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The funeral was over. It was beautiful. Everyone said so. I think my husband would have been pleased.
Everyone had been so kind and supportive. The house full of loving people, food being delivered and family and friends so willing to help in any way.
My husband had been ill for five long years and the end was terrible. He had gone from about 200 pounds down to 70 pounds and was living in pain in spite of morphine and a cocktail of many narcotics. During the last week of his life I was praying that God would take him. So, when he died, at home, with all the family around him, I was grateful that it was peaceful and finally over for him. All I felt is relief. I had already grieved for five years and I thought that was the end of it. I didn’t know it was a new beginning.
If your husband died suddenly, you had a different scenario and you were probably living in such a state of shock and disbelief that you felt nothing at all for a long time. But, I can only write from my own background. As time goes forward, we probably start to share many of the same experiences.
It took a while until I started to realize how many things my husband took care of. Repairs, stocks, the bills, ANYTHING to do with cars –
I was driving home from shopping when I heard a siren behind me. It was a police car. He came to the window of my car. He gave me three tickets. Outdated plates, city sticker and an illegal left hand turn.
“What is it with you, lady? Why didn’t you take care of those things?”
I explained. Men do these things with cars. My husband died. He always took care of those things.
“Well, I’m sorry about your husband but you are the one who is going to have to show up in court. You’re going to have to get it together, lady.”
Okay. I will.
Then, he added, “Look, this is none of my business but I notice these things. According to the sticker on your car you haven’t changed the oil in 15,000 miles. You should take care of that.”
Thanks for telling me. I will.
He gave me the tickets but there was a sweetness, a caring in the way that gruff policeman told me to change my oil – a cop doing his job with kindness. It was an expensive experience but oddly comforting. And he was right. This lady had to get it together!
At first, I had a lot of attention from friends. I was included in activities just as I had when I was married. Then, slowly, it started to change. I was still invited to the big parties but not to the dinner parties or the pizza on Friday nights. That seemed to be just for couples. I still had a relationship with the “girls” for lunch and I spent time with my kids but it left many evenings open.
The absence of the stress and medical crisis I had shared with my husband for years had left this big void – a big empty space. I tried to remember what occupied my time before it all happened. I realized for the first time that this is a couple’s world. Going to a wedding or a big occasion was torture. There you are all dressed up sitting alone at an empty table with no one asking you to dance.
Did you get a lot of advice? I did. “When are you going to sell the house? It’s too big for you.” “Life goes on you know. You’re still attractive. Get out there and find someone.”“Watch out for the gold-diggers. They are looking for someone like you.” “Get involved in some activities. You’ll meet some new people.”
“You should join a widow’s support group.”“Have you thought about working at something different? It would be good for you to get out.”
“You should travel more. Get out there.”
Everything seemed to have something to do about getting out. I owned a travel agency at the time so I did have a job. But I found myself longing to go home to my big chair in the living room. I thought about that chair all day. It was a safe place. And I didn’t want to travel alone.
The thing that surprised me the most was the pressure from well-meaning friends, clients and family - to replace my husband- to find a man – almost immediately. I admit I thought about it. But the thought of “dating” was alien to me. Never mind finding one but what do you say to a date? I hadn’t had a date in years. And what do you do with your wedding ring? When are you supposed to take it off? My ideal situation would be to find a person exactly like my husband who would be deposited on my doorstep by helicopter. To go back to my old, comfortable life.
You might get the opposite pressure from your kids or your heirs. They tend to build shrines to your saintly husband. They might be horrified if you mentioned the idea of another man in your life even if there is no one in sight.
I’ve talked to a lot of widows about this and I hate to tell you this but it is about the MONEY. Their inheritance. They have seen stories on TV about scams. The nice and smart women who have been fleeced by con men. You have to assure your heirs that you are not stupid. That you are reworking all your financial matters to coincide with your new status as a single woman. And you will keep them informed of what you are doing. And as the cop said, you have to get it together, lady.
It’s an unpleasant task because the process brings us in contact with our own mortality. We all have this little secret. Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.
I started with conversations with my children. I wanted to know, of the few valuable things in my home, which they would want to inherit. You need to have that information when you make a new will.
And then, find out exactly what assets you have. Your husband may have handled all these things. I know mine did. If he had an accountant who did his taxes, that would be your first step. Otherwise, you will have to dig through his records.
The next is to find an attorney who specializes in wills and trusts. Not your friend who does real estate closings. A will is not enough. You will need a Revocable Living Trust. A lot of people are afraid of a trust because they think they will lose control of their money and their house. No. You are the executor and you can do whatever you want. Sell the house. Buy a condo. Trade your stocks.
Next would be to find someone to invest the money you have. You will be surprised at who will approach you on doing this for you. But do not give your money to your brother-in-law’s cousin’s son who sells annuities and promises you an income for life. At least, not until you do some big research. You want to deal with a large firm and with a broker who knows what he is doing.
Don’t start being a day trader yourself to save commissions. Probably, you don’t know what you are doing. Look for a broker who is a Certified Financial Planner. I was lucky. My son is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. I know from that how hard he had to work to get that designation. It is the Mercedes of broker levels and involves many classes, tests and experience. They are trained to look at your whole picture and will work with your accountant and attorney. Talk to a few and decide who you like.
Tell your heirs what you have done. Even offer to show them all your documents. They will stop worrying about you and someone stealing you blind. So much for someone who went through this process. It is not pleasant but when it is done it is done.
Time passed. I did get out a little. I met some single women. They had a life I didn’t know about until now. They actually got theatre and symphony tickets and went without a man. We had dinner together. Sometimes, just met for a drink after work. I had company. It was nice and filled in some of the gaps in my life.
I found out that I would not die if I went to a movie alone. I still missed my old friends and my old life but what they say about time healing is true. I started to “get it together.” I even went on match.com and starting dating. I found out that there are a few lonely men out there just like us. They were scared just like me.
I met some new widows. It’s a private club you never wanted to join but suddenly I became the authority on how to get through this period of suddenly being alone with the newer ones. A book I had written, Reflections from a Woman Alone came out and I was besieged with questions from everywhere by email, snail mail and at the book signings I did all over for months around the country. It made me realize how little help there is out there for us. We are the silent victims of life. People do not want to be reminded that this could also happen to them.
One last little piece of advice I want to add here. There is a rumor that it takes you a year to get over a death. Where that information comes from I have no idea.
I feel it takes as long as it takes before you even get to a point of feeling normal – whatever that means – again. I don’t think you ever get over a great loss – but you somehow re-invent yourself as you go along.
Don’t let anyone rush you. Things will get better. But in your own time frame.
Please add your thoughts to our sisters who are waiting to hear from you. Your email is never shown. You don’t even have to use your real name. Just your real support. We need each other.
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Yes Corinne we do need each other. And this story looks very familiar. Did you post it earlier when this blog was younger? I remember it because of the mention of your son who is a CFP with Merrill Lynch. Anything with Merrill Lynch in it reminds me of my own stint with them in the early 19890′s when I was a stockbroker.
It’s a great story and if this is a repost, you’ve given me an idea to do the same over at my blog. I’ve never thought of doing that (other than putting it in a “Best Post” column to direct new readers to it).
Twitter: miraclady
January 16, 2008 at 6:37 am
Yes, Stephen, you Sherlock Holmes, it is from an older article. But it is more of a rewrite. When I first put it up on my blog, I had four readers. Three relatives and you!
I thought it was important enough to rework it!
Corinne:
Very interesting! I’m learning from you here. Interestingly enough, yesterday I felt inspired to do a couple of new things for my blog in hopes of attracting more people to sign up.
Similiar to the purpose of your ‘re-write,’ first I attempted to create a “Critically Acclaimed Posts” column (hopefully interpreted as “Best Posts”) and while I was doing that, I was suddenly inspired to change the title of some of those articles, taking inspiration from the lady from the Self Made Chick blog (who I just finished interviewing). On a roll, I went to the archives and proceeded to change the titles on some more. It felt great and I’m hoping, like you, to see a surge in new subscribers because the titles have been changed to reflect the true nature of the article.
Just like what you’re trying to do with your rewrite!
Thanks for inspiring me with the re-write. It looks GREAT. Keep going. You’re on the right track.
Great advice. I think it’s so great that I have referenced this entry twice on my blog, crediting you of course. I followed all of your financial advice, went to a CFP that was highly recommended by several people and got him to recommend a lawyer who specialized in wills and trusts. I have two very young children, so I really need to secure our futures. I commented before that I am a teacher and one of my colleagues actually had the nerve to tell me she is good with finances and would do mine. First, like I want her to now my business, and second, what exactly are her qualifications?
Twitter: miraclady
January 16, 2008 at 9:56 am
Thanks, Sandi.
I have followed your blog closely – A Widow for One Year – at your site http://stduffy.blogspot.com and I know you have mentioned a prior article of mine several times.
I wrote it early in my blogging life and so few people were around reading my articles, I decided to rewrite it. I feel it is important to many of us who are widowed – or even to pass on to others.
To my readers – check out Sandi’s site as above or just clidk on her name in her comment to read her very helpful articles.
I have never had the experience of widowhood Corrine. But many of the social impacts are the same when you find yourself a divorcee. You discover that your old friends are couples and are not comfortable inviting a ‘spare’ woman along to dinner parties. And you feel so self conscious going places alone. Especially dinner and dancing type functions. And yes you do learn how to deal with all that. And maybe even discover that there are a number of advantages to being single and you don’t need to desperately find a replacement partner.
Twitter: miraclady
January 21, 2008 at 9:31 am
Dear Karen -
Of course you are right.
In many ways, this article addresses anyone who has had a loss – including a divorce. Even if you are the one who initiated it, there is disappointment and even grief involved.
When my book, Reflections from a Woman Alone, came out I could not believe the readers it attracted. Gay men, for example, who wrote and said this is not about a widow, it is about relationships. And many, many people who were divorced. One woman wrote, “I thought you were reading my mail!) Loss, and the adjustment to it, is universal.
I am still single after all these years and I would not trade it at this point! I can have cornflakes for dinner and not have to explain it to anyone – or paint my walls anything I want – or buy what I want —- Many advantages!
Corinne,
Thankfully I’m not a widow. My hubby gets rid of the dead mice and lizards our cat brings in. Ugh… But I do know that it took me about 7 years to get over a devastating loss. I was ‘living’ of course during those years, but grief takes it sweet time. All I could do was be in it, live it, and not move on, but move ahead, in my own way.
Thank you for a great article.
Twitter: miraclady
January 22, 2008 at 11:34 am
Der Michelle -
Seven years is a long time. But, as you so aptly put it, “Grief takes its sweet time!”
Happy for you that you are in such a good place now.
Yes, it is important to have a nice man to get rid of dead mice and lizards – but don’t forget burned out light bulbs, leaks under the sink -furnace filter changing – sweeping leaves – changing the oil in your car – could go on and on about the advantages of havind a good man in the house!
Not to mention – someone to keep you warm on these cold winter nights!
I actually am writing something like this from my own perspective as a young widow.. Feb. 13 marks the first full year since my husband passed away
This one year rumor … I too havent a clue where it comes from. I am amazed that it’s already been a year .. but the pain is still very real and very, very strong.
I resonate with the advice you privided – it took real work for me to understand it takes TIME ..
I am touched by this entry and I can really relate so thank you for sharing your experience. It’s precious – receiving an affirmation that there is life after the death of a loved one
Twitter: miraclady
January 26, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Dear Jemi -
There is life – but it is a different one than we had.
You are in a hard place, facing the first anniversary. I remember those firsts. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. This one is the hardest. The anticipation of it coming is even more difficult.
When the day comes, it will almost be a relief to have it pass. Congratulate yourself when it is over. It is one more building block to reinventing yourself.
I will be thinking of you on February 13th.
Love,
Corinne
Twitter: patriciasinglet
January 27, 2008 at 8:41 pm
My dear, sweet, aggravating husband of 35 years is still alive and well. What I learned when a close friend of mine was murdered about 15 years ago is that grief is similar and different for each of it in the period of time that it takes to grieve a loss. I do think that a sudden, unexpected loss can be more intense in the way that it suddenly shakes the foundation of your life and leaves you in a fog wondering what happened.
Your kind policeman had me in tears. Thanks for sharing.
Twitter: miraclady
January 28, 2008 at 8:42 am
Dear Patricia -
I am glad your sweet husband is still aggravating you after 35 years! After all, that is a man’s job. Happy for you that he is still referred to as dear and sweet!
Hopefully, you are annoying him as well!
Yes, I agree that a sudden and violent death does not have any time limit when it comes to grief. I don’t think you ever really get over it although you go on with your life. It changes you forever.
I think that policeman felt sorry to have to give me three tickets – although he still did it. But his words, “You have to get it together lady” made a big difference in my life.
And I stopped at Jiffy Lube and changed my oil on the way home.
Angels come in all forms.
I just found your article … and I just passed the 1-year anniversary of the death of my husband … for the most part, (not everything is perfect), i had the best 16-years anyone could ask for and then cancer struck.
I miss him terribly … there is a huge hole in my life … I am a professional person; travel at lot .. and still can’t’ believe I’m coming home to an empty house and no one to get feedback from my adventures in the ‘corporate world’!
I know rationally it gets better … and in some ways it has .. but sure wish there was a magic bullet!!
My business life is in the ‘male’ world and if I talk with my friends husband about business I feel ‘their wives … my friends’ are ‘uncomfortable’ … and NO, I don’t what them …
Any advice for me…
Twitter: miraclady
February 10, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Dear Wendy -
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it easier for you. I know where you are so well.
Yeah, the wives don’t want us around much. Even though we would not be interested in 90% of their husbands if we were on a desert island with them for five years.
Even if you were willing to talk to people, they really don’t want to hear about your feelings after about three months. You will get “Remember life goes on” comments only.
If your husband died just over a year ago, you have gone through the birthdays, anniversary, holidays. Those are milestones.
I know it is a cliche, but healing does come.
Stay in touch. My personal email is miraclecor@aol.com.
My husband died 2 weeks ago at 3.05 tomorrow morning. He was diagnosed last August with cancer and we were told months – not years. And it was true. I keep thinking he is just late and will turn up eventually. I just want to hear him walk through the door and cuddle me to sleep. I’m taking one day at a time and loving these real thoughts I have. Not a moment goes by when Al isn’t in my thoughts. I love him.
Twitter: miraclady
February 11, 2008 at 9:09 am
Oh, Susan, I am so sorry.
This is so new it probably does not feel real yet.
There is no comfort now. Only days to get through.
Love never dies. You will never stop loving Al. And he will never stop loving you.
You now have your own private angel in Heaven watching over you.
Corinne,
You said the most beautiful thing to Susan. That “You now have your own private angel in Heaven watching over you” My own husband died a few weeks before Christmas 2007. He also had been diagnosed in the summer of 2007. I miss him and miss having him to talk to. Two days after Bill was buried, I fractured my leg in two places…I have still not been back to work yet and maybe that is a good thing. There have been ALOT of items that had to be dealt with as you know. Luckily, I was the one who dealt with the finances, so that part was not as difficult. Hopefully I will go back to work in March. At least those who were given some sort of a life expectancy time frame had the chance to say goodbye and tell them that we love them…….small comfort, but small comfort is better than no comfort!
Twitter: miraclady
February 15, 2008 at 11:14 am
Dear Christine -
I am a great believer that the spirit of the person survives the physical experience.
So, instead of praying to angels who may have a lot of requests – or saints – who must be pretty busy -
Why not look to an angel who has a real interest in you?
I had a friend who was a talented psychic. The police used to call her in for assistance on cases. They don’t make that too public but they do it.
She said there was a rule in the afterlife. YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP! They need to have the request.
So, I do. It is more consoling to believe than not to believe. There is no downside in that.
Twitter: miraclady
February 15, 2008 at 1:22 pm
PS Christine -
Sending much healing to your leg.
As you said, perhaps it gave you some time to recover – just a little.
I went back to work after three days. I had to. It was a brand new travel agency – and I was IT. It was hard.
I had tears in my eyes until I read Susan’s post, then I cried. My husband has been gone for 5 months. I have watched and waited for him to come home, I have scolded him for not calling and for promising he would never leave me. I have begged him to come back to me. I feel alone no matter how many people are around. I don’t cry as much, but still every day. I know it doesn’t seem possible, but we were together 31 years and never fought. I feel I should apologize for that sometimes, but it is the simple truth. He just had a way of making everything alright. I don’t know how to do that for myself. I have so much to learn. I have always taken care of our finances and paperwork. My husband was confident that I could do anything. I wonder what he thinks now. Tomorrow I am going to buy your book “Reflections from a Woman Alone”, if I can find it. Mary
Twitter: miraclady
April 9, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Dear Mary -
I wish I could say something to make it easier for you.
All I can think of is that is like a prison sentence. You have to do the time.
It does not seem now like it will get better. You can’t see it.
So, even if it is true, it will not help you right now.
My heart and my thoughts are with you. Let us know how you are doing.
My private email is miraclecor@aol.com. Contact me if you would like to share some private thoughts. I will answer you.
Love,
Corinne
My husband died of a massive heart attack at our home last week. I don’t know what to do with myself or my grief. He was the love of my life, my soulmate. What do I do with me now?
Twitter: miraclady
April 24, 2008 at 4:37 am
Dear, dear Viola -
My heart is breaking with you.
You asked what you should do now.
You are in SHOCK right now and you should do nothing. Just the basics of taking care of your personal needs. Please eat and get enough sleep. Try to take a little walk each day, if only to the corner to mail a letter.
Do not take advice on making any drastic moves. Sit in your chair and let time pass.
You are like an American soldier who has just had his legs blown off in Iraq by an bomb. You have had an amputation.
After only a week, you need to allow time. It does not even seem real now. In a month or two, you will be able to think more clearly.
You might consider talking to your doctor about some medication to get you over this first hard time.
I am sending you my prayers for healing. You will survive. I promise.
Love,
Corinne
Dear Viola
I’m so sorry. If I could give you a hug right now, I would. It may not help, but sometimes kindred spirits can lift each other without words. I’m noticing, after six months, I don’t cry every time I look at a photo of him, or one of his shirts, or his empty chair…well, sometimes still when I look at his chair. It’s not that I don’t feel, or that I have forgotten, my feelings are magically turning to sweetness. Where I may have burst into tears just a couple of months ago, I can now kind of smile thinking of him. I hope you find this to be true for you. At first I looked for him everywhere, in drawers, in the attic…everywhere. When I stopped looking for him with my eyes, and started looking with my heart, I felt him near me and that has given me great comfort. I truly mean that and I’m not one that could have imagined that to be true. You may e-mail me if you like at MaireeW@yahoo.com. Here’s a hug ( ). If others can survive this, we can too. Mary
Dear Corrine and Mary thank you so much for your support. I truly feel like I am the only one in this world right now that could hurt this badly. I also feel so very mad that everybody else’s life is going on as normal and now I can’t find a life let alone a future. My husband always said I was the strongest woman he had ever met, I also believed that…Weboth were very wrong cause I happen to be very weak. I just want to stop the hurt and the tears and the anger and the pain. And your right I can’t and I can’t sleep.
Dear Corrine and Mary, I know exactly what you’re both going through. My fiance (and best friend for over 20 years) passed away in September of 2003, just six weeks before what was to be our wedding date. Our wedding invitations were sitting on my fiance’s desk waiting for one last review before we were going to mail them out. When I received the call from the patrol officer, I thought the world had stopped. I thought the pain, actually physical pain in my heart, would never, ever stop hurting. For weeks and weeks, I cried at the drop of a hat. I didn’t even need a hat to drop to start crying! I used to take our dogs for long walks, sometimes two and three times a day, because I was convinced that if I was outside, somehow my precious Roger could “see” me better than if I was inside our home. I would stop walking and slump down in the grass underneath a tree and just sob. It seems like the whole world was happy, everyone except me. I felt so empty. I had lost my soul mate, and a part of me died along with him. After this incredible loss, I discovered what I was truly made of. I discovered my own inner strength. I don’t have any magic words to offer you to make this time in your lives easier. The only thing to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. And don’t take advice from anyone. Only you know yourself and what you need to take care of yourself and get you through this horrible time in your life. I didn’t return to work for one year. I forced myself to maintain some kind of daily routine (up in the morning, eat breakfast, walk the dog, (cry) eat lunch, (cry) walk the dog, (cry) do errands, (cry) return calls, (cry) walk the dog, (cry) eat dinner, (cry) read or watch TV, (cry) sleep, repeat again the next day.) Eventually, the crying parts of my routine lessened until eventually (many weeks later) I marveled that I could go an entire day and not cry once. You never, ever forget your partner, and you never forget the incredibly sad days and weeks and months after his death, but life has a way of happening when you’re not looking – even when you’re busy carrying around enormous grief. Just be as good to yourself as you can. Time is the only thing that truly gets you through this ordeal. It really is true: that which doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. But you know what? Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if he had never died. Sometimes I wish my life hadn’t taken such an abrupt turn and that I could magically put my life back on track. The sudden death of your partner is such a horrible jolt. You feel like your life is not your own. It’s been over eight years now since Roger died. Since then, I’ve grieved, started a new job, moved, began dating, became engaged, and married the most wonderful man (whom I’ve also known for over 20 years as a friend). I now believe that life happens the way it’s intended to happen and there isn’t a darn thing you can do to change that. You think you’re the captain of your ship? You think you’re plotting your own course? Forget about it! Just try to enjoy all those precious moments of happiness that are sure to come. And believe me, they will. Just enjoy every happy moment you do have. That’s what makes all the pain you’ve gone through worthwhile. Try to be as happy and as “in the moment” as you can be in your life. That’s the lesson I think we’re intended to learn about life. We’ve been put on this planet to be happy and to be good to each other for as long as we possibly can.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so relieved to hear that I’m not over reacting to some of the comments that my friends and family make to me about dating. I too am a widow. my husband passed away only 1yr.and 7 months ago. He was 35yrs. old.Tank you once again.
Dear Frances,
I’m so sorry about your husband. It sure it tough trying to find our way without them, isn’t it? It has been over a year and a half for you, does it get easier? Or does it just get different? I know it isn’t the same for everyone, but it does help to hear how others are coping. God bless you. Mary
Twitter: miraclady
June 5, 2008 at 11:40 am
Dear Mary and Frances and Debbie -
The incredible power of the Internet constantly amazes me.
A place where we can go anonymously and tell our stories and then get comfort from others we will never know.
I am grateful for your stories. This posting gets a lot of traffic. I had no idea that would happen. But everyone’s input is helping another person get through one of the most difficult times of their life.
Many people do not comment. But I assure you there are many readers who take your words seriously.
Thanks for adding to the discussion.
And it is good to add some success stories. It gives us all hope.
When we are sure our life is over.
Gavin passed away nearly a month ago 18/06/08. A week before his 38th birthday. He was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. He never recovered from the last op where part of his liver was removed. I miss him so much, more every day. The worst part is there’s nobody else that understands me anymore. I found out this weekend why there’s a robot on the New Road turn-off. We could never figure it out before. Liza corrected Aletta when she said ‘saarndrees’ Only Gavin would understand that. I have never been so sad and hurt in my life and I’m afraid that I will never feel anything but sadness again. Every time I think I have no more tears left, I see a picture of Gavin or hear a song and it starts all over again. Work helps as it takes my mind off everything else but coming home is absolute torture. There’s no more hugs when I walk in the door. I hate that the most. I don’t know what to do with myself and I don’t think I have what it takes to continue.
My husband passed away Sept 29, 2007, and it is still so hard to deal with. We were together for 32 years, and I feel so lost without him. He made me laugh all of the time. He was so much fun. We had his burial this weekend (he was cremated) so that was something else to get through. I have gone through my daughter’s wedding without him (I walked her down the aisle and that was hard, our anniversary, my birthday, his birthday this month and soon it will be a year since he died. It is hard getting through these days, but there is a relief when they are over. I miss him and still don’t know what to do with the rest of my life. I am taking one day at a time. My children are very helpful, and grandchildren give me a reason to want to go on living. He was so special and I will miss him forever!
Twitter: miraclady
August 4, 2008 at 11:21 am
Dear Barb -
Oh, that first year and all the events! It is the worst. And the lead up to each day is even more so than the actual date.
I remember it well.
You don’t have to know what you will do with the rest of your life. When you think about it, we don’t know what is coming next anyway. Just live it the way it is –
I know you don’t think you will survive this, but you will.
But you will miss him forever. Expect it.
My love and healing thoughts go out to you, wherever you are.
Dear Corinne,
Thank you for your pro active outreach to those of us who have lost our husbands. Your blog was the first listing after my google search to find the proper way to write my name socially. My heart goes out to those who have recently lost their husbands and in particular those who died after a sudden acute event with no advance warning. If I had not been there and attempted CPR , I would not believe it happened.
My husbands funeral , which happened only becvause of my sons and my sisters, was held two days before our 38th wedding anniversary.
This was February 1,2007 and just today I have completed my “move in” to a new smaller residence after selling our home of 28 years. This has been hard work and I appreciate the remarks about how our loved ones and friends lovingly advise us about planning our future. I had retired from a healthcare institution 1.5 years before my husbands death, which was a gift for which I will be forever grateful. Today this is a challenge and a gift to re engage professionally.
I would like to share a few simple thoughts that were my golden rule: 1) TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME 2) On grief from a berievement specialist I met early on … “FEEL YOUR FEELINGS and THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT” 3) EXERCISE DAILY 4) PRAY
Today I am committed to reorganizing my contact lists and
reconnecting with loved ones, friends and colleagues who have been so supportive over the past 18 months. I pray to find a purposeful and fulfilling life with new dreams…to learn to be an independent loving mom of two single adult sons, to have girl friends to replace my “golf partner”, to return to the field of Health care with a new passion…ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I too look forward to reading “Reflections from a woman alone” ,and thank you for this opportunity to share with others facing this new passage of our lives.
Twitter: miraclady
August 28, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Dear Mille -
Thank you for writing and in particular, sharing your process over the past year.
There are many who write when the death is so fresh and new that they cannot envision getting through it.
You have contributed to their comfort. One of our “club members” is making it.
Sounds like you are right on schedule.
We never really get over a great loss – but we can live with it and even laugh and have fun again.
Your wise saying, “THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT” is especially important.
Good luck on your continued journey to have a fullfilling life.
I have sent this to a dear friend, I am looking around to try and help her all I can. She needs to talk to people as well as help with bills.
Much Luv
Bonnie Fitzgerald
bonnie@crossroadsfoundation.com
I was thinking that if God could make all of this, surely he could heal my husband. I am reminded by the falling leaves of how devastating it was to see my 6’1″, 225 lb husband get so thin I could see his ribs. These images and feelings are more prevalent to me with the change of season than they have been most of this past year.
I don’t think it would be easier to lose someone you love suddenly, acutely as in an accident. In some ways it would be harder. To watch someone you love suffer and wither away before your eyes, over time, and there’s nothing you can do to stop the process, is also horrifying. I am, however, grateful I got to say goodbye. My husband died Oct 22, 2007 of skin cancer (melanoma). We were together 31 years. We were still in love, still having fun. He was 52.
May God bless and comfort each of us as we travel new path, as we struggle to realize a future without him in it and imagine the possibilty of a different type of happiness. They want us to be happy and enjoy life because they love us. I want that too. It will come if we let it, in it’s own time. Mary
Twitter: miraclady
September 19, 2008 at 10:06 am
Dear Mary -
I know exactly what you are saying. My husband was also six feet and 200 lbs and he went down to about 70 pounds. It went on for five years.
I guess it is better than a sudden death – although who can measure the pain of each. I did have time to say good bye and so did my children.
He did not get along with them – until the end when they made peace.
You are right on when you say, “a different type of happiness.”
We never are the same again.
My heart is with you as you approach the first anniversary of your husband’s death. That is one of the worst days.
But it passes, when it comes, like another day. The anticipation of it coming is worse.
Twitter: miraclady
September 19, 2008 at 10:26 am
Dear Bonnie -
I hope your friend finds a nugget of comfort somewhere in this article.
You are kind to send it on to her.
Hello Corinne,
Have been searching through many sites this afternoon trying to find some words of comfort and hope. My husband, Malcolm, died in a skiing accident six weeks ago tomorrow. The initial shock has passed and I am now left with this overwhelming feeling of sadness. For him and the life he has had snatched away. For our 13 year old daughter and the journey she now has to embark on. And for myself.For the life I thought I had and the uncertainty of the future without him.
I know I will cope and get through this but some days are a bit more difficult than others. Thank you for being there.
Dear Marissa,
I hope you and your daughter will be comforted somehow. It’s so hard sometimes. I don’t have good advice for you, but I care and am so sorry. Mary
Twitter: miraclady
September 27, 2008 at 10:46 am
Dear Marissa and Mary -
That was so nice that Mary came into this conversation.
Yes, especially at first, all we can do is cope.
This is like a private club we never wanted to join. Only those of us who have been through it can really understand.
I am glad my article made you feel less alone. We are out here!
Sending love and healing to both of you. And all of us.
Dear Corinne, my husband passed away 12 weeks ago aged 43 of Pancreatic Cancer, he was diagnosed when I was 5 months pregnat with our first child. He was my soulmate and my life, we had been married 10 years and my heart always jumped when I heard his voice or saw his face. My only comfort is that he is at peace, he was everyones favorite person, he was witty, fair and kind but he did not need to be liked by all. He was the bravest man I will ever meet and took his illness in his stride, but he wanted to live a life of quality or not be with us. Sometimes I felt selfish encouraging his next treatment and pushing him to keep going. He is at peace and in those dark moments which come I keep going by reminding myself he is safe, he is not suffering, he is waiting for me fit, well and happy keeping my seat warm. As long as I can believe he is happy and well watching over us then I can keep going. My son is and truely is “his fathers son” at aged 17months he keeps me busy, but also my heart breaks when I think of what they are both missing. My darling husband lives on in my heart he is watching me and guiding me forever. Your site has comforted me and reminded me I am not alone and will never be alone. thank you.
Twitter: miraclady
October 7, 2008 at 9:24 am
Dear Dear Maria -
Yes, you are in the throes of all your arteries being open.
Please keep these thoughts out of your mind. You did what you thought was right. And that is the best any of us can do.
“Sometimes I felt selfish encouraging his next treatment and pushing him to keep going.”
Your son will be told over and over about his brave father. He will live on as you care for him. You are lucky to have him.
My healing thoughts go out to you, Maria.
I would suggest you visit Sandi’s blog. Just go to the top of the comments here and click on her name. It will just come up. She is also a recent young widow and writes so from her
heart. Join in the conversation there.
Connie,
Thank you for your words!
I lost my husband suddenly almost eight months ago and every single thing you said I have heard from family and friends. The latest is when I told my mother I was having trouble sleeping and she asked, “why, dont you feel well”.
Everyone would like my life to just go on. Every day that goes by, you would think would be better but for me it seems like I am getting further and further away from the memory of my husband and that makes me very sad.
I am just in motion every day. My soul is empty. I died the day my husband passed.
Thank you,
Cindy
Twitter: miraclady
November 7, 2008 at 9:40 am
Dear Cindy -
People give you about five minutes to “get on with your life!”
You will never get away from the memories of your husband. Don’t worry about that. He would want you to treasure all the good times you had with him. And think that you now have your own personal “angel” watching over you.
You will find, as time goes on, that you did not die with your husband. If you are still in this world there is a reason.
Don’t rush your grief. It will come in its own time. Staying in motion is important.
Your soul will never be the same. A new soul will fill your heart as time goes on.
I hold you in my heart.
Twitter: miraclady
November 7, 2008 at 9:43 am
PS to Cindy -
Go to Amazon and buy my book, Reflections from a Woman Alone. They are selling it for ONE CENT as it is out of print. It will make you feel less alone.
Dear Corinne,
My dear husband, my partner, my soulmate left January 26, 2008. We were together three and half years. He left just five days after our one year wedding anniversary. We squashed twenty years of living into a very short time. I watched him suffering and being in pain from the cancer. It all happened so quickly.I watched silently as pieces of him went away. I would cried before I got home from work. I had to be brave. He told the Hospice Nurse near the end that he did not want to see me cry anymore.
We are spiritual people. I saw his spirit on our first date. Then, I saw his spirit leave at the end. He did not linger in bed, dringling away. The Hospice Nurse, the Social Worker, my husband and I were sitting at the dining room table. My husband was talking about spirituality. He spoke about our plans. He spoke about another future. He stood up from the table. I was looking at him thru a haze. I saw him with his face shining with light. He stood up tall and proud. He was dressed in a white robe. He raised his arms in the air and I saw him take off. Then out of the corner of my eyes, I saw his body half lying on the table and the Hospice people catching him from falling onto the floor.
I had the biggest Thanksgiving of Life in 2007 with our friends. We knew.
Now after this Thanksgiving, 2008, I went into a panic. I thought I would have to relive the pain and suffering of my dear husband. I went to sleep and woke up at 1 pm. I remembered the spirit of my husband and I was comforted. My husband is not suffering anymore. His spirit lives on.
I had the rug pulled out from under of me. Nothing in this material world means anything to me. Only the spirituality that I have. Because of my husband, it helps me to give me courage to carry on. We have our eternal love that will live on forever. He is in my heart and with my soul.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
December 1, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Dear Mary -
How wonderful that you had such a memorable Thanksgiving in 2007. I know this one was very hard. The holidays are the worst – and the first birthdays and anniversaries. So, you probably are dreading this holiday season.
The anticipation of the dates coming up are worse than the days themselves. I have found that I just wanted to be very quiet or do something very peaceful.
And the first year is the absolute most terrible year.
Your husband is with you and can be a comfort. Ask him.
As you said, love never dies. That you will have forever.
My thoughts and prayers for comfort are with you, Mary.
Dear Mary (MLB)
Your story gives me goosebumps. When you spoke of seeing your husband in the light. I too saw the light in my husbands eyes and on his beautiful face just before he passed on. I have no words to describe it. What I saw in him was as light, but not bright, like as to hurt your eyes, it was a feeling of calm, peace, perfection and beauty. Nearly a month and a half before he died saw this same sort of light that he tried desperately to describe to me, after I saw what I saw in his eyes, I knew exactly what he had been trying to tell me and I struggle to find the words, just as he did. I felt almost like I was looking into the face of the most Holy. It gives me peace to remember what I saw in him and to know he lives in that light now and throughout all eternity.
I believe my husband wanted me to see what he saw and in his last moments, he let me see it through his eyes. A gift that will last me a lifetime.
I hope you find happy moments throughout this holiday season. God bless you always, Mary
Dear Corinne & Mary,
It is good to find people that understand and to share what I am going thru. Hopefully with my little story, I can give encouragement to others. My husband had told me that I need to write down my stories and things. I never knew grief before in my whole life. I am downsizing and simplyfing my life right now. Nothing in this material world have any meaning to me at all. Nothing is the same. I am not the same. I have a few good days, then I have my bad days. I just let my tears flow. I am on my spiritual journey. That is what will pull me thru and hopefully the sadness will go away one day. Here is something to share….
The Eternal Now.
Yesterday has fled into the past, to be recalled only in memory.
Tomorrow never comes. What is there left to us?
Only the Eternal Now.
Now is forever.
Now is Eternal.
Now knows no time, space or age.
Now is the New Day, the clean start, the fresh page in life’s Cosmic Book.
Now is the opportunity – available to all who will make the necessary effort.
Now I find strength and courage to meet the challenge.
I press on toward the ultimate goal, and all is well.
The Eternal Now:
How beautiful!
I now take my place on the great stage of human action and enact my role in life’s ever moving drama.
It is my part.
None can play it but me, and …
I will do it
Now.
With Peace and Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I have read and cried for about an hour, these stories are sad and inspiring. My husband will die, only have a short time left. I do not know how to feel sometimes, I feel like I am already greiving, so scared to feel like this, I do not want to come home and never see his face looking back at me, never feel his warm body holding me, I am terrified!
Twitter: miraclady
December 3, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Dearest Julie -
Everyone who has replied on this article has been exactly where you are. We know the terror.
Picture all of us holding you in our arms and comforting you.
We are with you.
Anyone out there with some words for Julie? There is, I know, so little to say at this time.
Keep in touch. We are here.
Twitter: miraclady
December 3, 2008 at 1:28 pm
PS Julie -
Read Mary’s beautiful poem. I like this part.
I now take my place on the great stage of human action and enact my role in life’s ever moving drama.
It is my part.
None can play it but me, and …
I will do it
Now.
Dear Julie,
It is very hard to know that your beloved parnter is dying slowly. Half of me thought it was a dream and I would wake up, that it is not happening. The other half of me was so scared, worried to see my husband suffering so much. I would cry in a parking lot of the supermarket everyday before going home. I would call up friends of ours to speak to. Then, I would go home and try to act normal. Normal, what is that? Everything was so quiet. There was not more laughter. All I saw was my husband sitting at the dining room table, counting his pills. He would sit there with his head hanging down. There were no words to be spoken. What was there to say. He could not even hold his food and pills down.
I did not know what was worst. My husband and I spoke about it. It was either the pills that was making him sicker or was it the sickness?
I just remember the deep love that we have. Our dreams went scattering into the heavens. Even though I did not want my husband to leave me, I did not want him to suffer anymore. The faith of our spirituality bought peace.
Our human bodies just house the spirits. Our spirits lives on.
Spend gentle, quality time together. Hold each other. Your spirits will speak to each other.I really miss the tenderness that we have together.I had to let my husband be.Tears and Pain. Prayers.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dearest Julie,
When I read your note I just cried, I was feeling the same just a little over a year ago. My husband and I never spoke of death until 12 days before he was gone, after 2 and a half years fighting cancer. We just wouldn’t let ourselves think it was going to end that way. As I look back, I wonder if it would have been a little easier if we had talked about it before. I don’t have regrets, I just wonder.
He knows you are hurting Julie and I don’t think you need to try hiding it. I would just sit near him as much as possible, perhaps with your hand on his or touching him somehow. Maybe he would like to hear you say that while you can’t imagine life without him, you will find a way to be alright, just in case he can see you, he will see you trying to be happy.
I don’t really know what to tell you. I just wish I could help. If he can still write, perhaps he could write you a little letter that you could read over and over after he’s gone. Maybe you can put a paper under his hand and trace with a pencil around his fingers, then you can hold his hand when he’s gone.
God be with you. Mary
Dear Julie,
My husband was in the hospital to have a feeding tube put in. I did not feel right about it. I was dealing with Nurses and it was lucky if I saw the Doctor.
My husband wrote questions on my pad. I told him that I was trying to find out answers. Then, he wrote another question “Was I wearing any underwear?” Dispite that he was so sick, he retained his sense of humor. I just said “Oh, Barry”….All I could was look at him with love. I got him out of the hospital thru Hospice. It is all about the quality of life.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
December 3, 2008 at 5:16 pm
TO ALL OF US WHO HAVE SHARED HERE.
When I wrote this article over a year an a half ago, I had no idea of the community of loving and sharing it would inspire. I was writing into an unknown – the Internet was so vast to me. I was just sharing to an audience that I was not sure even existed. I was writing about myself. And I found that I was writing about so many others who were seeking friends they could trust and connect with.
I feel so humble that somehow, we come together, where no one else will listen to us. Perhaps, we do not want to share with the loved ones who are in pain also.
Here, we are anonymous to each and yet connected. we know each other. We are joined in survival.
God bless us – everyone.
Thank you so much for all your caring words, it feels so great to just know that I am not alone, that this isn’t just happening to me. There is so much I would love to say just now, but busy caring for him, I am just wanting to say how much I appreciate all that was written to me I print out every word and I will keep it next to me, that way I can read and read it over and over when I need to. Thank you again and I will continue to write to you all.
Corinne, I just changed my living situation with a man that I adore. I moved into my own place. I know I needed to move–it’s in my purpose… Even though I haven’t dealt with the death of a spouse, everything said here sounds strangely familiar. And I can’t imagine what it would be like if I couldn’t call him on the phone or share in my new adventure. I tell myself I’m not allowed to feel grief of this sort because he is still alive.
My grandfather died on my birthday 18 years ago while I was pregnant with my son. It has been interesting observing her grief process, which continues… Just the other day my grandmother (depression era) was bitterly complaining about the measly $25.62 she gets from his retirement survivor benefits. She could only complain that it’s not enough. I gave her a perspective that made her laugh (in a way I don’t hear very often), I said, “Wow! Grandma, isn’t that sweet? Grandpa is still taking you out to lunch every month…18 years later. Where is he taking you this month?”
It seems to me that all the advice given in times of mourning are to appease the advice giver and not the mourner. Putting the mourner in the awkward situation of caring for the needs of the advice giver. How unsympathetic, but very human… One just “never knows” what it is like until we go through it ourselves. Let us remember that when we are on the other end.
I recently heard of a Jewish tradition (forgive me…I don’t know how accurate this is) in which there is a specific way to approach a mourner. You are allowed to visit and cry with the mourner. You can sit and listen, but do not be the first one to speak. Never be the one to bring up the devastating circumstance, don’t talk about or ask questions, just listen.
Dear Julie:
I am Corinne’s sister and a survivor. Although my husband died of cancer years ago, your letter and all of the others brought back so many sad and sorrowful thoughts and memories. I look back and wonder how did I get through his l3 month illness. I remember working hard all day taking care of him and then dropping into bed totally exhausted, and crying myself to sleep.
When I woke in the morning I would silently say, “Please God, let this be a nightmare and not reality.”
After he died, my six children, brother and sisters surrounded me with their support and love. It did help but it takes time – your own timetable. My sister, Corinne stayed with me for a while and then my son, Stephen who was between jobs stayed for a month. It was such a help but I really didn’t start to grieve until I was totally alone. I found out that you just have to sit in the pain. I did discover that you have to take care of yourself and try to forgive others who avoid you or say the wrong thing. They just don’t know what to say or how to help you. They mean well. I used to say to myself – ‘you have two choices – sink into a deep depression or get up and get out and do something.’ So I did do something.
I did seek psychological help for 8 months. This was crucial to my recovery and I also joined a church bereavement group. The first year was the hardest. My birthday was the first and then of course his and then the holidays.
Eventually I started looking into doing volunteer work. The best therapy (which just fell into my lap)of all was serving as a juror on a homicide case. I was instrumental in persuading the hold-out jurors that it was self-defense and she was found innocent.
There are no easy answers. It was the most difficult time of my life. I so understand what you are all going through. I know the pain that you are experiencing. But I did survive.
I never thought I could be happy again but am now in a loving relationship with a man who lost his wife three years ago.
I am still in love with my husband and wish he was with me but I would not want him to live and suffer one more minute. He is in a peaceful place now and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and the love we shared.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. My arms are around you. Love, June
Twitter: miraclady
December 4, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Dear CK =
Thanks for contributing to the discussion.
The break up of a long relationship is like a death in a way. The big difference is that it never seems so final.
There is always the faint hope that things may work out later.
In some ways, then, it is harder. My condolences to you.
Loved the grandmother story. Funny – I get a small pension from a company where my husband worked for a short time. $94.73 a month. I am now going to think about it differently. It is my walking around money to spend on lunches and frivolous stuff! Thanks for that!
A special gift from him. It seems more important now.
Twitter: miraclady
December 4, 2008 at 2:14 pm
My dearest Juniebug -
How generous of you to comfort our sisters here.
They should know that you are my very best friend and someone I admire for always somehow making lemonade out of the lemons of life.
And what a big part you played in that murder trial in convincing the male jurors that serious abuse justified their deciding her innocense.
I always thought of it as you had lost a life with your husband’s death and saved a mother and her children to live.
I believe that you were divinely chosen to be on that jury.
The other important point you made is that love never dies – even if you find another person to love.
It is unlimited and eternal.
Dear Julie,
I do meditations to quiet myself and calm myself down. I still deal with the pain still. I breathe in thru my nose, hold my breath, visualizing healing lights (pink & purple) going thru my body. I face my pain head on. I surround it with my love. Then, I breathe out the negative energy and the grey matters slowly thru my mouth. I draw in the golden and white lights from God to me, surrounding me. I do that three to five times, until I feel better. It has help. Crying helps heal. Let it flow thru you, embracing it. Do not run from it. I hope oneday, that the saddness and pain will leave. Only the deep love, the warmth, the closeness with your husband’s spirit will remain.
I will hold you and your husband in the light.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
It has been a year for me since I lost my husband. I’m just noticing that thoughts and memories of him, that not long ago made me burst into tears, are occasionally accompanied by a smile.
Dear June:
Your words inspire me so, I am encouraged and hopeful. I have 3 young boys at home with me, ages 11, 14, and 15 months old baby. I get scared alot that my youngest will never know his Dad. That is very hard, I try to just go day by day but when I see them together I cry! My older children are of my first marriage so they aren’t losing there Dad but they really love there step Dad and I know it will be hard on them also. The one thing that is helping me more than anything so far is that I pray continuously, I find that if I am not that I let myself get really down. Some days, I think that maybe it isn’t as bad as they say and he will get better, but I know that is just wishful thinking. But all my life I have struggled with bad relationships and I finally have the perfect one and I keep saying its not fair and all that, then I have to bring byself back to God, he will always be there when there is noone else. I feel that the Love of God with keep the love of my husband alive and with me always
I wrote this not long after my long-time companion died in 1987. Louise Bove
A Definition Of Loss
She noticed the smallest losses first,
After death took him swiftly from her sight.
She would never again hear him whistle,
As he came up the stairs at night.
Familiar footsteps, the smell of tobacco,
The opening and closing of doors not heard
When one is alone. The rustle of papers,
The clink of ice in a glass. Absurd
The thoughts that came into her mind.
That which defines a person’s absence
May be as simple as mold on the marmalade,
A single toothbrush over the sink, evidence
In little things. Time enough in the silent din,
For whatever has begun, to begin.
Hello Everyone,
Yes, It is true that God is the one to hold onto. God does not go away and disappear. He has been in my life since I was a little girl. He loved me, walked with me and carried me at times thru my lifetime. It is my deep faith in God, that I do believe everything will even out and I will be OK again oneday.
It takes alot of courage. It seems that it would be easier to give up, but my spirit does not want to give up. I hold onto my faith.
God bless.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
December 5, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Hello all -
I love the interaction between all of us here.
What a wonderful community has formed. Keep talking to each other. You can be completely anonynmous and say things here that you cannot share with your loved ones who are also suffering.
Louise, you are a talented poet. Don’t let that strength go.
That is a beautiful and touching poem.
Hello everyone in this wonderful support group!!!
This has help me alot to know I can speak to others about things. It has been ten months. I am moving and downsizing. I look at his hairbrush, his toothbrush, his pocket watch, etc. I will put them lovingly into a drawer. I tell him that we are moving.
I will begin a butterfly garden again at my new place. My husband was so thrilled with the caterpillars and the butterflies.
He was so happy about the colorful finches coming to the birdfeeders.
It was all about the small innocent things that made our life together so wonderful.
Mary (MLB)
Hello,
I burst out crying this morning. I am supposed to be strong and brave. I am supposed to carry on.
I have this void. I know it is not easy. It will take time.
All I can say is “Darn It”……
Mary
Dear Julie:
You are very strong and you are doing all the right things given the circumstances. I am sure you are a wonderful mother and caregiver.
You are so right to look to God for support and encouragement. He will never let you down. I pray that you will continue to be comforted by your faith. Stay in touch.
Love and prayers, June
Hi Corinne,
I just woke up from a dream. I know what the fear is. Being alone. I am packing and downsizing. My husband and I shared in the decision makings together. He was technical. I am intuitive with other ways. Having to make a decision about Cable, Saterllite Dish or Converter boxes sent me into a whirlwind. Just the thought of breaking down and setting my computer, fax machine, the scanner, etc., is sending me into a panic. I will have to label each wire, draw maps, diagrams, etc.!!!! This is just a little humor. I am waiting for a friend to come back from vacation, so I can ask him to help me with these things.
That is what I miss, the sharing, the laughter, etc.
Mary (MLB)
I’m sorry it took me a while to get here.
MLB and Julie–I lost my husband and became a widow on October 2007. I was only 39 years old and we were robbed of the next 30 year we planned on spending together. He died a horrible death from cancer. My two children are robbed of their father and my youngest doesn’t even remember him. She was only 1 1/2.
I know just how you feel. I am tired of making every decision on my own, of having to take care of everything. Corinne found me not long after my husband died and the advice she gives is excellent.
Over a year later it is still painful, but not as bad.
Widows are not supposed to be young. They are supposed to be old, at least that’s how we’ve always seen it, yet here we are.
There are more of us than I ever thought possible. It’s not a club I wanted to be in, but here we are.
I found comfort in friends, families and even strangers, like the people on this blog and those who visited my blog.
One thing that has really helped is that I got very involved in a charity, one that deals with research for pancreatic cancer (it’s what my husband died from). It gave me a cause, something to make me believe his death wasn’t in vain.
Julie–my youngest does not truly remember her father, but I have created scrapbooks for both my children all about their father.
I also felt much better when I was told by a friend of Marcia Wallace’s (yes, the sarcastic secretary from the Bob Newhart Show), that her son has grown up around all the wonderful and loving stories of his father, despite his young age when he died. That is the best we can do.
I also take my children to a child psychologist. I realized that the death of their father was something that I needed professional help to get them through and it has helped enormously.
Sandi
Thank you so much for your story. Every one on here has made things for me alot better, it will never be alright but now when things get bad I try and put my mind into what I can do to make things better for my children and their future.
The scrapbook idea is something that I really like, and I think that I will get started as soon as possible, it is always good to have something to throw yourself into.
I know that I have a lot of hurtache to come and I am not ready but I guess no one ever is. I try to enjoy whats left of our time, and then I do all I can do to keep from crying, it takes it all out of me. Thanks for listening.
Dreams last even when they are gone,
hearts are broken everyday,
try to tell myself it’ll all be alright,
I say things do happen for a reason,
I just wish they didn’t happen like this!
Twitter: miraclady
December 8, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Dearest all of you -
I feel so humbled by your interaction with each other.
This article has become a support to many. Something I never anticipated.
Sandi – you were so important. Most of us are older widows. We needed your voice. Thank you.
Please keep communicating. Because this is so anonymous, we are free to express ourselves.
I send my love and healing to all of you – and to all of us.
Hello everyone,
This is the hardest thing to go thru. I told myself that I would not wish this upon anyone else. The separations of everything. The commitments together. Two people becoming one. The morning after my husband left, I got up. I stood up and found myself leaning to my left. I was wondering why I felt lop-sided. Then,…I realized that my husband was gone….
All our dreams went scattering into the heavens…The future was gone..I had to find myself again. I had to reformat and reprogram myself. I found pieces of myself, that I had forgotten. It is only normal,because making commitments together, we compromise part of ourselves.
Oneday, this past summer, just going to the market and cooking for myself, I got excited. It was about eating a certain way. My husband did not eat anything crunchy, triangular or blue!!! I use to laugh…he ate healthy with me.
Yes, doing charity work helps abit. Giving of oneself, extending myself out of my own skin…But I have to pay attention to my own feelings, also. Try as I have, I cannot run away…from myself.
Moving will help. Setting up a new surrounding. Meeting new people and making new people helps. Pieces of my ownself will return and I can become whole again.I will not be all in pieces.
Hopefully, the saddness will lessen oneday. Hopefully, I will find myself laughing more…I woke up this morning and thought we should have a laughter day and just being silly. I am going to suggest it at my Sacred Circle.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Julie–
I am not artsy or creative, but hospice helped me set up the scrapbook. Contact them. They offer so many services that you and your children can utilize.
Sandi
My fiancé passed away quite suddenly six weeks before our wedding day from a ruptured aorta, the same thing that killed actor John Ritter. In fact, John Ritter passed away two weeks before my Roger and I clearly remember the day it happened. Roger came home from work and stood in the doorway of the room where I was watching a news program announcing the actor’s death, in total shock. I remember Roger saying what a shame it was for such a talented man to lose his life so early. Little did we know that Roger would also be dead in 14 days. Our wedding invitations were sitting on the desk in our shared office in the home we had just bought together. We had decided to go through the guest list one more time that weekend before mailing them. We had both been married before but neither of us had ever found true love or happiness. We were both middle-aged, and it had taken us decades to find this precious, precious love. We had such profound respect for the happiness we had discovered together, and we were filled with such hopes and dreams, despite our ages. We had been friends first for many, many years when fate decided to put us together as a couple. We could not have been happier if we had tried.
The day Roger died was just like any other normal weekday. I kissed him goodbye that morning. We both went to our respective jobs. That evening, I came home and was just starting dinner when the phone rang. It was a California Highway patrol officer notifying me that Roger had pulled his van over to the side of the freeway, and had apparently suffered a heart attack. The young officer was patrolling that particular stretch of highway and had found him clutching his chest, nearly incoherent except for the words “Call Debbie.” The officer had found my phone number in Roger’s wallet. Paramedics had already taken him to a nearby emergency room. Could I have a friend drive me to the hospital? Within the next 48 hours, Roger was dead.
I’m writing this to give encouragement to those women (and men) who are suffering from the death of a loved one. If you had told me at the time that I would get past this horrible tragedy and survive it, I wouldn’t have believed you. If you had told me happiness was still in my future, I would have told you that you were crazy, that it was never going to happen for me, that lightening never struck twice. I would have said that the love of my life was now dead and my chance for happiness had died the day he did. I would have predicted that the years ahead would be filled with loneliness and longing for a man I could never have. Boy, how wrong could I get! I’m here to tell you that there is happiness at the end of the nightmare, despite your circumstances. You see, I am now gloriously happy, married to the most wonderful man, who coincidently started out as a friend and whom I’ve known for 20 years. All the old clichés are true. When one door closes, somewhere else a window opens! Never give up on your happiness. You deserve to be happy and you will be happy again. You are never given more than you can handle. This horrible time in your life will pass and you will find happiness again. You just have to believe! I’m living proof that all things are possible.
Twitter: miraclady
December 16, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Dear Deborah -
How nice to hear a real fairy tale! We need them.
I loved this part. We are going to hold on to it for dear life!
“I’m here to tell you that there is happiness at the end of the nightmare, despite your circumstances. You see, I am now gloriously happy, married to the most wonderful man, who coincidently started out as a friend and who I’ve known for 20 years. All the old clichés are true. When one door closes, somewhere else a window opens!”
Thanks for sharing your story.
You are right. We deserve to be happy and in my experience, it has happened to me.
Not with a new man. With a new me.
Hi Corinne,
We all live in dreams. It is if we allow it to happen. I like what you said about being “a new me”! When things happens to us, we cannot ever be the same again. It is not replacing the one we lost and loved. It is about re-inventing ourselves and growing.
That is why I am simplyfing my life and downsizing. I am going to find myself again! I am “Being better than I used to be!”.
MLB
A week ago yesterday my husband died at a Hospice House. He was 69 and I am 49. We had been married only 6 years but every one of them was wonderful. My daughter called him my “laugher’. We truly enjoyed each other’s company. I feel so tired and the house is a mess. The guest book from the funeral has over 150 names signed in, most of them came back to the house afterward, and he would have thought it grand. Why am I so shocked when I knew he was dying of cancer, and I always knew he was considerably older than I? His personal effects are strewn all over his office and our bedroom in a mad effort made by me and my kids to put together a slide show for the funeral and some photo boards. Such details I never dreamed of until he actually died. And, when I look at the clock I automatically wonder if it is time for his medicine. There is so much food in this house and so many beautiful flower arrangements dying. Some of the cards got separated from the flowers and I am not sure who sent them. I think our credit card bill and water bill may be overdue. I only want to console my kids and myself. I miss him.
Twitter: miraclady
February 10, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Dear Teresa -
I know. It would not happen to us when we marry an older man. I did the same.
We had a wonderful time and traveled the world together. It was a good trade off. Not as many years but quality.
After a week, you are expecting a lot of yourself. It is hard to live in a mess but you can only do so much at this point. You are still in shock.
Try to get the mess in one room. Maybe your husband’s office. Then close the door for a month. Hire a cleaning service to help you. Then you can do the sorting a little at a time.
You do have to pay the water and credit card bills. Sorry, but push through that one burden.
When you are up to it send general thanks to everyone. Nobody expects you to describe the flowers. The funeral home usually has cards they will give you.
My thoughts are with you. Keep in touch and let us all know how you are doing. This is a community here. We know you from our own experience. And we are with you.
My husband died June 2, 2006 suddenly at home from a massive brain hemorrhage. My daughter stopped to have lunch with him and found him in the floor. What a terrible day that was and the years that have followed. We were married almost 40 years – got married at 19 and he died at 59. The aftermath is all consuming and overwhelming – so many things to take care of and that still continues to this day.
Things change and people change. We had friends but mostly we were content to be with each other. Now I am by myself except for my daughter and my grandsons. In fact, my husband did not even get to see our newest grandchild. Our daughter was going to tell us that weekend he died that we were going to be grandparents again. He would be so proud!
For the most part people do not know what to say – they think they know after such a loss but they don’t. They think you will “snap out of it” in a year or two and then “move on”. Soon it will be 3 years – I still wear my wedding rings and his ring on a chain. To this day when I look at his picture he still takes my breath away!
I’m not married yet but I didn’t even know con men existed for the sole purpose of stealing your inheritance (how is that even possible)?
It’s sick to know that some scum out there will take advantage of you during one of the most hard and best of times (depending on how you want to look at it).
Hello everybody,
It is not just the finances or inheritances, one has to watch out for. It is about people that are out there with thoughts, that since we are alone, we are hard up sexually. Sure we are still living and being human…but I have not even begun how to let go of my commitments to my husband. I cannot even imagine being unfaithful to my soulmate. How do one fight the lonliness? Being left behind…my support system with my husband. I try to carry on spiritually, that is all I can do. There are good days and bad days.
MLB
Twitter: miraclady
March 7, 2009 at 10:27 am
I remember that one too, Mary.
One of my very good friend’s husband called me to see if I was out of scotch – and could he bring some over.
I was horrified. And so embarassed for my friend who thought she was married to this devoted man!
It is hard to imagine, but consider the possibility that along the way you will meet a man who attracts you.
It may take some time. But when and if it happens, it will feel okay and natural.
Anybody else have a comment on this?
It has now been just over a month since my husband passed away. The thank you notes got written and his office is starting to get sorted. The process is very slow but I am coping and the bills are getting paid. I was however shocked when my husband’s best friend asked me to go to a concert with him. What is this? Pity, simple companionship, a date (God forbid)! I am still so grief stricken that I can hardly see straight!
Twitter: miraclady
March 8, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Dear Theresa -
There are two questions to answer here.
1. Would you enjoy the concert?
2. Why are so so damn suspicious of a person’s motivation? Did it ever occur to you that he was just being kind and thought you might like it?
Hey – everyone! Weigh in here.
Teresa,
I understood where you are coming from. I was there. It is just too soon to act and think normal. You lost your life partner. Enjoying myself, I thought I was betraying my husband. How could I laugh? I forgot how. I could not even tell a joke. My best friend took me out for a meditation, but it was no such thing. It was a gathering and the person wanted us to dance to the movement of the music. I was devastated. All, I did was cry.
It is all just too soon. It took me about 3 – 4 months, before I could kind of interact with others in a group. I found a Sacred Circle on Meetup.com for spiritual healing and meditation which meets once a week. It was a good support group. I belong to a Reiki Circle, also. It took another two to three months with hard work on myself to be here in the present. Between both the groups and my spiritual beliefs, I am here.
I stay by myself to grieve. When, I was comfortable, I went to my Circles. I was able to speak at my Sacred Circle and cry. It really helped.
I did not like the feelings of greiving controlling me, so I worked on myself. I reinvent myself, remember myself and build up a new security for myself. I moved into a new place of my own as of January 1, 2009. It has been one year and two months since my husband left. I am still grieving, but with less intensity.
When I have a hard day at work, I feel really blue. I fight with the issue of being left behind to deal with “Shit”….
Luckly, I think I am finding my purpose in life again. Since I am a Reiki I practioner, I want to take Reiki II level, then become a Reiki Master. I am in a Ministry Class, already. Between both trainings, I hope that I can work with Cancer patients to help ease the sufferings. This is the first time, everything started falling into place for me, giving me hope and a purpose. I could not even listen to anything about Cancer after my husband left. I was too angry. I will do this now with clarity to honor my husband’s spirit.
See, it took this length of time to be where I am. I will take some more time before I could think about dating and seeing someone else and being unfaithful to my husband. I spoke to my Buddhist friend about this.
He sent me a message:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers withing yourself that you have built against it.” By Rumi
That is what I will have to meditate on everyday, letting go a little at a time. At the final releasement, then love will come again with joy.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: patriciasinglet
March 8, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Theresa, maybe your husband’s best friend is missing his best friend just as much as you are. When my best friend died back in 1992, a group of us gathered around her husband who was also our friend. Spending time with the husband helped me to hold on to my best friend a little longer. He was also someone who understood how I felt because he was missing her too. We would spend hours talking and remembering the good things that she had done when she was still alive.
Don’t be suspicious unless you have reason to be. Trust your gut.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworkers last blog post..More Family Patterns of Behavior Means More Awareness
Hello Patricia,
It is grand to meet another lighworker!!!! Yes, Patricia is right. Listen to your inner self. It is speaking to you. Quiet yourself down and listen. Trust yourself.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
March 10, 2009 at 10:33 am
I AM VERY SAD TO TELL YOU THAT THIS COMMENT IS SPAM. NOT TRUE.
PLEASE DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME REPLYING.
This is a serious misuse of an important meeting place for us.
Her mistake is that she did not know my site tracks the last post of a blogger and displays it. She works for a job site.
Shame on her!
Debi McDonald
deix20@aol.com
24.193.184.205
Submitted on 2009/03/08 at 10:17pm
My husband died Feb.25,2009. I am totally overwhelmed by what I have to do that there is little time for mourning. I am bereft and have to meet these responsibilities left in my care. I am now homeless, penniless and scared beyond belief. I rail at him for leaving me, and leaving me in this situation.Above all, I miss him. All was so fast and furious. Now the silence is deafening.
I lost my husband of 8 years in 2007 and am in my mid-40s. We have a son who just turned 7. It was unexpected and sudden. I handled many things so that wasn’t a change. However we did everything together and were inseparable. I feel so lost still and have been “going through the motions” because my son and I must go on. But I do feel so empty, alone and lost. Friends and family are great but they are not a replacement – nor quite frankly do they need to hear the saddness all the time as that is a burden for them. Everyone says time will heal everything but it certainly doesn’t feel as if it has yet.
I think I understand your comment about friends and family not being a replacement and not wanting to burden them with your sadness. Though my friends were initially absolutely wonderful to me after I lost my Roger, within a few weeks, only the closest of friends were still there and really understood my loss and the sometimes constant need to talk about my overwhelming sadness. You might feel very alone in the world right now. What helped me was digging deep to try and discover things that would help me get through those horrible days. I began a journal. That relieved some of the pain. I allowed myself to cry whenever I felt like it. It releases endorphins which temporarily make you feel better. I walked my dogs twice, sometimes three times a day. I forced myself to watch my favorite comedy movies. I spent a lot of time in the library because I love books. I looked up old friends I had lost contact with. I phoned current friends – I didn’t wait for them to call me. Though I didn’t take up a lot of their time on the phone, I did unburden myself quite a bit and wasn’t afraid to let them know how raw I was feeling. I let out my feelings because instinctively I knew if I didn’t, I’d go crazy. If that meant calling three friends in a row, and letting it all out with each of them for five or ten minutes at a time, then that is what I did. I also made a promise to myself that if any of these friends ever had to go through the same kind of ordeal in the future, I would be there for them. This helped relieved the guilt I felt at dumping on them. Don’t isolate your pain and what you’re going through if you feel it would help to talk to a friend or family member and just let it all out. If they’re really a friend, they will understand. Just don’t go on and on for hours at a time, and rotate the friends you call. That way, you won’t feel you’re burdening any one of them too much and they won’t feel too overwhelmed by your pain. Time does heal you. You never forget, and you’ll have a huge scar on your heart, but you will heal. Rermember, you’re still taking baby steps away from this horrible tragedy, but with each step you take, a tiny bit of the wound is healing. Our hearts can work miracles.
Twitter: miraclady
March 12, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Dear Deborah -
WOW – are you doing all the right things for yourself!
Congratulations.
I know it is hard – especially since friends and family give you about 20 minutes to grieve and then expect you to get on with it.
I love this part of your comment.
“You never forget, and you’ll have a huge scar on your heart, but you will heal. Rermember, you’re still taking baby steps away from this horrible tragedy, but with each step you take, a tiny bit of the wound is healing. Our hearts can work miracles.”
Twitter: miraclady
March 12, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Dear Chris -
I would like to introduce you to Sandi. Her blog is
http://stduffy.blogspot.com/ It is called a Widow For One Year.
Just paste the link in your browser window or go to my blog roll at the bottom of this site and click on her name. It will bring you to her.
Sandi is also a young widow – with small children. She has much to say that will comfort you and make you feel less alone.
She weighs in here often. A wonderful and giving woman.
As you said, healing takes time. Join her journey with her.
Hello everybody,
Here is a message that one of my friends, who is a Buddhist sent to me…Hope it will help….
A Meditation on Letting Go
by Jack Kornfield
If you let go a little you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of happiness. If you let go completely you will be free.
Ajohn Choh
One of the essential tasks for living a wise life is letting go. Letting go is the path to freedom. It is only by letting go of the hopes, the fears, the pain, the past, the stories that have a hold on us that we can quiet our mind and open our heart.
We do not need to fear letting go. We can trust the courage and vulnerability of our heart to meet life as it is; we can rest kindly where we are. As we let go, the tender ground of honesty, healing, and love will carry us through the ever-changing world.
Remember, letting go does not mean losing the knowledge we have gained from the past.
The knowledge of the past stays with us. To let go is to release the images and emotions, other grudges and fears, the clinging and disappointments of the past that bind our spirit. Like emptying a cup, letting go leaves us free to receive, refreshed, sensitive, and awake.
Letting go is not the same as aversion, struggling to get rid of something. We cannot genuinely let go of what we resist. What we resist and fear secretly follows us even as we push it away. To let go of fear or trauma, we need to acknowledge just how it is. We need to feel it fully and accept that it is so. It is as it is. Letting go begins with letting be.
When we learn to let things be, they gradually lose their power; they cease to disturb us.
As we allow what is true, space comes into the body and mind; we breathe and soften and come to rest. In accepting it, we become free. Then we can ask: “Do I have to continue to replay this story? Do I have to hold on to these losses, these feelings? Is it time to let this go? The heart will know.
There is an organic cycle to letting go. We will feel it as a wisdom that knows it is time to move on, to release the past and tenderly, return to the present. When we let go we return to an honest and simple openness.
Let yourself sit comfortably and quietly. Bring a kindly attention to your body and breath. Relax. Let yourself be settled in the ground of the present.
Now bring into awareness the story, the situation, the feelings, the reactions that it is time to let go of. Name them gently (betrayal, sadness, anxiety, etc.) and allow them the space to be, to float without resistance, held in a heart of compassion. Continue to breathe. Ask yourself if it is indeed wise to release this past. Feel the benefit, the ease that will come from this letting go. Say to yourself, Let go, Let go, gently over and over.
Soften the body and heart and let any feel¬ings that arise drain out of you into the earth. Sense how the feelings can be released like water draining out of a tub. Feel the space that comes as you let go, how the heart softens and the body opens.
Now direct the mind to envision the future where this situation has been released. Sense the freedom, the innocence, and the ease that this letting go can bring. Say to yourself, Let go, several more times. Sit quietly and notice if the feelings return. Each time they return, breathe softly as if to bow to them, and say kindly, I’ve let you go.
The images and feelings may come back many times, yet as you continue to practice, they will eventually fade. Gradually the mind will come to trust the space of letting go. Gradually the heart will be easy and you will be free.
With blessings to all,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Corriene, you asked “Why are you so damn suspicious?” when I wrote about my husband’s friend asking me to a concert. Thank you. You hit the nail on the head. I am suspicious…suspicious of everything and everyone at this time. Just 7 weeks now since the love of my life left. I think that it is natural to tread softly and keep my eyes open. I don’t want to make any stupid moves right now like quit my job or fall for the first guy who comes around. Even though, I would love to be free of all my responsibilities and swim in my own sorrow or be held by a man – dreaming it was my husband. I am suspicious – but I will ease it up, simmer down, and just call it cautious. Thanks for letting me see that I am overreacting – I would hate to miss out on seeing The Boss (Bruce Springsteen).
Twitter: miraclady
March 20, 2009 at 10:50 am
Dear Teresa -
Sorry if my comment seemed a little harsh.
It has been so recent that you have lost your husband that all kinds of weird things go through your little head.
Please don’t miss “The Boss!” It will be a nice distraction for you.
Or send the invitation to me. I would love to see that concert! I hear it is a real EVENT!
I really don’t believe that you will take impulsive steps like quitting your job or latching on to any old guy who comes along. You are FAR too intelligent.
Give yourself a break. This is a very hard time.
Hello,
I just want to touch bases. This morning, a big wave of fear and saddness came over me, as I am taking steps in letting go and moving on. The reality really sinking in. A step at a time. One day at a time. It all still seems like a dream to me at times. I have my pictures, so I know the love that was between my husband and I was real.
So, I am making future plans to help Cancer patients, somehow in Honor and Remembrance of My Husband. I do not know the answers, yet, but as time goes by, it will become clearer.
Blessings,
Mary (MLB)
Twitter: miraclady
March 28, 2009 at 9:34 am
Hi Mary -
It was nice of you to come and and touch base with all of us. We are interested in how you are doing.
When you lose someone you love, there are times when it feels like it is a dream and then months and even years later, it feels like it happened yesterday.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep on keeping on.
We care about you. Keep in touch with the group.
Hello Teresa
You know your husbands friend better than we do. If you are uncomfortable doing anything, with anyone, it’s okay to say no thanks. I don’t disagree with what anyone else has said here. Every comment has value as we have all had experiences to reference. You may be wrong about his intentions, but you may also be right. I think it better to practice trusting yourself, even if you feel unsure right now. Otherwise, you may find yourself asking others to decide things for you, which many will be more than happy to do. That’s a difficult practice to reverse. Your friends, if indeed friends, will be there for you as you find your way. It won’t always be as difficult as it is right now. God bless you. Mary W
During the early phase grieving for our spouse, I am learning that we must lean on others to support our decision making process. I do not remember how I stumbled upon this support group but I appreciate everyone’s comments and feel heard as I post. I do realize that I have to trust my own feelings and rely on my gut feelings as well as the advice of friends. But there is someone else in our corner. A Supreme Force, by whatever name you give, is there for us as well. I had proof of it this week.
As I worried about if I should go to the concert with my husband’s best friend, one person I mentioned it to was my sister. She and her girlfriend had tickets too! So now all four of us are going together. That is divine. I smile, and am sure that my husband would be happy to see me have some fun.
Dear Teresa,
That is great! You will be in a goup of people that will understand and support you, if you burst out crying. And it will not feel like a date…just a group of friends together.
When, my best friend took me to an event, I burst out crying because I missed my husband and it was too soon. There was another man in the group that I met there. He understood because he lost his wife three years ago.
Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello All,
Although I don’t post a comment very often , I do check into this site, particulary on ‘bad days’ to find comfort and advice.
So please bear with me while I go ‘BLAHH”…(it’s been a hard few days..)
It is 8 1/2 months since my husband, Malcolm, died as a result of a skiing accident.My daughter, now 14, lost her father.
It seems like ‘forever’ and ‘only yesterday’ rolled in to one. At times I feel as though I have great energy,am managing well and forging a new life. And at other times, like now, I am exhausted and want to curl up in bed until everything is okay again.
Sometimes I feel as though I haven’t really accepted Malcolm’s death and that he will walk in the door and wake me from this nightmare.And at other times I will feel strong and empowered and capable of forging a new life on my own.
Lately I feel so totally exhausted and I would be interested to know about others experiences and how you coped.
Having dealt with all the immediate issues following Mal’s death while ensuring my daughter emotional well being, managing the endless phone calls and visitors, and picking up extra work to help the financial situation, I feel that I have met the needs of every one except my own.I miss not having someone to share the load with and to bounce ideas off. Malcolm was not just my husband but my business partner and I find that being totally responsible for every decision is, at times overwhelming.
I know from the outside I appear to be coping well, as people often comment on how well I am doing,but in truth I am floundering.The highlight of my day and the thing I look most forward to, is 5 o’clock when I have my first glass of wine. I begin to feel guilty at my second and am convinced I am an alcoholic by my third!
I know I need to make time for myself, but I no longer know what I want or need or where to start.
Any suggestions would be most welcomed.
Thank you for listening
Marissa
Twitter: miraclady
April 5, 2009 at 9:51 am
Dear Marissa -
Thanks for letting us know how you are getting on. We will take the bad news with the good.
My son was 17 when my husband died. This is a bad period for a teenager to lose a father. Perhaps the only difference between you and me is that my husband was ill for five years and really suffered. Especially the last six months.
I got some psychological help for my son. You might think about that. Teenagers are not too forthcoming with their feelings especially if they think it might hurt their mother.
I also look forward to a drink with the news as the end of the day. Seems to me your guilt problem is with the third glass of wine. I used to have two martinis – now I have one and a half.
you say -
“I know I need to make time for myself, but I no longer know what I want or need or where to start.”
Maybe it is not time to start yet.
Group? Will you come in on this discussion please?
Dear Corinne – I was feeling so empty tonight. I lost my beloved husband, Paul on November 28 2007. I came home and found him dead in the yard with a sudden heart attack – even though I did all I knew to do – he was already gone. He was my soul mate and just the love of my life. I miss him so badly. I am in that phase where I have a lot of empty night alone here at the house. My family live a thousand miles away and I don’t really want to move out of ‘our home’. My community is nice but very small and I just don’t know how to get out of there. NO, I’m not ready for another man in my life and I can’t even bring myself to take my husaband’s clothes out of our clothes or the drawers. I open the drawer and look at his socks and underwear and break into tears. I understand the comfort of wanting to come home and sit in ‘his’ place on the couch. There I feel safe and comfort. I hear his laughter in my head – how we loved to laugh. It’s so hard and I don’t know if I will ever get back to my own kind of normal but I have found it gets better. I wish I could come home or open the door and find him there but I know I won’t so I just keep going on. I know he loved me and I know he knew how much I loved him so that brings me some comfort but the emptiness I have when I lay down at night or come home in the evenings will never be the same. Thank you for this website.
Twitter: miraclady
April 6, 2009 at 7:51 am
Dear Deborah -
You are expecting too much too soon of yourself. It has only been a little over six months. The shock alone is paralyzing. I know that the overused “time heals” does not help right now. But it is true.
Getting rid of your husband’s personal things is hard. One way I was able to do it is to realize there are poor people out there who do not have clothes to wear. I am sure your husband would want to share his things with people who need them. But, take your time. You will do it.
Most authorities on grief say we should not make any drastic changes in our living arrangements for at least a year. It is a huge undertaking even under normal circumstances.
Eventually, you will probably find you can find more comfort near people who love you.
Keep checking in with us and let us know how you are doing.
I’m going to suggest something to the women who are still immersed in grief, and I know my suggestion is going to generate a lot of flack. So, here goes: I know from experience that the only thing that will help you mend your broken heart is to find someone new to love. Yes, I know it’s not exactly the politically correct thing to tell a woman who has lost her husband in the last six months to start dating again, but that’s exactly what you have to do. Otherwise, the alternative is being alone. If you’re used to having a partner, and especially those who have lost a loved one who was with them for years and years, the only cure for your pain is to replace your partner. A lot of widowers do it and no one bats an eye about it, but have a woman openly say she’s lonely and enjoyed being married and wants to share her life with someone, if her husband died in the last six months and everyone judges her. Why is that? I say, the heck with anyone who would judge how you live your life. The concept of wanting to be part of a couple again should be something we support, not criticize. We shouldn’t tell anyone that it’s too soon, or that you’re on the rebound, etc. The only way to have love again is to openly seek it. That’s the only way you’ll bounce back. Think about it. If you lost your dog of 14 years and within a few weeks you went to the shelter and adopted another dog, no one would judge you. No one would say, “it’s too soon.” You’d go to the shelter and adopt another dog and you’d take that dog home and care for it and enjoy it and be that much better at loving it because you had loved your old dog so much and you wouldn’t be so morose and you certainly wouldn’t focus on the dog you lost. And you wouldn’t beat yourself up and call yourself disloyal to your old dog because you found a new one. Why can’t it be the same for loving another human being? I think it’s especially important for woman who are older to actively get out there. They need to suck it up and literally force themselves to date, and to date right away. I’m not suggesting that you jump right into another marriage. I’m just saying that you need to start dating sooner than you feel is “appropriate” (whatever that means). ‘Cause if you wait until you’re 100 percent again, you’ll be waiting a long, long time. You’ll never really recover from losing your partner. You’ll never be 100 percent about losing the man you love. The only thing you’ll gain is some distance from the initial shock. Ladies, don’t wait some archaic amount of respectable time before searching for the next Mr. Right. Do it sooner than you think you should and certainly before society deems appropriate. After all, it’s a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet your next mate. Get out there! Replace that pain with new experiences. Don’t wrap yourself up in your grief. It won’t help. I’ve been to grief groups where the people went around the room stating who they lost and how long it had been and let me tell you, it was scary to find out that most of them had lost someone five or more years ago. And after spending more time with these women, I learned that none of them had moved forward a day beyond the initial lost. They were stuck. Do you want to be that person? Do you want to sit in a grief group for years or do you want to go out and have some fun and maybe meet a wonderful person who will enhance your life? It’s all about mindset, ladies. You just have to make up your mind that you’re not going to waste another moment on this planet not loving someone. You have all this love in your heart to give to someone and he or she is out there just waiting for you to meet them. Do something constructive with your life instead of immersing yourself in your pain, and waiting for some epiphany to occur, some magic light bulb moment to happen that will give you the green light or the signed permission slip saying it’s okay to get out there and find someone. It won’t happen unless you decide to make it happen. Enough with this “Oh, I’ll do it in a year or two or three, when I feel the time is right” nonsense. Left to your own defenses, most of you won’t do a darn thing except crawl into your dead partner’s chair and wallow in what might have been. Life is too short. Make the most of it while you’re still ambulatory. Meet people. Try new things. And the key is to FORCE YOURSELF! It’s times like this that you need to parent yourself a little bit. Remember when your kid didn’t want to do something that you knew would ultimately be for their own good? You pushed them. Push yourself. Take care of yourself. Focus on where you want to be in a year or two, how you want your life to be and then go for it. I did it, and I’m willing to admit that the first few times, I was sad and lonely and i just wanted to run home to the solitude of my bed and my memories. I admit I had those conversations with myself where I said that no one could ever love me the way Roger loved me. And you know what? I was right. Roger loved me in his own special way. But you KNOW what else? I met someone who loves me in his own special way. Different but just as special. Force yourself to do this like you’ve never had to force yourself to do anything else before. This is your life and your happiness you’re fighting for. Find your backbone again. Immerse yourself in life, and I promise you that you’ll find happiness again. Don’t waste another precious minute on this planet being sad when you could find something to be happy about!
Twitter: miraclady
April 8, 2009 at 10:18 am
Dear Deborah -
First, I want to thank you for taking the time to write this long and insightful message.
And yes, you will probably get a lot of flack about it. I can’t wait.
A lot of women do not do what you say – even if they would like to – for one reason. They are ashamed of what their family or friends will say.
There is one answer to that. DON’T TELL ANYBODY! Simple, yes? I have heard also women say that they are afraid of going on line to a dating site because people will find out.
I wrote an ad for a friend who had that objection and I convinced her (I even placed the ad for her) by telling her that only people who are looking go on those sites. She is presently seeing a nice widower as a result of it. Neither one of them is interested in marriage but they are enjoying a life together.
OK. So much for that. You don’t say how old you are but the very idea of “dating” is terrifying, especially if you have been married a long time. You just don’t remember how to do it anymore. And it takes some people time to adjust to that they simply are not married anymore. I have had several women like this in my life coach practice. That is one of their main problems. Somehow, they feel they are cheating on their spouses.
I think your ideas are powerful. Perhaps they will help someone out there to have the courage to get themselves out there again. If so, you have delivered a great gift.
I started dating six months after my husband died. He had been so ill that I believed I did most of my mourning for him in the five years he had suffered.
Then, I stopped for about a year. I just wasn’t ready yet. I think I had post traumatic stress disorder after one medical crisis after another. But it broke the ice.
At this point, I am not closed to another relationship – but I would probably have to trip over someone to consider it.
My life is full and enjoyable and it is nice to be able to make all my decisions without consulting another person.
I like the end of your comment the best.
“Find your backbone again. Immerse yourself in life, and I promise you that you’ll find happiness again. Don’t waste another precious minute on this planet being sad when you could find something to be happy about!”
It is possible to be happy without a partner. Obviously, it did not feel that way to you.
So – what do the rest of you in this forum have to say?????
It is my first wedding anniversary tomorrow without my husband. And next week is the first anniversary of him being gone, a whole year. Sometimes it seems like yesterday cause the hurt is so deep and feels so fresh. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t accomplish going thru another first without him but then I don’t have any choice do I? I get so tired of facing everything alone and not having him to bounce things off of or to hold me when I cry. I am still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. It seems so futile without my Mike. I was never someone who cried much and I always and Mike always thought I was so strong, but now I feel hopeless and weak. Everybody says “Oh it will get better in time” if thats the truth then why am I here a year later, still crying and still hurting.
Twitter: miraclady
April 8, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Oh, Dear Viola -
That is a terrible double header. Both things in a week. The firsts after losing someone you love are the worst.
Try to do something nice to honor your part of this wonderful marriage. Have a spa day. Take a long walk – or lunch with a trusted friend or relative.
The days will pass by. The anticipation is worse than the actual anniversaries.
It will get better in time, as you are told. But you can’t see that right now.
We’ll be thinking of you.
I was married to my first husband for 17 years when he decided that he “just didn’t want to be married any more.” The divorce shocked my system down to the core. But I did force myself to get out there to meet single men and eventually met and married Bill whom I mourn today. It could be that Bill was so sick and in pain but even though I miss him at almost every moment, the grief is not as bad as my divorce. So, even though I am a long way from being ready to date, my experience tells me that Deborah Sullivan’s ideas are not so bad. Without pushing myself beyond my comfort zone after my divorce I would not have known a truly wonderful husband.
My heart goes out to Viola, hang in there.
Hello Viola, It has been awhile, but I often think of you. I will be thinking of you tomorrow on your anniversary. I too wondered how I would survive that day. This is what I did. On our anniversary I let loved ones know I wanted to spend the day alone. I drove to the college campus where my husband and I first met and the romance began in 1976. As soon as I got there I experienced a flood of memories that I had not anticipated. Things came to mind that I hadn’t remembered in over 20 years. I thought I had made a terrible mistake. Yet, I couldn’t make myself leave. I kept my sunglasses on while the tears ran down my cheeks. I saw “US” everywhere. I stood in the spot I was standing when he first spoke to me and my heart skipped a beat. Our kids sent me text messages to see if I was alright. I took pictures of special spots around campus and sent them on my phone to them. They recognized these spots from the stories they had heard over the years. I visited all our favorite hangouts. Initially I was overwhelmed, but as the day went on, I found myself cherishing the memories and thanking God for every moment we shared. I bought him an anniversary card and placed it with a single rose on his grave. The day was a celebration of us. I pray that you will find your own way to celebrate the two of you. I hope it isn’t too tough. E-mail me if you need a shoulder. God bless you. Mary
As I am sitting here today on my anniversary crying my eyes out I miss my soulmate so much. How could it go from the best day of my life to the worst in just a short period of time. He made me so happy and laugh so much I feel like I will never be happy again. I know I have to get out of this house today its killing me. Thank you all for so much support. The people here are the oly ones that get how much it hurts.
Twitter: miraclady
April 9, 2009 at 10:59 am
Dear Viola -
You must be exhausted.
The day will be over soon. Go to bed early.
Thinking of you.
Dear Corinne and everybody,
The pain is part one of grieving. I is so sharp, it fills your whole body and soul. Close your eyes, sitting quietly. Use your imagine. Breath deeply thru your nose. Let the breath go slowly out of your lips. Keep breathing gently. Picture this that you are breathing in healing colors of pinks and purple. Let the colors go thru your whole being. Surround that pain with your deep love of life and the healing colors. Imagine white and golden lights coming down from the universe thru the crown of your head and surrounding your whole being in this beautiful light as in a sphere. This will help ease up the pain bit by bit. Everytime, you start feeling the pain, anxiety…breathe in and out, even why you are driving, working, anywhere. Taking in the breathe of life and letting out the negative energy really helps.
Although the sharpness of the pain lessens up in time, it surfaces at time.
As to pushing oneself into dating or being with someone on an intimate basis, it takes time. You have to listen to your inner self. You have to deal with the grief, the pain, the saddness…Then oneday a miracle will happen. You are free from the grieving and the deep saddness. You can start filling yourself with happiness and laughter.
It is like with everything else in life…one has to deal with it and to let it go. Rushing into things can create a bomb within yourself. Rediscover yourself…
Join in differnt spiritual groups, meditate, take quiet walks, look at the sky, the moon at night.
Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
My husband past away almost 4 weeks ago .and i’m trying to see how you deal with it .but i like what you said about people tellig you to get out there as if another man will fix everything .I feel alone but I have good friends and family but no one I know has been threw it so how will they know.
I just came across this site online & read the comments by everyone. I could relate to them esp the one by Viola. My darling hubby Mike passed from a sudden heart attack March 3rd, and I am just devastated and heartbroken. Right now I am in so much shock and pain. I know he is up in heaven but I still hurt so bad. He was the only man I ever loved (tv stars & singers don’t count) and the only man I have ever went out with more than once. I don’t think I will every believe it. I know I will never fall in love with anyone else or date anyone else ever again. He was my true love.
Since I was a homemaker and hubby was disabled for yrs due to being blind from diabetes. in order for me to have some money we are gonna rent out the house which will give me some income & I had to move in with my folks. We can’t keep my furniture & other stuff as my folks don’t have the room for it. So I had to auction it it off with auctioneers. I had to get stuff outta my house quickly cuz the contractors who are gonna fix up the house needed to have stuff outta there so they can work on it.
And my cousin’s son-in-law whose a cop and some dudes he knows are helped box up the records (music records) of mine & Mikes so I could decide what to keep and what to sell. I had to sadly watch 23 yrs of my life go by to never be seen again. I can handle losing furniture & some knicknacks as long as it wasn’t too special to me. But I had to go with my folks to take care of some stuff pertaining to Mikes passing (I can never call it death cuz I am still in shock & can’t believe it & he still seems like he is in the other room watching ballgames or either it’s all a bad nightmare). So that made me late getting to my house to label stuff as either, I keep it or it goes to relatives or it gets pitched either to either sell in the auction or get thrown out.
Well cuz I didn’t get to label stuff, the auction folks came & started grabbing stuff into boxes & I had no chance to see what went & didn’t say what to keep or not. and they came whent he folks to box the records up came, and my moms cleaning lady came at the same time. She was helping me get my clothes together. I tried all my old stuff on my stars singers etc, my clothes & jewelry, records & some of Mikes records, tapes & cd’s, my dvd’s & a few of Mikes I really liked and some personal stuff like a stereo and a boombox. I am keeping some stuff in my folks attic.
I went to my house one day & went thru the storage shed my folks got me for to put my stuff in. I didn’t have the time to go thru it all too well as it was too cold here in VA so will have to do more later. What I noticed was some of my cd’s and cassettes and dvd’s seem to be missing. If they’ve been taken to the auctioneers to be auctioned, there is probably no way to get them back. If these are gone I’ll just literally die. If I had to re-buy another copy of all of those, I don’t know how I could ever afford to re-buy all of that. Mike did something he shouldn’t have. He kept putting some of my records in with his records. I told the folks taking out the records which row in the closet was mine and warned them that some of my records were mixed in between his so they could watch out for them & save them for me. But in all the confusion stuff could’ve been easily misplaced. The dvds are not only something I love and want to watch again and again but Mike bought them for me cuz they are dvd’s of old tv shows from the 60′s & 70′s that I love & got them for me when they came out and they are special to me also cuz of that.
My mom talked to the auction people & I could go there a few days before the sale and go thru the stuff to see if any of my stuff I wanted to keep is in there. And if it was I could get it. Which is what I did. I found some of my cd’s & records but some at missing probably gone forever. I dunno where my cassettes are. Gone I guess. But as long as I have the album & cd’s of the records that’s the main thing I guess. Saved some other records of Mikes I wanted too. They had some of my cd’s & some of my records up for auction. I even found in the auction stuff some of my jewelry & had to save that. In it were some necklaces with coal in them that Mike had bought me in WV. Some family videos I had filmed on my folks video camera and some that taped off of the tv, were in with the sale stuff. They never bothered to look & see what the videos were of. So I had to grab what accidentally got put in with the auction stuff and get it back. I think what happened is they started getting stuff before I was able to say I wanted for certain dvd’s, records & cd’s to be saved. I saved some of our old 60′s & 70′s shows on dvd but couldn’t find the ones I wanted to keep bad. Sad thing the dvd’s are missing forever.
So some stuff I really wanted that meant alot to me is gone forever. I had to let go due to lack of space at my folks house some sweet little lighthouse teapots and sugar & creamer things to match them, they my hubby had gotten me for our anniversary several different yrs when I sas them at the beach & wanted them.
Now that I’m back to living with my folks again I feel as if I am a 16 yr old teenager again. Suddenly I was young & with my folks, then for 23 yrs that go interrupted for an interesting tv show I loved and now it’s back to be 16 again and with my folks. I’ll never believe he’s gone. I know he couldn’t hurt me like that. Just wouldn’t.
I not only lost my hubby, but alot of my things & life as I know it. My mom is just driving me crazy. I love her to death but she doesn’t understand when I want to do things that I want to do when I want to do them or understand why I have to talk to my hubby up in heaven. When he died I died too Prayers just said for you all. I miss Mike so much. My life is over…
Dear Cheryl,
My heart goes out to you. In reading your statement, I remember my own pain in the beginning.
I was curled up in bed. One of my girlfriends got into bed and curl up next to me, cuddling me. I thought I was going, also. I wanted to go and be with my husband. But somewhere, my spirit held on and helped me to survive the physical and emotional pains and turmoil.
Tears are running down my face as I answer you. It has been a year and three months for me. I had to work hard on myself to take control of my grief. I did not want to let it control me. My Barry would not want to see me being so devastated. He had so much respect for my strength and passions. So, I took control for my Barry. He is proud of me and smiling. He is saying that I am his Mary as he is my Barry.
There are plenty of hard days. But as each day goes by, you survive it. So, you get ready for another day. One step at a time.
As to your material things that you shared with your wonderful hubby, it will always be out there in memories. One day, you can begin to let go a little bit and a little bit more. No one can take the memories away.
With Love and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
April 25, 2009 at 4:51 pm
I think Mary gave you a lot of insight here.
The only thing I can add is to cut yourself some slack. This ia A TEERIBLE TIME.
Time must pass before you can get some clarity.
We are here for you. Keep us informed.
Dear Cheryl,
My heart also goes out to you. I read your note how you are wanting to hold on to so many little things and people other than women like the ones that visit this blog can only understand how holding on to those small things gives us some kind of security of holding on to our beloved husbands.
Don’t blame your husband for leaving – do you honestly think he would have left you knowing how it would hurt you. My situation was that right before my husband died suddenly of a heart attach I had visited a doctor. I was told that I had chronic kidney disease and the news was not good. We left the doctor’s office with a dark cloud over us and of course he thought it was me that he was going to lose. I tried to assure him that things were okay and let him know how much I loved him. I would lay awake at night pretending I was asleep and hear him crying and grieving over the thought of losing me. It was awful and then to lose him instead – I know I didn’t want to leave him and I am sure he didn’t want to leave me with what I have left to face.
I am sitting here with tears running down my face knowing your pain. I know it must be hard moving back with your parent but you have to remember that there is an adjustment period and it’s going to be hard. My mother shocked me when I called her the night my husband died and told her – after telling me I was joking she ask me when I was coming back to North Carolina. Well after her coming to visit me recently – she knows that I am home. I’m so sorry that you have to move in with your parent and losing your home. Like I said before, so many memories are tied up in the little things. I wish I were there for you to hug you and hold you. I still hurt a lot but recently I met another lady who was recently widowed in my town and I try to help her when she has those down times. She is lucky though because she has kids and family in town. I am fortunate that I have wonderful friends here but it’s not the same. I have a couple of friends that have stuck in there with me.
Just know I am thinking and praying for you. Pray and know that your husband and mine are looking down on us and still love us so much. I am sure that they miss us too.
Twitter: miraclady
April 26, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Thank you, Deborah -
Such a helpful and compassionate reply. I know it took time to write it.
It really shows how we women can help each other.
Hello.
My name is Mimi, My husband was killed in an automobile accident 3 1/2 months ago. I had been with him for 24 years. I thank God for giving me the strenght. It is so hard. I have it on my mind 24/7. It is true. You can be surrounded by people and still feel so alone. He was my hero, and he is in heaven. I am blessed for my family. They say it gets worst. I hope to God that this night mare ends,
Mimi
Twitter: miraclady
May 15, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Oh Mimi – your friends and family are giving you bad information. It is not going to get worse.
Worse is now.
I know you can’t see it but I promise it will take time but you will have a life again.
Go back and read all the comments here. It might give you just a tiny bit of hope.
Every one of us is feeling with you.
To Cheryl Harrell: Can I ask how old you are? I can’t tell from your comment above. I can’t tell if you were married for 23 years either. If your husband was your sole support and he was collecting disability for being blind, then you should talk to a disability attorney (attorneys offer free consultations) to see if that support or some other kind of support is now available to you. Also, don’t rule out Social Security as a possible source of income for you also. I assume you know how to use a computer. Have you gone on line and explored your state’s employment agency website? They might have programs available for you to enroll in to get you trained for some kind of job that will keep you busy, and eventually you’ll earn some money so you won’t feel so depend on your parents. Also, I don’t know how old your house is that you’re now renting out, or how large it is, but have you explored the possibility of eventually moving back in there and getting yourself a roommate to share expenses, provided you eventually obtain some kind of employment? There are dozens of possibilities that could and should be explored in the weeks ahead. Don’t think that every possible scenario has been thought of right now to remedy your situation now and in the weeks ahead. Even your parents and others who are advising you right now could miss something. They can’t think of everything that might help you. The rest of your life is ahead of you and if you start right now to take small steps towards exploring possibilities, you’ll ultimately feel better about yourself and benefit from your research. Don’t give up and don’t give in to the ideas and opinions of others without asking lots and lots of questions and exploring your options. It’s going to take you a while to even find out what your options are. Nothing is set in cement. It may not seem like it now, but what you’re going through now is only a temporary situation. Things will change and get better, little by little. You’ve just had a huge shock and it will take some time to get over the shock of losing your husband. I know what it’s like. One minute he’s there and suddenly he’s gone foreever. But things will get better. I promise. You need to dig deep inside yourself and find the strength to carry on and to make a new life for yourself. You can do it. You’re stronger than you think you are.
Twitter: miraclady
May 18, 2009 at 4:21 am
All I can say, Deborah is -
WOW!
The information you have given is not so available to everyone. And the advice so valuable.
Everyone will benefit in some way.
hello girls, My husband died suddenly from a heart attack while away form home on 2nd october 07.Lawrence worked abroad for along time and I think it must take longer for people to understand the shocking reality of what has happened when their loved ones don’t come home every night.I must have been in a daze for a long time. There were loads of things to do. Sorting out finance (a big worry at the time – three of our five childern were still at university and and their rents and alot of living costs had been funded by their Dad)looking after an elderly parent,finishing a house build and quickly getting back into work; which I had left to look after Mum.
I can identify with all your thoughts and feelings. Lawrence died aged 56 and was a good man in so many ways, not least for putting up with me for almost 29 years of marriage.No wonder he had a heart attack! We were on the cusp of ‘getting our lives back’ after raising a family of five children. He aimed to work from home more often and although we were never the kind of people to make meticulous plans there was a sense that there would soon be more freedom and we could begin to do stuff together.
He had a couple of stents put in after experiencing sudden onset angina 4 years before he died and basically had no problems from then on. I thought he was fixed. The thought of death never entered into my head. STUPID I know. He was a big guy, quiet with a great sense of humour, a rugby player, a dynamic man and and basically he had never been ill in his life.
My mother became much more dependant around this time and I had just started a course but had frequently to travel to help her out.Unbelievably I was more concerned about her than I was about HIM. Also I was completely caught up in me and what I could potentially achieve (thru this course)at the age of 50. You know fifty is the new forty and we must all find ourselves if it’s not too late!!!
From the point of the stents being put in he never complained (he never complained anyway) and only once made a oblique reference to his condition when he asked me to go out to his apartment for a couple of weeks to be with him, of course I didnt pick up on the message and didnt go.
It’s too late to wish that things could have been different, to sit him down and have a really good talk about our options and what we could do to pull together to make life easier for him.The stark reality was that we, no He, had too many financial commitments (they creep up on you), funding schools and universities and a mortgage and all the rest of it – though, at last, these were almost on the point of being put to bed for ever.
And that’s it. I just did not understand, until now, the incredible stresses and strains that many of our men go through to support our families and how they bravely (and I mean bravely) just get on with it without any drama or fuss.
Just before he died he sent me an email form a web site about enjoying evey day and appreciating the life that is given to us. It had some beautiful nature pictures to accompany it.
My first reaction was one of impatience (sorry girls what you must think of me!). Now I believe he knew that he would die relitavely young. I just wish we had really talked and that the last time I saw him in the railway station I had told him I loved him instead of thinking about what we were going to have for tea that fateful night.
When I feel sad I thank God for him and in some way that makes me feel better. I thank God too that we were together for nearly 29years and that I have 5 great kids and that I was lucky enough to have him as my husband because goodness knows what would have happened to me if I had’nt.And yes it takes a long time to understand and assimilate everything and to move forward though I think we all do that by getting up in the morning and attending as best we can to what the day throws at us, if we can, but there are days you just want to put everything on hold. At one point I remember feeling incredible vulnerable but that’s gone and it’s true grief changes into different things.Now I don’t like being alone for any length of time but I believe God is with us and that my darling husband is safe and free and if I dream about him he’s always a young gorgeous man. Which he was.
Thankyou for giving me the space to write this.
With love to all of you, Mairi
Mairi – my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing as your story has so many of the same aspects as my own. This is a great place to share with others. Continue to take care of yourself and pray for me as I will also keep you in my prayers. Deborah
Dear Deborah, thankyou so much for your reply and I will keep praying for you, love mairi
June 1st…4 months since Bill died. This morning I woke up almost 45 minutes late and had to rush to get to work. The day was nonstop. I came home and made dinner and was watching TV when it came to me that, for the first time since his death, I dreamed about Bill last night. I think that was why I had a hard time waking up this morning. I was with him and didn’t want to leave. He was telling me that he wasn’t dead and that he wanted to know what was going on with all his committees (he did a lot of volunteer work.) I didn’t know and had to go to all kinds of meetings to catch up. Everyone at the meetings was surprised to see me so they voted me on to the committees. Bill was pleased and wanted me to know that he would be watching the meetings through me. I didn’t want to join the committees but agreed to so that he would be with me. I want him back. 4 months seems like such a long time for him to be gone.
Hi Teresa,
I read what you wrote about your dream. I had that kind of dream, also. Barry and I were allowed to be together. We were so excited to see each other. We jumped up and down. We were hugging and kissing each other. There were three other people with my Barry. They were all talking to me. My Barry told me that his body was very sick and that was why he had to leave. Then, I woke up. I know that my Barry is always with me. Our spirits are always connected. That is why I have been taking Ministry I and II classes on the studies of all beliefs and understanding of people. This Sunday, I will be taking my Reiki II class. Thru, Barry I am learning to be a better person than I used to be. I am growing and expanding. I am so excited about all of my studies. My Barry is with me.
With Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
June 2, 2009 at 6:52 am
Dear Teresa and Mary -
I am not surprised at your vivid dreams. I believe that the spirit survives beyond the body.
And that beloved spirit still loves and cares about us.
I have talked to several well known psychics about this. They say it is difficult for them to come through to us so that is why it happens so often in a dream.
You now have your personal angel in Heaven.
He wants you to go on with your life as soon as you can but will always be with you.
Dear All
It is exactly 5 months since my dear husband passed away, due to a sudden heart attack at the age of 39. He had no signs of sickness. I miss him so so so much to this day. I am pulling through because of my two kids aged 5 and 10. I am crying uncontrollably at this moment while writing. There are times when I feel like quitting. Don’t want to live any longer. I am so guilty that I did not take enough time to say how much I care and love him. I feel that I did not do enough for him. May god bless you all.
Dear Zulaifa,
It will be a year and five months since my Barry went away. I went thru the stage that I could have said and done more. But, guess what!
Your husband do know. His spirit knows. His physical body is not here, but his spirit is. Because of his and your love, communications still exists thru dreams and instincts.
Because of your two children, you are surviving and continuing on. I had to take myself out of my own skin. I take care of 160 senior citizens. That keeps me going. I cannot let them down.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dearest Zulafa,
My heart aches after reading your note and recalling the pain I felt when my husband died of a sudden heart attack 2 years and four months ago. I was told his work was finished on this earth … and based on this thought , may I take the liberty to share with you this and another thought ….that God knew you were capable of raising your children in a new family structure . They are the personalities they will be …the product of mom and dad . You are all in such pain .it is so new .
Please be kind to yourself . Find people and places that nourish your souls and spirits … alone and together . Your husband must have been a very special man ! I also believe our husbands have more power above to help us and our families move forward in this life . We have experienced this ! They know we love them and how much we miss them every day.
My 80 year old mom told me after my dad died : Life will never be the same with out dad , but must go on. She did for 7 more years and is my inspiration to do same . I now look forward to living many more years and pray you continue to reach out , take good care of yourself , love those children and let them love you !
God Bless !
Millie
Dearest Mary and Millie
It was so healing to read your messages. Thank you so much.
May God bless!
Zulaifa
I am so glad to find this blog…it is hard to find someone to talk that can be objective and non-judgmental about what I have been feeling. My husband Norman dies on June 10 2009. It was a sudden death and my 15 year old daughter found him at home. I feel stuck and in shock. I have been running around like crazy. I know that there is business that needs to be taken care of, but I cannot move forward. Reading the responses of others has been very helpful. I know that I am not alone in this process.
Twitter: miraclady
July 20, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Dear Jo Anne -
We are glad to have you here. Keep coming back and keep us up to date. And when you are ready, share with others.
Your poor young daughter. What a terrible shock. Love and prayers to both of you.
You are not alone here. We are thinking of you.
Hi everybody,
My best friend is planning on moving out of state to be closer to his son. I do not want to be rattling by myself without anyone to share and speak to. I am doing one of the hardest thing that I have ever done. I am crying and my little doggie is licking the tears off of my face. I am trying to move on. My Barry knew and saw who I am. He would not want me to not continue on living. I am breathing.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Mary
Take courage. You and Millie gave me immense strength when you wrote the note to me. I know the pain never dies, but remember god is with us, and our husbands are with us. We are not alone. Tomorrow it will be 6 months since my husband has passed away, I am terribly, terribly missing him. Take care!
Hi Mary
Take courage. You and Millie gave me immense strength when you wrote the note to me. I know the pain never dies, but remember god is with us, and our husbands are with us. We are not alone. It will be 6 months on July 25 since my husband has passed away, I am terribly, terribly missing him. Take care!
I wish I could give everyone a hug and get a few hugs myself. Next week will have been our 27th wedding anniversary. I was a widow at 50, but I feel 100. I often have to remind myself to breath. At first I looked for my husband everywhere, even in dresser drawers. Of course, I knew I wouldn’t find him there, but I had emotions that I just didn’t know what to do with. I was nearly hysterical.
Time does have a way of teaching us how to function, but happiness eludes me. I suspect I have many years ahead of me. One day perhaps I will be grateful for that. Our children need me and I will enjoy our grandchildren one day.
God bless each and every one of you. We will be alright, never the same, but alright. Perhaps we will even find happiness again. Love, Mary W
Thanks for the support ya’ll. It is so hard cuz I miss my darling Mike so much. He was the one true love of my life & I don’t think I could ever love or date anyone again. I could never find anyone like him. I am going to a local grief support group here now that I found out about. It’s good to know there are others out there going thru what I am going thru. I love him so much.
I can’t collect social security yet cuz I am only 48 & they claim my diabetes isn’t enough to collect. Bummer. I talk to Mike everyday up in heaven & wave hi to him. I love you Mike. My heart goes out to you all…
Hi Cheryl
I visit this site very often. I feel very lonely after my husband’s death 6 months ago, although I have two kids. I feel for you. (((Hugs))). I hope you will get to work out your social security. Take care All… Thank you Corrine for this site.
Tanks fo the support. I visited his grave yesteray as I do every Sunday after church and it hurt so bad. I want him back and now. He was my baby…
Hi everybody,
I had signed myself on a dating internet because my best friend was talking about moving out of state. I felt the abandonment and loss again. I was listening to my head, reasoning and logic, but not my heart. All I did was cried. But, I think that I might have made a friend on the internet. I still have to get thru my grieving process. Who knows how long it will take, but my friend respects me and understand.
I do not think that it will ever go away, but it will fade a bit and be kind. My best friend respect that. He respects me.
MLB
Dear Cheryl,
I’m so sorry. Perhaps you feel like a bird with a broken wing. It’s hard to know how to function when half of you is missing. I talk to my husband all the time. I believe he is near me. I believe your Mike is near you too. Just take one day at a time and move at your own pace. I’m sure our husbands would be broken hearted to see our pain. Don’t worry, you will, in your own time, smile when you think of some of the things he did or said. These things may make you cry now. The change will not be because you are forgetting, so try not to be afraid of that. You will never forget, but God will help you find a way through it that isn’t so painful. Bless you. Mary
Twitter: miraclady
July 27, 2009 at 11:47 am
To all of my friends who contribute to this forum – and I consider you friends because we have traveled the same road. It binds us together.
I am in awe of what has happened here from a personal article I wrote quite some time ago.
It makes me feel that perhaps this is the reason that God lead me to start this blog.
I continue to write on many subjects but this one is the ONE that gives me the most satisfaction.
Perhaps because I have gone through all the painful steps I hear from you.
Please continue to come back over and over. There is comfort and support here.
Everyone of you is in my thoughts and prayers. And I am so proud of your courage and willingness to help each other.
I have no clue if I am doing this correctley since computer is a bit of a challenge. This is a test. If ok, I will continue.
I typed a book and then received the message the page could not be displayed. Have no energy to retype all now. I would so much love to have a back and forth e-mail communication with someone or a phone conversation. If it is possible, I would be happy to give my phone and e-mail to you.
My husband passed away March 5, 2009, of emphysema and pneumonia. I am bouncing off the walls and nothing seems to be helping.
I am new to this process and to computers somewhat. Can somebody please help me?
Try typing it in a Microsoft Word or Wordpad document first then copying it,you can save it to your computer if you like) and then inserting in here by hitting ctrl and v at the same time. Then if your post doesn’t go thru what you’ve written isn’t lost and you can try copying in a post again. I feel for ya losing your hubby. Mine passed on March 3rd from a heart attack & I still can’t believe it & still hurt. Somehow I just know he is gonna come back to me cuz I know he would never purposely hurt me this much. I love you Mike…
I try everyday to be alright. One step at a time. It has been a year and seven months, since my husband passed away. The pain is still there. I miss him so much. I feel like I am living in a time warp at times. I get spacey at times. I had moved to a smaller place since the beginning of the year. Like today, I was trying to pay for my phone and internet services on line with the telephone company on the internet, but I could not get into the site. I called the telephone company. I thought that I forgot the user name and password. I discovered that I had been paying the bill online, but I was told that I have been paying it on the telephone. They walked me through the process to register.
I finally realized why I was so confused. My husband was the one paying the telephone and internet services online! I feel so wack out for sure. It is very hard to have my heart and my mind adjust. Part of me is still living in another time zone with my husband.
Mary (MLB)
Thank you Cheryl: My husband passed March 5, 2009 from Emphysema and Pneumonia while in a V.A. Hospital. It seems to me he experienced most of the steps in the grieving process while still alive. Whenever we talked about one of us passing before the other, he would always, without exception, say he was ok and I would go before him. This was he denial. The Emphysema issue was known to me for 23 yrs. of our marriage, and I didn’t find out until he was in the hospital that he was diagnosed with the disease while still in the Navy. That was approximately 46 years ago. We married in 1965, and really never knew what Emphysema was. During the last ten years, he was on oxygen day and night and wherever we went. He was./is the most beautiful human being God ever made. I give thanks every day for being so fortunate to have him as my husband. He was/is unconditionally loving, patient, kind, honest and loyal. During the last few weeks, he tried to let me know in several ways that the time was near. I had purchased a gold cross for him and one day, he took it off. I asked why and he said he didn’t want to wear it anymore. If he wanted to wear something it would be sterling. Another day, he said, I’m so happy we talked to a councellor about where you stand if I pass before you. It was then that we found out about monthly pay we had never heard of. What a blessing it is too. Then he said, now I can rest and quit worrying because I know you will be taken care of. A few weeks before his passing, I told him I need to get a camcorder. I had no idea why, I just needed to get one. We did. A few days later when my son came for a visit. While he was visiting, he showed me how to work the cam. and get the pictures onto the computer. After my son went home, my husband said to me, I’m glad you have the pictures. Now, you’ll have them when you need them. I look at these instances as acceptance. While in the hospital, my husband became angry (which he never did) because the food was bland. There were other little instances as well. He was on a cath. and while in the restroom, he pulled it out while still inflated. When he got back to his room, it took two men to take him down and tie him to the bed. Oddly enough, before all this and before I had to drive home ( I have night blindness), I said I love you Daddy and instead of saying I love you too Mama (which he always did), he just said I love you too. As I was leaving, I turned and went back into the room and again I saw that odd, determined look on his face and again, he said the same thing to me. At 10:30 that night, the doctor called me and said there was a crisis. After conversing with him and stating my husband did not want to be on life support, I was told if the lungs could get a rest from using the ventilator, it could give him more time. I told the doctor to ask my husband if he wanted it. The answer was yes and he spent six day on it. During that time, he was very restless, constantly tried to fight the nurses and tried to pull all of the things off that were attached. Finally the day came and the doctor removed the tube. A nurse came in to give my husband, Larry is his name, a breathing exercise and he fought it. I stepped in and asked her what part of the body language did she not understand. She said she had to make him comfortable. I said, as him. He said NO. Then he said let me die. He turned to me and said Mama, I can’t take anymore. Let me go.. I said I will my Darling. I will not go into the fight with that doctor that I had to endure, but make no mistake, if you get my attention, you will definitely have something to handle. Larry was taken off the vent. at 1:30 p.m. and taken over to he hospice ward at 6:30 p.m. He passed at 11:20 p.m. During the entire time he kept whispering I love you to me as if he wanted to make sure it was the last thing I ever heard him say. I did the same. Larry was/is my heart. I have only lived in this area for 21/2 years. I don’t know anybody because Larry and I lived, moved and had our being in each other. He ALWAYS drove the car and as a result, I have had to relearn driving skills and about all the gadgets on the car. I have absolutely not direction sense so do not go anywhere. I have no friends in the area and the only family is my son who lives in another state. I would love to converse with someone by computer or phone. I would be happy to give my e-mail or phone # if asked. Thanks for reading this long history.
I just stumbled across this site by accident. I couldn’t even tell you how I got to it, but here I am. My fantastic husband of 43-years, Don, died at home with me (from pancreatic cancer) last year, June 23, 2008, and I’m slowly accepting the fact that he isn’t coming back in this life. We fought the disease together for over two years, and had several good months together. We were even able to do some traveling and visiting friends together, which is something he loved to do.
Like you, Terre, I did everything with my husband, and he took care of me. As a result, it has been an up-hill struggle to live without him. Through constant prayer I have been given the the strength to endure, even though at times I wonder why I even want to endure. I have faith that the life after this life, with our Lord, and now with Don, will be far superior to this life, so I am looking forward to that time. However, my faith also tells me that our Lord has left me here for a purpose. Thus, I continue to endure.
As you can probably guess from what I’ve written, I have no desire to have another man in my life. With the Lord’s help, I am now learning to center my life on Him, becoming independent from others. Not easy to do, but ‘all things are possible with God!’
If anyone reading this would like to learn more about our journey, you can find it at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/donpeyton.
Jeanine
Thank you Jeanine for your wonderful words of wisdom. I still wear my wedding rings because I believe I am still married to my sweet Larry. Any chances will be blocked because the rings are still on my hand. Today is fair, however, every day seems to be filled with tears and sadness. If it is true it may take two years, I feel like saying, stop this planet and let me off. I simply don’t know what to do with myself, but I do much praying (in my belief it is called decreeing) and it helps a lot. I know I’m not alone. I know Larry is with me. It’s just that I can’t see him, I can’t hear him and I can’t touch him. These are all human limitations and I am decreeing constantly for my ‘Mighty I AM Presence’ to give me the strength of the light to conquer this.
I’m glad you found my words to be wise, Terre. I, too, still wear my wedding rings, and plan to the rest of my life… Lord willing. I look to the Bible for guidance and in it Paul writes that, in his opinion, a widow is happier if she does not remarry. From the context, it appears that he is talking primarily about older widows (like I am, at age 63.) While I believe that remaining devoted to my husband is best for me, the same may not be true for other widows, particularly younger widows. The Bible does not prohibit a widow from remarrying, so it appears to be one of the many things that is left up to individual situations. For me, I always considered myself married to Don for eternity, not just for this life. The Bible makes it clear that we who believe WILL have a relationship with our spouse in the next life, but it will be different, and better!
Enjoying the Bible related comments. I too plan to never remarry. Mike was the one true love of my life and the only boyfriend I ever had. I still wear my wedding rings and will never quit. He is till my hubby. The only difference is he is in heaven & I am here on earth lonely without him…
Mary, I know what you mean about feeling like you are living in “another time zone” with your husband. I feel like I’m in different dimension than the rest of the world; something between the ‘normal’ life that everyone else seems to be in, and the spiritual life I will eventually have with my husband.
Cheryl, I hear you about the loneliness! I’ve learned to combat loneliness through prayer and the Holy Spirit. Whenever I start feeling that awful aching emptiness I try to pray for the Holy Spirit to fill the void and pull me back from the slippery slope of depression. I do a lot of praying…. and it helps tremendously. Sometimes it takes me awhile to make myself begin to pray because the loneliness is overwhelming, but it always helps when I finally do. God has given us tools to use to help us through times like these, but it is up to us to use them.
Twitter: miraclady
August 20, 2009 at 7:47 am
Hi Terre – and all of the group -
Glad you got the hang of commenting. It’s really easy and we all forgive typos if they happen!
The important thing here is the sharing and the fact there is no judgment here. No one knows you personally so you can say whatever you like – and everyone does.
The very act of communication is consolation.
I agree that prayer is very healing. Someone once told me all you have to say in a prayer is
HELP!
That is a prayer I say often!
Hi everybody,
I took my weddings rings back to the jeweler that made them. They have the Anhk symbol on them for eternal life. From watching Cold Case one day, I got the idea to make a dream catcher with them. It took some work for the jeweler. He had four gold feathers made. Each feather had stones; my husband’s birth stone, my birth stone, his healing stone and a stone of white for pureness and for protection. The jewelrer weaved gold wires each rings, then attached the rings together, hanging together. My smaller ring was on top with two feathers on each side–his birth stone and my birth stone. His bigger ring hun off from my ring with his healing stone and stone of pureness and protection. Well, I wear my dream catcher on a chain around my neck. I have our weddings rings with me all the time. So many people thought it was so beautiful and a wonderful idea. We are united together forever. Our dreams are still there. I carry on the dreams.
Peace to everybody,
Mary (MLB)
I just lost my husband on July 1, 2009, almost 2 months ago. He was in a coma for 3 weeks before that. He was 39 and died from a stroke in his brain stem. We have a 3 year old son. I have no idea how to go on. I try, I really do. I know that I have to for my son. I just don’t know how. My husband was my everything. My best friend, my lover my life. We did everything together and after so many awful men before him, he was a breath of fresh air. I was never suppsed to be able to have children and he gave me a son. He had other children from previous relationships so I knew he would be a fabulous daddy…he was. He was a stay at home daddy to our son and my heart bleeds for our son who has also lost his best friend. My social circle was his circle and now it seems all akward. During the week, I manage as work was somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be. I still live in the same house as it was “our” house and the only home my son has ever known. Finances are hard as I have less income and now have to pay for daycare. I miss everything…every minute a memory pops into my head. It is still so shockling, he still feels so very alive and like he will walk through that door any minute. I spent the first 3 weeks trying to undo this evil. I have made deals with God, vowed to time travel when invented and finally dreamt of him this week. All of this has done no good, of course. I have his pictures plastered all over the house and his clothes still in his closet. His shoes are still by the door and his every possession right where he left it. I can’t bear to move it. It is getting harder and harder to imagine him here and I CAN’T STAND IT!! I wish I knew what I did to deserve such pain, it is so unfair to my son. We were so proud that my son was so confident and secure because he had both parents. Now he doesn’t. I bear so much guilt. I feel like I should have urged him to see a doctor and all of this could have been avoided. He had high blood pressure and we didn’t know he was diabetic. There were signs now that I look back. I feel like I should have been there for his final breath, I feel like I should have done more. Like I let him down. Someone told me in the those 3 weeks at the hospital, that my devotion to Lawrence would pay off. But it didn’t I LOST HIM!!!! I wish I could be a better mother to my son right now. I cry so much, I try not to. He is handling this all so well. But I hate that he even has to at all. I am so angry.
Dear Paula,
I feel the same way at times. The guilt that I could have done more. I should have foreseen more. I wish that I kissed my husband more. More, more, more….but where does that get us. You have a son, that is an extention of your husband. Love your son. You are very lucky.
After my husband passed away, I went to call him up on his cellphone so that I could listen to his wonderful voice. Do you know how I felt, when I discovered that he changed it to an automatic voicemail? I do not know why he did that. Was that to protect me? Was he watching out for me because he knew he was leaving? All I have left is my DVD of our wedding ceremony. We wrote our own vows.
Cherish your son, Paula. Trust your spirituality and instincts.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Paula: I too have almost the same things going on that you have expressed. I am, however, much older and have only one son who is too far away and busy. I have no friends in this area and no hobbies or job. It leaves much time to cry, reflect and get totally lost in emotions. I adopted a dog that is so loving, patient, small and adorable, yet I find I can’t relate to her. I don’t know if I made a mistake in getting her. She was raised by a homeless man who lived out of his car. I have only had her a short while and need time to let all this settle in. I did spend much time in the hospital with my husband and talked to him a lot. I kissed him a lot and was with him during his final breath. Sometimes, such as today, I was hit with the vision of seeing him on a ventillator for the first time. He looked like a dummy doll being jerked back and forth by the maching. I screamed and folded up on the floor. When that memory hits me, I still lose it. I want to touch him, see him, talk to him. I feel so lost when I see the empty chair or bed or when I walk anywhere and my hand is no longer in his. Those big strong, beautiful hands. God, how I miss them. I found a cassett tape in a closet that he made for me five years ago. In it he started from the beginning of our marriage 44 years ago and up to the present. I will cherish it. I have made several copies of it just in case. Paula, I am told constantly it will get better, but I have no idea when or if I believe it. Love and blessings to you.
I just found this sight. my husband of fifty year just died july 15, i feel like i have died also, I don t know what to do, he did every thing for me, i am so lost if it wasn t for Jesus, I would be crazy
Thanks Ladies
I wonder, is it possible to develope e-mails back and forth with anyone who has gone thru the same things I have? I keep checking and reading the e-mails on this site but would so love to develop an e-mail buddy. Terre
My husband died June 7th of this year. We had been married 46 years. He had been ill for many years with many medical problems. He was the light of my life. We enjoyed so many things together, and pretty much pushed family and friends out of our lives, just because we wanted to be together alone. We each knew that was a mistake, because one day one of us would be alone with no one there for them. Well, I’m the one alone, and though family and friends have been wonderful, they now think I’m over my husbands death, and have gone back to their own lives. It is very lonely, but most of all it is the sense of being totally lost with him. Before my days were just filled with so much to do, for him, the house, the animals, my job. Now there doesn’t seem to be a reason to get out of bed. They tell me with time things will get better, after three months of crying and feeling so lost, it is hard to believe time will heal me. I feel like he took my heart with him.
Will it ever stop hurting?
Ruth
Hi Ruth: I know exactly how you feel. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought I wrote your comment. My husband and I did the same thing. We lived for each other and as a result, I too am now the one left behind. I have the birds and the dog, but I would give anything to be with my sweet love. I didn’t say I wish he was here because in all honesty, I am greatful he is not. He suffered through so many problems, and to wish he was here would be only thinking of me and not of him. I have been told by so many people that time heals and I wish I could never hear that again because it has been six months since my darling passed, but it seems like yesterday. I wish I didn’t have to get up in the morning. Perhaps it is a blessing there other little friends in the house who make it very obvious it is time to eat. I have thought of finding a home for them, but I know it would be a mistake right now. I feel so lonely and I know exactly how you feel. I hear people say after three for four months they have had dreams about their husbands, but I have not. At least, if I have, I don’t recall them. I want to be with him. I feel like I would like to get in the car and drive in one direction and never come back. But, my husband loved this house (we moved here a couple of years ago) and to leave it would feel like leaving him. Selling the house would feel the same and the economy makes it an impossible situation right now. I would give anything to have somebody to talk to but I don’t. I have gone to a couple of bereavment meetings. The first was a disaster and they almost had to call 911 for me. The second, I was feeling pretty good but others were not. As a result, it seemed to pull me down in the dumps. So, I rattle around in the house trying to stay busy. Thank God, there is the computer and the phone. Now, if someone would just contact me.
Terre, Hi , thank you for writing. I could have written everything you wrote. I have a Cocketeil, and three boston terriers, and if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t get out of bed.
My husband had so many things wrong with him, and the last five years I was his caretaker. I would wake up in the morning with so many things to do, and now, there’s nothing urgent that needs to be done. The hours just drag on no matter how busy I try to stay. I am just so totally lost without him, everywhere I look I see something he built me, or something we talked about doing, he is just everywhere. Like you say with the economy the way it is and the price of our house being cut in half, it would not be a good time to sell, and where would I want to go, when every inch of this house is the way it is because whatever I asked him to do he did it. He custom made over the house to what I wanted, how can you let go of that?
I wish the phone would ring to, but at the same time I like being alone to cry when I need to without boring people with my sadness.
Thank you for writing.
Ruth
I can so relate to what ya’ll are saying. I still have guilt that I didn’t do enough to keep my hubby from passing when he had the heart attack. But I was so shocked & scared when it happened & did not think it was a heart attack. I want him back so bad. Now that I had to move back in with my folks it seems as if he was just a good dream & the dream has now ended and he never really existed but in my dreams. It’s like I was young & living with my folkls, and then for 20 some yrs I had a nice dream about being married to someone named Mike and now the dream is over & I am back with my folks. I will never get over this. I may seem okay when I go ou t in public but I am hurting inside & am in so much shock. I will never ever believe he is gone. I love you Mike.
I feel for those who have no friends & family in their area. Thank God I have family & friends…
Terre, I completely understand your feelings. My Roger passed away in September of 2003. He and I had know each other for over 20 years, first as friends and then as closer friends, then lovers, and finally one day we looked at each other and realized we belonged together. He was taken from me six weeks before our wedding day and I can honestly say I loved that man with every fiber of my being. When he died, I thought that my life was over. I truly believed that I would never be happy again, and that no one would ever know me or love me the way Roger did. It is now 2009 and as I go through life I sometimes still feel that something is missing. That something is actually someone, but he’s gone and I’m left here on Earth to enjoy my life, our dog, our mutual friends, and all the places that I still visit that we enjoyed together. I still catch myself wanting to tell him about something that happened to me during the day, something he could relate to or would get a kick out of hearing about, but then I realize quickly that there’s no way to contact him. I can’t just pick up the phone and reach him on his cell. There are no fiber optic lines linking us with heaven and the people we have lost. God, how I wish there were! Even though I am deliriously happily remarried to my husband Brian, (whom I’ve also known for over 20 years) occasionally I still ache for Roger. I wouldn’t ever want to leave Brian but a small but very strong part of my heart still feels frustration that Roger isn’t alive. Maybe it’s guilt. Why am alive enjoying life and he didn’t get to? I think I now know it’s because I feel he was taken from this life prematurely – that he didn’t get his chance to grow old, he didn’t get to experience more of everything that life has to offer. He was cheated out of becoming a wise and venerable old man and for this, I feel very sad. I told my closest girlfriend the other day that if by some miracle, my Roger were to come knocking on my door today and told me it was all a horrible hoax and that he wasn’t really dead, that he left me because he saw a terrible crime and had to go into the witness protection program, I know with completely certainty that I would be extremely happy that he was still alive, but I wouldn’t go back to him or to the life we had. You see, I know now that I’ve moved on to where I’m supposed to be. If you had asked me a few years ago if I would have said the same thing, I know I wouldn’t have. But now I do know that although time hasn’t completely healed me, because I will always love Roger and always miss him, I know I’ve moved away from the past and live my life almost completely in the present now, or as close to the present as is possible to live when you lose one of the deepest loves of your life. Just as I know I would grieve horribly if I were to abruptly lose my husband, Brian, I also know I love him as deeply as I loved Roger, maybe not the same way, but with the same amount of intensity and love. Just as Roger and I “fit” well together, Brian and I do too. It’s a bit different, but just as satisfying and I’m exactly where I need to be to experience this phase of my life. I don’t want to say that things happen for a reason because I know most of you aren’t ready to hear that right now, but trust me when I do say that the passing of time does help you get some perspective on life and why loved ones move in and out of it. If I didn’t have Brian and I were all alone, I might be singing a different tune, but what this tells me is this: There are some people (probably mostly the women can relate to this) that need to be in a relationship, need to be with a man (or a woman) because life is just that much richer and sweeter when it’s shared with someone you love and someone who loves you. So, don’t look at the time you spend right after you lose your loved one as a jail sentence and think of it as a never ending torture. The torture will end. It will mellow with time into a tender ache and a fine appreciation for the time you did have together, and hopefully it will also cause you to appreciate that next really special someone who comes along and falls deeply in love with you. Just keep your heart open to life and to love.
Hi everybody,
I have been thinking about things. I worried that I would forget, that my husband meant so much to me. I know that my husband and I are different now in this time and space. I stated that in my spiritual circles. We are not the same, now. Even, if we both got back together in this lifetime, it would be so different. We both moved on. I do not know why we were separated, but I do know why we shared a life together, no matter how short or long it is. Yes, I am lonely. I missed having someone to be intimate with. I hope that oneday, I will be open enough to let someone else come into my life on this earthy plane. It is about the love that we carry within each one of us.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
September 9, 2009 at 9:51 am
Dear Friends -
I don’t comment too often because you all help each other.
But I have a couple of suggestions.
Many of you mention that you have no one to talk to. I remember that. It seems that we are given about six weeks and people tell us to “get on with your life.”
What life?
I have written a couple of articles about calling a crisis line. I worked on one. You do not have to call only if you are suicidal. I remember talking to people for an hour who were just lonely or depressed.
You don’t have to identify yourself.
Will you try it when you are feeling so blue? These people will listen to you and not tell you it is time to get it together.
The other suggestion is to get Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life. She even has a movie you can download very reasonably. Or buy the DVD.
See if you click on the link below. You can see the trailer for the movie. I just watched it and I felt it really helped.
WATCH THE TRAILER
I think about you all the time and I read every one of your comments.
I was cruising around on the Internet, and found this site, because like you, I am now (and how I shudder to even write the words) a widow, and need to just hear(read) other widows, as I know none at all. My husband passed away suddenly at home, at age 40, on August 23 this year, from sudden cardiac death. We’ve been married 15 years, and have a precious 12-year-old daughter. My friends and family have been great. My husband’s family thinks I should have been able to save my husband. Well, as a veteran cardiac nurse, without a crash cart, a code team, and a cath lab on-site, there is little point in debating sudden cardiac death, to say the least. I know they are just grieving and will get over it, because we love each other and have always gotten along very well. They’re just wierd, uneducated, and non-medical. What I want to say is for new widows like me who find this site in their search for a way to function. It was inspired by Paula, whose message, incidentally, was posted on the very day my husband died in my arms: Get up, organize your day, and do what needs to be done before noon, because for me, after lunch I am exhausted from emotion and from trying to do “the right things”, when I don’t often even know what they are. Get sleep. I can’t sleep at all since that horrible day, so as a nurse, I also know that without sleep, this trip is going to be a lot rougher and less healthy than it could otherwise be. So today, I bit the bullet, swallowed my pride, and fessed up to my doc that I’m a wreck. Well, now I have something that I don’t want to take, but I know that when I do, I’ll at least get the physical rest I so desperately need. Next, make your best friend (other than your husband, of course) or mom or someone come over and go through all the bills, his checkbook, everything, so you can make a list of what needs paying when, and how you’re going to be able (or not) to do it. We also wrote on the calendar (and scheduled appointments with the businesses) for the whole year when improtant but routine things are due (taxes, oil changes, dental visits, hair cuts, annual physicals, and such) so that what supports life will not fall to the wayside and make things even harder. If you have no family or friends, call the county or the Red Cross. They will help you. Of note, I’m no life-insurance lucky one — he had 5,000 and that’s all. Companies he (or you) do business with will work with you, don’t be afraid to call them on it, and don’t wait. This activity in business has it’s benefits — it keeps you busy. Finally, get a buddy list, 8 or 9 people (even neighbors — I would never have believed how giving people who know you only a little can be, and some great friendships have sprung up as a result) you can call who live within 30 minutes of you who can and will be there for you when you just can’t, can’t, can’t go on. I know you’ve all been in those moments, and I’ll bet a lot of you still are. I still am, and without my list, I would not have/will not yet be able to survive. I cry like hell a lot, and find I do much better when I don’t fight it. I still have everything of my husband’s, right where he left it, and I know that eventually, when I’m ready (some day, I’ll know it when it gets here) I’ll selectively choose what to keep and what to not keep. I just picked up his cremains yesterday — I am actually relieved and happy to have him back, even if it’s not in the ideal form. Let your friends be there for you, even though we know they don’t really understand and their words are really not helpful. Be with at least one of them, even if only briefly, each day, to get out of the house and do something normal when you’re in this state of absolute abnormality. Human contact is helpful, and that interaction will keep you going, even if your heart isn’t in it. Go through objects and photos that are dear to you, listen to that music you both loved that now makes you almost scream with grief, laugh at that dorky hairdo he had back in the eighties, whatever. Smell his dirty socks and still threaten to burn them, even. He can hear you, believe me! These things hurt but will also help heal you in time. This list is equally true for kids, as I’m finding out with our girl. She loves going through his things together, just one or two, once in a while, as we remember what it was about this or that that he loved or we loved or we all hated. How I wish someone could have told me these things! I wanted a manual, a book of all the rules, the explanations, expectations, and how-to’s, but had none, and I didn’t want to try to follow the path of another person who is not me. This is the list that evolved naturally and explicitly out of necessity. When I’m ready, I’ll take the next step, whatever that may be, and this philosophy (plus a lot of late night calls to my list of angels!) has served me well. I hope that another new widow finds this helpful. It’s Hell, but there is redemption in Hell if you can survive it, I am finding out. And don’t worry: I don’t think any of us will ever forget our beloved, even if some day down the line someone else cares enough to become important to us. Well, you ladies are all strong, and give me strength by knowing you’re out there and surviving. I hope everyone like us has someone like us — it’s such a lonely road.
Twitter: miraclady
September 11, 2009 at 11:07 am
Dear Erin -
How sad that your husband’s family does not understand the limitations of even an experienced nurse. You did not have a hospital there.
Hopefully, they are good people and are just grieving the best way they can.
I am grateful you found us. There is support here. Please bookmark the site and keep coming back.
Some of the women have gone beyond the initial shock and will help you. And eventually, you will pay back by helping others.
But not now. It is too new.
Our prayers and love go out to you now.
No advice. Just that. Getting through one day at a time.
Dear Erin,
My heart breaks for you and your daughter as this wound is so fresh. It is so hard when your husband is only 40. My husband 40th birthday was 45 days after he passed. We celebrated in a way he would have loved. All of his friends and family gathered for a BBQ and we all reminisced about him. For the first time ever 4 of his children were all together. I took pictures. I know that he was smiling down from heaven that day. It is so hard for the children. I know that my heart just breaks for my son. Know that children don’t greive immediately like we do, they delay their greif and then begin. My son is only 3 and it is a guessing game as far as what he is really feeling inside. He is very articulate so that helps. I just feel like he was so robbed of this wonderful man!! I am so scared that he will forget him. I am scared that I will forget things. I play every memory I can think of over and over again. I even try to see if for a moment can I fool myself into thinking he is still here and not hurt for 2 seconds. Sometimes it works and then reality slaps me in the face. I tackle every day tasks pretty well now. Luckily I handled them when he was here and was more of the one who took care of him. That was what I liked to do, take care of him and now I can’t. I have to focus on taking care of my son and hope that he can see it and feel gratification that way. I hate not knowing if he is okay for sure. I still have everything right where he left it too. I won’t lie, the shock is still there 2 1/2 months later. It is getting harder and harder to imagine him in the house and that is killing me. I don’t want that, I want to imagine him there, and remember what it was like to share our home with him. I feel like screaming!!!!!! Sometimes I do, when I am in the car alone and no one can hear….because we have to keep it together, right? Everything is such a bitter sweet….My son started his very first day of preschool and while I was so proud and happy, I was deeply sad. My son didn’t get to share this with his best friend……his daddy!!! He has been at school a week now and I hope that my sweet Lawrence can see his beautiful son!!!!!!!!!
my husband died in an accident two weeks ago he left behind two little girls 2 and 6 and the hardest thing i ever had to do was not hearing someone throw my door open and say he was dead but to tell those two little girls their daddy wasn’t coming home. he was an amazing father and i can’t even imagine how this is all going to work out. i’m still in shock and wonder when i’ll wake up from this nightmare. family and friends mean well but at the end of the day it was i who laid next to him and now he’s gone…just glad to see there is something like this
Dear Erin
My Husband I married in 1990 passed away August 9, 2009 at Age 49 leaving behind my 9 year old daughter and I. We had just returned from a 10 day road trip and had a great vacation traveling the US. He was not sick, he was not out of shape, he was taking not medication, he had no health complaints other than achy bones. He was very active on our vacation and went on all of the roller coasters, waterparks and never a complaint. He was eating well and appeared fine. Two weeks later I awoke out of a sound sleep at 4 AM to hear loud noises like he was having a nightmare (loud moaning sounds) and I ran downstairs to wake him up. He often had these nightmares and we used to joke about what he was dreaming about but he could never remember. He was laying on the couch with the dog watching TV ( as he often did on the weekends). Well I noticed when he would not wake up after I gently shook him, and then I noticed his eyes were open! I immediatelly felt his head and he was burning up, his moans stopped and his body was paralyzed. I dialed 911 and told them I thought he had a stroke, they arrived 7 minutes later. They tried CPR and the heart shock equipment as he stopped breathing shortly after they arrived. I screamed and I terrified my 9 year old daughter . They took him away in the ambulance. I followed with my Sister but he was pronounced Dead on arrival. I now realize I had watched him die and wonder if he even knew I was there? He was alive and looking into my eyes but could not move. He had nothing in the toxicology (caffeine) and only a slightly enlarged heart on the autopsy I had done. His Death certificate read Cardiac Dsyrhytmia as the cause for death. I have to remind myself to breath and I am having panic attacks that I have never had before. Is Cardia Dsyrhythmia Sudden cardiac death? I saw no warning signs and it all happened so fast I wonder if there is anything I could have done? No one understands. They tell me healthy people like Steven just don’t “die”. Well he did, I watched it and my heart is broken. I hurt so badly but my daighter gets very upset when I get upset. What hurst the most is Steven wanted to live he loved us and wanted to see his little princess grow up. This is so hard he was the love of my life and now he is gone- I never got the chance to say goodbye. He has such great plans for the future and now we must go on without him. Oh how we hurt. I think maybe someone on this site will understand the pain? Never able to grieve or say goodbye. I guess people do just die and I witnessed it all and can’t get the replay out of my head. I am haunted by it and do not know if the pain will ever go away?
Denise, Erin, Sharon as well as other new widows have such heartbreaking postings. I pray for peace in all of your hearts. While my own story of becoming a widow is not as sudden, I have been in mourning and a depression for the past 7 months since my husband died. Bill was 69 (lived a full life) and suffered from cancer for 8 months so we had time to say goodbye. But the pain of his final departure was still sharp. What I have to say here is that although it does not get all better, with each passing day the pain subsides a bit. Some days are harder than others and sometimes I can get momentarily struck with grief that takes my breath away. I know I will never forget him or fall out of love with him but my life is slowly moving on. Change takes time. Be good to yourself.
Hello, all. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Reading your words helps me feel less alone, and I’m sure it does the same for others. By the time I graduated from high school in 1963 I had decided I probably wouldn’t meet the kind of guy I’d want to marry, and then God brought my Don into my life just a few months later. We married in 1965 and had 43 fantastic years and two great children together before God took Don from me via pancreatic cancer. It was a roller coaster ride during the two years he was ill, and the ride has continued since he died. Depending on what is happening, some days are fairly decent, other days are horrendous. My over-riding desire is to be with Don….. preferably with him here is this existence. If that isn’t possible, I am ready to go be with him in the spiritual existence. I don’t mean to suggest that I am suicidal……. but life lost it’s purpose and meaning when Don died. I’ve been his wife for two-thirds of my life on this earth, and look forward to an eternity with him. What happens between now and then is totally up to God. Sometimes it will be good, like having my son and his wife live with me for the past two week as they waited for their new house to get ready. Other times won’t be so good, like feeling the grief of Don’s absence anew when they left today. It’s like he just died again.
A roller coaster — that’s exactly it. You have a good day, then a horrible night or a good moment, then it all comes crashing back down upon you. The in-laws can’t take a hint or worse, take offense, when you just can’t bear to hear one more word or see one more face. They want everything done their way, now that their loved one is gone, even though it’s not what he wanted, so you just try to weather it, hoping it will all blow over, subside, or just plain go away. You have no right to be happy in some people’s eyes, and you can’t hang on to your grief in others. Why can’t anyone understand? Why is it so hard to believe that a man’s wife knew what her husband wanted? What in God’s name compels people who signed formal documents to suddenly believe, in their grief, that the document wasn’t what they thought it was, even though at the time, you knew they knew (talking advanced guideline directives as a witness to the person’s wishes)? Why would some people insist on being present when they are not invited and not wanted? Why does there have to be that person in every family who thinks that the loved one would have and could have been saved? Why can’t some people see that it is all a widow can do to get through even just one minute at a time of her hellish days, without having to carry all these additional burdens as above placed upon her by those who supposedly loved her husband, and her, until now, almost a month after he is gone? I am not a slave, I am not a puppet, and I am not going to betray my husband or his last wishes! Why won’t they believe me? Why do I even care? They aren’t my family, and they’re killing me over a man they didn’t understand as well as they thought! All I do is work and try to survive, I don’t go anywhere or do anything without having to fully account for my whereabouts and who is with my daughter. I am a prisoner of their grief, and they need help, and all they want is to control anyone else they can — my husband knew it, and always could put them off and subtly talk them out of it, but he’s not here anymore. They need grief counselling (they never would, believing that doctors are suspicious liars and counselling is for crazy people), and I need conflict resolution training! I am just venting, and I apologize. What I really mean to say is: Help! I need advice on how to handle my bickering, dysfunctional, hateful, ignorant, egocentric in-laws!!!
Denise, you sound like you’re being given the disbelief punishment, as I call it, too. And yes, sudden cardiac death is sudden, with no warning, usually in otherwise very healthy people, aged 35 and older, even some younger athletes, is extremely fast, and 99.999% irreversible, even in an inpatient hospital setting. I aked for advice. Watch for the replies, I hope they help you, too.
Reading the posts makes me so glad my inlaws passed before Mike & I married. I can relate to how Denise is feeling. I never had time to say goodbye like those do with a cancer patient. My darling Mike went so quick of the heart attack & I still can’t believe he is gone. If I did I’d probably have a nervous breakdown. I miss him so much. He was my friend & I enjoyed doing things with him, It all seems like he was a beautiful dream for 26 yrs & now the dream is ended and I am back to life with my parents…
I lost my huband 7 weeks ago suddenly i have been with him since i was 13 years old, i cant remeber my lif without him in it i have a beautiful daughter and son plus 4 grandchildren, Derek was 56 when he died and i am 53, and i love every one very much, but i miss derek so much i cant bear each day and i just want to go with him, now matter how hard everyone is trying i just want to go, so i sympathise with you all every one said how strong i was when i my self beat cancer with 6 months of chemo and radiotherapy, but dont feel so strong now, feel like i have been cut in half
good luck to you all
pam
It’s been almost 15 months since my fantastic husband of 43 years, Don, went to be with our Lord after battling pancreatic cancer for 27 months. I, too, just want to go be with my husband. With constant prayer I am able function fairly well from day to day, but the longing to be with Don is always with me, despite having two married children (and their families) who are wonderfully supportive of me. I continue to wear my wedding ring set as my declaration to the world that I am still married to Don, and I look forward to rejoining him whenever our Lord brings me home. Meanwhile, I am waiting on the Lord for direction and purpose in this life.
Thanks you everyone for your posts (especially Erin). Now that Steve has been gone 43 days from Sudden Cardiac Death I am really starting to miss him more. I must have been in shock the first 30 days and now I’m just plain heartbroken- I fell empty. I would give anything for just one more day, hour, minute …so I could at least say Goodbye. He I know wanted to live and had no idea he was going to die so young- he had not planned for this. I know God does not make mistakes, he does not take the hand of those he loves too early, or too late, but he takes there hand according to his plan. So I have to trust his plan but it comes with so much pain. The photo’s, cologne, clothing, voice recordings, cell phone, check his emails – I grasp whatever I can to just feel like he is here with me. Sometimes I think I am torturing myself more than I need to.
I have to ask this: My in laws (who insisted people just “don’t die”) all of a sudden want to be an active part of my 9 year old daughters and my life. Why now? They were never close to us for the 20 + years when my husband was alive? I can tell you my husband would have LOVED his family to be closer, to spend more time with US, to plan and do things together when he was ALIVE. They were not a close family (like my side of the family is) and so I just accepted it. So why now they want to be close? Am I supposed to change to accomodate them? It just bothers me that they are calling to do things all of the time now that he is GONE. It makes me mad that they did not offer to do things when their brother/son was still alive. Is this a normal feeling? I am accomodating all of these requests for the sake of my 9 year old, but I can’t help but feel angry inside that why did they not do these things when he was alive? I know this would be so rude but I really want to ask them this!!! Thanks to every one for your help I check in weekly:-)
Dear Denise,
My husband and his mother were the same way, the had a very strained relationship. Heck, it wasn’t strained, why am I sugar coating….it was awful!! She was so mean to him his entire life and I can’t help but feel like she added to his depression and stress and somehow contributed to his blood pressure and stroke, causing his death. She is a hateful woman who has never had anything nice to say about her son. She never really knew him, he was an amazing man. He was fueled by strength and grace. He looked like Mr. Universe, yet he would hold me and cry at a chick flick. I was always so proud to be his lady! He was an amazing father who loved his children with everything he had in him, they were his life. Yet his mother hated him. He never met his father, she would never tell him who he was and I can’t help but think that she hated him because of something his father did, I don’t know. I have tried to understand for so long. All of a sudden after his death she is heart sick and acts like she is waiting to die. She had 2 strokes almost a year ago and obviously survived, I wonder does she feel guilt that she did, does she feel guilt because of how she treated him? A part of me hopes so, even though I know that isn’t right to feel that way. We have a 3 year old son and I would never let her make him feel the way she made Lawrence feel. I have made that vow to him. I think they finally realize that they have lost someone whose presence they have taken for granted and suddenly there are time limits. Your daughter and yourself are their only connection to your husband now. Hopefully they have learned from their mistakes and I am sure that your husband would love for his daughter to have what he wasn’t able to. My mother and I had a very hard relationship, but she is the greatest grandmother!!! We always want better for our children than we had! My husband passed 2 1/2 months ago and I swear you read my heart when you explained how you grab every little piece you can. The very shirt he wore the last day he was with us, I cherrish, it is hanging on our stair banister where he left it. His shoes are still by the door, his fishing vest hanging by the door. All of his clothes, hats, and shoes are right where he left them. His colognes and deodorant, all still there. I smell them every day, I never want to forget his smell. I have voicemails of him telling me he loves me and DVD’s of him alive. I try to stand in the very same spots as I remember him standing in various memories hoping that some strange force from parallel universes will allow me a glance at him (sounds craazy hu) I too grab every little piece. I sleep in his clothes, his underwear and drive only his truck now. Is it torture, I don’t think so. I have never loved anyone like I loved my sweet Lawrence, other than my son, Lawrence Jr.
I am a fighter, it’s one of the qualities he always said he loved about me. I can’t give up that easy, I am fighting to hold on. God made Lawrence for me and this may sound crazy, but Lawrence and I are not done. This is just one chapter and I have waited too long to find him to believe it is over. Lawrence is waiting for me and we will spend eternity when it is my time. I am only 37, I know it will probably be a while. But I waited 30 years to find him, I will wait to be with him again, especially if it is for eternity. I swear I have felt his presence so many times in this house. I talk to him constantly and finally started dreaming about him.
Paula,
You words resonate with me: “God made Lawrence for me and this may sound crazy, but Lawrence and I are not done. This is just one chapter and I have waited too long to find him to believe it is over. Lawrence is waiting for me and we will spend eternity when it is my time.” I feel the exact same way about my Don. I also have had the same thoughts about a “parallel universe.” You aren’t crazy, and neither am I. Perhaps not all women are created to stay true to their men through eternity, not just this life on earth….. but I believe that is my calling. Seems like it is yours, too, based on what you wrote. My prayers are with you.
Twitter: miraclady
September 21, 2009 at 11:34 am
Hi All Of You -
I am in complete agreement. The spirit never dies. We will all be reunited with our loved ones some day.
However, it does not excuse us from living the life WE have been given to the best of our ability.
There is a reason we are still here. I try never to forget that.
Sometimes, it is hard.
Paula
Thanks for letting me know someone else feels the same way so I guess my actions are not unique. While today was a very bad day your posting helped me. I have had several panic attacks today so I have to go to the Doctor tomorrow. I have to get help to get through this for the sake of my 9 year old. I have never had panic attacks before, anxiety YES, but not a total loss of control. My heart starts racing, chest pain and I feel like I am going to die or pass out- I had to pull the car over! I think I have severe depression and now I am getting afraid to leave the house that it will happen again. I now know what panic attacks are and will be more compassionate and understanding to people who have them. I know I will come out of this stronger, but I have a feeling my life has changed forever, I will never be the happy person I was, but I need to function so I have to get some help from a doctor. I will check back in when I am doing better!
Denise,
I am proud of you!!!! It takes great strength to admit when we need help. We, as women, like to think we are above help or “should be” able to handle anything. We are nurturing beings, not the ones who need to be nurtured. Ha!!! That is so not true. That is what was so amazing about Lawrence, he knew when I needed a little TLC, he also knew I would never ask. We put so much pressure on ourselves. More than anyone else does. I start counseling myself on Wednesday….day after tomorrow. I am so looking forward to it. I am feeling very inadequate as a mother because I am having such a hard time, I don’t feel like I am being there for me son like he needs me to be. Everyone says I am doing an amazing job, but I always feel like I could do better. This is the hardest thing I am sure that any of us have ever dealt with. Do you know that 4 1/2 years ago Lawrence and I were both jobless and living in our car for 4 months. That was a breeze compared to this. I would gladly sleep in that little escort again, if I could do it by his side. I have been feeling really scared lately, this week has been the hardest so far, harder than even in the beginning and I don’t understand why. I am so scared to face this life alone! Lawrence and I did everything together, I drew my strength from him. I knew that no one or no thing could ever hurt me, he would protect me to his death!! Who knows maybe he did. But now, I am vulnerable, weak and scared and feel very out of control!! Please let us know how it goes at the Doctor, I will pray for you…for all of us!!!! It does feel a little better knowing I am not alone!!! Thank you all for all of your words and support. I look forward to finding an email in my inbox every day!!!
I am so glad I found this site.
Reading what everyone is going through helps me know
that I am not alone.
When my Richard died, I thought I would die, I wanted to, the loss has been so overwhelming.
Years ago I had panic attacks, so I know how devastating they are, I had mine before doctors really knew how to treat it. Now they have medicine that will help you get through them, and then when the time is right for you, you slowly start to wean yourself off the medication.
With all the stress I’m in right now, I’m hoping the panic attacks do not start up again, it would just be to much on top of my grief.
I read up on everything I can find out about grief, and the information is good, but it hasn’t stopped the tear. Some days I don’t even get out of bed except to feed the dogs. I really am trying, but it seems to be a losing battle. Hopefully in time, some day I will smile again, or even feel again. I’m just so lost.
Ruth
Why do I feel like Mike never existed but was just a good dream I had for 25 yrs. I think it’d cuz I had to move in back with my folks cuz I couldn’t afford to live alone being a homemaker. Plus my best friend who set me up on a blind date with Mike & we’ve been friends since we were kids– I go & do stuff with her yo have fun & get my mind off of things. And that adds to me feeling as if he was just a good dream cuz I am suddenly back to how I was when I was a teenager. And eve tho is just a beautiful dream I had for 26 yrs, I still miss him so much & hurt over him. If I ever begin to fully believe he is gone I will probably have a nervous breakdown. I noticed some folks are needing someone to talk to, I am here for ya…
He was so beautiful…
I have been reading all your comments and we are all so alike in many ways i had had my Derek from the age of 13 to me now 53 so we had 40 beautiful years. it kills me i didnt get he chance to say goodbye he wa in hospital with a chest infection in a normal ward on antibiotics i saw him before work and he looked ok, luckily we always kissed and said i love you, because i didnt see him again. i was going back to the hospital after work at 4,0 clock but apparently Derek took a bad turn at 1.45 and they couldnt fit him into intensive care while they were deciding what to do with him he died at 3.15, BUT they never rang me i was literally 5 minutes away at work, and the hospital apolagised to me but i cant live with the fact i could not be there with him when he needed me after all these years, i just got a phone call to tell me had died…i raced to the hospital and lay with him a while but i still feel i dont believe it, i could scream i want him back so bad i know we had 4o fantastic years but i wanted to grow old with him. I suround myself with as much of him as possible, and the panic attacks just keep coming i can be driving and all of a sudden i think my god he is never coming back……i dont want to leave the house either its all just to hard….i thought i was strong but so many of you seem to be finding strength from somewhere i am seeing a councellor tomorrow so i hope it helps it does help to know you are not alone as sometimes you feel like you are the only one in the world that could feel this way and why is everyone else just going on
thanks everyone.
Speaking of panic attacks, I had my first panic attack while my Don was still alive, but it happened after he had started chemotherapy and radiation for his pancreatic cancer. He had always done most of the driving when we were together because I have never liked to drive and he didn’t mind it. However, when he started taking heavy duty pain medication, I had to do all the driving. One day we were in heavy traffic in Portland, OR, and Don was trying to help me navigate. I felt a surge of panic that I had never felt before, and haven’t felt since. If it weren’t for having Don with me to calm me down, I may have had a terrible accident. I’m thankful that I can now avoid big-city driving because I wouldn’t want to experience a repeat of the panic attack, but without Don’s calming influence, and cause an accident that could injure or kill someone else.
I don’t like this life without Don!
I am back from the Doctor and I know this isn’t the long term answer, but I have an antidepresant/anxiety medicine I start today and take every day in addition to Xanax for panick attacks. The goal is to stop or cut down taking Xanax after the other drug takes over (but it takes a few weeks). The doctor would like this medicine to end in one year or less but he said everyone is different, Also counseling I will need to begin and I have to also arrange this for my 9 year old who has now realized after 45 days her Daddy is not coming back. I have to be normal for her I know I was only making things worse for her. So as of today I have not had a panic attack but I have had a few strong waves of tears and heartache, but not like I am going to die, so I guess that is good. I was always against drugs, thinking they only mask the pain and make matters worse, but now I have no choice because I literally can’t function without them. I love to read everyones posts to know that I am not alone. I feel so bad for everyone because we have such pain. I feel guilt now that I did not see any signs, did not make him go to the doctor, that maybe I could have done something to prevent this? If only I had gotten up in the middle of the night and checked on him, they could have maybe gotten here sooner and saved him? Imissed my daughters 4th grade open house at school last night and now I feel guilty about that. I also feel mad that everyone just gets back to their life so quickly and I can’t. I am mad at the paramedics and doctors that they did not do enough to save him. I am mad at the dog for not waking me up that there was a problem. I am mad seeing old people together knowing I have no one to grow old with. I know they say it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I would not have my 9 year old and all of these wonderful memories so I have to accept this as true. I am praying for everyone on this site and for the first time in a long time I am praying for myself that in time I can let go of the anger, sadness and guilt. I miss him so much it is not getting easier..it is getting harder. I hope everyone keeps in touch and maybe together we can help eachother with the grieving process and that in time we will heal and be able to have some happiness in our lives. I know we will never be the same, but perhaps the pain can lessen?
To Denise: I also had panic attacks that continued on and off for several years. I know telling you this isn’t encouraging but it’s meant to be my way of telling you that these attacks are just one more thing that can happen but that you will survive, just like you survived the loss of your husband. God, how I hate that term, loss, like somehow we misplaced our husbands and if we could only find them again and put them into their chairs in the living room, that everything would be fine. Not so, and not true. My fiancé died and he’s never coming back. That was the absolute hardest thing to come to terms with and I sometimes think my panic attacks happened because I didn’t want to believe there wasn’t some other option or alternative available to me that I just hadn’t thought of yet. For a while I believed that I didn’t have to accept that he was never coming back to me. I spent a lot of time outdoors, walking the dog, because I was convinced that Roger could “see” me better if I was out in the open. Pretty funny, huh? I was never prescribed anything for the panic attacks, although I already had some xanax and I took some of this when they got really, really bad. Mostly, I relied on friends and family to pull me through these really rough moments. Some people called me regularly, and sometimes I was forced to reach out and say I needed someone to just talk to me for a few minutes about anything. I needed a distraction from my own miserable life. I feel like I’ve been through a small war and death was my enemy. Death and I ultimately came to an understanding. I guess you could say we called a truce with one another. I’m sure we’ll fight each other again in the future. My advice to you? Stay really busy, busier than normal. Put as many different activities and events between you and the day your husband died as is humanly possible. Your true friends won’t judge you no matter what they hear you were doing. Anyone who does judge you isn’t your true friend and this is an added bonus. You’ll be able to weed out your friendship list and know once and for all whom you can really trust with your heart and your feelings. Then one day, you’ll stop and think – today I haven’t cried once about him! That’s when you’ll know you’re doing okay and that you’re starting to go only forward with the healing process. (In the beginning it’s two steps forward and three steps back sometimes.) If being mad at your in-laws helps you to get through these early days, then by all means, fight with them. It’s probably helping them too! Just know that they’ve received a huge wake-up call and are probably wanting to be more involved with you and your family because they don’t want to lose someone who was so incredibly close to their son. You are a lifeline for them. You keep his memory alive. Only you can provide answers about your day-to-day life with him. Why weren’t they this way when your husband was alive? Who knows? People have their own lives, they get busy, the days speed by, and it’s unfortunate that an untimely death has to happen to wake people up to the fact that we don’t have an endless supply of days to share with our loved ones. Go ahead and be honest with them, but don’t push them out of your lives. They can be one more source of help that your family needs to get through the tough days ahead. I say, “one more source” because you’ll find that no one person will ever suffice. You’ll need to lean on lots of different people and things to help you through this ordeal. And I can pretty much predict that you’ll be dying inside while you’re keeping busy and you’ll get pretty good at hiding your true feelings out in public. You’ll go out to dinner with family or friends and while everyone else is enjoying the evening, you’ll be wishing you could crawl in a ball and die yourself, but you’ll go through with the charade of acting normal when inside you feel that nothing will ever be normal again. Just remember that each day you get through builds a bridge to the next day and the next. Like I said, one day you’ll stop short and realize that you spontaneously laughed and you’ll think how strange and surprising that laugh felt, sort of like finding a fifty-dollar bill in your coat pocket from last winter’s trip to Las Vegas. You’ll have moments that will remind of the past, you’ll have moments where you’ll think, I was happy when that happened, he was alive when that happened. But you’ll also be building new memories and for a while they’ll be thought of as the “things that happened after he died,” like a huge line was drawn across your life marking all of its occurrences as happening either BEFORE HIS DEATH or AFTER HIS DEATH. But time does manage to merge and mush (love that word!) everything together after a few months and pretty soon you’ll have trouble distinguishing what happened before and what happened after “D” day. And this will make you both happy and sad because only then will you realize that time keeps relentlessly marching forward, taking further and further away from him and towards the rest of your future life without him.
Keep your family close and cut yourself a huge amount of slack and know that just about every woman on this site understands what you’re feeling because we’ve all gone through much of the same things. We’ve lived through and come out the other end. We didn’t lie down and die with our mates. We’re going forward. It’s like we’re all on the same road. Some of us are dragging our heels a bit more than others but we’re all together and this site is that road and we are able to reach out to one another and “virtually” hold each others’ hands from time to time and even send each other a “virtual” hug. This is my “virtual” hug to you. Hang in there. Keep building that bridge ’cause one day you’ll either reach solid land where you’ll be happy again, or you’ll be on the bridge a while longer helping others with their journeys.
Take care,
Deborah
To Deborah: I appreciated reading your words to Denise. It is nearly 7 months since my Larry graduated from this life. While I agree with all you typed, I am finding it next to impossible to practice your advice. I live alone now (except for two feathered friends and a dog) and I feel like things keep getting worse. I am fortunate in that I always ran the house budget, shopping, etc. and have no problem in that department. Also, I chose to take care of all of his belongings right after he was gone, so I don’t have to face that task. But, this continual crying and wanting to be with him when I know that isn’t the way the plan works, is keeping me nauseated much of the time and wearing a path in my carpet. I have software on my computer that allows me to make photographs larger or smaller and so I have pictures all over the house. Sometimes I look and them and kiss them (ho hum), other times I talk to him through focusing on them, sometimes I want to gather them up and hide them, then a few hours later, they are all back out where they were. I found a cassette tape he made five years ago where he talked about how and where we met and covered 44 years of our history in one- too short hour. I made several copies and put one in the safe. I would love to figure out how to get it onto a cd. When he was still with me, I had an urgent feeling about a week before he went into the VA Hospital that we should get a camcorder. I did and we took several clips of him and me. I also took several digital snapshots of him. He made the comment, “I’m glad you have the pictures. Now you will have them when you need them.” This was before anything happened. I recall ten years ago, we were walking hand in hand (we were ALWAYS hand in hand) in the mall. I said, I have to buy a ring. He asked me what kind of ring? I said, it has to say I love you. So, we went on what we thought would be a very long search. It wasn’t however. We went to the first center island that you see in all malls where they sell jewelry, pierce ears, etc. I asked the clerk if he had a ring that said I love you, in gold. He said yes. It is 10k gold. I tried it on and it fits like a glove. We bought it. The next day, my Larry had a heart attack. He said he was sorry for putting me through the fears and told me to wear the ring and that it would always be him saying I love you when I looked at it. When he went into the VA Hospital, I told him I was wearing it and I still have it on the same hand as my wedding ring. Right now, I don’t want to keep going. I want off this planet, because I can’t seem to deal with anything. I don’t have any aquaintances here and no family. People drop away and the lonliness is more than I can handle. I have tried the crisis suggestion and have gotten nothing but a run around because it either isn’t the correct area or whatever other excuse. I have no problem sleeping or eating. But I am getting to the point where I don’t want to cook anything any more. Sleeping means waking up and starting all over again. I feel so tired all the time and have nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. I have really tried every suggestion just about and to no avail. I just want out. Sorry to take up so much of the time for all those who might be reading this.
Twitter: miraclady
September 23, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Dear Terre -
Keep talking.
We are listening to you.
And we have all been there.
Prayers. Love.
Corinne
Today, my son and I went to our first peer group sessions. We have a place here in Portland, OR called the Dougy Center. It is a place where you can join a peer group of people going through the same thing as you. Even my son has a peer group of 3-5 year olds who have all lost a parent. It’s like a caring and loving family who understands exactly how you feel because they too are making this journey. I was so scared, but it just all came out like it was beyond my capabilities to hold it in. My son loves it there and so do I. They are all volunteers and are truly amazing. All of this is at no cost, they are there to listen and help and want nothing in return!!!! Amazing, may God bless these people!!! While the day was good, I am exhausted. I swear last night I woke up in the middle of the night and heard him say my name, it was so clear that it scared me. I thought to myself, well maybe I will dream about him so I better go back to sleep. Needless to say I didn’t, at least not that I remember. I think the biggest things I am dealing with right now are the complete feelings of abandonment by everyone. Obviously I feel abandoned by Lawrence. But all the people whose intentions were good and promised to be there for my son and help get me through this, well they have all dissappeared. I know it must be hard for them too. I know that seeing my son and myself probably make them think about and miss Lawrence. He was the guy that everyone loved and called to talk to. He was the friend who would stay up all night talking to these people and just “being there”. I know how much it sucks to not have that anymore, he was that for me as well. But…..my son and I don’t have the “out of sight, out of mind” luxury. So for the first time in my life I have nothing to do. My son and I have nothing, no life outside of work and school. Money is so tight it doesn’t leave any room to go and do things, so we are stuck. It’s hard to stay busy when everything costs something!!! The other issue I am having is that with every day, the thought of him not being here and his physical absence are more and more a reality that I can not stand!!!! Most of the time I can not imagine him even in this house. I spend hours trying to imagine him here, where he would sit and pretend to hear his voice. Imagining what he would be doing if he was here, I even try to picture him. I will look at a picture for a minute and then quickly look where he would be and hope to make the visual connection. I hope he can see us, not because I want him to see us in pain, but because I know how much it would hurt him to not be able to see us, especially his children. I have finally come to the conclusion why my sweet Lawrence was taken so early from this life. It does provide some comfort on a spiritual level.
He was just so alive. I knew how great of a presence he was, but not till he passed to I really grasp how “alive” he was and how intensely he lived and what he added to our “every day”. In almost everything I do, I ask myself, “What would Lawrence want me to do? Would he be proud?” I know him as well as I know myself, so I can usually answer.
I also want to thank each and every one of you for sharing your words, thoughts and pain. It has helped me so much more than I could have ever imagined that day I googled and found this page. Some of the comments were old and I thought what the heck, maybe it would be therapuetic just to type my thoughts. It has been so much more.
Dear Liz,
I wonder how you are doing. I can’t imagine losing your husband after 50 years together. That’s so sad. I’m sorry. I hope you are getting along alright. I think it helps to read the posts here, even if you don’t feel up to writing anything. I will say a special prayer for you when I sign off. Take care. You are here for a reason. Love, Mary W.
Hi Everyone,
I’ve been reading through all of your comments and my heart aches for the loss you have all experienced. I am writing this post because I am looking for help from my beloved grandmother.
My grandfather passed away in January. My grandparents were married for 60 years and were completely in love. They were a unit, a team, functioned as one, and did everything together. In the end my grandmother cared for my grandfather and spent most of her day helping him. When he died it felt like a piece of my grandmother went with him.
She lives alone and I know she is very lonely. She is having trouble sleeping, not eating anything she used to enjoy eating, and I think she is very depressed. I know that this is part of the grieving process but I want to do something to help her. I try to talk to her about it but it is very hard. I searched on google and found this site, and am hoping to get some advice on how I could help her. If anyone has any ideas I would greatly appreciate them. Thank you!
