The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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More later but I need prayers because I just ran into a friend who I think is trying to avoid me cuz Mike is no longer around and I guess it hurts him over Mike passing. I need prayers that he won’t ignore me and will spend some time with me these next several days… Thanks!
Hi Cheryl, I will pray extra for you and this situation. I pray for my online family daily. I also know how you feel as I have experienced that also. Love, Lori
Thanks so much. I just pray I can see him tonight, tomorrow nite and Sat nite after his shows. (He’s a singer)…
Well he didn’t even come out and meet anyone after his show. One of his daughters said he wasn’t wanting to meet people anymore right now. After the show another friend of his who we’ve gotten to know and be friends with from going to the shows. He let her go backstage to visit him. I started to go too but she said I couldn’t go talking like he’d be mad at me if I went. I am so hurt but I can’t let my folks know of my mom will say I shouldn’t go see him anymore.
I need to talk to him. I am so hurting over Mike. I know he’s hurt over Mike passing but don’t let it stop you from saying Hi to me. You may not feel like hanging out with folks but don’t avoid your friends. We’ll see if he come and sees me the next 2 days. Sad…
Hi Everyone
I was wondering if anyone else visits the graves where their husbands were buried? I feel a need to visit often and pray but I am not sure if this comforts me or just upsets me more. I can see him laying in the Blue Saphire casket our daughter picked out and he looked just like he was sleeping. Just knowing his body is there makes me somehow feel close, even though I know his soul has gone to heaven.
God Bless
Hi Denise, my husand was cremated, and I have his remains and my mothers, here with me in my home.
I find it easier to look at our wedding photo, he smiles lots to me from there and it was the happiest day of his life next to the birth of his daughter (my step daughter). I talk to him often, usually because I’m angry that he’s left me, on my own. But then I remind him, I don’t blame him for leaving as there was nothing that could be done. Motor Neurone Disease (ALS or Lou Gerrig Disease over the pond), is a no cause, no cure disease and there was never going to be a happy ending. He often said, he wished he had cancer because at least he might have a fighting chance of getting through it (please all, no offense meant here, especially if you lost your husband to the big C).
Denise, do what’s right for you. If you find it helpful to visit your husband, then do it. Sometimes a good cry is what we need and no doubt you do plenty of that when you go see him. Do you take your children, or have they asked to go with you?
I know that I’d probably find it hard visiting a grave, unfortunately when Martin passed, he looked more like a wax work than someone who was sleeping, and I knew there was nothing left but his earthly image and that he was gone.
Much love
Normaxxx
I agree with ya. I got visit Mikes grave every Sunday after church cuz it is close to the church and it makes me feel closer to him. I talk and I cry. I hate it when I have to miss a Sunday cuz of being out of town or it was bad weather. I know he is not there but in heaven but still i connects me to him…
Oh yeah. One thing I noticed about my Mike was he was the most natural looking dead person I had ever seen. Usually they look creepy but not him. I had always said that when he passed I would not take pics of him in the casket cuz it would be too creepy. He looked so natural and like himself that I ended up taking pics of him in the casket and touching his suit coat. And I never thought I’d ever be able to do that. They did a beautiful job fixing up my baby the funeral home did. Love you Mike. Hope all are doing better. We’re here for ya…
Hello to my friends,
I have my sweet Barry’s ashes in my closet. We had planned to put his ashes under his Buddha underneath a tree, where we were supposed to relocate to the mountains of Arkansas.
I just short-sale on my house. I do not know if I ever will own another property. It is a lot of stress and responsiblities. I do not even begin to remember how I did it before.
I believe that when the time is right, I will spread Barry’s ashes into the ocean with flowers, laughter and joy. He is free.
Love and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello everybody,
I want to wish my sweet Barry a very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! His birthday is 3/1. He would be 60…the big number.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Mary,
I wish your Barry A happy birthday!!! Love and Peace to both of you!!
And Love and Peace to All You ladies and your husbands!!
