The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Hi my name is Micki, my husband Garry passed away March 22nd, 2010. He was sick for two years when he died. He had gone into the hospital to regulate his blood sugar and died the next day. His family obtained a federal injunction to take his body from me. We have two daughters 9 and 14. He was 53 when he died and I was 39. We were common-law and were to be married this summer. I had put off the wedding last summer because I didn’t think protecting me from his family was a reason to get married. His sister. my age stalked me on facebook and contacted the father of one of my older daughters. Garry had told his family to leave us alone and the stress was too much on him. His family tried to throw me out of our house, among other things. It’s only been months but I still can’t help the void I feel without him. I taped a picture of him on his side of the bed’s headboard. My friends and family are well meaning and all excellant supports but they just don’t replace him. Some days I hate him for leaving me. Some days I just wish he was here.
Micki, shame on your husbands family.
Keep your chin up sweetie, take things at your own pace, and do what you feel is right and makes you feel better. Pictures on the headboard are nothing are they? At least if you wake in the middle of the night, you know he’s there.
Much love to all you wonderful ladies. 3 weeks till I move to my Dad’s, looking forward to it, yet afraid, but that’s the fun of the journey. I’ve booked my appartment for Valencia in November, what an exciting day that was. I’ve never been out of the country since I was 13, so this is another big step in my journey. I also applied for Uni, looking to do an MA in Philosophy. Martin would find that funny, Norma the Thinker or as my hubby would have put it Bubbles the Thinker. He saw me at most times a typical blonde, really just something to tease me about cause I’m not an airhead (well not most of the time).
My strength goes out to you all, as I know you are all with me. Its been a year since Martin was given the diagnosis. And I thought this day would be hard. Thursday was hardests, because my thoughts went to how much my life changed a year ago.
I’m gibbering now, sorry.
Much love, stay strong.
Normaxxx
Norma, keep gibbering. It’s good for us all to read and recognise the feelings and know we are all in this together. I think you are amazing to go and study. I think my husband thought I was more capable than I actually was. I am still looking at taking over my husband’s business but am petrified that I won’t be able to run a small business because I never have done it. I have always worked with big corporate infrastructure around me and now could be working from home should I chose this route. My husband was self motivated. I want to do it but am not sure I can guarantee I will have the energy and drive. People say not to make decisions when grieving and more it’s only 50 days. But I have this yearning to get back in to life. I am still in Australia with my family and daughter and have needed this time to connect with his family, his church and of course have my family around me. But I still feel I have to get back to HK and set-up a life for us there. I am going up with my dad this weekend to look at apartments and see if I can cope with the triggers of our daily life. Apartment living is not ideal but maybe I need the confined space and tight expat community. I really don’t know but I’ll never make progress unless I try. I keep saying that Steve would want me to be happy and creating a good world for our daughter to grow up in. Leaving his family and mine behind will be so tough but I will have them all to stay whenever they want and I will come down to see them. Life s going to be so different without Steve no matter what, and perhaps making more changes will help me. I am not sure I could live imagine going back to the same home, full of the same belongings, memories, reminders and routine. I definitely feel like I need to create a new space for us. Of course it will have reminders and I expect them to throw themselves at me on a daily basis but I don’t know if I need to stare at them all day. Does anyone else feel like that?
I’ve never really understood, why people say, don’t make any decisions whilst grieving. Blimey, you could grieve for years, so should you put your life on hold?
It’s going to be hard Kate. All I can offer is believe in yourself, like your husband believed in you. You will make choices, not always the right ones, but that’s not unique to you. Do what you feel is right, if you think it’s right for you, it usually is.
Much love
Normaxxx
Yes, do gibber on as she said. I am here at the beach with my folks and having fun but missing Mike so much. I was just talking to him and notifications of new messages on here came into my e-mail. Amazing. I love him so much. I am surprised as how well I have handled losing Mike. My mom probably doens’t think so. But I did live despite losing him. Just wish the depression and diabetes wouldn’t make me want to sleep so much…
Hello friends, Was the Memorial Day holiday harder, ok, or the same for anyone? It was harder for me because we had a routine for that day which included visiting the cemetary to pay our respects to the fallen soldiers and our own family/friends who passed. I couldn’t do it this year. I really miss him and put on a good front for people. It was also a weekend full of graduations and I had to attend those without him too. It’s almost like I feel guilty for experiencing things without him. I want him with me like it was…..
We don’t have memorial day in Australia but I can imagine how hard it was Lori. I find the weekends painful. I never thought I would not look forward to Friday but now I do. I feel like we just fill-in time and try to blend in amongst all the happy families and football dads. I know most families have their pain and hardship but it’s easy to get morose and envious when such happiness has been ripped out from underneath you, far too soon. Thanks for your words Norma, you sound like a great woman (or as we say in Australia “a great bird”) with a positive attitude which will get you to a place where you need to be I am sure.
Night all,
Kate xx
This Memorial day weekend was especially hard and I am not sure exactly why? Mostly it was always a long weekend with Steven to Enjoy and now it was lonely. So many flags which remind me of Steven because he was born on the 4th of July and would be 50 this year. The 4th of July will probably be the hardest for me because it was a day all about Steven and I have to break the routine of watching the fireworks in his hometown, surrounded by his family, only this time without him for the first time in 22 years. Also Fathers day approaching and our 20 year Anniversary..such milestones…all without him. Our 10 year old daughter and I had lunch with his Mother who is 82 over Memorial day weekend and she cried saying how she misses him now that 9 months have gone by. She does not understand why he died and really Nor do I. We struggle with him not having any Symptoms other than maybe a little tired, sore throat- you know the stuff we all get from time to time. I can see she is still searching for answers as I have been as well.
