The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Dear Corinne & Mary,
It is good to find people that understand and to share what I am going thru. Hopefully with my little story, I can give encouragement to others. My husband had told me that I need to write down my stories and things. I never knew grief before in my whole life. I am downsizing and simplyfing my life right now. Nothing in this material world have any meaning to me at all. Nothing is the same. I am not the same. I have a few good days, then I have my bad days. I just let my tears flow. I am on my spiritual journey. That is what will pull me thru and hopefully the sadness will go away one day. Here is something to share….
The Eternal Now.
Yesterday has fled into the past, to be recalled only in memory.
Tomorrow never comes. What is there left to us?
Only the Eternal Now.
Now is forever.
Now is Eternal.
Now knows no time, space or age.
Now is the New Day, the clean start, the fresh page in life’s Cosmic Book.
Now is the opportunity – available to all who will make the necessary effort.
Now I find strength and courage to meet the challenge.
I press on toward the ultimate goal, and all is well.
The Eternal Now:
How beautiful!
I now take my place on the great stage of human action and enact my role in life’s ever moving drama.
It is my part.
None can play it but me, and …
I will do it
Now.
With Peace and Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I have read and cried for about an hour, these stories are sad and inspiring. My husband will die, only have a short time left. I do not know how to feel sometimes, I feel like I am already greiving, so scared to feel like this, I do not want to come home and never see his face looking back at me, never feel his warm body holding me, I am terrified!
Dearest Julie -
Everyone who has replied on this article has been exactly where you are. We know the terror.
Picture all of us holding you in our arms and comforting you.
We are with you.
Anyone out there with some words for Julie? There is, I know, so little to say at this time.
Keep in touch. We are here.
PS Julie -
Read Mary’s beautiful poem. I like this part.
I now take my place on the great stage of human action and enact my role in life’s ever moving drama.
It is my part.
None can play it but me, and …
I will do it
Now.
Dear Julie,
It is very hard to know that your beloved parnter is dying slowly. Half of me thought it was a dream and I would wake up, that it is not happening. The other half of me was so scared, worried to see my husband suffering so much. I would cry in a parking lot of the supermarket everyday before going home. I would call up friends of ours to speak to. Then, I would go home and try to act normal. Normal, what is that? Everything was so quiet. There was not more laughter. All I saw was my husband sitting at the dining room table, counting his pills. He would sit there with his head hanging down. There were no words to be spoken. What was there to say. He could not even hold his food and pills down.
I did not know what was worst. My husband and I spoke about it. It was either the pills that was making him sicker or was it the sickness?
I just remember the deep love that we have. Our dreams went scattering into the heavens. Even though I did not want my husband to leave me, I did not want him to suffer anymore. The faith of our spirituality bought peace.
Our human bodies just house the spirits. Our spirits lives on.
Spend gentle, quality time together. Hold each other. Your spirits will speak to each other.I really miss the tenderness that we have together.I had to let my husband be.Tears and Pain. Prayers.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dearest Julie,
When I read your note I just cried, I was feeling the same just a little over a year ago. My husband and I never spoke of death until 12 days before he was gone, after 2 and a half years fighting cancer. We just wouldn’t let ourselves think it was going to end that way. As I look back, I wonder if it would have been a little easier if we had talked about it before. I don’t have regrets, I just wonder.
He knows you are hurting Julie and I don’t think you need to try hiding it. I would just sit near him as much as possible, perhaps with your hand on his or touching him somehow. Maybe he would like to hear you say that while you can’t imagine life without him, you will find a way to be alright, just in case he can see you, he will see you trying to be happy.
I don’t really know what to tell you. I just wish I could help. If he can still write, perhaps he could write you a little letter that you could read over and over after he’s gone. Maybe you can put a paper under his hand and trace with a pencil around his fingers, then you can hold his hand when he’s gone.
God be with you. Mary
Dear Julie,
My husband was in the hospital to have a feeding tube put in. I did not feel right about it. I was dealing with Nurses and it was lucky if I saw the Doctor.
My husband wrote questions on my pad. I told him that I was trying to find out answers. Then, he wrote another question “Was I wearing any underwear?” Dispite that he was so sick, he retained his sense of humor. I just said “Oh, Barry”….All I could was look at him with love. I got him out of the hospital thru Hospice. It is all about the quality of life.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
TO ALL OF US WHO HAVE SHARED HERE.
