normaxxx
Norma, bring it on! I’d love to see you in HK or Oz. I have found an apartment in HK and am moving back in a month. Scary stuff but it has to happen. I think Steve is pushing me along. Am yet to tell my employer that I’ll be returning. Boring business discussions I am simply avoiding. I kind of like being in this limbo state for that reason, but I also know I can’t stay in it for too long or I’ll lose my grip. I have to do it for our daughter. She has a load of friends to make and experiences to enjoy.
Marilyn. Try not to carry all that weight for your sister as well. This is a time to call in all relatives and friends, is it possible? You need to begin the healing process and it’s a selfish one. Hang in their hon. I have lots to shut down as well. It feels almost cruel. Like we are shutting someone out of our lives, cutting them off. I know Steve would really struggle with all those duties if the shoe were on the other foot. And no doubt your Bob too. So maybe, in a way, they have been spared of that heartache. For what it’s worth I am a big fan of tossing everyday reminders, or at least removing/moving the really painful ones. I have had our apartment packed up and have left it forever. We were going to anyway, but it has all been done for me while I am in Oz. And when I do unpack in the new on, I am tossing lots of things. Maybe the clock can go into storage? I find I prefer to choose when I want to be reminded of Steve, when possible. I have his Polo cologne and all I have to do is open the lid and the first powerful waft conjures up a typical morning scene in our household when Steve was alive. Sometimes I wear it but find on some days, it’s too hard to smell him everywhere. Some days I just choose to keep the lid on the bottle and wear my own perfume. He loved it.
Sweet dreams everyone. I am off to pray for Steve to be in mine tonight. Oh and I know it doesn’t help much but in Oz it’s not Fathers’ Day until September so not all the world is celebrating it. I know that doesn’t help much but maybe in years to come you can plan a long holiday to avoid July in the US. Wishful thinking I’m sure.
Thanks Corrine.
Love Kate x
Hi there… my husband died 17 March 2010 – not long ago- he had cancer but the whole process was only 18 months. We had been dating for about 6 years when I finally was courageous enough to say yes to he regular request to marry him. Being married and divorce prior left me scared – and being brought up catholic left me feeling that I didn’t deserve the blessing. Anyway we were only married on the 27 June 2009- so we hadn’t even been married a year when he died. Due to work we were also in different towns – four hours apart. We planned for me to move to him, but when the cancer proved to be very aggresive we planned for him to move with me – as I have family support here and my own house. As it turns out my husband ended up in pallitive care in heaps of pain before he finally moved in with me- in nov/dec 2009. I became his carer . It was wonderful to spend constant time with him…. although it hurt too, to be a newly wed and not enjoy things in a normal way…. though everything was so intense… holding hands when we slept was special.
It is nearly a year since our wedding… what would have been our first anniversary.. and I don’t know what to do. I feel totally isolated in this grief. I feel I need to do something or go somewhere… I don’t know how to deal with it.
any ideas?
Niki
Oh, Niki….What can I say? Believe me, I know how you feel. Don’t know if you’ve read prior posts from me to all the lovely friends I’ve connected to here. My husband, Bob, died on May 7th. He was in hospice care here at home for five long and agonizing days. It was horrible to watch him deteriorate further without food or water, in addition to the agonizing pain. You know, I didn’t know what pallative (not sure of spelling) care meant until my daughter explained it to me. I sure learned fast! So sad you were married less than one year. Remember, the length of time you are with someone doesn’t determine how much you love them. I was married to my husband almost 32 years, five days short of my anniversary. You are fortunate you have found this forum. We are all “in the same boat” and all of us are here for you. I’m having a terrible time dealing with Bob’s death….seems like I can’t get past it. Maybe, I don’t want to. I do have our daughter to share all this grief; she so loves her dad. June 27th will be your first anniversary. There are no “would have beens” or “would be’s” here. It is, and always will be, your anniversary. I can certainly relate to the isolation and grief you are experiencing. Seems like no one can really feel the way we are feeling. As for me, Niki, I take it one hour, one day at a time. Constantly think about him and miss him so much. Still can’t believe he’s gone. It’s just not real. I know I have to deal with all the legal responsibilities that get dropped in your lap when your spouse dies, but, other than that, I’m still in a daze. I just want him back and resume what was my normal way of life. It just isn’t going to happen no matter what I do. Try to do nice things for yourself. Hope you have a friend you can have dinner with or take in a movie….any diversion helps. It’s not that you want to forget him….that will never happen. You just want to rise above all the sadness and emptiness that goes along with the loss we’ve all suffered. Friday’s are terrible days for me. Bob died on a Friday and today will be six weeks since his death. Seems longer. Whether it’s been six weeks, six months or six years, we will always feel the loss of our husband, whom we love so dearly. Take one day at a time, Niki; that’s all you can do. People tell me, “Time will take care of things.” Time is my enemy right now. Can’t sleep and I’m living in this cocoon of grief. I do know what you’re going through. Coming here truly helps. You’re with friends that know what you are feeling and thinking. We will hold on to one another and “weather this storm” as best we can. Stay strong and accept our love and support. We are all here for you.
