The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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I have sent this to a dear friend, I am looking around to try and help her all I can. She needs to talk to people as well as help with bills.
Much Luv
Bonnie Fitzgerald
bonnie@crossroadsfoundation.com
I was thinking that if God could make all of this, surely he could heal my husband. I am reminded by the falling leaves of how devastating it was to see my 6’1″, 225 lb husband get so thin I could see his ribs. These images and feelings are more prevalent to me with the change of season than they have been most of this past year.
I don’t think it would be easier to lose someone you love suddenly, acutely as in an accident. In some ways it would be harder. To watch someone you love suffer and wither away before your eyes, over time, and there’s nothing you can do to stop the process, is also horrifying. I am, however, grateful I got to say goodbye. My husband died Oct 22, 2007 of skin cancer (melanoma). We were together 31 years. We were still in love, still having fun. He was 52.
May God bless and comfort each of us as we travel new path, as we struggle to realize a future without him in it and imagine the possibilty of a different type of happiness. They want us to be happy and enjoy life because they love us. I want that too. It will come if we let it, in it’s own time. Mary
Dear Mary -
I know exactly what you are saying. My husband was also six feet and 200 lbs and he went down to about 70 pounds. It went on for five years.
I guess it is better than a sudden death – although who can measure the pain of each. I did have time to say good bye and so did my children.
He did not get along with them – until the end when they made peace.
You are right on when you say, “a different type of happiness.”
We never are the same again.
My heart is with you as you approach the first anniversary of your husband’s death. That is one of the worst days.
But it passes, when it comes, like another day. The anticipation of it coming is worse.
Dear Bonnie -
I hope your friend finds a nugget of comfort somewhere in this article.
You are kind to send it on to her.
Hello Corinne,
Have been searching through many sites this afternoon trying to find some words of comfort and hope. My husband, Malcolm, died in a skiing accident six weeks ago tomorrow. The initial shock has passed and I am now left with this overwhelming feeling of sadness. For him and the life he has had snatched away. For our 13 year old daughter and the journey she now has to embark on. And for myself.For the life I thought I had and the uncertainty of the future without him.
I know I will cope and get through this but some days are a bit more difficult than others. Thank you for being there.
Dear Marissa,
I hope you and your daughter will be comforted somehow. It’s so hard sometimes. I don’t have good advice for you, but I care and am so sorry. Mary
Dear Marissa and Mary -
That was so nice that Mary came into this conversation.
Yes, especially at first, all we can do is cope.
This is like a private club we never wanted to join. Only those of us who have been through it can really understand.
I am glad my article made you feel less alone. We are out here!
Sending love and healing to both of you. And all of us.
Dear Corinne, my husband passed away 12 weeks ago aged 43 of Pancreatic Cancer, he was diagnosed when I was 5 months pregnat with our first child. He was my soulmate and my life, we had been married 10 years and my heart always jumped when I heard his voice or saw his face. My only comfort is that he is at peace, he was everyones favorite person, he was witty, fair and kind but he did not need to be liked by all. He was the bravest man I will ever meet and took his illness in his stride, but he wanted to live a life of quality or not be with us. Sometimes I felt selfish encouraging his next treatment and pushing him to keep going. He is at peace and in those dark moments which come I keep going by reminding myself he is safe, he is not suffering, he is waiting for me fit, well and happy keeping my seat warm. As long as I can believe he is happy and well watching over us then I can keep going. My son is and truely is “his fathers son” at aged 17months he keeps me busy, but also my heart breaks when I think of what they are both missing. My darling husband lives on in my heart he is watching me and guiding me forever. Your site has comforted me and reminded me I am not alone and will never be alone. thank you.
Dear Dear Maria -
Yes, you are in the throes of all your arteries being open.
Please keep these thoughts out of your mind. You did what you thought was right. And that is the best any of us can do.
“Sometimes I felt selfish encouraging his next treatment and pushing him to keep going.”
Your son will be told over and over about his brave father. He will live on as you care for him. You are lucky to have him.
My healing thoughts go out to you, Maria.
I would suggest you visit Sandi’s blog. Just go to the top of the comments here and click on her name. It will just come up. She is also a recent young widow and writes so from her
heart. Join in the conversation there.