When I wrote this article over a year an a half ago, I had no idea of the community of loving and sharing it would inspire. I was writing into an unknown – the Internet was so vast to me. I was just sharing to an audience that I was not sure even existed. I was writing about myself. And I found that I was writing about so many others who were seeking friends they could trust and connect with.
I feel so humble that somehow, we come together, where no one else will listen to us. Perhaps, we do not want to share with the loved ones who are in pain also.
Here, we are anonymous to each and yet connected. we know each other. We are joined in survival.
God bless us – everyone.
Thank you so much for all your caring words, it feels so great to just know that I am not alone, that this isn’t just happening to me. There is so much I would love to say just now, but busy caring for him, I am just wanting to say how much I appreciate all that was written to me I print out every word and I will keep it next to me, that way I can read and read it over and over when I need to. Thank you again and I will continue to write to you all.
Corinne, I just changed my living situation with a man that I adore. I moved into my own place. I know I needed to move–it’s in my purpose… Even though I haven’t dealt with the death of a spouse, everything said here sounds strangely familiar. And I can’t imagine what it would be like if I couldn’t call him on the phone or share in my new adventure. I tell myself I’m not allowed to feel grief of this sort because he is still alive.
My grandfather died on my birthday 18 years ago while I was pregnant with my son. It has been interesting observing her grief process, which continues… Just the other day my grandmother (depression era) was bitterly complaining about the measly $25.62 she gets from his retirement survivor benefits. She could only complain that it’s not enough. I gave her a perspective that made her laugh (in a way I don’t hear very often), I said, “Wow! Grandma, isn’t that sweet? Grandpa is still taking you out to lunch every month…18 years later. Where is he taking you this month?”
It seems to me that all the advice given in times of mourning are to appease the advice giver and not the mourner. Putting the mourner in the awkward situation of caring for the needs of the advice giver. How unsympathetic, but very human… One just “never knows” what it is like until we go through it ourselves. Let us remember that when we are on the other end.
I recently heard of a Jewish tradition (forgive me…I don’t know how accurate this is) in which there is a specific way to approach a mourner. You are allowed to visit and cry with the mourner. You can sit and listen, but do not be the first one to speak. Never be the one to bring up the devastating circumstance, don’t talk about or ask questions, just listen.
Dear Julie:
I am Corinne’s sister and a survivor. Although my husband died of cancer years ago, your letter and all of the others brought back so many sad and sorrowful thoughts and memories. I look back and wonder how did I get through his l3 month illness. I remember working hard all day taking care of him and then dropping into bed totally exhausted, and crying myself to sleep.
When I woke in the morning I would silently say, “Please God, let this be a nightmare and not reality.”
After he died, my six children, brother and sisters surrounded me with their support and love. It did help but it takes time – your own timetable. My sister, Corinne stayed with me for a while and then my son, Stephen who was between jobs stayed for a month. It was such a help but I really didn’t start to grieve until I was totally alone. I found out that you just have to sit in the pain. I did discover that you have to take care of yourself and try to forgive others who avoid you or say the wrong thing. They just don’t know what to say or how to help you. They mean well. I used to say to myself – ‘you have two choices – sink into a deep depression or get up and get out and do something.’ So I did do something.
I did seek psychological help for 8 months. This was crucial to my recovery and I also joined a church bereavement group. The first year was the hardest. My birthday was the first and then of course his and then the holidays.
Eventually I started looking into doing volunteer work. The best therapy (which just fell into my lap)of all was serving as a juror on a homicide case. I was instrumental in persuading the hold-out jurors that it was self-defense and she was found innocent.
There are no easy answers. It was the most difficult time of my life. I so understand what you are all going through. I know the pain that you are experiencing. But I did survive.
I never thought I could be happy again but am now in a loving relationship with a man who lost his wife three years ago.
I am still in love with my husband and wish he was with me but I would not want him to live and suffer one more minute. He is in a peaceful place now and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and the love we shared.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. My arms are around you. Love, June
Dear CK =
Thanks for contributing to the discussion.
The break up of a long relationship is like a death in a way. The big difference is that it never seems so final.
There is always the faint hope that things may work out later.
In some ways, then, it is harder. My condolences to you.
Loved the grandmother story. Funny – I get a small pension from a company where my husband worked for a short time. $94.73 a month. I am now going to think about it differently. It is my walking around money to spend on lunches and frivolous stuff! Thanks for that!
A special gift from him. It seems more important now.