Zulaifa
Happy Birthday Barry, may you be partying with Buddha, and the light of ever lasting peace be shining upon your loved ones.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi, Denise and everyone else who’s interested,
My Roger’s ashes are mostly with me, inside an urn in my home office, but after his funeral, I instructed the funeral director to transfer a small amount of him into a second urn for his daughter to take with her back to Colorado. It was so sad. Although she is an adult in her 30’s, she didn’t have the hundred dollars to purchase the urn. I felt so bad at the time that I bought it for her, even though my funds were low and my income questionable at the time of Roger’s death. I think it’s horrible how much the funeral home charges for these urns. If I had had my way, Roger ’s ashes would have been placed inside a coffee can. He would have seen the humor in that since he always drank so much of the stuff. So, he probably would have laughed out loud if that had happened, and would have considered it a fitting resting place for his remains. I have a question for those who want to answer: Have any of you had your loved one who passed on attempt to contact you? I know this sounds crazy but my Roger always said he would attempt to contact me should he be the first one to die. We even laughed and joked about it, and I came up with the idea that he toss a few ice cubes at me when he was trying to contact me. The significance of the ice cubes comes from the cocktail Roger liked to have each evening when he came home from work. From time to time, my frig does toss out a few extra cubes for no apparent reason other than the fact that I happen to be walking by it. And friends of mine have also had this happen to them and mentioned it to me, telling me they had a weird feeling it was Roger, even though I never told anyone he might do this, and did Roger ever say he would do this from the great beyond? You should see the look on their faces when I tell them that it is Roger trying to contact us.
Hello everybody,
Thank you Zulaifa and Norma and all for your support. I am a strong woman my whole life. I have been told that I am like a woman out of the Bible. But, I am human. I am a woman alone, again. I get scare. I get tire about watching my back all the time. Barry protected me, as I protected him. I really miss that. People are always watching and casing out others. I moved into my new down-sized duplex a year ago. I put in an alarm system because I know people are watching. I have been alone so many times before. I play it safe and smart. I am aware of my surroundings because I am a woman and feeling so vulnerable. I am sure that there are men out there that feel the same way.
With today’s economy, people are loosing their equity and values in their homes. They owe more than what they are worth. Jobs are being lost. People have weapons. They live in fear. Now We All live in the fear factor.
I discovered that someone has been roaming around in the dark at where I live…my land lord gave told me that people were found using electricity in the laundry room next to me charging up their cell phones. I found someone sleeping in the laundry room. I called the sheriff. I felt so bad because I did that. I considered bringing a cup of coffee and waking up the person before the sheriff got there…but then what if he had a weapon…as I startle him.
I had to call up the landlady…because I woke up about 11:30 pm. I was doing some work. I heard a noice in the laundry room again. She told me that she put on a dead bolt. She came out and shook the door to show me and the door opened. The lock has to fit better!
I am going to bring it up on my Church…our Sacred Circle…as to how we can overcome this. We cannot live in fear! We all have the same goals. We are trying to survive.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Happy bd to your Barry. I bet he was a nice guy.
I hate to say it and you didn’t hear it from me but I think my singer friend is getting kind of a star attitude. He did not come out and meet me or anyone else after the shows. And he knew I was there at all 3 shows as well as a friend of his from Northern VA who we’ve gotten to be friends with thru going to his shows. His cousin and his wife came one nite and he did not even see them either. And yet he did go see an old friend he went to school with in the 60’s. That’s nice he saw him and I’m glad he did. But it hurt not getting to see him. I had brought my best friend Debbie the one who set me up on the blind date with Mike to the Charlottesville, VA show of his and I wanted her to meet him. They never got to meet. And I had so wanted them to meet.
