The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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No, you aren’t crazy, Denise. I, too, love my man more each day, and I’m sure it is because I’m being prepared to spend eternity with him, and our Lord.
I’m glad you are writing to us, Norma and Noxolo. We’re here for you!
I know exactly what you mean, Terri. ‘They’ are right, though… it does eventually get better. It’s been almost 18 months since my confidant and best friend died from pancreatic cancer. I still have times of feeling lost, but I’m having more periods of time where I feel strong. He’ll always be my only love, but I am learning to accept life without him.
Hi Jeanine and everyone,
It is 22 months since I lost my dear Barry due to lung cancer. There are longer spells of feel stronger. Then, when I have my feeling lost time, I honor it and the love that we carry. It is always there. I allow my heart to be filled with love and just let it flow thru my whole being.
It is funny, but I say the same thing also, that our love gets stronger as time goes on. I thought that I was imagining it. It is true.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Well today my husbands death certificate arrived. After years of doing genealogy work and researching and collecting death certificates I never thought I would have one for my husband or see my own name as the surviving spouse. He wanted to be cremated and in spite of my own feelings I followed his wishes, but I told his girls that they would have to deal with them – I just can’t deal with his ashes to think that is all that is left of him is just more than I can handle. I know it’s rediculous but that’s just me I guess. I’m so overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done – even after talking to the person that prepared our trust – I just feel like I’m loosing everything – I’m not, we took great care in making sure that when the day came that one or both of us was gone that our financial needs would be taken care of but I can’t get over the feeling of impending doom……. Maybe it’s partly because I don’t have him to talk it out with – I’ll be glad when this passes……
When I was a child I had a frequent dream where I was walking alone on a scaffold into a black void and I could only see a short distance ahead. I felt lost and terrified. I’ve had that same feeling many times since my Don died. I am again walking alone into that black void, and I can only see one day at a time. But, this time it is not a dream, and I am comforted by my ever-increasing faith in God, who strengthens me. Without out that faith, I would be insane.
Today, I put up my first Christmas tree. I gave up Christmas for Martin, as he didn’t like decorations, trees, movies or Christmas music, except for Porky Pig’s rendition of Blue Christmas, if you’ve not heard it, then please google it, as it will put a smile on your face.
I feel all excited, showing the tree to our wedding picture, telling Martin that this is what I’ve always wanted. I don’t feel silly our that I’m losing my mind. I feel contented knowing that although Martin isn’t here, I have a Christmas tree that I can watch and think of my man.
I feel like I’ve not grieved properly yet. With my mum passing and then Martin, less than 4 weeks later, I feel I’ve got a long way to go yet. I’m not sleeping as well as I’d like and I find the house really quiet. Strange dreams.
I’d always believed that the spirit stays with us, but when my mum passed I couldn’t feel her spirit with me anymore. The same with Martin, I watched the life pass from him, looked at the love in his eyes and then the lifeless shell that had yet to pass. I want them to be here, I want to hear their voices, to tell me everything will be ok,I love them and miss them both so much.
Norma
well where to begin, so mixed up… my husband died last year, but he didn’t know me, and he had gotten sick in 1987. alot was on my plate, taking care of kids and him. when he turned into a baby, total care I took care of him 24/7. Well I met this man on the internet my kids knew about him, they told me to go out with him.. since I had no life, well I did and to make a long story short he wanted to marry me, when my husband had passed, I told him no..way to soon for me, i still love my husband. well we broke it off now I feel very quilty for going out with him when my husband was still alive, but i justified it by saying he doesn’t know who I am anymore.. and now I want to find someone to love me, but I don’t know how. I have tried but this quilty feeling comes over me, and I think how can i tell some one what i did, cheating on a dieing man, all I ever wanted was to be loved, I would see other couples together and wish I had that. He just was sick for so long, I quit my job to do home care for him.. I married him at 14, no I wasn’t pregnant. My mom had let me, because we were so poor we had no food most the time and had even lived in parks, so i think she knew he would take care of me. which he did, we never really had money and he didn’t leave me anything, insurance or otherwise. But I loved him, as much as a kid could, we were together 48 years. I wanted something better for my kids than I had, my dad an alcholic. So he was in and out of my moms life all through mine. She died and he did 2 yrs later, so i raised my sister and helped with 2 other sisters. So I never had my own life, now I’m faced with it and don’t even know how to go about a date, because I never really had a teenage life. Now I feel alone and old. People say i look good, but when I’m around men I don’t know what to even say.. All I ever knew was to work, and take care of people.. so here I am so confused and quilty, just wanted someone to talk with that might have some insight.. I have an apt. but and 2 of my kids live nearby, I’m just so lonely for what I see other couples have.. thanks for listening..tiki
Dear Tiki -
Please put all this past behind you.