My dearest Juniebug -
How generous of you to comfort our sisters here.
They should know that you are my very best friend and someone I admire for always somehow making lemonade out of the lemons of life.
And what a big part you played in that murder trial in convincing the male jurors that serious abuse justified their deciding her innocense.
I always thought of it as you had lost a life with your husband’s death and saved a mother and her children to live.
I believe that you were divinely chosen to be on that jury.
The other important point you made is that love never dies – even if you find another person to love.
It is unlimited and eternal.
Dear Julie,
I do meditations to quiet myself and calm myself down. I still deal with the pain still. I breathe in thru my nose, hold my breath, visualizing healing lights (pink & purple) going thru my body. I face my pain head on. I surround it with my love. Then, I breathe out the negative energy and the grey matters slowly thru my mouth. I draw in the golden and white lights from God to me, surrounding me. I do that three to five times, until I feel better. It has help. Crying helps heal. Let it flow thru you, embracing it. Do not run from it. I hope oneday, that the saddness and pain will leave. Only the deep love, the warmth, the closeness with your husband’s spirit will remain.
I will hold you and your husband in the light.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
It has been a year for me since I lost my husband. I’m just noticing that thoughts and memories of him, that not long ago made me burst into tears, are occasionally accompanied by a smile.
Dear June:
Your words inspire me so, I am encouraged and hopeful. I have 3 young boys at home with me, ages 11, 14, and 15 months old baby. I get scared alot that my youngest will never know his Dad. That is very hard, I try to just go day by day but when I see them together I cry! My older children are of my first marriage so they aren’t losing there Dad but they really love there step Dad and I know it will be hard on them also. The one thing that is helping me more than anything so far is that I pray continuously, I find that if I am not that I let myself get really down. Some days, I think that maybe it isn’t as bad as they say and he will get better, but I know that is just wishful thinking. But all my life I have struggled with bad relationships and I finally have the perfect one and I keep saying its not fair and all that, then I have to bring byself back to God, he will always be there when there is noone else. I feel that the Love of God with keep the love of my husband alive and with me always
I wrote this not long after my long-time companion died in 1987. Louise Bove
A Definition Of Loss
She noticed the smallest losses first,
After death took him swiftly from her sight.
She would never again hear him whistle,
As he came up the stairs at night.
Familiar footsteps, the smell of tobacco,
The opening and closing of doors not heard
When one is alone. The rustle of papers,
The clink of ice in a glass. Absurd
The thoughts that came into her mind.
That which defines a person’s absence
May be as simple as mold on the marmalade,
A single toothbrush over the sink, evidence
In little things. Time enough in the silent din,
For whatever has begun, to begin.
Hello Everyone,
Yes, It is true that God is the one to hold onto. God does not go away and disappear. He has been in my life since I was a little girl. He loved me, walked with me and carried me at times thru my lifetime. It is my deep faith in God, that I do believe everything will even out and I will be OK again oneday.
It takes alot of courage. It seems that it would be easier to give up, but my spirit does not want to give up. I hold onto my faith.
God bless.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello all -
I love the interaction between all of us here.
What a wonderful community has formed. Keep talking to each other. You can be completely anonynmous and say things here that you cannot share with your loved ones who are also suffering.
Louise, you are a talented poet. Don’t let that strength go.
That is a beautiful and touching poem.
Hello everyone in this wonderful support group!!!
This has help me alot to know I can speak to others about things. It has been ten months. I am moving and downsizing. I look at his hairbrush, his toothbrush, his pocket watch, etc. I will put them lovingly into a drawer. I tell him that we are moving.
I will begin a butterfly garden again at my new place. My husband was so thrilled with the caterpillars and the butterflies.
He was so happy about the colorful finches coming to the birdfeeders.
It was all about the small innocent things that made our life together so wonderful.
Mary (MLB)
Hello,
I burst out crying this morning. I am supposed to be strong and brave. I am supposed to carry on.
I have this void. I know it is not easy. It will take time.
All I can say is “Darn It”……
Mary
Dear Julie:
You are very strong and you are doing all the right things given the circumstances. I am sure you are a wonderful mother and caregiver.
You are so right to look to God for support and encouragement. He will never let you down. I pray that you will continue to be comforted by your faith. Stay in touch.