Twitter: miraclady
September 30, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Dear Becca -
I am sure many of our members will five you guidance.
You request really touched my heart.
I decided to write an article and ask all my readers for their advice.
You can follow the post here -
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/grandmother-is-grieving-advice-needed/
Bless you. And your beloved grandmother. She is so lucky to have you.
what is my password?
I just can’t go on. I am so desperate. It is almost 9 months since my husband passed away at 39 years . I wanted so much to grow old with him. I am now alone at 36. Although I have two kids 10 and 6 I always have this desperate need to go to him. I look again at my kids and then think, that he will get very upset if I come to him, because no one will look after his kids like me. That thought has pulled me for 9 months, I just can’t go on anymore. I am missing him everyday more than before. Why god did not take us together I do not know. I know god will unite us again. I am waiting for that wonderful day.
Twitter: miraclady
September 30, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Dear Zulaifa -
I am taking your comment very seriously.
You must IMMEDIATELY SEEK HELP. Call your doctor or go to the emergency room right now.
Call someone to take care of the children. Find someone to go with you or call 911.
I am not minimizing your pain. It is real. But you need medication RIGHT NOW to get you over this hump.
Please.
I am praying for you.
I am thinking of you and am with you.
PLEASE PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY.
Love,
Corinne
Dear Zulaifa
I know how hard it is to be left at such a young age. I too lost my husband only 3 short months ago tomorrow. He too was 39. I am 37 and have a young 3 year old son to look after and 2 step children. It isn’t fair and it just plain sucks!!! There isn’t any way to make it sound better than it is, because it is the most horrific thing I could have ever imagined. I know that if I didn’t have my son, I would me in far worse shape. I too think every day about how my husband needs and would want me to take care of our son. I know that we will be reunited for an eternity, it isn’t over, we are just going through a rough patch right now. But I also know that my sweet Lawrence would want me and his son to live a full life. I do not want him to experience guilt and pain if we are not able to go on, when he is in such a beautiful place. I also am not scared to die anymore, because I know my sweet Lawrence has made sure everything is okay for when I arrive. It sounds to me like you are a spiritual woman, and if you are then you know if you end your life you would live eternity without him. Know that he sees you and hears you. Let your children and maybe you too, write letters to him. It helps, trust me. I have spent the last 3 months feeling really angry and unable to be the best mother I could be. My son just lost his father, I can’t deprive him of his mother too. I know that I have to get it together and am doing better with that. I know that there will be rough moments and I can only expect to take them moment by moment, but set small goals for yourself. minute by minute. You are in my prayers…..all of you! We as women are strong! We love with our souls and are tough as nails at the same time.
Do get help hon like she said. I got depression due to my diabetes & had to go on meds for it. Good thing cuz my depression has gotten worse since Mike went. Can’t say he died cuz I still don’t believe it. We are all here for ya. Prayers just said for you all. I miss my darling Mike very day. He was not only my hubby but my friend & I loved talking to him & doing things with him and now he’s gone. Love you Doodles…
Twitter: miraclady
October 1, 2009 at 10:00 am
Dear Zulaifa -
Please check back in with us and let us know how you are doing.
Dear Zulaifa,
It does not matter, how long a time that you might have with your sweet love. It can be short…and it can be long….The wonderful connection was made.
I met my soulmate in 2004 and he went away in 2008. We bought so much happiness to each other. We fitted 20 years of living into a few years.
Because of my spiritual strength, I can survive, no matter what my head thinks. It is not an easy path, but I keep our love in me. I want to be with my sweet husband so much, but if I did not allow the flow of our spirits go naturally, I would not meet up with my husband, again. I would be on a different path away from him.
I keep strong, no matter how hard it is. Our love is strong. My husband and I will find each other, again.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dear Corinne, Paula, Cheryl, Mary and All
I am so overwhelmed with the love and care you show. After all god has made sure that he conveys all these messages through the living angels like you.
Some days I am very happy that I am moving forward. I have the energy to do every thing for my kids, keep the house, do the job ( I do a work at home job) I look at my kids and am happy at the progress they make. I promise my self that I will see them through to College, Job, and also see them with their own families. But suddenly I get depressed, because my sweet husband is not there to be a part of all these. I suddenly go back ten steps may be twenty. I feel life is not worth living. I come to this site so very often, just to read and remind my self that there are so many other women going through what I am going through, and they are pulling through no matter what. I do know that if I don’t die naturally god will be very angry with me. I am so scared that I will not meet him. When I get bad thoughts I try my best to talk to my self, I talk to a friend, I talk to my sisters, his sister, his mother, we cry together on the phone they live miles away from where I live.
I live in a small country very far from the US. An island in the Indian Ocean. I feel the need to get professional help, for which I need to travel to the city. Although I talk to friends and family members I don’t tell them openly about the thoughts I get in my head, I don’t want to upset them. I know they love me and my kids so much, they visit me whenever they can. Even when there are lot of people around me, I get so very lonely. Oh! I wish I told him I loved him soo, I only had the chance to tell that I need him. I don’t know whether he heard me. He was on the floor, and wouldn’t move. His eyes were half closed. We rushed him to the hospital. All the way I was telling him to get up. I wish I told him other things, lot of other things. They pronounced him dead after entering to the hospital. I pray before going to sleep to show him in my dreams. Sometimes I see him. Sometimes I don’t. On the days I see him I get a renewed strength to pull the day. I submit to the will of god, and hope that we all meet our husbands again in the hereafter.
Zulaifa,
I’m so very happy to read that you are submitting to the will of God! For me, turning to God for guidance and strength has kept me from total destruction. My fantastic husband was my rock, my everything….. when he died, I died.
This empty shell of a person that is left here wants to go with my husband, but our Creator has other plans for now. It’s been a little over 15 months since our Lord took my husband, and I am still as eager as ever to join them in the next life. At the same time, I am submitting myself to the will of God, and He is sustaining me. I take each day as it comes, not looking much to whatever future I have left on this earth, and trying not to dwell in the past. I have no idea what God has planned for me, but I am content to just be in His hands, comforted by His assurance that ‘the best is yet to come’ : Eternity with both Him, and my husband.
I pray for His peace for all of us…. the peace that surpasses all understanding.
Twitter: miraclady
October 2, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Dear Zulaifa -
Thank you for getting back to us. As you can see, we were all concerned for you.
I know it will be difficult for you to go to a city, but please do it. It may not be a big deal. Perhaps your family doctor can prescribe something to help you through this very difficult time.
Although you live far away from Chicago, IL in the US, I think how amazing it is that angels are not limited by time and distance.
I have no idea where our friends and angels on this site live.
But I do know that you are one of the angels who reside on this planet with us.
I have traveled in your part of the world. I even had a swim in the Indian Ocean.
I know there are social service agencies available there. Can you also check with your spiritual advisor?
Please keep in touch.
Dear Deborah
I just read through to catch up on everything and I found your post to me. It was so kind of you and I enjoyed reading every word of it-twice. Your words give me confort and I just want you to know how greatful I am. I still take Xanax when I get the panick attacks but have not started the everyday medicine- I just wake up and stare at the bottle and say not today, maybe never. I want to make sure I try everything possible before I resort to taking daily medicine, but just knowing I have the prescription makes me feel better. To know that if it gets really bad, I have another option to try. I have to focus on our 20 years together, and that I did have more time than some, and I have a beautiful child he would want me to be strong for. This helps me because I know he would want me to be strong for her. The hardest part is how it happened, staring into those eyes and watching him die. He wanted to live and I was helpless because there was nothing I could do-no warning, no time to say goodbye. I also read the Book “I wasn’t ready to say GoodBye” and it has also helped dealing with the trauma of sudden unexpected death. This is going to sound so strange, but I think I am healing because the tears are flowing and I am out of shock. I know now he is gone and not coming back to Earth. I have to face it my dreams for the future are shattered, but I must go on because that is what he would want me to do. I will see him again in Heaven and he is in a better place. I Thank God he was not alone when he died, he was in his home with my daughter and I. I Thank God he gave us that 10 day vacation together just before he left us- so many happy memories, videos and photographs. I Thank God he did not suffer for very long, I am told minutes (the way he would have wanted) only not at age 49!! I have gone out in public and back to work and it is hard like you said. I am wounded and in pain on the inside, but I put on a front on the outside, I have no choice. I do want to curl up into a ball and just die, but who would take care of his most precious gift in his life- our daughter. A daughter we thought we could never have, and then 10 years after marriage I conceived!! Something I thought we were not going to be blessed with. He loved that little girl so much. I must put my pain aside and raise that child as he would have wanted- this helps give me strength. The words I promised to him that I would take care of his little princess as I gave my last kiss goodbye on his lifeless body/forehead- after they told me they were unable to save him. I think even though he was already gone, that somehow he was looking down on me and expects me to keep that promise.
You are also right about the Family-I can’t deprive his daughter of her Fathers family so I am just going to forgive and let go of the anger.
I am so sorry about your fiance-again shattered dreams and it must be so painful for you! I am taking your advice on trying to keep busy instead of playing sad songs, watching his video’s, crying over his pictures, it only makes matters worse. I allow myself some grieving time to do this every day, and I cry very hard, but I can’t let the hours turn to days, days to weeks, weeks to months and months to years. I have to go on, and the fact is I have to go on without him. It is good to know I am not alone. I know exactly how Zulaifa feels because I found my husband the same way. Still wondering if he even knew I was there and if he could hear me screaming? I have accepted that I can’t go back and turn back time, it is NOT going to bring him back. I have also learned that physical pain does not hold a candle to emotional pain. Emotional pain of witnessing sudden death will never go away. I was actually thinking if I could get hypnotized to forget those horrifying last moments that keep flashing back- I would be able to get rid of the panic attacks. I am told I was blessed to be privileged to witness his passing, maybe in time I will feel special, for now I just ache and the replay of his death flashes through my mind dozens of times a day. Thanks so Much for all of the help- God Bless!!!
My husband died almost 4 weeks ago of sudden cardiac arrythmia/arrest at the age of 42. He dies 3 days after our 16th wedding anniversary. We have 3 beauttiful children – 13, 11, and 3. I am lost and devasted. I know I must go on for my children, but I feel like I am counting the days till I can be with him again. He was my soul mate. I don’t know how I can raise our family without him. I still keep thinking it can’t be real, and have been dreaming that it was all a dream. Only to wake up to reality that I don’t want to wake up to. I am trying to give myself to God. But I hurt so much. I am surrounded by family, friends, and neighbors, but I feel like I have never been so surrounded and so alone at the same time. After almost 4 weeks, it is not getting even a little easier.
Dear Lisa
I do know how you feel- many of us do. It is hard to trust Gods plan because it did not match your plan. God knows your husband inside and out, your husband was Gods creation. It could be God saw something up the road that was something he did not want for your husband or your family, something worse than what took his life. He loved him so much he would not allow it to happen, so he took him when he did, not too early, not to late, but he took his hand according to his plan. I know it is hard to trust Gods plan but know that God does not make mistakes. He created your husband and loved your husband. God is a loving God and he loves all of his creations. Even though it brings you tears and is very painful to lose your husband/soulmate, you have to trust Gods Plan. I lost my soulmate 8 weeks ago and have young children as well. It is hard to see old couples growing old together knowing the young kids will be without their Dad. Knowing that your dreams of growing old together on this Earth have been shattered and will not come to be. Your husband was also in his 40′s and this just does not seem fair, but know he is at peace and you will be together again someday in a place much better than where you are now. You will be able to pick up the pieces and one day at a time make it through the process of grieving and coming to terms with your loss. I know right now it sounds impossible, but God will give you strength. This is what your husband would have wanted, to go on and remain strong.
We on this site are also here to help you. Please keep in touch and let us know what you are feeling, how you are doing, and we can help you- because we understand. Your family and neighbors may try to help, buit they do not know how you feel- we do. God Bless you on this Sunday we are praying for you!
Thank you, Denise for your words. You are so right about seeing older couples. It seems every man I see, no matter what his age, I think, “Why Gary? Does this father/couple/man know how lucky he is?” IT is absolutely the hardest when I think about my children having to grow up without him. There is so much that is simply irreplaceable. Then thinking about all we will not get to do as a couple just brings me to the breaking point.
I want so much to be able to put my face through a window of Heaven to be able to see him, talk to him, touch him. I want so much to know FOR SURE that we will be together again. I just can’t bear the thought of not spending eternity with him, and some account of Heaven that I am reading say we are not together as husband and wife there. That would not be Heaven to me.
I am praying for strength. And I know He is sending it. But every day is still so long and so hard.
Dear Lisa
I know how hard it is. I am going through the same. But remember god’s promise. There is a life after here. Our husbands are waiting for us. We know only the present. Only god knows his master plan. We will get to know it one day. This may be helpful to you which I found from a blog
‘All things work for our good
though sometimes we can’t see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Lord knows what’s best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just can’t see Him,
Remember, you’re still not alone.
God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don’t understand,
When you don’t see His plan,
When you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.
He sees the Master plan.
He holds the future in His hands.
So don’t live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We see the present things,
but He sees the first and the last…’
Please be patient; God will take us only when our responsibilities in this world is over. Therefore, we need to do our best. Our husbands are counting on us to look after their children well. We cant fail them.
God Bless you all!!
That poem is beautiful. Thank you.
But I am having such a problem accepting that God takes those then their earthly repsonsibilities are over. How could God possibly think that Gary’s resonsiblities were complete at 42 with 3 young children? Peolpe tell me that God needed him for something more. but if God is infinite, what couldn’t have waited 15 or 20 more years? That would also have been too soon, but I could have accepted that a little easier, I think.
I also hear that God never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes I fear that is not true in my case. I just have no idea how to do this. I am praying for help, guidance, and acceptance. I guess it is all any of us can do.
A while ago, I went to a bereavement group. The experience turned out to be a nightmare. And…guess who was the center of the nightmare. It turned out that 911 nearly had to be involved. I won’t go into details here except to say that I met a lady while there who I called several weeks later. In our conversation, she shared with me that she had been married to her husband for 38 years. One night, he came into the bedroom at about 11:00 p.m. and kissed her and told her he loved her. He then went out to the garage, heavily locked himself in and shot himself to death. Now I know this is not a pretty story, but while it really hit me hard, it made me realise she had no warning that I know of and that she had to call the police to find out what had happened to him. She never saw him in that condition but chose instead to remember the last time he kissed her and told her he loved her. As I see it she has two major issues to deal with. This story has made me look back on my Sweet Larry’s graduation from this life with much gratitude that he had the strength to endure and I was with him when in his last words to me he repeated ‘I love you’ over and over in a whisper because he couldn’t manage more. I take the strength of my husband with me wherever I go and from morning to night. I am so greatful for his unconditional love, his patience, understanding, loyalty, sweetness, kindness and for being the most beautiful man God ever created. I give thanks to him and for him daily. I am so greatful he is free. I am so proud of him. He was a high school drop out with D’s and E’s. When I met him, his reading was limited and his drive was military oriented. One day when he was in his early 50′s he was on a roll with complaints about what he couldn’t do because of his education limitations. I must say, I had had it, and having no problem with words, I proceeded to tell him what was on my mind. Needless to say, it got his undivided attention. He marched out the door that same day. He went to the nearest college. He had a long talk with them and also proved he had gotten his GED through the military. They signed him up. It took him five years to graduate with two degrees. He wound up on the AB Honor Roll and on the Dean’s List. He is in the Who’s Who Book of Colleges and Universities. I later found out that while I knew he had a slight speech impediment, he was also dyslexic. Ask me if I am proud of my precious husband? I daily think about all the things he accomplished while dealing with so much pain and so many challenges. He quit smoking while in the middle of his exams, but unfortunately, it was too late. Thanks for reading.
Terre,
I’m sorry your bereavement group had a rough start, but I hope you don’t give up on it. The leader of the group I went to asked that everyone commit to giving it at least two tries, since the first one(s) can be really rough. I’m glad I stuck with my group. I wouldn’t say that it helped tremendously, but it did help.
I understand how Lisa feels, how could God think his work was done? To take him in his 40′s at the prime of his life, leaving behind broken hearted children. Why not 10 or 20 years from now-? I feel the exact same feelings, because I am in the exact same position. Today is the 2 month annivarsary of losing our beloved Husband/Father. Our 9 year old daughter did not sleep last night she misses her father so much, as do I. She started sobbing to me that she never got the chance to say goodbye and tell him how much she loved him. She has nightmares of listening to all of the paramedics trying frantically to save him as he lay there moaning. She was afraid to look but she heard everything and it was devastating for her. It is devasting for me because I not only have the audio replaying of everything but the visual. I was half asleep at 4am when I found him, and I watched him pass before my very eyes. There is no pain worse than the shock of trying to figure out what was happening, and within 30 minutes he was gone. The feeling of such profound helplessness. Cardiac arrithmia/Arrest is so sudden and final, very few are saved. No symptoms, no warning–No FAIR! It is normal to be angry at God but know you are not alone. I have noticed with young children their grieving process is delayed. Our 9 year old understands now (after 60 days) her Father is not coming back to earth and that she will never see him again on Earth. I assured her of her fathers love, and that she (his only child) will always be in his heart eternally. I also assured her that our love for him will never die-I will not let that happen. We CAN’T let that happen to our children! How hard it is to hurt so bad inside and on top of it have children that need to be comforted- believe me Lisa I know how you feel.
Do not try and avoid your feelings, it is OK to be angry. I have had to accept I will never be the same person I was, for I have lost the love of my life. I am Thankful for the 20 years we had together, as you can see from the posts, some people do not get that long on Earth with their soulmate, so we can’t look at those that have had “longer” we also have to look at those who have had a “shorter” time than what we had. In time I believe – that to have loved and lost, is better than to have never loved at all. You will be together again and your husband lives on in your heart, and in the hearts of his children. Please stay strong and know that your husband is there, you just can’t feel him, see him or touch him. He will be forever in your heart, love never dies. You may even find that you learn to love him more every day, more than you did when he is on Earth. Remember we are here to help you work through your pain. God Bless You ALL!!
I keep going through that awful morning in my mind. Gary was one of those guys who always fell asleep on the couch, and was there for the whole night. So I was used to him not coming to bed. My 13 year old is the early riser in the family, and it was Labor Day. At 7:00AM, he came into get me, saying “somthing is wrong with Dad – he can’t move.” I honestly had no feelings. I can’t say what I was thinking – I wasn’t. All I remember is RUNNING (and I do not usually move fast in the morning) down the stairs. He just looked asleep, and he was always a VERY deep sleeper, so I think for a split second I thought I would just be able to wake him up.
Then I realized his face was cold. He was not blue, though. I did everything wrong. I have been a health professional for over 20 years, and have been cpr certified since I was 18 years old. But it was mt 13 year old who had to say to me “shouldn’t we call 911?’ I then ran to the phone, before it hit me that I should have my son call while I tried to help Gary. I continued to do everything wrong. I gave him rescue breaths, and did not even feel for a pulse. Then it hit me that I should be doing chest compressions, and I started them on the couch – which is also wrong… too much give – you cannot get good compression. As I Was doing this, I was aware of that, but I could not bring myself to bring him down to the floor because I knew I could not bear to have my children see and hear his body thudding on the floor. I think I knew in my head that it was too late already. I could not even continue cpr continuosly. I kept screaming for Gary, kept screaming that he was cold. I woke my younger 2 children with my screams, and terrified them. MY poor oldest had to ask me to calm down because the 911 operator could not hear him due to my screaming.
somewhere along the line, my 13 and 11 year old ran next door and brought over our dear neighbor. She told me he was gone. It was obvious, I guess. Of course, when the amublances, police, and coroner arrived the news was all the same. Nothing they could have done.
He had been having what we thought were stomach pains the week before, and we were going to call for a doctor appointment after the holiday weekend. We even talked about the tragedies of people who think they have indigestion and find out it is there heart. The final cause was arrythmia caused by spasm one of his coronary arteries which had a blockage. This lead to cardio-respiratory arrest.
You are so right, Denise… no warning (although I lament constantly about the pain he was having for a week… although it was only at rest – totally not typical angina pain)… no preparation… NO FAIR.
I feel like my Life ahead of me is too long now. How can I possibly raise 3 children alone? Yet, at the same time I was reading old posts, and I am one of those women who totally feel committed to only him for eternity. There will be no other match for me. I know it in my soul. And that is what I want. But it is also such a lonely feeling.
Sorry for rambling. This is a wonderful outlet, and I am grateful to have all of you. God Bless.
I can so relate. Mike had pains in his legs earlier that nite & I had no idea at the time it was a symptom of heart trouble. I miss him so much. No one understands what I am going thru. I would give my soul to have him back. Almost 58 was too young to go. I will never marry or love again. He was the only one for me. How I wish I had called 911 first instead of trying to revive him first and then call my mom to see what to do. I still don’t believe he is gone. I will never accept it even tho I am glad that if he went he is safe in the arms of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. But here I am crying my heart out cuz I miss him so much. I want him back so bad. Mike I love you. and I miss you so much…
It seems as if he never existed but was just a good dream for 20 some yrs and now the dream is over. How I miss him so…
Lisa, your words, “I am one of those women who totally feel committed to only him for eternity. There will be no other match for me. I know it in my soul. And that is what I want. But it is also such a lonely feeling,” so eloquently express my feelings about my Don. Thank you for posting them……. it is a great comfort to know there are others who feel the same.
Twitter: miraclady
October 10, 2009 at 10:20 am
To all my friends here -
One of the benefits of this forum is that you get to express your feelings without any identification.
Writing is so important.
I’d like to recommend a book to all of you. You can probably get it or order it at the library or buy it used at Amazon.
It is called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron.
Not a book on grieving. But important about taking care of yourself. And especially about writing your feelings.
Hi Corinne and everybody,
I will get the book by Julia Cameron, “The Artist’s Way”. I have heard of it before. I had thought of creating a folder on my computer labelled “Barry”. That way I can write down my everyday feelings, good and bad. It would be a way to communicate for sure. I get very lonely, but I cannot even think of anyone else in my life. My intimacy was with Barry. That is the hardest part to get thru. I miss him so much. I remember his beautiful voice. I will have to watch our wedding DVD to hear his voice saying his vows to me.
I am finishing up my first year in Ministry I in November. I will be ordained as an Assistant Minister in January, I believe. I am already into the fifth month of Ministry II, that carries a title of Associate Minister. When, I finish my third year, I will be a Senior Minister.
I just want to let out some encouragements and enlightenments. I thought my/our dreams had died. But it did not. It is taking on a slightly different form. The dreams are still there.
So everybody, carry on…no matter how hard it is. Your dreams still exist, but in a little different way. Once, you clear yourself, you will see. I saw and I am so happy that, what dreams that my Barry and I had did not completely go away.
Blessings and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I write a long email but it did not post-
is anyone else having problems with the site?
Twitter: miraclady
October 12, 2009 at 6:33 am
Dear Denise -
My blog is fine. It’s my @$&*!*&^& Internet connection. They were doing work on Comcast on my street and it was up and down, including my cable and telephone for two days.
They told me it was also “sun spots,” whatever that is.
Sorry to have missed your comment. Please try again.
I apologize. We don’t want to miss a word you say.
Lisa/All- I wrote a long comment but it did not post due to a technical difficulty. I will try and remember what was said.
Lisa I wanted you to know the same thing happened to me. We can’t expect to function normally when we are in shock and half asleep. The thought that our husbands were passing was the furthest thing from our minds because we had no warning and I also have strong healthcare schooling/knowledge. Most recently in Neurobiology at Northwestern so I understand how the heart and the Brain work together during sleep. I also ran downstairs to the couch where my Husband was and I think he was still alive because he was making noises (but could not move his body or his eyes). I called 911 immediately and they arrived in less than 7 minutes- it did NOT make a difference so please don’t blame yourself. I am told these noises may have been agonal, either way-They could NOT save him. Less than 5% of out of hospital night time cardiac arrest patients survive. The ones that do usually have re-current attacks and the survival rate is very low. The others that make it alive to the hospital arrive with such severe Brain damage that you have to make a “decision ” whether to sustain life support. It is only a few minutes before Brain damage occurs and you would not have wanted that for your husband even if they or you could get his heart restarted!! When oxygyn is deprived to the brain (because the heart stops) unconciousness sets in – I watched this and there is little to no suffering. You see we never had to “decide” it was Gods plan to take him when he did and we have to accept that. It is nothing you or I did wrong. If the brain won’t tell the heart to beat or the lungs to breathe, there is nothing you can do to make the heart beat, there was likely damage to the autonomic part of his brain. I know it is hard because of your healthcare backround, to think you might have been able to save him, but you need to put that thought OUT of your head. It is normal to replay the events before and at the time of passing, thinking: If I had only seen the signs, If I had only made him come up to bed, If I had only checked on him sooner, If I had only made him go to the hospital or Doctor earlier “aches and pains”. This guilt is normal – but in order to heal you have to let go of the guilt. Having said that he was exactly where God wanted him to be, at home with the family he loved. He was not killed by a violent act of Murder, he did not die alone, he suffered little. I know it is hard because you never got to say goodbye, nor did I because I was too late getting downstairs. He was way past the point of saving, but when you get flashbacks of the traumatic event, or feelings of guilt, you have to replace these negative thoughts with positive ones.
I still get panic/grief attacks but they come less often. This weekend I felt strong and felt fine in the morning so I thought I would be OK going into the same store where we bought our wedding rings 20 years ago. I needed to get them appraised so they could be insured for my 9 year old daughter. I completely broke down and the grief hit me hard and came on suddenly like I was hit by a train. My 9 year old had to explain to the people in the jewelry store this happens ever since her Dad died. I could not get my breathe or stop sobbing in public- I was so embarassed!! I just have to accept it is what my body needs to do to heal- part of the process. I was OK in 30 minutes of re-programming my mind from the negative to the positive.
I hope everyone has a little better week, and it is OK to go backwards in the process, it is normal. God will give you strength and he knows we are hurting- he knows us inside and out and that are hearts are broken.
Kids at school can also be mean, one of my daughters classmates laughed when the teacher mentioned your Moms and Dads will be invited to the “event”. She said “Jessica does not have a Dad” in front of the whole class. The teacher scolded her and said Jessica DOES have a Dad, she will ALWAYS have a Dad, he is just not here on Earth where you can see him he is in HEAVEN. She is right this teacher I give her credit. She also lost her father at age 11 so she knew exactly what to say. You do have a husband, your children will always have a Father, and you can go on loving him – maybe even more now that he is gone. You never let go of Love- it lives on forever as in the Bible. Life on earth is short, you will be together again some day …FOREVER.
Keep in touch and I hope some of what I say may help someone- even if you do not agree with everything, you may find something that will help. That is what God wants us to do from this life experience- know that we can help others at a time when you feel that No One understands your pain- we understand each others pain. God Bless
Dear Denise
Thank you so much for this post. I just don’t know what else to say. This is so helpful.
God Bless All!!
Thank you for writing this. It was comforting to read a story that I can relate to. My husband was diagnosed with Heart Failure about 2 yrs ago, and I watched him die. He passed away July 13, 2009. He was only 28 years old. Toward the end a part of me felt the same as you did… just wanting it to be over, so the suffering would stop. But there was still a part of me that I guess was in denial, thinking that he was going to get a heart in time, recover, and come home. But anyways, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated you sharing your story.
-Rachael
Denise, and everyone,
Thank you for that post. It did help. I have not had a good week. I feel myself wanting to head toward denial. I keep thinking “this can’t be real, and he has to be coming back.” Just like my 3 year old keeps telling me. It seems to be getting harder. I did not expect it to get easier, but harder – well it is so hard to take.
I went to a grief counselor earlier in the week. She is nice, knowledgable (sp?) and willing to help, but afterward, my thought was “does it really do any good to sit on a stranger’s couch and cry?” I do that on my own couch. I don’t know. Thanks for listening. I hear my 3 year old getting up… gotta go.
Lisa
It does get harder because you begin to miss your loved one more as time goes by. That is only normal and part of the process. It has been 60 days and they have been the longest 60 days of my life!!
I miss him terribly …I know it is overwhelming.
You are in my prayers- keep in touch-God Bless
Denise
Hello all,
I want to share something that I do not know how you will feel about it. I know it seems many of us are spiritual and have a strong faith in God. So I hope what I write is not offensive to anyone, and some of you may just think I am crazy.
I spoke with a psychic medium today. I know all of the reaons that I should maybe not have done so – it could be a total scam, waste of $, … beleive me I thought long and hard about them all. But I do believe that there are those among us with gifts others cannot understand. Bottom line is that I decided I was not spending more than I could afford, and if it turned out to be a waste, then it would be lesson learned.
but I don’t think it was a waste. She told me so many things that were so meaningful, and I really felt like I had connected with him. I had been feeling pretty much inconsolable for days, and afterward I hard a peace that I have not felt since he died. The pain is not less. But I felt his connection. He told me things only he would have known or said.
Am I crazy??
Lisa
I know people who swear by psychic powers. Like any profession or gift there are good and bad examples (the bad is what makes people ruin the reputation of the good). Law enforcement often use psychics to solve cases and have very favorable outcomes, so you are entitled to tap into the same resource without being labeled as crazy.
I personally have not used one recently, but I did 20 years ago and they were accurate. I find many psychics to be very spiritual people. What I do know is the good ones limit readings to once every 6 months or once a year and the less they know about you the better. I worked in a restaurant where we booked appointments for Pat who was a psychic (people would travel 100 miles to get in with him based on referrals) and he would not do more than 2 readings per year per person so he really was not trying to take advantage of people financially- I know there were people who wanted to come monthly- even weekly and he just said he had tried that in the past and did not get good results if the “privilege” of his powers were abused/overused.
Who are we to judge whether or not God has given some a special gift for this ability? God gives special gifts to everyone! I am glad you found comfort and felt a connection in your heart/soul, that is all that matters. No new experience is ever a waste, do not let anyone tell you otherwise. I am glad it turned out to be a favorable experience:-)
God Bless
I took the kids out to dinner last night for the first time without their Dad. It was gut wrenching. I could barely get through it. I did not want to go, but my daughter had a volleyball game, and it was just one of those nights that it seemed like the best option. I knew it would be hard any time. My older two looked so miserable. My youngest just did his 3 year old thing, which is probably the only thing that kept me from breaking down completely.
I despise everything about this “new normal.” I don’t want a new normal, I want my old normal back. I keep picturing him here beside me in everything I do. I want it to be true, but then I wonder how much is real and how much is my imagination and wishful thinking.
Next Friday is his birthday. I don’t even know how to begin to think about it. I have plans to take the kids to the cemetary, and I bought some knick knacks to put up to honor his memory as a “present,” but I dread it so much. Plus, being the day before Halloween, it always is a trick or treat night here, so chaos abounds in the neighborhood. I can’t keep my kids from having their enjoyment of that, but it makes it even harder.
thanks for reading.
Lisa
Thanks for posting your comment for us Lisa to hear you are getting through the days. I know exactly how you feel this is the toughest thing I have experienced in my whole life. I would give anything to have him back and struggle just to function. This was not the plan and we are weak. I wake up so sad, I go to bed so sad, I think of him all day long. This morning I yelled at my 9 year old for crying about her Dad. We were rushed out the door to get to school and she had another melt down. She said but Mom I can’t help it, I miss Daddy- you cry and I don’t scold you. I remind you Dad is in a better place.
I’m so mad at myself right now- she is right- what was I thinking? I just don’t know how to deal with this and I’m not doing a very good job. This child is heart broken and sobbing and I am yelling at her for crying- God Help Me! I have pictures everywhere in the house just so it seems like he is still here. My family thinks it is unhealthy but it comforts me. I mean big pictures blown up and taped on my Kitchen cabinets and every Photo I have of him is on display. I am going to try and remove one photo every week. I get mad because everyone else just as soon get on with their lives and I can’t. I’m trying but it is so very hard- you are not alone. I am not weak in faith I’m just plain heartbroken, sad and I miss him!!!
Denise,
try to be gentle with yourself. One of the MANY books I have been reading on the subject – “I Wasn’t Ready to Say GoodBye,” says to treat yourself as if you have been in the intensive care unit. Because that is what we need.
I too immediately needed to put up pictures of Gary so that I could see him in every room of the house. I don’t think that is unhealthy. I had to try to restrain myself from going overboard in our bedroom, because I do not want to set up what would turn into a shrine or sorts. But I need the pictures around. I need to see his face. I talk to him that way. I talk to him all the time.
It has been such a rough week. Again. I am still in denial. I cannot accept this. My life has become a chore to endure, when before I was truly and completely happy. One of the things that hurts the most is that I finally felt that our family was truly complete and “right” after the birth of our youngest son – less than 4 years ago. I feel so cheated that we only had such a short time as a whole family unit.
I talked to my minister yesterday. He said some helpful things. When I spoke of my anger at God and my anger when I hear that “God needed him for something more,” or that “God felt his work was done here,” my pastor’s response was – this is a quote – “I think that’s bullshit.” HE believes that God does not actually choose who will live and who will die. He said we don’t know why these things happen, but that he does not believe that God thought Gary’s work here was done. He told me that belittles the amazing roles of father and husband – and these are extremely important roles according to God in the Bible.
So he advised me to pray for peace and acceptance. I try, but I have not gotten an answer to that prayer yet. I pray to hear from Gary. To see him in my dreams. I haven’t had any of those lately either. I guess all we can do is keep praying.
God Bless.
Thanks for the comments Lisa I am going to leave the pictures up and if it offends anyone they can either choose to ignore them or not come over. My daughter and I like them up and that is all that matters right now!! I read that book I wasn’t ready to say goodbye it was good. Two weeks before Steven died we took a 10 day road trip as a family, this was our chance to say goodbye even though we did not know it at the time. We spent 8 days traveling and 2 days at home together with him not working at all. He was a very hard worker so this time was so precious to have him “all to ourselves” as he worked 6 days a week. I thank God for this time with him and our daughter. I have never cried so much, so hard, for so long in my life. It has been 2 months and I still can’t wear mascara or it will end up all over my face. Prior to this I can’t remember the last time I cried-really! I think it is good to cry and get mad because I feel better afterwords than trying to keep it in. I always do this alone and I know “alone” time is hard with kids.
I know how hard Garys Birthday will be. I think he was in his early 40′s? What number Birthday will this be? It surely will not be a celebration but you should write a Birthday note to him and read it aloud for I believe he will hear you. The kids could also say something if they like for it will be therapeutic for them as well. You may or may not be answered in a dream, but in some way peace (even if a small amount) may comfort your soul. I will say a special prayer for you on Friday of next week. Steve was born on the 4th of July so I have a ways to go yet before that time comes. I was planning a big 50th B’day party (of course not even thinking he was going to die at 49- he was not even sick and had never even been in the hospital since he was born). So I basically have a huge hole in my heart like everyone on the site. The holidays are even going to be harder because Steve played a special role at Halloween (taking our daughter trick or treating) , Thanksgiving (roasting and carving the Turkey) and Christmas (cutting down the perfect fresh Christmas tree). There are painful times ahead I dread even thinking about the holidays without him. I am sure everyone on the site feels the same way. Well I better run and get the weekend chores done, many more now that he is gone.
God Bless! Denise
Made it to Nags Head just fine yesterday. Yesterday Sat I was sitting out on the deck watching the ocean & talking to Mike. I told him I loved him & missed him. I told him if he could hear me please send me a sign. Well it was kind cloudy cuz it was gonna rain later & had suddenly gotten gloomy even tho it was unusually warm. When I said that to Mike, immediately the skies opened up & got lighter & sun started coming out & a beautiful rainbow came out over the ocean. I just know that was Mikes answer to me & that he hears me from up in heaven & still loves me. I was so touched & felt such love. I think it was even neater than the rainbow I saw in Hawaii in the 70′s.
I took some pics of it & video filmed it too to havea record of it. It eventually faded away sadly. But I know Mike made it happen.
I put one of the pics of it on the internet for everyone to see. It is here:
http://d.yimg.com/kq/groups/15162357/sn/1504334000/name/IMG_8899.jpg
I LOVE YOU MIKE!!!!
Oh yeah. Forgot to mention that I came down to Nag Head, NC with my folks for a week. Should be fun but I miss Mike so much…
What a Beatiful Post Cheryl – Thanks for sharing and also the picture of the rainbow. I am certain Mike sent you that Rainbow!!
The rainbow is beautiful. The night of Gary’s viewing, I am told, although unfortunately I did not see it, there was an extraordinary rainbow that literally appeared directly over the church during the viewing. I wish I could have seen it. Rainbows have always been God’s sign that things will be ok. Although I still don’t know how.
This morning I woke up feeling “normal.” So normal, in fact that I actually had the thought, “Thank God that nightmare is finally over.” But, of course in only a few more seconds I realized that it was not a nightmare, and it will never be over. I know some would say that I was blessed to have even a moment of feeling normal again. But I do not feel grateful. I don’t want to hear people tell me that I will get through this. And, I REALLY hate when people tell me about themselves or someone they know who was “lucky enough” to find love again. That actually offends me. I will never love again. I will never date again. I unfortunately used to joke that being married taught me that I really did not need a man in my life. As awful as that makes me feel now, there still is some truth to it. I do not need a man in my life… I only needed Gary. Even all of the books on grief that I cannot stop reading ALWAYS talk about “getting out there again.” WHY? I am not saying it is wrong if that is what you want or need. But they make it seem like it is expected and almost a requirement. That is not me. I am living the rest of my life waiting for the day that I can be reunited with my Love. I must live my life, and I must find a way to do so gracefully for my children. I will live for and with my children with my husband, their father, by our sides in spirit always.
I am sounding a little preachy, so I will stop now. This site is such a source of comfort to me.
Thank you,
Lisa
It’s been 10 months since my Roy left this world. I am sure he is with us in spirit, my self and our two kids. Some days I feel I can go through, but sometimes I can’t. I just want to desperately be with him. I feel that this can’t be real. I pray I will wake up from this nightmare. If god is planning to keep me longer in this world, I can’t figure how I can cope. It is torture taking kids out, shopping, going to kids’ school events. I love you Royya!! Waiting to join you!!
Thank you for allowing me to ramble.
It was so swwet of Mike to send me the rainbow. I can relate to what you guys are saying. I still can’t & never will believe Mike is gone. It is a bd nightmare. Reading about Roy reminds me that Mikes real name was Roy Michael but everyone called him Roy…
Hi Everyone
This weekend was hard at the Pumpkin Farm, the first time without Steven. My daughter misses him so much and so do I. I kept picturing his face sticking through the painted displays as he loved to be a Funny Dad- always acting like a kid at heart – he was so much fun!
I also do not plan (or want) another man in my life and I do not like when people suggest this either. Everyone just as soon try to make me forget about Steven and change the subject if we bring up his name. It IS offensive to me as well and I just wanted you to know your feelings are understood (at least by me). The word NEVER is a very emotional word. So can I say I choose to not love again-YES I CAN. Can I say that I will NEVER love again-No. Only God can truly use the word NEVER. We all have learned alot- what to say and what not to say to someone who has had the Love of their Life pass on to eternal life. So we have learned from this and are able to help eachother. Grief is a long and painful journey and none of us like it, want it, in fact I can say we despise the position we are in- AND THAT IS OK. Don’t let anyone tell you how you feel, you have suffered more than you have ever suffered in your life for we have broken hearts and shattered dreams of our earthly existence. Try to do something nice for yourself, allow to feel some joy at least just a little every day. The joy could come from a card, letter or even flipping through a picture book of your loved one. Memories need to be re-lived so they do not fade away. You can begin to journal good memories while they are still fresh in your mind. Even writing to your loved one here and there is good for you because they re-inforce a love that will NEVER die-ever- for this is written. If tears could build a stairway I could walk right up to heaven and bring Steven back my love for him endures. I pray to God to prove to the world he can do anything, and to bring Steven back to earth to prove to the Non-Believers that God exists. However, I know that it is more more likely that we both will be re-united in Heaven as it has been written.
Anyways I better get ready for the work week- what a struggle! I have to break days down to hours and just be thankful if I can get through an hour at a time. We are paying a HUGE price right now, for what we are experiencing is the cost of Loving someone, and continuing to love someone. I beleieve that those who have been blessed with True Love will suffer the most, so know that you are blessed to have true love in your life. This is not PAST tense, for your love will grow until you meet again. Love does not stop, it does not go backwards, it grows every day and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You need to correct people when they talk about your love one in “past tense” for they are still will with you- Always and Forever- Heart and Soul – God Bless- Denise
Thank you Denise:
Your entry is very comforting. I have just had a 9 day visit from my adopted Son and while it was great that he did so much to help me by fixing things, teaching me things about different items around the house, etc., I must say, it is great to be quiet in the house again. That is such a confusing statement because I feel so darn lonely without my sweet Larry and my Mama. There is a Google Earth link that allows you to zoom in nearly anywhere in the world. It has been upgraded to instead of allowing only aerial views, you can now view as though driving down the street and see, for example, houses you previously lived in. Anyway, my Son entered an address where I last live with my Mom and Dad and also temporarily with my Husband. It showed the area where that house and several others were gone and high-rise construction under way. I saw that and completely broke down. I feel I cannot go anywhere because everything has been or is being taken away in the name of progress. I can’t seem to even go into restaurants or movies because I don’t have my Larry’s hand to hold onto. I want to turn around and see him behind me typing away on his own computer which is still up and running. I keep the e-mails cleaned out of his computer and cannot bear to take him off because there seems to be a feeling of connection there. I like listening to opera occasionally ( I love all kinds of music including bagpipes) and have, as a result of an e-mail being sent to me found three 14 year old opera singers who are in Italy. THEY ARE TERRIFIC. When I am down, I find much comfort through their wonderful voices. I can’t understand what they are saying but their emotion and body language works for me. I still think about pills that are in the cupboard which Larry took for sleep and depression. I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about going to sleep and not waking up. My religion and God do not condone such ideas, but still, it seems like nothing matters right now. The days and tears are long and regularly draining. I don’t seem to be able to move from point A to point B without staggering. I fell off a ladder a couple days before my Son came and gave myself a black eye and a skinned shin. I felt like I had to explain this to nearly everyone I encountered so they wouldn’t think he hit me. I have been falling quite a bit lately and I know it is because I am so racked with emotion, lonliness and only sleeping approximately 3 hours per night. Last night, I went to bed at 9:00 p.m. and got up at 7:00 a.m. I feel better after much needed sleep. I know it has been 8 months since my Sweet Darling passed out of his body, but I agree, it seems like yesterday. Larry went through so much in the hospital and because I was with him through it all I didn’t want to only remember those visions. Before he was cremated, my Son and I had a private viewing. I am greatful we did that because now when I have the other visions, I can quickly change that to seeing him so young looking because they worked with him at the mortuary and did a beautiful job to make him look so peaceful. I kissed him over and over and keep telling him how much I love him and how greatful I am to him and for him. I love you my Darling Husband and I am looking forward to being with you. I do not believe in death. Because of that, I don’t believe in the statement “till death do you part.” Therefore, I am still married and continue to wear my rings. Thank you for allowing me to use this site to express. While it feels good to do so, I still don’t know what to do with all this time and space. I really tired of hearing, as others have said, it takes time, get over it, get out and meet people, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do somethin about it, etc. It is almost dangerous because I don’t want to be here anymore. With that said, I will stop for now. Thank you for being there everybody.
Dear Terre, I’m so sorry you are hurting as you are. I read more than I write here, but sometimes I just wish I could do something helpful. I don’t have great words like so many others do. I just want to ask you to hang in there Terre. If you believe like I do, you know Larry would be broken hearted to see you so sad. I know you can’t help it. None of us can. It’s just so very hard to go on. Feeling alone, no matter how many people are around. Feeling as if you are fragmented and just can’t function properly. Care about yourself. Look for what he saw in you and hold on tight to that. There are so many things to miss of the one we planned to be with forever. But, we are stuck here and we have to find a way to make it bearable, to make it count for something. Give yourself time. Don’t worry about what others think you should be doing, saying or feeling. Try to find one thing to care about each day. Look for one blessing each day. Just one day at a time. God bless you. Mary
Hi Everybody,
I read all the comments all the time. It has been a year and nine months, since my sweet Barry went away. It has been a long hard road and struggle. I get so lonely at times, because I come home and nobody is there except my little doggie. I talk to my doggie. His name is Yoda. Sometimes, I talk to myself and Barry. But as time goes by, it does get a little easier. I have been working hard on myself. I try not be lost in space somewhere. I am trying to regain control. I still miss my Barry. I do not think that would ever go away. He and I were soulmates from so many lifetimes. We will find each other again. I have the faith.
I have found a spiritual center of Universal Beliefs. I found a place where I can belong and share. I am not alone. I have been taking courses in Ministry I for a year now. We study about all belief systems. We are all the same. No differences at all. No matter what names we put to the belief system. I will be ordained as an Assistant Minister. I am into the fifth month of my Ministry II course. This will give me the title of Associate Minister. Then, after the third year, I will be a Senior Minister. I have worked for an Assisted Living Facility for the past 24 years. My heart went out to them. I am a Chef. I decided to stay and see what a difference I can make in their lives and they can smile. I am extending myself out to them next year, by forming my own Sacred Circle at the facility. They can share and find closures. We are all OK. We can be a whole being. I am feeding their bodies to comfort them. Now, I am comforting their spirits and their minds. My Barry is a Reverend. I saw him as he saw me. We would have done some great work together. So, now I am carrying on. Have Faith, everybody. It is OK.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Mary: Thank you so much for your wisdom. I know you are very right in what you say, but I can’t seem to hang onto the will to go on. I know I must, but I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I cry every day and sometimes wake up crying. I take care of the yard chorse more because of the fact Larry loved it so rather than my really wanting to put my heart into it. Whenever I think I shoud take my pictures down and put them in a safe place, it isn’t more than a few minutes and they are all back where they were. There was much stress during the 9 day visit from my Son and when he left, I felt like I had to start all over again. I do find some solitude in my home, more so than anywhere else, but for so many years, that has been with my Larry….44 years….now that he is gone in the physical sence, I feel like I am absolute losing it. I just plain don’t want to go on anymore. I feel like I am letting him and myself down, but I just don’t seem to have what it takes to keep my head up. I took my Son to the shuttle to begin his journey home on Sunday. After he left, I complete broke down in front of a woman I have never seen before. She was very nice, but I feel like an absolute idiot. I feel so lost and desparate. God, how I want to go home.
Terre,
You work hard on the yard because that’s what Larry did. That’s okay. That’s how it may be for awhile. At least you are doing something. The same thing happened to me when my son stayed with me for a bit. When he left it may have been one of my worst breakdowns. Keep the pictures up if you want. If you have never given yourself a “break” in your life, now is the time. Don’t be hard on yourself. Larry loved you for a reason, try to love yourself as he did because he would want you to take care of yourself. Care about something, even if it is only because he cared about it. My husband had power tools and woodworking projects. I had never touched any of it. I picked up those tools and learned how to use every one them, not because it was my thing, but because it was his. It helped. I found a diagram he made of a porch he was going to put on our house. I showed it to a carpenter and had it built. All you can do is try Terre. Try for Larry your loved ones and Larry if you have to and one day you will try for yourself too. Just don’t withdraw completely. E-mail me if you like. MaireeW@yahoo.com.
Take care Terre. You will never be the same, but you will find a way to go on because, as Christians, we must. Hugs Mary
Twitter: miraclady
October 28, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Dear loved ones here -
I am so encouraged that some of you are staying in now that you are starting to recover a little. Like Mary.
It is so important to reach back to the ones here who are still in such intolerable pain.
Please keep it up.
Today I got this on another article and I thought it was so beautiful I should share it here.
A wise woman, a Carmelite nun inspired by St. Augustine, sent this to me when my husband died and said that my husband might say these words to me.
Death is naught
I have only passed to the other side.
I am me. You are you.
That which we were for each other, we are still.
Give me the name you have always given me.
Speak to me as you have always done.
Don’t use a different tone.
Don’t adopt a sad or solemn air.
Continue laughing at things
we laughed at together.
Pray, smile, think of me, pray with me.
Let my name be spoken at home
as it always has been -
Without emphasis of any kind,
or trace of a shadow.
Life still means what it meant.
It is that which it has always been.
The thread has not been cut.
Why would I be out of your thoughts?
Simply because I am out of your sight?
I am not far, just on the other side of the path.
You see, everything is fine.
You will rediscover my heart.
In it, you will rediscover pure tenderness…
(I love you. I always will.)
Blessings and peace be with you, dear heart.
Thank you so much Corrine, this is so beautiful. It is also giving a lot of encouragement, and reminding that our husbands are with us and one day we can join them.
May god bless you all!!
I’ve been out of town, visiting friends and relatives, and functioned fairly well while gone. When I came home it was like my Don had just died, the grief was so fresh and intense. It’s taken me three days to feel ‘balanced’ again. Makes me wonder if I should go away on trips!
Thanks to all of you who express your intent to stay true to your husbands. It is such a relief to read that others feel the same as I, since so much in this society seems to be against devotion for eternity. Actually, this society works against devotion for a lifetime, so I shouldn’t be surprised that most people don’t understand eternal devotion.
Blessings to all of you.
Jeanine
The poem is so beautiful. I have saved it, and printed it, and read over it several times a day. I puts in to words my beliefs and how I hope and pray things truly are.
Today is my Gary’s 43rd birthday. I can’t believe he’s not here. I am taking the children to the masaleaum (sp?) after school for the first time for them. I am so scared. I need him so. I dreamt about him for the first time in weeks last night, and I am so thankful for that. I have to believe he is right here with me. It is the only way I can get through this.
Lisa you will be in our prayers today on your Husbands Birthday. We know it will be painful for you and your family to not be able to “see” him, but know he is always with you Heart & Soul.
Hi all,
I’m thinking that this is a good place to post some of my thoughts about life and death. First of all, you need to know that I believe in the basics from God’s Word, AKA the Bible: God, who is three in one: Father, our creator; Jesus our Savior; and Holy Spirit, our comforter and helper. I also believe that many aspects of various religions are gifts from God, often misused and distorted. For example, I am now taking Tai Chi (which some view as a ‘religion’) and believe that what is referred to as the ‘intrinsic energy’ of chi and ‘reaching a higher level’ are concepts that can be found in God’s Word, too. I’m telling you all this because I don’t want anyone to confuse me with a ‘New Age’ person. I guess I could be called a ‘Christian mystic,’ though.
Now about dimensions: Since I believe that ‘with God all things are possible,’ and I know scientists have identified at least 15 dimensions in our universe, then I think it is highly possible that we and our loved ones are living alternative realities in other dimensions. In other words, there may be a dimension where my Don (who died from pancreatic cancer in June 2008) is living as a widower, and another dimension where both of us are continuing to live together as man and wife. What would be the purpose of such a thing? Perhaps the same purpose as the dimension/reality we are presently in……. to prepare us for the existence we will have when Jesus returns and eventually establishes what He has been working toward for all of time as we know it. To teach and shape us, so we are ready for to handle what He has planned for us, whatever that is. When we finally get there (what God’s Word calls heaven,) all the parts of us that are spread across the dimensions will come together as one, and we will have the lessons learned from all the existences we’ve experienced.
I could go on with more thoughts along this line, but this may already more than some of you want. So, I’ll stop now, and wait for your comments. If no one wants to comment, that is fine. Thanks for the opportunity to put my thoughts into writing, with the hope of someone actually reading them!
Jeanine
How, oh how does anyone get through this? It has been a trmendously difficult week. Gary’s birthday on Friday. Then Halloween, – which was his favorite holiday with the kids. He always managed the jack-o-lanterns, trick or treating, coordinating costumes, and was so good at it. Then, Sunday was All Saint’s Day at church, where my son ended up being the alcholyte lighting the memorial candles as they apoke the names that those members who passed this year. It was so hard to watch. I know it was a beautiful and fitting tribute to his father – and he was so brave and mature. I was the one who could barely stay in the pew becausse I was shaking so much.
The other day, one of the newpaper articles was on the “improtance of the cnesus.” I literally almost fell over from the grief I felt over realizing I would have to tell census takers that there was now only 4 members in the household.
Today the kids were horsing around outside, and broke a wooden bench we have on the patio. That also caused me to break into tears. I just can’t do it all. Everyone wants to help, but I feel like I need help breathing.
How can we go on with half a soul?
Oh how I understand you Lisa. It is so difficult to tell the number of members in the family to any institution. I always include my loving husband’s name in any greeting, birthday card that I send. I do not know what the receiver think of me, but I don’t want to change what I have been doing for years. I don’t know whether it is wrong. Anyway I know his good wishes are always there to his family and friends. My husband’s birthday falls on 21st December. I am dreading so much. I don’t know what I will do. I remember all the funny things he would do before cutting the cake or when we wish him. He is a very funny loving person. Whoever comes home will never go out without a good laugh. He is so so adorable.
May god bless you all!
Lisa
This weekend was overwhelming for you. I experienced the same feelings at Halloween as that was Dads Holiday, then on to Church both Sat/Sun with pictorial Memorials of our dear Steven. It was like opening wounds. The snapshots of the lives of those passed this last year had pictures projected in movie theatre style showing everyone who was 70-100 years old (it showed date of birth/passing date) and included pictures when they were young and old. And then Dear Steven who is 49 pictured with his 9 year old looking so young and healthy- NO FAIR- I was not the only one gasping for air and shedding tears. A wake up call to everyone- that NO One is promised waking up in the morning! Sudden death/cardiac arrest can happen to anyone, at any age- so everyone really needs to start accepting the reality of death while we are alive (including us) and live each day as if it were our last on Earth. I mean not just say it ..but actually program your mind of this reality. I would have been better prepared if I thought this way because I never even let my wind wander down that “what if” path. I always thought Steve and I would live to grow old together, so I was in shock at the reality of it all- one day healthy and vibrant and the next day GONE. I’m not saying suffering a drawn out illness before death is any easier – but at least you have time to prepare for death, a time to say goodbye and I love you. So why can’t I consider a father in his 40′s with young children a full life- because its not-no Fair. But I have to trust Gods plan. He was perfected in a sense or had suffered on Earth enough ( as God viewed it) and they were chosen. We are left here to become more perfected- and Yes the Good do die young (sometimes even children). Dying young and receiving eternal life is not a punishment-but a reward. The only grieving that is done is those left behind, those who passed to Heaven are not grieving- we need to remind ourself of that!
Now I could not imagine how you could have the first Birthday without you Gary wrapped up with the emotion of Halloween and All Saints day! I am so proud of you for posting and getting through this. You know my 9 year old sobs every night, it breaks my heart! So hard to comfort your children when your heart and soul are mourning and grief stricken. She is the only one in her class without a Dad and she misses him and wants him back so badly. You will start to feel the power of the Holy spirit working in you and you will find acceptance and peace-we just do not know the timetable for this- God Bless and have Faith.
Jeanine- I read your post and no one really knows what happens, However, there are so many people who have clinically died and been “brought back” by artificial means, and lived through the coma/ cardiac arrest to come back and tell about their Near Death Experience (NDE). I do not believe there are thousands of people lying- they have nothing to gain by this and many of them are Pastors and religious figures. YOUR STATEMENT “I think it is highly possible that we and our loved ones are living alternative realities in other dimensions.” I never really considered this but I am open minded. Born and raised Catholic and converted to Lutheran I believe that God brings us to together and in many cases the different denominations of religion bring us apart, so this forum is not meant to promote any one religion or belief. I think some may feel uncomfortable approaching mystic beliefs for these reasons, but I am glad you expressed your feelings and possibilities of belief. What you feel in your heart no one can take away.
Have a Good week everyone!
GriefShare for Everyone!
“God wants you to pour out your emotions to Him: “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:8). He also directs you to share your emotions with others: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). O God, I know that You want me to release my emotions to You and to others. Give me the opportunity and the courage to do that. Uncork my bottled emotions so my healing can continue. “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts’” (Isaiah 55:8-9).
Holy God, teach me to grieve wisely, knowing that You truly understand my hurts and my needs and knowing that Your way for me is far better than society’s expectations of me. Amen.
For more information about GriefShare, including how to sign up for these daily emails, please visit http://www.griefshare.org/
God Bless- Denise
Thanks, Denise, for your response. I know that we are not supposed to write about specific religious beliefs on these forums, but it is difficult for me to talk about how I’m coping with my Don’s death without talking about my faith, since they are interwoven together.
On a non-mystical or faith-based note: Are others finding that coming back from trips throws you into a turmoil that is very similar to what it was like shortly after your loved one died? It has been over 16 months since my Don died from pancreatic cancer, and most the time I am fairly well ‘balanced.’ By that I mean I can function relatively contentedly from day-to-day, even though I am always longing for Don. However, after I’ve been away visiting friends and/or family for a couple of days, I find myself in an emotional upheaval and unable to function well for two or three days. It makes me feel like I don’t want to ever break my daily routine, if that is what happens, yet I know I need to get out and do different activities. Is anyone else having a similar problem?
I have not gone on a trip yet, but I can tell you that every time I open the garage door and see his car, my heart skips a beat, and for a millsecond I think “oh good! Gary’s home!” EVERY time. Every day. Usually several times a day. And then the sucker punch to the stomach feeling as reality hits once again.
One year ago today we arrived at Disney World with the kids for a wonderful week long vacation. Today, on the one year anniversay of that wonderful time, I took my 3 children to a lab to get all of them EKG’s to rule out any hereditary risk for arrythmia. It is just unimaginable, even as I am living it.
When I go away from home for a few days I usually drive myself. That time alone in the car does throw me into a depression. I don’t know if it is that the trip has broken the new routine that I am trying to establish or that my late husband and I often took such trips. Either way…I usually drive home in tears.
At first I would cry all the way home from a trip …. now I cry only part of the way.
I had a sucker punch to my gut this afternoon, when I saw a guy who looked very much like my Don. It was the first time that has happened, and it knocked me for a loop. I had to sit in my car awhile, catching my breath and calming myself. A second look showed me that he didn’t really look like Don, but that first impression took the wind out of me. Has anyone else had an experience like that?
Thanks for the GriefShare quote, Denise. I get them via email, and they are great.
I was driving home Monday from my work and I saw a Man walking down the road. He was my Stevens height and weight and haircolor/style. He wore the same jeans and jacket but was walking in the opposite direction so I could only see the back of him. As I drove by you better believe I slowed the car and looked back, only to find his face did not match. It is crazy-for a minute I was excited that a miracle had happened, and then I became very sad and started crying. So Yes this happened to me only one time since the 88 days he has been gone.
Tonight I go to a memorial at the Hospital where he was brought by ambulance and we meet in the Hospital Chapel to pray for our love ones who were pronounced dead at the Hospital. I have not been there since I went to the ER following the ambulance. I was so sure they were going to save him, so as you might imagine it was horrible to be to late to say goodbye- he had already passed. It was the hardest thing in my whole life to kiss him goodbye, laying their lifeless. The cold on my lips as I kissed his forehead cut through my heart like a knife. I will never forget that pain as long as I live. Right then and there the realization that our life had changed forever. Telling my 9 year old her Father had passed when I returned home was also very painful. I had hoped at a minimum he would still be alive at least long enough for us to say goodbye. Some parts of me do not want to walk back in the hospital tonight, but other parts of me say I must as a part of healing. God Bless
How do you get the griefshare quotes via e-mail?
Terre
For more information about GriefShare, including how to sign up for these daily emails, please visit http://www.griefshare.org/
SInce I hca already brought up the Psychic thing, and someone else brought up more mystical Christian beliefs, I will share another experience I have recently had. Do any of you feel you have been “visited” by your loved ones in your dreams? Gary came to me twice very soon after he died. Once because he was concerned about my financial situation, and the other time I totally believe it was to let me know he was ok, and to give he a chance to embrace him again.
Since then, I have been reading on how to encourage these “visits” and I do not have success every night, as I would love, but he has come to me the psat two nights. It was that sucker punch feeling again, because in my dream, I saw him – first in the shadows of our hallway, and I thought oh my God he looks like Gary. And then he came into the light, and it was him. I know we talked, but I cannot remember what was said. I think I asked him something he either could not or should ot answer, because then he suddenly kind of disappeared. But later, I was another “dream” where I was outside with the kids, and I looked around the corner of the house, annd again – sucker punch feeling – because I thougtht someone who looked like Gary was there. But again it was him. Again, I cannot remember what we said to each other. I know much of this encounter was through eye contact and :looks” we gace each other – as if we could not openly talk because other people were there.
The only reason I can explain for why I strongly believe these are not “just dreams” is because of how he looks. He is COMPLETELY clear – with the emphasis on his face. there is a different light on him, around him, within him, or something. It is hard to explain.
I am so thankful for these encounters. What I have prayed for is to be able to continue a relationship with Gary in some tangible way, and I think this is probably one of the only ways available. I pray they continue and that we both become more “skilled” at it with time and practice.
Has anyone else had this experience?
Lisa
Thank you Denise. I have signed up for GriefSharing. I should receive the first offering tomorrow. Love and Blessings to you and everyone else on this site.
Dear Lisa,
I have had such experiences of seeing my dear Barry in my dreams right after he left this physical plane. We were allowed to be together. We were so happy and excited to see each other. We both jumped up and down, hugging and kissing each other. Barry came to see me with a couple of other beings. They were trying to explain to me as to why Barry left me behind. Barry apologized to me. Barry told me that his body was too sick. Then, I woke up. The dream was so real.
Then, in another month or so, Barry came to see me in my dreams. We were embracing each other. Then all of sudden I felt Barry’s hand on my toushy. I woke up suddenly, saying “Wow”!!!! I know that was very real. That was a Sunday night. I drove to work with a big ole grin on my face the next morning.
I do believe there are different planes that we can be on. We just do not understand it all the time.
Right after Barry left and I was trying to take care of his business that he left behind. I was working on his computer in the early morning hours. I heard a banging by his desk. I looked up and went back to work. The banging came again. I knew it was my Barry signaling to me. I told me that I knew, but I had to take care of things that he left behind. I spoke to him.
A few days later at the living room window by the front door, the banging came again. I told Barry that I knew he was there. He knew that I know about the different planes of existence. The banging never came back again.
I had gone to see a physic about four months after my Barry left. I was worried about him and I was grieving so much. I wanted to make sure that Barry crossed into the light. I knew he was hanging around waiting for me. Both Barry and I are very spiritual people. We met thru our spirituality. The physic told me that Barry and I have known each other for so many life times. We had made pledges and promises to each other over and over again. Talk about soulmates!!! Barry had one foot into the light, but he was hanging back. Because I love my Barry and I want him to continue on his spiritual journey, I had the physic help me to release all of the promises and vows that we made. It was like a shackle, holding him back. I told Barry to continue on and do what God wants him to do. I told Barry not to give God, such a hard time. I smile, because I know my Barry. It was the unconditional love that I carry to be able to release him. I have my faith, that we will be together again. It is the deep love that we have. I love my Barry so.
I have found my spiritual family, where I do not have to feel so alone. We all share the different beliefs systems and talk about things. I will be ordained as a Reverend in January of 2010. My Barry was a Reverend, also. I am carrying on our plans and work together. I know that Barry is walking right by my side holding my hand. Our dreams are not lost and forsaken.
I had gone to fundraising event for our Church recently. I actually danced! I finally allow a little joy and happiness to creep into the cracks of my heart.
Thank you everyone for allowing me to share this with you all.
Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
November 7, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Dear Ones -
Thanks to you who have told us about Griefshare.
What a wonderful resource. We need all the help we can get.
But don’t abandon us over here. We need to hear how you are doing in person.
Much love,
Corinne
Gary, can you see me.? Do you know the pain I am in? I feel guilty because I think my pain is causing him pain. I am so tired. Yet sleep does not help. I feel like sinking into quicksand. Like a deep depression would be easier to live with… if I jjust stopped trying so hard to function… to exist.
I sent the children to sleep overs last night so I could have alone time. The awful thing is, I am dreading their coming home. Then I will have to function again. And I am so tired.
There is so much advise to take one moment at a time and to not think abou the future. But the future slaps me in the face constantly. How can I raise our children without him? There is no light at the end of the tunnel. there is no end to the tunnel.
Lisa been thinking about you and everyone on the site. I wish I could bring Gary back for you and your family, and my beloved Steven back to my daughter and I. There is not a single waking moment I do not think of him. I have to keep reminding myself it is the ones left behind that suffer the most, that are loved ones are in a place much better than where we are and they are not feeling the pain we are. At the same time I know my Steven never expected to die. He was sure to live to his 80′s like his mother and Father. He NEVER thought he would die and that makes me so sad because he wanted to be here- it was NOT his choice and he did not even know he was sick. So Yes I get angry at God and that is OK- God understands and forgives. I do not like Gods plan because it was not what Steven wanted, what I wanted or what my 9 year old wanted. It is what it is and one day it will all make sense to us. For now we are left to SUFFER a horible pain.
There is light at the end of the tunnel although it may not seem like it now. It is too soon, but you will get better- we will all get better with time and find Peace. No we will never be the same here on earth without our loved ones and we do not like what is left of our life. God understands this. You will be surprised where your strength comes from, and drawing from it leaves you weak, but God will give you strength to go on, to function. I will pray for you and everyone on the site. Sometimes I just think OH DARN and I get so mad. I cry, I sob, I whimper in pain like I have been stabbed. I have never felt so hopeless, empty, angry, sad, tired and depressed. I am waiting for Peace and Hope to trust Gods Plan. Peace has not come to me yet either so I know exactly how you feel. This will be the hardest thing in life, but you would not feel this way if you had not truly loved. We are paying the price for loving someone so much, something some people never experience. So even though the love on Earth with our soul mate, husband, father of our children did not last as long as we wanted, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Or is it? Sometimes I wish I had never met Steven because then I would not be in such pain. But then I would not have my beautiful child either, so I try real hard to accept.
I have to work full time and endure all of this at my 9 to 5 job. I have to pretend everything is OK and that I am fine, but inside I am suffering unbearable pain- the pain we all feel. So for now we must go on, trying to function, because that is what our husbands and God want us to do. Please stay strong and thanks for sharing your feelings. If nothing else it makes me feel “not so alone” that perhaps I’m not alone in this horrible journey of grief here on earth. God Bless and keep the FAITH.
Denise, it is so comforting to read your words! You eloquently echo my feelings and thoughts. I, too, do not like life without my Don, but am deeply thankful for my blessings…… especially the two children Don and I produced together, and their families. I’m gradually having more peaceful days now, 16 months after Don died. But, the grief still overwhelms me frequently, and Don is always on my mind and in my heart. I love him so dearly! I thank God for him constantly, and for the assurance that my future is with him and our Lord. I, also, urge everyone to KEEP THE FAITH.
Denise and Jeanine are so right on with how I am feeling. Anger, sadness, joy for having loved a wonderful man, and always thinking and thinking. Thinking about the days ahead. The next month will be tough for me. Bill died of cancer on Feb. 2, 2009. The last meal he ate was Thanksgiving dinner. This year it will be particularly sad remembering the nice time we had and seeing all the photos we took last year. The next day after Thanksgiving is his birthday. He was always so silly about his birthday…he loved it. I loved him. It will be tough. Then comes my birthday which he always made fun and Christmas. I can do this…I have to.
Twitter: miraclady
November 12, 2009 at 4:07 am
Dear Teresa -
This first year is the hardest one. You go through the first of everything, birthdays, holidays, anniversaries -
The anticipation of the date is worse than the actual day when it comes. It looms before you.
Not that the next year will be easy – but oh – that first one. I remember it and wished I could just sleep through it and wake up when it was over.
When the date actually comes, you will be surprised. Chances are the time will slide by until it is done.
If you can, make plans for each day even if it is to be alone – but plan what you will do.
Give his birthday and holiday present to someone who needs it for him. He would probably like that.
You you can do this. You have to. You have company here.
When does this ever become “real”? I walk around in a fog. I believe I have come to a level of … acceptance is not the right word, because this will never be acceptable, but you know what I mean. BUT. Whenever I see his picture, and think about his being gone, I always, think “this just can’t be…. how can this happen?… It just cannot be real.” I feel him with me. I have conversations with him that I hope and pray are not just in my imagination. I have been trying to “actively try to get better,” with all of this. But it just doesn’t seem possible.
I was one of those young girls/women who dreamed of my happily ever after. I did not receive my dream as quickly as I had wanted. I was 28 when we got married. But from the moment we got together, my dreams all came true and then some. I know whith every fiber of my soul that my purpose in this life is to be his wife and the mother of our children. So now where am I. I have to face raising our family without him. I don’t know who I am. I am that dreaded “W” word, but I will never be single. I have made a vow to myself that unless it seems of legal importance, I will not mark “single”on any form. If the w word is not an option, I will mark married.
My friend and neighbor stopped by toonight to hand deliver an invitation to her son’s wedding. She said her son and fiance did not know “what they should put on the invitation,” and she could not bear the thought of me getting it in the mail NOT saying Mr. And Mrs… Actually that was one of the first every day things that upset me terribly. When making out all of the thank you cards, I realized that I will never again receive mail – except junk mail – addressed to Mr. and Mrs. That just rips so much of my identity from my very soul. It hurts so much…
thanks for listening.
I don’t know whether it is imagination. I hope and pray it is not. I hear someone talking to me. Could it be my husband. It is not clear. This is when I am alone. I try so very hard to listen, but in time I hope, I will be able to listen more clearly.
It was heart breaking yesterday when I went to this state office to fill in a form for a claim. The lady seated at the entrance had no feelings, when she asked questions from me. Am I taking it personally I don’t know. I tried to reason with my self, after all she is doing her duty. There are hundreds of women she must be coming across. I don’t know. I tried my best not to break in front of everyone.
Thanks for letting me pour out my heart.
Dear Lisa,
I have been walking in a fog for the past year and ten months. It gets a bit confusing at times as to where I am. Then, I remember I was living in the space of time with my Barry. It is not quite in the present. I am trying to get a clearer hear and get control of myself so I can survive somehow.
Somewhere, there is a stigma about widows, widowers and singles. It is about couples…People feel uncomfortable.
We do exist.
Mary
Twitter: miraclady
November 12, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Dear Ones -
I wrote a new article today which was inspired by all of you.
Please click on the link below and read it.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/you-will-never-get-over-it-loss-of-a-love/
I love you all.
Corinne
This is directed to Lisa. I read your posts and my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find some comfort in the midst of this terrible time of grief and shock. Can I ask you, when did your husband die? I went back through your posts and couldn’t find this information. The reason I ask is because my fiance died at what I consider a fairly young age and I felt like he was ripped from my life. It has all felt like a bad dream and I wished and wished to wake up and find him lying next to me. I could even picture myself telling him about the horrible dream where he had died and I was left all alone and I could picture him laughing and smiling and reassuring me that he wasn’t going anywhere and not to worry about it. I could picture him telling me that he would live a long, long time because his father is still alove and still working his ranch even though he’s in his 80′s! But I still haven’t woke up and the nightmare continued for a long time. But I’m here to tell you that eventually this bad period in your life will pass and you’ll enter a happier time. You’ll never, ever forget your husband and it will take a lot of time before you get to a point where you can go through your day and not feel “triggered” but dozens of events and sights that remind you your husband is no longer with you. But it will happen. Eventually, enough time will pass and you’ll get to a point where you’ll have more perspective on why things happened the way they did. Just be patient and be kind to yourself. Involve yourself in as many activities as you can. I think the key is to try to live life to its fullest because no one knows how much time they have left. Try to get some enjoyment out of at least one thing each day and build from there. Your husband wouldn’t want to see you miserable. I don’t know him but I suspect he wouldn’t want to be around you if you were always miserable. He probably didn’t marry you because you were miserable all the time. There is so much life left to live and your children to enjoy. Just remember that you’re teaching your children how to deal with life’s difficult moments – you’re actually setting an example of how to handle grief – you’re actually teaching them how to grieve. I know it’s hard, but you can also draw strength from your kids. They are so resilent, so capable of living in the moment. Try to play with them and be in the moment with them. Don’t dwell on all the years ahead. You don’t have any control over that. All you can do is live in the moment and get through each day with as much happiness as possible. Be grateful for what you do have and not what you don’t. Things could always be worse than they are, and I promise you that things will definitely get better.
I thought I was having a better day. I really was. I felt stronger, and the pain was bearable. Then, again – as I pushed the button to open the garage door – I saw his car. And AGAIN – for a aplit second I thought “Oh wow – Gary’s home early!” But he’s never coming home again. And now I just sit here and cry. I just want him back.
Lisa, I know exactly how you feel. I think we all do. We want our old lives back, with our loved ones healthy and happy. When we realize (over and over again, since everything in us fights against the thought) that they aren’t coming back again in this life…. we cry. We wail. We scream. It is something we have to do…. I so wish none of us had to go through this. But, we are together is this, and we can comfort each other. I thank our Lord for that!
It has been a little over 3 months and I am really missing Steven. I go to bed so sad, and wake up so sad. I can’t get watching him die out of my head I still can’t believe he is gone. The sudden and unexpected cardiac arrest has left me in a place I have never been before. I still blame myself that I did not make him go to the Doctor they might have found something wrong that could have prevented the cardiac arrest. I just miss him so much. Our 9 year old is so upset about not being able to say goodbye to her Father while he was alive. Children are so honest! The other night she was sobbing: Mom I would have spent more time with Dad and been extra nice to him if I had known he was going to die. I know how bad the guilt feels so I reassured her that her Father loved her, and he knew that she loved him and that she did spend a whole lot of time with him. He worked 6 days a week so family time was precious. I told her we did have the chance to say Goodbye when we spent 10 days and nights with him just 10 days before his passing on our roadtrip vacation. We just did not know at that time we were saying goodbye. I thank God for that time together it was so special- even more special now having the recent photo’s, videos and precious memories. I also thank God that he was home here with us when God took his hand, as scary as it was, looking back I would not have wanted it to be on vacation, at work, while he was away from home. He was at home here with us and I see that now as a blessing even though it was so very hard to watch happen. The hardest thing I will ever see in my whole life I never felt so helpless. I had no idea he was dying- none- and then suddenly gone ..there is not a day that goes by that I have not broken down and cried my heart out. Sudden unexpected death without warning is torture you simply never have closure. He was in the Hospital the day he was born, and the day he died, never any break in between to say all those things we wanted to say when someone is ill. Hopefully things will get easier..we just miss him so much!!
I’m so glad you can write out your thoughts and feelings, Denise. They are therapeutic for us as well as for you. Thanks, again, Corinne, for providing this forum for us.
I went into Macy’s yesterday with my mom & when getting ready to leave heard I’ll Be Home For Christmas playing in there & it hit me. Mike won’t be home for Christmas. Just broke my heart. I wanted to cry but couldn’t in public. When I got to the car I broke down in pieces. My mom said I should dwell on it but how can you not when reminders like that pop up all over the place? Christmas music is so sad now. How I am supposed to go thru Christmas without him? I think I’ve broke down crying at least 3 times this week over him . I miss him so much. My parents told me the other day that I should be over it by now & it’s been along time now. I told them but March was only yesterday. It is right now and I will NEVER EVER get over losing him.
Last week I was laying in bed one nite & he came & touched me on the arm twice like an index finger was touching me. I could not see him tho, it was like his spirit was there. I said Mike Harrell quit scaring me like that. I want you to come and visit but please don’t scare me when you do. Being a Christian with the Bible saying they don’t get to come home from Heaven, I don’t think he can come back for a real visit in his body. I do believe tho from this & him touching me on my should one nite in bed, that his spirit ocan come for a minute or two to show you a sign that he cares. Sun I went to his grave. Sundays after church is my time to visit him a few minutes. Our special time together now. I do talk to him every day tho. had in the vase on the marker a pink or white rose which I put in after he passed even tho I have other flowers in there too & rotate different ones around by seasons. Well there was the rose laying on his marker so perfectly as if he had laid it there specially for me. I think he left it there for me to give me a rose. And since he can go out & buy on for me from heaven, he used that one. I told my folks about it & my mom thinks either it got put there by the storm or it fell out & a worker laid it there. I told her I don’t think so cuz the storm wouldn’t have laid it there so pretty & perfectly and if it were a worker that had done it, they would’ve put it back in the vase. I think he may have been trying toe make up for scaring me in bed touching me like that.
Also Sunday a car drove in front of me with Romans 7 on the license pate. So I looked it up to see what it said after I got back home & it was talking in there about how when the widows husband dies she is free to remarry & it’s not adultery but if she is still married it is adultery to have an affair with another man. Okay so maybe God is tell me it’s okay to remarry if I want but I don’t want to. I am married to him forever in my heart. I love you Mike. I go back & forth between crying over him and not believing he’s gone and feeling as if he never existed but was just a good dream I had for 26 yrs.
Right now I am going back & forth between crying over him, not believing he’s gone & writing on here. I so feel for you all. Things so of you have said on here I have felt them to & can so relate. We are all sisters brought together sadly by the loss of our husbands. So glad to have this place to share. Grief support is Thurs & they are gonna talk about surviving the holidays without your loved one. I need that cuz I know I am not gonna survive it very well. We had such wonderful Christmases together. He never even lived long enough to wear his new diabetic socks I got him at Christmas. I want him back so bad. I beg him to come back & he never will. I love you Mike…
So sorry about the typos. I just noticed them. You type too fast & the words transpose. My baby passed at home. Even tho I too hated to see it I was glad it was at home & not while we were out somewhere…
Hi everybody,
It is that time of the year again, when we celebrate the Holidays. Barry and I always opened up our home to everybody that did not have a place to go to. Since I am a Chef by profession, I did all the cooking with joy. All of our friends would come.
I saw some comments about how the family of the husband would disappear. It seems that the whole relationship was surreal. Did it really happened? Because of my Reverend Barry, I am carrying on a new life. We gave each other very special gifts. We were only together for four and five months.
Barry’s brother and his wife are coming down to celebrate Thanksgiving with me. They are my brother and sister in-laws. They have stayed in touched with me the past year and ten months. We are keeping up the tradition of Thanksgiving. This is for you, Barry!
I cried a little today at work. My co-worker and I were speaking about Thanksgiving. She mentioned Eggnog. I suddenly remembered how much Barry loved Eggnog. We would get it from Whole Foods Market. We would tiptoe around to see if it was on the shelf. You can see the happiness on Barry’s face. He would even use it in his coffee.
My sister in-law and I are going to my Sacred Circle with Medicine Signs to say blessings and prayers on Wednesday coming up.
I love you, Barry my King.
Your sweet wife and Queen,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I am so depressed I could scream. I had to move in with my folks after Mike went, cuz I couldn’t afford to live alone being a homemaker. And had to rent my house out to get some income. My mom had mentioned something about maybe getting a slim Christmas tree this yr so Thurs after going to grief support I picked one up in Big Lots I had seen on sale and got some nice colored multi faceted led lights for their main tree cuz they have the clear white lights on it & Mike & I always liked the colored ones cuz they were more Christmasy looking. (No offense to anyone who likes the clear white lights better). I picked up a few more things for decorating like cute garland and a lighted tree top that was similar to the one Mike & I had. My mom said she wants the tree taken back cuz it’s too scrawny so we’d use the one she had. No prob there I could put the colored lights on the tree they already have along with the white clear lights that are already on it, to make it more Christmasy looking. So we did helping my folks with it, except one set is burned out & we’d have to exchange for another one and we need another set cuz 3 is not enough and 4 is what we need.
Well my mom started squawking to take back the garland. She does not want me decorating with it (And what I was gonna do with it was gonna be really nice) and then she complained she didn’t want to use the lighted topper and to take it back cuz she wants to use an angel she uses on the top of it. And the angel does not light up either. I can kind of hang with that, it’s just I hate being told what to do when I will be 50 in a yr & 1/2. And worse yet she is now complaining about how I had to change her way to decorating the tree by adding colored lights to it. They don’t understand that I want to honor Mike memory & that I was used to decorating a certain way with Mike & don’t want to lose that. I can’t even have a life or a Christmas now that he’s gone. Can’t eve decorate or Christmas the way I want to. She thinks I am coming and taking over their lives and changing things on them.They have done alot to help me out since Mike died & I appreciate it. But I just can’t take this losing my life on top of losing him.
I am so hysterical I am crying myself silly & just feel like getting in my car & driving as far as I can go & never ever coming back to this dumb state. But I can’t. I couldn’t afford to go anywhere and my mom is gonna have knee surgery next week so I gotta take care of her & my dad with that. Now I am so depressed and I already stay depressed enough of the time. Sigh…
Things have calmed down now with my mom. She just had plenty of garland & didn’t need anymore. But still my Christmases with Mike are gone…
Cheryl
I am sure Mike will be with throughout the holidays and always. Write to him, may be greeting cards, letters keep them in the christmas tree, may be inside a gift, or in an envelope so that no one will see (If you don’t want anyone to see). Buy him a gift for mike, you can give it to someone who will need him.
May peace prevail with all of you, and god give you all the strength to carry on.
Hugs
Zulaifa
Thanks for the info and support. I am doing better now. Just not the same without him tho…
I hope everyone has a Thanksgiving that is the best it can be. It will be very hard without our loved ones-very hard. I wish we could just skip Thanksgiving and Christmas but life goes on and we must go on with it!
God Bless!
I made it through my first Thanksgiving and his birthday. Now just my birthday and Christmas, New year and the 1 year anniversary of his death. I can do this.
thank for the lovely letter,i learnt a lot,I lost my husband in 05 august 2009,he just corlpused and die with out living any massege,my his soul rest in peace,i loved his ,I still do,he was doing everything for me,he took care of every thing in the house.I mis him.I talk about him everyday.he was my friend ,tiwn and a brother.we use to go together all the time,but now i could not go shopping,i go from work to school and go back home.i’m scade to sleep alone in the house,i alway invite my sister in-law to sleep with me.
I even had problems with my in laws they was to take what belongs to me,they even frame that my husband had another wife just to get hold of the estate.after his death i never had happiness what do i do to regain my happiness,plz sister help me.i don’t even have a child or anyperson close.
Twitter: miraclady
December 2, 2009 at 7:29 am
Dear Noxolo -
DO NOT TRY TO HANDLE THIS YOURSELF.
GET AN ATTORNEY RIGHT AWAY.
I am so sorry.
dear Corinne
I have a lawyer actual after I met my lawyer its much better ,he told me to relax and he has just made thing easier for me.I’m now a bit relaxed but i can not stop thinking about my husband.well to all the single ladies,I’m becoming better every day,yesterday i went to visit my friend who happen to have cancer,I spoke to her try to return her spirit of hope.Losing my husband is one of the sharp bullet that almost killed my heart,but i just told my self that I am not going to die alive.guyz we need to pull through the is no other way.if u feel pity for yourself and u go around look for pity u’re destroying yourself and u can be easily became a victim.guys we need to wear a brave face and act upon.love u all single ladies.
when i was abused by my in-laws,i just told myself i need to write a book tell the people my story,I’m young but I had to be brave stand my ground yet I was griefing.girl ,it is not easy but life there are things we cannot change,were u just have to be strong and wise as well.how can you do that while in pain one would ask that?.I did. I prayed and went to seek the relavant info about my problem,read more about what i should do or say.My lawyer was the best help and his still is.
Twitter: miraclady
December 4, 2009 at 11:29 am
Dear Teresa -
Congratulations. You made it through the the first of the hard ones.
That first year is the worst.
I am not saying later years are easy – but I will never forget that first one. The only good thing is that it gives you confidence that you will survive after all.
Not much. But something.
The problem is that there are times that I’m not so sure I really want to survive. There are times I get so discouraged by the world and the way my life is without my husband that I long to be out of it all and with him, especially since I know that he is where we all are being prepared to go. I’m not thinking suicide…. just that I don’t like this life without the man who was the delight of my life.
The times of feeling like this don’t occur as often as they did during the first year (it has been over 17 months since he died), but they definitely still happen.
Dear Jeanine,
I feel the same way at times. It is so much harder, when holidays and memories comes around. It is very hard, when I have a hard day at work. I struggle so hard to make it thru. At times, I feel like giving up. Why am I stuggling so hard.? I lost my support system. I feel so alone at times. It is not so easy to find someone to share intimate thoughts and feelings. Others have their own problems.
It is hard to find a meaning in this economy of ours today. There is still a domino effect going on, making our lives much harder. Our security is gone. Our value and equity in our homes are gone. Can we start all over again?
All I know, is my spirituality. I do not have anything else, anymore. The material things do not have any more meaning to me. But I have to think things thoroughly so I can survive somehow. Be Gentle. Work at maintaining the peace and love that your husband found and carry. Do meditations. That is what carries me through some how. It is a very hard hard to travel on. But, I eventually know that my rewards will come to me at the end. My heart will be pure. My spirit will be pure. I will shine brightly and my dearest Barry will be waiting for me with open arms. I did not take the quick way out. Taking the quick ways out will take you on a different path. You will have to keep on repeating the situations, until you get it.
My sweet Barry will be gone from this plane, two years ago on January 26th. We were married on January 21st. I have close friends and my spiritual family. I have to do meditations to quiet all of the turmoils.
Hang in there, Jeanne. Peace and love be with you.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
The price we pay for losing our soulmate. The price of loving one so dearly and losing them brings new meaning to the word pain. A pain so deep and aching that we feel we can’t go on. I also feel like I am walking around half alive, you are not alone. Such a big part of me has left this earth. But my Soulmate who brought sunshine to my every day, is a bright lit star waiting for me in heaven. It is OK to be profoundly sad, not because we don’t have faith, but because we miss our loved one more as time goes on. It has been 4 months and the healing continues. Do I hang up the Daddy ornaments on the tree? Do I wear the wedding ring on my finger? Do I hang his stocking on the mantle? How can I go cut down a fresh christmas tree without him? I can, I have to, he would want me to do that for the sake of our 9 year old child. I feel so out of control, who was I to think that I was ever in control? It was never my plan, it was and will continue to be Gods plan. It did not match our plan, not even close! Reprogramming my mind is not an easy thing to do my future and all my hopes and dreams have been stripped away. I really have no other choice other to than accept what is present- so hard. I have the past, I have the memories and they will never fade from our heart and soul. One day Gods plan will be revealed and we will understand the enescapable love he has for all of us!! God Bless.
Thanks for your kind and meaningful words, Mary and Denise. All we can do is take each day as it comes, asking for God’s strength, guidance and peace to get us through each one. That’s how I’m enduring.
single ladie what up today!!!!!!I NOX again strenght i have is so much eveyday,my life is getting better everyday,charting is one of the most important things in times of sorrows,listening to music is also the key.Guy no one can replace my husband but I just found myself a malefriend(not a boy friend it is to soon to think about that)we chart everyday (we normal chart about my husband,how good he was,how special he is to me)I do have friends believe me, they would like to listen but they are busy with their problems,and I understand,this new friend chart with me,he calls me in the morning during lunch hour and in the evening.everyday i talk about my husband,and I’m healing.I never saw him,we are just charting.he calls me by mistake,he was not looking for me,he was lost and becuase my voice was down,ask me why am I so sad?,I told him the story.he is a very nice person. he understand me better.he is not a stranger to mi anymore.
guys life is not that easy,i even realise that some wars u need other hand to fight,but not in a desparate way,pray to god to help u out,try to find someone who is far from u,whom you can only chart with him,not seeing him,because if u see him they can be mixed feeling (believe me u don’t need another confusion right now)like I’m in mthatha,I chart with a man who is in Cape town.I learn about this in a soap called generations in SABC 1TV.CHARTING TO YOU GUYS is also my source of strenght.
I never wanted this year to be anything but happy. I was turning 40 and looking forward to the next decade with my man. I hoped that my Mum would last long enough to see her baby reach 40.
Nae such luck, as they say around my way. Mum passed away on 5th November, and my husband Martin passed away on the 1st December. I don’t know what to do next. Mum had cancer and Martin had only been diagnosed 6 months ago with Motor Nuerone Disease.
I feel like I want to tell the whole world, its not fair, I was supposed to grow old with this man and I’m a bloody widow at 39. I want my mum, but that’s not happening either. We didn’t have any kids, thankfully easier through his illness, but at least I’d have something to distract me, help me get back to some sort of normality.
I’m sorry, I read this, and I couldn’t stop typing.
Thanks for listening.
Nx
‘ :@
I wish I had paid more attention to everything Steven did around the house. I feel completely useless I can’t even figure out how to get the Cho- Cho- train working around the Christmas tree for our daughter. I am learning about the furnace, water softner, humidifier. I dare not try the snowblower or any tools I might hurt myself:-(
We miss him soooo much in so many ways. So on top of profoundly sad, devestated, shocked that he is gone, scared and mad I am frustrated. Gosh I love him more every day- is that possible or am I crazy? God Bless!
First thanks for your site – it’s good to know I’m not alone in my feelings. It’s been 10 days since my husband suddenly died of a heart attack. It’s all so overwhelming right now. Today was the first time I ventured out of the house alone, just to pick up a few necessary items at the store – all of a sudden I was overcome with anxiety – I couldn’t get home soon enough. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up because I thought I heard him calling me from upstairs – it seemed so real that for a brief moment I thought – wow that was a really bad dream – but the dream was thinking I heard him calling me. He was so much more than my husband – he was my confidant and best friend and now he’s not here for me to confide in and share this pain I’m feeling. I just can’t get past the feeling that he should be coming home soon. “They” say it will get better with time – and maybe it will but right now it’s hard to imagine life as just “me” and not “us”.
No, you aren’t crazy, Denise. I, too, love my man more each day, and I’m sure it is because I’m being prepared to spend eternity with him, and our Lord.
I’m glad you are writing to us, Norma and Noxolo. We’re here for you!
I know exactly what you mean, Terri. ‘They’ are right, though… it does eventually get better. It’s been almost 18 months since my confidant and best friend died from pancreatic cancer. I still have times of feeling lost, but I’m having more periods of time where I feel strong. He’ll always be my only love, but I am learning to accept life without him.
Hi Jeanine and everyone,
It is 22 months since I lost my dear Barry due to lung cancer. There are longer spells of feel stronger. Then, when I have my feeling lost time, I honor it and the love that we carry. It is always there. I allow my heart to be filled with love and just let it flow thru my whole being.
It is funny, but I say the same thing also, that our love gets stronger as time goes on. I thought that I was imagining it. It is true.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Well today my husbands death certificate arrived. After years of doing genealogy work and researching and collecting death certificates I never thought I would have one for my husband or see my own name as the surviving spouse. He wanted to be cremated and in spite of my own feelings I followed his wishes, but I told his girls that they would have to deal with them – I just can’t deal with his ashes to think that is all that is left of him is just more than I can handle. I know it’s rediculous but that’s just me I guess. I’m so overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done – even after talking to the person that prepared our trust – I just feel like I’m loosing everything – I’m not, we took great care in making sure that when the day came that one or both of us was gone that our financial needs would be taken care of but I can’t get over the feeling of impending doom……. Maybe it’s partly because I don’t have him to talk it out with – I’ll be glad when this passes……
When I was a child I had a frequent dream where I was walking alone on a scaffold into a black void and I could only see a short distance ahead. I felt lost and terrified. I’ve had that same feeling many times since my Don died. I am again walking alone into that black void, and I can only see one day at a time. But, this time it is not a dream, and I am comforted by my ever-increasing faith in God, who strengthens me. Without out that faith, I would be insane.
Today, I put up my first Christmas tree. I gave up Christmas for Martin, as he didn’t like decorations, trees, movies or Christmas music, except for Porky Pig’s rendition of Blue Christmas, if you’ve not heard it, then please google it, as it will put a smile on your face.
I feel all excited, showing the tree to our wedding picture, telling Martin that this is what I’ve always wanted. I don’t feel silly our that I’m losing my mind. I feel contented knowing that although Martin isn’t here, I have a Christmas tree that I can watch and think of my man.
I feel like I’ve not grieved properly yet. With my mum passing and then Martin, less than 4 weeks later, I feel I’ve got a long way to go yet. I’m not sleeping as well as I’d like and I find the house really quiet. Strange dreams.
I’d always believed that the spirit stays with us, but when my mum passed I couldn’t feel her spirit with me anymore. The same with Martin, I watched the life pass from him, looked at the love in his eyes and then the lifeless shell that had yet to pass. I want them to be here, I want to hear their voices, to tell me everything will be ok,I love them and miss them both so much.
Norma
well where to begin, so mixed up… my husband died last year, but he didn’t know me, and he had gotten sick in 1987. alot was on my plate, taking care of kids and him. when he turned into a baby, total care I took care of him 24/7. Well I met this man on the internet my kids knew about him, they told me to go out with him.. since I had no life, well I did and to make a long story short he wanted to marry me, when my husband had passed, I told him no..way to soon for me, i still love my husband. well we broke it off now I feel very quilty for going out with him when my husband was still alive, but i justified it by saying he doesn’t know who I am anymore.. and now I want to find someone to love me, but I don’t know how. I have tried but this quilty feeling comes over me, and I think how can i tell some one what i did, cheating on a dieing man, all I ever wanted was to be loved, I would see other couples together and wish I had that. He just was sick for so long, I quit my job to do home care for him.. I married him at 14, no I wasn’t pregnant. My mom had let me, because we were so poor we had no food most the time and had even lived in parks, so i think she knew he would take care of me. which he did, we never really had money and he didn’t leave me anything, insurance or otherwise. But I loved him, as much as a kid could, we were together 48 years. I wanted something better for my kids than I had, my dad an alcholic. So he was in and out of my moms life all through mine. She died and he did 2 yrs later, so i raised my sister and helped with 2 other sisters. So I never had my own life, now I’m faced with it and don’t even know how to go about a date, because I never really had a teenage life. Now I feel alone and old. People say i look good, but when I’m around men I don’t know what to even say.. All I ever knew was to work, and take care of people.. so here I am so confused and quilty, just wanted someone to talk with that might have some insight.. I have an apt. but and 2 of my kids live nearby, I’m just so lonely for what I see other couples have.. thanks for listening..tiki
Twitter: miraclady
December 12, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Dear Tiki -
Please put all this past behind you.
You did not cheat on your husband. Only his body was there. Not the person you spent so many years with.
You know, all we can do is the best we can do.
Forgive yourself because you have already been forgiven.
Move on now. This is a new chapter. The old book is finished.
My husband’s birthday is on the 21st December. I am dreading every passing second. His parents wants me and the kids visit them and spend the whole of that week with them. It is quite a long way a 6 hours drive. It will be the first trip I am taking after his passing away. I just can’t, I have been avoiding this trip almost a year. I can’t say no to his parents or my kids any more. I try to put a brave face. I can’t I am breaking down every time I think. My husband loves this time of the year and April and August the months he is able to visit his parents, because he gets to spend about week with no work, just relaxing with his parents and siblings, talking about the past, taking the kids to the park and shopping visiting his relatives. How can I go without him. My kids are so excited that we are going. I wish I can tell them that we can make it next year. I wish I can take the trip to him.
Dear Zulaifa, you have to make this trip. You need to take your children to see their grandparents and the rest of your family. Just because your husband is no longer here, his family don’t stop being your family.
Let the grandparents take the kids and give yourself a chance to have some alone time, in a house that your husband obviously loved. See the memories as you walk from room to room and remember the happy times you have had there.
Make the trip a fitting memory to your husbands family and share in the sadness and the joy, when his birthday comes around.
Be strong and take strength, knowing your husband would be very proud of you, making this trip at the most difficult time of the year.
Much love
Normaxxx
‘ :@
Zulaifa,
I agree with Norma — it sounds like it would be best if you took the trip…. best for your kids and your in-laws, and best for you, especially if you feel your in-laws are loving and supportive of you. It will be hard for you, but afterward you will be glad you did the right thing for your family, and for your husband.
I know exactly what you mean about wanting to “take the trip to him.” I feel the same way about my husband. But, that is not our call. Our Creator left us here without our husbands for a reason, and we are to be ready to do whatever it is He has planned for us. Easier said (or written) than done, as I so well know!
Well-intentioned people sometimes tell me that my husband would want me to do this or that, but I know that no one except our Creator knows what our husbands would or would not want us to do. However, based on my 45 years with my husband I do know that he would not want me to be suffering for the rest of my earthly life. He would want me to do as I am doing: Seeking direction and deliverance from our Creator. Beyond that, all I know to do is to take one day at a time, and to do a lot of praying along the way.
Please let us know how your trip goes when you get back.
Hi Everyone
How hard this time of year is the first Christmas without your loved one is very painful. It has been 4 months and I still at times can’t believe he is gone we miss him so much. My 9 year old seems bitter at times that everyone else has a Dad on Earth and hers went up to Heaven. I do have profound hope that we will see each other again and that brings comfort. How lonely it is without him here- very lonely. Everyone is celebrating and we are still mourning and grieving this sudden and unexpected loss. One day vibrant, healthy and so full of life and laughter…the next day GONE. I will never get over trying to understand what happened – how someones heart could just stop beating and have cardiac arrest without a heart attack, sickness or pain. I guess only God knows and there must have been a reason he was taken from us, but I still feel guilty that maybe I did not see signs that he was ill. He was losing weight I should have made him go to the doctor- if I did maybe he would be alive. Anyways just wanted to let everyone know we are still Ok just profoundly sad. This time of year is so very hard I hope God can give us a little more strength to get through the holidays. Watching a loved one die suddenly and unexpectedly is an image that will never be able to get out of my head. How at the time it never occurred to me he was dying. Oh how I wish I could have somehow known. I wish he would have been sick for a day or two in the hospital so that we could have said goodbye. God Bless everyone!
I can so relate because my Mike went a similar way. Sudden heart attack. I’ll never get over it or believe he’s gone. I want him back so bad. No I need him. He just can’t be gone. I still cry over him. My heart is broke…
It has been nearly 10 months for me now. I still have nobody to talk to, in the physical sense, or family nearby. I have however, started to look at the glass as being half full rather than half empty. I now see that instead of each day without my Larry, taking him further away from me, it brings me daily closer to him and to relatives and friends who have passed on. You know Sisters, we are all the Light of God that never fails. God does no make mistakes, people do. Those mistakes are always forgiven. We must all look to our Presence, the Light, God and accept all that It is. That is our strength. If anybody would like to communicate with me, I would consider it another Light of God reaching out. violetangel973@q.com. Stay safe and in Light everyone. My love and blessings to you all.
I’m sorry ladies, but all this babble about god, is beginning to make me feel sick.
Our husbands and partners are dead, if god helps you get through this loss then I’m glad it helps, but not everyone is religious. I believe that our husbands have died, because their time was up, not because god or jesus wanted him for a sunbeam.
Be good to each other, life is too hard as it is. Now that is my philosiphy in life, and I don’t believe in any diety.
I’m sorry ladies, but get on with it. God won’t make you strong, you will do that all by yourself. You need to start living, for the sake of yourself, your husbands memory and any childern you have however old. Don’t let his death take you with him.
Apologies in advance for that little rant.
Much Love
Normaxxx
I, too, am sorry, Norma. Sorry that you feel such frustration. I often hesitate to write about my faith because I know some cannot understand. However, I can’t write about what I’ve been experiencing since my Don was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March 2006 without writing about my faith, because our journey has been based on that faith. Your philosophy about life, “Be good to each other, life is too hard as it is,” is straight out of God’s Word. Whether you acknowledge Him or not, He exists, created you and loves you. My Don is now with Him, and I will eventually join them…… that knowledge gives me great joy. I just pray that you will someday accept the joy and peace that comes from our Creator.
Much love,
Jeanine
I agree with you Jeanine. I could not have worded your response more beautifully. While I never mentioned a specific religion, I do and always will believe in God. My comments were not meant to be offensive in any way. I have just started to feel a turning (however slow and long it may be) and therefore used the words regarding the glass being half full now instead of half empty. I definitely believe I will be with my husband when the time is determined by my Higher Presence, and I in no way mean to be preaching. I have been reading the comments on this site for months now and have taken great comfort in those words written by so many on this forum who have and are finding support and peace in their knowlege of God. For any of those persons, who seem to be very few, who do not find peace in the words that have been written on this forum, I am sorry. It has been very helpful to me for sure. I do not believe anybody should try to control what others find comfort in and I know we all have a right to express ourselves just as we all have a right not to read anything that bothers us in any way. Again, I am greatful for so many wonderful comments. I am greatful for this forum where we can all try to help each other through such challenging times. Sometimes it is good to go to the library and select a book which will help through the processes of grief, such as guilt, lonliness, anger, etc. Thanks again to all of you beautiful ladies who are so helpful. God bless all of you.
Jeanine-Terre
I appreciate reading your words of comfort. My heart started racing to read the post from Norma about “babble” about Gods word making one sick and that “God does not give strength”. The word dead does not exist our husbands and loved ones have passed on, to eternal life, something we can only anticipate and look forward to, faith is indeed a huge part of the journey we are on. I can try to be open minded to those who are spiritualy dead, but God wants me to spread the word of his inescapable love for everyone, so that everyone may through Gods grace receive the gift of everlasting life. I can personally say my life would be unbearable without faith. To stand at a grave and believe my husband is dead and that is the end, now that would be a tragedy. I am not going to appologize for Loving and honoring God my creator.
I’m sorry ladies, I didn’t mean to knock anyone’s faith. I feel comforted knowing that I live and let live and if you believe in a God, then I am happy for you. Faith is a wonderful thing, but so to is being a pragmatist. Reality speaks to me more than god does, I believe in the basics of life, the circle of life, we are born, we live, we die. It’s what we do in between that allows us to make our mark in this world. But human beings are no better than the animals in air, on the land or in the sea. We are blessed (spiritually or not), with intelligence to let us make up our minds about religion.
I am sorry, about my rant yesterday. I’m sitting eating a chocolate triffle, watching TV and bursting into tears. I’d just found out that my Dad has decided to go out on New Years Eve, and now I find myself wondering what I’m going to do. I so don’t want to be on my own on that night. Hogmany was the start of Martin’s symptoms, we spent a really goodnight with neighbours at the local village hall, but I never thought I’d never have another New Year with him. We were supposed to grow old together, not for me to get to 40 and be without him, or even my mum.
I don’t want to start again, I don’t want to find another man that can fill the gap in my life. I’ll compare everyone I meet to Martin, any prospective partner hasn’t got a chance, but I don’t want to make the mistake of choosing someone just because I’m lonely.
Be well everyone, have yourself a happy holiday season. If it helps I do believe in Santa Claus.
Much Love
Normaxxx
Hi everyone, I saw this website and didn’t feel alone anymore. My husband Mike passed away form brain cancer August 15th 2009. I spent the last 13 months from his surgery July 22, 2008 taking care of him so sick. I miss my soulmate and best friend as you all do. It has only been 4 months but it feels like more. The Holiday’s are one of the 1st I have to go through and yes it is hard even getting out of bed in the morning. My heart has broken and I don’t know how to fix it. They say time heals but right now time is only making it hurt more and more. Thank you all for letting me vent to you! Kris
Twitter: miraclady
December 21, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Dear Ones -
As expected, you are all in the same boat with the holidays coming.
There is no point in telling anyone to have a Merry Christmas. How could I?
And it also does not help to tell you it will get better. That is no consolation.
So, what I am going to say is that in less than two weeks it will be over.
That’s all. You will get through it.
Sending my love and heart to every single one of you. I know where you are coming from because I have been there too.
You know that. Hang on.
Thank you Corinne Your kind words were heard. The one with the briken heart Kris
Dear Friends
We Wish You a Merry♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Christmas♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪We Wish You a Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♥ ♥ ♥We Wish You A Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪…and a Happy New Year!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪…
God Bless you during the Season that you may find Hope and Joy !Knowing your loved one who has passed on lives eternally and forever and is spending Christmas with Jesus this year . Your loved one is saving your place beside them, always and forever in Gods kingdom of inescapable LOVE.
I lost my husband October 18th of this year. Today is his birthday. Then the Christmas Eve, then Christmas. I don’t know what to do with myself. He was my best friend. We have a 2 and a half year old daughter. I feel like I’m living in a dream some days. Like this can’t be real. I was in the hospital room with him when he died. He wasn’t supposed to die. He had Crohn’s Disease yet he died of a blood clot from being the hospital. I miss him so much, every moment of the day and night. I am being as strong as I can be. I work. I try. But I miss him.
Maureen… I’ve gone through two birthdays (his, not mine) since my man died in June 2008, so I understand your pain. This is the second holiday season I’ve had to endure, and this time I am alone. My two children are with their in-law families, and my sister is in the midst of a family crisis which she can’t leave, but she doesn’t want me in the middle of it, either. I find that the only way I am surviving these days is through prayer….. lots of it. I highly recommend it! I am the same as Denise, “my life would be unbearable without faith.”
Hi everybody,
The first year, it was blank….It is OK. This is my second year, now. I hung out one strand of lights on some small artificial pine trees outside. That is it. At least it is a beginning of living and feeling. I cannot watch any of the Christmas stories on the TV. I have a dear friend coming over for a quiet dinner.
This is time for embracing our love and life that is within each one of us. My Barry would not like to see me suffer. He wants to see me live my life. Life is very precious. I am learning how to find a way to let happiness and joy come back into my life. It comes and goes, but it gets stronger as time goes by. I do not have to feel so guilty if I smile.
May God be with everybody.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
guyz, its been a long time,busy preparing for christmas,buying presents for both families,i’m trying to enjoy myself,but something is missing,i don’t feel whole,my husband part is so vacant,well single ladies its time to have fine,marry christmas.
Hello,
As I read the words of all of you I realize that sadly I’m not the only to have lost my love. My love was taken from me by death on Oct. 25th. So it has now been 2 months. He was in a car accident on his way to airport. I saw friends of ours return from the trip he was supposed to be on and it doesn’t make sence to me how he could not be back just as they are. We have a 2 and half year old son. I’m 25 and he was just 32….I don’t know how I’m living without him. We had just celebrated our 6th anniversary on 10/13, he gave me a card where he said that eventhough it was the first time we were actually celebrating it we had the rest of our lives to continue…..the rest of our lives ended up being just 11 more days. We weren’t married but we were planning our wedding that was set to be 5/1/10. On the 24th we had gone to pick out our wedding bands and never imagined his life would end the very next morning. I know if I had asked him not to go on that work trip he’d still be with us. I don’t believe in destiny, I know he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I just wont ever get used to this loneliness I feel. He loved life and it’s so unfair that we no longer get to see his smile or have his presence with us all and that our son doesn’t have his father to be by his side, it’s just not fair. I cry all the time and I want to just fall asleep and never wake up but I know that would be more unfair to our son. I do believe that God has given me strength because everyone tells me they never imagined I could even get past one week without him. I miss him dearly… I miss him so much
I pray we all are able to feel a little peace in our hearts, just a little
-Liz
Lizette,
While it is indeed sad that all of are suffering our losses together, I am grateful that we are able to reach out to each other through this medium and support each other. Thanks, again, Corinne, for providing this outlet!
I’m so sorry you have a reason to find your way to this site, Lizette, and at such a young age. Another great site, especially for young widows, is one in Ireland: http://www.widow.ie The wonderful young founder, Colette, was widowed last year at age 35 when her husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. Her daughter was three years old at the time. I found the people at that site to be warm and responsive to my posts, even though I am far older than most of them. I don’t post much there anymore due to the age difference, but you might find them helpful.
My prayers are with you during this especially difficult time, Lizette… the holidays can be fantastic, but are also painful for those of us with huge losses in our lives.
It seems as if Mike never existed. Like for 23 yrs I just had a nice dream. And yet I know he existed. It’s bad enough that my diabetes and depression from it tires me out. But now I am just simply worn out. Here lately all I feel like doing is sleeping. It takes all of my energy for me to just get out of bed to eat, get on the internet, watch tv and help take care of my folks. I don’t have the get up an go anymore. Right now it is such a struggle to write this I am so tired out. I slept late yesterday and slept all evening feeling bad and still am tired.
I feel so disconnected from everything anymore. They didn’t have church Christmas eve like they normally do cuz of the preacher being out of town. So I went to my cousin’s church. It was nice but I didn’t feel anything except for a minute during Silent Night. I may as well been watching a ball game (don’t care for sports but Mike loved them). Mike and I every Christmas Eve would go visit his brother and his wife and when their son had kids go see them there too and give the kids their presents. It was so hard, I enjoyed seeing them and it was nice but it wasn’t the same without him. They showed on the tv tv video they had filmed last yr when we were over of the kids and Mike was in it. While I enjoyed seeing it and filmed some of it playing on the tv, it was so sad seeing him his last Christmas. I felt like crying but couldn’t in front of them and had to choke it back. I miss him so much it hurts. The day after Christmas I went out to eat with my best friend who had set me up on the blind date with Mike. And also went to the mall. It was nice but just not the same without him. I didn’t even go to Walmart and Target looking at Christmas stuff cuz I don’t have a home to put it in being here with my folks. A few days before Christmas, I went in Target and bought me a lighted up church and alpine scene that reminded me of Mike. I put them under my folks tree which I decorated. And they are in memory of him. Sun at church I felt nothing either. It may have been cuz the preacher was still out of town and we had a guest preacher and my folks couldn’t go cuz they weren’t feeling good and my best friend who set me up on the blind date with Mike was sick and couldn’t go and Mikes cousin wasn’t there either. I still have my faith in God and Jesus and always will. I’m just in a slump where I don’t feel anything other than depressed and sad, I died March 3, 2009 and I don’t think I will ever come back to life. He either never existed or he is gone somewhere and will come back one day. For now tho, I am just dead…
Hi Cheryl
Thanks for sharing. I know how you feel. The other half of you that made you complete isn’t around anymore. It sucks!
Don’t let your husbands death be the death of you. Mike would not want you to die with him. I can’t make you feel any better, I can’t help you get over your husbands passing, but you can. Depression is one of the things to expect, it never goes away, you just have ride it, when things are bad and you want to sleep, get the hoover and the duster out and give your house a spring clean (or your parents house), the exercise will do you good and it will help bring your endorphines back into line even if only slightly. When you are feeling good, get up, shower, dress up, and go out as if you owned the world.
Show Mike, that your life is worth living. Show Mike that you will always remember him and love him and you will honer him by living your life as full as you can.
Take care Cheryl. Life is worth living, you just have to try and ride the wave until the calm comes.
Much love
Normaxxx
Cheryl, you said it when you said that it feels like he was just a nice dream. My husband died on Sept 24, 2009, of esophageal cancer. We fought the disease and he was brave, but it was just too much for his body. Sometimes I feel like I’m totally numb to it all and I should be constantly crying, sometimes I DO constantly cry. He was everything to me. We gave up so much to be together and we didn’t even make it to our 5th wedding anniversary. My new motto is “Life isn’t fair.”
Hi Everyone
The holiday was very hard. Steven passed August 9, 2009 and this was the first Christmas without him. It was just like a dream as others had said. He was fine and then POOF the next day gone from Sudden unexpected cardiac arrest after being in my life 22 years. So my 9 year old daughter and I went to his side family gathering on Christmas Day. Everyone was like “today must be so hard for you”. While it was very hard it was no different than any other day because every day is hard! I only have my past and memories my present and my future dreams have been ripped away from us. The minute I try to put my mind on something else it floats back to him and this consumes 95% of my thoughts every waking hour, not just on Christmas or Holidays- but EVERY DAY.
This is a great outlet we have I enjoy reading everyones post. Maybe there is some truth to the saying “misery loves company”. I feel so bad for each and every one of you for your profound loss. I don’t think I ever truly understood what a devestating feeling it is to grieve. People die every day but until you lose someone you love you just do not know how bad it hurts. I can see from everyones post it really does not matter if your husband or loved one was taken suddenly and unexpected, or if they suffered from illness before passing, it hurts to have them gone so badly that we are all depressed and lonely. I know I have no choice but to accept my new life, he is gone from Earth and I have to go on without him. Don’t like it, hate it, sad every day, lonely, depressed, angry and mystified. I still don’t know why he died they could not tell from the autopsy or toxicology other than his heart simply stopped beating- but what caused it to stop beating? He had no symptoms? They can’t tell me and I will never know until the day I reach Heaven and it will be revealed to me. Is it to much to ask to know why he died? I just had to ask the coroner again and she said I need to accept that we will never know why his heart stopped there was nothing they could find that would have caused it (I get the same story from his Doctor). That part is so hard and only makes grieving worse. It is not like I wanted him to have cancer, a heart attack or suffer in a car wreck or something- but at least I would know WHY he passed away so young and suddenly at age 49. He had no idea this was going to happen we were in the middle of so many exciting plans for our life. I have so much HOPE that he is not feeling the emotional pain I am feeling being seperated from his daughter, loved ones and I. Oh how I Hope that we will be together one day again. HOPE that I can get through this and maybe feel Joy again? HOPE that my daughter will remember her Father when she is older. I will never be the same person I was can’t people understand you just don’t get over losing your soulmate? They are and always will be a part of who you are. I can only pray for HOPE, PEACE and one day JOY for us all. God Bless
Denise,
I read your post, and felt like it could have been written by my hand. My Gary also died of a sudden cardiac event – in his sleep – at age 42 with absolutely no prior history. EVERY day is devastating. I made it through xmas on autopilot. Today my adrenaline has completely run out and I cn barely function. I have 3 children – my oldest turned 14 today, 11, and 4. It still feel like I am in someone elses nightmare and am desperate to wake up.
Dearest Lisa
Thanks for the post. There is someone else out there dealing with this nightmare and you understand!! So you have the same mysteries as I and they are emotionally exhausting to think about and deal with. You have such young children too!! I am for sure going to have to add you to my prayers and know that you are not alone. You have helped me to not feel so isolated, I hope I can help you too somehow. Gary never wanted to leave you so suddenly (he was even younger than Steve) and God knows you are hurting. I wish it could be revealed to us NOW as to why this happened to us- what purpose could ther be? I am working to try and accept but it is so very hard. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I might find some things that help but for now we suffer together wondering why this happened and how are we going to get through another day! God Bless
Lisa- I forgot
Happy Birthday to your 14 year old stay strong on this day even though it is hard. For now our purpose is our children- just imagine how lonely it would be without them. I know it must be exhausting with 3 (especially now) but I mean it when I say you are blessed!! I hope you have some help with the children when you need it either family or friends?
Thank you Denise. I am blessed. I know that. My children are honestly and truly the only reason I get out of bed every day. It does help to know there are others like me out there. Too many. I got through xmas on numbness and adrenaline, and today I am crashing in a big way. Dreading New Years Eve. It was our special holiday. But even that does not really matter. Every day is the same. One more day to cross off the calendar. One more day closer to when I can be with him again. Sorry… too many tears now…
Twitter: miraclady
December 30, 2009 at 10:55 am
Dear Ones -
The holidays are almost over.
Somehow you have survived it.
I thought of all of you every single day.
Sending love and peace in the new year.
Corinne
Thanks, Corinne.
A New Year’s Prayer- God will make 2010 happy- Not by shielding you from sorrows and pain, but by strengthening you. Not by making your path easy, but by making you sturdy to travel any path. Not by taking hardships from you, but by taking fear from your heart ♥. Not by granting you unbroken sunshine, but by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows of loss. God’s Love, Peace, Hope and Joy to you for the NEW Year/Decade ahead.
Dear Norma , Jeanine and all
A blessed new year to you all, I am sorry I did not have the courage to write before. I survived the holiday. It was heart breaking to have gone to my dearest husband’s home town without him. It was heart breaking to see his parents. They never for one moment made or spoke to me in a way that he is not around. His two brothers and their family also were holidaying at the parents, they took care of my kids, took them out shopping and played with them. My kids enjoyed the holiday, It was almost an year since they went out anywhere. But I so so much missed him. I cried alone when no body was around. I will give anything away just to have him back. I wish years would run like seconds so that I could go to him soon.
Dear, dear Zulaifa, you had a hard journey over the holiday period, but you made it. You got through it, now you need to move on to the next journey.
It makes me sad to know that you are so heartbroken, you are wishing your own life away. Remember you not only have the rest of your life ahead of you, but you also have your childrens and hopefully grandchildrens ahead of you. Please don’t wish it away because one piece of you is broken. As with all wounds, time is all we have, to heal it.
We will never forget our most dearest and they will want us to move on. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, moving on is in honor of our husbands and partners, we will show them, how much more life we have left to live and experience not just for ourselves but for them too.
Much love
Normaxxx
Dearest Zulaifa,
I so know what you are feeling, as I feel the same for my husband. He has been gone from this earth for 18 months and I, like you, long to be with him because I know that is my destiny. And that gives me great joy! I also know that I have been left on this earth for a purpose, and I embrace that, too. Through constant prayer and with time I am learning the balance of eagerly anticipating my future with my husband and our Creator, while at the same time finding joy in fulfilling my purpose each day I am here. I pray the same for you.
Blessings,
Jeanine
I agree with you Jeanine. I am sorry, Norma, but I don’t think anyone is really wishing their life away. There are so many books….first and foremost the bible….where grief is addressed in full. These feelings are real and are definitely part of the process. I too want to be with my husband and will be when the time is right. We must allow each other to move through these processes as only we can do, in our own time. There is no wrong way. Nobody can tell what another should do. Please, let’s just support each other in God and the bible, plus all the other information that is out there if we need it. For anybody who may be going through the anger or denial phase, or who may or may not believe in God or the bible, what a loss. All these feelings are real and nobody can put a time stamp on them. If they weren’t real, doctors all over the world would not be advising that one should wait for no less than a year, preferrably two years, before making any decisions. God Bless You All!!!!
God and the Bible, grief and loss, wanting to be with your husband again.
Tell me this ladies, when you meet another man, to help yo get through the rest of your life and he also dies, who will you want to be with the most when your time comes? Your first husband? Your second husband?
I read these comments and it saddens me, because a lot of them say to me that you are wishing your life away. You are so caught up in your grief that you can’t see the light, whether this is the continuous of your time on earth or your faith. All I’m saying, is we can all get through this grief and come out the other end.
Keep the faith ladies, whether thats faith in a God, Jesus or yourself. Life is the most precious thing we have, lets live it for the honor of those we have lost.
Be good to each other, life is hard enough.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi Norma: God bless you. Yes, for sure, ‘God and the Bible, grief and loss, wanting to be with your husband again. And, I am so greatful I am not alone in these feelings.
Here is one lady who would like to respond to your question regarding ‘when you meet another man, to help you get through the rest of your life and he also dies, who will you want to be with the most when your time comes? I’d like to respond by asking you, why not both of them since we will all be with God?
On the contrary, Norma, I realize there is more for me to do or I would not still be here. Yes, I am caught up in my grief. But it is because of my husband’s passing that he and God both show me the light for which I give thanks daily. Rather than feel the negativity of sadness of what you have been reading on this site, for which I thank you, Corinne, if you could replace that sadness with a nice prayer of support, I for one, would thank you from the bottom of my heart. As I said before, nobody can tell another where they should or should not be in the process of grief.
Yes, we can all get through this grief and come out the other end. And, allow each other to express where they are in their grief and…. supporting each other in love does more to help than does expressing saddness over what is written.
I really like your last paragraph ‘Keep the faith ladies, whether thats faith in a God, Jesus or yourself. Life is the most precioous thing we have, lets live it for the honor of those we have lost.’ That is exactly what I and others are trying to do through God and the Bible. Tears come and go as does the pain of loss (not completely of course) but it does get better, as those who have gone through this process have told me. I look forward to the continuing peace, love and guidance of God.
Love and Light to all. Terre
Hi Everyone
I have not written in a while so I thought I would check in and see how everyone is doing? Today is one of those days where I am just plain sad and angry. Gosh I miss our beloved Steven so it has been 5 months and I still can’t believe he has left this earth it was just so sudden. Iwould give ANYTHING to have him back if even for just a day, hour or even a minute so I could have some closure and say goodbye. I also have been feeling guilty lately that maybe I could have saved him somehow and/or made him go to the doctor and they could have found a cardiac problem. Just when I think I am making progress I go backwards. He had no idea he was going leave us and that makes me sooo sad!!! I also had no idea and that makes me so sad because I never even got to say goodbye. I am pretty sure he could not hear me when the paramedics arrived even though he was still alive. It is not like I wanted him to be sick …but at least I could prepare for his departure. Just another normal day and then suddenly he is GONE. I will never be the same. Why did this happen it just seems so unfair that I could not have at least told him I loved him- is that too much to ask? He was only 49 and we needed him our daughter is only 9. I know one day it will be revealed to me but I want to know now. Blessings to Everyone.
Anyways
Jenny,
I was very happily married for 33 years have 4 children and he dies instantly in a car accident on the 14th Oct 09. It is so painful, he did everything and now I must do everything. I have two married children and two at home. He was a minster of religion and every time I have to go to church, it is a painful process. Help
Thank you, Norma, Terre, and Denise, for sharing you thoughts with us. We all are suffering and need to support each other.
Norma, God’s Word clearly says that our future relationships with our husbands will be different than what we had in our past, and I trust what He says. I also trust Him when He says that our future with Him (including our relationships with our husbands) will be better than anything we can imagine. I’m so thankful that I can choose to not to have to wonder about what happens if I end up with two husbands because I can choose to stick with just one. I’m quite content to do that.
Terre, I so agree with you that we each have our own grief path, and we need to respect each other in our choices about how to travel that path. Like you, I choose to travel mine with Jesus as my guide and God’s Holy Spirit as my comforter.
Denise, I’m sorry you were having one of those rough days. We all can identify with you, because we all have had them, and will have more in the future. I hope the days since then have been better.
You all are blessings to me, and I thank you for that.
Jeanine
Zita,
You must have posted while I was writing my last post. I’m so sorry about your intense pain! I was happily married for 43 years and my husband died in June 2008 after fighting pancreatic cancer for over two years, so our losses happened in a different manner, yet both of us have suffered tremendous loss. If you are up to reading, you might find comfort in a book written by a man who lost his wife, youngest daughter, and mother in a car accident: “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser. He gives great insights into how to deal with the pain of such a sudden loss.
I’m praying for you to find strength and peace.
Jeanine
I lost my husband of 25 years about 3 weeks ago. I have 4 children with him (ages 24, 21, 14, 9). I feel like Denise does–I just want him back! It was a very sudden cardiac arrest with no previous symptoms/warnings whatsoever. I cannot understand how God says he loves us but could take him away from us. How is that love?
Hi Lori, it isn’t fair. But if you have faith in your god, then don’t be too harsh on him. I don’t believe in God, so maybe I’m taking my husbands death a little easier. I don’t believe Jesus wanted him for a sunbeam, and I don’t believe that him dieing was part of Gods plan.
If you are angry with your God, that is understandable, but I’m sure he will forgive you. Your husbands heart just gave out. Probably not a lot either you or he could have done about it. He didn’t want to leave you and your children, but he didn’t get any option. My husband was handed a death sentance at diagnosis, but we did everything we could to enjoy the time we had left, but that didn’t make it any easier. He told me he was dying, 1 hour before he passed. He said he could feel it, feel himself going.
Your God still loves you, for these things are sent to try you. Lets see if she will still beleive in me if I suddenly go….. If you are a believer, your faith is always tested, by the things that don’t make any sense.
Take comfort Lorri, let your older kids look after your younger ones, and take the time you need to bring your life back into focus. Good luck over the next few weeks, you will find this site to be quite useful in sharing your grief.
Much love.
Normaxxx
So glad I ran across your post today…. I’m a 29 yr old widow with 2 small boys (ages 5 and 9). My husband died very unexpectedly in November from the H1N1 virus. For me, it hasn’t gotten any eaiser…. just different. Grief has many faces I suppose.
Thanks for sharing…. may 2010 bring peace in each of your lives.
~Amber
Lori,
Norma is so right about God loving you! God has given her a lot of wisdom, even though she doesn’t believe in Him…. more wisdom than some who claim to be His followers. I’m puzzled as to why He does that, just as I am perplexed as to why He allowed our husbands to be taken from us, and in the ways they are taken. That doesn’t ‘feel’ like love. The closest I can come to understanding it is to compare it to being a parent (perhaps that is why He calls Himself “Father?”) As a parent, there are times you must do things that your children don’t think are very ‘loving.’ But, you do them BECAUSE you love them, and know more than they do, thus you can guide them, teach them, and help shape them into what they need to become. I know from experience that it is difficult to wrap my mind around that idea, especially when the pain from being without my husband is so intense. But, it has now been a little over 18 months since my partner in life, my best friend, the man that gave me my sense of identity, has gone to be with God, and that God is helping me through each day because I trust Him. I pray for the same for you.
In Christ,
Jeanine
I am so appreciative of the warm responses and knowing there are people out there struggling with the same things I am! I am so sad and heartbroken and if it wasn’t for the kids would really have a hard time getting up in the morning and establishing a “new” normal. I heard the first 2 years are the worst does anyone have experiences they can share? Thank you so much my new friends!
Hi Lori,
I just made it thru my first two years without my Barry. After struggling with myself, I made it!
January is my birthday, my wedding anniversary and the month when my Barry went into another realm. But, I am contented and happy. I have worked so hard on myself, elevating my spirituality. I know that my Barry would be so proud of me. That is why he loved me for my strength.
It would have been so easier to give up, but it would have taken me away from my Barry. We are the ones left behind, because we still have a job to do. It is not finished yet!
I worked on healing the cracks and hole in my heart. One would be amazed why it is so, when one look deep inside of us. My Barry would want me to be whole in my spirituality. We will meet up, again. I will be in his arms. It is the unconditional love that we carry.
Carry on the faith and the spirit….
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Lori,
It’s been 18 months for me. Like Mary, my faith has helped me make it to this point. I can attest that the second year is as hard as the first, but in a different way. For me it is as though God provided me with a powerful painkiller that helped take the edge off my pain in the first year, but it was still enough to be agonizing. I can’t imagine what it would have been without God helping me! Now He is slowly reducing the painkiller so I can get used to living without it. As a result, there are sporadic times where the pain is intense, but they are offset with more times of feeling balanced and peaceful.
I hope my experience can be of some help to you.
Amber,
I’m so sorry you had to find your way to a widow’s site at such a young age. I found a great site for young widows in Ireland…. it was started by a young widow whose husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. They are very supportive, even if you don’t live in Ireland! The site is http://www.widow.ie
Blessings to you both,
Jeanine
A YEAR to get over a death? My husband died 18 years ago…I still think of him often and cry when the memories overcome me.
It will be an year on January 25 since my dearest husband passed away! It is not getting better, I miss him more, my kids miss him more. It is only getting worst. I need him desperately. I wish he would come back. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare!! I hate this new normal. I hate every bit of it. I can’t write any more I am crying so much, but it is not getting better. I am sorry, I need a place to let go.
Jenny and Zulaifa,
At first I was plagued with the world’s idea that I must “get over” my husband’s death, but now, 18 months after his death, I rejoice in the knowledge that I don’t! Through a lot of prayer and Scripture reading, I now realize that I can choose to cherish him and my memories of him while I am here because we are joined for eternity, and I will eventually be with him again. While I will always miss him and wish he were still with me, I have joy in knowing I am with him for eternity. This enables me to get on with whatever plans God has for me during the rest of my time on this earth. I pray for you to be able to have the same kind of peace and joy.
Jeanine
Those are Beautiful comforting words. spoken as if from an Earth Angel. Thanks for sharing and God Bless
Hello Everybody,
There is not getting over it. Memories and feelings are there. With a lot of spiritual work on oneself, it manages to get better toward the end of the second year for me. The pain manage to dimished. Content and happiness with oneself starts setting in, to know that I am blessed with love. Thru meditation and learnings, I am able to heal one crack and part of the hole in my heart.
I am carrying on our dreams to help others. My Barry was a Reverend after 30 years of being lost. I will be ordained as a Reverend in the Universal Belief system. We are all the same. There is only one God.
I am planning on taking a home study course with Mid West Center to learn about Anxiety, Phobias, Depression & Stress. Then, I want to take a course in Life Coaching. I hope these courses will enhance my Ministry. I do not preach. I am here to help.
I just had a small dinner party to cerebrate my birthday of Life. January is also my wedding anniversary and when my sweet Barry went into the other realm. Both mine and Barry’s friends were here to cerebrate Life!
Pray, quiet yourself and meditate. Let yourself become in tune to the Universe. Listen to the quietness. Then, one can listen to oneself. Emerge oneself into the happiness of love.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Denise, thanks for your kind words.
Mary, I agree with your general concepts, but I substitute “our Creator” for “the universe,” especially since He created the universe, and gave us His Word to use as a guide for living this life.
I applaud your goal of wanting to help people…. Best wishes to you in your studies.
Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. Some days are better than others and I actually don’t wake up crying. Some days are moment by moment and I wonder how I’m going to get through the day. I also am concerned for my 4 children–especially the younger ones (14 & 9) because they seem a bit more quiet than the older children (24 & 22). My older kids have been very supportive to me and the younger kids but they need to take care of themselves too. But everyday I wonder “why” and how can God really love us and let this happen. My faith is very challenged right now. Thank you again everyone!
Lori
My 9 year old does not want to talk either. Her Fathers sudden cardiac arrest at Age 49 in our home was just to sudden. It was a day like any other day playing with her father, going out to dinner and then with no warning he was taken from us at home while on the couch watching TV. He had no symptoms, was not sick and then suddenly gone before our very eyes. I can tell you it has been 5 months and I am still wondering what is going through her little head. She profoundly loved her father and is building a collection of Photo’s and stockpiling and cherishing and protecting everything he ever gave her. We cry together and I hold her in my arms but she never speaks. I found a brand new sweatsuit of hers balled up in a corner and hidden in her closet. I asked her why and she said that is the outfit I was wearing when Daddy died. It was indeed what she was wearing because I will never forget anything about that night. Her terror stricken face when I told her Daddy was gone after returning from the ER. If anyone else has advice I could use some to. She refuses to see a Psychologist and cries if I even mention it. As for me I sob every day asking why he was taken so suddenly and unexpectedly, why we could not have at least said goodbye. I still have faith and know one day it will be revealed to me why he wwas taken, but the journey and waiting is like I am living in Hell. Sorry I do not know how else to describe it. He just anted to live our life was not anywwhere near complete. I feel so sad because I know he had no clue his time was even close. He wwas worried about his Mother who is 84 and I know he never dreamed he would be gone before her. I ache, this pain is unbearable- and having to hold it together for the sake of our child is what keeps me sane. I feel half dead walking around in a state of shock and it has been 5 months. EVERYTHING reminds me of him – there is no escape from the pain it has shaken the very core of my soul I have never felt such profund sadness.
God Bless
Denise
Dear Denise,
It is very hard for children. I heard on TV oneday, there was a horse farm for children to come and take care of them. It had a healing effect for the children. They can speak to the horses and by taking care of the horses, they learn to get out of their own skins. I wanted to go to the horse farm myself!
Let your prayers go out to the Universe. God is there with all of his Angels and Teachers to guide and walk with us. Learn about the different Archangels and what they do. Learn about the Ascented Masters, the teachers. They have their own special gifts. All we have to do is ask. Quiet yourself down. Meditate. Open your heart and empty your mind. The Spirit will come to you with answers. The Love will flow thru you. Eventually, the pain will dimish and all you remember is the deep Love.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Ladies, talk to your children, but not like mommy, like a friend who also feels the heartache you are going through. But as you have experienced so much more in your life, you can distinguish the terrible feelings you are having, and for young children, these experiences are new. It can be a sad and confusing time for them. Feelings they have never felt before are now presenting themselves. Death brings so much more than grief. It is a learning curve that we all eventually have to go through, bringing mixed feelings and they don’t know what to do or how to react.
Good luck ladies.
Much love
Normaxxx
Oh Denise, I feel just like you do! My situation was just like you described and my 9 year old son even tried to do CPR before the paramedics arrived. It was just a “normal” day–right after lunch that is all happened. There is a day camp in the summer called Camp Good Mourning for kids and teens in my area that I am checking into for both my 9 year old and 14 year old. Has anyone had any experience with this camp? My son does express things though, my 14 year old daughter doesn’t say too much–only she has “very bad” days, “ok” days, and “good” days. I am so appreciative of this site because I know I am not alone. The 19th marked 1 month. Lori
My grandchildren attended Hospice grief sessions especially designed for children after my husband died, at the same time my daughter attended sessions for the adult children of the deceased, and I attended sessions for the spouse. My 13-yr-old grandson dropped out after the second session because he didn’t care for the format, but my 10-yr-old granddaughter benefited from the sessions. Both seem to be doing well now, 18 months later, and are able to express their sadness freely. Everyone needs to grieve in their own way… and it will be painful and difficult, no matter how it is done.
I, too, am thankful for this site, Lori, and for knowing that I am not alone.
Dear Mary (MLB)
I do so agree with your message to Denice. I too am very focused on the Ascended Masters and Beloved Archangels. I wonder, have you heard of the Saint Germain Foundation in Chicago? They are absolutely wonderful. (this is not a Catholic organization).
Love, Terre
Dear Terre,
We speak about St. Germain in our Sacred Circles quite often. I have been studying with my Pastor thru the Church of the Messiahs thru Medicine Signs here in South Florida. As you note…my Pastor uses the word Messiahs…there were many Messiahs thru the ages. We have many people from all walks of religion…we believe in the Universal Beliefs. There are no walls and divisions. We are all the same, dispite of our backgrounds. There is only one God….
Love and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dear Mary (MLB):
Thank you so much. I can truly say AMEN!
Love and Light to you as well, Terre
Thank you Jeanine, Mary, Norma and all
Your words of wisdom are comforting. I am writing the day after it is one year since god took my dearest husband. It is the 26th in this part of the world, south east asia. It has been a very painful one year, I am living on auto pilot mode. It is comforting that I am one year closer to be with him. I hope years will fly like seconds or less.
Love and Blessings
Zulaifa
I am wishing for time to go quickly, much like Zulaifa has said. Everyday I make myself get up and every evening go to bed, kiss his picture and say “I made it through another day, I hope the years go as fast as the day went by”. We all have people who care about us, but they cannot feel what we feel if they haven’t been through this. When people ask “how are you guys doing” I want to shout sometimes and say “WE ARE SAD AND HEARTBROKEN. WE CRY EVERY DAY” but I don’t because I know they are asking because they care about us. So I answer “it depends on the day–some days are better than others”. My friends complain about their husbands and get frustrated with them. I would give anything to spend 30 minutes–even 5 minutes with him again.
Any advice for my first valentine’s day without my husband?
Lori
It will be my first Valentines day without my Steven too! I plan to write Steven a Poem, light a candle next to may favorite picture of him and read it to him. I will also lay a red rose on his grave. People might laugh but I think it will help because I know he will be thinking of me on Valentines day:-) He will then know he is in my heart forever…
I met my husband on valentines day, for the first time, 16 years ago this year coming. Although it wasn’t a romantic meeting, it is a day that will stay with me forever. We didn’t celebrate Valentines Day, we didn’t really bother about cards, or gifts and did more for birthdays and anniversary. I’m going to find 24th March hard. That’s my Dads birthday and Martin’s. I’ll try to be up for my Dad, knowing that it should be Martin’s happy day too.
I don’t think everyday is taking me closer to Martin, in fact I don’t believe he is waiting for me anywhere (please don’t dwell on this ladies, but that’s my believe). I savour everyday I had with him and I feel the pain of losing him. Today was bad, sitting listening to Flower of Scotland and I just burst in to tears. It’s been 8 weeks since he passed, and 12 weeks since my Mum. I miss them both so much and now my Dad isn’t well. So ladies all of you believers, pray for my Dad, after years of putting up with my mum, its his time to live and have fun. I so want him to be alright.
Much love
Norma xxx
Hi everybody,
Celebrate Valentine’s Day at home with a quiet dinner, candles and music. Say your prayers and give thanks for your blessings to know the Love. Get a box of chocolates and some roses. Give honor to your sweetie.
I still have the dining room table marked as to where my Barry always sat.
Today was two years when my Barry went away from this earthy realm. I cried abit, but I remember the deep love that we have together. He will always be my special sweetie. We always had endearing words for each other. He told his friends about it.
With Love to All,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi everybody,
I went to the supermarket and found this on my kitchen floor. It fell off the frig. This was given to me somewhere along the last two years. I hope this will help as it has helped me thru the struggle.
Untitled
Death is naught
I have only passed to the other side.
I am me. You are you.
That which we were for each other, we are still.
Give me the name you have always given me.
Speak to me as you have always done.
Don’t use a different tone.
Don’t adopt a sad or solemn air.
Continue laughing at things
we laughed at together.
Pray, smile, think of me, pray with me.
Let my name be spoke at home
as it always has been -
Without emphasis of any kind,
or trace of a shadow.
Life still means what it meant.
It is that which it has always been.
The thread has not been cut.
Why would I be out of your thoughts?
Simply because I am out of your sight?
I am not far, just on the other side of the path.
You see, everything is fine.
You will rediscover my heart.
In it, you will rediscover pure tenderness…
(I love you. I always will.)
Blessings and peace be with you, dear heart.
It is OK to shed our tears. Light a candle and meditate.
Light and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Dear Mary:
What a beautiful post. Now, I would like to share something my sweet Larry left for me to find.
To Those I Love
When I am gone, just release me,
let me go – so I can move into my
afterglow. You mustn’t tie me down
with your tears; let’s be happy
that we had so many years. I gave you
my love, you can only guess
how much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have
shown, but now it’s time I traveled on alone.
So grieve for me awhile, if grieve
you must, then let your grief be comforted
with trust. It’s only for a while that
we must part, so bless the memories within
your heart. And then, when you must
come this way alone, I’ll greet you with
a smile and a “Welcome Home”.
Love, Strength, Wisdom, Power and Healing to you all. Terre
Twitter: miraclady
January 27, 2010 at 1:59 pm
Dear Ones -
Valentine’s Day is another hard one.
I always go out and buy myself a beautiful bunch of flowers.
I deserve it.
Both of these are very beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
God Bless all!
Lori
Can someone recommend a good book about grieving the loss of a husband? Thank you.
Lori
Thank you Terre and Mary for sharing these. They are beautiful and touches the heart. Norma your dad will be in my prayers.
Love and Blessings to all!
I also thank you for sharing! And, I am praying for your dad, Norma.
Thank you, Ladies, my Mum would normally do all the praying, but as she has now passed on, I can only hope she is watching over him.
I have 2 stories to share with you. My sister was preparing my dads tea last week. Dad was up the stairs and there was no one else in the house. She was leaning over to get something when she felt someone poke her in the back. It felt so real that she turned around to see who it was and no one was there. She told me that our mum used to do that to her.
The second is about my husbands cousin Alison. She attends a spiritualist church, and she got a message about Martin. The young lady who received the message, described him as being in pain from head to toe whilst here, but that now he had arrived and everything was ok.
Unfortunately I’ve not had any signs. I did ask my mum to send me a sign if she was right, to let me know if she were with God (she believed and prayed every day) and my husband joked that he would come back and haunt me. Maybe it’s still too early and I’m still hurting, angry and sometimes feeling sorry for myself to notice what might be right in front of me. I’ve asked them both to look after Dad, to make sure he gets better and that nothing else goes too wrong with him.
I’m going back to work next week, which I’m really looking forward to. I feel like its a new term at school, so this weekend I’m getting all my work clothes together and clearing things up so I have 2 spare rooms instead of 1 and a dumping ground.
Stay strong ladies, I think about you all often.
Much Love
Normaxxx
Lori
I have read so many books because I am an avid reader. I was gifted many of the books and my Top 3 favorites are:
I Wasn’t ready to say Goodbye (sudden unexpected loss)
A Grace disguised
90 Minutes in Heaven
Having said that you must know I am Christian. I was blessed at a young age to be touched by the Holy Spirit so I know there is a God. While I realize this is a choice, I really had no choice in the matter because the God chose me instead of me choosing God. I am blessed for the fact that I know God exists and feel his presence in my heart and soul. Having said that, I chose to reciprocate and open my heart to God so our relationship is grand. The second two books are uplifting in a way I can connect with. The first Book is non Christian and was appropriate for my sudden uinexpected loss. If you go to Amazon.com you can search books and read reviews on loss of spouse, husband, etc and read several reviews of what others thought. I hope this helps you to find some comfort- I know it will. It is a long journey so depending here you are in your journey there is a book for each stage.
God Bless
I would like to add another book to Denise’s list:
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.
I, like Denise, am a follower of Christ because God chose me at an early age, and I chose to reciprocate, thus the books I recommend involve faith. C.S. Lewis married late in life and then lost his wife to cancer after only four years of marriage. Like all of his, he agonized over the ‘whys’ and did a marvelous job of sharing his journey through his book.
Thanks for sharing your stories, Norma. I pray that all goes well with your return to work.
Oops. I should have reread my posting more closely before I submitted it! I meant to write “Like all of us,” rather than “his.” In addition, I meant to add my recommendation for “A Grief Disguised.” It helped me tremendously. I have “90 Minutes in Heaven,” but haven’t read it yet.
Sorry I have been doing more reading than writing but have had a cold, congestion, sinus problems and slight bronchitis all in one. That and my diabetes & depression have me sleeping alot. I think that while for some folks remarriage may be for them, with others like me it is not meant to be because we could never love anyone else. I know the Bible says we are free to remarry once widowed but I don’t think it means you have to and that for some of us we never will.
I bought Mike the 90 Minutes In Heaven book for his bd one yr. I read it first and then gave it to him. Whether he finished it or not I dunno but it is a good book.
I will be a yr in March that Mike went home to heaven. I still cannot & never will believe it that he is gone. It was such a shock him going like he did from the heart attack plus having moved in immediately with my folks sparing myself the sleeping in the home alone without him, all that had made me so I do not believe he is gone. I can go and be doing just fine and then all of a sudden I go all to pieces over him. I wave hi to him up in heaven everyday and talk to him everyday telling him I love him. I know he hears me cuz of that beautiful rainbow he sent me at Nags Head beach in Oct. Some days I act just fine. Others I am so heartbroken. But everyday I miss him so much. He just can’t be gone. It seems like he will come back one day and yet he won’t. It seems as if he was just a beautiful dream. I lived with my folks before marrying him, then for 23 yrs I had a dream that I was married to a man named Mike, and then I am back with my folks again and he was only a beautiful dream.
I keep having dreams where he is alive and we go places and do things like go shopping and out to eat and on trips. On the trips we stay in neat mom and pop motels that aren’t flea bags. Evidently I must want to stay in neat mom and pop motels that aren’t flea bags. And we go to old 60′s & 70′s malls. Probably because when we had them here we used to enjoy going to them. I hate waking up cuz he is dead again. My folks just don’t understand me talking to him when he is dead. But I know he hears me cuz of that sweet rainbow he sent me.
Recently when I went out to eat with some friends we got to laughing. A waitress at Shoneys whose friends with Mikes cousin said that boy I sure seemed happy that day and seemed surprised I’d be happy after Mike died. After that I felt so guilty about laughing even tho I know Mike would want me to and want me to enjoy myself. I should not be having fun when I am hurting so bad. I would give anything to have him back. He was my first and only love. I could never love another man. Not only cuz I love Mike, but I couldn’t handle the stress of having to tell another man all about Mike, telling him about how he died, breaking down over him and then being embarrassed about it. Plus no man would want me having pics of Mike all over the place or to have to deal with sleeping with my pillow with the pic of Mike in it or sleeping with my stuffed animals. While it would be nice to have someone to go places with, it would not be the same.
Mike & I were friends with a guy whose a folk singer. How we became friends with him is I became a fan of his and after that we went to a show of his and met him after the show. After that we started going to see him in concert whenever he came anywhere near VA. Well in Feb he is doing 2 shows in Hampton, VA, one show in Charlottesville and one in Northern, VA near DC. My folks are gonna go with me to the Hampton shows and my dad will stay int he motel room. My best friend who set me up on the blind date with Mike is gonna go to Charlottesville with me. But I have no one to go to Northern Va to see him with. My friend can’t go cuz of working and my folks refuse to go with me as they do not want to go anywhere near DC. My mom will not let me go alone (you know how moms worry) & I am kind of fearful to drive in all that traffic alone. So it looks like I won’t get to go and I am so upset about it. When Mike & I went we always stopped by this outlet mall in Woodbridge, VA. So now no show and no trip to the outlet mall. Cuz Mike passed on. So unfair. Last week I got Mexican food for the first time since Mike went. Got it on the way back from the drs. I have no one to eat Mexican with cuz my folks don’t like it and my friends can’t eat it cuz it’s too spicy. I don’t even get to do what I want now cuz Mike is gone. Oh well at least I am alive. I love you Mike!
Hope all goes well for everyone on here. Prayers just said for all of you…
Thank you so much… I thought you were speaking as if you knew me. I lost my wonderful husband from pancreatic cancer. It will be 2 years February 18th. He was very healthy and fit, a State Trooper and my rock. He got sick suddenly, he fought it hard, but lost his battle quickly and painfully. I was by his side..pushed that pain button as often as I could. He died on our couch as he wanted to, no hospital beds or strangers around him. It was him, our sons and me. Most painful nite of my life. Lots has happened since…kids moved on, married, college, babies… I am still here.. missing him. I have gone out, even dated… but my heart aches for him. I am 49 now… will be 50 in Sept. Our plan was… blah blah blah.. we had a plan.. to enjoy “our time”. We had earned it.. now what?
My heart is gone, with him until we are together again.
Forever,
Sue
I can relate to how Sue is feeling. Altho my Mike passed from a sudden heart attack, he passed on our living room couch. You’re not much older than I am. I’ll be 50 next yr. Scary.
I wrote on here about a new blog I did up in memory of my Mike but evidently my post didn’t post. So the link to the blog is:
http://mikeharrell.blogspot.com/
Sue,
I, too, lost my wonderful husband, Don, to pancreatic cancer in June 2008. You couldn’t find a more clean-living, seemingly healthy, sweet man anywhere on this earth, and yet he got that terrible disease. We fought it together with a lot of prayer, and alternative treatments in conjunction with limited conventional treatments, and he lived two years beyond expectation. In addition, he was pain-free and feeling “almost normal” for several months during that time. So, I know we were blessed with a little extra time, but I still long to be with him. He also passed at home with me, and I am thankful for that. In fact, I am thankful for many blessings in my life, but I still look forward to the time I will join Don for eternity.
Cheryl,
Am I remembering correctly that you are related to Jason Mraz? Shortly after Don died I heard Jason’s song “Lucky” and adopted it as ‘our’ theme song. I had never heard of Jason before that, and was surprised to read that you are related to him… a cousin, right? To me the lines, “I’m lucky to be in love with my best friend… Lucky to be coming home some day,” represent the love Don and I have, and the fact that I will some day join him in our eternal home. If you ever talk to Jason, thank him for the song for me, please. It has given me a lot of comfort.
I pray for you two as I pray for myself, and everyone else who suffers catastrophic loss: For peace from our Creator that transcends all understanding.
That is so cool you like cousin Jasons song and adopted it as ya’lls song. He is my 2nd cousin on my dad’s side of the family. His late grandpa and my dad are brothers. That line would fit Mike and I. I love and miss him so much. I’ll never believe he is gone. It is too much of a shock…
I know what you mean about not believing your man is gone, Cheryl. It’s been over 19 months since Don died, and I am just now slowly accepting it. For example, Don always liked to wash the windows, so I never have had to do it. For 19 months I have resisted washing windows. Unreasonable as it sounds, I think I was waiting for Don to do it. I felt that I would be preventing his being able to come back if I did what he always did, so I didn’t do it. I wasn’t actually thinking those thoughts, but in retrospect I can see that I was feeling that way without realizing it. Today I washed windows, and it felt OK. Not ‘good’ … just OK.
Hi everybody,
As I read all the comments, I want to share what I went thru thinking about and trying to date again…..Just the thought of kissing another man or holding hands…..nearly sent me off into a panic. I made vows to my Barry and they are still there. I am trying to find out what men goes thru in losing their wives. It would be nice to share some in depth thoughts without strings attached. I do not think that it is only us, women feeling this way.
I have to let the thought of trying to date go…I feel older and all I can talk about is my Barry and our wonderful relationship. Who would want to listen to all of that?
Fortunately, I have my friends and Barry’s friends that have stayed closed by the last two years. I have dinner parties with them just to celebrate Life. Maybe one day, if God grants it…I would be loved and to be able to love another being, again. In the meantime, I just carry my dreams on in helping others and guiding them. I just have to be me.
I am
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Denise,
Even though your 9-year-old doesn’t want to go to a therapist, if you feel you cannot handle getting your child to a better place, can’t get your child to talk, then I think you should take your child to the therpist, regardless of resistence. You are the parent. You wouldn’t skip going to the doctor if that were needed, would you? It’s the same thing, only this time it’s an emotional hurt, not a physical one. Sometimes you have to make them do things things your kids don’t want to do. You have to be the bad guy sometimes, especially when you know it’s for their own good. Don’t be a wimp about this. Don’t let this go. Take your child to the therapist. Don’t leave it up to them to decide. They’re too little, too inexperienced. to know or decide what will help them in the long run. Be the parent!
To Cheryl Harrell,
When I read your posts, it sounds like a teenager is writing them, not an adult. Since it’s been a year since your husband died, I’m curious – have you made any kind of life plan? Have you set any goals for yourself? You might feel a whole lot better about yourself if you devise how to obtain what you want out of the rest of your life. For example, if you want to get a place of your own and not live with your parents the rest of your life, write down the steps needed to accomplish it and then begin working towards that goal. Heck, make a list of everything you want to accomplish and then slowly work at getting everything done. Even if it takes you years to accomplish your list, you’ll start to feel better about yourself right away because you have a plan and are working towards accomplishing it. I think number one on your list should be to get some kind of job. Don’t you think you’ll feel better if you have some financial independence from your parents? Right now it sounds like they make all the decisions in your life and you’re too old for that to go on much longer. I don’t know how you put up with it. I’d go crazy if I had to live with my parents at this point in my life, but if it were to happen, the only thing that would make me feel better about the situation would be to begin working towards independence. You can start by making a list. It doesn’t require anything except a piece of paper and a pencil. Why don’t you give it a try?
Mary,
I agree, we need to let God lead us in all aspects of our lives, including our relationships with men other than our husbands. For me, my bond with my Don was my whole life and I had no room for in-depth relationships with any one else….. and I loved it that way! Now, in trying to release myself to God so He can guide me, I think it is time for me to learn to relate to others, especially other women. For the first time in my life I have a group of women friends, and I cherish each one. Also, my relationships with my children and their families is deeper now, but I am being cautious about becoming too dependent on them. Other men have no place in my life, and I believe the Lord will keep it that way because He created me for Don for eternity. But, that is just my path in the Lord. Everyone else has their own path to walk, and each path will be different.
Deborah,
It is wonderful to care about others and to try to help them; but, along the lines of what I wrote to Mary: Cheryl has her own path, and it’s direction is between her and her Creator. Her path may be very different from your path. We can pray for each other to be guided by our Creator to walk our paths as He guides, not as others guide. This is especially true of us on this forum, since we see such a small part of each others’ lives in what we write.
I pray that God guide and bless us all.
Hi Deborah
I have my 9 year old up for a childhood grieving group where a lady I know from School has many young children who lost a parent and holds a group session. She has her Masters degree in childhood psychology and suggested I need not use the word “therapist” or “psychologist” when I bring her there. This is how the other children get there by not using “adult terms” so I am going to take that advice and tell her I have some new friends for her to meet:-). I also have schooling in Psychology from Northwestern, so I would like to think I can handle it, but this is best as first and foremost I am her Mother and may not see the pain objectively. I can’t be objective because I am still in so much pain myself. My daughter is aware of what Psychologists due because of my schooling, so I’m not going to lie or force her into doing anything, she will open up it due time it may still be too soon. Thanks for trying to help but apparantly forcing the child to go is not a good option it backfires every time.
Hi everyone:
I have been reading the posts and find much comfort in the love and support given by most of the posts I have read.
I must say, however, because of my teachings, I am never to judge, criticize or condemn another human being. I (sometimes) feel that comments made about what another person should or should not do are out of place. Unless we know all that is involved in another’s life stream, we cannot know what is the right thing to do at any given time. Those decisions are entirely between each of us and our Mighty I AM Presence God.
I am in no way trying to preach. I just simply believe this is a wonderful forum for supporting each other, remembering each of us handles things in different ways, and knowing that time, love and support go a long way toward getting us all back to the pathway of light.
Please friends, let’s be kind to each other. There is enough hurt without trying to make someone feel like they are doing less than they should be doing. These are difficult times and whatever you may think, WE are all going to get through this.
Have faith. Love, Wisdom, Strength and Power to you all.
Terre
Dear Everybody,
Thank you. It is true…there are no time limits, no end of the Universe…It is only about our unconditional Love inside of our physical and spiritual hearts. God’s creations is all around us. It leaves me in awe at times.
I was listening to Deval Premal on the way home from work tonight. I was crying a little as the spiritual wave went thru me. It is to much bigger than us. We are only a speck in this Universe. We are just little starlings.
It comfort me to know that my Barry made it thru his rough life and found his spirituality. He will be there waiting somewhere to find me again. I had told him to go on and do what God requires of him. His spirit was waiting for me. With such a deep love that we carry, we will find each other again.
Like I said with my own lifetime of experiences, I can help others and guide them, to give encouragements, hope and love. I am planning on taking a couple of other classes so I can understand and be able to help.
I am working on healing the cracks and hole in my heart, so that I can be whole again.
Until each one of us is ready, then we will be able to see….That is why I have worked so hard on myself the last two years. It still is not an easy road.
Terre, Thank You for your I Am presence!
I am
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Ladies, don’t be harsh towards Deborah, she is expressing how she feels in and open and honest way. Sometimes when you write something, you don’t get the inflection to it as if you said it. Although I don’t agree with any sort of therapist for kids, unless they are showing disturbing behaviour, I understand this is more common on the west side of the Atlantic. Everyone does find their own way during this process, no matter how long it takes, but this site is here to express how we are feeling, to get support from others and hopefully along the way learn something.
So Deborah, keep giving us your thoughts. I know how you feel sometimes, because I feel that a lot of our ladies are living in groundhog day, where their lives stopped the day their husband died. In time they will either move on or not.
I for one, am moving on. I love my husband very much, but I know he would not want me living in the past and if I find another man or start dating, they will be told up front what they are getting into, because I’m not ready to put my photos of Martin away, but I am ready for the intimacy that only another person can give.
Stay strong ladies, and listen to what everyone has to say. You may not like it or agree with it, but that’s how we deal with it.
Much love
Normaxxx
We all come from different walks of life. Some of us old, some of us young, and some of us in-between. Some of us have children, others do not. Some of us highly educated, some of us not. Some of us believe in God, some of us not. Some of us lost our spouse suddenly and unexpectedly very young, some watched their loved ones deteriorate up until the time of passing. Whatever the circumstances may be we all have one thing in common, we have lost our soulmate and this is the reason we are brought together to help one another. We are not here to judge or be critical, we are here to support one another. There is no place for name calling or using negativity as it is hurtful and we do not turn to this site to be hurt, we turn to this site for comfort.
Having said that I hope that everyone has a blessed Sunday. Seems every event has painful memories. I was engaged on Superbowl Sunday so this time of year too brings such happy memories, yet such sadness since this is the first Superbowl without my Steven. I get sad looking through the obituaries and see very few pass under the age of 50. I can’t help but wonder why his life was cut so short, and so suddenly. I’m not sure if the suddeness hurts the most or that he had not even reached 50. One thing I do know for sure is this is the most painful experience in my life and I miss him profoundly. What I would not give to have just had the chance to say goodbye it just seems so cruel. I thank everyone for their Love and Support this site has for the most part been very helpful to me. As we bring January to a close I just wanted to say Thank You to Corrine and everyone on the site who has helped me. I have become so much more compassionate since my catastrophic loss, so I hope to at least help others if I can while I am here on this Earth.
God Bless and Love to everyone
Denise,
Thank you for your post…. you expressed my thoughts well. Your words brought me comfort, and I am sure they touched others, also. I am one of the older ones (but still too young to lose their life partner) who watched their cherished partner slowly deteriorate. I look back and think of so many things that I wish I would have said and done, but I must trust I did what was best for my man because I was praying constantly that I do just that. Since much of my identity was connected to my husband, part of me was also dying. Prayer and faith brought me through that horrendous time and is helping me cope now. Being able to share with others through this forum has been part of that help, and I am thankful for that. I hope my words have also been helpful to someone.
Blessings to all.
Hi Ladies, I too have found this site useful, but it goes to show the differences we have being on different continents.
I’m glad some of you have faith in a god to help you get through, and I’m also glad that those who don’t, me included, have found other avenues to share their grief.
No one wants to say hurtful things, but please understand that anger is a powerful emotion and sometimes this site is an outlet for it. I know that I’ve written a few posts when feeling angry and although I’d wished I’d taken a deep breath, I have no regrets writing what I have.
Above all, we need to accept how we are feeling at the time of writing. To have understanding of how the posts are written and to take them in context of how the person may be feeling, will allow us all to experience the different emotions we are going through and hopefully help each other through this.
I’m looking forward to going back to work next week, the mental stimulation and getting to see people who care deeply for me, will aid in the healing process.
Stay strong ladies.
Much love
Normaxxx
Eternal blessings to you Denise:
I went to bed last night and had a miserable time going to sleep. I simply could not get off my mind why anyone would use this forum to say such hurtful, unkind, critical things to anyone on this forum just because they feel they have a right to say whatever comes to mind.
When these things are said, I have to wonder where the love and compassion is. Books are perfect mediums to show us that we are all going through grief in different ways and none of them are wrong. Some take a shorter time to get through the process and others take longer.
I know I feel only love, compassion, understanding and patience because of my close relationship to my Mighty I AM Presence God.
I am absolutely certain I would have folded up the sidewalk long ago if not for that relationship.
Many do not have that, or have not yet connected. When the time is right, they will understand.
I am close to 70, and I had 44 years with my Larry. God knows I am telling the truth when I say he was/is the most kind, gentle, unconditionally loving, patient, sweet, loyal man I have ever known.
Even my Dad said to me one day when I made the comment to him, “I always hoped I would one day marry a man who is half the man you are.” His response to me was “Larry is twice the man I’ll ever be.” My Mother also said to me one day, “I’ve never seen anyone love someone as much a Larry loves you.”
I say these things over and over to myself sometimes to remind me how greatful I am to Larry, for Larry and also how greatful I am he is free.
I get the feeling that some people may be experiencing anger and maybe aren’t quite aware of how hurtful or critical things come across when read by others.
Denise: I was so amazed to read your post and how you so eloquently worded it. It has taken a load off my mind. You have so much strength and love. I can hear and feel it in your posts as well as your pain. I don’t know how you manage with yourself and your daughter. Even though I relate to your pain and loss, I have only myself. You are a VERY STRONG, WONDERFUL lady and mother.
Your daughter is fortunate indeed. You will come through this as will I and all those who are in the same process. I love you, Denise. And we both know without a doubt, where there is only love, nothing less that love can exist.
Eternal blessings to you too Jeanine:
I have read your posts and have found MUCH comfort from them as well as most others. I can relate well to everything you wrote in your last post. I know there are several steps to grief. It took me a while to accept my Larry no longer being with me in physical form. I did experience a very short time of regret. I was able to get past that because I am verbal and have no problem expressing myself. As a result of that, I always talked to him about everything. I even, on several occasions, asked him to forgive me for anything I might have said or done during your lives together that was unkind or hurtful. I tried my best to always be open with him. I have never experenced the anger issue regarding his passing. I am so greatful he is free, I can’t get any anger worked up. I must say I was selfish in the beginning, because one minute I wanted to die and be with him (no thoughts of suicide though), and the next minute I wanted him to be here with me. Forget the paragraphs here. Anyway, after a time, I realized how selfish I felt and now things are starting to feel more light instead of so heavy. I am still having difficulties because of being in an area where I know nobody, have no friends less than a hundred miles away and no family. I am, however, starting to really get re-connected with my Mighty I AM Presence God. Without that and beautiful people like you who know how to love, without judgement or criticism, I just might have lost the whole will to live. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you Corinne for allowing us to use this forum.
Light, Love and Blessings to you all. Terre
Hi Norma:
There is love on all continents. I like to read what I have written before I send it to make certain that I don’t hurt or judge anyone.
This forum is a place to express how we are feeling at any given time regarding the loss of our spouse. That is where the love and support should be.
This is not a forum to judge or criticize anyone about what they are doing or not doing, or about how their children are or are not being handled, etc. That has nothing to do with how you or anyone else may be feeling about the loss of their spouse. Where criticism and judgement are, support is not.
Please, let’s all keep focus of the purpose of Corinne’s great forum….love, compassion, listening, patience, understanding.
Love and Light to you always. Terre
Twitter: miraclady
January 31, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Dear Ones -
It would be nice, as Terre says, if this forum was just
“love, compassion, listening, patience, understanding.”
And it is – but let’s add forgiveness.
This may be the only place where the participants can vent anonymously and get away with it.
Most have to play nice everywhere else.
You were asking for book recommendations.
You might want to buy my book -
“Reflections from a Woman Alone” from Amazon.
It is now out of print – but
You can buy it USED for one cent!
It is sad – but also funny. You might need a laugh about now.
(no I will not make any money if you do)
Keep venting. We will listen.
Love to you all -
My husband died over 5 years ago after a 3 year battle with cancer. He was only 49. I was 52 and my daughter was 18 and son 15 when he died. My kids – now 23 and 20 – are still angry with ME that their dad died. It seems that they do not care at all about me – no visits at holidays, no cards, phone calls, no emails – no birthday wishes or Mother’s day gifts. My daughter moved 3000 miles away 2 years ago , almost never response me and never talks about having me visit her or her coming home to visit. My son lives with me, won’t do much of anything, and so might as well be living 3000 miles away, too. I have been to counseling, but have never been able to get them to go. I know that they need it to become healthy adults. All my friends are enjoying their college-aged kids, and grandkids and traveling with their hubbies and looking forward to wonderful retirements. I can say none of that will happen to me. I can’t even have a conversation with friends regarding kids as I do not have anything to say anymore. I wonder if my kids will ever be part of my family again? I don’t feel like a Mom anymore and don’t feel like I have kids . I did not think that when my hubby died that I would lose my children, too.
thank you Corine, I’m glad that at least 1 person understands where I’m coming from.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello friends, I haven’t written in awhile and am checking in to see how everyone is doing. The pattern I’m seeing is it is worse after the weekend has passed. Mondays are a terrible struggle for me and the children. I have started to “write him” letters about what the day has brought us, how much we/I miss him, etc. It seems to help because I cry and cry when I’m writing. It seems I can cry at the drop of a hat lately!
God Bless you all.
Lori
Dear Lori:
If it is any comfort to you, you are not alone. It is nearly 11 months for me now and I still have tough times, but I seem ( I use the word seem lightly) to be progressing more on the possitive path. Take good care of yourself.
Love, Light and Blessings to you. Terre
Wow to everybody!
I will have to go back after I get home from work today to read everything that was written. I have also been thinking that this support forum has been very helpful. I look forward to the connection and not feel so alone. This site gives a lot of encouragements with the struggling to survive and live without our soul mates.
I had my sixth class in Ministry II last night dealing with Past Lives. I see how our Past Lives affect our Present Lives. I see that my sweet Barry has always been there, dispite of our different paths. I pray that one day when we do find each other again, we can complete our lives together.
I just turn 61, January 17th. I have been working as a Chef taking care of senior citizens for the past 25 years. I have always related with older people because they have so many stories of living.
Living outside of myself have helped me to continue on. I am looking forward to helping people more in depth, than just feeding them.
I have always believe that we can heal ourselves thru the spirit, mind and body as a whole.
I feel sad for children that are effected by the losses. I find that they have to go thru it and hopefully they will find a way back to the light. If our losses of our spouses have effected us so deeply, imagine how hard it is for our children. It must be two or three times as hard, because they are not fully mature yet. We can only work on our own issues to become a better person by example no mature what the criticisms are. I have learn to listen deeply thru meditation. The answers are there for us when we are ready.
So a big Thank You to all of my friends out there.