Connie,
Thank you for your words!
I lost my husband suddenly almost eight months ago and every single thing you said I have heard from family and friends. The latest is when I told my mother I was having trouble sleeping and she asked, “why, dont you feel well”.
Everyone would like my life to just go on. Every day that goes by, you would think would be better but for me it seems like I am getting further and further away from the memory of my husband and that makes me very sad.
I am just in motion every day. My soul is empty. I died the day my husband passed.
Thank you,
Cindy
Dear Cindy -
People give you about five minutes to “get on with your life!”
You will never get away from the memories of your husband. Don’t worry about that. He would want you to treasure all the good times you had with him. And think that you now have your own personal “angel” watching over you.
You will find, as time goes on, that you did not die with your husband. If you are still in this world there is a reason.
Don’t rush your grief. It will come in its own time. Staying in motion is important.
Your soul will never be the same. A new soul will fill your heart as time goes on.
I hold you in my heart.
PS to Cindy -
Go to Amazon and buy my book, Reflections from a Woman Alone. They are selling it for ONE CENT as it is out of print. It will make you feel less alone.
Dear Corinne,
My dear husband, my partner, my soulmate left January 26, 2008. We were together three and half years. He left just five days after our one year wedding anniversary. We squashed twenty years of living into a very short time. I watched him suffering and being in pain from the cancer. It all happened so quickly.I watched silently as pieces of him went away. I would cried before I got home from work. I had to be brave. He told the Hospice Nurse near the end that he did not want to see me cry anymore.
We are spiritual people. I saw his spirit on our first date. Then, I saw his spirit leave at the end. He did not linger in bed, dringling away. The Hospice Nurse, the Social Worker, my husband and I were sitting at the dining room table. My husband was talking about spirituality. He spoke about our plans. He spoke about another future. He stood up from the table. I was looking at him thru a haze. I saw him with his face shining with light. He stood up tall and proud. He was dressed in a white robe. He raised his arms in the air and I saw him take off. Then out of the corner of my eyes, I saw his body half lying on the table and the Hospice people catching him from falling onto the floor.
I had the biggest Thanksgiving of Life in 2007 with our friends. We knew.
Now after this Thanksgiving, 2008, I went into a panic. I thought I would have to relive the pain and suffering of my dear husband. I went to sleep and woke up at 1 pm. I remembered the spirit of my husband and I was comforted. My husband is not suffering anymore. His spirit lives on.
I had the rug pulled out from under of me. Nothing in this material world means anything to me. Only the spirituality that I have. Because of my husband, it helps me to give me courage to carry on. We have our eternal love that will live on forever. He is in my heart and with my soul.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dear Mary -
How wonderful that you had such a memorable Thanksgiving in 2007. I know this one was very hard. The holidays are the worst – and the first birthdays and anniversaries. So, you probably are dreading this holiday season.
The anticipation of the dates coming up are worse than the days themselves. I have found that I just wanted to be very quiet or do something very peaceful.
And the first year is the absolute most terrible year.
Your husband is with you and can be a comfort. Ask him.
As you said, love never dies. That you will have forever.
My thoughts and prayers for comfort are with you, Mary.
Dear Mary (MLB)
Your story gives me goosebumps. When you spoke of seeing your husband in the light. I too saw the light in my husbands eyes and on his beautiful face just before he passed on. I have no words to describe it. What I saw in him was as light, but not bright, like as to hurt your eyes, it was a feeling of calm, peace, perfection and beauty. Nearly a month and a half before he died saw this same sort of light that he tried desperately to describe to me, after I saw what I saw in his eyes, I knew exactly what he had been trying to tell me and I struggle to find the words, just as he did. I felt almost like I was looking into the face of the most Holy. It gives me peace to remember what I saw in him and to know he lives in that light now and throughout all eternity.
I believe my husband wanted me to see what he saw and in his last moments, he let me see it through his eyes. A gift that will last me a lifetime.