Love and prayers, June
Hi Corinne,
I just woke up from a dream. I know what the fear is. Being alone. I am packing and downsizing. My husband and I shared in the decision makings together. He was technical. I am intuitive with other ways. Having to make a decision about Cable, Saterllite Dish or Converter boxes sent me into a whirlwind. Just the thought of breaking down and setting my computer, fax machine, the scanner, etc., is sending me into a panic. I will have to label each wire, draw maps, diagrams, etc.!!!! This is just a little humor. I am waiting for a friend to come back from vacation, so I can ask him to help me with these things.
That is what I miss, the sharing, the laughter, etc.
Mary (MLB)
I’m sorry it took me a while to get here.
MLB and Julie–I lost my husband and became a widow on October 2007. I was only 39 years old and we were robbed of the next 30 year we planned on spending together. He died a horrible death from cancer. My two children are robbed of their father and my youngest doesn’t even remember him. She was only 1 1/2.
I know just how you feel. I am tired of making every decision on my own, of having to take care of everything. Corinne found me not long after my husband died and the advice she gives is excellent.
Over a year later it is still painful, but not as bad.
Widows are not supposed to be young. They are supposed to be old, at least that’s how we’ve always seen it, yet here we are.
There are more of us than I ever thought possible. It’s not a club I wanted to be in, but here we are.
I found comfort in friends, families and even strangers, like the people on this blog and those who visited my blog.
One thing that has really helped is that I got very involved in a charity, one that deals with research for pancreatic cancer (it’s what my husband died from). It gave me a cause, something to make me believe his death wasn’t in vain.
Julie–my youngest does not truly remember her father, but I have created scrapbooks for both my children all about their father.
I also felt much better when I was told by a friend of Marcia Wallace’s (yes, the sarcastic secretary from the Bob Newhart Show), that her son has grown up around all the wonderful and loving stories of his father, despite his young age when he died. That is the best we can do.
I also take my children to a child psychologist. I realized that the death of their father was something that I needed professional help to get them through and it has helped enormously.
Sandi
Thank you so much for your story. Every one on here has made things for me alot better, it will never be alright but now when things get bad I try and put my mind into what I can do to make things better for my children and their future.
The scrapbook idea is something that I really like, and I think that I will get started as soon as possible, it is always good to have something to throw yourself into.
I know that I have a lot of hurtache to come and I am not ready but I guess no one ever is. I try to enjoy whats left of our time, and then I do all I can do to keep from crying, it takes it all out of me. Thanks for listening.
Dreams last even when they are gone,
hearts are broken everyday,
try to tell myself it’ll all be alright,
I say things do happen for a reason,
I just wish they didn’t happen like this!
Dearest all of you -
I feel so humbled by your interaction with each other.
This article has become a support to many. Something I never anticipated.
Sandi – you were so important. Most of us are older widows. We needed your voice. Thank you.
Please keep communicating. Because this is so anonymous, we are free to express ourselves.
I send my love and healing to all of you – and to all of us.
Hello everyone,
This is the hardest thing to go thru. I told myself that I would not wish this upon anyone else. The separations of everything. The commitments together. Two people becoming one. The morning after my husband left, I got up. I stood up and found myself leaning to my left. I was wondering why I felt lop-sided. Then,…I realized that my husband was gone….
All our dreams went scattering into the heavens…The future was gone..I had to find myself again. I had to reformat and reprogram myself. I found pieces of myself, that I had forgotten. It is only normal,because making commitments together, we compromise part of ourselves.
Oneday, this past summer, just going to the market and cooking for myself, I got excited. It was about eating a certain way. My husband did not eat anything crunchy, triangular or blue!!! I use to laugh…he ate healthy with me.
Yes, doing charity work helps abit. Giving of oneself, extending myself out of my own skin…But I have to pay attention to my own feelings, also. Try as I have, I cannot run away…from myself.
Moving will help. Setting up a new surrounding. Meeting new people and making new people helps. Pieces of my ownself will return and I can become whole again.I will not be all in pieces.
Hopefully, the saddness will lessen oneday. Hopefully, I will find myself laughing more…I woke up this morning and thought we should have a laughter day and just being silly. I am going to suggest it at my Sacred Circle.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Julie–
I am not artsy or creative, but hospice helped me set up the scrapbook. Contact them. They offer so many services that you and your children can utilize.
