The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Hello,
I just want to touch bases. This morning, a big wave of fear and saddness came over me, as I am taking steps in letting go and moving on. The reality really sinking in. A step at a time. One day at a time. It all still seems like a dream to me at times. I have my pictures, so I know the love that was between my husband and I was real.
So, I am making future plans to help Cancer patients, somehow in Honor and Remembrance of My Husband. I do not know the answers, yet, but as time goes by, it will become clearer.
Blessings,
Mary (MLB)
Hi Mary -
It was nice of you to come and and touch base with all of us. We are interested in how you are doing.
When you lose someone you love, there are times when it feels like it is a dream and then months and even years later, it feels like it happened yesterday.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep on keeping on.
We care about you. Keep in touch with the group.
Hello Teresa
You know your husbands friend better than we do. If you are uncomfortable doing anything, with anyone, it’s okay to say no thanks. I don’t disagree with what anyone else has said here. Every comment has value as we have all had experiences to reference. You may be wrong about his intentions, but you may also be right. I think it better to practice trusting yourself, even if you feel unsure right now. Otherwise, you may find yourself asking others to decide things for you, which many will be more than happy to do. That’s a difficult practice to reverse. Your friends, if indeed friends, will be there for you as you find your way. It won’t always be as difficult as it is right now. God bless you. Mary W
During the early phase grieving for our spouse, I am learning that we must lean on others to support our decision making process. I do not remember how I stumbled upon this support group but I appreciate everyone’s comments and feel heard as I post. I do realize that I have to trust my own feelings and rely on my gut feelings as well as the advice of friends. But there is someone else in our corner. A Supreme Force, by whatever name you give, is there for us as well. I had proof of it this week.
As I worried about if I should go to the concert with my husband’s best friend, one person I mentioned it to was my sister. She and her girlfriend had tickets too! So now all four of us are going together. That is divine. I smile, and am sure that my husband would be happy to see me have some fun.
Dear Teresa,
That is great! You will be in a goup of people that will understand and support you, if you burst out crying. And it will not feel like a date…just a group of friends together.
When, my best friend took me to an event, I burst out crying because I missed my husband and it was too soon. There was another man in the group that I met there. He understood because he lost his wife three years ago.
Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello All,
Although I don’t post a comment very often , I do check into this site, particulary on ‘bad days’ to find comfort and advice.
So please bear with me while I go ‘BLAHH”…(it’s been a hard few days..)
It is 8 1/2 months since my husband, Malcolm, died as a result of a skiing accident.My daughter, now 14, lost her father.
It seems like ‘forever’ and ‘only yesterday’ rolled in to one. At times I feel as though I have great energy,am managing well and forging a new life. And at other times, like now, I am exhausted and want to curl up in bed until everything is okay again.
Sometimes I feel as though I haven’t really accepted Malcolm’s death and that he will walk in the door and wake me from this nightmare.And at other times I will feel strong and empowered and capable of forging a new life on my own.
Lately I feel so totally exhausted and I would be interested to know about others experiences and how you coped.
Having dealt with all the immediate issues following Mal’s death while ensuring my daughter emotional well being, managing the endless phone calls and visitors, and picking up extra work to help the financial situation, I feel that I have met the needs of every one except my own.I miss not having someone to share the load with and to bounce ideas off. Malcolm was not just my husband but my business partner and I find that being totally responsible for every decision is, at times overwhelming.
I know from the outside I appear to be coping well, as people often comment on how well I am doing,but in truth I am floundering.The highlight of my day and the thing I look most forward to, is 5 o’clock when I have my first glass of wine. I begin to feel guilty at my second and am convinced I am an alcoholic by my third!
I know I need to make time for myself, but I no longer know what I want or need or where to start.
Any suggestions would be most welcomed.
Thank you for listening
Marissa
Dear Marissa -
Thanks for letting us know how you are getting on. We will take the bad news with the good.
My son was 17 when my husband died. This is a bad period for a teenager to lose a father. Perhaps the only difference between you and me is that my husband was ill for five years and really suffered. Especially the last six months.
I got some psychological help for my son. You might think about that. Teenagers are not too forthcoming with their feelings especially if they think it might hurt their mother.