It was by chance I happened to be staying in the same motel as my singer friend in Hampton and I ran into him when he was checking in and got to say hi for a minute. I asked him if he wanted to get together for breakfast and he said he couldn’t. I understood he was busy with his family there. I asked if he’d like to get together later & he said maybe. When I mentioned that I was sorry I didn’tget to go to his show in Northern VA but wasn’t able to go cuz since Mike passed I had no one to go with me & it was too hard to go in all that traffic up there alone. I might’ve mentioned something about it was nearly a yr since Mike passed. Once I mentioned Mike, boy was he acting like he couldn’t wait to get outta there. I think it hurts him to see Mike not being around me cuz he was so used to seeing Mike around me. But don’t take it out on me. I needed to talk to him about what happened about Mike and yet he was not there for for me.
When I had seen him in May I ran into him before the show and got to say hi to him a few mins. I gave him one of Mikes many Bibles he used. It was a giant print King James Bible. My friend seemed touched and was in tears and nearly cried. We both looked at each other about to cry.
I know it hurts him not seeing Mike with me when he always saw Mike with nme but I needed to talk to him about what happened to Mike and needed a shoulder to cry on.
At the shows when I asked his kids and bus driver if he was gonna be meeting people, they said he wasn’t coming out to meet people anymore. They said he said he was tired of meeting and being around people after having done that for yrs and just wanted to leave after the shows. That’s not the him I know. It really hurt. It was like seeing a stranger in concert. Oh well, he did do some songs I had never heard before and played an autoharp. which I had never heard him do before. I had a nice time but it wasn’t the same with Mike being passed on and him not talking to me.
Basically when I did get to see him at the motel for a minute most of the conversation was about snow being predicted and about how we both used motel coupons. He’s just not the same guy but I love him anyway. This is what I get for trying ot make friends with someone. At least my friend who introduced me to Mike is here for me and my other friends aren’t avoiding me.
Last nite I fell asleep and had a coupla nightmares about Mike. In one of them he keeps dying and coming back to life and dying again. In the other one they told me they would bring Mike back to life and he would have a disease called cronic fibrosis instead of being dead but they would have him die again soon. I had to deal with him dying again. And on the 3rd it will be a yr since Mike went. I miss him so much it hurts….
Hi everyone
Just thought I would drop a note and let everyone know I enjoy reading your posts. Stevens brother had a heart attack last week but survived. He took his baby brothers passing hard so I am sure stress contributed to his heart attack he is very sensitive for a man. My daughter does not understand why her uncle lived and her Father did not. That is hard to explain to a 9 year old but I did the best I could. I can tell you losing Steven is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I have never known profound sadness prior to this, and it has added a whole new dimesion to my being. Seems many had their loved ones creamated I never even considered that and now I wonder what Steven would have wanted. Well I hope I made the right choice he was far to young to have that discussion, but guess everyone should have their final wishes be known as we never know when our time on earth will end.
I read through the obituaries and I see Babies, Children, 20’s, 30’s, 40’s in there and then it makes you really stop and think that maybe 49 years old was not as young as I thought? I just assume everyone will live past 65 (retirement) or ideally 80- boy was I wrong! So we must make the most of each day, even without our soulmates.
We have had many suicides and murders in the last month near Chicago. How tragic is that to have to deal with if the pain we feel is so bad those types of tragedies must hurt so much more. One 16 year old son shot his father, another 18 year old boy killed his mother with a hammer and babies and teen suicide lives gone from earth at such a young age. So I dwell mostly on the sadness and bad things but in some ways I am starting to feel that we have to appreciate the time we had together and how our circumstances could be much worse than they are? Imagine how the survivors of these families feel? I know losing my soulmate has made me MUCH MORE compassionate, I appreciate life more, I value the gift of Love so much more and I am not as quick to anger as I was “before” my loss. There is positive that comes out of this experience but the pain still overcomes this and it will be a long time for me to heal. I know I have not accepted his passing and it is going on 7 months. This is going to be a very long process and I just miss him so much! He was so alive, in perfect shape physically not an ounce overweight or any known illness. I look at old people and I get so sad knowing that my Steven never got to see his daughter grow up, he loved her so. We talked about retiring, growing old and now I am left here to complete everything without him.
