The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Hi Cheryl:
I know exactly how you feel. It will be one year on March 5. Memories are so absolutely dear and clear. I do so much wish there was a way to have phone conversations because it would feel so much different than typing, but I do agree, this is a wonderful outlet. Thank you again Corinne.
Cheryl, have you tried putting a picture of your ‘Baby’ on your desktop. I have pictures of my Larry in ‘my pictures’ and when I right click on one of them, I then sellect ’set as desktop background’, and my Sweetheart greets me every day whenever I sit down at the computer.
It’s just a suggestion and it helps me feel his presence. For some, it may be a bit much, but then again, different strokes for different folks.
Take care of yourself and Love and Light to you always. Terre
Thanks for the suggestion. I had added a picture of him to the wallpaper I had on there which was a wallpaper I had done up of the stars I am a fan of. I hated to quit using it as I loved it so I incorporated Mike in it so I ca see him too. Thanks for your support.
My mom drove me crazy earlier. I was mentioning about how I thought he should not have died etc and she told me “It’s been a yr get over it”. I told her that was a horrible thing to say etc and gave her a fit for it. Didn’t mean to get so upset but I just can’t take it anymore. She means well but I just can’t take it…
I had another nightmare about him being alive when I thought he was dead. This time he was driving my car even tho he was legally blind and I could not stop him & he got into a wreck. I was so mad at him in the dream and woke up from it upset and freezing cold.
I am sick of the nightmares about him and sick of him being dead. I want him back. Sigh. Feels so good to vent here. Sorry to dump on ya’ll…
Dear Cheryl,
I am sorry that you are having a low day. It is very hard when others are insensitive or harden. I had a few of that myself…”You still at it”?…”Did you not find someone else yet”? And yet there are some that see the deep love that we carry. They could see it. A couple of my co-workers told me that they could see the love that I have for my Barry.
One time, I called Barry’s cell phone number so I could hear his voice…but I found that Barry had changed it to an automatic voice mail. I was so devastated. I loved Barry’s soft voice. Luckly, I have a DVD of our wedding with him reciting his wedding vows to me. We wrote our own vows. We had the most beautiful spiritual wedding at a Buddhist Temple. We did a “Sand Ceremony”, also. No one can divide us apart. The grains of sand is forever together. All of our guests were crying.
With Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Thank you for letting me share this with everybody.
My mom doesn’t mean to be that way. She later came and told me she was sorry and why don’t I lay in the bed with her. I didn’t cuz I was comfy in the lazyboy chair. I fell asleep and had another dream that Mike was alive and I just found out. I want to have more of the good dreams about me going places with him and not the nightmares. Some folks have told me too that they could see the love Mike and I had. Even tho there is a verse in the Bible that says you are free to remarry when you hubby dies, in my heart I will always be married to him. Thanks for your support everyone…
Cheryl,
In the Bible it does say that a widow is free to remarry, but it also says that Paul believed a widow would be happier if she did not remarry. Therefore, there is scriptural support for both those who choose to remarry, and those of us who choose not to remarry.
You’re right. I had forgotten what Paul said. I believe it is whatever makes someone happy. If they want to re-marry fine and if they don’t fine. It’s your choice. Hope I didn’t make it seem like I thought the Bible said we were to re-marry. Sometimes I don’t word stuff right.
I’m doing some better now. I just hope I don’t have anymore nightmares in my sleep…
You and the others inspired me to do a new wallpaper with my stars in it and a nice big pic of Mike in it. Mike is in the middle and the pics of the stars are around the top bottom and sides kinda framing him and then a frame around it. I think it looks better than the one I had up there which was one of my stars where I added a pic of him to it. This new one so makes him the focal point. I need to get back to sleep…
Cheryl,
I hope you enjoy your wallpaper of your Mike as much as I enjoy mine of my Don!
You worded your message just fine. Perhaps mine came across sounding differently than I meant. I was just wanted to point out that the Bible shows that our Creator supports whichever route we choose, to either remarry, or not.
I hope you were able to sleep well, with no more nightmares.
The wallpaper if nice of him with my stars and I am loving it. Nor more nightmares so far but I know I will have more. I watched some of the SuperBowl even tho I don’t care for sports, not only to see the Who sing on there but to pay tribute to Mike. He never missed a SuperBowl and this is the first one he has missed. I know he was praying and guiding the Colts since he loved them…
Cheryl
What do you have nightmares about my Dear one?