With Love and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Happy Birthday to you Mary Lotus Butterfly. I am looking forward to your responses the the last few posts. Love and Light to you always. Terre
In 2 weeks I will have been widowed for 6 months. It’s getting worse every day and I don’t know how to get through anymore. I have a young daughter who is struggling with school and tomorrow she returns after being home for a week, she feels all the teachers hate her because she doesn’t go to school as much as she should and she can’t keep up with the homework. Today I was supposed to have an interview for a job I depseratly need and I went to the interview on the wrong day!!! I feel everything is getting out of control and nobody can help me. My parents are elderly and my father also has cancer, my friends are kind but they can’t be with me every time I feel low…If only I could spend a few days in bed wake up better?
Hi Gail
Friday, it will be 11 months since my Larry passed. Still, it seem to be a tiny bit better for me now. There are those days, however……. I seem to be at a point now, where I seem to be wondering how I am going to get through year after year now. So, I guess my vision/scope is starting to widen a little bit. At 6 months, I definitely was not there. When a job is needed, that is very stressful by itself, then, besides the loss of your husband, you have a daughter who is going through things she maybe isn’t quite grown up enough to handle. I find it difficult to hear so many say it takes “time”, I am really tired of that word. Even so, it is a fact. As you may have read, my husband and I were together for 44 years (24/7) and where I live, there is nobody I know and no family. Even though we are in similar yet different spaces, I do know how you feel regarding your loss and I am here to be a friend who understands. If you wish to e-mail or call, I will be glad to talk to you or type to you whenever you need me. Until I see you post again, Love, Light and Strength to you. Terre
January 24th was the anniversary of the sudden death of my beloved Earl. He was the love of my life for 40 years . I thought I was doing well but I have been so grief stricken for the past month. I long for him so very much but don’t know what to do. I go through the motions of living and getting done what has to be done. Does this pain ever go away?
To Mary Lotus Butterfly, belated birthday wishes, and to all love and blessings!
Zulaifa
Happy bd to Mary Lotus! Hope all are doing well. I love how everyone gets along so well on here. There are some message boards where they argue and I hate that.
Mon morning I had a bad nightmare about Mike. I dreamed he had never died and had been alive for a yr & I did not know it until I went to North Carolina and ran into him. I woke up scared and in tears. Went back to bed and had more nightmares where he never died and was alive & I did not know it. Very scary to me. I think maybe I want him to be alive instead of dead. But I know I saw him pass. I saw the emergency crew pushing on him and going breathe sir please breathe.
Tues morn I had a better dream about him. I was in some big town in their downtown area and it looked like downtowns did in the 60′s & 70′s. Suddenly Mike sent me 2 pretty rainbows in the sky and they were so beautiful. One of each side. I was taking pics of them like crazy.
I think the reason it seems like he was just something I dreamed for 23 yrs was. When he passed I immediately went to live with my folks. I never slept in the house after that. So I never experienced the sleeping in the house alone without him stuff. I don’t think I could’ve handled it. I miss him so much. In March it will be a yr since he went. I can’t believe it has been that long. I know I could never live a day without him or sleep without him and yet I have. Shock to my body and system so much shock I don’t believe what has happened. When I do fully believe it I will probably have the worst nervous breakdown ever.
I put up on YouTube a video of Mike doing the Beatles Nowhere Man song. I taped him singing along with the radio on a cassette recorder in the early 80′s. It’s here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0yH0CWpnsk
I have other vids up. If you want to see them just go to my Youtube channel. Some are in tribute to him but some aren’t which may be too off topic here. I just want to tribute him and show my love for him. He was my buddy who did things with me and now my buddy is gone…
Cheryl,
I visited YouTube and watched Mike! What a wonderful man. It warms my heart that you had such a wonderful love of your life. I know how you feel, my husband passed away on Dec. 19 of a sudden heart attack. It was a huge shock and I feel numb most days. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I have kids to raise. Keep writing and sharing with all of us. I know it is a comfort to me to have such a connection to my new friends.
Love, Lori
Hello everybody,
Thank you Terre, Zulaifa and Cheryl for wishing me a “Happy Birthday”.
When my Barry and I met on August 13th, 2004 Friday, we thought we were going to grow old together, hand in hand, cheek to cheek. We discovered that we both do Meditations. Our first date was a Tibetian Bowl Meditation with Reiki Healing. I was not sure of him. A voice inside of me told me to deeper, Mary. Look Deeper. So, I look out of the corner of my eyes with my eyelids almost closed. I saw what a wonderful spirit that Barry is. My Barry moved in with me one month later. His friends told him that it was too soon, that I might be an “Axe Murderer”!!! Barry told them, not this one…this one is for keeps!!!
Barry told them about our endearing words to each other everyday. When I come home from work, I would shut the front door to shut out the world. We would run to each other with open arms, hugging and kissing.
OK, everybody…what memories do you have in meeting your love of your life? This will help heal the pain…we can remember the deep Love. We can smile a bit…then we can laugh a bit…then we can listen to love songs…maybe we can dance a bit….
Hello Gail,
I remember how dizzy I was. I was so mixed up in what was and in the real world. It took some hard work on myself and time before things started making sense. Seek some spiritual counseling. Children are very delicate. I saw on the news oneday about a horse farm for children to go to learn to take care of them. With unconditional love, children and animals connect. Children then can open up without fears. Somehow, we need to find a way to extend ourselves to other people and animals to heal. We have find the strength and courage. There is a better day thru hope and love. Honor your husband. Carry on. Your husband would not like to see you like that. Remember as to why he fell in love with you. That is how I made it thru.
Blessings to all,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Shannon,
My Steven was also 49 when he passed away fron sudden cardiac arrest. I am sorry for your loss and that it was 3 years of cancer that must have been hard on everyone (even though it has been 5 years) I am sure you miss him and the relationship with your children very much. Your children now in their early 20′s may just be going through a phase. I am sure deep in their heart they love you. It must be hard for you. I am not understanding how if your husband died of cancer you could be to blame in their eyes and why the anger is directed towards you. Please know that each day brings new promises of hope. Your creator who made you loves you and you are never alone. God changes lives everyday and I will pray for you and your children. Thanks for sharing your story!
Doreen
I do not think the pain will ever go away. You had 40 years together with Earl how wonderful is that! He was so much a part of you and always will be. The cost of true love is deep pain when one passes and the other is left behind. Many never find someone, and I know it may sound cliche, but it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved (or been loved) at all. There are many who never find true love and die never having experienced it. It may not seem like it now but we have been blessed, we are lucky, and we will be together again one day with our loves. Have Hope and stay strong-I am sure Earl would not want to see you in such pain.
Gail
You are traveling a long hard road, we all are in our journey of grief. A bright day is on the horizon, and things are going to get better if you have the faith. In 6 days I will have been a widoww for 6 months too, so I am right there with you. I also have a 9 year old daughter and my Father also has Cancer. I also need to find a job and health benefits for my daughter and I. None of this matched my plan, but God has a plan for us and it will be revealed. See e have alot in common and maybe we can help each other in some ways.
All
My love to everyone and God Bless! If tears could build a stairway to Heaven I would have been there and back a thousand times in the last 6 months. I have never cried so much in my whole life!! These last 6 months I have aged 10 years. This is such a hard journey but everyone has had some advice that has helped me. In turn we help eachother and that alone should make everyone feel just a little better.
That is the purpose of this experience, if any good can come of profound sorrow, it is we have have the ability to truly understand how it feels to have loved and lost and help one another.
Glad for the new and old who have found us and joined the site. We love to hear from you and share in your pain & sorrow. God Bless
I’m pleased that I share a birthday month with you, Mary, even if I am three years older than you. Unfortunately, my birth day is the same date as the day Dorene’s husband died. I know how you feel, Dorene. My Don was the center of my life for 43 years, and we both loved it that way. It’s hard to feel there is a reason to keep on living, when the purpose of your life is gone….. but we must. Our Creator has left us here for a purpose, and we must fulfill it.
Thanks for posting the link for Mike’s music, Cheryl. Makes me think I should figure out how to post Don’s music, since I have several videos of him playing guitar and singing.
After over 19 months without Don, I feel like I’ve reached a turning point and am slowly accepting that he really is gone from this life. I am at peace with it more often than not. Yes, I still have times of deep grief, but they are further apart now. My love for him is as strong as ever, as is my resolve to honor him throughout the rest of my life, looking forward to the time we can be rejoined for eternity. But, I am able to look forward to the experience of becoming a stronger, more independent woman who is able to help others, rather than be a burden. I’m seeing life as an ‘interesting experience’ from here to the end, rather than something to have to endure. I’m ready for it to end whenever our Creator wants to take me home, but I’ll enjoy the ride as much as I can, for as long as it lasts. Having a place like this to write my thoughts helps…. thanks for being willing to share your thoughts, too. God bless you all.
Hallo Ladies, I’m new on this web page. My one and only love of my life died on the 5th of December 2009 of cardiac arrest myocardial infarction he was only 37 years old. In December I had to face the heart attack, his death, his birthday, his funeral, his crimation, christmas and new year all in one month. Two years ago I was 6 months pregnant and we had to terminate our pregnancy due to complications. We were going to start a family this year which obviously is not going to happen. So many of you are so blessed to have children I never got that chance and I wanted a child with him so badly. It just doesnt make sence to me why at such a young age he had to be taken away from me. I’m completely lost without him he did absolutely everything for me I never had to ask my husband to do things he just did it. I miss him so much people say time heal, but time for me just gets worse.
Thanks for the nice comments on my Mike. My darling Doodles. I have some more videos up on there. Tributes to him with pics set to oldies or gospel music. And other vids too like of places we went etc and events we went to. So sorry about ya’ll hubbys passings. The only reason I don’t cry every day or minute is cuz I am in shock and don’t believe he is gone. I now have to go the church valentines banquet without him. It hurts seeing the valentines ads on tv. Even the ones for roses even tho I never had him get me roses cuz I told him they would just die & I’d rather have something that lasted like clothes. So I’d have him get me some clothes I wanted. He used to get me candy before I became diabetic. I think I still have a rose made out of a beach shell he got me at the beach once. I saw it and comment I loved it but wouldn’t but it for myself cuz it was something a hubby would get a wife. He got it for me bless his heart. Oh how I miss him. I cried over him earlier looking at pics of him I miss him so…
Good Morning Folks,
Talk about being dizzy, lost in space, time-warp….having trouble remembering things….it is because us, wives that went thru a very dramatic emtional and physical loss. I am in one of those moods this morning. I am selling my house and I need to remember something, but for the life of me, I cannot. I thought it was 15 years ago, but is is only 5 years ago. I feel like I cannot handle too much pressure and stress. I am in a different time zone and world. I do not think that I will be the same as I was at one time. I am working on “Being better than I used to be”!
I started to cry. I thought I had it under control, but I am still very sensitive. I pray and hope to God, that my mind will be alright one day again.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Joanie, welcome to the site. You will find a lot of support here, even if you need to get out some horrible emotions like anger.
I’m like yourself. I never got the chance to have a baby with my husband, but I think if we had, then dealing with his illness would have been so much harder for both of us.
Take heart, my sweet, you have had to deal with such a lot over the past 8 weeks, you are only at the start of this chapter of your life. We all grief in different ways and we all take as much time as we need to cope (not get over, because we probably will never get over the loss of our other halves).
Stay as strong as you can, and if you are having a bad day let us know about it, we will help you through, as we all do for each other. Life will resume, but only at your pace. Don’t feel pressurised in to doing things from friends or family, but don’t get stuck in December. Your husband will have wanted you to get on with your life.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi Joanie, Welcome! My husband died Dec. 19th of the same thing your hubby did. Some days I feel like I just want to stay in bed and cry and cry. We were married 25 years last June and he was only 52 when he died. It is so hard and “raw” yet. I have had some people actually say to me, “it’s been 6 weeks I thought the kids would be better by now” (we have 4 kids together). I have to wonder if it is just a total lack of emotional intelligence or they don’t want to feel bad and hate it see all of us feeling sad so they don’t have to feel anything. I go to bed each night and think I wish time would fly so I could be with him. We had a wonderful relationship and did everything together or as a family. Missing him is an understatement. Do you find the little things sneak up on you? God Bless, Lori
Lori
I feel the same way you do! I love sleep but am so sad upon awakening:-( I forget and have to grieve all over again and remind myself Steven is gone from this earth. One thing that amazes me is people think that you or your kids can just “get over” the sadness and resume life as it was. What are they thinking? Have they never loved anyone so deeply that they don’t know the sorrow that goes with the profound loss of a loved one/soulmate? OR Are they just afraid of facing the fact that tommorow may never come, they are not ready, and think they are immortal and don’t have to think about death because they are never going to die? I have ran accross all scenarious and this is the part of the grieving process that amazes me the most. Most people just don’t want to think about dying, I understand that, but our time on earth here is so short compared to what God has in store for us with the gift of everlasting life upon our earthly death. We are all dying, it is just a matter of when. If people can’t face the fact that sudden and unexpected death is a fact of earthly life, they are living on a planet other than Earth I have been living on. I guess all we can do is pray for the ignorance because they either have never loved deeply, have no compassion or have not yet become wise to the pain of grief we feel every waking moment. I can say I am not afraid to pass from this earth because I know Heaven awaits me. I will be honest though I am afraid to suffer, and one never knows how we will pass so I need to work on that. Ok Here goes another 40 years of the same prayer before Bed: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my Soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my Soul to take. Goodnight & God Bless
Denise/Lori, here, here.
I find everything you’ve said (sorry apart from your faith statements, sorry), to be so true. Some people don’t get it or have been brought up “to just get on with it”. I’m trying to get on with it, but I find the loss of my mum and husband has turned me into a frightened wee lassie when it comes to my Dad. I’m scared to call him, in case he doesn’t answer, as he is unwell (thankfully just his heart, confirmed that he has an infection regarding his water works), but it sends a chill through me thinking that something might happen to him. Lossing mum and Martin so close together I wonder if lossing my Dad might push me over the edge.
I am on anti depressants, Although it’s only been a few weeks and they’ve not had a chance to kick in properly, I know that I’ll need them for the rest of this year for sure. I’m a very strong person, probably the strongest anyone will meet, but I don’t deny the fact that I need this help to get me through the days. I returned to work this week on what they call a phased return. I missed my work most whilst looking after Martin, and although I should feel guilty at how much pleasure its giving me, I don’t. Martin knew how much I loved my job, and although he probably would have liked me to try something different, I know in my heart that he would be happy, because I’m happy. Everyone I’ve met at work that hadn’t heard my knews have been great. They haven’t been judgemental towards me (i.e. are you sure you want to come back this soon), as most of them know what kind of person I am. I’ve kept my black sense of humor so tend to make a joke of things, letting everyone know that I’m single and back on the market, although not sure what I’d do if someone asked me out. Sometimes it’s just all talk. I miss Martin so much I find it hard to go to bed at night and most nights I find myself falling asleep on the couch. When I do go to bed I have strange dreams, never about Martin or Mum.
I know things will never be normal again, and I know that in my professional life I’m so in control and organised, that in my personal life I need a man, someone who will tell me what to do. I don’t mean a man to control me, but one that will keep me on track. Martin did this for me although I was in control of the finances, and daily household things, he kept me focused on other things and I liked him to take charge in the bedroom. He was my only relationship, and I always thought he would be my one and only relationship, but you never know what is around the corner, do you ladies?
I now find that I can do whatever I want. If I don’t want to go home after work, but go out, see friends or even stay late, I can. A whole new world has opened up for me and it’s up to me to take advantage of that and start doing things I want to do for me. Like Martin said, promise me you’ll come first after I die, you do far too much for others and it’s time to think of yourself first. I am going to try and put myself first, but as someone he gets immense pleasure out of helping others this could be a hard task to achieve.
Well ladies, I’ve rambled on long enough.
Stay strong.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi everybody,
Happy Birthday Jeanne. Capicorns are down to earth people.
I was thinking about the song “Slip and Slide”. That is what I am doing. Barry’s two year mark was January 26th. I came down with a serious cold which I have been fighting this past week. It is funny how I came down with the cold. My subconcious mind and my body are still grieving. I have to acknowledge it. I do miss my Barry so much. I just have to pick myself up and keep going.
As to my mind and memory lost, I can only proceed on with my life at this point on. I am not going to fight so hard to get my memory back. I only have memories of Barry…our lives together…the happiness and love that we have. That is all I need to remember. If the rest of the memories comes back a bit at a time, so be it.
Thank you all for listening.
Mary
Thanks for the birthday greetings, Mary. I know what you mean about ‘slip and slide.’ One day I’ll feel strong and ready to tackle the world, and then the next day all I want to do is just quietly and quickly (and, like Denise, without suffering) slip into ‘real life’…. the one with our Creator, and now my Don.
I talk to Mike every day and wave hi to him up in heaven. I love him very dearly. I am so heart broken even in tears right now. But I am in such shock that I don’t cry every day. I don’t believe my baby is gone. I just know I could not survive without him so how I have survived nearly a yr without him I’ll never know. I think I am in such shock and denial, I will never ever get over it. I want him back so bad. They have to let him come on back home cuz I need him worse than heaven does. I better get back to bed before I cry myself to death. It’s good to vent on here…
I am now looking a pics of him I uploaded to Webshots. I better get back to bed. I loved looking at my darling baby…
Hi Cheryl:
I know exactly how you feel. It will be one year on March 5. Memories are so absolutely dear and clear. I do so much wish there was a way to have phone conversations because it would feel so much different than typing, but I do agree, this is a wonderful outlet. Thank you again Corinne.
Cheryl, have you tried putting a picture of your ‘Baby’ on your desktop. I have pictures of my Larry in ‘my pictures’ and when I right click on one of them, I then sellect ‘set as desktop background’, and my Sweetheart greets me every day whenever I sit down at the computer.
It’s just a suggestion and it helps me feel his presence. For some, it may be a bit much, but then again, different strokes for different folks.
Take care of yourself and Love and Light to you always. Terre
Thanks for the suggestion. I had added a picture of him to the wallpaper I had on there which was a wallpaper I had done up of the stars I am a fan of. I hated to quit using it as I loved it so I incorporated Mike in it so I ca see him too. Thanks for your support.
My mom drove me crazy earlier. I was mentioning about how I thought he should not have died etc and she told me “It’s been a yr get over it”. I told her that was a horrible thing to say etc and gave her a fit for it. Didn’t mean to get so upset but I just can’t take it anymore. She means well but I just can’t take it…
I had another nightmare about him being alive when I thought he was dead. This time he was driving my car even tho he was legally blind and I could not stop him & he got into a wreck. I was so mad at him in the dream and woke up from it upset and freezing cold.
I am sick of the nightmares about him and sick of him being dead. I want him back. Sigh. Feels so good to vent here. Sorry to dump on ya’ll…
Dear Cheryl,
I am sorry that you are having a low day. It is very hard when others are insensitive or harden. I had a few of that myself…”You still at it”?…”Did you not find someone else yet”? And yet there are some that see the deep love that we carry. They could see it. A couple of my co-workers told me that they could see the love that I have for my Barry.
One time, I called Barry’s cell phone number so I could hear his voice…but I found that Barry had changed it to an automatic voice mail. I was so devastated. I loved Barry’s soft voice. Luckly, I have a DVD of our wedding with him reciting his wedding vows to me. We wrote our own vows. We had the most beautiful spiritual wedding at a Buddhist Temple. We did a “Sand Ceremony”, also. No one can divide us apart. The grains of sand is forever together. All of our guests were crying.
With Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Thank you for letting me share this with everybody.
My mom doesn’t mean to be that way. She later came and told me she was sorry and why don’t I lay in the bed with her. I didn’t cuz I was comfy in the lazyboy chair. I fell asleep and had another dream that Mike was alive and I just found out. I want to have more of the good dreams about me going places with him and not the nightmares. Some folks have told me too that they could see the love Mike and I had. Even tho there is a verse in the Bible that says you are free to remarry when you hubby dies, in my heart I will always be married to him. Thanks for your support everyone…
Cheryl,
In the Bible it does say that a widow is free to remarry, but it also says that Paul believed a widow would be happier if she did not remarry. Therefore, there is scriptural support for both those who choose to remarry, and those of us who choose not to remarry.
You’re right. I had forgotten what Paul said. I believe it is whatever makes someone happy. If they want to re-marry fine and if they don’t fine. It’s your choice. Hope I didn’t make it seem like I thought the Bible said we were to re-marry. Sometimes I don’t word stuff right.
I’m doing some better now. I just hope I don’t have anymore nightmares in my sleep…
You and the others inspired me to do a new wallpaper with my stars in it and a nice big pic of Mike in it. Mike is in the middle and the pics of the stars are around the top bottom and sides kinda framing him and then a frame around it. I think it looks better than the one I had up there which was one of my stars where I added a pic of him to it. This new one so makes him the focal point. I need to get back to sleep…
Cheryl,
I hope you enjoy your wallpaper of your Mike as much as I enjoy mine of my Don!
You worded your message just fine. Perhaps mine came across sounding differently than I meant. I was just wanted to point out that the Bible shows that our Creator supports whichever route we choose, to either remarry, or not.
I hope you were able to sleep well, with no more nightmares.
The wallpaper if nice of him with my stars and I am loving it. Nor more nightmares so far but I know I will have more. I watched some of the SuperBowl even tho I don’t care for sports, not only to see the Who sing on there but to pay tribute to Mike. He never missed a SuperBowl and this is the first one he has missed. I know he was praying and guiding the Colts since he loved them…
Cheryl
What do you have nightmares about my Dear one?
All
Superbowl Sunday was hard as that is when I was engaged 22 years ago. I relish in all the happy memories but long for my Steven. It will be 6 months on the 9th and it seems I miss him more with each passing day.
God Bless
Hope you didn’t think I was having nightmare about your hubby. I have them about my dear Mike sometimes. I dream he came back to life and I am mad at him for dying on me or either I dream he was alive all this time and I never knew about it and I’m mad at him for not telling me he wasn’t dead. Very scary. I love the good dreams about Mike tho…
Hi Cheryl
I understand your nightmare comment now I guess I missed a few of your posts. Rest assured Mike is in a better place for Gods love is inescapable. He is not suffering and would not want you to be in such pain and suffering. There is everlasting life and you will be together one day. Earthly life is so short compared to Eternal life. The more profound love you feel for someone the longer and more painful the temporary seperation will be, but remember it is just temporary. Mike knows you are not mad at him for leaving, it was not by his choice. I know how hard it is to miss someone, to long for them and want them to be alive on Earth. Don’t ever lose hope in your earthly existence for Mike will always be in your heart and he knows how much you love and miss him. Love never dies it only gets stronger. I will pray that Peace enters your sole a little more everyday and one day it will all be revealed why Mike has gone before you. God Bless
Hello Cheryl and everybody,
I just got home from work. There was a big eposides between a couple. They met a while back after his wife passed away. This new woman is very processive, dominating and abusive. She has some issues for sure. The reason as to why I am telling this story is that I told the man…that my husband always appreciated and wonder about the unconditional love that I have for him. My Barry stated that I never told him “I love you, now change”! I miss my Barry more and more as time goes on. I hold his love for me in my heart dearly.
I am going to try to concentrate on fixing up the second bedroom, which is my office. There are boxes still packed from moving. The Buddhist robe that he wore at our wedding, I want to hang on pins of some kind on the wall. I have pictures that belongs to Barry to hang. I have a picture of him, when he was 25 years of age. He was so cute. I have pictures of Barry and I all over. I have our Wedding Certificate in Chinese. I will hang that up on the wall, also. This is a dedication to our love together. As to someone saying that we should put the pictures away…well we do not have to!!!! Just because some time went by or the two year mark came and went…it did not erase the love that we carry. I believe that if love ever comes to us, again….it would take a different turn and a new path. There is honor and respect on each one of these paths.
Cheryl,
Quiet yourself down. Do not fight so hard. Meditate. Listen to the inner self. You will hear. Put your love that you and your husband have together up front. It is very hard with grieving. I did not like the grieving to control me. I do not like situations or others to control me. I went to see a physic reading. Thru it I let my Barry go. He was waiting for me. He was not all the way into the light. Because we were soulmates, we had made so many vows and promises to each other. It was like a shackle holding him. Because of our love, I freed him to continue on his journey with God. True, I said at times that I did not love him or that I am so angry with him…but it is our ego being speaking. I know that my Barry will be there waiting for me with open arms, when I am finally called. I cry, but the love carries me thru. Be brave. Be GGP…gently, graciousfully and peacefully as you walk thru your life.
Peace and love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Greetings ladies..new to the club, my husband died on Sunday, Jan. 7, 2010 after a long illness. He fought a couragous battle for the last 3 years but suffered so much. It was so hard to let go, but the pain I saw in his eyes was unbearable. My daughters and I are in shock because he had no contingency plan…he WAS going to beat this cancer! So, now I’m searching for direction, no family and hopefully lovely ladies that can cyber guide me thru the most difficult time in my life. We were married for 24 years, have to daughters 21 and 23 one has a birthday on Friday…shitty! But there is not a good time to die! Like most I consider myself intelligent, I worked at our company that he founded with a partner and not too sure how I fit into that now…but it is our source of income…OMG to much to think about and do!
Nice to have a venue to vent…thank you!
Hello Liza,
I’m sorry you have a reason to go looking for a support group like this, but am glad you found this one. My husband also fought a courageous battle with cancer, pancreatic cancer, for 27 months. We both prayed to beat the cancer, but it wasn’t to be. He died in June 2008.
As you probably know, if you’ve read through past posts, my main “coping mechanism” has been faith and prayer……. and LOTS of both! In addition, my daughter and I attended a six-week grief support group through Hospice. We met once a week and learned about the grief process, plus connected with others who were going through similar emotions, etc. It definitely helped.
Hopefully your daughters will be as much a comfort for you (and you for them) as my daughter and I have been for each other. My son and his wife have also been wonderful, but live over 60 miles away, whereas my daughter lives just a few blocks away.
Your involvement with your company might be a beneficial distraction for you. My husband and I had recently retired, so I plunged myself into volunteer activities to get the distraction I needed, plus the contact with other people that I would have avoided otherwise. In addition, I became involved in several Bible study classes in order to get the direction and guidance I so desperately needed.
It has now been over 19 months since my man went to be with our Creator, and I am still eagerly looking forward to the day that I can join them, but am also able to appreciate each day I have here in a way that I never understood before he died. I am thankful for Internet discussion groups like this, as they have also been a helpful…. sometimes in a strange way…. but definitely helpful!
Feel free to vent all you want…… we are here to ‘listen,’ and I hope we can give you some ideas that can help you.
Hello Liza, Welcome aboard. You are free to express yourself here–you are among friends. My husband of 25 years died Dec. 19th it is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I miss him more each day. I am very thankful for this site because I know I am not alone.
God Bless,
Lori
Hi everyone,
i know this is a site for woman who’s husband have died… but my father died 3 1/2 years ago. While ive been given the tools(and worked very hard) to cope, i do worry about my mom. She and i have talked very recently for the first time about his death, im really proud of her being about to do that and i know she feels the same about me, but id like to understand more of wheres shes coming from. Theres this one thing that just sticks out to me and id love some incite, she still counts the years that have passed without him towards her marriage. Now i have no idea if anyone else does that, if its ‘normal’ or if this is a bad sign and she needs to see someone. Im really at a loss, so thank you and god bless
Liz
Twitter: miraclady
February 9, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Dear Liz -
You probably know I write other articles besides this one.
A young woman asked a similar question and I put it on my blog.
Perhaps you will get some comfort from the kind people who suggested thing to help.
Just copy the link below into your browser and it will bring you to the article and the comments.
And God bless for caring.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/grandmother-is-grieving-advice-needed/
I just lost my husband on Jan 25th and I also lost my dear sister on Jan. 8th. Double whammy. How devestating to have such a great loss in such a short time frame. You are right, people have so much advice and offer so many suggestions, most of which I ignore. I know what is best for me, at least I hope I do. I miss my husband dearly and I am not ready to make him just a memory, nor my sister. They were real people who made a mark on this world and I know they touched a lot of people’s lives. I Miss Them!
Still grieving,
Monica
Hi Ladies
Monica – anger is OK, like you I lost 2 dearest and nearest 4 weeks apart. My mum passed away 5th November and then my husband on 1st December. I know your pain and I feel your anger. Stay strong, it’s never easy to mark the passing of a relative let alone 2 so close together. You’ll get there in your own time. Here you will find great support, from those who take strength from their faith and those who are strong without it. I’m the latter, but I respect those who are strong in their faith.
Liza – good to hear that you found this site, it has been a great place of support for me, even if I don’t always agree with how others handle their grief, who am I tell someone else how to handle it. Thankfully we are all different which will give you a wide broad prespective on how we deal with our grieving process. Stay strong.
MLB – you are a darling, I agree with you regarding photos. When ( I wanted to write If, but trying to stay positive), I meet someone else they will have to deal with the photos’ of Martin I still have up. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to put them away and if any prospective beau asks me to, then he’s not the right man for me. I love the idea you have for making a tribute to your husband, I just wish we could all see the finished product. May the light of your life always shine and guide you through the darkness.
Much love to all and stay strong ladies.
Normaxxx
Welcome to the new folks. So sorry about your husbands and loved ones. I had a couple more nightmares about Mike where he was alive for a yr & I did not know it and was mad at him for it. I wish the nightmares would stop. I love him so much. I did have a few other good dreams where I went places with him like shopping and eating out. I want more of those kind of dreams and not the nightmares. I will never not display my pics of Mike. I am proud to sleep with a little pillow I bought in the dollar store after Mike passed that has where you can put a pic in it and I have his pic in it. I call it Mike Pillow or Pillow for short. And also sleep with my stuffed dog and 2 reindeer and a bear with a pic of Mike in a holder around it’s neck. They are my babies. Love you Mike…
Hi everybody,
I went into work a couple of hours this morning. I take care of seniors citizens at a facility for the last 25 years. I made a strawberry sauce for the ice-cream sundaes. We are celebrating Valentine this whole weekend. I came home and cried a bit.
I find that not all people understand. Some say that it is two years and I should be over it and move on. I have a memory lapse of my past living. I remember certain things at times, then I cannot remember other things until someone brings it up. I am living in a time warp of some kind. Maybe it is because my Barry’s and mine souls touched each other. Maybe I saw a fragment of the light with him.
Anybody else out there that experience this?
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Mary
One of the most amazing things on my grief journey is the reponses of those around me. People simply do not like to talk about the one who has passed and I act as if Steven is still with us, even though it has been 6 months. I believe his soul hears and see’s everything and he is and will always be in our heart and in our thoughts. I have been told this is unhealthy, but my soul tells me otherwise. The soul connection with him has not been lost, Love never dies and will never be severed. People are afraid to think that they too may pass suddenly and/or unexpectedly, so they simply just do not like to think about it or talk about it. I find this so hurtful. I also do not like the words death or died- the correct term is passed. People think talking about the person you lost will “make you sad” but instead it is essential to feel the emotions in order to heal the open wound. If they are not willing to help you heal (like we are on this site) know you always have us. Some even act “immortal” like passing will never happen to them- now that is unhealthy!! They may be selfish and not want themselves to be sad. Everyone needs to be prepared from passing this earthly life. Try not to be offended for these people need to be pittied, they either have not loved so profoundly, they have not lost or they are simply put spiritualy dead. I want to talk about Steven, I want his daughter to always remember him and know that she can talk to him at any time (she just can’t see him). For those who think “seeing is believing” do not understand … “believing is seeing”. You can say goodbye to the physical body and the relationship you once had, but you need never say goodbye for good, for the souls will always be intertwined and the Love you feel may often time grow deeper as time passes. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.
So on this Valentines Day Friends, the first one without the Love of my Life (and the same for many of you regardless of the years that has passed), I wrote a special Poem and copied our Wedding Song -Always & Forever” onto a sheet of paper with his picture and I will leave it at his grave. While that part of visiting the grave is not necessary – I do it because it helps me heal. It is not necessary because really all you need to do is read or pray your words next to a bright light (like a candle) and your loved one, I feel, will hear your words. I do not care if people think I am crazy- I am far from it. I am spiritually alive and that is a good thing I am blessed. This pain that has wripped my heart apart has left me with wisdom, compassion and Love for all of you. I would not understand if I had not lost, we are blessed to have one another!
So strength and Love to you as you all as you find your individual ways to cope with this weekend of Valentines Day. My prayers are with you all- God Bless!
Wow, Denise, such words so full of wisdom that relates to all, believers and non believers both.
I’m with you on this. Others can’t tell you how to feel or when to move on, it’s down to us to decide that.
MLB, you shouldn’t worry, you’re not in a time warp, your soulmate has “passed” (sorry Denise, sometimes the time comes to acknowledge, death) and you miss him. With age comes memory loss (sorry no offense intended) so in the natural order of things its appropriate to remember some things and then need to be prompted by everyday things.
I cry so much easier than I used to, but I cry at other things and not at the loss of Martin. It’s like I’m compensating for the promise I made him. On the day of his funeral service, before the coffin was loaded in to the hearst, I made him a promise that there would be no tears, just happiness. Not at his death, but for the life he had even if it were only 46 years.
And then I cry at the oddest of times, because I miss him and usually when I’m on my own. At work today I had to fill in a few more people who hadn’t heard and I’m finding this OK and easy to handle. The hardest thing is the reaction to the news. Not my problem really.
It will be 16 years on Sunday since I meet Martin, and next year it will be 17 years, just like it will be 14 years of marriage in August. Just because he’s gone, doesn’t stop me counting the length of time I knew/know him, because he will always be with me, 2 souls intertwinned.
Stay strong my lovely ladies.
Much love
Normaxxx
Wow, day 5 since I lost my husband and who knew there would be so much to do! So many decisions…OMG!
Memorials, tributes, dinners, “arrangements”…yuck…I just want to crawl into a hole and ignore the world..just don’t understand why the sun still rises everyday..I thought maybe 100 people at the memorial, and 60 people at the tribute reception…too many emails stating I should expect over 300 at the memorial and over 100 at the tribute reception…shit I wish my husband had left me a plan…what the hell he would have wanted..but not so much! So, planning events, when all I want to do is hug my girls and cry….it’s nice to hear all your positive comments via my email box…you help me realize that this too shall pass and maybe sometime soon, my positive nature will prevail! Wow, this should not be so hard…WWDD (What Would Daddy DO)?
Ok–today is a terrible, horrible, very bad day. I don’t know if it is because Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and I have saved every card from him for the past 25 years, or if I recently have had too much time on my hands, but everything is making me sob today. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my life back. Please–stop the world, I want to get off! I just want my husband back, my kids just want their dad back! This is so unfair.
Lori
I have been having the same kind of day. I am going to keep it short because I can’t offer a whole lot of encouragement I am at my weakest point. Let me say I know how you feel and I feel the same …I want him back and feel your pain to the point of feeling physically ill where I want to vomit. You are not alone…
Hello everybody,
My Pastor told me that I am OK. I am not insane or lost my mind. I do not have alzheimer. I am just going thru deep grieving and it has to take its course. There is no time limit or answers as to when it will end. I know when we love someone deeply, it does have an effect on us. My Barry has been the first one lost thru death on this plane. It is because I connected to him spiritually. My Pastor told me that so many people wish they had spent lifetimes looking for that kind of love.
So…be gentle on yourselves. Be gracious on yourselves. Be patience on yourselves. Love yourselves and remember. It will be OK.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello everybody,
The movie that I was trying to remember came on TV tonight. It is called “City of Angels”. I watched this movie with my Barry. It made an impression on me as to what it is like to be human.
Mary (MLB)
To Mary (MLB)
I also have experienced lapses in memory. I think I must have lost at least six months or more of “writing to the hard drive” right after my Roger passed. I moved through life experiencing events that I have no memory of experiencing. People tell me I did this and that and we went here and there, but I have no memory of any of it. I’ve been told that it happened because I suffered a terrible shock. The mind goes into a kind of preservation mode and isn’t interested in taking in more than it can absorb which explainsmy huge gaps in memory around the time Roger passed away. It was both a physical and mental shock when Roger left me. I went around for weeks thinking it was just a nightmare and like others on this site, I voiced my feelings of despair out loud. I repeated things like “I want him back” and “When will I wake up from this nightmare?” I think I did this in the hopes that some omnipotent power would hear me and return Roger to me. Never mind the fact that he had been cremated. I actually thought that if I wished hard enough, Roger would come back to me. One of my favorite movies before Roger died was Return To Me, but it’s been nearly seven years, and I still can’t bring myself to watch it. Roger passed away approximately two weeks after John Ritter died and only now have I been able to watch anything with John Ritter in it because it reminds me of that terrible time in my life. I’m still protecting myself. I wonder if this will ever go away or will I live out the rest of my life experiencing many reminders of his passing? I hate to even drive by the funeral home where Roger’s memorial service was held because it might bring back feelings of intense pain and sorrow. Seven years have gone by and sometimes it feels as if he passed away last week. Other times I can go for several hours and not think of him, but I have no control over those times when I am suddenly bombarded all over again with the pain of losing him. I remember wishing that I could have just one more phone call with him. I actually wished that everyone who had lost someone they loved could be granted one final conversation with their loved one. Since it never happened, I don’t know if this would actually have helped me process losing him, or if it would have made it even harder for me to let go. Maybe that’s really it. Each of us is being asked to let go of someone we loved intensely, and like a six year old, we’re stamping our feet and crying “No, no, no. Why should I?” How do you ever really let go?
Beautifully said Deborah.
Denise, How did Valentine’s Day go? That was a tough one.
Hi Lori
I am so glad Valentines day is over I survived it but hated every minute of it. Not having Steven here I definitely went backwards in healing- lots of anger. I saw a man at the mall today who was 6’3″, about 190 pounds, blonde hair with the same jacket as my Steve. For a minute I about lost it and I raced to see his face and he was not handsome like my Steven- it was not him. Gosh I do not want to feel this way anymore -guess I don’t have a choice, still hoping for some brighter days!
How about you? Are you feeling any better?
Denise
I, also, have had memory problems. Often I feel like I’m slowly coming out of a deep coma of numbness. During the 27 months following my Don’s cancer diagnosis, all I focused on was getting him healed. I could not fully accept that he was dying, right up to his final breath. It just was not possible to me that he could die, so I couldn’t accept it. It has been twenty months since he left this world, I still cry out, “I want him back!” when the longing for him overwhelms me. I think I am slowly accepting that he is gone for now, but I have no intention of ‘letting him go,’ if that means putting him in my past and not expecting to have any contact with him again. Instead, I am learning to accept that he is gone from my present, and to be content with the joy of knowing that we will be joined again in the future. That knowledge does bring me great joy, but so many things happen that make me long for him again, and again, and again. As I type this I am listening to a song by the David Crowder Band that has the refrain, “You never let go.” That’s my motto now. However, I do know that I am to be useful to others during the time I have left on this earth, and that needs to become my focus now. I’m trying.
I am so glad Valentine’s Day is over. That was a tough day–and the day before was really hard too. The progress I thought I may have been making was thrown to the wind and I feel I regressed in my sadness. Is that what we are to expect with each new “first” without our husbands? I am quite conflicted because I feel I need to hold it together for my kids so they don’t constantly fall apart, but at times I really need to “fall apart” and sob. I miss him so much and really hate looking toward a future without him.
Oh Ladies, like Lori I feel like I’ve had a set back.
I was doing so well, getting through the days, even getting back to work, but from Friday last week, it has been a spiral downwards. I’ve done nothing much but cry today. It was 16 years since we met on Valentines day, and now all I can see is that there are going to be 4 more days where I’m in danger of being to depressed, depressed enough to fall apart and not care what happens. And that frightens me. I don’t want to feel that loss of control, and I will fear when these days come as I know my strength will be needed to ensure I don’t fall foul.
I’m so glad I can write how I feel, and I know that you will all understand the pain that comes with it. I’m trying to stay strong, I’m trying to keep with it, but this is the first time since Martin died that I feel so much dispair.
I met an old friend today, and at first I didn’t recognise her, but she came up to me and said how sad I looked. And I felt sad, I miss my huneybunch so much, I want him here to look after me.
I want my husband to comfort me about my mum dying and I want my mum to comfort me over my husband dying, but they aren’t here and although I have my sister and Dad to turn to, its not the same.
It sucks big time.
I’ll try to stay strong, Ladies, as I hope you all will.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello everybody,
Thank you Denise, Norma, Jeanne…and everybody. It is good to know that I do not have alzheimer yet!!! I always thought it was the shock, the tearing away of our soulmates, the traumatic events. I will have to do some research if I will ever get any of the lost memories back. I will have to find some supplements to help my brain. What matters the most to me is that I remember my dear Barry. I was crying on the way home today. It dawn on me that it was just barely 3 1/2 years that we met, that he went away. Barry was my life partner. I miss his hugs so much. I miss his jokes and teasing me. I take care of others so much, but when I come home…I am not getting my hugs and kisses. It is a void. I spoke to my Pastor. I am ever so sad. I am not happy at all. I am going in for some spiritual counseling with him to find some meaning as to why I am here. I have to find myself. I have to find ways to have some pleasure and fun. I recently found a drumming circle that is close by me. I have a Dempje drum which I purchased at an African concession stand. I took a few lessons and enjoy the rhythm of everybody drumming. I had a butterfly garden with Barry. I am going to try to work on that again.
So ladies, it is not so easy. We have setbacks. The pain and lonliness is there. I do not know how long this will take. But I think as I work on myself, bit by bit…I get a bit of myself back and be better. I have to remember as to why my Barry loves me.
Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Lori, you aren’t alone. I also experienced all the “firsts” after Roger died. The first “first” was my birthday, which occurred six weeks later. I was so sad, so desolate. My friends convinced me to go out to a restaurant to listen to some live music. It made me feel even worse because the whole night I felt that my Roger should have been seated next to me. That night was so darn hard. Harder than anything I had ever experienced before. The only thing that saved me was a dear old friend who quietly held my hand under the table that entire night. He never let go of my hand, and at different intervals throughout the night, he would give my hand a squeeze, as if to say, “It will be alright. I will get you through this.” He was a lifesaver. I don’t know what I would have done without him. It was like he instinctively knew that if I didn’t have someone to hold onto, I might literally slip away into nothingness. If I could have willed my own death that night, I would have.
It is too bad this forum won’t let us share pictures of our loved ones.
I have not set up a site like Cheryl- that was awesome!! I hope your nightmares calm down Cheryl. I did quite a bit of Studies at Northwestern University on the Neurobiology of the Human Brain. It is not only fascinating how the Brain works when you are awake, but also when you are alsleep. I have asked God to please give you PEACE during sleep. Let me also suggest biofeedback- program your mind with positive mental imagery and soothing music before falling asleep. Also try some calming scents like lavender on a cool washcloth on your forehead or on a new fluffy pillow, blanket or PJ’s. Talk aloud some positive words and have a peppermint before bed. No I am not crazy but the senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, smell) have a profound effect on what chemicals (neurotransmitters) are produced when your autonomic system kicks in during sleep. It is kind of like meditation when you are awake. We all deserve PEACE during sleep. My sadest time is when I awake first thing in the morning- I call it “mourning” because for a split second I forget that Steven is gone, and I have to mourn all over again. I hope to one day wake up happy again, and be happy again, but I am no where even close. I hope to one day find it again but for now every day is a struggle. I have HOPE
Sweet dreams to Everyone- God Bless- Denise
Hello friends,
Has anyone experienced extended family or friends that find it hard to be around you or come to your home because it makes them feel profoundly sad? I have found my brothers-in-law (I have 6) cannot come to my house because they are reminded of their brother. It seems when I am not around it’s easier for some people because I am a constant reminder Tim is gone.
Normally I just sit back and read all of your posts but today I couldn’t help but post….I lost my best friend and husband on July 1st 2009. He was 39 years old and suffered a stroke in his brain stem, after 3 weeks in a coma he lost his battle. Together we had a 3 year old son and he had 3 daughters who used to come over every weekend and spend time with their brother……since their father passed, they find it very hard to be at the house and unfortunately my son pays that price…not only does he have to mourn the loss of his father but he cries about missing his sisters as well. It does seem that it is easier for everyone for you to be “Outta sight outta mind” they have the luxury of not being faced with the emptiness every second of every day. It does make it very hard as all of our friends were “couples” friends and of course now I am not a “couple” and yes I am sure I remind them of his absence…few have been great…but most have basically dissappeared…which means all of a sudden I have no social circle as well. Life has just become work and home with my son…..I am making sure that my son has his social interraction with his friends and he has school which has been a wonderful distraction for him…..but I get depressed as I am a very social person. Its also very difficult to meet people and carve out some type of new life since I have no one to help take my son for even an hour to give me a break. So many changes that its tough!!!! My prayers are with you all….this is the hardest thing to ever have to endure.
Paula/Lori, it’s to be expected that we become “the unclean”. Sometimes, I think, our close friends and family find it hard to be around us, because they don’t know what to say or how to handle us. They can only imagine how we must be feeling, unless they have gone through it before, and they treat us like we have a disease that they might catch if they get to close.
So, sod them, Paula if you can’t get out, because there is no one to help you with your son then join a group for single parents, yes I know not something else to be reminded of, but you will get some social interaction whilst your son gets some too. If your step daughters find it hard to come round, then why don’t you see if its ok to take your son around to see them. As to the couples, nothing to suggest on that front, as we are single again, we need othe singles around us. I sit here thinking about how little the phone rings, but then I remind myself if I want to talk to people I know, then I can pick up the phone too. It sucks big time, being a widow, as we have to adapt at being single again, and for most of you single with children.
Lori, sweetheart, it’s tough when your in laws decide they find it too hard to be around you. Give them time, it will get better for them, but like Paula, I would say, why not go and see them? Hopefully by seeing you away from your family home, it might make it easier for them.
don’t forget ladies, we need to make the effort as well. We can’t just hang around our homes waiting for our friends and family to come for a visit. They may be thinking, oh better not, don’t want to upset her. By getting out there, you will let your friends and family know your not contagious.
sorry for the rambling, but i’m on a roll tonight.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi All
I need to put this out, it weighing so much in my mind. I think god is unfair. He is so unfair. I miss my husband, our kids miss him, his brothers, sister and parents miss him. What is god gaining, why couldn’t he have take us along. Life is not worth. I wish I can be stronger for our kids. But I am breaking down all the time. I wish everything will end.
Zulaifa
Twitter: miraclady
February 22, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Dearest Zulaifa -
You are far away from most of us but there are 500 people just on this blog who are supporting you and sending you comfort and love.
Reach out to us. Get very quiet. Feel our power.
We are all part of the Divinity.
We are holding you. We have not let you down.
GET UP.
WE HAVE NOT ABANDONED YOU.
Dear Zulaifa,
I know where you are coming from. Those feelings come creeping in every so often when I have been working hard, feeling very tired of struggling by myself. I mediatated last week thru my spiritual group. I was so down. I felt that I have not been hugged in a very long time. I remember Barry hugging me after a very long day.
Buddha, one of the teachers thru the centuries and Barry came to see me in the meditation. They are buddies. Buddha reached into my heart and pulled out the Lotus blossom out of my heart, letting it unfold…wrapping me completely in the blossom…hugging me and filling me with love. I felt so much love, warmth and peace.
I know that God and the Angels have been watching over me. They are very close to me, when I am dispair. I got news today that there is a definite closing on my house. It is sold for 1/3 of the value. I lost my equity and value of the property. That is not important to me. I lost what was so dear to my heart…my sweet Barry…but he is not far…just in another dimension…another plane.
Hang in there, Girl…bit by bit…we are getting there…dispite of setbacks…we are getting stronger and remember the love and letting it fill our deepest part of our soul. That is who we are.
I AM…
Mary Lotus Butterfly
My dear Zulafia
Your God may seem unfair, because he has hurt you and yours by taking your husband away from you, but your God hasn’t abandoned you and neither have we.
From your spirtual point, your God has a plan for you. When you come out the other side of your grief, you may understand what that plan is. Your children are destined to live a full life and give you lots of grandchildren and great grandchildren. It would be ashame not to be able to see that for your self.
I have moments of dispair, where I feel that my life is worthless without Martin, but then I remember how Martin would comfort me, when I was feeling low. It is hard not being able to get a hug, a kiss and a cuddle, but then I wrap my arms around myself and close my eyes and I feel like he is hugging me. Of course lots of tears come at that point, but the more pain I feel, the stronger I feel when I come through it.
Stay with us, girl, stay here and let us help you through the toughest thing you’ve ever had to do. Don’t give up, we love you and in time you will feel the love of your God that your faith gives you.
If you can’t be strong, let us be your strength.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello friends,
I am relate to how Zulafia feels. Why couldn’t we all go and still be a family? I know that cheats my children of a future, but I have double the heartache when I see them so sad. My youngest just said the other day all he wants is daddy back one more time to hug and kiss again. He’s only 9 why is he being punished. I felt God is unfair too. I wish I knew why. On another note, I am so grateful for this site and visit it daily. I get such strength from everyone and feel your love and that we all are in this together. Love to all, Lori
I too can relate to what everyone is saying. I will see one full year gone by without my Larry on March 5. Where I was saying in the beginning, how will I ever get through another day, now I am saying, how will I ever get through another year. Though my children are grown and busy elsewhere, I just don’t seem to have any incentive to do anything. Please, don’t anybody tell me what I should be doing. I already know intellectually what I should be doing, but my health is paying a tough price right now. Anyway, I received a beautiful thing in the mail. It is a small stand-up plaque and on it are these words,
The title: Your Smile. The words are as follows: Though your smile is gone forever, and your hand I cannot touch, I still have many memories of the one I loved so much. Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.
Sadly missed, but never forgotten.”
I think it is beautiful and thought you all might like it, even if it does bring tears.
Love and Light to you all. Terre
Hi everybody,
It has been a very heavy burden to carry. My tears are running. It is a relief and letting go. My shoulders are tired. Us, Lightworkers…what sufferings we go thru…but we are doing our work that was assigned to us by the Divine purpose. There is no understanding yet. Oneday, we will come into our own being, then we will understand.
Remember each night before going to sleep…the uncondional Love and Compassion…it will bring Peace…
I saw the Light on my sweet Barry’s face…when he took off. He looked different. He was not suffering anymore! That is what keeps me going. That is how I hold my Barry in honor. It will always be remembered. I will carry on our dreams to help and guide others.
I was speaking to a friend of mine. I listen to her story. I told her that she was a Gateway…Lost Souls…they need to keep repeating lessons until they listen and learn. I felt so bad in telling her that. I apologized, but my spiritual friend really understood that. There is no fixing things. It is the way it is.
Terre, thank you. It was beautiful. Thru the sufferings…it brings us strength…Do not dispair friends…Eventually we will be at peace again.
Om
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I am ever so grateful to all of you, Thank you so much for your support!
Hugs
Zulaifa
Evening Ladies, evening Terre. No body needs to tell you what to do, but you will find your way eventually.
I am like you, the lack of motivation in my life right now is upsetting. I want to get on and do the things in the house that needs to be done, but I end up sleeping on the couch and lounging in front of the TV. I don’t have kids, we weren’t that lucky, but I do try and it is hard, to do something even one thing each day.
I suppose all we can hope for, is that one day we will get through it. And although we will always remember, love and never forget our loved ones, we must continue with our lives in honor of the ones we have lost.
I wish I could make it all better for everyone, but I know the only thing I can do, like you all do for me, is support you in your grief. I bet everybody is fed up hearing other people tell us what we should be doing, but as individuals we will find our own way.
I’m so glad I found this website, it makes me feel I’m not alone. And although I don’t know any of you physically, I love you all.
Take care, stay strong (sorry the usual phrase), and remember the love we lost is a bond we all share.
Much love
Normaxxx
More later but I need prayers because I just ran into a friend who I think is trying to avoid me cuz Mike is no longer around and I guess it hurts him over Mike passing. I need prayers that he won’t ignore me and will spend some time with me these next several days… Thanks!
Hi Cheryl, I will pray extra for you and this situation. I pray for my online family daily. I also know how you feel as I have experienced that also. Love, Lori
Thanks so much. I just pray I can see him tonight, tomorrow nite and Sat nite after his shows. (He’s a singer)…
Well he didn’t even come out and meet anyone after his show. One of his daughters said he wasn’t wanting to meet people anymore right now. After the show another friend of his who we’ve gotten to know and be friends with from going to the shows. He let her go backstage to visit him. I started to go too but she said I couldn’t go talking like he’d be mad at me if I went. I am so hurt but I can’t let my folks know of my mom will say I shouldn’t go see him anymore.
I need to talk to him. I am so hurting over Mike. I know he’s hurt over Mike passing but don’t let it stop you from saying Hi to me. You may not feel like hanging out with folks but don’t avoid your friends. We’ll see if he come and sees me the next 2 days. Sad…
Hi Everyone
I was wondering if anyone else visits the graves where their husbands were buried? I feel a need to visit often and pray but I am not sure if this comforts me or just upsets me more. I can see him laying in the Blue Saphire casket our daughter picked out and he looked just like he was sleeping. Just knowing his body is there makes me somehow feel close, even though I know his soul has gone to heaven.
God Bless
Hi Denise, my husand was cremated, and I have his remains and my mothers, here with me in my home.
I find it easier to look at our wedding photo, he smiles lots to me from there and it was the happiest day of his life next to the birth of his daughter (my step daughter). I talk to him often, usually because I’m angry that he’s left me, on my own. But then I remind him, I don’t blame him for leaving as there was nothing that could be done. Motor Neurone Disease (ALS or Lou Gerrig Disease over the pond), is a no cause, no cure disease and there was never going to be a happy ending. He often said, he wished he had cancer because at least he might have a fighting chance of getting through it (please all, no offense meant here, especially if you lost your husband to the big C).
Denise, do what’s right for you. If you find it helpful to visit your husband, then do it. Sometimes a good cry is what we need and no doubt you do plenty of that when you go see him. Do you take your children, or have they asked to go with you?
I know that I’d probably find it hard visiting a grave, unfortunately when Martin passed, he looked more like a wax work than someone who was sleeping, and I knew there was nothing left but his earthly image and that he was gone.
Much love
Normaxxx
I agree with ya. I got visit Mikes grave every Sunday after church cuz it is close to the church and it makes me feel closer to him. I talk and I cry. I hate it when I have to miss a Sunday cuz of being out of town or it was bad weather. I know he is not there but in heaven but still i connects me to him…
Oh yeah. One thing I noticed about my Mike was he was the most natural looking dead person I had ever seen. Usually they look creepy but not him. I had always said that when he passed I would not take pics of him in the casket cuz it would be too creepy. He looked so natural and like himself that I ended up taking pics of him in the casket and touching his suit coat. And I never thought I’d ever be able to do that. They did a beautiful job fixing up my baby the funeral home did. Love you Mike. Hope all are doing better. We’re here for ya…
Hello to my friends,
I have my sweet Barry’s ashes in my closet. We had planned to put his ashes under his Buddha underneath a tree, where we were supposed to relocate to the mountains of Arkansas.
I just short-sale on my house. I do not know if I ever will own another property. It is a lot of stress and responsiblities. I do not even begin to remember how I did it before.
I believe that when the time is right, I will spread Barry’s ashes into the ocean with flowers, laughter and joy. He is free.
Love and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello everybody,
I want to wish my sweet Barry a very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! His birthday is 3/1. He would be 60…the big number.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Mary,
I wish your Barry A happy birthday!!! Love and Peace to both of you!!
And Love and Peace to All You ladies and your husbands!!
Zulaifa
Happy Birthday Barry, may you be partying with Buddha, and the light of ever lasting peace be shining upon your loved ones.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi, Denise and everyone else who’s interested,
My Roger’s ashes are mostly with me, inside an urn in my home office, but after his funeral, I instructed the funeral director to transfer a small amount of him into a second urn for his daughter to take with her back to Colorado. It was so sad. Although she is an adult in her 30′s, she didn’t have the hundred dollars to purchase the urn. I felt so bad at the time that I bought it for her, even though my funds were low and my income questionable at the time of Roger’s death. I think it’s horrible how much the funeral home charges for these urns. If I had had my way, Roger ‘s ashes would have been placed inside a coffee can. He would have seen the humor in that since he always drank so much of the stuff. So, he probably would have laughed out loud if that had happened, and would have considered it a fitting resting place for his remains. I have a question for those who want to answer: Have any of you had your loved one who passed on attempt to contact you? I know this sounds crazy but my Roger always said he would attempt to contact me should he be the first one to die. We even laughed and joked about it, and I came up with the idea that he toss a few ice cubes at me when he was trying to contact me. The significance of the ice cubes comes from the cocktail Roger liked to have each evening when he came home from work. From time to time, my frig does toss out a few extra cubes for no apparent reason other than the fact that I happen to be walking by it. And friends of mine have also had this happen to them and mentioned it to me, telling me they had a weird feeling it was Roger, even though I never told anyone he might do this, and did Roger ever say he would do this from the great beyond? You should see the look on their faces when I tell them that it is Roger trying to contact us.
Hello everybody,
Thank you Zulaifa and Norma and all for your support. I am a strong woman my whole life. I have been told that I am like a woman out of the Bible. But, I am human. I am a woman alone, again. I get scare. I get tire about watching my back all the time. Barry protected me, as I protected him. I really miss that. People are always watching and casing out others. I moved into my new down-sized duplex a year ago. I put in an alarm system because I know people are watching. I have been alone so many times before. I play it safe and smart. I am aware of my surroundings because I am a woman and feeling so vulnerable. I am sure that there are men out there that feel the same way.
With today’s economy, people are loosing their equity and values in their homes. They owe more than what they are worth. Jobs are being lost. People have weapons. They live in fear. Now We All live in the fear factor.
I discovered that someone has been roaming around in the dark at where I live…my land lord gave told me that people were found using electricity in the laundry room next to me charging up their cell phones. I found someone sleeping in the laundry room. I called the sheriff. I felt so bad because I did that. I considered bringing a cup of coffee and waking up the person before the sheriff got there…but then what if he had a weapon…as I startle him.
I had to call up the landlady…because I woke up about 11:30 pm. I was doing some work. I heard a noice in the laundry room again. She told me that she put on a dead bolt. She came out and shook the door to show me and the door opened. The lock has to fit better!
I am going to bring it up on my Church…our Sacred Circle…as to how we can overcome this. We cannot live in fear! We all have the same goals. We are trying to survive.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Happy bd to your Barry. I bet he was a nice guy.
I hate to say it and you didn’t hear it from me but I think my singer friend is getting kind of a star attitude. He did not come out and meet me or anyone else after the shows. And he knew I was there at all 3 shows as well as a friend of his from Northern VA who we’ve gotten to be friends with thru going to his shows. His cousin and his wife came one nite and he did not even see them either. And yet he did go see an old friend he went to school with in the 60′s. That’s nice he saw him and I’m glad he did. But it hurt not getting to see him. I had brought my best friend Debbie the one who set me up on the blind date with Mike to the Charlottesville, VA show of his and I wanted her to meet him. They never got to meet. And I had so wanted them to meet.
It was by chance I happened to be staying in the same motel as my singer friend in Hampton and I ran into him when he was checking in and got to say hi for a minute. I asked him if he wanted to get together for breakfast and he said he couldn’t. I understood he was busy with his family there. I asked if he’d like to get together later & he said maybe. When I mentioned that I was sorry I didn’tget to go to his show in Northern VA but wasn’t able to go cuz since Mike passed I had no one to go with me & it was too hard to go in all that traffic up there alone. I might’ve mentioned something about it was nearly a yr since Mike passed. Once I mentioned Mike, boy was he acting like he couldn’t wait to get outta there. I think it hurts him to see Mike not being around me cuz he was so used to seeing Mike around me. But don’t take it out on me. I needed to talk to him about what happened about Mike and yet he was not there for for me.
When I had seen him in May I ran into him before the show and got to say hi to him a few mins. I gave him one of Mikes many Bibles he used. It was a giant print King James Bible. My friend seemed touched and was in tears and nearly cried. We both looked at each other about to cry.
I know it hurts him not seeing Mike with me when he always saw Mike with nme but I needed to talk to him about what happened to Mike and needed a shoulder to cry on.
At the shows when I asked his kids and bus driver if he was gonna be meeting people, they said he wasn’t coming out to meet people anymore. They said he said he was tired of meeting and being around people after having done that for yrs and just wanted to leave after the shows. That’s not the him I know. It really hurt. It was like seeing a stranger in concert. Oh well, he did do some songs I had never heard before and played an autoharp. which I had never heard him do before. I had a nice time but it wasn’t the same with Mike being passed on and him not talking to me.
Basically when I did get to see him at the motel for a minute most of the conversation was about snow being predicted and about how we both used motel coupons. He’s just not the same guy but I love him anyway. This is what I get for trying ot make friends with someone. At least my friend who introduced me to Mike is here for me and my other friends aren’t avoiding me.
Last nite I fell asleep and had a coupla nightmares about Mike. In one of them he keeps dying and coming back to life and dying again. In the other one they told me they would bring Mike back to life and he would have a disease called cronic fibrosis instead of being dead but they would have him die again soon. I had to deal with him dying again. And on the 3rd it will be a yr since Mike went. I miss him so much it hurts….
Hi everyone
Just thought I would drop a note and let everyone know I enjoy reading your posts. Stevens brother had a heart attack last week but survived. He took his baby brothers passing hard so I am sure stress contributed to his heart attack he is very sensitive for a man. My daughter does not understand why her uncle lived and her Father did not. That is hard to explain to a 9 year old but I did the best I could. I can tell you losing Steven is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I have never known profound sadness prior to this, and it has added a whole new dimesion to my being. Seems many had their loved ones creamated I never even considered that and now I wonder what Steven would have wanted. Well I hope I made the right choice he was far to young to have that discussion, but guess everyone should have their final wishes be known as we never know when our time on earth will end.
I read through the obituaries and I see Babies, Children, 20′s, 30′s, 40′s in there and then it makes you really stop and think that maybe 49 years old was not as young as I thought? I just assume everyone will live past 65 (retirement) or ideally 80- boy was I wrong! So we must make the most of each day, even without our soulmates.
We have had many suicides and murders in the last month near Chicago. How tragic is that to have to deal with if the pain we feel is so bad those types of tragedies must hurt so much more. One 16 year old son shot his father, another 18 year old boy killed his mother with a hammer and babies and teen suicide lives gone from earth at such a young age. So I dwell mostly on the sadness and bad things but in some ways I am starting to feel that we have to appreciate the time we had together and how our circumstances could be much worse than they are? Imagine how the survivors of these families feel? I know losing my soulmate has made me MUCH MORE compassionate, I appreciate life more, I value the gift of Love so much more and I am not as quick to anger as I was “before” my loss. There is positive that comes out of this experience but the pain still overcomes this and it will be a long time for me to heal. I know I have not accepted his passing and it is going on 7 months. This is going to be a very long process and I just miss him so much! He was so alive, in perfect shape physically not an ounce overweight or any known illness. I look at old people and I get so sad knowing that my Steven never got to see his daughter grow up, he loved her so. We talked about retiring, growing old and now I am left here to complete everything without him.
I know I should not get mad when I see old people, especially those who are in such bad shape physically – but I just have to ask why Steven was taken and others who are in such poor physical condition live? Does anyone else get sad seeing old people? I wish this would go away it is wrong to think this but it just deepens the pain that my future with him will never come to be and our family unit has left me with all of the responsibility. Well I have to get to work since I am the sole provider now. God Bless everyone!
Hello friends, I agree with Denise, why were our husbands taken at such an early age? Why do the child molesters, sex offenders, murderers, etc. get to live and our husbands who contributed so much and touched so many lives were taken from us way too soon. This is something I am seriously struggling with daily. I hate this life without him. On Sunday, my 14 year old listened to a voice message on her cell phone from him and I could not stop the tears from flowing. My 9 year old said “I would do anything to get daddy back”. I have also learned no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief. God Bless friends, Lori
Deborah, to answer your question about spiritual contact, my answer is a defining “yes”. I know Tim is around me as I have experienced some unique things that only he would know about. I also had him cremated and he is with me. It actually gives me comfort and if I want to sob and sob I can “hold” him if I feel the need.
Wow, we are all in full form.
It really helps me to read your posts. It gives me a sense of belonging and that I’m not alone, although there are days when lonliness is so deep seated, that even the cats feel like thousands of miles away.
For those who have asked, I’ll try to give you my answers. You’ll need to forgive me for not putting names, as I’m terrible for remembering things I’ve read precisely.
I want to hear from Martin, his cousin attends a spiratualist church, and believes she was given a message from Martin, but as my sister put it, “Martin hated people, why would he speak to a stranger about how he’s feeling, now he’s passed?” we both laughed at this, it was so true. My friend Hayley, is a spiritualist and the last time I went with her, before Martin was even diagnosed, I got a message from Martin’ Aunt, (or was it). I was told about the hospital appointment, and that I was up for the task, along with a few other things. It was freaky but probably also helped me for what was to come, the diagnosis. I’m hoping to go with Hayley this week to the spiritualist church she attends (please ladies, I’m not being hypocritical attending a church when I’m a non-believer in a God, but I do believe that others believe they can hear those who have passed). I’m desperate to hear from both my Mum and my Husband and going along I might.
I sleep with my mum and Martin in my room. When I finally got the room sorted out, I decided that night I was going to sleep there. It was our bedroom originally, and it felt right. So now I have a dressing room (I know so posh), with a double bed in it, and my bedroom, where I cozy up with my cats, feel safe, and sleep much better than in the other room.
I will keep you all posted on who things go.
Fear is a big factor in today’s society, but more so I’d say in the America’s. I live in Scotland and was lucky enough to be brought up in a rough part of town, so I know how to handle myself. But saying that I fear about other things. I was working in the archive store at work, and its a public access site. The store is a bit out of site from the main offices as its at the back of the exec offices. I got stupid thoughts running through my head, what if a stranger just walks in, do I know my exit route, where the fire alarm is. So daft. When I’m at home, I’m scared that I might choke on some food, or fall over getting out of the bath and there is no-one here to help me. But I only get these thoughts when I’m on my own. I have no fears running through my head, whilst I have other people around me. I know that I don’t want to be on my own and I’m hoping that I meet a man, that is nothing like Martin. I don’t want to compare every new date, to Martin, I want to be able to see them for who they are, so I can remember them and Martin and know that I loved them because of their different qualities. Here’s hoping.
I can only imagine how much it must cost for a funeral in America. We had no life insurance, or any savings, so I had no option but to ask Martin’s Aunt. She is quite wealthy and I knew she could afford it, and Martin was her favourite nephew. She adored him and Martin would have done anything for her. It cost just over £3,000, probably the equivalent of $5,500. This included everything, including the cream tea afterwards (I asked for no cakes, just sandwiches), and the intimations in the paper. I rode in the hearse, whilst I left the other members of my family, Martin’s Dad and Stepmum to the limo. I felt so elated at being able to accompany him, all the way on his final journey.
Life is to short to constantly worry about the bad things happening to others. IT doesn’t matter how old you are when you die, it’s still too young. I used to ask people who old the were when a loved one died and I would reply, “well that was a good age” if they were past 70. I don’t say that anymore, as no age is a good age to die. Life live to the fullest, everyday try to experience something new. Sorry but that is so hard today, when motivation is so lacking and you’ve only got of bed, because that is what is expected of you. We have experienced probably the worse thing in our lives so far, but we have to know that worse things do happen to other people. And it’s usually to good people, because you only hear about bad things happening to good people. Bad things happen to bad people too, but we don’t usually get to hear about it. I hear you though, when you hear about pedo’s, murders etc roming around, and you’ve just had to bury your husband whos died far too soon. Again it’s not fair, but life isn’t. I’m not going to say, but you just have to get on with it don’t ya, because you don’t. We can do what ever we want, and taking the time we need to get over the death of our soulmates, is entirely what some of us need. But remember life is too short so lets not take too long before we move along to deal with a chance at a second happy future.
I’m sorry your singer friend has reacted the way he has. You’ve tried talking to him face to face, maybe you could write him a letter. Tell him how you are feeling about Mike. Talk to him through the letter and let him know how you felt when he wouldn’t speak to you.
I’m sending got positive thoughts across the pond to you all.
Much love, stay strong, or let us be strong for you.
Normaxxxx
Hello everybody,
I cannot believe the responses…I thought I was going way out…I was afraid of going back online and be reprimanded. Let it all out girls!!!
I am not going to my Sacred Circle tonight…I told my friend, Peter to put all of the homeless people in the circle. They have lost their jobs, homes and cannot pay their rents.
I have to check all of my unopened mail because of fear. My birthday was in January and I do not believe that I renewed the tag. I, also discovered my car insurance was cancelled because I payed the premium too late.
Blessings to all of my friends out there,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I just lost my husband 2 weeks ago I can’t imagine being in this world without him,I even contemplated joining him,I Know that sounds crazy but I didn’t know if I was coming or going I am so confused,He was told last year that he had 6 months to a year for some reason i did not believe it,even in the hospital the day before and the day of his death I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that he was dying I asked the nurse when he was going to come home it seemed like everybody knew it but me,for most of my adult life my mind was totally about him what he think what would he do in this situation,I really hate that i let it get that way,Now I’m going to miss him for so many reason’s.
Tina,
I lost my Mark 5 months ago to a heart attack. He was in HI away on business. We were married for 26 years (3 amazing kids
)and he was my best friend.There are no words that I can say that can make anything better but those of us who have lost know, really know..I hear your pain. I hate hearing from people (I know they are well intentioned)..but they say, “I don’t know how you can do this”. Well, I (and you)really don’t have a choice..but our time has not come..we still need to finish our earthly journey. I teach school (high school history) and I do my best to give my students that extra smile and nudge because maybe I am here for them and in a way I can make their world a little brighter..This is one of the ways I try to cope…I am thinking of you…and jump into taking care of the necessities of life..make it an adventure that you can embrace not fear or dread. Cindy
Twitter: miraclady
March 4, 2010 at 10:55 am
So sorry, Tina -
Hang out with us here. We are friends.
Everyone will help you and support you.
Don’t expect much of yourself at this point.
Love,
Corinne
Tina, You have friends and trust me–we felt exactly like you. It will be 3 months since my husband died. We will support you.
Love, Lori
I’ll 2nd that Cindy. Beautifully put.
Nx
Tina,
I lost my fantastic husband to pancreatic cancer almost 21 months ago. We both refused to accept that he was terminal and prayed for a miracle to happen. One did happen in that he lived two years longer than expected, with many good times during those two years. However, in June 2008 he took his last breath. Now I am slowly, very slowly, accepting that I must live the rest of my life without him here to be my rock, my everything. As Cindy suggested, I’m trying to make the rest of my journey an adventure that I embrace rather than fear. Easier said than done. But, as through prayer we were able to find joy in my husband’s last two years on this earth, through prayer I am learning the joy of becoming stronger and more capable. I pray the same for you.
Hello everybody,
I think that as the deep fog lifted after two years…that I came out into another level of grieving…the realty. As I struggle with the lonliness…
I go thru my life dealing with everyday living. I miss being held in my Barry’s arms, when I come home.
Barry must sense my struggles. He came to visit me in my dreams last night. He was building a big house for me. There were a lot of people there and a lot of activities going on. My Barry and I walked outside. There were all of these colorful circus lighting the pathway. I could not see the end of the pathway at all. I asked Barry as to why all these lights…He told me that they are there to guide me. He told me that some of the lights are my energy lights emitting…shining and showing the way. My Barry did not forget me or left me. Our dearest loved ones are there helping us to make it.
I am so Blessed to have my Barry.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Wish me luck ladies, I’m going to the spritualist church this evening with my good friend Hayley. I’m hoping I get a message from Martin or my Mum or both if I’m really lucky.
I spent all day in bed on Saturday, mainly sleeping, and now I’m up at 6am this Sunday. I’m going to start cleaning up the house, it’s a bit of a pit, and then I’m heading down to see my Dad and help my sister clear our bedroom, before a new flooring is laid Monday. I say our bedroom, as Dad can’t sleep there. It used to be his and my Mum’s but he’s getting it sorted, for my sister and I, as we each stay one night a week with him.
Strength in numbers ladies.
Much love to you all.
Normaxxx
Dear Tina, hang on, it is difficult, but you get a lot of support from these amazing ladies.
Norma, not sure whether you already went, because of the time differences. My best wishes to you anyway, with all my heart.
Lucky for you Mary, I haven’t seen my beloved husband for a long time. I wish he would come to see me soon!
Love and Peace to all of you
Zulaifa
Hello friends,
Just checking in — how is everyone? It’s been a busy few days and horrible in one way–a friend of my 14 year old daughter committed suicide and we had another funeral to attend. I have no idea why–she was a “whiz kid” 4.0, beautiful, seemed to love life and had a vision for the future as an Vet of big animals. It was absolutely tragic.
Hi Lori,
If us, adults have so much stress…can you imagine how much stress that our kids have!!!!
I heard my daughter speaking with a couple of her friends in my car oneday…speaking about the stress and maintaining the A’s…the level of quitaria that we somehow impose on our children. My daughter is an A student…Class President…Cheerleader…Honor Roll….
She got herself into the wrong crowd…not being true to herself…peer images…I sent her away at the age of 15 to live with her father…because she stopped speaking with me, when I insisted and found out what was happening. I cried for two years…
My daughter is in her thirties, now. She did not go to college…She works for herself as a clothing designer and a website builder. My daughter apologies to me at the age of 19. I kept on being there for her. I am so proud of my daughter.
We as adults have to remember as to what is true…the real life and love.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I feel terrible the last few days. I am so angry with god for keeping me here and taking my husband away. I do not have a shoulder to cry. I terribly need a hug and wish someone would say everything is alright. I just can’t take life anymore. Even the autopilot mode doesn’t seem to work. I wish I can go to my husband, bring him back. I want him to hold me and say everything is gonna be ok. I know I am been childish. I can’t even handle my splitting headache. I am so scared I will fail my kids. I love them the only reason why I exist now. I am sorry, I just want to put out what I am feeling. I feel so so lonely. I don’t have anyone else to cry and tell. Can’t upset any family members because they are anyway upset, I show everyone a brave face. But one of these days they are going to find out how weak I am.
Love and Peace
Zulaifa
Dear Tina and all,
The pain of grief is with so many here on this website. We remember what those first few months were like. It has been just over a year since I lost my husband to kidney cancer. Like you, I really did not think that he would die. This past year I have felt so empty yet slowly, very slowly, activities begin to fill some of the emptiness. Simple things, like getting new clothes or things for the house makes way for a future. Not everything is as it was when Bill was alive. So, I change and grow. I’ve met new people, done some things that would have surprised Bill, the world has progressed, events have happened. It is our calling to be here now. Hang in there. Your life will not be the same but it is YOUR life.
Teresa
Zulaifa
Thanks for writing to us we are here for you. It is OK to be ANGRY with God. I often get angry too, especially when my 9 year old cries for her Father I have to ask why? I still have my father (so she has her Grandpa) but we have to be strong for our children. It is so much for God to ask of us when we are so weak ourselves. We really have no choice but to accept that our husbands are gone. Having said that we can either try to find the strength to go on or remain is the past and refuse to accept what has happened. Remaining in the past can be very hard on your health, weaken what strength you have left and cause serious emotional and physical problems. It has been exactly 7 months since my husband suddenly and unexpectedly left this earth. I weep and cry daily because I just miss him so much, as does our daughter. I am now assuming the role of Mother and Father and it is not an easy task. I have to remind myself it was not by Stevens choice. He wanted to live and he had no idea that his life on Earth would end without warning- he was not prepared…we were not prepared.
I work on daily trying to let go of the anger because that stress will cause you to deteriorate. It may sound cliche but we need to find Peace on Earth, and remember our earthly existence is so short compared to the eternal life we have waiting for us. We do not understand Gods plan, but one day it will be revealed to us so please do not lose Faith and Hope. Some never have loved, and it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. The deeper the love, the more painful and the longer the healing. Be patient and kind to yourself and never give up. I am going through some tests and hoping I do not have cancer. A part of me says it is OK if I do have cancer because then I will get to see my Steven sooner than if I was healthy. I then snap out of it and say I can’t leave behind our young child to fend for herself I MUST live. I want to live, but often that is not realized until you are faced with the possibility of not living.
So just for today be glad that you woke up, that you have more time to spend with your children/family, to be glad that you have a little more time on this earth to prepare for what we will all face- our transition from earth to everlasting life to join those who have passed before us. The stop on earth is a very short one, and despite our pain we need to make the most of it. We know your pain, your profound struggle can be walked on the path with us. Stay on that path with us and we will give you strength.
Lori
That is so sad about the suicide. I am on the Board of Youth at our church and teens face such a struggle in this life. They are so vulnerable and I just feel bad that perhaps no one recognized the signs of depression in this young girl. We just went through a study where a movie was shown it was called “To Save a Life ” dealing with the same problem of teen suicide. I will pray for her, her family and all that have been effected to the immense pain that is associated with suicide. I don’t care what people say she will be in heaven. For God knows she was suffering mentally or she would not have taken her own life at such a young age. God created her and God will take her in his arms again for he wants all of his creations to be saved. Gods Love is inescapable. He knows our every feeling, our every sin, and he sent his son to pay for our sins so that we may all have eternal life. Can I prove this to the weak in Faith- No, but I can tell you the Holy Spirit is guiding my life, my faith and it is not something you choses, it is a feeling that radiates from within down to the core of your soul. I am not saying it is OK to committ suicide- IT IS NOT, but being mentally ill is an illness just like cancer. God does not forgive only the little sins, he forgives ALL sins, his grace does not comprimise.
So for today let us continue to stay on the path to finding PEACE on earth and make the most of our short time here. God Bless
Twitter: miraclady
March 10, 2010 at 7:26 am
Dear Ones -
You know I write many articles on this blog other than this one.
I think all of our problem is that we think we are going to be “normal” again.
We have changed permanently.
Wonder if you ever read this article I wrote.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/you-will-never-get-over-it-loss-of-a-love/
Try just double clicking on it to see if it comes up
OR -
You may have to copy the address and paste it into your search browser.
Please read it if you can or ask someone who knows how to do that to help you.
Sending love to all of my treasured friends here.
Lori, what wonderful words, I don’t need to say anything.
Strength in numbers Ladies. I love you all.
Normaxxx
Welcome to the new folks. So sorry to hear about your hubbies. Wed
was the first anniversary of Mikes passing. It snowed a bit early
that am or the nite before. I know why. It was cuz he had passed
right after a snowstorm and snow was still on the ground. I think he
wants me to remember & I do. When eating dinner with my folks, I
broke down. I didn’t mean to as I don’t want to worry them but, I
hurt so about Mike. The nite before the anniversary of his passing, I
lay in bed crying my heart out. I did up a new video of Mike in
memory of him & put it up on Youtube. It’s on my channel here:
http://www.youtube.com/user/cherylharrell1961?feature=mhw4
if you are interested along with other videos I have done up. I went
thru a few hankys doing the video. I still hurt so bad and will never
get over him. Fri nite I went to the bluegrass jams I go to & play in
every month. Even tho I had fun, I still felt so empty. It is like
all the people around me are in the background barely existing or
they are wallpaper on the floor. I feel so alone even in a crowd of
people. I want him back so bad. But even a yr later I am still just
as bad off as I was when he passed. I don’t think I’ll ever get over
him.
The preacher from church and his wife came over on the anniversary of
his death. I think they came cuz it was the anniversary of his
passing and also to check on my folks as my mom had knee surgery
around Thanksgiving. They are so sweet together. Seeing other couple
so sweet makes me miss Mike so bad.
I can relate to what ya’ll are saying. I too hate it that criminals
are living and yet my Mike is gone. I don’t blame God for his
passing. I believe that God took him cuz he would’ve gotten worse off
with his diabetes if he had live & also had heart trouble and he know
how bad Mike wanted to go to heaven instead of suffering here. I
think Satan is using it to hurt me. But I know God is there for me. A
yr later and no better.
Prayers just said for you all and all my love and care just sent
your way.
For days I was not able to post. I tried 3 different browsers and it would not post. Hope this post and my last one goes thru. I feel like I can relate to Paul McCartney of the Beatles and his sadness at the passing of his late first wife Linda. It reminds me of Mike and I. I read where Paul and Linda only spent a few nites apart from each other in all their yrs of marriage . Mike and I never spent a nite apart in 23 yrs of marriage. I found on the internet some quotes of Paul that touched me and I could relate with. So I thought I’d share them here. THis is only the relevant quotes and not the whole article.
“For about a year, I found myself crying—in all situations, anyone I met. Anyone who came over, the minute we talked about Linda, I’d say, ‘I’m sorry about this. I’ve got to cry.’ ”
” MCCARTNEY: And so, sorry. What was your question? I was fooling around here.
Larry King : Linda. Dealing with loss.
MCCARTNEY: How do you deal with loss?
KING: I mean, this was a someone you were with for how many years? 30 years?
MCCARTNEY: I cried — I — 30 years. I cried a lot.
KING: You knew it was coming.
MCCARTNEY: Yeah, yeah. We knew it was coming, but you — we tried to pretend we didn’t know it was coming. The last couple of weeks, I knew it was coming. I don’t know. It’s just impossible to talk about it.
KING: I don’t want to dwell on it. Do you get angry?
MCCARTNEY: No. No, not really angry. No. I cried a lot. That was the truth of the matter. I just thought — some friends of mine, particularly some of the doctors who were kind of advising, said: “Throw yourself into work. Get busy. Do stuff, do stuff.” And I just couldn’t. So I just thought, “That doesn’t sound right to me.” So I didn’t do anything. I just let it all happen.
So sometimes I’d be sitting around people and just burst out crying. And instead of doing the manly thing and saying, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t do it.” I would just go, “Oohhh,” and just cried a lot.
KING: In a business where women are at your fingertips, I mean, rock stars — and who’s bigger than the Beatles? — how did your relationship last so long?
MCCARTNEY: We loved each other. Quite simple. I think what the other thing was we’d both sown our wild oats before we got together. So I’d known a lot of girls, she’d known a lot of guys, and I think we were kind of fed up with playing the field by the time we got together. And we loved each other. So we were able to say: “You know what? Let’s knock that stuff on the head and let’s get it on.”"
McCartney ‘cries over Beatles songs’
Sir Paul McCartney has revealed that he often gets emotional when he performs songs that remind him of The Beatles and his late wife Linda.
The singer, who kicks off his European tour in Germany on December 2, admitted that he isn’t worried about shedding a tear on stage when he thinks about his former bandmates.
“You are in contact with them again through the songs. In a way I’m revisiting them. It’s sad and emotional,” he said.
“I couldn’t have done it when I was 18 years old because I would not have allowed myself to cry or go anywhere near that stuff. But now it’s OK. I’m used to it.”
More quotes from another article:
She was his best friend, his wife, his lover, in 30 years of marriage, Paul McCartney barely spent a night away from Linda. Now in a heart-searching interview with Rebecca Hardy of The Daily Mail, Sir Paul tells the full story of their inspirational romance and Linda’s courageous battle against breast cancer.
The former Beatle says he kept the terrible knowledge from the woman he refers to as “my girlfriend, lover and wife”, believing she would prefer not to know. ‘I knew a week or so before she died,’ he says. ‘I was the only one who knew. One of the doctors said she ought to be told but I didn’t want to tell her because I didn’t think she’d want to know.’
Sir Paul, 56, has told of the poignant last days of Linda’s life in a deeply moving interview about their love. It is the first time he has spoken about his wife’s courageous battle against breast cancer since her death in April 1998.
He has sought professional counselling in an attempt to come to terms with his devastating loss. ‘I got a counsellor because I knew that I would need some help,’ he says. ‘He was great, particularly in helping me get rid of my guilt. Whenever anyone you care about dies, you wish you’d been perfect all the time you were with them. I wasn’t; That made me feel very guilty after Linda died.
The other day Sir Paul McCartney absent-mindedly picked up the telephone to talk to his wife. He used to phone her all the time throughout their 30-year marriage; and then she died in April 1998.
“It’s the little things that really get you. I think I’ll phone her, and then say oh Christ.”
Paul is rarely far from tears these days. crying helps, he says – at least for a while.
Linda McCartney, or Lin as Paul preferred, died in her husband’s arms following a courageous two-and-a-half year battle against breast cancer.
Linda died shortly after 5 am on 17 April
at the family ranch in Arizona.
Paul did not sleep for the next three nights; a dreadful grief swamped each day. It still does.
Paul and Linda had spent barely a night apart during this, one of pop’s most enduring partnerships. Paul saw little point. He truly adored Linda; she was his best friend, wife, lover and mother to four children, Heather, Mary, Stella and James.
If I had the option to stay away the night
or travel back, I’d travel back home.
It wasn’t out of a sense of duty,”
he says. “I just thought, what’s the point of spending the night in this hotel, in this cold bed, when she’s back there? “We just fancied each other. That was the whole root, the whole essence of our love. It wasn’t always idyllic. It was a marriage and we had rows. It was nearly always my insecurities that caused the rows between us which has left me with quite a bit of guilt. The guilt’s a real bugger.
“Whenever anyone dies you do think, oh I wish I’d been an angel for the whole of my life. But I wasn’t, so I was getting into heavy guilt when she died. “Then I thought, hang on a minute.
We were just human. That was the beautiful thing about our marriage. We weren’t king or queen someone or other. we were just a boyfriend and girlfriend having babies.”
A few months after Linda’s death,
Paul contacted friend Geoff Emerick, The Beatles’ recording engineer, who had also lost his wife to cancer. He asked Geoff to work with him on Linda’s album. They christened those shared days in the studio ‘the tears and laughter sessions.’
“We shed a lot of tears,” says
Paul. “We’d be sitting there listening to a poignant ballad and crying, then the next song would be an outrageous tongue-in-cheek track and so we’d be laughing. The best thing for getting it all out of your system is tears. Even though I’m from a generation that used to hold them in – and in Liverpool when my mum died we did a lot of holding the tears in – I am no longer remotely like that. I just let it out. People I speak to say it’s supposed to be the best thing. I can’t help myself anyway, because Lin and I were just so tight.”
I also came across some videos on the internet where he did a song in tribute to Linda and also a song in tribute to John Lennon and George Harrison . and he ended up crying singing the song. It was sooo sad.
Anyway, I can relate to his comments because sometimes I feel guilty about silly disagreements I had with Mike even tho they were ones where we made up 5 or 10 mins later. And I can also relate to him talking about breaking down crying in front of others. Last Oct I went with Mikes cousin and her hubby and friend to that reunion in the hillbilly area of KY Mike is from that Mike and I went to every yr. We ate several nites at a restuarant Mike and I would eat at up there. One of the nites I got out my credit card to pay the waitress and when I got my card back, I put it in my wallet. When I did that I saw a pic I had of Mike in my waller and that’s when it hit me full force. I immediately broke down sobbing right in the restaurant. I had to reach in my purse and get a hanky. I was so embarrassed but couldn’t help it. Mikes cousin had to explain to the waitress what was up & she was so sorry. And I’m mumbling thanks with my head ducked down cuz I didn’t want anyone to see me crying like that. She and her friend were saying it’s okay it’s all right we understand and trying to comfort me and pat me on the back. His cousin friend had lost her hubby to cancer over the summer, I think it was and she was telling me she understood and knew what I was going thru. I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom to get myself together.
Also Paul talks about how he didn’t sleep for 3 nites. I can relate to that cuz when Mike passed, I didn’t sleep for either 24 or 48 hrs. Couldn’t sleep.
Anyway I could relate to alot of what he said so I was glad to find all that online. I had another dream where Mike was alive for a yr and not dead. He had his heart attack but was in the hospital for a yr cuz they couldn’t find out how to contact me. All he had on was the clothes he was wearing. I had to tell him I was sorry I had to get rid of alof of out stuff and his Elvis stuff. he said , you got rid of my Elvis stuff. I told him I would have to take him and buy him more clothes to wear. Fortuntely, I’ve had some good dreams where Mike is alive and we go places and do thing like eat out, shop and travel. But I hate waking up from them cuz it means he is dead again.
Enough of my rambling on with what been going on with me. Hope things are going better for everyone. I am here for ya’ll. We are hanging in there together. It’s not easy but one day at a time I guess…
Wow–thanks for researching this Cheryl. It’s nice to know men feel like we do. I asked my kids how they think dad would have reacted had the situation been reversed. They thought he would have had more melt downs and been an emotional wreck. That things wouldn’t be as “stable” (if that’s the right word) in the house. Maybe us women are really the backbone. It’s funny, Paul McCartney felt just like us.
Hi all,
The following is from a devotional entitled, “God Calling” written in the 1930s by two English women who believed God was talking to His people through their writings. They wished to remain anonymous and referred to themselves only as “the two listeners.” For me, it says it all. This existence is brief, and is to prepare us for eternity with our Creator… and our loved ones!
“I have told you, I tell you again, the Unseen World is the real world. Realize more and more as you go through this earth-life that this is only a material-plane parenthesis. The real paragraph, chapter, book of Life is the Spirit-Life.
This point of view will alter your idea of suffering, failure, and the work of life here. It will give you a new view of death. Birth begins the parenthesis, death closes it. Then back to real Life-History. Absorb this.
When you have done so, you will get that same idea about the various periods of your earth-life. Times of struggle, defeat, joy, failure, work, rest, success — treat them all as parts of a parenthesis in the one Eternal Life of spiritual progress.”
Be good to each other, life’s too hard as it is.
Just because your not a gibbering wreck in the corner, doens’t mean you’re not hurting.
The only stopping you being happy is YOU.
Love to you all
Nx
hey guys..the posts are fascinating because each one ( I feel) is directed at me…which is really us. We are all sharing the same experiences, feelings, wishes and expectations. I also, had the same conversation with my 3 kids about if Mark was still here and I was gone. All 3 said how Mark would have been completely incapacitated. My youngest, Katie (22) would not have moved into a house in Newport if Mark was by himself. But women are truly the backbone of the family and in essence society. My biggest concern is that my kids are OK. They have lost one parent, they can not lose another (me)..It has been 6 months since Mark died and I am going through the ‘firsts’..but so are my 3 kids. When they look back on this, I want them to fondly reminisce about these days.. but that is what Mom’s do..we care for the well being of our children and those around us… we must carry on. I do know that I want to be alive and not just live.. Mark would want that..I will admit sometimes it is harder said than done because I do miss him so…but I am trying to take care of me too..much love and solace to you all…Cin
My niece is playing a beautiful song – about meeting the loved one for the first time and how he remembers every detail. My mind just flew back to the day I met my husband. I am crying so much now. I wish he would come back
Songs do it for me. As Martin had such varied taste in music, except for pop, I find the lyrics of the songs, make me burst into tears. Now I’m listening to whatever I feel like, knowing that I’ll be crying not long after putting the CD on. Still music is a must for doing things to, or listening to in the car, so something else I’ll need to get used to.
It’s exactly 16 years, since Martin and I started “dating”, seeing each other, going out. It’s also his birthday and today has been hell.
It’s also my Dad’s birthday he turned 70 today (24th March), and it was my task to take him out for the day. Whenever he wasn’t looking I’ve been crying, wiping away tears and trying to be happy for him when he was looking. We went to Edinburgh to do a bit of charity shopping, always our favorite and then we went to see a show, Dreamboats and Pettycoats, rock n roll, fab show, but I cried most of the way through it. Some of those songs have terrible lyrics when you are feeling like hell.
I’m now at the stage where I’m finding out who my true friends and family are, and it makes me angry. I don’t do things so other people can do things for me in return, but boy oh boy, I’ve been feeling that way over the past few days, because of the let down I’ve had from so called friends and Martin’s family. Sorry ladies, I don’t want to turn this into a rant, but I am there for them whenever they need me, to help them through the tough times, and I bloody well needed them today, but it appears most of them have forgotten it’s Martin’s birthday, and that I’ve been so bloody upset these past few days. I feel so let down by them. The only true family I have are a very small circle of close friends, as they are the ones who have been in touch, although again I think they have forgotten today is his birthday, as I’ve not heard from them. I feel very alone today, and sad but true, sorry for myself.
Much Love to you all, and take your strength from where you can. Mines is from my anger at the moment, anger at how inconsiderate those closest too you can be.
Nx
Oh Norma, I’m so sorry you had to experience this alone. All the “firsts” we have to go through would be so much easier if those closest to us would be more emphatic to our situation. Sometimes we just need to vent and get angry and that’s ok. I’m thinking about and praying for you. Know you have a group of friends right here ready to lift you up. Love, Lori
Norma..hang in there ..I have been reading a great deal about grief and stuff and wanted to know if what I am feeling is ..I guess what I am suppose to feel..if that makes sense?? Mark has been gone 6 months today and all those who were there 6 months ago have gone back to their lives (and that is OK)..but this will never go away for us..and sometimes I do feel like ..was it a big show at the funeral??? but like Lori said..we are here and we really understand…Take care of yourself..LOve, Cindy
I feel so let down. Not by those friends who were willing to come here this weekend but by those closest to me.
I cancelled the party this weekend. Because family. It sounds daft, but I’d arranged this party months ago, only to to be let down by those I needed here.
My sister, asked her husband to move back in with her. They split up 8 years ago and got back together around 4 years ago, but my neice didn’t want him moving back in, just in case it didn’t work. Now it appears it does work and on Valentines Day, she gave him a present of house keys. I’m glad for them, I’m so happy for them to the point of being jealous. But it’s like she forgot about this weekend, because they arranged for him to move back in today. I needed her today, I needed her to come and help me, sort out the house, prepare for tomorrow, but she didn’t even consider that. My Mum used to say that when Jeff came on the scene he came first. It’s true but that’s the way it should be for a husband and wife. But the lack of consideration has hurt me big time. When I mentioned the party to her, you could hear the lack of interest in her voice and the look on her face was more “oh god do I have to?” Even my neice wasn’t that interested. When I said to my Dad, I’ll see you Saturday, he said, what time will you be coming down. Bloody hell, have I put up the facade of being that strong do they not realise how much this week has been like living a waking nightmare?
My husband’s cousin, had the party weekend marked on her calendar. Alison is always happy to see me when I come through for a visit, but on Tuesday she told me she wasn’t coming through, because one of her friends who she’s not seen for a while is having a 50th birthday party. Oh well, another member of the so called family has let me down. Should I be surprised? I get so fed up with others expecting me to come and see them and although I do live quite remote I have lots of spare room. Am I not worth the effort? I am so fed up hearing, if you need me let me know, I’m always here when you need to talk. Lip service is what it is, because deep down I know they are hoping and praying I don’t need to talk with them or if I come round, I don’t speak about Martin.
My 2 closest friends at work, again they’ve known about the party for months, but have both called off coming this weekend. Alan has made an excuse about it being his mum’s birthday, yeah on the Sunday. Hayley suddenly has a cheerleading presentation to attend. Again a severe let down. How do you make people understand the pain you are feeling without driving them away?
Craig and Tanya, lovely couple known them for years. They both arranged to go away today with friends to the other side of the country and then to travel here on the Saturday. God love them, they both tried to make the effort to come here, but I’m pissed off that they didn’t just say no, and arrange to go witht their friends another time. I’m here alone to arrange a party, would you not offer to come early and help? I try to see things from other peoples point of view, but all I can see at the moment is, we’ll come but we don’t really want to.
Martin’s daughter. Sweet lass, she was willing to come through, it had been arranged that she would stay with her boyfriend, and her Dad (stepdad). But then couldn’t stay, had to leave early. Out of Martin’s immediate family Ashlea has been the only one to stay in touch with me constantly, via text, facebook. I don’t blame her, but I still feel let down.
My best friend Richard, I was so looking forward to both him and his girlfriend, Kira, coming through today. Then disaster strikes, shit happens and although it’s not Richard’s fault, licensing issues, unable to work, transport trouble. He was only going to manage to come through tonight, yep but the party is tomorrow. I feel like Fate is laughing at me, because of everyone I really wanted here Richard was top of the list. So I told him not to worry about coming through, to get himself sorted this weekend because if he didn’t he would be signing on for welfare Monday. I don’t want that to happen, Richard is a great guy, but shit always happens to him and always at the wrong time.
Martin’s biker buddies. Only 3 were a gaurantee this weekend, but I’ve had to apologies and told them it was cancelled. 3 out of 15, some friends. I’ve offered to pay their cancellation fees, as I feel bad enough, but so far they have been great about it.
And lastly. Since Martin passed, I’ve heard nothing from his Brother or his Mother. Not that I was expecting to hear from them. Both have issues with his Father, so they didn’t make it to his funeral because his Dad would be there with his new wife. But I’ve also heard nothing, not even a text or email from his Father. That’s because he thinks more of his step daughters than his own flesh and blood. Ashlea, his grand daughter hasn’t even heard from him.
Because of all the above, it has dampened the support I am getting from Martin’s best friend Roddy. Roddy wanted to come through regardless, I couldn’t face it. I asked him not to come and that I’d like a few days on my own, said I’d call him Sunday. Roddy wasn’t able to support us through Martin’s illness, because he was taking care of his Mother who was ill and coming to the end of her life. He supported his mother completely through her illness and wasn’t going to manage to come through this weekend because of that, but unfortunately she passed away earlier this month. I feel bad about asking him not to come through, but I just can’t face it.
I feel so alone right now. I feel that I’ve been abandoned by my family and that because they think I’m a strong person I don’t need their support. Sorry, but bollocks. Don’t they get it? Don’t they understand how hard it is for me? I’ve tried to tell them, I’m honest when they ask me how I’m doing, does it just go in one ear out the other? I said to my friend Richard that communication is key. He should start listening to Kira instead of just hearing her. Maybe that’s the message I need to get across to my family, start listening to me instead of just hearing me.
Thank you ladies, I had to get this out, because this is how I feel. I know that you will listen. I know that all of the above sounds bleak and I do have wrong thoughts running through my head, but don’t worry they are just thoughts and they are not something that I will act upon. My life isn’t over, and if I’m lucky I will meet a new man of my dreams, someone different to Martin, who will understand that I will have hard times ahead of me because I will always love Martin and I’ll need them to help me get through it.
Much love to you all.
Normaxxx
Norma,
I’m sorry you’ve had such frustrations, but am glad you could vent here. Even though no one else has responded, I’m sure many are identifying with what you are experiencing. I, too, am often disappointed by others. All the ‘grief advice’ books say it is important to talk about our feelings in order to work through the grief, but I’m finding that many people no longer want to hear about it. Right at first there were wonderful people inviting me to talk to them…. but I was too distraught to talk as much as I perhaps should have. Now I’m ready to talk, but 21 months have passed since Don died, and most people no longer want to hear what I have to say. So, I do most of my ‘talking’ in my prayers…. and that has definitely helped me. I’ve said some prayers for you, too, Norma, plus the others on this forum. I hope they help.
Thank you Jeanine
I hear what you say, and thank you for including this non-believer in your prayers I find it comforting to be part of your thoughts.
It’s been very quiet on the site of late. This is probably good, as others are distracted in their grief by life.
You know if you want to talk, you can speak to me anytime. I love hearing from the ladies. Perhaps Corine can advise on how we can share emails or facebook profiles. It would be an honour to have you as a friend.
Take care, my sweet.
Much Love
Normaxxx
Twitter: miraclady
March 30, 2010 at 4:30 am
Dear Norma – and all my Dear Ones -
Yes, It is time for some updates. Hopefully, it has been “quiet” because people are doing better. Let us know.
But because there are not as many comments does not mean that yours – even from long ago – are not being read. I get at least 600 people from all over the world a month who read your thoughts
and get comfort in that they are not alone. Most of them do not comment. Perhaps they are too shy or are so new at the computer they are afraid they do not know how to do it.
As far as your sharing emails and facebook pages, that is up to you.
You can include that information in the body of your post. It’s OK with me. But think about it. You will then be very public.
As you know, you have to leave your email in order to post but it is never shown to anyone by me.
One of the advantages of this forum is that you can say whatever you want and crticize anyone – and share your most intimate feelings – and you are anonymous.
People reading do not know your last name or where you live. There is a big advantage in that. You can be totally honest.
But, do as you like.
What do the rest of you think?
Love to all always -
Corinne
I would love to share my life with my new friends in cyberspace. I live in Newport, RI and if anyone is ever in the area..you have a place to stay…(plenty of room)…Cin
Thanks Corinne. I wouldn’t want to put anything on the site, you aren’t happy with. If you hadn’t set this site up, I believe this journey would be a lot harder. I’m happy to give out one of my email addresses and even if this means getting spam because of it, I know that I’ll start making new friends around the world.
nntfp@yahoo.co.uk
All genuine replies and I’ll send you my facebook page. Even if you decide to send me an email, I will never be far from this site. It is a lifeline when I need it, and I do mean a life line. It helps me stay focused on my journey, so disappointment and frustration doesn’t send me down the wrong path.
Much love
Norma xxx
Twitter: miraclady
March 30, 2010 at 6:45 am
If anyone wants to put up their email do it this way. The spammers cannot track it.
Instead of using the @
nnfp at yahoo.co.uk
When you want to send an actual email to someone -
take out the “at” and substitute the @ as usual.
Hi Corinne: I tried to e-mail without the @ and my computer will not let it go through because it considers the address not legitimate withou the @.
I think Corinne, means to write it like
nntfp at yahoo.co.uk on here, but replace the “at” with an @ sign, when writing it to your mail contacts.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi everybody,
Do not get fustrated. Listen to your own inner self that is speaking to you, when you quiet yourself down thru meditation. Unclutter. You are number one. Love yourself. Visualize and fill yourself with good energy.
I held my first Reiki session today to help a friend. I am just a quiet being. I leave no footprints in the rice paper. One might feel just the slightest breeze from my wings.
Humbly,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I appreciate your offer, Norma, and may take you up on it one of these days. Right now I am having a hard time keeping up with the email messages I’m already getting. It’s not that I get so many……. I just can’t seem to make myself respond in a timely manner to the ones I do get. I do OK with talking…. but not with writing. I’m still on an emotional roller coaster, though it is getting less extreme as time passes, and I find I’m still not able to do some things like I used to. One of those things is doing email messages.
I’m curious as to how many countries are represented on this site… would people feel comfortable writing where they are from? I’m in the US. I can tell from your email address that you are from the UK, Norma. Cindy wrote that she is in the US. Anyone else willing to volunteer where they are? It’s fine if you aren’t comfortable with revealing your location…. I understand.
Hello friends, I read the site daily but sometimes don’t feel I can respond because it feels like I keep repeating myself and each of you would get bored reading the same woeful statements. We are all feeling the same and some days are better than others. I am very grateful for all of you and knowing I am not alone. Unfortunately, the feelings and emotions we share are all stemmed from the same loss–our beloved husbands. Love to you all, Lori (I’m from the U.S. by the way–Minnesota).
Hello Ladies:
I too love to read the messages for the comfort of knowing that I am not alone; my husband passed away almost 2 months ago and the grief is just still too raw to respond but reading the posts is very comforting!
You ladies inspire me and give me faith in a time when the pain will be lessened and the memories will be of comfort! I live in California and my thoughts and prayers are with ALL of us!
Liza
Yes it is so comforting to read these posts. Although I don’t write often.
Love and Peace to all!!
How are all my friends doing? My oldest daughter is getting married tomorrow–so it will be a bittersweet day. She never dreamed she would have to walk down the aisle without her dad. Love to all of you. Lori
Hi Lori
I’m sure her dad walked with her, and blessed her. My very best wishes to your daughter.
Take care!
Zulaifa
Hi Lori
It is going to be very hard for both of you and that is understandable.
Such a joyous occasion, yet hard to be joyful without husband and father on earth to share in the celebration. Our Daughters 10th Birthday is this weekend it will be hard without him for the first time.
Let us know how it goes and Blessings to your Daughter, your family and especially you on this very important day. I know how you feel as we had the same experiences this last year and it is so very hard. I have not posted in a while but you are so special I just had to pop in!!
{{{Hugs}}}} Denise
Hi Lori
Congratulations on the marriage of your daughter, I’m sure the day will go well. Don’t forget your kleenex. I never cried at weddings before I got married myself, as I understand now how special the event of 2 people coming together to show others how much they love each other is such a touching moment.
Are you walking her down the isle? I hope so, or maybe a brother? It is the happiest day you’ve had in a long time, your husband will be very proud of you and your daughter.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi Denise
Many blessings to your daughter. My son celebrated his 10th last year in June, without his daddy and my daughter her 6th year last August. Although it was very hard for all of us, I told them their daddy is watching over them, and his blessing are with them. When I gave away their gifts and birthday cards. It read From loving Mama and Dada. Hope everything will go well for both of you.
Many blessings to all of you.
Zulaifa
my darling husband has just passed away 3 days ago and i don’t know how i am going to get through this, my heart is broken in two i just want him back. He was only 63 and we were together 27 years i am 42 years old and he was still is my soulmate.
Dearest Heather
You are very strong. It took months for me to be in front of the computer. Hang on here you’ll get a lot of strength from the ladies here.
Love and Peace
Hello friends, the wedding was beautiful and went off without a hitch. Thank you for your kind words and wonderful support. I honestly thought of all of you holding me up during certain points on Friday. Thank you for the kinds words and “hugs”.
Heather, we all know where you are coming from and all feel exactly like you. My husband died in Dec. at age 52 of a massive heart attack. No prior warning, nothing. I have 4 children (25, 22, 14, 9) we were together almost 27 years. I barely remember the beginning days and often felt like I was on autopilot. I still cry everyday–some days not as much, but the littlest thing sets me off. It is usually something that was just between us or something I would have loved to share with him. Keep writing, this is a wonderful group of friends from all over the world and we have one huge thing in common. Love, Lori
Hi everyone.
It is very comforting to know that there are other people out there in a similar position. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly after an operation 6 weeks ago. I am still in such shock and grief it is difficult to even explain. We have a young son and it is his 6th birthday tomorrow, I cannot stop crying when I think he will never see his father again and I will never see or speak to my husband again. I just cannot believe the pain, we were married for 20 years and I have known him for 24 years in total. We never stopped laughing together and chatting. I miss him so much. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone in this group as I know what they are going through.
Beverley
Hello friends, today marks 4 months since I lost my husband. People at work are oblivious to the date–and I really don’t expect them to remember–I’m just feeling pretty sad today. I wish my life was back. Love you all.
I understand totally. I dread Friday when everyone says “have a good weekend.” I dread weekends. That was our time and it is hard. I try to fill the days with grandkids and “chores.”
People at work can be so clueless at times. I know they don’t know what to say; but am tired of people telling me I need to start a new life. It has only been a month since Paul passed away and I miss him terribly.
Trying to hang in there and learn how to live without hism
heather,
My story is very similar to yours. My husband died at age 69 and I was 49 and we were totally soul mates. A year and two months have passed and the hurt is still deep but not so much on the surface. I miss him terribly. Remembering those first few days, I did sign on to this website early. I think I just sat in front of Google and typed in “my husband just died” and up came this support. It is a wonderful place to come when you need women who understand the loss you are feeling. Hang in there. Just take it one day at a time. Remember all you can about your husband and write it down while it is still fresh. List all the things you loved about him and the things that you learned from him and things he said that made you laugh. I did that right away too and have read and re-read them several times over. You will never forget, but the memories are fresh now.
Teresa
Heather, Teresa has some wonderful advice. I found it comforting to write my husband a letter every night telling him about my day. Some days it is overflowing in sadness, some days it is a bit brighter, and some days I’m entirely overwhelmed with my new normal (especially the day when the engine light went on in the car, there was a snowstorm that blocked in the driveway, and I wasn’t sure how to change the furnace filter). I miss him and cry everyday–some days I sob, some I just get tears in my eyes–but it is everyday. Know you have friends who feel exactly like you do. Love, Lori
Hello Ladies, It’s been a while since we saw each other’s post, but I’m glad when they come through.
It’s 20 weeks since Martin, passed and although I’m moving on with my life, I get really bad dreams. Martin comes to visit me in my dreams when it’s snowing. I had snow here the other night, but didn’t realise it until I’d got up in the morning, after a horrendous dream. I got up in the morning looked up at his picture and told him off. Why can’t we have a romantic time on the beach somewhere? That’s what I asked him. CAn’t imagine we’ll get much more snow, until later in the year, so won’t be able to test my theory till then.
He would be so proud of me, I’ve managed to get back to eating normally, with a cooked meal every night and nothing but healthy eats in the fridge. I joined the gym and have been running, the couch to 5k is an amazing programme for beginners, would recomend it to you all. It has certainly helped with my head and my heart. Over the past 5 weeks I’ve lost another 4kg, that’s 8 1/2 pounds to most of us and it won’t stop there. I’m training for a fun run in aid of MND Scotland (motor neurone disease, or ALS as you may know it over the pond) and so far I’ve raised nearly £300. Looking forward to it, as doing a fun run is one of my challenges for this year.
I miss him so much it hurts really bad sometimes, but then I remember what he told me. “Stop doing things for other people, and start concentrating on yourself” Well I still do things for others, but I come first now. Hence the healthier life style, getting fit etc. At 3.30pm today, I thought about him and I started to well up. I took a deep breath and listened to the music on my phone and let the moment pass. Just because I don’t always show, doesn’t mean I’m OK. When people ask how I’m doing, I still give them the honest answer, “as best I can, with each day a roller coaster of emotions” Peace and love to you all. For those ladies who have just suffered the loss of your husbands, my thoughts are with you. Keep in touch and we will help you through your journey as you will help us through ours.
Much love
Normaxxx
Heather
I am so very sorry and I know how terribly you must miss him. The site has helped me and I know it can help you too! My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly at Age 49 after 22 years together. He was not sick and did not have any known health problems. We have one young child who just turned 10. It has been 8 months since his sudden cardiac arrest but feels like yesterday. Tell us about your husband and feelings and we can help because we know how you feel. Trying to talk to others just is not the same!
Denise
Beverly
I am so sorry for your loss. I know the shock and pain you are feeling and would like to help you. All of the Ladies on this site would like to help you!!
I know how hard it will be to stay strong for your young child, but you will be surprised where your strength comes from. Remember the cost of loving someone, and the pain you feel is because you had been lucky to find that special someone to spend many days/years with on earth. Be kind to yourself and try and work through the pain a little at a time. My daughter just had her 10th Borthday without Daddy for the first time and she spent much of the time in her room crying at the party because she was so sad – she loved him so. Some day it will be revealed to us why our husbands were taken before us, but have faith and hope that you will see him again some day. Our life here on earth is very short and pales in comparison for what is to come, Gods promise of everlasting life will be granted unto you if you simply ask. The holy spirit will bring peace to you, it will take time, but I am living proof of the powers of Gods grace that work from within. Stay strong and let us know how you are feeling every once in a while. The Anger, Depression, Profound Sadness and perhaps even Guilt will be a part of the journey and we will walk that path with you…we have all been down that road and can maybe help you in some ways.
Denise
I am an echo to Denise because I, too, am living proof of God’s power. I was blessed with 43 years of being ‘as one’ with my husband and best friend. I truly did not believe that I could live without him…. I didn’t want to live without him. When he died I asked God to either take me, too, or take charge of my life. I couldn’t function on my own. It now has been 22 months since my man graduated from this world and I am amazed that I am not only still alive, but am actually enjoying life at times. That is totally a testament to the power that the Holy Spirit can wield in a person, when invited.
Sorry I’ve been doing more reading than writing on here but was busy doing some stuff like working on some websites of mine like a Beatles website. and my mom got a bug and I got it too. So glad to be over it. I know what you all are going thru and I wish you all well.
Just when the nightmares about Mike weren’t happening anymore, I get 2 more nightmares about him. In them he dies and come back to life and I am mad at him for dying on me. I wish they would stop. I only want to dream good stuff about him.
Recently an elderly lady my best friend who set me up on the blind date with Mike and I knew passed on. I went to the funeral home visiting and met my friend there for it and a funeral home visiting for a man in our church that we and Mike knew. Both times the viewing was in the room Mike was in. That was hard for me cuz I would think of how Mike was in there & want to cry but can’t cuz folks are around. Fortunately being with my friend helped. I’ve been going places with her like shopping and that helps me get my mind off of things.
The only reason I don’t cry every day is cuz I still don’t believe he is gone. It’s been a yr and I will never believe it. I keep hoping one day I will wake up & he will be alive but I know it’s not so.
A few week ago they had a surprise 60th bd party for my cousin who is my cousin Jason’s dad. I went with my folks. They had made up a memory book to give to my cousin where they had asked people to submit their memories for it and my mom had. I was looking at it on the table and noticed in it was a pic of my cousin from my wedding. Mike wasn’t in it but still I got all touched and sad and started to cry. I had to stop cuz I didn’t want folks to see and I wanted to show it to my mom. I was showing it to her and my aunt & going aww, that’s was from my wedding. I went to put it back and got to looking at the picture again. And just seeing a pic from my wedding even without Mike in it made me cry. I started to cry and not wanting anyone to see went to the bathroom real quick. I got a hankerchief out of my purse and had to stay in the bathroom a few minutes wiping my tears and trying to get back to normal. I dried my tears, splashed water on my face and went back out trying to look like normal.
I miss him so much. I do alot of my crying in bed at night, so no one sees. It’s bad enough that I break down at times in front of my folks.
I too thought I couldn’t live without Mike. I would tell him I didn’t think I could handle living without him. He said you don’t know what you will do. He was right. I have somehow survived. It hasn’t been easy but I know it is the grace of God that has kept me going. I still hurt as much as I did when he passed and always will.
Wish we could all get together and meet. That would be nice. Maybe if you guys could come to VA sometime. Hope things are going well for you guys. Prayers just said for you all…
I am so sorry for your pain and know what you are feeling. I lost my husband only 1 month ago. Some days it feels like only yesterday and some days it feels like forever. He was sick for 4 months and those 4 months were an emotional rollcoaster for both of us.
He died in my arms one week after he came home from open heart surgery.
I miss him terribly.
God bless
Love and healing to everyone today!
http://www.bible-knowledge.com/lost-loved-ones/
How do you not feel angry for being left behind. Nothing is the same. I don’t even enjoy my grandchildren the way I used to. Everyone says that it takes time to heal; I just hope I don’t stay bitter.
Hi Karen, In my experience (my husband passed away 4 months ago at home from a heart attack) I still get angry. I hate this–and if I didn’t have 2 of our 4 children (14 and 9 year olds) still at home it would have taken everything I had to not go into the garage, start the car, and never come out. I’m angry they have to grow up without a dad. Our first grandchild was 3 months old when he died so I’m angry he didn’t get more time with her too. I”m angry he missed our oldest daughter’s wedding a couple of weeks ago, I’m even angry at God at times, but feel He has big shoulders and was probably anticipating my anger toward Him. I don’t have any answers, but know exactly how you feel. Thank goodness we have this forum to air out our feelings. Friends and family who have not experienced this are kind, but clueless. Love, Lori
I get very angry and bitter to. Like what is the purpose of life? My world came crashing down with Stevens sudden unexpected passing and it is almost impossible to find anything pleasurable without Steven in it. Why did he have to leave in his 40′s with young children- so sudden with no warning. It is NOT fair- is it too much to ask to at least have been able to say goodbye and that we loved him? My 9 year old is very resentful she did not get to say goodbye and I feel the same way.
It is a scary feeling, we are not in control. We have never been in control- I never dreamed because he was so healthy and fit I would be a widow with young children. So YES I write encouraging words but I also feel all of the same things everyone feels. Gods Plan did not match mine. He may have seen something up the road for Steven and he took his hand when he did for a reson. I want to know that reason why his heart just stopped- but no one can tell me. It was not a heart attack his heart just went out of rhythym and stopped- cardiac arrest is a mystery. I watched it- he did not suffer he just layed on the couch, made a few moans and died- I thought he was sleeping or dreaming and then the next thing I new paramedics were shocking his heart trying to bring him back. And I am supposed to feel “special” that he passed away at home here with us? I struggle everyday with this but then the Holy spirit calms me, reminds me that we are all going to pass- it is just a matter of when. Some very young, some very old, but we will all pass. We are living in the past now the future is everlasting life and its promise from our Lord God Jesus Christ is something to look forward to. There is no pain, addictions, afflictions or sorrow- only Hope, Peace and Love. We will be re-united with our loved ones and it will be revealed to us why they crossed over and reached this eternal bliss before us. Remember it is us who are living imperfectly on Earth. God has a purpose for us here on earth and we have to go on to find that purpose. I do not mean to isolate the “non-believers” and leave them out because they may have many of the same feelings, but I tell you with 99.999% assurance that what I say is true. It is OK to be angry with God- he understands and forgives and heals. I have already felt some healing after 8 months. Stevens father suffered for 11 years in a nursing home with Alzheimers he did not even know us, could not feed himself he just lie in a state of helplessness. It broke our hearts and Steven said he never would have wanted that on anyone- especially himself. I play back some issues Steven was having with his short term memory. He simply was not remembering things. Could it be that God granted the answer to his prayers? Was alzheiners beginning to set in as it did with his father at an early age? That God knew how this was the last thing in the world Steven would have wanted so he took his hand when he did? I feel so bad for getting mad at him for not remember anything- it was scary. I also have guilt that maybe I could have saved him “If I had only done this- or that” or made him go to the doctor. I then have to remind myself I am NOT in control- none of us are.
So I think I have rambled enough thoughts for today. I just want everyone to know what I feel- many of the same things you all feel. I cry every day I miss him so much. He was my world and now I am left here to wonder how do I rebuild my world without him? One day at a time and walking with the Lord. Some days he even has to carry me I am so weak- but without him I have nothing. God Bless!
My husband, Paul, was 60 and had an aneurism after 5 months of being ill and the in the hospital for 3 weeks and open heart surgery. He died one week after he came home and my birthday suddenly in my arms. That was AWFUL. I don’t even enjoy my grandkids anymore. I guess that is why I am bitter. I don’t enjoy life the way I used to.
People including my family tell me that I am lucky because I had him for 23 years and we were very happy. Don’t feel real lucky.
Hang in there everyone. We have family depending on us. My 28 year old son keeps saying he can’t loose both parents and asking me to hang in there. It is tough and I guess we need to hang in there for the rest of the family – doesn’t make life easier.
Thank you Denise and everyone for all your thoughts and kind words. It is very comforting to know that there are others out there that are going through exactly the same feelings as myself. I too am very bitter and angry that my 6 year old son has to grow up without a father. His birthday was the first that his Dad was not there, it was a struggle just to get through the day. It is now his birthday and mine during this coming week, I do not know how I am going to get by, it all seems a blur and a nightmare from which I am not waking up.
I just keep holding onto the thought that perhaps time is the healer and that all the thoughts that keep going round and round my head, like perhaps this somehow could have been avoided, if he went to the Doctor earlier etc, etc will recede. I like you Denise never even had the opportunity to say goodbye and tell him how much I loved him. I understand exactly how you feel, the awful fear and shock of losing someone that was so fit and healthy – he had hardly had a day off sick in 20 years. I am still reeling from the realization that I am now a widow in my early forties with a young child. I keep thinking I am in a nightmare and it never seems to end. There is the additional torment that like your husband nobody really seems to know exactly why or what caused him to die.
As you say we can only pray to God that someday we will have peace in our hearts and acceptance, even though that is hard to imagine at the moment. God bless to you all.
Beverley
Beverly,
I know that pain that you are feeling. I still wake up some mornings thinking it was a bad dream. It is scary how life can change in a matter of minutes and you have no control. It has been a month for me and, I am finding that I am sleeping; but have this “wondering” feeling at times over the weekends. Thank God for my work as it keeps me busy during the week; but, weekends are tough. Everyone says “time will heal.” I guess it will. It is just getting through it. I am dreading the holidays this year. We used to do so much with our two little grandchildren and this will be hard to fact alone. I just keep praying for strength.
My husband Steve died 17 days ago from a sudden heart attack while under observation in intensive care, in Hong Kong. He was just 40. We have a 10 month old baby girl, and Steve has two children in Melbourne from his first marriage. He was my world, I was his world. All I want to do is take over his work and show him I can take it to the moon and back to realise his dreams and provide for our daughter and families. I can’t concentrate on our loss. My family cocoon is amazing but I can’t go out much. I am happy for friends to drop over, or to be driving to see his family, with a common purpose, but I am not ready to be in environments that are not about Steve. He was tall, strong, my protector and adorer. We only new each other for 4 years. I am so lucky to have had the 4 years I had with this angel. His Greek Orthodox priests tell me he is at God’s side protecting us. I need a sign. I cry in the mornings but am fine at night. Our daughter keeps me laughing and going but there is a no hand next to me anymore. I miss him like crazy but just hope and pray I will change the world with my love for him.
Kate
Kate, I am so sorry for your loss. It has been a month since my husband Paul passed suddenly after his heart surgery. Shock takes over in the beginning and you feel like you are on another level from the rest of the world. I was numb for the first few weeks. I am just starting to feel some things again. I can’t believe that the rest of the world is still going on as I am in a whirlwind of emotions and loneliness. Take care of yourself and your little one. Don’t do anything too soon. Give it time. Prayers are with you and your family.
Go Kate. Well done you. But be careful. You may not be ready yet, but grief will hit you one day. Like you I moved forward with my life, tried to do things, get on with it, then BANG, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Prepare yourself, if you can, but keep up that good work.
Much love
Normazzz
Thanks Karen and Norma,
I know you are right. I am showing classic signs of a grief stricken widow. I am trying to shock myself with words like widow, single mum, unmarried, alone. Letters flow through the door saying “horrendous, incomprehensible, tragic, words fail me” so I realise it’s going to be a hard road. My husband was happy (albeit stressed) for the first time in 20 years (a bad marriage, a bad relationship that followed, then me!). We still did it hard because of his insecurities and my self assuredness but we had a glue and I was determined to work at it to make it blissful and I told him that, to his disbelief. Part of me feels relief that such hard work is over. Then I feel guilty saying that. But the other part misses my misunderstood, vulnerable and highly emotional husband who would have given me the world if he could. I feel i have been robbed of my personal quest to make him happy. What a martyr hey. And now I want to keep making him happy from below. I am angry he has left me in a messy business situation but so proud he was giving a new business a seriously good crack. I am so so sad that our dreams have been shattered and I now have to go build them on my own. I could not have more love or support (it’s almost suffocating) but when we sit around laughing all I can think is how much he would love to be part of the scene. To find a focus quickly may be the only reason I get out of bed otherwise I will just stare at walls and wish about all the “what ifs” and “how comes”. I have strength, but I need direction and no one can give it to me, no one. As my mum has always said, you come in to this life alone and you leave it alone. (to end on a low note!)
Thanks again for your advice. It’s all on board. x Kate
hi Kate, reading your posts, it’s like listening to myself. I can’t believe how much alike we are in attitudes towards our husbands (mine too was hard work, and I to feel cheated of my personal quest to make him happy), towards our way forward and our infinite kindred spirit of being widow’s in grief.
Keep doing what you are doing, you will fulfil everything that you and your husband dreamed, but now you are doing it for YOU. And if you are truly anything like me, you will find another personal quest, but maybe this time they will be less of a challenge. Lets face it we aren’t getting any younger!
Much love, Kate, keep it up and when you are low, you know where to come.
Normaxxx
Thanks Norma,
Clearly I am vulnerable, checking in on this site to read more. It’s wonderful to know we are on the same wavelength already.
Have spent another day talking about Steve’s pros and cons and feeling like he must be disappointed in me for telling tales. He was very private.
We are still awaiting biopsy results to help us find out what caused his heart attack. So far all signs show a healthy heart. He had percarditis when he was 28 y/o but nothing indicated he had it again. I used to kiss his heart and ask it to tick for a long time for all our sakes. I worry stress may have killed him and maybe I added to his stress. I know nothing can change what has happened now. And sometimes a cause of death cannot be determined. I am expecting that. Some people tell me an inconclusive result tears them apart more than anything but I am hoping I will not let that stop me from moving forward.
I had a suit tailored for Steve for his 40th birthday. All our friends and family contributed. He was fitted for it in March and it was being tailored in London and arriving home in HK about six weeks later. My friends arranged to have it sent to us in Melbourne in the hope we could bury him in it. It didn’t make it in time but it did arrive today. How strange seeing something that fits his body perfectly that will never be worn by the man for whom it was made. He would have rocked it. He would have stood ten inches taller in it. A material loss of course but another material reminder of a man I can’t hug.
I howled at him today. A spiritual advisor of a friend told me they spoke with Steve a few days after he died. I know it sounds weird but he said Steve told him he was surprised by his death too, that it was beautiful where he was, and that he would always protect my daughter and me. Somehow that gives me strength but I still want a sign. He would never wish this turmoil on us. Never. I think God may have saved him from pain but he was in the prime of his life!!
I am so happy to have found this site and hope I can help others as you are helping me. All my friends want to take me to lunch, to dinner or for a drive in the countryside but they really don’t understand (as hard as they try) how much that is not going to help me right now. My best friend knows what to do – she just listens.
Love, Kate x
Hi Ladies, it’s been a tough weekend. Missing Martin, angry again and saying the same phrase over and over, it’s not fair. But when is life fair.
I’ve decided that I’m going to move in with my Dad, we are both in the same boat if you remember, Mum passed 4 weeks before Martin. I need to feel safe again, and living in the middle of nowhere is just not good, when I’m feeling low. That decision has also given me the motivation I need to start getting rid of things. Material things, like Kate said, material things that used to fit and now no-one for them to give a hug in.
I know some may say its not the best decision, but it will give me the safety I so desire at the moment. Left to my own devises in a place where no-one comes to visit and phone calls are few and far between could lead to disaster. A final disaster with no going back.
I love life, I just loved it more with Martin in it. I got my passport on Thursday my first, and it was very upsetting, as it was mine. Not one for me and one for Martin, just mine. Another part of the journey, another step forward, but a reminder of how this journey is a lonely one, at times.
Another day begins for some of you, another day over for others, but for all of us another day forward.
Much love
Normaxxx
Sounds like a good idea to me, Norma… for both you and your dad. I, too, may be making a move some time this year. My son and his wife live 60 miles north me me, and they want me closer. My daughter and her family live a few blocks from me now, but also plan to move up closer to my son’s area in a year or two, as there are better job opportunities for my son-in-law there.
I dread the thought of the hassle of selling my house and moving, but realize it will force me to sort through and and get rid of belongings…. which is something I’ve put off doing for the almost-two-years since my Don died. Most importantly, my son and his wife really WANT me closer so I can be a part of their lives, and that is such a blessing. I’ll be sad to leave this house that was ‘our home’ for the last five years of my life with Don, and to have less contact with my daughter and her family (at least until they get moved, too,) but we all agree that it would be for the best.
Isn’t it cruel, the changes we need to make. But something tells me they are all positive. Steve and I had measured up a new apartment the day before he died. We were to move in to it in two weeks. He was a homewares designer and had all these fun ideas for saving space and hiding my mess! I am with family in Melbourne and am staying here for a while so I am asking packers and friends to pack up our old place. I see no reason to go in there and sniff Steve’s pillow or cry over his clothes. I have good memories there, and tragic ones after his death. I don’t want to walk the rooms without him, bath my baby without him, stare at the view without him. I have also cancelled the new apartment as well. For the same reasons. I don’t want to live in a place where we both had immediate dreams to share. Curtains have been made. They are going. If and I when I move back, I will find a new place and the unpacking will be hard but I will be forced to reduce Steve’s hanging space. It would be odd I think to lay all his things back out into drawers. Maybe just a few secret places where my daughter and I can gaze. She will never know him being so young so I’ll need to have some shrines to her daddy. his office is being packed up. My friends are taking roles and removing some pain. Anyway he is here in Melbourne now so I feel safer here. But something tells me I must move on. Get a new place for me and my daughter with beds for all guests. How I will afford it I don’t know but I must create environments that sooth and inspire. Like being around your families. it will brighten your days for sure. Their lives will involve you and they will need you. It’s so important to us all to be needed. I think that’s a key to staying on top. Your dad Norma, your kids Jeanine, will all truly benefit too from feeling they are doing something positive for you. So many people don’t know how to help and when they know this will make you happy, they will be happy and that can only be a great step forward for you all.
Norma you sound like you have plenty of self motivation. I really hope you can put it to good use to build a team of angels around you. One thing I know is that Steve would not want me getting depressed or morbid. He loved my love for life so I am going to make sure he drives me forward. It’s the least he can do!!
xx Kate
I just feel, so sad. Might have something to do with that time of the month, and then again.
I get really good support, when I’m at work, or at my Dad’s, but here it’s just me and the cats, and not enough cuddles, hugs or tea torture. A cool game we used to play, to see who would make tea.
I give notice tomorrow and hopefully I’ll be all settled in with Dad by the end of June. I handed in Martin’s biker leathers to the charity shop today. A big hold all full of leathers. I thought that might make me cry, but it was the best place for them. Better the Red Cross gets the money, if they can sell them. Martin was a tall skinny man, so they are all quite small sized, not many small bikers over here. But at least that’s another thing done. I’d make a list but I feel the motivation in completing it will just make me more sad.
I miss him, and I want him back. No two ways about it. But I can’t have him back and I’m not prepared to live in the past. At least inside the city limits (once you live outside the city limits it’s like you no longer exist up here even if it is only 45 minutes away), I might have a chance of completing this journey. However long it takes.
So onward and upward, I just wish this roller coaster ride of emotions would give me a straight for a while, it’s exhausting being totally high one minute, the so very low the next. At least I’ve learnt something, 10 days out of the month, its really low, and that’s my 10 days almost over. Time for the high!
Much love to you all, stay strong and ladies, listen to Kate her wisdom is far beyond her years. Although in time she may need to listen to us.
Normaxxx
For those moving in with your folks, it’s probably good cuz you won’t have to be alone. It was for me. One thing ya’ll had that I didn’t was time to sort thru stuff and make sure stuff didn’t go that you wanted to keep. With me the folks fixing up my house so I could rent ti out had to get it done NOW, so the folks coming to get the stuff for auction and the folks help get my hubby records I wanted to sell and seperate mine from his and my mom cleaning lady who came to help me get my clothes together to take to my folks house all came at once. Confusion reigned and that’s why some stuff I didn’t want to be thrown out our auction off got gone. It was sad having to let furniture, kitchen stuff etc and some knicknacks go but my folks didn’t have the room for it.
I was having it hard yesterday. I have on my folks kitchen table a pic of Mike in a small frame which I keep on the side of the table where he would sit when we’d eat with my folks. I looked at it talked to him and cried. My folks don’t understand why I talk to him & cry. They think I am obsessed with him. I think it kind of scares them to see me like that. But I can’t help it. I hurt so much over him even tho it’s been a yr. Now he’s gone I have to go to places alone cuz my folks can’t go with me at their age much. And my best friend who introduced me to Mike has to work and can’t always go. My folks were telling me the other day not to talk so much as they can’t take alot of talking at their age. I told my mom I had no one to talk to now that Mike was gone. She said she as so sorry & sorry they had gotten old and couldn’t do much with me.
At least in May I get to go with them to the beach at Nags head for 2 weeks. it’ll be fun and I’ll be bringing dvd’s of old 60′s & 70′s tv shows with me and a portable dvd player. But it won’t be the same without Mike. I miss him so much. Some days tho it seems as if he was some mythical figure like Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny. I still don’t fully believe or comprehend that he’s gone sometimes and that is really messing me up. Hope things go better for you all. Prayers just said for you all.
Hey Cheryl, good to hear from you.
You say that “it won’t be the same, with out Mike”, you’re right it won’t be the same, it’ll be different. You will feel sad because you will want to share it with Mike, but Mike is in your heart and what you feel for the first time, so will he, what you experience, so will he.
It might sound like I’m trying to tell you what to do, but I’m not, I think if you look at it from a different view point, doing new things might not be as hard as you think. I wish I was going to Nags head for 2 weeks, sounds great and I don’t think I’d need the DVD’s except may be to fall asleep to. Enjoy yourself sweetie, you more than diserve it. Let us know how it went.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi Everyone
It will be 9 months on the 9th of May since Steven passed away suddenly here at our home. I have made much progress and so has our 10 year old daughter. After 8 months of failing at “getting over” what happened, I have surcomed to the fact that I will never get over it, so therefore if I set that expectation, I have not failed! I mean really to have 22 years with someone who was fit and healthy and then watch them pass away before your very eyes in a matter of 10 minutes? I will relive that 10 minutes for the rest of my earthly life replaying that time and the normal day leading up to that time- looking for clues that could have possibly made me “see it was coming”. He worked that day, we went out to Dinner after he came home from work, and we watched TV on the couch and he took his normal nap. Never again did he awake he went into cardiac arrest laying on the couch. I thought maybe he was having a bad dream but when I shook him to awake him I realized his eyes were open, his forehead was burning up and he could not move or speak only moan. I cried out OH God Steven has had a stroke, which is what I told the paramedics when I called 911 and in a few minutes they arrived. From there he was breathing but his heart was out of Rhythym on the monitor so they tried shocking it 2 or 3 times and his heart would not restart a normal rhythym. He stopped breathing, he lost his pulse, they started CPR but I watched the color quickly change from rosy read, to pale- he passed away before my very eyes . Somehow I told myself they would bring him back (like on TV) and that when I got to the ER to meet him in the ambulance, he would be saved! I walked in and there was no rush-rush- everything was quiet. A pastor walked up to me with the doctor and they brought me into a room and told me they were not able to save him. My world came crashing down-I walked into the room where he was all hooked up to tubes and as I said goodbye I leaned over and kissed his forehead-it was cold as ice and I just lost it. I will never forget that feeling on my lips and the horror that ran through my soul having to go home and tell his little daughter Daddy was gone he passed away. That look of disbelief on her her little face was like a knife stabbing me in the heart. Everyone was at my house and no one believed this perfectly healthy man was GONE. The arrangements were very tough to make and the autopsy and toxicology showed nothing. The wake, funeral and luncheon were all kind of a blur, the pain was profound I had never, ever felt so sad yet some were celebrating his life , laughing and sharing stories about what an awesome man he was. The first 3 months I wept, I cried, I sobbed and I refused to believe he was gone. I could not drive, I had nightmares, panick attacks, anxiety and could barely care for our child. The next 3 months the guilt set in, I was angry, I blamed the doctors, hospital, paramedics, his work, his family- anyone I could- but mostly I blamed myself for not having “seen this coming”. I was angry with God for taking him before my very eyes without letting us say goodbye or tell him we loved him. These last 3 months we still cry (it hits us out of nowhere) but the holy spirit has had wonderful healing powers. Peace and Hope have set in and I have been assured he is in heaven, and that I will see him again some day. He is in a beter place, free from any pain or sorrow. While hard it was at the time he did not suffer, he passed away at home with us here- the ones he loved – we were his life. He was in his 40′s which is indeed untimely, but many pass away younger than that and I had 22 years with this man and our daughter had 9. It has taught me I am not in control- none of us are. No one is promised tommorow so we must make the most of every day we have here on Earth. Steven is not sad or hurting, I have to remind myslef of that often. He knows we loved him with all of our heart and God knows that too. I really have two choices, to become bitter and angry and wallow in self pity, or to take what has happened to me and try to help others deal with grief. So you see I have become much more compassionate to others, my priorities in life are to always let my family and friends know that I love them, and more than anything, thank God for being patient with me and carrying me through this period of my life when I did not want to live. I now want to live, I want to go one for the sake of his young child, I want to help others get through that horible time and space that follows the profound loss of your best friend, your soulmate, the father of your children…the love of my life. For those of you who are new to loss, or on a different time table of healing, there is hope and peace that will come. You will never be the same for a part of you died along with your loved one, but once you realize this and try and re-discover what is left and what positive has happened from within because of your loss, you will heal a little bit at a time and find a little more joy in each day. God Bless the new Visitors and the Old on this site because sharing experiences and feelings are essential to the healing process. This site has helped me and I am certain it will help others. ♥ So Thanks to Corinne ♥
As always, Denise eloquently expressed many of my thoughts and feelings. A few months after my Don died, my son sent me the following message. I thought some of you may appreciate it, too:
“I see when two people come together and start to interact is like taking two plants being planted in the same pot, side by side. There are a few things that can happen:
1) The two plants interact in harmony and their roots grow and flourish in balance throughout the soil. In doing this, their roots intermingle and intertwine and they become two living beings, separate to the whole world above, but living together as one below the surface where the life emanates from.
2) The two plants don’t interact, but live in harmony. Their roots grow and thrive as much as they can throughout the soil, but stay discretely to their respective sides. Both grow and live well, but they don’t flourish. Because of their lack of interaction, they don’t get to enrich their lives to the fullest by using all the soil. To the outside world they are two separate plants, and they are separate below the soil, too, but interacting without conflict.
3) The two plants interact, but one is more assertive and open in sharing it’s roots… the other keeps most of it’s roots to itself. The one sharing all its roots is actually clinging to the other plant. They live in harmony, but it’s not balanced and one is sharing way more than the other. To the outside world they are two plants, and both are healthy and doing well; the outside world can’t see the interaction below, but apparently it works for both plants, for they are both thriving and healthy.
4) The two plants interact, but one is dominant in sharing it’s roots… in fact, it’s not ‘sharing’ its roots, it’s imposing it’s roots on the other one… dominating the other one. The other one tolerates the domination and survives, but doesn’t thrive. The dominant plant takes a lot of the nutrients from the other one. To the outside world they are two separate plants, but one is clearly stronger and the other is weaker and looks wilted; the roots can not be seen from the outside world, but it’s pretty clear one plant is dominating and sucking life from the other plant.
5) The two plants interact, and they both fight for soil and nutrients… they don’t interact well, rather they fight each other. They compete… there is chaos, turmoil, and eventually they either need to be separated, or they find a common ground to live peacefully together, or one concedes and lets the other dominate, or one destroys the other one, or they both fight and tear each other apart.
I could keep going with ‘examples’ of how two plants can come together and how their interaction can be. In any case, the setting is the same in that to the outside world the plants appear to be separate individuals just aligned and matched by proximity. What the outside world doesn’t see is what is below… the roots… the heart strings… the attachments we have emotionally and spiritually in our lives. The outside world can’t see these ‘roots’, but the interaction of the roots shows up on the portion that the outside world can see, and it shows up in the health of each plant/person.
Another thing to take from the metaphor is what happens to each plant when the other plant ‘leaves’… no matter how it ‘leaves’ (is removed, leaves on it’s own, or dies), how it affects the other plant/person is dependent on the roots structure. For example, in case #2, there are no deeper ties below the surface of these two plants/people, and if one leaves, the other just keeps on going… we’ve all seen couples like this. In case #3, what happens depends on what plant leaves. If the plant that is sharing all it’s roots leaves, the other plant will keep going, since it’s retained and kept most of it’s roots. If the one that kept all it’s roots leaves, then it takes nearly all the roots of the plant that shares with it, for you can not separate intertwined roots that grow together… and if it takes all the other’s roots, it will wilt and be severely damaged. That’s an unbalanced relationship, and one will suffer greater than the other upon separation.
I see your and Dad’s relationship as case #1… you two were equal and mutual in all that you did. You shared your roots in all of each other’s lives, and no matter who ‘leaves’, you will each lose a TON of your roots in the process. Losing those roots are clearly losing a part of yourself… a part you gave to the other person. Even if you don’t want to lose those roots, you don’t have a choice. They will be ripped away when the other plant/person leaves… it will be painful, agonizing, and it will have a strong negative impact on the whole plant/person.
There is no getting around it, but with love and nurturing from above and from other plants whose roots yours are intertwined with, you will heal and begin to grow again. You will never be the same, and those roots you lost will never grow back the same, for they were specific to what you shared with Dad, but they will heal. You will always carry a scar in you with Dad’s passing, but it’s a beautiful scar, meaning it’s a scar that reminds you that you had something wonderful in life that allowed your roots to grow that way. You’ll always be sad those roots are now missing, but you will always be grateful they had a chance to grow in the first place. It’s a mixed bag… you can’t have one without the other. The key is that you two were super strong together, and you were strong as individuals. When Dad left, he took a TON of your roots with you, but you still have a ton of roots left. Losing all those roots is going to really impact you and it will take time to recover from that… and you won’t be the same, but you will be you, and you will be strong, and you will heal and continue to grow. We love you and we will nurture you will our roots and carry you through this time, but it’s something everyone will need to go through (if they are lucky enough to be able to find someone who they can flourish in life with, like you did with Dad).”
Thanks for the info and support. I am gonna enjoy the trip to Nags Head. I want to take my new portable dvd player and play dvd’s out on the balcony with the ocean as my backdrop. I am so excited about going but still miss Mike. Hope everyone is doing well…
Jeanine, your son is an angel. How lucky are you??????? To communicate to you as he has, and to have such thought and care around you, means you will heal faster than you think. I am not so sure a part of us dies with our partner. I think our partner gives us new life and new options to explore although it is hard to digest. Did I ever think I would be chatting to grieving widows online. Never. But what lovely bunch of ladies I am meeting. Real and dignified. I work and have lived for 13 years in a money hungry city (Hong Kong) and while there are real and dignified people there, they are hit and miss. I have found a safe place that some of them (trapped in bad marriages, forced to save face, gripped by different pains, or just disappointed by life) will never know.
I met a woman who went through the exact same thing as me today. She sought me out through a friend. She is 14 months ahead of me with kids who do remember their dad and she is finding happiness.
Circumstances can make a huge difference but we can all indulge in the pain and angst or use the energy in other ways. We do have choices. I wallow. I cry and I know I have so much to deal with, but we must believe in the unknown. I never thought I would meet someone as beautiful as my Steve, so I have to believe life has more surprises for me, and of course for you all.
Thanks for keeping me coming back for more. xx Kate
I think Mike would be surprised and pleased at how well I am handling things since he’s passed. I had told him that if he died I would never be able to go to eat a places we used to eat at like Shoneys or Dennys or buy clothes again because I would have no one to dress cute for. I would only go to the drs, church, getting groceries and seeing my friend who is a singer. He said you don’t know what you will do. Boy was he right. I still eat out at those places with friends, go to events and still buy clothes. I’ve seen some clothes I’d like to have but will never buy them cuz they are stuff I’d want only if Mike were here to see me in it. Wearing that cute a stuff is only for Mike. I’ll have my moms laptop with me when we go to Nags Head. I will be able to keep up with things on here. Can’t live without my internet. I still don’t fully believe he is gone. Never will. I love him so…
I am lonely
You are right, Kate…….. I am blessed by my son, and in many other ways. Today I received a great email with a Power Point presentation entitled “voted the best email.” I tried to copy the link and paste it here, so you all could benefit from it, but it doesn’t look right. If it doesn’t come through, I hope someone forwards the email to you……. it really points out how important it is to focus on our blessings, not our losses.
VOTEDTHEB…pps (1305.5 KB)
We are here for you. Hang in there. I get lonely too at times cuz my Mike is gone…
I am so lonely too Renae. Denise hit it right on–she could have wrote my story–I remember the look in his eyes when I was on the phone with the 911 operator. It was a panic, help me! look. That is something I will NEVER forget. Only he was in between coaching hockey games. His passion was developing youth hockey players and the other coach had to go into the locker room after the second game and tell his boys (4th and 5th graders) about all of this. Those kids are like 15 more sons to me. They served as honorary pallbearers for him.
Unfortunately I can’t read it Jeanine and when I re-read my email I wondered if I sounded to abrupt and punchy but all I wanted to say was what a beautiful son you have to write such deep and amazing stuff. He’s a gem.
My baby girl is about to turn one y/o in two weeks. Sometimes I want to speed up the growth process in the hope she’ll look identical to my husband. How cruel am I to put that onus on her. Today, we met up with my husband’s 12 y/o daughter from his first marriage. I could barely stop looking at her, or keep my hands off her because she seemed like a tangible piece of her father. I stared and stared for clues and signs of him. He would be so proud of her and she is so strong and grown up. It broke my heart to see another person holding that secret desire to see him again, hold him again and show off to him again.
She and I now have an unspoken bond and I can see that at times we will find it too hard to be together but I pray to God we can share the pain and love for him. Teenagers can change so much. As for Steve’s and my daughter, how can I explain his touch, his soft centre, his passion for her. How will she ever know what it’s like to have a dad. She’ll have many male role models, both my brothers included, but how can I ensure she’s balanced and secure. She has a lot to carry around but she doesn’t know yet.
Everyone dies, everyone grieves, mourns, misses, feels loss, I know. I just need to keep reminding myself that I would feel worse if Steve told me he no longer loved me and had fallen in love with someone else. At least I know he left loving us, needing us and happy with us.
To those of you who feel really lonely, can you try hard to feel that your husband is guiding you all the way through every day? It helps me a lot anyway to assume Steve is by my side. Laughing a lot too!
Night night, Kate x
Kate and all,
I’m sorry the link to the Power Point presentation didn’t come through… it is an exceptionally good presentation. I hope all of you get a chance to see it some day.
You didn’t sound abrupt or punchy at all, Kate. I really appreciate the kind words you wrote about my son.
I, too, now have a special bond with my daughter because of our shared grief. She and I often talk about how much we miss Don, and how wonderful he was. My son is so much like his dad in many ways, including how he doesn’t talk much about his deeply-felt emotions. Instead, he takes action to try to ‘fix things.’ I can tell that he has a sense that he is now ‘the man of the family’ and has stepped into that role beautifully. However, if I need to talk about Don and how much I miss him, I turn to my daughter rather than my son. I am indeed blessed to have them both.
Well I have just had a fight with my brother about my husband’s company. My brother has called me a prima dona, “it’s all about you” and various other things. He does not agree with my plans to get involved in my husband’s company so he has stepped back for several weeks now. He dropped over to catch up. All I wanted to tell him was how hard yesterday was, seeing my husband’s daughter but of course the conversation went to the business side of things. I feel so much pressure inside. No one can possibly understand the emotions which are attached to every decision I have to make every day now. Nothing is as pure and simple as it was. Would Steve want this, would Steve want that, should I do it for Steve, will I let Steve down. I know life is about me and our daughter and us being comfortable but I just want space to not have to make any major decisions and at the moment I need soon to decide: my career, my hometown, my home. Could there be any more balls in the air when grieving a loved one!!!
Jeanine I do hope I ahve that relationship with Steve’s kids. I truly hope they’ll stay in my life to laugh about their beautiful dad.
I just got an email from my husband’s daughter. It is the third time we have been in contact since this time last year when we went through some of her dad’s things (a few months after he died.) This was the first time she contacted me first, other times I was the one reaching out to her. It feels so good that she still cares about me. She was my husband’s only child and when I look at her hands I see his hands. Her sense of style is so his. I need that biological tie to Bill. So, I hope that everyone here is able to keep the ties with our husband’s family members who may bring us some comfort.
We do. I go out to eat with Mike’s cousin and her family to celebrate birthdays etc. I plan to go with them to that reunion in KY this yr that Mike & I always went to. In fact later today I am going to meet them to eat out along with some friend for a friends bd. I’m bringing my dad with me cuz my mom needs me to watch him cuz she is going for the day with some church ladies to visit a lady who used to go to our church but moved to NC. Should be fun but I know I will be missing Mike…
my husband was given 6 months to live…. i have 3 kids the youngest one 9 yrs. it has been 3 years since my husband has passed and im am just as sad today as i was 3 yrs ago
Teresa that’s very enlightening. I wish for that. When I saw my husband’s daughter, aged 12, she ran to me for a long hug, in front of her own mother. I know she sees me as a connection to her dad given Steve and I lived in another city. I know she loves me but teenagers are teenagers and soon she may turn, her brother too, into someone who needs me less. I can only hope our daughter, their step sister, will keep them close and their mother will encourage it. The other day I followed his daughter’s every move. I watched for signs of her father, I honestly looked for his head on her shoulders, he would have been so proud of her – strong, as competitive as ever, tall like him, growing in to a woman, not the little girl we knew. How could he not be here to nurture her? Has he left me that role too? Can he see us all, is he wishing he was with us or just happy we are all together? Is he plotting our futures? Doesn’t he know how much we all ache? I am trying to avoid being angry. I am hoping I will find peace with this situation but I will never understand why we are put through these tests. It took me so long to find Steve and I really don’t think I took him for granted. I used all my energy to make him a happy man, so why? Tonight we celebrated my mothers 70th in a wonderful restaurant. Underneath all our happy faces was a pain none of us know how to deal with. Why do my family need this? I feel like I am putting them through too much, ageing them. To put them at ease I am the one making an extra effort, I am the one brushing off caring remarks, keeping it all together. I find it amazing that in grief we are the ones helping everyone else feel better. We are the ones helping others find a lighter side to it all. Steve would always want me to be light hearted, he would always want me to be pain free and his number one priority was me, so why would such a wonderful, caring guy be taken? Why would his family be dragged through this? I think I need a fix of his priests who have brought me calm after various discussions so far. I am not wanting to be selfish but this was not a club I wanted to be a member of. I will find a way, I know that, but who thought I belonged in this space? I am sure you all feel the same way, it just helps to thrash it about, throw it out there, now before I go to sleep. We had some much living to do together. He was only 40 y/o. I would give anything for one more hour with him to tell him just how much I genuinely loved his soul and his intentions and how important he was to this world and so many people in it.
Sweet dreams my new friends. x Kate
i just called my husband’s mobile and heard his very destinct and beautiful voice. i have cried and cried. i know i have video but it’s another sad link. i have grief counselling on monday. feel i should make sure i hook in now so i don’t make any major mistakes or avoid set-backs and also get some help making major decisions that need to be made, despite everyone telling me to take it slowly. i really do have to stop staring at our daughter and steve’s other kids for signs of him in their faces!! missing my husband like crazy today. x
I miss my husbands voice also; but in some ways I am glad that I don’t have any voice mails to listen to. I think that would send me over the edge. I have been missing him a lot the last few days also. I have had another curve ball thrown at me in the last week. My crazed daughter-in-law left my son with his 2 and 3-1/2 yr old boys last Friday. Then he was served with Domestic Violence papers on Wednesday and is not aloud to see the kids. The hearing is this coming Thursday. He has never touched her! She has been awful through my husbands illness and death never once showing any concern or condolences. I believe she is doing this as we used to help them out financially quite a bit and now that he is gone – the money ends. She is such a bad mother – doesn’t bath them or interact with them. My son would come to our house so often to have someone to talk to and take the kids out as she refused to do anything with them. I used to feed them three days a week so they would have a good meal. The divorce is going to be nasty; so now I am afraid of loosing my grandkids on top of my husband. They were keeping me going. How can life be so unfair. Why is God so cruel to people who are God fearing and do good by others? These questions have been haunting me lately. Sorry to ramble.
God bless.
I woke today to learn my nephew passed away yesterday at Age 39- we are not sure of why – but like my husband it happened in his sleep and they found him yesterday morning. So now Stevens family and I must endure another tragic loss. I know how you feel Karen and others- how much more can a family take? One day it will all be revealed to us. I admit Gods plan is very hard for us to understand (and it does not match ours) and it is OK to be angry and hurt… God will listen. As hard as it may seem we all need to try and focus on our Blessings- we all have them even though it may not seem like it at times. I am surrounded by people who lift me up in prayer, people with such strong faith who that feel those who have passed before us have “beat us to the finish line” of everlasting life- the almighty reward of heavenly bliss. A place where there is not sadness, anger, dissappointment, pain, addictions, afflictions or sorrow. I wish you all Peace, Love and comfort as we endure our presence and the Earthly tests of Faith. God knows the entire person inside and out- he will be there for you and is always by your side. All you need to do is ask for help and he will give you strength. God Bless Everyone!
Twitter: miraclady
May 15, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Dear ones -
I read every one of your posts and I am so proud of all of you.
You are brave and helping each other. You are my inspiration.
So sad, Denise, to hear of another loss in your family. Why does it have to be so hard?
I think of you all every day and bless you.
Just popping in to send love and healing.
Love,
Corinne
Oh Denise, I am so very sorry. I really admire your faith as mine has certainly been shaken.
A couple of days ago my brother-in-law called to see how I was doing. I have been incredibly sad lately and really missing my husband. He said I needed to surround myself with positive people this weekend. I know he means well, but people just don’t get it. I do have positive, loving people in my life, but they are not my husband! I have children who love me, parents who love me, brothers & sisters who love me and their spouses who love me. I have many nieces & nephews who love me. All these people in my life are positive influences and check in to visit with me regularly. However, they cannot love me like my husband loved me–with an unconditional, deep love only soulmates can feel. So, as nice as it is to have all these caring people in my life, they are not him and no one can be him. Does anyone feel like this?
Dear Lori, I too have just lost my soulmate. I don’t say I understand exactly how another person feels when their soulmate isn’t there any more, but I am still a mess after my darling husband passed away in his sleep six months ago. He was my second husband and I had never felt so loved at any time in my life until the day I met him and from that moment onwards we never wanted to be apart from each other, it felt as if we had known each other forever. I also have had positive loving family and friends but nobody knows the ache, the struggle just to smile or take an interest in everyday things, I’m just not into in any of life’s dramas anymore, they’re insignificant compared with the loss of my beloved husband, lover and friend. I try to give myself seven ordinary things to do each day and if I do them, good, if not, at least I am walking through the world and that is all I am capable of at this time. Giving myself something to look forward to is helping, as long as it isn’t too stressful, I find I can not put myself into a position where I will be stressed, my body won’t handle it anymore. I need to take care of myself just to get through the day.
I don’t know what it is that I have to do just yet, but I know that my husband would want me to be the best that I can be for now. All my best wishes and sisterly love go to you right now.
Denise and Karen, your loads are growing day by day. I am so sorry. Seems like we all just become professionals at being strong, coping and transferring our skills to others. maybe that’s what it’s about. Neither of you need more pain now (or ever) but all I can say is that the people who have best supported me are those who have been through tragedies themselves. Seems like a lot of people will be looking to us all for support in the future and your time is nigh. Karen, your son will win. Sadly you need patience but those grandchildren could be closer in the future than you thin k, maybe under your roof! You are right about not having the choice to listen to your husband’s voice too. We have video as well and I just chose now to leave it be. The kids will all need it in the future. Denise, you are amazing. But you don’t want to hear that now either, I bet. Who wants a medal hey?? Not for this stuff anyway. 39 is far too young. Like my husband. I too benefited from my husband’s family’s faith. They have given me a lot of comfort in the one month since my husband died. Even by day three my husband’s priest said things that brought a great sense of calm over me. The shock of a sudden death has a physiological effect like no other I think. May his family and you find some peace and calm. You know many of us completely understand what you are going through. I wish I had known at the time that so many of you were out there. Lucky for me I found you all soon after. With love, Kate
Yes Lori, I do too. I broke down today with Steve’s family when they took me out for dinner and told me how much they wanted to look after me. It was so beautiful but I didn’t want to be in this position. I have always been happy to help others in need. There was a key person missing from the table tonight, my husband!! I don’t want to feel sorry for myself but i can’t believe I have to bring up our daughter on my own. I can’t believe she won’t have a dad, despite all the amazing father figures she’ll have in her life. All my family and friends want to be able to help take the pain away but only time will, or so I am told. I am not sure if it helps but I am reading a book by the spiritual teacher J Krishnamurti “Freedom from the Known”. Some of it is sinking in, as deep as it is. Has anyone connected with their loved one via a medium? I have been told of a very accurate one but am scared to try it so soon. xx
Kate,
I lost mu husband on March 26 2010 from a BMT that was supposed to be routine. I am so sad that he cant see his 2 children grow up they are 9 and 12. The pain was so bad that I felt it in my bones down deep into my soul. I saw a medium today and she told me some very sepcific things and some general things but I came away feeling that my husband is safe. She also told me that I would meet someone new far in the future and my husabnd would have a hand in this. This thought is alien to me. Try a medium. I am thinking positive thoughts for you. x
Thanks Suzy, I did speak with a medium this week. It was very interesting. Most of it was specific. If I am to believe it then I should feel Steve is in a safe place too and still had a sense of humor and few regrets which is lovely. But how do we believe anything we can’t see, hear, touch. I took our daughter to a doctor today and mentioned our recent tragedy and she told me she had never seen anyone so stoic but my take on it is that the news comes as such a shock to strangers but for the past 6 weeks I have been dealing with it, the practical side, the pain, the decisions, the processing, so once again you try to convince people you are hurting but putting on a brave face and helping them come to terms with the story. It’s such an odd position. Some described it to me as having an invisible disability. I know a woman who met a new man 14 months after her husband died suddenly. The most difficult part for her was making comparisons. If any new man in your life won’t keep your husband’s name and spirit alive then he’s not worth it. Plenty of men lose their wives and partners and many would be understanding of the situation. But it’s such a personal issue. I know my husband would want me to be happy but I want to grieve hard before I even begin to open my eyes and heart. xx
Hi Kate, I feel exactly the same way–WHY do these kids have to grow up without a dad?? I can take my lumps if that is what the big plan is for me, but why do they have to? I have connected with my husband through a medium twice. She said some very specific things that only he or I would know so I felt it was very real. It was actually comforting in a way, but made me a bit more sad in a way. I know that’s not for everyone.
Love and Peace to you all. I’m sending out some strength to all my lovely ladies who are always there for me, to help you get through yet more difficult times.
How does it go? Oh Yes, “Life Sucks!”
I got a good understanding of how much people care about me, and want to be there for me in my hours of need.
I’m just back from a fun run (6miles in 1 hour 30 minutes, good for me) to raise money for the charity affiliated with what killed my husband. Hard times this week on the run up, crying every night, wanting to pull out, wanting all the pain to go away, wanting someone to pick up the phone and call me or pop around and see how I’m doing. What did I get. NOTHING!
that’s right ladies, when I crossed the finish line, no-one there to greet me and tell me how well I’ve done, except for strangers. It’s Sunday here and most of my friends and family are free, but not one of them thought it would be nice to come and meet me at the finish line.
I dont want to do this fecking journey alone, but the past few months has shown me that, that is the way it’s going to be. I know I’m really not alone, as I have all of you to help me through it. I just never thought I’d find out who my friends were let alone family, when I really need them, they don’t seem to be around.
Stay strong, much love to you all.
Normaxxx
We all are on a similar journey, yet are so different in many ways. Every time I read a new posting my heart aches for you young ones who have lost your partners in life far too early, especially those of you still raising children. As much as I agonize over the ‘premature’ death of my fantastic man at age 63, I also give profuse thanks to God for our 43 years together and the two children we raised together.
I’m made aware of the different ways people cope with loss when I see those who seem to be able to pull their lives together so quickly. In a little over five weeks it will be two years since my husband went to be with our Lord, and I’m often still struggling. This afternoon four relatives left after being with me for two pleasantly busy days, and I am thrown back to reeling at the feeling of loss, grieving for that man who was always by my side at family gatherings, loved me, and was here for me no matter what happened. Like Lori wrote… many people just ‘don’t get it.’ My longing isn’t for companionship or friendship in general…. it is for that one special man…. my husband… my partner for 43 years.
As Denise wrote: “All you need to do is ask for help and He will give you strength.” That’s what I do at times like this…. go to Him for His strength and balance… it is how I survive.
Thanks to all who read this…… it helps a lot to express these thoughts and feelings!
Ah Jeanie, your faith as always is inspirational. You know how I feel about that, but it gives me strength to know you are true to your believes.
I think I’ll miss Martin till the day I die, even if I’m lucky enough to have another chance at happiness, I’ll forever love and miss my Man. It’s very lonely when your soul mate leaves. Some are lucky to have kids to help them stay busy, whilst others aren’t and not getting any younger, so likely to never have.
I thank you all for being here. I think otherwise I’d have no where and no one to help me through the most difficult times.
Much love.
Normaxxx
Thanks Suzy, I think I will try a medium. It might make me sad but it might bring comfort as well. I have found one in the US but hopefully I can do it over the phone from Australia. Have just been told about another friend from y past who died on the weekend, leaving his wife with a child and one on the way. It’s just cruel. I don’t know his wife but my prayers go out to her. I am not that superstitious in my 40s but I do think 2010 has been a pretty shocking year so far. My daughter turns one on Saturday. I just can’t believe our beautiful little miracle won’t have her adoring father there to celebrate with her. I know I will survive all this but it still makes me question so much more. I never sweated much of the small stuff but now I won’t sweat any of it! Night, Kate
Denise, I’m wondering if you are ok having to go through another family passing so soon. Love, Lori
Hi Lori
The services yesterday were very hard-From the wake to the cemetery to the church. Pictures of Steven and Geoff celebrating their B’days together made me cry Geoffs was July 2nd (Passed age 39) and Steves was July 4th (Passed age 49) just months apart. When I saw the pictures of them together I cried thinking they are both gone now (but together in heaven). It just does not seem real such sorrow. Steve was mentioned in the memorial that they are together now… so in some ways it was comforting-but yet so very sad to think life on earth is so short. My 10 year old was again the pillar of strength knowing in her heart her Dad now has company from Geoff because she knew the closeness that was re-confirmed by the pictures. Thank you for checking in on me- We made it through and are OK- that was my goal to just make it through the day. God Bless!!
I have been reading your posts for the last couple of hours, and it all has been really informative and nicely written. I did want to let you understand that for some reason this post doesn’t seem to function in Internet Explorer. On a side note, I was wondering should you wanted to swap blogroll links? I hope to hear from you soon!
I lost my husband yesterday morning; he had been ill and left paralyzed for the past 5 years. In the past few weeks he bagan to get confused with only some lucid moments, but regardless of his state of mind the one constant was that he had had enough and wanted to die. I sat with him at the nursing home all night, holding his hand, talking to him and trying to make out the few mumbles he was able to maqke. His breathing was rattling and he was in and out of conciousness. At 5:30 am the nurse checked on us and his breathing pattern was changing; I asked if she would mind leaving us for a bit which she did.By 5:45 he had found his peace and my hell began in earnest.
I locked the door to his room so I knew we had privacy, I lay beside him for a few moments and then proceeded to shave him (he hated not being clean shaven). cleaned his teeth and mouth, washed him and put a fresh gwon on him. Only then did I call our son (38) and daughter(42) to come — they had been there all the evening and I had finally sent them home around 2 or 3. It maybe sounds horrible, but I thought it might be easier for Dave if the kids weren’t there. I then tidied his room and rang for the nurse to let her know it was over.
Twitter: miraclady
May 23, 2010 at 2:54 am
Dear Gina -
Such a brave and beautifully written testimonial, not only to your husband – but especially to you.
All of us have our stories. All sad. But yours, written so soon after your husband’s death is especially poignant.
May angels surround you and comfort you.
Everyone’s prayers are with you.
Love,
Corinne
So sorry to hear about your hubby. May God be with you at this time. Prayers just said for ya. I lost my darling Mike in March of 2009 and I am still no better.
Made it to the beach at Nags Head okay. I miss Mike so much. He would go places with me down here and we had so much fun. My folks all they can do at their age is eat out and my mom can hit a store or 2. So they took my car so I can get around down here. I keep having dreams about Mike where he comes back from the dead to stay with me forever but I am upset he’s been dead over a yr and just now they decided to let him come home to me.
It seems as if he were something like Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny. Some mythical character that once existed and exists no more except in my dreams. Living with my folks now since Mike passed, it seems as if I was a teenager again. Blessings and a good day to all…
Bad Day. Well bad end to day. Dropped my husband’s kids back to their mum after having them for the weekend. We had a big ‘resurrection’ service for my darling Steve yesterday, we had a Christening for my nephew today. A lot of Church. All so wholesome and I held so much in all weekend but after dropping them off I just howled at Steve. Why aren’t you here for all this!!!! xx
Gina- I am very sorry for your loss …what a strong woman you are! You were there for your husband when he needed you most and to know you were there by his side at his final moments with such love and devotion is admirable. I lost my husband suddenly at age 49 and had I know he was dying I would have done it all over again. It may not seem like it now, but you were given a gift to be by his side and show such love. The coming days, weeks and months will be hard but like you said he is at Peace now. Be kind and gentle to yourself and may God Bless you at this time of loss. My prayers are with you and your family.
Gina,
What a beautiful memory you will have–treasure that. Please know you have a group of friends here to listen and hold you up. I lost my husband very suddenly to a heart attack at 52 last Dec. It has been only 5 months. As Denise stated, it does not seem like it now but you were given a gift. The next fews weeks you may feel like you are in autopilot. Take care of you.
My husband died 19 days ago after 47 years of a solid good marriage.