I know I should not get mad when I see old people, especially those who are in such bad shape physically – but I just have to ask why Steven was taken and others who are in such poor physical condition live? Does anyone else get sad seeing old people? I wish this would go away it is wrong to think this but it just deepens the pain that my future with him will never come to be and our family unit has left me with all of the responsibility. Well I have to get to work since I am the sole provider now. God Bless everyone!
Hello friends, I agree with Denise, why were our husbands taken at such an early age? Why do the child molesters, sex offenders, murderers, etc. get to live and our husbands who contributed so much and touched so many lives were taken from us way too soon. This is something I am seriously struggling with daily. I hate this life without him. On Sunday, my 14 year old listened to a voice message on her cell phone from him and I could not stop the tears from flowing. My 9 year old said “I would do anything to get daddy back”. I have also learned no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief. God Bless friends, Lori
Deborah, to answer your question about spiritual contact, my answer is a defining “yes”. I know Tim is around me as I have experienced some unique things that only he would know about. I also had him cremated and he is with me. It actually gives me comfort and if I want to sob and sob I can “hold” him if I feel the need.
Wow, we are all in full form.
It really helps me to read your posts. It gives me a sense of belonging and that I’m not alone, although there are days when lonliness is so deep seated, that even the cats feel like thousands of miles away.
For those who have asked, I’ll try to give you my answers. You’ll need to forgive me for not putting names, as I’m terrible for remembering things I’ve read precisely.
I want to hear from Martin, his cousin attends a spiratualist church, and believes she was given a message from Martin, but as my sister put it, “Martin hated people, why would he speak to a stranger about how he’s feeling, now he’s passed?” we both laughed at this, it was so true. My friend Hayley, is a spiritualist and the last time I went with her, before Martin was even diagnosed, I got a message from Martin’ Aunt, (or was it). I was told about the hospital appointment, and that I was up for the task, along with a few other things. It was freaky but probably also helped me for what was to come, the diagnosis. I’m hoping to go with Hayley this week to the spiritualist church she attends (please ladies, I’m not being hypocritical attending a church when I’m a non-believer in a God, but I do believe that others believe they can hear those who have passed). I’m desperate to hear from both my Mum and my Husband and going along I might.
I sleep with my mum and Martin in my room. When I finally got the room sorted out, I decided that night I was going to sleep there. It was our bedroom originally, and it felt right. So now I have a dressing room (I know so posh), with a double bed in it, and my bedroom, where I cozy up with my cats, feel safe, and sleep much better than in the other room.
I will keep you all posted on who things go.
Fear is a big factor in today’s society, but more so I’d say in the America’s. I live in Scotland and was lucky enough to be brought up in a rough part of town, so I know how to handle myself. But saying that I fear about other things. I was working in the archive store at work, and its a public access site. The store is a bit out of site from the main offices as its at the back of the exec offices. I got stupid thoughts running through my head, what if a stranger just walks in, do I know my exit route, where the fire alarm is. So daft. When I’m at home, I’m scared that I might choke on some food, or fall over getting out of the bath and there is no-one here to help me. But I only get these thoughts when I’m on my own. I have no fears running through my head, whilst I have other people around me. I know that I don’t want to be on my own and I’m hoping that I meet a man, that is nothing like Martin. I don’t want to compare every new date, to Martin, I want to be able to see them for who they are, so I can remember them and Martin and know that I loved them because of their different qualities. Here’s hoping.
I can only imagine how much it must cost for a funeral in America. We had no life insurance, or any savings, so I had no option but to ask Martin’s Aunt. She is quite wealthy and I knew she could afford it, and Martin was her favourite nephew. She adored him and Martin would have done anything for her. It cost just over £3,000, probably the equivalent of $5,500. This included everything, including the cream tea afterwards (I asked for no cakes, just sandwiches), and the intimations in the paper. I rode in the hearse, whilst I left the other members of my family, Martin’s Dad and Stepmum to the limo. I felt so elated at being able to accompany him, all the way on his final journey.