Hello, Kate….Your response meant a lot to me. You’re so right. Bob would not have been happy having to deal with all of this if I had been the “first to go.” But, it sure is hell being the one left behind. Keep writing those beautiful letters about Steve to your little one. They will become treasures to her one day. So, you are planning to move, as well. I wish sometimes I could just leave everything and begin anew, but I’m older and having mobility problems right now. New horizons are sometimes the path to follow because no matter where we go, no matter what we do, our hubbies will be with us in our hearts. We carry them there constantly. Coming here to visit all of you means more than words can express. I’m understood. I’m nurtured. I’m not alone. Love to you and everyone corresponding on this wonderful site. Don’t know what I’d do without all of you.
Hi Norma….Are you at your dad’s yet? Sending you a cuddle.
Love you all….Marilyn
Hello friends. Niki I am so very sorry for your loss. We are here to help each other, be a shoulder to cry on, be a place to vent our frustrations, be a place to hold each other up. No one wants this journey, but thankfully we have a place to go. If this site wasn’t available I would be in worse shape than I am in sometimes (special thanks Corinne). Tomorrow marks 6 months since my husband died. He also happened to die on a Saturday–and yes Marilyn, I can relate to the day and feel what you mean. Every Saturday is a sad day for me. Hugs and love to everyone, Lori
Hi Niki, Marilyn and Lori say it as it is. Maybe they didn’t mean this but really you don’t need to plan too much to avoid the sadness. Be with it but with a caring mate by your side or simply know that we are here with you. Saturday, Tuesday, Friday, whatever day doesn’t make much difference to me. I can be having a relatively easy day and then simply stumble across a reminder that bleeds my heart. Today I was doing some retail therapy, buying shoes and I went to the baby section to see if there were any decent styles for our one year old daughter and suddenly I turned misty eyed saying “babe, you are supposed to be here, where are you” repeatedly, because Steve would have been the one just loving the little shoes I bought for our daughter. I even found myself wondering why I would buy some really beautiful shoes for myself if I didn’t have Steve to admire them and make me feel good in them too. I wanted to be his beautiful woman, I wanted to make him proud of me. Submissive perhaps and definitely not what I was all about but I loved that he got a thrill walking into a room with me. I ended up in the sensible shoe area and threw a few back on the grounds that Steve was telling me not to go there. But really, he just loved whatever I loved and loved spoiling me. It’s now a very hollow game. Material things or not, he’s not here to share the emotions.
I met up with a friend tonight who divorced her husband after a nasty marriage and he is literally a hobo now and definitely no parent to her daughter. I studied her daughter tonight and she was amazing. She has a father who is alive and occasionally in her life but he is definitely not a parent to her. She really is a credit to her mum. I can’t compare my situation but all I can hope for is a daughter as well-rounded as her daughter. My friend was wearing a ring on her wedding ring finger and said she put it there because she was literally sick of people feeling sorry for her being a single mum. She lives with another guy and they both have kids but she is fiercely independent. So much to look forward to! I still wear my rings. I wear Steve’s on a chain around my neck with a cross his mum gave me which was one he wore in his 20s. Do we wear them forever?
Night, Love Kate x
Just stumbled on this site, and my heart goes out to all of you. I lost my husband on 3/30/10. He had a heart attack in his sleep and I found him the next day. He was 49 and I am 34. He left behind 3 adult children, 9 grandsons, 4 step-kids and our 5 year old daughter. His family has been horrible about it all. The police believed his mother as did the coroner and gave her all the cash from our home and turned our property over to her. Within the 2 weeks it took me to take control through court order, they removed everything of value, mine, his and our kids, including our air conditioner, and I live in Colorado (the plains). Now they are fighting me in probate so that we can not stay in our home. It has made it more difficult. His mother tried to file for survivors benefits for our daughter until I turned her in. She took all control of the funeral and he is now buried instead of the creamation that he wanted. I was even cut out of the obituary. When I put flowers on the grave she removes them, when I go to the grave, she goes to check up on me. After 8 years of marriage, I would of thought that she would learn to deal. When I would tell my husband how she was behind his back, he did not believe me, I hope now he sees her true colors. This has been heartwrenching enough, but she makes it harder. I am happy that I am a paralegal and can get most done on my own, and have really great friends that are attorney’s. I understand she lost a son and his siblings lost a brother, but I lost my life mate and my kids lost their dad. I go to bed and wish he was next to me. I have heard enough people tell me to get over it, well I can’t. And I am at my wits end, if his mother tells me one more time that he would be alive if I would have just forced him to see a doctor I may slap her. Our favorite holiday was Easter, but this year there wasn’t one, The first mothers day that I woke up and there were not a dozen roses and a dozen pink carnations with a card and chocolate replacing him on the bed when I awoke, then the brunch out to eat with he and the kids. Now Sunday is fathers day, and we didn’t make a menu tonight, and place card, and we will not be making homemade blueberry pancakes for him while he stays in bed. No invitation for a campout in the yard with the kids. I have gone to his grave just to scream at him and be mad, but everynight, falling asleep takes forever. to tell you the truth, it feel like someone took a melon baller and scoop half of me out. From how you all have commented, it seems that it gets easier to deal with, and for my own sanity, I hope so. I am glad that I found this site. Finally I have found other people that feel the pain and emptiness that I do. This is so much different than losing any other family member. When you lose your spouse, you lose yourself.