We had a beautiful wonderful service for him and I was strong for all the hundreds of people who came to the viewing and funeral. The next week I even had some couples over because I was so concerned about how upset they were. When they saw how “strong” I was they felt better.
We had closure because we had the last night to talk about everything and it was wonderful. He was in the hospital for 11 days and he died from previous lung problems. I was lucky because his death was neither sudden or long and drawn-out.
The problem is now reality has set in and I have realized how he’s really gone. So all I do is cry no matter where I am or who I’m with at the time. We were together all the time and I can’t imagine life without him.
I guess I need help from others that have gone on with their life.
Jan, 47 years is a long time. I am so so sorry for you. I had less than 4 years with my husband and it feels like a lifetime. He died at 40y/o suddenly and I am on day 42 – some days have been easier than others but one thing is for sure, the crying helps. In eras gone by and in some religions today, the women wail over a dead body for several days non-stop. Then they collapse into deep sleeps from exhaustion. We on the other hand cry intermittently and turn to tablets to help us sleep/switch off. I hope you can move on. I hope I can move on. I believe I will but i will always take Steve with me, where he should be. My bereavement counsellor has told me to do just that… grow with him. Steve will be in my life and in my daughter’s, just in a different way.
Gina – you had such clarity in your husband’s final moments and soon after. What a lucky man in so many ways. Well I think so anyway. My husband died alone in intensive care. I left him in a stable condition to race home to our baby for an hour. We had no idea or indication he would die. Some say that he may have waited on purpose for me to leave but that’s minor comfort. I know he would not have wanted me to see him in pain, but part of me wishes that, despite a beautiful kiss before a left and saying “I love you” to each other, i had held his hand.
My husband waited until I left the floor for the first time that day and died during transport from the floor to palliative. His heart and blood were perfect when they began the two minute walk down the hallway. He was gone when they moved him into the palliative care bed. The nurses couldn’t explain it. They had told me all day that he could turn around at any minute.
I am so sorry to hear about your gubby. I don’ thinnk I wll ever move on. I know I will never marry again. I have handled it better than I ever thought I would. Hang in there, we’re her for you. I am still in shock and can’t totally believe Mike is gone. It so sad that his last words to me were Yeah do the Heimlich Maneuver…
Hi Jan, how are you doing. Is day 24 the same as day 19 or has there been a shift. I feel days are changing now. Some bad, some good. But none are the same. I really hope you have some optimism and hope. x Kate
Hi my name is Micki, my husband Garry passed away March 22nd, 2010. He was sick for two years when he died. He had gone into the hospital to regulate his blood sugar and died the next day. His family obtained a federal injunction to take his body from me. We have two daughters 9 and 14. He was 53 when he died and I was 39. We were common-law and were to be married this summer. I had put off the wedding last summer because I didn’t think protecting me from his family was a reason to get married. His sister. my age stalked me on facebook and contacted the father of one of my older daughters. Garry had told his family to leave us alone and the stress was too much on him. His family tried to throw me out of our house, among other things. It’s only been months but I still can’t help the void I feel without him. I taped a picture of him on his side of the bed’s headboard. My friends and family are well meaning and all excellant supports but they just don’t replace him. Some days I hate him for leaving me. Some days I just wish he was here.
Micki, shame on your husbands family.
Keep your chin up sweetie, take things at your own pace, and do what you feel is right and makes you feel better. Pictures on the headboard are nothing are they? At least if you wake in the middle of the night, you know he’s there.
Much love to all you wonderful ladies. 3 weeks till I move to my Dad’s, looking forward to it, yet afraid, but that’s the fun of the journey. I’ve booked my appartment for Valencia in November, what an exciting day that was. I’ve never been out of the country since I was 13, so this is another big step in my journey. I also applied for Uni, looking to do an MA in Philosophy. Martin would find that funny, Norma the Thinker or as my hubby would have put it Bubbles the Thinker. He saw me at most times a typical blonde, really just something to tease me about cause I’m not an airhead (well not most of the time).
My strength goes out to you all, as I know you are all with me. Its been a year since Martin was given the diagnosis. And I thought this day would be hard. Thursday was hardests, because my thoughts went to how much my life changed a year ago.
I’m gibbering now, sorry.
Much love, stay strong.
Normaxxx
Norma, keep gibbering. It’s good for us all to read and recognise the feelings and know we are all in this together. I think you are amazing to go and study. I think my husband thought I was more capable than I actually was. I am still looking at taking over my husband’s business but am petrified that I won’t be able to run a small business because I never have done it. I have always worked with big corporate infrastructure around me and now could be working from home should I chose this route. My husband was self motivated. I want to do it but am not sure I can guarantee I will have the energy and drive. People say not to make decisions when grieving and more it’s only 50 days. But I have this yearning to get back in to life. I am still in Australia with my family and daughter and have needed this time to connect with his family, his church and of course have my family around me. But I still feel I have to get back to HK and set-up a life for us there. I am going up with my dad this weekend to look at apartments and see if I can cope with the triggers of our daily life. Apartment living is not ideal but maybe I need the confined space and tight expat community. I really don’t know but I’ll never make progress unless I try. I keep saying that Steve would want me to be happy and creating a good world for our daughter to grow up in. Leaving his family and mine behind will be so tough but I will have them all to stay whenever they want and I will come down to see them. Life s going to be so different without Steve no matter what, and perhaps making more changes will help me. I am not sure I could live imagine going back to the same home, full of the same belongings, memories, reminders and routine. I definitely feel like I need to create a new space for us. Of course it will have reminders and I expect them to throw themselves at me on a daily basis but I don’t know if I need to stare at them all day. Does anyone else feel like that?
I’ve never really understood, why people say, don’t make any decisions whilst grieving. Blimey, you could grieve for years, so should you put your life on hold?
It’s going to be hard Kate. All I can offer is believe in yourself, like your husband believed in you. You will make choices, not always the right ones, but that’s not unique to you. Do what you feel is right, if you think it’s right for you, it usually is.
Much love
Normaxxx
Yes, do gibber on as she said. I am here at the beach with my folks and having fun but missing Mike so much. I was just talking to him and notifications of new messages on here came into my e-mail. Amazing. I love him so much. I am surprised as how well I have handled losing Mike. My mom probably doens’t think so. But I did live despite losing him. Just wish the depression and diabetes wouldn’t make me want to sleep so much…
Hello friends, Was the Memorial Day holiday harder, ok, or the same for anyone? It was harder for me because we had a routine for that day which included visiting the cemetary to pay our respects to the fallen soldiers and our own family/friends who passed. I couldn’t do it this year. I really miss him and put on a good front for people. It was also a weekend full of graduations and I had to attend those without him too. It’s almost like I feel guilty for experiencing things without him. I want him with me like it was…..
We don’t have memorial day in Australia but I can imagine how hard it was Lori. I find the weekends painful. I never thought I would not look forward to Friday but now I do. I feel like we just fill-in time and try to blend in amongst all the happy families and football dads. I know most families have their pain and hardship but it’s easy to get morose and envious when such happiness has been ripped out from underneath you, far too soon. Thanks for your words Norma, you sound like a great woman (or as we say in Australia “a great bird”) with a positive attitude which will get you to a place where you need to be I am sure.
Night all,
Kate xx
This Memorial day weekend was especially hard and I am not sure exactly why? Mostly it was always a long weekend with Steven to Enjoy and now it was lonely. So many flags which remind me of Steven because he was born on the 4th of July and would be 50 this year. The 4th of July will probably be the hardest for me because it was a day all about Steven and I have to break the routine of watching the fireworks in his hometown, surrounded by his family, only this time without him for the first time in 22 years. Also Fathers day approaching and our 20 year Anniversary..such milestones…all without him. Our 10 year old daughter and I had lunch with his Mother who is 82 over Memorial day weekend and she cried saying how she misses him now that 9 months have gone by. She does not understand why he died and really Nor do I. We struggle with him not having any Symptoms other than maybe a little tired, sore throat- you know the stuff we all get from time to time. I can see she is still searching for answers as I have been as well.
So I am thinking to myself, this is not good- I am going backwards again in my journey. Just when I thought things were getting a little better it just hits me out of no where and I get MAD thinking what a cruel way to have someone you love taken away. No warning and no time to say goodbye just looking into the eyes of the one you love as they slip away and if eyes could talk they were syaing “help me” and sounds piercing my inner core and replaying in my mind like it was just yesterday. So I continue to pray that Peace will work its way back into my heart, mind, body and soul. I have to trust the plan God has for me- but that does not mean I like it- I DO NOT. I want him back just like all of you ladies want your husbands/soulmates back. I never knew the pain others feel over loss- I do now and it has a whole new dimesion. I will forever be more compassionate- so I have gained something but oh what a price to pay. Love to Everyone & God Bless.
Oh Denise you always word everything so perfectly to my life. I hate having to change the beneficiary on my life insurance, I hate having to change the person to contact in an emergency on everything, I hate having to change the title to the house to just me, I hate having to change next of kin at the doctor’s office, I just hate it all. I too am not looking forward to June and the 4th of July for all the same reasons–anniversary on the 11th (would have been 26 years), Father’s Day, his birthday on the 29th, and the 4th of July was always a big deal and lots of fun. Some days I feel ok and then there are the days that really punch me in the stomach.
I agree with you, Lori — Denise so eloquently expresses my feelings, too!
Last Friday I arrived home after being on a 7-day cruise to Alaska with my sister. It was my first (and perhaps my only) cruise, and it was a great experience, but I was constantly missing Don. He had great gusto for life, and enjoyed traveling far more than I. Whenever we traveled together I would get more pleasure from his enjoyment than from my own experience, and I sorely missed that on this cruise. And, when I returned home I crashed into deep grief. That happens every time I go away for a few days. It took three days of prayer to regain my balance.
For those of you of faith, I highly recommend the GriefShare organization. Their Internet address is http://www.griefshare.org. They have grief support groups, books, and daily meditations to help you cope. Here is a quote from one of their meditations: “What do you with the whys?” asks Kay Arthur, whose husband committed suicide. She answers, “You have to lay them at the feet of Omniscience and, by faith, leave them there and say, ‘If You want to show me why, God, fine. If not, I’m going to cling to who You are, and what You promise.’ When you’re asking why, and you’re in the dark, and you don’t have any reasons, you are to cling to Him in hope. He is the God of all hope. The thing that you have to understand is you are here for a much larger purpose than you realize.”
To Lori and Others whose loss was recent: Don’t be too quick to remove your husband’s name from bank accounts. I did this too quickly (about eight months after my soul mate passed away) and then, surprise, surprise, eight and a half months down the line, I unexpectedly received a check with his name on it in the mail that I needed to negotiate but since his name had been removed from our joint accounts, the bank gave me quite a hard time cashing it (because of the sizable amount.) So, be warned: Sometimes doing nothing is the best advice!
Oh my! Good to know! That is something I did not remove his name on yet. All the new things we have to learn. Thank you so much Deborah!
Hello all…I’m finding some peace in reading your posts and was wondering if this is a good group for me to tap into. I lost my husband on April 30th from a heart attack. 3 weeks in ICU on life support and he died May 19th. I’m having a difficult time finding a local bereavement group for 48yr old widows. Any suggestions?
Hi Amy, I am so sorry for your very recent loss. You must have had such a tough time with him on life support. Hopefully this group will be helpful. I only “joined” a few weeks after my husband Steve died on April 13. I have found a lot of support from the wonderful women who write on this site. As I once said it’s a VIP club none of us wanted to join but we are in kindred spirits, or at least connected by similar grief and everyone offers an understanding that so many of our family members and friends sadly can’t provide. I am 42. Steve was 40. We have a 1 year old daughter, and Steve had two kids, now 10 and 12 to whom I am very close, albeit in another city. I am not sure if there are any similarities here but I suppose the upshot is that you have lost your beloved husband, so have I and so have all the others. It’s so unfair and brutal. Life takes on a whole new meaning and a new normal needs to be discovered. I am an optimist and hopeful that the universe will throw something beautiful my way in whatever shape or form, but I do know that I will always yearn to see Steve again and just have to find a way to deal with that deep yearning. I truly hope your pain eases faster than you expect and that you are surrounded by hope. If I look back on week one, two and three, I can thankfully say I have made a lot of progress. Back then I could not even drive a car alone, or sleep in a room alone. Now I want to be alone. Not all the time but I do need it. That’s just one example. xx Kate
Amy,
I, too, am sorry that you have a reason to find your way to this group. It’s a great group, though.
My daughter and I went through six weeks of grief support sessions offered through Hospice after her dad (my husband) died, and we both found them helpful. Her group bonded together so well that they still meet once a month for breakfast and have kindly included me in their group, since my group didn’t bond as well.
Another good site for young widows is http://www.widow.ie. It was started by a wonderful young woman in Ireland, and they even allow older widows, like me, to join them.
Amy, you’ve found probably the Carlsberg of sites (probably the best site in the world), or the one that is found quickly on a search. Sorry I don’t mean to be flippent, but you need a bit of humor whatever stage you are at.
Take on board the words of wisdom we all spout, give us your own words back. Take things at your pace, but don’t forget your husband wants you to live a full life, so make the most of each day. Believe in yourself, and find the inner strength that all women have, whether through faith (for those who believe) or through yourself.
Come back and see us.
Much love
Normaxxx
Welcome Amy. The circumstances that brought us all together are unimaginable to anyone who has not experienced this pain and sadness. I find great comfort in my group friends. I can speak my mind and no one judges me. I can cry and no one judges me. Even though we don’t “know” each other–we really do know each other. I am also a 48 year old widow. My husband had a sudden heart attack 5 days before Christmas. We all know the horrible heartache and loneliness you are experiencing.
I am writing after a long time, although all these posts keep me going. I read all posts daily, and saddened when there is a new arrival, but happy because there is strength that can be drawn from all these great ladies. It’s been a year and a half since my beloved husband passed away with no warning at the age of 39. The pain is still intense. But our two kids (son will be 11 on the 27th June and daughter will be 7 on the 28th of August) and two jobs are keeping me busy. Amy, and all other new ladies who’ve found this place, this forum gives great strength. Hang on!!
Love and Peace
Zulaifa
Thank you to all who have responded to me and especially to Jeanine who posted about Griefshare. I contacted them and they actually run the program at my church. Just one of the many things that I did not know my church did. I know this is going to be a long road and feel very thankful to have stumbled onto this great group of people on the internet. You all have made me feel so wonderful and welcomed.
God Bless…I will let you know how Griefshare went…tonight is the first night! ~Amy~
I don’t know if we have Griefshare in FL, but I am attending a Grief program through Hospice this coming Tuesday evening. I will let you know how it goes. It has been two months already since Paul passed suddenly after a valve replacement. People at work say I am doing great; but I hide it well. I miss him terribly and am soooooo lonely at times. I am also going through a tough time as my daughter-in-law walked out on my 30 yr old son and their two beautiful little boys (2 & 3-1/2 year old) He has not had time to grieve for his dad; now this. Kids are struggling as am I as they are in daycare two days a week and with her only during the day as she doesn’t want to take care of them Monday – Wednesday.
They say God doesn’t give you any more than you can handle; but this is ridiculous. He has way too much faith in me at times. I continue to go to work and carry out my days; but they feel so empty I could scream.
Thank you all for letting me vent.
God bless.
Karen,
When my husband passed away in Feb. 2009 I too experienced more loss and wondered if God really thought I could handle all of it at once. My own health was in question with talk of a heart valve replacement and lots of tests and suddenly my job was in shambles. Thankfully, the heart valve is hanging in there and with medication I have not had to have surgery. The job stabilized with a change of location but I was not put out of work. It all worked out. So, feel free to vent but know that it will be ok. The least we can do for each other is listen.
Teresa, I am so sorry that you went through all that. I guess all we can do is take one day at a time and pray that the next day might be a little easier. I, at least, have stopped hyperventilating for the most part; but still need a sleep aid to get a good nights sleep.
I do really appreciate this site!!
If God has a plan for us why do we pray? I now feel like if I pray it falls on deaf ears because the outcome is going to be Thy will be done, not My will be done.
Some days it feels like we are going in slow motion, but the world is still a blur. I find that even if I’m surrounded by people I still feel so very much alone.
Karen keep venting, thankfully we have each other.
Yes, I feel better venting. But I keep wondering when the “lonely” and “empty” feeling will go away. I am surrounded by well-meaning family and friends; BUT, it certainly does not take the place of my husband. No one can understand the loneliness of losing a spouse that you were so close to for 23 years. My sister will make comments, like, what makes you think my life is so perfect. But she just doesn’t get that I don’t have anyone to talk to at night, sleep with or bounce things off of who will not think me silly. It is really hard unless you are at this point in your life.
Beautifully said Karen.
I know how you feel. I was married to my Mike for 23 yrs. I could talk to him about stuff that only he and I would understand like old tv shows and music from the 60′s and 7y0′s. He was the only one who ever got me.
Here at the beach I think Mike sent me a message Thurs. I was out on the balcony taking a nap in a chaise lounge chair. Before napping I talked to Mike and asked him if he heard me up there and could see me to please send me a message. I woke up and when I did I heard someone knocking on the glass sliding door. I thought maybe it was my Dad trying to get my attention to tell me he wanted me to come in. So I went and asked my folks if they knocked on the sliding glass doors. They swore they didn’t. So it had to be Mike. He must be able to see me as well as hear me and was answering me back. It’s good to know that Mike can see me as well as hear me. That gives me some comfort.
Hi Ladies,
No-one knows what we are going through, unless they have experienced it themselves. Empathy is a fantastic talent, being able to feel for the other person. How can your friends and family empathise with you if they have not gone through it themselves.
My sister doesn’t get it. She has periods of depression, missing our mum, trying to get used to living with her husband again. She’s got no idea how depressing lossing your husband can be, how lonely it is to come home to an empty house, when your motivation in life has been taken away….. I’m sorry you all know this.
I get pissed off at her inconsideration and her self centredness, I can go on…..
Maybe those who have faith, must be tested as like JOB. But in reality it’s not God that is testing you, but the Devil. So keep the faith ladies, God knows you have faith and as a test of your faith you must go through these tests that the Devil has come up with. God is just showing you off as defenders of the faith.
Much love
Normaxxx
This is so true. My sister doesn’t get it either. When I tell her my life “sucks” because I am alone and miss Paul so much it hurts, she replies at times, “What makes you think my life is perfect.” I tell her that you have someone to come home to and eat with and talk over your day! It is SO different. I know that she does not have the king of relationship with her husband that I had with Paul. We were true soul mates and did everything together. You have to be walking in “our” shoes to truly know how much it hurts to lose the one you love and share everything with. I hate when people tell me t hat I was lucky to have 23 years. That to me seems like a drop in the bucket. I am only 54 and have a lot of years left!
I try to remain positive and most days I am getting through it; but there are days that it hurts so bad, I question what I am still doing here.
This site is good to vent and I am glad I have others who truly understand to share my feelings with so I don’t seem as if I am crazy.
Lost my husband May 7th, 2010.
My mind is one large room of sadness. Today was a day for me where keeping one foot in front of the other (from a wheelchair) was the challenge of the day. Really hard to maintain everyday responsibilities. Don’t want to deal with any of it, but have to. Keep going over and over and over the events that led to the end of my husband’s life. They truly haunt me. My husband was told he had a “fractured rib” one and a half years ago. It was lung cancer. What signs did I miss? Why didn’t I question the doctor when he kept complaining of that pain in his left side? They switched his diagnosis on Easter Sunday, April 4th, to pneumonia. Understandable….seemed logical. I believed all the doctors, and they were wrong, and now I’m a widow.
I yearn to talk to him and be around him. I would keep track of all the baseball games he loved to watch. I remember him telling me when he was in decline how he hoped he would make it to the end of the season and I said, “Of course, you will!!!! What kind of talk is that?” Can no longer turn on the tv to watch them; it’s just too painful. I look at his empty chair in the kitchen and cry. Been looking on the internet how to deal with all this grief and sorrow. Pretty much, they all say the same thing. The loss of a spouse is one of life’s most traumatic events and the older you are, the more difficult it is. We were married 32 years. All of this consumes me. Sometimes I don’t think I can take another minute of it, and I just breathe. I see other people living their lives laughing, talking and eating, and here I am so lost and depressed. I go through all the motions each day to keep going as best I can. I prepared myself, as best I could, for what was going to happen, but when it does, you feel like you’ve been hit by a train. The aftermath leaves you devastated and bewildered. There’s no other way to describe it. It’s so hard to speak of him in the past tense. It’s just not real.
Marilyn, I just sobbed reading your post. It’s so unfair. With the proper diagnosis you would have at least been able to fight back. I absolutely love the reference of being hit by a train. That is exactly what it feels like.
Norma, your statement about God showing us off as defenders of faith really hit home as I am really, really struggling in that area right now. Thank you for that. Love to all of you.
Lori,
Thank you so much for responding to my message. I’m new to all of this and really don’t know where or who to turn to. I told my daughter I found a website where I could post my feelings and she thought that was a great idea. Your response meant a lot to me. Don’t know the circumstances of your loss, but I’m sure you are feeling the same way I am right now. My husband’s life has ended, but my love for him hasn’t….it never will. I prayed like I never had in my whole life hoping God could intervene and save him. What is so profound to me is that one week before he died he asked me to pray for him, something he never said to me during 32 years of marriage and we had been through some pretty tough times with a quintuple heart bypass in November of 2000 and a triple bypass for abdominal aneurisms in January, 2007. We got through it all and it wasn’t easy. When he asked me to pray for him on April 29th, 2010, I knew then it wasn’t going to be a happy ending. I, too, am having a problem with my prayers. I’m confused as to why we have to witness the agonizing process of death and then suffer the loss and emptiness that follows.. He was in hospice care here at home for less than a week. We hadn’t a clue that this whole thing was lung cancer that had spread throughout until Friday, April 30th. He had one week to live. My mind is my torture chamber. I can’t let it go and relive every last moment I had with him 100 times a day. To make matters more complicated, I’m currently in a wheelchair due to an injury which has left me homebound for the past 18 months. No health insurance and just became eligible for Medicare this past May. My husband died on May 7th and we would have celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary and my birthday on May 12th. Needless to say, my 65th birthday and our 32nd anniversary were beyond what anyone could endure. Father’s Day is just around the corner, June 20th, and I worry how our only child (a daughter) is going to get through that. They were very attached to one another, and he was such a loving, devoted father. This will be her first Father’s Day without him. And it goes on and on. We have to face our first holidays without him. Oh, dear God, where do I find the strength to get through the days ahead? People say, ” God will never give you any more than what you can handle.” Well, he did. Waking up each day knowing you have another day without your best friend, companion, advisor, and security blanket is beyond what words can say. I don’t know what God’s plan is yet for me. I get scared when I think of the past couple of months and what might be ahead. Fear is another factor that can be incorporated into this mix of grief and sorrow. You are not alone, Lori, with how you feel. Maybe there’s a lot to be said about the saying, “Misery loves company.” I wish you and everyone going through this “process” my sincerest empathy. Right now, for me, I can only talk to people who knew and loved my husband and relate to those who are going through this miserable transition of being without someone you got up every day to be with, talk with and care for. Oprah Winfrey once said, “Live each day as if it were your last.” I did that. Just wasn’t prepared for living each day without my beloved husband. Just know, again, I know, now, what people go through with this kind of loss. Take care.
Marilyn,
I so understand what you are feeling! On June 23 it will be two years since I watched my fantastic husband-of-43-years, Don, take his last breath, after fighting pancreatic cancer for over two years. Even though we had over two years to ‘prepare’ ourselves for such a time, neither of us would/could accept that it would happen. We turned ourselves over to our Creator and trusted that He would heal Don. During those two years He gave us periods of time that were ‘almost normal,’ and we wanted to believe Don was being healed. Of course, the medical system and the rest of the world worked against our faith, since pancreatic cancer is nearly always fatal, especially when discovered at Stage 3 and is inoperable.
The scripture you referred to is:
1 Corinthians 10:13
You have been put to no test but such as is common to man: and God is true, who will not let any test come on you which you are not able to undergo; but he will make with the test a way out of it, so that you may be able to go through it.
I had always thought I would automatically die if Don died, or at least go into an unconscious state of some sort ….. and I may have, if God hadn’t provided me the “escape” that the scripture promises. After leaning on God during the two years of Don’s illness, when Don died I automatically turned to God and said, “I can’t do this, Lord. If You want me to live, You have to take over.” And He did….. and still does. I go to Him with that prayer often. My love for Don is as strong as ever, so my longing to be with him never abates. But, God always provides me with an escape from the agony through Himself. He went through the agony of death Himself, thus fully understands what we are going through, and what we need to endure.
He has also given me an ‘eternal perspective.’ He keeps reminding me that this thing we call life is preparing us for eternity with Him. For me that it will include being with Don again….. fully healed.
I hope my story helps you in some way. My prayers are with you, and with all who find their way to this site.
You have many lovely friends on this site Marilyn. I too have found women who all have a common, although painful, understanding and empathy. I have found a handful of people who I meet in person as well and I do find it extremely comforting, especially as we come from similar walks of life.
My husband Steve was/is Greek Orthodox. Me, not so. I appealed to his faith following his sudden death. His priest in Hong Kong, where we live, has brought me a lot of peace, very quickly. His priest in Australia has as well, but also confusion. We have had a service for Steve in HK and three more in Australia, plus a burial service and a subsequent blessing at his grave site. Some friends have expressed concern about the intensity but I think it has all been beneficial because each one has given me the opportunity to grieve openly in places where it is absolutely acceptable.
When I look back on the weeks following Steve’s death (April 13), I realise that I was practically asking the priests to bring Steve back, to confirm his safety and to assure me he was around us and looking after us. I hung on every word they said.
As more weeks have passed I have had to take more control of my own destiny. There really is not one person who can know what I need at any given minute of the day, nor read my mind or say the right things. I have to tell them what I need or avoid friends who are less understanding, at least for now.
I notice now that I literally make a decision to allow the sadness of a situation drag me down, or push the feelings away for the time being. I do prefer it this way. Maybe time helps that process. I could not have done it in the first month. I hope it lasts but who knows. My 1 y/o daughter and I have been living with my parents in Australia until now, just feeling our way. Today I returned from my first weekend in HK (since we flew Steve’s body to Australia) with my father. I went there to see if I could continue to live there. I caught up with close friends under very controlled circumstances and I bumped in to friends as well. They were all sad and caring but I definitely chose to open up to some with my feelings, while with others I edited my emotions. I simply am not prepared to give some people everything. I faced many confronting scenes.. I drove past the dream apartment Steve should have moved in to together a few weeks ago, I drove past the hospital where Steve spent his last night, I saw our old apartment glaring at me from a distance and I was offered the exact table in a restaurant where Steve and I sat and giggled and held hands a week before he died. In most situations I just spoke to myself or Steve with a sense of humor. That’s clearly my coping mechanism. Everyone has their own. But when I got on the flight and the lights went out, with my eye mask on, I turned to water. Every muscle in my body was gripped by an aching sadness. I wept and wept myself to sleep.
I think I will always give myself these private moments, and I know sometimes they will catch me by surprise, but as time passes I feel I am controlling with whom, and when, I will allow myself to go there.
I love my husband with every one of those aching muscles but I am determined to move on, just as a slightly different person. How can I be the same? I have told my friends I will never be the same. They look sad and tell me the old me will come back, almost from their own fear.
But I do believe that moving forward is the only thing I can do for our daughter, for Steve and most importantly for me. That said, I need all the help I can get so thank you for all your help so far lovely ladies, and thank you God and Steve.
Love Kate
God bless you. I know what you mean as my husband passed on 3/26. No one understands and thinks that life goes on as usual. But as usual is not for you any longer. Things (Everything) is so different.
Hang in there and know that this site has been helpful for me also; just to know you (we) are not alone. It is a hard road; but I know I will get through this and someday have a life again.
Jeanine,
It was so nice to see your post when I checked in. I truly believe that I was guided to this site by my late husband because he knows what is going on here right now with me. We once had a discussion, before he was too ill to talk, saying it isn’t the one who passes on that suffers; but the loved ones left behind. How true. I know he would not have wanted me to mourn for him the way I have been. I think about if I had been the one to die instead of him, would he have reacted the same way I have? I think so….maybe not as obvious as my emotions express. I ask myself how would he have handled all of this? He was definitely the “rock” of this family….the stablizing force that kept everything in perspective. He would have handled it better, I think, than I. This is why I “feel” he has guided me to this site.
I received a notice from the Social Security Office about the widow’s benefit and was informed that “our benefits” are now one benefit. I will not receive the larger amount of the two, but will continue receiving mine (much less than my husband’s) with a widow’s benefit of $300/mo. That will reduce the income about $1,000/mo. Another worry to deal with, but what really affected me was the statement “Marriage ended 5/7/10 by death.” Marriage ended. Another dose of reality for me. I am no longer married. I am a widow. What do you do with that? I was and still am so proud to be his wife, but in the eyes of mortgage holders, credit cards, and banks, I’m not. It’s all so surreal. Will I wake up and find this to be a really bad dream? Not this time. I realize everyone posting on this site has gone through the death of their spouse and it seems most friends and relatives just don’t comprehend what we are going through emotionally, financially and spiritually. They truly mean well, but the understanding of this tragedy lies within others that have experienced this particular loss. My best friend asked me today if the death of my mother was equal to my husband’s. I had to think for a moment and said, “This is different.” I was extremely close to my mother and saw her every day until she died. When your husband is no longer with you, everything changes. Everything. Rooms in your home are not the same. I still can’t go into our bedroom or his office right now. The kitchen changes. He’s not there to enjoy the meals you’ve cooked for him. For me, it’s like I was living in a beautiful garden and now it’s barren. How do you replenish all that you’ve lost? Years and years of companionship, trust, stability and knowing someone really cares about YOU. Then, it’s gone. How do you adjust to that vacancy in your life and find happiness again? I told my best friend yesterday…”You went through a terrible divorce and I saw how you suffered. You and your ex-husband decided that you didn’t want to be together any longer. When your husband dies, it’s not a choice either one wanted. A big difference.”
I thank you for your prayers. I will include all of you in mine. I realize I’m not alone and all of us are trying to survive and adjust to a different lifestyle….one without that person who made our lives whole and purposeful…. the one who made sense of it all…the picture complete. Will post again soon and God bless.
Thanks Karen. Jeanine mentioned the widow.ie site and in my hunger I went on it (thanks so much Jeanine) and found this letter. Hopefully you can click on this link and it will get you there directly: http://www.widow.ie/page11.html
I sent it to my friends before I went to HK and most of them thanked me because they said they really don’t know how to behave with me, especially as I can come across as strong and happy. I honestly believe it did make my trip easier and think I might even send it to all my family and friends here as well. Some of them it may feel like I am asking them to “suck eggs” because they already are emotionally mature and supportive, so I told them I thought the letter was a little too dramatic but that I did identify with many things in it. I left it to them to decide. Karen maybe your sister will gain from it too.
One of my dearest friends has been amazing. She has been one of those people who calls daily, would drop in daily if I asked, but can read the moment well. Sometimes I have to tell her to back off with the social ideas but she is resilient and knows that one day I’ll say yes so she keeps up the pressure, which I admire. She has never married despite being stunning to look at and even better on the inside. Last week we were at a funeral for a friend’s father. A guy from my childhood came over to offer his condolences to me and to tell me that his wife died last year. I was so sad but also happy to meet someone who could understand my feelings. Another member of this VIP club. Anyway as it turns out that after I left the wake my best friend was introduced to him and “love is in the air”. Somehow I feel that her incredible support for me in this situation will help lay some solid foundations in that relationship. She will have a lot of the empathy and experience with loss that he needs in his next relationship. I can hardly contain my excitement for them both, even though it is early early days. Plus she met him at a funeral. Oh this thing called life!! Night x
for those that are flagging, I’m sending you strength. Times will be tough, times will be not so tough, but please stay with us, because we are here to help each other. If you believe in a God, then even if you feel like you’ve been abandoned, don’t lose your faith, it will bring you strength in darker times. God wants you to find your own path, God may guide you along the way, but every step you take will be your own.
I am utterly alone. It’s times like this when friends and family show their true colours. My Dad is old school, don’t talk about it anymore. I wish I knew how he was feeling (mum died 4 weeks before Martin for those who have just joined us) and I wonder if he cries when he’s on his own, or thinks about stuff too hard or if he gets depressed. Anyway, I’m moving in with him in less than 2 weeks. I’ve had no offer of help from anyone to come and help me pack, and I’m even having to pay for a couple of lads to help me move. You’d think I was a stranger in a strange land. Still it won’t stop me being who I am and being there for them when they need it. I wrote a little message on facebook entitled “If I said” but as usual not very many people read it.
I don’t want to bore you, but I’ve copied it here. It said a lot at the time I wrote it.
“Do I need to say the things I feel, to everyone who loves me?
Do I need to express my thoughts, and needs, to you all?
Do you know me well enough, are you able to see past the barriers I put up?
Do you listen when I talk or,do you just hear me?
Do you know when I need your help,like I know when you need mine?
Do I have to spell it out, or can you read the signs?
If I said, I miss my mum, I wish she were here
If I said, I miss my man, I wish he were here
If I said, I feel alone, I don’t feel supported
If I said, you could do more.
What would you say?
I may be a bit off with you all
I may be out of sorts
It’s only because I need your Help
But none is coming forth.
I can’t ask you out right
I can’t just tell you how
It’s not me, but I can see
that I’ll have to spell it out.
I’m moving,can you help?
I’m lonely, can you help?
I’m dying inside, can you help?
I cry every day, can you help?
If I said, I want to die, would you listen or would you just hear me?
I need your help, because you are a friend, or you are family. Its been six months past since my Mum died. I miss her, she was very hard work, when she was alive, but she always knew when I needed a cuddle, her help or even an ear, just to listen. I didn’t have to tell her I needed her help, she just knew.
I need your help even more, because it’s nearly six months, since my Martin died. The love of my life, the most inconsiderate man I’ve ever met, but when I really needed him (like now), he was always there for me. He stepped up at the right time and it was one of the reasons I love him so much.
Now I’m moving, my house is a pit, and I’ve yet to arrange a couple of strong men to help me move. I’m moving all the big stuff 18th June (a Friday) and I need help moving the big stuff. Of course maybe you think that because Norma’s Strong, she’s strong enough to move the big stuff on her own, then maybe you’re not the kind of friend I need right now.
So if you can HELP me, let me know, I don’t expect you to do it for nothing, but I get enough helpers, then I’ll still be able to go out that night, who knows maybe pull.”
It was a bit of a poem, and then me actually asking for help, I know, I asked for help, well not directly but it’s a start.
Much love to you all. Strength coming your way.
Normaxxx
Norma, thank you. This poem says “MOUNTAINS.” I understand it completely. Everyone thinks you need to “ask.” How can you ask when you don’t know what you need?? It is a very hard time that most people, not even family can understand. People offer their help and concern until you really need it. Especially, when your loved one first passes – everyone says, “if you need me, just call.” But there aren’t too many that follow through with this. It is a tough time. Thank you for this post. Hang in there~
It has just been just under 3 weeks since my husband died; I keep hearing people tell me how strong I am and how they are amazed how well I am coping. They wonder aloud how I could have returned to work after only 8 days, how I can go to the park or a movie with my grandchildren, and especially how I can sometimes laugh. Today, my coworkers were surprised when they were planning a dinner out next week and asking who would be attending so they could make reservations and I said I would go. I don’t really know what to say about my grief; do I miss my husband? Most certainly; part of me died with him. I sometimes wonder if I am a callous soul or if I am just in denial—how am I going on day to day?
.
My husband and I had the privilege of each other for almost 45 years. I remember being asked on the occasion of our 35th anniversary if I had it to do over again would I get married; my answer was immediate and took no thought, “Only if it was to the same man.” I know he felt the same way, just today my daughter who is going through an ugly divorce from a man who left her for another married woman, said it must be “preferable” at least knowing that my husband’s last words were to tell me yet again how much he loved me than to be left feeling like you have been tossed out with the trash. I suppose she is right to some extent though I am not sure there is anything “preferable” about losing the most important part of your life. I was always first and foremost a wife so now I am not sure who I am.
No one knows that some nights the only way I sleep is to embrace the urn containing his ashes. They don’t know that each morning I tell him I love him and kiss my fingertips and touch them to his earthly remains. I can’t even keep track of the number of times I reach for the phone to call him just to hear his voice. Sometimes I think I am going crazy. There is a part of me that has actually even considered an offer I had to go for coffee or dinner with an acquaintance who is a widower whose wife died a couple of years ago. He thought that our similar situations and experiences could be shared and that it might help; but even though the offer was made strictly in friendship, I was prevented from agreeing due to a sense of betrayal and guilt, you see I still feel married – I haven’t grasped this widow bit.
My situation might be slightly different than that of many of you on this site; Dave was quadriplegic due to an infection in the C5-6 vertebrae that abscessed and cut off the blood supply to his spinal cord. He also had several other medical complications; he spent a year in hospital and then came home with me and I was his caregiver. As his condition deteriorated further he decided that he could no longer stay at home with me providing 24 hour care on my own and he opted (against my protests) to go into a long-term care facility. He spent the last 3 and ½ years in care; so in that time, I have adjusted somewhat to his not being at my side when I go to bed or when I wake in the morning, to cooking for one instead of two, to the hollow sounds of the house and to feeling alone. At first, lots of our friends were there for support; they visited Dave and called me but as so many of you have found we live in a world of couples and so my being alone took on new proportions of loneliness when the phone and doorbell stopped ringing. I suppose I resent that to a degree but I also understand that our situation was one that makes other uncomfortable; people don’t know what to say or do and I think it is also frightening for them as they have to face the ideas of illness and mortality head-on.
My husband once told me that his illness was his own little hell but that it placed me in purgatory I didn’t really understand this until he explained that he knew where he was but I was trapped in purgatory—I was no longer a wife in the sense that we had been and yet I wasn’t a widow either. In the past several years I was informed on 8 separate occasions that I would probably be a widow by the next day and yet it seemed Dave was always able to rally. A couple of weeks prior to his death, he told me he was ready and that he had had enough; it seemed strange in that medically he seemed to be doing better than he had in a months. I suppose looking back on it, I should have known that his time was at hand; he was always a determined man and if he said he was going to do something, you could be sure it would happen.
When did my role really change is my grief and sense of loss different because we were involuntarily separated by his illness for so long? Have I actually attained a level of acceptance that normally wouldn’t happen for a years? I have to some degree gone through that horrible year of firsts—I know what it is to cook Christmas dinner for one, to sip a glass of wine and toast our anniversary alone and to watch our friends slowly fade into the shadows. I have spent years losing touch with other aspects of my life; being a mother, a sister, a grandmother, a friend, etc. in favour of focussing only on being a wife and caregiver. I spent as most of my waking hours when not work either caring for, or visiting with, my husband. Outside of that, I basically did only those things that “had to be done” so now I have to struggle with who I am and how to re-establish other parts of my life. The big question is how do I do that and do I really want to? Much of my time is spent yearning to be with Dave but I know that he would expect more from me. He told me I could be a “weepy wife” when I was on my own but that I had to remember that I was the mother of our children and I needed “to suck it up and be strong for them”.
I guess what I am asking, is how do I start on this journey of discovering me; did I stumble unknowingly onto the path a long time ago or am I avoiding looking down the road? Right now I feel something that I can only describe —I feel selfish and unfaithful that I am able to get up in the morning and go to work, that I can dance with our 3 year old grandchild and that I think that there might be some happiness yet to come. I feel Dave’s presence in all I see and do and yet I move on rather than stopping and letting that presence consume me. Is there a time when one can actually make a decision, pursue and activity, laugh again, reminisce about the good times and not feel badly about it?
Gina,
Read your post and please accept my sincerest condolences. My heart goes out to everyone who is communicating with others here to share their sorrow and love for their departed husband. I know your husband passed a few weeks ago….my dear husband passed on May 7th, 2010. I don’t think you are being selfish at all. You went through a long process with your husband’s illness. You were always first and foremost his wife and now you don’t know who you are. I can truly relate to that statement. Even though you have had a “trial run” of what it is like to be thrust into this abyss of loneliness, it doesn’t change anything as far as the finality of his departure. My wounds are still fresh, but then again, time does not determine how quickly the wounds heal. I’ve decided that time will not dictate when I will be “o.k.” or be given the appropriate amount of time to grieve our loss. I’ve decided that I’m never going to get over this horrible event and I feel better knowing I don’t have the pressure to “get over it” by the standard of others. If you feel all right to go to a movie….go for it. We all handle our sadness and loss differently. After so many years together, we shouldn’t have to feel guilty over what we are doing to cope. I’m new to all of this, as all of us are. If you do something nice for yourself and it makes you feel like you’re going to survive the day or night, God bless you! Right now, I seek solace through communicating with my friends here and my daughter.
I also have my husband’s urn here. Our daughter made a beautiful memorial over our fireplace with pictures of the family over the years, his special hat, a musical gift she had given him many years ago of a clown (he loved clowns) and flameless candles that glow. My son-in-law thought it was a little overdone, but then again, to each his own. This is what our daughter and I wanted for him and he knew we were going to bring him home so he could be with us….that’s what he wanted and that’s what we wanted. We really don’t have to answer to anyone for what we do to get through our new role. I’m not doing well with my newly bestowed title of “widow.” It isn’t what any of us wanted, but here we are. Writing down my thoughts and feelings with others going through life without their hubbies helps me to maintain what sanity I have left. I know one thing….our husbands would have wanted us to stay strong and certainly not go through the grief we are enduring. I’m so glad I found this place to go to and I hope it helps you as much as it is helping me.
Trust me you are in denial. After a yr I am still in denial that Mike passed. I still can’t believe he is gone. Then other times it is like he was just something I dreamed up and never really existed. We’re here for ya and everyone else on here too.
Btw, my cousins church is having the Griefshare on Thursdays so I am going to that. Blessings to all and hope things go well for everyone…
I look forward to reading all the posts from everyone. They are comforting and bring me some peace. Sadly, we are bonding with one another under circumstances none of us ever thought would bring us together. I’ve read a lot of the previous posts and realize now I am not alone on this journey through hell. I feel like I’m on a sinking ship and all of you are my life preservers. I did read the letter on the http://www.widow.ie/page11.html website and found it to be an excellent guide for family and friends to help them help us, never realizing how difficult it must be for them to understand what this is all about. My twin sister, God bless her, just does not know what to say to me or how to act around me. Awkward. She told me yesterday, she doesn’t know what to say, so she doesn’t say anything at all. I read her the letter and I think she had a “lightbulb moment.” I hope so, anyway. The person most aware of my feelings is our daughter. She “gets it.” Of course, she is also going through her own process with losing her dad. They were extremely close, together every day, and we are, fortunately,” on the same page,” holding on to one another during this miserable time.
Posting with my friends here, I realized how difficult it must be to have young children still to raise without your husband, also your children to be without their father. My daughter is 31 years old, married twice, with one grandson from her first marriage. I’m grateful my husband was able to be there for her during childhood and part of her adulthood. She told me today, “I can’t believe I won’t see daddy for the rest of my life here on earth.” We are both thinking about seeing a medium to help us know that he is all right and proud of us, so far, trying to live without him. If any of you have had experience with this, please let me know. Been reading books about the afterlife, one being Talking to Heaven by James Van Praag; another titled One Last Time by John Edward, which I haven’t read as yet. Some of the material has helped me understand the physical and spiritual transition, but nothing relieves the yearning to see and be with him, having those late night conversations about family issues and daily events. At times, I’ve had to pretend that he is on a trip and will soon return, but there are no phone calls to tell me he is o.k. and will be home soon. It’s crazy what you do to get through your days and nights without him. I’ve written a poem that I’d like to share with all of you and I hope it doesn’t bring you any more sadness than what you are feeling now….
Oh, where do I go from here?
My husband’s life’s been lost,
I want to have him back again,
no matter what the cost.
Oh, where do I go from here?
with confusion and despair,
To face my life without him,
is very hard to bear.
I search my soul for answers,
to conflicts I now face,
Can find no satisfaction,
For now, there is no place.
Without him, life is empty,
a desert, no embrace,
To hear the words, “I love you, Mare,”
to see his handsome face,
would mean more than all the treasures,
the world could offer me,
For my husband is my blessing,
to my heart he has the key.
Do you think that he can see me?
I really do not know,
Right now I bask in memories
and love from long ago.
Oh, where do I go from here?
When will darkness turn to light?
I have to keep on going,
and continue with this plight.
Our devotion is eternal,
my heart without regret,
Our marriage was our creation,
love’s foundation forever set.
Will close for now and check in tomorrow.
Hi Marilyn,
That’s a beautiful poem. Am so amazed you can dig so deep. I am writing to my one year old about her father’s likes and dislikes, his mannerisms and chosen words so she can understand where she came from later in life when she needs it. That’s all she’ll have I suppose.
Its great your sister got the light bulb affect from that letter. So did my friends. And more of them are asking for a copy. To be honest I think I could have been a better friend to anyone I have known who has lost, until now. I know I gave a hell of a lot to a friend who lost a daughter but now I realise there were still more voids I could have filled.
I spoke to a medium. I found it refreshing and accurate – to the point that I just accepted it. I think I was a bit laid back even. It was my friends who found it all so chillingly real when I relayed the accounts. Maybe I was just too busy taking notes. I didn’t cry. Maybe I was skeptical or still just annoyed that I’ll never touch, see, hear or smell Steve again!
For what it’s worth I bought a book by Carole Obley who is in the US. I called from Australia. Made an appointment with her directly. Paid online and it all went like clockwork. She does it over the phone. Her website is http://www.soulvisions.net (you’ll find her number and email on it). Maybe you’d prefer someone in person but the reason I chose her was because her book was very sound and the reviews of her readings on Amazon (as opposed to those on her website) were convincing. I’m sure there are plenty of good ones but she was lovely. Very professional. Plus it was great to do it in the comfort of my own home over the phone. I’ll do it again for sure.
I hope it brings you some much needed relief. Whatever it takes!!
Night for now and bless you, Kate x
My husband passed away of liver cancer. He was 55 and we had been married for 31 years. I am so lost without him. My faith in God is the only way I keep my sanity. I cry every time I unpack and see something of his. We had just moved back home to be near family when he left to be with Jesus. I can’t finish unpacking because it hurts so bad. I am thankful he is not suffering anymore. I just don’t know how to make my pain go away except grab my Bible and pray for wisdom and strenght. He was my Soul mate. I can’t believe he is gone. I love you Doug and I will join you when God brings me home and I know we will know each other. I will always remember the things you taught me about God and the Bible. I will serve God. When my circle of life is over God will bring back to you.
Diana
Gina, sweetheart, take it all in your stride. I started like you, trying to get out there and do stuff, getting back to work. Grief hit me like a ton weight about 3 months after Martin passed away. I was his 24/7 carer as he went from able bodied to full body paralysis within 3 months of his diagnoses. I must admit, I thought my heart was going to break the night he died, and it continued like that for about a week, then I wanted to try and get back to normality and to do things I wanted to do. It’s not selfish how you are handling your grief, it’s exactly that, how you are handling it.
Your husband would want you to move forward and that is exactly what you are doing. Keep it up dear heart, stay with us as well, because we are here for you, just as you are here for us.
Much love to you.
Mare – love and strength I’m sending your way.
Diana Peebles – I’m so sorry for your loss. You are just at the beginning of your journey and it is still hurting so much. Stay with us, we will help you through it.
Karen -thank you, it was written when I was feeling really vulnerable, a bit suicidal, and very alone.
Strength and love to you all.
Normaxxx
I met with a friend today for lunch who lost her husband 16 years ago and has just remarried a year ago. She was in tears talking to me ab0ut the loss of her husband 16 YEARS AGO! I was feeling bad for her. It is very hard losing your love. I went to a grief session at Hospice; but it was not the right one for me as all the folks there were married for over 45+ years. Much older than I. I am only 54 and still working. Although some of the things are the same (the loneliness at night) I am not retired and do not have the money to travel with a bunch of ladies and these folks were doing. I am still working, trying to get through the work day and pay bills; keep up your “happy face” to get through the day. I don’t which is worse actually – being retired or working! I guess there is no “better” place. They have a group that begins in August that addresses loss of a spouse while you are of working age. I will probably go to that one. Just wish it wasn’t so far off. Oh well. I will survive til then.
Hugs to you all.
Karen I’m heading back to work soon, aged 42. Hopefully we can help each other. Paying the bills and bringing up a 1 y/o without Steve to tell me I’m the best mum, doing a great job, and without him being there to decide which way next. I was the toughy, he was the softy. It was always going to be hard finding the happy medium but I loved his massive heart and experience with children from his first marriage. He kept it real. As for work, I’m wondering whether to tell everyone to “treat me like normal” when I arrive. I’m not sure I want special compensation or sickly sweet looks. Any thoughts?
Norma, I’m sorry you were close to suicidal. Do you realise how much you have helped me so far in your writing? I know that’s no compensation but you are an amazing woman and we all need you in this world. I’m sorry you feel so alone. Please don’t. While we can’t all see each other, we all drop in on this website to stay in contact and you play a bigger role than you realise. Sounds like your mum had that ability too.
xx Kate
For Kate….Received your post and thank you so much. The info. about Carole Obley is very valuable. I would have to arrange something over the phone as I’m homebound for now. Really appreciate the help. Going to discuss with daughter this weekend. I think it’s great you are writing letters to your daughter about your beloved husband, Steve. Definitely something I would do if my daughter were not old enough to really understand the impact of this. A beautiful gesture, and, personally, I feel a necessary one to connect her with him through, not only you, but through the letters you write about him. My heart goes out to you, Kate, and everyone writing on this site, dealing with what we have all lost. At least my beautiful daughter was able to have 31 wonderful years with her dad. Your letters will mean so much to your daughter as she grows. Keep writing and remembering so that she will know all about her father through your beautiful memories together.
Diana….So sorry to hear of your of your loss. I know what you are feeling this very moment. Lost my husband to lung cancer after one and a half years of doctors telling us it was a fractured rib, then pneumonia, and didn’t get the proper diagnosis until April 30th. Of course, the cancer was Stage 4 by then, and he died a week later. Your faith in God will keep you strong. Please take each day as it comes and don’t try to do too much. The grief is so overwhelming. I haven’t done anything with my husband’s belongings and I don’t know when I can. I believe that a wife goes part way with her husband when he dies. You and all my friends here will be in my prayers tonight and every night.
Norma….Thank you for your love and strength. I know things here will never be the same again, never. I don’t know who I am right now or who I will eventually be. Trying to take care of finances and all the things that go along with his departure. I truly hope things work out for you and your dad. You both are going through and have been through a lot. Our husbands would have wanted us to remain strong and take care of ourselves. Hard to do, but there isn’t other options. Please accept a big hug from me.
Lori….Think about you. Please post when you can and let us know how you are doing.
As for me, I’m trying as much as I can to adjust to my “new way of life.” I don’t like it at all and not sure where it’s going to take me. I’ve, more or less, distanced myself from everyone except my daughter and sister. Taking it one day at a time. Getting advice to see a lawyer about the house (it’s not paid for) and so on. I’ve read on many websites not to make any big decisions for a least six months and I am going to take that advice and try to maintain what I have for now. Love to all,
Marilyn
Hello friends, June is a emotional month. Last Friday was the annual American Cancer Society Relay for Life that we actively participated in since 1999. We would always have a booth to raise money, play games, etc. I just couldn’t do a booth without him this year. We attended to celebrate our daughter’s 12 years as a survivor however. Then, today is my 26th wedding anniversary. I say it is my anniversary because I cannot bear to say it “would be” my anniversary. I sent my 2 youngest kids to Camp Good Mourning this morning. It is a grief camp for kids ages 6-16. I am trying to stay busy today working. I am serving on a college search committee so I have to keep it together when we interview candidates today. I am not looking forward to Father’s Day , his birthday on the 29th, nor the 4th of July. More celebratory days I have to go through–I can’t go under them, or around them, but have to go through them. Love to all, Lori
Hi Lori, Read your post and want to wish you a Happy #26 Anniversary. There are no “would be’s.” Bob and I celebrated our 32nd anniversary May 12th and my 65th birthday. Today is five weeks to this day that he passed on. It seems longer than that. I think about those upcoming “firsts” all the time. We’ve gone through the anniversary and just have to brace ourselves for the upcoming events. You said it, “Can’t go under them or around them.” It’s so hard. Always know you have love and support here.
Hello my lovely ladies! I know I sound happy. The sun is shining, I’ve got a pussy cat in my lap and a busy weekend ahead. I’ve got the blinkers up and there is nothing I can’t do. Thinking about how I move house without any help, and realise the bloodimindedness of my mum is beginning to shine through, because if I don’t get my 2 strong men, it will be me and a sack barra. I know I’m strong, but I’ll show them all.
What an idiot I hear you say, why try to do it on your own? Well because no-one has offered to help! No-one, even when I offer money, I still get no-one! Why is that? Why are my so called friends and family who are physically able to help, turning their back on me?
Still, that’s the way of it. I will manage, I will have everything ready this weekend for moving on Friday, and if I need to, I will do it on my own.
Kate, sweet heart, I’ve been living in a remote location on my own (although its only 45 minutes away from civilisation) and phone calls have been few and visitors have been nil for the pasts 6 months. Suicidal thoughts were easy because if I were serious, I’d be able to kill myself and no-one would notice. I wouldn’t have any chance to do it as a cry for help, as no-one calls me or visits me, no one would find me until it was too late. The point I was trying to make to my family and friends was just that. The offers of help have been hollow, and as far as they are concerned, I truly am invisible.
However, I can not help myself. I love life, I hate not having Martin to share it with, but I’m not going to give up that easy. That’s why I wanted to move to my Dad’s, so any low moment I have where it is “that low” if I’m at my Dad’s temptation is removed. And I also feel safe with my Dad. Being a Daddy’s girl, it feels right.
Tough times are ahead, both physically and emotionally, my dear, dear ladies, but if we are to get through it, then here is the place to be.
Love and strength is need for the weekend so send some my way.
Much Love
Normaxxx
Hi, Lori, It was so nice to hear from you and let us know how you are doing. Happy Anniversary #26. No “would be’s” are allowed and you will always have your anniversary to have and hold forever. Bob and I celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary and my 65th birthday on May 12th, five days after he passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to all those “firsts” coming up. I absolutely dread them. Adjusting to our “new way of life” is very difficult and I try to keep busy as best I can. This is a journey none of us wanted to take. Being deluged right now with medical bills that should have been covered on Medicare and there is confusion galore that I have to straighten out with the hospice care he received here at home. Thank you for your love and support. You have ours, as well. Hope we communicate soon. Love, Marilyn
Hi Norma,
Was happy to hear you’re getting ready to move next Friday to your dad’s. I think that will make things a little easier for you and you will have some love and support instead of being alone. It’s great you are a “daddy’s girl.” Our daughter is also a “daddy’s girl,” so it’s all good. It is amazing how everyone disappears when you need some help. I have a best friend who has only called my once since my husband’s death. It hurts, but what can you do? Once you get settled, I hope things are easier for you. I am sending love and strength your way. Will be glad when you are settled with your dad. I know you’ll be in a “better place.” Love, Marilyn
Here it is 4:00 in the morning, Pacific daylight time and I cannot sleep. The nights are the worst for me. It’s so terribly lonely. I told my daughter it’s been five weeks to the day since death took the person we both loved and still love so much. It seems longer than five weeks. I want him back so bad. Everything is in such an upheaval. Don’t want to face another day or night of being without him. We’ve been talking about how we “disappear” with our friends and family. It’s true! My best friend has called me one time since May 7th (date of Bob’s death) and his only brother has called once to see how I am doing and that we all have to be realistic about this whole thing. Realistic? What is realistic? The finality of death is pretty realistic. I still can’t watch other people talk, watch t.v., eat, and especially laugh in my condition. How can they do all that when I’m so down and miserable? Don’t they feel my pain? Don’t they care? If they do, why do they act like nothing has happened. I just don’t get it. Maybe we do remind them of their own mortality and their not comfortable with that. But, they act comfortable, laughing and talking, eating and making plans for the weekend. I’m afraid I’m not going to remember 32 years together. All we did. So, I go over those years in my mind every night and remind myself how good I had it. Then, I have to come back to the present. Not a place I want to be. Some people don’t want to be with their spouses but stay married to one another for different reasons. I respected and treasured my marriage. There was no magic formula….we just loved each other. We had our “beefs” but we always found our way to compromise. The “silent treatment” worked well for me. God, I love him. He’s the best. He knows what I’m going through. We used to talk about it every now and then… and he “knows.” I read the other posts and realize this didn’t just happen to me. So many others are trying to recover from their loss, as well. We live in different places all over the world and live different lives but we have one common denominator. Thanks for the ear and the shoulder. I’m going to try to rest a little. Love to all.
love to you Marilyn.
Here is a good place to come to, when its the darkest of times, because sometimes we just need to get the things in our head out of our head. Here is where we do that. It’s not always about the other person, but about yourself. I wanted to shout to the world that they had lost a unique man, when Martin died. I wanted everyone in the world to know. I wanted that so badly. I want him back. Last night I dreamt about him (bugger), he was back and I had to sort out how you go about re-registering your husband when he comes back from the Dead. What a joke. It’s never a dream about us walking hand and hand on a beach, never knowing about the horrible disease that took him. That’s only the third time I’ve dreamt about him. You see it in the movies when people hallucinate about the return of those they have lost, I kept asking people if they could see him and they said yes but I couldn’t believe it, I thought it was all wrong. My thoughts kept going to his ashes sitting just accross the room. What a day/night.
I got up at 2pm today, slept for nearly 12 hours, and boy was I needing it. Sorry to the rest of the ladies, I feel like I’m talking to Marilyn right now. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, come and tell us how you are doing, no matter what time it is. Better out of your head and into ours, because all the posts we write here, help in one way or another.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello friends, When I had some alone time I took his Urn and danced with him to our song to ‘celebrate’ our anniversary and sobbed and sobbed. Of course I couldn’t stop at one song and danced to others that meant something to us. I do not want to tell anyone for fear they will think I am over the edge. Thank goodness I have my online friends who completely understand. Next weekend will be 6 months and Father’s Day to get through.
(Marilyn, I don’t think I told you my circumstances: my husband was 52 and died of a sudden, very unexpected heart attack 5 days before Christmas. We have 4 children 24, 22, 14, 9). Love, Lori
Hello everybody,
I have been reading all the responses all the time. I have not submitted any responses myself…due to the fact I have been working very long hours. That is besides the classes that I take. I am a Student in Ministry. Plus, I am in the middle of an Astrology class.
It has been two years and five months, since my dear husband left. He had lung cancer and congestive heart failure. Luckly he left with dignity and did not have to suffer ever so much. We were together only three and a half years. We live twenty years during those time.
I have been thinking about all of those little stuff that means so much. Barry would tease me. He told me that I was one of the few people that really “Got Him”. When I come home from work…we would run to each other…hugging and kissing. We would use endearing words to each other all the time. I would cook, since I am a Chef. Barry would wash the dishes. He told me that I was a terrible dishwasher. I would rinse. We would be standing side by side doing this, sometimes in silence. It it a comforting for two people.
That deep love will always be there. I love you, Barry. I know that you are watching over me. I am carrying on with courage.
Love and Peace to all…
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Sweet MLB, you must have heard me. I was only saying yesterday, I wonder how you are doing? My husband used to say I had a pyshic link with my friends and family, I believe it too.
Got to hear how you are doing. Love and strength to you.
Much love
Normaxx
Dear Norma,
It warms my heart that you remember me. I am not so alone because of you and others on this site. We will get thru this all together. It is about each one of us, learning and growing thru the experiences of life. Rejoice that we can feel and love in our human plane. Our spirits live forever and grow thru our human existences.
Love and Peace to all…
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello, my friends….
Well, it is “that time” for me again. It’s 4:30 a.m. Pacific daylight time zone and I looked forward to seeing any posts from my friends here on this forum.
Hi, Lori: I thought it was so heartwarming to hear how you danced to “your songs” with your husband’s Urn. For us, Lori, there is no “over the edge.” Whatever you do to try to feel better through these terrible times should be “no holds barred” as far as I’m concerned. My husband’s Urn is on top of our fireplace mantle which our daughter memorialized just after his death. She took out our favorite pictures of us over the years from photo albums and made a collage’ of photos in frames over the mantle. Many years ago, when she was 15, she bought him a musical clown figurine, which he treasured. It’s on his mantle. His favorite hat is next to him, as well. Two flameless candles are on each side of him. My desk and computer are about six feet from his Urn and I look over at him at least 500 times a day. He’s in there. That’s what’s left. If I could, I would pick him up and dance myself to exhaustion. What a beautiful gesture. I know how much you love him. Only 52 years old…so young. What a total shock that must have been for you. No warning and five days before Christmas! Four children. I’m assuming two of them are still with you. Yesterday’s post said you were attending a function for the American Cancer Society Relay for Life to celebrate your daughter’s 12 years as a survivor. What type of cancer did she have? It makes me happy to hear about those success stories. How long will your two younger children be at Camp Good Mourning? I hope it helps them to recover from the loss of their dad. We all do have our blessings in one way or another. I do count them one by one to offset this miserable existence I’ve been thrust into. Have to say, though, I look forward to writing my friends here. It’s a place for me where there is compassion, kindness, comfort and, most of all, understanding. I know you’re not looking forward to next weekend at all, me neither, but always know we are here for you no matter what. All you have to do is connect yourself to us and let us know what you are feeling because, Lori, we know.
Dear Norma,
Look forward to your responses. I send my love to you. Know you have a big week ahead of you, but I’m still glad you’re moving back with your dad. That’s where, I feel, you should be right now. You know, I have had a few dreams about Bob, and when you mentioned your dream about Martin, I’m of the belief whenever we dream of our loved one, it’s them trying to communicate with us. Sometimes the dream makes no sense, but I think it’s still him trying to get through to me. Our daughter has had dreams, as well; one of them being that he walks through the front door and she says “How can you be here, daddy?” The lady from the mortuary is with us saying she will still go ahead with the arrangements even though he is in the doorway saying he is all right now. If only he was. What disease did your husband have, Norma? I’m sure everyone has read about the misdiagnosis of Bob’s lung cancer. You know, we saw him deteriorating every day, lost 40 pounds in two months, but those doctors kept telling us about fractured ribs and pneumonia. We didn’t know the bottom line until one week before his death and had to frantically arrange for home hospice care. The doctors said we were wrong to bring him home because he was so ill at that point. We brought him home, anyway. He deserved better than putting him in a “facility” after all the hopes of him recovering were depleted. It was a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows that you could only imagine, thinking he was going to survive that “fractured rib” of one and one half years and then “pneumonia.” The hopes we all hung onto. It made no sense, but they kept telling us that’s what it was…until, finally, on April 30th, we’re told he had 4th stage lung cancer and he’ll require hospice care. The doctors still told us he could have up to five months left and he died a week later. I saw it all and I heard it all. I’m so bitter over the lack of care he had and what might have been if he had been properly diagnosed. He believed in the system and so did I. But no more. Apologies for the rambling, but, like you said, “better out of my head and into yours because all the posts we write here help in one way or another.” So true. Thank you for being here with me.
My thoughts and prayers are constantly with all of you. It’s just beginning daylight here in Sunny California. I know we all live in different time zones and I’m thankful I have all of you to turn to. Sleep is something very hard to come by lately. Look forward to hearing from all of you….actually find myself wheeling to the computer looking forward to hearing from you all. My husband told our daughter about one month before he passed, “If things don’t turn out the way we want them to, you have to be brave.” I think he knew then, the doctors were wrong. All of us have to be brave and try to hold it together as best we can. Going to close for now. Love and hugs to all….Marilyn
Hi Marilyn, sleep is such a relief when it comes. Martin had motor neurone disease (you may know it better as ALS or Lou Gerrig disease). He died 6 months after diagnoses, peacefully. He passed away 4 weeks after my Mum died of lung cancer, so I knew what was coming with Martin. He went from being tall skinny fairly healthy, physically anyway, to total paralysis within 8 months. The standing joke before diagnosis, was don’t let him do the dishes, else he’ll drown, as he’d start upright and end up at a 90 degree angle by the end of it. So sad, he was 46 and he died 1st December 2009, 6 days before my 40th birthday. I was thankfull my birthday landed on a Sunday last year, else the funeral service would have been the same day and that would have been hard.
MLB, I think about my ladies often. I’m going to see a spiritulist next week. I want to see if Martin or Mum has anything to say to me.
I’m just off the phone with my sister, getting it through to her, finally that i need some help. During the call her daughter sent her a text, and she called me a few minutes ago, she’s just got engaged, and they are going to come and help me move on Friday. I’m exhausted from all the crying. I didn’t realise your nose could run so much when you are in full flow.
Off to bed and its only 9.30 pm (BST) here.
Much love and stay strong.
Normaxxx
Hi Marilyn,
Greetings from Minnesota. Yes, I still have the 2 younger kids home. My 24 year old daughter is married with a baby girl and is a special education teacher, my 22 year old son will begin his senior year of college in the fall, my 14 year old daughter will be in 9th grade in the fall, and my 9 year old son will be in 4th grade. My husband was very involved in youth sports for the past 23 years. He was a hockey coach for our sons team along with a team that was older (11 year olds). He ran the pop warner youth football, and umpired and coached baseball. Over 800 people signed the guestbook at the funeral. There wasn’t anywhere we went in the city (about 68,000) that someone didn’t recognize him and stop to say hi. He was actually in between coaching hockey games when it happened. He beat me home from the arena and was cooking lunch getting ready to go to the next game at 3:00 pm. I walked in the door and there he was laying with the 2 younger kids over him. He was conscious but could barely breathe and couldn’t talk. His eyes did all the talking. I immediately called 911 and asked the kids how long he was like this–they both said just right before you came in the door. I believe that too–because I called him asking him if he wanted me to pick up something for lunch knowing about the 2nd game of the day. He said no, I’m making something in his usually happy voice, but I came into the house not 2 minutes later and found him like that. The paramedics worked on him for about 30 min. in the kitchen and he left with no pulse–so I knew. They tried to work on him more in the ER but after about 1 hour they came in and told us he died. His 11 year old team was just as devastated as we were. I had them serve as honorary pallbearers. Our blue line club planted a tree in his honor with a huge boulder by it with a very nice narrative. To answer your question about cancer–our 14 year old daughter was diagnosed with neuroblastoma when she was 2. For 9 months the doctors around my hometown kept telling us it was a virus in the back of her brain. 9 MONTHS! Finally, I got my wish for a referral to the Mayo Clinic. In 2 minutes–without tests yet to confirm it–the doctors told us they believed she had neuroblastoma. It was a long 4 years–3 surgeries, chemo, OT, PT therapy, etc. If you saw her today you wouldn’t believe she was ever sick.
Norma, I get tremendous strength from you–please keep writing. The things you say always have a positive effective on me.
MLB – I would love to hear more about your spiritual teachings. I find that very fascinating.
Love to all my friends, Lori
Kate, Marilyn, and anyone else who benefited from the widow.ie site, I’m so glad you went to that site and found comfort there. I hope you post a supportive comment for Colette, the young woman who started the site about two years ago, after she lost her husband to a motorcycle accident. She has a young daughter, thus can identify with those of you who also have young children.
Marilyn, I’m just north of you in sunny (as of yesterday) Oregon, so we share the same time zone. It has been so nice to experience some of your California sun these past two days.
Many of you have mentioned wanting to connect with your husbands through mediums. I, too, long to connect with my Don, and often ask the Holy Spirit to convey my love to him. Because I deeply believe that Scripture is Truth from our Creator, and Scripture clearly states that we are not to go to mediums, I won’t go that route. However, I’ve found nothing in Scripture that forbids contact with our loved ones through the Holy Spirit, thus I have asked for that to happen, if it be in God’s will. During the first few months after Don died, I was blessed with comforting dreams of being with him, and was left with the assurance that we are together in Christ for eternity. That assurance provides a peace that gives me the strength to face the challenges of each day on this earth without Don.
This site is such a blessing to all of us….. again, THANKS CORINNE!
It’s, once again, 4:oo a.m. Pacific standard time and I’m here at my desk/computer writing to all my friends here.
Jeanine, I’m thinking of you right now because we’re both on the west coast.
This is a haunting hour for me….it’s sooooo quiet and all I hear right now is the clock ticking and my typing on the keyboard.. I try to sleep but all I do is think, worry and think some more. It’s exhausting.
Our daughter had a “bad daddy day” today. She was playing a song about a father and daughter (can’t remember the name of it) by Tim McGraw and we both started sobbing. My husband loved a song by the Mills Brothers, and this may be long before all my friends’ time, named “Daddy’s Little Girl.” Well, we won’t even go there. I have the door shut to the bedroom and his office. Just walking by makes me cry, let alone going in there. I hope that gets better for me, as my twin sister worries that I’m not moving along as well as I should and doesn’t understand my staying up all night and not going into certain rooms. I always come here to talk things out because all of you make me feel “normal.” None of our lives are normal. Our children’s lives aren’t normal. Having our husbands back would certainly make our lives normal. I wonder if I’ll ever adjust to life without Bob. Do members of my family (other than our daughter) get sick and tired of hearing me talk about him all the time? I try to keep limits on it and then I come here for comfort.
Dear Lori,
Thanks for telling me your story. I can’t imagine what you went through that day you lost your husband. I know the end of this month marks his birthday and 6 months without him. Father’s Day and the 4th of July are going to be more than difficult for all of us. How do you cope? Are you working? I’m retired. My husband owned a business for 40 years….a cocktail lounge/ restaurant. When I met him in 1976, he had owned it for around 10 years. Then, he trained me to work shifts and eventually I learned how to do the bookkeeping and payroll. We sold the business in June of 2007 after his abdominal aortic aneurism surgery. I was just too scared I might be left with a business that was open 7 days a week, 20 hours a day. It was a lot of work, but he made it fun. He was a very smart man. Also, when you told me about your daughter’s neuroblastoma and for nine months the doctors were telling you it was a virus in the back of her brain, you see how they mislead you? Thank God for the referral to the Mayo Clinic. We (our daughter and I) kept telling Bob’s doctors he’s not getting better and we asked each other why don’t they do a cat scan? I googled and googled about “pain in left side” and most the sites said ask for a cat scan. We just got nowhere. I’ve had friends tell me to file a malpractice suit against the medical people who were caring for him. But, where does all that go? It just isn’t going to bring him back. Do I really want to even “go there?” My heart goes out to you and everyone posting on this site. We’ve all dealt with the doctors and the treatments. Do you know when we finally got the correct diagnosis on April 30th, his doctor told me on the phone he had a mass. I said, “A mass?” He said, “Masses, masses, and they probably have metastisized.” I didn’t know the meaning of metastisized….had to google it and then, in simple words, it meant spread. Didn’t know it then, but he had one week to live. They hospitalized him on May 1st, released him on May 2nd and put him into hospice. His condition worsened so fast; it was incredible….like watching something on fast forward.
Always remember, my love and prayers are with you. I know this weekend is going to be a rough one, but we are all here for you just like you are all here for me. Love, Marilyn
Hi, Norma…it’s always great to hear from you. I’m so glad to hear you’re sister and niece are going to help you move to your dad’s place. I can thorougly understand why you cried after being under all that pressure. Once you get to your dad’s, I know you will be in a better place. No so secluded and alone. Even though sometimes our family doesn’t act and talk the way we feel they should, we all need to be around the people who love us and care. I was telling my daughter today about how you lost your mum and husband within a month and both of us couldn’t even fathom having to deal with that. You’ve really been through a lot and I commend you for posting with all of us to give us strength and I hope we are all giving you the support you need, too. You’ve got a big week ahead of you, but it’s all for the good. Reading your posts have brought me, and all of us, that little ray of sunshine that we all need right now. Your mum would give you a cuddle and I’m giving you one now, Norma. God bless and keep writing to us.
Hi, Jeanine….Wonderful to hear from you. So, you’re in sunny Oregon now. When you think about where all of our friends live, you’re practically my neighbor! Did you move there permanently? Are you with family? My heart and prayers are with you and, yes, you will be reunited with Don after your labors are completed here on Earth’s plane. I’m having diffculty right now with my faith. It isn’t that I don’t believe anymore, it’s just that I feel forgotten. I’m exhausted from the whole ordeal with losing Bob to God. I prayed so hard. Yes, my faith has been shaken a little. I feel very vulnerable right now having to deal with an injury that has, I hope temporarily, put me in a wheelchair since last October. I became eligible for Medicare this past May, but Bob’s death has diverted me from seeing a doctor. Don’t really want to go after what I witnessed from the medical group that will be taking care of me. My twin sister is facing double total hip replacement but the doctors can’t do any surgery right now until the inflammation in her spine subsides. She is not able to walk either. I worry who will take care of her after two surgeries. It’s just one thing after another.
I still pray and believe. It’s just hard to understand why so much has to be dealt with at one time. My husband, Bob, was there for us and we didn’t even know that HE WAS THE ONE THAT REALLY NEEDED TO BE CARED FOR! You know, he would always tell us how fortunate he was that he could walk and that his problems were nothing compared to ours… but they were something… and very real. It was all so unexpected.
I, too, am grateful to Corinne for establishing this forum for all of us. I searched for others, but there wasn’t anything compared to what I have found here. Thank you, Corinne.
Mary Lotus Butterfly….I’m fairly new here and want you to know we are all here for you. My husband died from lung cancer, as well. Please keep checking in on us and let us know how you are doing. All of us are such an integral part of each other’s survival. I know I’ve said this before….”My friends here are my life preservers.” So please keep posting and let us know how you feel and how you are doing. We’re all in this same “boat” together. Love and prayers….Marilyn
Well, it’s now 6:30 a.m. and the sun has risen. I’m going to start a pot of coffee for my beautiful daughter who will be going to work soon. Then, I will try to sleep a little. I love you all….Marilyn
Well well well. I go away for a long weekend with my family and return to a day load of messages from you all. I feel I have to read and re-read to take in all that information. So much grief, love, kindness and glue to bind us all together.
I am falling asleep I am so tired and can’t pay all your posts the respect they deserve tonight but please know Ladies, you really are all so important to me and clearly each other.
My 1 year old daughter had her first ride in a boat with my family this weekend. Just as I was thinking it, my darling knowing mum said it on cue.. “wouldn’t Steve love to be here now”. He should have been there. I sobbed in to the wind and buried my wet eyes into my daughter’s hair. Steve and I had talked about that exact special moment. So maybe he was there after all. Who knows. I like to think I can feel him around us, and talk to him at certain times, but is he really there. Who knows. Maybe it’s just my wishful thinking.
My counsellor told me I need to be open to all that stuff otherwise I will miss the signs from Steve.
I firmly believe that communicating your feelings when grieving helps with progress and this site really has been a saviour to me. I am so sure it have brought me sanity, references, perspective, support and understanding that so many people are searching for if unaware or unable to let it out in this forum. The fact that we can do it daily or ten times a day is even better.
Norma, I got goose bumps when I read that you are getting help from your sister and her daughter. It’s a lesson to us all to reach out, and to keep reaching out and to clearly, loudly and unashamedly demand help because, despite all those hugs, pats, puppy dog eyes and offers to do “anything”, people really don’t have any idea what we are going through. I can’t bare that you have been so isolated for so long. You have so much joy to look forward to, simple pleasures are coming your way, in truckloads!
I have dropped hints but it’s only the seriously caring or smart friends who react. And those who have lossed already are incredible.
One thing I can’t stop thinking is that sadly most people you know will suffer loss in their life, it just hasn’t started for them yet. It’s not something any of us would wish on anyone, but i do know that it’s simply a matter of time now that we will all be consoling more and more friends. I have learned so much in the process. Did I want to learn, no! But bad luck I have and I know I’ll be able to help good people when the time comes.
I have started to accept that losing Steve was most of course going to happen to me. Why didn’t I ever see it coming. Why didn’t I realise that life had this in store for me. It all makes sense. I was always independent. I fought being dependent for a long time but just as I started getting used to the idea, wham! So stupid of me.
It is exactly two months today since Steve (aged 40) died suddenly, we’ll never really know, but he died from an enlarged heart (myocarditis) which seems to have been caused by a virus or bug. He had food poisoning symptoms for 3 days and finally went to hospital to be checked and died 8 hours later in intensive care. The shock after shock that I have been through seems to have toughened me up. Could anything shock me or rock me now after what I have been through. I don’t think so. Maybe this is a phase of grieving.
My memories are fading. I can’t really believe Steve was true. He whizzed through my life in 4 short years. High impact love. Gone.
Sweet dreams and lots of love, Kate
Dear Kate….Steve was there on that boat ride with you and your little one. No doubt in my mind. Yes, you must keep your mind open to those signs, as subtle as they might be. My mind, what’s left of it, is always open to any sign I may receive or any “feeling” I may have from Bob. Please remember this….Steve IS true. I know in one of my prior posts I mentioned that I have to go over and over my 32 years with my husband because I’m afraid I’m going to forget. But, why? We won’t forget. How can we? Steve is the father of your baby. Bob is the father of our daughter. The ties that bind….as they say. But, they are oh, so true. Kate, you will never forget Steve. He will be with you always; there is just too much of a connection there. You will see that to be true as time goes on. Doesn’t matter if we were married 4 or 40 years. When you love someone and lose them like we have, that bond of love is never broken. You see, because we didn’t end our marriages by divorce; our marriages ended without our consent. Trust me on this one, Kate, you will never forget Steve and your memories will not fade. He is just too much a part of your life and your baby’s Keep writing those beautiful letters to her and you will see your connection to Steve will endure your separation from him right now. We are all “swimming in waters” right now unknown to many. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but here we are. I’m so grateful to have found all of you and know I can come here for comfort and understanding. I’ve never been in therapy, but this is definitely a wonderful place to come and be with others that truly care and know what this is all about. There’s just no other place like it. Will check in with all of you later on. Love and a hug to all….Marilyn
Kate, your beloved Steve was with you in that boat. Ijust know it. I was given a book by a friend that researched after death communications and I believe they are real. It’s called “Hello From Heaven”. My husband smoked cigars and I smell cigar smoke on a regular basis and no one else does! I have felt something envelope me and brush my cheek when it was quiet in the house. It startled me! I felt something– what I thought was the dog getting up on the bed, but the dog wasn’t in the same room. I believe these “somethings” are my husband. My kids have all had similar experiences. I don’t think I’m crazy–I’m well educated and level-headed. I cannot explain it any other way.
Jeanine, I’m hoping I can regain my faith through your writings. I am a grad of a catholic high school so I grew up with a very strong faith. I have not been to church since he died. My faith is very shaken. Keep writing as it gives me something to think about.
Hi Marilyn, those “bad daddy days” are intensely emotional days for us. I am afraid to let my feelings out too much for fear I will end up with a 2 hour crying jag from my younger kids. That actually happened. I want the tears to cleanse them because I believe tears that don’t flow will cause us all sorts of problems, but I don’t want them to worry about ME. I need to be strong to take care of them. Take care my friends. Thank you for listening. Love, Lori
Thanks for your encouragement Lori and Marilyn. I will keep writing. I have been slack lately but will give it another burst, with energy from you all. And I will look for signs of Steve too. Thanks girls. Lots of love, Kate
For the faithfull. Your believes have been rocked by such trials and tribulations that it is hard to believe that God would do this to you and your family. To take away a much loved man, who was needed by you and your children (where blessed). It is only natural to be angry at God. God has the power to stop things like this happening, but miracles aren’t for you. The path you will take because of your loss will define you. Define how you feel about your faith, define how you react to certain situations, and define how your journey will go. It is good that you question your faith at times like this, but don’t lose it. You might be angry at God and you might decide that God doesn’t deserve your faith, but you know that’s not true. Have as much faith in yourself as you do in God, for all God wants you to be is good to yourself, and treat others as you want to be treated. God doesn’t mean for this journey to be tough at times, but God does want you to come through it. Keep your faith, Ladies, for God keeps faith in you.
For the faithless – like me you may not believe in a higher entity, blind faith is sometimes hard to accept. Things happen because that’s the way of the world, but just because you don’t believe in a God, doesn’t mean you are faithless. Having faith in yourself is just as good. Believe in yourself and you can do anything you put your mind too. Just be good to each other, life is hard enough as it is. And when the journey becomes tough, know that you are not alone, and somewhere someone elses journey is just as tough as yours. Life is wonderful and made for living, so embrace this challenge, because that’s what it is, a challenge.
Safe journey to you all, love and strength to you all, and forgive me ladies, for the little bit of philosophy. Don’t lose your faith, where ever that lies.
much love
Normaxxx
Norma, all the very best luck with your move on Friday. Just in case you disconnect the computer I wanted you to know I will be thinking of you. If I was in Britain I’d jump on a train and come help you. Of course it’s easy for me to say that all the way from Oz but i do mean it. Sometimes I think we are all more open from being largely anonymous on this site but honestly, I’d be happy to gather and meet you all. Imagine if we had a big “widow fest”. Of course we could give it a snazzier name but I don’t want anyone to hurt any more than they already do and let’s face it, we all know how to help in a practical sense and we know how to provide basic comfort. Sometimes a simple helping hand relieves a heart load of aching and stress. What I can offer Norma is a phone call. My email address is kdavieshk@yahoo.com and if you wish to swap numbers I can call you and check on you or you can call me and swear your heart out. I completely understand if that’s far too personal for you. Your sister and niece will probably provide plenty of venting opportunities but hey, the option is there. We are 9 or 10 hours ahead of you in Oz but I am here day or night. I’m hoping your dad lives in civilisation and that soon you’ll be creating a community of butchers, bakers, baristas around you and they’ll all provide routine and regular conversation for you to look forward to, at the very least. If not, you still have us all.
Love Kate x
Hello, my lovely friends.
Here I am, once again, at 4 a.m. PDT. Just found out yesterday confirmation that my twin is going to have to go through three surgeries…two total hip replacements and surgery on her spine or she will not be able to stand upright within a short period of time. She’s been on a walker for two years due to severe osteoarthritis. I’m entirely exhausted emotionally and physically from loss of Bob on May 7th and feel like I’m “slighting” her for what she is about to face. I mean, how much is left of me to see her through this ordeal? Not much time in between to regain strength. The hits just keep on coming.
Keep having flashbacks leading up the the day that changed my life forever. Easter Sunday, April 4th, was the beginning of my journey into hell. We had just gone through an earthquake here and the pendelum on our grandfather clock had stopped moving. That clock has been in the family since 1956 and it survived the Northridge earthquake many years ago. It just stopped. My husband came from his office and told us he’s going to have to go to Emergency cause he was feeling so ill and I remember that clock stopping. I said to myself, “I hope that not a sign of anything.” I dismissed the thought and remember how happy and joyous we all were when he said the doctors told him it was “pneumonia.” As you all know, things went downhill rapidly from there. April 4th, Easter Sunday…he had a month of life left in him. Now, I look at that clock and it is lifeless. I’m afraid to say anything to the family that I want to get rid of it cause my mom and dad bought it in 1956 when my twin and I were 11 years old! You see, I think of April 4th as the beginning of the end, and everytime I see that clock, it taunts me to remember. Hence, the constant flashbacks leading up to the 7th of May.
Oh, yes, and let’s not forget Father’s Day this Sunday. Little did I know that last Father’s Day was his last and how special our daughter would make it for him with cards and gifts, hugs and kisses. He loved chocolate-covered cherries and every Father’s Day he would get 3 boxes of them from her. This is the dread of all dreads and right on the heels of that is 4th of July! How do we get through all of this? I know all of us are facing those special days this year without our loved one and all I can say is if I didn’t have this support from all of you, I would sink deeper than where I already am, and where that is, I really don’t know.
Lori….I know it’s your husband’s birthday coming up and 6 months since your loss. My love and thoughts are with you, as well as everyone I’ve made friends with since my first post. I’m so lost. If all of you weren’t around for me to come to, I think I would dissolve like an Alka Seltzer tablet in water. The news of my sister hasn’t helped matters, either. Who will care for her during recovery? I’m not able to at the moment due to injury. There are just too many “noodles in the stew” to deal with right now. Taking Bob off the joint checking account…..another finality I don’t want to face. God, where does this road I’m traveling turn?
Norma, I wish you much happiness and peace with the move to your dad’s. Keep all of us posted on your journey. Plug in that computer as soon as possible to let us know. We will all be waiting to hear from you. I truly love you all. Marilyn
My dear, sweet hearts. I was going to leave the computer and get the broadband turned off today, but thought, why? I’m still here at the moment and why not send a quick message (sans philosophy), to everyone of you.
My Silver Fox, went in for surgery yesterday (Tuesday), she’s one our ladies who keeps in touch with me via email. Although she doesn’t post much, she reads all our posts. Terre if you read this before I get a chance to read my email, know we are all thinking about you. It’s simple surgery for some, but I know how simple things can be so much bigger to others.
Marilyn, good morning, no doubt you’ll read this when you log on at that peaceful hour you’ve found. My bed is all packed in the back of the car, ready to go straight to Dad’s tomorrow night. Dropping it off an my sister and her husband will put it up for me, whilst I go and learn some more Spanish. Opted for the single bed, gives me more room in the bedroom, its not like I’ll be bringing anyone home. It will just have to be his place (your place or mine)
I’ve been granted an interview for Uni, had to explain to my boss yesterday, why I wanted to go and do an MA in Philosophy. He didn’t fully understand, but he thought it was a bit heavy going for me, and he asked me if I’d not rather do something that was going to enhance my career. I explained that money wasn’t a big factor for me and that he would be better spending his training budget on those who would appreciate it more. Was nice of him. Will keep you all posted on that.
Well its official, I binned my husbands wallet and other things I was supposed to keep. Haven’t found it anywhere. Sad, but I’m not dwelling on it. Martin wasn’t in to material things and I don’t need it as a reminder of what we had together. Just feel stupid for getting it mixed up with the rubbish.
Sorry I appear to be waffling.
Kate, I will email you once I’m settled. I’ve recently got in touch with an old college friend who is now in New Zealand. My travel plans for 2012 include Japan, a few days in New Zealand, and now if you are up for it, a trip to Oz or HK wherever you find yourself. As to widow fest, we may have to call it something else, as we’d probably get a bunch of spider freaks turning up (no offense intended). As we are so widely spread, we’d have to decide on the hemisphere first then the continent or just do it all via web cam and uplinks. Something to consider.
Believe in yourself, don’t let this journey be a lonely one, you know we are all here for each other. Let’s not forget Corine, thank you, this site has been such a comfort for so many, long may it last.
Signing off now, will probably be Wednesday before I’m back on, and I’ll have news as I go to see a spiratulist on Tuesday night. Hopefully mum, will be able to send me a message and tell me if there is a God. I asked her to come back and let me know, because if she tells me there is, then I would have no option but to start going to church.
Much love
Normaxxx
Norma, bring it on! I’d love to see you in HK or Oz. I have found an apartment in HK and am moving back in a month. Scary stuff but it has to happen. I think Steve is pushing me along. Am yet to tell my employer that I’ll be returning. Boring business discussions I am simply avoiding. I kind of like being in this limbo state for that reason, but I also know I can’t stay in it for too long or I’ll lose my grip. I have to do it for our daughter. She has a load of friends to make and experiences to enjoy.
Marilyn. Try not to carry all that weight for your sister as well. This is a time to call in all relatives and friends, is it possible? You need to begin the healing process and it’s a selfish one. Hang in their hon. I have lots to shut down as well. It feels almost cruel. Like we are shutting someone out of our lives, cutting them off. I know Steve would really struggle with all those duties if the shoe were on the other foot. And no doubt your Bob too. So maybe, in a way, they have been spared of that heartache. For what it’s worth I am a big fan of tossing everyday reminders, or at least removing/moving the really painful ones. I have had our apartment packed up and have left it forever. We were going to anyway, but it has all been done for me while I am in Oz. And when I do unpack in the new on, I am tossing lots of things. Maybe the clock can go into storage? I find I prefer to choose when I want to be reminded of Steve, when possible. I have his Polo cologne and all I have to do is open the lid and the first powerful waft conjures up a typical morning scene in our household when Steve was alive. Sometimes I wear it but find on some days, it’s too hard to smell him everywhere. Some days I just choose to keep the lid on the bottle and wear my own perfume. He loved it.
Sweet dreams everyone. I am off to pray for Steve to be in mine tonight. Oh and I know it doesn’t help much but in Oz it’s not Fathers’ Day until September so not all the world is celebrating it. I know that doesn’t help much but maybe in years to come you can plan a long holiday to avoid July in the US. Wishful thinking I’m sure.
Thanks Corrine.
Love Kate x
Hi there… my husband died 17 March 2010 – not long ago- he had cancer but the whole process was only 18 months. We had been dating for about 6 years when I finally was courageous enough to say yes to he regular request to marry him. Being married and divorce prior left me scared – and being brought up catholic left me feeling that I didn’t deserve the blessing. Anyway we were only married on the 27 June 2009- so we hadn’t even been married a year when he died. Due to work we were also in different towns – four hours apart. We planned for me to move to him, but when the cancer proved to be very aggresive we planned for him to move with me – as I have family support here and my own house. As it turns out my husband ended up in pallitive care in heaps of pain before he finally moved in with me- in nov/dec 2009. I became his carer . It was wonderful to spend constant time with him…. although it hurt too, to be a newly wed and not enjoy things in a normal way…. though everything was so intense… holding hands when we slept was special.
It is nearly a year since our wedding… what would have been our first anniversary.. and I don’t know what to do. I feel totally isolated in this grief. I feel I need to do something or go somewhere… I don’t know how to deal with it.
any ideas?
Niki
Oh, Niki….What can I say? Believe me, I know how you feel. Don’t know if you’ve read prior posts from me to all the lovely friends I’ve connected to here. My husband, Bob, died on May 7th. He was in hospice care here at home for five long and agonizing days. It was horrible to watch him deteriorate further without food or water, in addition to the agonizing pain. You know, I didn’t know what pallative (not sure of spelling) care meant until my daughter explained it to me. I sure learned fast! So sad you were married less than one year. Remember, the length of time you are with someone doesn’t determine how much you love them. I was married to my husband almost 32 years, five days short of my anniversary. You are fortunate you have found this forum. We are all “in the same boat” and all of us are here for you. I’m having a terrible time dealing with Bob’s death….seems like I can’t get past it. Maybe, I don’t want to. I do have our daughter to share all this grief; she so loves her dad. June 27th will be your first anniversary. There are no “would have beens” or “would be’s” here. It is, and always will be, your anniversary. I can certainly relate to the isolation and grief you are experiencing. Seems like no one can really feel the way we are feeling. As for me, Niki, I take it one hour, one day at a time. Constantly think about him and miss him so much. Still can’t believe he’s gone. It’s just not real. I know I have to deal with all the legal responsibilities that get dropped in your lap when your spouse dies, but, other than that, I’m still in a daze. I just want him back and resume what was my normal way of life. It just isn’t going to happen no matter what I do. Try to do nice things for yourself. Hope you have a friend you can have dinner with or take in a movie….any diversion helps. It’s not that you want to forget him….that will never happen. You just want to rise above all the sadness and emptiness that goes along with the loss we’ve all suffered. Friday’s are terrible days for me. Bob died on a Friday and today will be six weeks since his death. Seems longer. Whether it’s been six weeks, six months or six years, we will always feel the loss of our husband, whom we love so dearly. Take one day at a time, Niki; that’s all you can do. People tell me, “Time will take care of things.” Time is my enemy right now. Can’t sleep and I’m living in this cocoon of grief. I do know what you’re going through. Coming here truly helps. You’re with friends that know what you are feeling and thinking. We will hold on to one another and “weather this storm” as best we can. Stay strong and accept our love and support. We are all here for you.
Hello, Kate….Your response meant a lot to me. You’re so right. Bob would not have been happy having to deal with all of this if I had been the “first to go.” But, it sure is hell being the one left behind. Keep writing those beautiful letters about Steve to your little one. They will become treasures to her one day. So, you are planning to move, as well. I wish sometimes I could just leave everything and begin anew, but I’m older and having mobility problems right now. New horizons are sometimes the path to follow because no matter where we go, no matter what we do, our hubbies will be with us in our hearts. We carry them there constantly. Coming here to visit all of you means more than words can express. I’m understood. I’m nurtured. I’m not alone. Love to you and everyone corresponding on this wonderful site. Don’t know what I’d do without all of you.
Hi Norma….Are you at your dad’s yet? Sending you a cuddle.
Love you all….Marilyn
Hello friends. Niki I am so very sorry for your loss. We are here to help each other, be a shoulder to cry on, be a place to vent our frustrations, be a place to hold each other up. No one wants this journey, but thankfully we have a place to go. If this site wasn’t available I would be in worse shape than I am in sometimes (special thanks Corinne). Tomorrow marks 6 months since my husband died. He also happened to die on a Saturday–and yes Marilyn, I can relate to the day and feel what you mean. Every Saturday is a sad day for me. Hugs and love to everyone, Lori
Hi Niki, Marilyn and Lori say it as it is. Maybe they didn’t mean this but really you don’t need to plan too much to avoid the sadness. Be with it but with a caring mate by your side or simply know that we are here with you. Saturday, Tuesday, Friday, whatever day doesn’t make much difference to me. I can be having a relatively easy day and then simply stumble across a reminder that bleeds my heart. Today I was doing some retail therapy, buying shoes and I went to the baby section to see if there were any decent styles for our one year old daughter and suddenly I turned misty eyed saying “babe, you are supposed to be here, where are you” repeatedly, because Steve would have been the one just loving the little shoes I bought for our daughter. I even found myself wondering why I would buy some really beautiful shoes for myself if I didn’t have Steve to admire them and make me feel good in them too. I wanted to be his beautiful woman, I wanted to make him proud of me. Submissive perhaps and definitely not what I was all about but I loved that he got a thrill walking into a room with me. I ended up in the sensible shoe area and threw a few back on the grounds that Steve was telling me not to go there. But really, he just loved whatever I loved and loved spoiling me. It’s now a very hollow game. Material things or not, he’s not here to share the emotions.
I met up with a friend tonight who divorced her husband after a nasty marriage and he is literally a hobo now and definitely no parent to her daughter. I studied her daughter tonight and she was amazing. She has a father who is alive and occasionally in her life but he is definitely not a parent to her. She really is a credit to her mum. I can’t compare my situation but all I can hope for is a daughter as well-rounded as her daughter. My friend was wearing a ring on her wedding ring finger and said she put it there because she was literally sick of people feeling sorry for her being a single mum. She lives with another guy and they both have kids but she is fiercely independent. So much to look forward to! I still wear my rings. I wear Steve’s on a chain around my neck with a cross his mum gave me which was one he wore in his 20s. Do we wear them forever?
Night, Love Kate x
Just stumbled on this site, and my heart goes out to all of you. I lost my husband on 3/30/10. He had a heart attack in his sleep and I found him the next day. He was 49 and I am 34. He left behind 3 adult children, 9 grandsons, 4 step-kids and our 5 year old daughter. His family has been horrible about it all. The police believed his mother as did the coroner and gave her all the cash from our home and turned our property over to her. Within the 2 weeks it took me to take control through court order, they removed everything of value, mine, his and our kids, including our air conditioner, and I live in Colorado (the plains). Now they are fighting me in probate so that we can not stay in our home. It has made it more difficult. His mother tried to file for survivors benefits for our daughter until I turned her in. She took all control of the funeral and he is now buried instead of the creamation that he wanted. I was even cut out of the obituary. When I put flowers on the grave she removes them, when I go to the grave, she goes to check up on me. After 8 years of marriage, I would of thought that she would learn to deal. When I would tell my husband how she was behind his back, he did not believe me, I hope now he sees her true colors. This has been heartwrenching enough, but she makes it harder. I am happy that I am a paralegal and can get most done on my own, and have really great friends that are attorney’s. I understand she lost a son and his siblings lost a brother, but I lost my life mate and my kids lost their dad. I go to bed and wish he was next to me. I have heard enough people tell me to get over it, well I can’t. And I am at my wits end, if his mother tells me one more time that he would be alive if I would have just forced him to see a doctor I may slap her. Our favorite holiday was Easter, but this year there wasn’t one, The first mothers day that I woke up and there were not a dozen roses and a dozen pink carnations with a card and chocolate replacing him on the bed when I awoke, then the brunch out to eat with he and the kids. Now Sunday is fathers day, and we didn’t make a menu tonight, and place card, and we will not be making homemade blueberry pancakes for him while he stays in bed. No invitation for a campout in the yard with the kids. I have gone to his grave just to scream at him and be mad, but everynight, falling asleep takes forever. to tell you the truth, it feel like someone took a melon baller and scoop half of me out. From how you all have commented, it seems that it gets easier to deal with, and for my own sanity, I hope so. I am glad that I found this site. Finally I have found other people that feel the pain and emptiness that I do. This is so much different than losing any other family member. When you lose your spouse, you lose yourself.
Hello to all my friends…
Well, here I am, once again. It’s 4:15 Saturday morning and I am now finding this is my time to reflect on what I am feeling and how I’m going to survive the loss that I, as well as all of us, have endured. Yesterday marked six weeks being without my wonderful husband. Brandi is so right when she wrote that this is different from losing any other family member. It’s not that you loved them any less or felt the loss any less, but it is “different.” You do lose yourself when you’ve lost your spouse. Well said. I sent my daughter into Bob’s office yesterday evening to bring me a file I needed and she came running out sobbing that she just can’t go in there because the feeling of grief is so overwhelming. It was “daddy’s room” and all the reminders of him were just too much to take. His desk, glasses, t.v., remote, tool chest, etc. How I related to that! Like I’ve said before, I won’t go into the bedroom or office. I’m just not there yet. Like Lori said earlier, you try to hold it together for yourself and your children, but the tears do have to flow. Things are what they are. Didn’t realize sending her in “there” was going to cause such an outburst and I’m learning that I’m not the only one suffering from his passing.
Lori….my thoughts and prayers are with you, as always. The next two weekends are going to be difficult with Father’s Day and your husband’s birthday on the 29th. I wish I could recommend an easy fix for it, but it doesn’t exist. Just remember, we’re all here with you going through each day, as well. All the holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries that confront us are shared, believe me! Thank goodness we all have one another. It’s comfort we all need to share. Always remember, we’re just a post away.
Hi, Brandi….So glad you stumbled on this site. Actually, after my husband, Bob, died on May 7th, it took me about a month of internet searching to find everyone here. I couldn’t believe it when I joined in and found the wonderful friends I have made here. I really think my husband guided me here cause he knew the difficulties I’ve been having. Definitely made a big difference dealing with those feelings of emptiness and isolation. I do understand what you are going through with family differences. Our daughter went through a horrendous divorce after her first marriage with custody battles I have never seen the likes of. Her 11 year old son, my grandson, does not want to see us any longer because of the influence from his father. This has been going on for years and it still goes on. It’s heartbreaking. Our daughter has remarried, but the nightmare of her first marriage and subsequent custody battle still affects the family. My husband told me many times throughout our marriage,” Sometimes, when you’re at your wits end and don’t know what to do, it’s just better not to do anything at all.” I’ve used that analogy many times and have let things evolve on their own. I guess that’s what I’m doing now with the loss of Bob….letting things evolve at their own pace. Haven’t made a whole lot of progress, though, but I’m doing the best I can with the circumstances I’m left with. Stay with us. We’ll hold on to and comfort one another as best we know how. At least you’re among friends that have experienced a loss like no other, and we do know what that involves. Believe me!
Kate…Funny you should mention “retail therapy!” Our daughter is definitely going through “something” since her daddy died. You just gave me a “light bulb moment” and now I realize all her shopping lately stems from losing her dad. That’s it! I feel so bad for her. She not only lost her dad, but she has been witnessing some pretty intense emotions from her mama, as well. Bob was, and will always be, our #1 guy. There isn’t anyone in the world like him. Like I’ve said before, he was the stabilizing force within the family. The rock. You’re right, Kate, it is a very hollow game. Oh, and by the way, Steve loves the beautiful little shoes you bought for his daughter. Wear his rings and cross with pride and, most of all, love. To me, wearing them symbolizes his memory and the love you both have for one another. You have a beautiful soul and I’m glad our paths have crossed in this lifetime.
Norma, Did you make it to your dad’s all right? We’re anxious to hear all about your adventure going home.
Niki, I’m thinking of you and please post when you can. Let all of us know how you are doing.
Love and hugs to all of you.
It’s now going on 6:00 a.m., Saturday morning.
Lori, Thinking of you…. it’s Saturday….I just went through my “Friday.” All of you would be proud of me dealing with the lawyer, the appraiser, the bank, and everyone else that materializes when an event like this happens. Getting lots of “advice” to sell, to stay, to remodel, to do this, to do that, and I’m not going to make any big decisions for at least six months. Those big decisions not only affect me, but our daughter, as well.
Corinne….thank you so much for allowing this site to be available to me, as well as everyone who has found this beautiful sanctuary. Marilyn
I came across this site a few days ago. I have been coming back daily to read the post. My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer March 12 th 2010 and passed June 5th. It has been really busy since then.I have a lot of support and friends but they have there own lives. During the week I can keep myself busy with work but the this is the first weekend that I have been alone. I miss him so much and I try not to cry but I can’t help it. He has been such a big part of my life for the passed 29 years.He always decided what we would do. I feel so lost without him. Reading the posts I am realizing that my feelings are normal. When I am with people I feel he should be with me so I want to be home. When I am home I have to much time to think. When I think about him being gone I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I was able to tell him I loved him and he told me he loved me. I keep telling myself that he did not suffer as long as he could have but that doesn’t help emptiness everyone says it get easier but right now I don’t see how. Thanks for letting me vent to people that are going though the same thing. Cathy
Hi Cathy:
I understand how you are feeling, I too go to work to have something to focus on other than my grief. I lost my love on May 21st and people tell me I am doing “so well” to be able to be back at work; I had started a new job only 3 days before Dave died and returned to work 10 days after his death. My new employer in kindness told me I should take more time and I had to explain it was kinder to let me work.
I hate weekends, I keep thinking “oh maybe WE should…” and then my chest aches, the palpitations start and my eyes tear up knowing there is no WE left in my life. My empty shell goes through motions of normalacy; I shop for a few groceries, do laundry, spend time with the grandchildren and sometimes claim being tired from a long week so I can retreat to my room, wrap myself in his sweater and hold the urn of his ashes.
Last Tuesday, I had to attend a business dinner—it was with 4 colleagues all of whom are lovely people, the resaurant was one of the best in the city and renowned for its menu—I sat there in forced conversation feeling like I was eating sawdust! Nothing seems to be what it was when I was WE.
I had retired in 2005 when Dave first took ill and needed full-time care, as his condition deteorated further, I could no longer provide the level of care he needed and he was admitted to a long term care facility. Until last August I still spent all of my days with him, I ate more meals at the nursing home than at my apartment. I sold our house to provide funds for his care and in some ways it was a blessing in that I don’t have to face spaces that were his. Last August it was necesary for me to return to work and again, perhaps the Lord was looking out for me so that I would have some type of focus now.
Yesterday, was the first day I went back to the care facility where Dave had lived—I wanted to do something to recognize the staff and residents as they had all been so good to us. They were having a tea yesterday so I committed to providing the refreshments. I thought I would be able to go and help but as it turned out, I walked in the door with boxes of prepared food and found myself looking for Dave. In tears, I apologized for not being able to stay; one of the staff took me aside and we talked. I expressed to her how I somtimes think that I am doing okay and then I seem to crash. I suppose unlike some, it is easier for me in that Dave was in care for so long; I went through the not being able to sleep in our room, walk into his workshop, open his side of the bathroom vanity etc. when he went into care. As those clothes were not wheelchair friendly, were of no use to him, I donated themn to charity when I sold the house. His tools, sporting equipment and such also went at that time so I was left only having to deal with 5 boxes of his belongings that were packed up by the nursing staff and my son. 5 DAMNED BOXES and an urn; that was all that was left of his 66 years life! I suppose it should have been a small job to unpack those boxes but it took me 3 weeks and a full box of Kleenex to be able to face it. I disposed of much of it, donated the videos and books to the library at the home, kept his cardigans to help me imagine his arms around me, and put his glasses and bottle of cologne on my bedside table. On really bad days at home, I put a little dab of it on the sleeve of his sweater and then put it on—so what if yesterday neighbours or family thought I was crazy wearing a wool cardigan in 78 degree weather.
Anyway, Cathy, my only advice to you is do whatever you can do to comfort yourself. My best comforting advice came from my 12 year old granddaughter who told me that “at least in heaven Poppa will be able to walk again” and that she knows he is looking out for us.
Try to take care of yourself; I keep thinking that if I go through the motions of life someday I will wake up to find out that I am actually living again.
Gina
Hello friends, Cathy we welcome you with open arms. We are all experiencing the same emotions and reality. You actually hit on a touchy subject for me–getting out with people and feeling like I want to be home because my husband isn’t there with me. That is so hard to deal with. Brandi, persevere through this–we will listen. Marilyn, my beautiful friend, thank you for thinking of me. I think about you and all my online friends everyday and wonder how everyone is doing. I often wonder if we ever cry at the same time of day–if there is that much of a connection to the energy in the universe for us. I”m mucking through this weekend the best I can. What choice do I have? What choice do any of us have but to keep on going. Thank you for all the support and encouragement. Love and hugs, Lori
Hello All!!!
Thanks for the open arms here. I found a chat room right after my husband died for young widows, and the people seemed so rude. I feel sort of bad for my last post, just venting I guess. It is just so hard, and so new. I wish there was a widows guide for a speedy recovery…but of course, there is no way there could be. I lost my job on March 26th and a couple days after that we took our 5 year old to Disney on Ice. We had such a wonderful time. That night he started feeling bad, but refused to see a doctor. As the days went on he said he was slowly feeling better and contemplated on seeing the Doctor. He was rubbing his chest alot and the more I begged him to go, he just said, I will get over it, nothing big. But 3 days later he was gone. It sucked and the image of him in our bed the way he looked after over 16 hours was horrific. I just remember falling on the floor at the foot of our bed Screaming No No No. I didn’t know what to do. I called my dad in Illinois, like there was anything that he could have done for me here, but then again I had just lost my mind. He did calm me down and make me think rational, so maybe that is what Joe (my husband ) wanted me to do. Since his death, I took the last shirt that he wore out of the hamper ( his last outfit was the only thing in it) that smelled just like him and I sleep with it every night. It is amazing to me how well the kids have coped and gone on with their lives. My 5 year old says she sees him all the time, and tells me that he is right beside me, or he is rubbing my back or that he is touching my hand telling me to stop crying. Oh to have the strength she does. He always told me that he envied me because of how strong I am, but that strength has seemed to vanish. Our anniversary was less than a month and a half after his death and his birthday is in August, he would have been 50. My old employer is helping me with the probate, and told me yesterday that I needed to get my resume ready because he spoke to an attorney in town looking for someone and he referred me to them. Going back to work is almost scary, but maybe it is what I need. I was gonna go back to waiting tables, like it did in my earlier single mom days, being that this is such a small town and there are no jobs. I feel as if my husband knew that I didn’t want to step back again. Before I moved to Colorado I worked in Law Offices and then went on to Microsoft, and when I got here all I could find is waiting tables. That is what I did for 5 years. Eventually managed a bar then to insurance. Finally back in my niche of law, but money got tight and the paychecks were months late. So maybe my husband had a hand in this oppertunity. My 10 year old said that he came to her in a dream. I think I believe her. She was telling me things she would not know. She told me about my plans for the deed of the house and what was going on. She told me that he said that he will always be at home with us, protecting us and taking care of mom, he told her that he wanted me to be happy and that he was going to help me find someone that would make me happy. That came as a shock, because he always told me that if he died he wanted me to stay single. But I believe her, because he told her that he was going to choose the person. That is just amazing, but i don’t know if I could ever be with another.
You all are so great and so strong. This site, I think is going to help me so much. I am glad that I have found you all. Suffering alone is hard, but having support is great.
thank you all for accepting me…it really does mean the world to me.
Brandi & Others
My Stevens 5oth will be the 4th of July and it will be the first Birthday without him. He also passed away of Sudden Cardiac Arrest at home here with my 10 year old daughter and I. My heart goes out to you that you had to find your beloved the way you did and I am so very sorry for your loss. We all have very painful stories some sudden and unexpected deaths, others witnessing profound suffering, but one thing we all have in common is loss.
I am still taking it day by day, trying to figure out what my purpose is here on Earth and how long it will be before my earthly life will end. For a long time I felt so one would understand until I found this site. I no longer feel all alone. I have been posting many months and although I do not post as frequently as I used to- I do read every post. I like to hear how EVERYONE is doing, the new comers and those who have been on the site for a while now. Lately I just keep drifting in and out of sadness, anger, guilt and I’m not sure there will ever be a day when I am not thinking of my Steven. God Knows how much I loved him and I try real hard to keep the Faith that someday we will be together again because I want more than the 22 years we had together. I sat at the cemetary the other day by his grave where he was buried and I begged God to raise him from the grave (as Jesus rose from the grave) to just see him one more time. So that I could tell the world God is Almighty and Powerful and show all of the Non believers GOD does exist. Then I thought Ok maybe I should not be praying for this because after all, how many people would do such a thing? I know Believing is seeing, and seeing is not believing but sometimes I try to test my faith and that is a pretty tall order I am sure most will agree:-)
You need not worry about me friends I have not lost my marbles, but I tell you I would give anything to just see him one more time, to be able to at least say goodbye. Then I think How cruel is this- how could he be taken away from us so suddenly and we do not even get the chance to say good-bye. I mean really is that to much to ask? I know some day it will all be revealed to me- why we were not given that chance, but that is what hurts most. No warning- such shock- perfectly fine and healthy and then BAM he’s gone. It just never even occurred to me he was dying- to this day I still can’t get past the Shock and it has been 10 months . That last hour of his life plays through my head every day- multiple times and no matter what I try and do I can’t get it out of my head. I think I could start to accept and do better if I could just somehow stop this from happening I have tried to replace it the minute it starts with Happy memories but my mind won’t go back until it has run its cycle- like a Bad movie- similar to Ground Hog Day. So I must seek profesional counseling because I am stuck at a point I can’t seem to get past and I need to progress in my journey of grief.
Just wanted to let everyone know I am still reading your posts and sending you Love!
Denise..
In reading your story it is almost a mirror image of mine & I am so grateful that someone is feeling exactly as I do. My husband of 19 years also died of Sudden Cardiac Arrest & it was like OK baby see you in a bit & you just take for granted that he will be home in a couple of hours but he never made it. I still go over and over the last conversation; the last time I spoke with him & I am wondering could it all have been prevented. I find out later from some of his friends that he had been complaining of “heartburn” & had chest pains but he never told me & at one point I was furious at him for not telling me b/c I would have rushed him to the ER but I try not to linger on “what ifs”. He was only 44; (so am I ) I just never imagined my life without him. We had planned on our retirement and all the things we wanted to do with our lives in our old age. I guess that is why this has been sooo hard for me because I always believed he would live as long as his Dad (84 when he died) and I would live as long as my Mom (still living @ 86). I have been with this man all of my adult life and I don’t know how to move on… I don’t want to move on. I would love to have him back with me and I also begged God to let me just tell him once more that I love him.
I try not to be angry, sad & heartbroken but all of these feelings keeps me in turmoil.
It has only been a month yesterday & I have been searching everywhere for some understanding on why this happened? Friends, co-workers even my minister has said that God doesn’t make mistakes but I just don’t believe that right now.. My husband was a fun-loving, kind & generous to a fault and he has never met anyone who didn’t instantly like him. He went out of his way to ALWAYS help anyone he could. Now tell me how can God take away someone soo giving just like that ?
I feel so alone & lost its like OK he’s gone …..now what? I just want everything to go back to the way it was but I know that isn’t going to happen & I know that’s what I’m afraid of.
I’m posting a little later than the” normal” today, as I have had a disagreement with my twin sister. She asked me today why I’m up all hours of the night and don’t go to bed. Told her I don’t want to go into the bedroom right now and she responded with…”Well, you’re going to have to face it sometime!!!” What is that? I told her I don’t have to face anything at any time if I don’t want to and, of course, that lead to the block wall that comes up every time something like that is said. Also, when I told her that the final days of Bob’s life go over and over in my head and I can’t stop thinking about them, she said, “Why do you do that to yourself? Just think happy thoughts.” What is that? I was then COMPELLED TO EXPLAIN to her that my husband did exist in my life for almost 32 years and you just don’t erase them from your memory with “happy thoughts!” This is not a happy time. It’s miserable. It’s empty. It’s confusing. It’s painful.
Denise….I truly related to your statement about those repetitive thoughts and the “cycle” you go through. I feel I’m going out of my mind replaying those last days. They start with April 4th, Easter Sunday. IT IS just like the movie Groundhog Day. Thank you for putting that in perspective for me. I torture myself with every detailed moment until the end. I don’t sleep for that reason. I’m glad you decided to rejoin the group because your input helped me a lot. You know, I hear from well meaning friends and family, “You’ll get over it. It’s going to take some time.” I don’t want to get “over it!!” You are not alone and we are all here with you. It’s true, when you read the stories of our friends here, we’re not only sharing grief and emptiness, but friendship, as well. Everyone’s love and support has sustained me this past six weeks. This is my sanctuary, my retreat from the hell I have been thrust into. It truly sustains me. I wasn’t aware that Bob (my beloved) was dying either. The doctors told us otherwise and then he was gone! I know how you feel; I know what you feel. We just have to take this a day at a time. I can only hope and THINK that this is a temporary separation and we will reunite after my labors are completed here on Earth. Please remember all of us look forward to hearing from one another and you are never alone.
Hi Brandi…Just a note to let you know we are all here for you. All of us have to vent in one way or another and there is no better place than here to do that. You are not alone; we suffer with you. You know, I had one and only one conversation with my husband about 10 days before he passed. I always knew he wanted cremation, but didn’t know what he wanted us to do with his urn. He wanted to stay with us and protect us, as well, and that’s where he is….at home…. watching over us like he always did. Please accept my love and strength and stay here with us. We will all hold onto one another and try to “weather this storm” as only we know how to do. It’s not what any of us wanted, but here we are.
Dear Gina, Five boxes and a box of Kleenex. Boy, I’m not looking forward to deciding what stays and what goes. I’m not able to part with anythingf yet. Wrapping yourself in Dave’s cardigans makes perfect sense to me no matter what the weather. Neighbors, friends and family haven’t a clue what we are going through, so you just keep on dabbing his cologne on the sleeve even on the good days, if there are any. If you use it up, go and buy some more. Take care of yourself.
Hi Cathy….Read your post and I’m so glad you joined us. Very sorry to hear of your loss and, believe me, we all know the pain you are in. Lost my husband on May 7th to lung cancer. He was misdiagnosed for over a year and even though I could see he wasn’t improving with all the medicine and treatments, I truly thought they were going to cure him of his “fractured rib” and his “pneumonia.” You’ve come to the right place for kindness, love and understanding. We are all normal. We’re going through one of the most, if not the most, traumatic events of our life. No one can possibly know how devastating and life shattering it is unless they’ve endured it themselves. That’s why we’re all here for one another, so we can understand why we feel the way we feel and why we do what we do. Maybe it’s not normal to some….but it’s certainly normal to us. Thank goodness we have one another to turn to.
Dearest Lori….I’ll always remember you were the first one to post me after I had joined in the group on June 4th. You told me how you had sobbed after you read by story. I will never forget that. I know we cry at the same time. You may live in Minnesota but I feel you’re right here beside me. Thank you for being here for me. I KNOW what today is. I’ve already wished my Bob a Happy Father’s Day. Not looking forward to the “bad daddy day” our daughter will be facing. Not our choice, but here it is. Hope you feel my support, friendship and love, today and always.
I wish all of us could be here in my home right now, just hold hands and talk and talk and talk….maybe even laugh a little, if that’s possible. I know we could fill some voids and empty feelings. But, that’s what we do here each day. To everyone corresponding here, I send you lots of love, support and a big teddy bear hug.
Marilyn
Hi all !
Marilyn, as how my grandmother put it you never get over…you just learn to cope. I sleep in our bed, and both of my grandmothers still sleep in he same bed as thier husbands did, as I do. One even lost hers in the same bed. They both told me they would want it that way. I just said I feel comforted there, I feel better, my friends tell me that is morbid. Then again, they have never been through this.
Argueing with my 5 year old last night and both of us smelled his scent for a brief second…although it felt longer. I started to go through his clothes, but ended up putting them all back and started wearing his t-shirts.
If there really is a Hell, this must be it. Losing your life mate. Raising your kids alone.
It was 118 degrees out side yesterday and 102 so far today, without our air conditioner that his mother stole after his death, it is sweltering. We plan to get out his craft bag (something he loved to do with our daughter) so she can make him something to take to his grave. It says it should be in the 90′s tommorrow so we may delay it a day.
I too have asked God to bring him back to me one last time. So, you are not crazy there. I have yelled at him to get out of the casket, out of the ground and to come fix things and mow the yard.
I know we all must be strong to be able to make it to our computers to post and not curled in a fetal postion waiting for the men in the clean white coats to come take us away.
Ladies, you are where I am getting my strength from right now, and I love you all. I too wish there was a way we could all be together, maybe sitting in my grape vineyard just helping each other.
Love, Brandi
Hello, to all my friends….
Today lived up to its expectations. First off, I’m feeling somewhat guilty right now because of the disagreement I had with my sister over her comment about having to” face going into the bedroom sometime.” She is a very good person, but she says things that I don’t receive well and I get defensive. Why should I have to feel guilty or be defensive for feeling the way I do….griefstricken? I’m not “on the same page” with a lot of people right now except for our daughter and my friends right here.
Well, I hope all of us got through Father’s Day unscathed. Noticed daughter, Rebecca, very quiet and looked like she was off in some far away place. I know she had to have been reflecting the many years she had with her dad. Don’t have to face this one again for another year. Now, the next “biggie” will be 4th of July. No plans for us this year….just another day of living with a heavy heart. Existing. Spoke with my son-in-law’s sister today who used to be a nurse. I told her of the many troubles I’ve been experiencing with sleep and the constant repetitive thoughts I have about Bob. She did make me feel a little better telling me there is no time limit when it comes to the grieving process….just to take each day as it presents itself. There are no instruction manuals for this one and no timeline to tell us when we’re all going to feel somewhat “normal” again.
Later today, I’m faced with seeking someone to appraise our house. Also, can’t take Bob’s name off the bank account as the bank wants me to appear in person, which I’m not currently able to do, So, it looks like I’m going to have to make arrangements to hire a notary public to come to my home and notarize the documents they need; I have managed to retain a lawyer for filing the Death of Joint Tenant, etc. On top of that, we had some construction work done on the house a few months before Bob’s cancer made it impossible for him to maintain and I’ve just been informed it all has to be redone because the contractor we hired (recommended by one of our neighbors) did not do the work properly. It’s a long story, but made very short, we planned to convert the garage into an office for Bob. What a mess. He would not have been happy over this outcome. I sigh a lot. Read something a while back that when you feel overwhelmed and all the stress is getting the best of you, close your eyes, SMELL THE ROSE AND BLOW OUT THE CANDLE. I tried it and, believe it or not, it helped a little. To me, all of us are like pretty flowers trying to blossom and flourish under the most adverse conditions and our friendships will be the nourishment we need to survive. We found our way to one another. To me, it’s a sign that can’t be ignored.
May God keep us and our loved ones healthy, strong, sound and safe. Lots of hugs and love to everyone.
Marilyn
Hello friends. Well, I’m here to say we got through the weekend. It feels like a dream somewhat and I am glad it’s over.
Denise, I am concerned for you–but also thankful you are self-aware to know if you need to seek professional counseling. I often ponder this myself and seem to talk myself out of it because “it’s only been ___ (number) of months, I’m giving myself a break”. Let us know if it is helpful.
Gina, I cannot bear to depart with anything yet–what courage you have. That is very admirable. Everything is exactly how he left it, even his shoes are in the same place. Maybe removing these things would help me heal I just don’t know.
Brandi, I sleep with my husband’s t-shirt under my pillow. I fall asleep with it in my fingers each night. He has a set of 3 necklaces he has worn for over 20 years and that is what smells just like him. I smell those everyday.
Dearest Marilyn, I’m so sorry your sister is lacking empathy for you right now. Sometimes people say things because they also feel so bad and do not want to hurt any longer and you are just a reminder of the pain. I found that with all my brothers-in-law. My husband has 8 brothers and though they don’t say anything hurtful, they just cannot bring themselves to come over or call to see how we are doing. Some cannot even look at his picture yet. You will know when you are ready to take those baby steps into the office or whatever. Like I said earlier, I am not ready to change a thing yet. I just trust myself to know. Right now it is ok to be in the emotional place I am.
Love to all, Lori
So much pain. It’s just not fair. I’m so sad reading all these posts but also comforted on many many levels.
Yesterday I met a girl who lost her husband two years ago. We had different situations, different messes to mop up, different reactions and made different progress (to date) but we both lost our young, energetic, healthy, swarthy, European, handsome, protective husband’s instantly, without saying a proper goodbye and with 10 month old babies to bring up alone.
I just can’t believe a day won’t go by without be being reminded in some way of the tragedy that has struck us.
I can laugh, I can have fun even, and it’s only two months, but all of a sudden, like the background music in a restaurant changing, or a tv station being changed, my mind switches to the reality. He’ll never do this with us, he’ll never enjoy this, we’ll never share these moments together again.
People who have not suffered loss have no idea what it’s like. I was in that bubble. It’s amazing while it lasts isn’t it.
I was given a book by an Indian guru, Swami Muktananda, who my relatives follow, and he believes we are all given a time limit when we arrive. Our day of death is predetermined, to the minute. It’s an interesting concept and in hindsight it makes some sense if I think about it form that perspective.
My husband was told by a palm reader he would live until he was 38. He told everyone at hid 40th birthday he could now celebrate because effectively the palm reader was wrong. He died a month later (myocarditis, from a virus, with no warning). Maybe the palm reader was just a little inaccurate, but not far off.
I used to see clairvoyants and palm readers, always hoping to find out when I would meet my husband. They all told me I would live a very long life. I don’t want to do it without Steve. I know I can, but why should I have to have this pain tucked in to my heart forever.
Why do I have to keep explaining to my daughter why she doesnt had a daddy?
I have had bereavement counselling and I do think it helped. I went three times from the 3-4 week mark. I wanted to take all steps possible to make sure I was progressing down a healthy path, not a destructive one. I do recommend it if you can find a “bereavement” counsellor. They are quite specifically trained which I do think is important. Some counsellors are just annoying and you need to move on if you don’t like one you meet and try a new one. When you find a chemistry with one, I think it’s better.
Thanks for all your friendships and support lovely ladies, Kate x
Hello to my wonderful friends….
It’s been a very hectic day. I find myself doing the things I’m supposed to be taking care of but without much thought. Like, I’m in a daze. Many things have to be tended to and and I’m just not focused on anything but the fireplace mantle and Bob’s resting place. Does this ever end? The partial demolition of our garage starts tomorrow and that will feel like a demolition to my soul. The conversion to an office for him is no more. How will I muddle through this one? Didn’t even call an appraiser today for the house. Life really does go on, doesn’t it? The problem is….I’M NOT KEEPING UP!!
Maybe because I’m retired, I don’t have enough diversion to keep from dwelling on all of this. Seven weeks ago he was alive….it feels like it was ages ago when we talked, laughed….just lived. I look around me and I can see the evolvement of life without him. Don’t know when or if I will ever part with his belongings; they’re so much a part of me, so much a part of my life with him. Everything is so still, so quiet….like I’m suspended in time, unable to move forward. It’s like watching a movie that shows you flashbacks of how things were and then forwards you to your present reality. I want to put it all on “freeze frame” mode and hold onto what’s left.
Hello, dear Lori, I am in tune with your feelings. I’ve often thought I should start sorting through things; then I don’t want to because it will make me feel I have less of him here. To me, they are all I have left of him, even if it’s only materially. I don’t want him to disappear any more than what he has, so I guess I will keep things as they are for now and give myself a break, as well. Baby steps You know, we all sleep under the same moon and stars and we are connected universally. We are all walking side by side of one another and that is so comforting. So glad we’re friends. I know what the 29th next week at this time brings you. I won’t have Bob’s birthday to deal with until November 21st. Our anniversary and my birthday falling on the same day was enough. I’ve heard from Bob’s brother ONCE since his death. All I can do is shake my head. You think you know someone really well and are sure they will be there for you if something terrible happens, then come to find out that isn’t the case. I’m so grateful to have you and all my friends here on this site. After the long day is done, I always look forward to the replies from everyone here. Sending you and your children lots of hugs.
Hello, dear Kate, So nice to see your post. I was glued to the screen when I read about your interaction with the palm reader. Sometimes I want to know what’s seen in my destiny, and other times I don’t. I do know when the time is right for me and our daughter, we will be seeking our connection through a medium. Thank you for all your love and support, Kate. I wish I had the answer as to why Steve was taken from you and your daughter. It doesn’t seem fair. Always, know, though, he watches over the both of you….you’re both very precious to him. I can feel that when I read your writings. I wish you didn’t have to tuck away that pain in your heart, but what else can we do but continue to love and embrace them. Our love won’t die or be taken away. What we have to do is tuck away our husbands’ love in our hearts forever. They would want that.
Right now, it’s 3:00 a.m. pacific daylight time. As I mentioned earlier, a crew is coming in the morning to tear down what was supposed to be a “dream come true” for Bob. Right now, I have more questions in my prayers than answers.
Norma….We miss you and look forward to your post. Let us know how you’re doing once you’re settled. I’m sending you another cuddle.
A while ago, I read a poem and, for the life of me, I can’t remember its name. But, one of the verses said….If tears could build a stairway and sorrow build a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. Wouldn’t we all do that…..
Thanks everyone for the ear and the shoulder. Love, Marilyn
Oh Marilyn, it’s a big day for you with that demolition. It can take on so much meaning. I’m thinking Bob probably didn’t like shoddy work either and he certainly didn’t want his beautiful wife in something that might fall down or collapse around you bit by bit. So he may very well be behind this change. He wants you safe and cosy in the home where you shared so many memories. Think of it as him protecting you. I just wish his brother was there to support you and help out while you go to town (can someone take you?) and get away from the noise and commotion. Is there a kind friend who can mind the house for you while you get away. Unfortunately we are all learning we need to demand the help or we don’t get it the way we want it. I really hope you have people to ask. A few big cries will probably release some tension too so don’t be afraid to have a big bawl when it hits. You are doing so well and that fact that you can write all this is amazing progress.
It is all very unfair for you, me and everyone on this site. But there is sunlight and those rays will touch you again and bring some joy, probably when you least expect it. I suppose now we’ll just judge joy differently, lower our expectations and just care a little less. I really hope not for everyone’s sake.
You will not be ready yet Marilyn, but I promise you that you’ll start to add a few things in to your day that you could not do a few weeks ago or even today. But all in your own time.
My thoughts are with you. And here’s an online hug!
How’s it going Norma???
xx Kate
Hi again,
Thank you for your comments. I got through my birthday with the help of my beautiful daughter who, with out any fus, bought pizza’s for dinner and just made me feel loved. Wedding anniversary is this Sunday and I had planned to have a photo book printed. When I mentioned this, the same daughter informed me that they already had something organised. I am very blessed.
I really feel for the lady who was having trouble with her mother in law. I had some slightly similar problems at the time around my husbands death, but with his brother and 35 year old son – they effectively made me feel like an outsider – even insisting that they sleep in the hospital room, leaving no room for me. The nurses sorted this out to some extent, but knowing that these ppl were hurting meant I kept compromising and making allowances – and being walked on and abused – untill the son went through my cupboards determined to have his father’s camera… etc. Up until then they were staying in my home as they live on the other side of the country (praise the Lord!!!). At this point I told them that they needed to find a motel as I could not emotionally deal with this….. It was a good move… Joe died the next day.
Now I get the occassional txt from the son who has appologized. Its all good – but I am glad of the vast distance geographically.
Wishing you all well,
Niki
Hi All!!!
Had court today.. was named personal rep of the estate. Now his mother has neighbors involved that are stating that I took all our things. Really? Y would I call the police if I took my own things? Grow up is all I could think.
At least I have all control to get the probate moving and closed soon,… I hope.
Marilyn,
My heart aches for you right now. It has all been terrible. Looking at pictures of missing property today brought in by he police was hard, not because of the missing items, but because I had to see my husband again the way that I had found him. I couldn’t breath, I cried in silence, but it was nice to see his face sleeping in our bed. The pictures didn’t make him look like he did, instead, some looked just like he was asleep, it was the others that hurt so bad. You starting a new chapter with the demolition will be about the same for you I guess. Just like reopening a wound that is barely even thinking about closing.
To all my other lovely friends, I pray for you as well, to get through this, and I know that we all hurt. I would love to have that dream visit Joe, If you are listening and out there. I miss you my beautiful Husband.
Brandi
I don’t have to worry about probate issues or fighting over the estate. Most of our possessions, RV, boat, house, excess furniture etc were sold to help with care costs so there really isn’t anything of monetary value to argue about. As for Dave`s personal items that are left, his wedding ring sits beside his urn on my dresser on those days I can bring myself to takeit off. Usually I do so as not to lose it; someday down the road when maybe I can consider removing mine, I might have the two of them used togeter to make a pendant necklace. That might be some time from now, I have not had it off since the day Dave put it on my inger even when I had two surgeries; they told me it needed to be removed because of swellling; I told them to tape it and if there were complications they coud either cut off the ring or the finer.=
It is jusst over one month since my world became the strange place; and I keep thinking maybe I will begin to see the world again instead of this black and white setting I seem to be stuck in. I am trying to figuer out if I am grieving or depressed====maybe both.
I am fortunate that I have a good job with reasonable pay as there are so many other stressors in my life right now. My son who has MS is a single Dad of a 3 year old and not working due to his disability. My daughter is going through a horrible divorce proceedings; her soon to be ex (I HOPE SOON) had an affair with a married woman, a child resulted and he has left as my daughter developed a bleeding ulcer when she found out bout it all. When here hubby demanded dmy daughter agree to help him petition the court for custody of the baby and she was not agreeing he became very violent with her both physically and sexually. She is still triying to work her way through the separation and fear of reprisal for kicking him out.
It is so hard to see my kids in such horrible sitatuions and there is a part of me that feels guilt that Dave and I had such a good marriage and exceptional love. I am saddened to think my children may never have that but then again, they will never have to face the devastation of it ending with their partner`s death.
I decided today that men die before us as they couldn`t or wòuldn`t deal with all of the bureaucratic form, phone calls, papers, etc.
Sorry to ramble like this; I think I might talk to the doctor about an anti-depressant and see if that helps any.
Gina
Hello to all my friends …. I looked forward all day to come to Bob’s computer and hoped there would be responses to read and there was. It amazes me that we seem to get more responses here that we do from our friends or family. I love you all. Right now, I feel like I’ve suffered another death in the family. Couldn’t bear to watch the removal of Bob’s office conversion. I heard it, but couldn’t bear to watch it. At the end of the day, what was a sliding glass door (which replaced the garage door) was gone. There is a wall there, now. I remember when the door was finally installed last December, how happy Bobby was that he had a big window to look out and he loved the light it brought into the room. At least he was able to enjoy it for a few months before his illness prevented that pleasure.
You’re right, Kate, Bob didn’t know at the time of construction that there was going to be a future problem. He definitely would not have left things the way they were and I feel, as you do, that he was somehow involved with the events of today. It will take about two weeks for everything to be corrected and safe. The contractor who did the original work has “disappeared.” The new contractor seems legitimate and told me the prior work done was very shoddy. I don’t want to tell our neighbor (who recommended the first contractor) what happened to us…I’m too embarrassed to do so. She’s so pleased with her remodel, I don’t want to take that away from her. If she sees the sliding glass door gone and the wall that is there now, I will then have to explain what happened here. Anyway, the office is currently off limits for me. I can see the wall from one of our bedroom windows and that is all I can take. It’s a memory, now.
Kate, I feel Bob is watching over me and our daughter, just like Steve is watching over you and you beautiful daughter. I just “feel” it.
I’m so fortunate I have all of you to turn to. Writing my friends here has really helped me to keep going. Thank you, Kate, for being a good friend. I can feel you truly care for us and vice versa. I liked what you said that eventually I may be able to add a few things more into each day that I wasn’t able to do before. All in our own time. Baby steps, as Lori told me the other day. Thank you for the online hug. I’m sending you a big hug, too.
Dear Niki, When I read your post, I realized how much family and friends affect us. They sometimes make it very difficult and while each relative had their own unique relationship with the person we love, they just don’t realize that their actions add to our discomfort and dismay. I’ve pretty much distanced myself from everyone. My best friend of 35 years has called me ONCE!! She knew me before I met Bob!! Who can figure this one out? I haven’t called anyone since May 7th. Our daughter is my reinforcement and everyone posting here. I’ve given up trying to make excuses for those whom I thought would be supportive. We all know in our hearts who loves us and cares about us. Our husbands love and care about us. It is surprising, though, to see how some of the people we’ve known for years react the way they do. Yes, I agree, distance can be a good thing every now and then. I wish you peace and love, Niki.
Dear Brandi, You said it. Listening to all that noise today reopened a wound that has barely begun to heal. Thank you for your love and support. My heart aches for you, as well, going through what you have with the relatives and then with the pictures. Glad to hear you were named personal rep. of the estate….now, maybe everyone one will quiet down and let you do what you have to do to complete probate. It’s a process that has to take place. My heart and thoughts are with you. I do know what you’re going through. I was supposed to call the attorney two days ago and still haven’t done so. Still haven’t called an appraiser, either. Today’s events with Bob’s office was a set back. Things are changing and I’m not comfortable with those changes. It’s a problem for me. I’m sending you love and hugs. Stay strong.
Dear Gina, You described it to a tee….What a strange place we are living in now. Strange. Unknown. Actually, scary. I realize we all have to ingest all of this at our own pace. I can see some of us move on to different locations and, in a way, I envy that. I get so overwhelmed I want to wheel myself out that front door and never look back. But, then again, there are many ties attached to me. It’s frustrating. Then, I feel guilty thinking about it. I think too much. Hope all of us find our way through this one. It’s above and beyond what I every imagined. I think it’s beautiful you have his ring and urn on your dresser. Maybe, later on, you can combine both rings into a pendant. You, and only you, will know when it’s right. Just follow your heart. Our daughter, as well, went through a horrific divorce and custody proceeding. It’s so hard to see your children go through those terrible times because you love them soooo much; you just want to take away all the pain and agony they go through. Your daughter is fortunate to have your love and support. Seeing the relationship you and Dave had together will give her hope of a future with someone who will treat her with respect and dignity. I remember how stressed Bob was after our daughter’s divorce and custody battle He didn’t want her to meet anyone else in fear that person could be worse than the first. It was a real problem for him; she was “daddy’s little girl.” But, things seem to evolve in their own way and sometimes all you can do is “roll with the flow” a lot of the time. Lord knows we try to help them make the right decisions and give them the best advice, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, it’s unpredictable. Daughter, Rebecca, has remarried and is now fearing what I’m going through after losing her beloved dad. I wouldn’t wish this whole thing on anyone. Not only are we left to live in a colorless world, we have to deal with all the papers and phone calls that follow. I know my Bob would not have coped well with any of it.
It’s normal to feel the way you’re feeling. We are grieving and we are depressed. What else can we be? I know sitting here and writing to all of you helps me “get it out” knowing I’m writing to friends who are enduring the same circumstances I am. I talk to very few people. This is my comfort zone.
It’s just turning daylight in California and I’m going to try to lie down for a while. Seems sleep comes in 1/2 hour increments. My mind won’t turn off. The “cycle of events” take over. The construction people will be returning in a few hours….I dread it. So glad I have all of you to turn to.
Love, Marilyn
Hello friends, Niki you said it–we judge joy differently. What is joy now? I feel like I just get through the day and when I go to bed make a big check mark in the air to symbolize “check–another day done”. The kids are what keep me going. Marilyn, this is very difficult time for you. to see something demolished that was suppose to be joyful for your husband is heartbreaking to say the least. The finality of things is so glaring–there is no going back, no time machine to jump into and take us back where we maybe could change our situations. Brandi, I’m very happy you were named personal rep. hopefully this will end the craziness–I wish people realized it’s not about them.
Denise, Norma, MLB, how are you doing? You were the ones who got me through the really tough days in the beginning of my journey.
Cathy, how are you doing?
Love and Hugs, Lori
Blimey, I sign off for a few days, and it takes me 3 hours to catch up. I was going to have an early night, tonight as well. That’s OK ladies you are all worth it.
Gina, you first. Depression can be a strange thing, one minute you are up and the next you are down, but the key is recognising the sings and symptoms. I had a break down 4 years ago and from then on I keep an eye on my “signs and symptoms” and if they start to creep back, I remind myself, that the roller coaster of life will take me up as well as down, sometimes the downs last a lot longer than is comfortable, but coming up is good. You may need some meds to bring you to a plato. A don’t care stage, oh someone’s bumped in to my car? So what, big deal, still here aren’t I? Sanity isn’t always good for you, you know. Take the advice, and if the doc gives you meds, remember you don’t need to take them. Sometimes knowing they are there as a buffer can help keep you lifted.
Marilyn, Kate, Lori, and not forgetting Denise. It was so good to see you bring our new ladies through a tough few days, the strength you were sending out as well as cuddles could have stretched from the moon an back.
Ladies, who have found your new family. Life sucks! Don’t we know it. The emotional roller coaster (similar to the depressive one), has had you filling up quick than an alcoholics glass. I don’t mean to be flippant, but everyone here, knows what the journey has been like so far, because those who came before us, helped us along the way. I’m sure they still read our posts, and will write to us all again when they are ready. There is no steadfast rule to grief. You do your best to get through, remind yourself of what your hubby would have wanted, that’s you living your life and doing your damndest to be happy. Either finding someone new, staying single, but above all being happy.
Stay with us, we will help you through. Vent when you need to, because better out your head instead of rattling around in it.
Reliving the moments is hard, sometimes you are sitting watching a film or the news and next thing you know there is a clear picture in front of you and it isn’t the news.
The move went as smooth as it could. Dad is getting used to having the bossiest female in the family living with him, plus 2 extra cats. I feel happy, because I found Martin’s wallet. I thought I had mistakenly thrown it out months ago. Not so. I now have both Mum and Martin in my bedside cabinet, and I feel like I can move on to the next step in my journey.
sorry ladies, but it’s time for bed, 21:49 here in bonnie Dundee. I’m sorry it’ been so short and sweet, but I truly am knackered.
at least tomorrow it won’t take me so long to get through your posts.
Stay strong, thank you for the love and the hugs. For you all, my strength to you, I still have some to spare.
Much love
Normaxxx
Good on you Norma. It’s great to have you back in one piece and motivating us all as well. Dundee hey. Well I hope you play golf! You have some great courses nearby. I played a lot before I met Steve. It was a great way to spend time rather than being a “bar fly” and also a wonderful way to catch up with friends, especially all my male buddies. Hasn’t been as easy since I was pregnant and had a baby but I will pick it up again. I only played with Steve once. He was a natural at all sports. I wish I had been less lazy and busy and had made time to play with him often. I wish I wish I wish i had done a lot of things differently. Oh God I would have changed a lot if we had our time over again.
I took our daughter (aged 1) and my nephew (aged 2) to see Steve’s parents tonight. I go every week. They don’t let her go. Partly because she is their granddaughter, they love kids, and she is a piece of Steve they need to touch and adore. Steve’s mum pulled out a photo album she made last night which is full of photos of Steve since I was in his life. Steve and me, Steve and them, Steve and his kids. She made me look at every shot. It was so painful that I bawled and the kids came looking to see if i was ok. We did so much together and he looked so beautiful all the time. How must she feel having lost her one and only, sensitive, adonis son. It’s just so cruel.
I know we all feel the same way and honestly that does bring me some calm when I am sitting their in the dark, holding our daughter as she drifts off to sleep and I wonder why this happened to us. I then realise it’s not just us, it’s many lovely, kind women who didn’t deserve such hardship.
Brandi well done on the probate. You didn’t need any of that nasty chapter. The challenges are immense enough aren’t they.
Marilyn I hope today was easier than yesterday. None of it’s right. It’s all macabre stuff but you know we are still all here for you.
Lori I know what you mean about the kids keeping you going. When I am with our daughter I feel safe. This poor little baby is going to be pitied, spoilt and expected to be my saviour!! No I will do all I can to make life as normal as possible but how much do I want her to had a man she can call her Dad like I did. It just sucks.
Now I mentioned my friend has started dating a guy who lost his wife last year to cancer. Well it is hotting up. She was worried that he was dating far too soon but I told her that it’s very individual and if he thinks he’s ready, he must be, and leave it at that. He was spoken about his wife a lot already, even shed a tear, but is very very keen on my friend and is including her in all matters of his life very fast. It’s divine. I really hope she can cope with the grief he’ll always carry deep inside. His counsellor told him that grieving can work in 9 month cycles (relating somehow to the gestation period of a human) and he was told he would feel a shift at 9 months. He says he has. Bring on those happier feelings.
Love you all lovely lovely ladies. Night!
Kate x
Kate:
When my husband’s very dear aunt died, my husband was furious to discover within a period of only about 6 or 7 months that Doug was engage and the wedding was to take place almost immediately. My husband thought it was horrible and a slap in the face to his aunt who had been a devoted wife for over 25 years. He said he couldn’t understand it as his aunt and uncle had always been happy and very loving; said they could have been poster figures promoting marriage . I suggested that Doug was in fact honoring his late wife, not demeaning her, by these quick developments. I suggested that the happiness Doug had enjoyed while marriage was perhaps something he was so content in that he couldn’t bear to not have a wife to share life with him. I reminded my husband that there are some men who would have been quite relieved after 25 years of marriage to find themselves alone but Doug saw marriage a partnership and joy he was not able to bear losing. It was enough he had lost his dear Florence, he needed to salvage some part of his life and this his actions were in fact a tribute to Florence and she had made marriage a sitution that was desirable and yearned for.
Also, my day at work was a stressfull one; a part of my job involved contaating the Director of the local hospice house to discuss updating our collaborative booklist and brochure. Anyway, I did get compile some good titles that may be helpful to some or you so I thought I would share them with you.
Title:A grief like no other : surviving the violent death of someone you love
Author:O’Hara, Kathleen A., 1953-
Call Number:155.937 OHA
Title:A new kind of normal : hope-filled choices when life turns upside down
Author:Kent, Carol, 1947-
Call Number:248.86 KEN
Title:Becoming myself : living life to the fullest after the loss of your parents
Author:Butler, Shari.
Call Number:155.937 BUT
Title:Beyond tears : living after losing a child
Author:Barkin, Carol.
Call Number:155.937 BEY
Title:Comfort : a journey through grief
Author:Hood, Ann, 1956-
Call Number:155.937092 HOO
Title:Counselling for grief and bereavement
Author:Humphrey, Geraldine M.
Call Number:155.937 HUM
Title:Facing death, embracing life : understanding what dying people want
Author:Kuhl, David
Call Number:155.937 KUH
Title:Final journeys : a practical guide for bringing care and comfort at the end of life
Author:Callanan, Maggie.
Call Number:616.029 CAL
Title:Healing your grieving heart for teens : 100 practical ideas : [simple tips for understanding and expressing your grief]
Author:Wolfelt, Alan D.
Call Number:155.937 WOL
Title:Living with grief and loss
Author:Murphy, Judy, 1942-
Call Number:155.937 MUR
Title:Loss, trauma, and resilience : therapeutic work with ambiguous loss
Author:Boss, Pauline.
Call Number:155.937 BOS
Title:My grandma died : a child’s story about death and loss
Author:Britain, Lory.
Call Number:155.937 BRI
Title:Parenting a grieving child : helping children find faith, hope, and healing after the loss of a loved one
Author:Poust, Mary DeTurris.
Call Number:248.866 POU
Title:Still here with me [eBook] : teenagers and children on losing a parent
Author:Myers, Margaret.
Call Number:155.937083 STI
Title:The alchemy of loss : a young widow’s transformation
Author:Carter, Abigail.
Call Number:155.937092 CAR
Title:The angel letters : lessons that dying can teach us about living
Author:Fried, Norman J.
Call Number:155.937 FRI
Title:The colors of grief : understanding a child’s journey through
loss from birth to adulthood
Author:Di Ciacco, Janis A.
Call Number:155.937 DIC
Title:The end-of-life handbook : a compassionate guide to connecting with and caring for a dying loved one
Author:Feldman, David B.
Call Number:616.029 FEL
Title:The five ways we grieve : finding your personal path to healing after the death of a loved one
Author:Berger, Susan A.
Call Number:155.937 BER
Title:The gift of grief : finding peace, transformation, and renewed life after great sorrow
Author:Gewirtz, Matthew D.
Call Number:204.42 GEW
Title:The grief club : the secret to getting through all kinds of change
Author:Beattie, Melody.
Call Number:155.937 BEA
Title:The grief recovery handbook : the action program for moving beyond death, divorce, and other losses including health, career, and faith
Author:James, John W.
Call Number:152.4 JAM [also in eBook format]
Title:The heart does break : Canadian writers on grief and mourning
Author:Baird, Jean.
Call Number:155.937 HEA
Title:The journey through grief and loss : helping yourself and your child when grief is shared
Author:Zucker, Robert.
Call Number:155.937 ZUC
Title:The seven T’s : finding hope and healing in the wake of tragedy
Author:Collins, Judy, 1939-
Call Number:155.937 COL
Title:The voice that calls you home : inspiration for life’s journeys
Author:Raynor, Andrea.
Call Number:204 RAY
Title:Understanding your grief : ten essential touchstones for finding hope and healing your heart
Author:Wolfelt, Alan.
Call Number:155.937 WOL
Title:What should I say, what can I do? : how to reach out to those you love
Author:Feldbaum, Rebecca Bram.
Call Number:155.937 FEL
Title:When children grieve : for adults to help children deal with death, divorce, pet loss, moving, and other losses
Author:James, John W.
Call Number:155.93 JAM
Hope that some of these might help; I just finished a ficiton book, I Know Why the Angels Dance” by Bryan Davis—-very Christian contet but I found some comfort in reading it.
Gna
Hello everybody,
I am trying to catch up with things. I have a couple of days off. I lead a very active, busy life. It has helped me to get thru the last two years and five months. It gives me a purpose as to why I am living. By taking my classes, I am re-creating a future for myself. When, my sweet Barry left, everything came crashing down. It was terrible. Since I am a Capicorn (western world) and an Ox (eastern world)…I take charge of myself. It took a lot of tears and grieving, but I made it Ladies! The dreams that Barry and I have together are coming into reality with my classes. Eventually, I hope my heart will be open up again.
I had a music night at my Sacred Circle on Wednesday. I was so tired after work. I went thru my CDs combing for a piece of music that would mean so much spiritually.
My Barry had given me a CD, when we first met put together by Eric the Flutemaker. It came popping up at me. I was looking at the name and I told myself..that there is only one Eric the Flutemaker that I know!!! I just purchased a bamboo flute from him. It is a Kiowa Love Flute. I am practicing on the flute…so oneday that I can play my music of love, as I walk thru my life and all the animals and people will hear. Eric lives here in South Florida. He grows his own bamboo to make the flutes. I felt Barry touching my shoulder. I was very weepy to say the least. Everything that Barry and I spoke about spiritually is coming around in a complete circle. I give my thanks for all lessons learned.
I hope that I will be able to open up again, like the Lotus Flower with my heart and spirit shining. As I walk my path, as a caterpillar…then emering out from a crystillized pulp into a wonderful new butterfly…I am living.
I AM,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
It has been 3 months today and I am still numb and don’t want to believe that Paul is gone. I hate Friday’s as everyone at work is hurrying to get ready for the weekend. I am tired of people asking me “Where are you going on vacation?” You need to get away. Who do you go with when you used to go with your husband, best friend? Don’t they get you don’t just pick up with people and go on vacation and have a good time? Maybe it is me. Maybe I am the one that doesn’t understand.
I miss him and it is hard to learn to live a new life without him overnight. I hate not having him here and feel like I don’t have much of a future. What fun is planning it all by yourself? I guess I will get acustomed to being alone; but it is going to take time.
I keep praying that I hang in there and have the patience and strength to keep going. I am not happy with being single; but have not choice and I guess that is part of the trouble I am struggling with – I did not choose this!
Bless you all for having the patience to listen. I pray for all your strength.
Karen
I too am recently widowed only 31 days ago & I completely understand your feelings. I hate Friday’s to for that same reason. How do you look forward to the weekend when the 1 person who you spent all your time with your husband & best friend is no longer around? I still miss Brian and it has not been easy these last few weeks and I just cannot imagine going another day feeling like this.
I thank God for this sight that allows me to post my frustration and see that I am not alone.
I hate thinking about being alone & everyone keeps saying “You’re so young still (44) ..—–you can remarry….I DON’T WANT TO REMARRY……. I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!!”
I have been with this man ALL of my adult life since I was 21 and we have been married for 19 years would have celebrated our 20th and I hate that we didn’t get a chance to do any of the things we planned. I don’t know if I will ever get use to feeling alone. I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!
Just keep me in your prayers
Norma, I will keep you in my prayers. Understand completely. I have the added stress of my 30 yr old son with his 2 and 3-1/2 year old son going through a divorce. His wife left him one month after my husband died. Now I am expected to be the strong one. He tells me I don’t understand. I feel my family is being very selfish and not allowing me my time to grieve. I don’t have the support from them. I am tired of being the one that has to hold everything together. I need help and support now and don’t feel I am getting it. It SUCKS! I feel used and alone. Paul was the only one that treated me special and took my feelings under consideration and now he is gone and I have no one to lift me up. I hate my life.
Ladies, just keep me in your prayers. I am not usually a negative person and now don’t even like who I am. I know that this will pass; but I can’t wait for the day when I feel like myself again. Will it ever happen?
Karen and Norma,
I lost my husband suddenly three months ago. I feel the same way you do. I hate evenings and weekends. We always had these great plans for the weekends and everything just ended. I am so angry all the time. People talking about their big plans and their vacations and I just want to yell at them. I hate life now. I can’t seem to accept any of this. I cry all the time and scream when I am alone. How do you go on when you lose your best friend and soul mate. We did everything together. I never even went to the grocery store without him. Its like I keep having to do all these things for the first time. I didn’t ask for this and I don’t want it, I just want my husband back. So everytime someone says can I do anything for you I look at them and say NO you can’t because all I want his my baby back. Everyone just keeps saying oh you will be better with time it just takes time…. where is the fast forward button then. I don’t think there is enough time in the world to take away the pain in my chest.
I am glad I found you all. My daughter told me last night I just want my mommy back. What do you say to that.
Sooo ……….sorry LeAnn
Your daughter is just feeling your pain. It is a comfort to know that our feelings are “normal” but I too would like a fast forward button because I can’t imagine feeling like this daily.
I am so tired some days & its a struggle to get up & go to work. If I don’t though I’m afraid I would lose my mind in the house all day thinking about how much I miss my husband & friend who I know is NOT coming back.
LeAnn do you get out & try to occupy your time? I work in an office with just 1 other person so I have the freedom to break down & cry if it becomes to much but getting out does help. I still haven’t been able to leave the house but to go to work but its been OK… my sons, 25 yrs old keeps trying to get me to do things but I don’t think I’m quite there yet. My youngest son, who is 15 ,watches me everywhere I go so I try not to cry as much when he is around but his uncles picked him up last night for the yearly summer outing so I’m alone (FINALLY) and I can have a good cry without fearing that someone will hear me & I KNOW that helps me, too.
I am glad that we have an outlet to post and respond to others that are feeling the same way we do.. LOVE YA LADIES….
I know how you feel. life really stinks at t his point in time and no one understands except all of you! I can’t stand the insensitive people at work to tell me it will pass. But, I guess in their defense they don’t know what to say to us. I guess they are just glad it didn’t happen to them.
There is so much to handle when your spouse dies let alone the loneliness.
Take care youall
Life is one big box of chocolates – oops sorry got a bit off track there. (a bit of black humor to put a little smile on your face).
I’m so tired, I think I could sleep for a week. I had coffee with a man today! I know, I can’t believe it either. He works in a different department, not even at my office, but he happened to be in the area and I suggest he go take 5 minutes to have a coffee and destress a little, so he asked me if I was coming for one too. I’ve never felt so excited, because he is manly, my type of guy, but nothing looks wise, like my huneybunch. I don’t even know if he’s single, but it made me feel alive again. I’ve no idea how to handle things now, so I’m just going to take a step back and let him make his next move. After all he did buy the coffee.
I’m sorry, if this isn’t what you are ready to hear, but I’m like the uncle in Gina’s tale. I know Martin joked that he would haunt me if I got myself a new partner, to be honest good cause it means I’ll get to feel his presence and know he is still looking out for me, but above all he wanted me to be happy. I know what it’s like to be in a loving relationship, to share my life with a man I should have grown old with. I know that I want to feel that again, but not with a man that is like my husband, but different, so I can love him for who he is and not what he represents.
I will keep you all posted for how it goes.
In the mean time, here have some strength, to get you through the weekend. For those who believe, GOD will give you some extra to keep you going, whether you ask or not. For those who don’t, then have some extra from me, because I feel good and smiled, genuinely smiled for the first time in what seems years.
Mi llama Norma. No tenga meridio. Buenes Noches mis amigos. (I’m learning Spanish).
Much love
Norma (aka theflyingpig)xxx
I need some advice. Am I going crazy or being selfish? I know I have a lot going on in my life at this time; but, I did lose my husband of 23 years only three months ago. My mother keeps telling me I have to be strong for my son who is going through a divorce. I have been there for years for him, even through my husbands illness and hospital stays over the past 7 months. It is not my fault that his wife was so insensitive and certainly not a wife and mother over the past year or so and then walked out on him and the two small children only weeks after his stepfather died.
But, my family still expects me to be strong for him and the kids as he is going through so much. I had been divorced 26 years ago and was in a similar situation to my son. I was very blesses to find Paul and have him with me over the years raising my children.
I guess, all I am asking is that my son respect me and not talk to me like I am his wife OR just recognize the fact that I just had a major loss in my life and what has happened to him and my grandchildren is an added hurt in my life.
I don’t know what I expect or want at this point. I just want the hurting to go away. Thank you all for letting me vent.
To Karen no you are not wrong… your grief is still new & how can u bring strong for someone else when you can barely be there for yourself? Your son should understand this & if you explain to him that right now you need to take care of YOU 1st. Explain it to your mother too b/c right now you can handle anymore stress in your life until you finish grieving.
Hello to all my friends….
It’s been an exhausting week for me with the destruction of my husband’s office at hand and the upcoming correction. Workmen in and out; the pounding hurts my heart. Hard to believe a few months ago he was actually sitting in there without a clue what was ahead. This is a tailspin I ‘m unable to recover from.
I sure hope everyone is sustaining as best they can. I read the posts and realize we are not alone in this upheaval to our lives.
Dear friend, Kate, I can only imagine how difficult it was looking at the photos while at Steve’s parents. Guess this is all part of the process we are destined to go through and, you’re right, none of us deserve this hardship and I sure can’t come up with any answers why it had to happen. I’m glad, though, you visit his parents each week so they can see their beautiful grandbaby. I am blessed to have our daughter through this ordeal; we’ve managed to keep one another somewhat sane. I see the glimpses of her suffering. Thank goodness for our children, not matter what their age. It must be just as hard on Steve’s mom to have lost her only son. Glad to hear you are close to his parents. You know they share your grief and, believe me, it does help to be around those who know what you’re going through. Love you.
Dear Gina, Thank you so much for the recommendations. Also, I liked your perspective on why Doug pursued a relationship so quickly. It never occurred to me that someone who treasured their marriage may want to have that bond once again. You’re so right when you said Florence made it beautiful for him, a partnership and a joy. It is a beautiful tribute to her.
Hello, to my friend Norma. We know you love us and I’m happy to hear you had something nice to talk and smile about after a long time. No one will ever criticize you for wanting to find your peace and happiness. You treasured your marriage to Martin. Thinking or wanting to share your life again may be out of the question for some, and, for others, a new beginning. Your support and love means a lot to all of us, Norma.
Keep us posted.
Mary Lotus Butterfly, I do hope your heart opens up again. You have a beautiful spirit and I enjoy reading your posts.
Hi, Karen, Read your post. I can relate to everything you are experiencing. My husband, Bob, succomed to lung cancer on May 7th, after being misdiagnosed for over 1 1/2 years! Friday’s are terrible for me, as well. Everyone making plans for the weekend and, also, May 7th was on a Friday. I’ve said this in prior posts, “I see people talking, eating, smiling, laughing and how can they do that when I’m so miserable?” “Don’t they care?” We certainly didn’t choose any of this for ourselves and I want you to know we are all here for you. One day at a time and you are not alone. And, no, you’re not being crazy or selfish with regard to your son. Right, now, I don’t even know who I am or what’s to become of me! All you can do right now, Karen, is take care of yourself as best you can under the circumstances and try to explain to family members that you’re going through a grieving process that, hopefully, they will understand. I don’t know. My best friend and only brother-in-law have become very scarce since my husband’s death. We have all suffered one of the most, if not the most, traumatic events of our lives and I’m amazed at how few “get it.” My love and support are with you.
Norma B, You are in my thoughts and prayers. I do know how difficult this “new way of life” is and none of us wanted it! My husband died 5 days short of my 32nd wedding anniversary and it’s hard for me to accept the fact that, by law, I’m single after all those years. I’M IN A PLACE I DON’T WANT TO BE! It just isn’t fair. Stay strong for all of us. We need one another’s love and support.
Sending my love to Lori. I think about you every day. Please post when you can.
As for me, I do have a plate full right now. Found out yesterday my twin sister will not be a candidate for the double total hip replacement surgery. Her bones are not strong enough to withstand it due to, not only osteoarthritis, but osteoporosis, as well. There just isn’t enough of me to go around right now. I’m depleted physically and emotionally, but I will be there for her as best I can.
You are all my online pen pals and I appreciate your love and support. You have mine, as well. Hope when I return to the computer, I’ve heard from some of you. Marilyn
Thank you for your kind words of support. I am glad that I am not the only one who envies those you still have their partners. I never expected to be spending my days alone. Thank you, also, for reminding me I am not alone. It just feels like it at times. So many people try to tell you how to feel and how come you aren’t doing “whatever.” But, they are not going through this. They don’t realize you are just getting through your days. I hope one day we will all be able to say that we are actually living and enjoying life again.
God bless.
Hi again ladies,
So.. today was the day – should have been first wedding anniversary. I’m feeling pretty low. I am blessed to have thoughtful young adult daughters, but I still feel low and a bit cranky. Seems I’m surrounded by ppl who are on antidepressants and it looks to me that they have no reason. Well… they probably do, but when I saw one today at church and asked how she was going she went into the big “oh poor me” thing and never even considered that maybe I might be needing some support also.
Read Karen’s post and get cranky for her… you have a right to grieve and I’m a bit fed up with ppl being selfish thinking that their needs are more important… we are all important and all need each others support – not one to be there for everyone… if you know what I mean.
Thought I’d share with you something that I came up with a long time ago that good friends have reminded me of. … when everything is hard, concentrate on the little things… breathe in, breathe out.
Bye for now,
Niki
Hello friends, Another weekend is almost over. I feel like I just wish time away which in turn is really wishing life away. Tim would not have wanted that for me. Someone asked me how I liked being a single mom–I was shocked by the reference because I really don’t think of myself as a single mom. I am a mom who lost her husband so I am not single by choice. Nothing against single moms–I have a lot of wonderful friends who are single parents–I just was jolted when I heard it out loud regarding me.
Karen, you do what is best for you. You are going through such an emotional loss it is important to take care of you first right now. Sad, but true, when the funeral was over everyone went back to their own reality. I have learned to accept it and understand life goes on for them. My life will never be the same, but it will go on.
Niki, My anniversary was the hardest day for me so far. I completely understand where you are coming from and how it feels. For lack of a better expression–it sucks.
Dear Marilyn, I can only imagine with each sound of a hammer or saw or demolition sound, how it reminds you of Bob. Like something is crashing all around you much like the past few weeks. I bet you just want to scream at times that this isn’t what is suppose to be happening to me! I think about you everyday and try to send positive thoughts and energy your way from me. I hope you feel it.
Sending love, hugs, and positive energy to everyone, Lori
Ladies, I can’t thank you enough for sharing your stories. I can relate to so many. I miss my husband so much. It has only been 3 weeks but it seems a lifetime. My daughter has three children and has been taking my husbands death really hard. Her and her husband have decided to separate at least for now. She is questioning about life being short and what happiness is. I feel like if I spend time with her that she will not take the time to think about her marriage and the children. At the same time I want to spend time with them. I really don’t know what to do. Reading everyones posts seems to help me know that there are other people going through the same thing so I don’t feel so alone. I have many friends that keep checking on me and I really am thankful of that but they just don’t know what it is like to have so many different feelings going on I hope that someday things will get easier. Thank you all for listening. It is nice to get this off my chest. My thoughts are with everyone here.
I know what you are going throug as it has been 3 months since my husband passed; but like you, my son’s wife walked out on him 1 month after my husband’s passing. She is a mess and it is a Godsend for he and the kids; but it is hard and I have been helping him out quite a bit as he has the children two boys ages 2 and 3-1/2. In some ways it is a good distraction; but in others, I feel overwhelmed with sadness. Hang in there, I will be praying for you.
also this weekend (July 3rd) would be our anniversary, My daughter and the children will be going to my husbands families for a family gathering in another state. I do not know how I will get through this but my in-laws are awesome.
Hello to all my beautiful friends,
It’s “that time” again for me….almost 4:00 a.m. Pacific Daylight. Thought a lot about the upcoming weekend (4th of July) and what the family did last year. Oh, my….What I wouldn’t do to turn back the hands of time to last year’s 4th. I know we’re all facing it and none of us look forward to the absence of our loved and still-loved husbands. It’s hard to believe it’s been almost two months since Bob was taken from us. Toward the bitter end, one of his last words to me was “I’ve got to get up so I can get better.” He didn’t want to leave us cause he knew how much we depended on him and he liked that. Our daughter told me today that I took really good care of daddy and made him very happy. What a nice compliment from a daughter’s view of 31 years. Seven weeks and two days without him and it feels like years.
Hi Karen, I realize a lot of my friends here are younger than I; it doesn’t minimize the pain. Some friends and family will be giving you advice you may not want to hear and you’ll have to take a lot of it for what it’s worth (which isn’t much) and decide what makes you feel best. I’m sorry to hear your son is having all the marital problems added on to your loss. Two people hurting at the same time. I’ve been there! When our mother passed away, my twin and I lived on two different planets; we were just “bouncing off each other” because we were both grieving. Now, I’m grieving from an event that has some impact on her, but not even close to the impact on me and I don’t expect it to. We’ve had our problems along the way, but I think I’ve finally made some headway with her. I read her the script from Widow.ie Widow’s Friend twice and it helped. All you can do is try to keep the lines of communication open with him, give him as much love and support you can muster together and take things one day at a time. Isn’t it hard to see other people living their lives and going about their business without the loss that we’ve experienced? I truly do envy them. Always remember, you can come visit us here to vent things out 24/7 and WE ARE HERE.
Hi, Niki! You’re so right. It does get to the point of concentrating on those little things….like breathing in and breathing out. I’ve pretty well isolated myself from people (except for daughter, sister, 3 dogs and a cat plus all of my friends here,) because I don’t want to hear any of it. The only information I want right now is to tell me this emptiness and void I’m living with now will someday be filled. With what? I don’t know yet. We know ourselves better than anyone. Pay attention to your instincts and follow them. That’s what I’ve been attempting to do through this miserable ordeal. My love and prayers are with you.