I also look forward to a drink with the news as the end of the day. Seems to me your guilt problem is with the third glass of wine. I used to have two martinis – now I have one and a half.
you say -
“I know I need to make time for myself, but I no longer know what I want or need or where to start.”
Maybe it is not time to start yet.
Group? Will you come in on this discussion please?
Dear Corinne – I was feeling so empty tonight. I lost my beloved husband, Paul on November 28 2007. I came home and found him dead in the yard with a sudden heart attack – even though I did all I knew to do – he was already gone. He was my soul mate and just the love of my life. I miss him so badly. I am in that phase where I have a lot of empty night alone here at the house. My family live a thousand miles away and I don’t really want to move out of ‘our home’. My community is nice but very small and I just don’t know how to get out of there. NO, I’m not ready for another man in my life and I can’t even bring myself to take my husaband’s clothes out of our clothes or the drawers. I open the drawer and look at his socks and underwear and break into tears. I understand the comfort of wanting to come home and sit in ‘his’ place on the couch. There I feel safe and comfort. I hear his laughter in my head – how we loved to laugh. It’s so hard and I don’t know if I will ever get back to my own kind of normal but I have found it gets better. I wish I could come home or open the door and find him there but I know I won’t so I just keep going on. I know he loved me and I know he knew how much I loved him so that brings me some comfort but the emptiness I have when I lay down at night or come home in the evenings will never be the same. Thank you for this website.
Dear Deborah -
You are expecting too much too soon of yourself. It has only been a little over six months. The shock alone is paralyzing. I know that the overused “time heals” does not help right now. But it is true.
Getting rid of your husband’s personal things is hard. One way I was able to do it is to realize there are poor people out there who do not have clothes to wear. I am sure your husband would want to share his things with people who need them. But, take your time. You will do it.
Most authorities on grief say we should not make any drastic changes in our living arrangements for at least a year. It is a huge undertaking even under normal circumstances.
Eventually, you will probably find you can find more comfort near people who love you.
Keep checking in with us and let us know how you are doing.
I’m going to suggest something to the women who are still immersed in grief, and I know my suggestion is going to generate a lot of flack. So, here goes: I know from experience that the only thing that will help you mend your broken heart is to find someone new to love. Yes, I know it’s not exactly the politically correct thing to tell a woman who has lost her husband in the last six months to start dating again, but that’s exactly what you have to do. Otherwise, the alternative is being alone. If you’re used to having a partner, and especially those who have lost a loved one who was with them for years and years, the only cure for your pain is to replace your partner. A lot of widowers do it and no one bats an eye about it, but have a woman openly say she’s lonely and enjoyed being married and wants to share her life with someone, if her husband died in the last six months and everyone judges her. Why is that? I say, the heck with anyone who would judge how you live your life. The concept of wanting to be part of a couple again should be something we support, not criticize. We shouldn’t tell anyone that it’s too soon, or that you’re on the rebound, etc. The only way to have love again is to openly seek it. That’s the only way you’ll bounce back. Think about it. If you lost your dog of 14 years and within a few weeks you went to the shelter and adopted another dog, no one would judge you. No one would say, “it’s too soon.” You’d go to the shelter and adopt another dog and you’d take that dog home and care for it and enjoy it and be that much better at loving it because you had loved your old dog so much and you wouldn’t be so morose and you certainly wouldn’t focus on the dog you lost. And you wouldn’t beat yourself up and call yourself disloyal to your old dog because you found a new one. Why can’t it be the same for loving another human being? I think it’s especially important for woman who are older to actively get out there. They need to suck it up and literally force themselves to date, and to date right away. I’m not suggesting that you jump right into another marriage. I’m just saying that you need to start dating sooner than you feel is “appropriate” (whatever that means). ‘Cause if you wait until you’re 100 percent again, you’ll be waiting a long, long time. You’ll never really recover from losing your partner. You’ll never be 100 percent about losing the man you love. The only thing you’ll gain is some distance from the initial shock. Ladies, don’t wait some archaic amount of respectable time before searching for the next Mr. Right. Do it sooner than you think you should and certainly before society deems appropriate. After all, it’s a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet your next mate. Get out there! Replace that pain with new experiences. Don’t wrap yourself up in your grief. It won’t help. I’ve been to grief groups where the people went around the room stating who they lost and how long it had been and let me tell you, it was scary to find out that most of them had lost someone