All
Superbowl Sunday was hard as that is when I was engaged 22 years ago. I relish in all the happy memories but long for my Steven. It will be 6 months on the 9th and it seems I miss him more with each passing day.
God Bless
Hope you didn’t think I was having nightmare about your hubby. I have them about my dear Mike sometimes. I dream he came back to life and I am mad at him for dying on me or either I dream he was alive all this time and I never knew about it and I’m mad at him for not telling me he wasn’t dead. Very scary. I love the good dreams about Mike tho…
Hi Cheryl
I understand your nightmare comment now I guess I missed a few of your posts. Rest assured Mike is in a better place for Gods love is inescapable. He is not suffering and would not want you to be in such pain and suffering. There is everlasting life and you will be together one day. Earthly life is so short compared to Eternal life. The more profound love you feel for someone the longer and more painful the temporary seperation will be, but remember it is just temporary. Mike knows you are not mad at him for leaving, it was not by his choice. I know how hard it is to miss someone, to long for them and want them to be alive on Earth. Don’t ever lose hope in your earthly existence for Mike will always be in your heart and he knows how much you love and miss him. Love never dies it only gets stronger. I will pray that Peace enters your sole a little more everyday and one day it will all be revealed why Mike has gone before you. God Bless
Hello Cheryl and everybody,
I just got home from work. There was a big eposides between a couple. They met a while back after his wife passed away. This new woman is very processive, dominating and abusive. She has some issues for sure. The reason as to why I am telling this story is that I told the man…that my husband always appreciated and wonder about the unconditional love that I have for him. My Barry stated that I never told him “I love you, now change”! I miss my Barry more and more as time goes on. I hold his love for me in my heart dearly.
I am going to try to concentrate on fixing up the second bedroom, which is my office. There are boxes still packed from moving. The Buddhist robe that he wore at our wedding, I want to hang on pins of some kind on the wall. I have pictures that belongs to Barry to hang. I have a picture of him, when he was 25 years of age. He was so cute. I have pictures of Barry and I all over. I have our Wedding Certificate in Chinese. I will hang that up on the wall, also. This is a dedication to our love together. As to someone saying that we should put the pictures away…well we do not have to!!!! Just because some time went by or the two year mark came and went…it did not erase the love that we carry. I believe that if love ever comes to us, again….it would take a different turn and a new path. There is honor and respect on each one of these paths.
Cheryl,
Quiet yourself down. Do not fight so hard. Meditate. Listen to the inner self. You will hear. Put your love that you and your husband have together up front. It is very hard with grieving. I did not like the grieving to control me. I do not like situations or others to control me. I went to see a physic reading. Thru it I let my Barry go. He was waiting for me. He was not all the way into the light. Because we were soulmates, we had made so many vows and promises to each other. It was like a shackle holding him. Because of our love, I freed him to continue on his journey with God. True, I said at times that I did not love him or that I am so angry with him…but it is our ego being speaking. I know that my Barry will be there waiting for me with open arms, when I am finally called. I cry, but the love carries me thru. Be brave. Be GGP…gently, graciousfully and peacefully as you walk thru your life.
Peace and love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Greetings ladies..new to the club, my husband died on Sunday, Jan. 7, 2010 after a long illness. He fought a couragous battle for the last 3 years but suffered so much. It was so hard to let go, but the pain I saw in his eyes was unbearable. My daughters and I are in shock because he had no contingency plan…he WAS going to beat this cancer! So, now I’m searching for direction, no family and hopefully lovely ladies that can cyber guide me thru the most difficult time in my life. We were married for 24 years, have to daughters 21 and 23 one has a birthday on Friday…shitty! But there is not a good time to die! Like most I consider myself intelligent, I worked at our company that he founded with a partner and not too sure how I fit into that now…but it is our source of income…OMG to much to think about and do!
Nice to have a venue to vent…thank you!
Hello Liza,
I’m sorry you have a reason to go looking for a support group like this, but am glad you found this one. My husband also fought a courageous battle with cancer, pancreatic cancer, for 27 months. We both prayed to beat the cancer, but it wasn’t to be. He died in June 2008.
As you probably know, if you’ve read through past posts, my main “coping mechanism” has been faith and prayer……. and LOTS of both! In addition, my daughter and I attended a six-week grief support group through Hospice. We met once a week and learned about the grief process, plus connected with others who were going through similar emotions, etc. It definitely helped.
Hopefully your daughters will be as much a comfort for you (and you for them) as my daughter and I have been for each other. My son and his wife have also been wonderful, but live over 60 miles away, whereas my daughter lives just a few blocks away.