Sandi
My fiancé passed away quite suddenly six weeks before our wedding day from a ruptured aorta, the same thing that killed actor John Ritter. In fact, John Ritter passed away two weeks before my Roger and I clearly remember the day it happened. Roger came home from work and stood in the doorway of the room where I was watching a news program announcing the actor’s death, in total shock. I remember Roger saying what a shame it was for such a talented man to lose his life so early. Little did we know that Roger would also be dead in 14 days. Our wedding invitations were sitting on the desk in our shared office in the home we had just bought together. We had decided to go through the guest list one more time that weekend before mailing them. We had both been married before but neither of us had ever found true love or happiness. We were both middle-aged, and it had taken us decades to find this precious, precious love. We had such profound respect for the happiness we had discovered together, and we were filled with such hopes and dreams, despite our ages. We had been friends first for many, many years when fate decided to put us together as a couple. We could not have been happier if we had tried.
The day Roger died was just like any other normal weekday. I kissed him goodbye that morning. We both went to our respective jobs. That evening, I came home and was just starting dinner when the phone rang. It was a California Highway patrol officer notifying me that Roger had pulled his van over to the side of the freeway, and had apparently suffered a heart attack. The young officer was patrolling that particular stretch of highway and had found him clutching his chest, nearly incoherent except for the words “Call Debbie.” The officer had found my phone number in Roger’s wallet. Paramedics had already taken him to a nearby emergency room. Could I have a friend drive me to the hospital? Within the next 48 hours, Roger was dead.
I’m writing this to give encouragement to those women (and men) who are suffering from the death of a loved one. If you had told me at the time that I would get past this horrible tragedy and survive it, I wouldn’t have believed you. If you had told me happiness was still in my future, I would have told you that you were crazy, that it was never going to happen for me, that lightening never struck twice. I would have said that the love of my life was now dead and my chance for happiness had died the day he did. I would have predicted that the years ahead would be filled with loneliness and longing for a man I could never have. Boy, how wrong could I get! I’m here to tell you that there is happiness at the end of the nightmare, despite your circumstances. You see, I am now gloriously happy, married to the most wonderful man, who coincidently started out as a friend and whom I’ve known for 20 years. All the old clichés are true. When one door closes, somewhere else a window opens! Never give up on your happiness. You deserve to be happy and you will be happy again. You are never given more than you can handle. This horrible time in your life will pass and you will find happiness again. You just have to believe! I’m living proof that all things are possible.
Dear Deborah -
How nice to hear a real fairy tale! We need them.
I loved this part. We are going to hold on to it for dear life!
“I’m here to tell you that there is happiness at the end of the nightmare, despite your circumstances. You see, I am now gloriously happy, married to the most wonderful man, who coincidently started out as a friend and who I’ve known for 20 years. All the old clichés are true. When one door closes, somewhere else a window opens!”
Thanks for sharing your story.
You are right. We deserve to be happy and in my experience, it has happened to me.
Not with a new man. With a new me.
Hi Corinne,
We all live in dreams. It is if we allow it to happen. I like what you said about being “a new me”! When things happens to us, we cannot ever be the same again. It is not replacing the one we lost and loved. It is about re-inventing ourselves and growing.
That is why I am simplyfing my life and downsizing. I am going to find myself again! I am “Being better than I used to be!”.
MLB
A week ago yesterday my husband died at a Hospice House. He was 69 and I am 49. We had been married only 6 years but every one of them was wonderful. My daughter called him my “laugher’. We truly enjoyed each other’s company. I feel so tired and the house is a mess. The guest book from the funeral has over 150 names signed in, most of them came back to the house afterward, and he would have thought it grand. Why am I so shocked when I knew he was dying of cancer, and I always knew he was considerably older than I? His personal effects are strewn all over his office and our bedroom in a mad effort made by me and my kids to put together a slide show for the funeral and some photo boards. Such details I never dreamed of until he actually died. And, when I look at the clock I automatically wonder if it is time for his medicine. There is so much food in this house and so many beautiful flower arrangements dying. Some of the cards got separated from the flowers and I am not sure who sent them. I think our credit card bill and water bill may be overdue. I only want to console my kids and myself. I miss him.
Dear Teresa -
I know. It would not happen to us when we marry an older man. I did the same.
We had a wonderful time and traveled the world together. It was a good trade off. Not as many years but quality.
After a week, you are expecting a lot of yourself. It is hard to live in a mess but you can only do so much at this point. You are still in shock.
Try to get the mess in one room. Maybe your husband’s office. Then close the door for a month. Hire a cleaning service to help you. Then you can do the sorting a little at a time.