To my dear friend, Lori, whose been with me since day one, June 4th, when I had the courage to join in this congregation of friendship and love. I know what this Tuesday, the 29th, will be for you. My energy, thoughts and support will be with you and I do feel your energy each day. Remember, we all sleep under the same moon and stars. We are all connected in that sense. You usually think of being a single mom the result of divorce, not your husband’s passing. It’s been quite an adjustment for me being referred to as ” a widow.” God, I don’ t like that word. “Surviving spouse” is less harsh cause that’s what we are all doing…surviving. I wish I could be wishing you and everyone a Happy Fourth under completely different circumstances. How are your children doing? I know they keep you going and that’s a good thing. Whenever I feel lower than the usual (if there is such a level), I know that Bob would not want that for me. I know Tim wouldn’t either. All our husbands know how much we miss them and want them back home with us. They know! Sending you lots of love and hugs for now and always.
I’m now going to try to put this brain to rest as the construction crew will be here once again in a few hours. I’ve had a couple of days reprieve and I’m hoping all will be done by the end of the week. I did manage to open the bedroom door a couple of days ago. I peeked in and had to leave. Bob had a clothes tree which had a few of the last things worn on it. It was truly overwhelming. I’m not there yet and don’t know if and when I ever will be.
Thank you all for being here with me. We share feelings that can only be felt by those who have lost what we have.
Love, Marilyn
Just a quick correction. The website I was referring to in my prior post came to me from Kate a while ago and it was so helpful to me about friend’s and family’s good intentions. It is: http://www.widow.ie/page11.html. It is really worth reading.
Also, Cathy….After I had submitted my post, I saw yours. Please stay with us and we will all help one another along the way. We’re all good therapy for one another. Our only daughter, Rebecca, has taken her dad’s death extremely hard, as well. Sometimes can’t talk with me about it….it’s just too painful. Sad to hear that your daughter is separating. Another added heartbreak to the mix. I do know how she feels about life and happiness….what is it all about? I know you’ll be there for her and not to worry too much about taking her away from her marriage and children; she really needs her mama. I know that from experience. Our daughter went through a terrible divorce and custody battle years ago. She remarried recently (3 years ago) and she seems to be happy. A lot of stress going on currently because he was laid off in January of this year and she can only find part-time employment. It’s very true what they’re saying about California’s unemployment…one of the highest in the nation.
We have a saying….”If it’s not one thing, it’s another!” How true the statement. However, this “one thing” tops them all….doesn’t it?
Love, Marilyn
Marilyn, Thank you for your kind words. I needed to hear that she needs her mother. I need her and the grandkids also but as I said I don’t want to be the cause of them not thinking there marriage through. I know things will work out one way or another but it is so hard to see everything falling apart. Thanks again for listening.
Hello Ladies,
It’s been two years since my fantastic husband went to be with our Lord, after struggling with pancreatic cancer for over two years. I posted a tribute to him on our Caring Bridge site If you care to read it you can find it at:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/donpeyton.
Today’s prayer in my GriefShare devotion is SO appropriate that I felt prompted to share it with you:
“Lord, I did not want a new life. I liked my old one just fine, but I understand that going back is not an option. Therefore, Lord, I will move forward. Teach me to seek You and embrace You and grow in this new life. Amen.”
You can find more from GriefShare, if you are interested, at :
http://www.griefshare.org.
Blessings,
Jeanine
Hello to all of you: My name is Terre (referred to by Norma as ‘her Silver Fox’) I think it is endearing.
I very seldom type here but I read all of your posts daily. I find so many new names now compared to when I started.
My husband graduated in March 5, 2009. The experience of being with him for 44 years I daily give gratitude for. I am so grateful to him, for him and I am so proud of him. He was a highschool drop-out with d’s and e’s. But, he completed his GED and stayed in the Military for 23 yrs. He retired with honors. He then went to college in his late 40′s and wound up on the AB honor roll and graduated with high marks. To top all this off, he had a speech impediment and was dyslexic. Add the family man ( three adopted sons) and you see why I am proud of him. He has always loved me unconditionally, even when I was a pain in the butt.
He had had Emphysema for 46 years and fought for every breath. He had migrains for which he received disability through the VA and Soc. Security. Even with headaches that created roadmaps in his eyes and threatened to burst his temple veins, his personality NEVER waivered from sweet and gentle and always trying to do everything to please me.
The Wed. before he went into the hospital, he said he didn’t feel good so I drove him to emergency. They just said his lungs were the worst they had ever seen and couldn’t tell if he had pneumonia or not. There was no fever so they sent him home. Thursday, he felt better. He was the cook in our house (and a great one too, even with headaches). Friday, after dinner at about 7:00p.m. he said he was going to bed. Absolutely not normal since he liked to stay up late. I told him to wait because I wanted to take his temp. It was spiked, so I told him to get dressed so I could take him to emergency. When we got there, the Dr. checked him over and said he would stay a few days. He also said if he was put on a ventilator, it could take a while to ween him off. I went home after waiting a couple of hours. The next six days were back and forth. His personality became different. He hated the food and seemed to be agitated and frustrated. On the 6th day after I had been with him, I said goodnight Daddy as I always called him. He always said goodnight Mama. But that night it was just goodnight. I started out the door and then backed up to part the curtains and said goodnight Daddy. Again it was just goodnight. I went home. About 10:30 that night, I got a call from the night Dr. saying he’d had a crisis and wanted to know if he could put a breathing tube in. I reminded him of our healthcare directive stating no life support. The Dr. said he had read it and it was why he was calling. He said that sometimes when the lungs are given a few days rest, it allows the patient months or even years more. I told him I had made a promise not to do it. I then asked if he could wake him up and make sure he was really connected with my husband (he was on drugs) and then ask my husband if he wanted the tube. The answer was yes. Dr. also made it clear that this was just a trial to give him a chance if his body could take it. I wasn’t going to drive at night but I just had to do it in case I wouldn’t get to see him again. Dear friends, when I walked into that room and saw my Precious Husband on that bed looking like a wax doll with that machine jerking him back and forth I let out a screem you could have heard in the next county, folded up on the floor and said ‘what have I done?’ The nurses came over to help me and said to try to get control because he heard me and his graph spiked.
The next day the admitting Dr. came to me and said “now you’ve done it”. I asked what he meant. He said he would never have put him on the ventilator, and now that he is on it, I will never take him off. I asked what he meant and he said he could be on it for years. I said it’s not going to happen. If I have to go to jail, I will, because I will pull the plug myself. He asked if I wanted him off the case. I told him no but that if he couldn’t do what I asked, then get the hell out of Dodge and get me a Dr. who will. He got up and said “this horse has been ground” and walked out. I later found out that the night after I noticed he wasn’t saying goodnight Mama, one of the ladies in the space with her husband, across from our bed said my husband went into the bathroom and pulled out the catheter while it was still inflated and bloodied himself inside and out. She told me it took two big men to bring him down and tie him to the bed. Anyway, he spent 6 more days tied to the bed, on breathing tubes, oxygen and feeding tubes. He fought the whole time to try to get out of bed and kept leaning his head down and reaching as far up as he could to pull the mask off. More than once I saw the fear in his eyes and I just brushed them closed and told him to wait just a little longer. On the last day the ventilator was removed and when he talked to me he sounded like a bass baritone. I asked him if we should get married ( we were just having a little fun between us) and he said ‘why not’. This was about 1:30 p.m. The nurse came in to give him a breathing treatment and he kept shaking his head back and forth and fighting her. I asked her what part of his body language didn’t she understand and she said she had to do it. We had a bit of a debate and I said YOU ASK HIM. She did and he said NO! He said to her “let me die”. He said to me ” Mama, I can’t take any more. Let me go) I looked at him and said “I will my Darling, I promise. He was sent over to the hospice unit and I asked to have a monitor for his heart sounds brought in and they wanted to know why. I said I wanted to know when the change came. I found a wonderful blanket and curled up in a chair and dropped off to sleep after more than 36 hurs. without sleep. The monitor went wild and I jumped up to kiss and love and thank him. I feel so lost and heart broken now.
Since his passing, I have lost my Sister, one of my dogs, broken my hip, been in and out of emergency twice, had heart problems, and have lost so much weight that I am now down to 89lbs. Could be worse if I was tall but I’m 5 ft. I have had cataract surgery on my right eye and due on the left in two weeks. Please forgive me if I say I have had enough.
I have seen where many are having problems with hubbies belongings. I am a person who hangs onto to the past forever. Knowing that, when my son came to be with me after my Darling Husband passed, we went through everything and he was able to wear most of the clothes. So, for me it was done right away. I have have about 8 hangers of clothes in his closet with my clothes and am able to bury my face in them when I need to. I have personal things like knives wallets and pj’s which I could roll up to my armpits if I had to. He was 6 ft. and very thin. By the way, I see I haven’t mentioned, my Sweet Husband’s name is Larry.
Right now I live where I know absolutely nobody and friends are in other states. I barely drive because I get lost daily. My husband did all the driving. Now it’s all on me and I don’t know where to go or what to do. I sure wouldn’t mind having somebody to talk to.
This site is great and I appreciate Corinne for creating it, but I think I am most desparate to hear a woman’s voice who understands the need for human companionship. And, as it has been said so many times here….nobody understands. In fact, many months ago, the lady across the street told me to grow up. All I can say is, it certainly didn’
t make me smile. I still wear my rings because I want to, I have to, I need to. And, I still say I am Mrs. Larry D…… And, devil take the hindmost if somebody who doesn’t understand…doesn’t like it.
Sorry to be so wordy. Love, Light, and Blessings to all.
Bless your heart Norma. What a beautiful Lass you are.
Dear Terre,
I have just finished reading your heartfelt post and, to say the least, it brought tears to my eyes. I related to so much you said. While I didn’t have the long, drawn out process you were subjected to, I had five days of watching my husband, Bob, die. No food or water. Just morphine and medications to help him breathe….his eyes told me the whole story. I called him “papa” and he called me “Mare” or “Munda A Ho,” the latter resulting from an aunt he loved very much while a boy growing up in Northern Michigan. If you were here with me right now, Terre, I would hold your hand and we would talk and talk. I’ve been told I’m a great listener with a soft shoulder. Any time you want to get things out of your head, this is the place to come to. I’m sure you’ve read our posts and know our heartbreaking stories of loss. I remember when things were getting worse as each day passed, Bob became agitated, too. I had been constantly asking him why he wouldn’t eat all his favorite things I would prepare for him and he begged me to just “leave it alone! It’s not that I don’t want to eat….I can’t eat!” When he was first taken to emergency on April 4th, as he walked out the front door with our daughter and son-in-law, he didn’t say good-bye to me. (I wasn’t able to accompany him because of mobility problems.) I couldn’t say good-bye because I was just too scared to say those words and it was left at that. I noticed he became withdrawn, even when he was told he had pneumonia and was relieved with that diagnosis. I knew deep inside of me something was up but wanted to stay in denial and believe those doctors. Oh, how I believed them. Then, again, you know your hubbie’s every mood and characteristic. You also know when the “normal” isn’t “normal” anymore. I remember looking at him when he was sleeping and thought to myself “He looks so fraile.” “Why?” The very first night he was here at home under hospice care he got up from the bed and wanted to know where the bathroom was. He was in his own home and didn’t know where to go. We got him to the bathroom and he was “picking” at the roll of paper towels, his body waving back and forth like a leaf in a windstorm. We finally had to call in an emergency nurse at 3 a.m. to get him back to the bed set up in the living room. All he kept saying was “Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh boy.”I could go on and on like I do with my mind every day. The “cycle” I call it. Have to go over and over all the events so I won’t forget them. I don’t want to forget them because I don’t want to forget him. Those were my final days with him and as horrible and gut wrenching they were, it was all about my life with him from the beginning in October, 1976 (when we met) until May 7th, 2010. I’ve heard it and read it 1000 times. Loss of a spouse is a devastating event. A real life changer. I feel all of us here are the ELITE. The depth of our love maybe goes deeper than the norm and that’s why we’re here and we all connect so well. I know I think too much. My mind is constantly moving. It never stops. We were all loved by men who truly cared about us as we cared for them. You have had your trials and tribulations, that’s for sure. Life is hard. Maybe God has chosen us to set the example. I don’t know. Like I’ve said before, I’ve had more questions than answers in my prayers. My spirituality has been shaken to the core with this one. I’m very vulnerable right now and don’t “put myself out there” as some would like me to. I wish you peace and hope we can all bring you a little comfort. Writing us will help. It helped me. Where you are living now…..is it temporary? Could you move closer to friends or family? Thank you for sharing your story with us, Terre. It meant a lot to me to read it and I’m going to re-read it after I submit my letter for today. Please post as often as you can.
Also, Lori, I thought about you all day Tuesday. I know what a special day it is for you and Tim. Hope you got through it without too much difficulty. Not looking forward to this weekend at all. My love and support to you, as always.
I’m going to close for now.
Sending love and compassion to all my friends here. Marilyn
Hello beautiful friends, Yesterday was my husband’s 53rd birthday. Earlier this month I had a tree planted in my front yard for him and yesterday I bought a balloon and tied it to the tree and sprinkled rose petals at the base for him. It was just as hard yesterday as my anniversary the 11th. I can relate to Norma B. not wanting to cry around the children too much–I actually had a headache for 2 days from holding in the tears that were brimming my eyes. Thank you for the poem Jeanine–I don’t want this new life and I truly hope God has a good plan for me, my children, and all of us surviving day-to-day with heartbreak. Marilyn, my friend, I swear I felt your hugs through the universe yesterday. I cannot thank you enough for holding me up!
Peace, Love, and Joy to all. Love, Lori
Hi All!!!
I have been reading your posts, but have not been able to write. Today marked the 3 months of the day my Joe died. Tomorrow will be the day I found him. It still feels like it just happened today. yesterday I almost ripped all of his clothes out of the closet just screaming, but I controlled myself. I get so mad at him for leaving me. This is just not fair.
More things are coming to the surface. The neighbors told me that shortly after my husband died, his parents came to their house and said that if anyone questions or if the police ask, we were never in the house and we never took anything. His parents have begun blaming me in the courts for all the missing property. Y would I steal all of my own things.
This world just stinks. People have no morals anymore and it just kills me. I just want to tell them all to go to hell, but i am too nice. My attorney said that my niceness is what will kill them and uncover their lies in the courtroom. To let them scream and shout and get all defensive.
I have been advised to just stay calm, try not to cry and get through all the hearings that will be occuring.
I have little kids with me all the time, mine of course, and all I want to do is just cry and let it out. There are times I wish 5 year olds were self reliant.
our 5 year old looks just like him, so I guess that I am lucky to see his smiling face everyday, but it hurts all at the same time.
I think I am just going crazy. And I still don’t know how it is that I am keeping up with the chores. Some I have slacked on, but I still manage. Sometimes I don’t even remember doing them, but I got them done.
Still have not been able to wash his last load of clothes. that is the only thing in the hamper. It has been 3 months and they are still sitting there, begging to be washed. How crazy is that.
Sending hugs and love to all my lovely ladies out there. Keep praying for me as I am for you. Maybe one day we will find peace.
Brandi
Oh Brandi,
You do have your work cut out for you. My heart goes out to you. I hate to say this but Joe’s parents sound so horrible. How could they be so selfish at a time like this. Well I think it’s fair to say that people can go a bit nuts during times like this but I am remembering they may have been a bit nuts before your lovely Joe died. You should be spending today/tomorrow with lots of love and care in your circle. It’s not fair. But your attorney has the advice I like. Silence is golden. It will kill them for sure.
One thing I will pass on from my own bereavement counsellor (my darling Steve died suddenly from a virus that attacked his heart amlmost 3 months ago, and we have a 1 y/o baby girl).. she suggests we do cry in front of our kids as long as we tell them that they are not the problem, that we love them very much and that we are simply hurting because we miss their Daddy so much. She says hiding the tears and pain will only confuse the kids and they may start thinking that they themselves are the problem. I am told these little ones are extremely resilient and can process a lot so we just need to be honest with them. I often cry when I am giving our baby her final hug before bedtime in our armchair. It’s a time when I feel she, Steve and I are all together, in the dark and the silence. I was worried my quiet tears and tensing body would affect her, so I was told to talk her through it. Now I actually love that she is nestled in my neck as I explain that she is not the problem, that I love her more than ever, but that I am so sad her Daddy has gone. She is such a baby but she is extremely intuitive and I feel she does what she can physically to comfort me. It’s really quite a special moment and I race home for it if I am out.
I completely understand why you haven’t washed his clothes. I still sleep on the jumper/pullover my husband wore to hospital when he drove himself there for a check-up. i still can’t believe he went to be checked up and never left, dying 9 hours later. I get angry with him as well. Last night I drove back from his parents’ house screaming at him. I had bottled so much up trying to give strength to his parents in front of his two kids from his first marriage who hang off every word I say. I got in the car and let it all out. I just cannot believe he won’t be walking through doors, lying next to me at night and discussing every facet of our respective days. I waited until I was 38 to meet him. He was everything I had ever wanted. Aside from his own insecurities. He was my man and he helped defined me. I had been so independent for so long. I loved giving in to his tender loving care and being his adoring wife. I loved my role, helping us build a beautiful life together. I feel extremely cheated but what can I do? What can we all do?
Today some books arrived from Amazon and one I am about to tackle is a book called “Healing After Loss” by Martha Whitmore Hickman. It has a meditation for every day of the year to help us work through loss. I’ll let you know how I go.
Hello to all you other lovely ladies who are enduring your own pain. We’re in this together girls.
Thankfully, Kate xxx
I’m sorry it’s taking me a while to post. I’m still quite busy with getting settled, and I’ve been trying to have early nights to catch up on my sleep.
I’m sorry to hear that some of you are having a “hard time”. Nobody elses problems are bigger than your own. So if you think it’s tough coming to terms with lossing your partner, it’s just as tough as someone else who is going through a divorce, or having financial troubles, or having noisey neighbours that are driving you crazy, or getting stressed at work. No one knows what you are going through, unless they have experienced it before. Forgive them their ignorance, selfishness and insensativity, because to them, you are being the same and not empathising with their situation. For me, I can’t get my head around, why people don’t realise when I need help, even close family and friends. I need to spell it out for them. This is because they can’t read my mind, they don’t know how I’m feeling because I’m not telling them. Truth be told I’ve made a mask for myself over the years and not one of them can see through it.
So my friends, if you are feeling hard done by, or wish your friends and family would be more considerate to your needs (after all you’ve lost your husband, why dont’ they understand), then tell them. Pick up the phone and speak to them, call around and see them, but don’t expect them to know how you are feeling, because they just don’t get it, unless they too have lost their partner.
Terre, thank you for sharing, I’m glad you came back to give our new ladies the benefit of your wisdom, and I’m glad you have managed to get through one of your cataract surgeries. Fingers crossed for the next one.
I’m sorry ladies but that’s it for now, but just to let you know I’m going to uni, and I’m going to study Philosophy. So in 6 years time, you can call me Bubbles the Thinker!
I’m sending you all some strength so you can stay strong to deal with family and friends. I challenge you all to pick up the phone and speak to someone you’ve not spoke to since your partners funeral service, not because you haven’t wanted to, but because you have left it to them to call you first.
Your friend always,
Norma
aka theflyingpig
xxx
Hello dear friends…
Another day in paradise. What can I say? I read your posts and relate to every single one of them. I told our daughter today “I just want things to go back to normal when dad was here.” She replied, “Mom, things will never be normal again.” She’s right. How I’ve tried to adjust to this maze of uncertainty and fear. I go through the motions every day trying to do what is expected of me. I’ve read all about the stages of grief we are supposed to go through…Anger: Can’t be angry at him cause he didn’t want to leave in the first place…Denial: Very much so….Bartering: Been there and done that…Depression: Oh, yes…Acceptance: Not even close.
Jeanine: Read your post and want you to know I thought your site to Don’s memory was beautiful. You both are a beautiful couple. I sometimes wish that two years have passed for me with the hopes that this pain will be lessened, but I can see Don’s loss is just as present in your life as Bob’s is to mine. I think Don would be happy to hear you’re moving closer to friends in Portland. I admire your strong faith and it helps me to keep going. God bless you.
Brandi: I wish I had a logical answer for all you’re going through, but I don’t. I think your lawyer’s right when he says to show your kindness and let the others show their “true colors” in court. Good advice. I realize how difficult it must be to witness all the “goings on,” but I feel justice will prevail. I’m fortunate that I don’t have any relatives to dispute anything here. Stay calm and stay strong, Brandi. You know, there are three items on a clothes tree in our bedroom and when I had the courage to open that door (for just a minute) the other day and saw it, that was enough for me. Don’t worry about the clothes in the hamper. Take everything at a pace you can live with. That’s all we can do, as hard as it is. You are in my prayers and I hope peace comes to us all.
Hi, Kate, I admire you so much for giving strength to Steve’s parents and the family. I imagine they do hang on to your every word for comfort and support. They are fortunate you are there for them. Your quiet moments with your daughter and Steve are to be treasured and I’m glad you have that to look forward to at the end of the day. You’re right, Kate, we’re all in this together. Sending you my love and support.
Norma….You’ve always told it like it is. You’re right….our friends and family can’t read our minds and even though we think they should know how we are feeling under the circumstances, some don’t. I have had a couple of heart-to-heart talks with my twin sister and, although they have helped, we’re not completely resolved yet. I guess some do need that constant reminder. Always look forward to your input. Hope you’ll post us soon. Thank you for your love and friendship. Sending you lots of cuddles.
Dear Denise, I know your husband Steven’s birthday is this weekend (the fourth) and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Sending you my strength, friendship and love. God bless.
Dear friend, Lori….I was happy to hear you received my hugs and love. The balloons and petals were a beautiful tribute and reminder to Tim that you’re always there for him and I know he’s there for you, too, Lori.
Why were we put on this path? I have no explanation for it. Not good timing, but then, would it have ever been good timing? Tomorrow will be the start of a dreaded weekend. Our first, not only for us, but many. I hope I can muster up the strength needed to get through it. I was supposed to set up an appointment for an evaluation (appraisal) of my home today, but I didn’t answer the phone cause I just wasn’t up to it. Sometimes I feel I’ve done something wrong with all the legalities to deal with. It’s a dreadful process. Daughter, Rebecca wants me to have a security gate enclosed at the front door entrance while the construction people are here since Bob is no longer here for protection. I may consider for peace of mind (if there is any to be found). I live in the San Fernando Valley and I’m already hearing fireworks and gunshots in celebration of the 4th. My sister had a delayed minor breakdown today because of the news she received last week from her doctor that the double hip replacement isn’t an option at this time because of osteoporosis. They have put her on steroids with the hope it will curtail the severe inflammation. The medication makes her very ill. No one really knows her prognosis. It’s been quite a day. Sending you strength and support….love and hugs.
Hello to Cathy, Karen, Niki, Norma B, Leann, Mary Lotus, Gina, Denise, Terre, and those who have not posted in a while:
Please keep writing. Your feelings are so important to all of us. I will end for now. Love and support to all of you….you’re a wonderful group of ladies I’m proud to call my friends….Marilyn
Jeanine,
Don looks like a ripper! I checked out your photos. And that poem was so special. You really did have something amazing. It does seem so unfair that such a happy marriage can be short-lived when so many bad marriages waffle on and on. I’m sure your Don is extremely proud of you and your family.
Our 1 y/o daughter Ruby disappeared out of site today and within 5 seconds she had rolled down the stairs she no doubt tried to climb. I heard the thud. She cried and cried, and I bawled even louder about how much I could not cope with losing her too and how precious she is to me. She is all I have. Of course I have my amazing parents, brothers and friends but she is of course what Steve and I produced and although I decided not to put her on a pedestal, I clearly need to take more care of this beautiful, gutsy girl. All of a sudden mortality has become even more of an issue.
Marilyn, get the protection door please. You’ll have peace of mind if nothing else. Your daughter is so lovely. I think your sister should seek a second opinion if she has not already. She must be exhausted by the pain and pills. It’s cruel.
Love youlost girls, Kate xx
My dear sweet ladies, my friends and confidants.
The 4th of July is going to be rocking at our house. My Dad loves everything to do with the states, and we hope to get over there for a girls + dad holiday sometime in the future. He had his gazebo up today to try it out and has all the flags ready. An amazing bald eagle we picked up at a car boot sale and he revamped will be the centre of attraction, along with Old Glory (I think that’s what the confederate flag is called) and the stars and stripes, not forgetting the saltire and other assorted flags. Fire works for later as well, and a larger than life cut out of John Wayne to greet people.
I’m sorry if I sounded a bit harsh last night. I hear everything you say, but sometimes if you can see it from another perspective, it will help you understand why, friends and family or even neighbours and work colleagues act the way they do. Stay strong ladies, it does get better some days and worse others, but we just have to ride this journey, and with a little help from those who understand, we will make this journey together.
Birthdays are hard, my dad shares his birthday with Martin, so doubly hard for me, as I have to try and stay jolly for him, when I should have been preparing myself for a night of love making. Still, the joys of life I suppose.
I know that some days I sound quite with it, rational and ready to put my two penny worth in, and other days I’m screaming inside, thinking it’s still not fair.
Stay strong my sweet ladies, try to enjoy your independance day, for those over the pond, and for those who aren’t smell the rose.
Much love
Norma
aka theflyingpig
xxx
Ahhh Norma, you sound lovely. Don’t worry what we think. I, for one, don’t judge. I just read and like to know we are all battling on and coming to grips the best way we can. I made my beautiful mum cry today when I hurt her sensitive soul. I didn’t realise just how soft and vulnerable she is right now. She was so upset over very little. I had to shut her up by telling her that I do appreciate everything she does and that if I could ease everyone’s pain I would speak my life up just so it could end faster so I could be with Steve. But it’s only our daughter who makes me want to elongate life, with lovely comforting from family and dear friends. None of these are suicidal thoughts. Just a realisation that nothing will be as joyful and amazing for the rest of my life without Steve, unless others can prove otherwise. My girlfriends cried when I told them this at dinner tonight. They wanted to test me to ensure I didn’t mean I wanted to force dxeath upon myself. I said “of course not but I no longer fear death nor want to slow down life”. I cannot believe I have approx 40 – 50 years left on this earth without Steve so if I can see him sooner, bring it on!!!
Norma I already have so many days when I feel like life is still amazing, but other moments when I want to spray paint a moment with grey paint and set it alight.
love you all lots, Kate x
I just re-read what i wrote earlier.. I meant to say “speed” my life up, not “speak”. Night! x
Well, ladies, here we are, the 4th of July and I don’t feel I have that much to celebrate. A couple last evening that my husband and I used to play cards with (elderly – a lot older than ourselves) invited me to come over and play cards with another couple we had played cards with – also older. I turned her down as I wasn’t much for playing cards “as usual” without him and didn’t feel like being a 5th last night. She sounded a little annoyed with me. Then I felt guilty – was I so wrong. I was tired and just wanted to settle in and read. I am just not up to going out with couples we used to go out with. I feel strange at the moment. It may, probably will change as time goes on; but I am not ready yet. I don’t know why they don’t understand. Oh well.
This is all new territory and I am trying to gingerly step my way through it. I still miss Paul so much and my family and close friends all tell me I am doing well and to take my time. But how much time is appropriate. I can’t wait for the day when I feel “whole” again. Not just floating through life. I guess in time that will happen; but on the other hand I am afraid to let him go or forget him. Even though it is going on 4 months, I feel I am forgetting some things about him and it scares me. I loved him more than life itself and tried to do everything til the end – never felt like enough.
Thank you ladies, for letting me have this site to come and vent. It does help somewhat to come here and say what I truly feel and not be judged. I just feel that others around me don’t understand my feelings and think I should be “moving on.” But to what? At this point I am trying to figure out who I am going forward by myself. Does this make sense?
Hope you all have as good as a 4th of July as we can!
God bless.
Hi Karen, just back from seeing my bereavement counsellor. She tells me Steve is still in my life, will be forever, no matter what I chose to do. I do find that comforting. Somehow it allows me to move on, enjoy moments. She also says I will find myself catching up with friends who were once on the peripheral but who are great at dealing with tragedies. Some of our best friends sadly can’t. She says it’s nothing personal. They just don’t know how to deal with it and they retreat. So I figure I’ll be carving out closer relationships with people I didn’t know so well before, and stepping back from a few close friends too. Maybe your friend just doesn’t know how to show she cares and is frustrated. But that’s not your worry for now. If reading your book is where you feel most comfortable, I say go for it. My counsellor told me to “reintroduce myslef” to my friends. They are all so used to me being strong, capable and will assume I will be stoic. But she says I must tell them I am different now, I have changed and I am no longer as strong. She said I am to tell them when they call that if they really do want to help me, they should keep in contact over the next six months, year etc. to avoid them just paying their respects now and disappearing which is often the case. I am about to move back to HK and have to face a very wide circle of friends who have not seen me since week 1. So in many respects I have moved through some grief and they have been on hold. They will not know what to expect. My concern is that they will see me laughing and setting up my new life, but they won’t see as many tears or see as many vulnerable moments. So I think I will tell them all when they say “are you ok?” that I am different etc. Plus I will keep the letetr handy that I have sent a few friends. They all said it really helped them understand more. Here it is again.. http://www.widow.ie/page11.html
Light and love to all you Americans celebrating 4th July.
xxx Kate
I am glad that I came across this site, because I can relate to many of your unfortunate experiences. My 39 year old husband died suddenly 3 months ago. We had a normal Saturday morning with our two children. We took them to their weekend activities as we always did. We had coffee together while the kids enjoyed themselves. We returned home about noon. About 15 minutes after getting home he passed out in front of our children ages 4 & 6. I feel sad that they will always have that memory. I heard the loud thud & ran to him. I called 911 immediately & tried to help him, but he was gone. I miss him so much, we did everything together. We had so many great plans for the future. He truly was the love of my life. I am sorry that we only had 11 years together. He was such an active part of the children’s lives..he was so much fun. I feel so sad for them, they were robbed of such a great dad. He loved us/our family. We cherished our time off & spent a lot of great times together. We thought we had so much time left. I am not handling this loss well. The first 2-3 weeks, I was pretty numb. I barely cried at the funeral. Everyone complimented me on how well I was doing. Well, I think it has finally hit me. I have started to cry in front of the children, which I never wanted to do. I feel alone & don’t know what to do with the kids. I have a great family..they were & have been very supportive, but eventually they have to concentrate on their own lives & families. I am having a tough time, but I am seeing a grief counselor this week..hopefully that will help.
Hello to all my pen pals….
Welcome Mar to our wonderful support group. I lost my husband on Friday, May 7th. I was so grateful to have found this site because before I discovered it, I was floundering from place to place on the internet getting nowhere. When I finally googled the phrase (I think it was “What to do when your husband dies”) I found comfort, friendship and love. You can come here any time, day or night, and communicate with us till your heart’s content. At the end of my grief-filled day, I look forward to reading the latest events of everyone who posts here. So, again, welcome to your newfound circle of friends. It’s unfortunate all of us have met under the worst of circumstances, but at least we have found one another. I truly believe my husband, Bob, somehow guided me here because he knew I wasn’t doing well. It took about a month before I found my “life preservers” here. I know how difficult things are for you right now and please accept my sincere condolences, friendship and support. I don’t have the answers as to why things happen the way they do, and it certainly doesn’t make any sense. There are friends here with young children who have lost the loves of their life and they are all here for you, as well. If you have read our prior writings, you know what our circumstances are….we’ve lost our best friend, confidante, father of our children, and, bottom line, the man that made our lives complete. It’s such a loss….words can’t adequately describe the emptiness and the void that now consumes us.
I know how Kate feels wanting to” speed up” her life so she can be with Steve once again, but I realize we have loved ones here on earth that need us, especially our children. Our beautiful daughter said to me the other day that I will most likely see her dad before she will and that it will be probably 50 years till she’s reunited with him. I told her that whatever time is left here for us, he would want us to live our lives productive and fulfilled. I know that and she knows that, but it’s really difficult to maintain those goals without him. We just have to take things one day at a time….sometimes one hour at a time.
Dear Karen…. Read your post. Don’t feel guilty about bowing out of commitments with friends. If reading a book is what gives you comfort, then that’s what you should do. I know exactly how you feel when you mentioned “moving on.” Moving on to what? That’s where I am at this moment: Moving on to what? Going forward by ourselves is not what we had in mind. Do what is most comfortable for you and don’t worry about what others think.
Dear Kate, You’re so right. We are different now…not as strong. This is definitely a life-changing event. When you return to HK, hopefully your friends will accept the fact that your life is completely different and you are adjusting to that change. Are you looking forward to the move? Yes, your Steve is with you and always will be. I 100% believe that. Steve is counting on you to raise that little one. Ruby is your mission in life now. Your friendship, support and love mean a lot to me. You will always have mine.
Dearest Norma, Your posts always give me a sense of balance. I haven’t had any good days yet….but knowing you’re here for me, and all of us, helps a lot. Hope your Fourth was everything you had hoped it would be.
Dear friend, Lori, Hope your Fourth wasn’t as bad as predicted.
As for me, I survived with one major crying spell in the afternoon. Daughter, Rebecca had a couple of friends over to swim and barbeque. I didn’t want her to see me crying, but she did and sat with me for about a half hour sharing the sadness. I’ve been through my birthday, wedding anniversary and Fourth of July without Bob in the course of eight weeks. I’m glad this holiday is passed. Love you.
This week brings more construction work to the house and another week ahead w/o my Bob. Going to end for now. Stay strong and know I deeply care for all of you.
Marilyn
Marilyn – good responses to all. I guess the hardest things for friends to realize is that we are different now. Our lives have changes significantly. They went through our loved ones passing and funeral; but now that some time has passed their lives have gone back to normal; but ours will never be the normal we knew. Everyday new events crop up that we have to face for the first time on top of dealing with the loss of our friend, lover and confident. They don’t realize how it is to wake up alone and come home alone when you were so used to having that special person to share your life with every day. I speak to Paul every day; and pray to he and God for the strength to get through another day.
I feel I am getting a little better every day; but I still have my “blue” days. Getting together with some couples we used to go out with is hard. I get dinner invitations – but can’t afford to go out like we used to. My income has significantly decreased; but my bills have not. I truly don’t think people understand.
This site has been so good just to vent. I do gain strength reading all the posts to see how some of you are handling/not handling each of your situations. I know that I am not crazy and what I am feeling is okay. Thank you all for that.
I have added all of you to my daily prayers for strength and pray we all find a little happiness in each day. All of this, losing Paul so quickly and unexpectedly, has made me realize that life is so short and a precious gift not to be taken lightly. I am trying to enjoy my days with family as I don’t know how long any of us have. It is just hard when you are trying to fight through this grief.
Hello friends, The 4th was a tough one. I actually excused myself to go into the bathroom so I could sob. We had such traditions on the 4th and none of them felt the same without Tim. Marilyn, you said it when you stated you “survived” the day. How true. If I could have just stayed in bed I would have.
Mar, your story is very similar to mine. I lost my husband Dec. 19. It was a Sat. and we took our 2 younger kids (9 & 14) to their activities and came home where he collapased in front of them also. I drove separately because I had to meet them at hockey and arrived home right when it happened. People told me I am “so strong” I actually got sick of hearing it. I did cry at the funeral, but held it together to get myself through the whole ordeal. I fall apart alot and also try not to do it in front of them. Our 2 older kids (24 & 22) got to have a dad see them grow up. It breaks my heart our younger 2 will not have him around. He was also a fabulous dad and husband. I miss him terribly.
Lately friends, I’ve been going through (in my own head) things I would complain about to him–”can’t you pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper”, and many other nonsenseical things I picked about. Now I regret each and every one of them and wish I could take them all back. Then, to take it a step further, I pray he loved me like I loved him. I do believe it, but without him here to tell me in words or the other little things he would do, I am doubting myself. Has anyone experienced these things?
Yes Lori, I keep thinking Steve probably wanted to go. He was tired, stressed from work, stressed because his ex-wife was preventing his two other children from calling him, and sick of me being a pain. He felt he had done his job, given me a baby, let me get settled and then gone. I know it’s all wrong to feel that way. I know I was his life, but you’re right, when they are not here to remind you how much they love you, you can lose faith. But you know Lori how much your Tim adored you and still does. He is guiding you and protecting you. I hope you can feel that too.
Welcome Mar. My divine husband Steve died at 40, suddenly, on April 13. I am at a similar stage to you. He left a 10 month old baby girl and me in HK and two kids aged 10 & 12 in Melbourne. We are all so lost without him. You have many understanding friends on this site. Please drop my a lot and say hi or just read our thoughts. Hopefully we can help you through this journey too. I have been helped so much already. I googled “grieving widows” and found this site and loads of beautiful grieving widows!! Join us.
Like Karen my days get better. I slip and slide as well but I have made progress. There was a time when I never thought I could go anywhere without a family member or friend, nor drive a car alone. Now I want to do a lot alone and am far more independent again. We will all make progress but we will all need each other on the dark days. We are lucky for that.
Marilyn, thanks for your loving messages. I am looking forward to HK as much as I am scared. Mix emotions. I am looking forward to taking control of my life a bit, instead of being a girl in my parents’ home. It has been so crucial for me to be here with all the care I can imagine but I feel I need to start afresh and create a new nourishing cocoon for our daughter and get back to work and feel some more progress. WHy I have no idea but although I have progressed emotionally in this amazing environment, I also feel I am in limbo here. I need my things around me and my routines and freedoms.
Thanks for all your love and writing girls, xx Kate
Hi, everyone.
It’s been a tough 3 days here. I have to admit Monday, July 5th, was just as bad as the 4th! Why?
My only brother-in-law called Monday and asked that I e-mail or call him. I e-mailed him about how things were going here….not great.
Lori and Kate….
I know how you feel!!! I’ve had the same thoughts if Bob loved me as much as I love him. I would push it out of my head, but now that it’s been brought to surface, I get those thoughts, too! Even mentioned it to our daughter awhile ago but she was able to dismiss the thought. You’re right! When they’re not here to reassure us, we have to do it ourselves by reflecting back to those reassuring moments they gave us.
Also, I’ve felt guilty about things I nagged about….leaving a coffee spoon on the counter instead of putting it in the sink or taking a glass to his office and not returning it to the kitchen. He would roll his eyes. The hamper? He would take a shower, then leave all the clothes on top of the hamper….not put them inside. I guess that’s better than leaving it all on the floor. All in all, we know they love us and THEY KNOW we love them. Never doubt that. We’re just so lost without them trying to find our way through this maze of confusion and emptiness. We are left to chisel our way to a new and different lifestyle….one we never wanted and everyone’s nightmare. I wish I were more resiliant. I’m not, though. I wish I were strong like concrete, but, bottom line, I’m about as concrete as a bowl of jello. As each day passes, I look for some sign that I’m going to be okay. Not there yet. Bob was my foundation….such a strong presence and influence in my life. The family’s stabilizer. I miss that sense of security so much.
All of us are trying to find our way. I’m so grateful we have each other to seek opinions, compare feelings and just “be.”
Love, Marilyn
I came across this site a few days ago and feel a sense of belonging and understanding. I have been coming back daily to read the posts. Unexpectedly, and recently, I lost my husband of 25 years…We have three children ages, 12 (F), 14(M), 14(M). My husband is (was) the foundation of our family and I am feeling defeated and lost without his guiding hand.
Thank-you for sharing your experiences, by reading the posts it helps me understand a bit better, as to what I am experiencing.
I cannot see past my tears at the moment to continue posting. Thank-you again,
Elizabeth
To Elizabeth
I understand the pain & sorrow you must feel because I too lost my
husband its been 44 days & because he left so suddenly the pain of his loss is ten-fold. I too have a young son, (15) and Brian Sr was the foundation of our family. Its like …..now WHAT???? How do you go on? What is the reasoning behind all of this? Sooo many questions but very few answers so trust me I do know exactly how you feel. Reading these post helps but it also brings tears to my eyes to know that so many of us are going through the same thing.
I will pray for you that you go stronger each day.
Norma B.
Well, my sweets, another day dawned and I’m no further forward than I was 6 months ago. Having a sad day. I asked Martin for some guidance before I went to sleep last night, and all I got was a dream about his friends. I feel like he should be telling me, if it’s ok to approach other men. One in particular. I wrote the email to him today, asking if he wanted to go for a coffee, but saved it as draft.
I feel quite alone today, been crying a lot since I got in. I love my dad and it makes a difference being here, but I miss Martin, and I want him with me. I’ve been reflecting on the times we should have been spending time together as his illness progressed, how much he kept from me and what I said to him. “Go to the doctor, because if you have something wrong with you that they could have done something about, and now it’s too late, I’ll kill you myself” as it turns out there was nothing they could have done anyway, MND is fatal, no cause no cure, just death.
I’ve been accepted unconditionally to uni, and I think all these things are just catching up with me and i’m a bit mentally drained. I need to get a decent rest. My Dad has decided to go to Blackpool next week for a wee holiday, so I’ll get the house to myself. Chocolate and cigarettes, good movies and early nights. Just what the Doctor ordered.
I’m a bit out of sorts, so will leave a proper catch up till tomorrow. Much love to you all.
Norma
aka theflyingpigxxx
Hello all,
Another Holiday passed. The 4th was such a big event for us. I had a housefull since my two daughters decided we needed to have a party. We had about 60 people come and go and I have never felt more alone in my life. I drank way too many drinks trying to numb the pain. Seeing all of these couples together made it seem so much more real to me that I am alone. He is gone and he is not coming back. I scream for him to come home every night. Its been 10 weeks and he is not listening to me.
Its like everyone thinks you are suppose to be ok after a few weeks go by. I came in the house and I cried and cried then fixed my makeup and went back out. The next morning I could not quit sobbing. My daughter just pats my back and says mom you need to get it together and keep living. What am I living for. I want to hold him and tell him how much I love him.
I have had a guy hitting on me already and he is lucky I have not beat the crap out of him. Seriously are people this stupid. I can’t even think of anyone but my husband. I came home from work tonight and opened up a beer. I have never drank like this before. I tried to work out and I don’t care. I ended up hitting the wall so hard and now my hand is bruised. Am I going crazy. Thank God for work, its the only distraction I have. I feel like a big burden. I just want to run away but I don’t know where I would run to.
Why did this happen to us. I know they would not have left us if they could have stayed. I just can’t quit asking why. Why am I here. What purpose is there for me when I lived and breathed every minute to be with him.
I am sorry everyone. I just can’t accept this and really think I am going over the edge. I can’t believe I still have tears coming out when I cry.
This is a very hard time in our lives and, yes, some people can be very STUPID. They cannot understand the pain you (we) are going through because their lives have not changed. After the funeral their lives go back to “normal”, but we keep living the reality that our loved one is gone and is not coming back.
I have two elderly couples that we used to play cards with (they are in their late 60′s to 80′s) and they invited me over to play cards the weekend of the 4th. My husband had heart issues for all of the 23 years of marriage and because they are older had health issues also. So out topic of conversation always veered toward health issues. I just couldn’t do this. I kindly turned down the invitation without giving my real reason – just that I wasn’t up to it that evening. One of the women was upset with me and the other called to tell me that I can’t avoid them forever and just need to get over Paul’s death. I feel this is insensitive; my sister tells me just worry about taking care of yourself and not worry about them. I guess in a way you learn who your true friends are.
I feel your pain; but you need to take care of yourself. That is what your husband would have wanted. I wish I could tell you how to take the pain away; but, I can’t as I don’t know how to do it for myself; except to pray for strength and try to focus on some positive t hings in life. This is not easy, believe me. Some days I look around at people who seem happy and hate them.
May God bless you and help you through this difficult time. Try to take one day, one hour at a time. I have stopped looking too far head as I would get panic attacks. Some days easier said than done. But it is the only way I know how to get through it. I used to be a planner; but not any more. I can’t think that far ahead.
Bless you and thank God we have this site to come and vent and obtain support.
To Karen and others who are pushing friends away: You’re being too hard on your friends. They are only human. Don’t expect them to say all the right things ’cause they won’t. You’re only setting yourself up to be disappointed. Yes, this is a world full of couples, and now you’re not one. So, what’s the solution? Force yourself to stay plugged into your friends, no matter how insensitive they may seem to you. How else are they going to learn what it is you need from them if you don’t tell them? You also need to reach down deep inside yourself and pull out what little strength you still possess in order to get you through this difficult time. You need to learn how to bolster yourself up. For those of you who have children, think about it – how hurt are you when you see your kids hurting? Doesn’t it just tear you up inside? And when you see them playing and having a good time, do you judge them and think of them as being disloyal to their dead daddy? Of course not. Kids are able to live in the moment so much better than adults. Your friends want you to feel better, but they don’t know how to make it all better because they can’t bring your husband(s) back, can they? They see you being miserable all the time and they want to see you doing something to help yourself get over this terrible loss. That’s really all they really want – they don’t expect you to get over your loss in an instant, but they would like to see you trying to help yourself a little bit, and that’s where your effort comes into play. Yes, you need to make an effort. The situation isn’t going to get any better unless YOU make an effort. Many women on this site have written that time doesn’t heal anything, and this is so true. The only thing that will make you feel better is you. There’s nothing magic about it. You simply have to learn how to console and comfort yourself. You probably haven’t done this in years or at all, have you? You relied on your husband to make you feel good about yourself. Guess what? He’s not here to do it anymore and if you want to get better and feel better and get through this terrible time, only you can do. Only you can make the effort, ’cause nobody is going to do it for you. After several weeks of being miserable, and wallowing in your sadness, aren’t you sick of yourself yet? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and work at making yourself feel better. And for those of you whose husbands have been gone a while, isn’t it time to start dating again? Don’t wait for some magical sign from your husband giving his blessing to date – just do it. If there’s someone you’re interested in, ask him out to lunch. The worse thing that can happen is you might actually have an okay time. There are so many lonesome men and women out there just waiting to connect with someone new. Don’t spend too much time in this land of the lost – it’s just a pitstop on the way to a new life. Don’t be guilty of holding onto your grief one second longer than you need to because there’s so much life left to live. You just have to make the effort!
To Deborah Sullivan
I like your idea about consoling & comforting yourself…. I have always been
“independent” (as my husband so fondly use to tell me) that I only had him
around to take along on outings . It has only been 45 days since my Brian passed
away suddenly but I KNOW that he wouldn’t want me to sit around & cry and be so
upset about this… Lord knows I am not a “weepy” person but this was a BLOW
that has been hard to deal with. How do you go on when all you want to do is
curl up and cry about ALL the things you missed out with the one who you thought
would ALWAYS be there?
I know life goes on and I’ve tried to get out and do things but all I do when I
try is start crying and spoiling it for others. I think I’ll wallow a little
while longer but I do know that I WILL get stronger each day.
Norma B.
Hello, again to my dear, dear friends….
I see the page has updated, so don’t forget to read previous comments to catch up on our posts.
I think everyone is having a bad day after the long weekend and we all need to take a deep breath. Remember, SMELL THE ROSE THEN BLOW OUT THE CANDLE? I hope it helps.
Hi, Norma, Always great to hear from you. Having an out-of-sorts day is very commonplace and I wish you weren’t sad, but the circumstances we face are very sad. As far as sending your e-mail for a cup of coffee….hold the draft for a couple of days till feeling better and then follow your heart. All of us want our men back….the original. As you’ve said before, no one could ever take Martin’s place. A new relationship would be just that….new. Also, congrats again on your acceptance to the uni. That will be a good, positive direction. We’re all proud of you, Norma. Stay strong and know you are loved and cared about.
Dear Elizabeth and LeAnn….
What can I say? I do know the grief you are feeling. It’s so difficult at times, you feel you can’t move or breathe. It’s all consuming. Why this happened I’ll never have the answer to. It’s a hell like no other. We have each other and that’s a start….a good start. I’ve read somewhere recently that talking with others who have lost their husbands is better than grief counseling. Our husbands would not want us to be like this, but how else can we feel? As Lori told me earlier….baby steps. We do have our children and they are going through a lot, as well. I witness that every day with our daughter. This is a good venting place and you will always be embraced with the loving arms of those who truly know what you are going through. When I read the other posts, I realize I’m not alone. We are all here for you. Please stay strong. You have support. Here we are…
This has been an exhausting day. I wasn’t able to fall asleep last night so I’m going to give it a try now. Hope all of you feel better.
Love, Marilyn
Hello friends. How come people are so stupid and lack empathy? It is like they are totally unaware of what we feel and naively think we can “get over it”. Get over it? I will never ‘get over it’. I visited with a lady yesterday who lost her husband in 1993 when he was only 44. She has remarried, but said she is thinks about and misses her first husband everyday and the love they shared. She said she loves her second husband, but it is different–not like her soulmate. Her first husband was the love of her life.
“Normal” will never be normal again. I just ache to see, touch, talk with my husband again. I miss him so much and the pain is so intense that I actually have to block it out at times to function. Tears flow easily don’ t they? Hugs, peace and joy, Lori
Hi Everyone,
Today has been ok so far. No break downs but I have a Dr. appt this afternoon and I am sure I will lose it talking to my Dr. My husband went to every Dr. appt with me, its just the way he was. Now just driving to Dr. without him seems like too much.
My parents are going camping this next weekend with a bunch of friends and said hey come out if you get bored. HAHAHAHAHA. I don’t think I have a bored feeling……my mind races constantly. How am I going to pay for things, I need to get that fixed, I need to mow the yard, the oil needs changed in the car. I am 45 years old and might as well be 80.
I ache too Lori. I know exactly what you mean. I just want to touch him and hold him. I have a video of him that I took when we went on a cruise last July and I watch it over and over. I keep reaching out and touching the screen. I really don’t know how to ease the pain either. Its like a ton of bricks are sitting on my chest. I tell myself to just breathe. I have been snapping at people at work. I don’t sleep. I even snapped at my puppies for no reason. Are the rest of you as mad as I am????? I am so angry, I thought I was going to lose it on two women at Lowes the other day. Talking about putting a little pond in the back yard and one said oh thats what we have husbands for and started laughing. I wanted to yell and you should appreciate what you have because you might end up in the same CLUB I am in now.
Hugs to all of you.
LeAnn
Good morning ladies….normally I just lurk and read..in the beginning I posted often but for some reason I had just stopped. Today I realized that being surrounded by people who dont have a clue is so frustrating and lonely that I needed to vent to those of you who really do “get it”! This last July 1st marked a year! That seems so devastating to even type…a year….!!!! We have done okay, kind of felt like we didnt really have a choice, this world will keep moving whether you move with it or not and I always told myself that the best way to honor my husband was to be strong and take care of our 4 yr old son! He has been a rock, he gets sad at times but he is amazing. I have started dating, which is an experience in of itself, but feels great to have adult interraction with people. Of course people talk, I guess they have some sort of guidelines in their mind I should be following…haha!! I miss my husband more than anything in the entire world….it is a pain that time isnt healing…you just deal with it…My husband passed away from a stroke in his brain stem and why on the year anniversary did my father suffer a stroke….? Yesterday my sons preschool watched Finding Nemo, this is about a dad looking for his lost son…..it set off an episode unlike any other my son has ever had. Keep in mind he is 4, he said that he is mad at God and Jesus because they only think of themselves, they didnt need his daddy like he did, why would they take him. He said he thinks God and Jesus are fake and that he only talks about them in preschool because he has to (its a christian preschool), he is afraid that when he finally goes to heaven that he wont be able to recognize his daddy!! He sobbed so hard with so much anger, screaming I wish my daddy could pick me up from school and he can never touch or hug him ever again, he can never go fishing with him….THIS IS THE HARDEST PART….as a mother I am furious because I cant fix it, my baby said Mommy life is unfair, why do my friends have daddies and I dont? How do I explain that to him. I can handle and understand the process of life and death, but not the pain it is inflicting on my little man…I feel helpless and a failure. Its creating a depression in me that I feel deffensless against. And people do not understand…………..thank you ladies for listening I know that you all do…..
Well I am 30 years old with 4 young children and my husband died last year from Crest Syndrome after a 9 year battle. I was not prepared for his sudden loss even though I should have been. My issue is the sudden dis-connect of my husbands family. His family has barely spoken to me since his passing, we were forced to move from our lavish home & not one of them offered any assistance. However they did insist upon retrieving family heirlooms from his grandmother’s. I did not grant them to them given their cold attitude after his death. I know my husband would be very ashamed of the fact that his own family doesn’t even call his children on a regular basis after just having lot their daddy. Has anyone else had an experience like mine. If so does anyone have any suggestions on how to not take this personal. Also another problem I faced after losing my husband was people asking me what I didn’t need or wanted to give away. My mother in law the day of my husbands funeral asked me to go through his closet which I did but now regret. I didn’t give my self time to grief or just sit and smell his clothes. I think the best thing I learned from everything is that no sudden decisions for at least 6 months should be made after such a loss. I now have grieved and gone through the process but now stay to my self. After seeing how greedy and manipulative people are after such a tragic loss I now choose to live a more quiet life.
To Cheryl
Let me say first that I am so sorry for your loss. I haven’t exactly been through what you described but it seems that MY own family is the one that seems to be manipulative & greedy. although some of my husband’s “friends & family have been sneaky, too.
My husband recently passed and its been 45 days now and I am still missing him so much.
My husband was a very giving and generous man and now his family, friends even co-workers expect me to continue where he left off. I am not a mean person but some people really have nerve.
One of his co-workers who is also his cousin told everyone at the repast that he KNOWS Brian has left me very well taken care of so I think they feel as if I SHOULD continue to “take care of them” Ladies these men are over 40 and still looking for someone to bail them out of all the messes that place upon themselves.
I’ve even had some of his “friends” asking me what am I going to do with his motorcycle, his boat & even his car….( i already have 2). One “friend” even asked me about his clothes. ARE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS? I have an older son who is 25 who was there when they even asked about the food and liquor (I don’t drink). My son was appalled and pretty much told them that if I NEVER DRANK A DROP it was mine to do what I wanted to….(gotta love the kid)..
ANYWAY with regard to my family. … It makes me wonder if all the “help” I’m getting with trying to sell some of my husband’s possession… (he was a truck driver w/several trucks) are they REALLY helping are is it because they will know what funds I will have available once these transactions are completed? I love my family but since my husbands death people are really starting to get on my NERVES…. My mother even asked me “How much money are you going to get?” Really?…Really? I just told her what did it matter? I would give it ALL BACK to have my husband again……
And this morning I find a beautiful flower arrangement from Pro Flowers but no card attached? Guess I’ll wait & see who there are from but if its from someone trying to come on to me… OH BOY!!! I think I will really lose it…but for now I’m thinking they were sent by my husband and that thought has my dry-eyed this morning for the 1st time in about a month. So I’ll hold onto this feeling for a little while longer.
Thanks Ladies for listening…
Much love & prayer to all
Norma B
Twitter: miraclady
July 7, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Dear Ones –
Haven’t chimed in here for a while so I thought I would today to tell you how brave you all are and how grateful I am for the miracle of this venue I accidently created. I believe it was divinely inspired.
I read all your posts every day. You are so good at helping each other. I am so proud of all of you.
One thread that keeps coming up is that people do not understand and do not provide the support you require.
They simply don’t know how. They don’t know what to say.
I lost a son in an accident at 21. His name is Mark. I had no one to talk to about it. And I could not even talk to my other sons. They were in too much grief themselves. I have one son who actually walks out of the room if his name comes out. And it has been a number of years.
Keep coming here. We will listen.
So much love to all of you.
Corinne
I will pass along a bit of wisdom that was bestowed on me by my wonderful Roger who I lost in September of 2003. Several years ago, after the loss of my father, I was wallowing in grief and just couldn’t seem to shake the feeling of doom and gloom, even though he had been gone over a year and I desperately wanted to feel better but somehow couldn’t. Roger said to me, “You know you’ll feel better eventually, right?” I answered that yes, I knew I would eventually feel better. Roger smiled and simply said, “Why not choose to feel better now?” I told me I couldn’t. He said, “What’s stopping you from feeling better, your dad?” I said, “No, of course not. My dad isn’t making me feel bad. It’s not his fault he’s gone.” Roger said, “Then what’s stopping you?” I thought about it for a moment and replied, “Me, I’m the one stopping me from feeling better.” That’s when Roger said the most miraculous thing to me, that I’ll never forget. He said, “Then why not choose to feel better right now instead of sometime in the future. If you know that you’ll eventually get over the loss of your dad, why not choose happiness over sadness today, so that you don’t waste any more precious time feeling bad when you could feel great!” Mind over matter, ladies. Mind over matter in its simpliest form. That’s the day I chose to feel happiness over sadness. My dad was gone but so many other family members and friends were still hear to love and enjoy and get to know in ways I hadn’t even thought of before. I grieved and then I chose to move on.
Hi again Ladies,
Just wanting to comment to Cheryl… I was fortunate that someone told me not to deal with anything for a few months… as far as giving anything away. But I had my husband’s brother and grown up son going through my cupboards taking things etc.. and treating me like a divorcee rather than a widow… this was while my husband was in hospital and then I threw them out of my house…. very gently but firmly… okay.. not so gently – but they had been staying with me and all this garbage was going on so I told them that I couldn’t cope emotionally and needed them to find other accommadation. They were offended and then the rest of the family were really cold to me at the time of the funeral and I felt totally alone. … although some of them were really just trying to not get involved.
Since then I have had an appology from the son and some nice txt messages.
My advice is to use the excuse of your grief to take some space and time away from dealing with anything that is uncomfortable until you feel you can do things on your terms… if this is possible. Know that you are the centre of this and not the in-laws or anyone else and they should have to wait for your say so on anything. I am still hurt over the situation although I can understand that grief causes ppl to grab for things and brings out the worst.
Unfortunately we can’t go back and change the things that have already happened, so we just need to let go of them as much as possible and move forward. Hold tight to the real friends – some are closer than family.
Another God send for me was the minister at my church and his wife. They seemed to understand things that I hadn’t even put in words. They could see the family dynamics and made me feel justified in how I felt and assured me of my rights – they enabled me to stand up and tell the two blokes to move out of my house.
Hopefully in time your husbands family will realize your rights in all this, but in the end you can’t own or be responsible for their actions. I do hope it all works out for you – but more than anything I hope that you can find supportive ppl who’ll stand by you and give you strength.
Bye for now,
Niki
Seeing Corinne’s message made my heart leap. I want her to know how important the website she created is to me, as well as all of us. There’s nothing like it anywhere. Thank you, Corinne, for having the inspiration to create such a wonderful place for us to come. For me, it is the only retreat I have where I can express how I truly feel and know that I am understood and loved. It’s that simple.
I’ve been posting for just over a month. When I first discovered this treasure on the internet, I read the posts and then decided to write my heart out. If I hadn’t, I’m not sure if I would be here today. When I hurt, I write….that’s why I feel my wonderful man, Bob, guided me here. I’m so grateful to have all of you to communicate with.
Each day I see new names and am glad that other ladies has found their way to this oasis of comfort and friendship. While not one of us wanted to take this journey here, I’m so grateful I have all of you to turn to.
I heard from my only brother-in-law on Monday. I didn’t answer the phone cause I didn’t feel like talking, but I e-mailed him and told him how miserable I’ve been since May 7th and all the problems that have ensued since. He actually e-mailed me back and said he isn’t very good at putting things into words and that if he could be of any help with all the difficulties, to let him know….that two heads can be better than one. Not that I would ask, but to be honest, I was taken by the offer. So, I guess there is hope that some of our friends and family members will “see the light” and realize what a loss of this magnitude is all about.
Dear friend, Lori….Read your post and please know you are not alone going through this progression of grief and sadness. I talk to Bob’s urn every day and would give up every worldly possession to be with him and talk to him once again. Waking up from a short sleep and realizing I have yet another day to live without him is the worst. I sometimes don’t know what keeps me going. Sending you love, hugs and a rainbow.
Hi, LeAnn….Hope the Dr. is able to help you. Don’t worry about that oil change, or that lawn to be mowed or any of it. Think of what would make you feel a little better and be good to yourself. I, too, get angry when I see how others just take their lives and loved ones for granted. Here we are without the loves of our lives and there they are wondering about a pond. It’s so unfair. I envy that they have someone and I don’t, anymore. Please stay strong. We are all here for you.
Hi, Paula…..Even though you haven’t posted in a while, I’m glad you decided to write and let us know how you are doing. Sometimes, I feel my mind is a carousel that goes round and round….it never stops….and you can’t jump off. I admire all of you with young children trying to keep them afloat and survive yourself. My faith has been shaky lately and when I pray, I ask God, ” why?”….to test our strength during adversity?….and why did He choose us? I know your husband would be proud of you for all you’ve done during this past year. Keep on being the good mom you are. Whether you just want to read our posts or join in to vent, we are always here for support and understanding. Love and hugs to you and your little boy.
Hi Cheryl….After reading your post, I see a lot of similarities of what you’re going through with Brandi’s posts. I don’t understand why relatives act the way they do during a time when we need their love and support unconditionally. Corinne is right….they just don’t understand or provide the support you require….they simply don’t know how. I, like you, stay to myself as much as I can and keep within the boundaries I’ve set for myself avoiding those that don’t “get it.” I won’t waste my time any longer trying to figure them out. As I mentioned earlier, I was surprised to get a call and e-mail from my only brother-in-law whom I had given up on a while ago. So, I guess there is hope for some. Always know you have a wonderful group of friends here that will listen and relate.
Hi, Deborah…..I related to what your beloved husband, Roger, said and it made sense. I can only hope I will eventually feel better. I’ve been through both my parents’ deaths, which were traumatic and devastating, but the loss of my husband, Bob, a couple of months ago was the worst event I’ve endured throughout my entire life. I want to feel better now and I try. But, the doom and gloom returns with a vengeance. The hospice experience, which I wasn’t prepared for, caused me so much trauma. Maybe that’s why I’m unable to move forward. I don’t know. I’m always glad to hear when someone is able to move on. It gives me hope.
Well, enough of my rambling for now. Always remember, I’m here for all of you and look forward to your postings.
Love, Marilyn
Deborha – go girl, telling it like it is, and showing others how you handled it all, is the way to go. I bet you get frustrated at some of our sweet ladies because you can see how grief has affected them, and you want to show us all how “easy” it is to pick yourself up and move on.
Well “easy” isn’t probably the best word to use, but I can understand how “easy” it seems to pull yourself together and get on with it. How we each handle our journey in life is often guided by those we seek advise from, or not as the case may be. So although your post, seemed harsh and brutish, it is the otherside that we all need to hear.
You can not make a decision without all the facts. I was ready to move on 4 weeks after Martin died. As a realist I take life as it comes. But human emotions are a fickle thing, just when you think you are getting there, emotions kick in and you are back to square one. So be patient with us and write some more about your own experiences. I for one, would like to hear how you get through birthdays and anniversary, how you make them more bearable (hints and tips if you like). The next anniversary for me is my mum’s birthday she would have been 65, followed a few weeks later with my wedding anniversary. Help me through it, if you can.
As to dating, or waiting for a sign. I want to date, I don’t need Martin’s ghost to tell me it’s OK, but I don’t know how and I’m scared. I don’t see myself as an attractive woman, I have some attractive qualities but I ain’t no super model. I’m scared of making a fool of myself, I’m scared of trusting someone I don’t really know and if I’m truthful, I’m scared of rejection. I will get a handle on it, but I find it difficult to make the first move (a bit old fashioned that way). so if you have any hints or tips in Dating, PLEASE let us know.
My head is all over the place, a lot of change has happened in the last few weeks and I’m finding it difficult to shake this mental exhaustion I feel. Life sucks, and as Deborah knows, only YOU can make it better, but as we all know, do we want to?
Strength and love coming your way. Keep ranting/venting/telling it like it is/telling us howyou feel.
I love you all.
Normaxxx
I think you hit the nail on the head with the “dating” topic. It is such a crazy world out there how do you know who to trust? My friend said do background checks on them. Wouldn’t that make them think you are a little paranoid? Or maybe you can do it without them knowing? I am afraid of dating as you don’t really know someone til you live with them. An old cliche but can be so true?
Any advice?
Hi friends, Maybe seven years from now I will be able to post something similar to Deborah’s post, but I am not at that point yet. It will only be 7 months. Grief is a very personal thing and your own relationship with your husband a very personal thing that cannot be dismissed as something to “get over” quickly. I’m with Norma, tell us your experiences and how you coped with anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, etc. I would love to hear from someone with 7 years under their belt.
LeAnn, I know where you are coming from–sometimes I just cringe when I hear the word “husband” and want to scream. While watching the 4th of July fireworks with family and friends the couples sat holding hands or cuddling up, etc. I sat alone. I was surrounded by people and never felt so alone.
Hello my wonderful Marilyn, I think about you daily wishing we could go have coffee someday. Sending you love and hugs.
Denise, I am thinking of you and know the 4th was a day you were not looking forward to. Sending you strength and peace.
Love to all my friends,
Lori
XXXXXX
Hi Friends,
Thank you Deborah! Great and simple wisdom – not always easy as sometimes things sneak up on you – but it is so important to be reminded to “choose life” . I know of a lady who had lots of grief in her life and she keeps “grateful books” – she focuses on the good things deliberately, even if only for that while she is writing, just to keep some perspective.
I think I need to be reminded of this stuff often and I so long to feel … normal.. and Iam aware I do have many wonderful ppl around me.
Thank you.
Bye for now,
Niki
My husband passed on June 5th. I have posted here a few times. The 3rd of July would have been my anniversary it was very hard for me. My daughter and the grandkids went to a family gathering on that day.(his Family). They are all wonderful , he has 5 sisters and a brother. They all take turns calling and checking on me. We have some awesome friends that also try to make sure I’m not curling up in a corner. One of our best friends has made it his mission to make sure he looks after me for my husband. I feel bad because he has a family of his own but he still makes time to call and check on me. I do have alot of support for that I am so grateful.I still miss him so bad. I know I can’t change anything but I want him here with me so bad.I keep telling myself that he did not suffer long and sometimes that helps me get through a bad time those tears seem to show up out of the blue. I am seeing a counselor and I am hoping that will help. This whole thing just sucks. Sorry to vent like this but it does make me feel better thanks for listening. my heart goes out to all.
Corinne, I was just catching up on the posts and read yours. Did I read that correctly? You lost your son and your husband? I am so very sorry. Maybe we all need to learn something from you about grace and courage. Love to you, Lori
Well, my lovely friends, I’m going to put my “two cents worth” in…so here goes: WITH ALL DUE RESPECT….
When I read Deborah’s reply to Karen’s post of July 7th (3:34 a.m.), I sensed a tone of bitterness. The statement: “After several weeks of being miserable and wallowing in your sadness, aren’t you sick of yourself yet?” affected me deeply. Maybe I’m not the realist that Deborah is, and she certainly is entitled to her viewpoint, but the word empathy comes to mind. I’m not sick of myself yet. I’m a lady in mourning.
Will post more later. Love you all. Marilyn
Marilyn, I agree with you completely. There is no time frame here and even though we find similarities in other people”s postings, nothing is cut in stone. We can’t possibly know exactly what is going on with another. I’ve read and been told by councilors and my Dr. there is no time-frame. Each of us will know when the cloud and heaviness has nearly lifted (notice I said nearly lifted because I don’t know if it will ever be complete…just better). Until then, we will support each other the best we can under the circumstances. Love and Light to you all.
Good Morning my friends,
I have come to hate the weekends. Today marks 11 weeks without the love of my life. Saturday mornings were so special for us. We would stay in bed with our puppies and snuggle before we would start the day. My husband was a big Teddy Bear with me. A Cop to the outside world, a savior to me. I used to be afraid of death and now I am not. I know he went through it and if thats what it takes to be with him again I am not afraid. I would not take my own life but I would be lying if I said it has not crossed my mind many times. But I would never do that to my children. My stepdaughter told me last night if God was ready for you to be there you would be. She is a wonderful girl and I am blessed to have the relationships that I have with my step children. My own daughters do not have patience with me. I raised them to be independent girls because I have always been that way myself but sometimes I think I made them too hard. They keep telling me mom we admire you because your a strong woman what is wrong with you. I said I have never had anything bring me to me knees before. I never loved someone so much in my life and had it ripped away from me in a flash of minute before my eyes. I am sure he would not want me to “wallow” in my grief and YES I am totally SICK of myself and do not want to be this way. I tell myself daily to STOP this crap. But then all of the sudden something reminds me of the huge loss I have and the big hole in my heart and the lump in my throat that won’t go away and I cry like it just happened all over again. I am not the kind of person to be alone. I don’t want to be alone. But I don’t know how to go on.
I wish we could meet up and just have a venting session and hold each other. I know the heaviness we are all feeling and I find comfort here. I wish I could snap my fingers and fix it for all of us. I keep trying to find things that will fill my emptiness but nothing is working. I pray for us contantly and will continue to do so even though there are days I believe I am angry with God for taking my love from me. I tell him I know that it is his decision but I wasn’t ready for him to go yet and I know I never would have been.
Marilyn, You are so right that there is no time frame. I went to the Dr. this week and those were his exact words to me. He said maybe in a few years you can look back at this journey you are on without so much pain but right now its too fresh not to hurt and grieve everyday. When I hear the words “in a few years” I almost go into a panic. I know how precious every minute is now and sure don’t want to be this way for a few years. So I try not to think about the future. But thinking about the present isn’t any fun either. My only times of I guess peace are at work and sleeping. I always have said I would not become obsessed with work like I have seen many people do in my life but I can see how it can happen.
My oldest daughter is having a baby in November and my youngest is getting married next may. She just got her engagement pictures done. So I am trying to focus on these things and not my loss.
Are any of you in Kansas???
Hugs to all of you. Hope your weekend is the best that it can be.
LeAnn
http://animoto.com/play/rm2q0R7PBqkotln7DgvqPw
I decided to share the link to my daughters engagement pictures with all of you. Just copy and paste it into your browser. Its a really awesome video and it makes me smile whenever I watch it, so I thought maybe you might enjoy it too. The guy that does this is really very good at what he does. He put it to music as well. I guess you will all be able to tell I am in Kansas when you watch it!!!
LeAnn
Thanks for sharing the link, LeAnn. Such a good looking couple! Brings back sweet memories of when my husband and I were so very young and joyfully in love. I’m sure it does the same for everyone else here. We’re so blessed to have our memories, but so sad to have to reflect on them without our ‘other half.’
Jeanine
Hello Ladies, LeAnn what a beautiful daughter–isn’t it nice to see your baby so happy. My oldest daughter got married in April. It’s those times that get us through. I will tell you though, the wedding was bittersweet without her dad, my husband. I’m not too far from Kansas, I’m in Minnesota. I do have relatives in Dodge City.
Marilyn my wonderful friend–thank you for stating what I was feeling also. I am not sick of my self I am a woman in mourning. I am sick of many different things, but I am not sick of myself. I am simply put, heartbroken and surviving at the moment.
Like I said earlier, grieving is a personal thing. I agree with my ladies, there is no time frame.
Love and Hugs, Lori XXX
Hello friends, I made a list of what I miss daily:
my companion
my lover
my encourager
my “entertainer”
my source of delight
the one who shares our private jokes
the one who knows me so well
my shoulder to• your cook
the arms that embrace and comfort me
my best friend
Stuggling today for some reason, but it is the weekend.
Love to all, Lori
Thank you Norma, thank you Marilyn, thank you Niki. Since I AM seven years out from losing Roger, I DID thank it would be help for some of you to hear from someone who has walked through fire and come out the other side relatively intact.
To those of you who still measure your loss in a handful of weeks, I’m in no way suggesting that you “get over it.” Of course, it’s ridiculous to even begin thinking about moving on, dating and possibly remarrying when it’s only been a few weeks since you lost your husband. But if it’s been more than a couple years and friends and family have alternated between pulling away from you and telling you to “get over it”, then perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your situation and your perspective on your life. Are you clinging to the past or living in the present? Are you still dragging yourself from task to task, merely going through the motions? Do you prefer to hole up in your bedroom watching old videos of your dead spouse rather than going out with friends? Do you still cry each and every day over him? After a couple years, certainly it’s reasonable to suggest you might need some professional help to discover why you’re still stuck in the first phase of grieving? Or are you depressed (or were you depressed before his death) and his loss is merely the excuse to continue to feel bad about life? Please be careful, ladies. Habits are so easy to make and so difficult to break. Grab hold of your lives with a vengence! As far as a I know, we only get one “go around.” I’m not suggesting that you “get over” the person you were married to. How could you? I still love my Roger. But I’m no longer grieving, and that’s the difference. I’ve been through nearly every emotion each of you have experienced – wishing I could see him one more time, have one more conversation with him, so I could get a chance to say goodbye; still holding onto items of his clothing and wishing they smelled like him forever; looking at his photos and talking to him and wishing he would answer me back; thinking that he’s trying to communicate with me every time a stray ice cube shoots out of the refrigerator door for no reason ’cause that’s what he jokingly said he’d do to communicate with me from beyond the grave; bringing up his name in converations that have nothing to with him because it makes me feel good to hear his name and include him in what I’m doing, plus I want to continue to remind everyone of my loss and I don’t want them to forget how horrible it has been to lose him; thinking about the days passing in terms of how far away I’m getting from the day he died; thinking about time passing in biblical terms; i.e., BRD and ARD (Before Roger died and After Roger died). I could go on and on. I’ve been asked, how did I make it through? I was so miserable. If someone had offered to shoot me just so I could be with Roger again, I would have taken them up on their offer. That’s how sad I was. What happened to me quite simply is this: After one year of a lot of grieving and a lot of time spent talking with a psychologist, I decided to date again. After a year passed, I thought back over how drastically my life had changed since Roger died and I thought long and hard about what I needed in my life to make myself happy again, and what I realized is I wanted to be a couple again. I enjoyed being part of a couple, I loved being in love and having someone in love with me. I realized I still had an enormous amount of love to give to someone, perhaps even more love than I had with Roger, as if Roger’s death had multiplied my love quotient, if that makes any sense? To LeAnn, I can relate to what you wrote about your daughter not having any patience with you because my son was the same way. He had no patience with my grieving, perhaps because I had always been the tough one, the strong working women taking on the world. Like you, LeAnn, I went from superwomen to a wretched, horribly sad women – and I felt overwhelmed by my grief. I didn’t know how I was ever going to get through it. I kept telling people that it wasn’t just an emotional hurt, but a physical one as well. My heart actually physically ached for Roger, that’s how miserable I was. My heart hurt. I kept asking my sister-in-law who had lost her husband (my brother) a few years earlier, when was it going to stop? When was I going to feel better, feel normal again? When would I be able to go a whole hour without crying? Well, what happened was life. I went from one hour without crying to two then three then half a day, then a whole day, then one day I noticed that it had been a few days since I had cried. Progress! I had the luxury of not having to return to work for nine months, which may have been a hinderance to the grieving process, I don’t know. All I do know is that after a year I decided to get back out there and date again. After a couple years, I was proposed to by a man I had first known as a good friend for over 20 years. He had been in Korea on business when Roger died and so wasn’t here for the funeral. But weeks later when he returned, he came to see me to make sure I was okay. Then, after that visit, he periodically started visiting me every so often and taking me here and there, to lunches, to dinners, to his folks’ house – including me in his family celebrations. After ab0ut a year of that kind of stuff, I walked him out to his car one evening, and we stood in the driveway talking and he kissed me. Out of the blue, he kissed me. I felt like someone had thrown a switch – it was magical, it was electric! I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “Brian, you can kiss!!” I had never thought of him in a romantic way, only as a friend. I was kind of oblivious to his feelings for me, romantic feelings that were developing right under my nose. Since he and Roger had been good friends, I’ll admit there was a certain amount of comfort in the idea of dating someone who knew and even shared much of our history. What started out as a friendship, grew into a very deep love. Now, I feel as if I was always meant to be exactly where I am today. If someone had told me a few days after Roger died what the future held in store for me, I never would have believed it. There is a certain amount of serendipity to life if you’re able to pull back from it and look at the bigger picture. So, all you ladies who are still incredibly sad, believe me when I write that there is someone else still out there waiting to be with you, if you want it to happen. The fact that you are so miserable only stands as a testiment to how much love you are still capable of feeling and are still capable of giving to another human being. I believe my capacity to love really grew after Roger died. If I had gallons of love before, I know have an ocean of love to give to my husband, Brian. I love him all the more because of what I lost with Roger. It all fits. It’s as if I had to go through what I did with Roger to get to the point I’m at now. Of course, I didn’t think this way right after Roger died. I mean, I had a good life with Roger, a home, dogs, each of our kids. We were a family. And I loved him like I never thought I would ever love a man or be loved by a man. We finished each other’s sentences. We were in our 40′s when we first became a couple. Each of us had very bad first marriages and because we each took our wedding vows seriously, we each stayed in our respective marriages for years longer than we should have. When we eventually got together, it was magic! Our hearts were truly in sync. But life happens when you’re having fun 0r not paying attention. Roger went to work that morning and never came home again. I felt like he had been literally ripped away from me. His last coherent words were “Call Debbie, call Debbie.” And I felt like God was punishing me for being so incredibly happy. I felt like God thought I should never have divorced my first husband. Like 22 years of marriage wasn’t enough. Like I wasn’t entitled to be happy in this lifetime. Such crazy thoughts I had back then! My head was full of them. I felt I was drowning in my grief. Everywhere I looked, I felt horrible sadness and anger and disbelief at what had happened to me. And I kicked and screamed at the unfairness of it all. But life goes on and I got through it, and so will each of you. And you’ll come out the other side a stronger person. Of course, you’ll be a person who preferred not to gain more strength by losing your loved one, but you can’t argue with God. At least not in this lifetime. Do you think widows get a special audience with God when they die? Do we get to meet with the big guy and tell him just what we think of his big “plan”?
Hello to my online “pen pals”….Don’t know what I’d do without you.
Had a little problem yesterday with my online connection and wasn’t able to post. For me, that was like taking a bottle away from a baby. I was lost. So glad I can post, once again.
My beautiful friend, Lori: I read your posts and we are definitely “on the same page.” First of all, having coffee with you would be a dream come true. Maybe, one day, that could be a reality. As LeAnn said, it would be so wonderful if all of us could group together and talk, talk, talk, to our heart’s content. Thank goodness we have one another through this beautiful website Corinne has created for us. When I read her post about losing her son, I thought about the bravery and courage she had to find within herself to get through it all. I know we’ve all dug really deep to find our own to keep going. I’ve come to realize the emptiness and heaviness we feel just isn’t going to go away, no matter what we try to do. It just isn’t. Like I’ve said before, and I’ll be redundant, life without the guy who made it all complete and special isn’t going to come together easily, IF AT ALL! Oh, Lori….Don’t we wish we didn’t have to wake up each day with the void we facel. I read your beautiful daily miss list( four times) and it truly says it all for me. I understand how weekends are more difficult. LeAnn’s post about the weekends describe how it is for us, as well. My beautiful daughter, Rebecca, who is deeply mourning the loss of her dad, told me the other day….”Mom, don’t ever feel guilty about the way you feel after losing daddy.” And she’s right. None of us should feel guilty or criticize ourselves for feeling the way we do. It is what it is….AND IT ISN’T FUN. We’re all intelligent women and each and every one of us realizes we have lost someone who was so much a part of our productive and fulfilling lives. We can’t erase him nor fill the void. It’s going to take time….a lot of time…. and maybe that void will never be filled. I don’t know. I’ve never been through anything like this in my entire life. I will say, though, I’m so grateful we’re here for one another. Bottom line….(as Bob would say):
Do the best we can in the present….hold on to those precious memories without convuluting them, too much, with the process we went through losing them (I’m having a lot of trouble with this one) and let the future be its own destiny. So glad we’re friends. Your friendship means a great deal to me. Now, when I have a cup of coffee, I think of us talking. I’ll take a “raincheck” for the invitation. Miles never separate friends; our hearts connect us as if we were right beside one another. Lots of love and hugs to you and your children, Lori. (another rainbow, too)
Everyone’s support, love and friendship mean more to me than words can express.
Dear LeAnn, Read your post. You have my heartfelt support and love. This event brought me to my knees, as well, and I’ve been through some very difficult times throughout my life. Our husbands do not want us to be hurting the way we are, I realize that. But, please don’t be hard on yourself for not being able to cope as well as you think you should be coping. I’ve said the same…”Stop, this crap!” Doesn’t work. I’ve often wished I had a job I could go to so that I didn’t have to “think” so much. I’m glad you have that diversion…it can only help. Congratulations for the upcoming grandbaby. You see, there are beautiful blessings ahead. Please, don’t feel guilty about the way you are feeling, LeAnn. Nature will take its course and there is no timeline for nature’s process. I, as well, wish we could meet up, have a venting session and hold on to one another. Hopefully, one day; but, for now, we are all here for you, always.
Remember….Whenever you feel lonely….or just plain sad and blue….there is a friend named Marilyn….who always thinks of you.
All of you….
Everyone’s love and support mean more than words can express.
Just a thought….I wonder, how would a phone call feel?
Hello, friend, Terre….After Bob’s passing, my daughter and son-in-law are in the process of adding me to their cell phone plan since the plan I’m currently on is expensive and I no longer need what I once had. No land line….too expensive. We can communicate on my husband’s e-mail address of : rkumbo@aol.com, though. I would really like that. All my friends here are welcome to e-mail me at that address. Okay?
Love and light to you, Terre….Stay strong. Love, Marilyn
Dear Deborah, Thank you for your most recent post. I have a better perspective of what you’ve been through. Hearing from someone who has “walked through the fire” and remained relatively intact gives me ,and all of us, hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It may not be any time soon, but reading your post gives us all some glimmer of hope and the foundation we need at this time. I respect what you’ve been through and envy where you are. In the meantime, I’ll continue to look forward to your insightful postings. Maybe, one day I may be of help to a “newcomer” traveling this lonesome, confusing and fearful path, and that’s where your friendship and support fill in those empty spaces.
LeAnn, your daughter looks lovely. I hope you can find joy in their happiness and wish them a beautiful life together. Gosh it feels great seeing a young couple embark on a life together. I wish I was them!! They have so much to look forward to and plan together. It almost makes me want to do it all again, but even more respectfully and caringly than before.
Deborah, that leads me to your message. I think it takes great courage to explain all your feelings. I do do think I understand what you mean about having more love now to give than before. I can’t imagine who I would end up with and how anyone could stack up against my darling Steve but I really do know I’ll need a partner. I am that type of person. I come across as independent and strong but that’s through sheer necessity. I truly want to nurture and share. I even question how good I was at it with Steve. I mentioned early days on this great site that Steve was the one who left the last chocolate for me, who always thought about others needs before his own. It was such an amazing quality to witness when the intentions were so genuine. He made me feel selfish, even though I am a giver. His actions made me feel like my own care came with conditions or lessons or discipline. That it wasn’t pure and simple giving. Of course it was on so many levels but I always felt he was just so much more superior when it came to making one another comfortable when sick, hungry, tired or cold. Now I feel like I want to use everything he taught me to make someone else feel as special. Maybe that’s the gift he gave me. I am in now hurry to find anyone else but I do hope it happens with someone equally as special. I worry it won’t and that my daughter and I will live a lonely life, with me always envying the big families, the multiple car seats in the backseats of cars, the friendships and memories brothers and sisters build together. How will my daughter be a rounded individual without siblings (she has a half brother and sister 10 years older) and a father. I feel a partner will help, and almost hope that partner has young kids so that life at home came be crazy and chaotic. If I can’t have that with Steve, that really is what I want. Thanks Deborah for giving me something to think about.
Lori, as Marilyn says, your list strikes home. I think it’s amazing we all miss the same things in such different men, no doubt. How could so many lovely women who were living good lives be left so distraught.
We do have to overcome it. I hope we all can. I don’t fear death either and want it to speed up so I can be with Steve again and get away from the pain. I too am not suicidal but death takes on a new meaning.
My weekend was sad. It is 3 months so we had a blessing at Steve’s gravesite and a Church service which I went to out of respect for Steve’s family and my daughter’s religion. Did I want to be there? No. But I do think that the Greek Orthodox ways probably bring the grief to the fore and help us process and move on. Well I thought so. But I went sliding down on Sunday afternoon. It all just felt even more real. I just could not stop crying once I was alone and our daughter was sleeping. Luckily I kept an appointment with a friend and that cheered me up. We have services at 6 months and a 9 months and a 12 months and every year after that. His family go to his grave every day. I just can’t. I even avoid too many photos and videos of Steve. I am sick of crying and having my heart wrenched. Well let’s just say there is a time and place. And when the time is wrong, it’s really wrong.
I am moving back to HK this weekend. My mum is accompanying me for the first 3 weeks as we settle in a new apartment and unpack 300 boxes. I really have no idea what to expect at home or when I finally go back to work. I am scared and while I know it’s the right decision, I feel strange that I am leaving my family again and my cocoon. I am returning to HK as a single mum and widow. Wow. I just would never have dreamed this scenario, never.
Marilyn, I know how you feel about needing this site. I probably won’t have much access during my move but I can promise you I will be rifling through boxes for our computer and calling my IT friends quick smart to set me up so I can stay in touch.
You all mean so much to me.
Love to all, Kate x
Twitter: miraclady
July 12, 2010 at 9:29 am
Dear Ones -
Sit down. I have a surprise for you.
A few who have been widowed for some time have been asking, very tentatively, about the possibility of dating. (Gasp)
So for those, I have written a whole article. Having had a lot of experience with Internet dating, I decided to share all that I know about it.
Please don’t think I am suggesting dating. This is information, just in case. You are perfect just as you are.
Copy this link into your search browser exactly as it is here.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/internet-dating-for-widows-and-newbies-official-drivers-manual/
Or you may just be able to click on it and it will just come up.
I can’t wait to hear the feedback.
I love you all.
Hello everybody and Corrine,
I have been reading the posts all the time. I remember how it has helped me thru my grieving of my dear Barry. It has been 2 1/2 years now. I worked hard on myself and came a long way with the help of my spiritual family and personal friends.
One day about a year or so…I was so angry at Barry for leaving me with all those feelings that I had to deal with. I signed up with Spiritual Singles and filled out a profile. I told Barry…Take That! Several people contacted me thru the site and I would politely say “Thank You for noticing me” and I let them go. I continued working on myself and taking my Ministry classes to expand and grow.
Well, a month ago…someone contacted me thru the site. Somehow…I like what his profile stated. He likes to laugh and see the humor in life besides being spiritual. We have been emailing back and forth and spoke several times on the phone. Let me tell you…he does not know how I look. There is not picture on my profile. I asked him how did he find me all the way down here in South Florida…He is in Canada. I told him that there must be other spiritual beautiful women in Canada. He told me that that is no others like me!
By the lifetime of experiences…we do know what we like and want. I asked him…if Barry had sent him. My Pastor’s wife told me that Barry is sitting on the right hand side of God. Knowing my Barry…he is knudging God with his elbow and asking “What about his Mary”. Do something for her!
This person knows about Barry. He needed to know that Barry will always be with me in spirit and thoughts. I finally sent him a picture of me.
I am still processing things thru. Those are my thoughts for right now.
I am in the process of putting together a Sacred Circle at my place of work. I hope that I can help change the energy and thought process of the elderlies…filling them with positiveness…that I cook for. Now as a Reverend, I hope to make a difference in their spirituality.
Humbly,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hope everyone is doing well. Sorry I have been doing more reading than writing but so busy and tired. Welcome to the new folks and sorry about your loss of your husbands. I hope to post an update soon. I need to get to bed as I have an early day today…
As I sit here in the quiet, early morning hours each day, I think, and reflect the accomplishments throughout my life and the shortfalls. My husband, Bob, was, without a doubt, a presence like no other. I think that’s what attracted me to him….his confidence, how he carried himself and how he took care of things. I admired him (still do) so much. It was love at first sight….something I never believed in. Me? I didn’t have the degree of self confidence he did. He always told me that I was too trusting and many times taken advantage of because I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings. I’ve been told by many that I was a saint to have understood this dynamo of a man, but I never really understood what they were saying. For me, he was my dream come true. He set a high standard for me to live up to and I welcomed the challenge. That’s what I miss most. The challenge. I was the one who was the “fuss budget”, the careful one, detail oriented, and it drove him nuts. He was more impatient about things….quick decisions sometimes proved costly. All in all, we complemented each other…. and it worked. I’m a “newborn” of nine weeks without the love of my life. What I keep forgetting is many of my friends here are younger, some more resiliant. Many of us may choose, for now, not to put themselves “out there.” I’m comfortable with that option. Others may be entertaining the thought of rebuilding their lives with another; they have love to give and why not share that love once again. I do see both sides now.
Mary Lotus Butterfly: You have such a beautiful soul. So spiritual. Pure. Please continue doing those wonderful things to help others and I hope your newfound relationship brings you happiness, peace and fulfillment. I love reading your posts. They are truly inspirational.
I loved what you said, Kate…It makes sense to me. First and foremost, I want to tell you that I’m so proud of you taking that big step of independence to HK. I’m also relieved that mum will be there to help.
I know its a bit frightening, but remember: Taking that next step, as scary as it is, makes you stronger. You’re close with your family and I know they will be there for you, no matter what. So many times our daughter, Rebecca, ventured out into an unknown. Some ventures succeeded, some didn’t, but she knew we would always be there for her. She would spread her wings to fly but she always knew she could return to the nest. She used to call Bob and I her “safety net.” You know, Kate, destiny is a funny thing and plays a part in most aspects of our lives….work, love, children, etc. I want to share a quote that I’ve reminded our daughter many times to remember throughout her young life:
“YOU CAN CHASE A BUTTERFLY ALL OVER THE FIELD
AND NEVER CATCH IT.
BUT, IF YOU SIT QUIETLY IN THE GRASS,
IT WILL COME AND SIT ON YOUR SHOULDER.”
Take things as they come to you, Kate. All of us look forward to hearing about your move, so hook up as soon as you can so we can hear all about it. Okay? Sending you lots of love, hugs and support.
Dear Corrine,
Just knowing you’re here for us brings me peace and comfort.
Hope everyone is holding up as best they can. I’m trying to keep myself from falling in those crevices of grief I so frequently stumble into. It’s very difficult. Saw Bob’s obituary on the internet today. Info. must have been picked up from the Death Certificate (public record). It just wasted me for the rest of the day.
Love, Marilyn
Deborah, thank you. Widows for Dummies is definitely something we should consider (and I mean that in a nice way).
Marilyn – my sweet dear friend. You have found this site to be a source of inspiration and a place to vent your grief, to get tips from the long timers and to comfort the new comers. I love you.
Kate, baby, good luck with the move. HK would be my choice as well. Stay in touch, if you can’t get online, a quick message on facebook and I’ll pass it on.
Corinne – so looking foward to checking out your article. I’m having coffee on a beautiful summers day, in sunny Dundee, so I’m going to leave it until I get back home.
Before my mum passed away, we talked about God. My mum believed in God and was happy with her faith, until she had a “rational” moment and saw how much life sucked. She knew I don’t believe in God, so I would say to her, “When you pass and you find out the truth, come back and tell me if there is a God, because then I will have no option but to believe and start going to church.” Well I’ve been trying to get my head around something that happened at the weekend.
My friend Hayley, took me back to the Spiritualist Church she attends. Everytime I go I’m lucky enough to receive messages (allegidly of course). This Sunday was no different. Ever the sceptic, but wanting so much to hear from them, I got a message firstly from my mum, quite simple, she told me to stop doing things for others and concentrate on myself, she just wanted to give me a hug and that I was to stop the tears, and become the life and soul of the party again. Everything she said was true, and I felt very lifted, because I miss my mum.
After the break, I got another message, a combined one this time. The spiritualist began describing my husband, Martin and then my mum came back. The message this time – they had made up. Mum and Martin were so alike that it caused friction between them, but I was glad they had made up. What choice do they have, as their urns sit side by side in my bedside cabinet. The way I put it a few weeks ago, punishment and it was time you started getting along. I was told to keep speaking to them, I go out in to the back garden to have a cigerette and speak to them both. They like this and I should continue. I’m about to start seeing Spirits, if I’ll let them in, and my mum made the sign of the cross, a very strong feeling of religion and faith when it comes through in a message. I’m denying the fact that this could be what I’ve been waiting for since mum’s passing, as it’s not the message I want to hear. I want a straight statement of fact “Nomme, there is a God, and me and Martin are here enjoying a smoke, a wee dram (in Martin’s case) and a nice pot of coffee.”
So I’m trying not to think about it too much, until the next time I go or I start seeing them myself. I am going to try and stop the tears, the hurt I feel for not having my husband with me, and for my mum as neither of them are here to console me over the other. I do want to date, but as Martin was my one and only relationship, so far, I don’t know what to do. I was a bit of tart in my younger days, but never tied myself down to a boyfriend until Martin came along. Now I have to start again, without turning back into a tart, which although can be appealing some days, I don’t actually think I’ve got the energy for it.
I will leave you for now, need to replenish my coffee.
Love and strength to you all, and know that after this weekend I feel more at peace than I have since it all began.
Much love
Normaxxx
aka theflyingpig
Marilyn, you are amazing. Your lingo is so forward and you don’t sound a day over 40. Even though I know you are older, you definitely stay very current and have a lot of life and love to give. Thanks for your amazing encouragement. I look to you as a friend, you look to me as a younger generation. It’s funny isn’t it. My parents are the same, they say “you don’t want us oldies around” when in fact we haven’t even thought about the age gap. We just want them around because they are fun. My friends adore my parents and their friends. We socialise well. No doubt we would too!
I too believe in destiny and hope there is more to come for us all. Bob sounds like quite a guy. I so “get it” that you had this dynamic that was unbeatable. nothing could be as good. You had this “thing” that was special and worked and he was unique and the best and how can the world simply keep spinning without his presence. I know that feeling so well. He rocked your world. And you know, you were so so so lucky to have that feeling. How it can be cut short I have no idea. I feel the same way. Cheated!!
Norma, thanks, I’ll be in touch for sure. You sounds like you have had a fairly amazing weekend. Don’t even go there thinking you are a tart. Have fun. you deserve it. We all have so many voices telling us what to do right now but you know we, of all people, should be given a few ‘get out of jail free’ cards. No one should judge themselves too harshly or beat themselves us. I for one will support you.
Happy days my lovelies, Kate xx
Today was an awful day. I feel as if since my husband has passed it has been one huge snow ball growing faster and faster downhill and I have no control. So many bad things have happened in my life and I can’t change them. I feel like a mess. I pray for just one good thing to happen to make me smile – my oldest son is going thru divorce and is being left with all the bills and two toddlers (ages 2 and 3-1/2) as his wife is too immature to handle life – doesn’t want to be responsible any longer. My younger is out of work and has been for some time. The economy is so bad right now here in FL. He had a job offer and said that it wasn’t enough to live off of – but my feeling is something is better than nothing – guess that is not the way kids today feel.
Just want to run away from my life. I know t his will pass but I can’t wait for it to pass. I struggle to get through my days at work while everyone else is smiling and having a LIFE! I come home to emptiness and no one to talk to. I have done pretty well until today. Just feel like the whole world came crashing in on me today.
Thank you ladies, for letting me vent. I know better days are ahead – just can’t see the forest through the trees.
God bless you and please keep praying for me and I do for you all.
Karen:
Read your post tonight and it was like someone was reading my mail there
were so many similarities. In some sad way it almost made my life seem more
normal. It will be 9 weeks on Friday since Dave died; I keep trying to tell
myself it will be easier tomorrow but so far it seems like I’m lying to
myself.
My daughter is going through a divorce, she has two children 12 and 16 – her
husband had an affair with a woman (also married) and it resulted in a
child. Son-in-law wanted my daughter to help him get joint custody but when
my da;ughter ended up in hospital with a bleeding ulcer he couldn’t find the
time to visit as he had lawyer’s appointments regarding the baby. She
finally smartened up and told him that their marriage was over; he left but
has not contributed any child support and that he will be damned if he will
give her a red cent. Said he would quit his job and go on welfare first;
interestingly enough he is paying $1500 a month to the woman for the
illegitimate child. Added to my daughter’s stress is her 16 year old has
been diagnosed with OCD and family doctor thinks he should see a
psychiatrist as he might be bi-polar.
My son is a single dad of a year old who has developmental disabilities;
the mother was bi-polar and started taking drugs during the pregnancy which
resulted in brain stem damage of the baby. She has since left which I
suppose is a good thing but it is difficult as my son has MS. Blessedly, it
is in the early stages but he is unable to work and is on a disability
allowance.
I have to admit that some days at work are stressful, but it is my saving
grace overall. My work is especially important right now as the survivor
benefits of Dave’s pension have not yet “been processed” and the life
insurance company has yet to issue a cheque. They apologize but “the agent
for that account has been on vacation” and there is a backlog!
The weekends are the most difficult for me — even with everything going on
in the family and trying to help with the grandkids (son and grandson live
with me), I feel so alone. Every now and then I just feel like giving up but
I know that my husband would expect more of me than that so I press on. He
was always my biggest cheerleader and he always appreciated every little
thing I did for him — now I feel no real sense of purpose — over the 43
years we were married he became my purpose.
Anyway, I also didn’t mean to vent but in some small sad way I hope that it
helps you to know that someone really can appreciate what you are going
through. Today as I was going to speak with the pension rep yet again, I
thought how pathetic it all was and wondered if it would ever get
resolved—as I thought that, I could almost feel Dave beside me smiling and
telling me it was okay, “you’re doing fine” and it gave me the strength to
push forward and get through this the fourth meeting. I am now told that I
should be getting a pension cheque at the end of August which is I suppose
better than not knowing what or when anything would be resolved.
Gina
Hello to all my wonderful, loving friends….
Dearest Corinne,
First of all, let me say how much this forum means to me and everyone else posting. Who would have known we would all become this circle of friends to love and support one another. I wish we could have found one another under different circumstances, but I truly believe we are here for a reason and a purpose.
While I’m not a candidate for internet dating or dating in general, my curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on the website. Wow! It was wonderful! So many useful hints for those ladies pondering the idea. I hope everyone here, whether they’re comfortable to pursue a possible relationship, or not, view it. You won’t be disappointed.
I want you to know how much we appreciate all you’ve done for us. To me, you’re our guardian angel guiding us through a most difficult time. I only hope we’re giving back to you what you have given to us. When I’m feeling exceptionally down, I’ll read the posts and I find the acceptance and understanding I so desperately need right now.
Thank you.
Norma, I speak from my heart. I’m glad to hear that what I have to say may give some of you that little bit of inspiration we all require now. All of you are helping me get through a catastrophic event, one I never knew was going to affect me the way it did. Without all of you, I’m a fish out of water. Stay spiritual. When I read of your experiences connecting with Martin and your mum, it gives me the courage to one day do the same. I’m preoccupied now with legal matters and my “new life,” but I’m constantly entertaining the idea for my daughter and I to connect with Bob. I’m a little apprehensive because all I’ve had since May 7th is to look at and talk to his urn on the mantle. Also, don’t doubt yourself, Norma. You’re a beautiful spirit. Anyone having you for a friend or mate would be a very fortunate person and…. I LOVE YOU, TOO.
Dear Kate, I know you’re preparing for the big move to HK. My thoughts and love go with you. Really looking forward to hearing all about it.
Hello to Karen,
I can relate to all you’ve said….that snowball that keeps rolling and rolling, getting bigger and bigger and not seeing the forest through the trees. I wish I had a “quick fix” for all this misery and sadness we’re going through. I awaken from a short rest, and there it is….another day to get through without him. I feel useless. He used to love my cooking; I no longer cook. My heart goes out to you. If we lived close by, I would have you over so we could vent and talk.
Hi, Gina….It will be 10 weeks this Friday for me and it’s still “Groundhog Day.” I know what you mean about feeling no sense of purpose without Dave. Don’t feel like doing anything, anymore, but, like you said, our husbands would expect more of us and so we press on. It’s impossible to embrace life without them.
Hello to my friend, Lori. Think of you every day. Hope you’re days are lighter and brighter. Please let us know how you’re doing. Love you.
Having some concerns about daugher, Rebecca. Been very sad and depressed of late. Shortly after her dad’s death, we were both preoccupied with arrangments and trying to figure out what to do with me and my sister. She really didn’t have the time or space to deal with her loss. Now, I see little things going on that weren’t there before. A mother’s intuition is seldom wrong.
Sending everyone my love, comfort and strength..
Marilyn
Hi, all,
My sister forwarded this website to me, and you’ve all given me more strength, knowing how many of us are out there. I lost my husband a year ago in May, and there are still many days where I just sit and cry and would do anything to have him back, because we did everything together, whether it be working at our apartment, going for a ride, or just watching tv…….we were together. And now I feel so alone. Everyone I know has someone, and I don’t want to go anywhere because I feel like the 5th wheel, so it’s just easier to stay home.
It makes me feel more “normal” to read all of your comments; I know now that there are more of us out there and I am NOT alone. Things will never be the same; I know that, but like all of you, I would give anything to be able to have Louie back to make more memories, but I have to dwell on the wonderful ones I have.
Thank you all for giving me added strength to go on.
Hi Rose, welcome. I’m sitting in the kitchen reading the latest posts, and the song playing on the radio is Don’t let go, by Hurt. The corus, is Don’t let go, it’s a wonderful life, wonderful life. And it just seemed so right for you.
Don’t let go, come here for the strength you need when you needed. We all have good days and bad and thankfully not all at the same time. Let us give you the strength when you are finding it hard, and in return you can do the same for us.
Love and strength to you. Nxxx
Well ladies I’m about to go and check out Corinne’s advice on dating, although I don’t think it will help me get over my fears. My fear that I don’t find myself attractive so how could any man. I’m a confident person, I ouze confidence, but when it comes to myself I fear that finding a man is going to be hard. Anyway fingers crossed.
much love
Normaxxx
aka theflyingpig
Hi Norma and all,
I had to bring in Peace into my grieving and balance myself with the inner peace and outer peace.
I thought that I was not good enough…beautiful enough…damaged because of what I went thru. How could anyone else understand and respect me because of my feelings. Barry will always be with me in spirit and in my thoughts. I was so scared.
Because I filled out a profile on Spiritual Singles with memories of my love that I carry within me…someone answer the right way…all the way from Canada. He does not even know how I look. It was just thru our words of understanding, compassion, our spiritual higher beings…we connected. I finally sent him a photo of myself. I still have to work on myself…not to make comparison all the time. Eventually we will have our first date.
I know that I did not die. I am still breathing in and out. I am a full hot blooded woman on this earthy plane. I am just a whisper and one might just feel a slight breeze from my wings.
Humbly,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
It was so hot here in Southern California today, you could fry an egg on the sidewalk. Live near Northridge (where the big quake was in 1994) and the temperature at 3:00 p.m. was 106 degrees. How is everyone?
Dear Rose,
I’m so glad you found us. You will never feel alone and can come on line with us anytime, day or night, for comfort and support. I, for one, have been having an awful time. My husband died on May 7th after having been misdiagnosed for over a year and a half. The final and correct diagnosis of stage four lung cancer was presented to me on April 30th. He went into hospice care here at our home on May 2nd and passed away five days later. It will be ten weeks today I had to say goodbye. I’m so sad. I know each and every one of us would love nothing better than to turn back the hands of time and pick up where we left off, have our every day routine back and, most of all, have NORMAL back. Many times I’ve pinched myself in the hopes of waking up from a terrible nightmare, but I realize my reality. We welcome you with open arms and wish all of us had met under different circumstances. Everyone here is so supportive and comforting. I’m sure you can feel that from reading our posts. We are your companions and friends. You’ll never feel like a “fifth wheel” with us. Please keep posting; it truly will make you feel better and help us feel better, too. Sending you lots of love and a big hug.
Hello, friend, Norma…Before I married Bob in 1978, someone told me dating was like trying on new clothes. Keep trying them on until you find the perfect fit. Isn’t that the truth? Just keep trying on those “prospects” and wait for that “perfect fit.” Always remember, there’s no one harder on you than you. Just stay true to yourself and don’t doubt your instincts. A woman’s instinct is like no other.
Keeping my fingers crossed and sending my love.
Mary Lotus Butterfly….I feel the breeze from your wings. How beautiful you are.
Well, today marks ten weeks. Going through the motions….doing what has to be done and nothing else. I envy those that are living their lives while I’m existing in mine.
The bank has put a hold on my account. The attorney I have helping me with all this legal stuff didn’t send in the Relationship Change Form and he won’t be back in his office until Monday. I’ve been with the same bank for 25 years and the account is on hold!!!! I’ve chosen to laugh instead of cry on this one.
Thank you, all of you, for the love and support I’ve felt since my first posting. I find myself in a dark place and you bring me light and hope.
Hi All,
My name is Sherry and I live in Virginia, it is actually 6:55 am, I’ve been up since 4:00am this morning. I too have recently loss my husband he passed 06/06/10, 3 weeks before his 48th birthday, we have been together for 31 years, my high school sweetheart. I have been doing pretty good I must say but for the past 2 days I have felt like my heart has been truly ripped out!!! My husband’s name was Paul, that’s even hard to say because he’s not here anymore, we have 2 adult children and 7 grandkids that he loved so much. I miss my husband so dearly not only was he everything to me but he was the only man I have been intimate with, I was a virgin when we started dating so I know no other man intimately. I can’t even fathom the idea of another man touching me. I just want to say to all the ladies on this site and Ms. Corrine, oh my God I am truly not alone, this is an awesome site, I believe God lead me here this day, I have to give him all of the Glory because he is a present help in time of need, and I needed to read these testimonies today! I would like to say one more thing before I sign off, Ladies be encouraged and if you have no relationship with God please find one , he is truly a Keeper of our souls if we want to be kept! I will be posting again because I need this type of encouragement!!
Be Blessed My Sister’s, Love u in The Lord Sherry
Hi Sherry,
Thanks for your post and sorry for your loss. My loss has made me aware how inept humans are at comprehending death. My husband was a minister and Chaplain in the airforce (Australian) and as Christians in ministry you are often dealing with the reality of life and death and I always thought I had a strong grasp on it all… until he was dying from cancer… then I realized that I couldn’t get my mind around it. BUT … you are so right in your encouragement to find faith in God. It is the only thing that gives any hope. I’m assured and comforted in the fact that my darling man is in the arms of our loving God. That is all that I know.
Bye for now,
Niki
Sherry,
I so identify with you! I, too, married as a young virgin, and have had only one lover…. my wonderful husband, Don, who died from pancreatic cancer in June 2008. We had been married almost 43 years and have two children and two grandchildren. Like both you and Niki, I don’t understand God’s plan in taking our cherished husbands from us, but I do know that He is the source of all that is good, true, and worthwhile. I trust Him, and look forward to being with Him and Don in eternity. I just finished a book about this that I highly recommend, “Crossing the Threshold of Eternity” by Robert L. Wise.
While we are waiting for eternity, we all have the extremely difficult task of living this life without our partners. I’ve only been able to survive by going to our Lord in prayer whenever I feel overwhelmed by the many emotions that threaten to send me into ‘something’ that would consume me: pain, panic, despair, depression, etc…. a kaleidoscope of unbearable states of being. It’s been two years since my Don left this world and I am focusing on moving forward according to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, whenever I can discern it. It’s a daily step-by-step process, and I don’t know where it will lead me in this life, but I DO know where it is leading me for eternity!
Blessings to you and your, this day….. and always.
Jeanine
Hi Sherry, welcome. YOu are right, you have found a site that so many seem to gravitate to. Whether this is God’s doing or sheer luck (for the non-believers of which I’m one).
Stay strong in your faith, it will help you, but if you ever feel the need for a backup, come and visit us all here, because we will help you through as much as we can. Good days and bad, we are all here because of one reason.
Its been over 7 months since my husband died. Martin his name was and today I feel very emotional. I don’t usually cry when I read the posts, but its heart wrenching knowing what you are going through and the journey you have just begun. We have wise women here who help us with the strength we need to get through.
Take care, may your God be with you.
Much love
Normaxxx
aka theflyingpig
Hello friends, I am so grateful for this site. You are all my saving grave of unflinching listeners who have compassion and will not stifle my feelings of sadness. Everyone tolerates each other and our intense emotions understanding we all need the ability to express ourselves freely. You are all such a great help to me. I learn something of each of you. I have been struggling as there have been too many funerals to attend for friends. The week after the 4th there were 2 funerals–the first one resulted in an accident at work. The man was only 42 leaving behind his wife and 2 small children. The second one that week was a man only 34 that my husband coached in the early 90′s. He leaves behind his wife and 3 small children. Today was for a man who was 47 and suffered with cancer for months. He leaves his wife and 2 children. Monday will be a funeral for a friend’s mother. It has been too much. What in the world is going on?
Sherry, welcome to our inner circle. You will find friends and understanding here.
Marilyn, I thought of you Friday knowing how you struggle with Friday’s. Know I am always thinking of you. The whole bank thing will work out–it’s crazy the things we need to deal with now. Sometimes I just don’t have the strength to deal with it at the moment and I have to process things for a bit before I can look at the problem with reality again.
I truly wish everyone who is considering dating again the very, very best in this endeavor.
Love to all, Lori
Hello all my friends,
This weekend marked 12 weeks for me. I still feel like I can’t breath. He was such a powerful man and touched so many people. I still cannot go a day without someone coming up to me and telling me about something he did for them. Its nice to hear but it makes me feel my loss even more. Two of his officers came to my office this week to tell me that they were going to get his Police car back out to put on the streets. They had put it away so I would not have to see it. I knew it would be back out eventually. Our Fair starts August 4th and we have a big parade. They told me they are going to have Police Cars in the parade this year and they are going to do a tribute to my sweet Pat. They are going to get magnetic pictures made of him and put them on the sides of the Police Cars. I just started crying when they told me. So many of the officers looked to him as father figure. He has a way of making everyone feel important. And in a stressful situation he would find a way to make you laugh. He made me laugh every single day that we had together. I miss laughing so much. I know he would want me to laugh again. I just read the card he gave me this year for Valentines day and he wrote in it that he loves to hear my laughter.
Weekends have not gotten any easier. Still hate them now. I wander around the house in a daze. His presence is everywhere. I can’t seem to put things away. His bathroom is still as if he is here. I walk around picking things up and crying. Hearing that there will be some kind of future without so much of this pain makes me hopeful.
Sherry, stay strong. Keep coming here for some strength. It really does help to know you are not alone on this journey. God has a plan for all of us.
Lori, I am sorry you have had to attend so many funerals. It is all so exhausting. I am thinking of you.
To Everyone on here I am sending you hugs and prayers for strenght.
LeAnn
LeAnn,
I know how you feel ’cause my dear Roger was a therapist and helped many people in our large circle of friends. It’s hard for me to go to a party or function because invariably, someone will come up to me and tell me a “Roger” story about how he helped them. He was such a people person and was so charismatic and charming. Some days I can still hear him speaking about how to help with this life challenge or that problem. I can feel his strong arms around me and smell his aftershave when he hugged me. What’s so damn hard is the knowing that I’ll never be able to touch him again or hear his calm, reassuring voice. Life just isn’t fair.
LeAnn:
What a lovely tribute to your husband though I am sure it will be hard for you — seems many things in life are double-edged swords now. You need to find a way to laugh as I am sure Pat is waiting to hear it again.
Jackie:
I know how difficult it is to return to work, and each of us are different and need different things, but I wanted you to know that for me work has been my sanity. It is the one thing that seems to give me some degree of purpose and control. The first day was the most difficult but I am glad to have my job and colleagues to bring some normalacy to my life.
Last night I went to a get-togethe at the home of one of the fellows with whom I work. It was basically the first time I have ventured out into the “couple” world on my own. It was a huge step for me; I was only able to stay for a couple of hours but I feel a sense of accomplishment that I was able to show up at all. As I drove up to the house, I kept thinking I should turn around and go back home but I pushed myself. It wasn’t as bad as I thought — I survived.
On Friday night, I went with my daughter and son to see Elton John in concert. Spent part of the evening in tears—so many songs had memories of times spent with my dear Dave, but I am glad I did that too. It has been nine weeks and I often wonder if the pain will ever ease, will life get any easier? I’m not sure, but I think that Dave would be smiling and happy to see me trying to find my way. I miss him more than words can express but as silly as it may sound, I actually feel that he is closer to me as I venture out on this long lonely road and I know he is cheering me on. He was always so proud of me, I want to again be the able, confident person he loved so I am trying.
For me it has been 8 weeks today. Some days I think I will be fine and then today I just fell apart. I drag myself out of bed every morning and wish to God I could sleep through the night. When it first happened our friends were calling and visiting all of the time, and now I never hear from any of them. It’s like my whole life has been pulled out from under me and he isn’t here to hold me and tell me this will pass. Dennis died on my mothers birthday, which was 2 days after my birthday. I found a birthday gift and a card that he had tucked away in his dresser. The card says “I told you I would never forget your birthday.”
He wasn’t suppose to die, he was only 55 and so am I. Can you be mad at someone for leaving you when you knew they never would. The only time I have ever seen him afraid of anything was the day in the hospital before he died. He had been heavily sedated and was finally concious enough to hear me. He looked at me with such fear in his eyes and all that I could say was, I love you and you are going to be ok. I just knew he wouldnt when the nurse left the room in tears. He was a diabetic and on dialysis. The port in his arm had “clogged” and he could not be dialyzed. He was admitted to the hospital for outpatient surgery to fix the port. We were supposed to be home by lunch. He died a week later.
I don’t know what led me to this sight, here I was looking for new sheets and in the background on the TV was a movie called: PS Ilove you. It is about a young woman who’s husband died and her journey to move through her life. I don’t know how I am suppose to feel or what to do. I feel just lost. I havent been able to return to work yet though I need to soon to keep my job. I never know what my emotions are going to do. Most days I am just numb,
To Jackie:
Oh, Jackie, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel right now. I’ve been through it. Heck, we’ve all been through it (the other women on this site), and we all wish there was something we could do for you to lessen the pain. But it’s a tragedy you have to walk through all by yourself. You may have loved ones that offer some comfort but no one knows what you’re going through except us and you. My heart literally ached when I read your e-mail and I immediately felt your pain – physical pain as if it were happening to me all over again. I remember oh-so-clearly all of the pain I felt. And unlike childbirth, which you do forget, losing your husband more painful than any other pain you will feel the rest of your life. It must be a little bit like being dropped into a war zone – every point of “normal” is gone, you don’t know how in the heck you got there and would give anything to put things back to the way they were. Every fiber of your being is screaming, “This shouldn’t be happening. This is wrong!”
Just remember, Jackie, that you’re not alone. Every woman on this site knows what you’re going through. You’re not alone. We understand.
Hello All,
Jackie, We know. I still stand in my house and scream. I am so angry. As I go through everyday I say to myself this isn’t right, this feels so wrong. I still feel lost as well. I did not leave my house all weekend. Going to the grocery store is a challenge. Small town and someone will come up to me and say “How are you doing”? You want to say how do you think I am doing. I still feel like I am dragging myself out of bed. Its like another slap in the face when you wake up. I went back to work after two weeks. It was hard and I broke down crying so many times at my desk. I work in the same building my husband worked in so I would be able to walk over and see him anytime. I still see him walking into my office with his smile. Work does help me keep my mind busy. I don’t break down anymore. The officers always come check on me and just seeing them in uniforms gets to me.
Gina, Thank you. It is bittersweet. I see them and wish we could do it all over again.
Deborah, I hear ya. Its nice to know that they helped so many people but inside I am trying not to cry when someone tells me something. Maybe someday it will not hurt to hear stories about him. He was also a prankster so I get to hear all those stories too. He was always planning something. Just one more time of feeling those arms around me is all I keep asking for. I was up sick all night a few nights ago and just being sick without him there was torture. I kept saying why aren’t you here right now. I am sure we all keep talking to them, I just wish they would answer us.
Hugs to all of you.
LeAnn
Hello friends, Jackie we welcome you with open arms. I lost my husband on Dec. 19 to a heart attack. He was 52, I am 48. He had no previous symptoms and was in between coaching hockey games. We have 4 children (25, 22, 14, 9). I am so sad and heartbroken. Like LeAnn, I am from a smaller town and whenever I go somewhere–even the grocery store–someone comes up to me and it takes all I have to not completely break down in front of them. I am also always hearing stories about him as he coached youth hockey and football for over 20 years. Whenever I see one of his old players I always get a big hug. Like LeAnn’s husband, he was very well known and loved in our community. There have been several memorials (trees planted, tournaments renamed after him, etc.) and I would love to give all the accolades back to have him back and go back to our little life together.
Love to all of you, Lori XXX
I Thank God for this wonderful site and for all the wise and loving people on here. I just lost the love of my life almost a month now. He had Liver Cirrhosis. His condition was not very bad then, in fact doctor told him he had to wait 2 years to be in the Liver transplant list but when he had Colonoscopy last February, he had a very bad infection and his MELD (Model for End-Stage Liver Disease) score skyrocketed and was put in the list. He had bad days, no sleep, belly was hurting, etc.. Last Father’s Day (June 20, 2010), he received the call from the hospital that they found him a liver. We were crying . When he got to the hospital that night, everything just started falling. Doctors put him on kidney dialysis etc..He’s not able to talk and was not even awake…till he passed away. June 27, 2010 God took him away from us. He left a son and a number of loyal friends who are also missing him terribly.
I never knew this kind of pain existed till now. He’s the love of my life. We love each other to bits and had a lot of plans together. We were supposed to move to Florida and start a new life after his transplant but he wasn’t even able to get the transplant. For many times I asked myself why these things happen to good people like us. He was a great man. Very sweet and loving and was always full of life and laughters. A great, loyal friend. And I don’t think I’m a horrible person either to experience such pain. I was always strong, faithful and cheerful but now, I don’t even know if I’d ever smile again and where to start. Sometimes I just fake the smiles, just to keep my friends from worrying about me…but when I wake up in the morning, I am missing him terribly..especially before I fall asleep at night. He was my bestfriend. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my baby. I am numb and most of the times I’m surprised that i still wake up in the morning. I have to drag myself out bed…everyday.
Your posts gives me hope and comfort. You all are wonderful and blessings! I am looking forward to feel a little better soon and be back close to “normal”. Hopefully be where most of you are feeling right now. Thank you so much for letting me vent…
Welcome Vivian
its been 33 weeks since Martin left me. I’m feeling angry today, because he should be here, getting ready to celebrate our anniversary in 3 weeks time. It sucks big time.
We all know the early stages, and we all feel your pain. I never realised that your heart could ache so much, but this is a pain we will never forget and it creeps back when you least expect it.
Come and vent anytime, we will help you just as much as you will help us, and I mean that. This site has been a saving grace for probably all of us, not just because we have somewhere where we can get the thoughts out of our head, but because we have people who will listen, without judgement, and with understanding.
Stay strong, because you have tough days ahead, I’m sending you love and strength to help you through.
Much love
Normaxxx
Vivian,
I’m sorry you had a reason to look for this site, but am so glad you found it. It has definitely been a gift from God to all of us. It’s been a little over two years since my fantastic husband-of-43-years went to be with our Lord, after struggling with pancreatic cancer over for over two years. By the grace of God, I have been able to establish a semblance of balance in my life, but I still miss my man every day. For the most part, God has taken away the pain and I’ve learned to live with the sadness. And, yes, I do find joy in life….. through my faith, family and friends.
God bless you, Vivian.
Jeanine
I am just dropping in to send my hugs and prayers to all of you today.
LeAnn
Ok I’m not even sure were to start…I don’t even know how to feel. I am a VERY PRIVATE person but I guess GOD led me to this site and after reading all of the ladies stories I guess I”ll explain.
My husband died and I also found out he died with “his mistress”. I am 44 yrs old and I’m in “SHOCK” and I am MAD AS HELL,too. We have been together for over 23 yrs and I feel like EVERYTHING was a LIE. I found out from the ER MD that he was found at a hotel when they brought him in and now I can’t even CONFRONT him with this. I later find out that he was with her for 3 YEARS and I’m not a STUPID person but I don’t know how he hid this from me… LOVE REALLY IS BLIND. God I hate feeling this way & I still love him but how can that be when I’m feeling so much pain.
WHAT DO I DO? How am I suppose to feel? I feel LOST AND ALONE because I really can’t share this with anyone close to me because EVERYONE loved him. He was very generous to a fault and that is what attracted me to him in the 1st place how he went out of his way to ALWAYS, ALWAYS help others.
I’m also PISSED that he died the way he did and now I’m left with all of these unanswered questions?
Just had to put it out there otherwise I think I would just sit here and lose the rest of my MIND.
JEANIE B.
Welcome Jeannie B, you have it doubly hard.
I’m going to be crude here, but just because your husband enjoyed a burger for 3 years doesn’t mean he didnt love his STEAK.
You have it doubly hard, not only have you lost the love of your life, but you are now having to deal with the betrayal. Look at like this, you now know, but there is nothing you can do about it.
This is the unselfish route, although right now it may cause you more anger and pain, but find the burger. I bet she is hurting as much as you are, and all for the same reasons. So why not share the pain with her. She is the only one close to you who will understand what you are going through, and she may help you understand why your husband, decided he needed a change of menu.
I’m a realist, therefore, there is nothing you can do about it now. You could take your anger out on her, but what good will that do? Only you can decide on the way forward. If she’s married then she may not want to see or speak to you, but if not, then she will be feeling as lonely and lost as you are right now. Embrace the fact that she may be your only avenue of sharing your deepest thoughts, except for us of course.
We are all here for you Jeannie, we will help you through these tough times, so come back and visit, vent, shout, or just let us know how you are feeling.
Love and strength coming your way.
Much love
Normaxxx
Norma
I love the analogy about burgers and STEAK and its the 1st laugh I’ve had in about 3 weeks.. so THANK YOU..
I guess its true but its still a bitter pill to swallow. I know that this too shall pass but in the meantime I’m dealing with it the best way I know how..
THANKS and BLESSINGS TO YOU
Twitter: miraclady
July 21, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Oh, Jeanie -
OMG
What a situation.
I know one thing that will help. Writing and writing and writing about it here. You are totally anonymous.
It will help you to get all the feelings out.
Rant and rave. We will listen. People here will help you. This is the most extraordinary group.
I don’t know if I agree with Norma. Not now.
Maybe sometime.
Please let us help.
Sending love,
Corinne
Thanks Corine
It did help to finally talk about it & since then I have sought professional help because my feelings have been all over the place.
Wouldn’t want to start ranting like a lunatic (smile)
Anyway she did help me see if I take out how my husband died by his actions and words did I think he loved me…& I can truly say YES HE DID…
So we are still tackling the betrayal issue but I now see things a little clearer.
Thanks for listening
Hugs & Kisses
Jeanie B
I had to put it out there Corine, it’s the other flip of the coin.
Jeannie, I don’t want to sound a bad person, nor do I want to give you bad advice, but Corrine is right. Approaching this other lady could be a bad thing as well, it may bring demons you weren’t expecting and make a bad situation worse.
Stay focused on you, and come back and visit, whenever you need us, please.
much love
Normaxxx
Jeanie B., WOW. I’m trying to think of something intelligent to say that would have meaning, but I’m honestly stumped. All I can think of is I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for your loss, I’m sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye, I’m sorry you didn’t get justice, I’m sorry you can’t express your rage at him, and I’m sorry he was dishonest.
All the emotions and feelings you are experiencing are perfectly justified. Let yourself feel all of them. Punch a pillow, scream, throw something. Everything about this stinks.
Marilyn, my beautiful friend, we haven’t heard from you lately. Sending you love, hugs and peace.
Love, Lori
Jeanie,
I can only imagine the anger you are feeling. My situation does not come near what you are going through but I am angry at my husband for a few things right now as well. At his funeral his X wife was laying over him sobbing in front of me. I was in total shock and disbelief at her behavior. To my knowledge he had not spoke to her for 14 years. She acted like they were still married. There were officers there from all over the State and of course the ones from our home town as well. She went through the line of officers and told them how much he had expressed to her that he enjoyed working with all of them. He started working with them after him and I were married so how would she know this? I found out that she had written him letters. He had kept them at work. I found letters that he had written when he was in the military expressing his love for her and that she was the most wonderful thing that could have ever happened to him these were kept at his office as well. Last week I kept asking him for guidance in the journey and to give me a sign. ON Wednesday an Officer walked into my office with this pile of letters. He said Hey these were in Pats desk and I thought you should have them. I read those letters and I got so MAD. I don’t know what was going on. I know what he told me was that he never spoke to her. Well that does not make any sense with the things she was saying. Then she gave me a card at the funeral telling me how much she still loved him. Who does that? So I am sure my anger does not come close to yours, but I am Pissed off at him too. I feel like he may have betrayed me but I don’t know. Why would he have kept those letters? What did they mean to him? I Mean I didn’t save love letters from my x husband. Why would she act like they had some kind of relationship still going on? I don’t want to ask her because if there wasn’t anything going on she would tell me there was just to hurt me. I thought I was going to beat the holy crap out of her at his funeral in front of 200 Cops. Seriously, I thought I was going to go to jail that day. She is the mother of his children and she is a beautiful woman but such a B—ch. I know that if the father of my children passed away I would never have behaved the way she did. I would have been there for my kids. So needless to say I have alot of questions that I would like to have answered by him but never will. I went home the day I was handed those letters and yanked every picture of him and I off of the refrigerator and put up the newpaper clippings that were written about him. I kept calling him an A–H—. I still am. I don’t want to believe he would have kept something from me but I guess its pretty clear he was hiding something. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I miss him so much. Its been 3 months and the grief still comes in strong waves. It takes over my body. Just let your feelings out. I showed the letters to my daughter, she said but Mom I know how much he loved you. And I know that too. He showed me every day. But if he was here we sure would be having a long discussion and I am sure I would be yelling at him.
We are all going through so many emotions. Emotions most of us have never had to deal with. We need to be here for each other and I believe that God has led us to each other. But truthfully I would feel better if I could just go beat the crap out of her. But then I would be the bad guy in his kids eyes and she would LOVE that.
Hugs.
LeAnn
LeAnn
I know reading your letter lets me know that I am not alone… It has taken me a lot of soul-searching and I do know that he LOVES me; you are right he SHOWED ME EVERYDAY,,too.. I try to focus on all the good times but somehow” the moments” that I was told of his betrayal keeps coming back to my thoughts. I’ve replayed over and over in my mind when & how and I’m at a loss. I know that this feeling will probably never leave but I am taking it one day at a time.
I’m wondering when he even had time to “cheat” We have a BIG family on both sides so whenever holidays,birthdays, anniversaries come along we are always celebrating as 1 big family so I guess “she” really didn’t get any QUALITY time because he was one to make all those “special days” great and that is what I loved most about him. I never had to remind him of not only our birthdays, anniversary or even my families because he always remembered and planned something for everyone’s celebration.
I don’t want his memory to be that of a “cheating husband” so I’m trying to let this go but right now its too hard.
I think we both will have to forgive in time so that anger will not crowd our all our GOOD MEMORIES…and just take it one day at a time.
Hugs and Blessings
Jeanie B.
Dear Jeanie,
Read your post and I have to say I was dumbfounded! I immediately thought about what I would have done in your situation. To be honest, I don’t know! I feel your hurt and pain and, like Lori said, it’s certainly justified. You’re too angry to forgive at this point , so you’ll most likely pass on that option for now. What’s most frustrating is not being able to confront him and get the answers you need. I can only imagine what emotions you are going through! You have a private group of friends here you can turn to at any time.
Lori….Received your love and hugs. Been going through some emotional downs. Tomorrow will be week #11 and don’t feel I’ve made much progress. The hospice care people called me yesterday to find out how I was doing. The counselor I spoke with was very kind and she said that there is no time frame to be followed as to when I should be feeling better. Thank you for being here for me since the very beginning….when I felt the courage to join in. Please know I’m always there for you. Sending you lots of love and many hugs.
Norma, Your posts always give us the reality check we sometimes need. That’s what makes this forum so wonderful and unbiased. We can all be ourselves, read the different perspectives, and after all is said and done, we still love and support one another. Keep us posted on your spiritual connections to your mum and Martin. I’m very much considering speaking with a medium that Kate told me about when I’m more focused. Love you and sending a cuddle.
Kate, We’re waiting to hear all about your new place in HK. Hope the move wasn’t too stressful. Your mom undoubtedly is a lot of help. When you’re more settled and internet connected, we’ll be here. Hope all is well. XO XO XO
Corinne, Knowing you’re there brings peace and comfort.
I’ve been struggling the past five days. Reading the posts helped so much to alleviate the sadness and anxiety I was feeling. It’s very easy to retreat to those feelings of panic and uncertainty and I sometimes let them get the best of me. I doubt myself. I doubt my life. I want to thank each and every one of you for helping me in one way or another stay balanced.
Love to all….Marilyn
All of you
To ALL
Thanks so much for ALL of your valuable input. I’m still crying and full of anger @ the same time. I loved no still love my husband but I don’t think I would have confronted the “other woman” because I don’t think at this point I could handle anything else she may have said “good or bad”
Ladies I am very thankful that each of you took time out of your own grief to try to console me and for that I will be eternally grateful.
I have been dealing with this for about 3 weeks now and it doesn’t seem like it gets any better.
I will pray for the strength to endure and I will pray that each of you get a little stronger each day.
Lots of love
Jeanie
Sweet Ladies,
I know that some of you may be thinking “where does she get these ideas from ?” Well I’m cursed, or blessed, with empathy. I have a talent for seeing things from the other persons perspective. So when I come out with an off the wall comment, it’s usually because this is not what everyone else is thinking.
I’m a realist, and I know that not everyone is perfect. My mum told me about an affair she had. She told me that she loved the man and he her, but when he asked her to leave my Dad and move in with him, she said no. Why? I asked her, and she replied “he’s married and if he can cheat on his wife with me, then he can cheat on me with someone else.” I could understand this, and also couldn’t understand why she would want to cheat on my Dad, but that was her business. As it turned out both my parents had their fair share of extra marital activities, but one thing remained constant, their marriage. Which lasted for almost 45 years ( she passed away 17 days before their 45th wedding anniversary).
Some people believe that to cheat on your partner, that’s the end, you might as well leave them, but there are others who get past it, and stay happily married for a long time.
My attitude to marriage was, a husband’s for life not just for christmas. I’m lucky enough to have been married to the end of my husband’s life, until death do us part. But I also know that if he had cheated on me, he would have awakened one night with me standing over him with a pan of boiling sugar. It was a standing joke in our house. I was lucky, he was my friend, my confidant, my lover, my husband and I will always love him.
Not meaning to be flipant, but some people believe it is possible to be in love with more than one person, and in some cases they kid themselves that they need someone else in their life, without taking time to re-explore that special person. What I’m trying to say is, put the hurt and anger aside for now, and embrace the fact you have lost the love of your life. Unless you can be with your man 24/7, you only get to see half of him, what he does when he’s not there is a mystery and shall always remain so. Embrace the time you spent with him, the love he gave, the times he made you laugh and cry, and the sweetness of knowing that at the end of the day, it was you he came home to.
I’m so sorry that you may have found out things you don’t like about your husband, through his passing, but realistically What Can You Do About It?
I love you all like sisters.
My strength and my love goes out to each and everyone of you.
Take care and try to have a happy weekend.
Much Love
Normaxxx
Welcome to the new folks. I am so sorry to hear about the husband and the mistriss. I know how hard it must be for you. We’re here for you. Trust me you can find out strange stuff after your hubby passes.
I am embarrassed to share this but will. After my darling Mike passed, pron magazines were found in our closet where we kept our old record albums. I was soooo embarrassed and esp when my mom found out. She is still upset about it poor thing. I had caught him reading junk like thatn before and had preached at him about how evil it was and that I didn’t want it in my house. He would read Playboy and I HATED it. When I preached at him about it he talked like I should say anything cuz he thought Playboy wasn’t as bad as the others. I eventually thought well as long as he doesn’t read anything any worse than that . I’d catch him with it, fuss at him about it and think he would quit. Guess I turned a deaf ear to it. Sad thing was he was such a devout and dedicated Christian who loved God. I think this was an addiction just like drugs or alcohol. I would wonder whether to get some sexy pj ‘s to wear for him and think why waste the money when he may not be interested. Now I’m sorry I didn’t get the red $7 negligee I saw in a store in WV once. I really should’ve tried to get him help for it but didn’t know how. I recently found out my cousins church has counseling for porn addiction. I wish I had know how bad it was for Mike nad had known about the pron counseling. I would’ve gotten it for him and begged him to go. I was shocked after he passed to find out how much money he spent on that junk when here he was disabled and didn’t have much money. Some of the mags were like $50 a yr to subscribe. I was floored! Now I know why we could barely pay the bills. It was upsetting but I forgive him for it cuz I know he really loved me and cared about me. But any how that’s how you can find out strange things after they pass. I still love him and he will always be my baby. I can’t speak bad of him. I loved him and he is my baby. Hugs to you all.
Mike would be so proud at how well I am carrying on. It’s only cuz I don’t believe he’s passed on. Hurts too much.
My friend the singer did a local show here an hr or 45 mins from me and I went. Went alone as I had no one to go with me. A friend of his from Northern Va who always goes to see him everytime he comes to VA and Mike & I had gotten to be friends with her thru going to the shows, came. He did not come out after the show and see anyone, not even her or me! I called the concert place and talked to a lady there asking her what to do to get to see him after the show. She tried to help but she said he said it was hot and he was gonna go in under the AC. It was an outdoor show. I can understand that but surely he could’ve taken time to see me and his friend on his bus. I can’t even talk to him about what is going on and how I’m doing. Stinks. I hate him having the star attitude. But I still love the guy. Sigh.
I found out they had a Griefshare group at my cousins church. So I went and joined that. Since I missed a few sessions of it I will go thru it again a 2nd time and also go thru the one on surviving the holidays. We have several widows in the group , a coupla widowers, a few folks who lost a mom, and 2 ladies whos sons were killed in wrecks. One lady has her daughter, and daughter-in-law going with her. And a lady who lost her mom has a good friend going with her. That is so sweet that the friend whose lost no one yet is going with her.
One nite one of the widows drove her late hubbys mustang convertible. She was talking about it and ended up having me and the other 2 widows ride in it with her to Sonic for a milkshake. That was fun! It’s a good group of folks but so sad hearing their stories.
The first nite I went, I walked into the wrong room and women were crocheting. I figured either they are widows who are crocheting or I have come across a crocheting group. It was a crocheting group. Turns out they crochet once a month on Thurs nites. Since I have grief support then, I have to go after grief support is over. I found out they have a weekly Tues morning crocheting group there so I joined it. Maybe I can finish my projects now. I am doing some stuff for my folks for Christmas. The crochet groups are good ones. I re-learned how to do granny squares as I had forgotten it’d been so long. I am now teaching myself tunisian afghan crochet hook crocheting thru looking it up online.
I am also going places with my best friend who set me up with Mike on a blind date. I had always thought if Mike went I wouldn’t want to go and do anything. But I found out when he passed, I still needed to go places and do things and have a life. Not as much of a life without him but somewhat of one. It still hurts tho. I would give anything to have him back. Sorry I’d been doing more reading than writing on here but so much going on.
Prayers just said for you all and hugs too…
I just saw a spelling error. Sorry about that. I was typing fast and even tho I know how to spell good, fast typing means errors…
Just feeling a bit off today…. life is going nowhere and sometimes I wonder if I didn’t chase up friends if I’d be completely forgotten. They never check on me… or even just call because of friendship etc… I always call. I’m struggling with my thyroid condition which is underactive… I’m on medication and it has recently been reduced and so it seems I’m putting on weight and feeling revolting and uncomfortable… on top of grief …. and for the last month or so my skin is really greasy and breaking out in pimples. Just so fed up.
I’m often in contact with an ex-boyfriend with whom I’ve stayed friends and I caught up with him yesterday – just left me feeling so much worse. He was just being a friend but I just felt so irritated… Can’t fill that hole that my husband left and can’t seem to enjoy stuff that should be pleasant.
Living with my daughter and 21 year old step son – who are both pretty good – but the step-son does absolutely nothing around the house – nothing. my daughter sometimes buys groceries as neither of them pay board and her elder sister keeps reminding her how lucky she is. House is a mess and lawn needs mowing – just fed up with it all.
Sorry to grumble… not everything is bad, but I just don’t have any happy energy at the moment.
Hope you are all well and walking forward through this rotten experience.
bye for now,
Niki
Niki, I completely understand your feelings and I think most of us do. If you would like to e-mail personally with me, it would make me happy to do so. There are a couple other ladies I do this with. I will give you my e-mail, just let me know. Love and light to you. Terre
I misstakenly typed my last name. Hope this clears that.
Twitter: miraclady
July 25, 2010 at 9:41 am
Hi Terre -
I took your last name out of your last comment.
Thanks for your always constant support on this forum.
Love,
Corinne
Hello to all my friends….
Feel like life is on fast forward and I’m standing still. I truly know what all of you are feeling. After reading the stories from Jeanie, LeAnn and Cheryl, I’ve come to realize that we are all vulnerable to imperfection. We all make mistakes and the phrase “to error is human, to forgive is divine” comes to mind. We just have to weigh the good with the bad and hope the good comes out the winner. That’s all we can do.
With all the legal issues to deal with, I feel like I’m being punished because my husband died. I told one bank representative that he did exist and now they are erasing him as if he didn’t. I know they have to do what is necessary, but it is a cold, callous process.
My best friend has not called me in weeks….maybe two or three times since Bob died. It’s basically a courtesy call probably stemming from guilt, but I guess it’s better than nothing. I’m grateful to be able to come here and let go of some of the anger and overwhelming sadness/emptiness I feel. Next Friday will be 12 weeks for me but feel like I haven’t seen or talked to him for years.
Please keep writing.
Sending all of you my love, comfort and understanding.
Marilyn
Hello friends, Marilyn I can relate to your comment, “life is on fast forward and I’m standing still”. Actually, the funeral was in December and honestly, it feels like yesterday. I keep reliving his last moments in the house before the paramedics arrived, looking at me with such scared eyes–eyes that seemed to be pleading with me to help him. I keep thinking I could have done something different, if only I did this, if only I did that. I vividly remember him and everything about him. I miss him more than words can say. I would love to talk with him again, hug him, kiss him. I am so lonely without him.
Love and hugs to all of you,
Lori
Lori,
I understand so much of what you are feeling. I find myself passing through the days counting the hours until the next day. Have no idea what to do and when I can finally clear my head long enough to think straight I can’t seem to figure out what to do first. There is still so much to do with te attorney and the bank and trying to figure out how to sell vehicles and how to pay the mortgage and everything else by myself now. I miss my husband so much that I can barely think straight. I have to go back to the DMV tomorrow to have vehicle titles and registrations changed to my name. I tried this once already and I thought I would fall to my knees when I had to go to the counter with the death certificate . I couldnt even speak, the guard helped me over to a chair so I could tell him why I was there. I have had to hire someone to mow the yard. Everytime I went out to start the mower the battery was dead and I couldnt move it. Then the garage door wouldnt open. Spent half the day looking up how garage openers work so I could get the car out. At first my friends would call all of the time now nothing for weeks. I guess they just don’t knw what to say. I have never felt so alone and I am so angry at him somedays for leaving me. No, I am angry at him most days for not taking better care of himself and thinking he was bullet proof. All of these things seem so simple, but it is all of these things every day and no one to say it will be alright or it doesnt matter, we can handle it. I dont want to start my life over again
Hi Jackie,
Thank you for validating my feelings! All this legal stuff too–the banks are so unbudging! I found they want me to “assume” my own loan! What?? Apparently what happened was my name from all the original paperwork was taken off my own loan and the house was just under my husband’s since the last time the loan was sold. My mortgage has been sold about 3 times to different lenders over the past 16 years. I am trying to battle it without an attorney, but even after I sent them copies of the original paperwork they still send me statements each month t “The Estate of…” Good grief. The hoops we must jump through while trying maintain our sanity. Then a “frenemy” told me to get out there and meet ‘people’. I am not at a place to “meet people”, nor do I have the confidence. Really, who wants a 48 year old mother of 4, grandmother of 1, with stretch marks and cellulite? I haven’t been with anyone else in over 26 years and right now, I don’t want to be, honestly, I don’t know that I ever do.
Thank you all for listening to my ranting this evening.
Love and strength to all of you, Lori
Hello, once again, to my wonderful friends,
Hi, Lori….Read your post and I’m going through the same legal problems. Bank still has a hold on my account because of a paperwork delay and I’ve read on some of the internet sites not to notify any credit card company of your husband’s death because they will cut you off immediately. What will happen? If your husband was the primary card holder (which Bob was) and you are an additional card holder (which I am), they will want you to establish credit all over again as a single entity. I haven’t notified our mortgage holder yet of his death because I’m scared to. I’ve been keeping up with the payments but after this ordeal with the bank, I just don’t know what to expect. Also, don’t know how much an attorney helps with all of this. Mine didn’t file the necessary paperwork with the bank when he was supposed to causing many problems for me.
I also relive those last moments with Bob over and over again. I know the feelings you are experiencing. Even though the doctors misdiagnosed Bob’s condition, I’m constantly thinking “What did I miss here?” Was I blind to the fact he wasn’t improving and just went along with the program? It never stops. I keep reminding myself he knew how important he was to this family. He didn’t want to leave us. If he could be here right this minute, he would be. So, I can’t blame him for this aftermath of grief, loneliness and confusion. Also, my beautiful 31-year old daughter has stretch marks and cellulite. I constantly remind her that if anyone judges you for nature’s process of bearing our beautiful children, they’re not worth embracing. Always remember, you have a good friend out here in Southern California. Thank you for your love and support. Knowing you’re there thinking of me helps a lot. Don’t let this “process” beat you down. It’s hard not to, but our husbands would have wanted us to be brave. We’re all doing the best we can. Wish you were here or I was there for our cup of coffee. Love you, Lori.
Hi Jackie,
I’ve been through the DMV nightmare. Isn’t it incredible what we have to go through to keep our lives going? Seems like when you’ve tackled one hurdle, there’s 10 more ahead of you. My husband paid the bills online and now the bank won’t even let me online to see how much is in the account! Customer Service won’t talk to me! Usernames and passwords don’t help either. I no longer exist! I get sick to my stomach when I know I have to make a call to any of them. It’s useless. Going to, once again, call the attorney tomorrow and tell him I’m in the “land of the lost.”
I’ve come to the conclusion that it may have been better to maintain separate accounts and avoiding this miserable transition from a joint to single account. Hard to believe I’m single after 32 years of marriage. You’re so right, Jackie, it’s all those little things they used to do for us and letting us know everything was going to be all right. God, I miss that safety zone I lived in for so many years. Always know we’re here for you.
Seems like things haven’t gotten any easier. While I try to tackle all the hurdles that have developed, what starts off as a rain storm ends up being a hurricane. I just want to run for cover and hide. I know we’re all trying to “weather this storm.” At least we have one another to turn to for support and love. All of you will always have mine.
Marilyn
Marilyn
I am so sorry to hear of all of your troubles w/the bank,cc, dmv, etc.
We had a joint account but my husband also has a business acct that was a sole proprietorship so I will not have access to that account because he didn’t have a Payable upon death activated.
(WHO KNEW???) My husband was very diligent in providing for us so I’m sure if someone had informed him that his family wouldn’t have access to funds he would have provided for such. Now as I read over your other “obstacles” I know I have to have his vehicles transferred for to my name & just thinking about going to DMV to do so is to much right now……But I’m glad you ladies are posting your experiences because now I do know what I have to do; so that helps.
Its been 61 days now and things don’t seem to be getting any easier.
Lori
Reading your entry on how your husband died makes me want to cry. Please know that there was nothing you could have done that would have changed the outcome. I know we have all wished that we could have done things differently but it was not to be. How sad that there is not a REPLAY button for life…GOD I wish there was because I would redo that do again and change so many things.
Jackie
I feel the same way… My husband was such a strong and had a commanding presence. Everyone loved him and he was ALWAYS the life of the party. You never imagine that this person could be taken from you. Yes I too felt that my husband was “bulletproof”
How can someone with so much LIFE in them be quickly taken away? I am angry at my husband for not taking better care of himself and myself for not noticing something was wrong.
I am so glad we all have each other to turn to for support.
HUGS AND KISSES
JEANIE B.
Hi Marilyn: I just finished reading your post. I am so sorry to see the troubles you and others are having with banks, cr. cds., dmv, etc. I have not had those problems partly because I have always been independent and partly because Larry had years of illness which made me be cautious.
Years ago, I created credit in my own name. However, the bank suggested I keep the joint account open because straggler checks could come in his name (which they did) and it would make it so much easier to cash them (which it did). And, they told me I didn’t have to change the names to mine until my checks run out. It is still a joint acct. I have had a power of atty. for years and even bought our first home while he was out to sea (and without his signature). Even after nearly 17 mos., which I must say, is still a bummer to get through, I still have half of the utilities in his name because I feel like if somebody should mess with my mail, they will feel less like messing with me because it still looks like there is a man living with me. I have been told by the utilities that they will do nothing about making me change the names to mine only if I want to keep it that way. They said some widows prefer it that way. I keep his cr. cd. in use. As long as it is paid for, nothing will happen because they have no reason to question it. The dmv was a little different for me. Since I was about to have cataract surgery on both eyes, I opted to take the necessary test to see if I could pass it in case something went wrong with the eyes. That way, I would have a few years with a current license and could work on the eyes. All went well however, and everything is done.
As far as the morgage is concerned, and since I always took care of the bills, and since I am as tight as bark on a tree (so I’m told .. and it has paid off), we scrimped and scraped to get it paid off before his passing. Whew! It was a challenge. Still, it was worth all we did to do it.
This is one of the main reasons why we are told not to make any major decisions or changes for what some say is at least one year and others two years. I find I am more able to make decisions because I have always had to. Larry was always passive and never said no. But, then again, I have never charged or otherwise purchased anything that we didn’t have funds to pay for it. I think if he ran the budget, we would have had some challenges and he expressed as much.
I never pay bills on line because there is too much fraud possibility. I have even been told it is possible by the utility companies. I guess I am an old dog who doesn’t like new tricks. Anyway, it certainly is a matter of choice and I hope nobody thinks I am in any way trying to preach. I just put my experiences out here to help if it is at all possible. Reading about what some of you are going thru makes me know I have made the right choices. Still, in some of my experiences, I am finding hind sight is 20/20.
I am sending each and every one of you my Love, Blessings and Gratitude for being so supportive and understanding. All of you, please take care of yourselves and know even though it is a slow journey, it will get better. TRUST.
Love, Terre
Don’t know why but the new posts aren’t getting mailed to me. Hope all are doing well. Hang in there. I still miss Mike so much…
Hi well I don’t know where to start I am a 23 year old who was married and I had left my husband for a much older man at the time I fell completely in love with him and our relationship was such a battle at the beginning he was married for 13 years and had to go over seas to fight for his country so when he got back his wife divorced him and he never wanted to fall in love with anyone again so it was a year of battling with each other trying not to fall in love but we did we finally just gave in when he had to go away on course for a month and that separation made us realize what we meant to each other then not even 2 months after he got back he had a stroke everything happened so fast doctors took him in drugged him i wasn’t aloud to see him the whole time that he was in the hospital i got to see him maybe 10 min then when i got back there the next morning they had to take him into surgery but he was gone before he even got to the operating room,everything is still a shock to me I have never had anyone to talk to or support from anyone all the people I thought were my friends and his stabbed me in the back and spread mean things about me and i have 2 young children to take care of.every day i still look out the window hoping that he is gonna pull up in the driveway i don’t wanna believe he is gone I believe in miracles and god that he will come home some day people say that i am crazy that i should move on and meet people and I have tried hanging out with some people but it just does not feel right to me I don’t have that connection like I did with him I love him so much and I am just so lost on what to do can anyone give me some advice
Hello, again, to my loving, supportive friends….
I have a lot to tell you….
First of all….
Hi, Terre, I want to thank you for responding to my “story from hell.” Your support and love mean a lot to me. My husband was the one who loved the “online” payment of the bills….not me. I’m the old-fashioned (back in the day) kind of girl who writes and mails the checks. Since he insisted on paying online, it didn’t bother me cause he was the “financier” of the house and was a great manager of $. I absolutely loved your phrase “I’m as tight as bark on a tree.” I laughed until tears welled in my eyes, something I haven’t done for quite some time. Bob would have loved you. He was really good at enforcing the budget here (had to be) and watched me and our daughter very closely with the “shopping thing.” God bless him for supervising the spending. He taught us a lot about being responsible and frugal, but we would have relapses every now and then. Now, I realize the importance of financial security. I haven’t notified the utility companies of his passing and don’t think I will. As long as I pay the accounts on time, why should they care? When Bob and I sold the business in 2007, I kept nudging him to pay off the house, but he wanted to keep those monies invested. Then, the stock market “crashed” in Sept. of 2008 and a substantial portion of the sale of the business disappeared. Should have paid off the house and, you’re right…. hind sight is 20/20.
I received a letter from Bob’s health insurance plan today. Another nightmare is in the making. I was notified by the ambulance company a couple of weeks ago that they had not been paid from his Medicare Supplement Plan and when I referred to the Explanation of Benefits, he would have been responsible for $180 of the $700 it cost to bring him from the hospital to our home for hospice care (about 5 miles). Anyway, they haven’t been paid and I submitted a letter to the Appeals Department with a copy of the bill (as instructed by their Customer Service Dept.) They notified me today that I must submit proof of representation for a deceased member before they even investigate the case. No surprise there!
Now here’s the “biggie” of the day….Received the billing for the five days of home hospice care totaling $20,785.42 !!!! with a letter saying it has been “disallowed” and to notify Medicare. OMG!!!
I’m in a blizzard and can’t find my way through the trees, right now.
I want to let you know how much I appreciate your contribution. If you think of anything else that might be of help to us, please let us know. In fact, if any of us have info. that can help, please feel free to share and I will do the same.
Hi, Jeanie….
So many problems we are all having to deal with and I don’t envy your upcoming DMV visit. Keep original Death Certificates handy (don’t you just feel sick at the sound of that document?) As diligent as Bob was for providing for us like your hubbie was, you just can’t prepare for all of it. It’s impossible. Plan your trip to DMV on a strong day (if there is such a thing) and hopefully, you can take a friend or relative….someone for a little support. If I were able to go with you, Jeanie, I would, without hesitation. Thank goodness we all have each other and can come here to write, vent, cry and just be a part of each other’s lives w/o judgment or criticism. We are a family, now.
Thank you, again, Corinne, for watching over us and gifting us with this wonderful site to come to for friendship, love and healing. You’re a wonderful lady and inspiration for all of us.
Hello to my wonderful friend, Lori….
I want you to know how much your friendship and love mean to me. Your response to my first post made me feel so welcome and understood. Because of that, I wanted to keep coming back. When I’m going through my “Fridays,” I know you’re thinking of me. I’m thinking of you every “Saturday.” Stay strong and be patient. I’m going to take my own advice on that one. Sending you lots of love and teddy bear hugs.
Oh, dear Crystal….So glad you found your way here. This is a very special place where you will be nurtured and understood. We all know the pain you are experiencing and the loss. We’re all here helping one another deal with the loss of the loves of our lives. Everything you’re feeling right now has been felt by each and every one of us and that’s why we can relate so well to one another. Please come back. You will see what I mean.
Going to close for now. Will get a few hours rest and then continue
with those dreaded phone calls. I know you’re all there supporting me. Please know I’m there for you, as well.
Love,
Marilyn
To Marilyn
It’s so funny that you say that your husband was an advocate of online bill paying.. I am too but something always told me to just PAY the bills online I still have the original bill come to the house always thought I would go 1st and the hubbie wouldn’t know where to start in trying to handle the finances…so I kept the mailings coming to the house for him i suppose… anyway I was glad to see your post about paying off your home.. I was undecided on should I do that or not & i think I will.. that just another bill I don’t have to worry about.
I am sorry to hear about the insurance company “fiasco” as we all know they try to pay as little as possible… I also got a bill from the city ambulance company requesting payment for services rendered and they even charged for the mileage.. .(OMG) how else are you going to get to the hospital… Lucky for me I just submitted the bill to my Ins carrier & they paid all i came out of pocket was $100. so I guess I am blessed that not something I have to deal with. so I don’t envy you
Good Luck to you and I’ll keep you in my prayers
Jeanie B
Twitter: miraclady
July 27, 2010 at 8:21 am
Dear Ones -
This is an exciting day for me.
My book “A Woman Without A Man” has been published and is available on Amazon.
Each of you will find a piece of yourself in this book. Although it starts just after my husband’s funeral, it is not a grief book.
It is about the adjustments to becoming a single woman in mid life. It has a few tears, but it is mostly funny and a little zany.
Will you buy it? I would appreciate your support.
Click here for the information.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/a-woman-without-a-man-corinne-edwards/
Sending love to all of you.
Corinne
More prayers just said for you all…
Just a quick hello to all & that I am praying for each & everyone of us that we get stronger each min, each hour, each day
Hugs
Jeanie B.
Hello my sweet Ladies
Wow, what a week some of you have had. Thank goodness for the NHS. Over the other side of the pond, there are no ambulance fees, hospital or doctor fees and it’s a fraction of the cost to arrange a funeral. Why are things so expensive in the USA?
If I remember rightly Mr Ohbama promised that everyone would receive the same health care regardless if they could afford it. Why not send your bill to the Whitehouse and see if he’ll get it sorted for you? Business is business to the Insurance, Ambulance and hospital companies. They don’t care that you’ve just lost your husband, they are only worried about recovering their costs. I’m sorry it’s another burden to bear, but you know you have a number of shoulders to help carry you through.
I had my last legal thing to do today, and it upset me. I think it was because of the death certificate, it’s a reminder of the officialdom surrounding Martin’s passing. My colleague at work, got it all sorted for me and even got one of the company solicitors to sign it, they have been really good at helping me out.
Well ladies, a week on Monday it will be my (yes my) wedding anniversary and I can’t make up my mind whether to celebrate 14 years or -1 year. What do you think?
I’ve opted to stay at work for the day, although I’m not sure what kind of distraction it will offer. I feel quite vulnerable in this run up to another occasion without Martin.
Let me know what you think. When I mean -1, I still want to celebrate my wedding day, but -1 because it will be on my own. Last year we celebrated in the hospital, I stuck a chair under the handle of the room so we wouldn’t be disturbed and they let me stay the night. I miss him so much, and even talking to him isn’t helping much.
The charity assocaited with his disease are celebrating 30 years next year and they have requested photo’s of those, with and who had Motor Neurone Disease. I sent a picture of Martin this morning and I’m happy that the world will see him although for all the wrong reasons.
Well that’s it for now. I’m not saying prayers for anyone, as a non-believer, it wouldn’t be right. But just know that I think about you all constantly and I send you love and strength to help you through the bad times. May your God go with you.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi there Norma,
I found it good to do up a printed photo book with some love quotes. It was afair bit of work getting it organized but it was something I’d been meaning to do since our wedding and then the anniversary seemed like the perfect time. It brought lots of tears but it felt like the right thing. Now it sits in the TV room – its kind of like a coffee table book due to the quotes and that was my plan.
I think it is good to do something purposeful but it doesn’t have to be too energy consuming…. even take yourself to the movies would be something…
Hope something in that helps.
All the best,
Niki
I celebrated 24 yrs. A pic of Mike on the table and Italian take out. It just seemed right for me even if folks think I shouldn’t still celebrate. You will find out what will work for you. Hugs and prayers and vibes to all…
Hello to all my friends.
Think of you all the time. It’s nice to know you’re all there through the frustrating days and lonely nights. At day’s end, I look forward to reading your posts.
Norma….Don’t we all dread those anniversaries and holidays? For me, I would most definitely honor those years with Martin as #14. I was (and always will be) married to Bob for 32 years. He passed 5 days short of our 32nd anniversary and my birthday. It was the pits. When our anniversary arrives next year, I will memorialize our years together as #33. Those years with our husbands are so dear to us. We are a special group of ladies that have connected through tragedy and are doing the best we can to endure its aftermath. How we comemorate our husbands on that sacred day will be our own private moment to let them know how much we still care for and love them. Sending you cuddles.
Dear Niki, Hope you’re feeling better. I thought the printed photo book and love quotes was a beautiful tribute.
Hi Cheryl,
Whatever you do to comemorate your beloved husband is personal to you and only you. I loved your idea of his picture and Italian take out. It’s sad to hear that others are telling you not to recognize that very special occasion. Keep doing what feels right for you and Mike.
I’d like to tell a story that’s personal to me:
My husband, Bob, was an avid reader and we have many, many books that were read by him, but I just never found the time to read any of them. In our living room we had an enormous wall unit that Bob absolutely loved, but I wasn’t that crazy about it because it was so large. He just loved it. It kind of reminded me of the movie “A Christmas Story” when the father buys the lamp with the fringe on it and puts it in the front window, and the wife looks at it disparingly but doesn’t say anything. She’s just happy that he’s happy. That’s how it was for us. When the hospice people brought him home in the ambulance, we decided to set everything up in the living room and moved the wall unit outside. I was so grief stricken and trying to deal with hospice (something I wasn’t familiar with), we left the unit outside for weeks and, of course, the wood warped and it had to be discarded. It killed me because it was so special to him. Next anniversary, when things are hopefully a little more settled, I want to build bookshelves for all of Bob’s books.
Dear Jeanie….Hope you’re holding up. We’re going through some very tough times and want you to know you have a great support system here. Seems like all the legal hassles and paperwork don’t let us have the moments we need for time and space. Then, when we do get them, the emptiness sets in. You just can’t win. Stay strong and know we’re here for you, always.
A personal hello to my friend, Lori. Please let us know how you’re doing. Miss and love you.
Kate: Haven’t heard from you since your move. Let us know how you are doing. Miss you!
Found out today that two huge palm trees will have to be removed because the roots are cracking the pool. $750. The saga continues.
At this moment, it’s about 5:00 a.m. P.D.T. Sleep is no longer the sanctity it once was. Going on 12 weeks carrying this broken heart and soul.
Love you all,
Marilyn
Hello friends,
First, Corinne, purchased your new book and cannot wait to read it. I also have another one you wrote, “Reflections of a Woman Alone” and thoroughly enjoyed that one.
Hi Norma, My anniversary was the hardest for me to date. I bought a balloon and tied it to his tree and scattered rose petals at the base, but the day truly sucked. It was a tough one. It would have been 26 years.
Everything is expensive in the U.S. because, in my opinion, some people here are driven by money, not love. It does stink everything is so costly and we are fighting with banks, DMV, credit card companies, etc.
Niki and Cheryl, LOVED how you celebrated. That’s inspiring!
Hello my friend Marilyn, I’m so sorry about the bookshelf. Isn’t it the little things that made them happy that we (and no one else) knows about our husbands? There are so many little things he would do or loved, even how he would joke with me or walk or move this hands when he cooked, all that makes it harder for me. I remember everything about him, even how he smelled and how his face felt with a 1 day shadow.
Everything about this for every single one of us is heartbreaking because we were their heart and soul. No one knows us like they did either. The little names he always made up for me, the looks across the room at a gathering, the way he would look at the kids and say, “we made them”, I miss him so much I can hardly stand it. Thank you all for listening–you are the only ones I have that understand.
Love and hugs, Lori
Hi Girlfriends,
Finally I am online in Hong Kong. It has been a huge ordeal settling in to our new apartment here but I am here, and I am a little happier. Steve is everywhere. For those who don’t know me, my beautiful husband of only two years died April 13 in HK after a stomach bug shut down his healthy heart/body. He left me and our 10 1/2 month old daughter alone. I have been with my family and his family (and two kids from his first marriage) in Australia for the last 3 months. I feel like he drove me back here. My mum is with us and has been an incredible support. I can’t even begin to explain what it was like unpacking 250 boxes. We had packers do the work but that can be even tougher than doing it yourself because you need to make decisions on the run.. that goes, that stays, that can go back in to storage, that hmmm, not sure. I have had to shake things up a bit. Stuff be both would have done anyway on an apartment move we had already planned but we all know moves are hard enough, throw in your dead loved one’s belongings and the fact that he’s not here to help and man oh man!! I have laughed a lot though. He was the designer and he would probably be laughing at me too. I still just cannot believe he is not here. I am quite surprised at how well I have handled it. I have sat and cried in to his things, yelled at his absence and stared at his photo and wondered if he was ever really real.
I worked out that date we first kissed was the same date we lowered his coffin in to the ground, four years later. Gone. It’s just crazy and I know you all have similar emotions. Do you think we’ll ever truly understand??
Marilyn, thanks for checking on me. You are so special. I only whizzed through the postings since I have been gone and can see you are highly frustrated. I have all that to look forward too. Even a debt collector harassing me and we all know in Asia that can get nasty!
Jeanie B, you have a lot to process darling. I have a friend who called me a day after I arrived back here who said she too had just returned to Hong Kong from another country because she had just found out that her husband had been cheating on her their entire marriage with countless nameless women, throughout her pregnancies, throughout everything. Sick stuff. She admitted she just didn’t pick up on the signs. He still loves her but she just can’t go back in to the marriage. It just made me realise how much we project ourselves, our desires and our idea of perfect on others. We justify behaviour, we ignore warnings or delve and get no where unless we are brave enough to risk it all. All our lives have so many layers and in this day and age more so, so many chapters. Be true to yourself. Try not to worry about what others think. Don’t beat yourself up. You are only 44 and you don’t want to hear this now, but you will find love again if you want it. Maybe you won’t trust anyone ever again but there are some good people out there. I’m not saying your husband was not good. You loved him, he must have had a lot of good in him. As Corrine says, vent here. We are all here for each other.
I have another dear friend who has two beautiful children and her husband has just told her he’s really not sure if there is a chemistry anymore and perhaps he wants out. She is building the strength to deal with either scenario. He has admitted feelings for someone else. I’m not sure many women who have done everything they possibly could to be an amazing mother and wife could really rise above such rejection. Or sleep next to it at night, knowing.
Maybe you were spared. Maybe it wasn’t quite what you think. In some ways the fact that you don’t know much means you can believe whatever you want. I know I am not making you feel much better but I am trying. We are all left hurting and pondering. Please feel strength the solidarity and know you’ll feel differently in the future.
Love to you all, Kate xx
Hello friends, I had a huge meltdown on the way home from work–so bad in fact I had to pull over. How come one can go along fine and then some random little thing sends you over the edge? I cannot talk with anyone but all of you because when I try to talk with someone here all I get is “ohhhhh”. I don’t really know what I want or expect from them, but I don’t want to be pitied.
Thank you for listening to me rant!!
Love all of you, Lori
Lori
I understand how you feel. I too have been having that same response. Its been 66 days now and although some days can go along just fine & I could just be driving the the highway & will just burst into uncontrollable sadness & despair. I’m not sure if its because I’ve had a few “good” days with very little crying and its just being built up or if those days are actually “good days”. It could be any little thing that sets me off : a touch from someone, a song or just a simple reminder like my husband love fruit cocktail and we always kept it in the fridge was cleaning our the refrigerator & ran across a couple of cans & started balling like a new babe…go figure.
Just know that we are here for you whenever you need us.
Kate
Thanks for your perspective on my “situation” I am coming to terms with this whole thing & I don’t want to disregard the 23 years we had because it was great. I do realize that I will never get a true understanding of the whole thing but I’m trying not to let that interfere with my grieving process. Its like a grieve over the loss of my husband and then I grieve over the betrayal.
I’m just taking it minute by minute and hour by hour getting from one day to the next and I am so glad I have you ladies to listen to my thoughts although some may be random (smile)
Thanks for being here
Hugs & Kisses
Jeanie B
Thanks ya’ll. Hard to believe but my baby would’ve been 60 next yr if he had lived. I miss him so much. Hope things go better for ya’ll…
Hey Lori…. I know what you mean! … and somethings just are suddenly a no go zone… just can’t deal with it today… I’m doing supply teaching which requires a lot of positive energy and some days like today I just can’t seem to muster it- actually its been like this all week. I don’t even know how to explain it. Someone today asked how long it has been and how things are and I just didn’t seem to be able to respond. Part of me wants to really talk about it, but another part doesn’t know if I have the emotional energy to tell them – and hold it together.
Take care…
Niki
Hi, to everyone. Aren’t the ups and down we go through like being on a roller coaster ride? Unpredictable and exhausting.