Your involvement with your company might be a beneficial distraction for you. My husband and I had recently retired, so I plunged myself into volunteer activities to get the distraction I needed, plus the contact with other people that I would have avoided otherwise. In addition, I became involved in several Bible study classes in order to get the direction and guidance I so desperately needed.
It has now been over 19 months since my man went to be with our Creator, and I am still eagerly looking forward to the day that I can join them, but am also able to appreciate each day I have here in a way that I never understood before he died. I am thankful for Internet discussion groups like this, as they have also been a helpful…. sometimes in a strange way…. but definitely helpful!
Feel free to vent all you want…… we are here to ‘listen,’ and I hope we can give you some ideas that can help you.
Hello Liza, Welcome aboard. You are free to express yourself here–you are among friends. My husband of 25 years died Dec. 19th it is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I miss him more each day. I am very thankful for this site because I know I am not alone.
God Bless,
Lori
Hi everyone,
i know this is a site for woman who’s husband have died… but my father died 3 1/2 years ago. While ive been given the tools(and worked very hard) to cope, i do worry about my mom. She and i have talked very recently for the first time about his death, im really proud of her being about to do that and i know she feels the same about me, but id like to understand more of wheres shes coming from. Theres this one thing that just sticks out to me and id love some incite, she still counts the years that have passed without him towards her marriage. Now i have no idea if anyone else does that, if its ‘normal’ or if this is a bad sign and she needs to see someone. Im really at a loss, so thank you and god bless
Liz
Dear Liz -
You probably know I write other articles besides this one.
A young woman asked a similar question and I put it on my blog.
Perhaps you will get some comfort from the kind people who suggested thing to help.
Just copy the link below into your browser and it will bring you to the article and the comments.
And God bless for caring.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/grandmother-is-grieving-advice-needed/
I just lost my husband on Jan 25th and I also lost my dear sister on Jan. 8th. Double whammy. How devestating to have such a great loss in such a short time frame. You are right, people have so much advice and offer so many suggestions, most of which I ignore. I know what is best for me, at least I hope I do. I miss my husband dearly and I am not ready to make him just a memory, nor my sister. They were real people who made a mark on this world and I know they touched a lot of people’s lives. I Miss Them!
Still grieving,
Monica
Hi Ladies
Monica – anger is OK, like you I lost 2 dearest and nearest 4 weeks apart. My mum passed away 5th November and then my husband on 1st December. I know your pain and I feel your anger. Stay strong, it’s never easy to mark the passing of a relative let alone 2 so close together. You’ll get there in your own time. Here you will find great support, from those who take strength from their faith and those who are strong without it. I’m the latter, but I respect those who are strong in their faith.
Liza – good to hear that you found this site, it has been a great place of support for me, even if I don’t always agree with how others handle their grief, who am I tell someone else how to handle it. Thankfully we are all different which will give you a wide broad prespective on how we deal with our grieving process. Stay strong.
MLB – you are a darling, I agree with you regarding photos. When ( I wanted to write If, but trying to stay positive), I meet someone else they will have to deal with the photos’ of Martin I still have up. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to put them away and if any prospective beau asks me to, then he’s not the right man for me. I love the idea you have for making a tribute to your husband, I just wish we could all see the finished product. May the light of your life always shine and guide you through the darkness.
Much love to all and stay strong ladies.
Normaxxx
Welcome to the new folks. So sorry about your husbands and loved ones. I had a couple more nightmares about Mike where he was alive for a yr & I did not know it and was mad at him for it. I wish the nightmares would stop. I love him so much. I did have a few other good dreams where I went places with him like shopping and eating out. I want more of those kind of dreams and not the nightmares. I will never not display my pics of Mike. I am proud to sleep with a little pillow I bought in the dollar store after Mike passed that has where you can put a pic in it and I have his pic in it. I call it Mike Pillow or Pillow for short. And also sleep with my stuffed dog and 2 reindeer and a bear with a pic of Mike in a holder around it’s neck. They are my babies. Love you Mike…
Hi everybody,
I went into work a couple of hours this morning. I take care of seniors citizens at a facility for the last 25 years. I made a strawberry sauce for the ice-cream sundaes. We are celebrating Valentine this whole weekend. I came home and cried a bit.
I find that not all people understand. Some say that it is two years and I should be over it and move on. I have a memory lapse of my past living. I remember certain things at times, then I cannot remember other things until someone brings it up. I am living in a time warp of some kind. Maybe it is because my Barry’s and mine souls touched each other. Maybe I saw a fragment of the light with him.