You did not cheat on your husband. Only his body was there. Not the person you spent so many years with.
You know, all we can do is the best we can do.
Forgive yourself because you have already been forgiven.
Move on now. This is a new chapter. The old book is finished.
My husband’s birthday is on the 21st December. I am dreading every passing second. His parents wants me and the kids visit them and spend the whole of that week with them. It is quite a long way a 6 hours drive. It will be the first trip I am taking after his passing away. I just can’t, I have been avoiding this trip almost a year. I can’t say no to his parents or my kids any more. I try to put a brave face. I can’t I am breaking down every time I think. My husband loves this time of the year and April and August the months he is able to visit his parents, because he gets to spend about week with no work, just relaxing with his parents and siblings, talking about the past, taking the kids to the park and shopping visiting his relatives. How can I go without him. My kids are so excited that we are going. I wish I can tell them that we can make it next year. I wish I can take the trip to him.
Dear Zulaifa, you have to make this trip. You need to take your children to see their grandparents and the rest of your family. Just because your husband is no longer here, his family don’t stop being your family.
Let the grandparents take the kids and give yourself a chance to have some alone time, in a house that your husband obviously loved. See the memories as you walk from room to room and remember the happy times you have had there.
Make the trip a fitting memory to your husbands family and share in the sadness and the joy, when his birthday comes around.
Be strong and take strength, knowing your husband would be very proud of you, making this trip at the most difficult time of the year.
Much love
Normaxxx
‘ :@
Zulaifa,
I agree with Norma — it sounds like it would be best if you took the trip…. best for your kids and your in-laws, and best for you, especially if you feel your in-laws are loving and supportive of you. It will be hard for you, but afterward you will be glad you did the right thing for your family, and for your husband.
I know exactly what you mean about wanting to “take the trip to him.” I feel the same way about my husband. But, that is not our call. Our Creator left us here without our husbands for a reason, and we are to be ready to do whatever it is He has planned for us. Easier said (or written) than done, as I so well know!
Well-intentioned people sometimes tell me that my husband would want me to do this or that, but I know that no one except our Creator knows what our husbands would or would not want us to do. However, based on my 45 years with my husband I do know that he would not want me to be suffering for the rest of my earthly life. He would want me to do as I am doing: Seeking direction and deliverance from our Creator. Beyond that, all I know to do is to take one day at a time, and to do a lot of praying along the way.
Please let us know how your trip goes when you get back.
Hi Everyone
How hard this time of year is the first Christmas without your loved one is very painful. It has been 4 months and I still at times can’t believe he is gone we miss him so much. My 9 year old seems bitter at times that everyone else has a Dad on Earth and hers went up to Heaven. I do have profound hope that we will see each other again and that brings comfort. How lonely it is without him here- very lonely. Everyone is celebrating and we are still mourning and grieving this sudden and unexpected loss. One day vibrant, healthy and so full of life and laughter…the next day GONE. I will never get over trying to understand what happened – how someones heart could just stop beating and have cardiac arrest without a heart attack, sickness or pain. I guess only God knows and there must have been a reason he was taken from us, but I still feel guilty that maybe I did not see signs that he was ill. He was losing weight I should have made him go to the doctor- if I did maybe he would be alive. Anyways just wanted to let everyone know we are still Ok just profoundly sad. This time of year is so very hard I hope God can give us a little more strength to get through the holidays. Watching a loved one die suddenly and unexpectedly is an image that will never be able to get out of my head. How at the time it never occurred to me he was dying. Oh how I wish I could have somehow known. I wish he would have been sick for a day or two in the hospital so that we could have said goodbye. God Bless everyone!