I hope you find happy moments throughout this holiday season. God bless you always, Mary
Dear Corinne & Mary,
It is good to find people that understand and to share what I am going thru. Hopefully with my little story, I can give encouragement to others. My husband had told me that I need to write down my stories and things. I never knew grief before in my whole life. I am downsizing and simplyfing my life right now. Nothing in this material world have any meaning to me at all. Nothing is the same. I am not the same. I have a few good days, then I have my bad days. I just let my tears flow. I am on my spiritual journey. That is what will pull me thru and hopefully the sadness will go away one day. Here is something to share….
The Eternal Now.
Yesterday has fled into the past, to be recalled only in memory.
Tomorrow never comes. What is there left to us?
Only the Eternal Now.
Now is forever.
Now is Eternal.
Now knows no time, space or age.
Now is the New Day, the clean start, the fresh page in life’s Cosmic Book.
Now is the opportunity – available to all who will make the necessary effort.
Now I find strength and courage to meet the challenge.
I press on toward the ultimate goal, and all is well.
The Eternal Now:
How beautiful!
I now take my place on the great stage of human action and enact my role in life’s ever moving drama.
It is my part.
None can play it but me, and …
I will do it
Now.
With Peace and Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I have read and cried for about an hour, these stories are sad and inspiring. My husband will die, only have a short time left. I do not know how to feel sometimes, I feel like I am already greiving, so scared to feel like this, I do not want to come home and never see his face looking back at me, never feel his warm body holding me, I am terrified!
Dearest Julie -
Everyone who has replied on this article has been exactly where you are. We know the terror.
Picture all of us holding you in our arms and comforting you.
We are with you.
Anyone out there with some words for Julie? There is, I know, so little to say at this time.
Keep in touch. We are here.
PS Julie -
Read Mary’s beautiful poem. I like this part.
I now take my place on the great stage of human action and enact my role in life’s ever moving drama.
It is my part.
None can play it but me, and …
I will do it
Now.
Dear Julie,
It is very hard to know that your beloved parnter is dying slowly. Half of me thought it was a dream and I would wake up, that it is not happening. The other half of me was so scared, worried to see my husband suffering so much. I would cry in a parking lot of the supermarket everyday before going home. I would call up friends of ours to speak to. Then, I would go home and try to act normal. Normal, what is that? Everything was so quiet. There was not more laughter. All I saw was my husband sitting at the dining room table, counting his pills. He would sit there with his head hanging down. There were no words to be spoken. What was there to say. He could not even hold his food and pills down.
I did not know what was worst. My husband and I spoke about it. It was either the pills that was making him sicker or was it the sickness?
I just remember the deep love that we have. Our dreams went scattering into the heavens. Even though I did not want my husband to leave me, I did not want him to suffer anymore. The faith of our spirituality bought peace.
Our human bodies just house the spirits. Our spirits lives on.
Spend gentle, quality time together. Hold each other. Your spirits will speak to each other.I really miss the tenderness that we have together.I had to let my husband be.Tears and Pain. Prayers.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dearest Julie,
When I read your note I just cried, I was feeling the same just a little over a year ago. My husband and I never spoke of death until 12 days before he was gone, after 2 and a half years fighting cancer. We just wouldn’t let ourselves think it was going to end that way. As I look back, I wonder if it would have been a little easier if we had talked about it before. I don’t have regrets, I just wonder.
He knows you are hurting Julie and I don’t think you need to try hiding it. I would just sit near him as much as possible, perhaps with your hand on his or touching him somehow. Maybe he would like to hear you say that while you can’t imagine life without him, you will find a way to be alright, just in case he can see you, he will see you trying to be happy.
I don’t really know what to tell you. I just wish I could help. If he can still write, perhaps he could write you a little letter that you could read over and over after he’s gone. Maybe you can put a paper under his hand and trace with a pencil around his fingers, then you can hold his hand when he’s gone.
God be with you. Mary
Dear Julie,
My husband was in the hospital to have a feeding tube put in. I did not feel right about it. I was dealing with Nurses and it was lucky if I saw the Doctor.
My husband wrote questions on my pad. I told him that I was trying to find out answers. Then, he wrote another question “Was I wearing any underwear?” Dispite that he was so sick, he retained his sense of humor. I just said “Oh, Barry”….All I could was look at him with love. I got him out of the hospital thru Hospice. It is all about the quality of life.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
TO ALL OF US WHO HAVE SHARED HERE.