Anybody else out there that experience this?
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Mary
One of the most amazing things on my grief journey is the reponses of those around me. People simply do not like to talk about the one who has passed and I act as if Steven is still with us, even though it has been 6 months. I believe his soul hears and see’s everything and he is and will always be in our heart and in our thoughts. I have been told this is unhealthy, but my soul tells me otherwise. The soul connection with him has not been lost, Love never dies and will never be severed. People are afraid to think that they too may pass suddenly and/or unexpectedly, so they simply just do not like to think about it or talk about it. I find this so hurtful. I also do not like the words death or died- the correct term is passed. People think talking about the person you lost will “make you sad” but instead it is essential to feel the emotions in order to heal the open wound. If they are not willing to help you heal (like we are on this site) know you always have us. Some even act “immortal” like passing will never happen to them- now that is unhealthy!! They may be selfish and not want themselves to be sad. Everyone needs to be prepared from passing this earthly life. Try not to be offended for these people need to be pittied, they either have not loved so profoundly, they have not lost or they are simply put spiritualy dead. I want to talk about Steven, I want his daughter to always remember him and know that she can talk to him at any time (she just can’t see him). For those who think “seeing is believing” do not understand … “believing is seeing”. You can say goodbye to the physical body and the relationship you once had, but you need never say goodbye for good, for the souls will always be intertwined and the Love you feel may often time grow deeper as time passes. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.
So on this Valentines Day Friends, the first one without the Love of my Life (and the same for many of you regardless of the years that has passed), I wrote a special Poem and copied our Wedding Song -Always & Forever” onto a sheet of paper with his picture and I will leave it at his grave. While that part of visiting the grave is not necessary – I do it because it helps me heal. It is not necessary because really all you need to do is read or pray your words next to a bright light (like a candle) and your loved one, I feel, will hear your words. I do not care if people think I am crazy- I am far from it. I am spiritually alive and that is a good thing I am blessed. This pain that has wripped my heart apart has left me with wisdom, compassion and Love for all of you. I would not understand if I had not lost, we are blessed to have one another!
So strength and Love to you as you all as you find your individual ways to cope with this weekend of Valentines Day. My prayers are with you all- God Bless!
Wow, Denise, such words so full of wisdom that relates to all, believers and non believers both.
I’m with you on this. Others can’t tell you how to feel or when to move on, it’s down to us to decide that.
MLB, you shouldn’t worry, you’re not in a time warp, your soulmate has “passed” (sorry Denise, sometimes the time comes to acknowledge, death) and you miss him. With age comes memory loss (sorry no offense intended) so in the natural order of things its appropriate to remember some things and then need to be prompted by everyday things.
I cry so much easier than I used to, but I cry at other things and not at the loss of Martin. It’s like I’m compensating for the promise I made him. On the day of his funeral service, before the coffin was loaded in to the hearst, I made him a promise that there would be no tears, just happiness. Not at his death, but for the life he had even if it were only 46 years.
And then I cry at the oddest of times, because I miss him and usually when I’m on my own. At work today I had to fill in a few more people who hadn’t heard and I’m finding this OK and easy to handle. The hardest thing is the reaction to the news. Not my problem really.
It will be 16 years on Sunday since I meet Martin, and next year it will be 17 years, just like it will be 14 years of marriage in August. Just because he’s gone, doesn’t stop me counting the length of time I knew/know him, because he will always be with me, 2 souls intertwinned.
Stay strong my lovely ladies.
Much love
Normaxxx
Wow, day 5 since I lost my husband and who knew there would be so much to do! So many decisions…OMG!
Memorials, tributes, dinners, “arrangements”…yuck…I just want to crawl into a hole and ignore the world..just don’t understand why the sun still rises everyday..I thought maybe 100 people at the memorial, and 60 people at the tribute reception…too many emails stating I should expect over 300 at the memorial and over 100 at the tribute reception…shit I wish my husband had left me a plan…what the hell he would have wanted..but not so much! So, planning events, when all I want to do is hug my girls and cry….it’s nice to hear all your positive comments via my email box…you help me realize that this too shall pass and maybe sometime soon, my positive nature will prevail! Wow, this should not be so hard…WWDD (What Would Daddy DO)?
Ok–today is a terrible, horrible, very bad day. I don’t know if it is because Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and I have saved every card from him for the past 25 years, or if I recently have had too much time on my hands, but everything is making me sob today. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my life back. Please–stop the world, I want to get off! I just want my husband back, my kids just want their dad back! This is so unfair.