five or more years ago. And after spending more time with these women, I learned that none of them had moved forward a day beyond the initial lost. They were stuck. Do you want to be that person? Do you want to sit in a grief group for years or do you want to go out and have some fun and maybe meet a wonderful person who will enhance your life? It’s all about mindset, ladies. You just have to make up your mind that you’re not going to waste another moment on this planet not loving someone. You have all this love in your heart to give to someone and he or she is out there just waiting for you to meet them. Do something constructive with your life instead of immersing yourself in your pain, and waiting for some epiphany to occur, some magic light bulb moment to happen that will give you the green light or the signed permission slip saying it’s okay to get out there and find someone. It won’t happen unless you decide to make it happen. Enough with this “Oh, I’ll do it in a year or two or three, when I feel the time is right” nonsense. Left to your own defenses, most of you won’t do a darn thing except crawl into your dead partner’s chair and wallow in what might have been. Life is too short. Make the most of it while you’re still ambulatory. Meet people. Try new things. And the key is to FORCE YOURSELF! It’s times like this that you need to parent yourself a little bit. Remember when your kid didn’t want to do something that you knew would ultimately be for their own good? You pushed them. Push yourself. Take care of yourself. Focus on where you want to be in a year or two, how you want your life to be and then go for it. I did it, and I’m willing to admit that the first few times, I was sad and lonely and i just wanted to run home to the solitude of my bed and my memories. I admit I had those conversations with myself where I said that no one could ever love me the way Roger loved me. And you know what? I was right. Roger loved me in his own special way. But you KNOW what else? I met someone who loves me in his own special way. Different but just as special. Force yourself to do this like you’ve never had to force yourself to do anything else before. This is your life and your happiness you’re fighting for. Find your backbone again. Immerse yourself in life, and I promise you that you’ll find happiness again. Don’t waste another precious minute on this planet being sad when you could find something to be happy about!
Dear Deborah -
First, I want to thank you for taking the time to write this long and insightful message.
And yes, you will probably get a lot of flack about it. I can’t wait.
A lot of women do not do what you say – even if they would like to – for one reason. They are ashamed of what their family or friends will say.
There is one answer to that. DON’T TELL ANYBODY! Simple, yes? I have heard also women say that they are afraid of going on line to a dating site because people will find out.
I wrote an ad for a friend who had that objection and I convinced her (I even placed the ad for her) by telling her that only people who are looking go on those sites. She is presently seeing a nice widower as a result of it. Neither one of them is interested in marriage but they are enjoying a life together.
OK. So much for that. You don’t say how old you are but the very idea of “dating” is terrifying, especially if you have been married a long time. You just don’t remember how to do it anymore. And it takes some people time to adjust to that they simply are not married anymore. I have had several women like this in my life coach practice. That is one of their main problems. Somehow, they feel they are cheating on their spouses.
I think your ideas are powerful. Perhaps they will help someone out there to have the courage to get themselves out there again. If so, you have delivered a great gift.
I started dating six months after my husband died. He had been so ill that I believed I did most of my mourning for him in the five years he had suffered.
Then, I stopped for about a year. I just wasn’t ready yet. I think I had post traumatic stress disorder after one medical crisis after another. But it broke the ice.
At this point, I am not closed to another relationship – but I would probably have to trip over someone to consider it.
My life is full and enjoyable and it is nice to be able to make all my decisions without consulting another person.
I like the end of your comment the best.
“Find your backbone again. Immerse yourself in life, and I promise you that you’ll find happiness again. Don’t waste another precious minute on this planet being sad when you could find something to be happy about!”
It is possible to be happy without a partner. Obviously, it did not feel that way to you.
So – what do the rest of you in this forum have to say?????
It is my first wedding anniversary tomorrow without my husband. And next week is the first anniversary of him being gone, a whole year. Sometimes it seems like yesterday cause the hurt is so deep and feels so fresh. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t accomplish going thru another first without him but then I don’t have any choice do I? I get so tired of facing everything alone and not having him to bounce things off of or to hold me when I cry. I am still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. It seems so futile without my Mike. I was never someone who cried much and I always and Mike always thought I was so strong, but now I feel hopeless and weak. Everybody says “Oh it will get better in time” if thats the truth then why am I here a year later, still crying and still hurting.