Life is to short to constantly worry about the bad things happening to others. IT doesn’t matter how old you are when you die, it’s still too young. I used to ask people who old the were when a loved one died and I would reply, “well that was a good age” if they were past 70. I don’t say that anymore, as no age is a good age to die. Life live to the fullest, everyday try to experience something new. Sorry but that is so hard today, when motivation is so lacking and you’ve only got of bed, because that is what is expected of you. We have experienced probably the worse thing in our lives so far, but we have to know that worse things do happen to other people. And it’s usually to good people, because you only hear about bad things happening to good people. Bad things happen to bad people too, but we don’t usually get to hear about it. I hear you though, when you hear about pedo’s, murders etc roming around, and you’ve just had to bury your husband whos died far too soon. Again it’s not fair, but life isn’t. I’m not going to say, but you just have to get on with it don’t ya, because you don’t. We can do what ever we want, and taking the time we need to get over the death of our soulmates, is entirely what some of us need. But remember life is too short so lets not take too long before we move along to deal with a chance at a second happy future.
I’m sorry your singer friend has reacted the way he has. You’ve tried talking to him face to face, maybe you could write him a letter. Tell him how you are feeling about Mike. Talk to him through the letter and let him know how you felt when he wouldn’t speak to you.
I’m sending got positive thoughts across the pond to you all.
Much love, stay strong, or let us be strong for you.
Normaxxxx
Hello everybody,
I cannot believe the responses…I thought I was going way out…I was afraid of going back online and be reprimanded. Let it all out girls!!!
I am not going to my Sacred Circle tonight…I told my friend, Peter to put all of the homeless people in the circle. They have lost their jobs, homes and cannot pay their rents.
I have to check all of my unopened mail because of fear. My birthday was in January and I do not believe that I renewed the tag. I, also discovered my car insurance was cancelled because I payed the premium too late.
Blessings to all of my friends out there,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I just lost my husband 2 weeks ago I can’t imagine being in this world without him,I even contemplated joining him,I Know that sounds crazy but I didn’t know if I was coming or going I am so confused,He was told last year that he had 6 months to a year for some reason i did not believe it,even in the hospital the day before and the day of his death I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that he was dying I asked the nurse when he was going to come home it seemed like everybody knew it but me,for most of my adult life my mind was totally about him what he think what would he do in this situation,I really hate that i let it get that way,Now I’m going to miss him for so many reason’s.
Tina,
I lost my Mark 5 months ago to a heart attack. He was in HI away on business. We were married for 26 years (3 amazing kids
)and he was my best friend.There are no words that I can say that can make anything better but those of us who have lost know, really know..I hear your pain. I hate hearing from people (I know they are well intentioned)..but they say, “I don’t know how you can do this”. Well, I (and you)really don’t have a choice..but our time has not come..we still need to finish our earthly journey. I teach school (high school history) and I do my best to give my students that extra smile and nudge because maybe I am here for them and in a way I can make their world a little brighter..This is one of the ways I try to cope…I am thinking of you…and jump into taking care of the necessities of life..make it an adventure that you can embrace not fear or dread. Cindy
So sorry, Tina -
Hang out with us here. We are friends.
Everyone will help you and support you.
Don’t expect much of yourself at this point.
Love,
Corinne
Tina, You have friends and trust me–we felt exactly like you. It will be 3 months since my husband died. We will support you.
Love, Lori
I’ll 2nd that Cindy. Beautifully put.
Nx
Tina,
I lost my fantastic husband to pancreatic cancer almost 21 months ago. We both refused to accept that he was terminal and prayed for a miracle to happen. One did happen in that he lived two years longer than expected, with many good times during those two years. However, in June 2008 he took his last breath. Now I am slowly, very slowly, accepting that I must live the rest of my life without him here to be my rock, my everything. As Cindy suggested, I’m trying to make the rest of my journey an adventure that I embrace rather than fear. Easier said than done. But, as through prayer we were able to find joy in my husband’s last two years on this earth, through prayer I am learning the joy of becoming stronger and more capable. I pray the same for you.