Lori
I have been having the same kind of day. I am going to keep it short because I can’t offer a whole lot of encouragement I am at my weakest point. Let me say I know how you feel and I feel the same …I want him back and feel your pain to the point of feeling physically ill where I want to vomit. You are not alone…
Hello everybody,
My Pastor told me that I am OK. I am not insane or lost my mind. I do not have alzheimer. I am just going thru deep grieving and it has to take its course. There is no time limit or answers as to when it will end. I know when we love someone deeply, it does have an effect on us. My Barry has been the first one lost thru death on this plane. It is because I connected to him spiritually. My Pastor told me that so many people wish they had spent lifetimes looking for that kind of love.
So…be gentle on yourselves. Be gracious on yourselves. Be patience on yourselves. Love yourselves and remember. It will be OK.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello everybody,
The movie that I was trying to remember came on TV tonight. It is called “City of Angels”. I watched this movie with my Barry. It made an impression on me as to what it is like to be human.
Mary (MLB)
To Mary (MLB)
I also have experienced lapses in memory. I think I must have lost at least six months or more of “writing to the hard drive” right after my Roger passed. I moved through life experiencing events that I have no memory of experiencing. People tell me I did this and that and we went here and there, but I have no memory of any of it. I’ve been told that it happened because I suffered a terrible shock. The mind goes into a kind of preservation mode and isn’t interested in taking in more than it can absorb which explainsmy huge gaps in memory around the time Roger passed away. It was both a physical and mental shock when Roger left me. I went around for weeks thinking it was just a nightmare and like others on this site, I voiced my feelings of despair out loud. I repeated things like “I want him back” and “When will I wake up from this nightmare?” I think I did this in the hopes that some omnipotent power would hear me and return Roger to me. Never mind the fact that he had been cremated. I actually thought that if I wished hard enough, Roger would come back to me. One of my favorite movies before Roger died was Return To Me, but it’s been nearly seven years, and I still can’t bring myself to watch it. Roger passed away approximately two weeks after John Ritter died and only now have I been able to watch anything with John Ritter in it because it reminds me of that terrible time in my life. I’m still protecting myself. I wonder if this will ever go away or will I live out the rest of my life experiencing many reminders of his passing? I hate to even drive by the funeral home where Roger’s memorial service was held because it might bring back feelings of intense pain and sorrow. Seven years have gone by and sometimes it feels as if he passed away last week. Other times I can go for several hours and not think of him, but I have no control over those times when I am suddenly bombarded all over again with the pain of losing him. I remember wishing that I could have just one more phone call with him. I actually wished that everyone who had lost someone they loved could be granted one final conversation with their loved one. Since it never happened, I don’t know if this would actually have helped me process losing him, or if it would have made it even harder for me to let go. Maybe that’s really it. Each of us is being asked to let go of someone we loved intensely, and like a six year old, we’re stamping our feet and crying “No, no, no. Why should I?” How do you ever really let go?
Beautifully said Deborah.
Denise, How did Valentine’s Day go? That was a tough one.
Hi Lori
I am so glad Valentines day is over I survived it but hated every minute of it. Not having Steven here I definitely went backwards in healing- lots of anger. I saw a man at the mall today who was 6′3″, about 190 pounds, blonde hair with the same jacket as my Steve. For a minute I about lost it and I raced to see his face and he was not handsome like my Steven- it was not him. Gosh I do not want to feel this way anymore -guess I don’t have a choice, still hoping for some brighter days!
How about you? Are you feeling any better?
Denise
I, also, have had memory problems. Often I feel like I’m slowly coming out of a deep coma of numbness. During the 27 months following my Don’s cancer diagnosis, all I focused on was getting him healed. I could not fully accept that he was dying, right up to his final breath. It just was not possible to me that he could die, so I couldn’t accept it. It has been twenty months since he left this world, I still cry out, “I want him back!” when the longing for him overwhelms me. I think I am slowly accepting that he is gone for now, but I have no intention of ‘letting him go,’ if that means putting him in my past and not expecting to have any contact with him again. Instead, I am learning to accept that he is gone from my present, and to be content with the joy of knowing that we will be joined again in the future. That knowledge does bring me great joy, but so many things happen that make me long for him again, and again, and again. As I type this I am listening to a song by the David Crowder Band that has the refrain, “You never let go.” That’s my motto now. However, I do know that I am to be useful to others during the time I have left on this earth, and that needs to become my focus now. I’m trying.