I can so relate because my Mike went a similar way. Sudden heart attack. I’ll never get over it or believe he’s gone. I want him back so bad. No I need him. He just can’t be gone. I still cry over him. My heart is broke…
It has been nearly 10 months for me now. I still have nobody to talk to, in the physical sense, or family nearby. I have however, started to look at the glass as being half full rather than half empty. I now see that instead of each day without my Larry, taking him further away from me, it brings me daily closer to him and to relatives and friends who have passed on. You know Sisters, we are all the Light of God that never fails. God does no make mistakes, people do. Those mistakes are always forgiven. We must all look to our Presence, the Light, God and accept all that It is. That is our strength. If anybody would like to communicate with me, I would consider it another Light of God reaching out. violetangel973@q.com. Stay safe and in Light everyone. My love and blessings to you all.
I’m sorry ladies, but all this babble about god, is beginning to make me feel sick.
Our husbands and partners are dead, if god helps you get through this loss then I’m glad it helps, but not everyone is religious. I believe that our husbands have died, because their time was up, not because god or jesus wanted him for a sunbeam.
Be good to each other, life is too hard as it is. Now that is my philosiphy in life, and I don’t believe in any diety.
I’m sorry ladies, but get on with it. God won’t make you strong, you will do that all by yourself. You need to start living, for the sake of yourself, your husbands memory and any childern you have however old. Don’t let his death take you with him.
Apologies in advance for that little rant.
Much Love
Normaxxx
I, too, am sorry, Norma. Sorry that you feel such frustration. I often hesitate to write about my faith because I know some cannot understand. However, I can’t write about what I’ve been experiencing since my Don was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March 2006 without writing about my faith, because our journey has been based on that faith. Your philosophy about life, “Be good to each other, life is too hard as it is,” is straight out of God’s Word. Whether you acknowledge Him or not, He exists, created you and loves you. My Don is now with Him, and I will eventually join them…… that knowledge gives me great joy. I just pray that you will someday accept the joy and peace that comes from our Creator.
Much love,
Jeanine
I agree with you Jeanine. I could not have worded your response more beautifully. While I never mentioned a specific religion, I do and always will believe in God. My comments were not meant to be offensive in any way. I have just started to feel a turning (however slow and long it may be) and therefore used the words regarding the glass being half full now instead of half empty. I definitely believe I will be with my husband when the time is determined by my Higher Presence, and I in no way mean to be preaching. I have been reading the comments on this site for months now and have taken great comfort in those words written by so many on this forum who have and are finding support and peace in their knowlege of God. For any of those persons, who seem to be very few, who do not find peace in the words that have been written on this forum, I am sorry. It has been very helpful to me for sure. I do not believe anybody should try to control what others find comfort in and I know we all have a right to express ourselves just as we all have a right not to read anything that bothers us in any way. Again, I am greatful for so many wonderful comments. I am greatful for this forum where we can all try to help each other through such challenging times. Sometimes it is good to go to the library and select a book which will help through the processes of grief, such as guilt, lonliness, anger, etc. Thanks again to all of you beautiful ladies who are so helpful. God bless all of you.
Jeanine-Terre
I appreciate reading your words of comfort. My heart started racing to read the post from Norma about “babble” about Gods word making one sick and that “God does not give strength”. The word dead does not exist our husbands and loved ones have passed on, to eternal life, something we can only anticipate and look forward to, faith is indeed a huge part of the journey we are on. I can try to be open minded to those who are spiritualy dead, but God wants me to spread the word of his inescapable love for everyone, so that everyone may through Gods grace receive the gift of everlasting life. I can personally say my life would be unbearable without faith. To stand at a grave and believe my husband is dead and that is the end, now that would be a tragedy. I am not going to appologize for Loving and honoring God my creator.
I’m sorry ladies, I didn’t mean to knock anyone’s faith. I feel comforted knowing that I live and let live and if you believe in a God, then I am happy for you. Faith is a wonderful thing, but so to is being a pragmatist. Reality speaks to me more than god does, I believe in the basics of life, the circle of life, we are born, we live, we die. It’s what we do in between that allows us to make our mark in this world. But human beings are no better than the animals in air, on the land or in the sea. We are blessed (spiritually or not), with intelligence to let us make up our minds about religion.