Oh, Lori….
When I read what you went through yesterday, my heart hurt. Had we been able to have our cup of coffee, we would have talked and talked about Tim and Bob. I know we would have made one another feel better. Being able to visit here each morning gives me some sense of balance. Right now, I’m indecisive about so many things and I’m getting so much advice. What you went through yesterday is not surprising at all. I could be doing things, just day-to-day chores, and…WHAM…there it is…a sick feeling in your stomach…the memory of something in particular…and here come the tears and the sobs. Throughout our marriage, I would look at Bob every now and then and say to myself, “I can’t ever imagine my life without him.” It’s much worse than I thought it would be. Today is “Friday.” Twelve weeks to the day (8:40 a.m.) I know what Saturdays are for you. You will always have my love and support.
I had a dream yesterday morning. I haven’t dreamed of him very much since his passing, but this dream was very clear. He was here, sitting in his chair, and I told him I could no longer live in this house without him. He smiled at me and said he would never leave again. I had a few seconds of “feeling him.” It was so real; it left me shaken for the day.
My son-in-law was watching t.v. last night and laughing a lot. I had all I could do to stop myself from telling him to “Shut up!!” It really gets to me when I hear laughing, especially when its long and loud. My husband is on the fireplace mantle and he’s laughing like nothing has happened. Why are people so unknowledgable and unaware of how we feel?
Dear Kate, WELCOME HOME TO ALL OF US…. So glad you made it safely. You pulled it together, threw caution to the wind, and did it! Wow! Is your mum still with you? Who will take care of your daughter when she returns home? You’ve accomplished so much since April 13th. I’m so proud of you! Yes, I’ve been having more downs than ups, but knowing you’re there for me and all of us surely helps. Keep us posted on what you’re new life is like in HK. Okay? Your response to Jeanie B. was great. Truthful and honest. Love to you….hugs, too.
I’m going to rest a while. Please know I love you all and will always be here to support and inspire, if I can.
Marilyn
Hello. My name is Linda and I have been praying for a support group should things take a turn for the worse with my fiancee, Mark. I feel as though I have gone through some of the stages of grief this past year, although he has not been diagnosed yet. That is a horrible feeling. I look at him daily while noticing weight loss, new tumors in the lymphatic system and his overall lethargy. He has put off being diagnosed for various reasons but will be beginning his journey into treatment this month. He has had lymphoma twice before. This time the unofficial diagnosis is Burkitts lymphoma. It is a very aggressive cancer. I feel that he is in stage 3 if not 4. I try not to speculate. The really strange, but very cool thing is that Corinne has invited me to her blog several times and I wasn’t ready. She and I go back about 20 years in our friendship. But out of the blue I emailed her this week and then began to read her blog. (I have never blogged before. I am a true novice at this) I just wanted to let you know that your emotional up and downs are so real to me and I am so grateful to get to know you as I have read and re-read your stories for three days. So, I keep a place of healing in my heart for you girls and I thank you for helping me.
Linda
Twitter: miraclady
July 30, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Having my old friend Linda ending up here with you wonderful and compassionate women is a miracle.
She is in a pre-grief period – and who better to see her through this but you – my dear ones.
We lost close touch when I moved out of the city – but contacted here and there along the years.
She was going through a herrendous divorce when we last were close. That part has been over for several years.
I am sad she has found someone she loves but in such a fragile state.
She is a beautiful and compassionate person. I knew her as a friend and she also worked with me on my TV show.
I will consider it a personal favor if you will surround her with your love.
Her situation does not look too optimistic and she could not have landed in a better place with my treasured dear ones here.
Please keep in touch here, Linda. It is no accident you arrived in this safe place.
Prayers just said for you, your fiance and the others. Hang in there. We’re her for you. Fortunately I can laugh now but I couldn’;t when Mike first passed. My mom was pleased when one day she saw me watching an old 60′s tv show and laughing. I still hurt tho…
Hello, Linda, and welcome to the most wonderful support group on the internet. (Thank you, Corinne)
I’m Marilyn.
My husband, Bob, passed away on a Friday, May 7, 2010. He was misdiagnosed for about a year and a half being told he had a fractured rib, then pneumonia, and finally on April 30th, 4th stage lung cancer. Please accept my warmest condolences. support and love.
Pre-grief is just as real as the grief all of us feel at this moment. I understand how difficult the medical process is along with noticing the signs you just don’t want to see. I’ve been through it. Please stay here with us. If you’ve read our posts, you can see we’re all trying to find our way but with one another. You won’t find a support group anywhere like this one. I am blessed to have all of you.
Received some mail today from the hospice care people about the grieving process, one of them being you might find yourself reviewing over and over the course of your spouse’s illness and death. This is me!Also, you might be wondering if you should have advocated other treatment options. I’ve often said to myself I should have been more inquisitive about the doctor’s diagnosis. Things didn’t add up, but I wanted to believe them. They were the professionals and who was I to doubt them? And finally, the article said….The most important thing you did was support your loved one. And that’s what I have to keep telling myself. We all supported our loved one. All of us.
People grieve because they have loved. It’s that simple.
There are so many things going on in my head. I am now forced to establish an identity as a single person again. Single! Me! I was married over half my life and liked it that way. Learning to accept the unacceptable is not going to be easy.
Thank you, all of you, for listening and letting me express my sadness and loss. Yesterday was 12 weeks. This particular grief is a hard, lonely journey. When I visit here with all of you, I am not alone. I am blessed to have this circle of friends.
Love,
Marilyn
Dear Corinne, Cheryl and Marilyn-
Tears were welling up when I read your loving outreach. I am so grateful. Mark went to medical school to be a surgeon, (Corinne he is a member of MENSA too, ha). Anyway he is un-naturally smart and knows everything the doctors who will be treating him know. He tries to go to the gym everyday. His physique is extremely important to him. Mind, Body, Spirit.
I know he doesn’t feel well when he lays on the sofa all day watching Starship Enterprise or Battlestar Galactica – which has become the norm. (I know he sneaks in the Andy Griffith Show when I’m asleep). Although he is on anti-depressants…..he is depressed.
Yes Marilyn, all I can do is give him my unconditional love. Cheryl, thank you for your prayers. Mark and I recently took a road trip from Chicago to Wyoming. He wanted to show me where he wants his ashes strewn.
This coming week will be the beginning of the journey of bad news, sprinkled with hope. He has cheated death several times serving the United States as a Marine–stabbed, shot, etc. Maybe he will respond to aggressive treatments and survive a few more years.
In the meantime, I will continue to read and devour your journeys with graciousness. It is truly a miracle that I am writing to you all right now.
Thank, Linda
Linda, welcome to our world. I hope so much that your fiancee kicks it and you don’t have th grieve like us. My husband of two years, Steve, died suddenly so it’s hard to imagine being in your position, pre-empting a loss. I want you to know that my ex-boyfriend did kick Burkett’s Lymphoma in Hong Kong. It was aggressive and his wife was facing what you are, with three young kids. I am not trying to give you false hope but I am more than happy to put your husband in contact with him if he would like to discuss his upcoming treatment. My email is kdavieshk@yahoo.com so feel free to contact me directly. If not, no problem. Whatever the case we are all here for you.
Marilyn, thanks for your amazing support and interest. I feel so sad when you say you couldn’t imagine life without Bob. Why did it happen to you, to me, to us??? Single sucks too hey. I just looked at Steve’s computer for the first time and found video I had never seen of us both doing speeches at our engagement drinks. It was surreal watching Steve, listening to him. It felt so normal. I had to remind myself he was gone. Sometimes I read your posts, and others’, and feel that maybe I am not as distraught as you. But tonight I feel I know your pain. It’s just not right that my baby will never know him, will never know what a father is. I hope you are having an UP day. 12 weeks is not long. I am worried my memory is fading fast. Do you worry about that? You made me laugh about your son in law laughing. For a while there I was the only one who allowed to laugh!
back to work tomorrow. Wish me luck. I am scared I’ll buckle under pressure but I have to give it a go.
I hope you can all find some happiness in your Sundays.
Love Kate
Hello to all my caring and supportive circle of friends….
Knowing I have you to turn to during this unbelievable and unwanted turn in my life gives me that extra push I need to keep going. I admit there are days I don’t want to get out of bed. What was once enjoyable for me included Bob (cooking, watching baseball games together, just talking with him about family stuff, etc.) is no longer. Don’t want to do anything I used to enjoy. None of it. Doesn’t interest me. All the legal hassles and necessary contractor’s work on the house has preoccupied my thoughts. As bad as it’s been, and continues to be, it has kept me from dwelling on “those final days” which torment and haunt me. I relive the mortuary taking him from our home and my telling the staff to “Take good care of him.” Even with some kind of warning, NOTHING PREPARES YOU FOR YOUR LIFE THEREAFTER. NOTHING! Just when I think I’m “handling life,” the feeling of his loss consumes me….like living in an empty room. I’m so sad and tired of feeling this way. How do I get past this?
Dearest Kate,
Read your post. You will never forget Steve. Never doubt that. Your love for him will keep his memory very much alive and intact. Even if it seems, sometimes, those memories might be fading, they won’t. Love doesn’t disappear or fade away when you’ve loved someone like we have. Your beautiful daughter will always be there to remind you of his existence and your creation. I look at our daughter and know without Bob, she would not exist. Our thoughts get clouded with all the adjustments that follow such a life-changing event. But, look at what you’ve accomplished since April! And, now you’re beginning a new job and I know, for sure, you’ll do great. In less than four months, look at what you’ve accomplished!!!! WOW! It’s very easy to doubt ourselves when we’re trying to juggle so many things, especially my friends here with children to raise plus the responsibilities of work. At least our daughter, Rebecca, had the wonderful love and guidance of her dad for 31 years. I feel sad your little one won’t have her dad on earth’s plane, but she will have him spiritually. He will be there for her. As hard as it is looking at Bob’s urn every day and not being able to “be with him” the way I want to, I know his spirit and energy are here. They have to be. He wouldn’t have had it any other way. Just before his grim diagnosis on April 30th, I said to Bob…”I’m going to have this conversation with you this one time and if things don’t turn out the way we hope they do, do you want to come home or be laid to rest elsewhere?” He said he wanted to come home and watch over us and that’s where he is. So, don’t worry Kate, your love for Steve, and his for you, will always be there. His memory, too. You can count on that.
Will be thinking of you and how you’re first day at work went. Let us know. Sending you lots of love and support. A big hug, too.
Hi, Linda,
I was so glad to see your post. You have a hard week ahead, but remember we are here for you with our love and support. I hope the recommended treatment for Mark turns things around for both of you. Your love and support will be a huge part of his recovery. Please keep us posted on his progress. Remember, a sprinkle of hope goes a long way…. hold on to it and never give up.
I’m feeling a bit better since the beginning of this post. I get so down at times and writing to all of you brings relief. My twin sister is having a dreadful time. The doctors are very skeptical they will be able to perform the double hip replacement because of her severe osteoporosis and osteoarthritis. They’re concerned her bones aren’t strong enough to hold the prosthesis. We have decided she should seek a second opinion and that’s where we’re at right now. She’s was prescribed steroids by her orthopedic specialist, but they make her very ill. It’s difficult to focus on her because I have so much to deal with right now…..emotionally and physically. I’m trying to be there for her as much as possible, but I feel “spread so thin,” there isn’t much of “me” left after Bob died.
My dear friend, Lori….
Thought of you all day Saturday and hope you got through it without too much sadness. Had a terrible Friday and glad it’s passed. Sometimes, I think I’m regressing instead of progressing. I felt your energy, kindness and love. Returning lots of love and strength your way. Sending another rainbow, too.
Hi, Jeanie….I know how you felt when you saw the fruit cocktail in the refrig. I came across three cans of Ensure I was giving Bob (in desperation) to drink when he couldn’t eat any longer and a flood of those memories hit me like a tidal wave. It was so bad, my daughter had to remove them. Hope your strength is holding up. I’m struggling right now. Seems to come and go, but come more than go. Let us know how you’re doing.
You are all so much a part of my life and well being.
Love,
Marilyn
Hello friends, Linda we welcome you with open arms. This is a fabulous group of women, each wonderful, supportive and full of empathy for one another. We are here for you.
Marilyn, Thought you many, many times on Friday and this whole weekend. That dream you had really was him visiting you. I truly believe that–especially since it was so real and left you shaken. He is with you and always will be, he just wanted you to know that. I’ve had many similar experiences. The little things, like the Ensure, hit us incredibly hard and it is hard for people to understand isn’t it? I also felt like I regressed before, I still do. It comes and goes and I almost always feel blindsided by the whole thing. I get very, very sad when my kids get sad. They had a Father-Son baseball game and of course, my son has no father. Why couldn’t they call it a family game? One of my nephews came and played with him so he would have someone. That’s the stuff that makes this whole thing the most heartbreaking.
Love, love, and more love to all of you, Lori
Hi there,
Marilyn, thanks for your beautiful support again. Work went well today and no doubt I was spurred on by my well wishers like you. It’s not a new job, my old one it is, but I was scared because no one has seen or heard from me for almost four months and I think a lot of them were expecting this shadow or shell to walk in but I of course made an effort and was quite excited in a funny way (maybe because I have worked there for 11 years) and everyone kept telling me I looked good, in a shocked way. It’s hard to respond to. My HK Chinese colleagues don’t ask about death because their culture says it’s impolite, so the conversations are so awkward. Everything but the obvious is asked. It’s actually quite amusing. I found myself dropping Steve’s name in to unrelated answers just to get a reaction. They practically whince! Oh well, I suppose they are being polite so I have to respect their intentions. I think Lori is right about Bob being there. That was my natural reaction too. I think we need to believe those things too. Sometimes we have simply lost our faith in magic.
Lori, you struck a chord with the fathers and sons day. I have a strong feeling that my great undoing will be my propensity to feel deep and excrucitating pain on my daughter’s behalf when she realises she is not like all her friends, by not having a father. What will we do on Fathers’ Day. I never liked the stupid thing anyway. Maybe we will run off to a country where they have bigger things to deal with. It just cuts me up even thinking about it. I am currently building a list of male friends who I am going to appoint as her “angels” who can get involved in things with her and teach her the male perspective, along with my brothers. I keep trying to tell myself dad’s aren’t important. What a joke I am!!
Night all. Hang in there for small miracles. xx Kate
Week 10 and still feel like it was just yesterday… I just want all of the pain to stop.
Ok I think…….. no.. i know men must be CRAZY.. i actually had a friend of mine (male) ask me if I was dating yet? He thought I should get out have a drink & try to have a little fun. Really? Really? I wanted to slug him but I guess he meant well.. I told him politely that I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet. I know see why men are quick to remarry again. I asked him how he would feel about this if the roles were reversed. He said he knew whomever he married that she would want him to be happy & not mope around all day. I AM NOT MOPING I am grieving and I think that’s the difference.
Oh well another day …
Hope you ladies are doing better than I am ..
Hugs and Kisses
Jeanie B
Hi All,
I haven’t posted anything lately, but I have been lurking! It is a comfort to know I have so many ‘sisters’ sharing this experience with me, even though we all are unique in our experiences in some ways. In other ways, we are very much the same. For the new ones who aren’t familiar with me: My fantastic husband-of-43-years, Don, died on June 23, 2008, after struggling with pancreatic cancer for over two years. I have two grown children who are married and live nearby, and they have been a tremendous support for me. Don and I shared a strong faith in our Lord Jesus, and we know we’ll be reunited in Him, eventually. That faith has carried me through the two years since Don’s death, and I know it will sustain me throughout eternity. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle! Because Don was my identity and my life, and it was so wonderful, I keep slipping back into wanting him and my ‘real’ life back…….. to the point that the longing almost renders me useless. The only way I can pull out of that pit it through prayer and scripture. I do have a good life, and am very thankful for it, but will always miss my Don.
What prompted me to write today is Jeanie’s comment about men. I long ago came to the same conclusion about men…… most men, that is. There are a few exceptions, like my Don. During my childhood and through high school I kept running into that same quality in men and by the time I graduated from high school I had concluded that I wouldn’t get married because I wouldn’t want to partner with any of the fellows I had dated, and I hadn’t seen any examples of marriage that were something I’d want. While I enjoyed men as friends, I couldn’t see any of them (that I had met to that point) as life-long partners. And then the Lord brought Don into my life and showed me what men and marriage were supposed to be like…….. and it was glorious!
Now I am slowly adjusting to life without Don. I’m enjoying developing many new women friends, which is something new for me because Don had been my best friend and we had done everything together. I’d also like to have male friends, but it is unlikely that will happen. When I was in high school I’d often go hiking or to a movie with several guys, just as a bunch of friends, but that kind of thing doesn’t happen much at this age. It’s not only that the guys are wired toward ‘pairing off,’ but society is geared towards couples. An example of what I’m talking about happened at my church. There’s a fellow a few years older than I whose wife died a few months before Don. Before she died we had gotten together a few times as couples because of our common bond…. both Don and the fellow’s wife had cancer. After Don died, the fellow and I talked about devoted we were to our spouses, but the people in the church started expecting that we’d get together as a couple. Even though the fellow talked about how he missed his wife, he still acted like he wanted to ‘get together’ to me, and I found that to be terribly upsetting. Thankfully, there are a few other widows in our church and I encouraged a group of us to ‘befriend’ the fellow. Some of the other widows had told me that they were interested in a new relationship, so the fellow has now ‘gotten together’ with one of them. It is a great relief for me, and I wish them the best. However, the whole situation shows me how unlikely it is that I’ll be able to have a friendship with a single man…… my friendships will only be with men who are already coupled with someone else, therefore I can relax with them.
I may not post often, but when I do… it’s a book!
Again, and always…. thank you, Corinne, for creating this venue for us.
Blessings,
Jeanine
It feels like an age since I last wrote. YOu all seem to be having those good days and bad days we all talk about.
Kate it was great to read your posts, and to know that you have settled back “home”. Work might be daunting, and you will have fun over the next few weeks, making your colleagues uncomfortable, I can tell you have a naughty streak. Be kind to them, but I’m sure you have a little chuckle to yourself when you bring the spirit of Steve into the conversation. Good on you girl.
My sweet ladies, who have been having bad days. You know where to come and that is important to us all. It won’t be all bad, but at least let us help you turn bad days into more good days. Keep your faith and let your love for your partner help you through it.
Linda, what can I say. Pre-grief is just as hard as post. Take the practicle approach – come here and visit, OFTEN, because we are a mixed bunch. Some have witnessed the deterioration of a loved one, whilst others have had to cope with well one day, gone the next. Either way if, and I say if, the inevitable happens we will be here for you.
I took a journey at the weekend, my first on my own and not to visit family or close friends. I had a fantastic time, even had a drink which is unusually for me and I only cried once, whilst on the train and a song I was listening to had a lyric about doing things in case we died tonight. My poor Martin, I love him so much.
Monday will be -1 on the anniversary stakes. I’ve decided to it has to be -1, because he’s not here with me. I just hope that my family realise how hard Monday is going to be, because I don’t want to spell it out for them. It should have been 14 years. I know that if I could have one day over with Martin, it would be our wedding day. It was a small family and friends affair, but one that I will never forget. Now you’ve done it, can’t stop crying.
Love to you all
Normaxxx
Dear Norma-
Thank you for acknowledging that pre-grief is very difficult. I have stumbled upon on you wonderful ladies accidentally. (Although I believe that this was no “accident”).
Mark sarcastically said over the weekend, “Can’t you wait until I’m gone to join a group of like this”? I began thinking that he’s got a point.
First, it is not fair to you all who are mourning and trying to transition into a life without your husbands. Also, I feel bad that I still have my “soul mate” while you are grieving.
So, if anyone can help me find a blog group (remember I am a beginner) for women who are facing the particular turmoil that I am in, can you give me advice? Is there a support group that anyone knows of with their husbands or partners on a slippery slope fighting for their life?
I will still be lurking (Norma) and keep everyone in the loop, but I also need to find a cancer support group. I just don’t know how to navigate my way to finding one.
Thank you Corrine, Marilyn, Kate, Lori, Jeanie, Jeanine, Norma and anyone else who I may have missed in acknowledging. I just want to say that Mark missed his CT scan yesterday but went for a complete blood work-up this morning. The doctor said that he looked a lot worse than before physically. Meanwhile, his body is still ripped with muscle. His face is gaunt and I see the tumors in his cheeks, neck and forehead. I still tell him that I think he looks great and I do not see a difference. Is that the right thing to do? If I said that, he would obsess.
Anyway, if anyone can help find another spot to talk about this, I would be very grateful.
Best to all,
Linda
Twitter: miraclady
August 3, 2010 at 2:49 pm
OK Linda – I understand that you would like to connect with a group where your loved one is still with us.
There are such groups. The Cancer Wellness Center – a few in downtown Chicago. Call the American Cancer center. They will help you locate them.
You want to support your partner.
My question to you is -
Why does he have to know about this? Are you not important also?
There are some things that possibly should not be shared.
Drop out now if you feel guilty. But do not deprive yourself of the incredible women who are here.
I guarantee you that you will find this no where else.
I haven’t.
This group is a miracle. I still cannot figure out how I started it.
I only can understand if I believe that there is Divine Intervention somewhere,
I was the instrument.
Corinne –
YES! Of course I read every post very carefully. I am in a different position. What can I contribute to these women who are mourning and trying to get on with their lives? Presently, I am trying to embrace the fact that Mark has finally decided to get help. I have lived over a year with a man who knew he had cancer and said, “when I’m gone blah, blah, blah”. I have had to be cheerleader and maintain a positive attitude all the while it has been draining me. If it wasn’t for his mentor, a renown doctor and friend who recently read him the riot act, he would just let himself die.
He is a full blooded Italian and stubborn as hell. His attitude is that he is powerless over this and there is nothing he can do about this.
I don’t want to “drop out”, but I will begin to take our laptop into the bedroom. He doesn’t want to hear about me “whining”, so you are right…..I will not share this with him.
I am going to take a couple of business classes online this fall. I believe that school helps my head.
I know this blog is a special miracle, and I am not going to leave. I am just in an emotional state. His bloodwork results came back and things have only worsened. Seriously. In a way it’s his f-ing fault for not going to get treatment, but he was working on being a clinical psychologist. He achieved incredible goals. But, although he loves me I feel he’s making peace with dying.
We both agreed that I will continue to do blog in a separate room. This way I can keep this to myself. My feelings are important and I need the support from you and these women.
I love you,
Linda
Linda,
When Don was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer I did Internet research and found out that it is considered to be incurable when at stage 3 and metastatic, which is what it was with Don. I found myself typing ‘widow’ in Google, and then looking at what sites came up. After a minute or two I felt shocked at myself and quickly shut down the computer. It shook me that I was allowing myself to think that way without a fight. Two years later, after we had fought hard and Don had experienced many almost-normal months of remission, Don was showing signs that his body was shutting down, but I couldn’t stop fighting for him. I couldn’t accept that he actually was dying. It wasn’t until after his ashes were buried and everyone’s lives (accept mine) had gone back to ‘normal’ that I allowed myself to look for a widow site again. I tell you all this for you to know that others have done the ‘widow search’ before they were widows, and to encourage you to continue as you are….. facing the reality directly. I didn’t, so the support that can come from a site like this was delayed for me.
What I did find, however, were sites that were supportive of people (and their caregivers) who were facing a particular disease. Through ACOR I found a group that dealt only with pancreatic cancer, and that was helpful. You can find them at http://www.acor.org.
I’m saying a prayer for you… and for all of us!
Jeanine
We’re all here for you. Prayers jsut said for ya.
In other news, I was reading my friend the singers website and someone wrote on there that at a recent show of his in Germany he met folks after the show. Funny how he can meet strange folks overseas but when coming to my local area can’t even see me or his other friend. I know it upset him about Mike but don’t shut me out. I need friends too and someone to talk to about Mike. Thank God for local friends who are there. Here’s hoping that when I see him next yr, he will see me after the shows. Big sigh…
Cheryl,
I’m curious about your friend, the singer. How did you and your husband first meet him? How often did you get to see him?
Dear Linda, I understand your logic. Martin died of Motor Neurone Disease (usually known as ALS across the pond). I was discouraged away from forums that dealt with this, although I did find an excellent site where I could get advise on particular things. I had my practical head on, getting things done that would make things easier for Martin and hopefully give him a better quality of life whilst I had him. I didn’t think about the pre-grief, I couldn’t let it in because it would interfere with how I dealt with my daily/nightly duties. At the same time, my Mum was dying of cancer. The Marie Curie nurses who came in to look after Martin (they don’t just deal with terminal cancer patients), I would discuss how my Mum was doing and they would advise me on how long they felt she had. Mum passed away 4 weeks before Martin, and although Martin was firt and foremost in my mind, I had to postpone my grief for my Mum. But I knew that Martin would not be long behind her, because I could see the same symptoms of the body shutting down in Martin.
What I’m trying to say is, you will get just as good support for the “living” as you will for the dearly departed. You have found this site already, why go through the pain of finding another? We understand what you are going through, and what is yet to come. Stay Linda – let us help you on this journey and although you like to be honest with your man, what he doesn’t know will not hurt him and we can help you. I’m glad you found this site, you were meant to. As you are a woman of faith, take it as a sign from your God, and don’t fight it.
I’m sending you some strength to help you get through the difficult task ahead. Make the most of your time with your fiance, if he is in such good physical shape, make the most of that. Sometimes hands are enough! (Sorry ladies I don’t want to be crude, but I think you know what I mean, and it makes me happy to know that Linda can still do this, because right now I’m thinking back to happier “hands time” with Martin and I will be smiling all day).
I love you all.
Normaxxx
Dear friends,
When I saw all the postings, I was so glad and looked forward to reading each and every one of them. Coming here is like coming home to all your loved ones and I love each and every one of you.
Dear Linda, While I understand your position, as precarious as it feels, I agree with Corinne and Norma. Your love and support are important to us and I know we will be a mountain of strength for you, no matter what the result. Of course, we all respect your relationship with Mark and know times are difficult. I only wish I had found my friends here during the time everything started to unravel, not after. I know for a fact I would have been loved and cared for. That’s what we do….love and nurture, no matter what the circumstance. I hope you stay with us. Keep us posted on your fiancee’s progress. Remember the book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?” How true! But, we love ‘em and all their “little quirks,” don’t we? Hope you’ll feel comfortable to remain with the friends you’ve made here. We truly care for and help one another.
Our daughter, Rebecca, had quite an experience last night. She was passing through our bedroom (Bob’s and mine). It was dark, but she saw something that looked like “white smoke” or insence….a man’s figure with a hat. (Bob frequently wore a hat). She came running into the kitchen scared out of her wits and told me what happened. We came to the conclusion it had to be our Bob. What else could it be? She’s not one with a wild imagination….very grounded. Remember the dream I had last week when I was telling him I could no longer live in this house and he said he would never leave? I’m sure these are signs. I told her he’s trying to “get through” to us and not to be afraid. She’s not. We both started to cry. He loved us so much.
It’s going on 8:00 a.m. L.A. time. The attorney is coming by to go over more things that have to be administrated since Bob’s passing. Will post later.
Love,
“Mare”
Hi Linda,
Please don’t feel bullied but just know we are all here for you, not waiting, but just here when you are ready. You are being so brave and strong for Mark and for you, and we all understand how much energy that takes. I have had the “here one day, gone the next” (as Norma says) experience so I don’t know what it’s like to watch your partner suffer over a long period but so many exceptional women here have been in your position. I think they can guide you in many ways. Gosh I sound like a cult leader, but if I had known what I was in for, and had been told how I may feel, or helped through a process by people who had been through it themselves, I might not have said and done some of the things I did. Luckily a friend of a friend heard my story within 24 hours of Steve dying and because she had been through the same thing a year earlier she was in touch immediately and fortunately I called her within weeks. I can’t tell you how good I felt to meet someone who truly understood my pain and loss. Of course each situation is so unique but you belong wherever you can find true understanding. I’m sure there are other sites/groups too, as you say. Sometimes I listen to my friends who have been let down by their husbands or I witness it first hand and I think “where’s my Steve. He was unique. So beautiful, caring, gentle, giving etc. There’s no one else like him out there. These women have no idea what a good husband is. I had him and bloody well lost him and can’t show people how amazing he is and if I keep telling them all how amazing he was they’ll all think I am putting him on a pedestal since he has died and that I am forgetting his bad side etc.” BUT THEN I REALISE that there are women who understand, the ones on this site. They had as beautiful husbands/partners as I did. Some of them had even better perhaps, and longer time with them. They have the same feelings. Even stronger in some cases. They were as proud of their partners as I was. They go to the depths of despair and back like me. They want the happy days back like me. They feel cheated like me. They can’t believe they deserve this, like me. They have grown in areas they never wanted to grow in like me. That’s when I realise I am in the right company and I am not being judged.
I hope we can truly help you darling. You have a long road but with us you have support all the way.
Norma – you are spot on! Monday is going to be tough but you sound to me like someone who may still find some kind of joy on the day. I truly hope you do. I think I will have a date with Steve via a clairvoyant. You are good for this site and me.
xx Kate
Thank you Kate, you are right, I will be sad as it is -1 on Monday, but I think I will be smiling all day, as memories of that brilliant day come flooding back. Watch this space.
I will be saving like mad next year, as I plan to head your way in 2012 for a holiday (Japan, New Zealand and now Hong Kong are on my list), and I can’t wait to meet you, Ruby and who know’s………..
Mare (I’m sorry I know I shouldn’t, but it is fitting for you), I sense how down you feel. I can picture you in your daily routines, and the sleepless nights and I can feel it, truly I do. You have tough times at the moment, with every “normal” thing that you have to deal with. Remember Bob is watching over you, he is helping you through this tough time and he knows that you will get through it. You know your husband very well, so if you feel down or exhausted at the thought of dealing with “normal” things, ask yourself “what would you do Bob?” You’ll find the answer. I love you sweet-heart and I’m sending you love and strength to help you get through this tough time where you need to put your practicle head on.
My sweet, sweet Ladies. People will often try to tell you what you should do, here we will tell you what we would do, remember the choice is always and will be yours. Have patience with these people, they mean well, and they might only be trying to help.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello friends,
Mare–you better believe that was Bob! My kids all had similar experiences “seeing” their dad. One saw him in the dining room, one in the car with me when I was driving away, one in the bedroom, and one on the hockey bench with him. These were just some of times, they have had many of these experiences. Bob is and always will be with you and Rebecca. I think I wrote about a book I read that is full of people having “seen” their loved one. It is called “Hello From Heaven”. It is actually very comforting to us when it happens.
Denise, sending you hugs, love, and peace.
Love to all,
Lori
I think you saw him. I know Mike tapped me on my shoulder once when I was lying in bed and he appeared as an invisible presence once when I was lying in bed. Prayers and hugs to all…
Dear Linda, you have a typical man. There’s nothing wrong with me, it will pass, I’m really fit, I’ve not got time to see a Doctor, I am a Doctor I know best.
I’m going to tell you a story, true story. My Uncle Stewart, died of cancer of the spine about 3 or 4 years ago (sorry but I still get my dates wrong since last year never happened). He suffered from arthritis of the spine so he was used to pain in that area. A couple of months before he passed, he got confirmation of the terminal diagnosis and I visited him in the hospice. I asked him “You must have known the pain you were getting was different to what you normally feel.” He replied “yes” “Why didnt you go to the doctor then? You might not be facing death now?” His words were, “I didn’t want to worry Moira (his wife)” you can imagine what I said to him, but it was along the lines of “so you’d rather die now than have worried your wife when they could have done something about it?”
When Martin began showing signs and symptoms, I said to him, Get to the Doctor, because if you have something that could have been sorted, you won’t need to wait for death I’ll kill you myself. He had the same attitude, don’t like going to the Doctor, it will be fine, it’s nothing.
Thankfully I didn’t have to kill him, as MND is a no cause, no cure disease. Martin had a very black sense of humor and he considered getting a t-shirt that said, “I wish I had Cancer” He meant that at least with Cancer he might have had a fighting chance.
Your fiance might appear selfish (what man isn’t), but in reality he is re-acting to disease the same way as thousands of people react. They remain so much in denial that they can’t see anything else.
I hope you don’t mind – but you need to be more forcefull with him, and let him know that when he is gone, you still need to carry on. And if he thinks you are whinging on now, then he’s an ar*e and too wrapped up in his own importance. Have you had “but your not dying, what have you got to whinge about?” My mum was like that, so much so that when she said it to my distraught sister, my sister vowed never to cry in front of her again.
I want to call Mark and give him a peace of my mind, to remind him, that just because he is the one with the illness, it affects everyone in his life, you Linda more than most. With mum, I just asked them to be patient with her, to just let her know that we loved her and we will try to do as much as we can for her, but when things got bad I was the one who would take the stern approach and remind her of the people around her who were suffering with her.
it’s hard, and it will only get harder. Martin was always a 4 year old at heart. He had terrible trouble with depression throughout his life, and on many occassions he considered talking his own life. Thankfully I could always get him through the bad times. When he was given the “death sentence” he finally became a man. We talked and he wanted to see it through to the bitter end, he didn’t want to end his own life, he wanted to see it through.
My mum didn’t believe anything was wrong with him (it’s a long story and I won’t go into it now), but Martin and I joked that if he went first, then we could say “I told you there was something wrong” and then we would laugh, because she probably still wouldn’t believe it.
I’ve rambled on, but just a reminder, stay Linda you are probably going to do more good than you know coming here, because one thing we widows don’t really talk about is the before and sometimes we need to.
Much love
Normaxxx
Just thought I’d jump in and say “Hi” to Linda.
My husband was big on denial where the cancer was concerned. We were both being very positive and strong for each other through out… I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not, but it is how we gave each other strength.
However… there were times when Joe was in pain and he’d blame it on anything but the cancer. Then… he ended up in so much pain that he was admitted to palliative care and put on such high doses of meds that he was not able to feed himself. I knew that he wasn’t ready and it wasn’t time for this yet and insisted on less meds. I practically had to force the nurses and doctor and stand strong against their bullying that I would be putting him in more pain….
The next day, after the reduced meds, Joe woke up cranky, wanting to know where his watch and phone were and what happened to the day he’d lost in la la land – his stupid grown up son had taken his phone and watch – why I don’t know, but didn’t feel I could say – stupid me. BUT THEN….
Joe was in denial about how sick he was. We were living in separate towns and he was still working as Chaplain in the air force – my daughter was finishing final yr at school so, although we married that year we stayed in our different towns planning to get our act together in the next year -( not thinking that the disease was going to progress as it did – prostate cancer) and we lived together on weekends.
The palliative care staff were organising Joe’s care plan for going home – he was at the point of needing constant care… everyone realised it but him… he wanted to go back to his rented home and continue as normal. I lost it there in the hospital and told him how sick he was and how we’d already nearly lost him. It was awful.
I used to look up things on the net about grief. Its a prolonged grief and somewhat unique when you know someone is dying in this way. I didn’t really find anything helpful.
Joe, however, was grateful to have time to prepare…. we lived and enjoyed each day as much as we could within the limitations…. we’d go out for coffee, and visit friends briefly, (as long as there were no steps involved) even up to the few days before he died.
My prayers are with you.
Bye for now,
Niki
Everyone in this special group mean so much to me. I know I’m with the right company….each of us voicing different views and perspectives. Diversified. Wonderful. Inspirational. I truly love all of you.
I gravitate to this website to be with all of you. I see our friendships blossoming…. all of us trying to get to know one another better. You are my little bouquet of flowers I carry with me each day.
My loving friend, Norma…
Your senses are correct. Daily routines are difficult and every day I ask Bob, “What would you do?” about so many things. How did you know that? A tragic event has brought us all together and I’m so glad we found one another. Call it destiny. Call it fate. No one could find better friends than us. This Monday, I will be carrying you in my heart the whole day. One year. You are a strong lady, Norma. I admire you so much for that strength, but I also know you have tears. I love you, too. “Mare”
Lori….my beautiful friend from the beginning. The love and support you showed me when I first posted kept me coming back. It was Bob, wasn’t it? No other explanation. When I read about the connections to Tim you’ve had, I actually got goose bumps. They are communicating with us, not in the realm we would like, but they are here for us and watching over us. I truly believe that now. Another strange occurrence happened last Monday, one day before Rebecca saw her dad. She had gone to the attorney’s office to let him know I wasn’t able to keep an appointment he had made because he didn’t have wheelchair access to his office. He is on the second floor and stairs were the only option. He had told her that he just cannot close down his office to accommodate me (not that I expected him to) and being that he had come to see me here at home a couple of times, I assumed he was going to continue to do so. Not so. When Rebecca told me he could no longer come here to see me, I accepted the fact and figured I was going to have to find someone else to help me. In the early morning hours of Tuesday, my time to visit mylovely friends here, I talked to Bob and told him how worried and scared I was. How was I going to find another attorney to help me? An attorney making house calls is very far and few between, really non-existent. At 8:00 a.m., Tuesday morning, the phone rang and it was the attorney’s office telling me he would come here, after all!!!! Can you believe that? So many signs….the dream….the attorney….the vision. So glad we’re friends. I’m just about to make a pot of coffee for Rebecca before she gets ready for work. I always think of you, my beautiful friend.
Love you, “Mare”
Hi, LeAnn,
Haven’t heard from you lately. Hope you’re doing okay. Thinking of you. Please post and let us all know how you’re doing.
Hi, Linda,
So glad you’re going to stay with us. You won’t regret it. Will look forward to reading your posts. Sending prayers for you and Mark…. strength and comfort, too.
Dearest Kate,
Think of you every day. Look forward to hearing about your new beginning in HK. Love and teddy bear hugs to you and Ruby.
My love and support go to all of you……
Always,
“Mare”
I know it’s been said not to make any “big decisions” during the first six months of your loved one’s death, but I’m coming to the realization I may no longer be able to afford California’s cost of living. So, I’m thinking about moving out of state, maybe Nevada. Getting lots of advice and being told it’s “retiree friendly.” Don’t know. Been “doing the math.” California’s property taxes are very high, car insurance very high, sales tax 9.75%, etc. No longer have Bob’s social security for income and mine was much lower than his. The value of our home has dropped 50% from two years ago. All of this is daunting. Still can’t go into our bedroom or his office. Haven’t touched a piece of clothing, or anything for that matter. I’m suspended in time. Bob did the taxes and although I asked him to “teach me” every year, it never happened. The attorney told me yesterday that I should seek a tax professional. Do I stay or do I go? California unemployment very high. Daughter works part-time (and lucky to have that job.) Son-in-law laid off last January.
Here’s one for the books….
Remember when the bank wouldn’t let me order checks for the bank account because they hadn’t received the “Change of Relationship” form taking Bob off the account? (attorney’s error) Well, that did finally get straightened out. I was advised to start “the process” of applying for credit in my name only and when I did, I was declined. Declined!!!! Why? Lack of insufficient duration of relationship with the bank. Bob and I were with them for 16 years! But, since the “change of relationship” took place, to the bank, I’ve been with them less than one month! Now, I’ve been told to apply for a secure card, one you pay up front with your own money and let the bank oversee how you pay over a period of one/two years. Bob had a fico score of 829, we were never late on a mortgage payment, or anything for that matter, and I was declined. Now, the bank tells me continuing to apply for credit in my own name will be difficult with the “decline” because other credit companies will see the “decline” and continue to reject me. I didn’t need or want the credit in the first place; I was told to try to establish credit separate from Bob. This is an ongoing nightmare. Have any of you had these kinds of problems, or is it just me?
Thanks for the shoulder. It surely helps.
Love to all….
“Mare”
Hello Friends, Haven’t heard from some of you for awhile, hoping you are well and hanging on.
Corinne, Received your new book in the mail yesterday and am 1/2 way through it! LOVE IT. I can relate to many of the things you write about, plus I love the humorous side. Hope to finish it at the “lake place” tomorrow (because MN is the land of 10,000 lakes, most people have lake places–we did not and always referred to the public pool as our “lake place”).
Mare, I know it’s Friday and that is always difficult, know I am thinking about you today sending love and big hugs. What is going on with the crazy bank issues? Are there any SS survivor benefits for you? What kind of an attorney doesn’t have accessible access for his clients? Isn’t that illegal? Sorry, I may have overstepped my bounds.
Sending lots of hugs, love, and positive energy to all of you. Love, Lori
Twitter: miraclady
August 5, 2010 at 11:29 am
Dear Lori -
So thrilled that you are enjoying my book.
Hope my other dear ones will consider buying it. They can use a few laughs.
I won’t make a million dollars on it at $14.95 but it will make everyone on this site know that what I write is about them. We have all the same or similar experiences.
Here’s the link to click on if anyone is so inclined.
http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Without-Man-Corinne-Edwards/dp/1452846197/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1280154476&sr=1-1
Just to set the record straight. On Monday it will be my wedding anniversary. I would have been married for 14 years, but I’ve decided I will have been married for -1 year. Martin passed on the 1st December 2009 (which seems a life time away), so I’ve got the worst anniversary to come. As the 1st December is World Aids day, I have decided to rename it to Martin woz ‘ere day. That’s a saying over her, you saw it graffitied everywhere. In respect of the organisation, I will be wearing a cornflower blue ribbon on the 1st December instead of a red one (world aids colour). Martin had Motor Neurone Disease (usually known as ALS across the pond), and the flower of the MND association is a cornflower.
Pues, (so in Spanish), that’s the record straight. I’m feeling happy at the moment, because I am remembering my wedding day and the run up to it. Monday will be happy/sad, where tears may flow when I’m happy or sad because he is no longer here with me. I like the idea of -1 because it will remind me of how many anniversaries I will have been without Martin, and, it will confusion the hell out of people when they ask me how long I was married. My naughty joke!
Mare, you sound brighter today. I’m glad. As to the credit, you will struggle to get credit irrespective of your past history. Take the card, a year will pass before you know it. Also it may be useful to keep the house, the economy will pick up and then you will see more for your property, improve your credit rating and then retire to Nevada.
Bob might want you to stay, to give yourself a chance to get used to being without him physically, in more friendly surroundings. In fact I think he wants to stay there for a little while longer himself, to see you through the tough trying days you are having before you can start over in sunny Nevada. I’m sorry Mare, I’ve just had the weirdest sensation and I think what I’ve written is just right. Bob says no, don’t move just yet, he’s not ready. Forgive me, Mare, I have no idea what’s just happened, I just know I needed to write that.
I’m signing off now, getting late here, time for bed. I’m sorry to all who read this post, I could have deleted it, but I’m not supposed to. Please don’t read anything into this, I’m probably just tired.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi
I feel paralyzed because if I begin to write then I may cry and also I will not know if I am “doing” this blog correct because I never want to leave anyone unrecognized-everyone is a blessing.
Norma- Dear God. You hit the nail on the head when you describe the
attitude of the male of whom I am dealing with. He doesn’t want to upset me: God forbid I cry or show emotional release. Yet, in the end, they do everything they can to beat a delibitating disease once it stares them in the face? What’s up with that? I plan ahead. Okay, yes I obsess a bit. But I do not wait until the earthquake erupts…..I plan ahead for plan B, C, & D.
Mark got pre-certified at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. This is vitally important due to the new health care laws (Thanks to Obama.) Don’t like him at all for many reasons. But, that is politics…Oh wait….Obama care is politics. I know many Europeans like him, but he’s a joke. Sorry, I digress.,
Anyway, Mark is the “brave one.” Last night he told me the Army needs Mental Health psychologists to go to Afghanistan. He wants to go. I said, “then I am going”. I was quickly shut down.
I realized that he is just doing ……I don’t know what he’s doing. I am so confused and I think I am just going to log off and cry some more.
Thanks everyone,
Linda
Hi my friends_
Thank goodness I am a beginner at “blogging”. I wrote such an emotional piece 2 hours ago that I cried myself to a nap.
I appreciate a place to go to and purge. (whether one see’s it or not)
It is great for my soul. Plus, it doesn’t cost me $175 per 45 mins. to a person who doesn’t “get it”.
Today Mark got pre-certified for the litinay of tests beginning on Monday.
I must go…..Mark has dinner ready. OMG, this man cleans, cooks, but mostly he is my best friend. Shit. ( Am I allowed to use that language? Probably better off using Darn. I will try to not cuss from now on.)
Okay, thank you so much -all of you. As this becomes more familiar, I promise my etiquette will become more professional.
Love, Linda
Thank you Linda, you made me laugh. Etiquette is paramount, NOT! What I would recommend, is replacing one letter with a symbol, we’ll get the message, I promise!
Seriously do you think the Army are going to take Mark to Afganhstan? (spelling before 6am is not good).
Another wee story for you. Nagging – a long time ago, very early on in my relationship with Martin, I realised that I was going to get nowhere nagging him into doing things. I had to come up with another way to get my own way. Women so good at manipulating their men. Over the years I developed a technique where I let Martin do whatever he wanted (big learning curve, truly), but also getting what I wanted him to do, without actually nagging him about it. As it turned out, it really was about honesty. By being honest with him, and telling him how I felt (not always easy), he soon realised that all the choices he made were his own, and that this helped me get what I wanted, without nagging. Shouting back and forth was sometimes the result, but I always told him, you shout at me, I shout louder. I knew when to leave it as did he, and often on those occassions we would go and do our own thing to get the space we needed.
When I had tearful moments during that last 6 months of his illness, I would tell him my concerns. I was sad because I knew that it was unlikely that we would see my 40th birthday together, and he would tell me that I needed to be strong for him, to help him get through it. He was trying to be there for me, without actually being able to give me that cuddle I so despreately needed. I would then pick myself up and he would get down and we’d do it all over the other way round.
If Mark wants to go and see about helping the boys, you could say, sounds like a good idea, maybe you could help the boys here between treatments it will give you something to do.
It’s obvious, Linda that he wants to try and carry on as normal, so why fight that? But be honest with him, let him know you are going to have moments where you will need to cry, because bottling things up are going to make it worse. A good tip is when you need to speak to him and have a heart to heart, do it over a meal at a resteraunt, it is sometimes easier to expressing your feelings in public, but not in public.
We used to joke that you could be arranging a murder at a table over dinner, and no one would care.
Keep bloggin, Linda, you are helping me because no-one I know really wants to hear about the before now that Martin is gone.
Nikki, brilliant sharing, is it helping you?
Much love
Normaxxx
I think you can collect on your hubbys social security when you are either 60 or 62 or something like that. I pray I can when I get that age or I am in deep trouble as I don’t qualify for any cuz when I worked it was for the govt & I paid into govt retirement instead of SS. I got laid off after nearly 10 yrs so I don’t get much $$$ from them come the time I am of age to collect on it.
How I became friends with my singer friend was I became a fan of his in 1988. In 1989 he did 3 shows here in VA & Mike & I went to them. We got to meet him after the shows. Ever since then he’s been meeting Mike & I after the shows except for lately since Mike passed…
I found an attorney’s response to the question about how much of your Social Security benefits you can collect. Who asked a question about this? You are right, you can collect Social Security Survivors Benefits based on your husband’s Social Security work record as early as age 60. But if you claim benefits before you reach your full benefits age, your survivors benefits will be reduced based on income you earn over the yearly limit. (in other words, if you are working up to your retirement age, before age 60, the govn. takes money from you – see below.) Your benefits age is your full retirement age for claiming your own Social Security retirement benefits – between 65 and 66, depending on the year you were born. Once you reach full retirement age, there is no limit on the income you can earn and still collect your full survivors benefits. If you are less than full retirement age, though, Social Security deducts $1 from your benefits for each $2 you earn above $13,560. That’s the limit for 2008 – it goes up each year. This limit only applies to money you earn from current work. Any other income you get that’s not from work you’re doing now – such as pensions, savings, investments – does not count against this yearly limit and does not affect your survivors benefits. If you never worked outside the home and earned no money during your marriage, you can definitely collect your deceased husband’s s/s benefits as early as age 60!
There’s a special rule if you reach full retirement age this year. In that case, Social Security deducts $1 from your survivors benefits for each $3 you earn above $36,120 up to the month you reach full retirement age. I hope this helps whoever asked about s/s benefits to widows.
Cheryl –
As much as you care about the singer and think of him as a friend, he might not see you the same way. You may think about him with special fondness (as you would a close friend) and feel a strong need to connect with him because attending his concerts is something you and Mike enjoyed together. Simply put, you associate the singer with Mike. But unless the singer is a true friend, meaning, someone you regularly see socially outside his concerts, and he’s someone you have a true relationship with; i.e., someone you have meals with, socialize with at your home or his home or at a restaurant on special occasions to jointly celebrate life’s milestones or ordinary events, it’s possible this singer thinks of you as a cherished fan of his music and his concert performances and nothing else. He may not have any spare time or energy left in his life to deepen the acquaintance with you or provide you with any one-on-one attention at this time. I get the impression from what you wrote on this website about him that he realizes that Mike has passed away, and you feel he is either avoiding you or not making time for you. He may not feel it’s appropriate for him to do anything for you other than to provide you with great music to hear at his concerts. He may think that it is his place to be a shoulder for you to lean on during this horrible time in your life. I hope you aren’t too discouraged by his apparent choice not see you after concerts. I hope you continue to enjoy his music and see him in concert because this obviously brings you great joy and reminds you of the good times you and Mike shared. Do you have other friends who attend his concerts with you now? Perhaps you need to cultivate those friendships even more, so that you have friends to talk with about Mike and about not only the concerts you and Mike saw together, but also all the other times you shared. I speak from experience when I say that during times of intense grieving, your perspective and judgment about life is impacted. To be blunt, you might not be thinking straight right now. Be kind to yourself; give yourself time. Eventually, you will be able to judge certain situations more clearly.
Correction to the above: I should have wrote: He may not think that it is his place to be a shoulder for you to lean on during this horrible time in your life. Sorry for not writing this way the first time!
It’s Friday. It’s been thirteen weeks without my Bob. I ask myself if he would have been okay with the decisions I’ve made without him. It’s important to me that I do the right thing in honor of his life’s hard work.
Dear Norma….
Thank you for grounding me. Lately, I sometimes get ahead of myself and, as the saying goes….”You can run, but you can’t hide.” Is that what I’m doing? Living here now without Bob is so difficult. I’m blaming the house for it’s emptiness and lack of his presence. Sometimes, I feel a change of scenery might help. The “feeling” you had? It told me a lot. I think I should “stay put” for a time before transitioning to another place. I’m in this “rut of grief” that is very confining. It’s of utmost importance for me to do the right thing here….nothing erratic or “spur of the moment.” I’m not like that, anyway. I’m a planner….very patient and methodical. Thank you for seeing me through impulsive thoughts and finding my practical head. I hope your first anniversary with Martin brings you peace and love. Make it special, Norma! He’s a lucky guy. Love you and sending a big cuddle. “Mare”
Oh, Lori….
You always seem to know where my head’s at. Don’t ever feel you overstep boundaries. Good friends look out for one another’s well being. I’ve learned a lot about lawyers and banks during the past month. I think it is a law to have access for people with disabilities, but I believe if your building was constructed before a certain date, they are exempt. His office is less than a block away from me and he offered to visit me at my home knowing I couldn’t navigate the stairs. If Bob had been the one to journey through this process, there would have been a number of “choice words” for the whole bunch! He had no problem, at all, speaking his mind, but with fairness….a no- nonsense kind of guy, protective and a teddy bear at heart (he just didn’t want anyone to know that vulnerability….but I did!) I miss him so much, Lori. I know your “Saturdays” are my “Fridays.” Wish we didn’t live as many miles as we do from one another, but miles never separate good friends.
Love you….”Mare”
Dearest Linda,
I loved Norma’s post about the “nagging” thing. My dear mom once told me….”You can get a man to do whatever you want, as long as you let him think it was his idea.” It’s true!….and it works! Saves a lot of “wear and tear” on the relationship, too. Don’t worry about etiquette or professionalism. You’re with good friends. We love you just the way you are.
While some of you may not be able to post every day, or choose not to, always remember we are here for you to give support, love and understanding. When I first joined, I felt all of it, but what I didn’t realize was how much wisdom and knowledge is available here. All in one beautiful package. Each and every one of you is so special to me.
I find I’m living in two dimensions now….
BBD…..(before Bob died) …. and ABD (after Bob died).
Wish I had the “before” to have and to hold.
“Mare”
Hi.
You know what this is like? Everyone can be suffering but “my” suffering is the worst. Mark used to tell me stories about his uncle Carmine. He was a Sicilian Italian doing business in Chicago……Get the picture? He used to say that if you had a hangnail, mine was worse. I guess that meant that people had to plead for their lives back then.
Anyway, I hate to complain. But it feels so good to release.
Dear Marilyn, I am so sorry that you are facing obstacles like having to move, your attorneys and overall family issues…such as your sister.
Norma. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Yes. After Mark suggested Afghanistan, he stated that he would never be accepted because of his health. But the special op’s Marine in him made him feel strong again.
Nikki, thank you for your welcome and prayers.
Cheryl. Go for it! (If I think I’m reading the musician relationship correctly).
Finally, I am waking up in panic attacks throughout the night again. My psychiatrist and family doctor will be happy to know that I have a release other than them!
From February to June the panic attacks were severe. I have been prescribed various meds, but they don’t work. I hate this anxiety!
Is there anyone who can suggest something other than exercise?
Thanks everyone,
Linda
Hi again. I had better find another website or else you all are going to get sick of me.
“Mare- My most favorite aunt is named Marilyn and she and I look so similar. It’s most likely that the reason is my mother and my father married my mother’s brother and my father’s sister (Marilyn). Yeah, I know…..it was a small town.
Anyway, I spoke to Mark’s mother and she said the same thing as you and Norma. Make him think that it’s his idea. I am still trying to understand how to use my “feminine ways”. I tend to be a control freak.
It has helped greatly that I am now in my bedroom and typing in private on the laptop. Before, I would use the PC in the livingroom and I think I was too much in his face. For example, this morning he brought me the latptop and then made me an egg-white omelet and toast. It is like he is relieved that I am not sniffling in his space. (He is watching Star Trek Enterprise in the livingroom while laying on the sofa…..again)
Anyway, Marilyn, I am always here for you and Bob. I absolutely believe that there is another dimension where Bob is trying to soothe you. However, I feel badly for you that you are feeling so stuck. I have felt that way during other catastrophic periods in my life. For example during my divorce (it took over 3 yrs.) the ex fought for custody of my two precious children at the last minute. Mind you, this man never changed a diaper. I was in the PTA, head of the annual fundraisers, did not miss a morning of driving them to school, and they were dressed with the best clothes along with their home-made packed lunch. Then, I left him a scathing message and he played it for the judge. (The judge made us live in the same house which he locked me out of the master bedroom). Anyway, he (and his payoff money) won. Yes, I take responsibility. But actually, this man had tons of money and I KNOW there were payoffs. Doesn’t matter. I have been ripped apart by loss before and I probably will be again.
I would love to be able to give you advice, but the only advice that I can give you is to take as long as you need and keep talking. Get it all out. God knows I am. (Sorry ladies…..but Thank You)
Linda
PS I’ll take any advice on the art of manipulation through my feminine powers
Mare, my sweet, I feel a bit of fraud, I ran away from “our” house, back to my Dad’s. Martin loved the house, but it was supposed to be the last house we moved to. I suppose in a way it was. I couldn’t stay there, I would have ended up killing myself. It was very remote, no visitors, no phone calls. Nightmare when you are feeling very very low. When I was ready to leave for the last time, I said “Right Martin, I’m going and I ain’t coming back, so you better get yourself down to my Dad’s. In reality he’s probably hanging around up there, getting on his spiritual motor bike back and forth to be with me and his favourite roads. It’s different for you, your home, was your’s and Bob’s. It’s where you spent many happy years and it’s where he wants to be right now. The time will be right and he will move with you, but not just yet.
Linda, no-one’s problems are worse than your own. What may be a problem for me could seem trivial to you, and vice versa. Respect that other people will not always have time for you and your problems, just like they should respect that you don’t have time for theirs. No more talk of finding another web site, you’ve found the one you are going to need. As to your femanine ways.
Don’t make a big deal of things, sometimes men do things to get a reaction, or because they haven’t thought through how their decision will affect you. Accept Mark, for who he is, and adapt yourself on how to handle him. What has worked well in the past? Is he dominant in everything you do? Will he accept your opinion or are you always wrong, until someone other than you tells him the same thing? Does he have kids? Parents tend to react differently to situations, by treating the ones they love like a child, concern comes out as anger or I know best attitude because I’m doing it for your own good. Here is where you remind him you are not a child, by telling him he is reacting to you as if he were a parent instead of a partner. And it all depends on what it is you want him to do. Don’t fight a dominant attitude, work with it, you will know what needs done.
Above all be true to yourself. although it might appear you are adapting yourself to suit him, in reality you are adating how you handle him to get what you want.
Well that’s it for tonight Ladies, I’ve got a few bits and pieces to do first thing, then I’m off to Edinburgh for the day. Looking for books for my college course, and a new outfit for Monday. I feel the need to treat myself and look smart for my minus 1st wedding anniversary.
Strength and love coming your way for the weekend. I hate weekends too, it’s just not the same, no lying in with spoons ( I hope you all know what spoons is, but if not ask and I will explain). Still I have my DVD day Sunday to look forward to (I’m being sarcastic now)
Much love
Normaxxx
Going on 4:00 a.m., L.A. time. My mind is racing. I’m recounting “the events” once again. Feel compelled to, so I won’t forget. Afraid of forgetting, not that I want to remember. It’s a “mixed bag.” I’ll reminisce for a while, thinking of certain events that made a memory for us; then those last days take over.
Dear Linda, I’m so glad your posting with us. It means a lot that you’re here for us and please know we are here for you. Sometimes I feel I didn’t due my “due diligence” with Bob’s diagnosis. I’m sure you’ve read prior posts and know he was misdiagnosed for a year and a half being told he had a “fractured rib”….then pneumonia. The correct diagnosis came in on April 30th, one week before his death. I believed they were taking good care of him and they knew what they were talking about. They didn’t. Bob always told me I was too trusting and naieve’, but he believed them, too! I’m glad to hear your Mark will be receiving outstanding care. Very important. With you at his side, he can’t lose.
When Bob and I had an “issue” to discuss, I would most likely say: “What do you think is best to resolve this?” If I didn’t like his response, I would say, “What do you think of “this” or “that?” and let him interject from there. The end result would be his decision, but it was originally my idea! It is a man’s “basic instinct” to take care of his woman (and we wouldn’t want it any other way) but we also know how much they depend on us to take care of them. As the song says (and I’m probably dating myself) “Love’s a funny little game.”
My daughter went through a similar custody battle with her ex-husband and I know how heartbreaking that can be. He never changed a diaper, either, and she did it all…..like you. She had a total breakdown from its aftermath. It took years for her to recover (Bob and I were right there to pick up the pieces and make her whole once again.) Her son lives with the father and she, maybe, sees him twice a month at HIS house. Her face speaks every emotion she feels. So sad. She has since remarried, but I see some strain in the current relationship….she’s working (part-time) and he was laid off last January.
Thank you for listening. Yes, we do have to “get it out” or we’ll all go nuts. This is the place where it all happens for us. We feel love, comfort, strength and support. Linda, an apology is never necessary for writing/posting your frustrations, fears and anxiety. We all learn from each other. Verbalizing our experiences (as bad as they may be) keep us going! Isn’t that the truth? Sending you love, a hug and lots of hope
Hello, dear friend, Norma….
I thoroughly understand why you wanted to live with your dad. Of course, you and Martin could have lived in the remote area your home was in, but it wasn’t meant for you to live there alone!!! That, definitely, was not to be. Martin feels much better that you’re now living with dad. Trust me on that one. I’m sure he does travel back and forth on his spiritual motor bike, and at the end of the day, he knows you’re safe and sound. This brings him peace and harmony with you, Norma.
I look around this house and I see so many things that will trigger a certain event or memory and he’s not here to share it with me. That’s when I want to “bail out.” I know we all go through this.
Pick out a beautiful outfit, Norma. Martin will be there to see you in it. I know he’s so proud of you for what you’ve done since last December. Oh, and by the way, I know what you mean by “lying in with spoons.” I think we all do. Hope you have a beautiful Monday with Martin.
Love you. “Mare”
My beautiful friend Lori….Saturday has passed. Thought about you the whole day. Always remember, Tim is watching over you and the beautiful children you both created. Bob and Tim know how difficult things are for us. We just have to keep reminding ourselves they are at our side loving us and to see us through….without a doubt. Looking forward to your next post. Love, “Mare”
To everyone…..Knowing you’re here brings me serenity and the guidance I need to remain intact. I am thirteen weeks a widow, and little by little, , learning how to endure and adjust to life without my best friend. I realize things will never be the same. Never. They can’t be. But, through this maze of uncertainty and anxiety, I have been blessed having found all of you here to keep me going.
Love,
“Mare”
Hi My Dearest Ladies-
Corinne, I recieved your book(s) in the mail late yesterday. Somehow I mistakenly bought two of them. I looked at the box and purchase order and suddenly realized “there are no mistakes”. I am keeping the additional book. I feel that I may meet someone who will need it at Northwestern Hospital.
Anyway, I have the spent the day re-reading your book and laughing my a#s off! You remember me at 38! Do you know I will be 50 next year? I still live downtown and rarely travel out, except when I talk (fantasize) to my daughter, Alexa (now 20), about going to Hawaii -then on to Australia. I always want to travel to the other side of the planet. Then I just read your line in the book that wherever you travel, the son-of-a-bic*h goes with you.
Marilyn – You are having anxiety attacks like me. This is the worse feeling. Thank you for your advice. Maybe I’ll try it later as he is not talking to me. I have a feeling that he has read my blogs. He knows my passwords and he is also a control freak. But, I shouldn’t accuse him…I’m just confused why he’s in a bubble.
Norma- My prayers are with you this weekend and upcoming Monday. I hope you feel beautiful in your new outfit! Because, by all indications, you are.
I searched online for additional cancer blogs. American Cancer Society’s webpage is “down” but Livestrong has emailed me.
I’m going to get back to Corinne’s book. It is laugh out loud yet sensitive. Remember the day, Corinne, when we took out a legal pad a wrote down the characteristics of “my perfect man”? (I was so miserable in my marriage) That is Mark. We created him! (Although the ex ended up getting our list too, since I put the list in my treasure box, which I forgot to take). He gave away all my designer clothes to the Russian Jews! And, he told the judge that he could not “locate my diamonds”. He got rid of (or hid) everything before I had a chance to retrieve them. Doesn’t matter because I realized those were just things. But, it stung for awhile.
I feel so raw with emotion. My son is going to college in the next two weeks. His room mate came into town from Texas to here (Chicago) to stay with him and go to Lollapoolza (a big concert) this weekend. Anyway, I will most likely be the one to drive him to college to Columbia MO.
I am happy and sad…..about so many things.
Bye, Linda
Just picked up one of Mikes ball caps I keep on the post end of the top left of the headboard of the bed. Started crying over him BAD. It didn’t help that I went with my mom to a bridal shower for a young girl from church that was held at the church. I felt like crying a coupla times at that but couldn’t had to hold it back. I’m sorry heaven but I need Mike back. I miss him too much. Now to lay on the bed and nap a bit and try to get over the pain…
Oh yeah, hugs to all!
Hello My Dear Friends!
Well on Monday it will be one year since my Steven passed away on August 9, 2009. I am sitting right now on the same couch, in the same room, in the same spot where he went into sudden cardiac arrest. Tommorow at 4 AM will be the exact time (even though he was not oficially declared deceased until 5:30 AM) 4 AM was when it all started. I can tell you I still even after a year have a hard time accepting he is gone and he is not coming back. I have started to pack away his things for donation but each piece of clothing tells a story. I remember everything about where it was bought, where he wore it, what we did when he was wearing it. Not a single memory has faded, if anything memories of him have become more clear. This journey is so difficult as you all know. I have had wonderful dreams, and terrible nightmares of that night replaying in my dreams. My 10 year old daughter has tried to shut out the memories as a defense mechanism so I try not to push memories on her. This man was my life, and even though I am only in my 40′s the 22 years with him were my life. He is the only Man I ever loved and I am trying to figure out what to go from here. I sit at his grave knowing his body is down there and I just whale with grief. I feel so much better after I do that and I don’t know why. He’s in heaven I know that, but just knowing I am close to his body makes me feel better, closer. I bring him flowers, I sing our wedding song to him and I talk to him like he is alive. One time the groundsman had to come check on me as I had curled up on the gorund laying on his grave staring up at the sky and he thought I had passed out or something. So I am not a crazy person but I have so many weak moments where I just feel like a shattered person.
On the other hand I know he would want me to be happy so I really have to work on that this second year. I try to find Joy in the little things, but the Joy is hard to find. A part of me died, a big part of me and I will never be the same. The question is who am I now? Where am I to go from here? My faith is shaken and I still have anger. I pray for Peace and I have Hope that I will see him again one day, and it will all be revealed to me, but this journey is immensley painful. I am so compassionate now with all of you, and understanding loss.
So I just wanted to let you all know I have been reading your posts, and that I am OK. Love To Everyone! Denise
Hello All
I know I haven’t posted in a while & I have been checking in & reading everyone’s post but for some of you who know the “story” behind my husbands death its been a journey one that I am coming to terms with.
Denise I understand your pain as my husband too died of sudden cardiac arrest ( May 24, 2010) & I too am in my 40′s and we had been married 19 years but together 24 years. I also wonder how to go on after all this happened & even still why it happened? Did you ever wonder if there was something you could have done to prevent any of this? I do and although everyone tells me it isn’t I still wonder?…anyway hang in there
Cheryl I understand oh so well in talking to your spouse I do,too. Oh I know he won’t answer & i guess if someone did I would probably faint from shock….anyone it helps me deal so I say “who cares” I use to go to the gravesite but that got to be too much for me.
Norma Oh sweetie.. I am thinking about you today on your anniversary and hope all is OK… I can’t even imagine when my time will come how I will handle the situation.. I do know that in October will be his birthday & I am dreading that day.
Kate
Don’t you just hate when other women feel threatened by the fact that you are now “single” through no choice of your own. We can’t even imagine at this point (well not me anyway) being with someone else. So I hope Ruby and you too make lots of friend despite this fact…
Good luck to you.
I can relate to your post as I am in my 40′s and my Mike passed on to heaven on our couch. I talk to him every day. My folks think I’m crazy but I don’t care. Today after church I am going to the grave and give him new grave flowers for no reason at all except I love you. I found them for $2 in Walmart so I got him 2. He gets one now and the others later…
Vera
are you russian? forgive me but I’ve used a translator programme, if it has not translated correctly. I do not know if we have any russian speaking ladies on the site, but you are welcome here.
Вы русский? простите меня, но я использовал программу переводчик, если он не переведен правильно. Я не знаю, если есть какие-то русские дамы выступая на сайт, но вы можете здесь.
Normaxxx
Norma,
Thinking of you tomorrow. Rock that new outfit please!! Ask Martin to come to you in your dreams as well and enjoy yourself there. It has been the worst year of you life and hopefully you can kick the door closed on it and celebrate more joy in year two. I am sure Martin will makr the day in his own way. See you in Honkers darl.
Denise, I’ll be thinking of you too and saying a prayer. My visions of you curling up on his grave are full of sorrow but I know how good it feels too. Steve’s grave is in Melbourne and every time I visited it alone or with my baby massive rain storms or wild winds would lash the cemetery and I honestly thought he was telling me to go away, that it wasn’t a place for me, nor good for me. I would howl and promise him I would look after his other kids (my step kids) and our daughter and then beat a hasty retreat to the car. He was Greek Orthodox and I think the grave means much more to his parents who visit every single day. It’s their occupation now. I have moved back to Hong Kong and I feel Steve here more. He is everywhere. This is where we lived and loved. We met in India but this is where it all happened, just 3.5 years together. I am so scared I will forget things. It might not help you but know that there are other women curled in balls wondering why we have been left to fend for ourselves on earth.
Mare – I asked one of the special angels (a healer) in my life yesterday if I am moving too fast, that I feared I would forget everything to soon and fall in a heap. She thinks I am holding a lot in but she also said I do need to move on fast, that Steve wants me to be even happier than I was with him. My mum leaves in a week so I have booked a session with a counsellor the day after she leaves in case I do fall in that heap. I hope I can inspire you to find joy again. Your pain is so unique but if you want it enough, hopefully we can find ways to support you. Have you considered counseling? Get some sleep. Rest that lovely soul.
I took Ruby for a swim in the pool at our apartment today and yesterday. All the dads are there throwing their children in the air, splashing around having fun. I feel so self-conscious like they can all see “widow” written my forehead, thinking they dare not come near me. Actually none of them even know me and most of them would assume my husband is upstairs in our apartment watching the football or on a business trip. But one day many of them will know and no doubt their wives will be wary of me. If they only knew how much I just want Ruby to make friends with their kids so she has some nice playmates in the block. I moved in to this “compound” (think “gated community”) because I work full-time. I have a live-in helper who looks after Ruby all day but I wanted them to have fun downstairs with all the kids so I can limit them going to playdates in taxis. Here, kids are unrestrained. They sit on your lap in taxis and helpers are not allowed to drive so full time working parents have no option but to let their helpers take their kids in taxis which are very cheap. Of course it’s best for me to drive but I can’t when I am at work all day. So I am trying to maximise safety and increase fun by living here. This is SOOOO NOT the type of place I ever thought I would live and all the happy families are quite intimidating but I am sure over time we’ll find our groove. Ruby has such a personality that she’ll find her way.
Ranting, sorry. Love to all, Kate
Kate, you are doing so well. In time the other mum’s will not worry about you and Ruby will make friends. Your anxiety at the thought of your mum going home is coming through, but remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I don’t have the same sort of relationship as many of you have with your husbands. Martin isn’t with me, in fact I rarely sense him. The dreams I have of Martin (I’ve only had 2) aren’t pleasent ones. I remember him, and I talk to him, but he never talks back. Of course he doesn’t because he’s dead, sorry my little joke there, but you all know what I mean. I am beginning to move on, I know that tomorrow no-one will remember or even care it’s my wedding anniversary. That by all accounts it will be a tough day, and those phyiscally around me won’t even notice. That’s just the way of it for me. Because my strength is my mask, they forget how vulnerable I can be.
I know you ladies will all be thinking about me, and how I get through tomorrow. I take that love and it builds upon my strength. I will wake tomorrow with a smile on my face, like my wedding day all over again, and I will take my clothes I’m going to wear and it will reflect how I’m feeling, let those around me get the message or not, it doesn’t matter. Because I will know what it means, and that is all that matters.
Much love to you all
Normaxxx
Thanks Norma,
Very keen to hear how you get on today. Thinking of you as the day kicks on. I hope the sun shines on you and a few people make you laugh. Be kind to yourself.
Mare, you ok?
xx Kate
Hi all. What a crappy weekend. My day is also not so hot. This is interesting. Last night I emphatically yelled…”Mark you have cancer. I know it, your doctors know it and you know it too!” I was posessed.
It reminded me when, six months ago I talked to my shrink, (yes I have him with insurance and I love him..not that way) and I broke down and said …”why isn’t he going for treatment”?
Dr. Handrup replied, “he doesn’t want to face it”.
Enough said.
Love Linda
Hello my friends, Today is a very emotional day for many of you and I have thought of you countless times today. Today I am crying with all of you.
Norma, my anniversary was the hardest day to face yet. I danced with his urn to our song and cried and cried. It was a tough one. Love, and hugs my friend.
Denise, hearing from you again makes me very happy. Please know I am with you today in spirit and think of you often. I hope you feel my hugs, especially on this of all days.
Mare, how are you doing? How are you handling everything of late? Sending you special hugs also my beautiful friend.
Cheryl, know we understand what you are going through. You do what feels right for you. It touched me that you gave Mike flowers. Special thoughts and prayers for you too.
All my other blogging friends, please know you have all touched my life and I love you all. We are our own special inner circle of friends brought together to support, cry, rant, understand, and love each other.
Thank you all for your presence in my life.
Love, Lori
Thanks for the advice on my friend the singer. I sstill go to see him because I enjoy his shows and it reminds me of good times with Mike. Hopefully he’ll come around and meet people again after his shows. Thanks for all the support everyone. Hugs and prayers for all…
I always look forward to reading your posts. Been trying to “hold it together.” So many family problems to focus on, not just the loss of Bob, but my sister’s health issues, daughter’s stress and marital frustrations. My sister scheduled an appointment for a second opinion regarding both hips and spine, but had to cancel. She received notification today that her Medicare Supplement Insurance will no longer be affiliated with the doctor and hospital she is currently receiving care from and will have to transition to a different doctor and hospital. Don’t know if this is good or bad news. The doctor she was going to had originally told her she wasn’t a candidate for the double hip replacement because her bones weren’t strong enough to hold the prosthesis….then he said he would do one at a time….but absolutely no guarantees she would be able to walk again and if she didn’t have the surgery, she was facing the “degenerative” issue. Anyway, maybe changing doctors will give us a more optimistic outlook. Don’t know at this point.
Daughter, Rebecca, very stressed lately. I can see “little things” that weren’t there before. Outbursts. We had to purchase a new coffee maker. When we unpackaged it, the container that holds the coffee filter had grounds in it and the inside of the box was wet from water. She returned it, had to go to a different store to get the same one she wanted, and that one isn’t working properly. She exploded. Not like her at all….always level headed and calm.
Yesterday, we received a Presidential Memorial Certificate sent in memory of Bob from the Veteran’s Administration. He once served in the Air Force. We both cried as we framed it and put it on the mantle next to him.
When I read Jeanie B’s post, I also have wondered if there was something more I could have done for Bob. Being told he had a “fractured rib,” then “pneumonia” and finally the correct diagnosis of 4th stage lung cancer. I went along with the program; I thought the doctors knew what they were doing, but they didn’t. I could see he wasn’t improving. Maybe I just accepted what I wanted to hear. Could I have done more to prevent the outcome? Those thoughts cross my mind frequently.
Thought about you all day Monday, Norma. Please let us know about your “special day” with Martin. I admire your strength and embrace your vulnerability. You have such a beautiful soul. Love you, “Mare”
Hi Kate, Doing okay. Hard to believe you’re in HK and I’m in California. When I read your posts, I see how different lifestyles and customs are for you. I know Steve is with you on your journey and he would be so proud of you! Don’t worry, you won’t forget the things that are important. You’re bound by love and your beautiful daughter, Ruby. Your inspiration and support have helped me endure a loss like no other. Sending you and Ruby my love, teddy bear hugs, too. “Mare”
Lori, my dear friend in Minnesota…Every time I make that pot of coffee for Rebecca (not to bring up the subject of the coffee maker) I think of us sitting and talking and holding one another up. I bet we could talk about Tim and Bob for hours….maybe days! Our connection is very special. As always, sending you and your beautiful children teddy bear hugs and lots of love. “Mare”
Hi, Linda,
The crappy weekend is over and I hope the coming week is better for you. Keep joining in our “therapy sessions” here; you’ll see how helpful all of us will be. Denial is a tough emotion to deal with. Be patient. Mark is so fortunate to have your love and support. He may not appreciate it at times, but he knows where you’re coming from. Believe me. You have our love and support always. “Mare”
As Lori mentioned,
We are an inner circle of friends. When I first joined in, I had no idea what was ahead. All of you have kept me going. No one knows us better than us….our feelings, our fears….our loss.
I love you all….
“Mare”
Thanks lovely ladies from the inner circle, for your touching words and understanding about my and Ruby’s situation. I have a feeling my gorgeous, fiery, funny, chunky little souvlaki (she’s half Greek) is going to lead me down some interesting paths as we walk through life together.
Mare, yes our lives are so different and yet our pain so familiar. If I could click my fingers I’d have you round here for a cuppa and cuddle of Ruby. Rebecca too. I think this late switch of doctors might just be an act of God, or Bob. Let’s get excited about some good news. I truly hope your sister is going to walk. Remind me to send you the name of some special mushroom medicine that has taken away all my uncles arthritic pain. Ill have to ask my mum to dig out the name.
Norma, how did your anniversary end up? Let us know you are ok darling. We’re all keen to hear from you. Am dreading my first.
Nigh nigh xx Kate
It’s official, I’m no longer married. I had 13years and 113 days married to Martin, and 36 weeks without him.
Yesterday was awful. I can’t describe to you how I felt, but I’m going copy my facebook blog, so you can all see how I felt yesterday. One thing I will say, I’m single now, a single widow, living with her Dad, just gone 40. I love Martin, always will, but yesterday I decided it was time to move on. I’ve got 16 weeks until the next anniversary (1 year since he died) and I’m going to make the most of it, because I don’t want to feel like it’s happening all over again.
For all you ladies who felt the need to be with your husbands, even though they aren’t here, for your anniversaries, good on you. But it wasn’t for me.
I’m sorry if that all sounds a bit blunt, but I’ve had enough of this grief crap, I don’t like the vulnerable me, nor the crying me, nor the drinking me, so NO enough already!
Minus 1 but should I be counting
Well today officially sucked! I tried really hard to keep my spirits up. I got myself dressed in bright colours, even had my bloody Dorothy slippers on. Started off ok, I’m lying, it start of shit, sitting at the back door, thinking where’s the knife. Went up the stairs to have a shower and get ready for work.
Pendulum blasting all the way to work, put a smile on my face set me up for the day, NOT! by 9.30am I wanted to burst in to tears. I really needed a hug today, but what can you do, go up to the nearest man and say “hug me?!?” I should be going home to a romantic dinner for 2, with plenty of fine wine and tasty chocolate after wards. By lunchtime, things were just getting worse. Needed my man and all I could do was blame him for not being there. Poor bugger not his fault, but still had to blame someone. I felt really tired when sitting in the canteen, so closed my eyes whilst listening to music and who should pop up. Martin! Not for long, well not long enough, but enough time to tell him how sorry I was he isn’t here with me, how much I miss him but that I need to move on.
I’ve taken my wedding ring off and I don’t think I’ll ever put it back on, except around my kneck on my chain.
The afternoon didn’t start much better, just wanted to run home and get drunk, but decided to hold off. I’m home now and although I’ve nearly finished my first bottle of wine, I just want to cry, and cry, and cry and cry and cry, I think you get the picture.
Minus 1 sucks. My cat’s are 14 in human years, which is 98 in cat years. Bloody 98, we should be applying for a free TV licence. How do you convince them that your cats watch TV?
Off to finish my wine, eat pringles and smoke more fags. Tomorrow is another day.
Prayers just said for you an the others on here. I will never remarry or date as I could never find anyone like Mike. He was the only one that could get me. I think he’d be proud at how well I have handled things since he passed. I had a ncie time at crocheting yesterday. The only reason I am doing as well as I am is because I am in severe shock and don’t comprehend he is gone. I know it but don’t totally believe it. He’s become a fairtale character to me like Santa Clause. Love you Mike…
Sorry about the typing errors. Never post in the dark…
Haven’t been posting for a while, but have been reading all the posts. It is almost five months since Paul passed and some days it still doesn’t see real. I feel like I am living in a fog. Still going through my sons upcoming divorce and helping him out with the two grandbabies (2 & 3-1/2). Sometimes he is so frustrated and wallowing in his own grief, he just doesn’t understand my pain. Sometimes I think he forgets what I am going through. I know he is going through a lot raising two little ones by himself and working full time trying to handle everything by himself in addition to dealing with his soon to be ex who does next to nothing for the children as she lives with her mothers friends. It just seems since Paul died my life is unraveling.
I try each day to find some “me” time and think about the positives. I must admit that some days it is really hard. I still have people telling me that I am lucky to have had 23 years with Paul and that I will find another some day as I am young and have a lot to offer. This does not help – not at t his point anyway. I don’t like when married friends complain about their husbands – I wish I had mine to have annoy me at times! They just don’t understand.
I am thinking of transferring my position with the College I work for. Same location but a lateral transfer. Paul knew this was coming and wanted me to go for it as I needed a change. But, now, without him here for support, I get anxious about the change. I miss having him hear to bounce things off of.
Am learning new things every day that he did that I now have to take care of. Every day is certainly a learning experience in so many ways.
Thank you, ladies for being her to listen and letting me vent or rant. I never thought I would be in this situation so early in my life. But, I have to keep trying to move forward.
Bless you all, and hope t hat you all have a good day.
To Karen
I understand totally when you “hate” to hear about friends complain about their husband. I don’t think they realize how lucky they are that they still have them. Trust me friends and family will tell you that you will find love again & we are thinking “Really?” how can we even comprehend about loving someone else when we are grieving over someone that meant everything. Yes at 44 I never imagined that I would be a widow… i hate that word but like it or not it is what we are.
I’ve taken a page from Norma & its only been 11 weeks but I am trying to live my life. I still can’t imagine my life w/out him but he’s gone & I still have to go on. Its hard…really hard but life goes on & you can look around and see it. Yes I have bad days a lot lately but I cry and cry and cry and then find comfort in releasing all my anger (about Brian dying & leaving us) : frustrations (who is suppose to fix things around the house now?)
Yes he’s gone but not forgotten…today is an OK day (at least right now) tomorrow I may be crying my eyes out hey…maybe even in a couple of hours; or tonight…but right now I’m OK.. I take the good with the bad.
You are so right when you say everyday is a learning experience. Yes indeed…just keep moving forward and be blessed.
Hugs to ALL
JEANIE B
Jeanie B, Norma,
I am with you all the way. Four months on Friday for me. Life is only going to get better if I want it to. I will wallow and times but I am determined to embrace the unknown and lean on my family and mates and rebuild my life. My daughter deserves a happy home and I have the tools, I don’t have Steve in person but I am going to make sure he helps us along the way. I am 42 and I am not going to spend the next 42 years in pain. There’s an amazing world out there. I found Steve in it. I found you all in it. There’s more love and joy out there. Who’s coming with me?
That’s my mood right now.
Love you all, Kate x
Hello my lovely friends,
Another 24 hours passed and feeling better already typing away knowing you’re all there with your love and support. I want you to know I’m here, as well, for all of you.
My head was not on straight yesterday. Trying to straighten out the mess with the health care supplement plan with all the “disallowed” charges that were supposed to be covered with Bob’s plan. Sent copies weeks ago of the Will to them showing I was the executor/beneficiary…they said they never received them….so nothing was resolved. A lot of frustration, though.
Oh, dear Norma….Read your post. When I went through my first anniversary, it was just five days after Bob’s death and I was in such turmoil I couldn’t really feel the deep emotion I feel right now. I understand and felt everything you experienced on Monday. You want to move on and break away from all the sadness and grief. It’s just not that simple or easy to do. It’s like a house of cards that has fallen and we’re trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild on our own. Not what we wanted or planned, not easy and not fair. I guess all of us are trying to figure out how we sort through all of this without the person who made it complete. It took a lot of strength to do what you did on your anniversary. It certainly wasn’t the fine wine and dinner that should have been, but you were there for him….he was there….and that’s what matters. I ask myself everyday (every hour for that matter) how am I going to evolve from that comfortable life of 32 years with Bob to….what? I know I have to “find my way” but get stuck….like being in quicksand. You want to move but can’t. Always remember, Norma, you are loved and your place is here with us for now….for always. “Mare”
Hi, Kate,
Don’t we wish we could all “click our fingers” and be there for one another? A cuppa and a cuddle sounds mighty good right now. So, Ruby is your little souvlaki (love that word!) I bet she is just beautiful….like her mom! She will take you down many paths and I know Steve will be right there with you both. That’s his “little girl!” Rebecca has taken Bob and I on many different “adventures” (some good…some not so good), but there’s nothing like the love you reap from your child. Nothing in the whole world! You are blessed. I know your “plate is full,” but when time permits, send me the mushroom medicine recipe your mum has. I’ll try it and thank you for your thoughtfulness….love….and support. You can e-mail to: rkumbo@aol.com. Love and cuddles to you and Ruby. “Mare”
To all my friends….
Many times I stare outside my window and know…. out there…. you’re there…. going through similar emotions and struggles. None of us are alone.
“Mare”
My sweet Mare. If you knew me, really knew me, when I say I’m done with this grief and I’m ready to move on, I mean that. Martin may have been my soul mate, my love, my life, but he is dead. Dead doesn’t give you a cuddle, dead doesn’t take you out for a meal or a movie, and above all Dead doesn’t get you laid. You might find that a bit fickle, or like I never really loved my husband as much as you loved yours, but thats the truth of the matter. I’m a hot bloodied female who had a very active sex life with her soul mate, and I’ve not had fun, since 31st December 2008. Martin is just going to have to get used to the idea, that I am actively looking for his replacement.
Don’t worry Mare, I’ll still be around, but grief isn’t ruling my life anymore. Jeanie B, Kate, you now I’m here for you both. Its been 36 weeks since Martin died, and I’ve got 16 weeks to put this grief behind me before the anniversary of his death is upon me. I promise you this ladies, I will never feel as bad as I felt on Monday, EVER AGAIN!
Much love to you all.
Normaxxx
ps I’ve not moved back into a denial phase, I’ve finally moved on to acceptance.
This is the hardest part of it all….the moving on!! So much of his family was so upset when I started dating they figured there was some type of timeline, THEY figured I should be following….I know this much, there may be a timeline…but its different for all of us!! This is how I came to terms with it….I am 38 and too young to spend the rest of my life alone and I dont want to…I want to love again and laugh again, I deserve it and I dont think Lawrence would want me to spend the rest of my life miserable. I do know this much ladies, when I am happy I am a better mother, woman, employee and friend…thats just real! But here is the meat of the matter. My sweet husband was a big protector and provider, one of his greatest qualities, always made me feel safe!!! If I dont find a way to make a happy life and stop crying and LIVE, he wont move on to what is next in his journey. My husband had a hard life and he deserves what God has next for him, I want him to be happy! So I have to let go and move on so he can as well! I know that he is my soul mate and that I will always love him and I will see him again. I was so worried that if I moved on I would be turning my back on him. I was so wrong. I have found someone new and it is wonderful…I dont think about Lawrence any less, I still love him, this is just different…..but feels wonderful! Your husbands wouldnt want you imprisoned by your greif. If this last year has taught me anything, its that life is far too short!! Live life ladies, the sweetest thing your husbands could see if your smile!! Much love and understanding – Paula
To Paula: Way to go, girl! Isn’t being in love wonderful and don’t you think you have even more love to give to your new guy because you had loved Lawrence? It’s like your capacity for loving grows after losing someone and going through the horrible grief process, and I’m sure your appreciation for happiness expands too. I know mine did. The only timetable you should listen to regarding dating and getting back out there after you lose someone is your own. Just don’t marry anyone right away. Dating is cool, just don’t rush into a marriage. Dating is just what you should be doing – that’s how you’ll get to know someone new. And I’m sure all of our spouses who have passed on, would want us to be happy. And you’re right about the feelings you have for your new guy being different. Nothing could ever feel exactly the same again. Each new relationship will be different and stand on its own merits. This new guy will have qualities unique to his personality and character. He might totally drop the ball in some areas that Laurence didn’t but he might be better for you in some ways that Laurence wasn’t. You need to carefully weigh all the facts and all your feelings about him. I hope you enjoy every minute you’re with him while you’re getting to know him. Do you keep a journal? This might be helpful to you in gaining perspective on how you’re feeling. Sometimes new is wonderful and sometimes new is scary. Just protect and take care of yourself and get to know Laurence better along the way. Oh boy, how I remember those first feelings of new love with Brian – (sigh). You’re right – life is way too short. I’m glad you’re living it.
Corinne and all,
As I read through all the posts I get a vision of a lovely field of flowers, each so beautiful in its own way, but unique from the others. I also see a warm, friendly sorority with Marilyn and Norma functioning as dorm mothers (if sororities have such a thing.) Each woman writing in is so different, and relates to each person in her own particular way. The personalities are so strong, and the messages are so powerful….. seems it would make a wonderful book or movie, you think? This blog certainly represents a slice of life…. as real as it can get.
As an older widow who has been without her ‘other half’ for over two years now, I am at peace with knowing I had the best, and am looking forward to eternity with him. From my perspective, this thing we call ‘life’ is a preparation for an eternity with our Creator, and my focus is now fully on that preparation. That’s the kind of ‘flower,’ or ‘sorority sister’ that I am, but I know not all are the same, and I respect that. I pray for all of you, asking for blessings for you and yours, this day… and for eternity.
Jeanine
Hi ladies,
For some reason today has been a hard day. I think it is because I’ve been considering going on a holiday in a month and I don’t know that I can enjoy it – I think it will just make me acutely aware that I’m on my own.
I have had good friendship relationships with a couple of ex-boyfriends but now they are distant and it hurts. Its not as if I’m asking or wanting anything more than friendship – but it is now that I really need friendship and I’ve been wiped.
Before I married my late husband I had been the single mother… I had been somewhat outcast. People don’t ask single mothers to social gatherings. Now it is worse than ever. My kids are older and don’t need me, but I’m still the single woman with no social life and what few friends I have seem to be avoiding me.
What to do? go on the trip and get away even though it will be hard, or save the money and do something more practical?
I hope you ladies have had a better day. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.
All for now,
Niki
Hi friends,
There must have been something in the water last week, as I felt all of the pain (crying jags) that you were writing about.
My Mark is still alive, so unlike all of your grief I still get so mad at him and blame him for many things in my head. I get so depressed. It’s as if what will today bring? ( I’m not really mad, as I am scared.)
This week we will be getting more news. More to come next week. So far no “concrete information”. I’ll let you know….And thanks for being here.
Linda
After reading Jeanine’s post, (hello to my friend north of me) I wholeheartedly agree with her. We are all beautiful flowers….unique in their own way. I, too, am an elder widow and when reading the posts of my younger friends, I tend to take on a maternal approach. Daughter, Rebecca, will be 32 in October and I know there are young women here without their husbands left with children. What I can tell you is this….I speak to each of you, not only as a good friend, but to a lot of you from that maternal stance. I can’t help it….I just want to take you “under my wing” and nurture. That’s what comes natural to me. My husband, Bob, always told me when we disagreed on what course to take when Rebecca was trying to “find her way,” (OMG) that I was too easy, but he understood, because I am the mother (the one who nurtures.) He, on the other hand, was more level headed and “real” about the troubles we faced as parents. I felt he was wrong many times, but respected his feelings. As much as I don’t like admitting this, he was right more than I was. So, what I’m trying to say is when I interact with some of you, it may come from my maternal instinct. No matter what our age, however, you know I love and respect all of you.
Hello, to my dear friend, Norma,
The desire to move on and find love is very natural and logical. You’ve been through so much since last December. First, the move to your dad’s place (a good decision for now) and trying to put things in perspective. You still need time to think things through. I’m with you 100% wanting to share your life and love again and I fully believe it will happen for you. Be patient and let things evolve naturally. They will. In the meantime, you know we are here for you every day, each of us with our own contribution and perspective, and it all comes from the heart. Love you, Norma.
Hi Paula,
You’re so right. Our husbands would not want us to be imprisoned by all this grief….that is fact….and they would want to see us smile once again. I love to read that some of you have found fulfillment and love again. You just never know what is around the corner….life is not predictable. We just have to cultivate the beauty in our lives (even though we may think there is none at the moment) and let go of the “stuff” that is clouding our progress. Easy to say….but hard to put into motion.
Hope something through the day brings a smile to each of you.
Will end for now.
Love, “Mare”
Hello everybody,
I spend time in reading all the postings. Sometimes, I have to glazed over them because it bought back so many memories of pain and feeling disconnected when my Barry was sick. Everything had stopped…our dreams. There were only the pains, meds, treatments, the anguish, trying to survive one more day with hope. It is OK to feel lost, when one’s husband is still alive. Yes, it is being disconnected. I could only watch…be there silently…did my crying outside in the parking lot of the supermarket before going home and putting on a brave front and be strong…being there for my Barry. This Friday the 13th would be six years ago, that we went out on our first date in Meditation, Reiki and Tibetian Singing Bowls. I wished Barry a Happy Anniversary last night in my Sacred Circle. Like my Paster stated…that we gave each other such wonderful gifts. Without the lovely gifts of life from my Barry…I would not have travelled to far on my spiritual path. I gave my Barry the gifts of unconditional love, that God did not forget him dispite him being lost for 35 years of his life. Then he went thru the twelve steps and found his connected to his spirituality.
With Love and Blessings,
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly
Good luck Linda. I hope the news is so much better than you think. I really do.
Nicki, I say go on the holiday as long as you are prepared to branch out and try to meet people. If you are off to a couples paradise, don’t go. But if there’ll be a mix of ages, types and some venue options for socialising do. I travelled single a lot for business and usually tacked on holidays and I had to be self sufficient. It is often so lonely in big cities if you don’t know people. I quickly learnt to go where I had friends and forced myself to call them and go out. I never regretted it. But I also went to resorts and beautiful hotels and palaces (India) alone and often just spoke to the staff. I dined in my room more often than not and texted my friends from bars so I was busy. I am quite shy and self conscious in those scenarios so the result was usually the same. That said, I met my husband Steve while waiting in a restaurant for a colleague in Delhi and had the best 3.5 years with him. Now I’m back to travelling alone for work but I have a beautiful reason to return fast, our daughter. You need to be very comfortable in your own skin and with your own company to travel alone. And also a bit of a risk taker. Hopefully you are going somewhere conducive to meeting people.
Mare, thanks. You are so right about my souvlaki. Aren’t we lucky to have girls. I know they are a handful but I never thought I would be lucky enough to have one, now I have a new best friend for life.
I’ll get on to the mushrooms for sure. Rest up!
Lots of love, Kate
Hi Jeannie, this message is for you.
Preparation to meet your God can take many forms, being good to each other, living a useful and fruitful life, but above all a full one, and coming here to share your experiences as a widow, but also as a widow with faith.
You know that I don’t have faith in a God, but I respect that you do. I have lots of faith in myself, as I know I can always count on me.
I get a sense from your writings, that you may have accepted “your fate” that the time you have left here, are wasted years when you could be at the right hand side of your God, with your beautiful husband. Please don’t be in a rush, your husband will always be with you and he will probably help guide you in the years to come, until you are reunited in your God’s kingdom.
You are right, I am the other half of Mare. My friends and colleagues see me as the Mother Goose, making sure that everyone is ok, and helping them with their problems. Not always good when you are needing help yourself. Its who i am.
My start of my journey in to acceptance is working well for me. I am happy to begin the journey of moving on with my life, but I will never leave here. Here is where I can help others through the tough days, where I can continue to get the help I need and will always feel at home here.
So keep reading, keep posting and keep the faith my sweet lady. You have come so far, and yet your journey continues.
Much love
Normaxxx
Thanks for your kind comments, Norma — and Marilyn,
You both write so comfortingly and with such insight … you are blessings to all of us who come to this site for comfort and connection. All good is from our Creator, and He has given you two a generous portion to share with us. Thank you for allowing Him to use you to help us! I know you don’t believe in Him, Norma, but that doesn’t mean He won’t use you to help others. I see Him in much of what you write.
You are right in that I want to be with our Lord, and my husband, but I am learning to accept that God wants me here for now. Since He wants me here, I don’t consider this time “wasted.” I don’t like being here without my Don, but I know there is a purpose for it. Although I know that, I’m still struggling to accept living without Don because he was the joy of my life. I felt that I was made to be his wife, and in many ways I lived for him. That may sound wrong to those who are independent women, but we loved the relationship we had for 43 years…… and it got better as time passed.
I admit that I’m puzzled that God would leave me here, when He made me to be Don’s wife, but I am slowly learning to live without Don by learning to be joyful in my connection with Jesus: Before I lived for Don, and now I live for Christ. It’s not easy, but it’s how I survive, day by day, moment by moment. Some days the joy comes through my children and their families. Other days it is through friends: I’ve befriended several women who are alone, but have learned to be strong and joyful despite being alone…. I’m learning a lot from them. I have even found myself enjoying my solitude at times … and that is amazing. I now have time to read (including Scripture, thus more connection to Jesus) and to write, like now.
I’ll pray for you as you go forward on your journey, Norma, and for each of the others as they travel theirs. We’re all in training, being shaped for some purpose that we can’t understand. I’m so thankful for the blessings we all receive by having our journeys cross at this site.
Much love to you all,
Jeanine
The right reverend MLB – did you know there is only 1 Friday 13th this year? I feel your light. Nx
Nikki – you have got to go on holiday. A holiday is good even if it’s just sitting by the pool, drinking cocktails and reading a good book. Just relax, you have been so stressed of late, just relaxing and doing things for yourself, it’s probably what you need. Call your friends, they may be staying distant because they don’t know what to do, remind them you only want their friendship and you could do with a night out.
Kate, sweet Kate, what do you do, that takes you off on such wonderful travels? Don’t tell me I’ll only be jealous.
Mare – my other motherly half. Lets keep these kids in line and offer up the best we can. As I said I may be moving in to the acceptance phase, but I’ll never leave here.
Love to you all. For those having bad days, close your eyes for 10 seconds, don’t think about anything. Take a deep breath in and a slow breath out. Open your eyes, and I guarantee you will see a little clearer.
Much love
Normaxxx
Twitter: miraclady
August 12, 2010 at 12:08 pm
Dear Ones -
Some news on my book-
A WOMAN WITHOUT A MAN.
Michelle Vandepas did an interview with me on my book for her talkingbookstv site.
It is not on the site just yet but she JUST put it on Amazon.
Click on the reviews link and you can see the interview with me.
Take a look.
Corinne in person!
Click here:
http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Without-Man-Corinne-Edwards/product-reviews/1452846197/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
Do you have your copy yet?
Buy it here –
http://www.amazon.com/Woman-Without-Man-Corinne-Edwards/dp/1452846197/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1280154476&sr=1-1
Staying up with all of you every day. Lots of progress. So proud of you all.
Love,
Corinne
Fourteen weeks = 98 days, since I lost my husband, Bob. It seems like an eternity since I last talked with him or cooked his favorite meal. I thought to myself yesterday if I could have another day with him, what would I say or do? I really had to think about it. Would he be proud of me the way I have handled things here or disappointed? I do know one thing….he wouldn’t have wanted me to be so sad and lost without him. While I wasn’t as brave as he would have wanted me to be, I know he would understand why it’s been so difficult for me to accept his loss. The businessman that he was….we were his ” family corporation.” He was the head of it….we were his partners (in the most loving sense). Whenever there was “a problem,” he would hold a “corporate meeting,” things were discussed and, most of the time, a solution came to light. No matter what the circumstance, he brought sense and sensibility to the equation. He was stern, but fair and always logical. He could bring “calm” to a hurricane. I miss that feeling of having “my feet on the ground.” Maybe I depended on him too much. It was easy to do. At the ripened age of 65, it’s surely an adjustment to accept independence. I have no choice….it is what it is. I’m in a quandry. I don’t want to stay here any longer….I want to “move on,” but in what sense? Move from California? Live in a new place? At this age, I don’t think a new relationship is in the offering. I’m unsettled and don’t know what to do about it. I’ve lost that “feet on the ground” feeling that was provided to me for so many years. I guess after thinking through the options, and still not knowing what to do, the best thing would be…. not to do anything at all….for the moment. Tempting, though, to change the landscape. Very tempting….
I see my friends here evolving from their loss. Kate is now in HK rebuilding a life for her and Ruby. Norma in her acceptance stage to move on from her grief and sadness….all of us trying to plan and reconstruct our lives. We have to….there isn’t a choice! Your strength and dignity help me. All of you have my utmost respect.
Lori….I love you and I know what today brings.
Linda….Stay strong for Mark and never stop hoping.
Please keep posting, venting, contemplating, supporting and hoping. We’re all here for one another….an alliance of good friends…. and that’s what truly matters.
“Mare”
It is almost five months since Paul passed. Most days are okay – but I am still trying to learn how to live as a “single” woman again after 24 years of being a very happy couple.
Today is a “weird” day for lack of another word. I have friends (all of whom are still m arried) – have you gone on vacation yet? Don’t you feel like you need a break or get a way? I asked my friend if her husband just died would she be traveling on her own? And she t hought a moment and said, “no” I guess not. So, everyone is full of suggestions while their life hasn’t changed. She also told me that I need to get out more and stop hanging around my family. I told her it is not like I have a dozen people looking to go out with me – my friends are all married! She said “Well, you have to go out and make new friends.” I am still overwhelmed with a lot of “stuff” that I am sifting through since Paul’s death. Nurturing relationships i s not on my priority list right now. Am I wrong? Will I be alone forever??? Can I take time with this? I know I have read that old friends have problems with widows.
Just venting. Feel I am doing better, but things are still strange.
Dear Karen and to all that are so new in the lost of the dearest love one …..
My name is Mary. I lost my sweet Barry just a little over 2 1/2 years, ago. This past Friday…August 13th was the day that we went out on our first date in Meditation, Reiki and Tibetian Singing Bowls. That was six years, ago. It was the luckest day of our lives.
I fought about being in control of myself. I had to create new friends and surroundings. Our dreams and future just crashed. I spent the last two years empowering myself thru spirituality. I took a lot of classes thru my spiritual center. I finally feel that I have a new future for myself with hope. I found new friends thru my spiritual family. A few old friends still are around, but they are so happy that I learned how to move on instead of dringling away. It was like that in the beginning. Believe me…there were plenty of tears, shouting at Barry and God. Thru meditation and a lot of hard work on myself…I came thru. I found my inner joy, peace and harmony, again.
Since I am letting myself and my heart to be at peace and opening up again…I think there might be someone coming around. I drilled him. I have to be able to speak about Barry. He respected that and he respects the person that I am. Thank God!!! I count my blessings.
Whenever I feel the surges of feelings, I breathe in the healing pink and purple lights…letting it go thru my body…using visualization. I breathe out slowly thru my lips…the dark grey matters. Then…I bring in the white and golden light down from the Universe and God thru the top of my crown chakra and cleanse my body. I embraced my fears with the uncondtional love that I carry and let it go out into the Universe and God.
I took our wedding rings and had them made into a dream catcher. The rings are connected together with gold wirings thru each of the rings like a web. I had two leaves of gold attached to the side of the rings with our birth stones, Barry’s Reiki stone and a white stone for pureness. We will always be connected. It is only on the physical earthly plane that we are separated. I wore it as a necklace for awhile. A lot of people noticed it. Now, I have it hanging up by my living room window with the sun shining on it.
I have been taking ministry courses. I am in my second year. I will have one more year. I know that my Barry would be so proud of me.
With Love and Blessings to all.
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi there Karen….. I absolutely understand and am having the same experience!
Take care,
Niki
So how are you dealing with this? I spoke to a neighbor who lost her husband in December about this. We both are having other things going on with our families – my son is going through a divorce and is caring for his 2 & 3 yr old sons and not certain about his future with them and she is having problems with her 14 yr old son.
We both feel exhausted and to cultivate new female friends is too much too handle at the moment. She and I both talked and I feel better. I don’t know why people want to rush us to do things. I am told that I will never meet anyone if I don’t “get out t here.”
It is funny, I still have all the things I have to do before my husband passed and now have the t hings he did as well. I work full time, assist family, take care of a house, all the bills, all the “things” he left behind that I now have to take care of myself – a lot of holdings and properties – which I am learning how to handle as he did all this!
I am doing the best I can and don’t need the extra stress of my friends telling me what they think I should do.
I am trying to stay positive and take one day at a time. This is the best I can do at the moment and wish friends would understand.
Thanks for listening.
I am glad I found this site. I lost my husband on May 3 2010. I have been getting on with things as I have 3 children (15, 14 and 11). But all of a sudden I feel sad, like I am constantly on the verge of tears. I miss John. I have loved him my whole adult life and I am angry. Why did he leave me when our kids are still so young. And I am sick of the questions… When are you going back to work (I took 6 months off to look after him), are you going to take the kids on holiday, be careful with the insurance money. For gods sakes, I still have to pay the funeral and mortgage and it wasn’t that much to start with. I am grateful for the support I have received, but I wish some people would just butt out. I have been managing the affairs for years now and am not stupid, so why just because John died am I suddenly this vunerable little thing?
Yes I miss him terribly.I have dreams where he comes up to me and tells me it is all a big mistake, then I ask him if thats the case, whose ashes are those in the cupboard?
Coping with kids and readjusting your family group is hard enough, without all the rest of this rubbish. At least reading other peoples experiences makes me feel, ok, so its not just me.
And as for going out on my own, I can’t handle open displays of affection at parties. I still feel envy that others have their love and I don’t. So I guess I’m not ready yet.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy,
I wish I were there in person to listen to you. Just know that we’ve all been through what you’re going through now (in varying stages depending upon each of our personalities), so don’t feel like you’re alone, and it’s you against the world. We’re all here for you, especially for purposes of venting. Please, please, please take advantage of this site. Vent all you want. I really believe writing is a huge part of what’s going to get you through this ordeal. As for your dealing with well-meaning friends and relatives giving you advice, don’t be too quick to push it all away and characterize it as “rubbish.” You may think you’re handling things just fine (and you probably are, considering the circumstances), but what’s “fine” for you right now, is not what was “fine” when your husband was with you. That’s what you need to get through your head. To put it simply, you’ve been through a shock. And you’re still in shock. You may not think you’re in shock, but you are. Trust me, trust us. We’ve all been there. The mind does what it can to cope during times like this, but you’re not superwoman (unless, of course, you really are Superwoman, but I digress). You’re in a much more fragile state of mind than you comprehend. I think that’s what others are trying to get across to you. That fact that you’ve also managed the business side of your marriage for years means you’re probably better off than those women who left all those things to their husbands, but even so, you were going along, living your life, and then, WHAM! a huge part of your support system and life as you knew it has been ripped away from you. You’ll be much more distracted than usual, your ability to “keep it all together” has certainly been put to the test. Gosh, the stress alone is very, very hard to deal with. I suspect your friends and family are not only wanting literal answers to their questions, but also because they’re also trying to get a feeling for how well you’re doing overall. It’s not that they think you’re an idiot or incompetent or anything like that. They’re just concerned for you because losing your spouse is not something that happens everyday. It’s a huge thing to deal with. You might also be redirecting some of that anger and frustration you feel at losing your husband to your friends. And that’s okay. Do whatever it takes for you to get through each day. I promise things will settle down and eventually your heightened awareness and super-sensitivity about people’s intensions will subside. People are human and they don’t always say the right things at the right times. Obviously, not everyone knows what to say or do at times like this. You can help yourself by keeping the lines of communcation open and by telling them what you need in very specific terms. They can’t read your mind so now’s the time to open up and let them know what you’re thinking, how you’re coping, and what you need from them. Then they will be able to respond to your needs in a way that’s not so frustrating for you. I’m sure your brain is on overdrive right now with everything you’re dealing with. Keep writing. It really does help you organize your thoughts.
Hi Wendy,
Here I am, over 10 years since my husband passed away. I just brought my youngest back to college and was feeling extra sad. I found this website and began reading. I saw your letter and it sounded like me when I first had my loss – three children about the same ages. So I thought I should tell you that you will be okay. People will continue to “drive you crazy” with their advice, questions, and comments. But I just tell myself it is their way of saying they love you. My children and I sort of grew up together, all becoming stronger and more sensitive towards others. It takes time to become who you are without a husband. Try not to worry what others think. Be confident in what you know you need to do and make your husband proud. It is a daily chore but for me the children are what kept me going. I wanted our family to continue to be what my husband and I had always wished and sacrificed for. I could not let his death make that all for nothing. It is hard to find someone to vent to because even the kindest person really doesn’t understand unless they have been there. And you wouldn’t wish it on them anyway. What happens is you just get used to it all. You will take quiet personal pleasure in the inner strength you possess. Your husband will always be in your hearts. Embrace it. I hope something I said helped you because I feel for you. It is extremely hard. But always be happy for what you had. I will keep you in my prayers. Tina
Tina,
Thank you for writing …. your words are a comfort for me, and I hope they are for Wendy, too. I’ve been two years without my husband, and find that some of your words that resound with me more than others, especially: “What happens is you just get used to it all,” and “Your husband will always be in your hearts. Embrace it.” I find that I am slowly “getting used” to being without my Don, and am becoming better at embracing the joy of having him in my heart….. especially since I know I will one day join him with our Creator.
Blessings,
Jeanine
Tina,
Please tell us more about your story. I would love to hear from someone who has experienced several years without their husband. My husband died Dec. 19 from a heart attack, we have 4 children (25, 22,15, 9) we would have been married 26 years (together over 27) in June. I would love to hear about how you helped your children cope.
Peace, love and joy,
Lori
Hello friends, Karen, Niki, and Wendy I am experiencing exactly what you are writing about, you are not alone in these feelings. I really don’t know if I ever want to have another relationship. We were so very happy for over almost 27 years (25 married) and he knew everything about me all my quirks and I knew his. I just cannot see myself learning that about someone new. Maybe I am just still too damn sad and heartbroken to even let myself “go there”.
I’ve been really struggling the past few days. It started when my 14 year old was really sad on Thurs. then she had a horrible dream I died. She woke up at 5:30 a.m. Fri. sobbing saying she didn’t want to be an orphan and she couldn’t let go of me, she just kept hugging me. Her birthday is Tuesday and I suspect she is feeling extremely sad because her dad won’t be there.
I just feel empty and sad these days. It really hits me hard when my kids are sad. I just don’t know why this had to happen to them–why do they have to grow up without their dad? I wish I could have the answer to that question.
Mare, know I am there for you as I know you are for me. I love you too.
Love to all of you,
Lori
Thank you for confirming that I am not alone in this. Some days are getting better; but, still have some down and lonely days. I miss having him to come home to and share my day. I have no one at home, both kids are grown and on their own with their own lives. I am just left with my dog and my cats. T hey are company and I don’t know what I would do without them; but, it is still empty.
I feel for your daughter and it must be scary for her. I will pray for her strength.
Have a good day, ladies and thank you again for all of your support.
I share so many of your feelings ladies. It’s just incredible how we are going through the same stuff but never see each other or get to hug each other. This site is so therapeutic and helpful, but imagine if we could actually hug it out!
Wendy you are so not alone. I’m doing ok too. It was four months on Friday 13th since my darling Steve died in Hong Kong. I spent 3 months back in Melbourne rebuilding my strength with our families and am back with my 15 month old daughter. Things feel really settled and ok, but there are times when I just think.. what is this a crazy nightmare. Is it for real. I don’t want this.
I had a great bereavement counsellor in Melbourne and met with young widows and used this site constantly. I credit them all. I saw a new counsellor yesterday and wondered why I was even there. I think she did too but of course she found another layer to work on. She said I’m in coping mode. I just fear that it’s all going to hit me on the back of the head in six months time and I am going to freak. But she did say that we are all unique and equated it to our first pregnancy. We all worry we are not going to be able to cope or be a good mother, and we think everyone else does it better. But when we have the baby we do it “our own way” and it works. She thinks I am grieving and coping “my way” and it’s ok. Some people do fall apart, others don’t. Some people do actually enjoy life quickly, others can’t. I am going to try to not question my behaviour and worry less about what others think and what Steve would think. If I am enjoying myself, I like to believe that Steve had a hand in it.
Gotta go to a meeting. I swore I wouldn’t do this in the office but my network connection at home has failed, shock horror!!
Norma, you don’t want my job. I work for bank you would know well. It’s 75% owned by the UK government!! I travel around Asia marketing to men (not many women) with massive egos. It can be very rewarding but I just want Ruby by my side these days. I don’t want her to ever think our Filippino helper is her mother. That said, she is a happy, dancing, book worm so I am not complaining yet but I know I will long for her on my first trip away without Steve to rely on. I hope I can gain inspiration from you as you accept and move forward.
Mare, keep believing. You have so much to offer this world.
Love to all, Kate xx
I got the new comments in my mail and someone wrote a ncie Christian comment that inspired me. I sure needed that.
I had another nightmare about Mike last nite. He came back from the dead and I was mad at him for dying. When he came back to life, they gave him his diabetes and legal blindness from it again which upset me. Legally blind he started driving me in my car & I was so scared and telling him to stop and let me drive before we both got killed. I was in a mall with him and it closed on me with him on the outside of Sears and me on the inside. A claerk had to let me out and I was so upset trying to find him. Finally found him laying down in a restuarant on a bench next to a man holding a baby. I want good dreams of him and NOT NIGHTMARES. I am sick of them. When I go back to bed later I sure hope nor more nightmares. Please Mike honey…
Hello friends, Just checking in to see how everyone has been lately. Yesterday was my daughter’s 15th birthday. She really misses her dad and of course, so do I. It is really hard to experience these firsts for me, let alone the kids. We made the day as special as we could and she had a good birthday. I held back tears all day and did not let my feelings known so it would not spoil her good day. I think I went overboard trying to make it nice for her.
Hello to my lovely friends….I’ve missed posting to all of you.
To my friend, Jeanine….Thank you for your lovely compliment to Norma and I when replying to Norma’s August 12th post. When I first discovered this site, I was convinced that Bob guided me here because he knew how terrible I was feeling without him (and still do). After a couple months of posting with so many beautiful ladies, sharing personal and private feelings not confided with most, Divine Intervention may have helped our search to find one another. Since Bob’s death, I’ve struggled with my spiritual side, only because God took him at such a low point in my life. But, it isn’t up to me to decide who goes to Him and when. Your posts strengthen my faith and thank you for the kindness and spiritual healing you bring, whether we are believers, or not. We’re very fortunate and blessed to have you within our beautiful circle of friendship.
Hi Karen….
I agree with you wholeheartedly……so many people with suggestions, BUT THEIR LIVES HAVEN’T CHANGED. When I was younger, and heard someone I knew lost a loved one, I automatically would put myself in their place and wonder what their life is and was going to be like without that loved person with them. It was a fear I always felt within. I think what people have to do is really understand what took place in our lives….a life-changing event to say the least, and let us figure out what we have to do at our own pace.
Hi, Wendy….First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your husband, John. My husband, Bob, died May 7th. Boy, we’ve all been there and it’s not a place any of us want to be or return to. I, too, envy others that have their love and we don’t. You have so many friends here that truly understand your feelings and frustrations. Deborah’s response to your post was profound to me and it fully described what the majority, if not all of us, are experiencing. Stay with us, Wendy. As Deborah said, all of us help one another to keep our thoughts organized…. and it’s true. We bring one another balance and compassion with a true understanding of what this “process” is all about. Please keep us posted how you’re doing. We truly care.
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly….Barry is so proud of you! Your communication with us is so tranquil and unique, yet you give strength. Thank you for being here for us.
Hello, Linda….How are you and Mark doing? Please post when you can.
Hi, Kate,
Yes, I wish we could all meet up and hug one another. That would be a dream come true. Your writings have helped me through some very difficult times. Whenever you feel that “piece of happiness,” you better believe that Steve had a hand in it. Always look forward to reading what you and Ruby are up to in HK. Sending you both lots of hugs and love.
Hi, Norma….Hope all is well. Think of you each and every day. Sending you a cuddle. Love, “Mare”
To my dear friend, Lori,
I was so sad to read your beautiful daughter had that terrible nightmare, but I also know what a loving and caring mom you are. You’re so right, Lori, when your kids are sad, you’re right there in the doldrums with them. I’ve been feeling sad and empty, as well. As time goes on, things (emotionally) don’t improve. I don’t know what stage I’m in. Sometimes, I feel like I’m in outer space….not connected to what was left behind…. except for closest of family, pets, and my friends here. You brought me a smile when you thought you went overboard for your daughter’s birthday. I would have done the same, without reservation, for Rebecca. I know Tim was there for your daughter’s birthday. He wouldn’t have missed it for anything! You’re a wonderful person and friend. Love you, Lori
Having all of you to turn to means more than I can put into words.. I guess we are all, in one way or another, bereavement counselors for each other, but, most of all, good friends. When I’m here, I feel peace.
“Mare”
Marilyn,
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you find my posts helpful… I know it is definitely helpful for me to post them! It is great therapy to be able to write out feelings and thoughts. Again, thanks Corinne, for providing this forum for that.
I just returned from a two-day women’s retreat sponsored by the church my son and daughter-in-law attend. I went with my daughter and daughter-in-law and had a wonderful time despite several things that could have made it less-than-wonderful:
- We slept in sleeping bags on tent floors and had to use portable toilets and showers with limited water. I hadn’t done that in decades, and it was a bit of of a struggle for all of us.
- Out of the over 300 women who attended, I was one of the very few who were over age 60.
- The theme of the retreat was respecting and honoring the men in our lives, with the main focus on marriage.
- Saturday was my 45th wedding anniversary.
I went because my girls wanted me with them, and am so thankful for that. Surprisingly, I found it to be a very comforting way to spend my anniversary. If I can’t be with my husband on our special day, then the next best thing is to be with our children and their families.
Jeanine
Dear Mare- Thanks for asking about me. I took my son to college this week, then came home and cried for 4 days.
Mark is slowly making his appointments. It seems like this is a forever journey, and I am already burned out.
My daughter had me smoke three puffs off a joint this week, (I have suffered chronic migraines for years). Then my practicum came through and all I had to do was take a drug test. A drug test. I haven’t smoke pot in 3 decades. Now, I’m screwed.
I signed up for classes beginning next week. Need them to keep my mind focused on something other than stage IV cancer.
Mare, I can’t even bring myself to discuss his health. Oh this is funny, (not) I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday and he said, “you know that Mark is dying.” I mean really. I didn’t get out of bed for 3 days and just cried over stupid love songs.
Anyway, Mark is getting MORE blood tests, then another CT scan with contrast beginning next week. He can’t have an MRI because of the schrapnel (metal) from his gunshot wound in the military. It was mentioned that he may need to be admitted to Northwestern Hospital for several days.
So there you have it. I wish that I could thank everybody by name. I am honestly drained. I mean drained. I can’t even begin to think what is down the pipeline.
Thank you and I am very sorry that I have talked your ear off. And to think…this doesn’t cost me a fortune.
Love, Linda
Linda, I spoke with my ex boyfriend Nick and he wants Mark to know that he was told he had little hope from Bukitts (sp?) leukemia, with 3 sons, one a newborn. He was in isolation and had intense chemo and even a bone marrow transplant and he’s been free of the cancer for 2 years officially and working again. I don’t want to give you false hope as I said before but I bumped in to him in the street and told him about Mark. He really said he’d be so happy to talk to him. Maybe you don’t want to discuss it with him but you could slip him a note. It’s important to have hope right now. If I can help, please let me know.
Love Kate
Dear Kate,
That was so thoughtful of you to email me that story about Nick. This is going to be a tough week. On Monday ( at 6:30 am) we are going to get another CT Scan and more blood work drawn.
I printed out your message to have Mark read it. I am sure that he appreciates your story.
So, I will keep you posted as the week goes on.
Love, Linda
Hi Linda,
We’re all with you and Mark on Monday. Nick had so much fight in him and I believe he was a nightmare to live with too. It was all me me me. You need to focus on you, your health and sanity too so I hope you have time for “me” too. Sadly you are the one who needs to be as strong as Mark but in different areas. There’s so much he can’t say to you right now, and you him. Throw it our way darling.
Corrine, I bought your book. Not one, but two copies, by mistake. Funny that because I have a tendancy to buy something in bulk because I know I’ll love it and want to share it. So I have back-up and have so many friends who are having horrible marriages problems that I can feel the need for it already. I have read just a few pages and am already hooked. Well done. You are an inspiration.
Norma, I thought I was ready to accept, but I have had many moments in the last few days which have found me feeling so so sad. Reality has set in. Steve was one of the good guys. I always knew it and never took it for granted. I have always believed in karma and that good things happen to good people. I honestly can’t tell my friends who have terrible husbands that everything will be ok, that there is a better life out there. Is there? Of course I want one but I am just not sure life works like that. I look at Ruby as she sleeps and can’t quite believe that her father has been and gone. She didn’t even get 11 months with him. Just 10.5. And you should see how delicious, cheeky and perceptive she is. She’s going to want to know everything!!!!!
Steve’s niece had her first dream of him last night. She said he told her he was ok, that he was looking after me and Ruby and then he cried. Ok it was just a dream but it felt like a connection. His family are so amazing too. They protect me and want everything for me. I am lucky for that I know but I just wanted him. His headstone has finally arrived and is finished. I feel bad because his family asked for my input and I didn’t realise I selected the most expensive marble from Italy. Of course everything understated costs more!! Anyway, apparently it looks like nothing else, special like him.
I was reading recently in a book written by a chaplain who lost one of his three sons (he drowned), how odd even he thinks it is that we all die and yet in life we are not prepared for death, our’s or anyone else’s. In some ways I feel ripped off. We’ve had generations, decades, eons, to get this right and yet we all just live in a bubble until it happens.
Sad tonight. Love to you all, Kate x
I just found this site by accident. How do you ladies do it everyday? I lost my husband this past Dec 4th. On Valentine’s day we would have been married 29 yrs. His 61st birthday is this tuesday 8/24. He died rather suddenly. Perfectly healthy as of his physical 6 mos before. He had a stroke 2 days after Thanksgiving while washing walls for Christmas. In the ER he had several more & ended up in a comma, by that friday he was gone. Ed was my best friend,my soulmate. We have 3 sons who have their own lives, but I know are going through their own pain & for once I have no idea how to help them. They don’t talk about their dad much & when I do they get very quiet. To me it”s not all about the money. We didn’t have much, just enough to get by with a bit extra. I haven’t worked in almost 10 yrs & even that was a part time min wage job to help out for a while. I am now trying to get something the little money we did have is quickly going. But the job market is very hard out there for everyone let alone someone who doesn’t have skills & is almost 55 yrs old. I am tired of people telling me to “get over it”. I was told on Christmas Eve from a very close person to “stop feeling sorry for youself”. All sorts of people have said “you’re young enough, you’ll find someone”. Ed wasn’t an old pair of shoes that you can just go out & replace!!! I’ll somehow get myself together financially, but to find “someone else”? Why? When we’d have that talk about what we’d do if somethin happened to the other, he’d day I’d be fine & I’d find someone & I would always tell him “when you’ve had the best why settle for less”. That’s still the way I feel. I’ve been to a Christian support group although my beliefs are iffy at best & I intend to go back when they start up again next month. But how do you reinvent yourself after so many year & at my age? Ed & I did everything together. This may sound stupid but we really, really liked each other (most of the time). He was just such a nice, kind man & we loved each other sooo much. We had our problems but we always knew as he always said “as long as we’re together we can get through anything”. I always thought of myself as a strong woman, but now… well I’m not so sure. There are days when I almost think I may make it, then there are days when I’m sure I’m not going to. It just seems like everyone has gone on & forgotten & I’m stuck in this black hole. I try to do get out at least once a day to do something “normal” but then I get back home & it hits me. For his birthday I want to celebrate his life. We’d always have a bbq or something, but I know the boys wouldn’t go for it. For his 30th he had a gorilla, 40th was a balloon lady 50th a big party at our favorite park & last year for his 60th at the same park our sons, their wives to be, our 2 yr old granddaughter & the boys bf who was on leave from the Navy. I’ll pour a PBR on his grave on Tuesday but… I still can’t believe he’s gone. Am I crazy? Most people say I’m doing “surprising well” I just don’t see it. I just miss him so very much & I look at myself in the mirror, I look old. I never thought of myself as old, I don’t have that spark in my eyes anymore. Will I ever get it back? I am really trying, it may not sound like it, but I am. Ok, that’s it. Thanks for listening ladies. & I know Ed wasn’t the only amazing man that was lost I’ll be sending you all my good thoughts. Let us all somehow get through our losses. Thanks again.
No, you are not crazy. I sometimes feeling like I am just getting through each day – I hate Fridays, but hate Mondays more. Folks at the office saying – “Did you have a nice weekend?” And no matter what I say it isn’t right. They tell me I have to get out there. After 23 yrs of marriage it is hard to “just get out there.” Hang in there, I also am told that it will get better. It is hard to dream about a future now – by yourself on many levels – emotionally, financially, etc.
I am 54 and am also told – you are young, you will find someone. Do they know what is out there – it is scary!
Hang in there. Thank you all for being there and I pray for you all each day as I pray for myself.
Hello friends,
Mary, welcome to our group–thank heaven for our group! I am 48 and lost my husband of 25 years (he was 52) to a heart attack on Dec. 19. We have 4 kids (25, 22, 15, 9). You are feeling exactly like the rest of us. We all lost the loves of our lives too soon. People are so unempathic aren’t they? I had the same experiences and quite frankly cannot believe they said those things to me. I certainly am not in a place now to find someone else and I’m not sure I ever want to–but it is way too soon for me. We were best friends, I knew his quirks and he knew mine. We didn’t judge each other, just loved each other unconditionally. I feel like a piece of me is actually missing and I cannot ever get it back. I also hear “you are doing amazingly well” over and over again. I guess if you are not a complete basket case in public in front of others you are “doing amazingly well”. If they only knew. The pain of loss is so deep and unexplainable to most. Take care Mary, keep writing and vent as you need to. We all are here for each other.
Love, Lori
Karen & Lori, thank you so much for your replys. Although I’d never wish this on anyone, it’s nice to know there are people who understand what it’s like. Don’t worry now that I found you I will keep checking in. Sorry, but I may be a real pest. Lori, that unconditional love, I understand. I sometimes wonder if there is a God why does he always seem to take the good ones way too early. Your husbands were obviously the good ones otherwise you wouldn’t need a place like this. Know that you will be in my prayers tonight & for nights to come. Thanks again to you both for your good words.
Lori, I’m curious, have you ever written on this site about your parents. Are they still around for your to talk with? Are they some of the folks who are telling you to “hang in there”? Who exactly are these people who have no compassion for what you are going through?
Twitter: miraclady
August 21, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Dear Ones – and Kate -
Glad you have my book and are getting “hooked” on it. I can understand that because it is about US.
Probably, it is not a coincidence that you ordered two. Someone is going to show up in your life who will need to read it.
Speaking of coincidences – I want to thank you for supporting my friend of 20 years – Linda – who is having such a bad time with a very sick man
I NEVER mentioned this site to her. There was no reason for me to do so. She was not a widow.
She found it by accident. And there I was. I believe in coincidences.
I think she is getting more support from all of you than her psychiatrist. I am grateful.
Thank you all for sharing your lives with us. I read each and every post. I don’t comment much because this forum belongs to you now.
You might enjoy a new interview with me about my book that just went up a few days ago.
Just click on this link.
http://talkingbookstv.com/a-woman-without-a-man-by-corinne-edwards-author-interview/
Sending love, prayers and good thoughts -
Corinne
Dear Karen,
Don’t you just want to throw a show at people that say that? Don’t worry, time heals everything; you’re young and will find love again when your heart is open…..blah blah blah.
No offense, but to me the absolute worst is “HANG IN THERE”
For me…that’s the kicker.
Love, Linda
Linda, Okay, you’ve got me curious about what you meant to write above when you wrote “Don’t you want to throw a show at people that say that?” I know you didn’t mean to write show. What did you mean to write? This is driving me crazy!
Hello Deborah,
No, my parents are not the ones telling me these things. It is acquaintances, co-workers, people who know me through youth sports, etc. I don’t mention my parents because my mom has Alzheimer’s and my dad has his hands full caring for her. I don’t even think she remembers my husband died. I do worry I will lose my mom and husband in the same year. Our friend on this site, Norma, certainly knows the pain of that reality.
On another note, maybe Linda meant to say “shoe” not “show”. Does that make sense?
Love & peace to all, Lori
That’s funny. I read it as it was. I thought Linda meant “throw a show”. Have a throw down. Put on a big temper tantrum show for them. But shoe might do the trick too!
Mary, you’re right. You have found a bunch of women who want their beautiful husbands back like you do. It just sucks and no one else understands, no matter how they try. We’re in this together darling. So glad you found us. We need you too.
Love Kate x
Hi everybody,
It is amazing on how powerful this site have been. Thank you Corrine.
Things do get better in due time. It is about working on ourselves. My husband, sweet Barry will always be with me. I cry as I see as to how I helped him. That is the unconditional love. It is most humble.
With all the studies…I am helping to heal others, now. We can be whole again. We are not lost, left behind or forgotten.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi, to everyone….
I would like to welcome Mary and wish we were meeting as friends under completely different circumstances. My husband, Bob, passed away on May 7th from lung cancer. He was misdiagnosed twice by his doctor and when the correct diagnosis was revealed (4th stage lung cancer) on April 30th, he survived one additional week. Fifteen weeks without him has left me an empty shell. Truthfully, my friends here have kept my “head above water.” When I read your post, I thoroughly related to your feelings. I also had the best of the best and while I am so grateful to have had 32 years with Bob, I’m not moving on the way I would like to….not even close to it. Please keep communicating with all of us. There are so many beautiful and kind ladies here, each of us individual with the common ground of adjusting to a completely different life without the husband that made us happy and secure. Whether you are forewarned or faced with sudden tragedy, we’ve all embarked on the same journey….living our lives without the love of our lives. When I see that someone has discovered this wonderful website that Corinne has gifted to us, I am glad that another lady has found the compassion and comfort provided here. You will never be a pest. We all look forward to reading everyone’s postings. The more, the better! This is our therapy and lifeline to the hope that one day our lives will be better. We help one another because we identify and connect. When I read that some of my dear friends here are moving on, it makes me happy and GIVES ME HOPE. Reading the writings of those struggling (which is where I am presently) provides me with the comfort I need right now to know I’m going to be okay. All in all, we’re very good for one another, no matter what “phase” we are in.
Last Friday morning around 4:30 a.m, (15 weeks to “the day”) I had a very emotional hour. I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t want anyone to hear me, so I placed myself in front of the kitchen sink and looked out the window. I looked at the other homes on the street and said to myself…”No one knows the misery I’m going through here. There they are probably sleeping and will soon arise to a new day without sadness and emptiness.” I pulled it together as best I could because I didn’t want anyone to see me in that state. During that crying spell, I talked a lot to my departed hubby and asked him to give me strength to keep going and hold what’s left of my life together. I always considered myself strong, but of late I’ve had my doubts. When Mary speaks of that “black hole,” I know what she’s referring to.
Today is Sunday. It’s a little after 7:30 a.m. If we lived closer to one another, I would have all of you here for coffee, good conversation and love.
“Mare”
Hi all-
So sorry to have confused you about “show” or “shoe”. I meant to say I want to throw a “shoe” when someone has good intentions but say mundane things to make me feel better.
I know they don’t know what else to say. Plus, they don’t want to hear my fear, sadness and anger again. It is a blessing to have you ladies who understand the emotional roller coaster. People who are not going through the death of a partner do not comprehend this constant sorrow.
I consider myself to have a positive outlook on life and agree that things can and do get better, life goes on, and it’s best to “just hang in there”. It just sounds so empty when someone says to me, “just hang in there”. I have heard it a lot and it makes me cringe. Emptiness, sadness and confusion seems most prevalent these days.
Last night I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 9 pm. However, I would fall asleep then wake up in panic attacks all night long. This happens a lot and I don’t want to wake him up, so I take more medication. It’s like a dog or cat chasing its tail.
I feel relieved that tomorrow morning we should have more concrete information with the oncology department. I am ready to KNOW what is going on NOW! Whatever the outcome, at least we may know what and how to deal with this illness.
I feel for you, Mare, for your nightmare of continuously getting the wrong diagnosis.
Can I say something to you ladies that may sound awful? If the news is bad, I would like for him to pass quickly. Isn’t that awful? Just get it over with.
Love to you all and thank you for letting me ramble.
Linda
Linda,
I agree with the others: You are NOT “awful” to want your loved one’s misery to end, but I do know the emotional conflict you are experiencing. I think all of us who witnessed our husbands fight with slow deterioration fully understand and sympathize. My prayers are with you.
Jeanine
Hello Ladies, I am so glad I found this site.Today has been a hard day. I so relate to what Mary says. The black hole.My husband was diagnosed in March with pancreatic cancer and died June 5th. I miss him so. He was a teacher and had the summers off. He would go up to our camp alot so it has seemed like that’s where he was. Now that school is getting ready to go back in it is all to real.He was my life. We do have a daughter and three grandkids that are awesome but they have their own lives coming here to this site helpes me know I am not alone in the way I feel that I am normal.Sorry about rambling on but it really does help. P.S. I bought your book Corinne an I could not put it down it was so real and funny. Thanks again
Cathy,
I’m so glad you found this site, but sad about what brought you to us. I think you’ll find this to be a very supportive group who will encourage to you use us to help you deal with your loss.
I, too, lost my husband to pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed (stage 3) in March 2006. Through LOTS of prayer, alternative treatments, plus some conventional treatments, he was able to live until June 2008, and have several months that were almost ‘normal’ and allowed us to travel and do other things he enjoyed.
I have awesome children, too (a daughter, her husband and three children, and a son with a wonderful wife) who have been here for me, but have their own lives to live. What has really gotten me through the past two years has been my faith in a God who cares so much about us that He came to earth to show us how and why to live, and then experienced death so that we choose to have eternal life with Him. My husband is in that eternal life now, and I find peace and comfort in knowing I will be there one day, too. Until then, I live each day at a time, thankful for the blessings and asking Him for help to deal with the struggles. I count this site and all who post to it as part of my blessings. I hope it and they bless you as well.
Jeanine
Linda, Please know I am praying & sending you all my good thoughts today. Just because we didn’t get the miracles we were hoping for, doesn’t mean there isn’t one for you. And Linda, if the news is bad, you are NOT awful for hoping he goes quickly. I won’t give you my details-you don’t need them right now, suffice it to say, I, also had a similar thought. I just wish I could give you a REALLY BIG HUG right now!!!! Marilyn, 15 weeks is not long at all. When you’ve been married to someone & REALLY loved that person 15 weeks or even almost 9 months, as in my case, is nothing. & keep on talking to your hubby, I do. I still talk to Ed about everything it makes me feel better & I really do hope there is a heaven & he can hear me. Sometimes I can feel him with me. I’m not sure if it’s because we were together for so long & I know how he feels & want to feel him or if it’s really him. I’d like to believe he’s still with me helping me to plug along. You & Cathy are still new at this. I have a friend/relative who lost her husband many yrs ago & she’s told me it took her 2 years before she could feel better & even now she still has a saddness within her. I’m so glad I found this sight. Wouldn’t it be nice if all our hubbys were up there together, so glad we found each other? But today, ladies, is for Linda, let’s all send her good thoughts & prayers.
love you all
Mary
My thoughts and prayers are with Linda today,and everyone else that has lost there husband
My deepest regret, is just skimming through all your posts. I’m sorry for not paying as much attention.
For our new ladies, who have been lucky enough to find this site, Welcome. Here is the best place to start/continue/finish (if we ever) your journey. Vent, listen, help, good days and bad, rain, hail or shine we will always be here for you.
Jeannie, you sound sooooooo much better. I’m glad. Love and peace and strength.
Lori – losing my mum just before Martin, has meant that I haven’t really grieved for her. When she died, all I could think of, Martin’s next. I’d hoped it would be longer than 4 weeks, but there you go. I hope your Mum doesn’t pass within the same year as your soulmate. But realistically, is it going to hurt any less? I can tell you to prepare yourself, but no amount of prepartion will help. Be the strength you always are, and just be there for your Dad, because you of all his children will know exactly what he is going through. Love and Strength to you and your Pop, to help you through continuing tough times.
Know ladies, that I think about you all everyday. I read the posts, I listen to your hearts and I step in when I feel I’ve got something worth saying. I get sad when you are sad, I feel joy when you are feeling happy. Smile everyday, because you are at your most beautiful when you smile, and when you smile, your partner smiles with you.
Strength, lots of it, coming your way.
Much love
Normaxxx
ok ladies, i’m venting again. It’s Ed’s birthday. I almost thought I was ok. I woke up, wished him a happy birthday & went along doing my daily routine. Then all of a sudden I just starting crying. I keep having flashes of last year, gosh, we were all so happy! Birthdays have always been a really big thing in our house. Rick, our middle son is hopefully going to the cemetary with me later to give Ed a PBR (his beer of choice), but aside from that I’ll be alone. The last birthday in our family was our youngest, a day before Ed had his stroke(s). We were all together, Ed & I, the boys, their girls & our granddaughter. That’s the way it’s always been with us. When Ed went into the hospital I stayed with 2 of the boys and continued to stay for months. Since I’ve been home they all have disappeared. The oldest has been here once & that was only inside the porch like a statue. Rick comes around & calls but he & his fiance are always in need of a babysitter. The youngest seems to try but even he is a bit distant. I know they are not angry or upset with me cause when I do see or talk to them (usually initiated by me) they are almost fine. I think it’s the fact they don’t know what to do with me & that even seeing me makes them think of their dad which makes them sad. I don’t want to say “hey guys here I am, let’s talk” they should realize on their own. I’ve been saying for weeks if anyone wanted to come over today we could have a bbq. Noone has taken me up on the offer. I know they all have their own things to do but it’s dad’s birthday! We were always a VERY close family. If Ed is up there watching I know he’s shaking his head. I just want to celebrate him today! I will not force anyone or beg anyone to do anything! After my dad died many yrs ago on his bday Ed, the boys & I would go to the cemetary give him a beer (it’s just a thing we do) & talk about him. In the past few yrs it was usually just Ed & I that did it but the boys still remembered it was grandpa’s bday. I know I’m rambling ladies but today is very hard. I just miss him so much. I’ll leave you on a good note. We all have had a special man in our lives otherwise we wouldn’t be coming to this site. There are a lot of marriages out there that don’t have even close to what we all have had in our lives. The pain we are all feeling only proves the kind of special love we all have had. I do feel sorry for myself & for all of you for loosing that. Yet, I feel worse for those who will never know that kind of love. If I had known 30 yrs ago what I would be going through now, I wouldn’t have changed a thing (well, maybe a few more checkups for him) & I’d venture to say none of you would either. Thank you all for letting me vent once again. I think of you all a lot. Happy Birthday, Dear.
Mary
Mary,
A lot of people ask me how I got through the loss of Roger. He was a “bigger than life” kind of individual and had so many deep, personal relationships, that when he died, his loss felt even worse to me because of all the friends who felt nearly as much grief as I did. This was hard for me to fathom at first. After all, I was the woman living with him, sliding under the covers with him each and every night, listening to his hopes and dreams for the future, for our future together. How could anyone else ever feel as bad as I did? And this collective grief took on huge proportions. I won’t bore you with the details here. Suffice to say that even today, after seven years, people still come up to me at parties and express how sad they feel that Roger is no longer on this Planet, and they talk about the day he died and where they were at the time, like people still talk about the death of JFK, and they’re not just speaking words. You can see it in their eyes, such sadness. Perhaps, even more sadness than I feel today. And I don’t feel as though I’ve manufactured this as a reason to continue to feel close to Roger or to somehow still have him remain relevant in my life today. This connection he had with others has taken on a life all its own, and it’s self-perpetuated by others, some I’ve never even met, who write me e-mails and letters, still feeling the need to reach out to someone who might understand their loss. But their loss, in most ways, has nothing to do with me. Roger helped a lot of people and touched their lives in profound ways. I sometimes feel I am only beginning to understand what he meant to others, and I was just one small, (but hugely important, of course!) part of his life.
Now, unfortunately, it seems like a few more of my female friends and relatives are being forced to go through what I went through. At first, I hesitated telling them anything because their loss was just too fresh and I was afraid that they really weren’t ready to listen, but I’m going to rant for a while here, but I think for many of you, enough time has gone by that you just might be capable of really listening to how I got through it all. Please forgive me for this really long posting.
First of all, Mary, you’ve been through a horrible ordeal. You were traveling along life’s path with your husband at your side when he was literally ripped away from you, like some evil monster in the sky reached down and grabbed him. You’re still in shock. There’s no way any intelligent woman would expect you to be over the shock of his death in a mere 35 weeks. Does that sound reasonable to you? How are you supposed to rebound from his death in eight months? It may be possible for a small number of women, but I imagine the vast majority of women just aren’t that strong. And what’s wrong with admitting that? You had a wonderful partner and now you don’t. You must be feeling lost, even abandoned and impossibly hurt beyond imagining (and my experience felt like a very real, physical ache to my very core, like my heart had been stabbed!) That’s what I felt, and still feel to some small extent, even though my Roger’s been gone for nearly seven years. I think that’s a good analogy. My heart was stabbed. After a few days, how is that going to feel? And then, after a few weeks, a few months? Sometimes it feels like I lost him yesterday, and that wound in my heart will hurt like it happened yesterday. Sometimes I feel I imagined him in my life and he was never really with me, and my heart feels pretty damn normal. Isn’t the mind wonderful and horrible, all at the same time?
Anyway, I digress. I also don’t think losing someone is an either/or proposition. And by “either/or” I mean, I don’t think we should have to either “get over losing our loved one” or “immerse ourselves in our grief forever.” My point is you just don’t get over losing the love of your life. You don’t spend that many years with someone and overnight find the strength to go it alone. You just don’t. Nor should you have to. I really believe there is a way to respect his memory but also live a happy life. Building your own strength and a happy life for yourself while combating his loss is like cutting down a giant Redwood tree with a pocketknife. Very slow going. In the early days of my grief, I’ll admit I pretended Roger was on a business trip. Sometimes, this was the only thing that would help me get through the day. It was simply not possible for me to believe he was gone forever. Forever is such a huge and awful word. Later, I was ashamed to admit that I had done this. I believed there must be something wrong with me if I had to fool myself to get by. And that’s when I started talking to other women who had just lost their husbands or partners. And much later I learned that a lot of us do the same things in order to get through this tragedy.
I wish I had found this website much earlier than I did, because then I’d have realized sooner that I’m not alone. This “club” I never wanted to join, whose membership is incredibly supportive, can make the difference between lying in bed all day or sitting at the computer and conversing with the human race again.
My Roger used the phrase “baby steps” to describe how to solve any daunting task. “Don’t try to tackle it all at once,” he’d say. “Just take baby steps and nibble away at one small corner at a time. Keep doing that long enough, Debbie, and you’ll accomplish two things; one, won’t feel so overwhelmed by it, and two, you’ll head closer to the solution.” I think about all those baby steps I took to get where I am now. You can get there to. Just take it one moment at a time. Try not to think about your future as consisting of many years of never-ending loneliness, despite how easily tempted you are to do this. There is no “solution” to this “problem” ‘cause it’s not a problem to begin with. It’s not something that can be “solved.” Nor is it something to “get over.” It’s an event in your life that will have a profound effect on your future. His death will cloud your decisions and change you in ways you never thought possible. Boy, do you find out exactly what you’re made of when you go through this. You may not like yourself very much during the early days and you abhor the fact that you’ve been forced to go through this ordeal at all. You bombard yourself with a never-ending loop of questions: “Why me?” “Why him?” “Why didn’t we have more time together?” “Why now?” All these thoughts receive equal playtime in your head.
Now, I come to the point of this diatribe. Perhaps, after a year has passed, it might be time for you to take different action or nothing will change. Do you want to stay the way you are right this moment? If not, you need to fight your way out of this unhappiness pit. And one way I did this was to involve myself in activities that took my mind to difference places. Join any club or organization that will get you out of the house, and stop you from spending time with people who allow you to replay your past. Obviously, your heart won’t be in it at first, but eventually you’ll start enjoying yourself again. You really will. And you might actually experience big gaps of time where you won’t be thinking of him or his death. It’ll seem strange at first, but it will get better. I know all this sounds pretty unoriginal, but there’s a reason that comments like “Time heals all wounds” and “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” have been around for so long. They’re really true. Forcing yourself to get out there really works if you just try and keep trying. Give it some time in this period that I call “Phase Two” of your ordeal.
At first, I took long walks with my dog, forcing myself to talk to other dog walkers. I made a pact with myself that I would try to talk about things unrelated to Roger or to Roger’s death. I forced myself to go out socially when this was the last thing I wanted to do. I attended happy hours when happy wasn’t in my vocabulary. I asked people questions about their lives and actually listened to their answers, as if I would be taking a test on what I had learned. For a while, that was the only way I could pay attention to their words and not let my brain wonder to him. I forced myself to get interested in life again. I also volunteered at the local shelter. Nothing gets you out of yourself like witnessing other people’s problems. I volunteered at the library when going to the shelter became too depressing. And I became certified in CPR, and contacted the local senior citizens retired living center and became one of their volunteer drivers, taking mostly little old ladies (women vastly outnumber men in the geriatric population) to doctor appointments and shopping. These women, for the most part, all lost their spouses, and yet went on to lead very productive lives. In most cases, they lived 10, 20 or even 30 years beyond than their first spouses. Some raised children alone, some remarried. Some even helped raise their grandkids. Most of them traveled to places they could never get theirs spouses to visit. All of them seemed to live their lives to their fullest capacity. None of them let their lives remain in limbo after losing their spouse. One woman in particular, her name was Trina, told me she felt it was her solemn duty to go out and have as much fun as possible as a testament to her spouse’s life because he had never lived long enough to retire and enjoy his own life. She told me that what really helped her change her attitude about and after his death was focusing on how much he enjoyed his spare time, how much he really liked the weekends and time he spent going out on the lake near their home in a small speed boat he bought when his kids graduated high school. She admitted she had felt jealous of what she termed “that damn boat.” Her regret at not having spent more time with him on that “damn boat” spurred her on to deliberately choosing to have more fun in the years left in her life because she knew in her heart that if the situation were reversed and she had died first, he would have continued going on that boat and enjoying himself. She knew he might have been torn up at first about losing her, but his thirst for life and all of its enjoyment would have seen him through the ordeal. Maybe this is the lesson we should take from all of this, ladies.
Our men would certainly not have laid down and died if they lost us. They would have socialized sooner, dated quicker, and enjoyed life more. They would have had women snapping at their heels and scooping them up before we were cold in our graves! Maybe our survival instinct has been drilled out of us because of all the modern conveniences we enjoy today. I think men, for the most part, still possess that “kill it and bring it home” attitude of their forefathers. They still think of themselves as hunters who need to bring home the bacon. I also think this macho attitude is what makes them attractive to us in the first place. We want to know we can be taken care of, that our children can be provided for. The very thing that sometimes infuriates us about men is the same thing that attracts us. Despite women’s liberation, this instinct is a part of our very DNA. Why, then, is our first instinct after losing our man, to lie down and join him in death? Is it because, for the most part, we are no longer of childbearing age, and therefore, we’ve lost our purpose in life for seeking out and joining up with another partner? It’s so hard to fight our programming, isn’t it?
Mary, I read and then re-read your most recent posts several times. Here’s the part where I write the stuff that you may not be ready to hear, but then again, maybe I’ve misjudged your posts. Maybe you are strong enough. I know it’s hard for you to have any perspective on yourself. Heck, we’re guilty of sometimes our own worse enemies. I think the message I’m hearing from your posts is that your kids don’t want to be around you and you don’t understand why. You want them to come for a barbeque and celebrate Ed’s life and birthday. Then you write that possibly one of the boys will be going to the cemetery with you. I’m surprised that any of them would go. This is hugely depressing for a kid, no matter how old they are. And very hurtful. But not for the reason you think. They will see, yet again, how miserable you are, and they will feel helpless at being able to do anything for you to fix your unhappiness. And that’s what men do, right? They fix things. And boy do they get frustrated and angry when they can’t fix something. Men are very black and white and very simple human beings. You must have noticed this fact.
You also wrote that after your father died, you and Ed and the boys went to the cemetery, but that in later years, it was just you and Ed. Don’t you think that the boys would have come if they really wanted to? Boys work very hard to get things they want. And they try hard not to do what they don’t want to do. Isn’t it possible that when they were little, they had no choice in the matter and they also went with you and Ed to the cemetery to keep you happy? It probably wasn’t that hard for them to go since it wasn’t their dad’s death, it was their grandfather in that cemetery. So, the pain was sort of once removed. When they started getting older, they found ways to avoid doing what they didn’t want to do, right? They began to live their own lives, as it should be. They found ways to secure their own happiness. Did going to the cemetery really make you feel better or did it just make you feel closer to your dad? Is it possible that being there with your family and having everyone talk about him serves as a substitute for keeping him in your life? If so, is it possible that it make the boys feel the same way? Is it possible visits to the cemetery, whether to be with your dad or with Ed make them unhappy? Is it possible that they don’t need the cemetery visits because they don’t get out of those visits the same things you do?
Choosing not to go to the cemetery to see Ed is not the same as forgetting him. They’re not deliberately trying to hurt you. These “kids” have a huge part of their lives ahead of them and the reality is, you don’t. A huge part of your life is behind you, and you wish you were still living that life. And it shows. And they know it. It’s human nature to seek pleasure and shy away from pain. And I’m pretty sure the boys don’t want to see you in pain either. And if they can’t get you to stop feeling pain; i.e., visits to the cemetery, they can at least choose not to see your pain ‘cause it causes them pain, get it? If visiting with them and talking about Ed and going to the cemetery to be with Ed on his birthday will be greatly enhanced by the boys being with you, and it makes you much happier having them with you, then your going there alone, tell them that. Then, if they still choose not to be with you right now because they just can’t stand to see you in pain, then maybe you should respect their choices. They’re not little kids, right? Be the adult and the bigger person here. Understand that they just can’t deal with seeing you hurt. It only adds to their grief. It won’t always be like this. You and they just need more time. The further away from Ed’s death that you all get, the easier it will become for them to be around you. Think of it this way. What is happening in your life right now is not a permanent fixture, just a temporary rental. The time will come when they can be around you more on those special days, but you have to make them understand that having them with you gives you pleasure, and then demonstrate that pleasure by laughing and telling happy stories about Ed, and not crying. They’re men, right. That means you need to repeat and repeat and repeat that having them with you gives you oodles of pleasure and fun.
To all the grieving women: I think we’re worth fighting for. I think we should fight for ourselves and for our future happiness, especially when we don’t believe one speck of fight is left in us. Come on, ladies. Fight! Don’t let years of happiness with your spouse equal years of unhappiness alone. We’re better than this. Even if you spend the rest of your life alone, spend it actively involved in your life and actively seeking happiness and pleasure. Wouldn’t you just love to arrive in heaven one day in the far-distant future and be able to tell your spouse all of the neat things you had done and seen and all of the wonderful people you had met, instead of telling him that your life basically stopped right after he died and that you just sat in your room, miserable and biding your time until you could die and be with him again? If the situation were reversed, which would you want to hear about? I know men, and men simply don’t appreciate whiney women, they shy away from them. Don’t be a whiner in heaven, ladies. Be an interesting, happy person when you arrive at those pearly gates. I wouldn’t be surprised if those gates had bumper stickers plastered all over them, and one of them said, “No whiners allowed.”
Deborah, Thank you so much for this post. Even though it has only been almost three months since my husband died at age 52, this post hits on so many of my feelings. It really does make it nice to know that I am not crazy. My husband was a teacher and a couch and was loved by so many. In the summer he would spend a lot of time at our camp.I told myself that he was just gone to camp.Now that it is time to start soccer and school I am having to face it. I am trying to go on with my life without him it is not going very well but I think he would want me to. Your post really it the nail right on the head. Thanks agsin.
Oh Mary, why are some people lacking in empathy. All you want is company today with people who share your love for Ed. I’m with you honey. And you are so right. I have friends going through shocking, hurtful, disgusting break-ups. My heart aches for them and when they move to a new place or have a big day, I do all I can to be there and just listen and give them a practical hand. It amazes me how some friends and relatives have no idea how to help you through a big moment. We are all going to be much better friends and carers, but I have to admit, I thought I was good at it anyway. I didn’t need to lose my husband to learn how to care for people.
Yesterday I received photos of Steve’s new grave back in our hometown, Melbourne. I live in HK. It made it all just too real. His name, his date of birth, date of death, his photo, and a blank space for my details when I die! What if I remarry or meet someone. What if! Do I tell them I love them but want to be buried with the true love of my life. It’s all too bizarre. I am no where near imagining being with someone else, but I know myself and I know I will want it for me and for Ruby one day. I should stop pre-empting things I know.
Linda, I am thinking of you now. I really hope you have heard something encouraging. But we are all hear ready to wrap our minds around your ordeal.
Love Kate x
Oh Mary, why are some people lacking in empathy. All you want is company today with people who share your love for Ed. I’m with you honey. And you are so right. I have friends going through shocking, hurtful, disgusting break-ups. My heart aches for them and when they move to a new place or have a big day, I do all I can to be there and just listen and give them a practical hand. It amazes me how some friends and relatives have no idea how to help you through a big moment. We are all going to be much better friends and carers, but I have to admit, I thought I was good at it anyway. I didn’t need to lose my husband to learn how to care for people.
Yesterday I received photos of Steve’s new grave back in our hometown, Melbourne. I live in HK. It made it all just too real. His name, his date of birth, date of death, his photo, and a blank space for my details when I die! What if I remarry or meet someone. What if! Do I tell them I love them but want to be buried with the true love of my life. It’s all too bizarre. I am no where near imagining being with someone else, but I know myself and I know I will want it for me and for Ruby one day. I should stop pre-empting things I know.
Linda, I am thinking of you now. I really hope you have heard something encouraging. But we are all hear ready to wrap our minds around your ordeal.
Love Kate x
Happy bd to your Ed. Prayers for all…
Well, my friends, I need some advice and I don’t know where to turn as I don’t have my Paul around to ask any longer. I have been in my same position at a local college for the past 8 years and am getting bored. My position has changed over the past two years (as has my boss – who I might add was so indifferent during Paul’s sudden illness and death) that I am finding my days dragging and uninteresting – just what I don’t need now. About a year ago, another supervisor approached me and asked if his staff assistant left if I would apply for the position – Paul was a live and we t hought it would be a good change for me.
Okay, this it my dilema – I was asked to apply for the job – I did and I have a good chance of getting it. It is on the same campus, same pay, but it will be with our Museum on campus and is a very interesting and busy position. I am a little afraid of change at the moment – but think it might be good for me to have a new challenge and keep my days busy so that they pass faster.
Dear ladies – what are your o pinions? Do you think another change is too much at this time or do you think the change will do me good? Most of my friends and higher ups in the College that I have spoken with think it would do me good and I would be able to use my talents and skills much more than I am doing in a dead end job that is not challenging me at the moment. I guess I am looking at my present job as a safety net at the moment, the comfortable slipper that you just don’t want to get rid of because you just don’t want to break in a new pair or change.
Please give me your input. I appreciate it. I am usually a confident woman; but since Paul passed, I am questioning some of the decisions I have to make. He is only gone 5 months although at times it seems like an eternity.
Thank you for your support. I truly appreciate it.
Twitter: miraclady
August 25, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Dear Karen -
Remember the Nike slogan.
JUST DO IT.
(think about it later)
Love,
Corinne
Dear Karen,
Change is good…even though well meaning families and friends…do not make hasty decisions yet. I do not see where it would be an inappropriate decision. It seems that it has been thought out.
I put my house on the market for a short-sale …7 months after my Barry left this earthy plane. I could not keep going like nothing happened. I could not do it anymore.
It is the survior instincts in each one of us. We can make it with determination of living. With each struggle to live, to survive…I discovered finally after two years and seven months later…that I did not die. I am breathing in and out.
My Barry would be so proud of me. Our future and dreams crashed. I took a lot of classes to create a new future for myself. Let me tell you…it was hard. But I did it. I am a Licensed Reverend helping other people in spiritual ways. I am still taking classes. I started my own business in meditation and Reiki. I am planning on taking a class next year for Hynosis Therapy…to help people. My Pastor just told me that he is planning on offering classes next year on clearing the Chakras and the Past Life Regression. I have an understanding of Phobias, Anxieties and Depression. We all can be in control of ourselves dispite of what has happened. We just have to breathe in the healing lights from the Universe and God and release the grey matters.
Love can fill our hearts again. Peace will come back to us.
So, go girl! Take the courage to move into another future…step by step. Paul is always with you…guiding and watching over you. He will be proud that you decided to take the precious gift of life and live. Learn to be happy again. It will come.
Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello friends,
Karen, I agree with Corinne. My bet is Paul is behind you 100% and is directing you on this new path. Go for it.
Deborah, I so related to everything you said in the beginning portion of your post and I laughed and was thought-provoked in the remainder. I love hearing from you because you have lived through what we are just beginning. I have a lot to learn from you and I cannot wait.
Mary, You pour that beer for Ed and don’t think twice about it! My husband’s birthday was just as hard for me as our anniversary. I bought a balloon and some rose petals and scattered the petals at the base of the tree I planted for him and hung the balloon on a branch. I cried and cried that day and just wanted to be alone.
Mare, thinking about you everyday hoping you are doing ok. Love you.
Friends, with every new season I experience sadness because he is not here experiencing it with us. I love football and loved to play fantasy football with him (for pride, not money) and was actually beating him last season by 3 points. It’s the start of football season again and I have no interest in playing fantasy FB with anyone. I could not possibly care less to watch games on TV or when the actual season begins. This is something I have been doing over 25 years and do not find much joy in it today. Hockey is just a couple of months away too and I find myself thinking of what should have been and could have been with both sports –with our son and our fun rivalary.
I love and need all of you, thank you so much.
Love, Lori
Karen,
Isn’t it funny when you read back over your posts and see how you have changed. You will read this one in a few months and think “wow, I was asking everyone for advice but I was actually telling them what I knew was right for me”. You know it’s going to be so great for you. The comfort you need is in the school but it’s really just a new project or focus. The universe, Paul and you are going to make it happen easily. You don’t have time for a disinterested boss unless there are loads of other wonderful positives.
Someone earlier (maybe Lori or even you!) said something that had an impact on me. We are all told not to make changes but how can we not. Every day things are different, we have changed. I find myself wanting some new friends (mixed in to the old) and new experiences. I feel I have this opportunity to do things a little differently and as Deborah pointed reminded me yesterday, I need to show Steve I can laugh and have fun without him here. I’ll do it for him.
I have moved apartments and have thrown out so much stuff. It felt great. Yesterday I put our bed in to storage. It’s too high and Ruby is a monty for a massive head first accident. I swapped it for a lower one I had in storage. Ok, I kept our mattress, but only because I love a hard one. I was worried I would regret my decision but sometimes these changes feel good and progressive.
My healer, she’s a physio who also practices integrated manual therapy, uses crystals and is very spiritual is really telling me to put all the photos of Steve and his clothes away. I was shocked at first and I know that I am not ready, but I realise she has a good point. His memories will always be available. But I won’t heal if I don’t look forward. I am lucky to have friends inviting me out every day of the week but with full time work and a baby I adore, I want time alone. I am giving myself a few weeks to wallow and cry but at some point I know I must be strong enough to push off.
I have taken today off for various reasons. One is to go and test drive a car that I have always wanted. I figure I can take the sensible route or I can throw my little girl in the back of my dream car and we can dance, sing and laugh our way around Hong Kong. When Steve died I never thought belongings would ever matter to me anymore, but this is about him too. He used to have a car business and he knew his engines better than anyone and I love big engines so, despite my feminine side, we talked cars a lot. He loved my smile when he drove fast. He wanted to buy me everything although we couldn’t afford it. I actually discouraged him because his business was new, but just the fact he said that, made me feel like a woman with her protective, loving man. I know when I get behind the wheel of this car, he’ll be in the passenger seat saying “go babe, go”. I can hear him laughing now. And I will be being true to me and that’s what the second half of my life is all about now.
I am waffling, but Karen “go babe go”. I am right beside you.
Lori, I feel your pain. Nothing will be the same. Like sport for you, some songs are too painful for me to listen to but there are some that give me immense drive and fire. I pray you can find some fire power!
We need you too, a lot.
xx Kate
Thank you all for your support and advice. I guess I know that I need a change in my career and something to keep me focused – a positive change. I appreciate your “push” to keep me going in a forward motion. It probably won’t be easy – but, honestly, nothing has been real easy these past 9 months. It is getting a little easier day by day (with some set backs as I am sure you are all experiencing); but, I can smile on most days of the week now.
Thank you again! My prayers and strength are with you all.
I have a question for all of you. It has been five months since Paul passed. I am actually starting to have some good days; wanting to venture out on my own and am starting to feel comfortable with myself on most days. I have started to sleep through the night without needing any assistance, thank goodness.
My question is, I am sleeping better and my concentration is starting to come back; but, I still feel so tired toward the end of my day or at dinner time. Am I alone in this or is this normal? I never used to get so tired. I also am pushing myself to stay motivated and positive to help me get through the days.
Tina, Thanks so much for checking in and giving us all some hope. It’s so important for us all to know how we may possibly feel in years to come. My husband Steve left me with a 10 month old baby girl. I am very close to his two other children aged 10 and 12, although they are in Australia but stay with us a lot and hopefully will in the future. I would treasure any thing you have to say on how you made your children understand and cope without a father. I watch my daughter sleeping and often cry about how unfair it is that she won’t have the upbringing I had. I know I can make her life happy but there are going to be times when I am just as unhappy that he is not here and I am worried I won’t have the strength to pull it all together for her. But I suppose mothers have an inner strength. Any words of wisdom would be great.
Karen – yes, so so much more tired. You are not alone.
xx Kate
Dear wonderful, beautiful ladies,
My heart melted when I was sent prayers from some of you. I feel like a fake. I mean…I’m not. But Mark and I went to get all the tests done, and after 6 hours of this test and that test….nothing was concrete! They did not use contrast on his CT scan and the blood test were not any different.
Then I snapped. I can’t take the pressure anymore. I had prayed to my guardian angel….please just give me answers. Well, I’m back to square one and so is he. However, thanks to the wonderful President Obama, now I get it. Health care will never be the same.
He is pre-certified now and has a slew of tests starting next week and then the first week in September. I will know answers eventually.
I just felt so guilty that you all extended your love and prayers and I didn’t know how to respond after I did not have any answers.
So, please let me pray for you. When I need to be acknowledged for strength, believe me I will ask.
Love you,
Linda
Linda, You NEVER have to appologize! You did NOTHING wrong! You are going through a terrible time & my prayers will continue to be with you & Mark. You have every right to “snap”. They say we’re not given any more than we can handle. I guess they must be right, cause we are all still standing. That’s all you can really ask for at this time. Give Mark a big hug from us. Love to you, Mary
The summer is quickly coming to a close and I am dreading the fall with all the holidays! How do we get through them? I would love to bury myself and not face all the hoopla; but then I have grandchildren that are going through a divorce and don’t want to ruin their holiday. I pray for strength every day. The media is beginning to get their hype going for the holidays and I don’t seem like I have the energy for it.
Hi Karen,
I think all of that have experience this kind of loss are going through the same thoughts about holidays and coping and relationships with friends and family. It has only been 4 months for me and I miss Dennis terribly every day. I don’t think I have slept through the night since he died. I sold his motorcycle and I thought it would just kill me to see it go away to someone else. A few weeks ago I found a birthday present and card for me in his drawer. The card said “I told you I would never forget your birthday.’” With it was a little box with a diamond crucifix. It was like he was here and knew I needed to hear from him. My birthday was May 15 and he died on May 17. I say to myself often, when will this broken heart begin to heal. I don’t know. Some days everything goes well and then in a moment I am in tears. I guess that is normal or so I am told. I have decided that I couldn’t stay in the house by myself anymore. I smell his cologne when I sit in his big leather chair. I sleep in his t shirts and wish he were here every moment. No more bear hugs, no more closeness and holding him when we would ride his motorcycle. Now I ride by myself often with tears running down my cheeks and wishing he were beside me. I have accepted a new job in a different state and will begin that 2 weeks from now. I bought a new car and know that I need to get out of the house. I don’t know what to say about the holidays and I am trying not to think about them.
I know it is hard to get out of the house by yourself. Although i did it when Paul was around often, it somehow seems so different. I guess it is the thought of coming home to an empty house.
I am right with you. Stay strong – I don’t know what else to say, I am trying to do the best I can – some days better than others.
Hello friends,
I, too, am dreading the holidays and if I didn’t have children to think about I would crawl into bed and come out in 2011. My husband died Dec. 19, 2009. The holidays last year were a blur that I just wanted to be over. There was a huge sad, empty feeling in the first place because he died so quickly (heart attack) with no prior warning signs and his funeral was Dec. 23rd, so the holidays were like we were in a dream state on autopilot. I am dreading this year because we loved the holidays and decorating and he made the whole house–inside and out–look amazing. I think the kids will be disappointed if I don’t do the same thing. I just keep thinking he would have wanted those lights up and it’s something the kids look forward to each year. I need to stay strong for them so they have a nice holiday. Like Karen said, some days are better than others.