I am so glad Valentine’s Day is over. That was a tough day–and the day before was really hard too. The progress I thought I may have been making was thrown to the wind and I feel I regressed in my sadness. Is that what we are to expect with each new “first” without our husbands? I am quite conflicted because I feel I need to hold it together for my kids so they don’t constantly fall apart, but at times I really need to “fall apart” and sob. I miss him so much and really hate looking toward a future without him.
Oh Ladies, like Lori I feel like I’ve had a set back.
I was doing so well, getting through the days, even getting back to work, but from Friday last week, it has been a spiral downwards. I’ve done nothing much but cry today. It was 16 years since we met on Valentines day, and now all I can see is that there are going to be 4 more days where I’m in danger of being to depressed, depressed enough to fall apart and not care what happens. And that frightens me. I don’t want to feel that loss of control, and I will fear when these days come as I know my strength will be needed to ensure I don’t fall foul.
I’m so glad I can write how I feel, and I know that you will all understand the pain that comes with it. I’m trying to stay strong, I’m trying to keep with it, but this is the first time since Martin died that I feel so much dispair.
I met an old friend today, and at first I didn’t recognise her, but she came up to me and said how sad I looked. And I felt sad, I miss my huneybunch so much, I want him here to look after me.
I want my husband to comfort me about my mum dying and I want my mum to comfort me over my husband dying, but they aren’t here and although I have my sister and Dad to turn to, its not the same.
It sucks big time.
I’ll try to stay strong, Ladies, as I hope you all will.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello everybody,
Thank you Denise, Norma, Jeanne…and everybody. It is good to know that I do not have alzheimer yet!!! I always thought it was the shock, the tearing away of our soulmates, the traumatic events. I will have to do some research if I will ever get any of the lost memories back. I will have to find some supplements to help my brain. What matters the most to me is that I remember my dear Barry. I was crying on the way home today. It dawn on me that it was just barely 3 1/2 years that we met, that he went away. Barry was my life partner. I miss his hugs so much. I miss his jokes and teasing me. I take care of others so much, but when I come home…I am not getting my hugs and kisses. It is a void. I spoke to my Pastor. I am ever so sad. I am not happy at all. I am going in for some spiritual counseling with him to find some meaning as to why I am here. I have to find myself. I have to find ways to have some pleasure and fun. I recently found a drumming circle that is close by me. I have a Dempje drum which I purchased at an African concession stand. I took a few lessons and enjoy the rhythm of everybody drumming. I had a butterfly garden with Barry. I am going to try to work on that again.
So ladies, it is not so easy. We have setbacks. The pain and lonliness is there. I do not know how long this will take. But I think as I work on myself, bit by bit…I get a bit of myself back and be better. I have to remember as to why my Barry loves me.
Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Lori, you aren’t alone. I also experienced all the “firsts” after Roger died. The first “first” was my birthday, which occurred six weeks later. I was so sad, so desolate. My friends convinced me to go out to a restaurant to listen to some live music. It made me feel even worse because the whole night I felt that my Roger should have been seated next to me. That night was so darn hard. Harder than anything I had ever experienced before. The only thing that saved me was a dear old friend who quietly held my hand under the table that entire night. He never let go of my hand, and at different intervals throughout the night, he would give my hand a squeeze, as if to say, “It will be alright. I will get you through this.” He was a lifesaver. I don’t know what I would have done without him. It was like he instinctively knew that if I didn’t have someone to hold onto, I might literally slip away into nothingness. If I could have willed my own death that night, I would have.
It is too bad this forum won’t let us share pictures of our loved ones.
I have not set up a site like Cheryl- that was awesome!! I hope your nightmares calm down Cheryl. I did quite a bit of Studies at Northwestern University on the Neurobiology of the Human Brain. It is not only fascinating how the Brain works when you are awake, but also when you are alsleep. I have asked God to please give you PEACE during sleep. Let me also suggest biofeedback- program your mind with positive mental imagery and soothing music before falling asleep. Also try some calming scents like lavender on a cool washcloth on your forehead or on a new fluffy pillow, blanket or PJ’s. Talk aloud some positive words and have a peppermint before bed. No I am not crazy but the senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, smell) have a profound effect on what chemicals (neurotransmitters) are produced when your autonomic system kicks in during sleep. It is kind of like meditation when you are awake. We all deserve PEACE during sleep. My sadest time is when I awake first thing in the morning- I call it “mourning” because for a split second I forget that Steven is gone, and I have to mourn all over again. I hope to one day wake up happy again, and be happy again, but I am no where even close. I hope to one day find it again but for now every day is a struggle. I have HOPE
Sweet dreams to Everyone- God Bless- Denise
Hello friends,
Has anyone experienced extended family or friends that find it hard to be around you or come to your home because it makes them feel profoundly sad? I have found my brothers-in-law (I have 6) cannot come to my house because they are reminded of their brother. It seems when I am not around it’s easier for some people because I am a constant reminder Tim is gone.