Oh, Dear Viola -
That is a terrible double header. Both things in a week. The firsts after losing someone you love are the worst.
Try to do something nice to honor your part of this wonderful marriage. Have a spa day. Take a long walk – or lunch with a trusted friend or relative.
The days will pass by. The anticipation is worse than the actual anniversaries.
It will get better in time, as you are told. But you can’t see that right now.
We’ll be thinking of you.
I was married to my first husband for 17 years when he decided that he “just didn’t want to be married any more.” The divorce shocked my system down to the core. But I did force myself to get out there to meet single men and eventually met and married Bill whom I mourn today. It could be that Bill was so sick and in pain but even though I miss him at almost every moment, the grief is not as bad as my divorce. So, even though I am a long way from being ready to date, my experience tells me that Deborah Sullivan’s ideas are not so bad. Without pushing myself beyond my comfort zone after my divorce I would not have known a truly wonderful husband.
My heart goes out to Viola, hang in there.
Hello Viola, It has been awhile, but I often think of you. I will be thinking of you tomorrow on your anniversary. I too wondered how I would survive that day. This is what I did. On our anniversary I let loved ones know I wanted to spend the day alone. I drove to the college campus where my husband and I first met and the romance began in 1976. As soon as I got there I experienced a flood of memories that I had not anticipated. Things came to mind that I hadn’t remembered in over 20 years. I thought I had made a terrible mistake. Yet, I couldn’t make myself leave. I kept my sunglasses on while the tears ran down my cheeks. I saw “US” everywhere. I stood in the spot I was standing when he first spoke to me and my heart skipped a beat. Our kids sent me text messages to see if I was alright. I took pictures of special spots around campus and sent them on my phone to them. They recognized these spots from the stories they had heard over the years. I visited all our favorite hangouts. Initially I was overwhelmed, but as the day went on, I found myself cherishing the memories and thanking God for every moment we shared. I bought him an anniversary card and placed it with a single rose on his grave. The day was a celebration of us. I pray that you will find your own way to celebrate the two of you. I hope it isn’t too tough. E-mail me if you need a shoulder. God bless you. Mary
As I am sitting here today on my anniversary crying my eyes out I miss my soulmate so much. How could it go from the best day of my life to the worst in just a short period of time. He made me so happy and laugh so much I feel like I will never be happy again. I know I have to get out of this house today its killing me. Thank you all for so much support. The people here are the oly ones that get how much it hurts.
Dear Viola -
You must be exhausted.
The day will be over soon. Go to bed early.
Thinking of you.
Dear Corinne and everybody,
The pain is part one of grieving. I is so sharp, it fills your whole body and soul. Close your eyes, sitting quietly. Use your imagine. Breath deeply thru your nose. Let the breath go slowly out of your lips. Keep breathing gently. Picture this that you are breathing in healing colors of pinks and purple. Let the colors go thru your whole being. Surround that pain with your deep love of life and the healing colors. Imagine white and golden lights coming down from the universe thru the crown of your head and surrounding your whole being in this beautiful light as in a sphere. This will help ease up the pain bit by bit. Everytime, you start feeling the pain, anxiety…breathe in and out, even why you are driving, working, anywhere. Taking in the breathe of life and letting out the negative energy really helps.
Although the sharpness of the pain lessens up in time, it surfaces at time.
As to pushing oneself into dating or being with someone on an intimate basis, it takes time. You have to listen to your inner self. You have to deal with the grief, the pain, the saddness…Then oneday a miracle will happen. You are free from the grieving and the deep saddness. You can start filling yourself with happiness and laughter.
It is like with everything else in life…one has to deal with it and to let it go. Rushing into things can create a bomb within yourself. Rediscover yourself…
Join in differnt spiritual groups, meditate, take quiet walks, look at the sky, the moon at night.
Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
My husband past away almost 4 weeks ago .and i’m trying to see how you deal with it .but i like what you said about people tellig you to get out there as if another man will fix everything .I feel alone but I have good friends and family but no one I know has been threw it so how will they know.