So I am thinking to myself, this is not good- I am going backwards again in my journey. Just when I thought things were getting a little better it just hits me out of no where and I get MAD thinking what a cruel way to have someone you love taken away. No warning and no time to say goodbye just looking into the eyes of the one you love as they slip away and if eyes could talk they were syaing “help me” and sounds piercing my inner core and replaying in my mind like it was just yesterday. So I continue to pray that Peace will work its way back into my heart, mind, body and soul. I have to trust the plan God has for me- but that does not mean I like it- I DO NOT. I want him back just like all of you ladies want your husbands/soulmates back. I never knew the pain others feel over loss- I do now and it has a whole new dimesion. I will forever be more compassionate- so I have gained something but oh what a price to pay. Love to Everyone & God Bless.
Oh Denise you always word everything so perfectly to my life. I hate having to change the beneficiary on my life insurance, I hate having to change the person to contact in an emergency on everything, I hate having to change the title to the house to just me, I hate having to change next of kin at the doctor’s office, I just hate it all. I too am not looking forward to June and the 4th of July for all the same reasons–anniversary on the 11th (would have been 26 years), Father’s Day, his birthday on the 29th, and the 4th of July was always a big deal and lots of fun. Some days I feel ok and then there are the days that really punch me in the stomach.
I agree with you, Lori — Denise so eloquently expresses my feelings, too!
Last Friday I arrived home after being on a 7-day cruise to Alaska with my sister. It was my first (and perhaps my only) cruise, and it was a great experience, but I was constantly missing Don. He had great gusto for life, and enjoyed traveling far more than I. Whenever we traveled together I would get more pleasure from his enjoyment than from my own experience, and I sorely missed that on this cruise. And, when I returned home I crashed into deep grief. That happens every time I go away for a few days. It took three days of prayer to regain my balance.
For those of you of faith, I highly recommend the GriefShare organization. Their Internet address is http://www.griefshare.org. They have grief support groups, books, and daily meditations to help you cope. Here is a quote from one of their meditations: “What do you with the whys?” asks Kay Arthur, whose husband committed suicide. She answers, “You have to lay them at the feet of Omniscience and, by faith, leave them there and say, ‘If You want to show me why, God, fine. If not, I’m going to cling to who You are, and what You promise.’ When you’re asking why, and you’re in the dark, and you don’t have any reasons, you are to cling to Him in hope. He is the God of all hope. The thing that you have to understand is you are here for a much larger purpose than you realize.”
To Lori and Others whose loss was recent: Don’t be too quick to remove your husband’s name from bank accounts. I did this too quickly (about eight months after my soul mate passed away) and then, surprise, surprise, eight and a half months down the line, I unexpectedly received a check with his name on it in the mail that I needed to negotiate but since his name had been removed from our joint accounts, the bank gave me quite a hard time cashing it (because of the sizable amount.) So, be warned: Sometimes doing nothing is the best advice!
Oh my! Good to know! That is something I did not remove his name on yet. All the new things we have to learn. Thank you so much Deborah!
Hello all…I’m finding some peace in reading your posts and was wondering if this is a good group for me to tap into. I lost my husband on April 30th from a heart attack. 3 weeks in ICU on life support and he died May 19th. I’m having a difficult time finding a local bereavement group for 48yr old widows. Any suggestions?
Hi Amy, I am so sorry for your very recent loss. You must have had such a tough time with him on life support. Hopefully this group will be helpful. I only “joined” a few weeks after my husband Steve died on April 13. I have found a lot of support from the wonderful women who write on this site. As I once said it’s a VIP club none of us wanted to join but we are in kindred spirits, or at least connected by similar grief and everyone offers an understanding that so many of our family members and friends sadly can’t provide. I am 42. Steve was 40. We have a 1 year old daughter, and Steve had two kids, now 10 and 12 to whom I am very close, albeit in another city. I am not sure if there are any similarities here but I suppose the upshot is that you have lost your beloved husband, so have I and so have all the others. It’s so unfair and brutal. Life takes on a whole new meaning and a new normal needs to be discovered. I am an optimist and hopeful that the universe will throw something beautiful my way in whatever shape or form, but I do know that I will always yearn to see Steve again and just have to find a way to deal with that deep yearning. I truly hope your pain eases faster than you expect and that you are surrounded by hope. If I look back on week one, two and three, I can thankfully say I have made a lot of progress. Back then I could not even drive a car alone, or sleep in a room alone. Now I want to be alone. Not all the time but I do need it. That’s just one example. xx Kate
Amy,
I, too, am sorry that you have a reason to find your way to this group. It’s a great group, though.
My daughter and I went through six weeks of grief support sessions offered through Hospice after her dad (my husband) died, and we both found them helpful. Her group bonded together so well that they still meet once a month for breakfast and have kindly included me in their group, since my group didn’t bond as well.
Another good site for young widows is http://www.widow.ie. It was started by a wonderful young woman in Ireland, and they even allow older widows, like me, to join them.
Amy, you’ve found probably the Carlsberg of sites (probably the best site in the world), or the one that is found quickly on a search. Sorry I don’t mean to be flippent, but you need a bit of humor whatever stage you are at.