You do have to pay the water and credit card bills. Sorry, but push through that one burden.
When you are up to it send general thanks to everyone. Nobody expects you to describe the flowers. The funeral home usually has cards they will give you.
My thoughts are with you. Keep in touch and let us all know how you are doing. This is a community here. We know you from our own experience. And we are with you.
My husband died June 2, 2006 suddenly at home from a massive brain hemorrhage. My daughter stopped to have lunch with him and found him in the floor. What a terrible day that was and the years that have followed. We were married almost 40 years – got married at 19 and he died at 59. The aftermath is all consuming and overwhelming – so many things to take care of and that still continues to this day.
Things change and people change. We had friends but mostly we were content to be with each other. Now I am by myself except for my daughter and my grandsons. In fact, my husband did not even get to see our newest grandchild. Our daughter was going to tell us that weekend he died that we were going to be grandparents again. He would be so proud!
For the most part people do not know what to say – they think they know after such a loss but they don’t. They think you will “snap out of it” in a year or two and then “move on”. Soon it will be 3 years – I still wear my wedding rings and his ring on a chain. To this day when I look at his picture he still takes my breath away!
I’m not married yet but I didn’t even know con men existed for the sole purpose of stealing your inheritance (how is that even possible)?
It’s sick to know that some scum out there will take advantage of you during one of the most hard and best of times (depending on how you want to look at it).
Hello everybody,
It is not just the finances or inheritances, one has to watch out for. It is about people that are out there with thoughts, that since we are alone, we are hard up sexually. Sure we are still living and being human…but I have not even begun how to let go of my commitments to my husband. I cannot even imagine being unfaithful to my soulmate. How do one fight the lonliness? Being left behind…my support system with my husband. I try to carry on spiritually, that is all I can do. There are good days and bad days.
MLB
I remember that one too, Mary.
One of my very good friend’s husband called me to see if I was out of scotch – and could he bring some over.
I was horrified. And so embarassed for my friend who thought she was married to this devoted man!
It is hard to imagine, but consider the possibility that along the way you will meet a man who attracts you.
It may take some time. But when and if it happens, it will feel okay and natural.
Anybody else have a comment on this?
It has now been just over a month since my husband passed away. The thank you notes got written and his office is starting to get sorted. The process is very slow but I am coping and the bills are getting paid. I was however shocked when my husband’s best friend asked me to go to a concert with him. What is this? Pity, simple companionship, a date (God forbid)! I am still so grief stricken that I can hardly see straight!
Dear Theresa -
There are two questions to answer here.
1. Would you enjoy the concert?
2. Why are so so damn suspicious of a person’s motivation? Did it ever occur to you that he was just being kind and thought you might like it?
Hey – everyone! Weigh in here.
Teresa,
I understood where you are coming from. I was there. It is just too soon to act and think normal. You lost your life partner. Enjoying myself, I thought I was betraying my husband. How could I laugh? I forgot how. I could not even tell a joke. My best friend took me out for a meditation, but it was no such thing. It was a gathering and the person wanted us to dance to the movement of the music. I was devastated. All, I did was cry.
It is all just too soon. It took me about 3 – 4 months, before I could kind of interact with others in a group. I found a Sacred Circle on Meetup.com for spiritual healing and meditation which meets once a week. It was a good support group. I belong to a Reiki Circle, also. It took another two to three months with hard work on myself to be here in the present. Between both the groups and my spiritual beliefs, I am here.
I stay by myself to grieve. When, I was comfortable, I went to my Circles. I was able to speak at my Sacred Circle and cry. It really helped.
I did not like the feelings of greiving controlling me, so I worked on myself. I reinvent myself, remember myself and build up a new security for myself. I moved into a new place of my own as of January 1, 2009. It has been one year and two months since my husband left. I am still grieving, but with less intensity.
When I have a hard day at work, I feel really blue. I fight with the issue of being left behind to deal with “Shit”….
Luckly, I think I am finding my purpose in life again. Since I am a Reiki I practioner, I want to take Reiki II level, then become a Reiki Master. I am in a Ministry Class, already. Between both trainings, I hope that I can work with Cancer patients to help ease the sufferings. This is the first time, everything started falling into place for me, giving me hope and a purpose. I could not even listen to anything about Cancer after my husband left. I was too angry. I will do this now with clarity to honor my husband’s spirit.