I am sorry, about my rant yesterday. I’m sitting eating a chocolate triffle, watching TV and bursting into tears. I’d just found out that my Dad has decided to go out on New Years Eve, and now I find myself wondering what I’m going to do. I so don’t want to be on my own on that night. Hogmany was the start of Martin’s symptoms, we spent a really goodnight with neighbours at the local village hall, but I never thought I’d never have another New Year with him. We were supposed to grow old together, not for me to get to 40 and be without him, or even my mum.
I don’t want to start again, I don’t want to find another man that can fill the gap in my life. I’ll compare everyone I meet to Martin, any prospective partner hasn’t got a chance, but I don’t want to make the mistake of choosing someone just because I’m lonely.
Be well everyone, have yourself a happy holiday season. If it helps I do believe in Santa Claus.
Much Love
Normaxxx
Hi everyone, I saw this website and didn’t feel alone anymore. My husband Mike passed away form brain cancer August 15th 2009. I spent the last 13 months from his surgery July 22, 2008 taking care of him so sick. I miss my soulmate and best friend as you all do. It has only been 4 months but it feels like more. The Holiday’s are one of the 1st I have to go through and yes it is hard even getting out of bed in the morning. My heart has broken and I don’t know how to fix it. They say time heals but right now time is only making it hurt more and more. Thank you all for letting me vent to you! Kris
Dear Ones -
As expected, you are all in the same boat with the holidays coming.
There is no point in telling anyone to have a Merry Christmas. How could I?
And it also does not help to tell you it will get better. That is no consolation.
So, what I am going to say is that in less than two weeks it will be over.
That’s all. You will get through it.
Sending my love and heart to every single one of you. I know where you are coming from because I have been there too.
You know that. Hang on.
Thank you Corinne Your kind words were heard. The one with the briken heart Kris
Dear Friends
We Wish You a Merry♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Christmas♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪We Wish You a Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♥ ♥ ♥We Wish You A Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪…and a Happy New Year!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪…
God Bless you during the Season that you may find Hope and Joy !Knowing your loved one who has passed on lives eternally and forever and is spending Christmas with Jesus this year . Your loved one is saving your place beside them, always and forever in Gods kingdom of inescapable LOVE.
I lost my husband October 18th of this year. Today is his birthday. Then the Christmas Eve, then Christmas. I don’t know what to do with myself. He was my best friend. We have a 2 and a half year old daughter. I feel like I’m living in a dream some days. Like this can’t be real. I was in the hospital room with him when he died. He wasn’t supposed to die. He had Crohn’s Disease yet he died of a blood clot from being the hospital. I miss him so much, every moment of the day and night. I am being as strong as I can be. I work. I try. But I miss him.
Maureen… I’ve gone through two birthdays (his, not mine) since my man died in June 2008, so I understand your pain. This is the second holiday season I’ve had to endure, and this time I am alone. My two children are with their in-law families, and my sister is in the midst of a family crisis which she can’t leave, but she doesn’t want me in the middle of it, either. I find that the only way I am surviving these days is through prayer….. lots of it. I highly recommend it! I am the same as Denise, “my life would be unbearable without faith.”
Hi everybody,
The first year, it was blank….It is OK. This is my second year, now. I hung out one strand of lights on some small artificial pine trees outside. That is it. At least it is a beginning of living and feeling. I cannot watch any of the Christmas stories on the TV. I have a dear friend coming over for a quiet dinner.
This is time for embracing our love and life that is within each one of us. My Barry would not like to see me suffer. He wants to see me live my life. Life is very precious. I am learning how to find a way to let happiness and joy come back into my life. It comes and goes, but it gets stronger as time goes by. I do not have to feel so guilty if I smile.
May God be with everybody.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
guyz, its been a long time,busy preparing for christmas,buying presents for both families,i’m trying to enjoy myself,but something is missing,i don’t feel whole,my husband part is so vacant,well single ladies its time to have fine,marry christmas.