I just came across this site online & read the comments by everyone. I could relate to them esp the one by Viola. My darling hubby Mike passed from a sudden heart attack March 3rd, and I am just devastated and heartbroken. Right now I am in so much shock and pain. I know he is up in heaven but I still hurt so bad. He was the only man I ever loved (tv stars & singers don’t count) and the only man I have ever went out with more than once. I don’t think I will every believe it. I know I will never fall in love with anyone else or date anyone else ever again. He was my true love.
Since I was a homemaker and hubby was disabled for yrs due to being blind from diabetes. in order for me to have some money we are gonna rent out the house which will give me some income & I had to move in with my folks. We can’t keep my furniture & other stuff as my folks don’t have the room for it. So I had to auction it it off with auctioneers. I had to get stuff outta my house quickly cuz the contractors who are gonna fix up the house needed to have stuff outta there so they can work on it.
And my cousin’s son-in-law whose a cop and some dudes he knows are helped box up the records (music records) of mine & Mikes so I could decide what to keep and what to sell. I had to sadly watch 23 yrs of my life go by to never be seen again. I can handle losing furniture & some knicknacks as long as it wasn’t too special to me. But I had to go with my folks to take care of some stuff pertaining to Mikes passing (I can never call it death cuz I am still in shock & can’t believe it & he still seems like he is in the other room watching ballgames or either it’s all a bad nightmare). So that made me late getting to my house to label stuff as either, I keep it or it goes to relatives or it gets pitched either to either sell in the auction or get thrown out.
Well cuz I didn’t get to label stuff, the auction folks came & started grabbing stuff into boxes & I had no chance to see what went & didn’t say what to keep or not. and they came whent he folks to box the records up came, and my moms cleaning lady came at the same time. She was helping me get my clothes together. I tried all my old stuff on my stars singers etc, my clothes & jewelry, records & some of Mikes records, tapes & cd’s, my dvd’s & a few of Mikes I really liked and some personal stuff like a stereo and a boombox. I am keeping some stuff in my folks attic.
I went to my house one day & went thru the storage shed my folks got me for to put my stuff in. I didn’t have the time to go thru it all too well as it was too cold here in VA so will have to do more later. What I noticed was some of my cd’s and cassettes and dvd’s seem to be missing. If they’ve been taken to the auctioneers to be auctioned, there is probably no way to get them back. If these are gone I’ll just literally die. If I had to re-buy another copy of all of those, I don’t know how I could ever afford to re-buy all of that. Mike did something he shouldn’t have. He kept putting some of my records in with his records. I told the folks taking out the records which row in the closet was mine and warned them that some of my records were mixed in between his so they could watch out for them & save them for me. But in all the confusion stuff could’ve been easily misplaced. The dvds are not only something I love and want to watch again and again but Mike bought them for me cuz they are dvd’s of old tv shows from the 60’s & 70’s that I love & got them for me when they came out and they are special to me also cuz of that.
My mom talked to the auction people & I could go there a few days before the sale and go thru the stuff to see if any of my stuff I wanted to keep is in there. And if it was I could get it. Which is what I did. I found some of my cd’s & records but some at missing probably gone forever. I dunno where my cassettes are. Gone I guess. But as long as I have the album & cd’s of the records that’s the main thing I guess. Saved some other records of Mikes I wanted too. They had some of my cd’s & some of my records up for auction. I even found in the auction stuff some of my jewelry & had to save that. In it were some necklaces with coal in them that Mike had bought me in WV. Some family videos I had filmed on my folks video camera and some that taped off of the tv, were in with the sale stuff. They never bothered to look & see what the videos were of. So I had to grab what accidentally got put in with the auction stuff and get it back. I think what happened is they started getting stuff before I was able to say I wanted for certain dvd’s, records & cd’s to be saved. I saved some of our old 60’s & 70’s shows on dvd but couldn’t find the ones I wanted to keep bad. Sad thing the dvd’s are missing forever.
So some stuff I really wanted that meant alot to me is gone forever. I had to let go due to lack of space at my folks house some sweet little lighthouse teapots and sugar & creamer things to match them, they my hubby had gotten me for our anniversary several different yrs when I sas them at the beach & wanted them.
Now that I’m back to living with my folks again I feel as if I am a 16 yr old teenager again. Suddenly I was young & with my folks, then for 23 yrs that go interrupted for an interesting tv show I loved and now it’s back to be 16 again and with my folks. I’ll never believe he’s gone. I know he couldn’t hurt me like that. Just wouldn’t.
