WHEN YOUR HUSBAND HAS DIED – A Survival Guide

by Corinne

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apology WHEN YOUR HUSBAND HAS DIED     A Survival Guide

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The funeral was over.It was beautiful.Everyone said so.I think my husband would have been pleased.

 

 

Everyone had been so kind and supportive.The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.

 

My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible.He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics.During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him.So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him.All I felt is relief.I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it.I didn’t know it was a new beginning.

 

 

If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time.But, I can only write from my own background.As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.

It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of.Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –

I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me.It was a police car.He came to the window of my car.He gave me three tickets.Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.

“What is it with you, lady?Why didn’t you take care of those things?”

I explained.Men do these things with cars.My husband died.He always took care of those things.

“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court.You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”

Okay.I will.

Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things.According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles.You should take care of that.”

Thanks for telling me.I will.

He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness.It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting.And he was right.This lady had to get it together!

At first, I had a lot of attention from friends.I was included in activities just as I had when I was married.Then, slowly, it started to change.I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights.That seemed to be just for couples.I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.

The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space.I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened.I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world.Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture.There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.

Did you get a lot of advice?I did. “When are you going to sell the house?It’s too big for you.”“Life goes on you know.You’re still attractive.Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers.They are looking for someone like you.”“Get involved in some activities.You’ll meet some new people.”

“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different?It would be good for you to get out.”

“You should travel more.Get out there.”

Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out.I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job.But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room.I thought about that chair all day.It was a safe place.And I didn’t want to travel alone.

The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately.I admit I thought about it.But the thought of “dating” was alien to me.Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date?I hadn’t had a date in years.And what do you do with your wedding ring?When are you supposed to take it off?My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter.To go back to my old, comfortable life.

You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs.They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband.They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.

I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY.Their inheritance.They have seen stories on TV about scams.The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid.That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman.And you will keep them informed of what you are doing.And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.

It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality.We all have this little secret.Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.

I started with conversations with my children.I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit.You need to have that information when you make a new will.

And then, find out exactly what assets you have.Your husband may have handled all these things.I know mine did.If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step.Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.

The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts.Not your friend who does real estate closings.A will is not enough.You will need a Revocable Living Trust.A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house.No.You are the executor and you can do whatever you want.Sell the house.Buy a condo.Trade your stocks.

Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have.You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you.But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life.At least, not until you do some big research.You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.

Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions.Probably, you don’t know what you are doing.Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner.I was lucky.My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch.I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation.It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience.They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney.Talk to a few and decide who you like.

Tell your heirs what you have done.Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind.So much for someone who went through this process.It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.

Time passed. I did get out a little.I met some single women.They had a life I didn’t know about until now.They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together.Sometimes, just met for a drink after work.I had company.It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.

I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone.I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true.I started to “get it together.”I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.

I met some new widows.It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones.A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country.It made me realize how little help there is out there for us.We are the silent victims of life.People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.

One last little piece of advice I want to add here.  There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death.  Where that information comes from I have no idea.

I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again.  I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.

Don’t let anyone rush you.  Things will get better.  But in your own time frame.

Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name.Just your real support. We need each other.

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{ 3803 comments }

mary lotus butterfly March 27, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Hi everybody,
I have dealing with my fears. I am a fighter of life. I fought back after loosing my Barry. I think that I succeeded with that. Now, I am learning about the alzheimer disease that cause dementia.

I am seeing and watching a friend of mine, suffering with dementia. Now, this is another fear that I will have to face…growing old without my Barry. I am going to fight back with natural ways of healing…to make sure that my brain does not loose it.

I will hold my spirit up with honor and dignity. I have seen so much sufferings because I work with a facility of elderlies.

Because of my friend, I am learning and beginning to understand the detoriation of the mind. There are ways to help stop it.

My Yoda is lying by my side. I am going to give him some more supplements along with the food that I cook for him. I want to keep him with me for a very long time. He is not on any shots at all…because it bougt on allergies…he does not eat any bags and canned doggie foods with by-products.

So, my dear friends…I am fighting back to survive with dignity…living my life to the fullest.

Keep active, give of yourself, meditate and find ways to be happy…socialize with others.

It will honor our husbands.

Peace, Light and Love,
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly

Linda March 28, 2012 at 6:18 am

Mary Lotus B, you are back. I was thinking about your friend who left the order and married. What has happened with that? Also, is the Nun that is going back to Reno the person that you knew for many many years? I get so confused sometimes with the posts…….which leads me to what you are going through with your friend with Alzheimers. I always think of what a burden I would be if that ever happened to me. I don’t want anyone to EVER EVER have to take care of me at all. My mother died before her cancer took her over, my dad died quickly….3 months after diagnosis, and my husband died for no reason, in a couple of minutes…taken before my eyes. You know, we always used to kid about getting old and I always told him that once he started to clean my bottom, he could get rid of me. Funny how things happen….I never had to take care of him or watch him fade away from me and watch him forget me and that only happened to my dad when the cancer entered his brain…it was so sad. He kept talking to us but none of his speech made sense. He thought it did, but it didn’t. How frustrating for all of us. So here I am, all by myself with only inlaws and wanting to be with my love, but yet wanting to die quickly so that I never have to depend on anyone since I have no one to depend on that really loves me anymore. I pray to God everyday that I never have to depend on people when I die, so therefore, hope I never get anything like Alzheimers. My cousin has it and although I have not seen her since we were small, my aunt tells me that her husband takes care of her and will not put her in a facility. He carries her now because she cannot walk very well. she doesn’t know who people are. Please God, don’t ever let this happen to me. Mary Lotus, you seem like such a wonderful person. I wish you could cook for me and give me healing foods. Oh how I wish you lived near me. I wish you ladies lived near me. Do you realize how wonderful it would be? I have met people in bereavement groups and yet never have the feeling of closeness that we all have. I have two ladies that I met in my first group at church and we get together regularly, but it is difficult sometimes to vent the way I would like because of our different circumstances. Sometimes I do not want to burden them with my sadness, and my depression. I have major depression, and theirs is more grief than that. I have no family…they do. I have always had a tendency toward depression anyway, so losing the love of my life, my future, my purpose, my meaning, my beauty, my breath, welll……. I really cannot say more. I am always afraid, from day to day that I will lose it.

Mary Lotus B, when I asked about your friend going back to becoming a nun, I must have sounded so childish, but I meant it in a way. Depending on what kind of church, etc., I would imagine that if someone wanted to come back after realizing they made a mistake, couldn’t they? I don’t know much about it. I know that Catholic nuns could not, or I don’t think so anyway. Catholic church is very strict, and I do know a couple of Priests who left the church because they wanted to marry. It is unfortunate. Anyway, Audrey, sorry you think me a sadsack, but when it is cold out and dreary I feel as though I can hide and heal. Cannot really explain,. but that is how I feel. My love passed in the winter, the cold, when I could hide. Thank God I could nestle inside and cry instead of hearing the world outside still living.

Karen N, I hope for the transfer too, but I know you will miss the grandchildren. I try to see my stepgrandson as much as possible, but always have to be the one to invite myself. Not the same as it would be if my husband was here. Then we would see him more often. I have to take what I can get, and when I see him I see my husband. Hope it isn’t my husband, though, because I am hoping my husband is looking down on me and waiting for me. I love him so.

mary lotus butterfly March 28, 2012 at 6:46 am

Hi everybody,

Linda, I think that she left the Order a very long time ago. She is 89 after all. Here dementia is bad. She is very confused. She has bad moments…being lost. She is basically
by herself.

Her sister went back out to the Monastery. She was here for
about two months. She is very frail herself…84.

I asked her if the Monastery would take care of her, when she
goes further into the years of living. The Monastery is not capable. She would have to be put into a home out in Reno.

My best friend of eight years are going out for lunch today. We are going to speak about a few things.

I did some research last night about alzheimer disease that causes dementia. I found out some things about depression, cancer, etc. thru my natural research. Our bodies and mind can be taken care of thru awareness. We were never taught that at all.

Take care. I will be back.

Love,
mlb

Audrey March 28, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Hi Ladies, first I like to say, Linda honey I never thought of you as a sad sack. First I haven’t ever used those words before. I do understand, my husband passed 2 days before Halloween. He really loved seeing the grand kids dress up. He even bought a huge blow up monster that kids had to go through to get candy. So I don’t look at Halloween the same or any holiday. But I do know I need to be strong, not just for our family. But for him, I know Willie expects me to be. And at 17 months (today) I don’t feel completely there. I still struggle each day. I talk to him each day, write every night to him. I’m just trying to succeed like you and the rest of these ladies. I feel I can get on here and say what I feel, no body judges. That’s why I like being here. Linda it will get better in time (at least I’m told that) I know I have gotten better. And that is because of you, Suzanne, Mary51, Mary LB, Korina, Sandy, and all the Karens! Lol! Norma you too! You all are wonderful! Have a great night! God Bless! Audrey

Neal Stewart March 30, 2012 at 3:51 pm

My grandfather just passed away and my grandmother is a mess. I mean a mess. She is an absolute wreck. I just wish I could help her. It has been 4 months and I don’t know how to help. Death is a horrible thing, but nobody should have to go through it alone.
Neal Stewart recently posted..Cool Ipad Cases – Great Prices!My Profile

Corinne
Twitter:
March 30, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Attention: All members of our group:

We rarely get a request like this. We need to bond with Neal to help his grandmother. This is so hard and it seems he does not know how to help her.

He needs to help. Will you help him?

Corinne
Twitter:
March 30, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Neal – hang on. This is such a wonderful kind group I think you will find some great support and kindness here.

Karen N March 30, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Neal,
My prayers are with your grandmother. I know how hard it is for her. I lost my husband two years ago and now I am losing my father to brain cancer. My mother is a mess. She is in denial. She just found out that she is danger of having a heart attack. She is having a stress test Monday.

I wish I could tell you how to make it easier for your grandmother, but I can’t. She has to feel the grief and it is so not easy to go through especially as you get older. I am not sure how to help her and I have been through it!

Be patient and give her love and understanding. Let her talk about everything and anything!

God bless

Audrey March 30, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Hi Neal, I’m glad you found us. Two of my Aunts just lost my uncles within 10 days of each other. One uncle was 89 the other was 80. My uncle Bill who was 89 was I’ll, uncle Louie was sudden a blood clot like my husband. I’m telling you this because both of my Aunts must be your grandmothers age. My one Aunt said she is thinking of it like when he was in the Military. He would be gone a year or more. And she will see him again soon. My other Aunt said she is just keeping busy and knows they will be together again. As for myself, I’m 51 and was married 30 years to a wonderful loving man. He had a surgery and a blood clot took him from me. This won’t be easy for your grandmother. I imagine they were married many years. She was truly blessed to have many years. I like to think that my husband (Willie) is on vacation and will send me my ticket one day. And we will be together. I write in a journal each night and tell him about my day and about the grand kids. It really does help. Also tell her to talk out loud to him, he is listening. If she smells his cologne or a light flickers stuff out of the usual, it’s him with her. She isn’t alone. If you let her know about us, we would welcome her. The ladies here have gotten me through the last 17 months. You can say anything, someone is bound to help. I’m so sorry of your loss. But your grand father is happy and finally home. I’m hope I was able to help. Take care of your grandmother, she will need you. The bills, paperwork, whatever you can do. She will appreciate it. I know having my kids help like that meant so much to me. God Bless! Audrey

Karen March 31, 2012 at 1:03 am

Hi Everyone,
Well, another weekend….How I used to look forward to them!
Our weather is gorgeous and warm. I haven’t worn a coat for more than a week and don’t know when I used the heat last. (Good thing too, everything here in Madrid is so expensive that I need all the help I can get!)
Had a good session with my therapist yesterday….very encouraging. A dumb thing, but very significant, she says. I’m now sleeping on both sides of our bed, not just on my side. I normally don’t move around a lot when I sleep, but it seems I roll over now.
At the beginning, I couldn’t even sit on his side. (He died in our bed.) Everybody told me to get a new bed, a new mattress, paint, buy new curtains. You know something? I’m OK with it all now.
My therapist says I’m moving on. I hope so.
Peace for all of us this weekend. Smile at least once. Sprong is here.