Take on board the words of wisdom we all spout, give us your own words back. Take things at your pace, but don’t forget your husband wants you to live a full life, so make the most of each day. Believe in yourself, and find the inner strength that all women have, whether through faith (for those who believe) or through yourself.
Come back and see us.
Much love
Normaxxx
Welcome Amy. The circumstances that brought us all together are unimaginable to anyone who has not experienced this pain and sadness. I find great comfort in my group friends. I can speak my mind and no one judges me. I can cry and no one judges me. Even though we don’t “know” each other–we really do know each other. I am also a 48 year old widow. My husband had a sudden heart attack 5 days before Christmas. We all know the horrible heartache and loneliness you are experiencing.
I am writing after a long time, although all these posts keep me going. I read all posts daily, and saddened when there is a new arrival, but happy because there is strength that can be drawn from all these great ladies. It’s been a year and a half since my beloved husband passed away with no warning at the age of 39. The pain is still intense. But our two kids (son will be 11 on the 27th June and daughter will be 7 on the 28th of August) and two jobs are keeping me busy. Amy, and all other new ladies who’ve found this place, this forum gives great strength. Hang on!!
Love and Peace
Zulaifa
Thank you to all who have responded to me and especially to Jeanine who posted about Griefshare. I contacted them and they actually run the program at my church. Just one of the many things that I did not know my church did. I know this is going to be a long road and feel very thankful to have stumbled onto this great group of people on the internet. You all have made me feel so wonderful and welcomed.
God Bless…I will let you know how Griefshare went…tonight is the first night! ~Amy~
I don’t know if we have Griefshare in FL, but I am attending a Grief program through Hospice this coming Tuesday evening. I will let you know how it goes. It has been two months already since Paul passed suddenly after a valve replacement. People at work say I am doing great; but I hide it well. I miss him terribly and am soooooo lonely at times. I am also going through a tough time as my daughter-in-law walked out on my 30 yr old son and their two beautiful little boys (2 & 3-1/2 year old) He has not had time to grieve for his dad; now this. Kids are struggling as am I as they are in daycare two days a week and with her only during the day as she doesn’t want to take care of them Monday – Wednesday.
They say God doesn’t give you any more than you can handle; but this is ridiculous. He has way too much faith in me at times. I continue to go to work and carry out my days; but they feel so empty I could scream.
Thank you all for letting me vent.
God bless.
Karen,
When my husband passed away in Feb. 2009 I too experienced more loss and wondered if God really thought I could handle all of it at once. My own health was in question with talk of a heart valve replacement and lots of tests and suddenly my job was in shambles. Thankfully, the heart valve is hanging in there and with medication I have not had to have surgery. The job stabilized with a change of location but I was not put out of work. It all worked out. So, feel free to vent but know that it will be ok. The least we can do for each other is listen.
Teresa, I am so sorry that you went through all that. I guess all we can do is take one day at a time and pray that the next day might be a little easier. I, at least, have stopped hyperventilating for the most part; but still need a sleep aid to get a good nights sleep.
I do really appreciate this site!!
If God has a plan for us why do we pray? I now feel like if I pray it falls on deaf ears because the outcome is going to be Thy will be done, not My will be done.
Some days it feels like we are going in slow motion, but the world is still a blur. I find that even if I’m surrounded by people I still feel so very much alone.
Karen keep venting, thankfully we have each other.
Yes, I feel better venting. But I keep wondering when the “lonely” and “empty” feeling will go away. I am surrounded by well-meaning family and friends; BUT, it certainly does not take the place of my husband. No one can understand the loneliness of losing a spouse that you were so close to for 23 years. My sister will make comments, like, what makes you think my life is so perfect. But she just doesn’t get that I don’t have anyone to talk to at night, sleep with or bounce things off of who will not think me silly. It is really hard unless you are at this point in your life.
Beautifully said Karen.
I know how you feel. I was married to my Mike for 23 yrs. I could talk to him about stuff that only he and I would understand like old tv shows and music from the 60′s and 7y0′s. He was the only one who ever got me.
Here at the beach I think Mike sent me a message Thurs. I was out on the balcony taking a nap in a chaise lounge chair. Before napping I talked to Mike and asked him if he heard me up there and could see me to please send me a message. I woke up and when I did I heard someone knocking on the glass sliding door. I thought maybe it was my Dad trying to get my attention to tell me he wanted me to come in. So I went and asked my folks if they knocked on the sliding glass doors. They swore they didn’t. So it had to be Mike. He must be able to see me as well as hear me and was answering me back. It’s good to know that Mike can see me as well as hear me. That gives me some comfort.
Hi Ladies,
No-one knows what we are going through, unless they have experienced it themselves. Empathy is a fantastic talent, being able to feel for the other person. How can your friends and family empathise with you if they have not gone through it themselves.
My sister doesn’t get it. She has periods of depression, missing our mum, trying to get used to living with her husband again. She’s got no idea how depressing lossing your husband can be, how lonely it is to come home to an empty house, when your motivation in life has been taken away….. I’m sorry you all know this.
I get pissed off at her inconsideration and her self centredness, I can go on…..
Maybe those who have faith, must be tested as like JOB. But in reality it’s not God that is testing you, but the Devil. So keep the faith ladies, God knows you have faith and as a test of your faith you must go through these tests that the Devil has come up with. God is just showing you off as defenders of the faith.