Hello everybody,
I think that as the deep fog lifted after two years…that I came out into another level of grieving…the realty. As I struggle with the lonliness…
I go thru my life dealing with everyday living. I miss being held in my Barry’s arms, when I come home.
Barry must sense my struggles. He came to visit me in my dreams last night. He was building a big house for me. There were a lot of people there and a lot of activities going on. My Barry and I walked outside. There were all of these colorful circus lighting the pathway. I could not see the end of the pathway at all. I asked Barry as to why all these lights…He told me that they are there to guide me. He told me that some of the lights are my energy lights emitting…shining and showing the way. My Barry did not forget me or left me. Our dearest loved ones are there helping us to make it.
I am so Blessed to have my Barry.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Wish me luck ladies, I’m going to the spritualist church this evening with my good friend Hayley. I’m hoping I get a message from Martin or my Mum or both if I’m really lucky.
I spent all day in bed on Saturday, mainly sleeping, and now I’m up at 6am this Sunday. I’m going to start cleaning up the house, it’s a bit of a pit, and then I’m heading down to see my Dad and help my sister clear our bedroom, before a new flooring is laid Monday. I say our bedroom, as Dad can’t sleep there. It used to be his and my Mum’s but he’s getting it sorted, for my sister and I, as we each stay one night a week with him.
Strength in numbers ladies.
Much love to you all.
Normaxxx
Dear Tina, hang on, it is difficult, but you get a lot of support from these amazing ladies.
Norma, not sure whether you already went, because of the time differences. My best wishes to you anyway, with all my heart.
Lucky for you Mary, I haven’t seen my beloved husband for a long time. I wish he would come to see me soon!
Love and Peace to all of you
Zulaifa
Hello friends,
Just checking in — how is everyone? It’s been a busy few days and horrible in one way–a friend of my 14 year old daughter committed suicide and we had another funeral to attend. I have no idea why–she was a “whiz kid” 4.0, beautiful, seemed to love life and had a vision for the future as an Vet of big animals. It was absolutely tragic.
Hi Lori,
If us, adults have so much stress…can you imagine how much stress that our kids have!!!!
I heard my daughter speaking with a couple of her friends in my car oneday…speaking about the stress and maintaining the A’s…the level of quitaria that we somehow impose on our children. My daughter is an A student…Class President…Cheerleader…Honor Roll….
She got herself into the wrong crowd…not being true to herself…peer images…I sent her away at the age of 15 to live with her father…because she stopped speaking with me, when I insisted and found out what was happening. I cried for two years…
My daughter is in her thirties, now. She did not go to college…She works for herself as a clothing designer and a website builder. My daughter apologies to me at the age of 19. I kept on being there for her. I am so proud of my daughter.
We as adults have to remember as to what is true…the real life and love.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I feel terrible the last few days. I am so angry with god for keeping me here and taking my husband away. I do not have a shoulder to cry. I terribly need a hug and wish someone would say everything is alright. I just can’t take life anymore. Even the autopilot mode doesn’t seem to work. I wish I can go to my husband, bring him back. I want him to hold me and say everything is gonna be ok. I know I am been childish. I can’t even handle my splitting headache. I am so scared I will fail my kids. I love them the only reason why I exist now. I am sorry, I just want to put out what I am feeling. I feel so so lonely. I don’t have anyone else to cry and tell. Can’t upset any family members because they are anyway upset, I show everyone a brave face. But one of these days they are going to find out how weak I am.