Suzanne March 31, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Hello all,
Neal, God Bless you….you are a wonderful and loving grandson to care so much about your grandmother that you seek help for her. I wish you could help ease her pain, sweetie, but unfortunately, this is a process that she’ll have to endure on her own. You are experiencing your own grief over losing your grandfather. I don’t know how old you are but it’s a tough experience no matter what the age. I was 24 when the only grandfather I knew passed. He was such a loving, gentle man. I have very fond memories of him. My father was 84 when he passed and my mom was 82. She will be 90 this June and is doing remarkably well. I think what helped her the most was having me and my husband nearby to help with stuff around the house. Dad did all the “maintenence” stuff and after he died, it was overwhelming for her. Unfortunately, only 4 years after my dad passed, my Den passed from cancer so it’s just my mom and me. I help when I can with stuff around her house but I am only able to do so much. I was 50 when Den passed. If you live close by, that’s what you can help her the most with…..the daily grind of keeping up the house. It will be (or is) a comfort to know that family will help her will the basic stuff. Bless you again for caring so much about your grandmother. I wish that all young people would cherish their elders as you do.
Karen, I’m glad you had a good session with your therapist. You mentioned that you are now sleeping on both sides of the bed. It’s funny…..I remember one of the first things I did after Den died was to flip the mattress and start sleeping on “his” side. I don’t know if I mentioned or not…but the night Den died, he hemorrhaged ALOT in the house….not necessarily in bed but it seemed like it was everywhere….. So when I came home later the morning after he died (from the hospital), I started cleaning….I cleaned EVERYTHING….and I flipped the mattress. That very night…I slept on HIS side (it was the side I always wanted anyway …..how stupid). But now, I sleep ALL over the bed. God forbid I ever have to share a bed again!! LOL!! The cleaning thing after he died though….we were in the emergency room and Den told me that he was sorry that he made such a mess at the house. I remember telling him, “don’t worry, I’ll just steal some of these latex gloves and get everything cleaned up so it’s good and clean when you come home.” Oh God, I never dreamed that he wouldn’t come home again. Bless you, Karen, sleep ALL over the bed. I praise you for still being in YOUR bed. I think that eventually, you will change things up to make your space more “you” but this will come in time. It took a couple of years for me.
I know that you’ve all heard of me telling you of my daughter’s grieving issues. She was 19 when Den passed….she’s now 22. She is still very angry and is having problems accepting me dating. She was just a Freshman in college when Den passed and she’s just angry with the thought that I’m with a man other then her dad. Has anyone had the same experience? I am wanting to help her in some way but feel encapable. She is going to counseling so I hope at some point that it will help.
Hope all are having a good weekend.

Love you all,
Suzanne

Norma April 1, 2012 at 3:53 am

Neal

This tragedy that is happening to your Grandmother is something we all share on this site. The fact that you have been drawn here, means that you will find what you are looking for that may help her.

4 months is still early in to her journey and she will feel completly lost without her husband. I can only assume that they had a long life together. In some ways it is like losing a limb, one minute it’s there the next it’s gone, and you have to start dealing with that.

Neal, come back and ask your questions, but a warning first. You are very close to your grandmother and as such she may not respond to you, but until you try there is no way of knowing. All you can see at the moment is a woman you respect and love who is hurting. Keep giving her the support she needs, try to get her to talk to you or other family members and if she is technically minded direct her to this site.

On here you will find young and not so young widows at every stage of their grief. I’m 42 and my husband died over 2 years ago, but others here are grandmothers too and will be able offer different advice than me. There is a mix of how long we knew our husbands. It was 15 years for me (13 years married), whilst others have had a lifetime together and a few years apart.

It is important that you continue to give your grandmother the support she needs, no matter how painful this might be for you. But remember you have a life to lead as well and you should not take all of this responsibility upon your own shoulders. You need to try and get family members to support you as well.

Come back when you are ready, the Ladies here will help you.

Much peace love and strength.

Normaxxx

Suzanne April 1, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Norma, so great to hear from you again. I hope all is well with you. I’ve been thinking of you and hoping that you are doing well. Your thoughts are point on with Neal. Again, bless you Neal that you love your grandmother this much to seek help for her.

I went to a winery with one of my dear friends today. We had an exquisite time.. had a nice tour and got to sample 8 different wines. All for FREE! What a nice treat! The grapes that grow best in Florida are Muscadine grapes. You either love them or hate them. There are a few whites I like and a dry noir that I like. So I bought a couple of bottles for me and one for Sam (for graduation).
I hope that you all had a nice, peaceful weekend. I’m preparing for another week of “hell” at work but I’m “looking forward” to a long weekend with John, as next weekend, we’ll be traveling to a wonderful state park in the region and trail hiking.
I hope you all have a gentle week.

Suzanne

Jeanine April 1, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Neal,

What a blessing for your grandmother to have such a caring grandson! I am a grandmother who lost her wonderful husband to cancer after being married almost 43 years. Both my two children and two grandchildren have been a great support for me by letting me know they also miss their grandfather, and that they care about me. So, my advice is to stay in contact with your grandmother and let her know you care. Listen to her talk about how she misses your grandfather, even if she repeats herself often. She needs to vent, and to know there is someone who cares and is willing to let her vent. If she is computer savvy, direct her to this site… she’ll find that we understand, and will ‘listen.’

Blessings to you for being a loving grandson,
Jeanine

Norma April 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

Ladies, I’m never far away. I get all the posts and when I think I can help I will speak up. I’m doing fine, although I’m still searching for a life! My Dad is my inspiration, he has had a full life since my mum died, and he enjoys himself from the minute he gets up to the minute he goes to bed. Me on the other hand, it’s work, study, sleep. I am trying, some would say very…

If you need me you just need to say, I think about you all everyday, and I know that I’m never alone.

Keep safe, keep strong, keep smiling.

Much love, peace and strength.

Normaxxx

Audrey April 2, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Hi Norma, we all think of you too! You always give great advice. All you women do. Don’t know where I would be without you all. Need to go again to get the car looked at. This time it’s his Jag. Will it ever end? Hopefully it won’t be costly. Have a great night ladies, and Norma hang in there! God Bless, Audrey

Linda April 3, 2012 at 5:52 am

Good morning all. I was very disappointed when I didn’t see many new posts yesterday when I came to work. I really look forward to “talking” with you ladies. After the weekend, I usually am pretty well spent..lonely..deflated, so to speak. This weekend I actually had two offers..one from a dear friend and her husband (which never usually happens) and another from a dear friend across the street. My friend across the street helped me a lot in the beginning, but it dwindled after a while. I did not want to push things and see her when she has the time. She still has a husband..I don’t. She asked me if I wanted to go out to eat because her hubby didn’t want to eat until 8ish. I really didn’t want to eat early on Saturday either. It is bad enough I have nothing to do on the weekend, but I try to at least save my “hamburger” until 7:30 or 8. Makes it seems like my husband is still there. We never ate until then. On Sunday I had dinner with a lady from bereavement group. It was nice to have someone to eat with, but again, very sad. I would always look at the tables where my husband and I sat and had dinner together. I saw my therapist last night and truly think that maybe things are a bit played out with her. I think she no longer knows what to say to me and I feel it. I am not feeling better when I leave there and there is a lot of repetition now in her words. Has anyone else had that experience? When they feel that all has been said that can be? She actually told me I should see a psychiatrist if possible. Unfortunately everyone she referred me to does not take Blue Cross. How we are so held back sometimes by the cost of helping ourselves. Ladies, I still cry everyday and maybe that is why she feels she can’t help me. I try to feel normal for a moment or two, and then I realize that my future is gone….my love is not coming back…..I no longer have someone to wake up for, except me. And you know, I always loved him more than myself. The therapist asked me if I have any interests. I told her “not anymore”. I had so tightly woven his life into mine that my interests are gone because they all involved him. Every meal I cooked, every flower I plant, every little thing I would do in the house, even the laundry that I did, involved him. I get so sad doing my little load of laundry, but it always has some of him in it because I wear his pajamas and his knit shirts. But I cannot fool myself, becuase there is no longer his pile and my pile. It is all my pile now…my pile of hopelessness and lack of sense of self and lack of meaning. I even felt bad on Sunday when I went to church, which seems to be my only solace these days, when I realized that the priest who I went to see either doesn’t remember seeing me, or is one of those stoic types that doesn’t acknowledge it, or maybe he is like the priests I grew up with…who were not very nice at all, and the nuns were never nice. Maybe that is why it took me so long to regularly attend mass again and take the plunge …because nothing can hurt me anymore than the death of my husband…no priest can hurt me or nun yell at me that will be more painful than his death. My husband didn’t like to go to church because he attended Catholic school his whole life. He would go with me when I wanted to go and that is all. When he died, I started going to an Assembly of God church and thought that was where I belonged because he really enjoyed going there for Christmas mass and hopefully he received Jesus that night before he was taken from me. But after a while, I felt as though I didn’t belong anymore because I seemed to be the only one who was alone…no family, no joy, no way to help anyone except to donate food and money. I could not donate my time because the little time that I had was spent grieving. Now I went back to Catholic church ..the church where my husband had his mass. Not sure if I belong there either, but it is where I am right now. I don’t stand out like I did at the other church, where many women would look at me suspiciously and hope that I would not steal their husband. If only they knew the sorrow inside of me and how the only thing I really wanted was to be with him and not with anyone else in the world. But you see, they don’t know and it is not their fault. I don’t hear from quite a few people anymore because I am not a “couple” anymore. This is when you truly find out who trusts you and considers you a friend. This is when you truly find out who is family and who is not. This is when you truly find out a lot of things. I see that I am rambling, and yesterday, I couldn’t think of two words to say. I am hoping that I meet some people in my new group that will become long time friends. I am still friends with two people from the first one. I am very lonely, but as you can see, sometimes even though I am lonely, I am not apt to just go out for the sake of going out. Maybe I will never come out of my cocoon, but I know we all grieve differently. I wish I had that network of friends and family that most of you do. I see now that that makes all the diference in the world. When you wake up in the morning and know that someone cares about you, it matters. The person who cared about me is gone, and I truly feel that there is no one else who feels that way.