I not only lost my hubby, but alot of my things & life as I know it. My mom is just driving me crazy. I love her to death but she doesn’t understand when I want to do things that I want to do when I want to do them or understand why I have to talk to my hubby up in heaven. When he died I died too Prayers just said for you all. I miss Mike so much. My life is over…
Dear Cheryl,
My heart goes out to you. In reading your statement, I remember my own pain in the beginning.
I was curled up in bed. One of my girlfriends got into bed and curl up next to me, cuddling me. I thought I was going, also. I wanted to go and be with my husband. But somewhere, my spirit held on and helped me to survive the physical and emotional pains and turmoil.
Tears are running down my face as I answer you. It has been a year and three months for me. I had to work hard on myself to take control of my grief. I did not want to let it control me. My Barry would not want to see me being so devastated. He had so much respect for my strength and passions. So, I took control for my Barry. He is proud of me and smiling. He is saying that I am his Mary as he is my Barry.
There are plenty of hard days. But as each day goes by, you survive it. So, you get ready for another day. One step at a time.
As to your material things that you shared with your wonderful hubby, it will always be out there in memories. One day, you can begin to let go a little bit and a little bit more. No one can take the memories away.
With Love and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I think Mary gave you a lot of insight here.
The only thing I can add is to cut yourself some slack. This ia A TEERIBLE TIME.
Time must pass before you can get some clarity.
We are here for you. Keep us informed.
Dear Cheryl,
My heart also goes out to you. I read your note how you are wanting to hold on to so many little things and people other than women like the ones that visit this blog can only understand how holding on to those small things gives us some kind of security of holding on to our beloved husbands.
Don’t blame your husband for leaving – do you honestly think he would have left you knowing how it would hurt you. My situation was that right before my husband died suddenly of a heart attach I had visited a doctor. I was told that I had chronic kidney disease and the news was not good. We left the doctor’s office with a dark cloud over us and of course he thought it was me that he was going to lose. I tried to assure him that things were okay and let him know how much I loved him. I would lay awake at night pretending I was asleep and hear him crying and grieving over the thought of losing me. It was awful and then to lose him instead – I know I didn’t want to leave him and I am sure he didn’t want to leave me with what I have left to face.
I am sitting here with tears running down my face knowing your pain. I know it must be hard moving back with your parent but you have to remember that there is an adjustment period and it’s going to be hard. My mother shocked me when I called her the night my husband died and told her – after telling me I was joking she ask me when I was coming back to North Carolina. Well after her coming to visit me recently – she knows that I am home. I’m so sorry that you have to move in with your parent and losing your home. Like I said before, so many memories are tied up in the little things. I wish I were there for you to hug you and hold you. I still hurt a lot but recently I met another lady who was recently widowed in my town and I try to help her when she has those down times. She is lucky though because she has kids and family in town. I am fortunate that I have wonderful friends here but it’s not the same. I have a couple of friends that have stuck in there with me.
Just know I am thinking and praying for you. Pray and know that your husband and mine are looking down on us and still love us so much. I am sure that they miss us too.
Thank you, Deborah -
Such a helpful and compassionate reply. I know it took time to write it.
It really shows how we women can help each other.
Hello.
My name is Mimi, My husband was killed in an automobile accident 3 1/2 months ago. I had been with him for 24 years. I thank God for giving me the strenght. It is so hard. I have it on my mind 24/7. It is true. You can be surrounded by people and still feel so alone. He was my hero, and he is in heaven. I am blessed for my family. They say it gets worst. I hope to God that this night mare ends,
Mimi
Oh Mimi – your friends and family are giving you bad information. It is not going to get worse.
Worse is now.
I know you can’t see it but I promise it will take time but you will have a life again.
Go back and read all the comments here. It might give you just a tiny bit of hope.
Every one of us is feeling with you.