See, it took this length of time to be where I am. I will take some more time before I could think about dating and seeing someone else and being unfaithful to my husband. I spoke to my Buddhist friend about this.
He sent me a message:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers withing yourself that you have built against it.” By Rumi
That is what I will have to meditate on everyday, letting go a little at a time. At the final releasement, then love will come again with joy.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Theresa, maybe your husband’s best friend is missing his best friend just as much as you are. When my best friend died back in 1992, a group of us gathered around her husband who was also our friend. Spending time with the husband helped me to hold on to my best friend a little longer. He was also someone who understood how I felt because he was missing her too. We would spend hours talking and remembering the good things that she had done when she was still alive.
Don’t be suspicious unless you have reason to be. Trust your gut.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworkers last blog post..More Family Patterns of Behavior Means More Awareness
Hello Patricia,
It is grand to meet another lighworker!!!! Yes, Patricia is right. Listen to your inner self. It is speaking to you. Quiet yourself down and listen. Trust yourself.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I AM VERY SAD TO TELL YOU THAT THIS COMMENT IS SPAM. NOT TRUE.
PLEASE DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME REPLYING.
This is a serious misuse of an important meeting place for us.
Her mistake is that she did not know my site tracks the last post of a blogger and displays it. She works for a job site.
Shame on her!
Debi McDonald
deix20@aol.com
24.193.184.205
Submitted on 2009/03/08 at 10:17pm
My husband died Feb.25,2009. I am totally overwhelmed by what I have to do that there is little time for mourning. I am bereft and have to meet these responsibilities left in my care. I am now homeless, penniless and scared beyond belief. I rail at him for leaving me, and leaving me in this situation.Above all, I miss him. All was so fast and furious. Now the silence is deafening.
I lost my husband of 8 years in 2007 and am in my mid-40s. We have a son who just turned 7. It was unexpected and sudden. I handled many things so that wasn’t a change. However we did everything together and were inseparable. I feel so lost still and have been “going through the motions” because my son and I must go on. But I do feel so empty, alone and lost. Friends and family are great but they are not a replacement – nor quite frankly do they need to hear the saddness all the time as that is a burden for them. Everyone says time will heal everything but it certainly doesn’t feel as if it has yet.
I think I understand your comment about friends and family not being a replacement and not wanting to burden them with your sadness. Though my friends were initially absolutely wonderful to me after I lost my Roger, within a few weeks, only the closest of friends were still there and really understood my loss and the sometimes constant need to talk about my overwhelming sadness. You might feel very alone in the world right now. What helped me was digging deep to try and discover things that would help me get through those horrible days. I began a journal. That relieved some of the pain. I allowed myself to cry whenever I felt like it. It releases endorphins which temporarily make you feel better. I walked my dogs twice, sometimes three times a day. I forced myself to watch my favorite comedy movies. I spent a lot of time in the library because I love books. I looked up old friends I had lost contact with. I phoned current friends – I didn’t wait for them to call me. Though I didn’t take up a lot of their time on the phone, I did unburden myself quite a bit and wasn’t afraid to let them know how raw I was feeling. I let out my feelings because instinctively I knew if I didn’t, I’d go crazy. If that meant calling three friends in a row, and letting it all out with each of them for five or ten minutes at a time, then that is what I did. I also made a promise to myself that if any of these friends ever had to go through the same kind of ordeal in the future, I would be there for them. This helped relieved the guilt I felt at dumping on them. Don’t isolate your pain and what you’re going through if you feel it would help to talk to a friend or family member and just let it all out. If they’re really a friend, they will understand. Just don’t go on and on for hours at a time, and rotate the friends you call. That way, you won’t feel you’re burdening any one of them too much and they won’t feel too overwhelmed by your pain. Time does heal you. You never forget, and you’ll have a huge scar on your heart, but you will heal. Rermember, you’re still taking baby steps away from this horrible tragedy, but with each step you take, a tiny bit of the wound is healing. Our hearts can work miracles.
Dear Deborah -
WOW – are you doing all the right things for yourself!
Congratulations.
I know it is hard – especially since friends and family give you about 20 minutes to grieve and then expect you to get on with it.
I love this part of your comment.
“You never forget, and you’ll have a huge scar on your heart, but you will heal. Rermember, you’re still taking baby steps away from this horrible tragedy, but with each step you take, a tiny bit of the wound is healing. Our hearts can work miracles.”