Karen April 3, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Hi Linda,
You know, I was thinking exactly the same thing last week when I saw my therapist. It seems like she says the same things to me over and over again. She’s always telling me that it’s important for me to get out. It’s important to do things with friends. I have to stop idealizing my husband and realize that he was human and had faults.
There are a couple of things, though.
At least when I talk to her, i’m venting and talking about EVERYTHING with somebody. My daughter continues to avoid talking about her father. It’s as if he never existed. She gets bent out of shape if I tell her I’m having a bad day or if I make what she calls a “depressing” reference to him. (For example, anything related to his leukemia.) I can talk to my therapist about the whole nightmare.
Second, she encourages me and tells me when she thinks I’ve accomplished something. I posted a few days ago that I can sleep on both sides of the bed now. I couldn’t do that a couple of weeks ago. I also still have our bed, and that’s where he died. It doesn’t bother me particularly. My therapist says this means i’m dealing with it all.
Small things, but important.
It may be repititious. It may not seem to be worth it.
I’d hang in there if I were you.
Love,
Karen

mary51
Twitter:
April 3, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Hello, I will be the happiest person if by tomorrow I wake up in my husband’s arms,
i am very tired of crying, alone, no family no freinds, he was/is all I got

Tina April 6, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I feel for you cos I feel like you my husband has been gone for 5 weeks on Sunday . So sudden he was 51 I’m heartbroken…. Don’t know what to do

Audrey April 3, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Hi sweet friends, I tried a therapist and it didn’t work. At least not for me. I never got any answers, just a nod of his head. As if he understood, NOT. I said forget this, I’m sticking with all of you. I can vent and cry and tell you all about how I’m feeling. It has helped me so much. Yes I have our kids and grand kids, but I don’t want to depress them. I still speak of him, as do they. He will always be a big part of my life. Over 30 years it won’t just go away. And Linda I get it when our couple friends just stop calling or coming around. Some right after his service. I heard nothing! I even sent cards to say hi. And still nothing. But I know in my heart I tried, you just learn who your real friends are. I really worry about you and Mary51. You are both wonderful caring women, and alot to offer. Linda I’m like you I wear my husbands shirts to bed. He would buy me real sexy Victoria Secret nities, well those just sit in my dresser. Maybe one day I will start to wear them again, but I haven’t felt like it in the last 17 months. I have been getting more migraines lately. I think it’s stress, worry about if our cabin will sell soon. Money goes quickly, so I worry. And his jaguar will cost me over 1000.00 I’m freaking. So some stuff will have to wait till later. All I have had since he passed was car trouble. But they will be running properly and he will be happy. He never put anything off. So I need to keep on my toes about the maintenance. Just wish I had won the lottery! Lol! That would of helped! So I’m keeping busy getting ready for Easter. The grand kids are so excited, they ask what we are gonna eat. They love my desserts (ert is what they call it, like Papa). I changed up one of my cookie recipes and made Macadamia nut with white chips cookies. They loved them. My kids even asked for me to make them for Sunday. It does make me happy. Linda like you I did everything for Willie. I cleaned, cooked, laundry, yard work etc.. With only him in mind. I lived for him, just like you. I would get up at 5am each morning make his lunch for the day. Cooked breakfast, and even blow dried his hair. I miss it. But I’m not feeling sorry for myself, he wouldn’t want me sad. I know this, for if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t want him so sad. I know he is with me, so I will keep trying and make him proud. And keep praying our cabin sells….. Well sorry I guess I have been rambling. But you all bring that out in me. Ha! Ha! No I really like to gab! Lol! Have a great night! Love to you all! God Bless! Audrey

mary lotus butterfly April 3, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Hi everybody,
Yes, we are all together and being friends. I do not think going to a therapist is all the answer. I found my comfort thru my spirituality. One of the things that my Barry would
request at this time of the year…was an Easter Basket. I would create a big basket for him of sweets. In the first year after Barry left, I bought an Easter Marshmellow Egg Candy for Barry. I think I finally ate it after a couple of years.

Barry’s totem animal is a Frog. Thru the three years that my Barry and I were together, I always gave him a Frog made of chrystals, etc. Thru my spiritual community, I found out that a young girl’s animal totem is a Frog. She is one of my little sister. I gave her the first Frog that I gave to my Barry. I let go. She will carry on the energy.

Well, we are coming up into Passover and Easter. I have been very busy planning and preparing for the Seder. I need to go into work abit on my day off to get the foods together for the Seder plate…the Cantor is holding the service.

I am cooking Beef Brisket and Honey Baked Ham for the cerebration of Passover and Easter. I am making Kasha with mushrooms.

I realized on how I have made a real difference, again with taking care of the elderlies and of giving of myself.

Light and Love,
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly

Linda April 4, 2012 at 6:09 am

Mary Lotus B, is this Seder for the elderly home that you cook at? Are you cooking the Easter and Passover meals for them? And I am guessing that the home that you cook for is all religions or non-denominational? Please let me know. You do so much! You are really my inspiration, if only I had the time at this point. I am learning from you, as from everyone else.

mary51
Twitter:
April 4, 2012 at 5:18 am

Good morning!!! ????? I am still here, my wish was not grated, maybe tonight…..

Linda April 4, 2012 at 5:58 am

Oh MARY!!!!!!!!!! I cannot write now because my bosses will be in and look over my shoulder, but when I got to your post, I laughed!! You made me laugh!!! Why????? Because you sounded like me!!! “Good morning”!!!!!???? “I am still here, damn it”!!!! I usually don’t say damn it, but I say ” Dear Lord, why another day? Why did you keep me another day? My lovepuppy, why am I still here? I want to be with you. Maybe tomorrow. I love you so.” I just had to write to you Mary51. Your sadness made me laugh in a good and caring and understanding way. Does this make you and I crazy that we feel this everyday when we wake up? No. It is love…

I will be back later. Oh how I love all of you ladies.

mary lotus butterfly April 4, 2012 at 7:28 am

Hi everybody,
Linda, yes the home that I work for consist of all people from all religions, spirituality and walks of life.

My spiritual community is the same way….the Universal Belief system.

I was angry with loosing my Barry and angry at myself. I am rediscovering myself…as to why I do what I do. I am most
humble. I AM. That is out of the Bible. We are given the gift
to find the way to peace, love and the knowledge.

mlb

Linda April 4, 2012 at 10:10 am

Mary Lotus, you got your comfort through your spirituality, but you had someone to help you with that and you became a Reverand in the process. I have no one to guide me with something like that and no one to guide me at all except therapists, and yes, I am starting to lose hope in that approach but do not have a lot of other alternatives. Hope I don’t lost this blog later. Once I get on once inthe morning, I cannot get back into the posts later on. Takes me 30+ times sometime. Don’t know what I am doing wrong.

Suzanne April 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Hello ladies,
Mary 51 and Linda, I am trying to read your posts in a lighter manner. I like that you found humor with Mary’s post, Linda. It is kind of funny. But I want so much more for you two. I want you both to know that there is so much to live for! Mary, have you thought any more about working at the orphanage? Remember, God speaks to you in voices you may not expect. Always have your ears open and listen……He will gently nudge you in a good direction. Please consider this. Linda, maybe THIS therapist isn’t right for you. Remember, you can always see a different counselor. I think that alot of how they react to their clients is based on their own life experiences. My daughter is seeing a therapist who is also a widow and had a son the same age as my daughter when her husband died. So she really “gets” where Sam is at and she where I’m at too. Even though these therapists are schooled and trained, I still think that if they have had some similar experiences to ours, they may be more empathetic and helpful.
I also wanted to share one of my Griefshare daily messages with you all. If may give you all some comfort:

Healing is not about doing better or being stronger or going to church more. It is about experiencing a love that will never let you go.

Joni Eareckson Tada says, “Your deepest need when you are hurting is to have God, like a Daddy, reach down and pick you up and hold you and reassure you that everything is going to be okay. He lets you know that your life is not in nightmarish chaos, your world is not splitting apart at the seams. Somehow and somewhere there is order and stability to it all. And that’s why God never gives advice; He gives Himself.”

Let go of the shreds of your life you have been hanging on to and embrace God.

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling” (Psalm 68:5).

“You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more” (Psalm 10:17-18).

Remember, God is a defender of widows. Just give Him your burdens and He will protect you and guide you. You just have to be open to receiving Him.

I’m taking a long weekend this Easter weekend and I’m going with John to a state park where we’ll hike some trails and just relax. I really love hiking in the woods.

I hope you all have a restful weekend. Love to you all.

Suzanne

mary lotus butterfly April 4, 2012 at 1:19 pm

To all of my dearest friends,

Starting New
A Moment of Choice

We can choose to start over in this very moment, there is no need to wait for a new year or a new month or a new week.

There are times in our lives that lend themselves to starting something new. The beginning of a new year, finishing school, leaving a job, or changing homes—these all are times that turn our minds to fresh starts. Their advantage is that they bring with them the energy of that event, creating a tide of change around them that we can ride to our next shoreline. But we can choose to start anew anytime. In any moment we can decide that a bad day or a relationship that’s gotten off on the wrong foot can be started again. It is a mental shift that allows us to clean the slate and approach anything with fresh eyes, and we can make that choice at any time.

Starting new is most powerful when we focus our attention to what we are choosing to create. Giving all of our attention to the unwanted aspects of our lives allows what we resist to persist. We need to remember to leave enough room in the process of new beginnings to be kind to ourselves, because it takes time to become accustomed to anything new, no matter how much we like it. There is no need to get down on ourselves if we don’t reach our new goals instantly. Instead, we acknowledge the forward motion and choose to reset and start again, knowing that with each choice we learn, grow, and move forward.

Making the choice to start anew has its own energy—it’s a promise made to you. The forward momentum creates a sort of vacuum behind it, pulling toward you all you need to help you continue moving in your chosen direction. Once the journey has begun, it may take unexpected turns, but it never really ends. Like cycles in nature, there are periods of obvious growth and periods of dormancy that signal a time of waiting for the right moment to burst forth. Each time we choose to start anew we dedicate ourselves to becoming the best we are able to be.

Love and Light,
mlb

mary51
Twitter:
April 4, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Thank you for these words! God bless you!

mary lotus butterfly April 5, 2012 at 2:54 am

Hi everybody,
I went to Sacred Circle last night. My Pastor’s topic was “Using Anger in Spiritual Wisdom”. I learnt that I carried a lot of anger in our “Shadow Self” the unconcious mind.

My Pastor have been working with me on my anger, that I did not realized I have. I guess I never had acknowledge it before. I have been working hard on myself, digging into crevices deep iside of myself. I have been studing and learning in discovering myself.

Yes, I am angry that my Barry died…leaving me behind to deal with myself and with life. Last night was the first time that I used the word “died” in the last four years. My Pastor
told me that Barry gave me a Gift, by leaving so that I can
come into my own true being and being empowered.

My meditation last night lead me onto a path that I follow, which lead me up the mountain side to a Temple. I entered the Temple. In the middle of the Temple was a pond. I stepped into the pond and sat down. Ascended Masters Lady
Nada, Pallas Athena and Archangel Michael were there with me. They kept pouring water over me again and again. As they did that my own inner light was getting brighter and brighter. They finally wrapped me a golden cloak. It melted into me. My Pastor told me that I was being baptised.

It cut away the pains and chains of life that held me back. I do feel more peaceful.

One of my dearest friend, who I bought into my spiritual community…we are holding a Seder Sacred Circle next Wednesday. We are both Reverends, Reiki Masters and graduates of the Merkaba higher light.

Have a happy Passover and Easter, everybody.

Light and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly

Linda April 5, 2012 at 6:03 am

Good morning everyone. Yes, another holiday. I tend to try to rush through them and get them overwith. I went to my bereavement group last night and there will be a Reiki healing session on our last night together. I am looking forward to it. I went to one a while back and it was so so crowded and I so so cried during it that I was not sure if I got anything out of it, but possibly I did. The person who did it was also a Reiki Master and is also somewhat of a medium. She said that she got her powers when she was very sick and was told she could either cross over or remain with special powers. She remained. I think that I need a heeling very soon because I am tired, and feeling empty and alone. I want to feel he is with me. She said he is.

Mary Lotus B, I really wish I was part of your circle and had that kind of spiritual support. I am trying my best to help myself, but it is really so much better when we have others. I am going to try to reach out to one or two of the ladies from the group this weekend. Yes, I am saying that now, and then I will sit in my husband’s chair all weekend and grieve, but I do have the intention of trying to be with others and help others in my situation. We ladies in the group have that in common, if maybe nothing else…the loss of the love of our life. Their loss involved a lengthy sickness, mine was sudden, but in the end we are alone and overwhelmed and without the love we knew. I want to hold him and feel him with me. I try to feel that, I really do, but was told I cannot let him in when I am hurting so badly.