Much love
Normaxxx
This is so true. My sister doesn’t get it either. When I tell her my life “sucks” because I am alone and miss Paul so much it hurts, she replies at times, “What makes you think my life is perfect.” I tell her that you have someone to come home to and eat with and talk over your day! It is SO different. I know that she does not have the king of relationship with her husband that I had with Paul. We were true soul mates and did everything together. You have to be walking in “our” shoes to truly know how much it hurts to lose the one you love and share everything with. I hate when people tell me t hat I was lucky to have 23 years. That to me seems like a drop in the bucket. I am only 54 and have a lot of years left!
I try to remain positive and most days I am getting through it; but there are days that it hurts so bad, I question what I am still doing here.
This site is good to vent and I am glad I have others who truly understand to share my feelings with so I don’t seem as if I am crazy.
Lost my husband May 7th, 2010.
My mind is one large room of sadness. Today was a day for me where keeping one foot in front of the other (from a wheelchair) was the challenge of the day. Really hard to maintain everyday responsibilities. Don’t want to deal with any of it, but have to. Keep going over and over and over the events that led to the end of my husband’s life. They truly haunt me. My husband was told he had a “fractured rib” one and a half years ago. It was lung cancer. What signs did I miss? Why didn’t I question the doctor when he kept complaining of that pain in his left side? They switched his diagnosis on Easter Sunday, April 4th, to pneumonia. Understandable….seemed logical. I believed all the doctors, and they were wrong, and now I’m a widow.
I yearn to talk to him and be around him. I would keep track of all the baseball games he loved to watch. I remember him telling me when he was in decline how he hoped he would make it to the end of the season and I said, “Of course, you will!!!! What kind of talk is that?” Can no longer turn on the tv to watch them; it’s just too painful. I look at his empty chair in the kitchen and cry. Been looking on the internet how to deal with all this grief and sorrow. Pretty much, they all say the same thing. The loss of a spouse is one of life’s most traumatic events and the older you are, the more difficult it is. We were married 32 years. All of this consumes me. Sometimes I don’t think I can take another minute of it, and I just breathe. I see other people living their lives laughing, talking and eating, and here I am so lost and depressed. I go through all the motions each day to keep going as best I can. I prepared myself, as best I could, for what was going to happen, but when it does, you feel like you’ve been hit by a train. The aftermath leaves you devastated and bewildered. There’s no other way to describe it. It’s so hard to speak of him in the past tense. It’s just not real.
Marilyn, I just sobbed reading your post. It’s so unfair. With the proper diagnosis you would have at least been able to fight back. I absolutely love the reference of being hit by a train. That is exactly what it feels like.
Norma, your statement about God showing us off as defenders of faith really hit home as I am really, really struggling in that area right now. Thank you for that. Love to all of you.
Lori,
Thank you so much for responding to my message. I’m new to all of this and really don’t know where or who to turn to. I told my daughter I found a website where I could post my feelings and she thought that was a great idea. Your response meant a lot to me. Don’t know the circumstances of your loss, but I’m sure you are feeling the same way I am right now. My husband’s life has ended, but my love for him hasn’t….it never will. I prayed like I never had in my whole life hoping God could intervene and save him. What is so profound to me is that one week before he died he asked me to pray for him, something he never said to me during 32 years of marriage and we had been through some pretty tough times with a quintuple heart bypass in November of 2000 and a triple bypass for abdominal aneurisms in January, 2007. We got through it all and it wasn’t easy. When he asked me to pray for him on April 29th, 2010, I knew then it wasn’t going to be a happy ending. I, too, am having a problem with my prayers. I’m confused as to why we have to witness the agonizing process of death and then suffer the loss and emptiness that follows.. He was in hospice care here at home for less than a week. We hadn’t a clue that this whole thing was lung cancer that had spread throughout until Friday, April 30th. He had one week to live. My mind is my torture chamber. I can’t let it go and relive every last moment I had with him 100 times a day. To make matters more complicated, I’m currently in a wheelchair due to an injury which has left me homebound for the past 18 months. No health insurance and just became eligible for Medicare this past May. My husband died on May 7th and we would have celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary and my birthday on May 12th. Needless to say, my 65th birthday and our 32nd anniversary were beyond what anyone could endure. Father’s Day is just around the corner, June 20th, and I worry how our only child (a daughter) is going to get through that. They were very attached to one another, and he was such a loving, devoted father. This will be her first Father’s Day without him. And it goes on and on. We have to face our first holidays without him. Oh, dear God, where do I find the strength to get through the days ahead? People say, ” God will never give you any more than what you can handle.” Well, he did. Waking up each day knowing you have another day without your best friend, companion, advisor, and security blanket is beyond what words can say. I don’t know what God’s plan is yet for me. I get scared when I think of the past couple of months and what might be ahead. Fear is another factor that can be incorporated into this mix of grief and sorrow. You are not alone, Lori, with how you feel. Maybe there’s a lot to be said about the saying, “Misery loves company.” I wish you and everyone going through this “process” my sincerest empathy. Right now, for me, I can only talk to people who knew and loved my husband and relate to those who are going through this miserable transition of being without someone you got up every day to be with, talk with and care for. Oprah Winfrey once said, “Live each day as if it were your last.” I did that. Just wasn’t prepared for living each day without my beloved husband. Just know, again, I know, now, what people go through with this kind of loss. Take care.