When I wrote this article over a year an a half ago, I had no idea of the community of loving and sharing it would inspire. I was writing into an unknown – the Internet was so vast to me. I was just sharing to an audience that I was not sure even existed. I was writing about myself. And I found that I was writing about so many others who were seeking friends they could trust and connect with.
I feel so humble that somehow, we come together, where no one else will listen to us. Perhaps, we do not want to share with the loved ones who are in pain also.
Here, we are anonymous to each and yet connected. we know each other. We are joined in survival.
God bless us – everyone.
Thank you so much for all your caring words, it feels so great to just know that I am not alone, that this isn’t just happening to me. There is so much I would love to say just now, but busy caring for him, I am just wanting to say how much I appreciate all that was written to me I print out every word and I will keep it next to me, that way I can read and read it over and over when I need to. Thank you again and I will continue to write to you all.
Corinne, I just changed my living situation with a man that I adore. I moved into my own place. I know I needed to move–it’s in my purpose… Even though I haven’t dealt with the death of a spouse, everything said here sounds strangely familiar. And I can’t imagine what it would be like if I couldn’t call him on the phone or share in my new adventure. I tell myself I’m not allowed to feel grief of this sort because he is still alive.
My grandfather died on my birthday 18 years ago while I was pregnant with my son. It has been interesting observing her grief process, which continues… Just the other day my grandmother (depression era) was bitterly complaining about the measly $25.62 she gets from his retirement survivor benefits. She could only complain that it’s not enough. I gave her a perspective that made her laugh (in a way I don’t hear very often), I said, “Wow! Grandma, isn’t that sweet? Grandpa is still taking you out to lunch every month…18 years later. Where is he taking you this month?”
It seems to me that all the advice given in times of mourning are to appease the advice giver and not the mourner. Putting the mourner in the awkward situation of caring for the needs of the advice giver. How unsympathetic, but very human… One just “never knows” what it is like until we go through it ourselves. Let us remember that when we are on the other end.
I recently heard of a Jewish tradition (forgive me…I don’t know how accurate this is) in which there is a specific way to approach a mourner. You are allowed to visit and cry with the mourner. You can sit and listen, but do not be the first one to speak. Never be the one to bring up the devastating circumstance, don’t talk about or ask questions, just listen.
Dear Julie:
I am Corinne’s sister and a survivor. Although my husband died of cancer years ago, your letter and all of the others brought back so many sad and sorrowful thoughts and memories. I look back and wonder how did I get through his l3 month illness. I remember working hard all day taking care of him and then dropping into bed totally exhausted, and crying myself to sleep.
When I woke in the morning I would silently say, “Please God, let this be a nightmare and not reality.”
After he died, my six children, brother and sisters surrounded me with their support and love. It did help but it takes time – your own timetable. My sister, Corinne stayed with me for a while and then my son, Stephen who was between jobs stayed for a month. It was such a help but I really didn’t start to grieve until I was totally alone. I found out that you just have to sit in the pain. I did discover that you have to take care of yourself and try to forgive others who avoid you or say the wrong thing. They just don’t know what to say or how to help you. They mean well. I used to say to myself – ‘you have two choices – sink into a deep depression or get up and get out and do something.’ So I did do something.
I did seek psychological help for 8 months. This was crucial to my recovery and I also joined a church bereavement group. The first year was the hardest. My birthday was the first and then of course his and then the holidays.
Eventually I started looking into doing volunteer work. The best therapy (which just fell into my lap)of all was serving as a juror on a homicide case. I was instrumental in persuading the hold-out jurors that it was self-defense and she was found innocent.
There are no easy answers. It was the most difficult time of my life. I so understand what you are all going through. I know the pain that you are experiencing. But I did survive.
I never thought I could be happy again but am now in a loving relationship with a man who lost his wife three years ago.
I am still in love with my husband and wish he was with me but I would not want him to live and suffer one more minute. He is in a peaceful place now and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and the love we shared.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. My arms are around you. Love, June
Dear CK =
Thanks for contributing to the discussion.
The break up of a long relationship is like a death in a way. The big difference is that it never seems so final.