To Cheryl Harrell: Can I ask how old you are? I can’t tell from your comment above. I can’t tell if you were married for 23 years either. If your husband was your sole support and he was collecting disability for being blind, then you should talk to a disability attorney (attorneys offer free consultations) to see if that support or some other kind of support is now available to you. Also, don’t rule out Social Security as a possible source of income for you also. I assume you know how to use a computer. Have you gone on line and explored your state’s employment agency website? They might have programs available for you to enroll in to get you trained for some kind of job that will keep you busy, and eventually you’ll earn some money so you won’t feel so depend on your parents. Also, I don’t know how old your house is that you’re now renting out, or how large it is, but have you explored the possibility of eventually moving back in there and getting yourself a roommate to share expenses, provided you eventually obtain some kind of employment? There are dozens of possibilities that could and should be explored in the weeks ahead. Don’t think that every possible scenario has been thought of right now to remedy your situation now and in the weeks ahead. Even your parents and others who are advising you right now could miss something. They can’t think of everything that might help you. The rest of your life is ahead of you and if you start right now to take small steps towards exploring possibilities, you’ll ultimately feel better about yourself and benefit from your research. Don’t give up and don’t give in to the ideas and opinions of others without asking lots and lots of questions and exploring your options. It’s going to take you a while to even find out what your options are. Nothing is set in cement. It may not seem like it now, but what you’re going through now is only a temporary situation. Things will change and get better, little by little. You’ve just had a huge shock and it will take some time to get over the shock of losing your husband. I know what it’s like. One minute he’s there and suddenly he’s gone foreever. But things will get better. I promise. You need to dig deep inside yourself and find the strength to carry on and to make a new life for yourself. You can do it. You’re stronger than you think you are.
All I can say, Deborah is -
WOW!
The information you have given is not so available to everyone. And the advice so valuable.
Everyone will benefit in some way.
hello girls, My husband died suddenly from a heart attack while away form home on 2nd october 07.Lawrence worked abroad for along time and I think it must take longer for people to understand the shocking reality of what has happened when their loved ones don’t come home every night.I must have been in a daze for a long time. There were loads of things to do. Sorting out finance (a big worry at the time – three of our five childern were still at university and and their rents and alot of living costs had been funded by their Dad)looking after an elderly parent,finishing a house build and quickly getting back into work; which I had left to look after Mum.
I can identify with all your thoughts and feelings. Lawrence died aged 56 and was a good man in so many ways, not least for putting up with me for almost 29 years of marriage.No wonder he had a heart attack! We were on the cusp of ‘getting our lives back’ after raising a family of five children. He aimed to work from home more often and although we were never the kind of people to make meticulous plans there was a sense that there would soon be more freedom and we could begin to do stuff together.
He had a couple of stents put in after experiencing sudden onset angina 4 years before he died and basically had no problems from then on. I thought he was fixed. The thought of death never entered into my head. STUPID I know. He was a big guy, quiet with a great sense of humour, a rugby player, a dynamic man and and basically he had never been ill in his life.
My mother became much more dependant around this time and I had just started a course but had frequently to travel to help her out.Unbelievably I was more concerned about her than I was about HIM. Also I was completely caught up in me and what I could potentially achieve (thru this course)at the age of 50. You know fifty is the new forty and we must all find ourselves if it’s not too late!!!
From the point of the stents being put in he never complained (he never complained anyway) and only once made a oblique reference to his condition when he asked me to go out to his apartment for a couple of weeks to be with him, of course I didnt pick up on the message and didnt go.
It’s too late to wish that things could have been different, to sit him down and have a really good talk about our options and what we could do to pull together to make life easier for him.The stark reality was that we, no He, had too many financial commitments (they creep up on you), funding schools and universities and a mortgage and all the rest of it – though, at last, these were almost on the point of being put to bed for ever.
And that’s it. I just did not understand, until now, the incredible stresses and strains that many of our men go through to support our families and how they bravely (and I mean bravely) just get on with it without any drama or fuss.
Just before he died he sent me an email form a web site about enjoying evey day and appreciating the life that is given to us. It had some beautiful nature pictures to accompany it.
My first reaction was one of impatience (sorry girls what you must think of me!). Now I believe he knew that he would die relitavely young. I just wish we had really talked and that the last time I saw him in the railway station I had told him I loved him instead of thinking about what we were going to have for tea that fateful night.