Suzanne, do not worry about me. I have all of you, and I just hurt so badly. It is so wonderful having the care I have from all of you. Funny, we spoke about anger last night in the group. Yes, I am angry at so many people and so many things and at God. He took my light away and my heart. There has to be a reason, yes? Suzanne, yes, I probably need to stop seeing my therapist and eventually find someone else who I can grow more with. I feel that what she has to give is over and what I have to say to Her is over. I hope you all have a wonderful Easter and Passover. I will be cooking for a crowd too, Mary Lotus B. I have to bring food to my stepdaughter because she is doing Easter this year. Making swedish meatballs, a delish Mexican casserole that I invented myself a while back, and asparagus which I am not sure yet how I will prepare…maybe something that can be left at room temp instead of heated. I have so much to carry there now that I am alone. I used to have my helper, my friend, my lover, my other half…now I have to go alone and it is so hard. It is so hard. Love you all.

Karen N April 5, 2012 at 6:58 am

I know how you feel. This is the first holiday in my life that I will not be around family, except for my father who is dying and my mother for Easter. Boys are busy with their own thing – younger son is having car trouble and doubt he will come over; older son with boys has his pregnant girlfriend and the grandchildren will be with their mother for the holiday (although I will get to see them for an hour in the am when they come over to do an Easter egg hunt in the yard.) Things are SO different. I used to have a house full with family and laughter – no so any longer. That too is a tough adjustment. I feel as if because Paul is not around, they don’t feel it is worth making the effort. I feel as if my son’s don’t consider my feelings or if I have someone around at the holidays. I will treasure the last holiday with my father (such as it will be because the brain cancer has taken over quite a bit. He spends more time sleeping and the little time he is up, he is so confused. It is impossible to carry on a conversation any longer. And you have to help him with so many things now.)

I will be going to Holy Thursday mass tonight and Easter Vigil onSaturday evening.

Enjoy your Easter and Passover as much as you can ladies.

mary lotus butterfly April 5, 2012 at 6:26 am

Hi Linda,
Try looking for a Unity Church. Meet up with the Pastor and talk with him. He will help you and lead you in the right
direction.

MLB

Linda April 5, 2012 at 8:00 am

Thank you Mary Lotus, I will do that. Karen, I know how you feel because I only have stepkids and if it weren’t for me, I probably would not be touch with my daughter and as far as my son, I have only heard from him a handful of times this year. I asked my husband’s parents to come over a while back, but they only wanted to come if other people were coming too. Yes, there is no point in coming to my house anymore unless I am cooking. Of course, when my love was alive, most of the times I cooked when people came over, but they had him also.,,not just the boring grieving wife. Yes, things change. Karen, I feel for you. I really do. I watched my father die, and I lost my Mom also. Lots of time spent in the hospital…. visiting, worrying…being an orphan. My father’s cancer went to his brain very quickly and he couldn’t talk anymore. It was sad. He didn’t live much longer after that. He talked but it made no sense. It was so sad and pathetic. All the people I loved the most in my life are gone. That is why sometimes living doesn’t make any sense for me…just to survive…to reach out? to finish my work? Why? What work? Oh here I go. Bye.

Karen Schieffer April 5, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Hi all. Happy Easter to all of you. Been so busy. I got a new Great Grandson. He was born on March 27th. Mom and baby are doing very well. His name is Bryce Avery and he weighed 6 lbs. 6 ounces and was 19 and 1/2 inches long. So cute. That is our 2nd ‘great’ and was just informed a couple of weeks ago that our oldest Grandson Alex and his wife are now expecting also. He just finished two tours in Iraq and is now back in the states. Our family is growing by leaps and bounds.

A friend from work asked me at church if she could come by and visit after church last Sunday. She had never been here. Her husband also died from cancer. Her 1 year anniversary is coming up the 22nd of May. She loved my place but said she could see where it is a lot of work for one person. Added it would be a lot for two. It is and it was. We talked about our hubbys. She started to cry and said she was sorry. I told her I am about 8 months ahead of her but I remember what the first year was like and don’t feel bad if you need to cry. She stayed about 4 hours. She wants to come back when the pool is open. That won’t be long.

I see where some are still having a hard time. I am so sorry. I truly believe that you have to keep yourself busy. No sitting around. Too much time on your hands is not good. Maybe it will help when the weather warms up and we can all work in our yards.

Having a birthday party here at the house on Saturday for my Grandson Mike who turned 21 and his sister Amber, she turned 16, both share the same birthday. The day they were born was the same day my Dad died. But, he died April 2, 1971. They have 2 younger sisters. The youngest one just turned 4 on April 1st. Many birthdays in their family close together.

I am doing a 5K walk/run on Saturday morning. The church is raising money for orphans in Uganda. Also for foster kids in our state. I think several of my kids are going to do this too.

Suzanne, I hope you have a wonderful time with John this weekend walking the trails. I am so happy you have found someone that you can care for again. What a blessing!

Ladies, be nice to yourselves. Do something special. You deserve it. Try and have some fun.

Blessings to you all.

Karen Schieffer

Audrey April 6, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Happy Easter weekend ladies, Karen S. you are right keeping busy is what keeps me going. I just passed the 17 month mark, so close to you. Congrats on the great grand babies! That is such a gift. Have our newest grand son, he was born Jan. 8 of this year. So adorable! Grand kids make me happy again. Our youngest grand daughter Sammy is 3 1/2 and loves phantom of the opera with Gerard Butler. She put bolonga on the side of her face and said she was the phantom! Couldn’t stop laughing, for her to think of that was amazing. Had to tell you. Getting ready for Easter, cleaning and setting up dining room. I’m having 19 family members coming. I’m looking forward to it. Need to bake tomorrow. But I will first go visit Willie, and lite a candle for him. Suzanne I hope you have a great hike with John. So happy for you! Love you ladies! God Bless! Audrey

Karen N April 7, 2012 at 4:55 am

Audrey, I used to have the large family (18) get togethers every holiday. Now I have to guess what I am doing. So different. Sister off doing her own thing. Son’s too busy. I wonder sometimes what happened to me. Does any one think of me in my family? I see my grand kids when I am needed to babysit not for fun stuff.

Sad I lost my family as well as Paul. I am spending Easter with my mother and my father who is dying from a brain tumor. He hardly gets out of bed any longer and is so confused. My sister doesn’t even think about dad and she lives only a few miles away.

I try to keep busy, but unfortunately, it is taking care of my aging/dying parents at the moment. More healing!

God bless ladies!

Tina April 7, 2012 at 2:48 am

I miss my chris so much , don’t want a life without him ‘ pray to god every day to come get me ‘ I just want to be with him

mary51
Twitter:
April 7, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Tina so sorry for your loss, I am in my 10th month and i feel like day 1, me too, would like this to be my last day in this planet, i miss my husband so much i want to be with him, I know i can not do any harm to myself becuase i will be even more separated from him, he was an excellent person so I know he is with God, like many of his co worker used to called him , gentle giant, he really was a great guy, some of his close friends called him SUAVE, he never scream or yeild to anyone and someone was in trouble he/she will come to my husband for advice, they trusted his opinion. I miss my gentle giant, he was more than 6 feet I am barely 5 kind of odd couple. You, tina will feel like a rollecoaster, this is not an easy journey i would like to tell you something different but unfortunaly is a cruel true, not an easy life the one we all got.

Norma April 7, 2012 at 4:22 am

Tina – hang in there. You are so early into this journey and the pain is so raw. Everyone here shares your heartache, for we have all been through it and are still going through it. It’s not an easy journey, but with support and a little patience you will move forward. Don’t be too hard on yourself and come back here whenever you need. It’s a place where we all share, a place where we all vent but above all a place where we all support each other.

Much strength, peace and love to you.

Normaxxx

Tina April 7, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Than
Thank you for reply, I wish I could believe I will ever feel better, in feel like he’s been stolen ,he went to the gym and never came home , 18 days before our first grandchild was to be born ‘ how is this fair? I know no one has the answers , but I keep asking , I also keep asking chris if he can see me to talk to me , show me, give me a sign , I feel so much pain , I feel for my children , but I know they will cope , as I’ve lost my own parents and you can feel happy again , but my chris , my husband , my best friend , this is different, I can never ever accept this , I just want to go be with him, I pray every day to go , I’ve told my kids , I know they will be upset but I want to go to dad! I would do it my self but I believe if I do a bad thing , I won’t get to be with him .I wish other people dead instead of chris, there is something wrong with me I’m going mad ..

mary lotus butterfly April 7, 2012 at 8:43 am

Hi everbody,
Just want to wish you all a Happy good Passover and Easter,
again.

All the residents loved my cooking last night. I made matzoh
ball soup, chopped chicken liver salad, latkes (potato pancakes) served with applesauce. We had gelfite fish, pickled herring in wine sauce. We had hard boiled eggs, potato salad, coleslaw and carrot salad. I gave them a healthy
serving of charoses…which I make of apples, almonds, walnuts, wine, cinnamon and ginger. I give the residents a
macaroon, also. We had matzoh bread, an unleavened bread.

We are going to hold the seder again tonight. I am making some cold borscht soup for them served with sour cream. Then, I will have to get ready for Sunday. We are cerebrating Passover and Easter all together. I have beef brisket with an onion sauce, baked honey ham, kasha with celery, mushrooms and onions, oven roasted potatoes, green beans and carrots.

Love and Light to all,
mary lotus butterfly

Tonya Ouimet April 7, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Seeing lots of panful comments I send all my love to you all having such a had time its been 10 moths since I lost my husband and know the extreme pain I see some of you are feelng n my heart breaks. Please keep your heads up and know you will make it through the days and as each day goes by you will see u strength will grow. I send all my love out to you ladies n know you are neve eve alone no matter how dark it may seem to you. WidowintheCity.blogspot.com

Tonya O

Audrey April 7, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Happy Easter to you all! Wishing you great blessings! Karen N. I’m so sorry life has changed so much for you. I’m doing my best to keep things the same. You have so much on your shoulders, I pray for you and all the rest of you lovely ladies. I was going through some pictures to find some of our younger son. He wanted to see how his son looks like him. I was seeing the life we had, how happy we all were. Yes I cried, it hurts the pain will always be there. But I saw how blessed we were. That God had us find each other, that’s a blessing. Tina welcome, we all know the pain you feel. We are here for you. 5 weeks isn’t long. I’m just over 17 months, and yes I would love to wake up in heaven. But I know I’m being selfish, for our kids and grandkids need me. I’m sure Chris was able to meet your beautiful grandchild, in heaven. I say this because the medium I spoke to told me last April about us having another grand child. My Willie said it was a boy. But at the time no one was pregnant. Following month our youngest son said his wife was pregnant. I told him his dad said it was a boy. Well weeks later after her test, it’s a boy. He arrived January 8th. I know my Willie met him, and was with him till he joined our family. His name is Ethan William, I call him Willie like my husband. Honey this is a rough road we all are on. But all these woman are wonderful, and help so much. We all will be here for you, through all your firsts. Easter probably being the beginning. Your husband is with you. I have had a few dreams that felt so real, I smelled him, felt him. That didn’t happen till months after he passed. But God willing it will happen for you. I hope it does. We are here, get on any time. Mary LB, the foods you made so real good! Made me hungry! Lol! I cooked today as well as baked. Carrot cake, coconut banana cream pie and macadamia nut cookies. Ladies we just need to keep busy. For myself I know when I don’t, I think to much and get upset. But I know it won’t do me any good. So I trive to keep going and make my Willie proud. Easier said then done. When I visited him i didn’t want to leave…. Tina this life is hard. But I pray I will learn to adjust and be happy. God Bless! Audrey

mary lotus butterfly April 7, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Hi everybody,
To all the newbies that have found this site. I am sorry for your losts.