Hello,
As I read the words of all of you I realize that sadly I’m not the only to have lost my love. My love was taken from me by death on Oct. 25th. So it has now been 2 months. He was in a car accident on his way to airport. I saw friends of ours return from the trip he was supposed to be on and it doesn’t make sence to me how he could not be back just as they are. We have a 2 and half year old son. I’m 25 and he was just 32….I don’t know how I’m living without him. We had just celebrated our 6th anniversary on 10/13, he gave me a card where he said that eventhough it was the first time we were actually celebrating it we had the rest of our lives to continue…..the rest of our lives ended up being just 11 more days. We weren’t married but we were planning our wedding that was set to be 5/1/10. On the 24th we had gone to pick out our wedding bands and never imagined his life would end the very next morning. I know if I had asked him not to go on that work trip he’d still be with us. I don’t believe in destiny, I know he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I just wont ever get used to this loneliness I feel. He loved life and it’s so unfair that we no longer get to see his smile or have his presence with us all and that our son doesn’t have his father to be by his side, it’s just not fair. I cry all the time and I want to just fall asleep and never wake up but I know that would be more unfair to our son. I do believe that God has given me strength because everyone tells me they never imagined I could even get past one week without him. I miss him dearly… I miss him so much
I pray we all are able to feel a little peace in our hearts, just a little
-Liz
Lizette,
While it is indeed sad that all of are suffering our losses together, I am grateful that we are able to reach out to each other through this medium and support each other. Thanks, again, Corinne, for providing this outlet!
I’m so sorry you have a reason to find your way to this site, Lizette, and at such a young age. Another great site, especially for young widows, is one in Ireland: http://www.widow.ie The wonderful young founder, Colette, was widowed last year at age 35 when her husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. Her daughter was three years old at the time. I found the people at that site to be warm and responsive to my posts, even though I am far older than most of them. I don’t post much there anymore due to the age difference, but you might find them helpful.
My prayers are with you during this especially difficult time, Lizette… the holidays can be fantastic, but are also painful for those of us with huge losses in our lives.
It seems as if Mike never existed. Like for 23 yrs I just had a nice dream. And yet I know he existed. It’s bad enough that my diabetes and depression from it tires me out. But now I am just simply worn out. Here lately all I feel like doing is sleeping. It takes all of my energy for me to just get out of bed to eat, get on the internet, watch tv and help take care of my folks. I don’t have the get up an go anymore. Right now it is such a struggle to write this I am so tired out. I slept late yesterday and slept all evening feeling bad and still am tired.
I feel so disconnected from everything anymore. They didn’t have church Christmas eve like they normally do cuz of the preacher being out of town. So I went to my cousin’s church. It was nice but I didn’t feel anything except for a minute during Silent Night. I may as well been watching a ball game (don’t care for sports but Mike loved them). Mike and I every Christmas Eve would go visit his brother and his wife and when their son had kids go see them there too and give the kids their presents. It was so hard, I enjoyed seeing them and it was nice but it wasn’t the same without him. They showed on the tv tv video they had filmed last yr when we were over of the kids and Mike was in it. While I enjoyed seeing it and filmed some of it playing on the tv, it was so sad seeing him his last Christmas. I felt like crying but couldn’t in front of them and had to choke it back. I miss him so much it hurts. The day after Christmas I went out to eat with my best friend who had set me up on the blind date with Mike. And also went to the mall. It was nice but just not the same without him. I didn’t even go to Walmart and Target looking at Christmas stuff cuz I don’t have a home to put it in being here with my folks. A few days before Christmas, I went in Target and bought me a lighted up church and alpine scene that reminded me of Mike. I put them under my folks tree which I decorated. And they are in memory of him. Sun at church I felt nothing either. It may have been cuz the preacher was still out of town and we had a guest preacher and my folks couldn’t go cuz they weren’t feeling good and my best friend who set me up on the blind date with Mike was sick and couldn’t go and Mikes cousin wasn’t there either. I still have my faith in God and Jesus and always will. I’m just in a slump where I don’t feel anything other than depressed and sad, I died March 3, 2009 and I don’t think I will ever come back to life. He either never existed or he is gone somewhere and will come back one day. For now tho, I am just dead…
Hi Cheryl
Thanks for sharing. I know how you feel. The other half of you that made you complete isn’t around anymore. It sucks!
Don’t let your husbands death be the death of you. Mike would not want you to die with him. I can’t make you feel any better, I can’t help you get over your husbands passing, but you can. Depression is one of the things to expect, it never goes away, you just have ride it, when things are bad and you want to sleep, get the hoover and the duster out and give your house a spring clean (or your parents house), the exercise will do you good and it will help bring your endorphines back into line even if only slightly. When you are feeling good, get up, shower, dress up, and go out as if you owned the world.