Normally I just sit back and read all of your posts but today I couldn’t help but post….I lost my best friend and husband on July 1st 2009. He was 39 years old and suffered a stroke in his brain stem, after 3 weeks in a coma he lost his battle. Together we had a 3 year old son and he had 3 daughters who used to come over every weekend and spend time with their brother……since their father passed, they find it very hard to be at the house and unfortunately my son pays that price…not only does he have to mourn the loss of his father but he cries about missing his sisters as well. It does seem that it is easier for everyone for you to be “Outta sight outta mind” they have the luxury of not being faced with the emptiness every second of every day. It does make it very hard as all of our friends were “couples” friends and of course now I am not a “couple” and yes I am sure I remind them of his absence…few have been great…but most have basically dissappeared…which means all of a sudden I have no social circle as well. Life has just become work and home with my son…..I am making sure that my son has his social interraction with his friends and he has school which has been a wonderful distraction for him…..but I get depressed as I am a very social person. Its also very difficult to meet people and carve out some type of new life since I have no one to help take my son for even an hour to give me a break. So many changes that its tough!!!! My prayers are with you all….this is the hardest thing to ever have to endure.
Paula/Lori, it’s to be expected that we become “the unclean”. Sometimes, I think, our close friends and family find it hard to be around us, because they don’t know what to say or how to handle us. They can only imagine how we must be feeling, unless they have gone through it before, and they treat us like we have a disease that they might catch if they get to close.
So, sod them, Paula if you can’t get out, because there is no one to help you with your son then join a group for single parents, yes I know not something else to be reminded of, but you will get some social interaction whilst your son gets some too. If your step daughters find it hard to come round, then why don’t you see if its ok to take your son around to see them. As to the couples, nothing to suggest on that front, as we are single again, we need othe singles around us. I sit here thinking about how little the phone rings, but then I remind myself if I want to talk to people I know, then I can pick up the phone too. It sucks big time, being a widow, as we have to adapt at being single again, and for most of you single with children.
Lori, sweetheart, it’s tough when your in laws decide they find it too hard to be around you. Give them time, it will get better for them, but like Paula, I would say, why not go and see them? Hopefully by seeing you away from your family home, it might make it easier for them.
don’t forget ladies, we need to make the effort as well. We can’t just hang around our homes waiting for our friends and family to come for a visit. They may be thinking, oh better not, don’t want to upset her. By getting out there, you will let your friends and family know your not contagious.
sorry for the rambling, but i’m on a roll tonight.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi All
I need to put this out, it weighing so much in my mind. I think god is unfair. He is so unfair. I miss my husband, our kids miss him, his brothers, sister and parents miss him. What is god gaining, why couldn’t he have take us along. Life is not worth. I wish I can be stronger for our kids. But I am breaking down all the time. I wish everything will end.
Zulaifa
Dearest Zulaifa -
You are far away from most of us but there are 500 people just on this blog who are supporting you and sending you comfort and love.
Reach out to us. Get very quiet. Feel our power.
We are all part of the Divinity.
We are holding you. We have not let you down.
GET UP.
WE HAVE NOT ABANDONED YOU.
Dear Zulaifa,
I know where you are coming from. Those feelings come creeping in every so often when I have been working hard, feeling very tired of struggling by myself. I mediatated last week thru my spiritual group. I was so down. I felt that I have not been hugged in a very long time. I remember Barry hugging me after a very long day.
Buddha, one of the teachers thru the centuries and Barry came to see me in the meditation. They are buddies. Buddha reached into my heart and pulled out the Lotus blossom out of my heart, letting it unfold…wrapping me completely in the blossom…hugging me and filling me with love. I felt so much love, warmth and peace.
I know that God and the Angels have been watching over me. They are very close to me, when I am dispair. I got news today that there is a definite closing on my house. It is sold for 1/3 of the value. I lost my equity and value of the property. That is not important to me. I lost what was so dear to my heart…my sweet Barry…but he is not far…just in another dimension…another plane.