Two of the elderlies got married Saturday evening at my place
of work. See love always exist, no matter how late in life. After I witness it, I had to leave. I was remembering my Barry and our wedding and trying not to cry. We were together only for 3 1/2 years. Now, it has been four years and
three months later…my heart is still very tender.

I am taking a picture of our wedding group with me to work, so that I can see it as I work all day. I would make Barry an Easter basket filled with candies, sweets and little gifts every
year. I think I will go and get some Easter candy and take into work with me to share with my co-workers.

My closest friend of eight years, Peter is coming to have the big Passover/Easter meal with Peggy, who is 89. She looked abit confused with her dementia, but she recognizes me.

Peter and I are both ordained Reverends over the last three years. We are both Reiki Masters. We are both graduates of the Merkaba, which means Light (mer), Spirit (ka) andBody (ba).

I keep myself very busy in studying and working with the seniors…helping to make a difference…caring and bringing a smile to them.

I am studying from the book “YHWH”, The Keys of Enoch now. Since I decided to hold my own Sacred Circles once a month on Ascended Masters…I have done so much studying and learning. What a Journey in discovering! It leaves me in awe of the vastness of spirituality!

Happy Passover and Easter to all.

Light and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly

Suzanne April 8, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Happy Easter ladies,
I didn’t celebrate this Easter as I traditionally would have. John and I went away this weekend and hiked 7 (yes, I said 7) state parks. They are all in the north central region of Florida. We saw the Ichetucknee and Sante Fe Rivers on Friday. We went to 3 parks on Saturday and 2 more today that border the Suwannee River. We stayed at a river resort right on the Suwannee. Our word for the weekend was “rustic”. Our accomodations were certainly not 4 star but we had a great time. We probably hiked 5-6 miles over the course of the weekend….most of it on Saturday. One of the parks on the Suwannee is the Big Shoals State Park….it’s a less dramatic version of a river with rapids…..very unusual in Florida but certainly worth the long hike to see. All in all, I felt that it was a wonderful way to celebrate Easter….taking in the joy of spring and new life. We had absolutely perfect weather.

Tina, welcome to our site. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband, like mine (and so many others on here), was way too young to die. This new life is certainly not what I had pictured for myself at my age (now 53). I have been on this journey for 37 months (Den was 54 and I was 50). Like Norma says, you are in the infancy of this journey and it’s all so raw and painful. And I’m not going to promise that this pain will go away soon. I love thinking though (like Audrey said) that Chris got to meet your grandchild before all of you did. What a beautiful and comforting thought! Hang on Tina. We are all here for you. Come to us any time…..we all love to gab and vent and support each other.

Well ladies, I’m not sure how often I will be on over the next two weeks. I’m officially moving one of my company’s branches this week and setting up in the new location next week. Wish me well…..I am truly dreading this whole experience.

Keep plugging away out there. My prayers and love go out to all of you.

Suzanne

Norma April 8, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Tina – what you are feeling, believe it or not, is natural. There are so many bad people, why didn’t one of them die instead of Chris? To answer that question, they did. People die whether good or bad, what makes it worse is that our husbands died before we were ready to let them go. I expected to spend the rest of my life with my husband, not the rest of his. He died at the age of 46, just as I was about to turn 40. Yes this gives me lots of time (hopefully) to find love a second time around, but its not what you expect.

At the weekend, very close friends of the family lost their eldest son, he was 46. David was a father, husband and grandfather, but because of his age, it took me back to when Martin died. Its not right, but it happens. I was sad yesterday, I sat in my room and watched tv all day. I had other things I should have been doing, but I just couldn’t get the motivation to do them. Today is a new day, onwards and upwards. I know that these things will happen, people younger than Martin die every day, the difference is they are not mine to love.

Hang in there Tina, you are not going mad, you are going through everything that we, on this site, have gone through. That’s why we are here to help you when you need it.

Much love, peace and strength to you all.

Normaxxx

mary51
Twitter:
April 9, 2012 at 5:58 am

Good morning to all!!!! Another week adn i am still here, I would like to thank everybody for their support, i do not what i have done without you, as you know I live in an isolated area so it is not easy for me to go around you are my only support, my family is very small, parents are 87 and 93 so i can not count with them and I do not like to tell them how i really feel, i always tell them i am fine , I m not but i do not want them to worry, my daughter busy work, school and boyfreind, has no time at all, my son never calls me or send me e mails, he says is is very busy, my sister …. busy ……my brother busy…….. so really do not know waht to do if i go back to Florida I will be alone, my parents are too old and their time is gettin close, they are the only one i can count on, I will be without health insurance, no job, no house, no money, my SS check is enough to live a decent life here, but is not enough in Fl, it will not even pay for a house rent! I am stuck here no where to go and so tired of been alone all the time!!!! I miss my husband so much , I am in such a pain, I know i need help but where to go? god give us comfort!!!

Karen Schieffer April 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

I am so sorry that you are in such pain still Mary. I think being alone there with no one really to talk to makes it so much harder. You really need to be around people. Have you given any more thought to the orphans? I hope you will truly consider it. We did a 5K walk/run Saturday. Two of my sons ran it and my daughter-in-law, myself and four of my Grandchildren walked it. We live in a small town but I think there was about 150+ people. Between the garage sale, bake sales and 5K, I think we raised about $5,000 for the orphans in Uganda. These poor children have no shoes and wear the same clothing for a week or more straight. I think working with the orphans will help you so much Mary. Just try it and see.

Suzanne I am so happy that you had your 3 day weekend with John walking the parks. I pray that your next two weeks moving the company will go smoothly for you.

Norma I didn’t realize that you were such a young widow. I am so sorry. I married my guy when I was 32 and he passed when I was 59. Couldn’t even imagine him being gone so early into our marriage. So sad for you. I know we have several widows who are fairly young and even some with small children. Jackie I hope you still read the posts. I pray your son is completely cancer free at this time.

Audrey we got a Grandson 16 days after my husband passed away and now a new Great Grandson. I hope they can see them. We had two babies pass before their births. (stillborn) I know Charlie is in heaven playing with them and watching them grow up too.

Tina and Tonya, keep coming back and read the posts. Send your own. It will help you and the others here going through it also.

We all made it through another holiday. I had a party here with 27 people on Saturday and after Easter/Resurection Sunday morning worship service, I just crashed and slept a lot. Today is a new day. Keep your heads up ladies. Think of something you and your husband did together that made you so happy….and smile. We were truly blessed to have our men and I thank God for that.

Love to you all,
Karen Schieffer

Karen April 9, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Hi Everyone,
Another holiday over….
How sad that I look at events as being “over” or some other milestone or important date that I’ve been able to get through”. I used to enjoy my life so much and now it all seems such a chore. today, yet another monday, that I’ve got through. Avelino has been gone 22 weeks today. when will Mondays just be Mondays again?
I was out tonight with some froends from the U.S. and ran into neighbors on the way home. We went to have a drink in the neighborhood, and when I got home, my daughter was bent out of shape because she claimed that I needed to call her and tell her to go ahead with her dinner. Hey…I HAD called to tell her I was having a little down time…time purely for me.
Why can’t i have my time?
Why does she feel that she gets to do what she wants, when she wants, but I’m out of control when I try to be a litttle normal…for just a little while?
Tina, wherever you are….I understand you. My husband was really ill, but had been well for long periods. The first days are days of unspeakable hell. You know, I don’t even remember the first week after my husband died. i’m far from being well, but you will find the strength to get through this unbelievably bad time.
I’m right, aren’t I, ladies? I feel so awful the majority of the time, but I’m too young to curl up into a ball.
Suzanne, hope you had a great weekend.
Audrey, we’re healing.
Mary, we’re here for you.
Peace…and feeling better….for all of us.
Love,
Karen

mary51
Twitter:
April 9, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Hi again, thank you for all your support. I am thinking about the orphans but sometimes i get so angry, I did not come to this place to be a Mother Theresa I came to be with my husband to be very close now that we both retired, instead I am alone in a foreing country I miss him so much I do not understand God’s way I really do not, My husband was a great person and he is gone!!!!! Thank you !

Audrey April 9, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Hi everyone, well the family was here for Easter. It was great, love them so much. I would of curled up and died too if it wasn’t for them, and you ladies. Seeing the 2 grand babies barely 3 months in bunny ears was so sweet. I know Willie was smiling! I am trying, I have gotten migraines in the last month. I know it’s stress, I worry about the cabin selling. I can hold on with a very tight budget for almost another year. If no other car issues come up. I have to think positive. Karen S. I’m so sorry to hear about the babies that were still born. But you are right your husband is with them! They are happy with their grandpa. And you should be so proud of what you did for those children, I’m proud of you! You’re fantastic! Suzanne good luck with the job move. That will be stressful. But you are keeping busy and sound real happy with John. I’m so happy for you! Keep smiling, you give me hope. I still get texts here and there from Kirk, we are friends. Can’t have to many of those! Mary51 it will get better, I felt I turned a corner after a year. But we all are different. Honey I still cry, but not anything like I was. I know I’m stronger. But you do have it a lot harder being out there and alone. But I know that you would be great for those children. Maybe God wants you to do this to get you among people again. You never know who is around the next bend. We are here for you! Norma hello, I missed you. You are right about good people passing on to soon. Our husbands passed to soon, that’s for sure. And spending the day watching t.v. And just kicking back is ok. You must have needed it. Take good care of yourself. Tonya and Tina, as you can see it’s a rough road we are on. Keep busy, that is what helps me. I went to see my Willie and brought him roses and a anniversary balloon. 2nd one without him. It’s Wednesday, but I will be alright. Made plans last year with the kids, but not this year. Can’t expect them to do it for me each year. It’s suppose to rain here on Wednesday, but I still plan to visit him. Ok now to some happier news. Ok no one laugh, but I have been saying hello to a man who drives the school bus at my grandkids school. It’s a short bus, he helps the handicap children which I admire. He introduced himself today, his name is Steve. He asked if I ride bikes, I thought bicycles! Lol! I said not since I was a kid. He no, motorcycles. I said no, I’m chicken. He laughed, and I introduced him to my grand daughter. She has never been on a school bus. He said next time he will give her a little tour of the bus. My daughter showed up then, and we said good bye. So my daughter is enjoying giving her mom a hard time. Saying mom has the hots for a bus driver. He is a just a nice guy. And you know he must be ok, school does a back ground check. So I feel safe. Just haven’t felt happy like this in a while. Not that anything will become of it, but you never know. That’s why Mary51 I say you never know what’s around the next bend. A person or child to make you happy again. God Bless! Audrey

mary lotus butterfly April 9, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Hi everybody,

Mary51, be brave…let yourself to survive and exist. That is what we all have. Look at the ocean, the sky, the sun and the moon. Let yourself feel the wind. Walk your dogs.

Consider about getting a room mate or even renting out at periods of time of renting out a room for single people, widows, widowers…that want a place to go to get away from their regular lives. Use your imagination.

Giving the opportunity to help in the orphanage…it will be taking yourself out of your own skin and learning to help others and give. No, you are not Mother Thersa. You just have the love of your husband in your heart. You will not loose that love…it will always be there. It will comfort you as
time goes by.

Take that first brave step in living and surviving.

Audrey, I am smiling. You allowed yoursef to learn and allowed your heart to be open and not harden up. One cannot imagine what might happen.

Monday, one of the son of the residents waved at me. I had seen him a few times at a distance. He introduced me to his
mother, who moved in a couple of months ago. He told me that I am a very good chef and that I must have a lot of patience. I told him that I do meditations which helps me.

He asked if he could ask me out to lunch, when I am off…to let him know.

Now, I am very self conscious. I feel so used up at times with life of living. I feel that I am just bone and skin, now. I have been learning to wear my dentures for the past year. I am 63. I know that it is all about my self-esteem.