Love to all, Lori
Lori, thank you for your input. My Paul died suddenly t his past March from heart disease also. I just keep praying that this empty feeling goes away. Some days are better but I wonder if I am just kidding myself on those days and the days I hurt are the reality. I miss him so much it hurts and no one understands. (or so I feel) My sister keeps saying to me what makes you think my life is so great because I have my husband? I could strangle her as she doesn’t understand.
Thank you for listening tome vent. Just having a blue few days.
Hi Karen, It is an empty feeling isn’t it? Weekends I am thrust into the lonliness more than weekdays. I find I have little energy at the end of the days too, it’s crazy. Some days I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. We carry so much on our shoulders, who wouldn’t be tired.
Love, Lori
Dear Mary & everyone who blesses me (and those who don’t know me)
Thank you so much for you prayers and acceptance. You have no idea how accepted I feel.
It makes me think that I ought to start a similar blog for women who are going through the messiness of a spouse’s terminal illness, but, as Corinne would say, are in the belly of the whale.
It’s like being stuck in limbo and both the spouse with the illness, and the spouse who is the care-giver are able to purge their frustrations. I just broke up our relationship I believe it’s because I do not want to endure the illness.
We will most likely stay together (I’m not that much of a bitch) but I despise him for all of my pain. How selfish is that? Yes, it’s all about me. (I’m being sarcastic)
Anyway, I am in total pissed off mode now. I asked my guardian angel to give me answers this week, and I got nada. Oh well, maybe I should talk to Corinne about starting a blog for frustrated partners who have no answers.
Thanks again Mary and all of you that are too many to remember right now,
Linda
Twitter: miraclady
August 29, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Dear Ones -
When my husband had his first surgery for prostate cancer from a renowned surgeon, I was told.
This has spread all over. Be prepared. He has a maximum of 18 months.
He lived five years. Not well. But he was there. He went to work through 57 radiation treatments. Every day. Then, the last six months – went straight down. The end was terrible. Lost over 100 pounds. There was not enough morphine in the world to help the pain.
It taught me one important truth.
Never bury anyone until they die.
Corinne and all,
I agree with you, Corinne. When my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer most everyone we came in contact with in the medical system treated him like he was almost dead. There were a few outstanding exceptions, and we cherished them. The prognosis was six months and he lived two years beyond that…. and he had many good days during those two years, when he was able to avoid going to the medical center. Just being in the medical center would put him in a tailspin because of the prevalent attitude there. I told several of them that they were killing his hope, but it didn’t seem to make any difference to them. They thought it important to “be realistic.” In essence, they were trying to ‘bury him before he was dead,’ and that is so wrong!
Jeanine
Lori,
Look what you’re doing to yourself. You’re already starting to dread the holidays and it’s only the end of August. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, okay? Why do you want to make yourself even more miserable about the holidays by starting in on yourself this early? Won’t they be miserable enough in December without your dwelling now on how miserable you’ll be then? I repeat: Look at what you’re doing to yourself, girl! And don’t assume the kids will want this or expect that or be disappointed if you don’t deck the halls to the ninth degree during Christmas. Why not just ask them what they want and if they want some decorations, then suggest a time for everyone to gather and put up those decorations. Don’t do it alone. That’s a recipe for disaster (and loneliness and depression, etc., etc., etc.) Start a new tradition where everyone gathers together a few days or a few weeks before Christmas to decorate the house, share a meal, talk about great Christmases past. Why not take advantage of this new gathering this coming December by asking them at that time to think of some new traditions that can be put into place for the 2011-2012 holidays. Then you’ll all have something to look forward to year after next.
Evening Ladies -looks like there has been a few bad days recently, and although I don’t want to add to them I’ve got something share, but first…..
Holiday time – make it just that. I’m going to try. Martin died on the 1st December – world Aids Day – I’ve already renamed it Martin woz ‘ere day, and I’ll be wearing a ribbon of cornflower blue, instead of red. He was cremated on the 7th December, the day after my 40th birthday. So this year I will be having a belated 40th birthday party on the 4th of December, to celebrate my new decade, and to wish Martin a happy afterlife.
New beginnings – scary or what? For those who have decided to take the journey of new beginnings (new car, new job, new man), best of luck. It’s all part of what we need to do to get through this tough time. Journey’s alone. When I got my passport, my first ever, it upset me because it was mine only, and not one for each of us. But Martin doesn’t need a passport now, he can go where-ever I choose to take him. Ha, ha, ha – now I can take him shopping and he won’t moan!
Giving up is how some will see it Linda, but lets face it, you must do what is best for you, because it does come down to you. You will need to pick up the pieces no matter what happens, whether you see Mark through his illness as his partner or as his friend. Good Luck, Linda, we love you regardless.
I cried a lot this weekend. I’m trying hard to move on, but it’s not as easy as I hoped. I know I’ll need to give it a bit more time, but each day as it comes. one step forward, one day at a time.
You must forgive me for not stopping by so often, but I’m finding it difficult trying to get through all your posts.
Love, and strength to you all.
Much love
Normaxxx
Yoo hoo.. I’m feeling like everyone has gone quiet.
I had such a busy day today in typhoon rains in HK… I went to work, unable to get a taxi so I called in a favour and got a work driver to pick me up (guilt ridden), then had to leave work (guilt ridden) to pick up Ruby and my helper to take them to a new playgroup which, having hiked my 13kg (still not walking independantly) daughter up 4 flights of stairs in high heels, 32 degrees and 100% humidity, was full of yummy mummies in their shorts, sandles, minimal make-up and relaxed states. I was so out of place in my pearls and heels (guilt ridden working mum) but fortunately one mum came over saying she recognised my daughter from our swimming pool at home and said that most of the mum’s were all from our residential apartments. I left Ruby and our helper (guilt ridden) there (I mean what good am I at playdough and crouching on a chair the size of my handbag, with prohibitive joint ache from pregnancy weight that I still haven’t lost, and a neckline that, when I bend down to look after Ruby makes me think that some women must think I am trying to pick up when I am far from it, nor are they even thinking it) and raced back to the office dripping wet from rain and sweat and tears of joy that I had unwittingly placed Ruby in the absolute right space… out of all the playgroups in HK I managed to fight to get her in to one recommended by a friend that, unbeknown to me, was full of kids from our residential block. The mum who introduced herself to me said she met Ruby at our pool and said ‘she’s a big girl’. I said yes, her father “was” tall, I mean he died. It’s so weird, I have this huge desire to tell people when it’s almost irrelevant but Iwant to tell them but often can’t cope with their reactions. She was really upset and quickly went into ‘how can i help mode’ and said she would drop her contact details in our letterbox.. they live 30 floors above us and her daughter is the same age as Ruby.
I know I am ranting but I just felt so challenged and yet so rewarded and can only think that Steve was making all that happen. Which was why, when I went back to work (wet and guilt ridden) I was choked up with tears and wondering whether I was happy or sad. I couldn’t even decide what i was.
Do any of you feel that you have so many amazing people in your life but if you let them in, they may stir up too many emotions?
Today, two friends dropped in to see me at work. One was an old and dear girlfriend who knows me so well and all she did was tell me how much she wants to get me fit. To the point that I felt like she was coming on a mercy mission to save a whale and save me from my demise. The other was a colleague from Korea, who came to give her condolences and had so much time to listen and care and tell me how her cousin, a new father, had died in a car accident, that i was just blown away by her time and empathy. And last night, we had a dinner for clients as part of a conference I was running and one of my new colleagues said ‘so what’s your story’ and I thought ‘you asked, you’ll get it’ and I told her the truth and her reaction was so real, she was so gutted that I burst in to tears at the table. She was so shocked so she asked for my number so she could get all her girlfriend to look after me. I assured her that wasn’t necessary, that I had a big group of friends and as a result of my sharing she said now it’s my turn and told me her colorful story. There is, I mean it, there is a moral to all this. The more you share, the more the world responds and gives back. I think I am just scared to share too much, in fear of the tidal wave of support.
Hello friends, I was just thinking the same thing this morning Kate–where is everyone? When we don’t hear from you, does it mean you are doing ok? I want to hear the good stuff along with emotional stuff!
Kate, you nailed it–I have an amazing group of people in my life and I find myself closing them off because I don’t want to feel at that moment or I don’t want them to feel bad. They do see me cry and choke up, but not sob my head off as I reserve that for myself in private.
Saturday is our granddaughter’s 1st birthday. She is our only grandchild. I remember a year ago how my daughter’s husband cut the cord and my husband was allowed to cut the cord in a second place. The tears welled in his eyes to have a grandchild. We celebrated her birthday last evening because of the holiday weekend and many people wanting to get away. These are the things that make me miss him the most.
Norma, I’ve been thinking about you recently. I know your will to be strong and carry on your life is powerful, but grief is a funny thing that won’t let go sometimes. Hope you are doing well.
Denise, I know 1 year is coming for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your child.
Love & Hugs to all,
Lori
Hello, I thought perhaps something was wrong with the email notifications, but seems not.
Lori – I’m doing ok. I felt sad at the beginning of the week, but quickly realised it was because I was about to embark on another solo mission, by 2am on the Tuesday I woke up feeling good. And celebrated with a few chocolate biscuits. Woo Hoo! I start college a week on Monday and although I’m thinking WTF, I’m looking forward to it.
I think about you all each and everyday and when I hear of someone else who is in our shoes, my first instinct is to offer them this website, but as it turns out, none so far are into computers, so not a good idea.
I’m taking each day as it comes, each day is a new day, and who knows what it will bring.
Kate – you sound amazing, lots of hard times and yes letting people in is hard. But listen if someone asks, be open and honest with them, just like you are. Then you will be able to gauge someones reaction and then decide if you want to let them in further.
Love and strength to all those listening, but not saying much. Lori and Kate, love to you both.
much love
Normaxxx
‘ :@
I was wondering the same as the sight was quiet; but, for me it was a bad day as it is the start of a long weekend with everyone at work readying to do things with their spouses and asking “what are you doing?” “Looking forward to the long weekend” Not! Just another day to fill!
Also, I got a call from my attorney for Paul’s wrongful death saying they now think it will be a hard case to prove although they think several drs dropped the ball – just hard to prove.
Oh well. Just another day in paradise. Any thoughts on how to pass the weekend???
Hi Karen, long weekends and nothing to do? Why not go out by yourself and do a bit of sight seeing. I don’t know where abouts you are in the big US, but I’m pretty sure there are places in your town you’ve not even been to. Pretend you are a tourist and do the tourist thing. Or hop on a plane and take yourself to Vegas for the weekend, sod the rest, go and have fun.
I know doing things “alone” can seem a bit daunting. Whenever I think about the things that I’ve done since Martin died, and what I intend to do now he’s gone, I get sad, because I’m only doing these things because he’s not here. But I’m not letting that stop me.
Whatever you find to fill your weekend, I hope you have a good one, and you get to do things just for you.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi all,
Here in Queensland, Aus. it is father’s day tomorrow. Although my darling Joe was only step father to my children, I’m finding it difficult.
Also, I’m finding it difficult because I feel the pain of his biological children…. who are grown men …. but unfortunately one of them has been ringing my solicitor wanting to know why he isn’t getting anything… joe had told his boys numerous times about his will – He really n truly didn’t have anything (after two previous wives and becoming a minister) – Another son had given me a lot of trouble previously…. yet another lives with me (whose mother has been also ringing the solicitor) and turns 21 in a couple of weeks. I was thinking I’d put on a party similar to what I did for my daughter at the beginning of the year – but she reminded me that Joe’s son’s (including this one) sabotaged it by getting drunk and therefore weren’t able to take care of Joe so that I could take care of food/ clean up etc (as it was at a church hall) – and then they proceeded to have a go at me about things… I ended up leaving early with Joe as he was not well enough to be there for more than and hour or so … daughter was upset etc….
So… I’m kind of flat. Me and my family feel a fair bit used and abused…. all of my family are people who go out of their way to help people out but we are all really weary.
I don’t share very easily with anyone about how I feel either… that doesn’t help.
Thank you that I can share here.
Bye for now,
Niki
Hi Niki, tough time for you. Father’s Day! I can only say, look after yours and let the “boys” mother look after them. You have yourself and your own family to deal with.
Let Joe’s side ring the solicitor, remind the solicitor that this has nothing to do with you and to make sure he doesn’t add it to your bill. If Joe had nothing then a share of nothing, is nothing. What can you do?
Tomorrow, celebrate the fact that Joe is spending Father’s Day, with his Father, and he is happy up where he now belongs. I don’t believe in God, Niki, but obviously your Joe did, so I think you get what I mean.
Martin shared his birthday with my Dad, so although it’s a happy time Dad being able to celebrate another year, it’s also sad, because Martin isn’t. I find that hard.
Thinking about you and I’m sure you’ll find the right way to pass the day.
Much love
Normaxxx
Nikki, I agree with Norma. You have enough to deal with. Don’t let them stop you from doing something for Father’s Day. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow & sending good thoughts. Hey ladies why don’t we all celebrate father’s day with Nikki by doing something fun in honor of our very special men!
I will try; but it is hard. I am so not used to doing things by myself. I really hate this but also know that this is the way it has to be. Thank you for your support.
Hello, to all my lovely friends. How is everyone doing?
Haven’t posted for a while. Had some medical problems with my sister. She had to be taken for emergency care last Wednesday evening because of excruciating pain in her hips. The doctors have prescribed a different pain medication for her until she sees a rheumatoid specialist who will then evaluate her for a possible upcoming surgery. It’s so hard for me to see her going through all of this and deal with all the things that go along with losing your life partner. Sometimes the strength I should have just isn’t there. But, remember, I’m always thinking of you and check the postings daily.
Wish I could say I’m improving, but just don’t “feel it” yet. Still dealing with the legal process of losing your spouse. Had no idea how expensive and emotionally draining it was going to be, let alone the hassle involved.
I, too, have this long weekend to deal with. I can see how all of us try to fill the gap we’re all left with in one way or another. All in all, a very difficult journey trying to find some solace that will ease our loss. Haven’t really found that “place” yet that brings peace and harmony….will keep trying to find it, though.
Love you all.
“Mare”
Marie – I know what you mean. Some days I feel okay and others I feel I am back to square one. Being alone is certainly not easy. I pray things go better for you.
Hi everyone!
Niki I’m an Aussie too so we are celebrating our first Fathers’ Day without Steve. Fortunately my Dad and Mum are here this weekend so we can focus on my Dad. I have booked him in to a famous barber here for a close shave, and my 15m/o baby girl is going to sit next to him and have her first haircut, they give a certificate with a lock of hair in a frame. Sounds twee but I just wanted to mark the occasion. I took Ruby to Chruch today to light a candle for her beautiful Father and wished the priests Happy Fathers Day. One of them is Ruby’s Godfather so he feels very close to her.
I cried in Church because the sites and sounds remind me so much about Steve. He introduced me to his religion (Greek Orthodox) and while I am not that religion, our daughter, his two other kids and his whole family are so I want to encourage it for Ruby so that it binds them all/us. I was so pleased when they announced today that they will start Sunday school lessons for the kids and also Greek language lessons. I think I will give it a go. That way I can at least say some of the formalities and help Ruby understand who roots.
How did we end up in this fragmented mess. I have learnt so much about life since my darling Steve died almost five months ago. So many people think that because this has happened to me, nothing else sad or tragic will ever happen to me. But life doesn’t work like that does it. Bad things happen to good people. Good behaviour doesn’t bring good rewards. Bad people get ahead, as do good people, but good people also have many bad things happen to them. I now pray that life will be kind to us because there is no guarantee it will. I cry that I may lose Ruby too one day, or that she may lose me earlier than expected.
All it says to me is that we do need to live life to the fullest because we cant reply on anything.
Happy Fathers’ Day to all your lovely husbands. Niki do whatever makes you truly happy darling.
Love Kate xxx
Hi ladies,
Thank you for your love and support. It has been a hard day, but I ended up at my Mum and Dad’s and spent time with them and it is okay… I’m feeling flat, but getting through. Thank you.
Take care,
Niki
Hi everyone,
Marilyn, I am so sorry for this delay. Finally I got the name for the “miracle herb”. It’s called Lingzhi (or Reishi) mushroom. I have no idea if it can help your dear sister but all I know is that my uncle has no more arthritis since taking it, so maybe it’s worth getting your hands on a few jars. Sounds like it promotes a good night’s sleep too so maybe everyone should try it! Here’s a site in the USA which sells it. I noticed you can buy it on Amazon as well. http://hubpages.com/hub/magicreishilingzhimushroomcurescancerhiv
Lori, I hope your granddaughter’s birthday had some special happy moments. I sat back and watched our little Ruby today sprinkling her 15m/o magic over us all, as happy as a lark and no idea at all that she was any different to any other little girl this Fathers’ Day. It breaks my heart. As one of my friends said to me in an sms “I bet Steve is really pissed off he was not there”. I really appreciated the fact that there I was sugar coating and being so positive, and she said it how it probably was.
Norma, hi darl. Don’t feel alone doing all those new things. I am out on the edge too, and I’m sure many others are too. We’re all backing each other up.
Karen, hope you found something rewarding to do. It must be terrifying for you to try doing things alone and let’s face it, even for the more independent types, it still can be tough. But I think there are things you can try that are easier than others. Taking children or grandchildren to an organised group activity so you can chat with other parents/grandparents, joining book clubs at your local library/bookshop, art classes, gardening tours, writing classes (let’s face it you have a memoir in you or maybe some poems), doing a wine appreciation course, cooking class, yoga etc. If you go to something with structure you will be surprised how quickly you will begin talking to someone and even possibly have a few nervous giggles that feel good. I think you have to persevere as well because unless you are absolutely sure that the other participants are completely wrong for you, you will find that some of the people are lovely but they too are nervous or shy. I hope so anyway.
Fathers’ Day has passed and Ruby’s new fringe looks divine, her grandfather’s (my father’s) chin is as smooth as silk after his close shave, her other grandfather (Steve’s dad) received a call from us and sounded fairly bouyant and her step sister and brother (Steve’s kids) got the giggles when we skyped them and they watched Ruby take a few steps. And me, well I’ll go to bed and once again go to sleep hugging the last jumper (sweater) that Steve ever wore, still unwashed. That’s when I take off my brave face (Lori, I’m sure you know what I mean).
Night lovely ladies, Kate xx
gosh, everyone has gone quiet again.
does anyone know any sites like this for men? i know that this is unisex but i wonder if there is a site that has more men on it. my colleague’s mum has recently taken her life and her husband needs some friends.
love to you all. xx
Twitter: miraclady
September 9, 2010 at 5:15 am
Dear Ones -
Thinking about Kate’s question. I don’t know of sites like this for men.
But I think we would all welcome a man in grief. What do you think?
There are only open hearts here. How terrible to lose a loved one by suicide.
It’s up to you. This is your forum.
Hi Kate
Yes I think everyone is still here just going through their own thing while still reading other posts.. I know that is the case with me anyway. I haven’t been on in awhile. These last couple of days have been okay some days better than others. Its been 15 weeks…still don’t believe it but I am making it…
Prayers & Blessing to you all
Jeanie B
Hi all, Why is it that at least I come & write when I need to vent?Perhaps I should have come on these past weeks & written “ladies I’m doing well today, things may be coming around”. I’ve done a lot of soul searching the last weeks, a couple things went “right” I even replaced the rearview mirror on my car all by myself, I was so proud! I really thought I was turning a corner, if ever so slight. Then the last couple days reality set in. Even though I have been activly looking for a job nothing has come yet. Winter is fast approaching my car won’t last through the first little storm. It seems like Ed died- the car decided to rebel too. It needs major work & I don’t have the money to fix it or replace it. When I do get a job, if I don’t have a reliable car, I won’t have it for long. It’s an endless circle. Ed had planned on putting in a new roof on the house this past spring. He didn’t want it to go anymore than 1 more winter. Needless to say it wasn’t done & I’m afraid of it now. There are more things too. I know I haven’t had a paying job in years, but I always thought of myself as a very independant person. Now I feel like I’m running in circles. When there was a problem Ed & I would find a solution. He would laugh because I would always want a plan B, C & D, just in case. Things would work out. Now I don’t even have a plan A. I feel like I’m running in an endless circle. I know, I know we should have planned better, but we didn’t & I won’t drive myself crazier with the “if only”. This is the way it is & I know I have to deal with it. It’s just that for the first time in my life I have no idea what to do with any of it. And I just miss him sooo much. My birthday is this coming Tuesday. 5 yrs ago when I turned 50 it was only months after my best friend had died he planned a surprise party for me. He hoped it would make me feel better. Our vacation to the Outer Banks of NC would be in 2 wks, our fall foliage rides, then Thanksgiving, all the boys birthdays, but especially Brian’s, the day before his attack when we were all together & so happy (that was also black friday when he earlier he had shopped with me). I know I’m thiinking way far ahead but I feel like I have to prepare myself. Everything just feels like it’s coming down on me. I try to stay positive & I put on the “happy face” with people, but when I’m home alone it feels like that I’m never going to get out of that black hole. If he is up there I want him to be proud of me & Deborah, I REFUSE to have to say to him someday in heaven (if there is one) that I curled up & died when he died! You’re right on that, heck, he’d kick my butt! I just don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for dumping ladies. I know you all are going through all this too, some of you a lot worse. Now that I’ve dumped on you all I’m going to put on my happy face & go to my son’s to visit my granddaughter. Thanks for listening
To Mary
I think we’ve all had days like yours… I know the 1st time something went wrong around the house I thought “now what?” like you my husband ALWAYS took care of what I called his “this is why I keep you” (our little joke). Brian always started projects around the house & very seldom completed them; he always said “so you will always need me” well the dang garage door just completely came off its hinges on my way to church one morning. I felt like crying & I just wiped away the tears left the door hanging & went to church. Came back and called his brother who came right over with a door (said all doors measured about the same).
Then my youngest son wanted to bar b que for the labor day weekend ladies i have never grilled in my life…but I went to the local store bought a small pit & actually grilled chicken, hamburgers, hot dogs and sausage & it came out pretty good. Yes it may seem small to some of you but for me it was very rewarding and a little ray of sunshine; I know that I can & will get through this.
Some days I feel soo overwhelmed with the things I now have to handle alone & other days I can take it all in stride.
I do miss him though and I don’t think that will ever change.
We can & we will get through this. I know for some it seems like you are going around and around in circles but just keep moving.
This too shall pass.
Hugs *& Kisses
Jeanie B
Go for it. Ansolutely. Men sometimes jump into things too fast out of grief. Maybe knowing about women and how they cope will be of great help. It certainly connot hurt.
Hello friends,
I would welcome anyone who is grieving and needs support to this forum.
Jeanie B. & Mary–I had to chuckle when I read your posts. I have walked in those shoes too. Do you know long it took me to find the place on the furnace that holds the filter I needed to change? Too long. When I figured it out I felt a little dumb, but proud of myself too. I did it! I also bought 7 new windows (inserts), painted them and hung them myself too.
My husband did all the grilling and taught me how to start the grill, etc. but I just couldn’t bring myself to grill anything this summer. I just couldn’t go there emotionally.
I remember one day last winter – right after a blizzard – when I was completely snowed in and needed to shovel to get to the garage to get the snowblower out. Then I had to figure out how to run it. I really hate having to figure this stuff out. God I miss him.
Love to all, Lori
Lori,
Kudos to you and all other CW’s (Corrine Women) this applies to for grilling, for plowing, and for generally soldiering on! I’m really curious though – how many of you ladies already do those typical “man” things like grilling, running the tractor/snow plow/lawn mower, change light bulbs, hang curtain rods, etc.? And now that I’m on the subject, how many CW’s already took care of the finances; i.e., paid the bills (either by checkbook or by computer)? I’m just curious. This topic got me thinking about my mom and dad and their division of household labor; how she paid all the bills (with all cash, can you imagine that?) but my dad took care of the car. They both shoveled snow during southeastern Michigan winters and both cut the grass in those hot, humid Michigan summers – dad on the riding mower and mom with the push mower. My dad was the only one who drove a car though. So, he had to drive her to all her errands, (the bank, the drug store, the grocery store) and he mostly sat in the car and waited for her to do everything. They were both in the 50′s when I was in grade school. I remember both of them going to the laudromat with all of our clothes (eight kids in the family) and then when the wet clean clothes were all in those big dryers, they would slip out and have a beer with a friend who owned the bar/restaurant across the street from the laundromat. I remember how embarrassing it was when I began wearing bras to think that my dad was handling those personal clothing items! He would come home exclaiming “Gosh, what are you girls wearing? I must have counted 40 pairs of panties and bras in the laundry!” My sisters and I would cringe!
Hi Corinne, let them come, for they will get all the support they need here. If not a masculine view, then maybe it’s time for them to explore their femanine side. Joking aside, a different perspective, for that is what a man’s view is, will be good and who knows he may find it useful. Death by any means is hard enough, let him learn from us as we will from him.
Ladies – love and strength. One thing at a time, feel proud when you do it yourself, and remember if there is one person you can rely on, it’s always YOU! Then us of course. Nx
Kate – sorry to hear about your colleague’s news. Harsh as this may sound you have gone in to help mode. A good thing, but sometimes, I mean this in a kind way, just a distraction from what you need to be concentrating on. Trust me, I’ve done it. Why help myself if I can help others instead? Don’t forget that you come first (well Ruby does I know that), and you are the one you should be helping first.
I know that might sound selfish and believe me I’m not that kind of person, but it was something my Martin said to me. “After I’m gone, stop doing things for other people and concentrate on you for a change” I’m not one for not helping others, but I often think about that before I commit my time to anyone else. I’m sure that won’t last long.
Love, strength and happy positive thoughts coming your way, Ladies. And Corinne, bring on the men!
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello, to all my lovely friends….
Don’t think for a minute I’ve forgotten any of you. I think of you each day wondering how you are doing.
I think it would be great to have the gentlemen join us. Hearts and emotions have no gender. We’re all “one” when it comes to losing your spouse.
I, too, have had to deal with the “things” my “better half” used to take care of. Bob insisted I learn to change the furnace filter every month because he didn’t want to do it. He took care of the finances on the computer and I always was after him to show me how to pay the bills on line. He would say….”Not now, Mare,” and it never came to pass. So, I’m no where near as educated on the computer as he was. He had so many different programs set up on his desk top, I couldn’t begin to figure them all out. Got scared and when the bank account was put on hold during the process of removing his name, I decided to return to check writing. Bob would not have liked me reverting to the old standard, but I’m more comfortable with it.
Dear Kate,
Thank you so much for letting me know the name of the herb to help arthritic pain. My sister is going to see a rheumatoid specialist this coming Monday, so we’ll see what happens from there. I’m going to research Amazon and, again, thank you for your thoughtfulness and support. Sending hugs to you and Ruby.
I, too, feel like I’m going in circles. Going through the motions and doing what has to be done, but I’m still “not there.” Far from it. Very distracted.
As I read each of your posts, I relate to so many things all of you are experiencing. It is all about “ups and downs.” I ask myself, “What do you want to do with the rest of your life, now?” I don’t have the answer, yet, but as each day passes, I want to move from here. So, I’m taking each day as it presents itself. Yesterday was terrible, but maybe today will be better. That’s all we can do. Don’t be too hard on ourselves if we’re not making the progress we want to be making and try to make each day as productive and comfortable as possible. I guess we are the ones that “make it or break it” as to what kind of day we’re going to have, but as hard as I try to “make it” livable, something will trigger the magnitude of emptiness and despair I feel, then I’m back to “square one” again. I look around me and see what once was, then see what it is now….a huge disparity.
We’re all in this together. Please keep posting; it means a lot to all of us. We like to know how you’re feeling and what everyone is doing. Good therapy, support and love from great friends.
“Mare”
Mare,
Paying bills on line is really easy. A great resource for learning how to do it is your bank. Simply call their toll free number (usually on your bank statement) and ask to speak to someone from their on-line banking department. They will be able to walk you through it and teach you everything you need to know. It really is very easy. Much easier than writing checks, (and making sure you’re written account numbers in the memo section of each check) and addressing envelopes and affixing postage and then mailing those envelopes. So much easier than all that! Or, if your husband used Quicken or a similiar software package which is already loaded on your computer, that software company’s website also have tutorials on how to pay bills on line. And you would always know how much money you have in your account. It would be staring you in the face everytime you logged on and in. It would be a shame if you didn’t at least give it a try.
Mare, my pleasure. I think we might all need it.
Norma, am I in help mode? Maybe. But I have always been this person. Steve was annoyed by it too. But I see what you mean. Today I met a friend of a friend for coffee. His wife died in June. Lovely guy. We are in such similar situations it’s weird. Again, I wanted to help.
Last night I went to my friend’s house. Her husband has been so so bad and divorce is nigh. Helping again.
It’s in my nature. I’m not great at being the needy one. I well-up when people make kind gestures. I always thought I could solve everyone’s problems.
Difference is that now, I know I can’t. But I can be an ear. It does detract from me for sure but…
Just accepted a new job. Can’t believe I have done this but my gut and heart took control. It all felt so natural. Now I have to resign. Not easy. They have been so good to me.
Night CW’s. xxxx
Hi All,
I just had to chime in with another, “Me, too!” Here it has been over two years since my fantastic man died, and I’m still struggling with trying to do what he always did. He did so much…. and so well! I’ve been able to do some things, my family or friends have helped with others, and I’ve resorted to hiring help for those things that are beyond me, my family, and my friends. My man left a humongous hole in my heart and my life when he graduated from this world.
Like you, Kate, I’ve found that helping others is a great way to help myself…. is a distraction, plus provides a sense of having a purpose. Through a variety of volunteer work, plus prayer and Scripture study,
I usually feel balanced and peaceful. Some days, though, like today, I am ambushed by an intense longing to have Don back here with me…. sharing life with me. It is overpowering…. makes me think of how movies sometimes fade everything else into the background and make one thing or person the only item in focus on the screen.
For the past 18 months I and 20 other contributors have been providing information for a book about living (and dying) with pancreatic cancer, and it has recently been published. The title is “Pancreatic Cancer: It’s a Family Affair,” and you can find more information about it at: http://www.pcfamilyaffair.com, if you are interested. On the site you can see the book cover that my talented daughter-in-law designed, using my son’s and my hands in her design. All proceeds from the sale of the book go to pancreatic cancer research.
Blessings,
Jeanine
Ladies, I had to share some good news with you. My youngest son, Brian & his fiance told me earlier this evening tthan hat they are expecting a baby! Although this was a major surprise to them they are very happy. They’re due May 4, 2011. Since she is still in college she’ll be taking winter/spring term off and then continue in the fall. I am really excited for the first time since… This afternoon I stood in the middle of my living room & asked Ed or God anyone for some sort of “sign” anything to show me a bit of light in my really dark world. Perhaps it’s a coincidence but ladies what better thing to give us all hope than a new baby. We have loved Lexie our granddaughter by son #2, Rick so very much. I can’t wait to meet our new grandbaby. Brian asked that I keep quiet until they get to tell the rest of the family – so far aside from her mom & dad I’m the only one that knows, so I thought I could at least share with my wonderful ladies. For the first time in a long while I feel Ed is with me smiling. I’m gonna be a grandma again!!! Thanks for sharing, Mary
Mary,
Are you saying that BEFORE you even heard about the new grandbaby, you stood in your livingroom and asked for a “sign” and that the announcement of the pregnancy happened afterwards? If so, pretty darn cool!
Hello all–Mary! What exciting, happy news. It was no coinidence my friend, that was your Ed giving you a true sign. Being a grandma is wonderful. I have a granddaughter who just turned 1. She was only 3 months old when my husband died and I feel a little jipped she didn’t get to know how fabulous he was.
Hi Deborah, I always handled all the bill payments, etc. I know squat about cars and he took care of all of that. Thankfully, I have an honest mechanic who looks after the vehicles now. My husband also did 95% of the cooking. It’s not that I can’t cook, I really like to cook, but it just sorta evolved into his thing over the years. He also did laundry and mopped the kitchen floor. He drew the line at bathrooms though. I really enjoyed your story about your parents, thanks for sharing that.
Out of the blue I had a meltdown today–again while driving. Just like that I burst into tears. Grief is a funny thing that I probably will never figure out. The only thing I can do is let it ride.
Good night my friends.
Love, peace, and positive thoughts to all,
Lori
Corinne – Now that I’ve told Mare how easy it is to pay bills on line, it got me thinking about your website. I’m really curious on how to add a photo to posts – I see a photo of you everytime you comment – can we add our own photo when we post/comment?
Twitter: miraclady
September 11, 2010 at 10:55 am
Dear Ones – and Deborah -
I asked my brilliant tech guy from London.
Here is how to do it. Click on the link below.
Thanks, Andrew.
http://www.webuildyourblog.com/1519/add-image-add-blog-comment/
Well, it has been 6 months since Paul passed and I have to admit, unfortunately, that I am having good days. But, I have to also say that I am still having some moments where I feel “Did this really happen, is Paul really gone?” Do any of you still get these days?
So many things I am learning to handle on my own. The first year is not just a year of grieving the loss (which is enough – by all means!), but a financial adjustment and ALSO just learning what he took care of that I must now learn. This can all be overwhelming. But, I am getting up each day, cleaning my house, going to work and socializing with some girlfriends. But, still different and still feel like not going out at times. Like my safe retreat of my home and m my animals.
Hope you all have a good Sunday. As best as it can be.
Karen,
I don’t know if any of the women on this site will want to hear this but, yes, even after Roger being gone seven years, I still catch myself yearning for him. That’s the best way I can explain this feeling that comes over me – it’s a yearning for him. I’ve been putting together some vacation scrapbooks of photos taken during trips several of my “couples” friends have taken in the past. You know how those photos stack up for years before you ever get them into an album. Yesterday, I was looking through some of these old photos and literally froze when I came to a stack of photos of Roger. I’ve since remarried, so don’t get me wrong. I’m incredibly happy with my husband, but still, I miss Roger. I don’t know if it’s because he was a dear friend as well as my lover but it’s like the very cells in my body still call out to him every once in a while. There just wasn’t anyone on this planet quite like him, and I’m still capable of getting quite sad when I allow myself to think about him and the fact that he is no longer alive on this planet. It’s like I’ve compartmentized that period in my life – that little corner of my brain where all thoughts and memories of Roger are stored. I still get angry when I about him and how unfair it is that he’s gone, that he’s no longer able to enjoy life.
Oh Karen, I have felt/feel exactly how you describe. The learning curve we all must face, the financial turn we take, all of it is overwhelming. I try to keep up appearances to the outside world no one knows how I truly feel and what I’m going through. I’m so happy I have this site to know I am truly not alone on this journey.
Love, peace and joy,
Lori
Hi Ladies- Wow! I have 167 emails! Most of them are garbarge but a signficant of them were from you.
My brain is constantly thinking ahead. I have stopped worrying so much about the near future because I’ve realized that this is not in my hands. I can not control it, and that really pisses me off
Well, more tests for Mark tomorrow. (For those of you who don’t know, my fiancee has lymphoma for the 3rd time)
Be careful what you wish for, right? When I was married I complained about the sex and how terrible it was. So I prayed for a man who, among other attributes, was fantastic in bed.
The irony is that he has not body fat that even a PET scan can’t read his tumors. So far we have gone through 2 CT scans and one PET scan. The man is built like a Roman God. (He is full-blooded Italian. Do you want to hear another irony? I am so afraid that I will hurt the lymph nodes in his groin, that I refuse to have sex with him.
It’s just a roller coaster of emotions. I am praying to find out the best treatment for him and he’s better in six months.
From what I am reading about his cancer……this is bad–real bad.
In the meantime, I will just accompany him to the hospital and study my courses. (BTW, I have no focus whatsoever. The hardest thing for me right now is ……I want to know already! Is he going to live or die???) How bad am I? I’m sorry,
Love Linda
Twitter: miraclady
September 13, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Dear Linda -
My husband was ill with prostate cancer for five years.
Along the way, he would get much worse. More surgery. I would make the adjustment that he was going soon.
Then, he would get better. I would get hopeful.
Then, the last couple of months, he went straight down. No coming back. I was praying for him to die it was so terrible.
It was like being on a rollercoaster. It’s a horrible position to be in. You just don’t know how to keep making these changes over and over. It is so exhausting and you do feel guilty. Like – go or stay – but I cannot stand this back and forth.
Just make sure you are strapped in and hold on.
Unless someone else here has a better idea, I just don’t see how to advise you.
Hi Everyone!
Linda, I can completely understand what you are saying. You are solution oriented. You plan ahead and you don’t like the unknown. All your thoughts are so normal I am sure. It’s like when I stood at the foot of my husband’s hospital bed when they were resuscitating him after his cardiac arrest and I was thinking ‘oh my god, who will marry me next, who will look after me’. I had to confess it to my counsellor and to friends just to get it off my chest.I couldn’t believe I could have those thoughts. I felt so selfish but I had flicked in to survival mode. Stop judging yourself. You can think, feel and say whatever you like. Please God may you get your wish.
Karen, you are six months and I am five months today. Just behind you a wee bit. I am surprised at how well I am doing but then I remind myself that I might be laughing, having fun, socialising, getting excited about things again and thinking less, but there are moments that just grab me and like you. I think ‘is this for real???’. I look at Steve’s photos and watch him speaking on video and think the whole thing is surreal. I knew that person so well but I’ll never see him again. My memory is fading and yet when Ruby grows up and asks me why she doesn’t have a Daddy, I’ll have to be strong and convince her that she’ll be ok. I just never ever thought I would be in this situation. Yet again coping with my lot in life. Moving on, taking control, pulling it all together and yet secretly fearing that if I got sick or died, what would my beautiful little fairy do all on her own. I don’t even have a will yet. Next on my list I promise. You’d think I would have learnt from Steve!!
Love to you all, you amazing women. xx Kate
Kate,
You’re absolutely right when you talk about survival mode. You can’t help but go into survival mode when you’re faced with going it alone. I probably remarried rather soon after Roger died because I was in survival mode. Thank God my Brian is a good, kind, loving man and loved me more perhaps than I loved myself at that time in my life. He literally rescued me without being one of those guys who does go around rescuing women, does that make sense? Plus, we’ve known each other for over 25 years now, so I knew who I was marrying and that we would make a good team, and that I truly did love him. Otherwise, I don’t think I could have married him. After experiencing the kind of love I had with Roger, I thought at the time that nothing and no one else would compare, but, boy, was I wrong. I’m living proof, ladies, that you can recover from tragedy and find love again. I am incredibly fortunate to have found someone who standing there all along. Brian is this incredible gift, and I know in my heart I will never, ever take him for granted because I realize how rare it is to find this kind of love a second time, especially so soon after losing Roger. I’ve said it before – I believe your capacity to love greatly expands after losing someone you loved so deeply. I know it’s hard, ladies, but you just have to be open to the possibility that you will one day be happy again.
To all of my friends in the support of loosing our dear spouse.
Deborah Sullivan is right…I had to work hard on myself the last two years eight months. I am so glad for you Deborah that you found a way to open your heart, again and started living. Life is too precious.
Once the heart is opened again…it is a wonderful feeling. One can become whole again. I will always miss my sweet Barry. He makes me smile. Tears still runs once in a while, but I know that Barry would be proud of me. I am carrying on our dreams in helping others.
I am a Reverend and will be licensed thru the State of Florida. I am planning on helping Senior Citizens. I have worked for a facility for 26 years with healing thru my cooking. I am able now to extend myself further out to them, healing their body, mind and spirit. It is not the end for them…there is much more for them besides…playing bingo, eating and waiting for the end. I am planning on holding Sacred Circles and Meditation Groups from centers to centers.
Thru my place of work…I hope that my plans will be implamented for the Peace Flags making with the Seniors. They can still be part of the community, the society and the world. The Peace Flags will be flown at the Rosa Parks Museum in Mongomery, Alabama; the Panama City, Florida; then all over the country and who knows the world. Students are participating in the Peace Flag makings.
We all can help make a little difference.
One would not know that I am there, but One just might feel the slightest breeze from my wings.
Peace and Love,
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
September 15, 2010 at 9:44 am
Dear Ones -
New interview on line. Take a look at it. You will find yourself there.
Just click on this link and it will go right to it.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/a-woman-without-a-man-video-interview-by-linda-mills/
Linda is a brilliant attorney. Not a talk show host. But she is fabulous.
We did this interview with no preparation. Just sat down and did it.
Love,
Corinne
Corinne,
It’s so great to see you in action. You are amazing. I am all for you saying that women need to know what they want.
Hi everyone,
I have along, boring story to share. I found a new job. I was approached by a competitor. Everything felt right. The change, the fresh beginning, the energy, the professionalism. Let’s face it I have been with a bank in HK that has been struggling for quite some time. BUT they were very loyal to me in that they paid me for the 3.5 months I was on leave in Australia (my home) after Steve died. No questions….my salary increased in my absence, along with everyone else, and my bonus was paid, as planned. I was grateful. Humbled. Enough to make me feel that moving back to HK with my baby was going to be ok.
When I was approached by the new place (two weeks ago), I was open to talking. Very quickly I realised that it was the perfect opportunity for me to grow. I needed the change. Every day that I sit in my old desk, with the same view, the same voices, same lift ride, same toilets, same issues etc is a day that was not helping my progress. Every day I feel like life is the same as it was when Steve was alive. Sometimes (association of ideas) I think “Steve will be picking me up soon on his way home” (which he did each night) and then I realise “no he’s not, he’s dead”. So the new job represented a shake up. New office, new routines, new people, less familiarity, fewer reminders…change I needed.
After a lot of soul searching and an offer from a new CEO who completely understood my situation and offered me security, I accepted the new job and I resigned yesterday to my boss. He was caring, understanding, gentle and sad. I cried buckets in front of him. I was so nervous. After 11 years in the same place, I felt I was severing a strong tie and I was leaving them in a hole.
I went home and this morning set-up a meeting with another senior person who I knew would feel perplexed and maybe annoyed that I had left them after their generosity. He was lovely. He said “do what you have to do, my wife has cancer, we’ll miss you but we’ll work it out. This is life”. Hugs, tears (from him too), bye bye.
Then, although not as necessary, I made an appointment with the CEO to thank him for paying me through my compassionate leave and to explain what was behind my decision. HE RIPPED THROUGH ME. He said I have left them in the lurch, going to a competitor. He said “of course I can’t begin to understand what you have been through but I have given several people compassionate leave. My question is that next time someone loses a partner or family member, should I help them out”.
11 years service!! I explained that it’s deeply personal. Getting out of bed each day for a reason is important, it felt right, thank you for being so kind, what could you have done if I told you I was unhappy anyway etc.. He pushed and pushed, and finally I said, thank you for going to this level because you are making me fully explain what is happening here (I am crying, and shaking, and he is being relentless). I said “this is called survival”. I have a baby. I am the only income and do you really think I want to be working at all!!!!!
This man didn’t contact me once when I was grieving Steve in Australia. Maybe he thought others were doing his job for him and that paying me was enough but I said as much to him.
I have been offered more money but more to the point I have been offered it for two years minimum, in writing. That is security like nothing else right now.
You know I felt so great after I left that meeting and finally calmed down. I knew I was doing the right thing. Yes he was good to me, but there was a condition attached. My resignation was going to make him look feeble in front of his bosses, and when he calms down I think he will regret this. He has a child with very special needs. Has it made him bullet proof? Will we all not believe the sob story in the future? Will I become as hard and ruthless?
Am I opportunistic? Yes. Have I been loyal? Yes. Am I thankful? Absolutely. Am I stupid? I don’t think so.
My daughter’s future is now my life and for some reason I am welcoming change. Is anyone else?
xxx Kate
The postings have been quiet.
I am truly struggling. Paul and I have always been the “fixers”, “doers” of the family. I know my son is going through his own hell right now with being newly divorced and to have sole custody and responsibility for a 2-1/2 and almost 4 year old; BUT, I can’t fix anything and don’t have the energy to step in. My parents (80′s) are still expecting to assist in taking care of him and the boys – being strong for them. I love them, don’t get me wrong, it is just that I am trying to find my way without Paul – financially as well as emotionally. I don’t know if people don’t understand. I think they think that because I don’t have Paul, I don’t have a life anymore (which in so many ways is true!) but I am trying to get myself out of bed each day and find some positive. Raising little one like t hat is exhausting and being around them is exhausting. I have been down that road (and raised my sons by myself and worked for 7 years) and am tired. Grieving is taking a lot out of me and I am trying to find good things in life to help me go on; but it seems like I am surrounded with SO MUCH NEGATIVE.
Please pray for me!
Karen
Oh! Dear Karen: I have been noticing the quiet on the site as well. Would you be interested in telephone conversation with me? I would be more than happy to talk to you…knowing that we have something in common…by that I mean losing our husbands. I am able to call you you and at least listen with understanding, and above all else, love, time and giving you the peace of knowing there is a live human being on the other end of the line who can have immediate response to whatever is going on with you. Please let me know and I will post my e-mail for you. Love, Strength and Light to you. Terre
Thank you, Terre. My phone number is 727-773-8877
I know that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel; it is just as to when it will come. I am so dreading the holidays. Being around all the “couples”. I have been through this before with divorce and it is no fun. This time it is worse because the one I lost I loved with all my heart.
Oh my! I feel the same way Karen. I am really struggling–really struggling. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! I just want my life back. It was 9 months yesterday and I ask God everyday why did you take my husband so young? Our children deserve their dad. I go through the motions and take care of everything. I truly feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. You are right, no one gets it. Know you are not alone.
Love & Hugs, Lori
I know that I (we) are not alone; but it sure feels like it some days. I have met quite a few women that have been through this, and they all say the same thing, “time” will make the hurt less. I wish I could fast forward the clock because I don’t like the person I am right now. I don’t like feeling sad, alone, confused. I used to think myself a strong and independent person – and I want her back. I question a lot of my decisions and I am also so clumsy! I hope that these things pass and I turn back into the self-confident woman I once was. I have to believe that this will happen with time. I pray every day for strength. I will pray for you also, Lori – hang in there with the rest of us.
Karen
Hello, dear friends….
What can I say? I am struggling, as well. Just can’t seem to “pull things together” like I would like to. It will be five months since my husband’s death this coming October 7th. Daughter, Rebecca’s birthday upcoming on the 5th of October (her first birthday without her dad.) It just seems to go on and on and I’m absolutely dreading the holidays. Try to maintain the “I’m okay face,” but underneath is another story. Wish I could come here with more optimism, but I want to honest and up front with all my friends here, as well as to myself. It’s not coming together yet. When? Who knows.
Dearest friends, Lori and Karen….
When I read your posts, I know what we are feeling is normal. I suppose everyone copes in their own way to survive this terrible loss we’ve all experienced. For me, honestly, I feel like this happened yesterday, not a little over four months ago. The finances are overwhelming having to pay attorney fees to settle obligations with the state of California, medical bills that weren’t covered, home repairs, in addition to the regular monthly bills. It does feel like the weight of the world is on our shoulders and I doubt myself with almost everything I’m doing right now. Never adapted well to change; maybe that’s the reason it’s harder for me to accept what has happened. I’m very sad, very depressed and, like you, want the life I had back, not this “shell” that’s been left behind for me to live. Apologies for the negativity, but this is where I’m at right now.
Dearest Kate….
I applaud you for your determination to seek a safe, secure life for you and Ruby. You’ve had so much to adjust to with the loss of Steve and the move to HK would have been enough for me, let alone adapting to a new job. I think you made the right decision. I’ll be looking forward to future posts letting us know how you’re doing. Sending you love and support, as always.
Always look forward to hearing from my friends. I want to be an inspiration for everyone going through this, so please forgive the lack of it…. but the struggle continues. I check this beautiful site every day and even though I’m not posting as much lately, always remember I carry all of you in my heart each day.
Love,
“Mare”
Hello friends, I am better today, not great, but better. I apologize for my meltdown yesterday. I felt it was a safe place to meltdown however, if I cried and cried in front of my family or friends they would have rushed me to the pysch ward. I have those days every now and then and am thankful I can blurt out what I am truly feeling right here with all of you.
Love & hugs, Lori
Lori, isn’t it amazing we do feel safe dumping and venting in this little neighborhood. Keep coming back. It makes me feel better doing it too.
Mare, you have been so quiet. You must be using your energy elsewhere. Your daughter will need you a lot, but don’t forget you need you too. WE need you too! Did you chase that mushroom lead? Thanks for believing in me. There have been several twists and turns since my last post but I am trying hard to coast above the pettiness. When you lose your husband, not much really can astound you.
Karen, I identify with the clumsiness too. Even my words stumble out of my mouth in the wrong order. I am erratic as well. Have you ever meditated or done yoga? Just wondering if it would help. My uncle, a hippy turned cosmetics guru who introduced Siddha Yoga to Australia told me yesterday that meditation is key to my healing. He said self discovery ensures long term happiness. I am going to give it a try. Would you even consider it?
I have six weeks off between jobs which is such an unexpected bonus, but because I told everyone to come and stay when I was in Oz, guess what, they are all coming to stay!! I cried buckets tonight missing Steve and wondering why I had to be the hostess with the mostess, but them I realised I might play vulnerable patient in need of TLC and see if it helps.
Love Kate x
Yes, as a matter of fact, I have considered Yoga. I am trying to get a friend who lost her husband in December to join with me as I thought it would be good for both of us. If she doesn’t, I am as I need something. Thanks and hang in there.
Hello to my lovely friends….Hope none of you think I’ve forgotten you; I haven’t. I decided to go ahead with some additional home repairs that I wanted to do before winter. Hiring contractors is a true nightmare out here in California and what energy I had quickly dissipated. I’m in a hard place. So, please know I carry all of you in my heart each and every day. All of you.
How is everyone doing?
I was seriously considering listing my home for sale and moving from here. I did have the interior painted and recarpeted. Everything had to be moved outside for the carpet installation. I didn’t realize how disruptive the process was going to be. My husband’s urn and memorial were all transferred to the garage and we finally returned everything to its original place today. Very emotional. I felt like I had traveled back in time to May 7th, the day my Bob lost his battle with lung cancer.
Well, the fall season is officially here and soon the holidays. The thought makes me feel like I’m in a boat that’s about to go over Niagra Falls. I don’t know what to expect and will try not to overthink it. For the first time in 32 years, I won’t be cooking for Thanksgiving. This is all so surreal. I won’t lie to myself. I just feel really bad. I have to keep up “appearances,” though. Right now, I’m going through the phase of “last year at this time we were doing this” and “last year at this time we were doing that.” Little did I know what was ahead.
October 5th is our daughter’s birthday and I will do something extra special for her. This will be her “first” birthday without her dad and I know this will be one of the more difficult days to get through. It is what it is.
While the painting and carpeting were being done, my husband’s belongings were tended to. I wasn’t able to participate. I’ve come to realize you can change the landscape, but it doesn’t erase what was once so much a part of your life.
Your caring and support have carried me through many a rough day. Please keep posting and letting me know how all of you are doing. I will do the same. I may not be progressing as well as I would like, but I love to hear how all of you are coping and adjusting. Good or bad, it helps to know you’re there. I truly love my friends here.
“Mare’
Hey Mare & everyone
Yes I think we are all still here…reading and reflecting on how everyone else life seems to be going? at least for me anyway…. I read the posts when they arrive in my box and reflect on how close each person pain is so similar to my own…
Had a really rough nite…phone rang in the middle of the night (2:30am) my son is having an argument with his girlfriend and wants me to come pick him up (he had been out drinking)…
FLASHBACK ..4 months today my sweetie had his sudden cardiac arrest I received a phone call from the hospital almost at the exact same time…so of course this day has me down in the dumps.
Mare I understand wanting to have a “change of scenery” I too have been contemplating renovations but everything seems to take so much energy & effort.
Just a quick note to let all of you know that I am still here and taking it day by day….I have some tolerable days and some not so tolerable but each day brings about time and I’m told that “time does heal…” I truly hope so b/c I can’t imagine feeling like this for years to come.
Hugs and Kisses to all
Jeanie B.
Hello friends, How is everyone? I’m doing ok. My 49th birthday was this past Friday and I told my children to just think of it as another day. Well my friends from work had other ideas. They decorated my office from top to bottom, made me a yellow cake w/chocolate frosting (my husband always made me this cake for my birthday), and took me out for lunch. I decided to take my children out for dinner and we went to a football game. It was an ok day after all. Surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care about you is very positive to one’s emotions.
How do any of you answer the questions: 1) do you have big plans for the weekend; or 2) did you have a fun weekend. Weekends are lonely times for me. I try to keep busy with laundry, football games, cleaning house, etc. but that was always our time together with our children. We always made Sunday dinner and all the kids were there around the table. I haven’t really done Sunday dinner since. It makes me sad to think about it. I did put up a few Halloween decorations outside and started to Christmas shop. Some days I have the strength to do these things, some days I just want to crawl into bed and never come out.
How have your days been?
Love & peace to all,
Lori
I totally hate those two questions! I always lie and say, my weekend was okay. Or No big plans, just another weekend. But, sometimes people can be persistent and insist that I MUST do something for myself – REALLY. It will come; but, not right now. I have forced myself to do the family dinners every Sunday – it keeps me busy and helps occupy time. At the moment – that is what I feel I am doing – occupying time.
I think, for what is worth, that you are doing well. If you are putting up decorations and shopping for Christmas presents – I can’t do that yet.
Hang in there, hugs and prayers – Karen
Hello friends,
It is a crazy, bumpy grief ride we are on together. I have to capitalize on the ok days to keep sane. Karen, if you would have asked me on Sept. 20 if I could put up Halloween decorations or start buying Christmas presents I would have said “no way”. That’s the crazy part, one week I can barely function and cry over everything (and it’s not PMS) and the next week it’s ok and I can do somethings. Make no mistake about it however, I cry everyday (some days sobs, some just tears in my eyes) I miss my husband so much.
Love to all, Lori
I understand completely. It is crazy. I feel the same way. Some days I feel as if I have conquered it and I am fine and others for no reason at all I am so down in the dumps and cannot function or feel like I can’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag.
I do get tired of after 6 months people still asking me how I am handling it or can I afford my house or to live. This really drives me crazy. It is none of their business as they are not even close friends.
I don’t care about the questions from people or any of that peripheral stuff. It has been one year and I absolutely hate being alone. We couldn’t have children and I feel totally alone. I have friends but they have busy lives. I do work full time so that is good, I travel, exercise and volunteer , but it is this feeling of being in space with no one to be responsible for or to be responsible to, that I have trouble dealing with at all. Going to bed and waking up with no one caring if I do or not. I try to think of it as freedom but that isn’t working.
Hello, to all my lovely friends….
This is a hard road to travel. While I sincerely put effort into being positive and upbeat, not only for my family, but for me, as well, I find there is no simple solution to “moving on.” Life without the man you loved and respected for 32 years is a void that can’t be filled in, not at this time, if ever.
Daughter, Rebecca had an emotional breakdown last Tuesday evening. My son-in-law and I found her on the floor in what was once Bob’s and my bedroom crying uncontrollably over the loss of her dad. This adds to my sadness. I knew something was “brewing,” because she, more or less, regressed and didn’t talk much about her loss. It all erupted Tuesday evening. I’m relieved, though, that she was able to release the emotions that have built up over the past four months. All of this made me realize I’m not the only one who suffers. Her birthday is coming up (October 5th) and we will have another “first” without the man we love and respect so much. Will try to make it as special as I can.
Still going through home repairs. Seems never ending. A lot of the cabinets in the kitchen and bathrooms no longer open because most of them have been painted shut. I’ve never been through anything like this in my whole life. You think you’ve hired a reputable service and then comes the surprises. What have I gotten myself into? It’s truly a nightmare !
Hard to believe that summer is over and we are in the autumn season. I always looked forward to October, not only because it was the month my beautiful daughter was born, but the holidays were around the corner. Can’t imagine what the coming months will bring. Try not to think about it too much, but know it’s coming. Also, Bob’s birthday is in November (the 21st), yet another “first” to get through. I heard a phrase once….”When there’s no way out, go through it.” What else can we do?
I’ve missed all of you and would love to know how everyone is doing. As usual, I’m struggling, as is Rebecca. You don’t realize how much someone fills your life until it’s taken away. I still see my Bob walking into the kitchen asking if I’ve made sandwiches. He loved my tuna salad sandwiches. I haven’t made one since May 7th.
Again, I’d love to hear from all of you, as would everyone else. Remember, you’re my little bouquet of flowers I carry with me each day. Will check the site tomorrow. Going to rest for a bit.
Hope to hear from all of you soon….
Love,
“Mare”
Hello everybody,
I read all of the postings all the time. Hang in there. The ride do get easier in time with working on oneself and extending oneself out into the community, society and the world…in helping others. Then, there will be a completeness…there will be peace and love.
I know that my Barry would be so proud…our love is not lost and forgotten.
It is not easy…a struggle at times. But hold onto your faith of God. Spirituality is not easy work at all. Surround yourself with your allies , spiritual people and good energy. It will put the darkness at bay.
I hold all of you in the Light,
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Mary (Lotus Butterfly), I do surround myself with spiritual people and I feel it has helped me immensely. I have been given a lot of support and confidence to move forward and I find myself laughing a lot, even with my darling husband Steve.
Mare, how is your sister? did you find the mushrooms? I’m so sorry you are hurting for Rebecca too. Sounds like she really needed that breakdown as much as you needed her to have it too. What do you tell her? I’ll need to know for Ruby when she is older. She just started walking and she says Dadda, Dadda, Dad, Dad, Dad, smiling at his photos a lot.
Lori, I am with you on the good and bad. Although for me it’s not a full day, it’s a moment, and I am quite surprised how many people try to make me upset. Almost like they want to take me to a deep place so I can really work through the grief. Their sad eyes try to penetrate my soul and beg for me to give them an inner feeling. Karen you probably relate to that too. But they don’t realise how much work I have done, and how much I don’t want to cry at that moment. I was in fact hoping to have a laugh but everyone wants to talk about Steve. I am going to run away for 4-5 nights soon. Leave Ruby and get stuck in to some yoga and meditation. I am sick of indulging in everyone else’s need to grieve. I need peace and quiet.
Gerry, we care about you. When you are feeling that void, remember one of us is likely to be feeling the same at the same time. It might not help but hopefully you will know that on one level, you are definitely NOT alone.
Love from Hong Kong to all your special ladies. xx Kate
Hi all,
I totally get what Gerry is saying about that lonely space… even though you do stuff… I think our society has become quite self focused and that doesn’t help as no one seems to be open to relationships that would be appreciated by us singles.
I recently went on a holiday kind of outback to see a younger male friend with another mutual male friend – thought it would be nice to spend time with these guys who I feel very comfortable with, and it was good, but I still find I have times of “flat line” – acutely aware that Joe is absent and towards the end I started to have a bit of a melt down – just happens. Spoke again through the week to the mutual friend and started to talk about stuff, but the mutual friend told me that I stress ppl when I talk about anything negative…. I’m not a negative person – and I positively wish I had hit him. Instead I said “Okay, I wont share those things – but it means that our friendship is limited” – I don’t think he gets it and I keep thinking of the saying, “don’t throw your pearls to swine”
But why do I put up with ppl like him? because there is no one else.
But … very glad to have this website to vent.
Take care,
Niki
I’ve been keeping an eye on you all, but I’ve also been very busy with my studies. Still finding that hard to say.
I’m with Gerry, lonliness is the worst of it all. No matter how many people you surround yourself with, there is still one missing. Come back Gerry, vent as much as you need.
Love to you all, must get on. Strength and peace and love. The weekend is here again.
Normaxxxxxxxx
‘ :@
We always invited all kinds of friend over to our house. I never did anything that was for couples only. Sometimes I think people don’t want you around because they didn’t do anything for my husband or even visit him. They just wish sorrow would go away and they see me that way too right now like I am sorrow. But I am really not so I joke and talk to strangers just to laugh. I definitely understand that I am not the only one going through this but don’t you feel like the floor just fell out from under you. Right now I am obsessed with the thought I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.
I read these posts and its like you have read my heart word for word. It just plain sucks, not only do you lose your husband, but you lose your social network as well. I too was so obsessed with not spending the rest of my life alone. It was like I was forced into living alone and no one asked if this was what I wanted, so living alone and being single was forced upon me….I hated it, it was my prison!!! When I felt well enough to do so I started dating like a mad woman….trying to open these doors and make sure I wasnt gonna be alone, couldnt stand it. I even so desperately met a man from another state, he came and stayed with me for a week…..I couldnt stand it….wanted my space back!!! At that moment, I made the “Choice” to live alone and now it was forced and not an awful thing. I was free!!!! I have since stopped dating…dont need to fill that space anymore….I am okay with having my own space and being single. I miss my dear Lawrence like crazy…..God I ache for him and wish he were here, but I have learned how to “feel” him and “hear” him! He is with us, watching over us! My life has new meaning and I know it is the first step to accepting a life without him. I know this is something I have to do so my son can have a happy life as well as myself! Lawrence would want us to live and enjoy our remaining time here….I know it is not the end, its just another chapter, our bond is strong and I know he understands the journey I have went through since he was called home…..
A friend recently sent me a book (“Life after Loss” by Bob Deits) that helped her cope with losing her husband to pancreatic cancer, and thought it would help me adjust to losing mine to the same awful disease. I haven’t read the whole book yet, but what I have read is enough that I know I can recommend it to you all.
One thing it emphasizes is that there is no ‘right’ way to cope with grief…. whatever we need to do is alright. Each of us will cope in a different way. Whereas some of you do not want to be alone for the rest of your life, I’m asking our Lord to help me become a strong, independent woman who embraces living alone. This is totally opposite of my previous life, where I thrived on being ‘as one’ with my Don. It has been over two years since he died, and I am slowly creating that ‘new normal’ we all have to create. For me, it means enjoying living alone, and is often ‘one step forward, two steps back,’ but I’m getting there. Like Paula wrote, it makes all the difference when living alone is our choice, rather than something imposed upon us.
I guess you are right. There is no “right/wrong” way to grieve. We all just have to learn to be comfortable with ourselves. I know that being alone these last 6 months+ has given me a lot of time to think. I know I would rather be along than settle for or with someone. I feel, like I am sensing all of you feel, that I had the best and I am not settling. I know what it is like to be truly happy and I will not settle for less, because I am worth it. So, I guess what I am saying, is that now that I am alone, I am going to try to find some ways, even if little, to spoil myself.
Hugs ladies!
“I know I would rather be alone than settle for or with someone. I feel, like I am sensing all of you feel, that I had the best and I am not settling.” Exactly how I feel! Thanks for stating it so well, Karen.
Hello friends,
Everyone is on the same page in this forum. I cannot believe what I’m reading–like I wrote it myself! It is so comforting to me to know I have people who know what this is like! I feel like a bobblehead doll nodding to all the responses. Thank you Corinne–this forum is my life perserver!
Love, hugs and peace to all, Lori
Hi Everyone – I went through a mini depression over the last month so I just stopped checking email. Mark is still sick. Because he is a disable vet (shot in the abdomen in Desert Storm) he is on disability with medicare and medicaid. Although he became a clinical psychologist, he doesn’t want to begin to practice until he know what he has.
Yes. That’s what I said. The “top” doctors can’t definitively diagnose him. It’s such a sham. They racked up $90,000 in September with cat scans, pet scans, laproscopic camera through his intestines and tons of bloodwork. These idiots are taking advantage while they can with the government’s money. All he needed was to biopsy one or two of the lymph nodes, but they (Northwestern) wouldn’t because they “know” that it’s lymphoma. Yet they did not use the right combo of contrast on the ct scan and they said he had too much muscle to see the imaging on the pet scan. So pissed. We are now going to another hospital this month for the biopsies.
In the meantime, this man is expelling green vomit and can not eat. High temp (104) and is beaten up.
Anyway, hopefully UIC (Chicago) will get to the bottom of this and we can save him.
Love to all, Linda
Thank you all who are sharing your stories/feelings. My husband died last week and your stories help.
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..Trick-or-Treat Digital scrapbook page 8” x 8” =-.
Hi Debie. I was sorry to read that you lost your husband. I also lost mine. He passed on September the 29, 2010 from cancer. I feel like my heart is bleeding and I can’t stop it. May God place his arms around you and comfort you. I understand your pain.
Karen
Prayers for all just said. Sorry I’ve been doing more reading than writing but so much going on and so tired out. Griefshare ended and I am now going to a ladies Bible study at my cousins church on Thurs nites. I didn’t pick the Apples Of Gold one cuz it seemed more like for women who were married and how to be a good homemaker to them. I would feel so weirded out at that one. So I picked on about thoughts and lies.
The car goofed up on me one nite when I was gonna go to Grief share. I was terrified it was something really wrong. My mom took me too and from Griefshare. She called the car dealer to have them pick up and fix. Praise God, all that was wrong with it was the battery died and fortunately it was covered under warranty. No hubby for support on that one.
Griefshare starts back up sometime this month I think but I won’t be going cuz it’ll be the same time as the Tues am crocheting/knitting group at my cousins church and I don’t wanna miss that. I really enjoy going to the crocheting/knitting group. It gets my mind off of athings. A coupla other widows come to it too. Poor thing one of them is still having it rough having lost her hubby. Boy I feel for her. I miss Mike every day. I want him back and yet he can’t come back from heaven. When they get a night time Griefshare group back up, I’ll go again.
Our nephews wife told me they were having a birthday party for our little nephew and wanted me to come and they’d invite me come the time. Well my mom found out from Mikes brothers wife they had the party and I never knew about it. I know next time I see her she’ll ask why I didn’t come. Cuz they never told me when they were having it. Course I wouldn’t say that, I’d just say I wasn’t sure when they were supposed to have it. Well Mikes brother one day at church did tell me to come over and see the new nephew before he got too old. That was a surprise.
Every yr Mike & I would go to visit his sister and her family in Ohio and even after she passed a coupla yrs ago, we’d still go. On the way up we’d stop off at Hawks Nest State Park in WV a few days and enjoy it. My mom made plans for her and my dad and I to go last week. She had to cancel us out. Cuz she got an abcessed tooth and it made her feel bad. She went to he dentist and they did something to her and gave her meds for it. But she still felt too bad to go and the weather forecast for WV was for rain for the week. It was a dissapointment cuz I was so looking forward to going and then didn’t get to go. It’s not my moms fault I know it couldn’t be helped but still. Now that Mikes gone I’ll never get to go to Ohio or the reunion in KY again and it hurts. It’s too far for me to go alone and I have no one to go with me. My folks can’t go that far due to their age (80′s).
And if that wasn’t enough, the folks renting my house keep wanting to keep their dog in the house. My mom has been helping me with that. She told them it was in the contract not to have it in the house or to have bad breeds like pit bulls. They act all nice like yes’m we’ll keep it outta the house but what do they do but keep bringing the mutt back in. Sigh. This time they did it again and it was the last straw so they are gonna have to move out and we get new renters. This is causing stress on my mom. They should not be causing stress like that on my mom. And it’s bugging me too! In late Oct early Nov. my folks & I are supposed to go to Nags Head for 3 weeks. My mom said if the house isn’t rented by then then we probably won’t get to go. But do the renters realize they might keep me from going on my trip and cause my mom and I to have to look for new renters? And caused stress on my mom? I am not happy about this and esp if I lose my trip to Nags Head I am looking forward to. I could use prayers that is all works out good for my mom and I.
I heard Mikes and mines song on the 60′s channel on Sirius in my folks car. They have the Sirius free till Dec and after that my folks will not renew. Bummer cuz I love the 60′s channel. Anyhow they played Mikes and mines song which was I Love You More Today Than Yesterday by the Spiral Starecase. Made me cry. Anyway during the middle of the song a weird sound like emergency broadcast system came on for a minute in the middle of the song. I wonder if it was Mike trying to tell me something. Weird.
I still have those terrible nightmares about Mike. I dreamed for several weeks about him dyuing and coming back from the dead. At first in them I was upset cuz he was alive and never told me. Then the week after those few one nite I keept having nightmares all nite long where he came back from the dead but wanted to be with some other woman instead of me. Then I started having nightmares where he comes back from the dead but does not want to be with me but would rather be with other people. One nite I dreamed that Mike had a chance to come back from the dead but did not want to come back to me cuz he liked it in heaven better. Fri nite I had a nightmare where he came back from the dead and refused to be with me. I kept pleading with him to please come and be with me. The dream had dead grandma’s, aunts and uncles of mine in it and weird crazy dumb stupid stuff in it too. I wish the nightmares would stop. I would rather dream good stuff about Mike like we’re going places and doing things together. Sigh.
I feel so empty without him. I’ll be doing stuff I liek and having a nice time with friends but still deep inside I feel so empty without Mike. I’ll never ever get over him. The pain is too deep.
Hope everyone is doing okay. We’re here for ya…
Hi ladies, just wanted to check in. I am on a mini-vacation to see an old friend. Her husband passed away over 20 yrs ago & was Ed’s best friend. Since Ed died she has been a great support, we’ve talked on the phone most every night. I read all your postings & feel like you all are in my head. It’s been 10 mos today that I lost my heart. I too, hate being alone, but agree with you all I can’t settle. I’m not looking forward to the next few months, the holidays, the anniversary of his attack & death, all of our sons & my granddaughter’s birthday. I’ll put on a “happy face” then go home & cry. I have found though that some days are not completely horrible. There are some days that I can’t feel Ed at all then there are times when I’m convinced he is right beside me, I can sort of even feel his touch. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Well ladies we will all get through this. I’m not sure how, but I do know somehow we WILL!!! Cheryl, I love Nags Head! We rent a house down there every fall for a week. We get a different house every year & have loved them all. The only thing we make sure is that the house is oceanfront. I love watching the dolphins in the morning. This year we decided not to go. The boys just weren’t up for it without their dad, but the oldest is already talking about planning the trip for next year. I really hope you get to go this year, Cheryl & if you do say hi to the dolphins for me. Well ladies take care of yourselves, I’ll be back on soon.
Hello friends, How was everyone’s weekend? Since weekends are a lonely place, I filled it with chores–laundry, cleaning, raking, cleaning gutters, painting, a hockey game and yes–I cooked Sunday dinner. I was inspired to do so by all of you. Now it is Monday and I am having a very sad day. Oh well, it is what it is. I know all of you know what I mean.
Love, hugs & peace, Lori
Sorry you had a sad Monday Lori but good on you for cooking Sunday dinner. I said nothing but I wanted to encourage you.
I am off.. yep. I have had enough of people, sympathy and my mobile phone. I send so many sms’s to communicate with friends and family that I don’t even know whether I sent one or not. I am flying to Thailand tomorrow. Leaving ruby with my lovely mum for 4-5 days and am going to do yoga, meditate, see a counsellor, a chinese doctor who helped me get pregnant and stare at the sea. It might sounds lonely but I just cannot wait. I might regret the peace and quiet but I feel so well supported. I am going to a place where Steve sent me when he was busy working through Easter 2007. Somehow I fell he is taking me back again to heal. I was about to say “I wish he was with me” but I am getting beyond those comments. He will not be with me (perhaps in spirit) and I have begu to face it and deal with it. Maybe solitude will change me. Maybe I’ll go deeper than I have before. Maybe I will freak out. Maybe I am just about to find out what it’s really like to have lost my husband. I am not sure but I am not going to deny myself the opportunity to grow.
See you all next week with a full report.
Light and love and laughter for you all. Kate x
My prayers are with you, Kate. I am looking forward to reading your “full report” when you return.
Jeanine
Kate, Let us know how it all turns out for you. Maybe that’s just what I need.
Love, Lori
Hello, dear friends….
It was daughter, Rebecca’s birthday yesterday. She had told me the day before she was not going to celebrate her birthday without her dad and to forget any celebration planned. Needless to say, it was much worse than I expected.. Things aren’t bad enough with losing your life partner and then you have to witness your children’s grief. This “first” held true to its anticipation. It was AWFUL.
On October 7th, it will be five months since I lost the love of my life. Honestly, it hasn’t gotten any easier…. the struggle continues. Sometimes, I wish it were a year from now and maybe I won’t feel as bad as I do currently. It’s so difficult adjusting to life without him. He was so much a part of it.
I’m preoccupied during the day with a lot of home repairs and the everyday duties that have to be done, but those late evening hours catch up to you. Then come the flashbacks….those haunting memories of his illness and the end result. I MISS HIM. How do you mend the broken heart that’s left behind? What do you fill the emptiness with? I read something awhile back….”We used to walk together; now I walk alone. That pretty well sums it up. Not only doing what you used to do as a couple, but now being responsible for his contributions, and there were many.
All your contributions help me cope. Please keep posting. I come here every day to see how everyone is doing. .
Love,
“Mare”
I am working on 7 months. I still have bad days. I envy couples when I go out and long to be with him again. I busy myself with “things”. Thank goodness for work; but it is tough to concentrate and I have to work VERY hard to stay focused. Some folks at work don’t understand and it is tough dealing with them also. It is just plain exhausting to put it mildly. I long to be happy and somewhat carefree again; but, I guess it will come. I don’t have any answers – wish I did, so that I could help myself.
Karen
Hello friends, The grief I struggle with is much worse when I factor in our children’s grief. Hands down that is the hardest part for me. Mare, I completely understand. The children’s birthdays were a very tough first.
Karen, I have also found some people just don’t get it and believe we will simply get over it. I personally, will never get over it–of course it will be easier to cope as time progresses, but I will never, ever get over losing the love of my life.
Love, Lori
Hello All
Its been 4 months for me and will make 5 months on the 24th of this month and on top of that this is my hubby’s b-day on the 19th is —or rather would have been my sweeties 45th b-day (oh WOW) not looking forward to that…already I have “well meaning” friends calling me asking me what am I going to do?….I’m not sure if they are expecting me to have a party or what?….each year we would celebrate our birthdays all month long (great fun when he was here but now : -(
Before this month came I was feeling OK…getting by and not crying so much…now I feel like I feel like i haven’t progressed at all.
its like a dark cloud is following me and I can’t get rid of it.. but I’m being more proactive in how I deal with this “dark cloud” and
to combat this feeling I have made several plans for the upcoming holidays…Thanksgiving & XMAS is usually at our house so I’ve decided that for Thanksgiving we will dine with others and for Xmas we will take a ski vacation… since we live in TX this will be a “treat” for us to finally see & feel some real snow…
hopefully with something “exciting planned” I can make it through the rest of the holidays.
Mare, Lori, Karen
I know how you feel and I know we all wish we could bring them back but since we can’t we have to go on; live our lives and try to be happy again. I know it is hard but nothing ever worthwhile is….I trust that God will keep each and every one of you so that you find peace & comfort as you struggle with what life has dealt us.
Hugs & kisses
Jeanie B
Hello friends, Jeanie B. I know exactly how you are feeling. June was awful for me because it was our anniversary, his birthday and 6 months of being without him. It was the hardest month to go through so far (not looking forward to December–it will be 1 year 6 days before Christmas day). It was a bit of a blur.
How many times a week are you asked “how are you doing?” and prompted with the statement, “I just can’t imagine”? Too many for me. I’m doing the best I can, but I tell those that inquire I am doing ok. I never respond with words to their statement of “I just can’t imagine” but I want to scream sometimes, “that’s because it’s unimaginable! You are just happy you are not in my shoes aren’t you!” I would never say that however. I know they mean well, they really do. People just don’t know what to say.
That was a bit of random babble….
Love & Hugs, Lori
My Mikes bd was in June too and we got married in June too. I used to tell him he got me as a birthday present…
Lori, Have you ever gotten “I know exactly how you feel”? None of them have lost a husband. They have lost parents & siblings. I don’t mean to lessen their hurt, but it IS different. I’m 55 yrs old, I’ve lost a lot of close people. Your life changes every time you lose a person & you Do cry a lot. But when you lose a husband NOTHING is the same. The only ones that know “exactly” what we are feeling are those in the “club”. I sometime just want to scream!!! A woman in my grief support group said “I’m not Cheryl anymore, I’m Cheryl & Andy.” I never realized how much Ed did until he was gone. While I was on my mini-vacation last week I bought a car. A used car but a car none the less. I’ve never done that on my own before! Now I have to get the old one ready to sell. When I do get rid of it I know I’ll cry. Ed & I loved that car but… I am already dreading the next few months. The anniversary of our “lasts” (thanksgiving, black friday, our last time together as a family) then that terrible 6 days Nov 28-Dec 4th. I also think people feel that since it’s been over 10 months & since I put on a happy face that I should be “over it”. First of all I don’t want to be the person that brings everyone down & honestly I really want to enjoy life again. But I should be “over it”?!!!! Excuse me folks I was with the man for nearly 30 yrs – No I’m not “over” it I may never be over it. I will learn how to deal with it better but OVER it?!!! I really do like this sight, I can vent then go out & not scream at those people who “know exactly how I feel”. And ladies for those of you who pray could you say a little prayer for a woman who I ran into last week whose husband is seriously ill. She is very scared that she’s going to loose him & she may. He’s the brother of the woman I went to see & they are a really nice couple. We don’t need another woman in this “club” of ours. Thank you all.
Love to everyone
Mary
Hello dear ladies
I am writing after a long time. I thought I was getting better, and I am stronger, but it doesn’t seem to be so even after one year and almost ten months my heart is aching so much. I still wish I could wake up from this nightmare. Thank you for letting me pour out my heart.
Love and blessings to all!!!
Zulaifa
Hello Ladies
Zulaifa… I think we all have those days where we are doing fine then all of a sudden a song, a thought, a smell or even a memory flashes across our mind and WHAM…back in “black hole” again.. I’ve had days and even weeks where I am doing OK being that it has only been 4 months…(5 months on the 24th) and I think some months are especially hard when its a birthday or anniversary or any special moment we shared with our love one.
So take comfort in the fact that you are getting better but we all have “days”.
I know sometimes i just wake up feeling sad and alone and wishing my sweetie was here but he’s not and life still goes on.
I pray for each of you as I pray for myself that we continue to grow stronger day by day.
Hugs and Kisses
Jeanie B.
Hello beautiful ladies,
First, Zulaifa it is so nice to hear from you again. We missed you. You have a group of friends right here to help you.
Mary, Thank you, thank you for validating my feelings. It will be 10 months on the 19th and yes, people do see you putting on that “happy face” and thinking you are doing ok. There is a woman in town that lost her husband in July, he was only 42. She has 2 young children 9 & 5. I asked another sports mom how she was doing because she is her neighbor. The response was, “she seems ok!” I wanted to say, “oh, no she isn’t, she is putting on her “game face” for everyone, but I know for a fact this woman is not ok.” I didn’t respond, just nodded at her and thought you people have no clue. Losing your husband is completely different. I feel so alone and somewhat guilty I am experiencing things that my husband isn’t here to share them. Thinking forward to things makes me sad, living in the now helps me get through the day.
Love & hugs to all,
Lori
Hello, to all my friends.
I look forward to reading your posts each and every day. I haven’t been posting as much recently because I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but things feel the same for me….one big empty black hole.
October 7th……five long months without my Bob. I, too, didn’t realize all the things he did here until I’ve had to assume those responsibilities. Like Mary, I’ve sold our old mini-van and bought a newer used one. Dreading those upcoming holiday “firsts,” as well. I don’t think we ever will get “over it.” Our husbands were so much a part of our lives and well being. I was sitting in the living room yesterday looking at the fireplace mantle (his final resting place) reminiscing our 32 years together. So many memories and no new ones to be made.
My heart goes out to all of you going through this transition. I don’t know what the outcome for me will be. I wander through each day doing what has to be tended to; he never leaves my mind for a second. This is a void I can’t fill in and don’t want to. We had a great life together; we were happy and content. I woke up to him every morning and fell asleep with him every night. All of us now wake up differently.
Mary’s so right….When you lose a husband, NOTHING is the same.
Yes, we are members of a very exclusive “club.” No membership fees for this one, just love and understanding.
None of us are alone on this journey.
“Mare”
Hi everybody,
It has been two years and nine months for me now. As I stuggle and bumping into rough times with work, I cry because I should not be there anymore. That is when I feel that my Barry left me behind. The past two weeks have been very rough to deal with at work.
Barry and I had made plans for a future and it all crashed over the cliff.
Luckly, I have support from my spiritual family and community. Thru my Ministry classes, I am working very hard to make a change in my life oneday…where I do not have to work for anyone and answering to the system. I hope that oneday, I can make the big shift and do spiritual work to help others and earn money to live on in another way, which would be more peaceful.
People say just quit the job, but how would I pay rent and bills, then. I do not want to go somewhere else and work…those places have problems and their issues, also. So, I have to figure a way to earn money and do spiritual work. At least it gives me a goal to work for.
I am an Ordained Reverend in the State of Florida. Hopefull, with God’s will…things will fall into place. I can only take one step at a time.
I do not think one get over it. It might just get a little easier to bear and not miss so much. My Barry will always with me.
Peace and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi everyone,
I’m back. It’s 6 months for me tomorrow. Steve’s family arranged a blessing at his grave with their Greek Orthodox priest on Saturday and their Sunday church service focussed on him, after which his mum entertained 45 friends and relatives. I felt ok being in Thailand, but also removed from a weekend that was all about Steve in Melbourne. I knew they were missing me but I also knew I had to be alone. On Saturday night in Thailand, at the health spa where I was staying, they had a lantern ceremony. We all headed to the beach out in front of the resort and we each released a huge lantern, filled with hot air and a flame, with a personal message tied to it. It was beautiful. My first attempt ditched in to the sea, which kind of made me laugh, thinking Steve had a hand in that. But I blew my lantern kisses as it took up in to the starry sky and over a cliff top hoping it would reach my gorgeous Steve, the love of my life.
I spent my time doing yoga each morning, plus some massages and sessions with a chinese doctor who, through accupuncture, is helping my aches, pains and weight loss, not to mention draining my lungs and heart of sadness. He helped me get pregnant so it was special to see him, but also so sad telling him and other staff that since I saw them three years ago, I have been married, had a beautiful baby girl and then lost the man of my dreams. Their love and care was special. They refrained themselves from gushing silly comments of support and said meaningful and sweet things. Everyone of course says that God and our Ruby will give me strength. But I sense Steve is giving me a lot too.
I spent an afternoon on my balcony reading everything I wrote about Steve when I was there in 2007. It reminded me just how passionately and madly we fell for each other. He wrote things that, back then, brought tears to my eyes, and vice versa, but re-reading them sent me in to a spiral. I was on the bed moaning until I slept. I felt so much better having done it. I think my problem is that I have not had enough time to just think about Steve.
I can highly recommend the place. You are very anonymous. If that’s what you want. They have lovely therapists too. I did an interesting technique called NLP and did some tapping.
If any of you are interested in a decent break to clear your mind and feel the warm breeze and listen to palm trees sway and know that others there are all there for a reason too, while eating only healthy food and staring at the sea take a look at http://www.kamalaya.com
I also read Corrine’s book, which was excellent reading. It touched so many buttons and is so well written. Corrine you are very clever and the most amazing mother. Let alone wife! Julie was a lucky man.
I started another book called A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. He lost a daughter, his wife and his mother in a car accident. He was driving. A drink driver hit their car. His journey and his reflections are so meaningful as well. I highly recommend that too.
I have to fly but Lori, yes, I know what you mean about feeling guilty when experiencing new things. Steve never went to Kamalaya. He sent me there to spoil me while he worked in the factories. How I wish I had dragged him back. There I was again, being spoilt and nurtured and I only wished it could have been Steve receiving all that care and love.
Love you all lots, Kate
How long does one have to get the Pension transferred, the life insurance policy in place, the house transferred into the widows name, etc. Does everything have to be done within a month or within a year? Please advise. I’m at a loss.
Debie P & Karen S,
Sorry I just went back and read your posts. I am so very sorry for you both. You are probably still in a fog or haze. Let it pass, don’t fight it. Take your time. I know the aching. Of course the flashbacks are different but the pain from the loss is immense. Take it hour by hour. Know that time is your friend, and so are we. I gained so much strength from this site in my first two months in particular. I still do of course but initially I woke up to it and went to sleep checking in to this site, and writing almost daily. Knowing that so many beautiful women shared my pain and grief was more comforting than any words that caring family and friends could say, despite their best intentions. My friends practical actions were also high on the helpful list. Surround yourself with people you truly trust and respect. Ask for help, even if you think you can cope.
In 5.5 hours my darling husband Steve died 6 months ago, unexpectedly from a stomach virus that attacked his heart overnight. Sometimes I still can’t believe this has happened to me. Most of the time I am just getting on with it and making a life for our 16m/o daughter. She is my “why”.
We are all here for you. We all dump, vent and share so keep reading. There is no other site like this one, thanks to Corrine.
I never ever thought I would be in this situation at 42 y/o but here I am and I thank every single woman who has posted here for giving me the perspective I needed to get on with living. I truly hope we can all help you through the frightening moments and provide you with a safe place to drop in to.
Love Kate
Yes, this site has been a Godsent. It will be 7 months since Paul’s unexpected passing. I, like all of you, are dreading the holidays. The songs, prep and then the celebrating the holidays. It just doesn’t seem the same. His birthday is Dec. 2nd. Last year for his 60th I took him away for a special weekend, just the two of us. At the time I didn’t know he was feeling as bad as he was and just thought he wasn’t enjoying the get -a-way. He just wasn’t his chipper self. He had a habit of hiding the truth from me when it came to his health. This year his boss is doing a memorial tribute to Paul on his birthday and they are putting a plaque in the hallway of their office. This is a very special thing that they are doing. I have not gone to his office since before his passing and I still need to pick up his personal effects from their. So many hard things to do!! I can’t believe that I am over half way to a year! It doesn’t seem possible. I still miss his touch, his smell, his voice and his laugh! Hang in there ladies I will need you through the holiday.
Hugs,
Karen
Welcome Ladies, stay and chat for a while. You wont find all the answers here, but you will find, love, strength and support.
Chucking my h’penny in. What pisses me off, are the women who say I know how you feel. ‘Is that because your husband has died?’, no I’ve just got divorced/separated.
How the hell is that the same as knowing how I feel? Are you insane?
Been feeling rough for a while, but busy with college. Its not long now until its been a year. A whole bloody year without my mum or my husband and I just feel like it will never end.
Love to you all
Nx
Nx – you are right. A lot of women who get/got divorced have said the same to me. I have been divorced also and IT IS VERY different. I even had one woman from work who was divorced have the nerve show up at one of my group grief sessions and say it was the same! I couldn’t believe it.
Hang in there. I am trying to weather the storm. Some days are truly rough and lonely. I wish I had answers. I have some supposed well-meaning folks at work tell me that it will take “years” til I feel okay. So helpful.
Thank you, ladies, for your continued support!
Karen
My husband died 2 years ago from cancer. My whole world has been upside down ever since. I’m only 26. There is no support where I live. My days are dark and lonely. I have read every self-help book dealing with depression, death, lonelyness, you name it. But at the end of the day I’m still the same, missing my husband and having to go to bed without him, again.
Hi Everyone
I still read the posts since a year ago when I joined but I do not write as much. It has been a year and 2 months since my belowved Husband Steven passed away of Sudden Cardiac Arrest. I still replay that night in my head, the suddeness and shock of it all still haunts me. I miss him so very much as does our daughter who is now 10. I still get mad and struggle with never having the chance to say goodbye. If I had one wish it would be for another hour with my Steven, to tell him all those things I never got to say and that is the hardest part. I just always thought people would get sick and you would have time to do all of those things, sudden death is so unfair…so different. In talking with some really spiritual support people it intrigues me on how some have such strong faith. To honestly believe that earthly death is the best thing that will ever happen to us. That God loves all of his creations, and one day we all meet in a perfect place free of pain, suffering, hurt, sin and sorrow. All addictions, disease, afflictions are removed and we become blissful, something that is just not possible on earth. So how do we really know that dying an Earthly death is not the best thing that will ever happen to us- we don’t know that, but those with strong faith and hope radiate this promise of everlasting life and those are the people we need to surround ourselves with. I have become one of those people this last year and so I pop in to let all of you know this. I have always been religious and spiritual, but this “tragedy” that happened before my very eyes has transformed my soul into honestly walking this earth, knowing with a very high sense of predictability, that are loved ones are in a better place. It is us who are left to linger on Earth (and suffer the loss) and fumble our way to understanding what exactly we should be doing from day to day? We come into this world with nothing, and we leave with nothing. It is what we do in-between those days that counts so we need to LOVE and support one another and share all of the compassion our Losses have created within us in order to help others. Yes I still hurt, and I am profoundly lonely, but I tell you that with Faith I know in my Heart and Soul that God took my Stevens hand, untimely as it was FOR A REASON. I still do not know that reason, and someday it will be revealed to me, but for now I must accept that God Loves all of his creations and he does not make mistakes. So in closing I just wanted to say to all that are old and new on the site, I really appreciate all of your Love and Support that you have given me this last year. This shattering pain that I have felt, is pain you all have felt, and I am not alone. We are not alone.
God Bless
Denise
well i think i belong with you ladies here on this site.. Hello, My name is stephanie davis and i lost my husband January 21, 2010. He died in my arms that night from a brain anurism. He was 39 yrs of age. I am and just turned 38. It was the worst night of my life. We never saw it coming and so quickly he was taken from me.
I couldnt sleep again tonight, it is 430 in the morning in omaha, neb. right now. I have a hard time sleeping ever since dan left me. So i thought i would get up and surf the web for maybe something to read about and maybe some one who can understand what im going through… and i found this site here.. I have to say that i just lost it when i read some of these stories. I know what your going through and how badly you hurt and feel lost and empty. I have to say that Denise , your story and situation and feelings are very similiar to mine.. I have a hard time doing anything with out him it seems like. I miss him so much it hurts so bad to think about even now just sitting here writing about it. I dont understand why God had to take him. And under those circumstances and so damn fast. No warning, no time to prepare, not a single sign..Just gone!!!!!!!why why why???? He had so much left to do, a wife and young children, why not some one old and wanting to go or a menice to our society..( a drug dealer.,,ect..)why my husband, a father , a uncle , a brother, a cousin, a son, and a hard and honest worker and a good faithful man.? Im angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so thankful for this site. Before I found it, I thought that I was so abnormal, but after reading all the comments, I know I am ‘one of the club’. It’s been over a year since my dear Louie fell over on the kitchen floor before I was even out of bed…a massive heart attack. He had been doctoring for years, and always told me that I didn’t know how he felt, and that I just didn’t want to accept that one day I would be alone. I guess he was right, as so often he was. It was the third marriage for both of us, and as they say, “the third one is a charm”, and that he was. We had 27 wonderful years together, and I think that is what hurts the most…that there will be no more of those ‘wonderful years’. Like many people say, “get over it, get on with your life”. Only the people that I read about on here understand that it’s not that easy. We did EVERYTHING together, whether it was working on our apartment house together, or going for a ride in the country, or watching the news………EVERYTHING! Now that EVERYTHING is gone, and it seems everyone thinks my life should go on as before. Why can’t people understand?? I know they mean well, but they just don’t know until you go through it. I am so THANKFUL for this site, to know that I am not alone, that I am having normal feelings, and that it WON’T be the same, even after a year. Like many, my husband handled all the bills and paperwork, and I’ve learned to do so much the last year–not all of it good, but I’ve learned.
I’m lucky to have a very supportive family around me, but it’s just not the same; they too, don’t understand because none of them have gone through losing their spouse.
I am so thankful for this site and all of you on it. You don’t know what a comfort it is to hear that I really am NOT alone…..there are many of us out there, all going through the same pains, and loneliness.
God bless all of you, and we WILL make it.
Rose
Hello to Denise and everybody on this site,
Yes, it is about faith, believing in ourselves and being into our own being. My Barry saw me…as I had seen him. Barry and I gave each other such powerful gifts. I would not be where I am today at all, into my own personal power. I would have follow Barry and being quiet.
I still cry…because of the deep love that we carry. I release my Barry…so that he can be a free spirit that he is.
But, now I realized the wonderful moments of life. I carried on the dreams…I am a Reverend in spirituality and I just made another accomplishment…I am a Usui Reiki Master.
I pray for Archangle Michael and Archangle Gabriel to protect me and guide me. I pray to God for guidance and to keep the purity of my heart. I pray for peace, comfort and love for all of you on this site.
Love and Light,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Denise, wow, I too, wish I could have had just a couple minutes with Ed to tell him everything he already knew, or maybe something profound. After his 1st stroke I honestly thought he’d be coming home that day, then in the ER I knew it was worse than I originally thought, but I still thought he’d be home in a few days. I made jokes with him & he laughed, then within hrs he slipped into his coma, 6 days later he was gone. You are soooo right when you say sudden death is unfair. I talked to him in those 6 days & did say a lot of things, but I have to be honest with myself, he probobly didn’t hear me, his brain was gone by then. You ladies are the only ones that really understand what I am feeling. The last few weeks haven’t been bad, I thought I’d at least gotten myself somewhat together. Then the last few days happened. I had trouble with my new/used car & was stranded on one of the busiest intersections in town. I couldn’t get in touch with any of our sons, it was horrid. Now the car is back & even though the mechanic says all is well I am very afriad to drive. Ed was going to put on a new roof on the house this past spring, needless to say it didn’t happen. SO after our recent storms it has started to leak. I can’t afford for someone to come & do it,& have no idea what to do. For the first time I’ve gotten mad at him for leaving me with all this, then I get mad at myself for getting mad at him… I wish I had the faith that some of you do. I really want to believe he is looking after me & with all those close people we’ve lost in years past. Sometimes I feel like he really is here with me, not just in my heart, but really here. Ed & I were like all of you, more than just husband & wife, he was my best friend, my rock, my soul mate & a REALLY NICE guy. If God does have a reason for all this I still don’t understand. Why take the good ones? There are men out there that abuse their wives & kids & they live to be very old. I know there are no answers to this, I just needed once again to vent & feel sorry for myself today. Somehow deep down inside I know we’ll all be ok someday, I’m just not sure when that will be. I just keep going back to what one of you said a while ago, if there is a heaven do we really want to meet our husbands someday & say that our lives ended when they left? I know Ed would be very dissappointed in me, he always said I was a strong woman. We’ve got to make it through if not for ourselves, but for them. Thanks for allowing me to once again vent ladies.
Mary
Hello friends, Rosetta and Marlee we welcome you with big hugs and open arms. Feel free to say what you feel anytime. We listen and know what you are feeling.
Denise–welcome back! I was very excited to see your post. I know what you are saying and I believe that too. I honestly think God took my husband because he “got life” and learned what he needed to learn here and has work to do “there” now. That doesn’t mean I am happy about it. I am not one to question Him either, but I figure He has big shoulders and was probably expecting me to be upset with Him. I would love to know what I am suppose to learn from this, what a 9 year old (and our other children) are suppose to learn from this, what our 1 year old granddaughter is suppose to learn from this. Where is God when we are all hurting and so sad? Why would He take a dad away from his children/grandchildren. This is what makes me the most sad and confused.
Oh Boy Mary do I echo your sentiments! I struggle with my new normal of figuring it all out by myself and wonder each and every day why the good ones go before the sex offenders, wife abusers, etc. I DO NOT GET THAT!
Karen, I cannot stand it when divorce is compared to death. Those people are fools to believe it is the same thing. I have not been divorced, but I am smart enough to know divorce is a choice and death is not. We all did not choose to be alone and loose the loves of our lives. It was thrust upon us without our say. Not the same thing.
I’m hanging in there, but struggling all the same. I miss him so, so much.
Love & Hugs, Lori
To be honest I think it depends on the divorce. It’s not always a choice. If I woke up one day and my husband told me he was in love with someone else and leaving me (or had been having affairs our entire marriage, which has happened to my friend) I think the shock would be horrendous, and the rejection would be a major slap in the face on the way out.
I know there is one lady who reads this site who found out after her husband died that he had a mistress and that is a truly confusing twist to the grieving process. But most of us knew our husbands adored us and we adored them, so we can mourn them with dignity.
Of course there are people who want divorce when their relationship breaks down and they really can’t compare their loss to ours, but many of them are mourning a marriage that didn’t work. The have lost their dreams too. Some of them have to suffer while their partner parades a happy new life in front of them. They get bitter and twisted and can hate the opposite sex. The kids can favour the bad guy etc. Divorce can’t be compared because it can be equally as devastating, but different.
I have not had anyone say it to me, and God help them if they did, but I do sometimes think that I am suffering a more dignified loss than the loss some divorces create. I will proudly and pleasingly tell my husband’s children about him until the day I die. Some children walk this earth knowing there is a parent out there who doesn’t want to see them.
Denise, you and I both had Steve’s who had sudden cardiac arrests. I seem to have adjusted to day to day life without my Steve. I too feel he was taken for a reason. I think he was too gentle. He was an angel. He had worked hard enough, he’d been hurt and stressed enough in his 40 years. He’ll do a better job looking after us from above perhaps. It doesn’t make it easier but it makes it bearable. As I have said before, I think the hard part for me is yet to come, when my daughter is old enough to know she is different to most kids at school.
Night all and love always. Kate
Hello Ladies
I’ve been reading your post for about 6 months now & i have wanted to respond and comment but certain items of my wife’s death led me to hold back. One lady in particulary since it was mentioned here a couple of months ago but it has been re-visited so I thought i would make a few things known…
WHy i didn’t say anything about my wife’s death is b/cause she died of SCA (sudden cardiac arrest) and I was at the time with my mistress…no i am no longer with her the guilt has and still is overwhelming to know that my wife died when i should have been home.. I just wanted KATE to know that it DOES NOT mean that I didn’t love my wife be/cause I did i can sit & try to explain but thats not what I wanted to convey… I wanted to let her know that the other women (i think there were 2 of them…one died while with his mistress and the other found out after finding letters that were given to her by his office) anyway…Karen your words seems to me that you feel that these women should not mourn their husbands b/cause the rest of you feel like you knew your husbands “adored you so and you them so now you can mourn them with dignity”
As a man i can’t speak for these ladies husband but the fact that we cheated has NOTHING to do with our wives its ALL about us. wont go into details but I had to respond to let these ladies know if they happen to read Karen’s post that YOU MUST KNOW YOUR HUSBANDS LOVED YOU… grieve with the knowledge that if they could tell you one last time they love you… I know b/cause if the situation had been reveresed & it was i who had died I would have wanted my wife to know that i love her and I am truly,truly sorry,
Karen I may have read your post incorrectly and if i did then i apologize but that line just had me reliving the pain and hurt i caused bcause of my selfishness and i would want my wife to know that despite all of the circumstance she was the one I loved and one lady :LOVed the analogy of the burger and steak comparison,.,,.and so true
Twitter: miraclady
October 19, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Dear Matt -
Your comment is of utmost importance. It must have been difficult to write.
I personally thank you for all the widows you have helped here.
Wonder if you know how vital your thoughts are.
Love,
Corinne
Today was a confusing day emotionally for me. My son with the two grandchildren (2-1/2 and 3-1/2) who is alone with them because his wife left him was having a hard day with the kids as he has a toothache and was in a foul mood. I help with them 4 days a week (Wednesday evenings, Friday evenings, most of Saturday and Sunday) I had a friend ask (whose husband died last December) if I wanted to go for a bike ride and walk through our little town. It was such a beautiful day, I said yes. Before I went my son called needing something and the kids were running around in the background. I guess I sounded a little disappointed that he was asking me over again when I had one day to do something good for myself. He got angry with me cause i was doing something. My friend said I should back off.
Then I went to my younger son’s for dinner. He had picked up Pauls belonging from his office. That was harder seeing than I thought. I am so angry with Paul for leaving me in the middle of t his mess. I feel so trapped sometimes like the walls are closing in. My parents, mostly my mother, feel I should be helping my son out as much as possible as he is having such a hard time. So not fair! I hate my life right now!!!
Sorry for venting I just had to get it off my chest.
Karen
Hello friends,
I agree and understand what you are saying Kate concerning how some marriages may end, but divorce, in my opinion, is still a choice. Someone–the husband or wife–is choosing to leave the relationship no matter what the circumstances. I believe they do mourn what dreams they may have had and I also believe (because I have witnessed it first-hand) the bitterness that can destroy people too. We are in a whole different situation.
My husband also died of sudden cardiac arrest and I wasn’t able to say goodbye to him either. I had actually just hung up the phone with him and he was absolutely fine. I drove in the driveway which was about 2-3 min. away from where I was when we last spoke and walked in the door to find him struggling. I honestly thought he was having a stroke. Everything was so sudden. I still think about that whole day and what I could have done differently.
Love & hugs,
Lori
Hi Stephanie, welcome!
you’ve found us at last, what took you so long? Here we listen, we talk, we vent, we get angry, we get sad, we get happy, but above all we get together and share.
Come back and see us, we’d love to get to know you and who knows we might learn something from each other.
Strength and love to you.
Much love
Normaxxx
Norma: I have e-mailed you and had no response. Perhaps you didn’t get my e-mail? Love, Terre
Hello friends, Welcome Matt–a man’s perspective is always insightful. Thank you for sharing. I am curious if you have children you are raising. Would you mind sharing your views on losing your wife? I think I could learn something from you. I am overwhelmingly heartbroken and sad and raising 2 younger children (15 & 9). We have 2 older children also (25 & 23) who are just as heartbroken as the younger ones. I miss my husband more and more each day. Today marks 10 months.
Love & hugs to all,
Lori
Hi Lori, I suppose what I mean is if I was on the receiving end of the break-up and it came as a complete surprise the shock would be bad enough and the loss, let alone watching him happily sliding into a new life, leaving me with the pieces to pick up, a nasty court case, possibly a custody battle etc. Missing my husband is extreme, but at least I don’t have the hate and bitterness threaded through each day. I just hate Steve for leaving me!! Not really, but I am having those feelings of disappointment like he has gone to the better place and left me to struggle. Left me because his job was done on earth. Because he knew I would survive. I feel he left me with second best. Maybe it is helping me in some way because today I thought, well if this is what he has left me with, I am going to do whatever I want. I am going to live completely by my code now, and if he is guiding me great, but I am not going to think “well Steve would have done it that way, so I should”. I am going to make choices that I believe in, and just hope that he is making them with me.
Matt I don’t mean to upset me. I wasn’t sure if you meant me or Karen. I am just one novice with loss. I am learning fast that so many people are suffering from loss on one level or another. I avoid judging as much as possible and I certainly don’t judge you for what you did. You had your reasons. It’s such a sensitive topic we are all discussing. I just hope we can all find a way to bring some carefree behaviour back in to our lives. I know when I drive a car fast with good loud music and my daughter laughing at me in the back I get as close to feeling like the old Kate as ever. I don’t care what people think of me, because they’ll never understand my mix of emotions anyway. And I also know that behind every face is a level of pain, it just takes the brave ones to talk about it.
Karen, can I ask if you have seen a bereavement counsellor? You definitely need to carve out some time for yourself. You are so giving and it’s time to give back to yourself. It might feel nasty at first, but your kids and grandkids will respect your boundaries over time and you’ll feel better on so many levels. Your parents… well, we all know they have different opinions to us but did they lose their partner? Put a weekly bike ride in your diary. You’ll start smiling more with that wind in your hair! I really hope you can.
Love Kate
Matt, sorry I meant ” I don’t mean to upset you ” (it’s not ALL about me).
Welcome Matt! Sorry couldn’t resist.
As it’s been said, although it’s a “Widow’s” site, please feel welcome here. Another point of view is useful.
Have you ever asked yourself, if you would really have been at home that day? Or would you have been out doing things with a buddy, or even work? It’s natural to feel guilt, and even here, we feel a little guilty even those who were with their husbands when he died. It’s easy to punish yourself and not so easy to forgive. But truly, what can you do about it now?
Thanks for sharing – it was me by the way, who gave the steak/burger analogy. Me and Martin used to talk about it all the time, and knowing how my parents lived when they were together, it’s true, a burger is nice sometimes, but coming home for steak is always best. You will find your steak again, but perhaps you might think twice about nipping out for burger!
Love and strength to you.
Much love
Normaxxx
Norma: Still not hearing from you. Has your e-mail changed since moving in with your Dad? Trying to connect with you but not getting response. Love, Terre
Prayers just said for all. I could use some prayers and good vibes.m The folks renting my home are moving out (long story there) and it looks like some new renters are moving in. The woman wants to use my storage bldg I have behind my house to store some of my stuff in. My mom is taking care of renting it for me. Well the woman was asking my mom when could I move my stuff out. YUCK! I have some stuff in there that I cannot get rid of and means the world to me. Some of the stuff I have in there is photo albums of Mikes family and pics of Mike are in there. There are some of my record albums in there, some scrapbooks of some of my stars , some fanzines of some of my stars, and a trunk with some books and magazines of some of my stars in it. I’m afraid if I have to move the stuff outta there that my mom isn’t gonna want me putting the photo albums, trunk, records and fanzines in her attics. If I lose that stuff I will have a huge meltdown. It’s bad enough I lost alot of my stuff when Mike passed due to it accidnetally going to auction when it wasn’t supposed to or accidentally getting thrown out. Sorry to vent but this is worrying me. Surely my mom could put up with one trunk, a few boxes of record albums, and a box with some fanzines and photo albums in it in her attic. But you know what a neat freak she is and how she doesn’t save anything. Not a bit sentimental her, I bet lol. When ya lose a hubby, you lose your life too. Sigh… So sorry to vent. Hugs to all…
Hello friends,
Kate I agree with what you are saying completely. I can see how that would trigger the same emotions.
Cheryl, do not get rid of anything you are not ready to get rid of! Those others can just “stick it”. You should not feel pressure to do anything with Mike’s things that you do not want to do. I am sending you postitive thoughts & energy.
I have said it many times, but I am very grateful for all of you and your support.
Love & peace,
Lori
Thanks so much for the support. I could use more prayers. This time that the house rents. The folks backed out cuz the lady called my mom and said her hubby said he thought the house was too small. Well that’s also why I had it so cluttered when I lived there lol. I had hoped she would rent as she seemed like a good one being a preacher and a Christian. Mike would’ve loved a preacher living there.
Don’t worry I plan to keep my stuff. I went to the house today with my folks to go thru the storage shed while my dad sat in the car and my mom was cleaning up trash in the yard. The folks who had been living there moved my stuff all to the left side of it so they’d have room for their lawnmower and a tv and some other stuff. No problem there, that kept me from having to do that. I did go thru some stuff and take a few things home. I found my hair bun covers and my hair headbands. Thought I had lost those. So I got those and a Beatles cd and a Beatles 45 single I had weasled off my cousin yrs ago and took those back. Also took back with me a sweater, a shirt and a robe of mine that had been missing and I had no idea what happened to them and an album cover of my friend the singer that he had signed for me. I pleased to see a poster of him that he had signed for me was in there too. I found my photo scrapbook of Mike I had made up when we were dating and after we got married I typed on the front of it with a labelmaker He is now my beloved husband. Found out they had saved the top from my wedding cake and figurines that went with it. AWWW… And the photo albums of Mike and his family he had before he met me, and a photo album of pics of Mike and his family that his cousin had given us. And I found more of my records. Albums and 45′s and my diabetic cookbooks.
Now my mom is squawking about how I shouldn’t be saving all those records and how I don’t have time to listen to them. She didn’t grow up in the 60′s and 70′s so she couldn’t possibly understand. To those of us who grew up in the 60′s and 70′s our records are dear and precious to us. And the diabetic cookbooks, if I let them go I’d lose some good recipes. Of course my mom squawked about me keeping those. Why I don’t cook alot anymore. La, La, La, we hear your song but I am tired of the tune lol. Oh and I should be over him by now. I had to tell her I will never get over him ever. She just doesn’t understand.
I do love my folks to death and am grateful that they took me in when Mike went and that my mom is helping me with stuff like renting out the house. I sure hope I get a good renter.
I found out they are gonna have a weekly knitting/crocheting nite every Thurs at a collectable shop over in the next town. I want to go. I told my mom and she thinks I shouldn’t go cuz it’s not safe to go out after dark to that town. And I am alsready going to the crocheting/knitting group at my cousins church. She doesn’t realize it gets my mind off of hurting over Mike. I KNOW he’d want me to go.
And they played our song “I Love You More Today Than Yesterday” By the Spiral Starecase on the Sirius 60′s channel on the radio today. And when I ate out with my folks at a BBQ place, I ran into my best friend, the one who introduced me to Mike and set me up on a blind date with him. I miss Mike so much. I can so relate to this widowed lady in the crocheting/knitting group. I so feel for her. I know what she is going thru. We’re just surviving but not really fully living like others. I got made at Mike for a minute cuz he died on me. I’m not really mad at him or God. Just upset he died so soon. I need my buddy back. The one who went places with me and did everything with me. And now I can’t go to some places cuz there’s no one to go with me. Sorry bout the rant, but only ya’ll would understand.
But I could use prayers that the house gets rented soon and to a good renter. Hope all is going well for ya’ll. Prayers just said for you all. We’re here for you all. Hang in there…
Twitter: miraclady
October 23, 2010 at 11:02 am
Dear Ones -
When we get all those forms to fill out – it can be bewildering.
Here’s a new post from my blog. A true story of my hassle with the VA. These are letters from my book, A Woman Without A Man.
(Actually, the entire book is true)
Thought you might enjoy it.
Click here -
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/a-woman-without-a-man-va-gridlock/
Love to all. And a special welcome to our new members. We are glad to have you here.
Even more special thanks to our members who have hung in for a long time. You give us all hope.
Corinne
Cheryl,
I understand completely what you are going through. When my Roger died, a very close personal friend encouraged (nagged) me to almost immediately get rid of some of Roger’s things like his bicycle, and some of our furniture, etc. I know he was trying to be helpful and it’s not as if he had to store any of those things at his house, (and I wasn’t going to be staying at his house either – I would live on in the same house Roger and I shared for another year before I decided to sell it and buy something smaller). It’s just that he picked this topic as a way of trying to help me, or he picked the topic of getting rid of some things just because he was secretly angry at me for being with Roger, I don’t know. The point is I look back on this point in my life now and regret being pressured into getting rid of those things. I wish now I had held onto those things. And I hate having to live with any kind of regret. It’s the worst kind of feeling to carry around with you. Loved ones can be our worst enemies sometimes. They mean well but it’s like they act like a dog with a bone and they just won’t shut up about something until you give in to them. Cheryl, don’t give in. Just let your mom rant and rave about her issues but don’t give in. She can talk about the stuff all she wants and complain about it to you – that doesn’t mean you have to do what she says or even what she wants just because you’re living with her. She’ll get over it – or if she doesn’t get over the fact that your stuff had to be moved into her attic, then so what. If you did give into her, you’d probably regret it later if not right away, and then she’d move onto something else to rant about to you, she’d find something else to focus on that she thinks you should be doing. That’s just human nature. Just turn a deaf ear to her and plan to have your stuff come to her house all along, get it? I swear sometimes people just need something to complain about!
Hello all,
My name is Nancy and my husband died 4 months ago from a vain that ruptured in his chest and doctors were never specific as to what exactly caused it or how he died until the autopsy came back about 3 moths after his death. He died 1 1/2 months after our wedding, I am 27 years old and i have no friends. I really have no one to talk to or relate to regarding this loss. I feel like my life is over, I have alot of anger and hatred for god, I cant help it, its just there. That is the main reason why I have not gone to my local church for help. everyday i wake up with the hope that maybe tomorrow i wont wake up. I feel like there is no way in the world i will ever find someone who will ever love me for me again. I hate the fact that i am alone I have a little bit of anger towards my husband because i feel like if he would of just tried a little harder maybe he would still be here, if he would of fought a little longer maybe he would still be here. My life was just beginning, but now its ended.
I don’t know what to do to get over this, when i see other people happy it makes me very angry. I’m alone and lost I don’t know how to get out there and survive, I’ve never been the life of the party or a very outgoing person so this made me even worse. Every time i am at any event whether it be a family gathering or a party i fall. I become even more depressed then when my husband died I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is always going to be this way, that i am always going to be by myself with no one to talk to.
I’ve never met anyone my age who has lost there husband when the love is at its strongest point. Every woman or man I’ve met is older or have been married for years, so i cant really relate to them. I feel like I need help I don’t make alot of money so i can t really afford to go to a psychologist, I just paid for a wedding and a funeral in the last 4 months. I am basically here to see if anyone has gone trough anything like me or if anyone knows of any help i can get for cheap or free as this would really help me. I am living in the state of California and i hope to hear from anyone soon, thanks
Welcome to the site. So sorry about your hubby. So sad, as that is so young and such a short time, I don’t blame God in taking my Mike even tho I am upset about it. It’s jst one of those things that happens even tho I don’t like it. And I know God is here for me. Last nite I was watching a gospel music show and hearing the stuff about heaven made me end up crying over Mike for 15 mins until I had a dumb headache. I want him back so bad. We are here for you. You have found a great place for support coming here. I feel like we’re a family here and can share. Prayers just said for ya…
Hello Nancy
Please hang on here. You’ll find a lot of help here. The ladies here are wonderful. You can rant as much as you want. I am 37 my husband passed away 1 year and 9 months ago. I always think that if he had fought a little harder. If he had just asked god that he wanted to wait a little longer with his wife and two kids god would have said ok. I always ask god why he did what he did. Then again I am supposed submit to his will. My 11 year old son and 7 year old daughter is what keeps me going. Life is so empty.
Hope you’ll find peace here. Wait with us.
Love, hugs and blessings to all
Zulaifa
Hello All,
My husband passed away in May 2010 from Cancer, he was only 25 years old and we where only married for 5 weeks. Reading through your posts have been helpful.
Hi all!
I lost my husband on July 16, 2010. he was sick, but it still was sudden because I found him dead in bed. He had been feeling poorly but he was a lot worse before then he was when he passed. My daughters have been ignoring me and I found out why. When my husband died and after the funeral service, I had asked about what to do with his ashes. They were supposed to get back to me which they never did! Every time I enquired about it I got a excuse so I decided that burying him so far away in Delaware wouldn’t do and I decided to bury his ashes where he originally wanted to go which was my fathers gravesite. I couldn’t afford to open the grave as I just was in debt for over $8,000 with no help offered by anyone, so I mentioned that I wanted to bury him inside a flower and bury that at the headstone. They gave me excuses and even said it was “tasteless” and didn’t offer anything. So I did what I wanted. Should I continue to try to make amends or should I just ignore them all! They also refuse to visit his grave saying it wasn’t what they wanted. What do I do?
Hello Michele,
I thought I had it hard!!! I knew my husband for 3 1/2 years and we were married in a Buddhist Temple one year before he past away to another plane one year after we got married. My sweet husband had cancer.
That is true love…when one is so devoted together…five weeks later. Wow!!!
I hold you in Love and Light. I will say Blessings and Prayers for you.
Reverend Reiki Master Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi everyone. Mark did not pass. There is a blood disorder, but not ruling lynphoma out. (Corinne gave me the permission to discuss my feelings…as she and I go back a bit.)
Went to the gastrolinoalist yesterday, and all I do is cry. So, I submitted his dietary diary and my personal feelings. Haven’t spoken to him since. We are writing notes back and forth. BUT I have a question:
Do some people KNOW if they are passing?
I know that I’m not but he says weird things.
Love, Linda
Hello Ladies
Linda I’m not sure about your husband, Mark but I think my husband may have felt something was amiss. He was scheduled to go into to surgery on Monday morning and the week before he just kind of went around making sure I knew how to start his boat (which I have never even ridden in the 2 1/2 yrs he had it…don’t like to fish) and discussing our insurance policies if they were paid up (I was the bill handler) I assumed that he was just being cautious and was a bit nervous about the surgery but I assured him that everything would be fine and to not worry so much…Well Sunday night he died from Sudden Cardiac Arrest. In hindsight I believe he knew “something”
It may just be a coincidence but I believe that God has a plan (although I’m still trying to figure that out) God could have easily in my opinion taken him the day of the surgery; which would have been only a couple of hours later.
Enjoy your time with Mark I know it seems a bit much right now but believe me when I tell you at least you get the chance to say goodbye. Many of us had our loved ones taken suddenly and that leaves you with a lot of feelings of things left unsaid; Hold him and let him hold you and try to just be there for each other so that the memories you make will and can sustain you if/when the time does come.
Prayers for you and Mark
Jeanie B
I think Mike knew he was gonna go before he went. A coupla days before he went he kept saying to me infront of his cousin and my friend that we’re not gonna be here in 2010 and said he wouldn’t be here in 2010 but would be in heaven then. I thought he was talking about Jesus coming back and the end of the world. No he knew and I did not pay attention good enough. If I had I would’v been huggin 2/7 after he made those comments. Prayers just said for all. Hugs…
Just when I think I am doing okay; life throws me a whammy. Maybe it is me and I am being selfish. But, here I am again overwhelmed by family. I know that my son is going through a tough time – his wife walking out, being left with a 2-1/2 and a 3-1/2 year old, trying to work and daycare and all the other stuff with raising two small children (This all happened a month after my husband passed in March!) But, I have become the helper, babysitter, all but grandma. I have to help him when he has to work late and pick the boys up and feed t hem, help him with shopping because he can’t handle doing it by himself. Did I mention that I work a 40-hr a week job, plus have take care of my own house AND try to figure out where to live in another year and try to pack up a 2800 sq ft house by myself and try to downsize! A little overwhelming. My mother, sides with my son and feels sorry for him and thinks I should just do whatever to help him and the boys out. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son and grandsons, but, I didn’t think at 54 I would be doing this again and without my husband! I am sorry, but at times I am overwhelmed. Am I being selfish?
Karen
Karen
You are not being selfish to want some time to properly grieve..yes what your son is going through is tough but he is a FATHER 1ST and yes it all new for him but he has to learn some time…Explain to him how you are feeling right now. Shopping for him is something he can do for himself… I know we always want to be there for our children but right now you can’t do this yet… My son is 25 yrs old and he has a 2 yr old daughter so I understand how things must be and I am speaking from experience. Helping is in our nature but you have to take care of YOU 1st and foremost. I am 45 but I explained to my son that this is his family and I’m still grieving right now but I will try to do as much as can when I can. He was hurt at 1st but the situation has really brought us closer together he now checks on me frequently to make sure I’m doing OK because as men sometimes do they get wrapped up in their own “misery”
Hugs to you & I hope this helps.
JEANIE B
Karen,
My first thought when I read your posting was that your mother needs to go live with your son and help him so that you can grieve for your husband. Of course, I don’t know all the details involved, but it seems like a logical solution, based on the information you provided. Would it be possible? Somehow you MUST be allowed the time and ability to adjust to your own loss so you can heal, and THEN be prepared to help others.
I could barely function after my husband died over two years ago, and I can’t imagine how it is for those of you are so young and/or who have had so many added burdens immediately after your husband’s death. I guess it comes down to ‘we do what we have to do.’ The only way I found strength to do what I had to do (and to still do what I have to do) is through my faith in a Creator who cares about us, as shown through His Own death on our behalf, and in His resurrection.
My prayers are with you, Karen.
Jeanine
Thank you Jeanine. I truly need your prayers. Just feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions. I am tired of being strong for everyone. It has been 8 mos and even my sister doesn’t understand. She says things like “you could meet a nice guy in the grocery store and your life could change.” What planet is she on? I pray every day for strength. That is the ONLY thing that gets me t hrough each day. I am SO tired some days. I never thought my life would like this turn. I feel like my life is over and I am just drifting through each day without feeling. When I do laugh – I feel like this so unnatural. I just wonder if my life will ever be “okay” again.
Hello to all my lovely friends….
Haven’t forgotten any of you and read your posts daily.
I want to welcome the new ladies that have found this wonderful site (thank you, again, Corinne) and extend my warmest condolences. You will find, as time goes on, the love and support from all of us will help you cope and give you perspective as to what we are doing to fill the new and unwanted void in our life.
I was thinking today….
Last year at this time, I hadn’t a clue what was about to happen and how my life was going to drastically change. I have “come to grips” with one matter that has been taunting me for some time. I have decided to sell my home and relocate to an area I lived in ten years ago. I’m stressed over how much it costs to maintain this home. I never had a clue as to what this was all about, but as each month passes, I realize what a shattering and life-altering event losing your spouse is. Bob died on May 7th and I’m now facing six months without him. It’s not easier. In fact, I’m just beginning to realize how difficult this process is without your life partner. Once the shock of it all begins to wane, then you can deal with its reality….being single and on your own.
We’ve all been thrust into a new lifestyle we didn’t expect or want. Trying to figure things out is very difficult. I’ve made some mistakes and wrong decisions along the way, but I have come to the realization that I can’t maintain what I once had. Sad.
I guess we will have to find our own way through this journey, but it’s nice to know all of you are there for me with your support, guidance and love.
“Mare”
Hello friends, Karen–you are the opposite of selfish, you are selfless. You are helping everyone one but you. Why do people need to make those unnecessary comments regarding our love lifes? I agree, what plant are they on? I recently read something that for very powerful for me:
“A part of who you are is gone. Your identity is shaken to the very core. You wonder if you will ever feel normal again or if you will ever enjoy life again. “When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself,” says Dr. Jim Conway. “It’s as if you’ve had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don’t really recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual. There’s no formula.” The pain that comes from the loss of a spouse is much deeper than most people realize because in a marital relationship two people become one flesh. When part of your flesh is abruptly taken away, there is a ripping and a tearing that leaves a huge, open wound. Until you have experienced the death of a spouse, there is no way you can tell someone how deep the hurt is. The Lord says that we are one flesh, and suddenly half of that flesh is torn from us.”
To our young, new friends, we welcome you with open arms and our deepest sympathies. Please feel free to come here anytime for any reason. We are here for you and each other.
Love to all,
Lori
Lori, Thank you. This is so true. That was said beautifully. Sometimes, I know my family loves me, but they truly don’t understand. I think they wonder why I haven’t moved on. Their lives haven’t changed one bit. But, I can’t worry about them. I am going to attend a GriefShare session on coping with the holidays on Nov 20th at our local Baptist Church. Hopes this helps me some.
I am blessed to have found this site. Thank you
Here here Jeanine and Lori,
Karen, you need to look after yourself. Please. I use the aeroplane analogy. When the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, mothers are told to put their mask on first, then attend to their children. If you can’t breath, how can you help them. Same with us, if we can’t get a healthy perspective how can we look after our kids and loved ones best.
If you have to move house, move town, runaway temporarilly (permanently) just do whatever it takes to find whatever makes you happy right now.
My in-laws arrived to stay with me in HK yesterday and before they came I told them how excited i was to have them stay for two weeks, but for one of those weeks i will not be there. I need to go and hide on an island alone, lick my wounds, “be” with my Steve and leave my daughter in HK in their care. They are such beautiful people (yes I am lucky) that they completely understood and agreed. Did I feel selfish and guilty, yes. But do I know it’s right. Absolutely. My daughter, my employer, my family and my friends will all benefit in the long-run from this work I have been doing on myself since Steve died in April (this year). I will be a better person for them all if I am given this space to grieve. It is working, for that I am sure.
We all have choices right now. Maybe not the same ones, or to similar degrees, but most of us can dig deep for some remnants of strength to be selfish and do more to make ourselves happy. Well I hope so anyway.
Welcome to our new friends. Sadly each new joiner brings more heartache to the group, but it is the place to be right now. You are in good hands and you have new friends. Us. None of us knew each other until our husbands died and now we can’t live without each other. It’s an amazing bond.
Mare, well done! What a huge decision you have made. You have a lot to go through but I think it’s going to benefit you a lot in the long run too. You are so brave and such an inspiration. I wish I could hug you!!
Love Kate x
Dearest Kate….
Thank you for your vote of confidence. It made me smile to hear I’m an inspiration. What a beautiful compliment. I wish I could hug you and Ruby, too.
Will keep you and everyone posted on the upcoming changes and challenges I’m facing.
Your love and support mean so much to me and all of us.
“Mare”
Hello friends,
Kate, as I was driving to work this morning, I said to myself out loud in the car, “put the mask on yourself first”! Sometimes I wonder if we all have a connection the universe is picking up. I am now grieving the life that was left unlived. All the things we planned for in the future that will never be. It is sad to think of all the dreams we had for the future. I believe it is important to grieve that piece of it too. Sure, some people don’t get it, but I don’t care anymore–it’s not about them.
Love, peace and positive energy!
Lori
One of the hardest parts of Roger dying was realizing that my life wasn’t going to be shared with him and that all the plans we made for the future would not be happening. My life was suddenly thrust into a tailspin and I felt like I was freefalling with no parachute and no idea where I would land, what was going to happen to me, or if I was going to be okay. All the dreams he and I had for our future were literally ripped away from me in a few moments. We had planned to retire early and move down to Florida and live on a small piece of property on a river. His dad (who is still alive) owns this land and was leaving it to Roger in his Will. It is what’s called a fish camp, where people rent small boats to go out onto the river and fish. There’s a small country store on this property as well as a very small house we were going to fix up and live in after we retired. Now that dream is not going to happen. I thought about going ahead and moving down to Florida anyway but I didn’t want to go alone. His folks were real nice to me and told me I’d always be their daughter-in-law no matter what, but I knew in my heart that as time went on, things would change and with Roger gone, there just wouldn’t be the necessary “glue” to hold our relationships together. I miss the dream. I still feel the pain of losing the future I was going to have with Roger. It’s true, you don’t get over anything. You just adjust, and life goes on….
Deblie i read your thoughts and i too can recall a time when my husband Brian and I planned on what we would do when we retired. Although it was about 25 yrs off i often teased him that he would have to leave the house every day because he would most likely get on my nerves hanging around me all the time. .. We joked that we both would have too much time on our hands & we would definitely travel a lot. I miss the fact that these plans will never happen. I often wondered if we were “testing” God. I’ve always heard the saying if you want to make God smile…”make plans”
You never realize that your spouse could never be apart of these plans or that they would never happen. I guess i took for granted that would we always be there for one another. He was such a vibrant, fun-loving and life of the party sort of guy…his death took us all by surprise. I guess if nothing else it made us all take a look at life & to learn to enjoy each day because tomorrow is not promised.
It’s true the pain of losing him has been like a dream its been 5 months since he passed and some days its ok and some days its barely tolerable. Yes life does go on but it sure SUCKS when the person you thought would be here to share it with isn’t here any longer.
I’m adjusting because i have to but I hate feeling lost, alone and sometimes like i’m just existing not really living yet…
God places on us no more than we can bear ——-but this was definitely a “low blow” .
Yes i’ll adjust because life goes on——
Hugs and Prayers to you all
Jeanie B
Well Ladies, my little adventure begins tomorrow.
I’m flying out to Valencia for a week. Will not be at home for my mum’s 1st anniversary. Looking forward to this one thing I’ve been planning all year. Wish me luck.
Love and strength to you all.
Nx
Norma, good luck with your journey
Let us know when you get there 
Michelle
Wishing you a lot of luck Norma!
Welcome to the site Michele! Glad you found us. You will have a lot of support here.
Corinne Thank you again for this site.
Love, hugs and blessings to all!!
Zulaifa
My husband passed away Oct. 6, 2010. We have been together for 24 years, 23 of which we were married. He was 54 years old and in excellent shape up until he was diagnosed with cancer (Oct. 2008). We have 3 sons (20, 19, and 16). All of them are still at home. We were all so devastated and have know idea how to carry on without him.. He was a strong, kind, loving, gentle, soul who would never hurt a fly. He was also 6′ tall, strong, athletic, and an amazing sportsman. He loved playing most sports and unlike most others was excellent at everything he did. He didn’t own a hammer when I met him, but somehow taught himself how to build a beautiful cabin for us at the lake. What an amazing spirit!! Since he passed we have had many strange things happen around here. We have all decided these “things” are his way of letting us know he is okay. I received a book from my sister called “Talking to Heaven” by James Van Praagh. I highly recommend you read this book. It is about how the spirit of our loved ones try to connect with us. Unfortunately, our natural intuition is turned off and we don’t notice the many signals they are sending. I thought all of this was ridiculous until it happened to us. I was also told that animals have amazing intuition … they can tell when danger is near or a storm is coming. So, I guess we likely have some sort of intuitive powers as well. Why don’t we use it? Think about it … then try to get the book. I have heard it is not easy to find. He also has a few others. Anyway, it is helping me cope with the loss of my dearest friend and lover and my sons deal with the loss of their best friend and father. Ultimately, we have learned that we will all be together again soon enough and perhaps it is best to make the most of this life while we still have the chance.
Alanna
TO Alanna
So sorry to hear about your loss.. Unfortunately we ALL have experience the pain of losing someone so close to us. I hope you know that we are here for you whenever you need to talk, vent or scream…(we’ve ALL done it)
I agree it is best to make the most of life while we still have the chance; my husband passed away May 24 of this year & if I’ve realized nothing else its that tomorrow is not promised. I have 2 sons ages 25 and 15 and they were really miss their father so I truly understand how your boys are feeling,too.
I didn’t really believe in “spirits from beyond” but I went to a spiritual retreat about 3 1/2 months after my husband passed and one of the advisers described to me a spirit that was sitting right next to me.. he didn’t know my situation or that my husband had passed so imagine my surprise when he described exactly what my husband wore the night he died… I cried like no other but I do know that my husband “spirit” was surrounding me & I had no idea but thereafter I started noticing small things & I just hold those moments (sometimes it real quick) dear to me.
Ok I’m about to cry again…so signing off
Hugs and Kisses and everyone of you are in my prayers
Jeanie B
Welcome to the site. So sorry about your hubby. We are here for ya. Had another nightmare aabout Mike coming back from the dead and I was mad at him for dying on me. Here at the beach with my folks for 2 weeks and missing Mike so much. My mjom can’t understand why I talk to Mike all the time. But I have to. The other day we went out to eat in the restuarant was a man and his wife and he had on a Redskins cap. Mike loved the Redskins and had caps of him. I saw that and it reminded me of Mike & I and I wound up in tears. My mom couodn’t understand why. I told her you haven’t been there and that’s why you don’t understand. Hugs to all…
Hello, to my wonderful friends…..
Here we are part of a group of ladies who have been through the unthinkable. I wish we were friends under completely different circumstances, but I’m thankful we found one another in spite of the events that brought us together for friendship, love and support.
The “For Sale” sign is now in front of my home. So many emotions ran through me when I saw it….the reason why it’s there and the reality of what it signifies.
After reading your posts, I know I’m not alone here. We’re all trying so hard to find “our place” (whatever that is) after a devastating loss. I wish I had some solid answers, but there just isn’t any. I’ve tried it all….keeping as busy as possible hoping I won’t “think” too much or “think,” “think,” “think” to a fault. Whatever the choice, the grief finds you. You just can’t escape it.
I have mixed feelings about this move. I’m leaving a home that has a “mixed bag” of memories for me. The days of Bob’s home hospice care truly haunt me and the stigma remains to this day. I’m still unable to go into certain rooms of the house and this is after interior painting and carpeting. You can run, but you can’t hide. On the other hand, Bob and I have so many memories here….holidays, birthdays, anniversaries….each one leaving its own special remembrance. His birthday is coming up November 21st…. another “first” to face head on and endure….then the dreaded “first” holidays. Moving will be added to this concoction of emotions. OMG
Overwhelming? You bet. Daughter, Rebecca, is having a hard time, as well. I’m so wrapped up in my own confusion and instability, I forget sometimes how a daughter suffers the loss of her dad. All in all, the whole process of trying to recover from losing your life partner of 32 years is the most difficult struggle of my life and I’ve been through many.
I send each and every one of you my love and support. Believe me, I know what you’re going through with all the changes and adjustments. I continue reading your posts every single day. My heart and prayers are with you.
“Mare”
Oh my gosh! I feel so badly for you. We do really and truly need one another, as we all feel the same deep, devastating pain. My husband passed away one Oct 6 … one month today. My three sons are in various stages of grieving and I am trying to be there for them.
I believe your comment about us all “being friends under different circumstances” gave me an idea. I know we can’t run from the pain, but maybe we could run to each other for even greater support. I mean perhaps we could all meet up somewhere … a retreat so to speak.
Well, I am so sorry your life has put you in such a trying position. You sound like a strong and wonderful person. I am sending my prayers and strength to you now and over the next few months.
Alanna
Hi Everyone, I’m back!
Alanna, so so so sorry. You sounds like a smart girl and quite a thinker. Kind and caring. You never thought it would happen to you or your husband. No one did right? It’s just incredibly unfair and cruel. But it happened and somehow we are supposed to move on. And we do, with the amazing support of each other. I am so up for a retreat. Wouldn’t it be a amazing if we could all hug and sit with each other. Can you imagine the energy!!
My beautiful, talented, protective, soulful husband Steve died out of the blue after a stomach bug went to his heart in April. He left me with a 10 month old daughter in Hong Kong, now 17 months. I’m an Aussie. I flew his body back to his family to bury him and lick my wounds with our families. While I was there I met three other women who had all lost their husbands in the last two years, I am the oldest at 42. Being around women who share the same pain and loss was incredibly therapeutic for me, despite the heartache we shared. Meeting others helps us decide where we fit in, it gives us reference, hope, feeds our need to contribute more and provides an intrinsic bond. Here’s to a retreat!! Great idea. I will track down your book for sure as well. My husband’s sister and daughter are staying and his sister had her first dream/visit from Steve. He just lay opposite her, in the exact same room she is sleeping in, making it feel so real, and he just stared, then put his hand on his heart. She told his priest yesterday and said she asked him “does it still hurt” (he had a cardiac arrest) and the priest said “no, it’s that Greek way of saying thank you to you” (hand on heart) for visiting and being with us, his family, in HK. She has been a wreck for days poor darling.
I was meanwhile spending 5 nights alone in Phuket. It was so amazing. I slept a lot, although my dreams were filled with shark attacks, rape scenes, my daughter drowning… all my fears and more. Everyday I swam out beyond the waves and floated, talking to Steve, weeping privately, loudly to the sky and to him. I walked the beach, I wrote to my daughter about her beautiful Dad and did yoga as much as I could. It was so completely about me. Selfish. You betcha. I am determined to build my strength and a life for my baby girl filled with happiness, understanding, potency and a touch of crazy fun. I know my heart is going to ache for her so much when she is old enough to know, so I feel I must prepare myself now and show her that we will not be handicapped, just unique and special. Very sad at times, but still blessed.
Mare keep up the great pace. You are doing so well. Loving that For Sale sign. It’s covered in mixed emotions but so is life from now on. Zoom out to big picture and you’ll see your life and where this house fits in. Bob is going wherever you and Rebecca go. Don’t think for a minute you’ll be leaving him behind. I’m so proud of you. Look how you are continuing to just make things happen.
Norma, you rock. Good on you going to Valencia. What is happening there? We all can’t wait to hear about your adventure. Well I can’t!
Lori, I had a laugh on the plane about it too. I just kept thanking God that I had written a will and appointed guardians for my daughter if the plane went down. And there I was reading the paper, in flight, about that Qantas plane! And funnily enough I sat next to a mother and her son. She stared at me the whole way and I glanced at her whenever she wasn’t looking. I just wanted to ask her if she was a single mum or widow too. She wasn’t wearing any rings but maybe that means nothing these days.
I still wear all rings, although across both hands, but strangely all the swimming I did in the ocean must have corroded my necklace which held Steve’s wedding ring and his cross. I got back to my sun lounge and it snapped. I wondered if Steve was telling me it’s time to let go.. remove my armor!!
I’m not dreading Xmas but I am just wondering why we need to have it this year. Can we skip it please!!
Love you all a lot, thank you, Kate x
I know exactly how you feel. Dreading the holidays. All the stores are getting decked out and the songs are starting to play. My family and work still think I should be planning the festivities. I could give a rat’s a** about Christmas this year. last year even though he was here – he wasnt because he was so sick and dying even though neither of us knew it at that time.
I hope that this year goes fast. I have to put a tree up for the grandkids; but I am putting NOTHING else up. And NOT playing Christmas caroles. I think I will find some CD’s and not play the radio at all either. Christmas was Paul’s holiday – he loved Christmas and we used to go all out. This year I have to ask my boys to get the tree from the garage attic – I hate to have to keep asking for things; but, know I can’t do them myself.
Oh well, enough rambling and feeling sorry for myself. Most days are better – it is just the impending holidays. Take care ladies.
Crying over Mike Fri nite. Yesterday I went out to eat with my folks here at the beach. On the radio in the restaurant they played Mikes and mines song I Love You More Today Than Yesterday by the Spiral Starecase. And on the tv were Mikes beloved ballgames. Both made my cry and my mom is like not here don’t act like that here. I don’t want to but you can’t control it. My mom told me to come to the sliding glass doors there was a rainbow. I know Mike had God send it to me comfort me. Mike knows I am hurting and is so sweet. I know he sent me a rainbow here last yr. Hugs to all!
I am so sorry you are struggling. I can tell that you loved Mike so deeply. Remember the depth and length of your grief is in direct proportion to how much you truly loved him. Grieve freely as this is what will eventually heal you. I know this might be difficult for you to understand right now, but the events that upset you (ie. the song, ballgame, rainbow) are Mike’s way of letting you know he is alright. Get the book “Talking to Heaven” by James Van Praagh. It might be difficult to find, but it will help you understand that your loving Mike is still here and is trying to send you messages.
Take care of yourself in the manner and style Mike would want you to. In this way you honor him and yourself.
Love and peace to you both,
Alanna
Hello friends. Welcome to you ladies that have recently found us. This site is great for venting & realizing you are not alone or completly going crazy. We are all here for each other. I am heading to the 1 yr anniversary (Dec 4th) of loosing my heart & soul. I still cry a lot & some days I still don’t think I’m going to make it through, but I do. I’ve realized that I am a very strong person- we all are. Although I really wish I could ignore the next 7 wks I also have been worrying about how I would afford Christmas & birthdays. Between Nov 20-Dec24 I have all 3 sons birthdays, a daughter in law & my granddaughter.I’ve always loved this time of year & loved giving just the right presents & Ed would always make sure that I could. I had figured out what I needed & there was no way I was going to be able to afford it this year & I’m not extravigant. My family doesn’t care but I do! This past Thursday (Nov 4th-[11 mos]) I sold my car for more than I thought I’d get for it. I actually asked the guy if I could have a moment to say goodbye to it. I’m sure he thought I was crazy! Then I stood on the porch with my son & daughter in law to be & cried as it was driven away. Rick said “mom it’s just a car.” No it wasn’t. It was the last major purchase Ed & I had together & we both loved that car. Then something really strange happened. I’ve felt Ed before, but this was different somehow. I almost could feel him hugging me. I realized that somehow he was still making sure that I could “pull off” Christmas. I now have more than enough to do what I want to do. I’m convinced that somehow he found a way to do this for me. I’m not sure if I’m putting up the tree this year to put the presents under but there WILL BE presents! Needless to say I cried even harder & I thanked him. I was not a believer til this last 11 mos. I always believed when your gone your gone, I am now becoming one. Look for the signs ladies they may be there with you. Perhaps I just need to believe this in order to get through, I’m not sure. The signs are just too strong for it to be anything but my Ed. Yes, I would love to give you all a hug in person. Noone but a woman in our position really knows what it’s like. Love & hugs to all, Mary
My heart aches for you Mary. I understand how you are feeling. My son’s and I want to run away from Christmas too. We have to stay in town because my oldest son is working. We live in Saskatchewan, Canada with our loads of snow, so we can’t even drive anywhere for the day. I sat my three boys down and asked them what they thought their dad would want us to do for Christmas. They were all very quiet, and then my second born said, ” I think he would want us to celebrate in a special way. So, let’s make Christmas special for a less fortunate family.” We are putting together a hamper for them with presents and all the fixings for a lovely dinner. My sons are pleased with this choice and I am finding comfort in it as well as I can tell that they are so much like their lovely father. I know he is still with us and guiding us to do what makes everything feel better. My children, myself, and our very close friends have all had various strange “happenings” that clearly indicate that he is still here. Keep your intuitive sense alert and you will see that Ed is still with you as well. I love this website and can’t thank Corrine enough for starting it up.
Take Care and Blessings Mary,
Alanna
Dear Friends,
My niece shared this poem with me, and thought I will share this with you.
Don’t think of him as gone away –
his journey’s just begun;
life holds so many facets –
this earth is only one.
Just think of him as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.
Think how he must be wishing
that we could know, today,
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.
And think of him as living
in the hearts of those he touched…
for nothing loved is ever lost –
and he was loved so much.
Love and Blessings to all!!!
Zulaifa
How beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing this lovely poem.
Blessings,
Alanna
Twitter: miraclady
November 8, 2010 at 10:25 am
Dear Zulaifa -
That poem will give comfort to so many of our friends on this site.
It did for me.
Thank you for sharing it.
We are all so proud of you. You have been such a faithful commentator here and give many hope.
You have come such a long way.
Hello friends, Welcome Alanna you will find this is a safe place to be when you are feeling your best or your worst. I have read the books you are referring to and loved them. They were very comforting to me. My husband died Dec. 19 of sudden cardiac arrest. We were married 25 years (together 27) and have 4 children (25, 23, 15 & 9). The hardest part of all of this for me is seeing the kids grieve. Keep coming back my friends here got me through some of the worst times.
Mary, That was Ed hugging you. Awhile back I wrote about a similar thing that happened to me. I felt something envelope me and kiss my cheek. I know it was Tim. I just know it. My year will be soon too. A year already. I can hardly believe it.
Cheryl, all those things you experience are Mike telling you he is with you. Keep looking for those lovely signs.
To everyone – don’t know what I would do without you.
Love, Hugs, & Peace,
Lori
My sister’s husband died suddenly on 10th October 2010. He was only 36 years old. He leaves my gorgeous sister and their gorgeous 2 children, one who is 6 and the other who turned 2 just 19 days after it happened. As you can imagine everything is so raw right now. The reason I am posting on here is because I am going away for 2 weeks over Christmas with my husband and daughter. My sister has insisted I don’t cancel it, although right now the thought of leaving her is unbearable. However I would like to put together a sort of advent/coping kit of her own for the 14 days I won’t see her. I intend to wrap everything up and date the presents so she knows which ones to open on which days. They don’t have to be expensive, just little touches, so far I have bought bubble bath (as every day she has a long soak), a 2011 diary as she wants to write about her feelings, a nail varnish and matching lipstick as she’s determined to ‘look pretty’ on Christmas Day. I will also include letters and cards and photos for other days. However I just wondered if there was anything, anything at all, from your experience that I could put in the box that may even make her smile, albeit for a second, something that may be personal to someone who has lost a husband that I am overlooking. Equally I know it’s very personal to our relationship, but anything practical would be wonderful. I look forward to hearing from you.
I am so, so, so sorry to hear about your sister’s loss. How dreadful life can be.
However, she needs to know that he is still with her and the children. I found so much comfort in James Van Praagh’s books. My favorite was his first one, “Talking to Heaven”, although I would just give her all of them. “Unfinished Business” will certainly guide her through her emotions and give her much needed peace and strength.
Condolences to you and your lovely family.
Love and peace,
Alanna
You are such a thoughtful sister. I think what you are doing is great and can’t think of a thing you could get her that you haven’t thought of. Unless you get her a nice book of short stories. I know I can’t/couldn’t concentrate on reading.
That was such a sweet poem. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for ya’ll support. I know Mike is trying to comfort me and I appreciate it. I dreamed about him last nite. I found out he hadn’t died but had been alive for over a yr trying to find me and couldn’t find me. He was paralized. My mom suggested I put him in a home. I refused saying I would take care of him. I guess I am wanting him to be alive so bad. What a shock tho loseing him…
Hello friends,
Last night I was with a good friend who insists I “talk about it”. When I have talked about “it” with her, she always tries to make the situation better for her. What I mean by that is she comments with things like, “you were lucky to have the life with him you had”, or ” you will be together again one day”. It drives me nuts! I was with my husband over 1/2 of my life. I cannot find the words to explain to her what it feels like to grieve and to just let me feel. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Love, hugs, & peace, Lori
Hi Lori,
I hear that all the time, also. My spiritual family and friends sees my face light up when I speak about Barry and the love that gave each other.
I still have my mostly good and the some bad days. I think that I am in the low right now. It has been two years and ten months.
I am going to counseling sessions with my Pastor…to even myself…healing body, mind and spirit together. I told him already that I did not want to get emotional…I have thru enough. I figure that it is just the way it will be. He told me that it is human nature to get emotional and feel.
There is a big hole in my heart. As I look at Barry’s personal things, his plastic cowboy boot that he drank chocolate milk out of when he was a boy, the wedding robe that he wore during the ceremony, his diploma and personal papers, our wedding vows that we wrote. I still have a piece of the wedding cake in my freezer.
How can anyone understand that kind of deep loss? Sometimes, when I speak of Barry…people are looking at me…like I am nuts…you mean that you are not over it yet!
Once I figure out the some answers…I will let everybody on this site know.
The holiday times are here. January was the month that we got married in. Barry wanted to get marry on my birthday, but it was in the middle of the week. I remember that. I smile fondly with all of the memories.
Light, Peace and Hope…
Mary Lotus Butterfly
People are human. What else are they going to say to you besides “you’ll see him again some day” or “you were lucky to have the life you did with him”? While it’s true that unless you’ve gone through this loss, you haven’t a clue how we feel and won’t understand, I give a great deal of credit to anyone who is there for you and makes time to listen to you express your horrible pain. My friend Jan literally uprooted her own life with her boyfriend and moved both of them into my home and lived with me after Roger died. And she stayed for six weeks without my having to ask her to, taking care of me, establishing a routine and some kind of normalcy, which I so desperately needed. I was so devastated and so physically wounded that there are things that happened during that time that I still don’t remember to this very day. Apparently, two friends from northern Canada flew in and visited with me in the first few months Roger was gone, and I have no memory of this happening. I was in such shock. I was literally the walking wounded. I was so immersed in my own thoughts and my own pain that I was oblivious to anything happening around me. I thank God for anyone who was willing to be with me during that time. Weeks went by and it felt like minutes since Roger died. Looking back, I’m so grateful to my friends and family for seeing me through it all. Don’t be so hard on your loved ones, ladies. After all, it’s not that you are frustrated that they don’t understand exactly how you feel; it’s really that you desperately miss your partner and would give anything not to have lost him. You’re standing where you don’t want to be standing. You’re experiencing a part of life that you thought wouldn’t happen to you for a very long time, if at all. Don’t waste a moment of negative energy wishing they would truly understand how you feel because if this were true, they would have to lose someone they love too. In the first days after Roger died, I distinctly remember thinking that I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.
Hello,
I understand people are human, and of course I would never wish this on anyone. I have a wonderful circle of people that will always be there for me. Maybe I didn’t state what I meant clear enough. I was wishing my friend didn’t always encourage me to talk about it when I do not want to. I think people could say things like, “I remember this _____ about Tim”or “he was always so happy” or “he was a great husband and dad”. I love hearing stories about him and how he made a difference in other people’s lives. I simply don’t want to hear all the cliches.
Love, hugs, & peace,
Lori
@Lori
I think I understand how you feel… I love hearing stories how my husband has influenced someone else life. My nephew recently told a story that none of knew about how he was struggling in math & everyone was giving him a hard time @ school he is 7 ..he told me my “uncle Brian” told me as long as I know how to count my money lil man don’t worry about it…you will get it in your own time…I think this “advice” took the pressure off for my nephew.
The cliches..oh how I hate them…but I think people just don’t know what to say….or they feel as if they have to say something to try to make you feel better… I like you just wish they would say nothing at all…but then I feel bad.
Talking about it for them might be beneficial for them but apparently its still to painful for you so you may want to relay this information to them… My mother & Granny encouraged me at 1st to talk about it but I told them both right now it was too soon and I didn’t want to reminisce on what I had lost. Now I’m to the point where I can talk about it without a heavy heart. It takes a lot of soul searching and knowing whats right for you at that time…some days it may be OK …some days NOT…take it at YOUR OWN pace
Hugs & Kisses
Jeanie B
Yes, I had said the same thing, also…I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone. It is the worst thing to go thru. I did not like the feelings at all or being “lost in space”. It was only the beginning of this year…that I got angry and made myself come out of the clouds and fog.
Thank you for this site to share our feelings. We are not alone.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
November 13, 2010 at 6:29 pm
Dear Ones -
Just keeping you up to date on my latest posts.
Some of you have teenagers.
Perhaps you can relate to this.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/a-woman-without-a-man-and-a-teenage-son/
Love to all -
Well, here it is another Saturday night and hating being alone. My parents, especially my mother is getting on my nerves. She tells me often the I am not the only one who has experienced a loss with my husband’s death!!!! OMG! Is she crazy. He was my soulmate and love and I am the one left alone. She has my dad and her life goes on! Where was she when he was in the hospital and dying; or up t hrough the night with the fevers and shakes and giving him IV’s. I am getting to the point where I don’t want to be around my family because they are being so insensitive about what I am going through.
My sister still thinks that I should be planning the Thanksgiving dinner! Coordinating what everyone is going to bring! I told her I don’t want to do that this year and she looked at me like I was crazy! What is wrong with my family!!! I have always been there for them, why can’t they be there for me??
Sorry to cry on your shoulders – just frustrated and feel so lost some days.
Hi Karen,
I have just found this site. I’m happy and sad at the same time. Happy being that there are people who understands my loss and dilemma being a widow. Sad being we are all in such a sorry state with our most loved one leaving us. I felt the same about my sister. During my difficult time, I would expect her to show concern and understanding towards me. But no, nothing from her. In fact during
one of the gatherings not long after my husband passed away, she behaved so intimate with my brother-in-law without sparing a thought for me. It was just barely a month plus after my husband passed away. I was asked to join in the gathering. Not wanting to disappoint my family, I went. But I was not happy. I wasn’t jealous but wish that she could be more considerate. Another incident that hurts me alot. We were renting a house while searching for our own home. My husband passed away during this time and the job of house hunting fall on me. I was confiding in her that the property prices keeps going up and very difficult to purchase a home. She instead replied that hoping the property prices would go up futher so that her son could sell his property which was not even completed yet. I felt that she is very insensitive. I try to avoid gathering with her around but she always appear from nowhere.
I have read so many of your wonderful words, and it has really helped, my husband died, nov. 2, 2010, and left custardy of his 5 grandchildren to me and his daughter, its so overwhelming, and sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I’ve helped him raise his grandchildren for years, and love them as if they were my own, its just hard right now because its all so new, and seems so unreal.Everyone wants everything. He made out a will, but only for the custardy of the children and our home everything else he basically told me who he wanted to give what to, and now people are coming out of the woodwork and I don’t know what to do. I feel like taking all his things and locking it all in a room and not dealing with it until I can get over the fact that hes gone, any advise…..Lisa
Oh Karen, how I can relate to you! My advise to you is to talk to them. Try explaining what you are feeling, I really believe that most people have no clue on what to say or do. They just want us all to be back to “normal”. They think that if they can get us to do the things we always did all will be better. They don’t realize that we are into a new “normal”. I really would hate for you or anyone to end up like I have with my mom & sister. Mine started while Ed was still in the hospital. Before the doctors could tell how bad it was they started talking to me about the funeral. The only thing they did with Ed’s viewing & funeral is to tell us what we did wrong with it. They thought he should be in a suit (he wore a suit maybe 4x in 30 yrs-we put him in his P’burgh Steelers jersey) instead of flowers the boys gave him a remote control & a beer, I have him the last bag of beach glass we had collected-this was not “proper” It went on & on. I was even told I should have made Christmas dinner last year for the family, Christmas was 21 days after Ed had died! Easter was the same thing. I was a terrible person for choosing not to cook or even to be in town. Out of town family members had invited me to visit them. After talking to my sons about it & making sure they had places to go (they all went to their in laws to be) I took them up on the offer. All heck broke loose then. My sis even posted some very hateful remarks to me on facebook while I was there. At one point she even called me a “pall” on the family. Shortly after Easter with the advise from members of my grief share group I cut ties with them for my own health. I won’t lie to you this has been on ongoing thing with us for years. I had tried to explain to them my feelings I even wrote them a grief letter explaining everything-I never got a response. I feel like not only have I lost my husband but also them. I don’t want this to happen to you. I really can’t believe your family is the same as mine. As I said before they probobly are trying to get you back to your old self & don’t understand that’s never going to happen. Explain to them you just can’t do it this year, perhaps next year or perhaps never again. I hope I’ve helped. Mary
I have spoken with them and they need to tell me I need to move on. My mother tells me I am not the only one who has suffered a loss with Paul’s death – that he meant a lot to everyone in the family. I didn’t realize that it was a contest! He was my husband and I am the one sleeping alone and eating alone and facing the rest of my life alone! I get so upset with her, it is hard. Life is so DIFFERENT now. They question my every decision and want me to sell my house – not ready to do that yet. What a life I am living now. I just pray to God it gets better.
There are two Karens..
Karen (who lost her husband), I feel sad for you having to cope with your mum’s comments. She sounds insensitive so it might not even make sense to talk to her too deeply because she won’t understand. Do you have a friend you could go and stay with for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Just tell them you need to getaway. It might minimise the conflict and be a change you didn’t realise you needed. Just a thought.
Karen (who’s sister lost her husband), you are really really caring. You can give your sister my email address or phone number if she wants to talk to an Australian who also had a young child (10months old) when her husband died suddenly. Otherwise I can recommend talking to a psychic (I can give you one in the US who you can chat to on the phone) or try a book called A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser (he lost his mum, his wife and his daughter in a car accident) and explains his journey since then so well. You could find a decent bereavement counsellor and book an appointment, or even ask the local priest to drop in. You could write her a list of the things you and your family loved about her husband (we all love hearing how beautiful our husbands were), you could arrange a babysitter or relative to take the kids on a fun outing or just to play with them at home while she goes and has her hair blow-dried, have a masseuse come to the house, or simply write this website on a card and tell her to drop in and say hello to us all. We’ll all be needing this site and each other over Xmas a lot.
Lori, I know what you mean. I find myself blaming “some people” and “some friends” for a lot of my angst but when they really do say things that don’t work for me, I just learn to ignore them. They have no idea but they sometimes think that if they go deep it will benefit me more. I find myself wanting advice and comfort less, I just chose to be around my friends who “get it”. They just listen and let me be whatever I want to be that day.
Debbie mentioned her memory problems. I find I still have a really bad memory. I paid someone twice on the internet three days apart. I had no memory of paying the first time. I spoke to my counsellor about it. Maybe it’s shock. Not great as I start my new job in the morning. Full-time, running a team in a bank. I am scared I might really get caught out because I report directly to the CEO and he’s smart!!!
Wish me luck. I wish you all a moment of laughter today. xx Kate
Hi Kate,
My husband passed away on 1st Jan 2010 leaving behind 2 daughters age 24 and 20. . He died of aneurysm. It’s very sudden for my family. We never bid goodbye. This happened barely 2 months after we shifted to our new rental place. I blamed it on so many things…is it the new flat that brought upon the mishap or something that I did wrongly during our moving ? (I’m Asian and we do some prayer before moving house) or is it his health that caused his death?? All these thoughts run through my mind in the 1st few months after he passed away. I felt that I’m responsible for his death. This is a dead knot inside my heart. Although I’m feeling better now, there are still days that I cried my heart out.
In the initial state, I have colleague who was so insensitive that she keeps mentioning to me what she and her husband did, what they going to do with their retirement and so forth. I don’t know what’s her intention. Or is it she feels that I’m recovering too fast from my grief ? I did not take long leave to recover ? The fact is I went back to work after one week. Except for the 1st 2 weeks, I slept during lunch becuase my eyes were too tired after night of crying. After that, I behave normal and do my work although I still keep to myself to avoid people bringing up the topic of my husband. I went shopping to buy new clothes. I want to look positive so that I can feel positive and move forward. But this lady seems to be against of my attitude and keep putting me down. Finally, I decided to distance her and block her out of my life. So now my motto is to talk to those who understands me and block those negative souls out of my life.
Haven’t posted for a couple of weeks….reason being my home is up for sale and I had made an offer to buy a condo securing it with a deposit. When I received the escrow papers, and reading them very thoroughly, which Bob engrained in me, I came across a one-page disclosure about the property being in a seismic hazard liquefaction zone. Many of you may not know what liquefaction is, but after staying up all night to research what it all meant, it wasn’t in my favor. There were other factors involved, as well. The building was new and not fully occupied. The Homeowners Association hadn’t been formed and the builder was trying to maintain the building with what fees were coming in, but was falling short. Dues were reasonable, but would most likely be increased after the HOA was formed.. How much? No one knew at this point. Daughter, Rebecca, works for an attorney who owns 25 apartment buildings throughout L.A. County. He looks after her like a “second daughter” and told her to tell me “run as fast as you can from the purchase of that property” so, I did. Is my wonderful husband, Bob, looking out for us? Could he see the unforseeable? I have to pay attention to these “signs.” Now the process begins to cancel the escrow and hope my deposit will be returned. This will depend on what damages the builder feels he incurred by my cancellation of the purchase. Too many unknowns to feel comfortable, so I’m back to “square one” here.
As you know, I read your posts every day. It saddens me to hear of what other people say and do while we are adjusting to one of the most, if not the most, catastrophic event of our lives. You know, I’ve been through the loss of both of my parents, and as traumatic and devasting it is, losing the love of your life is a different loss. When I lost my mom and dad, I knew I had Bob to fall back on. I knew I would be all right, as grief stricken as I was. He was there to bring sense and sensibility to my life. But, when your husband dies, that comfort zone disappears. You’re left with your grieving children who are looking to you for support and comfort. I have discovered that strength to be “paper thin” many times.
Friends and family, of course, should be there, but to support, not comment or judge the strategy you have adopted to survive. It may not make sense to some, but none of this makes sense. I certainly don’t know what I’m doing after six months. I’ve read….don’t make any major decisions during the first six months of the loss of your husband. My husband died on May 7th, and I’m still confused, bewildered and LONELY. I realize we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but when the feedback doesn’t “feel right,” I will do one of two things….tell them nicely my side of things or distance myself from those not getting the message. The family issue is a delicate one. I’m amazed with some of the stories I’ve read how family members can be, not only instrusive, but so insensitive. Had my parents been here when Bob passed, I know, for fact, they would have tried to help me all they could to get me through this misery. No comments. No judgments. Just love and support. That’s the way it should be, but many times that’s not the case. How unfortunate. I’ve heard the cliche’s: “It was for the best.” “He’s in a better place.” “Be thankful you had him for 32 years.” I’ve responded to those cliche’s with a nod and a forced grin. Yes, they all mean well. I envy what they still have and grieve what I don’t any longer. That’s what I want them to UNDERSTAND….what I don’t have any longer and the affect that loss has on my life. It’s that simple.
When I’m watching t.v., I see the commercials for the holidays. Makes me really, really sad I won’t be spending them with my beloved, Bob. The word “Thanksgiving” leaves me with an empty feeling. I remember the two-day preparation for this holiday and he would keep coming into the kitchen for samples of the goodies. No more. We’re all making our personal and individual “adjustments” to get through the holidays without our husbands. Our children are doing the same without their dads. All in all, it’s a “no win” this year for us. Daughter, Rebecca, is having a hard time accepting the loss of her dad. She told me, “How can we have any kind of Thanksgiving or Christmas without him?” The thought is unimaginable, but real.
We all need one another. When I read the posts, I realize we are all trying to figure out what’s best for “getting through” this difficult season.
A note to Kate….
Please let me know the medium’s name you used for a telephone consultation. Is it the same lady you recommended awhile ago?
I wish you the very best on your new journey with your new position at the bank. Don’t read into mistakes too much, they will happen. I recently misplaced some checks and have absolutely no recollection of putting them where I did. We’re all on overload. All of us. I admire your self confidence and fortitude. Thank you for your reassurance and faith in me. Sending a big hug to you and Ruby.
Dear Corinne….
Words cannot adequately express the gratitude I have for your contributions and gift of this site to all of us.
Please know how much all of you mean to me. Your friendship and love have provided me with, not only great therapy, but the love, comfort and support needed to sustain and survive. Each and every one of you are an inspiration, no matter what depth of despair you are in.
“Mare”
Twitter: miraclady
November 15, 2010 at 9:58 am
Dear Mare -
So sweet of you to say that. I am thrilled with all of you who are supporting each other.
You add so much to this site. I always like to hear what everyone is doing. Some sad – some good news here and there.
It is a journey. Not a destination.
Lots about the holidays now. I always found that the hardest time. And it goes on for so LONG.
I can remember wishing I could just to sleep and wake up when it was over.
Better as time has passed but I am still sad when I put up a little tree and I am alone.
Wishing you all a peaceful time. Do the best you can.
Hello friends,
Mary, I had to laugh when I read your post about the Pittsburgh jersey. Tim loved hockey and I put him in a “Chiefs” jersey from the movie Slap Shot–anyone remember the Hanson Brothers from that movie? It was that jersey. Kids from the team he coached threw in all sorts of things he would have gotten such a laugh out of. I regret I didn’t have the presence of mind to give him one of his cigars. You and your sons did it perfectly! I LOVE IT. I cannot tell you how sorry I am regarding the insensitivity of your family. You have a family right here.
Love, hugs & peace,
Lori
Hello Ladies, welcome to those who have found this site.
It took me a while to get through all your messages, so apologies for the delay in posting.
Valencia was fab, a bit lonely, never been on holiday alone before. Did a lot of thinking and came to the conclusion I need to smile more. Managed to put my wedding ring back on and I felt fine with it. Got to Madrid for my overnight, and had to find somewhere to stay. Unfortunately not knowing the city, I inadvertantly ended up in the red light district, so took me 4 attempts to find a room for the night.
My one chance to get some action, but my Spanish isn’t that good and I might have agreed to anything for an unfair price. (go on, laugh, you know you want to).
I wrote my 1 year piece for Martin today, will post it in a moment. It will be 1 year on the 1st December. This will be the end of all my 1st year anniversaries, my birthday (6th December), Christmas 2009, New year 2009/2010, Martin’s Birthday (24th March), my Mum’s birthday (20th July), my Mum’s anniversary (5th November) and now Martins anniversary (1st December). Of all the days so far, my wedding anniversary was the worst. I feel a sense of peace at the moment and when you read my remembrance you might understand why.
Uni, has been amazing, I’ve written 2 essay’s and did 1 presentation, results were B1 for my Poetry (presentation), B2 for my Philosophy “How Descartes proves the existance of God” (not badly done for an un-believer), B3 Drama essay, why comedy is a good medium for tackling important human issues. Result in my book. Got 2 more essays to write before the end of the Month, wish me luck.
Now to my remembrance for Martin. I love you all ladies. If you get one thing out of your day, make it a smile. Much love
Normaxxx
It’s been a Year,
A whole Bloody Year!
Where has it gone?
What have I done?
I’ve missed you,
I’ve cried for you,
I’ve laughed for you,
I’ve loved you.
Now it’s time to move on,
But I’ll never forget you’ve gone,
You were my world,
My life, my friend, my love.
I will always love you,
I will always miss you,
I will always cry for you,
But now it’s time to laugh, for me.
I love you Martin and I always will
Farewell, adieu, until we meet again.
Your Bloody Bitch
Nx
Karen,
Hold on! Don’t sell your house. Don’t listen to anyone’s advice right now. Don’t do anything except feel your grief. You’ll know when the right time is to start making major decisions, but it isn’t now if you’re still heavily grieving. You simply can’t think straight and make good decisions when you’re up to your eyeballs in pain. I read somewhere that you shouldn’t make any major decisions for at least one year after you lose your husband, and I found this to be absolutely true. I know it’s hard to mentally push away all the nonsense people (family) throw at you but you simply have to turn a deaf ear to all the advice given by people who haven’t been through this kind of loss. Try to hang on until your mind clears. Hang on!
Hello all!
Ok Norma, I laughed, cried, and laughed. Love it. Thanks for the inspiration.
Love, hugs, and peace,
Lori
Norma, you have an art for sure. I also peed my pants with tears in my eyes.