Dear Chris -
I would like to introduce you to Sandi. Her blog is
http://stduffy.blogspot.com/ It is called a Widow For One Year.
Just paste the link in your browser window or go to my blog roll at the bottom of this site and click on her name. It will bring you to her.
Sandi is also a young widow – with small children. She has much to say that will comfort you and make you feel less alone.
She weighs in here often. A wonderful and giving woman.
As you said, healing takes time. Join her journey with her.
Hello everybody,
Here is a message that one of my friends, who is a Buddhist sent to me…Hope it will help….
A Meditation on Letting Go
by Jack Kornfield
If you let go a little you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of happiness. If you let go completely you will be free.
Ajohn Choh
One of the essential tasks for living a wise life is letting go. Letting go is the path to freedom. It is only by letting go of the hopes, the fears, the pain, the past, the stories that have a hold on us that we can quiet our mind and open our heart.
We do not need to fear letting go. We can trust the courage and vulnerability of our heart to meet life as it is; we can rest kindly where we are. As we let go, the tender ground of honesty, healing, and love will carry us through the ever-changing world.
Remember, letting go does not mean losing the knowledge we have gained from the past.
The knowledge of the past stays with us. To let go is to release the images and emotions, other grudges and fears, the clinging and disappointments of the past that bind our spirit. Like emptying a cup, letting go leaves us free to receive, refreshed, sensitive, and awake.
Letting go is not the same as aversion, struggling to get rid of something. We cannot genuinely let go of what we resist. What we resist and fear secretly follows us even as we push it away. To let go of fear or trauma, we need to acknowledge just how it is. We need to feel it fully and accept that it is so. It is as it is. Letting go begins with letting be.
When we learn to let things be, they gradually lose their power; they cease to disturb us.
As we allow what is true, space comes into the body and mind; we breathe and soften and come to rest. In accepting it, we become free. Then we can ask: “Do I have to continue to replay this story? Do I have to hold on to these losses, these feelings? Is it time to let this go? The heart will know.
There is an organic cycle to letting go. We will feel it as a wisdom that knows it is time to move on, to release the past and tenderly, return to the present. When we let go we return to an honest and simple openness.
Let yourself sit comfortably and quietly. Bring a kindly attention to your body and breath. Relax. Let yourself be settled in the ground of the present.
Now bring into awareness the story, the situation, the feelings, the reactions that it is time to let go of. Name them gently (betrayal, sadness, anxiety, etc.) and allow them the space to be, to float without resistance, held in a heart of compassion. Continue to breathe. Ask yourself if it is indeed wise to release this past. Feel the benefit, the ease that will come from this letting go. Say to yourself, Let go, Let go, gently over and over.
Soften the body and heart and let any feel¬ings that arise drain out of you into the earth. Sense how the feelings can be released like water draining out of a tub. Feel the space that comes as you let go, how the heart softens and the body opens.
Now direct the mind to envision the future where this situation has been released. Sense the freedom, the innocence, and the ease that this letting go can bring. Say to yourself, Let go, several more times. Sit quietly and notice if the feelings return. Each time they return, breathe softly as if to bow to them, and say kindly, I’ve let you go.
The images and feelings may come back many times, yet as you continue to practice, they will eventually fade. Gradually the mind will come to trust the space of letting go. Gradually the heart will be easy and you will be free.
With blessings to all,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Corriene, you asked “Why are you so damn suspicious?” when I wrote about my husband’s friend asking me to a concert. Thank you. You hit the nail on the head. I am suspicious…suspicious of everything and everyone at this time. Just 7 weeks now since the love of my life left. I think that it is natural to tread softly and keep my eyes open. I don’t want to make any stupid moves right now like quit my job or fall for the first guy who comes around. Even though, I would love to be free of all my responsibilities and swim in my own sorrow or be held by a man – dreaming it was my husband. I am suspicious – but I will ease it up, simmer down, and just call it cautious. Thanks for letting me see that I am overreacting – I would hate to miss out on seeing The Boss (Bruce Springsteen).
Dear Teresa -
Sorry if my comment seemed a little harsh.
It has been so recent that you have lost your husband that all kinds of weird things go through your little head.
Please don’t miss “The Boss!” It will be a nice distraction for you.
Or send the invitation to me. I would love to see that concert! I hear it is a real EVENT!
I really don’t believe that you will take impulsive steps like quitting your job or latching on to any old guy who comes along. You are FAR too intelligent.
Give yourself a break. This is a very hard time.
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