There is always the faint hope that things may work out later.
In some ways, then, it is harder. My condolences to you.
Loved the grandmother story. Funny – I get a small pension from a company where my husband worked for a short time. $94.73 a month. I am now going to think about it differently. It is my walking around money to spend on lunches and frivolous stuff! Thanks for that!
A special gift from him. It seems more important now.
My dearest Juniebug -
How generous of you to comfort our sisters here.
They should know that you are my very best friend and someone I admire for always somehow making lemonade out of the lemons of life.
And what a big part you played in that murder trial in convincing the male jurors that serious abuse justified their deciding her innocense.
I always thought of it as you had lost a life with your husband’s death and saved a mother and her children to live.
I believe that you were divinely chosen to be on that jury.
The other important point you made is that love never dies – even if you find another person to love.
It is unlimited and eternal.
Dear Julie,
I do meditations to quiet myself and calm myself down. I still deal with the pain still. I breathe in thru my nose, hold my breath, visualizing healing lights (pink & purple) going thru my body. I face my pain head on. I surround it with my love. Then, I breathe out the negative energy and the grey matters slowly thru my mouth. I draw in the golden and white lights from God to me, surrounding me. I do that three to five times, until I feel better. It has help. Crying helps heal. Let it flow thru you, embracing it. Do not run from it. I hope oneday, that the saddness and pain will leave. Only the deep love, the warmth, the closeness with your husband’s spirit will remain.
I will hold you and your husband in the light.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
It has been a year for me since I lost my husband. I’m just noticing that thoughts and memories of him, that not long ago made me burst into tears, are occasionally accompanied by a smile.
Dear June:
Your words inspire me so, I am encouraged and hopeful. I have 3 young boys at home with me, ages 11, 14, and 15 months old baby. I get scared alot that my youngest will never know his Dad. That is very hard, I try to just go day by day but when I see them together I cry! My older children are of my first marriage so they aren’t losing there Dad but they really love there step Dad and I know it will be hard on them also. The one thing that is helping me more than anything so far is that I pray continuously, I find that if I am not that I let myself get really down. Some days, I think that maybe it isn’t as bad as they say and he will get better, but I know that is just wishful thinking. But all my life I have struggled with bad relationships and I finally have the perfect one and I keep saying its not fair and all that, then I have to bring byself back to God, he will always be there when there is noone else. I feel that the Love of God with keep the love of my husband alive and with me always
I wrote this not long after my long-time companion died in 1987. Louise Bove
A Definition Of Loss
She noticed the smallest losses first,
After death took him swiftly from her sight.
She would never again hear him whistle,
As he came up the stairs at night.
Familiar footsteps, the smell of tobacco,
The opening and closing of doors not heard
When one is alone. The rustle of papers,
The clink of ice in a glass. Absurd
The thoughts that came into her mind.
That which defines a person’s absence
May be as simple as mold on the marmalade,
A single toothbrush over the sink, evidence
In little things. Time enough in the silent din,
For whatever has begun, to begin.
Hello Everyone,
Yes, It is true that God is the one to hold onto. God does not go away and disappear. He has been in my life since I was a little girl. He loved me, walked with me and carried me at times thru my lifetime. It is my deep faith in God, that I do believe everything will even out and I will be OK again oneday.
It takes alot of courage. It seems that it would be easier to give up, but my spirit does not want to give up. I hold onto my faith.
God bless.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello all -
I love the interaction between all of us here.
What a wonderful community has formed. Keep talking to each other. You can be completely anonynmous and say things here that you cannot share with your loved ones who are also suffering.
Louise, you are a talented poet. Don’t let that strength go.
That is a beautiful and touching poem.
Hello everyone in this wonderful support group!!!
This has help me alot to know I can speak to others about things. It has been ten months. I am moving and downsizing. I look at his hairbrush, his toothbrush, his pocket watch, etc. I will put them lovingly into a drawer. I tell him that we are moving.
I will begin a butterfly garden again at my new place. My husband was so thrilled with the caterpillars and the butterflies.
He was so happy about the colorful finches coming to the birdfeeders.
It was all about the small innocent things that made our life together so wonderful.
Mary (MLB)
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