When I feel sad I thank God for him and in some way that makes me feel better. I thank God too that we were together for nearly 29years and that I have 5 great kids and that I was lucky enough to have him as my husband because goodness knows what would have happened to me if I had’nt.And yes it takes a long time to understand and assimilate everything and to move forward though I think we all do that by getting up in the morning and attending as best we can to what the day throws at us, if we can, but there are days you just want to put everything on hold. At one point I remember feeling incredible vulnerable but that’s gone and it’s true grief changes into different things.Now I don’t like being alone for any length of time but I believe God is with us and that my darling husband is safe and free and if I dream about him he’s always a young gorgeous man. Which he was.
Thankyou for giving me the space to write this.
With love to all of you, Mairi
Mairi – my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing as your story has so many of the same aspects as my own. This is a great place to share with others. Continue to take care of yourself and pray for me as I will also keep you in my prayers. Deborah
Dear Deborah, thankyou so much for your reply and I will keep praying for you, love mairi
June 1st…4 months since Bill died. This morning I woke up almost 45 minutes late and had to rush to get to work. The day was nonstop. I came home and made dinner and was watching TV when it came to me that, for the first time since his death, I dreamed about Bill last night. I think that was why I had a hard time waking up this morning. I was with him and didn’t want to leave. He was telling me that he wasn’t dead and that he wanted to know what was going on with all his committees (he did a lot of volunteer work.) I didn’t know and had to go to all kinds of meetings to catch up. Everyone at the meetings was surprised to see me so they voted me on to the committees. Bill was pleased and wanted me to know that he would be watching the meetings through me. I didn’t want to join the committees but agreed to so that he would be with me. I want him back. 4 months seems like such a long time for him to be gone.
Hi Teresa,
I read what you wrote about your dream. I had that kind of dream, also. Barry and I were allowed to be together. We were so excited to see each other. We jumped up and down. We were hugging and kissing each other. There were three other people with my Barry. They were all talking to me. My Barry told me that his body was very sick and that was why he had to leave. Then, I woke up. I know that my Barry is always with me. Our spirits are always connected. That is why I have been taking Ministry I and II classes on the studies of all beliefs and understanding of people. This Sunday, I will be taking my Reiki II class. Thru, Barry I am learning to be a better person than I used to be. I am growing and expanding. I am so excited about all of my studies. My Barry is with me.
With Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dear Teresa and Mary -
I am not surprised at your vivid dreams. I believe that the spirit survives beyond the body.
And that beloved spirit still loves and cares about us.
I have talked to several well known psychics about this. They say it is difficult for them to come through to us so that is why it happens so often in a dream.
You now have your personal angel in Heaven.
He wants you to go on with your life as soon as you can but will always be with you.
Dear All
It is exactly 5 months since my dear husband passed away, due to a sudden heart attack at the age of 39. He had no signs of sickness. I miss him so so so much to this day. I am pulling through because of my two kids aged 5 and 10. I am crying uncontrollably at this moment while writing. There are times when I feel like quitting. Don’t want to live any longer. I am so guilty that I did not take enough time to say how much I care and love him. I feel that I did not do enough for him. May god bless you all.
Dear Zulaifa,
It will be a year and five months since my Barry went away. I went thru the stage that I could have said and done more. But, guess what!
Your husband do know. His spirit knows. His physical body is not here, but his spirit is. Because of his and your love, communications still exists thru dreams and instincts.
Because of your two children, you are surviving and continuing on. I had to take myself out of my own skin. I take care of 160 senior citizens. That keeps me going. I cannot let them down.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dearest Zulafa,
My heart aches after reading your note and recalling the pain I felt when my husband died of a sudden heart attack 2 years and four months ago. I was told his work was finished on this earth … and based on this thought , may I take the liberty to share with you this and another thought ….that God knew you were capable of raising your children in a new family structure . They are the personalities they will be …the product of mom and dad . You are all in such pain .it is so new .
Please be kind to yourself . Find people and places that nourish your souls and spirits … alone and together . Your husband must have been a very special man ! I also believe our husbands have more power above to help us and our families move forward in this life . We have experienced this ! They know we love them and how much we miss them every day.
My 80 year old mom told me after my dad died : Life will never be the same with out dad , but must go on. She did for 7 more years and is my inspiration to do same . I now look forward to living many more years and pray you continue to reach out , take good care of yourself , love those children and let them love you !
God Bless !
Millie
Dearest Mary and Millie
It was so healing to read your messages. Thank you so much.
May God bless!
Zulaifa
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