But…Somehow, my spirt shines thru. He thinks that I look so young. He noticed that I was not wearing a wedding ring. I told him that I lost my husband four years ago.

With blessings to all.
mlb

Sandy from MN April 10, 2012 at 7:17 am

I thought this was a good message for all of us. I get a message from this man every day.

Michael Mapes
is a Des Moines, Iowa based psychic, speaker and spiritual teacher. He is available for readings, speaking engagements and motivational events.

“I am perfect exactly as I am.

Let us take a moment today to completely let go of any ideas, thoughts or judgments we hold about where we should be, what we should be doing or what our life should be like. Suspend all thoughts related to what you could be doing better and what you could be doing worse.

Practice this affirmation throughout the day, “I am perfect exactly as I am.” It’s a powerful thing to focus on becoming more spiritual, but one of the most effective ways we can advance that process is by practicing radical acceptance. This is a form of self-acceptance where you give ourselves permission to be exactly who we are. It is a way of letting go of our self-judgments through learning to love the whole of our being. “

Kathy W April 10, 2012 at 1:06 pm

It’s been 15 months now, &it seems like only yesterday. I still carry his picture in the car to “watch” over me. I had a job for awhile, but it was so full of anxiety, & I was not able to “learn” quick enough & get along with the uptown boss. Now I am back to square one, desperately trying to find a job to survive. My daughter is paying my utility bill, thaa god. I had to take some more stuff to the pawn shop today juu to get gas for a job interview as a dispatcher for a city. I hope & pray I get it. I don’t care about the hours, don’t even know what it pays, but please god, help me get it so I can be self sufficient again. I had such a wonderful life & now all I can think of is: “those were the days” my friend song. The dog has fleas, can’t even afford to get him medicine for that. It’s been hot down here in Fl, & It’s not even summer yet. But hey! I got hired to create a sign for bikefest down here & they paid me $130.00, wow! & this week I am going to create a chalk art to be preserved for bikefest at the end of the month of a chopper. I love art. so at least that is great news. ok, now I’m going back to look for more jobs, something. Thanks for listening. Kathy W

mary51
Twitter:
April 10, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Hello, Kathy, so sorry you lost your job, I understand you, my head is so heavy, i can not concentrate, I forget things so easy, That is one reason I am thinking to go back to Florida, here my SS check is enough to live a decent life, there I will be like you worry wether i will make it toward the end of the month, and of course find a job as soon as possible, who will be hiring a 61 year old women when there are lot of young people without a job? I can not see my self applying for jobs, going to interviews, my last interview was 25 yeras ago, i was working same place, till we decided to make this move, What about experience? I do have lot of it, but I know what they are going to say you are overqualify and we can not offer what you deserve, of course they are not going to say you are too old, that is against the law./I am stuck here no where to go this life we had it is not easy at all. I read the other side there are not worries, life is pleasant, I would like to be with my husband not here or in FL. God give us comfort.

Jeanine April 10, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Hello All,

I read all your posts and can identify with almost everything written…. some more than others. It has been a little over three years and nine months since my Don went to be with our Lord, and some days I feel his absence more than others, but I ALWAYS feel his absence to some degree, and I anticipate I will to the day I die. In fact, I want to. But, I’m hoping that eventually I won’t have days where I crash emotionally because I am without him. When that happens I realize how much God has cushioned me from the stark reality of life without Don. Before Don got sick I would pray fairly regularly, but I didn’t rely on God for strength and peace because He gave that to me through Don. Ever since Don was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2006 I have been given strength and guidance through prayer and Scripture, and that is how I’ve endured all these years….. especially since Don died. However, occasionally I get a glimpse of what it would have been like if I didn’t have our Lord to lean on, and I am devastated. I think God lets this happen as a healing process, and it is a slow process because so much of me went with Don…… and because I am weak, thus would not have survived facing life without Don if it weren’t for God’s grace.

I pray for God’s guidance for those of you who are seeking relationship with another man. Even though that is not something I can identify with, I can understand why some of you feel that way…… especially those who are younger than I ( I’m 66.) It has always been my desire to have Don be my one and only love/partner in life, and now I like to think of myself as a living memorial to him. He is becoming ‘just a memory’ for everyone else, but I know he still exists with our Lord, so his memory will always be ‘alive’ for me…. I know we will one day be back together, and that gives me great joy!

We had 45 fantastic years together, and God gave us two wonderful children who are supportive of me, but nothing like what you are experiencing, Karen S. You are enormously blessed to have such a large number of offspring who want to spend a lot of time with you! I am trying to fill my days with useful activities, and cherish the days I do get to spend with my children and their families. They are busy, but I do hear from them several times a week, and see at least one of them once a week. Although I would like more, I feel blessed with what I have.

I spent Easter with both my children and their families, and it was wonderful….. but then I had an emotional crash afterward. I’m still recovering from it, and being able to write this to you all has been therapeutic. Thank you for ‘listening,’ and I hope it has been helpful for some of you.

Blessings,
Jeanine

Audrey April 10, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Hi ladies, Jeanine you were truly blessed with so many years. I have prayed all my life, but never needed support. I was blessed with Willie. So like you I am leaning more and more to God for support. Like us all, we need it. I’m 51 and not looking for another marriage. I married my soul mate. Just want a companion. I don’t want to lean on my children for all my happiness. Just want someone to go to movies with or dinner. Just trying to keep a smile on my face. For myself and our kids. Like that saying, if Mom isn’t happy no one is. Lol! Sandy I liked what you wrote, it’s expiring. Mary LB, oooooooh, lol! Glad this man is seeing what a wonderful, beautiful person you are!! Let us know what happens. Talked to Steve again, he gave Madison a tour of the bus. He said he has 2 kids, 13 and 16. Didn’t get to talk long, he had to help the kids get on the bus. So I still don’t know if he is married. My daughters said to just ask. We will see. I went today with my oldest daughter to take our grand daughters to see Titanic 3-D. They loved it. They saw it before, but the 3-D was pretty cool. Can’t stand wearing the glasses thou. Mary51 I feel like you, who would hire me when they can get someone. Alot younger and someone who would be with the company longer. I’m just still hanging in there working as the cook for that guy. Just can’t wait to quit. But still waiting for the cabin to sell. So I keep praying for us all that life will get better. It has to. We hit the bottom, now we need to go up! God Bless! Audrey

Tina April 10, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Hello everyone, thank you all for your kind words for me .
5week and 3 days today! Where is my darling cos he’s not here with me, I like Mary pray every night to Join him , and still I wake in the morning, my children dream of chris and try as I do he never comes to me ! I’m so sad and angry , my chris was a watch manager in the fire brigade , in kent uk , he passed in the gym on station , it was all so public , in the newspapers and radio etc, he was loved by everyone but most by me and our kids, I went to the gym yesterday , justvto see where he lay , it breaks my heart , him on the floor alone, I do not want this life of mine without him with me, I’ve just turned 51 I can’t dobyears without him , this is no life , I don’t go out unless I got to , docs or to my daughter who has new baby , I’ve been supporting my boy James 23 -at football as his dad was always with him , I can’t go in a shop , I’ve not gone back to work , I don’t get dressed or washed lots of days , how is this a life ? I know all of you ladies have felt this pain , it’s just I can never see it improving , maybe I don’t want it too cos that would be to accept he’s not here and I can’t do that …….. Who decided this would be my life without chris cos think again I don’t want it ……..

mary lotus butterfly April 11, 2012 at 5:00 am

Hi Tina,
Sorry about that you are going thru all of the feelings of lost, feelings of pains, fellings of trying to understand.

I remembered all of that. I remember the numbness and being so spacey. I could not even drive fast. Everything had
stopped and being in slow motion. Yes, I cried and yelled plenty.

Luckly I had my job in taking care of seniors…cooking for them. I found a spiritual community where I got support. I learn about myself. I took classes within the spiritual community. I got ordained as a Minister and am still studying. I found peace within myself, but at times I still
remember.

My heart goes out to you. I had mentioned that I would never wish this upon anyone.

I lost my husband four years and three months ago. I will pray for you…GGP for you…gently, gracefully and peacefully.

I allowed myself to feel the pains, embracing my love around
it. I acknowledge it. Then I let it go. Breathe in and out slowly.

Take it slowly and easy.

Light and Love,
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly

mary51
Twitter:
April 11, 2012 at 7:25 am

Good morning!!! I am down in my rollercoaster ride! I do not belong to any group, I feel a total strnager here and a total stranger in Fl. I just want to be with my DH!!!!

Karen N April 11, 2012 at 6:11 pm

You are not alone. It is a hard journey. I sometimes feel like I don’t fit anywhere. Like a square peg in a round hole. My house is too big but don’t want or am too undecided about putting it up for sale not knowing where to go!

I don’t feel like I fit with my family. Sons don’t come around, never had a good relationship with my sister and she has pulled even further away, dad dying, cabins not selling, etc. too much to handle all at once. Never thought I would be doing this all on my own!!!!

But, I get up each day and try to make a fresh start. Thank god for my job. It is the only constant.

mary lotus butterfly April 11, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Hi to all of my friends…old and new ones,
No, we are never the same again. It is like discarding our old skin. In learning to let go, we discover our new being.

I just got home from holding our Seder Sacred Circle tonight. My friend the Reverend Rabbi Peter and I have held the Seder for four years now. I feel real good and peaceful. Our spiritual community is of the Universalist belief system. Everybody is welcome to our community…whether one is Catholic, Jewish, Lutheran, Baptist, Atheist, Buddict
or Muslim. We come into the community and be able to discuss and share. We are able to leave the world outside. We can be honest with each other.

I am most blessed that I found a spiritual community for support and learning.

Peace to all.
mlb

Jeanine April 11, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Audrey,

I don’t mind leaning on my children, as long as they don’t mind. So far they have welcomed me, especially since I make an effort to be a benefit to them, rather than a burden. But, I know I have to watch that I don’t become a burden to them.

Tina,

In my prayers I thank God for the wonderful life I had with my husband, Don, and ask for help living this life I have now…. without Don. I often tell Him that I’d really like to have the wonderful life back…. but I do find things to be thankful for in my current life. Including basic things, like a roof over my head, enough to eat, ability to be warm and dry on a cold and wet night, etc. So many people in the world don’t have those basics, and it helps me to be thankful for what I do have. I still have those times when my soul cries out, “I want my life back!”— but I am better able to deal with them as time passes.

Mary51,

I worry about you, being so alone. Is there volunteer work you could do in order to make connections with others? Perhaps find a church where there are other Americans, so you can connect with them? Someone suggested you bring in boarders. That may work, but you’d need to be very careful and thoroughly screen applicants to make sure you get safe people. Keep posting here…. we’re here for you!