Love and Peace
Zulaifa
Dear Tina and all,
The pain of grief is with so many here on this website. We remember what those first few months were like. It has been just over a year since I lost my husband to kidney cancer. Like you, I really did not think that he would die. This past year I have felt so empty yet slowly, very slowly, activities begin to fill some of the emptiness. Simple things, like getting new clothes or things for the house makes way for a future. Not everything is as it was when Bill was alive. So, I change and grow. I’ve met new people, done some things that would have surprised Bill, the world has progressed, events have happened. It is our calling to be here now. Hang in there. Your life will not be the same but it is YOUR life.
Teresa
Zulaifa
Thanks for writing to us we are here for you. It is OK to be ANGRY with God. I often get angry too, especially when my 9 year old cries for her Father I have to ask why? I still have my father (so she has her Grandpa) but we have to be strong for our children. It is so much for God to ask of us when we are so weak ourselves. We really have no choice but to accept that our husbands are gone. Having said that we can either try to find the strength to go on or remain is the past and refuse to accept what has happened. Remaining in the past can be very hard on your health, weaken what strength you have left and cause serious emotional and physical problems. It has been exactly 7 months since my husband suddenly and unexpectedly left this earth. I weep and cry daily because I just miss him so much, as does our daughter. I am now assuming the role of Mother and Father and it is not an easy task. I have to remind myself it was not by Stevens choice. He wanted to live and he had no idea that his life on Earth would end without warning- he was not prepared…we were not prepared.
I work on daily trying to let go of the anger because that stress will cause you to deteriorate. It may sound cliche but we need to find Peace on Earth, and remember our earthly existence is so short compared to the eternal life we have waiting for us. We do not understand Gods plan, but one day it will be revealed to us so please do not lose Faith and Hope. Some never have loved, and it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. The deeper the love, the more painful and the longer the healing. Be patient and kind to yourself and never give up. I am going through some tests and hoping I do not have cancer. A part of me says it is OK if I do have cancer because then I will get to see my Steven sooner than if I was healthy. I then snap out of it and say I can’t leave behind our young child to fend for herself I MUST live. I want to live, but often that is not realized until you are faced with the possibility of not living.
So just for today be glad that you woke up, that you have more time to spend with your children/family, to be glad that you have a little more time on this earth to prepare for what we will all face- our transition from earth to everlasting life to join those who have passed before us. The stop on earth is a very short one, and despite our pain we need to make the most of it. We know your pain, your profound struggle can be walked on the path with us. Stay on that path with us and we will give you strength.
Lori
That is so sad about the suicide. I am on the Board of Youth at our church and teens face such a struggle in this life. They are so vulnerable and I just feel bad that perhaps no one recognized the signs of depression in this young girl. We just went through a study where a movie was shown it was called “To Save a Life ” dealing with the same problem of teen suicide. I will pray for her, her family and all that have been effected to the immense pain that is associated with suicide. I don’t care what people say she will be in heaven. For God knows she was suffering mentally or she would not have taken her own life at such a young age. God created her and God will take her in his arms again for he wants all of his creations to be saved. Gods Love is inescapable. He knows our every feeling, our every sin, and he sent his son to pay for our sins so that we may all have eternal life. Can I prove this to the weak in Faith- No, but I can tell you the Holy Spirit is guiding my life, my faith and it is not something you choses, it is a feeling that radiates from within down to the core of your soul. I am not saying it is OK to committ suicide- IT IS NOT, but being mentally ill is an illness just like cancer. God does not forgive only the little sins, he forgives ALL sins, his grace does not comprimise.
So for today let us continue to stay on the path to finding PEACE on earth and make the most of our short time here. God Bless
Dear Ones -
You know I write many articles on this blog other than this one.
I think all of our problem is that we think we are going to be “normal” again.
We have changed permanently.
Wonder if you ever read this article I wrote.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/you-will-never-get-over-it-loss-of-a-love/
Try just double clicking on it to see if it comes up
OR -
You may have to copy the address and paste it into your search browser.
Please read it if you can or ask someone who knows how to do that to help you.
Sending love to all of my treasured friends here.
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