Marilyn,
I so understand what you are feeling! On June 23 it will be two years since I watched my fantastic husband-of-43-years, Don, take his last breath, after fighting pancreatic cancer for over two years. Even though we had over two years to ‘prepare’ ourselves for such a time, neither of us would/could accept that it would happen. We turned ourselves over to our Creator and trusted that He would heal Don. During those two years He gave us periods of time that were ‘almost normal,’ and we wanted to believe Don was being healed. Of course, the medical system and the rest of the world worked against our faith, since pancreatic cancer is nearly always fatal, especially when discovered at Stage 3 and is inoperable.
The scripture you referred to is:
1 Corinthians 10:13
You have been put to no test but such as is common to man: and God is true, who will not let any test come on you which you are not able to undergo; but he will make with the test a way out of it, so that you may be able to go through it.
I had always thought I would automatically die if Don died, or at least go into an unconscious state of some sort ….. and I may have, if God hadn’t provided me the “escape” that the scripture promises. After leaning on God during the two years of Don’s illness, when Don died I automatically turned to God and said, “I can’t do this, Lord. If You want me to live, You have to take over.” And He did….. and still does. I go to Him with that prayer often. My love for Don is as strong as ever, so my longing to be with him never abates. But, God always provides me with an escape from the agony through Himself. He went through the agony of death Himself, thus fully understands what we are going through, and what we need to endure.
He has also given me an ‘eternal perspective.’ He keeps reminding me that this thing we call life is preparing us for eternity with Him. For me that it will include being with Don again….. fully healed.
I hope my story helps you in some way. My prayers are with you, and with all who find their way to this site.
You have many lovely friends on this site Marilyn. I too have found women who all have a common, although painful, understanding and empathy. I have found a handful of people who I meet in person as well and I do find it extremely comforting, especially as we come from similar walks of life.
My husband Steve was/is Greek Orthodox. Me, not so. I appealed to his faith following his sudden death. His priest in Hong Kong, where we live, has brought me a lot of peace, very quickly. His priest in Australia has as well, but also confusion. We have had a service for Steve in HK and three more in Australia, plus a burial service and a subsequent blessing at his grave site. Some friends have expressed concern about the intensity but I think it has all been beneficial because each one has given me the opportunity to grieve openly in places where it is absolutely acceptable.
When I look back on the weeks following Steve’s death (April 13), I realise that I was practically asking the priests to bring Steve back, to confirm his safety and to assure me he was around us and looking after us. I hung on every word they said.
As more weeks have passed I have had to take more control of my own destiny. There really is not one person who can know what I need at any given minute of the day, nor read my mind or say the right things. I have to tell them what I need or avoid friends who are less understanding, at least for now.
I notice now that I literally make a decision to allow the sadness of a situation drag me down, or push the feelings away for the time being. I do prefer it this way. Maybe time helps that process. I could not have done it in the first month. I hope it lasts but who knows. My 1 y/o daughter and I have been living with my parents in Australia until now, just feeling our way. Today I returned from my first weekend in HK (since we flew Steve’s body to Australia) with my father. I went there to see if I could continue to live there. I caught up with close friends under very controlled circumstances and I bumped in to friends as well. They were all sad and caring but I definitely chose to open up to some with my feelings, while with others I edited my emotions. I simply am not prepared to give some people everything. I faced many confronting scenes.. I drove past the dream apartment Steve should have moved in to together a few weeks ago, I drove past the hospital where Steve spent his last night, I saw our old apartment glaring at me from a distance and I was offered the exact table in a restaurant where Steve and I sat and giggled and held hands a week before he died. In most situations I just spoke to myself or Steve with a sense of humor. That’s clearly my coping mechanism. Everyone has their own. But when I got on the flight and the lights went out, with my eye mask on, I turned to water. Every muscle in my body was gripped by an aching sadness. I wept and wept myself to sleep.
I think I will always give myself these private moments, and I know sometimes they will catch me by surprise, but as time passes I feel I am controlling with whom, and when, I will allow myself to go there.
I love my husband with every one of those aching muscles but I am determined to move on, just as a slightly different person. How can I be the same? I have told my friends I will never be the same. They look sad and tell me the old me will come back, almost from their own fear.
But I do believe that moving forward is the only thing I can do for our daughter, for Steve and most importantly for me. That said, I need all the help I can get so thank you for all your help so far lovely ladies, and thank you God and Steve.
Love Kate
God bless you. I know what you mean as my husband passed on 3/26. No one understands and thinks that life goes on as usual. But as usual is not for you any longer. Things (Everything) is so different.
Hang in there and know that this site has been helpful for me also; just to know you (we) are not alone. It is a hard road; but I know I will get through this and someday have a life again.
Jeanine,
It was so nice to see your post when I checked in. I truly believe that I was guided to this site by my late husband because he knows what is going on here right now with me. We once had a discussion, before he was too ill to talk, saying it isn’t the one who passes on that suffers; but the loved ones left behind. How true. I know he would not have wanted me to mourn for him the way I have been. I think about if I had been the one to die instead of him, would he have reacted the same way I have? I think so….maybe not as obvious as my emotions express. I ask myself how would he have handled all of this? He was definitely the “rock” of this family….the stablizing force that kept everything in perspective. He would have handled it better, I think, than I. This is why I “feel” he has guided me to this site.