Blessings,
Jeanine

Linda April 12, 2012 at 11:17 am

Hi everyone. I have not written in a while. Easter was difficult and I am just starting (yes, it took days) to feel a little better after it. Won’t say much, as I tried not to say much last night in bereavement group. I feel sometimes that maybe I put people in a worse mood, but worried sometime about how horrible I feel. Kathy, I see you are where I am in months….15. I at least have a job, and thank God for that. It would have been nice to look forward to retiring one day, but now what’s retirement all about?? To be alone? I just want one thing and it doesn’t seem to be coming yet. This weekend I am intending to go to a mass at St. Patricks which is for all organ donor families. I really don’t want to go alone, but didn’t think anyone would want to go with me. I won’t even really mention it to anyone because just in case I can’t go. I was told it is always very nice and there will be a saying that I wrote to my husband in the program. He was so giving, and when he was laid out, he really had no bones and most of his skin was gone. He gave the gift of sight to two people. Oh such beautiful eyes that used to look at me. Yes, I feel so lonely and so detached and I am meeting people in the group, but it doesn’t take the place of a soulmate. I am so alone. I hope this feeling gets better someday.

mary51
Twitter:
April 12, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Good afternoon, for those who are feeling good, I feel like not posting anymore, I do not have more than sad news, i had an awful day yesterday, news at home were not good, on top of that i had no power at all, 21 hours exactly I could’nt sleep at all i hate been in the dark, i went from one place to another one till the daylight, it was so bad,finally the power was restored, hope it will last for at least 7 hours so the batteries can be fully charge. Mary LB you are so lucky to find that spiritual place, I felt very welcomed the time i spent there, hope when I go to Fl I can go and visit it again, Linda your whish is mine too, do not wake up the following day, and NO i do not want to do any harm to myself because then i will be even more farther to my Husband. LOVE

Tina April 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Mary 51 I’ve been worrying about you but my post would not submit it’s like that at times frustrating! I wish you better but I know where your coming from , why do we feel the way we do ? The more I read the more I think we us ladies are so many , I never thought in a billion years I would be part of this group , we like you I guess had all these plans for our future together , and now what ?? Nothing that’s what , I do not want a life without my chris so come get me I’m happy to go ,,,,,

Linda April 13, 2012 at 5:45 am

Can they pick up my stuff to go to Heaven????? Do you think that is too far a trip? Mary51, I feel very bad for you, but please keep posting. I want to make sure you are always here with us so don’t make us worry. When your lights go out just always make sure that everything is locked and you are safe. Maybe that is a good time to sit down with the candles around you and talk to your husband. I am sure that he is around you and that he is protecting you. I want to believe that. I want to believe that my sweetheart is always at my side and always ready to take me with him when he is given the “OK”. I really wish we all lived near each other (except I really don’t want my electric to go out all the time Mary51). I remember one time before I had my wonderful husband that I lost my electric, but only in part of the house. I had an extension cord running up into my living room and I slept on the couch. I had no heat and just waited under the covers until morning when I heard the furnace go on. It was a wonderful sound after all that time alone. But now, when things like that happen, it seems that it is so much harder to get through because I feel the loss of my husband who should be by my side. It was so wonderful having him the time I did, but now so much harder because I feel the loss. They say that it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. But it hurts. Tina, I have the same problem with this website. Sometimes I cannot get in at all and have to keep playing with it until I can get the posts. Then sometimes when I try to submit, it freezes. Nothing is easy these days. I want my life back also and every morning when I am walking from Penn Station to work I cry. Everything reminds me of him because we always walked together most of the way and then I would kiss him and he would go to work and I would continue to my building. Sometimes I go through his building, touch the pillar where we used to say goodbye and kiss, and I kiss the air as if he was there. People must think me weird and one time when I stopped and had my hand on the pillar someone asked me if I was OK. Yes, there are caring people but I was sort of embarrassed. I have problems going through his building and only do it maybe once a week. I cry too much on the way out. I am happy it is Friday and at the same time NOT. Weekends are so sad because I used to love being with him and meeting him on the train Friday night and having our wine together and just knowing that we didn’t have to get up so early the next day. Tomorrow I do because I have a water company person coming and then I am going to St. Patricks. Can’t really sleep, but I would trade all the sleep in the world for my love. That is why I want to be with him and pray every night to be with him and Jesus. We feel the same way, but we have to wait until God wants us. I hope he wants me soon because this sadness is too overwhelming and it is not getting better. There are many people that I have met that seem to be getting back on track but they have families and children and people who truly truly care about them. This is not the case with me. I know my friends care, but some of them are no longer friends since he has died. I don’t hear from them. But the care that comes from friends is not the same. They can do without me. I feel that I am truly on my own.

Karen N April 13, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I know how you feel. I had a seminar at work today. The speaker all of a sudden says ” I am so lucky to be able go home and have my wife to talk to. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have her to come home to.” I thought rub it in why don’t you.

Driving home I thought I dont know where I fit in any more. It has been two years and I still don’t know where I fit. Just tired tonight. Took care of mom and dad tonight. Dad is getting worse and mom is struggling. Sister is no where to be found. OH WELL JUST ANOTHER FRIDAY NIGHT,

God blessvyounall

mary51
Twitter:
April 13, 2012 at 9:30 am

Good morning, yesterday, again, no power, the comp. gave 4 hours of electricity all day long!!!!!! let see how will be today, the batteries need at least 9 hours to be fully charge, and on top of that they are not in good condition, I do Linda every morning ask God for strenght and I thank Him because is one day closer to my husband. A lady that i know is fighting for her life, Drs. do not understand how can she still alive, I told my freind I will exchange my body for hers, she will be in this world for more time and I will be very close to be with my husband, but that is not the way thing are. I do not want to harm myself in any way, because if i do then is going to be worse i will be condem for eternity and not be able to be with my DH for eternity, I just do not want to be like my sister in law, she lost her husband 20 years ago, she is alone all the time, her only son does not llive in Florida, he lives in Texas so he comes only once a year for a week, i do not wnat that i do not want to be for 20 years alone not even a day, I went to cemetery and cleaned up weeds around my husband grave, the maintence here is awful, planted some flores around his grave some time ago and now they are blooming it looks very nice, blue flowers, that is his favorite color, put some flowers in a “vase” prayed and left, I feel ok, why do you think and have this quotations marks ???? I had two vases already stolen, so I just took a plastic bottle and made it into a vase that at least so far every time I go is there, I do not put nice flowers arrangement , they take it. I hope you all hav a nice weekend with your family, those who are so lucky to have them close by. and for the rest of us, watch tv and think we are getting closers to our husbands each day goes by. Thank you all.

Linda April 13, 2012 at 11:20 am

I always tell God that I would trade myself with someone who wants to live longer and let me be with my love and with God. You know, it is a shame that people steal your vases and flowers. I have to wonder after I used to leave beautiful grave blankets for my parents how long they lasted before someone took them and put them on someone elses grave. Just this morning I said the same thing that you said….I said “my sweetheart, another day, I can’t do it much longer, but I am one more day closer to being with you.” I am very sad today and hate when I feel like this because it is a bad way to start the weekend. I worry about all of you and I worry about myself too. I would not want to end up in hell either, so killing myself is not the answer, but why won’t God hear my prayer? I suppose I am being punished here on earth. Maybe that’s what it is. God bless you all.

Jeanine April 13, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Linda and Mary51 — At first I also asked God to take me to be with my Don. In fact, I wanted to just absorb into him and become one with him, like we were ‘as one’ on earth. Now, almost four years later, I still look forward to joining him, and still like the idea of becoming ‘as one’ with him, but I know I must trust God and ask for His help to do whatever it is that He wants me to do while I’m still here. What He has planned for us after this life on earth is beyond my capability to understand, so I just trust His promise that it will be good, and then try to focus on doing what I’m supposed to do while I’m here.

Karen N — Like you, I really notice when people make remarks that are like salt in the wound and I feel frustrated because they have no idea of how their remarks are hurting me. Makes me wonder how many times I blithely did the same thing in the past. It’s really like we’ve crossed into a different realm and those who haven’t had experienced the loss of a partner/soulmate have no way of understanding how we’re feeling.

Audrey April 13, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Hi Sweet Ladies, I have also had problems getting on. But I keep trying, like all of you. I want to hear how everyone is doing. Linda, Mary51 and Tina. I worry about you guys. I wish we did live closer to support each other. Karen N. I feel for you as well. Life isn’t easy that’s for sure. I have been getting migraines again, because I worry to much. Got med’s from my doctor. Feel somewhat better. I saw the bus driver at my grand kids school again. He asked if he could call me. I said yes, and gave him my cell #. Don’t know what will happen, he is divorced and always real nice. But if anything I could always use more friends! Im not looking to ever replace my Willie, because no one ever will. Just don’t want to be alone. And Willie and I spoke of this many, many years ago. I never wanted him alone if I went first. So I know he wants me happy. They say life is short, live it to the fullest. My life with Willie was blessed with over 32 years, married 30. Life does work in mysterious ways. I applied at many places when I was 18. One place was Gemco. Not sure if many of you remember that company. But I didn’t care to run a register, I wasn’t very confident. But who calls? Gemco, I was hired and met my soul mate! Willie was the manager of the store. I’m telling you all this because we never know who or what will happen in each given day. Hopefully better times for us all! Mary51, I think it’s so awful that people would steal anything from a grave site. How can they live with themselves. Karen N. Your sister sounds like a piece of work. I’m so sorry she never helps you with your parents. I really feel she will regret it one day. But in the mean time you have it all on your shoulders. We all had our loving husbands to be there for us, big shoulders to cry on. Now we don’t. I panic about the cabin, how will I continue to take care of it all myself. But I need to keep telling myself that it will get better. I got a message from my medium friend Natalie and we are suppose to get together on the 29th in Santa Monica. Then I will drive up and see our youngest daughter, Julianna who wrote her thesis on her father and grief. She will be reading it on the 30th in front of judges and whoever else shows up. She is nervous. But I will be there front and center with lots of Kleenex!! Ladies we are always here for each other, seems like many still don’t know what this kind of pain is. So I’m grateful to have you all in my life! Have a great night. Love to all, you are always in my prayers! God bless! Audrey

Karen April 14, 2012 at 1:11 am

Good Morning Ladies!
Another weekend. How I dread them….
Last weekend, I was out with a friend on Saturday night and she told me that I’ve been running around like “a scalded chicken”. (She’s from the U.K. I guess that’s what they say there instead of “like a chicken with its head cut off”) She meant I don’t let myself have any “down” time, I suppose. The thing is, I’m reasonably OK as long as I’m busy, or with friends. The time goes by. If I’m home alone, I miss Avelino more, think more, and get panicky.
The weather is awful today, and remembering what my friend said last week, I’m going to entertain myself tonight. Going to stay in, watch some TV, or start a new book on my Kindle.
I used to love the weekends.
A major hurle coming up on Wednesday. My daughter has to have a minor operation at the hospital where we spent months of our lives with my husband. It’ll be an out-patient procedure, but I’ll have to spend pretty much the whole day there with her.
As luck would have it, he was on the 8th floor; we’ll be on the 9th. The coffee and sandwich machines are on the 8th. When Avelino was in Hemotology, we used to “go out” to those machines from his room to have a coffee.
I haven’t been over there, not even in the car, since the day before he died.
This is going to be bad.
My psychologist says I just have to do it.
She asked me an interesting question yesterday. “What would your husband say to you today if he could speak to you?”
Ladies???????
Peace for all of us this weekend. May the time pass quickly.
Love,
Karen

Norma April 14, 2012 at 2:48 am

Tina – You are getting there. You’ve already begun to admit to yourself that moving on is acceptance. 5Weeks on and these thoughts are going through your head, that is good, believe me. It is hard for you, because your husband didn’t die when you were around. You still haven’t had a chance to say goodbye. I know you don’t want to, none of us wanted to, but sometimes life throws these things at you. Things that you have no control over. If anything will get you moving again, it will be your Grandchild. Imagine if your son and daughter had to lose their mum as well, imagine if your grand child didn’t get a chance to grow up knowing Granny.

Here we don’t give you a shake, here we support you through the ups and the downs. 5 weeks in and you are so deep in the down cycle that support is what you need. Keep coming back Tina, the support you will receive here will help you. This site isn’t limited to those over the pond, here we are from every corner of the world. I’m just up the road from you, ok maybe a slight exageration probably a few hunderd miles, but I am on the same continent. Scotland is my home.

Stay with us.

Karen S – I take it as a compliment that I sound older than my years. As me and Martin used to say sh*t happens and usually to us. My words to him were always the same. “don’t worry we’ll get through this, we’ve got each other” I couldn’t help myself from saying the usual routine, but as we both have a wicked and dark sense of humour I turned it in to “don’t worry, I’ll get through this, you won’t cause you will be dead” He would laugh. Yes I know they maybe harsh words, but we both knew the truth of the situation, only I was coming out the other end. I still love him, I probably always will.