Hello to all my friends…
Well, here I am, once again. It’s 4:15 Saturday morning and I am now finding this is my time to reflect on what I am feeling and how I’m going to survive the loss that I, as well as all of us, have endured. Yesterday marked six weeks being without my wonderful husband. Brandi is so right when she wrote that this is different from losing any other family member. It’s not that you loved them any less or felt the loss any less, but it is “different.” You do lose yourself when you’ve lost your spouse. Well said. I sent my daughter into Bob’s office yesterday evening to bring me a file I needed and she came running out sobbing that she just can’t go in there because the feeling of grief is so overwhelming. It was “daddy’s room” and all the reminders of him were just too much to take. His desk, glasses, t.v., remote, tool chest, etc. How I related to that! Like I’ve said before, I won’t go into the bedroom or office. I’m just not there yet. Like Lori said earlier, you try to hold it together for yourself and your children, but the tears do have to flow. Things are what they are. Didn’t realize sending her in “there” was going to cause such an outburst and I’m learning that I’m not the only one suffering from his passing.
Lori….my thoughts and prayers are with you, as always. The next two weekends are going to be difficult with Father’s Day and your husband’s birthday on the 29th. I wish I could recommend an easy fix for it, but it doesn’t exist. Just remember, we’re all here with you going through each day, as well. All the holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries that confront us are shared, believe me! Thank goodness we all have one another. It’s comfort we all need to share. Always remember, we’re just a post away.
Hi, Brandi….So glad you stumbled on this site. Actually, after my husband, Bob, died on May 7th, it took me about a month of internet searching to find everyone here. I couldn’t believe it when I joined in and found the wonderful friends I have made here. I really think my husband guided me here cause he knew the difficulties I’ve been having. Definitely made a big difference dealing with those feelings of emptiness and isolation. I do understand what you are going through with family differences. Our daughter went through a horrendous divorce after her first marriage with custody battles I have never seen the likes of. Her 11 year old son, my grandson, does not want to see us any longer because of the influence from his father. This has been going on for years and it still goes on. It’s heartbreaking. Our daughter has remarried, but the nightmare of her first marriage and subsequent custody battle still affects the family. My husband told me many times throughout our marriage,” Sometimes, when you’re at your wits end and don’t know what to do, it’s just better not to do anything at all.” I’ve used that analogy many times and have let things evolve on their own. I guess that’s what I’m doing now with the loss of Bob….letting things evolve at their own pace. Haven’t made a whole lot of progress, though, but I’m doing the best I can with the circumstances I’m left with. Stay with us. We’ll hold on to and comfort one another as best we know how. At least you’re among friends that have experienced a loss like no other, and we do know what that involves. Believe me!
Kate…Funny you should mention “retail therapy!” Our daughter is definitely going through “something” since her daddy died. You just gave me a “light bulb moment” and now I realize all her shopping lately stems from losing her dad. That’s it! I feel so bad for her. She not only lost her dad, but she has been witnessing some pretty intense emotions from her mama, as well. Bob was, and will always be, our #1 guy. There isn’t anyone in the world like him. Like I’ve said before, he was the stabilizing force within the family. The rock. You’re right, Kate, it is a very hollow game. Oh, and by the way, Steve loves the beautiful little shoes you bought for his daughter. Wear his rings and cross with pride and, most of all, love. To me, wearing them symbolizes his memory and the love you both have for one another. You have a beautiful soul and I’m glad our paths have crossed in this lifetime.
Norma, Did you make it to your dad’s all right? We’re anxious to hear all about your adventure going home.
Niki, I’m thinking of you and please post when you can. Let all of us know how you are doing.
Love and hugs to all of you.
It’s now going on 6:00 a.m., Saturday morning.
Lori, Thinking of you…. it’s Saturday….I just went through my “Friday.” All of you would be proud of me dealing with the lawyer, the appraiser, the bank, and everyone else that materializes when an event like this happens. Getting lots of “advice” to sell, to stay, to remodel, to do this, to do that, and I’m not going to make any big decisions for at least six months. Those big decisions not only affect me, but our daughter, as well.
Corinne….thank you so much for allowing this site to be available to me, as well as everyone who has found this beautiful sanctuary. Marilyn
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