I received a notice from the Social Security Office about the widow’s benefit and was informed that “our benefits” are now one benefit. I will not receive the larger amount of the two, but will continue receiving mine (much less than my husband’s) with a widow’s benefit of $300/mo. That will reduce the income about $1,000/mo. Another worry to deal with, but what really affected me was the statement “Marriage ended 5/7/10 by death.” Marriage ended. Another dose of reality for me. I am no longer married. I am a widow. What do you do with that? I was and still am so proud to be his wife, but in the eyes of mortgage holders, credit cards, and banks, I’m not. It’s all so surreal. Will I wake up and find this to be a really bad dream? Not this time. I realize everyone posting on this site has gone through the death of their spouse and it seems most friends and relatives just don’t comprehend what we are going through emotionally, financially and spiritually. They truly mean well, but the understanding of this tragedy lies within others that have experienced this particular loss. My best friend asked me today if the death of my mother was equal to my husband’s. I had to think for a moment and said, “This is different.” I was extremely close to my mother and saw her every day until she died. When your husband is no longer with you, everything changes. Everything. Rooms in your home are not the same. I still can’t go into our bedroom or his office right now. The kitchen changes. He’s not there to enjoy the meals you’ve cooked for him. For me, it’s like I was living in a beautiful garden and now it’s barren. How do you replenish all that you’ve lost? Years and years of companionship, trust, stability and knowing someone really cares about YOU. Then, it’s gone. How do you adjust to that vacancy in your life and find happiness again? I told my best friend yesterday…”You went through a terrible divorce and I saw how you suffered. You and your ex-husband decided that you didn’t want to be together any longer. When your husband dies, it’s not a choice either one wanted. A big difference.”
I thank you for your prayers. I will include all of you in mine. I realize I’m not alone and all of us are trying to survive and adjust to a different lifestyle….one without that person who made our lives whole and purposeful…. the one who made sense of it all…the picture complete. Will post again soon and God bless.
Thanks Karen. Jeanine mentioned the widow.ie site and in my hunger I went on it (thanks so much Jeanine) and found this letter. Hopefully you can click on this link and it will get you there directly: http://www.widow.ie/page11.html
I sent it to my friends before I went to HK and most of them thanked me because they said they really don’t know how to behave with me, especially as I can come across as strong and happy. I honestly believe it did make my trip easier and think I might even send it to all my family and friends here as well. Some of them it may feel like I am asking them to “suck eggs” because they already are emotionally mature and supportive, so I told them I thought the letter was a little too dramatic but that I did identify with many things in it. I left it to them to decide. Karen maybe your sister will gain from it too.
One of my dearest friends has been amazing. She has been one of those people who calls daily, would drop in daily if I asked, but can read the moment well. Sometimes I have to tell her to back off with the social ideas but she is resilient and knows that one day I’ll say yes so she keeps up the pressure, which I admire. She has never married despite being stunning to look at and even better on the inside. Last week we were at a funeral for a friend’s father. A guy from my childhood came over to offer his condolences to me and to tell me that his wife died last year. I was so sad but also happy to meet someone who could understand my feelings. Another member of this VIP club. Anyway as it turns out that after I left the wake my best friend was introduced to him and “love is in the air”. Somehow I feel that her incredible support for me in this situation will help lay some solid foundations in that relationship. She will have a lot of the empathy and experience with loss that he needs in his next relationship. I can hardly contain my excitement for them both, even though it is early early days. Plus she met him at a funeral. Oh this thing called life!! Night x
for those that are flagging, I’m sending you strength. Times will be tough, times will be not so tough, but please stay with us, because we are here to help each other. If you believe in a God, then even if you feel like you’ve been abandoned, don’t lose your faith, it will bring you strength in darker times. God wants you to find your own path, God may guide you along the way, but every step you take will be your own.
I am utterly alone. It’s times like this when friends and family show their true colours. My Dad is old school, don’t talk about it anymore. I wish I knew how he was feeling (mum died 4 weeks before Martin for those who have just joined us) and I wonder if he cries when he’s on his own, or thinks about stuff too hard or if he gets depressed. Anyway, I’m moving in with him in less than 2 weeks. I’ve had no offer of help from anyone to come and help me pack, and I’m even having to pay for a couple of lads to help me move. You’d think I was a stranger in a strange land. Still it won’t stop me being who I am and being there for them when they need it. I wrote a little message on facebook entitled “If I said” but as usual not very many people read it.
I don’t want to bore you, but I’ve copied it here. It said a lot at the time I wrote it.
“Do I need to say the things I feel, to everyone who loves me?
Do I need to express my thoughts, and needs, to you all?
Do you know me well enough, are you able to see past the barriers I put up?
Do you listen when I talk or,do you just hear me?
Do you know when I need your help,like I know when you need mine?
Do I have to spell it out, or can you read the signs?
If I said, I miss my mum, I wish she were here
If I said, I miss my man, I wish he were here
If I said, I feel alone, I don’t feel supported
If I said, you could do more.
What would you say?
I may be a bit off with you all
I may be out of sorts
It’s only because I need your Help
But none is coming forth.
I can’t ask you out right
I can’t just tell you how
It’s not me, but I can see
that I’ll have to spell it out.
I’m moving,can you help?
I’m lonely, can you help?
I’m dying inside, can you help?
I cry every day, can you help?
If I said, I want to die, would you listen or would you just hear me?
I need your help, because you are a friend, or you are family. Its been six months past since my Mum died. I miss her, she was very hard work, when she was alive, but she always knew when I needed a cuddle, her help or even an ear, just to listen. I didn’t have to tell her I needed her help, she just knew.
I need your help even more, because it’s nearly six months, since my Martin died. The love of my life, the most inconsiderate man I’ve ever met, but when I really needed him (like now), he was always there for me. He stepped up at the right time and it was one of the reasons I love him so much.