A quick word for NEAL – come back and let us know how your grandma is doing, how you are doing. We’re all here for you.

Peace, love and strength.

Normaxxx

Tina April 14, 2012 at 5:11 am

Norma… Thank you so much for your words, I was crying reading them , I do know chris not coming home , I tell myself every day , I just dint understand why ,, it’s like a train going over and over in my head , I look at his photo and he springs to life ,, I’m screaming inside,,, so hurt lonely just fir him ,,,, we were grateful for our life never took it for granted, appreciated the kids , glad they worked , were respectful , just always were thankful , for our life, thought we would not get old as chris dad and both my parents died at 61– 63… But my darling 51 it’s just criminal . I know I’m no alone , I’m not special , but I just want him so much I’m so angry , all I got is crematorium , taking flower , talking to space , I feel like I going mad , then it all stops , I think what I should be doing for kids etc , what would chris want me to do , but that don’t last then I’m off my head again ,,, bad day , but I’m going to watch my boy play football today , good to get out of the house, Stacey her husband Liam and darling Gracie are coming too ,, thanks everyone feelnlike I need all of you , to get through the days , unless you are one of us , you just don’t know how we feel ,
T

Bob Maxwell April 14, 2012 at 7:06 pm

When your wife has died:
I still find myself asking what I could have done to change things, I was always her rock to hold on to when she was scared.
With two years since she left I miss her more each day, what I would give to snuggle her neck, hear her laugh and hold hands with her just one more time.
She was a fighter all the way and we thought she was free of the cancer but I spoke with the doctor and had to give her the news, she said she didn’t want to die but I was not able to help her. Ten days with hospice and than I held her close as she died at home.
Going on from here, finding new friends seems impossible but
as your friend the cop said – I guess I need to get it together.

Norma April 15, 2012 at 2:58 am

Bob, I’m not sure how you managed to get to this site, but I’m glad you did. Has this “cop” experienced what you have? Does this “cop” know how hard life can be without your wife by your side? If the answer is yes to this, then this “cop” is stronger than most. Everyone here “gets on with it”, we get on with trying to live our lives through our grief. We try, so very hard to not let it get the better of us. We try, everyday to try and make new friends because some of us believe that nothing is impossible, just very hard to do.

Bob you are welcome here, but remember it is a bunch of women who have lost their husbands/partners. One thing we all share is the loss. If you need to talk and you are finding that those around you are coming up with “just get on with it”, come here and tell us. It is good for us to see it from a different perspective. Much strength, peace and love to you.

Tina – how was the football? Bad days can be lonely days even when you are surrounded by people who love you. Here, we know what it’s like to have a bad day, keep coming back Tina, things are so fresh for you, that the support and believe it, the comfort you will find here will help. 51 is no age. Before Martin died, I used to ask how old was so and so when they died? If they had got to 70 then I would say that’s not bad, a “good age”. This changed when my hubby passed, I realised that no age was a good age to die.

You know you are not alone and you know that people die everyday. This doesn’t matter because it happened to other people. Now, Tina, I’m sorry but it is happening to you, and every lady (and the odd gent), understands that anger that you are feeling, the questions that you are asking and the sadness that is taking over your life. For now, take comfort in the youngest member of your family. Let little Gracie be your guiding light.

Much strength, peace and love to you all.

Normaxxx

mary51
Twitter:
April 15, 2012 at 6:22 am

Good morning to all!!!!! Bob welcome to this site, you said you were her rock, my DH was my rock, he was the brave one, he made the big decisions, he was all for me, now it just MEEEEE and I do not like it. I am always afraid sad, angry, crying, screaming, this is not life as i used to know it, this is the inferno, what did i do so wrong? Why was i punished? I think my husband death was my fault, did not do what i have to, take him by force some how to Miami and go diretly to Jackson M hospital….. My thoughts are always negative i can not help it, even when my husband was here i had them, I was AFRAID of somethng was going to happen, I keep telling him, We are so perfectly happy I am afraid something is going to happen……. He keept telling me “Do not be silly, we deserve this life we have now” But I was right the happiness was gone in less than 5 minutes, he was allright and all of the sudden he left, I am so so so angry and sad, and confuse, i do not know what I am going to do with my life i am scare of this loneliness, Please God be part of my life !!!!!

Bob Maxwell April 15, 2012 at 8:43 am

Good morning to all! Mary51 some days I find myself asking the same questions. My wife needed me to force the issue of seeing that the doctor was aware of what was going on with her body. It was just treated lightly without so much as a physical examination of the area involved, I know I can not change it now but I feel that I failed her. I came to this site looking for some insight into why I seem unable to move past this point in life, by seeing how others are working through their problems and by sharing experiences maybe we can all live again. She was eleven years younger than me and knowing that I hated plaid in clothing she use to joke that when I got older she was going to dress me in all plaid, I will miss her having the chance to do that to me. Thanks for sharing, Bob M.

Suzanne April 15, 2012 at 9:46 am

Hello everyone,
Welcome Bob. I’m sorry your loss but I’m glad you found us. No matter if it was the loss of a husband, wife or partner…..this loss is one of the most intense loss any of us will ever feel. I hope we can help you in some way and I hope you can help some of us. I’ve been on this journey for 3 years and I can promise you that you will move past some of the guilt and loneliness. Heck, there are times that I STILL question what I could have done to keep Den here. At some point, we all must let that go…..it was their time…..God took them Home because it was their time.
Karen, you asked what we think Avelino would say to you? I think that he would tell you how extremely proud of you he is. Just from your posts, I know that you really have your act together lady. You have more strength than you realize. This Wednesday will be very difficult for you, no doubt. But you should just try to stay focused on why you will be there. You’re going to be there for your daughter. Just try to disassociate yourself with the place in general. Try to keep the memories out of your mind. Bring something to read to keep your focus away from where you are. Good luck on Wednesday.
Tina, I agree with you. My Den’s ashes are interred at the same cemetery where my Dad is buried. I thought that it was a good idea to put the ashes there. I did this after only 2 months and now I’m not sure that I did the right thing. I get absolutely no comfort when I “visit” him there. I just stand there and cry as I finger the lettering of his name on the face of the niche. My name is there also (everything except my death year). I now wish that I had done none of this. This has truly been my biggest regret since Den died. I guess I thought that it might give Sam (our daughter) some comfort and a place to go to “visit” Den. But she’s never home. She’s been away at college all this time. And I don’t know that she’ll ever live in this area again after grad school.
Well, the first half of my “hell” two weeks is over. I’ve successfully moved the Gainesville, FL branch onto moving trucks (4 of them). I don’t mean that I actually moved the stuff!! But I can tell you that I physically FEEL like I’ve moved the stuff! Tomorrow, the trucks will deliver everything to our new Jacksonville location. So I’ll be there this coming week. I’ll leave from there on Thursday evening and fly up to Charlotte so I can go to my daughter’s last Conference track and field competition. I’m kind of sad that her athletic career is ending but I’m also kind of glad. Her body is really feeling every injury and she’s just getting physically tired of competing. Her next phase in sports will be coaching. I will get great pleasure in watching her mentor young athletes and help them become accomplished in their sports.
I hope all of you have a peaceful rest of your weekend. Stay strong and continue to lean on us as we lean on you.

Suzanne

Korina LaCount April 15, 2012 at 10:26 am

Ive tried for 2 weeks to get into this site and today is the 1st day it finally went to the comments section so I could add a post,very frustrating.But I finally made it.

Things have not been good here,I wrote my senator and called him to get my disability hearing advanced,so I finaly got a date,the 5th of September,almost another 5 months! So ihad to take out my last reserve,the money from my husbands 401k to live on till the hearing,if I dont win the case,money will be gone,I will be broke,no money left and lose the house as well.

Then yesterday the washing machine door wouldnt close,son said there was a piece of plastic broken inside the door,that he could see with flashlight,so he couldnt fix it,called a repairman and its gonna be 300 dollars to fix tomorrow,the part is 150 dollars for a piece of plastic! and the labor is a 150 for tearing apart the door and seals on the front part of my front loading washer,it just never ends.

I went to a metaphysical fair yesterday,they said they didnt see me losing the house,so I hope they are right.

Mary LB my husbands totem is a dragonfly,they were all over when I scattered his ashes and come to me at times,it was mentioned to me as well,kids gave me a dragonfly ring and bracelet for Christmas which I wear all the time,as well as a few of his ashes around my neck.I am glad I have his urn here with me,I feel he is always around me.

Bob I am so sorry you had to lose your beloved wife,my John and I would discuss this,I always told him I wanted to go 1st as I couldnt live without him and he always said thats not fair,you are stronger than I and I couldnt live without you,well the night we went to the hospital the day before he died he said to me lets get into a acccident so we both go together,that way we will never be without the other,he was so scared,I think he knew then he was going to pass,how I wish we could of gone together,my biggest fear is we were only married for 16 years,Im now 58,what if i live a long time? Longer than my husband and I were married,my mom ad Dad were married about 30 years,she already has lived 35 years longer since his death at 56 years old,she will be 92 this June,I dodnt know how she does it,she still loves my Dad so much,it seems cruel that she has had to wait so long to be with him and she is in good health,it could be years before she gets to join him finally.I just cant imagine that agony,its been 14 months,almost 15 in 6 days that he has beeen gone.

Linda and Mary,my heart goes out to you,I feel like you both many days and others I seem to mangae,I try to remember the love,cause its the one constant we will always have ladies,the unconditional love our husbands and wives gave us always and still do,I truly believe like MaryLB they are just in the next room waiting for us,I was told my husband is in a serene setting of water and trees like he was camping and is at peace and vey happy yesterday,tht to them its just like yesterday when they saw us last and they know we will be togther soon again,I wish time played out for us here on earth like that believe me,but we still have so many lessons to learn which they fulfilled on earth and are continuing in the hereafter.

Love all of you dear people on this site,stay strong as you can,there is no wrong in crying or being depressed or alone,this is a way we are growing,to face each new day as best as we can,knowing that there is always LOVE!

Suzanne April 15, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Korina,
My husband was an appliance technician so I feel like I need to advise you on your washer. Depending on the age of the machine, it may not be worth spending $300 to fix it. You might want to price some new ones or even some newer used models. So many times, the price to repair an older machine just isn’t worth it. I hope this helps you a bit.
Good luck with everything.

Suzanne

Lorraine April 15, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Blessings to all, I am nearly 6 months now that my love left me suddenly. I spent Easter with my 85 year old aunt, my son and daughter in law and my sweet granddaughter. She just turned two, looked at me and said, “what about Paca?” Her Paca loved her so much and I’m sad that she will never really know him. I struggle with missing him every day, but I also know I have been given a life to live, fully. My Dennis would want this for me, and if the tables were turned, I would want that for him. My meditation today said, “Our first priority should be to prepare a long-term strategy for improving the state of the world that focuses on the coming generation.” So I’m trying to do positive things, to stop the sometimes unrelenting self pity, to forgive myself when I think I should have done more or something to save him. In the end, I did the best I could, i wish he was still here to love,but the truth is, he isn’t. I miss him, I love him, always will, I will honor his memory. As a widower in my support group said, it’s not that I’m moving one, I just keep moving. Otherwise, I am wasting my valuable life. Love to all. Lorraine

Korina LaCount April 15, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Suzanne,the washer is only 15 months old,i got it just before my husband passed,otherwise I agree with U it would not be worth it,the worst part is my hubby would of been able to fix it if he was still alive. Dont want to buy a used washer,the repairman suggested that when i told him I didnt have a lot of money but this is state of the art so Im fixing it cause my hubby was so proud to get it for me just before he passed.

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