Show Mike, that your life is worth living. Show Mike that you will always remember him and love him and you will honer him by living your life as full as you can.
Take care Cheryl. Life is worth living, you just have to try and ride the wave until the calm comes.
Much love
Normaxxx
Cheryl, you said it when you said that it feels like he was just a nice dream. My husband died on Sept 24, 2009, of esophageal cancer. We fought the disease and he was brave, but it was just too much for his body. Sometimes I feel like I’m totally numb to it all and I should be constantly crying, sometimes I DO constantly cry. He was everything to me. We gave up so much to be together and we didn’t even make it to our 5th wedding anniversary. My new motto is “Life isn’t fair.”
Hi Everyone
The holiday was very hard. Steven passed August 9, 2009 and this was the first Christmas without him. It was just like a dream as others had said. He was fine and then POOF the next day gone from Sudden unexpected cardiac arrest after being in my life 22 years. So my 9 year old daughter and I went to his side family gathering on Christmas Day. Everyone was like “today must be so hard for you”. While it was very hard it was no different than any other day because every day is hard! I only have my past and memories my present and my future dreams have been ripped away from us. The minute I try to put my mind on something else it floats back to him and this consumes 95% of my thoughts every waking hour, not just on Christmas or Holidays- but EVERY DAY.
This is a great outlet we have I enjoy reading everyones post. Maybe there is some truth to the saying “misery loves company”. I feel so bad for each and every one of you for your profound loss. I don’t think I ever truly understood what a devestating feeling it is to grieve. People die every day but until you lose someone you love you just do not know how bad it hurts. I can see from everyones post it really does not matter if your husband or loved one was taken suddenly and unexpected, or if they suffered from illness before passing, it hurts to have them gone so badly that we are all depressed and lonely. I know I have no choice but to accept my new life, he is gone from Earth and I have to go on without him. Don’t like it, hate it, sad every day, lonely, depressed, angry and mystified. I still don’t know why he died they could not tell from the autopsy or toxicology other than his heart simply stopped beating- but what caused it to stop beating? He had no symptoms? They can’t tell me and I will never know until the day I reach Heaven and it will be revealed to me. Is it to much to ask to know why he died? I just had to ask the coroner again and she said I need to accept that we will never know why his heart stopped there was nothing they could find that would have caused it (I get the same story from his Doctor). That part is so hard and only makes grieving worse. It is not like I wanted him to have cancer, a heart attack or suffer in a car wreck or something- but at least I would know WHY he passed away so young and suddenly at age 49. He had no idea this was going to happen we were in the middle of so many exciting plans for our life. I have so much HOPE that he is not feeling the emotional pain I am feeling being seperated from his daughter, loved ones and I. Oh how I Hope that we will be together one day again. HOPE that I can get through this and maybe feel Joy again? HOPE that my daughter will remember her Father when she is older. I will never be the same person I was can’t people understand you just don’t get over losing your soulmate? They are and always will be a part of who you are. I can only pray for HOPE, PEACE and one day JOY for us all. God Bless
Denise,
I read your post, and felt like it could have been written by my hand. My Gary also died of a sudden cardiac event – in his sleep – at age 42 with absolutely no prior history. EVERY day is devastating. I made it through xmas on autopilot. Today my adrenaline has completely run out and I cn barely function. I have 3 children – my oldest turned 14 today, 11, and 4. It still feel like I am in someone elses nightmare and am desperate to wake up.
Dearest Lisa
Thanks for the post. There is someone else out there dealing with this nightmare and you understand!! So you have the same mysteries as I and they are emotionally exhausting to think about and deal with. You have such young children too!! I am for sure going to have to add you to my prayers and know that you are not alone. You have helped me to not feel so isolated, I hope I can help you too somehow. Gary never wanted to leave you so suddenly (he was even younger than Steve) and God knows you are hurting. I wish it could be revealed to us NOW as to why this happened to us- what purpose could ther be? I am working to try and accept but it is so very hard. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I might find some things that help but for now we suffer together wondering why this happened and how are we going to get through another day! God Bless
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