Now I’m moving, my house is a pit, and I’ve yet to arrange a couple of strong men to help me move. I’m moving all the big stuff 18th June (a Friday) and I need help moving the big stuff. Of course maybe you think that because Norma’s Strong, she’s strong enough to move the big stuff on her own, then maybe you’re not the kind of friend I need right now.
So if you can HELP me, let me know, I don’t expect you to do it for nothing, but I get enough helpers, then I’ll still be able to go out that night, who knows maybe pull.”
It was a bit of a poem, and then me actually asking for help, I know, I asked for help, well not directly but it’s a start.
Much love to you all. Strength coming your way.
Normaxxx
Norma, thank you. This poem says “MOUNTAINS.” I understand it completely. Everyone thinks you need to “ask.” How can you ask when you don’t know what you need?? It is a very hard time that most people, not even family can understand. People offer their help and concern until you really need it. Especially, when your loved one first passes – everyone says, “if you need me, just call.” But there aren’t too many that follow through with this. It is a tough time. Thank you for this post. Hang in there~
It has just been just under 3 weeks since my husband died; I keep hearing people tell me how strong I am and how they are amazed how well I am coping. They wonder aloud how I could have returned to work after only 8 days, how I can go to the park or a movie with my grandchildren, and especially how I can sometimes laugh. Today, my coworkers were surprised when they were planning a dinner out next week and asking who would be attending so they could make reservations and I said I would go. I don’t really know what to say about my grief; do I miss my husband? Most certainly; part of me died with him. I sometimes wonder if I am a callous soul or if I am just in denial—how am I going on day to day?
.
My husband and I had the privilege of each other for almost 45 years. I remember being asked on the occasion of our 35th anniversary if I had it to do over again would I get married; my answer was immediate and took no thought, “Only if it was to the same man.” I know he felt the same way, just today my daughter who is going through an ugly divorce from a man who left her for another married woman, said it must be “preferable” at least knowing that my husband’s last words were to tell me yet again how much he loved me than to be left feeling like you have been tossed out with the trash. I suppose she is right to some extent though I am not sure there is anything “preferable” about losing the most important part of your life. I was always first and foremost a wife so now I am not sure who I am.
No one knows that some nights the only way I sleep is to embrace the urn containing his ashes. They don’t know that each morning I tell him I love him and kiss my fingertips and touch them to his earthly remains. I can’t even keep track of the number of times I reach for the phone to call him just to hear his voice. Sometimes I think I am going crazy. There is a part of me that has actually even considered an offer I had to go for coffee or dinner with an acquaintance who is a widower whose wife died a couple of years ago. He thought that our similar situations and experiences could be shared and that it might help; but even though the offer was made strictly in friendship, I was prevented from agreeing due to a sense of betrayal and guilt, you see I still feel married – I haven’t grasped this widow bit.
My situation might be slightly different than that of many of you on this site; Dave was quadriplegic due to an infection in the C5-6 vertebrae that abscessed and cut off the blood supply to his spinal cord. He also had several other medical complications; he spent a year in hospital and then came home with me and I was his caregiver. As his condition deteriorated further he decided that he could no longer stay at home with me providing 24 hour care on my own and he opted (against my protests) to go into a long-term care facility. He spent the last 3 and ½ years in care; so in that time, I have adjusted somewhat to his not being at my side when I go to bed or when I wake in the morning, to cooking for one instead of two, to the hollow sounds of the house and to feeling alone. At first, lots of our friends were there for support; they visited Dave and called me but as so many of you have found we live in a world of couples and so my being alone took on new proportions of loneliness when the phone and doorbell stopped ringing. I suppose I resent that to a degree but I also understand that our situation was one that makes other uncomfortable; people don’t know what to say or do and I think it is also frightening for them as they have to face the ideas of illness and mortality head-on.
My husband once told me that his illness was his own little hell but that it placed me in purgatory I didn’t really understand this until he explained that he knew where he was but I was trapped in purgatory—I was no longer a wife in the sense that we had been and yet I wasn’t a widow either. In the past several years I was informed on 8 separate occasions that I would probably be a widow by the next day and yet it seemed Dave was always able to rally. A couple of weeks prior to his death, he told me he was ready and that he had had enough; it seemed strange in that medically he seemed to be doing better than he had in a months. I suppose looking back on it, I should have known that his time was at hand; he was always a determined man and if he said he was going to do something, you could be sure it would happen.
When did my role really change is my grief and sense of loss different because we were involuntarily separated by his illness for so long? Have I actually attained a level of acceptance that normally wouldn’t happen for a years? I have to some degree gone through that horrible year of firsts—I know what it is to cook Christmas dinner for one, to sip a glass of wine and toast our anniversary alone and to watch our friends slowly fade into the shadows. I have spent years losing touch with other aspects of my life; being a mother, a sister, a grandmother, a friend, etc. in favour of focussing only on being a wife and caregiver. I spent as most of my waking hours when not work either caring for, or visiting with, my husband. Outside of that, I basically did only those things that “had to be done” so now I have to struggle with who I am and how to re-establish other parts of my life. The big question is how do I do that and do I really want to? Much of my time is spent yearning to be with Dave but I know that he would expect more from me. He told me I could be a “weepy wife” when I was on my own but that I had to remember that I was the mother of our children and I needed “to suck it up and be strong for them”.