Hang in there, Girl…bit by bit…we are getting there…dispite of setbacks…we are getting stronger and remember the love and letting it fill our deepest part of our soul. That is who we are.
I AM…
Mary Lotus Butterfly
My dear Zulafia
Your God may seem unfair, because he has hurt you and yours by taking your husband away from you, but your God hasn’t abandoned you and neither have we.
From your spirtual point, your God has a plan for you. When you come out the other side of your grief, you may understand what that plan is. Your children are destined to live a full life and give you lots of grandchildren and great grandchildren. It would be ashame not to be able to see that for your self.
I have moments of dispair, where I feel that my life is worthless without Martin, but then I remember how Martin would comfort me, when I was feeling low. It is hard not being able to get a hug, a kiss and a cuddle, but then I wrap my arms around myself and close my eyes and I feel like he is hugging me. Of course lots of tears come at that point, but the more pain I feel, the stronger I feel when I come through it.
Stay with us, girl, stay here and let us help you through the toughest thing you’ve ever had to do. Don’t give up, we love you and in time you will feel the love of your God that your faith gives you.
If you can’t be strong, let us be your strength.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello friends,
I am relate to how Zulafia feels. Why couldn’t we all go and still be a family? I know that cheats my children of a future, but I have double the heartache when I see them so sad. My youngest just said the other day all he wants is daddy back one more time to hug and kiss again. He’s only 9 why is he being punished. I felt God is unfair too. I wish I knew why. On another note, I am so grateful for this site and visit it daily. I get such strength from everyone and feel your love and that we all are in this together. Love to all, Lori
I too can relate to what everyone is saying. I will see one full year gone by without my Larry on March 5. Where I was saying in the beginning, how will I ever get through another day, now I am saying, how will I ever get through another year. Though my children are grown and busy elsewhere, I just don’t seem to have any incentive to do anything. Please, don’t anybody tell me what I should be doing. I already know intellectually what I should be doing, but my health is paying a tough price right now. Anyway, I received a beautiful thing in the mail. It is a small stand-up plaque and on it are these words,
The title: Your Smile. The words are as follows: Though your smile is gone forever, and your hand I cannot touch, I still have many memories of the one I loved so much. Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.
Sadly missed, but never forgotten.”
I think it is beautiful and thought you all might like it, even if it does bring tears.
Love and Light to you all. Terre
Hi everybody,
It has been a very heavy burden to carry. My tears are running. It is a relief and letting go. My shoulders are tired. Us, Lightworkers…what sufferings we go thru…but we are doing our work that was assigned to us by the Divine purpose. There is no understanding yet. Oneday, we will come into our own being, then we will understand.
Remember each night before going to sleep…the uncondional Love and Compassion…it will bring Peace…
I saw the Light on my sweet Barry’s face…when he took off. He looked different. He was not suffering anymore! That is what keeps me going. That is how I hold my Barry in honor. It will always be remembered. I will carry on our dreams to help and guide others.
I was speaking to a friend of mine. I listen to her story. I told her that she was a Gateway…Lost Souls…they need to keep repeating lessons until they listen and learn. I felt so bad in telling her that. I apologized, but my spiritual friend really understood that. There is no fixing things. It is the way it is.
Terre, thank you. It was beautiful. Thru the sufferings…it brings us strength…Do not dispair friends…Eventually we will be at peace again.
Om
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I am ever so grateful to all of you, Thank you so much for your support!
Hugs
Zulaifa
Evening Ladies, evening Terre. No body needs to tell you what to do, but you will find your way eventually.
I am like you, the lack of motivation in my life right now is upsetting. I want to get on and do the things in the house that needs to be done, but I end up sleeping on the couch and lounging in front of the TV. I don’t have kids, we weren’t that lucky, but I do try and it is hard, to do something even one thing each day.
I suppose all we can hope for, is that one day we will get through it. And although we will always remember, love and never forget our loved ones, we must continue with our lives in honor of the ones we have lost.
I wish I could make it all better for everyone, but I know the only thing I can do, like you all do for me, is support you in your grief. I bet everybody is fed up hearing other people tell us what we should be doing, but as individuals we will find our own way.
I’m so glad I found this website, it makes me feel I’m not alone. And although I don’t know any of you physically, I love you all.
Take care, stay strong (sorry the usual phrase), and remember the love we lost is a bond we all share.
Much love
Normaxxx
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