I guess what I am asking, is how do I start on this journey of discovering me; did I stumble unknowingly onto the path a long time ago or am I avoiding looking down the road? Right now I feel something that I can only describe —I feel selfish and unfaithful that I am able to get up in the morning and go to work, that I can dance with our 3 year old grandchild and that I think that there might be some happiness yet to come. I feel Dave’s presence in all I see and do and yet I move on rather than stopping and letting that presence consume me. Is there a time when one can actually make a decision, pursue and activity, laugh again, reminisce about the good times and not feel badly about it?
Gina,
Read your post and please accept my sincerest condolences. My heart goes out to everyone who is communicating with others here to share their sorrow and love for their departed husband. I know your husband passed a few weeks ago….my dear husband passed on May 7th, 2010. I don’t think you are being selfish at all. You went through a long process with your husband’s illness. You were always first and foremost his wife and now you don’t know who you are. I can truly relate to that statement. Even though you have had a “trial run” of what it is like to be thrust into this abyss of loneliness, it doesn’t change anything as far as the finality of his departure. My wounds are still fresh, but then again, time does not determine how quickly the wounds heal. I’ve decided that time will not dictate when I will be “o.k.” or be given the appropriate amount of time to grieve our loss. I’ve decided that I’m never going to get over this horrible event and I feel better knowing I don’t have the pressure to “get over it” by the standard of others. If you feel all right to go to a movie….go for it. We all handle our sadness and loss differently. After so many years together, we shouldn’t have to feel guilty over what we are doing to cope. I’m new to all of this, as all of us are. If you do something nice for yourself and it makes you feel like you’re going to survive the day or night, God bless you! Right now, I seek solace through communicating with my friends here and my daughter.
I also have my husband’s urn here. Our daughter made a beautiful memorial over our fireplace with pictures of the family over the years, his special hat, a musical gift she had given him many years ago of a clown (he loved clowns) and flameless candles that glow. My son-in-law thought it was a little overdone, but then again, to each his own. This is what our daughter and I wanted for him and he knew we were going to bring him home so he could be with us….that’s what he wanted and that’s what we wanted. We really don’t have to answer to anyone for what we do to get through our new role. I’m not doing well with my newly bestowed title of “widow.” It isn’t what any of us wanted, but here we are. Writing down my thoughts and feelings with others going through life without their hubbies helps me to maintain what sanity I have left. I know one thing….our husbands would have wanted us to stay strong and certainly not go through the grief we are enduring. I’m so glad I found this place to go to and I hope it helps you as much as it is helping me.
Trust me you are in denial. After a yr I am still in denial that Mike passed. I still can’t believe he is gone. Then other times it is like he was just something I dreamed up and never really existed. We’re here for ya and everyone else on here too.
Btw, my cousins church is having the Griefshare on Thursdays so I am going to that. Blessings to all and hope things go well for everyone…
I look forward to reading all the posts from everyone. They are comforting and bring me some peace. Sadly, we are bonding with one another under circumstances none of us ever thought would bring us together. I’ve read a lot of the previous posts and realize now I am not alone on this journey through hell. I feel like I’m on a sinking ship and all of you are my life preservers. I did read the letter on the http://www.widow.ie/page11.html website and found it to be an excellent guide for family and friends to help them help us, never realizing how difficult it must be for them to understand what this is all about. My twin sister, God bless her, just does not know what to say to me or how to act around me. Awkward. She told me yesterday, she doesn’t know what to say, so she doesn’t say anything at all. I read her the letter and I think she had a “lightbulb moment.” I hope so, anyway. The person most aware of my feelings is our daughter. She “gets it.” Of course, she is also going through her own process with losing her dad. They were extremely close, together every day, and we are, fortunately,” on the same page,” holding on to one another during this miserable time.
Posting with my friends here, I realized how difficult it must be to have young children still to raise without your husband, also your children to be without their father. My daughter is 31 years old, married twice, with one grandson from her first marriage. I’m grateful my husband was able to be there for her during childhood and part of her adulthood. She told me today, “I can’t believe I won’t see daddy for the rest of my life here on earth.” We are both thinking about seeing a medium to help us know that he is all right and proud of us, so far, trying to live without him. If any of you have had experience with this, please let me know. Been reading books about the afterlife, one being Talking to Heaven by James Van Praag; another titled One Last Time by John Edward, which I haven’t read as yet. Some of the material has helped me understand the physical and spiritual transition, but nothing relieves the yearning to see and be with him, having those late night conversations about family issues and daily events. At times, I’ve had to pretend that he is on a trip and will soon return, but there are no phone calls to tell me he is o.k. and will be home soon. It’s crazy what you do to get through your days and nights without him. I’ve written a poem that I’d like to share with all of you and I hope it doesn’t bring you any more sadness than what you are feeling now….
Oh, where do I go from here?
My husband’s life’s been lost,
I want to have him back again,
no matter what the cost.
Oh, where do I go from here?
with confusion and despair,
To face my life without him,
is very hard to bear.
I search my soul for answers,
to conflicts I now face,
Can find no satisfaction,
For now, there is no place.
Without him, life is empty,
a desert, no embrace,
To hear the words, “I love you, Mare,”
to see his handsome face,
would mean more than all the treasures,
the world could offer me,
For my husband is my blessing,
to my heart he has the key.
Do you think that he can see me?
I really do not know,
Right now I bask in memories
and love from long ago.
Oh, where do I go from here?
When will darkness turn to light?
I have to keep on going,
and continue with this plight.
Our devotion is eternal,
my heart without regret,
Our marriage was our creation,
love’s foundation forever set.
Will close for now and check in tomorrow.
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