Mare – Carole is the one I first spoke to: cj_obley@hotmail.com
You are so amazing knowing to advise me to not be hard on myself at work. You are right that we all on overload. I missed my second mammogram check-up appointment, two weekends in a row, AND forgot my call to Carole this morning. Massive memory problems for sure!! Thanks for not making me feel alone with all these knock-on effects. You are so lovely and yes, your husband of 32 years and the universe are conspiring to make sure you don’t step on a land mine. More and more I am finding my husband must be responsible for the things that really matter. Well if I chose to believe it, it makes the moments more fun. He got me a taxi the other day during peak hour and I winked at him to say thank you. It was a priceless moment and I smiled rather than felt sorry for myself. He also got Ruby in to a playgroup that had a waitlist as long as my arm. I sent a bottle of wine to “teach” to say thank her for bumping us up the queue from Steve and me. Why not!
Deb1ie/Karen – I understand that heavy grieving is not a time to make major decisions but I am not sure that the 1 year rule applies to all. There is change in every corner we turn and so much is out of our control. Making a well thought out change, owning it and going with it can be very empowering and can also make us believe in ourselves and our futures once more. It’s a fine balance I admit but run it by a few more people who really have your best interests at heart.
Yenny – your colleague has half the brain and heart that you have. She’s not in your league!
Love you all for being so thoughtful and honest. xx kate
Dear Ladies,
It has been a difficult day!!!! Went through old photographs, how I wish I could go back to those times. I locked my self in the room whole of evening and cried my heart out. I didn’t want my kids to see me so heart broken, cause that will really upset them.
A warm welcome to all the new ladies. I am glad you found us. My heart goes out to all of you here.
Take care! Love and Blessings
Zulaifa
Hello ladies, I first want to appologize for my venting today, but it seems that this is the place I come when I need to. It’s better than punching a hole in the wall! I have been doing better for the most part-I still cry & I’m not sure if that will ever stop but better, stronger. But the last week or so has been hard. Next Sunday will be a year since Ed’s attack (you all know the story, the day after Black Friday then 6 days later gone no warning). It’s so hard to believe that it will be a year since my nightmare began. I am hoping that when it comes it won’t be as bad as it’s been waiting for it the last week or so. Heck, I even volunteered to babysit all day Sunday so the kids can go to Buffalo to see the Steeler game! It may be good for me. Now for the venting you all know a bit of the story of my mom & sister. Well, my youngest son (my rock) & his finance have decided it was time for me to make amends with them. Today was my mom’s birthday. I’ve had every intention of getting her a card & mailing it tomorrow (for my birthday in September I got a generic card in the mail a few days after signed “mom”). Brian thinks I should call her. Aside from the obvious, she lives with my sister & brother in law & I’d have to go through them to get to her. I’ve spent the last almost 8 months without a word from either of them (their choice not mine, but I do admit I told them off & still don’t regret it). This goes back for as long as I can remember with them but when Ed got sick & died & they did & said things I just couldn’t excuse their behavior any longer. The friends of mine who have known me most of my life & were there for me when all this happened think I am better off not having contact with them. 2 of my sons think otherwise. I don’t want the boys to think I’m a terrible person, but I’m so afraid of moving back on this journey. We, as widows, work every moment of every day to move forward without our wonderful husbands. I know Ed would be proud of me for the progress I’ve made. We are like fine pieces of china-we break easily. I refuse to break!!! I know they will break me! With this “anniversary” coming up & the holidays (I consider this Christmas the first cause I was in shock last Christmas) I just don’t know what to do. If it weren’t for my sons this wouldn’t be a big thing, but they’re being “talked” to by mom & sister. Since the end of May when they didn’t show up for my oldest son’s wedding (long story)that was the real final straw for me, I haven’t mentioned them. I am dong fine without the “drama” of them. I’ve tried to explain to the boys why I am being this way but they just want peace in the family & think I should be the “bigger person”. I am not crazy if you all knew my family you’d understand. This has been a long time coming & I need to think of myself first. I feel like I’m writing a Dear Abby letter, but I just don’t know what to do. They made the worst time of my life even worse by their words & actions I’m afraid of going back to that. I thank you all for allowing me to vent. Mary
Hi Mary,
I shared alot of your experiences. During my difficult time, I did not have much support from my mom and sister. Few weeks after my husband passed on, there was a family gathering which I was invited. Did not want to disappoint them, I went. Unfortunately, I could not control myself as the wound was still so raw. I didn’t want to cry infront of my mom so I dashed out of her house and drove back crying all the way home. Next I had my brother calling me up and said that mom was very upset with me and that I was rude to her by leaving her house abruptly. She complained to my sister as well but my sister did not even give a call to ask what happened. My sister has never experience the loss of such kind, so I can put it down to her lack of experience. But my mom had gone through the loss of my dad. I’m sad and disappointed that she can’t understand my pain and loss at that moment. It was only few weeks after my husband’s death! I can only conclude that she’s old and it’s been many years since my dad passed away. All memories have faded. In the end, I called her up to cheer her up despite my own grief and loss. I didn’t know why I did that then. I share the same thought : “I refuse to break”. I just keep telling myself to be strong and not break down for the sake of my 2 daughers. I’m also feeling better without seeing them especially my sister who is always ever so insensitive of what she said. I avoid gatherings with her around but she always appears out of nowhere. Almost 11 months has passed. 27th Dec 2010 was his fateful day. He left home to play golf and collapsed into coma and never wake up. 1st Jan 2011 will be his 1st anniversary. I don’t now how I’ll be taking it. However, I’ m glad that during this darkest moment, I found some true friends who helps me to pull through and I must say that my brothers are very supportive. They offered their assistance whenever I needed it althought I can’t confide in them emotionally. They are always there when I need help and do not pass insensitive remarks like my sister. So much for my venting, too. Good night.
Hello friends,
How is everyone handling the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday? I’m finding it harder than I thought it would be–very sad and emotional. I keep thinking last year at this time everything was wonderful. I was totally blind sided by my husband’s sudden cardiac arrest Dec. 19th. Our first Christmas without him was technically last year, but I was in such shock I honestly think this year will be more of a “first”.
Take care all my friends.
Much love & peace,
Lori
Lori, yes, I know how you feel. Ed passed 12/4/09. The anniversary of his attack is this Sunday. I keep having flashes of last Thanksgiving & black Friday (shopping & birthday party for our youngest son). We were all together & very happy. For me also this Christmas will be my first cause last year I was in a fog. This is the first Thanksgiving that I won’t be cooking. I’m going to Brian & his girlfriends. Feels very strange that I’m not frantically preparing tonight. But I am thankful for a lot of things. My sons, my grandaughter & grandchild to be, my friends…even finding this sight & all of you. What I am most thankful for is Ed. We all had a huband that we truly loved & who truly loved us. Otherwise we wouldn’t have needed this sight. We all know of women who spend their entire lives either looking for what we’ve had or stuck in a marriage that is loveless. Those are the women I feel most sorry for. It may not feel it, but we have been the lucky ones. (as I’m typing this I’m crying) So tomorrow & through the days ahead, we will cry & miss that wonderful man of ours. That black hole we are in I think may get even darker but we will get through. We’ll be here for each other & I hope those men of ours will be up there helping us also. If I had know years ago that I would be in this much pain now, I still wouldn’t have changed a thing. We still are the lucky ones, ladies. I’ll be thinking of you all tomorrow. We WILL get through this! Much love to all Mary
I so agree with Mary. We are the lucky ones with memories of a wonderful husband. Mine died almost two and a half years ago and his birthday was this month. In celebration of him I posted the following on his CaringBridge site:
“Don would have been 66 earth years old yesterday. I rejoice in knowing that he is now timeless with our Lord Jesus, and I will join them one day. I spent yesterday away from my computer, celebrating Don’s birth day with our family, reminiscing – and loving him.
In my readings I occasionally run across something that expresses my thoughts and feelings much better than I, and I will use one today, in memory of my cherished husband:
‘Human love finds its passionate yearning each to be lost in the other fulfilled when each is lost in God, and in Him finds the other. Only in the divine love that is born from above does human love find its consummation and utmost bliss.’
I am finishing this earth journey without Don through strength and guidance from our Lord Jesus. My thanks to all of you who allow Him to use you in supporting me and my family through your prayers and kind words. ”
Whether we spend the holidays with family, friends, or alone, we will be remembering our partners who have gone into eternity ahead of us.
Although Scripture warns me that our Creator does not want His people to use other people to try to contact those who have gone ahead while we are still on this earth, it does encourage me to go to directly to Jesus for all my needs. I have found tremendous peace and comfort in knowing that my husband is with Jesus, and when I am in communication with our Lord, I can send messages to my husband through Him.
Blessings to you all.
To all my friends…..
The holidays are a rough road to travel. I’m finding it more difficult than I anticipated. MUCH MORE DIFFICULT.
Just got through Bob’s birthday, November 21st, our “first” without him. Daughter, Rebecca and I were so sad. The pain was so intense, at times, we “tried to pretend” it was “just a normal day,” to survive.
Today is Thanksgiving and want to let all of you know….I KNOW. Hope you will be with the ones you love. Hold them close and let them know how much you love them. That’s what I’m going to do today.
Will be thinking about you. Stay strong. I appreciate and care for each and every one of you, not only today, but always.
“Mare”
Happy Thanksgiving!
I know, not very happy for most of you, I don’t even celebrate Thanksgiving, it’s not very big over here in Sunny Scotland. But never the less, it is another holiday that you will get through. If it’s your first without your husband/partner, then you can tick it off, your Firsts List. I know that all of you will be strong for your families and your friends, and above all for yourselves. I am sending out strength to you all, to help you get through it.
The 1st December is almost upon us. That will be the end of my Firsts List. I am surprisingly happy, and calm. I can cry at the drop of a hat, even just thinking about Martin or my mum, but I know now that it’s OK. I’ve survived this year, with abundance of tears, a bit of laughter and a lot of thought. I’ve been told the first year is the worst, I want to say that the Year of Firsts is the worst, because I truly believe it will get better. We never really notice a Year of Seconds, or a Year of Tenths, or a Year of Fiftiths (wishful thinking there on my part – laugh you know you want to).
Just know ladies, although I want to move on with my life, I will never forget Martin, he was a big part of me and touched my life in so many ways, even if he was the most inconsiderate man I’d ever met. I love him, and I always will.
So make your decisions, but don’t regret them, only learn from them if you feel they were wrong. Listen to your heart, and if your heart is hurting too much, then listen to us. Take as much of our information and advise as you can, then MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND! It’s easy for us to accept direction from others, but now is the time to stand up and make those decisions ourselves.
Either be happy or sad this thanksgiving, but be what you feel is right. For Martin’s 1st anniversary, I’m going to be happy, but I know that I will cry a lot next Wednesday. What I’d like you all to do, is laugh for him, so have a look at this link, listen to the song and have a laugh at 1530 GMT (if you are awake).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUELu8o5KJg&feature=player_embedded
Much Love
Normaxxx
Hello Ladies, I hope everyone had a better Thanksgiving than I. It started out great I went to my daughter’s to be with the grandchildren I thought I would be ok, It has been 5 months since my husband died. My daughter decided she was going to put up the Christmas tree( I do not even want to have a tree this year).I was still ok, until the children decided to have Christmas music on also. When they turned it on, I started crying because Larry and I always decorated the tree and listen to Christmas music. I tried not to show that I was crying but I could not hide it. Then of course my daughter started crying. I really don’t know how I am going to get through the Holidays this year. I love and miss him so much. Christmas was always my favorite holiday but this year I wish it would just not come. I have been through his birthday, our Anniversary and they were better then I thought they would be but I am not looking forward to Christmas it hurts so bad. Thanks for listening I know everyone here is going through the same thing and I am sorry
Twitter: miraclady
November 26, 2010 at 6:31 am
Dear Ones -
Can I make a suggestion?
Do not listen to Christmas music. I cannot. It is too painful. I put some on Christmas Eve when my kids come over and we open presents.
Otherwise, never.
This is the hardest period of the year for all of us.
Sending love to you -
Corinne
I found your site this morning and have read a number of the comments. It sort of helps to find out what other women are feeling. I am newly widowed. My husband of 30 years passed away 6 days ago. The memorial service was two days ago. Family and friends have gone home and I’m sitting here not knowing what to do next. My husband was quite a bit older than me so I’m supposed to have been ready for this. I’m not. I just want to have him back to talk to.
Gerry, I am very sorry for your loss. This site is the perfect place for you to come. It makes you realize that you are not alone. Everyone here becomes your friend even if you don’t know them.We are all someone who knows what you are going through you can vent when you need. We are all here for you.
Hi Gerry. I also am sorry for your loss. We are all going through many of the same things, all at different times. My husband died September 29th, 2010. My husband Charlie’s birthday was 37 days after he passed. The kids and I had a game night and had all his favorite foods. We laughed a lot and I knew he would be so proud of us. He was always so full of life and fun until he got sick with cancer. Thanksgiving was harder, started out well and ended up in tears. I think the tears are to be expected on holidays. We miss our mate. I try to do what he would want. I know if I would have gone first, I wouldn’t want him to be so sad, but celebrate the times we had together. He is with the Lord so I will see him again and until then, I am going to do my best to do the things he would want. Spend time with our seven kids and 16 grandchildren (2 that went to Heaven before him) and love and be a blessing to them. When I don’t know what to do sometimes, I just say, Lord, what’s next? and it comes to me what I should be doing. I am saying prayers for all my ‘sisters and brothers in widowhood’ God will get you through everything. Much love to you all. Karen in Troy.
Thank you, I will be back for advice and the help you seem to provide each other. Everything is just not real right now.
Hi,
I just lost my husband last month and I am so lost and don’t know where to turn. I can’t seem to be still in my mind even for a moment. My husband Ron was the person I depended on and trusted with my heart and soul and now he is gone. We loved Christmas and he would do the outside with so many lights and make everything look so beautiful. My job was the inside and he was always so proud of me. I never worked outside the home and am no longer young and now wonder where I go from here. Ron was only 58 so I thought we had so much time left. I was wrong. I now need to find a way to make a life and a living. Kind of scared! It was a wonderful life knowing I was so loved and now I feel so alone. I can’t picture ever feeling that love again and this makes me so sad. I am sorry that all of you feel the pain I am feeling. I pray that God shows all of us a way to find a happy ending. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Theresa
Dear Gerry, Theresa and all the new ladies
I am glad you found this site. You can draw a lot of strength from the ladies here.
Praying god to give courage to all to move forward!
Love and hugs!
Zulaifa
To my beautiful group of friends….
For the new ladies….You are in good hands. All of us are trying to rebuild a life from one that was so safe, comforting and secure. The love and support I have received for almost seven months now is beyond what I ever imagined. To give you a brief history of my loss….My wonderful husband, Bob, passed away May 7th, 2010. He was misdiagnosed for about a year and a half. The doctors kept telling us he had a fractured rib that took longer than usual to heal. On Easter Sunday, April 4th, they “re-diagnosed” him with pneumonia. On Saturday, May 1st, we were finally told he was in the final stages of Stage IV lung cancer. He was placed into hospice here at home and died the following Friday. My birthday and wedding anniversary arrived five days later.
The tailspin that follows is like no other. In the beginning, you’re in a “freefall.” We’re all trying to get control of the circumstances and “land the plane.” My “plane” hasn’t landed yet. Trying to figure out what to do when someone has been by your side for so many years (32 in my case) is mind boggling.
What I’ve “learned” over the last 6 l/2 months is to take all of this ONE DAY AT A TIME. Don’t try to rebuild all at once. It won’t work. I’ve been there and done that. I want my life back to some normalcy, but I find I’m forcing things that aren’t meant to be. I’ve tried to sell my home move and no matter what I did to make it happen, it didn’t. We are all “shell shocked” from this devastating event and have to give ourselves the time and space needed to recover. I WANT ALL OF THIS TO GO AWAY SO BADLY. I’m making making decisions I shouldn’t be making. The fear I have being without my husband has left me feeling desperate….not a good foundation to make changes.
No matter what you’re feeling….anger, sadness, insecurity, that “empty feeling” or even a glimmer of joy once in a while, this is a wonderful place to visit because when all of us express what we feel, we find the “land of normal” and companionship. Always remember, whenever you post, your feelings and thoughts help us so much, whether they’re sad or angry, or motivational and inspirational….all of it helps us !!
I find that the holidays have added to my burden and “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” has been far from it. My husband’s birthday (the 21st) and Thanksgiving were very sad for me. I braced myself for those occasions, but living through them was another story.
Again, it saddens me to have to welcome new friends here, but remember….we are all here for one another to support and comfort.
Love,
“Mare”
To the new ladies I welcome you & am so sorry for your loss. I have found that only widows really know what it’s like. I have been told that tears heal. Wow, we all should be really healthy by now! I’m an “old widow” – almost a year. Ed, my hubby of almost 30 yrs was perfectly healthy (or so we thought) last Nov 28th while washing walls for Christmas, he suffered an attack (a stroke) hours later he was in a coma & died the following Friday (6 days later). Ed was 60 yrs old. Theresa I can relate, I expected many more years with Ed. I was in that “fog” for at least 6 months & now even find myself still not believing it. Ladies, listen to Mare one day at a time & when that doesn’t work, cause sometimes it won’t take one hour, or one minute. I wish there were a magic potion to get all our lives back to normal but there isn’t. Ladies come here often. To read others posts or to vent we are all here for each other. I wish I had found this site earlier than I did because for months I thought I was really going nuts. This site won’t take away the pain but it will help to realize you are not alone. Lots of hugs & Love to you all Mary
I would just like to say thank you for all the condolences and all the help I receive from this site. I checked a box somewhere when I first posted and I get any new updates in my inbox every day. Reading these new posts each morning seems to give me strength knowing that I am not alone in this new position of widowhood. I was given a book by Joyce Rogers, the widow of Adrian Rogers, the pastor (they had been married for 54 years and he passed one week before Thanksgiving and her advice was to not make any decisions until ‘the fog’ has lifted. You cannot see clearly. Good advice. I am considering joining a group for grieving widows in our town, since the posts at this site help so much, maybe going to a live group would be good. One other thing that I did that might help someone else is, we had 7 pictureboards at the funeral, each one a different stage of my husbands life from young to old, pictures of him with siblings and parents to wives ( I was his 3rd and married to him for almost 27 years), to pictures of Children and Grandchildren and of course many hunting and fishing pics. I took all my favorite pictures of Charlie and I and the family and bought a 3 X 4 foot corkboard and filled with pictures of happy times and my son put it up on the wall behind my computer, I just used push pins to put them on). I also put a couple of favorite 5 X 7′s of him in frames and they are here on the desk and of course his picture is on my desktop on my computer, so when I log on I see his smiling face and I always see it and say, “I love you honey, and I miss you”. He is everywhere in this house. He did a lot of carpenter work on it. Have you ever had someone in your house with perfume or cologne on and you could still smell it after they were gone? That is what it is like here. I feel his presence all around me. Marilyn, I am so sorry about your husband Bob’s passing. I cannot imagine the shock that you have been through. Also sorry Mary about your husband Ed. Those both seem so sudden. My husband passed so slowly. Cancer is like that when you have been through all the chemo and radiation a couple of times to find out it has spread everywhere, spinal canal, pelvis, lung and bone and even with all that news, you still are too numb to expect a death. Too all my friends here, I feel a special bond that seemed to appear so quickly as I read the posts. I guess it is what they call a ‘common bond’. My love and hugs to all of you. We will see better days ahead. It is what the one who left us behind would want.
Hello friends, old and new. To our new ladies, we welcome you with big hugs and hearts. This holiday season is extremely hard. To my new friends–my husband died of sudden cardiac arrest on Dec. 19, 2009. No warning, nothing. He was making lunch in between coaching youth hockey games and collapsed. We have 4 children –2 still at home with me (15 and 9). The other 2 (25 & 23) live very close by. We were married 25 years, together almost 27. I am now 49 so I was with him over 1/2 my life. The support this site has given rivals no other. No one understands what we are going through, although people are very supportive and kind. We have each other and a safe place to vent, cry, laugh, and support.
Much love to all,
Lori
I feel so sad for those of you who have children at home who have lost their father as well as your husband. My husband and I had no children together but his son and daughter from a previous marriage are well grown and established with their own lives. They were lucky to have had their Dad for a long time. I think I said before that my husband was significantly older than I but we had 33 years together (30 married) and I just thought that would go on. We had obviously discussed the inevitable but I really am not prepared. He had a number of health issues starting about 7 years ago but continued to carry on and did not even want to retire from his business. This last one put him in hospital for the last six weeks. He amazed the doctors and medical staff in overcoming the difficulties and plans were being made for him to come home. And then he was gone. If I remember all the good times I think I miss him even more. But if I remember the struggles he was having with his health, I have to believe it was the right time. Then I start feeling selfish for wishing he was still here.
Hi,
My daughter just set her laptop in front of me with this website on it. She found it this morning after a day yesterday where I couldn’t stop crying. I cried on and off all day Thanksgiving too but hid it from everyone. I am at her home far away from my home. I have gotten pretty good at faking being happy so I don’t ruin everyone else’s day. I am really trying to balance the ups and downs but don’t really think I’m winning the challenge.
My husband died Aug. 20, 2010 (on my grandsons BD and 1 day before mine) He’s been fighting cancer for 3 years. I was with him every step of the way. We really thought he was going to beat it. He had a liver transplant, many chemo & radiation treatments, neck & 2 brain surgeries. He was such a fighter. He finally said enough is enough and refused more brain radiation. The Dr said he would live only 1 month without it. He lived 5 months. I still can’t believe he is gone and all the effort of trying to help him survive is gone. It was all consuming and gave us a reason to get up every morning and face the challenge of the day. The feeling of failure is overwhelming even though I don’t really talk about that. Everyone says “You did a fantastic job” or “You went above and beyond the call of duty”. And yes I did. I gave it my best effort 24/7 for 3 years. But that doesn’t make it feel like a success.
I know we all say “time” will help. But my Mom died 3 yrs ago on the day before my husband went in for his first surgery. I still miss her. My Dad died the following year. I still miss him. How much time does it take? I’m 59 years old. I’m not sure I have that much time left.
It sound like I’m a totally negative person but I’m not. I always try to find the good in things. I know my loved ones are in heaven and I wouldn’t want any of them to have to come back here to suffer the way they all suffered (Mom had alzheimer’s 10 yrs. Dad had prostate cancer) I haven’t really told anyone this whole story so I’m hoping it will help to tell it to other people who have been through similar situations. I feel blessed to have a loving family, 3 kids and 4 grandkids. Other friends and family have been very supportive and will help me anytime I ask. I just don’t even know what to ask for or how to proceed. This is one of my first steps. Thanks for providing this format to find others like me.
Hi Peggy,
I feel like I’m reading my story when I read yours. I am so sorry you had to experience so many losses in your short life. My experience is so similar to yours that my heart broke when reading it. All the emotions came rushing back and I am a puddle right now. My husband passed away on Oct. 6, 2010. He had Multiple Myeloma (blood/bone cancer). My father passed away a year prior on Aug. 14, 2009 from lung cancer and lymphoma. I took a year out of my teaching career to care for my dad and then a year to take care of my husband. I researched every possible alternative and we worked very hard to clean up the diet and use supplements to increase chances of survival … only to fail. It does feel like an overwhelming failure and hurts to the very core. I am so sorry you feel this pain. I thought I was the only one feeling this failure. We have 3 wonderful sons (20, 19, and 16). I am so fortunate to have my boys as they are trying hard to take care of things and me. I have developed a pretty good “poker face” and they can rarely see the sadness, but yes my heart aches each and every minute.
I have noticed that all of the husbands mentioned in these blogs were kind, generous, wonderful men. I have heard this is called the type C … cancer personality. Maybe it’s best to be miserable, mean, and confrontational. My husband was the most gentle of men and he had a heart to match. He made it so easy to love him.
Anyway, I am so sorry for your pain and everyone else on this blog.
Alanna
On Friday June 4 2010 we took my husband to the doctor with a headache … perscribed tylenol 2s and sent home … by that evening he had a full blown headache … I threw him in the truck and took him to a hospital .. after sitting in emerg for 6 hours they finally took him in …. by 1:30 the next day he was diagnosed with a vertebral dissection … transferred to a bigger hospital Saturday … had to wait till Monday to get Angiogram as doctors don’t work weekends. Monday came and he was “bumped” …. Tuesday morning at 6:30 the dissection ruptured putting him in cardiac arrest. He was on life support and we had to wait and see what his prognosis was to be … he ended up being severely brain damaged with no hope for a meaningful life. My husband died June 16th 2010 at 41 years of age. We have 2 daughters a 5 year old and a 1 year old. We had only been married a year together for 6. We had just started our life together and now i’m on my own again! My heart is broken and will never heal but I go on for my daughters as he would have wanted. But I Want Him Here Dammit!
I am so sorry for all you losses and it breaks my heart to know that you are feeling the sadness and loss as bad as I do. To hurt this bad shouldn’t happen to anyone. I have shed so many tears and I will shed more for of all of you. I hope all of us can just find one thing to smile about everyday until we smile more then we cry. God bless all of you.
Theresa
Today was so strange. Half the day was spent doing exactly what I did 1 yr ago today. Nov.27,2009 was black friday, after Ed :& I spent a few hrs in the morning shopping we came home & I started to make Brian’s carmel apple cheesecake for his birthday. We then gathered at his apartment for his family birthday party. It was the last time we were all together. Now Nov 27, 2010 I fixed Brian’s cheesecake & took it over to his apartment where we were all together once again. Everyone except of course Ed. I wouldn’t let myself be sad til I came home. But I felt as though I was in some sort of strange time warp. In exactly 15 hrs it will be 1 yr since his attack. I am already starting to have flashes of seeing him washing the walls, taking a break, then screeming at him “what’s wrong?!” Tomorrow I’ll be babysitting. I didn’t think this was going to hit me as much as it has. The whole year has been hell, I figured the 1 year stuff would just be another few days. I was wrong. I look at this past year so many things have happened. I’ve taken 2 vacations & 1 mini vacation, I’ve gotten a new dog & a new car, we’ve had a wedding, 2 engagements & a grandbaby on the way. Our granddaughter has grown so much this year. So many things have changed, but it also seems that life stopped on Nov 28, 2009 at about 1:00pm when he first had his attack. Brian said yesterday that for him it seems like a lot longer than a year. For me it seems like just yesterday. I sometimes can still almost feel his touch & hug. I still talk to him while alone in the house just like a crazy old lady. I wish that while he was still in the ER before he went into his coma I could have said something to him, something wise or profound. All I did was joke around with him. Even the doctors didn’t know it was as bad as it was, they thought he’d be home in a couple days. I wish I had know!!! I would have said something worth saying! This is going to be a rough week for me. I know I’ll get through it, but my gosh a year. It seems like everyone else has “moved on” and although I have made great strides I’m still in the black hole. Thanks for listening ladies I’ll probobly be back this week to vent some more.
Love & hugs to all
Mary
Doesn’t sound like you needed to say anything profound for I am sure your husband knew how much you loved him and still do. Life is just hard without your other half. No easy way to get through it and we grief as long as we need to.
Hugs, Theresa
Sorry I meant grieve as long as we need to.
Just checking in with all of you beautiful ladies….
Was thinking today had my husband, Bob, been diagnosed properly with lung cancer in 2008, would be still be here with me today? Or…. had being misdiagnosed twice (fractured rib for a year and a half, then pneumonia)…save his family from the suffering that goes along with a lung cancer diagnosis.
As I read the posts from my other friends here, I’m grateful to have all of you for support and love, but sad we’re all trying so hard to figure out what to do and how to live our lives without our wonderful husbands. For me, I’m running around in circles, like a dog chasing its tail. Going nowhere and exhausted from the journey.
After months of home repairs, deciding to sell and find a “new place,” then cancel the purchase and listing agreements, I’m returning to completing the home repairs I started and staying in the home Bob and I lived in for many years. There are issues, though. I’m haunted by the remembrance of home hospice and witnessing his death. I’ve painted, carpeted, moved furniture in the living room (where he died) and still can’t return to our bedroom or his office. I watched them take him from here after his death. I miss him.
All I can do is offer each and every one of you my support, comfort and love. Thank you for posting. Hearing from all of you helps me to get through a very difficult time.
“Mare”
Today I tried to get out of bed but I felt like the world was holding me down. I just couldn’t move. The fear of facing life without my husband Ron was overwhelming. I am up now but still feel so scared and just want to cry and never stop. I yell his name and there is nothing but silience. I pray that I don’t feel like this much longer and I am not such a coward. I read your stories and feel my heart breaking for all of you. I wish I could reach out and hug all of you and say magic words that would make all of you feel better. I am so sorry that all the hurt I am feeling you are feeling also. I am so mad that God took my Ron and left me behind to hurt day after day. My husband was such a wonderful man and so kind. We build our home together so everywhere I look I remember the good times and that makes me feel even worse for those times are gone. I also remember home hospice and seeing my husband’s strong body fade and no one could help. His last days stay in my head until I feel like I am going crazy. The Cancer took everything from him. His body and his mind. The Cancer took everything from me and my family. I am in my 60′s and we were to be together for a lifetime. We has so many things still to do. I will close now for today is just really a bad one. Thank you for listening. Theresa
Hi Theresa. I am sorry that you are hurting so. I hope today was a better day for you. I know sometimes remembering the good times can hurt, but at least we had those good times. I promise you that one day they will make you smile. Anger towards God is a normal part of the grieving process. When hospice was here at the house, I sat with two of our sons and we were looking at their Dad as he slept and I said to them, “If Dad could stand here at the end of this bed and see what we see, he would say Get my gun and put this man out of his misery.” He would not want to be here like that. I know that and like many others, I wouldn’t want him back to suffer as he was before Hospice got here. He was on 12 mg of Dauladid an hour for pain (enough to put down a horse according to a nurse family member). I asked when they would give him morphine and the nurse said that dauladid was 10 times stronger than morpphine. Wow. I pray that our love for each other in this journey will help ease the pain that we are all experiencing. There seems to be so many of us on this site and new ones all the time. May God hold you all in his loving arms. May you all feel his presence to comfort you.
Hi Karen,
I wouldn’t want my husbnd still here for I know he was suffering and he had to go with God to be well again. I just miss him so much and wish he never had Cancer. He was my safty net and now I don’t know how to go one without him. Life is so hard now and scary and I am so mad. I hope God does hold all of us in his loving arms and shows us some way to find comfort. Thank you for you kind words. Theresa
Hi Theresa: I just read your post and I know some of what you are feeling. Not only have I lost my beautiful husband, I am very isolated and feeling pretty down sometimes. If you would like to talk to me, maybe it would help a little to have a voice on the other end of the line. Just post here and let me know. That goes for anybody else who would like to communicate via phone. Love, Terre
Hi Terre,
I would love to talk to you or anyone else that needs to talk. My phone number is (330-889-2611)
Thank you, Theresa
My husband passed away 9/8/10. I literally had a melt down on Thanksgiving. Actually I started crying the night before and continued on all day on Thanksgiving. The holidays are the worst, especially when you & your husband were so festive and really celebrated the holidays together for 27 yrs. I feel dead myself sometimes. I eventually stopped crying, as I was upsetting my step-son. He is 36 yrs. old; however, it pained him to see me cry so much. He was hurting inside also. We finally ate Thanksgiving dinner around 5 PM. The next day through Sunday I got better, went shopping, mailed out of town gifts, etc. Sunday, I went back to church which was very good for me. This has been a nightmare for me. Some days I just don’t want to exist. However, I have a strong faith so won’t do anything stupid. I miss my husband so much. I don’t have any of my family members living. My husband was my life. Thanks for the words. I hope I get better in time.
Linda, I am so sorry for your loss. You time frame and mine are very similar. My husband died exactly three weeks behind yours and we had 28 years of holidays together. I fully understand everyone’s tears on the holidays. We feel like our heart is bleeding. I believe spiritually it is. The Bible says ‘the two become one flesh’ in a marriage. When one of those spirits is taken away, we’re left with a gaping hole that will take time to heal. Trust the Lord to help you. He will never leave you or forsake you. Until we see our loved one again, we just need to keep busy. I find myself looking for people to help. Someone who needs a ride, a meal or just someone to talk to. It is very healing. Things will get better for you. I am praying for you.
Linda,
I lost my husband 10/18/10 so know how you feel. I cried so much Thanksgiving and am not looking forward to Christmas. I am glad you have God to turn to and I hope he sees you through this nightmare. I also feel like I died the day my husband did. I no longer find joy in anything. I am jus sad. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Theresa
Veronica – come back and speak to us sweetheart. I know it’s painful and you are feeling very angry right now, but here women just like you, will listen. We help each other, as you can help us. I can cliche you to the max right now, but at the moment, come back and speak to us, even shout at us. We have been there and truthfully, honestly and openly we know what you are going through. Nx ‘ :@
To the rest of you wonderful ladies out there, we are united in grief, in finding our path and making this journey together.
For those who are just embarking, stay for a while read the posts that have gone before and get to know us, as we will get to know you. Let us learn from each other, let us lean on each other and above all let us comfort each other.
Love, peace and strength coming to all of you.
It is a few days off 1 year since I found this site, and although I don’t participate much these days, I read everyone of your posts. Veronica – come and stay for a while.
Much love
Normaxxx
I’m here Norma …. I just keep on reading all of the comments posted … It helps I guess … I’m just going through a sad spell … trying to keep busy … my girls keep me busy but it’s the down times I have a hard time with …. when they go to bed … when I put Alexandra on the bus and I have to wait till Katherine wakes up…. driving in the car on the longer trips. I’m still crying alot … I don’t let the girls see as much anymore but they still catch me every now and again. It’s my 5 year old when she remembers situations about when daddy was alive that get me too …. she remembers alot.
I bought a small house and am attaching it onto my mobile home like an addition. I’m in a slump because I hate doing all this work by myself!!!! My husband is supposed to be here with me helping! My poor mum lives with me and I have been miserable towards her! I don’t want to live with my mum …. I want my husband back! I have apologized to her and feel very bad … Thank goodness she is here with me helping with my 2 girls!
I went out last night to a small town do and everyone was so happy with thier significant others and I was standing there with my fake smile on feeling lonely!
The other night I went to a candle party and at the end it ended up talking about what had happened to me … i hate that … i hate when everyone is watching me cry.
I think i’m getting a cold so I feel tired and my neck is sore as well as a small headache.
LOL … well you asked for it
On the other hand Both my girls ate alot for supper and we had Ice Cream for dessert. We had watched a movie and played in thier room for a bit and now we are about to start bedtime fun … bedtime snack, brush teeth make a jug for katherine and change her bum 1 more time b4 bed and bedtime story …. My all time favorite time of the day!!!!! So i’m going to put these 2 to bed and I will come back and check If you have chatted back at me
Thank you for the invite to talk …. you rock Lady!
Hi Veronica,
I know how you feel for I want my husband back also and I miss him so much. Everything I do I want him beside me helping me with the things we used to do together. Now everything is on my shoulders and feels so heavy at time. You are so lucky to have a Mother to help you through this. Both my parents are gone. Thank God I have wonderful brothers. I hope things for you get better and cry if you need to. It is the only thing that gets me through the day. Tears are my best friend these days. Be kind to yourself. Theresa
Hi Theresa … Thank You for your kind words
And Yes it is great to have my mum here!
Here is a thing I haven’t heard on here yet?
Coming down with a cold or flu bug …. Now I think what if I am dying now? I don’t have a will done up yet … who will look after my girls! Need to call lawyer in the am and get a will!!!!!!
Thats how it was with my husband …. he was perfectly healthy then all of a sudden he got a headache and 12 days later he was dead!
Night all … too quiet … going to sleep.
Nice one Veronica, it’s good to talk.
It’s natural to think ‘bad thoughts’ especially when you have small children to look after. I’m lucky in that respect, although there are times when it feels unlucky. There is a way around that, sweets, go and make a will and talk to those who you feel, you’d want to look after your girls. Its all part of the little things you need to deal with.
I moved back in with my Dad in June. We are both in the same boat, my mum passed away 4 weeks before my husband did, and if it wasn’t for my Dad, and me moving back home, I’d not be here to write this.
Going out, when I actually get invited, is the same for me. Trying to be happy watching other couples and the little expressions of love they show each other when they don’t think others are watching. Hearing news of engagements, wedding arrangements and baby annoucements, it sucks big time. Everyone appears to be so happy, and we are all so sad and feel like bursting in to tears. It might not pass for a while, Veronica, but look at this way, it can only get better.
Believe me or not, but being able to write down your thoughts and to share them with this amazing bunch of women and the occasional man (yes we have invited them in), is like being in therapy. I don’t want the other ladies to think I’m ignoring them, because I feel for their pain. I picked up on your post, because I could feel it in your words, how low you were feeling, and you needed to talk.
Your mum will understand why you might get narky with her, but sometimes it’s good to remind her when you are feeling a bit more calm. Take each day as it comes, Veronica, do the best you can, that’s all that anyone can ask of you.
Cry when you need to
laugh when you can
but above all, if you get one thing out of your day, make it a smile and who better to smile with than your girls.
Much love
Normaxxx
Norma, you are a tonic. You do rock.
Peggy, welcome. We’re all here for you. My husband Steve (40 y/o) went to hospital on April 12 at 110.30pm with a stomach bug, died at 7am from a cardiac arrest as I had nipped home to feed out 10 m/o daughter. I am so strong, so fun, so loved but sobbing and sobbing and sobbing now for you and for me..
Mary – me too! New job, new car, various holidays but he’s still obviously not around.
Mare – I’m annoyed you didn’t get to move on geographically. I wonder why??
Lori, I feel like I know you.
Veronica , so with you. I assembled my daughter’s first bike the other day. I just knew my husband was helping me do it. It was sooo what he was wanting me to do for her.
Alanna, you make me cry even harder. These gentle men. Why? All I can concede is that they belong up there.
Linda – my husband loved the festivities. I think am just going to avoid the events I don’t have to go to (like weekend long lunches with 30 friends that my husband and I attended a year ago) and only go to the family stuff. Please don’t leave us, we need you.
Terre/Theresa – did you chat? I hope it helped. So amazing we can be here for each other. If anyone wants to chat to crazy me, let me know.
I spoke to my clairvoyant on Saturday and my husband connected with me through her. It was amazing. She told me things that only he and I knew. I was on such a high knowing that he is looking protecting us as always, but also so bewildered that he has just gone, puff, gone, an instant, no warning. Such a hard working, caring, real man. Over. It musn’t be over. There must be a better place for them. I’m told Steve is so happy in the most beautiful garden, and he also wakes Ruby up for a play so i need to have a chat about that with him!!
You are all my dear dear friends. I think we all loved the barriers the site creates but honestly if anyone wants to chat, I am here.
Love and bear hugs, Kate x
Yes, Terre and I did speak on the phone a few times and it really helped to hear a human voice and made me feel a better. Thanks to all that called me. Your kindess touched my heart.
Theresa
Karen- I know the scent too. You nailed it. x
I love this site
So glad I found you all!
I would love to chat with you Kate. How do I do that?
Veronica,
You might like the widow site in Ireland at http://www.widow.ie. They have an online chat that many people really enjoy.
Thanks to you all who post often…. it helps to keep being reminded that I am not the only one suffering from this indescribable loss. It has been two and a half years since my man died, and I still have moments of that feeling of: ‘It can’t be possible!’ I think you all know what I mean.
Jeanine
Well Ladies, it’s the 1st Anniversary of Martin’s death. at 1530 GMT he will have been gone for a whole bloody year!
It’s terrible weather over here just now, and I’m at the Library to pick up books for my essay on Philosophy, due on Monday my Birthday. Considered asking for an extension, but think I will see how far I get and re-assess the situation on Friday.
I’ve not got anything planned for today, I have considred sitting in my Dad’s bar and getting drunk, but I think I will go and phone his aunty Betty. She was the closest of Martin’s family, to Martin that is, and I think it would be nice to check that she is ok. I got a text from his cousin last night. It’s the Tuesday thing, technically it was 52 weeks ago yesterday, but his official date is the 1st December.
So no longer will it be known as World Aids Day, it has been hijacked and will forever more be known as Martin woz ‘ere, day.
I will probably post a little later, to let you know how I’m getting on. It’s 1115 over hear in sunny (hahahahahahahhahahaha) Scotland.
Much love
Normaxxx
Norma,
You are a very brave lady. I am thinking about you know. You have all my empathy, love and understanding right now. I hope you can feel it. You have weathered, grown, achieved, endured so much in that one year. You have to feel very proud of yourself for keeping us all laughing and intrigued while going through so much pain and suffering. Here’s to you girlfriend. May the universe be full of pleasant surprises.
Terre, my email is kdavieshk@yahoo.com
Let’s work something out. In HK we are 13 hours ahead of NY if that helps!!
Jeanine, you have been an amazing support to me. Thanks.
Love to all, Kate x
Twitter: miraclady
December 1, 2010 at 8:03 am
Dear Ones -
Do you know about Skype?
Free download. Buy a cheap mike and you can talk to your heart’s content to each other as long as you want to any other Skype user.
You do not have to be a techie. Very easy.
Look into it. Many of you are far and away from each other. It is a great service.
.
Norma, I woke up this morning thinking of you. I’ve learned so much from you and value your input. Know I am thinking of you today.
Love, hugs and peace,
Lori
Almost time – yes I’ve hit the bar, and I’m suitably ‘happy’. My sister is here and is making sure I’m safe!
Martin, you touched my life in so many ways
you taught me things, I’d never expected
It’s almos time to say goodbye,
gone but never forgotten.
I love you so much, I miss you so much, I wish you were here.
I’ve got to go now and make a snowman, I’ve done the pussy prints
Forever loved, forever missed
your Bloody Bitch
‘ :@
Nx
Hi ladies, it’s strange what you remember. This is the week Ed was in the hospital. Even though today is Wednesday, last yr was Tuesday. I remember talking to him & knowing he heard me even though he showed no signs. I keep reliving the horrid week each day. Norma, I think on Saturday, the actual anniversary of his death, I too, will have a few drinks. I’m not much of a drinker but heck why not?!
Kate do you really believe in your clairvoyant? I’m not sure I do but think I may. Many years ago I went to a place in NY state called Lillydale. It’s a spiritualist colony where they do readings in the summer. I remember how strange it was because the man I went to described my greatgrandmother exactly. I’ve also been reading “Talking to Heaven” I want soooo bad to believe that Ed is with me & that some of the things that have happened since he’s been gone aren’t just coincidences. But I’m not sure. If I could truly believe Ed was here with me things would be a bit easier. This week is very hard. It’s strange to think he’s been gone an entire yr. My mom & sister told my youngest that I should have “been over it long ago.” I don’t understand, maybe I should have, but how do you get over loosing a major part of you that quickly? I just don’t know ladies. I put on my “happy face” when I go out & even when I talk to people on the phone, but to “get over it”?!!!!
It’s a year, it’s the holidays, I’m going to cry here alone in my house. Right or wrong that’s what I’m going to do.
Thanks for listening,
lot of hugs to you all,
Mary
Mary, How do you get over losing the person that you loved more then life? Moving on is not anything that is going to happen anytime soon if ever. We lost our partner, friend and lover. The person that made us whole. Do things at your own pace. Cry if you need to and miss your husband as much as you want to. I will also cry in my home alone and don’t care if it is right or wrong.
I know I’m NEVER going to get over losing the person that I loved more then life!
I will go on and make a wonderful life for our children
Do we truly ever get over lossing anyone? No not really. I’ve experienced this through my Mum, and Martin, but also my Mum, lost a baby girl at 6 months old (just before I was born) and I remember she had that sense of loss for Susan throughout her life.
Just because our life has left the world, we must, for their sake, try to make a new life. Firstly because that is what they would want, secondly for ourselves, and thirdly for our children and family (I have no kids, so for my family definitely).
In the beginning, we all feel like our life is over, but it isn’t. We need to do the little things, or learn to do the little things our partners did for us. We take on new challenges, which could even be just getting up in the morning and facing the world on our own. We rebuild our lives, we move on, but one thing remains constant, WE NEVER FORGET.
For all you ladies out there, who have decided to put the brave face on when out in public and to cry when you are alone at home. WHY? I was at uni today and whilst I was posting and reading my email, I cried in public. I cry when I’m at home watching the TV, and my dad is smart enough to let me get on with it, even though he can see me. I cry on the bus, or whilst going around the supermarket, and no-one comes up to me to ask if I’m OK. I cry at work, sitting at my desk trying to work, and I cry when I’m in the car, driving home. Tears are a part of our lives now, Ladies, and whether it is one week, one month, one year, or more, we will continue to cry for the love we’ve lost.
I had my drink this afternoon, actually I had 4, and was totally out of my face, so much so I had to go for a little lie down. It was good to get a few hours sleep without having to count sheep. I don’t drink, so 4 in one day is like binge drinking. It’s almost out of my system, but thankfully I’m still tired so a cup of tea and back to bed.
Stay strong ladies, life is for living, although I confess I thought about joining Martin and Mum, last night, but grief does that to you. I’m here, alive today, and I know that my life isn’t over, and it’s time to try and reclaim it. A friend of ours put a little tribute to Martin together and placed it on you tube. Unfortunately I don’t know where, but I’ve added a link below, if you are interested.
I love you all, strength, love and peace.
Normaxxx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BODWaDTHHZc&feature=player_embedded
copy this into your address bar, it will play automatically.
To all my lovely friends….
Oh, how I read those posts from all of you and relate to every single one of them. We are “one” no doubt.
NORMA….my wonderful “motherly half.” What can I say? We try so hard to rebuild and find our way through all of this and discover it’s easier said than done. Our lives will never be the same, we know that. Finding peace and joy is a daunting task. I love you, Norma, and admire your determination to keep “chipping away” at that wall of grief we all find in front of ourselves. I’m stuck. Just stuck. As hard as I’ve tried to make changes….they didn’t happen. Going to “coast for a while” and concentrate on fixing up the house I wasn’t meant to sell. Remember, when you told me months ago, it wasn’t right….that Bob wasn’t ready to go? I remember. Sending you lots of cuddles and always look forward to hearing from you.
Dear KATE….As hard as I’ve tried to sell this place and move to another, I’ve come to the realization it’s just not meant to be. I was packing this place up and ready to go. When Rebecca’s boss (who is an attorney) told her to tell me not to purchase the property I was interested in, plus all the other “signs” I was getting, it was time to stop, listen, feel and re-evaluate. I did. My desperate attempts of trying to find peace and harmony have not paid off, so far. Maybe, I’m trying too hard and “going against the grain.” Don’t know. Think I’ll stay still for a while. Love and hugs to you and your beautiful baby girl, Ruby.
Well, girls, here we are….
All I think of lately is “last year at this time, we were….
I had a good life then and felt secure and happy.
Some of us have just begun the journey without our beloved men. Me? I’m 7 months into this journey without my Bob (as of December 7th.) Wish I could say it’s gotten easier but it doesn’t seem so. Like I mentioned before, I’m in a “time warp.” I have my memories and constantly reminesse my 32-year marriage to a great man (we were together a total of 34 years.) I want my life back with him; we all want our lives back with our wonderful, wonderful husbands.
Reading your posts bring me a sense of balance. I know I’m not alone. All we can do is hold on to one another and hope for the best.
Love to all,
“Mare”
Mare, oh please don’t misunderstand me. I am not annoyed with you. Just a saddened that you are not happier. You deserve a beautiful shift. i want only the best for you. I wish I could mastermind it. I would. I want you to know how much energy I am getting from change and full-time work. My in box at home on computer and in tray is jam packed with things to do but it doesn’t matter, I have great people around me at work all day and newness everywhere and it feels right. The risk is good for me. Not for everyone.
Mary – I am cynical for sure. Always am. But this lady just nailed it. How does she know that Ruby and I lie on the bed playing with pearls. My maiden name is the only name she has had exposure to on email. I have told her nothing about Steve’s name or Ruby’s surname. She said why are the letters RO so important to me now? They are the first two letters of my married name, Steve’s surname. Ruby’s surname. It went on from there. Do I believe her. Well she just said soooo many things that only Steve and I knew.. like the name we would have called Ruby had she been a boy. And so on…
Norma, don’t you even think about joining Martin and your Mum!! Not before we have all met please!!!
Corrine, yes skype is amazing but also very frustrating. I have a cheap phone like which makes calls a little less clumspy and disjointed. Please let me know if any of you need a chat. I’m here.
Lerv Kate x
Kate, I am happy to hear that you have a job and are so happy being there. That is a good thing. I guess it is not for everyone though. I sometimes consider getting, at least, a part time job. Something to fill the hours. I am a Christian and follow the Bible. In it, it says that Lucifer was kicked out of heaven and took one third of the angels with him. It also says that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers and against the rulers of the darkness of this world. There are evil spirits all around us. And if you are communicating with them, they can tell you what color underwear you are wearing or what piece of mail is out in your mailbox. They see everything. They want your trust. God says do not consult mediums. He doesn’t tell us this to keep us in the dark, it is to keep us safe. Believe me you do not want demons in your life. They will tell you exactly what you want to hear though. They can lure you in. It is your life so I don’t want to tell you what you can or cannot do. Just wanted to let you know what you are in for if you go the dark way. I believe that God does send us little things into our life so that we know our loved one is okay. God has better plans for you. I know a lot of you wouldn’t want to hear it but there may be someone else out there for you for the rest of your journey on this earth. You will never stop loving the one who left but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room to love someone else. I do not think this is for me, but just saying for those who are left behind, not to spend too long looking at the door that has closed in your life because there may a new open one waiting for you to open. I am going out of town for a while with a friend and neighbor. She has a house in Indiana and we will go there. She lost her only daughter in a car accident in January of 2009. We both have a sadness. I hope the trip does me good. I almost hate to leave here at all as this was where my hubby took his last breath and where we spent the last 25 years together, but I think he would tell me to go, so go I shall. I pray for all of you that your hearts can mend in time. I talked to a man who lost his wife 23 years ago (he is remarried) and he told me he still misses her and thinks of her everyday so what does that tell us? There will always be a void that no one can fill. Much love to you all. You have helped me more than words can ever express. Love to all. Karen
Mare, you first sweetheart. Read the signs, he’s not ready to let you move. It’s good that you have people looking out for you (your daughters lawyer friend/boss), and it’s good that although you haven’t achieved what you want at this time, you are not stopping there. Take the break, get away for a bit, some thinking time. When you come back, then you can have a long talk with your hubby and let him know exactly what you want. He will listen (it’s not like he has a lot of options, yes go on smile), if he realises how much you need it then selling your house and finding a home will be much easier. I love you sweetheart, I think about you often, but don’t feel skeptical about how I’m handling my grief, I’m an open and honest person and although you may think at times I’m writing what others need to hear, that’s not the way it is. I have good days, and I have bad days, but above all I have days. They may be lonely days, but it is up to me to try to make them as filled with life as I can. I’m glad I’ve reached the end of this year, I feel like I’ve been set free. Now let’s see what tomorrow brings.
Yay Kate, I couldn’t agree more, we definitely need to meet. January I’ve planned to start saving for my holiday of a life time in 2012, New Zealand, Japan and Hong Kong. I went to Spain on my own, so 2012 should be a breeze! (yes I know ambitious or what).
for Karen S. Keep strong in your faith. It is true that demons can come through and know everything about you, but back in Victorian times, Prince Albert was very in to the spirtual and if I rememberly rightly he helped with the founding of the Spiritualist Church. People who join the SC, are followers of God and Jesus, but they also believe in the spirit and some can channel their energies to communicate with the Spirits of those who have gone over. Some are charlatans and exploit the needy, others only want to help. Always they begin with a prayer to God, to ask God to allow the spirits to come through so they can communicate with their loved ones. Although the bible may tell you differently, God will send the sign as God see’s fit. So perhaps the information being received by Kate’s medium is with God’s blessing. If not then God will sort it out. Thank you though, Karen, I know you are only looking out for Kate, and that’s what we do, look out for each other.
I on the other hand, am an unbeliever of God of any kind. So some would say that this time of grief has been doubly hard. I applaud you for your strength of faith, and if you could pray for my Mum, because she believed.
Sorry ladies if it appears to have been a bit of a rant tonight, but I’ve been studying philosophy all day, and open and honest are my middle names (no they aren’t really)
so here is my parting thought
smile, because I am.
Much love
Nx
‘ :@
Norma you are such a wonderful person!
To all the ladies that are hurting, you can ask God to hlep you–and he will. Just believe in him. God has a plan for all of his children. We may not understand at first but we all will in good time. From 2000 to 2010, he took my sister, brother, mother, father, and then my husband. I just wanted to die when I lost my husband; he died January 18th, 2010 with lung cancer. I knew that God was going to get me through like he has so many other times. All of us here are mothers and we are here to take care of our loved ones and we don’t have our husbands here to help us when we need them.
I have to believe in my heart we are going to see our loved ones again, and that we’ll all be okay. You all are in my prayers. God bless you all.
Peggy – Gosh, you lost a lot of people between 2000 and 2010! Hey, I’m just curious, but how old are you? I ask because you seem to be handling things quite well, considering. Some people who had lost that many loved ones might be basket cases by now!
Debbie,
I am 54 years old and yes I have been a basket case. Losing your loved ones is no easy thing–it’s the hardest thing in life. But I believe that if it’s your time, it’s your time. We all are going to go one day. IF I didn’t have God in my life I don’t know what would happen. He is my everything, along with my three children. Life is hard, though, and sometimes I ask my self “Why are we here?”
Lots of love,
Peggy
Hi Peggy, not all of us are mothers here. If I believed in GOD and I asked GOD why I wasn’t blessed with kids, I know what the answer would be…
…You will have so much to deal with in your 4th Decade, kids would only be a distraction…
I have no regrets for my life so far, and I’m glad I don’t have children, because I would agree with God. If Martin and I had kids, I certainly would not have been able to have looked after him as I did, nor spend the time I needed to with my Mum, nor even bugger off to Blackpool to sit at my Dad’s bedside when he had his near fatal heart attack, nor deal with the numerous other things that have occured during the last 5 years. I will just have to be contented knowing that I can be Mother Hen to those who need me.
Keep the faith Peggy.
Much love
Nx
(ps Veronica, you are making me blush. Truly I am just me, so unique that people think I’m not for real.)
Norma,
All women are mothers in some way; we take care of children, family, friends, and many others in times of need. I’m sure you are a wonderful mother in this way.
God Bless,
Peggy
Hi ladies, How strange life is. Even in the midst of total heartache there is joy(more on that later). This week has been the anniversary of my “dark week”. Every day I have relived exactly what happened last year, tomorrow will be the day Ed died. Strange as it may sound today was the worst. I knew from the moment I woke that day I was going to have to make a decision. It was confirmed in my heart when we arrived at the hospital-the doctors weren’t saying much though. I went to the chapel, & spent time wandering alone, & visiting with him. I wasn’t saying much to the boys. I then went in to see him alone(Brian tried to follow but I wouln’t let him). I told the man among other things that I needed a “neon sign” that I couldn’t make a decision without him. 20 mins later the nurse came out & said “something is wrong” I wanted to scream WHAT HAS BEEN RIGHT THIS WEEK?! The nerologist was doing another scan. I knew right then that it was my “neon sign”. Shortly after the doc came out & told us the news -nothing left of his brain. My decision was made, I had to tell them to take him off the machine. It was scheduled for the next day. I’ve never been much of a “believer” but I have believed in the power of love. Ed always said “We can get through anything as long as we’re together”. I TRULY believe somehow he found a way to make sure I didn’t have to make a decision-he made it. In the end we did it together with the boys right beside us as we always had. My gosh, ladies, it’s been a friggin YEAR!!!
I stopped to visit our oldest son at work yesterday (his name is Ed, too). He’s the one that has stiffened up every time his dads names been mentioned. Well, to my surprise he starts talking about what this week is. We decided that we were going to get together at his place on Sunday (he doesn’t want to do it tomorrow) Hopefully the other boys will be able to join us & I’m going to bring Ed’s case of PBR & we’re going to drink for that wondeful man. Perhaps they’ll be ready to talk about their dad. I really want to celebrate his life!
And the best news, Brian & his fiance found out that they are having a girl! A new granddaughter, she’ll be our 2nd. We had 3 boys now our boys are having girls. Our baby boy is now having a baby of his own & it’s a girl! When Rick & Lisa had Lexie 3 yrs ago (3 yrs 12/15) we were so very happy. Ed for his short time of being a “papa” was such a wonderful one & kissed the ground she walked & crawled on. He would be so very happy that Brian & Keila were growing our family once again. As I said, life is strange. With such sorrow there really does come joy.
Thanks for listening ladies I’m sure I’ll be back tomorrow.
Lots of Love & Hugs,
Mary
Hi Mary. I am leaving town in an hour. Seems strange to go away with my husband but I am putting my best foot forward and going. I read your post as I wanted to check email before I left. I am sending you a great big hug. Your Ed would be so proud of you. Congratulations on the new Granddaughters upcoming arrival. She will be one of the lights in your life. I hope things go well on Sunday. Our loved ones are always alive when they are in our hearts. Love you. Karen S.
Norma, see you here. Blush away. you are special.
Karen, you could be right. Who knows.
Peggy. You must be amazing.
Mary, I am with you. it’s just surreal at times isn’t it. The moments we have to ensure.
Love Kate x
Hi,
I see another “Peggy” joined the conversation so I put my last initial to tell us apart.
I really like what Peggy said and feel the same way. We all have to get through this in our own way and it’s wonderful having God to give us the strength. It is also nice to have others going through the same emotions to talk and listen to.
I am still at my daughters’ house so I haven’t been online very much. I am going home on Monday and will be all alone again. I am really worried about being there without the distractions and activities I’ve had here. I hope to find things to do to help me feel needed and like I am making a difference in this world. The Holidays are here. I hope we can all make it through. I haven’t been without my husband, father & mother ever, in my whole life. Don’t really know how……. I certainly don’t want to sit around and cry the whole time. Is that all there is to look forward to?
Hee Hee … I just bought myself a Chihuahua
Now I have someone to watch TV with!
I’m so stupid … what is a Chihuahua?@!$#!?@
Other names Chihuahueño
Nicknames “New Yorker” (Mexico only)
Country of origin Mexico
[hide]Traits
Weight Male Under 6 pounds (Under 3 kilograms)
Female Under 6 pounds (Under 3 kilograms)
Height Male 6-10 inches (15-23 centimeters)
Female 6-10 inches (15-23 centimeters)
Coat smooth or long haired
Color white, black, tan and many other colors
Litter size normally 4
Life span 14-18 years
Ladies, well in 2 hrs I will have made it through an entire year! I guess I am the strong woman Ed always said I was. Today wasn’t a bad day. A very old friend (the widow of Ed’s best friend) posted a wonderful tribute to Ed on facebook that I saw 1st thing this morning. Eddie (our oldest) & I w!ent to the cemetary to put up his wreath. Your basic cemetary wreath with a personal touch from me 2 PBR cans attached. It’s something Ed would have liked. It was nice to do it with Eddie. I also spent some time with a dear friend helping her decorate her granddaughters birthday cake. Tonight I’ve had 2 glasses of wine. Norma I told you I’d drink! Now I’m back to drinking soda. I’m mellow & crying but I’m O.K. I looked at pictures even pretended to scratch his beard, funny I could still feel it. I cried at that too. I felt him today more than I have in a long time. It’s as if I was getting strength from him. For the first time in over a year I almost believe I’m going to be ok. The night Ed died I insisted on watching the last episode of the show “Monk”. Have no idea how the series ended but I remember the last song. When it went on I started to tear up then the family started listening to it & did the same as me. It’s a song by Randy Newman titled “When I’m gone” it’s on YouTube. I considered it a “sign” it was like Ed was sending me a message. Tonight I’m listening to it along with all my other “cry songs” but by God I & we’ll all make it! Thank you all for being here for me,
Lots of Love & Hugs,
Mary
Mary, you are an inspiration. So honest and so warm. Your Ed is no doubt giving you strength. Mutual respect does that too. I find that I spend my days wanting to be as good a person as my husband was. If only! It’s just wonderful that you can feel Ed around you. I truly believe they are around us. But even if they are not, we all know that if they knew we were so sad they would do anything in their power to change it.
My Steve was known as one who would have given the shirt off his back to anyone in need. He demonstrated it to me daily. I learned so many more good things about him after he died too.
Today I shed a tear as I drove past his old office and felt a wave of nostalgia. I just kept saying to myself “I hardly even knew you, I had so much more getting to know you to do”. We were married for two years only. All of a sudden I felt brave and pulled up outside a cheese/wine bar we frequented for the first time since he died. I used to think I could never go there, nor other places, but gradually I am stepping in to those spaces and feeling ok. As I stood at the counter and ordered my takeaway coffee, I looked around the room at all these people enjoying their cheese and wine and thought “that was us, none of you know me, none of you know I am a widow who used to spend long afternoons with my husband”. And only now, as I write this am I even remembering that we help our engagement party in the private room upstairs!! I can’t believe it didn’t even cross my mind as I stood there waiting. But that’s the funny thing about grief. My mind seems to protect me from harsh truth and reality sometimes. But then I ask myself, would I have felt differently if I had remembered that while I stood there this afternoon. Or would it have stopped me from going in? I wonder if Steve led me back there. He seems to be showing me that these places are not taboo, they are ours and I will need them in my life. Perhaps he is in them too.
I have started my new job and am loving all these incredible people I am meeting through work. Part of me gets upset that Steve won’t meet them, nor they won’t meet him, but the other part says.. he created this. He knows them all. He is bringing us all together.
I presented to senior management on Friday, my new plan for the business. I opened on a personal note. You could have heard a pin drop. I told them I am a new widow. My husband died in April. I have an 18 m/o daughter. I joined this company because it’s a growing family that I need to be a part of. My voice was trembling, my lips quivering but I held in the tears and slowly regained control as I moved through my business. I did it because I wanted to be real. I wanted them all to know what now drives me. What’s behind my decisions. It was pretty full-on and I questioned why I did it afterwards but feel glad it’s out there. We had a big team dinner and so many of the guys came and bonded and shared. It was really special. One of my closest friends, and Steve’s, as I have mentioned, got me this job and I think Steve masterminded the whole thing. I will just keep thinking that anyway.
Oh Dear God I wish he was lying on the sofa behind me as I type. He used to fall asleep with sleep apnea and I would beg him to go to bed on his respirator for some decent sleep and he would resist saying to me “don’t you know how much I just love being here in the same room, just dozing while you work away”. I used to love that feeling too when I was young. I would fall asleep at night, all cosy on the sofa while my mum cooked away in the kitchen. The sounds of her in the background warmed my soul.
I’m ranting. It’s about you Mary and Ed. Your Eddie sounds pretty special.
Norma, I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow honey. Happy Birthday! I hope it feels easier than you imagined. I have a strong feeling that there is a lot of love around you.
Love Kate
How do you get through each day? My husband, my best friend, my everything passed away on November 16. He was happy and healthy in July 2010, but started feeling tired and losing weight in August. On September 15 he was diagnosed with Stage IV Renal Cell Carcinoma (Kidney Cancer). The doctor gave him 12 – 24 months. Almost two months to the day of his diagnosis he was gone at just 51 years old. We barely had time to wrap our brains around the fact he had cancer before it took him. We didn’t have time to make preparations — we were too busy figuring out how to fight the beast.
I spent the first two weeks after his death contacting family and friends, planning his memorial service, creating slideshows of my husband for his memorial service. The memorial was December 1, and since then I’ve been a mess. I miss him so much. We were only married for five years, but together for eight. We did everything together, including work. We both worked at the same company and we carpooled together every day, we ate lunch together a lot — we did everything together.
And what happens to all of those people who come out of the wood work when a spouse dies and offers a shoulder whenever you need it? I had a very rough day yesterday and I just needed someone to sit and listen. I called four people and every person I called was willing to help me … as long as I drove to their house. It was dark, rainy, and I was upset; driving 30 minutes to an hour was not really an option for me. After the fourth call I gave up and just sat and cried. I have never felt so alone in my life.
I know life goes on, and we must rebuild our lives but right now it’s ovewhelming to think about getting into an empty bed tonight, much less figure out what I’m going to do tomorrow or the day after that.
Thanks for listening.
Hello Donna
I lost my husband to an Aneurysm in June. Took him in on the 4th with a headache and by the 16th he had passed away.
I had a similar anger about all the people that had promised me help “anytime” … it never came my way either ….. I guess its really easy to say at the time but then its too much of an inconvenience or they don’t know what to say so they avoid you like the plague or they don’t want to watch you cry and don’t know how to console you. I ended up saying “whatever” and quit calling on all help. I have two daughters a 5 year old and a 1 year old so it’s a bit easier for me … i’m only lonely when I put the girls to bed, in the morning after I put the oldest on the bus, long car rides, when Alex remembers what daddy used to say or do etc etc.
You know what I did to be able to sleep at night without all that burping/farting/snoring!!!! I went and bought myself a puppy …. a guard dog and she slept with me for about 4 months …. she fulfilled the noisy part of my husband and I was able to sleep. The first month till she was house trained was rough but I was getting up spontaneously anyways so letting her out and bringing her happy puppy face back to bed was a pleasure. And now that she is 9 months old she is really starting to guard her territory and I feel a bit safer without my husband and her being around. She now sleeps on the floor as she is too big for bed …. she pushes me out of bed!
I hope this helps a bit … This site is AWESOME because everybody here has lost a husband and knows what the other is kinda feeling … or where they are at.
Hang in there and just take one day at a time. Maybe a puppy?
Hello Veronica,
My husband, too, died of aneurysm. He complained of headache frequently but we did not suspect anything. Then on that fateful day, 27 Dec 2009, he left home to play golf and next I had his friend called me in the evening that he had collapsed and slipped into coma. Five days later, he was pronounced dead after series of test done by the hospital to prove to me that he’s dead. No words of goodbye from him. I was busy on the 1st week preparing for his funeral and follow by settling his estate issues. Then one month later, my father-in-law got admitted to hospital for strokes. That lasted for about 4 months and finally he had pneumonia and passed away. During that time, I was between grieving for my own husband and shuttling to and fro hospital visiting my father-in-law. I was soooo exhausted by the time he passed away.
It has been 11 months plus and in few weeks time will be his 1st death anniversay. And I’m still crying my heart out on certain days. The pain and grief will never be gone but we just have to accept that they are gone forever from our lives. Now crying and writing journal have become part of my life. It helps to relieves all the pain and heartache and the longing for him. This is what we can do to help myself for now and hope we can all walk out of this misery and face the world bravely without our husbands.
Hi Donna,
Just losing my husband less then a few months ago to Cancer I know how you feel. I have never felt so alone in my life either. Yes, I have friends and family but they have their own lives and the biggest part of my life is over. I have lost my better half and I cry all the time. The thought of Christmas is breaking my heart for it is our first apart. I am so sorry you are hurting so bad.
My best friends now has been tears and missing my husband. I pray every one is right and time makes this easier although I can’t see that right now. I hope we both have better days and the hurt gets less as time goes on. I don’t even know how to start rebuilding my life so if you find the answer please share. I am sending hugs your way.
Twitter: commentluv
December 22, 2010 at 8:01 pm
I am newto this site, myheart goes out to you, my husband passed away 6 weeks ao uexpectedly , I am so very lost right now,he was notony my my husband bu mybest friend of 8 years, if you want to email , im a good listener , i know it helps me to talk
Ipray God gives us all strengh.
emial:
mssara1962@yahocom
Hi Donna, after everything is done and dusted, it gets lonely because that is when you really have time to think and absorb what has happened. When I came home after Martin’s funeral, it was to an empty house. I didn’t know what to do, it was lonely and my heart was still breaking, AND THERE WAS NO-ONE THERE!
Granted I lived in quite a secluded location and the weather wasn’t that great, but I just felt that all those that said, if you need me call me, where being polite. I found that out later in the year, when I did need help, and no-one was really willing to make the effort, without me ranting down the phone at them. My niece and her fiance where brilliant though, and they still are. I’m so glad she met Dylan and I think they are made for each other.
It sucks big time, but come here when you feel the need. Not all of us live in the States, so even if it’s early hours of the morning or really late at night, someone will be around.
It’s been just over a year since Martin died, and tomorrow is the day I sent him to the gas chamber (sorry, Donna I have a bit of a wicked sense of humor, so please forgive me if my language seems a bit odd). I love my husband and I miss him more than my mum (we sent her to the gas chamber 4 weeks before Martin). I have both their urns in my bedside cabinet, so they are never far from me.
Take care Donna, come and see us, we will listen when no-one else has the time, and we will cry when you cry, laugh when you laugh, as you will with us.
Veronica – keep it up sweetheart, I can tell by your posts that your spirits are lifting, don’t forget, it is going to be a rollar coaster ride of ups and downs, but you know where we are. I can tell you are smiling, so don’t forget, and this goes for all of you lovely ladies out there, if you get one thing out of your day, make it a smile.
Much love, strength and peace going out to you all.
Normax
Hi Donna,
I am so happy that you found us. Take one day at a time. When time goes by things will fall into place. It is not going to be easy, but you will find strength to move on. Hang on here, the ladies here are god sent living angels giving support to each other.
Love, hugs and blessings to all!!!!!
Zulaifa
The day after my husband passed away from cancer I logged on and googled “my husband just died” and found this sight. That was 21 months ago that I found this wonderful group of like-minded women going through the same, awful thing. Now, I only check in every once in a while when I need to remember that I am not alone. What impresses me most is the growth of the spirits of these women. Zulaifa, I remember reading your first posts and how depressed you were. You sound like you are in a much better place. Time helps. We will never forget our beloved husbands. But, we are here. My best to everyone at this holiday season. Hang in there…..
I agree with Teresa. So many of you wonderful ladies found this site, when you needed it. A lot of the early posts are filled with great sadness (mines included), and now as time moves on (too quickly), the healing process does seem to be working.
I think that a lot of ladies who don’t find this site, probably move along at a similar pace, but I believe it is because of all the lovely ladies on this site, that we can be proud to say our journey has been easier because of the experiences we have all shared.
To those that have been around for a while, keep coming back, even if it is just to pop in and say hello. For all those lovely ladies who have just joined us, the pain of your loss is known by ALL of us, and we are here to help you, as you will help us.
I know I’ve said it many times, but it’s true. We learn from each other, no matter how old we are, or how long we were with our partners. It’s a good job that Corinne doesn’t charge for this site, because for me, if it weren’t here, I’d be in Therapy! and I don’t know about you ladies, but over here you’re looking at £30-£40 an hour, or an 18month waiting list for the NHS!
I’ve written my list to Santa (most of which he delivered on my birthday, so goodness knows what he’s going to bring in a few weeks), but I’ve put world peace on the back burner this year (that’s usually what I ask for), and I’ve asked him to give all you ladies a day of peace, happiness and fond memories, new memories to help you in your journey.
And although, most of you know I don’t believe in God, I strongly believe in Santa, (just a big kid at heart), so lets hope he reads my letter and he makes good.
Much love, peace and strength to all of you.
Normaxxx
Yet again … well said Norma! xoxoxoxo
I have noticed that over the months since my Heath has passed I have become a real “Shopper”.
Before my husband passed away you had to crowbar me away from home to go shopping … now any little whim I get in my van and go!
Just do what feels right Ladies!
Thanks for all of the response and encouragement. I just need to vent this morning so hang in there. My husband’s memorial service was last Wednesday (Dec 1), and on Sunday my husband’s ex-wife (they have been divorced for ten years) posted a long ranting diatribe on my husband’s CaringBridge site. She begins with, “Many people were very disappointed and surprised of the omission and absolutely no mention of Dave’s first marriage of 21 yrs. in the obituary and during his celebration service.” Again, they had been divorced for ten years and my husband and I had been together for the past 8. She also called my in-laws on Sunday and left this insane ranting message on their answering machine that upset them terribly. My husband’s cousin emailed her and asked her to please leave the family alone and let us grieve in peace. The ex- shot a very ugly email back and in there she made the comment that she is grieving as much if not more than anyone else. SHE left my husband but only after having three affairs and destroying my husband. How can this woman possibly think she deserves to be treated as the grieving widow?!!!!!
I emailed her a lengthy email last night basically telling her that if she wasn’t satisfied with the memorial THAT MY HUSBAND PLANNED before his death, then she was free to hold her own memorial service for herself, her family, and the millions of friends she referenced on the CaringBridge site. Then I was very blunt and said that Dave (my husband) was the only link she has to this family and that link is now gone and that there is no need for her to contact anyone in the family ever again. She needs to figure out how to grieve on her own. Then I blocked her email.
I am sick to death of people making this about them. Although I can’t say I’m surprised. I have spent the last several weeks culling through four HUGE boxes of pictures from my husband’s first marriage. Of those four boxes, I managed to find 100 pictures of him — the rest were of his ex adoring herself. Blech.
I just needed to get that off my chest. No one who just lost a husband should have to deal with a crazy ex-wife. Ggggggrrrrrrr
i know how you feel. my husband passed away a few weeks ago and his ex showed up at the funeral. she actually thought she was going to sit with me! so.. my family had her removed from the service!… i thought i almost heard my husband laughing while she was being removed!.. things happen.. and people think it is all about them! why?? i have no idea…. but i was satisfied knowing she sat outside the whole service!
It’s been awfully quiet. I hope this means you are all getting on with your Christmas Shopping, planning the feastive lunches, or even catching up with old friends.
Just popping in to say hi.
much love
Normaxxx
Hello friends,
I’ve been missing you all. I am in a terrible emotional state–my youngest child will be 10 tomorrow, the anniversary of my husband’s death is the 19th and then of course, there is Christmas and all the happy faces walking around that I must be witness to. It’s just too much for me right now! Send positive energy please.
Love, hugs, and peace,
Lori
Dear Lori,
I like you are having a terrible emotional breakdown. Seeing so many happy faces at Christmas time and everyone’s lives moving on is hard to watch and deal with. My world has stood still and I can’t seem to move left or right. Losing a love one is the worst feeling in the world. I wish I had an easy fix for you and all of us so we could stop hurting but I don’t. Yes, life goes on but no one tells us how hard it is to move on. I wish you peace and happy Birthday to your son. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I miss mine also.
@ Norma …. Christmas shopping done
… Hi back !!!!!
@ Lori …. Positive energy 100x coming at ya .. Happy birthday at your Kidling
@ everyone … Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Hope its better then the last!
xoxoxoxoxo
I have been doing lots of reading here lately and not posting. Having meltdown after meltdown. I have 5 kids and have bought 2 gifts.. No tree not hing. This has been the worst 8 months of my life. Getting by is getting harder. I know he is here, he lets us know. I know he is at work with me, and so do my co workers .. They tell me when they see the things he makes happen to smile he is telling you he loves you. I have friends that will no longer come over because of the things that now happen in our house. Then again he was not much for house guests, only certain people. His life revolved around his family. I miss hims so much. I know he goes to school with our youngest. Parent teacher conferences confirmed that. Even the teacher tells me the odd things she does with her dad. I thought it was all in my head for a while, you know the wishful thinking thing, but I quit my paralegal job so I didn’t have to think and decided to wait tables. I was rolling silverware with Kim when she stood up I got a cold chill and both my arms had an ice cold spot and she felt them. After work our daughter was talking to me and out of the blue she said daddy came to see you at work and gave you a hug. I said how do you know? She said you were playing with forks and spoons and napkins.. I knew it was him all along, but she confirmed it. I said how do you know? She said daddy told me. I just wish that I could hear him and see him the way that she does. I miss him so much and all I dream about is how to bring him back. It is so hard and I don’t know how long it is going to take to move on. I hope all have higher spirits than me. Wishing you all the best and my continued prayers.. Thanks for being a big part of my life…all of you!
Love to All
Hi Brandi,
This is amazing to me. The gifts your little child has are astounding. Keep encouraging her . My daughter has similar experiences and “contact” with her dad. It is a great comfort to me whenever she says “dad is here, I feel him” or tells me something he told her. There have been many experiences over the past year that confirm he is still with us.
Love to you, Lori
Do any of you have a problem with getting Christmas cards/letters from couples you and your husband knew in the past? I do appreciate being remembered, and am glad for them that they are doing so well, but reading about their happy lives together is a bit like having salt rubbed in my ‘wound.’
This the third Christmas for me since Don died, and it isn’t much easier than the other two….. especially when I read the letters. When I pray about this, I’m reminded how blessed I am to have had 43 years with my fantastic husband, and to focus on my blessings rather than my loss. That brings me back in balance……. until I read another one of those letters. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off not reading the letters.
Thanks to all of you who post and share your feelings and thoughts. You give me great comfort….. especially those of you who share your faith in our God and His Word.
My husband has been gone just 3 weeks now so I’m still in the first stages of grief as they say. Not even sure what that means. I have received a number of invitations from friends and family to join them for Christmas. We had planned on having just a quiet Christmas at home this year. I really don’t want to go to anyone elses home this year. I’m afraid I will feel even more lonely in a crowd. What do you think?
Hello Gerry,
First, my deepest sympathies. I lost my husband Dec. 19, 2009 so this Sunday marks one year for me. My experience with Christmas last year was much like what you are feeling right now. I just wanted to be home in our house. I do feel more lonely in a crowd. I also feel more emotional this year because I believe I was in shock last year. Do what you feel is best for you right now.
Love & hugs, Lori
Hi Gerry,
I know how is it like to feel so lonely in the crowd at this sad moment . Their good intent to invite us will end up hurting us more. At this stage, do what you feel like doing, you don’t have to worry about hurting other’s feeling. Cry when you feel like it . You will feel better as it will relieves all your pains and sorrows that have bottled up. We have to nurse our wound and nothing is more important than that. Believe me, time will heal all wounds though it can still be unbearable on certain days. When you feel that coming, just cry it out loud to ease your grief and pains. It’s been almost a year since my husband passed away. In the beginnng, I thought I will never make it at all. It was so painful and miserable. I keep myself occupied in the day by working and cry myself to sleep for the first few months. I cried whenever I drove by places we had driven to. But now I’m more in control, although still can’t control my tears on certain days but I know that things will get better with him watching over me and my daughters from above. It’s not easy to let go of the past or rather we don’t want to let go yet. Let nature takes its course. You will know it when the time comes, that it’s more painful dwelling on the past and you want to learn to let go. That will be our first step to recovery. Have faith in yourself.
Hi all,
Like others, I’ve been doing a lot of reading and not posting. My heart goes out to you all and I often pray as I read.
Christmas is hard. I don’t know if it is that or if I’ve just reached the end of my ability to cope… however I wake up each morning and just put one foot in front of the other.
I wish I could say something to help us all…. Interestingly I’ve written songs over the years and I’m often reminded of the Christmas one… “Christmas can’t be Christmas without love. And the joy of being in another’s care. Christmas can’t be Christmas without the crown of thorns – Christmas can’t be Christmas without Him there…”
Having said all that and knowing that I’m in God’s love and care…. I still feel incredibly alone and even abandoned…. I’m sure you ladies know what I mean.
On a positive note – I am presently recording a CD… It will be called “”Til the sun comes up”….. from a song I’ve written… lyrics…”gotta just keep moving til the sun comes up, you gotta just keep breathing when times are tough…”
Anyway…. my thoughts and prayers are for us all.
Bye for now,
Niki
On the 16th of December it will be 6 months since Heath had passed.
I am in “Loner” stage and will not be going anywhere to anyones house for Christmas. My 2 young girls, my mum and my dogs will have Christmas at home here where Heath is watching us. I went crazy this year and bought my girls 5 and 1 a TON of presents!!!!!!!!!!
Going to other peoples places does rub salt in my wound. I know everyone means well but it doesn’t work in my case. Loner stage ROCKS for me right now … I can be alone with my family they make
me happy … watching other people being happy depresses me in the highest degree!
Jeanine …. We used to get about 20 Christmas cards … this year I have gotten 1. Here comes my bad attitude … Fuck them all!!!!!! OOPS was that out loud?
Monday “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” is on TV that day Granny, Alexandra, Katherine and I … will all go out and get a tree and decorate it and hang all the Christmas lights. Then mum will wrap all the presents and on the night of the 24th after the girls have gone to bed I will help Santa move all the present out under the tree! Christmas day I will watch my children rip all of their presents open and cry the whole time happy and sad
Well I had better get my bum in gear for today … This is always a good start to the day … I do my little write up … cry all the way through it … and I’m ready to face the day.
Have a Great day ladies!
It is 2:17 am!!! I feel like no one understands that I am really not coping.
I have had so many of these sleepless nights… I’m on holidays now, but work was totally chaotic. Luckily I do supply teaching so it is kind of casual work and sometimes I just knew I couldn’t go because I was too tired after not sleeping…. I am so not focused on anything.
During the day I seem fine. I communicate fine. But under the surface I just want to cry and I feel so alone and feel like no one even remembers that this is hard for me…. and I can’t talk about it. I’m not a person who easily shares tears… I don’t cry in public – but I’m dying on the inside.
So… 2:20 now. the francelico is starting to make me feel a bit fuzzy… maybe I’ll sleep soon.
Bye all. thinking of you during this precious time which really isn’t about tinsel and light – but about hardships and God’s provision through it…. really that is the Xmas story…. a young woman pregnant and unmarried in a culture that could have her stoned…. etc…
Still…. doesn’t take away the hurt or make it any easier.
Love to all,
Niki
Twitter: miraclady
December 11, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Dear Ones -
My Holiday message to my friends. That means you.
GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE!
The happiest of years to you -
much better than the last.
A year your heart will find a home
beside a quiet hearth.
I hope the waterfall of life
becomes a gentle rain,
to cleanse your wounds,
dim your scars,
and rinse away your pain.
May secret dreams come true enough
to satisfy your heart,
but, if you stumble, someone’s there
to hold you in the dark.
I wish you time for laughing,
for books, and songs to sing,
breezy nights to sleep in,
and the peace good health can bring.
But most of all,
I wish you love,
to have,
to give,
to share.
In short I wish you everything.
The happiest of years!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
A PEACEFUL NEW YEAR!
Warm wishes to you and all your loved ones for the Holidays.
Corinne Edwards
This poem is an excerpt from my first book , Low Pain Threshold.
Very nice .. Thank You
Corinne,
What a beautiful poem. Read it three times and made me feel a little better. Thank you.
Finding the holidays to be much worse than I prepared for. When I read the posts, I see I’m surrounded by a group of beautiful ladies experiencing every emotion I am feeling right now. God bless all of you.
I, too, envy those who are enjoying the season….just doesn’t seem fair, does it? Haven’t been invited to anyone’s home nor received any cards. I will be spending Christmas Eve with the ones closest to my heart….daughter, son-in-law, twin sister, two dogs and a cat…. and am so grateful I’m able to do so.
I’ve been very withdrawn and sad. My heart and prayers go out to each and every one of you enduring this great loss.
Read your posts every day, so please keep us posted on how you’re feeling and surviving a difficult time of year.
Love,
“Mare”
I used to be Ms Christmas. I’d go around saying “I love Christmas” all the time, it drove Ed crazy. By now I would be done making the special ornaments for the year, the whole house would be decorated, my special plaster Santa that I had made would be proudly sitting in it’s special place in the curio with all the other years Santas & I would be finishing baking my hundreds of cookies. Last year right after Ed had died I was staying at the boys apartment I insisted we put up a tree & decorate it with our family ornaments. I thought then that this year I’d be decorating our house as we always had. I was wrong. As much as I have tried I just can’t bring myself to bring everything up from storage. I want so bad to be that woman Ed loved so much! I used to have a twinkle in my eye & a smile on my face most of the time & at Christmas time I lit up more than any tree. I really want that woman back! Don’t get me wrong, the boys have been great. Rick came over today while I was cleaning & helped move a few things & Brian is coming over tomorrow to do whatever I need. Eddie & I spent the day yesterday shopping. It was really nice. I know if I asked they’d be here to help me with decorating. I just can’t do it. In most ways last year was better than now. I was still in shock then (it had been only 3 wks). Now I guess reality has set in. Ed loved Christmas & all that we did to celebrate together. While out shopping have any of you looked at the other people shopping & thought “do they really know how lucky they are?” Yesterday, while we were out I just wanted to scream that out. I looked at the couples, both young & old, usually the guy was tagging along with the woman looking very bored. If he was like Ed he was doing it cause he loved her. I just wanted to stop them all & tell them to slow down & appreciate these very special moments. I wanted to SCREAM right in the middle of the mall!!!! I really thought I was doing better, but heck then Christmas comes & back I go. Tonight I go babysit my perfect granddaughter I know that will make me feel better.
Thanks for listening,
Lots of Love & Hugs,
Mary
Another day past.
Girls put to bed, dogs let out one more time to pee before we go to sleep all the lights turned out.
One last post and a read to see how all of you Lovely Ladies are doing.
Now to get into that huge cold bed all by myself …. well I guess it’s better then sitting up and watching TV lonely? Hmmmmm maybe I will have a productive day tomorrow … I feel one coming on
Night all
Hi all,
It sounds like we’re all struggling with Christmas. I, like so many of you here, loved Christmas as did my husband. I’d spend two days decorating the house, and I’d make my husband his favorite fudge and some homemade caramels for my father-in-law. My husband loved all of the Christmas lights on the houses. We’d spend our Saturday nights driving around looking at all of the decorated houses.
My husband I never exchanged Christmas gifts; instead we would always adopt a needy family or several seniors. We loved shopping for the things on their lists and just feeling blessed because we had everything we could need and wanted to give back because we have been given so much. However, since my husband got so sick so quickly after his cancer diagnosis, I didn’t do anything to adopt anyone. I should have but I’m just not in the spirit.
I know everyone means well, but I’m tired of people telling me I should decorate and do up Christmas because that is what Dave would have wanted. I just can’t. He hasn’t even been gone a month yet.
Since Christmas was my husband’s favorite time of year, I chose the following poem to have read at his memorial service. I hope it helps someone on here out.
I’M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below;
With tiny lights like Heaven’s stars
reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular
please wipe away that tear;
For I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear;
But the sounds of music can’t compare
with the Christmas choir here.
For I have no words to tell you
the joy their voices bring;
It is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
but please remember dear,
That I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I cannot tell you of the splendor
of the peace inside this place;
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior, face to face?
I will ask Him to light your spirit
as I tell Him of your love;
So pray for one another
as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirit sing;
For I am spending Christmas in Heaven
And walking with the King!
Blessings to all of you.
Donna
Dear Donna,
My husband hasn’t even been gone two months so Christmas will be by passed this year. If I can’t spend Christmas with my Ron then I will not have Christmas this year at all.
Theresa,
I totally understand because that’s exactly how I feel. It sucks to lose someone you love, but it really sucks when you lose right around the holidays. Although I’m sure it doesn’t matter when you lose your loved one, the holidays still wouldn’t be the same.
Hang in there.
Donna
I lost mine a week before fathers day … wasn’t that a kick in the behind … I guess it doesn’t matter what the holiday … just plain old sucks.
Hello ladies, I have been reading the post and I realize we all feel the same way. My husband died in June. I have no desire to put up a tree or send Christmas cards. I will do Christmas with my grand children but it will not be the same. I have people telling me I need to put up a tree and some tell me if I don’t feel like it I don’t have to. I am not sure what is right but I know I do not want to have one. My husband and I always decorated the tree and listened to Christmas music. I wish I could just close my eyes and this holiday would be over. I hope you all enjoy it the best you can as I am going to try for the grandchildren. Love and hugs to all
Evening Ladies, well you get no post for days and then a ton of mail falls through your letter box.
It’s good to hear from all of you, and Corinne thank you sweetheart a lovely poem.
I know Christmas is one of those holidays where many of you will have memories of what you and your husband both did together. Decorate the tree, put up the christmas lights, buy each other sneaky little presents even when you’ve both agreed not to. See to the kids, the family and the grandchildren, take them to see Santa, and most of you probably ended up in church.
For some, it is too soon to make plans for Christmas that don’t involve your partner, but if you change your mind, then it’s time to make Christmas your own! Last year, I went a bought a tree and decorations. Me and Martin didn’t do Christmas decorations or trees, I was lucky to be allowed to put the cards up. It didn’t matter, because I had him. I didn’t need the christmas lights, or the decorations or even the presents, because all that matter was Martin.
I didn’t even spend Christmas with my family last year. I went to a close friends for Christmas and had a good time. Granted I was still in shock, but I knew that I couldn’t spend it with my Dad or my Sister and her family. But that was last year.
This year, I’m going to a party, my best friend and his girlfriend are taking me to a party on Christmas Eve, and I’m looking forward to it. I’ll be with my Dad on Christmas Day and my sister will be down with her family, so all in all, things are getting a little bit back to normal.
Whatever you do this Christmas, celebrate or treat it like any other day, make sure you do what’s right for you. Yes you will hear “you should do this, or you should do that, it’s what Blah would have wanted”, but your partner knows how much you are suffering, he knows how hard it will be for you, and he won’t care how you spend your day, as long as you are doing WHAT YOU WANT TO DO! Don’t forget to smile, because if you get one thing out of Christmas, make sure it’s a smile!
I love you all, and I’m sending you peace, strength and love.
Much love
Normaxxx
I can understand what the person whose having trouble getting along with their mom after moving in with them is going thru. I am going crazy here, My dear hubby passed on in March of 2009. I couldn’t afford to stay in our home being a homemaker so I had to rent out my home and move in with my folks. When hubby was alive we would go and do as we pleased.
Well I got a thing in the mail from Lane Bryant the ladies plus size shop saying that one of their stores which was an hr from me was going out of business and having a going out of business sale. I called to see how much off the stuff was and when they were closing. They are closing Dec 24 and stuff is 60% off. You’d be crazy not to go to a sale like that and see what they’ve got. I mentioned to my mom and she said she didn’t want me going that far this time of yr. I tried to explain and she had a fit sqauwking about not wanting me to me to go and about how I had too many clothes and I didn’t need anymore. She doesn’t know what I need or don’t need, only I do. Now that Mikes gone I can’t even have a life anymore. I’m probably headed for a nervous breakdown cuz I haven’t had one yet over losing Mike. And my dad sides with my mom. Just lay off me I’m hurting over Mike. And I’m made out to be the bad guy. All because I want to have a life. It just beeping sucks. I am grateful tho my folks took me in and I love them dearly. I just wish they would see my side of things. I wish Lane Bryant had never sent me that dumb flyer. I hate to get into a disagreement with my mom but she thinks when we do that what I say is against her. It’s not. I am just stating my opinion and is she wouldn’t let it upset her she’d be so much better off.
Why did Mike have to die on me when I needed him so? He and I would’ve gone and had a great time. But no he had to die on me and leave me hurting and in pain. It’s not his fault or God’s. It’s stuff happens I know and we can’t stop it. Now that he’s gone UI don’t get to go to some of the places he and I used to go to because I either have no one to go with me or my mom doesn’t want me to go. Believe me when your husband dies, you die too and you no longer have a life.
Felt so good to get this off my chest…
After reading what ya’ll have wrote my problems now seem trivial…
I can understand what the person whose having trouble getting along with their mom after moving in with them is going thru. I am going crazy here, My dear hubby passed on in March of 2009. I couldn’t afford to stay in our home being a homemaker so I had to rent out my home and move in with my folks. When hubby was alive we would go and do as we pleased.
Well I got a thing in the mail from Lane Bryant the ladies plus size shop saying that one of their stores which was an hr from me was going out of business and having a going out of business sale. I called to see how much off the stuff was and when they were closing. They are closing Dec 24 and stuff is 60% off. You’d be crazy not to go to a sale like that and see what they’ve got. I mentioned to my mom and she said she didn’t want me going that far this time of yr. I tried to explain and she had a fit sqauwking about not wanting me to me to go and about how I had too many clothes and I didn’t need anymore. She doesn’t know what I need or don’t need, only I do. Now that Mikes gone I can’t even have a life anymore. I’m probably headed for a nervous breakdown cuz I haven’t had one yet over losing Mike. And my dad sides with my mom. Just lay off me I’m hurting over Mike. And I’m made out to be the bad guy. All because I want to have a life. It just beeping sucks. I am grateful tho my folks took me in and I love them dearly. I just wish they would see my side of things. I wish Lane Bryant had never sent me that dumb flyer. I hate to get into a disagreement with my mom but she thinks when we do that what I say is against her. It’s not. I am just stating my opinion and is she wouldn’t let it upset her she’d be so much better off.
Why did Mike have to die on me when I needed him so? He and I would’ve gone and had a great time. But no he had to die on me and leave me hurting and in pain. It’s not his fault or God’s. It’s stuff happens I know and we can’t stop it. Now that he’s gone I don’t get to go to some of the places he and I used to go to because I either have no one to go with me or my mom doesn’t want me to go. Believe me when your husband dies, you die too and you no longer have a life.
Felt so good to get this off my chest…
After reading what ya’ll have wrote my problems now seem trivial…
Oops, it posted twice. So sorry about that. I am almost 50 going on 15 lol…
I was on here ranting on about my mum bout a month ago …. that I wanted to live with my husband and not my mum.
Well we came home from our check up and Granny has something wrong with her blood Lab results.
Needless to say … what a great Christmas present … first my husband dies in June and now granny is gonna die too?????
Well Ill let you guys know how my mum is Friday afternoon.
Can everyone just throw a little something at my mum please and make it not be something serious … I don’t want to loose my mum now too!!!!!
Signed Scared Shitless!!!!
Prayers just said. Hope your mom is okay.
I think a medicine my mom is taking is what is making her grouchy. So sad…
Hi everyone.
Saying prayers for you Veronica for your mum and a good report.
Corinne, thank you for the wonderful poem. I printed it and will post it to the fridge. I think it helps. Donna, thank you for the Spending Christmas with Jesus this year. I saw it before, but it doesn’t hit home until someone you love has passed on. I printed it also for the fridge as another reminder. I went to Indiana (USA) with my best friend and neighbor and her husband and son followed us down 4 days later. We had a nice time until she started to come down with something on the 8th day and I decided to head home as not to catch anything. I could not believe the dread and anxiety that hit my heart as I left their home knowing I was coming back to an empty house. Not only would my husband not be here, but my best friend would not be here for me. My son had left for New Orleans and my daughter was headed to Tennessee for her job. I cried for almost 300 miles. It was hard to bring in my suitcase, but I did it. Finally got into my chair and just collapsed. I had gone to get my mail at the post office and the first piece of mail was from a friend from his work that must not have heard he passed. It was a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs. and said I hope your health is improving. It made me even sadder. I always had all my gifts bought by now and my hubby would have wrapped them. The cards would also be done. I am having a hard time doing either of these tasks and every day say today is the day I will get started on this, I will get them done. I don’t know if I have this in me. I bought most of the presents that the little ones wanted (14 grandchildren). The last presents I bought two days ago have not even been brought in from the car. I may be lonely but this site helps me to know that I am not alone in this. I love and pray for you all.
Karen Schieffer
I just stumbled onto this website, only because the Holidays, especially Christmas, are so hard and I was looking for something, words anything that would help me cope. It’s amazing that you can be surrounded by people but be so lonely, but lonely only for that one person who completed and made your life so happy and special. The Holidays bring back memories of happier times, that pull and tug at your heartstrings and make you set back and wonder why would you be blessed with so much happiness and love only to have it taken away and be left with so much pain and loneliness.
This will be my second Christmas without Richard, and in some ways it is a little better, but not much. I still find myself crying at night, and asking God to please let me have a vision or a message from Richard, just to let me know that he is happy and content and that he still loves me. It may sound foolish, but when I am blessed to have these, it fills me with strength to meet the challenges that I find myself facing everday.
You really don’t appreciate all the things that your husband took care of until you are faced with taking care of them yourself. The reality that he is gone really comes to light. Something as simple as an oil change, becomes a challenge. You just know they will take advantage of you because you are a woman, where your husband just changed the oil and was done with it.
The world that you knew as a couple is lost to the ages and people term you as single. Single sounds to someone who has lost someone who was not only a husband, but your very best friend, so lonely and only 1/2 of once was whole. You find yourself not being able to be happy for people who are still couples, or even looking at them without feeling resentlful because it is not you anymore and then feeling badly afterwards. It’s not their fault.
Christmas was Richards favorite Holiday, which makes it doubly hard. He was like a child at Christmas and always went all out.
It was such a Happy time for us as a family, and although I did put up a tree and decorate some, I did it for my grandchildren, but nothing on the scale that it has been done in the past. I too went out and bought way to much for my grandchildren. My excuse to myself is that I am their only grandparent, but in reality, it was therapy for me. I know I will have to put that into check next year.
My children are wonderful, but I am sure that sometimes they must think they have lost both parents not one, but they know that this is a growing experience for me, and that no one can work through this except me and it has to be for me that I find my place in this world that seems so strange and different now. A place I don’t know anymore.
I have decided to make a bucket list of all the things I want to do before I go myself and I hope it will be good therapy for me. I know God has a plan for me or I still would not be here, so since God has deemed I still be here I hope to walk in such a path that when my time comes, he will bring Richard and I back together again.
We are all feeling like we have been cheated in some way, but our story is not over, not yet and we have to gather up the strength and courage to meet everyday as best we can. We owe that much to our beloved husbands who look down on us and pray for our happiness and for our well being. I believe that when we are sad, they are sad with us.
Sorry for the lengthy comments, but sometimes, the words just come out from your heart.
I know the Christmas Holiday will be hard, but the best gift we can give is to try to be strong. As long as we talk to our husbands, they never really leave us. I believe that with all my heart.
Have a Blessed Christmas ladies.
Brenda, I could have written your post. I feel everything you wrote. It will technically be the 2nd Christmas without my husband because he died Dec. 19, 2009. Last Christmas was a blur. When did you lose your husband? We have 4 kids, 1 granddaughter, and were married 25 years, together 27. He was only 52. I miss him so much. Would love to hear from you.
Love, Lori
Very well written. I miss Paul so much this season. He loved this holiday and always made it special. I know he is with me in spirit and I am trying to concentrate on the real meaning of the season and not the gifts and “stuff.” My family still expects me to organize the Christmas dinner (life as ususal); and I guess in some way it will be good for me to keep busy; but, I so am dragging my feet. It is hard readying for the holidays by yourself when for 22 years you did it as a couple – and without having children in the house also, it is harder. I keep telling myself that is just a day. I also have to have my first surgery in my life without him here to physically and emotionally support me. This will be hard as it is in the surgery center that he had everything fall apart last February. Life sure sends us some curves. Christmas cards are coming – only to me, of course. Some of my relatives have written some insensitive things – such as – I know this will be tough for you- don’t know if I could do it. What is wrong with these people!!!! Very insensitive. Just say nothing – Just happy holidays – thinking of you would have been nice.
Happy holidays ladies. Hope you make the best of the day and the season. This too shall pass.
Karen
Well said, I feel the same way as you. My husband died in June and I miss him so. He was 53 and had only been ill for three months. I have no desire to put up a tree or send out Christmas cards. If I could close my eyes and wake up after the first I would be happy.I do have grand kids so I have to go through the motions but it hurts so bad.
Lori:
I know whaat you mean about Christmas being a blur. You were there but you really weren’t.
You try for the sake of your children, but something very special is missing, and try as you may, you can’t get it back. Oh you can put on a good front, but your heart says different.
You lost your husband in Dec, I lost mine in Nov, just a few days after his 58th birthday.
He caught a virus during a stay in the hospital and it went unchecked by the hospital and it eventually cost him his life. It completely incapacitated him and he suffered terribly till his death 2 1/2 years later. He was a good man though, never bitter just accepting of what was and always worrying that he was a burden. He never was. It was a labor of love and I would do it all over again, that is what love is. For better for worse for richer for poorer in sickness and in health. I value those vows as much today as I did then and in the end when he passed he was surrounded by family that loved him so dearly. That day our lives changed forever and we all knew it. We lost not just the head of our family, but a wonderful soul. A peacemaker.
So we also deal with the fact that not only was he taken to soon, but we have to live with the fact that he died from neglegence. He was healthy prior to his hospital stay.
We have 3 children, and 3 grandchildren, one of whom was born just before he passed, we propped pillows under his arms so he could hold him and we took pictures that are now priceless to us.
We have a new grandchild on the way, and I believe with all my heart, he will be there when she is born.
We were married over 30 years when he passed and I wouldn’t trade any one of those days or the memories for anything. They are my most precious and valued of any gift he left behind.
When you are blessed to have a love that is so pure and unconditional, you have been truly blessed, so grieve, your entitled I believe. You have earned that right, because you have loved this person that God placed in your life with all your heart and soul.
So when someone tells you, with time you will get past it, just make sure you remember that it will be your time, not theirs and if you never do, it’s ok. You loved and were loved in return and is there a more precious gift? If there is I don’t know what it is.
Karen:
I understand about the Christmas Cards, seeing them come to the house with just my name and not Mr and Mrs sends me into instant tears and the constant question of why God, why did you have to take him. But it is what it is and I have to keep telling myself, maybe they are not trying to purposfully hurt me, they are still keeping me in their thoughts by sending me a card at all, but gosh it is sure hard to see. My heart goes out to you and anyone who is experiencing the same thing, seeing it in writing, it’s a huge reality check and it hurts like, well you know.
Again the best gift we can give ourselves, is to try to be strong and give ourselves credit because we are survivors and will meet each day as best we can and know that our husbands live as long as we keep their memory alive.
Merry Christmas ladies and prayers for comfort and strength to you all. Lori, and Karen so nice talking to you both. Take Care.
Brenda
Hi Everyone…My husband died of Cancer and I feel so lonely without him. It’s the oddest feeling, I want to be with people, but I also want to be alone. Nothing feels right. And now here comes Christmas! I have 3 daughters aged 13/19/22 and they are really sad too.
Everyone says how great I’m doing, but inside I’m REALLY scared,lonely and sad.
He had been sick for a little while…we were told he had about 6-9 months, and it turned out to be 3.
How do I get through Christmas without him?
Debie
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..New Year’s invitation =-.
Debbie,
My husband also died from Cancer a few months ago. I feel like you, lonely, scared and very sad. I want my family to have a Happy Christmas and will put a smile on my face but it will all be a lie for I am crying inside and when alone I cry out loud. I just want my husband and life back. We were so happy and now hard to find anything that makes me happy. I miss my husband’s love and looking into his big blue eyes. I always felt so safe and protected when Ron was here but no longer. The closer Christmas comes the worse I feel. I hope all of us that have lost a loved one find a way to be happy again. I am sorry so many of us are hurting so bad.
Not quite sure what to do with myself. At a crossroads. I have lost both parents and my husband by age 36. I have 2 small children-7 and 4. I feel like I am ruined. I am the only one that shows up alone to my kids’ class functions and sports while looking around at those with all of their families around them and for their children. My son asks who is going to come and watch him play ball and I say I will be there with a big smile, but he feels the same way I do. People literally pity me and give me their politest ” I don’t know how you do it. If you ever need anything I am here” I am an elephant in any room now (even in church!)…a pitiful mess of a life. There is nobody left. I miss feeling unconditional love and support. Although my children love me, it is not the same. I want to be able to rely on an adult for that. I go to lunch with friends here or there during the week, but I am no longer invited to the weekend family or couple activities…unless it is a kid’s bday party. My husband will be gone for 2 years this coming January. I am not sure what to do with myself. I have even thought about moving out of state. I cannot believe I have had to bear so much grief so young and I am so not sure how to get away from it. I am finally starting to feel normal daily and feel that I can handle daily life. I even feel hope for the future, but I am not sure how to get one…especially with such a sob story past. Anyways, thought I would just get that out.
We are very similar … I am 37 … I have a 1 year old and a 5 year old. Both girls. My husband died in June of this year … I have a mum still but she is doing poorly but still with me.
I hope that even knowing that there is someone else fighting with this tragic battle along side you can help you a bit. Everything you said in this post is EXACTLY the same as me!
I so feel like selling everything and moving somewhere warm … somewhere where my kids will get a top notch education …. somewhere that my mum will enjoy life year round! I was told not to do anything for a year … so I will wait the year I guess?
Well … thanks for posting Jo!
After reading all of your comments the past few days I wish more than ever that we all lived in the same city so we could spend Christmas & New Years together. What’s the old saying “misery loves company”? We could hug & truly know how each other were feeling. Those Christmas cards- for 30 yrs were addressed to Ed & Mary now it’s only Mary. Somehow that simple thing makes it all too real. I haven’t been able to get myself to decorate or bake. Our house looks like it’s just any other time of the year. Christmas music, I used to love that too, now I hate it. I’ve even had to leave stores when certain ones come on. All I really want to do is close my eyes & wake up on Jan 2nd. In crowds of people a widow is still very alone. I really do think this 2nd Christmas is worse than last year. How does one cope when one has lost their heart & soul?
Thinking of you all
Lots of Hugs,
Mary
I agree … I wish we all lived in the same city …. It would be great to spend time with ladies that are going through the same thing!
I know what you mean about those damn Christmas cards. After Roger died, some cards still came addressed to both of us, but what really bothers me is that to this very day I’ll still receive junk mail addressed to Roger, and when I see his name on the envelope, it just makes me cringe and then I get so mad! As though it’s some kind of invasion into my privacy and his life, into my private pain about losing him. How dare some damn credit card company send him mail! I know it sounds crazy because after all, how could some computer and its computer-generated list know that he’s dead? And then it starts me thinking about him and about losing him all over again. As for the comments others wrote about their husbands knowing that they would be dying, my Roger must have known that he was not long for this planet either, though he never shared this thought with me. He actually told me the exact opposite. He always reassured me that he was going to live a very long life because his own father is in his 90′s now and still very much alive. Roger was always doing a million things at a time, going 90 miles an hour in life, the kind of guy who was always working on multiple things and also had many things on the back burner so to speak. About a year before he died, he had a physical and then afterwards took out a life insurance policy, a term policy for a million dollars. The insurance company gave him a hard time about it and made him have another physical and then made him have his doctor write a letter and explain some test results and then the test results to the company because one of Roger’s test results showed some kind of anomaly, that initially made him uninsurable, but my Roger, bless his heart, was never one to take no for an answer and fought with the insurance company and didn’t let it slide, and didn’t take the attitude, “I’ll look into this tomorrow.” No, he was always like a dog with a bone. If he wanted something, he found a way to get it. He got his doctor who was also a personal friend, involved and between the two of them, they solved the problem. Roger was never one to become paralyzed by a problem. I sometimes think about that time in our lives and ponder, what if he had accepted the insurance company’s initial rejection? Most people would. I know for a fact that many of my family members would never fight with any corporation, much less an insurance company. They would just quietly accept whatever happened to them. My life would be a great deal harder than it is if not for Roger acting so diligently. He never mentioned the battle with the insurance company more than a couple times to me, and it was just in passing, during one of our countless conversations. Roger quietly did what was necessary to take care of the problem and finally got the insurance company to insure him. And, of course, now the joke’s on them ’cause a year later, my dear Roger was gone. Did Roger truly know that he was going to die? Sometimes I can’t get that thought out of my head. And I initially thought the insurance company would give me a hard time about the policy, but no, a few weeks after I submitted paperwork, they called and asked for banking info to wire money to my account. They also tried to get me to set up an annuity and a financial planner kept calling for a while. But I didn’t think it was wise to use the same company that issued the policy. No muss, no fuss. Sometimes I am amazed at how things that you think will be difficult aren’t and things that shouldn’t be difficult, What is it about Christmas that gets you thinking about the past and about your life and about choices that were made by you and for you? Sorry for the rambling, guys. I hope everyone has the best possible Christmas considering everything that has happened to each of you. Merry Christmas!
I couldn’t agree more. Our stories and pain are all to familiar. We all obviously loved our husbands very much and we all are experiencing the day to day challenge of being alone. The simple truth is it hurts and you wonder when and if that pain will ever end. The one person you want in the whole world, you can’t have and never will on this earth again. The thought of it is scary, painful, and we all feel cheated out of the life that we feel like we should still be having. We should have grown old together. Should have laughed at each other when the white hair and wrinkles started coming. Held our grandchildren together and loved and enjoyed them. So many plans gone. How many times have we all asked God why him?
I am so right there with all of you, and feel the pain in your replies. We are all grieving and we are suppose to. We loved and still love our husbands and this new life that we have been forced into is not one we thought we would be in, it was always someone else, not us. Our eyes have been made wide open to the harsh reality that we are alone and only we can work through the pain and figure out where our lives are going from here. I’ve only been on this website a couple of days and already feel like we are kindred spirits. How nice would it be to meet and talk, I have a feeling it would be an overnighter at least.
Lots of long distance hugs to you all.
Brenda
Everything you just said is so true! Well done!
My house is decorated, the presents are bought…but there is an empty feeling that I just can’t fill. It’s him. He was supposed to die in December, and he just kept saying that he didn’t want to ruin Christmas for us. Trouble is, he died in September and Christmas is still a crapper. I don’t blame him, I just keep thinking, “how could Christmas be anything but ruined with him not here??”
And another thing….I always heard about people saying they felt their loved one around them sometimes. I DONT FEEL HIM AT ALL!! I keep hoping I will feel his spirit with me–but I dont! All I feel is empty.
Do any of you feel the presence of your loved one?
Deb
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..New Year’s invitation =-.
I have also been tormented with loneliness this holiday season. Tasks you once joyfully shared together, you now do alone. Something that seems to be helping me find peace and comfort is knowing he is with me in spirit … and I mean that literally. My husband has a cousin that is an intuitive. She called me up and told me that they had been corresponding for sometime before he passed away. She told me that he knew he was going to die and that he was reading a very spiritual book on the bodies Chakras. I don’t know much about this, but I guess he had made peace with knowing he was going to pass. When she called a week ago, she told me he was with me … she also told me many personal things that only Ron and I knew about. I was shocked as I know he would have never shared such things with her. She also told me that his mother, grandparents and many other ancestors were there to help him pass. She knew about other information that was very intimate and personal to do with our relationship and children. He is with me and I know that now. I started to do a little investigating myself because I now find this all very interesting and phenomenal. I came across quite an amazing man. His name is Bob Olson and I strongly suggest you google him and read his personal information. He has been where we are now and searched for the lost spirits of his loved ones. The difference is, he found them through various amazing mediums. Debie, I was told by Ron’s intuitive cousin that their spirit has trouble getting through if you are holding on to tightly to the memories … especially the negative ones. She said to relax and try to remember the positive memories. Reading James Van Praagh’s book “Talking to Heaven ” and a number of others has also helped me to calm myself. I have noticed endless signs and they continue to come each day from my husband. Just relax and notice things … lights flickering, the clock stopped, things being moved, certain songs on the radio, or messages on the T.V. Also, I read and was told to watch for things in nature. I saw his face in the clouds one day … it was clearly him as he had a very distinct profile and nose. My son chose to pick up a rock when he was walking along the riverbank which was his dad’s favorite place in our city to walk. There were many rocks to choose from. He thought in his mind as he held the rock … “he was a man among men”. We were amazed to see that the rock looks exactly like his dad. My son carries it with him everywhere and is calm knowing his dad is with him.
Wake up to the world around you as your husband is there with you every day trying to send you signs. You might want to read also “We Are Their Heaven” by Allison Dubois. This might also help you understand and be at peace. There are so many wonderful sites and books to explain with the spiritual side of this journey. Remember always, that we are spirits having a human experiences, so this is just one adventure in your spiritual journey. You will be with him once again.
Blessings and keep strong,
Alanna
I don’t feel my guy either … I wish I did … I feel empty as well
I still talk to him all the time though … I say good night and good morning … I always ask him advice … should I or shouldn’t I??? Ahhhh the list goes on and on … My Lover is never ever far from my thoughts.
My dreams are also horrible nightmares … mostly of him in the hospital … I never wake up laughing … always in a cold sweat or crying.
Well good night ladies … I feel another sore throat coming … shot of Neo-Citrin and bed.
I don’t feel my husband either. Sometime I wonder if he is mad at me for some reason because people tell me he will come to me in my dreams.
Deb
You couldn’t have said it better.
The one thing you want is the one thing you can’t have….him…
Christmas is a time of love and family and all things good, and just like all of us, you feel cheated out of that. We all do. You don’t blame your husband, you are angry because it happened at all.
I can’t say I feel Richard around me, but I don’t believe in coincidences, so sometimes when I hear one of our favorite songs or see something that reminds me of him, I like to think it’s him putting little reminders out there that he is still around. But I have had visions as I like to call them, that have happened while I am sleeping, but the reason that I call them visions, is that they are so incredibly real, that I really feel like I have talked to and touched my husband. It may sound crazy, but they are blessings to me and give me so much strength.
I pray all the time for them, but they seem to come when I at my lowest.
Have you experienced anything like this? My heart just feels for you.
Brenda,
The only dreams I have with him in them are nightmares…I have really scary nightmares about the moment that he died. He died in my arms struggling for his last breath with me telling him that I loved him and that everything would be ok. I also have nightmares about him being cremated. (I always hated that he wanted that!) I also have other nightmares….that I’m lost and I can’t find him.
I always wake up crying.
I wish I could have the dreams that you’re referring to…one’s of happier times.
Deb
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..New Year’s invitation =-.
Dear Deb
I have have various “visions” since Richard passed. They seems to only be seconds maybe. Once of him just smiling at me and telling me ” I choose you”…I wasn’t quite sure what that was suppose to mean, but just to see his smiling face made me happy. Another time, I actually felt him. My “vision” was that I was in a restuarant with two other people I could not see their faces, and I had the feeling someone was behind my chair and when I looked around, there was my husband, in his jeans and dark blue t-shirt, his usual choice of clothing with his hair in a ponytail {my husband had long black hair right up until he passed and I loved it} with that wonderful smile of his looking right at me and all he said was “miss me?”. Course in my vision I could not get to him quick enough, but at the precise moment that I threw my arms around his neck, I could feel him as real as ever and then the vision was over.
Listening to what you are experiencing, it makes me think that mabe because you carry the vision of him struggling at the end, it has stayed in your mind and gives you no peace when you do try to rest. It prevents you from remembering and focusing on the good times and memories.
I went through something similar with my mother when she passed. She was so afraid of dying, and that stuck in my mind after she did pass, she too passed in my arms. I listened to her take her last breath.
I devoutly prayed for a good 2 years after her death just asking God to let me know she was ok and happy because I knew she had been so afraid. I was again blessed to have a “vision” or an answer to my prayers as I like to believe it to be. I had a “vision ” of a white room, and a door opened and my mother walked in, only she was young, beautiful and healthy again and just smiling, not speaking. I talked ninety to nothing asking her one question after another, but she never spoke back then from nowhere I heard a voice that I instantly knew was God saying, you will just have to believe and it was over. I never have worried about my mother another moment, because I know where she is and I know she is happy and healthy again.
Deb, I know I have been sorta lengthy, but maybe it is just going to take prayer to lift these continous nightmares from you. For me God answered my prayers when he was ready and not because I was pleading for an answer. Do you sometimes wonder if he is ok, because he struggled at the end? It sounds like it hurt your heart so much to see what he went through, that the image of his struggle never strays to far from your mind. My suggestion would be to just pray for God to let you know that he is ok, and that he is healthy and happy again, I think once your prayers for that are answered, and they will be in Gods time tho, these nightmares will be lifted from you and your heart at peace . That is just my suggestion Deb, anyone haev any other suggestions to maybe help Deb?
As you can see it is pretty late, I can’t sleep tonight, maybe I’m not suppose to, but when I do, I will place you in my prayers Deb, take care.
I can relate to what you all are saying. I had more nightmares about Mike more recently. Thank God my most recent ones have been nice ones where were go shopping and traveling together. The other nite I had one where Mike and I were on an out of town trip. I was so upset when I woke up in the middle of my sleep to go to the bathroom. Means he’s dead again. I can relate to the emptyness. I feel so empty without him. I can be in a crowd of people and feel so empty without him. It is like they are just background noise and I am sitting there so empty. Maybe my life with Mike was just a good dream and I woke up from it. I want him back and yet that will never happen…
Deb/Veronica/Jo
I’ve never felt Martin with me. From the moment he died, to even up to now. It sucks big time, because all I want is a bit of interaction. I too don’t have any good dreams about Martin, and it has been a while since I last did. Unfortunately he was the only person so far that I have watched die and again unfortunately the image will probably remain with me for the rest of my life.
As I said in an earlier post, I’ve asked Santa for one last moment with our husbands, so on Christmas Day, if you wake up and have had the best dream ever then tell us about it.
Hard times, but neccessary ones. Keep strong on your journey my friends and although I try to get on with it, I too still have some Hard Times.
Christmas is supposed to be jolly and other things ending in olly. Well if you don’t feel up to the jolly part, do one thing, what would my husband do if it were the other way round? Guaranteed you will smile, as men were so incompetent when it came to holiday seasons, because without us, there probably would be no holiday season.
Much, love, strength, peace and above all happiness coming your way. Just smile,
Normaxxx
I know what you mean about those damn Christmas cards. After Roger died, some cards still came addressed to both of us, but what really bothers me is that to this very day I’ll still receive junk mail addressed to Roger, and when I see his name on the envelope, it just makes me cringe and then I get so mad! As though it’s some kind of invasion into my privacy and his life, into my private pain about losing him. How dare some damn credit card company send him mail! I know it sounds crazy because after all, how could some computer and its computer-generated list know that he’s dead? And then it starts me thinking about him and about losing him all over again. As for the comments others wrote about their husbands knowing that they would be dying, my Roger must have known that he was not long for this planet either, though he never shared this thought with me. He actually told me the exact opposite. He always reassured me that he was going to live a very long life because his own father is in his 90’s now and still very much alive. Roger was always doing a million things at a time, going 90 miles an hour in life, the kind of guy who was always working on multiple things and also had many things on the back burner so to speak. About a year before he died, he had a physical and then afterwards took out a life insurance policy, a term policy for a million dollars. The insurance company gave him a hard time about it and made him have another physical and then made him have his doctor write a letter and explain some test results and then the test results to the company because one of Roger’s test results showed some kind of anomaly, that initially made him uninsurable, but my Roger, bless his heart, was never one to take no for an answer and fought with the insurance company and didn’t let it slide, and didn’t take the attitude, “I’ll look into this tomorrow.” No, he was always like a dog with a bone. If he wanted something, he found a way to get it. He got his doctor who was also a personal friend, involved and between the two of them, they solved the problem. Roger was never one to become paralyzed by a problem. I sometimes think about that time in our lives and ponder, what if he had accepted the insurance company’s initial rejection? Most people would. I know for a fact that many of my family members would never fight with any corporation, much less an insurance company. They would just quietly accept whatever happened to them. My life would be a great deal harder than it is if not for Roger acting so diligently. He never mentioned the battle with the insurance company more than a couple times to me, and it was just in passing, during one of our countless conversations. Roger quietly did what was necessary to take care of the problem and finally got the insurance company to insure him. And, of course, now the joke’s on them ’cause a year later, my dear Roger was gone. Did Roger truly know that he was going to die? Sometimes I can’t get that thought out of my head. And I initially thought the insurance company would give me a hard time about the policy, but no, a few weeks after I submitted paperwork, they called and asked for banking info to wire money to my account. No muss, no fuss, though they also tried to get me to set up an annuity and their financial planner kept calling for a while. But I didn’t think it was wise to use the same company that issued the policy. Sometimes I am amazed at how things that you think will be difficult aren’t and things that shouldn’t be difficult, are. What is it about Christmas that gets you thinking about the past and about your life and about choices that were made by you and for you? Sorry for the rambling, guys. I hope everyone has the best possible Christmas considering everything that has happened to each of you. Merry Christmas!
I have been off this site for a while…..few weeks ? Alot of things going on, to settle my husband’s estate. Finally the court issued the grant of Letter of Administration. It’s almost coming to a year and now I can settle all outstanding issues on his estate. This christmas is going to bring back lot of sad moments. That fateful day came 2 days after our Christmas celebrations. I do not intend to attend any party this year as it is tough facing the same group of people but without him. My 2 daughters are coping well and are back to normalcy but not for me. There are days that I still can’t control my tears although most days are more bearable now. I don’t know what lie ahead of me. My daughters will have their own life and family eventually. I will be alone by then. I hate to think that way but just can’t control my mind running wild especially during this festive season where my 2 daughers are out with their friends. I’m all alone at home now reading this site and can’t help but feeling so sad and lonely without my husband. I miss him and I haven’t dream of him for a long time. …
Niki, come back and speak to us. Please. The hurt is what keeps you strong.
I know how you feel, that no one understands or even notices that you are not coping, but that’s because you probably put on a good mask. Speaking to others about how you feel inside, crying in public and letting go, are so hard to share with others.
Here you are not sharing with strangers. We all know your pain, your hurt, your sadness, and we are here to help you through it.
Let us be your therapy, let us listen to your pain, your tears, your hurt and we will help you through it.
Come back and let us know you are OK, Niki. Chirstmas just isn’t to honour the Virgin and her child, we are so westernised that we forget the other holidays around this time. But for this non-believer, it’s a time to get off work, watch movies and usually eat too much, and then it’s New Year. I surround myself with strangers at New Year, but just so I can let myself go. They don’t really know me, so I can let my hair down. I want really see them again so I can make a fool of myself without it being spread about the work place. Bugger, New Year in Scotland is the best, and you should all do it one year.
I’m sending out my strength, to you Niki, you need it more than I do at the moment and if I had your telephone number I’d be calling you right now, to make sure you are OK.
Much love
Normaxx
ps hang in there
I know what you mean about being angry when you wake up from a dream that has your husband in it. I haven’t had many but what I have had they seem to be only seconds. I wish they were longer. And about the cards, there were a couple in the mail today when I came home from work that were addressed to me from 2 of my husbands very good friends from work. I am glad that they remember me because I want to keep in contact with them but I will say that it is hard to just see your name where again it used to be Mr and Mrs. These are the friends that we used to do “couple” things with. They call every once in awhile, but I can relate to not being invited to those “couple” things anymore. I think the holidays, especially Christmas just intensifies that reality for all of us that our husbands are gone and that we are alone. Isn’t it amazing how you can be surrounded by people but still feel alone? I think the closer Christmas gets, the lonlier it gets. Two of my children it is their year to switch off Christmas and spend it with their in laws out of town. I know they have to and it’s only fair, but it makes it all the more lonely. I am thankful to have my oldest daughter and two of my grandbabies with me for Christmas. It will really just be us, and I am grateful to have them. There is a mass that is being held for my husband on Christmas Day in honor of it being his favorite holiday, and I know that it will bring a flood of memories back, but I will also try to remember my blessings. He left me with three beautiful children that are everyday reminders of him and our love for one another. I don’t know if emotionally I will be able to get back on till Christmas is over, so if I dont post anything, I wish all of peace and comfort to get through your days ahead and many blessings in the coming year. Many long distance hugs ladies.
Brenda
All of you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers. So many new friends have joined our retreat and want you to know I’m very aware of how you’re feeling. Reading your posts bring me comfort.
For those of you not familiar with my circumstances, my husband, Bob, passed away May 7th of this year. He was misdiagnosed for a year and a half with a “fractured rib,” then “pneumonia,” but, finally, received the correct diagnosis of lung cancer one week before he died. We were married 32 years (together 34).
The last seven months have been nothing short of hell for the family. Not only do you have the emptiness, sadness and grief to deal with, but the legal process and keeping up with the bills is enough to keep your head spinning, not knowing which end is up most of the time.
I did have my home up for sale thinking moving was the answer. After the long process of trying to find a new place to live, and to make a very long story short, it was not meant to be. No matter what I tried to do to move from here, obstacles kept arising to keep the move from materializing. I was making big decisions when I shouldn’t have been and learned “the hard way” to stop running.
As each day passes, I realize how much my husband took care of us. I have, more or less, retreated into a shell to deal with his loss. I don’t want to socialize at all and keep to close family and my friends here. I’m as sad and lost today and I was on the 7th of May.
Each and every one of you are an inspiration to me. We are all experiencing probably the most difficult time of our lives and paving our way to a life we never expected or wanted. I’m unable to find my stride.
To all my friends from the beginning, I love you and thank you for the support and comfort you’ve given me throughout the last 7 1/2 months. To all my new friends, stay with me and know that I’m here for you. I’M HERE FOR ALL OF YOU. It would be a dream come true if we could all meet one another and just “be.”
Hope all of you are able to be with the loved ones that “get it” and your Christmas is as lovely as all of you are.
” Mare “
Today, I saw the most awesome greeting card. On the front was a picture of a drenched puppy holding an umbrella that’s turned inside out~on the inside it said, “If one more person tells me to hang in there…”
I feel like that puppy! My stiff upperlip is getting overtime! No one realizes how hard this is, unless they’ve been there. I’m grateful to have found this website so that at least I dont feel completely alone~and know that there are people just like me struggling through this.
Niki, are you there? Please come and let us know you are OK.
I’ve thought about you most of the day and I’d just like to know that you are OK.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi there Friends and especially Norma,
I’m okay. I had a desperate couple of days and then finally cried on the phone to a friend who has lost her son and somehow I just felt better… also the other main key was to acknowledge to others how I’m feeling. I wrote on my facebook status that I have my happy face on but the reality is that I’m missing Joe. Just acknowledging it made me feel somewhat relieved.
I don’t know how I’ll be tomorrow… or Xmas day… but I guess we’ll all muddle our way through.
Thank you so much for your love and concern. It is very precious to know that someone understands.
Bye for now,
Niki
Thanks Niki, I can breathe again! I’m sorry if it seemed a little over dramatic. Last night I even contemplated trying to track you down, what a fruitless task that would have been, considering.
Lets hope we can all hang in there.
Much love
Normaxxx
Twitter: commentluv
December 22, 2010 at 8:03 pm
my husband and best friend passed away unexpectedly 6 weeks ago,
i am so lost right now, I pray for God to give us all strength
mssara1962@yahoo.com
Hello friends,
This is a very hard time for all who lost their loved ones. I know my heart is still heavy. I get very quiet. I remember. I make myself push on because of the love that we shared, still is and will always be.
I would want my Barry to be proud of me.
I pray for guidance and strength. I breath in and out…breathing in the pinkish and purple healing lights, not letting the negative energies to move in. I meditate and let it all go out into the Universe.
So, I will say my prayers for all of my friends on this site…GGP…gently, gracefully and peacefully. We can do it.
With Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
My Dearest Friends,
A very special prayer to all of you, during this difficult time.
Peace, Blessings and Hugs to all!!!
Zulaifa
I lost my “significant other” of 30 years on 7/4/10 to a sudden massive heart attack with no warning signs or symptoms. He collapsed and died instantly while working on his truck with a friend. I’m so heartbroken and I miss him terribly. I know I’ll never get over this loss, and I felt like a changed person instantly when I heard that he was dead. At times I feel so desperate to be with him, I could just go out of my mind if I allowed it. I’m trying very hard to keep myself together, but it’s not easy. I want to die so I can be with him.
Dear Janet,
I know how you are feeling!! I had your thoughts too! Please hang on. The Ladies here will give you so much of strength. It will be two years on January 25th 2011 since my husband passed away. I have become much stronger, there are days that it breaks me up, but still I manage to move forward. I know one day you’ll be able to come back here and support others.
Much Blessings to all!!
Zulaifa
Janet, TRUST ME, I know where you are coming from. I have been where you are so very many times this past year. (Ed was perfectly healthy, had an attack 11/28/09, was in a coma hrs later & died 12/4/09). Ed & I had been married just under 29 yrs. I still think of how much I want to join him. Then I stop myself. That would be the ultimate sign of disrespect to my wonderful man. If he is out there somewhere & I would join him I know he would spend eternity yelling at me. We have a 3 yr old granddaughter & one on the way in May, someone has to be around to tell them stories of their papap. They need a paternal grandparent. Janet you’ve got to find something that you can hold on to. For some reason we were left behind I’m curious to find out why. You, too have to stick around. Find a support group. I’ve done 2 full sessions of “Grief Share” it as really helped. And please don’t forget about all of us here on this site. The ladies here are wonderful people who really DO help. We are strangers who are best friends. Talk to a minister, friend, us… but PLEASE PLEASE, PLEASE don’t join him!!! If you need someone to talk to personally just post something I’ll give you my numbers & we’ll talk as long as you want. We are all here for each other because we all have lost our “other half” noone else can really relate to this.
Take Care Janet,
Lots of Hugs,
Mary
Hi Mary. I am so sorry for your loss. We have all been there and are struggling to cope with our loss. We are all here for you and will help you. My dear Charlie passed away less than three months ago. I know his mission on this earth was over, but mine is not. Neither is yours. Don’t give up. Lean on friends and family. I have always thought that sudicides go to hell. I hope not as I have a good friend that did that when she was 28. I know my husband is in heaven and that is where I want to go when it is my turn. When I get down I try to help someone else who is struggling. It helps to lift them and when you lift them, you are also lifted up. I am saying prayers for you on this vey day and will continue each and every day. We all have never met but have a common bond and love each other just the same. Hang in there sweetie. Sending you a hug. I also would talk to you on the phone if you want. You are not alone! We’re here.
Much Love, Karen Schieffer
I am so depressed I could scream. I thought my mom would let me sleep late and we open up presents in the afternoon. But no she had to come in wake me up to eat breakfast. And she was threatening to open up presents without me if I didn’t come on. And here I am so tired and depressed I could die. So we ended up in an argument and now I feel like creamed crud. Can’t people see that I miss him and hurt and need my sleep? And then she had to just bring up about how those girlie magazines he had (nice term for it) were found when he passed. I wish I had found them all before anyone came into the house to get stuff for auction and then I would’ve been better off. I am gonna have to take a nap later on or I am gonna be so dead tired I may be dead myself lol. I want him back from the dead and yet he can’t come back. Sorry to vent here but i helps me. Hope ya’ll have a good Christmas. Do pray my mom isn’t upset at me for too long…
I am doing better now. But still so very tired…
pppplease help me! i am so desperately sad…. my heart is completely broken in a million pieces…. my husband died 2 weeks ago , he had a heart attack at work, and i didn’t get to tell him how much i love him…. i just cant believe this is real…. he had just turned 50….. we have 6 kids … our future was planned, this isn’t how it was suppose to be…. i miss him so much i cant think of anything else…. thank you for everyone , its comforting to know your not alone
Twitter: commentluv
December 25, 2010 at 2:13 pm
summer,
i know the feeling, i lost my husband 6 weeks ago, if you need a email buddy to talk to , email me:
mssara1962@yahoo.com
Dear Summer,
We know exactly how you are feeling. You need to be strong for your kids. You are their father and mother both now. Please visit this site often. The ladies here are great.
Peace and Blessings to all
Summer: If you would like to have somebody to talk to, let me know and I will post my e-mail. When I get your phone #, I will be happy to call and talk to you. I find it helps a lot to have a voice on the other end of the line. Love, Terre
Summer, I know just how you feel for I just lost my husband to Cancer 8 weeks ago and he was only 58. We had our lives and future planned also. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I feel just like you. My heart is broken also. Your husband knew you loved him so there was no need for words. The whole thing seems unreal to me also and I can’t believe that he is gone. How could this be? My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Twitter: commentluv
December 25, 2010 at 2:10 pm
this is a really hard for me, not so much the holidays but missing my husband and best friend so much, he was my everything, it has been 6 weeks but seems like yesterday, he went thru alot of health issues but his death was unexpected and i think that is so hard to comprehend as i know he knew how much i loved him, we told each other all the time everyday but the idea that i could not tell him it was ok, if he had to go, and that that last good bye, i dont know, i have cried so many tears, i feel like they will never stop, i feel at times, i dont care about life anymore, i just want to be with him, i can be doing ok one minute thenthe next minute, i find myself so overwhelmed with grief, i feel the pain will never go away.
i have had to learn how to deal with so much that he always has taken care of , and i just feel overburdened with grief.
i do alot of volunteering but then when i am home i want to be alone, to be able to cry , i dont usually cry around people but sometimes i cant help it.
the holidays do nto help and then the new year then his birthday so i cant see any relief in sight..
God i need so much strength.
Twitter: commentluv
December 25, 2010 at 2:11 pm
if anyone is intersted in email:
mssara1962@yahoo.com
Hi Everyone
Denise Checking in Christmas Night. It has been a night of flashbacks of my dearest Steven. 16 months since his sudden cardiac arrest and sometimes the shock that he is gone still comes out of nowhere and overwhelmes me. Why he did not get to celebrate a 50th Birthday here on Earth or watch his young children grow and be a part of their life. Holidays are so hard because we never imagine we are going to have to go through them without our loved ones. But they are there with us, in our hearts, and will always be. One by one we will all pass from this earth and be together once again. The only difference is they have passed before us, receiving the gift of eternal life, where there is no pain, suffering, sorrow or sin. Why do babies, young children, teens, young adults pass before us? Why did we lose our loved one at such a young age? These are the answers we will not know while we are on earth, but one day it will be revealed to us.
For today we celebrate the birth of our Saviour, Jesus Christ. Wishing everyone Faith, Hope, Love and Peace on this Christmas Day. We miss our loved ones so much, but time on earth will pass very quickly. If you think about how fast time goes on earth you will realize that compared to eternal life our life here on Earth is very, very short. That is why (as painful as it is) we MUST make the best of each and every day, fo NO ONE is promised tomorrow. Celebrate the time you had together, the memories you shared. Accept that you will never get over the loss of your loved one, for having loved so deeply, is a gift that many have never known. If we had not loved so deeply we would not feel such pain. It is us in pain it is not them any longer, they are free from all pain. Sure the untimely deaths were not according to our plan, our future has been shattered from what our plan for our life was, but our time is not up yet. Our beloved soulmates have not really left us, they have only left us temporarily in a physical sense and they will remain in our heart FOREVER. You will be surprised where your strength will come from to go on without them on this Earth. God Loves all of his creations, he would not condemn or reject any of them, and one by one the chain of your family and ancestors will all be linked again, in a much better place than where we are now. You must never think about taking your own life, or wanting to die to be with your loved one, for they are NOT in pain and that is NOT what they would want. Stay strong ladies and know that on this special day, Hope was born and I pray this will radiate some Peace in your hearts. God Bless
Very well said Denise. Truer words were never spoken. Your words bring hope to all of us. Where would we be without the hope that is in us to see our beloved Lord and our loved ones lost to us? God’s blessings to you and all of the ladies here on this site.
Karen Schieffer
Janet and Summer
You are doing more brilliantly than you think. Tough times. In the beginning, the toughest times you will ever have. I would challenge anyone here not to agree that we have all had the same thoughts of wanting to join our loved ones. Even now, as the holiday season hits us, those daft thoughts come creeping back.
But everytime you have those thoughts, and get through them and out the other side, you are doing what is right, to honour yourself as well as your lost loved one, by continuing on this journey. It’s not going to be easy, we all know that, but you will come through it. I too still have the thoughts, I imagine myself picking up the knife I can see it so clearly in my mind, and that is what stops me. Love yourself as much as your lost love, because only you can get yourself through this.
Remember the loss your children felt when he died, don’t succumb and make them go through any more loss. They will have to do it eventually but not now.
Stay strong ladies, come here and speak to us, let us get you through the tough times, just like you will help us through our tough times. And putting your GOD aside for a moment, have faith in yourself above all others, because you are the one who will make this life whole again. Your GOD will be proud of you for taking that step by yourself.
Love to all of you, strength to all of you, and peace and happiness for the years to come.
Much love
Normaxxx
A white Christmas here. Wish Mike were here to see it. Hugs to all of you. With Mikes heart attack I never got to say goodbye. I am still in deep deep shock over him. I never got the time to really grieve. Had to do the funeral preparations, then getting the house ready to be remodeled to be rented out. I go in and out of believing he is gone. When I fully believe it, I am likely for a nervous breakdown. I know my Mike wouldn’t want to end my life even tho I’d want to be with him. Hang in there, we are here for you…
Twitter: commentluv
December 26, 2010 at 12:35 pm
my journey, in 2002 i met this wonderful man and we lived together then got married, and in 2005, he became sick, was never sick before as long as he can remember, he was diagnossed with liver failure, what a shock to us, and really at that time i didnt hit us so much untill he was so sick one day he went into a coma and stayed in it for two days, the drs told us he did not expect him to come out of it , that we needed to call family in to say our good byes, and to make arrangements, as we prayed for him, i sat by his side 24/7 never leaving his side once, then two days later despite what the drs told us, he came out of the coma, not remembeing a thing that happened, he wanted to know why everyone was there, was something wrong, we explained everything to him, and he could not beleive it.
he then was transferred to the medical center for a evaluation to be listed for a liver transplant, he was evaluated, and was listed and then we had many return trips to er for the same reason, liver failure, then 16 months later, we got the call at 10 30 pm, that they had a liver for him and to get to the hospital right away, we went and the very next morning, he received his liver tranpslant, i was in so much shock that this was happening, that we didnt know what to say to each other, knowing that we were receiving a gift but another family lost a loved one, we lived with guilt , but also trying to deal with what we were going thru, even after going home, it still just seemed like another trip to the hospital………
he done great with his liver transplant, had no issues and he started back to work as a carpenter, the drs were amazed at how well he was doing…………….
then in dec 2009, his kidneys started failing, so we were facing yet another journey, so again he went thru an evaluation, and was listed for a kidney , and yet at the same time, something just hit me to donate to him, so i got evaluated and was a “match’, we were so excited but yet scared at the same time, i prayed so hard for this to be such a succes for Julian was on dialysis 8 months when the surgery was scheduled, our nerves were shot by then, finally the big day, and to be honest i was not scared i was nervous for him for everything to go ok, not for me, on july 27th, we were both wheeled into surgery , and the first thing i remember afte surgery was asking for julian, and he doen the same thing, asking for me, that was all we wanted to do was to talk or see each other, and he was on the transplant floor where most patiens are after tranplant related surgeries, but they were full so i was taken to another floor, and we were both having anxiety attaches to see each other, and it was only a hour or so later but it seemed like forever but i finall told my family if i dont hear from him i was leaving my room to look for him, they used my cell and got im on the phone, we needed to hear each others voice to know we the other was ok, then we both relaxed , two days later i was relased , went home, to shower and change and pask to go back up there to stay with julian over night as he got out the next day, i slept in his room, and the nurses always had to go find me in his room when they needed me .
we went home, he was doing great, they say the donor has the hardest recovery time, and i believe that but still was worth every minute of it, i would do it all over agian if i could, i was very sore for a few weeks, but no pain, never once took a pill, we were both doign good, i took off 6 weeks to recover and to take care of him, then two weeks later, Julian fell down in the bathroom at midnight and i heard him, and as i went to him , he seemed out of it, i was not sure what was going on, and i could not even help him, get up,as i was recovering, so i help him crawl to the bed, then i called the ambulance, they took him in , he was admitted to icu, with not sure what was goign on, we though maybe something going on with his kidney ??, so they done every tests available and they still could not find anything that could cause this, he was having severe pain in his abdominal that would not go away and his liver and kidney were doing great so they could not understand what was going on, so with his continues pain, the dr told us that if he still hd pain in the morning, they may have to do exploratory surgery to make sur everythign was ok, so still the pain was there the nexy day, so they took him in to explore, but the news was a shock to us all including the drs, they foudn that julians was having extremem intestional issues and his bowl was dead. yes, we did not understand, they explained he might have had a blood clot when he slipped down, but still they were not sure, they did nto expect him to make him thru the night, again family was called in, as we didnt knwo what to expect , the drs told us that in two days if he was stable enough they woudl go back in to check on his progress to see what to do from there, the next surgery seemed to show that he bowl was improved and was looking bettter with the meds he was giving him, so again every other day , the drs went in to do exploratory surgery for 7 times , the 8 time they finally closed him up and said they had to remove a lrge portion of his large intestine and also his small intestines and that his recovery would be a long one and they could say what could happen, so he had 8 surgeries in 11 days, the drs were amazed at his strength and he was such a fighter to live , he went thru so much but yet waw so strong, i lived at the hospital in icu the first 21 days, sleeping in the chairs, by his side the whole time, just praying and praying.
we were back and forth from the floor to sicu so may times i lost count , and everytime it seemed so much harder, we lived at the hospital for 3 months, i only went home on sundays to repack , pay bills, check on the house, etc, i still was off work on my medical leave recovering myself but that did not seem to matter to me at all at the time, then i continued to take off , i took an additional 3 weeks off, , JUlian was progressing very well even with all the setbacks, he got stronger everyday, he went thru so much, tube feeding, had nto ate real food in the about two months, he was getting agrevated so much, he was having to do pt to learn to walk all over again , he was in bed so long,
so many things were going on, then the friday before JUlian passed the drs just told us that he was adoing so good that he did not need to be in the hosp aymore on a medical standpoint and that on monday theywould talk about sending him to rehab , that sunday as usual i went home for the day as i only done on sundays, Julian was a big football fan and he was watching a game and his sister was there, and she was just talking to him one minutes and then the next she saw him sleeping, then allof a sudden his other sister walked in and looked at him and was talking to him, also thinking he was asleep, but usually she woke him with her voice, so she though something was wrong,he did not respond, they called in the nurses, and they called code blue as he had coded, they done cpr and rushed him to sicu again, i flew back to the hospital, and they would not let us in as they were just getting him situated in icu and i was so scared, it seemed like hours but it really wasnt , untill i got to in to see him, again it seemed just like any other trip back and forth, but yet this was so much more serious, having learned so much from our journey i had so many questions, from what the labs was showing us it was not good, his oxygen was not good, and they said his organs were shutting down, and they put him on 24 dialysis, to see if that would help, it didnt, it was too much on him, his body was already gone the day before and he was literally on life support, so i had to make that very hard dicision, one i wish i never had to do but i also know he would not want to be on a machine, we already had talked about this so many times, so i we all had to say our good byes , i was surrounded with so much family and friends, they had to move him to a larger room for our famliy could be together to say out last good byes, we all said a prayer and each said our good bye, i could not leave him, i wanted so much to just go with him. .
It has been 6 weeks now, but seems like yesterday i lost my husband and best friend, i am so lost and feel the pain will never go away, i hear from some it will get better but its does not seem like it, i can be ok one minute and then the next i but out in tearsand they wont stop.
i come home to a empty house, no one to talk to , to share my everyday things with, no one to wake up to to drink coffee with, no one to eat dinner with, and so on, i dread coming home to a emtpy house, i have so many adjustments to make being alone, just the little things that we done together hurt so much when i so much as go to the grocery store alone.
my days are hard and my life is not the same anymore but i have to live on as he would want me to , Julian knew how important volunteering was to me to promote organ doantion and i continue my volunteer work, and i do that to honor him and in his memory.
i pray God gives me and all your other who have lost soemone in your life strength to go on every day.
email: mssara1962@yahoo.com
Is there something wrong with me!
I haven’t shed a single tear this holiday? Have I come to terms with what has happened? Still feels like i’m completely alone but life goes on? Thinking of moving closer to my sister … I no longer have anybody close to me up here in the boonies! Maybe ill have a huge meltdown when I start going through our house and start clearing out some of Heaths belongings?
Well it must be my 2 girls and granny that are helping me cope with all this tragedy (and my 5 dogs)! My girls happily ripped the TON of presents I had bought them this year! We have been playing for 2 days now and still have gifts to explore.
It’s been 6 months since Heath suddenly passed away … I miss him terribly but there is no way I can bring him back …. so on I go hey.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all from Alberta Canada!
Twitter: commentluv
December 26, 2010 at 5:24 pm
great idea , why dont post the are of state we live in,
maybe we can become local email buddies.
i live in houston, texas
I am so glad the holidays are over. I made it through Christmas and that was the one I worried about. I didn’t have a tree or send out cards but I kept busy. I can’t believe it is almost 7 months since Larry passed I miss him so. Hope everyone has the Happiest New Year they can I am thinking about everyone.
I live in the great state of Maine.
Welcome to our new friends, you will find this is a site of comfort and strength. We have all felt when you are going through. My husband passed away from sudden cardiac arrest on Dec. 19, 2009. He was 52 and we had been together over 26 years. I made it through the first year. This Christmas felt a little better than last–which was a numbing blur to be frank. It is still lonely and heartbreaking but I put on my game face for our 4 children (25, 23, 15, 10). I am finding New Year’s Eve harder than Christmas. I have no one to kiss at midnight and that makes me incredibly sad. We would always celebrate with the goofy hats, lots of food, games, silly dancing, music, etc. and watch the fireworks from our living room window at midnight with our children. And kiss. I am having the usual celebration tonight–last year I went to bed early to avoid all of the festivities–but this year I am doing it for the kids.
I live in the land of 10,000 lakes and 30 below wind chills–Minnesota!
Happy New Year with lots of love, hugs, and positive energy to all of you.
Love, Lori
thank you so much!… your postings are so wonderful… i feel weak today , i can barely hold myself up…. but i read everyoneones postings, and cant thank you enough….u guys are such a blessing … my email is summerto1634@yahoo.com
Twitter: commentluv
December 26, 2010 at 5:38 pm
also we can add our email with our state , maybe some of could use email buddies to talk to . i know i can
The week before Mike passed from the heart attack, he went to the drs and they said he had checked out okay. His Dr felt abd that it was not detected before he passed. But eveidently he was fine one week and a few days later the heart attack came on.
I am here in VA. An hr south of Richmond. Hugs to everyone…
Cheryl – Did your husband have an EKG? Was he at the doctor having a physical? It’s crazy that they didn’t find something that they could treat.
Twitter: commentluv
December 28, 2010 at 5:46 pm
yes getting thru thru the holidays have been hard, now the new year, hen feb is my husbands birthday, so im gonna do a balloon release on that day with family to share his specila day as we always done.
the event will be called ” balloons to heaven “
Hi Sara. The balloon release sounds nice for your husbands birthday. We had a game night on November 5th with all my husbands favorite foods. My husband Charlie will be gone 3 months tomorrow. He had cancer and was 61. I, like the rest of us, made it through Christmas okay. I think next month will be harder. Our 27th wedding anniversary is 1 month from today on the 28th of January. We always went out of town on a trip. Not sure what I will do yet but whatever it is, I just hope it honors him and our marriage. Even though we all have low times and wish we had our husbands back, I think all the ladies here are a lot stronger than they realize. I pray that in 2011 all the widows and widowers here find some peace and happiness. That is what honors the memory of our loved ones.
Hugs, Karen Schieffer
Twitter: commentluv
December 28, 2010 at 7:55 pm
your absolutly right, its the memories that keep us going strong, some days i have a ok day then other days are really bad, but what ever i do i just try to keep those memories alive .
i know its does seem like see are stronger than we think we are, i haev always been the strong one and my husband was always my strength, so i always keep that in mind when i get weak, i pull from those memories of he always saw me so strong, i would not want him to see me so weak, so i do what ever i have to be strong
Thank you ladies for all your posts. It really does help to read your stories. I’m so sorry we are all going through this. Christmas this year was tough. It was five weeks to the day that my husband, Zoltan died. I went to friends on Christmas Eve and that was OK. They even did a toast to Zoltan at dinner. But coming home again without him was so hard. On Christmas day when we would normally have our celebration, I was alone with my two cats. But I did manage to do a bit along with a lot of weeping. Even made a Christmas dinner and some treats for “the boys”.
Now I seem to have this feeling of waiting for something and I don’t know what it is I’m waiting for. Spend so much time remembering all the times we were together…good and also some of the not so good times. Where do I go from here? I’m working again and reading and when I’m out with people it’s OK but home again and I start thinking about him all the time.
Norma, your comments help me to try to stay strong and I wish for some peace and harmony for all of us in 2011.
I am 38 years old. My husband of 12 years was killed in a motorcycle accident Nov 4, 2009. It has been a very long and very short year for me. I did, like many of you, have a tremendous amount of support from family and friends following my husbands death. The funeral was so amazing I belive it will go down in history as being the most unbelievable funeral ever. There were over 650 people there from so many different walks of life. There were motorcycles, hot rod cars and business people who attended. The funeral ended with a few major burn outs of some of the hot rod cars and that is just what he would have loved. I had to immediatly begin the process of closing down his business and figure out what to do with all of the bills that went along with that. It was a very difficult time. It seemed like I had very little time to sit and think because of all of the endless paperwork that goes along with the death of a spouse. Thank God his mother and sister helped me with all of the paperwork as much as they could. As time went on books about grief were given to me and I began to read as much as I could to make sure I was doing this right. Books about the different steps one must go thru in order to heal, although they were somewhat helpful I knew I had to find my own way thru this. Many of my friends would call me daily to get me to come out with them either to get a drink after work or come to their house for dinner, but I did not want to do anything but go home after work and get my pj’s on and sit with a nice glass of wine and cry.
I also have three dogs one of which was a 7 month old rottweiler that my husband just had to have. I could not see it then but that big destructive puppy and my other two grown up doggies were the best thing for me at that time and still are. They gave me a reason to wake up in the morning and they gave me a reason to come home at night.
I did eventually start to get out more. I took up a real boxing class, which was wonderful for me. I was able to punch out my frustrations and learn to protect myself better. I love to country dance so I started to join some friends at a local bar and we would dance with almost every willing guy in the place most nights. I was having fun again. Then I met or should I say re met an old friend of a friend of mine and my late husbands. He asked if he could take me to dinner and I was very scared so I really didn’t put much effort into it. A month later I saw him again and we exchanged numbers. I still felt very uncomfortable but we made a date to go to dinner. I didn’t tell many people about this dinner date because I felt like I was doing something wrong. When he came to pick me up he showed up with a beautiful boquet of roses and three dog bones for my children. I thought wow he really knows how to get to me right! He was a complete gentleman and made me feel a princess. We now spend everyday together, he is amazing and we are in love. I feel so blessed to have found a man who can love me and all of my memories. It takes a special person to be able to do that.
I do seem to be having some trouble with his Mom and Dad. When I told them about him they told me it was too soon for them for me to start seeing someone. The funny thing is when I told them about him I was not asking permission but I guess they thought I was right! So now I seem to talk to them a bit less than normal because I am doing what I want to do. I feel like I can’t talk to them about my life because they do not approve and that is very hard for me because I have to move on. In the new year I am going to sit down with them and explain my side and if they want to accept it then we will go on and if they don’t want to accept it then we will not.
If anyone has any words of wisdom for me I would love to hear from you.
Thank you,
Dawn
Twitter: commentluv
December 30, 2010 at 8:37 pm
Dawn
hi , I am sorry for your loss but glad to see you have went forward in life, i cant een imagine going past one day at a time right now, but i know you have been wherei am and at two months out from the loss of my husband and best friend of 8 1/2 yrs, my whole body is just torn apart, all i do is cry and cry , dont want to get out, just a loner right now, i do have lots of support and i do talk about julian , that s help me and i volunteer to share our wonderful story and i wonder sometimes how lif can go on, but i know it will, i lke you worry that there is no one out there that will understand our loss so i dont even make anyone understand.
alot of my friends dont know what to say to me, and i understand, i feel that they havent been there then they really do not understand.
you can email me is you like:
mssara1962@yahoo.com
Welcome to the new folks and hugs to all. I was just crying my heart out watching tv. Why? They just showed an ad where you could buy a cd or dvd set (forget which) of Elvis doing gospel music. Mike was a huge Elvis fan and collected everything of him. It so reminded me of Mike and broke my heart. No fair that Elvis gets to see Mike every day and I don’t. I wish they could let Mike come back from heaven to visit but they can’t. Sorry to rant here but this is the one place I feel free to rant on. Love you guys for just being there. Thanks Corrine for giving us this place to share and vent on…
Twitter: commentluv
December 30, 2010 at 8:27 pm
hi Cheryl,
i understand exactly what you mean, i can be fine one minute and the next tears start just by hearing a soge, or looking at Julians pictures, or thinking of the wonderful memories.
i can hear a advertisment, or see some mail and it kicks off again,
just going in our bedroom looking at his clothes, his picture, make me cry.
the sad thing is that i have been sleeping on the cough for ever now, i m gonna wear it out, but its hard just to sleep in my bed without julian by my side.
my room is amess, i unpacked when i came home from the hospital almost two months ago and it all right in the room where i left it, clothes on my bed, shoes all my floors, its a disaster, never has my room looked like that, and the sad thing is i dont care what my house looks like.
i personally dont care about alot right now, i hope that feeling goes away cause i dont like it, but that s how i feel.
i come home , get in to my pjs and just sit home alone, i dont want to go anywhere but yet it s so hard to sit here alone, but i just cry and cry …..and most times i cry myself to sleep.
i have a friend that lost her husband about four months before me and she said she went thru the same feeeling, she didnt care about anything and barely starting to clean up and do stuff around her house.
does anyone else feel this way as i do?
Dawn~ As we are all painfully aware, LIFE IS TOO SHORT! If this man is good to you and makes you happy-Go for it! Your husband loved you, and because he loved you, he would be glad for your happiness. His parents will get over it (or not-that’s their issue) I remember when my mom wanted to remarry after my dad died and I didnt like the idea- but I got over it and realized that she needed to find happiness and didnt deserve to be a lonely widow for the rest of her life.
You are a message of hope to us all. Thank you for that.
Debie
Twitter: commentluv
December 30, 2010 at 9:20 pm
Debie
i feel the same way, it only matters what you feel and thatyou are happy, you done love to make others happy, you are happy by loving. i am glad to hear you have found a new life, i cant imagine that right now but i feel one day God will put someone in my life to undestand me just like julian did, i feel there will never be anyone like him, but GOd knows what we need.
be happy , ill find joy one day .and i hopefully can saare that
Hello everybody!
I agree with Sara. I read the site all the time and it has helped me thru the last three years…knowing that I am not alone in grieving. I was in a zombie state of mind…so numbed and dazed. I lived in a fog and everything was moving so fast and I was moving so slow. I worked very hard on my spirituality and on myself. With the support of my spiritual family…community and friends…I pulled thru.
Do not feel guilty as we keep living. I know that Barry would not want me to keep pining away, evaporate into thin air and not continue living. That is why my Barry loved me so much…fiestiness, passions and tons of love! I remember my Barry with Honor.
I am meeting someone next week. We have been communicating thru emails, Skype and phone calls for seven months. He told me not to put away Barry’s pictures. How can I pack up Barry’s pictures and stuff…he is all around me? So, my friends…this new person really respects me for the deep love of life that I carry…as it will always exist.
So my friends, it is OK to continue on living. Do not feel guilty for living. That was why our husbands loved us. Be strong. Things will get better. Bit by bit, we can heal those cracks in our hearts. Love that is within each one of us…will continue flowing.
God Bless each one and everyone of us. We can still stand up tall and proudly because we give love.
With Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: commentluv
December 31, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Mary
i regards to you meeting someone else, i have talked to many people who have lost thier husbands and like them they had to of course go thru their grieving to get to where they went , and i am so happy for you and i know life must go on , and we all want to be happy but at this pint in my life , just two months out from the loss of my spouse, of course i feel i must go on in life, my julian would want that, btu no where am i near eeven thinking about , and who knows when someone special will walk in to my life and sweep me odd my feet like julian did, then i can either take a chance n life like we all have to do or looose out of maybe something wonderful .
i look back at my life and i think what if i didnt not take a chance on building a life with my julian 8 1/2 years ago i would not have those wonderful memories and would not have had that wonderful life i had with him, i am so glad i did, and i am always glad to hear when someone is happy, i know God puts people in our life for a reason.
i guess i kind think about my future, what will it be, i dont want to grow old alone, but i will wait in god to work in my life.
i have great admiration for the man you are with, i feel they mus understand what we are goign thru, if nto there will be issues in amarriage, i cant imagine it, cause what happends when you start cying of just hearing a song, etc, wil lthey tell you , get over it, if so they do not need to be in your life, they have to understand and i think about that alot
good luck in your future
Hello to all the lovely ladies posting on this site.
I see so many new names and stories and, believe me, I can relate to each and every one of you. What the New Year will bring is unknown, but I wish each and every one of you strength to get through this and love to comfort you.
To update our new friends, my husband, Bob, passed away May 7th, 2010. For one year, he was diagnosed with a fractured rib that wouldn’t heal, then the diagnosis was changed to pneumonia on April 4, 2010, then finally diagnosed with lung cancer one week before he passed. To this day, I’m unable to go into our bedroom. Plans for moving, which did not materialize, have left many, many boxes unpacked remaining in the garage.
This is the most difficult event I’ve experienced in my life. Not only do we have the changes that develop trying to adapt to a “different life,” but the responsibilites of carrying this load on your shoulders alone can’t be described properly with words.
Our lives are very different now without our partner and best friend. I can only hope things will evolve over time to ease the burdens we now carry being without them.
Please keep posting to let us know how you’re doing. Whether the news is good or not so good, we’re all in this together. We definitely help each other with our love and support.
Again, whatever the New Year brings, it sure is nice to know all of you are here to turn to.
“Mare”
Knowing all of you are here to turn to and understand what is really going on brings peace and a strong bond among us. We have to get through this…..for our children and grandchildren…..for us.
Dawn,
I can totally relate to your dilemma with your parents not being happy that you’re seeing someone else. My adult son was not too keen on my dating again after Roger died (even though he had been gone for nearly a year), but he changed his attitude once he saw how good my new man (now husband) was (is) to me, and how well he treats me. Thinking about that reminded me that I lost one of my girlfriends just because she didn’t want me to start seeing someone about a year after Roger passed. I later realized that she simply didn’t want me to be happy. It took Roger’s death for me to see her true colors. It’s very sad and I miss having her in my life but I couldn’t stay miserable forever and I truly believe this is what she wanted for me. She seemed to thrive on my being unhappy. I’m sure others on this site have met people like this, people who seem to love others’ unhappiness. Maybe their lives aren’t exactly perfect and yours usually is and then a tragedy happens leaving you devastated and suddenly this “good” friend is so incredibly sympathetic and caring, but only until your life starts to straighten out again and you’re happier. Then they seem to devise ways to return you to a state of unhappiness. My girlfriend made all sorts of unkind remarks about my new boyfriend, and was very judgmental. She also gave told me to sell my house – which was paid off, and strongly urged me to buy an even larger house, complete with huge mortgage. She also thought I should quit my job, (which I absolutely love and that pays really well), and start a business with her, but with me being the sole financial investor! These things were destined to make me incur huge debt and the business would only fail in this economy. I came out of my fog of depression primarily because I started going places with my newfound “old” friend (who later became my husband) and my eyes were opened, and I realized this girlfriend didn’t really have my best interests in mind. She was happiest when I was miserable. Why I never saw this in her when Roger was alive, I’ll never know.
Dawn give your parents time to adjust to the new situation – to the new man in your life. They’re probably worried that you’ll be hurt or taken advantage of, or both. Just give it time. If he’s as wonderful as you say, they’ll come around to your thinking and love him too!
Sometimes people don’t show their true colors until something bad happens to you. So glad you found happiness again. Me I do not want anyone else but Mike. But to those who decide to love again good luck with it. I went out to eat with friends as Mike & I did every yr at New yrs– my friend who introduced us and his cousins family and Mikes brothers next door neighbor. Now I am home and am gonna watch Dick Clark with a sweet little pillow I named Mike Pillow which has a pic of Mike in it. I found the pillow that you can put a pic in, in the Dollar store after Mike passed in 2009. It was heart shaped. I put a pic of Mike in it and named it Mike Pillow. I call it Pillow for short. While my folks sleep, Pillow and I will watch Dick Clark drop the ball and remember my darling Mike. Happy news yrs to Mike and all the other deceased husbands out there and all of you too…
Twitter: commentluv
December 31, 2010 at 9:57 pm
I perfectly understand you way of thinking, it has been two months tommorrow and yet i feel i will never want to go on , i dont know where i will be in amonth or three months or even a year from now, but i sure hope guides me and gives me the strength t go one each day.
i too just sit around and old julians picture , today i took it with me to the cemetary and ate lunch and talked my head away.
Twitter: commentluv
December 31, 2010 at 10:13 pm
i just wanted to throw this out to all out there?
i had someone who is not a person who has lost a spouse to ask me
why am i still wearing my wedding rings??????????????????wth
I didnt know what to say to her, they have been on there on my finger for 8 1/2 years and never been off so i really havent even thought about that………….of all things……
whats your thoughts on that subject ?
i honestly feel that i can relate to those who have lost a spouse , no matter how far in to time it was , than those who do not know the feeling, they dotn understand what we are going thru , the pain we
have to go thru .
i know i have a lots of friends who are honest with me and i like that when they tell me, i feel pain for you but i dont know what to say to you, and i respect and understand that honestly.
Sara, I not only wear my own wedding rings, but I wear his too. Immediately after he passed, when the cremation society was on their way- I took it off his finger and added it to my own set. I didnt want anyone else taking it off his finger except me. He treasured our rings as a symbol of our commitment, and I treasure them too. I dont see taking them off any time soon.
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..New Year’s invitation =-.
Twitter: commentluv
December 31, 2010 at 11:11 pm
same here:
He treasured our rings as a symbol of our commitment, and I treasure them too. I dont see taking them off any time soon!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello ladies
Here is my 2 cents.
I only have eyes for one man and that was my husband the father of my children! I will never marry again. To have a boyfriend has crossed my mind but I have a 5 year old and 1 year old Daughters!!!! Have you ladies heard of some of the things happening to young kids now a days!!!!!!! It still is only been 6 months since my wonderful man has passed away but I am pretty sure there will be no one for a LONG time. Now on the other hand to all of you lovely ladies that have had a chance to move and and re marry or have boyfriends THATS GREAT!!!!! Live life to its fullest … do what feels right for you …. to love someone and to share time with someone that loves you is the best way to spend life!!!!!!!!
I did take my wedding rings off … Our motto was Forever & Always
… I put both wedding and engagement rings on a gold chain that I was going to wear forever around my neck forever … but they got all dirty and they were starting to wear from all the rubbing they were doing along the chain …. i have kind of a Heath area and i feel that if i have the rings there , his remains, a few of his favorite books and a budweiser beer can LOL ,,, that he is still kinda here? I dunno … it helps me so thats what i do
I guess technically I am not married anymore …. thats what people think right away if they see a wedding ring right?. Just because i took the rings off I don’t feel that i have removed the love that i shared with him.
Well going to bed ….. just wanted to share what i did in the 2 newest subjects that have come up
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Twitter: commentluv
December 31, 2010 at 11:56 pm
i perfect;y understand your point of view and myself i think the same way, im not interested no time soon , and as far as the wedding rings, i really had not even thought about themuntill someone asked me that question, then had me thinking, but i still havent taken them off, i guess i dont because i dont want to , that was our bond to each other, i guess i feel still connected to my julian , i dont know but i guess time will help us all deal in our ways and i find it very interesteing how so many deal thru their grief in so many differnet ways.
i dotn carfe hoe long its take me to have better days ill stay where im at as long as i need to , then go forward in whatever i need to do when i feel it is right, so i really dotn think anyone does anything wrong , we just do things in differnt ways.
happy new years
Twitter: commentluv
January 1, 2011 at 12:00 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsBwih3X5Kw
Dearest Friends
Wishing you all this New Year – power to rediscover the strength and faith within you, to rejoice in simple pleasures and gear up for new challenges!!
Hugs and Blessings to All!!
Zulaifa
Happy New Year to all the friends on this site.
Here is what I did with our wedding rings. They were custom made with the Ankh symbols all around them. I bought them back to the jewelery and had them make it into a “Dream Catcher”. He wove gold threads inside of each ring. My ring hung off from Barry’s ring.
He made a pair of gold feathers for each ring. The feathers for Barry’s ring had his birth stone and his healing stone. They hung off on either side of the ring. On my ring, it was my birth stone and a white stone for pureness.
I wore the “Dream Catcher” on a gold chain around my neck. Everybody noticed and admired it. At other times, the “Dream Catcher” would be hanging off my living/dining room window…catching the Sun and its energy.
This way our dreams never died. I carry on holding Barry in Honor..as he holds me in Honor, also. We are always intertwine.
It is part of life to keep our hearts open to give and receive love. That is God’s Love that was given to each one of us…to share with others. It is our job to take care of our spirits…letting it shine.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: miraclady
January 1, 2011 at 9:08 am
Dear Ones – my treasured friends –
The Holidays are finally over. I can’t wait to get my tree down.
Birthdays and anniversaries are hard but this season lasts so LONG. They start the carols on Halloween.
I read every one of your posts. Don’t comment much because it now belongs to you. Do you realize that there are over 1400 comments now? And more every day. I feel my writing that first article was divinely guided. (Sorry, Norma)
Zulaifa – you inspire everyone. Thank you and all the first commentators for hanging in and helping all the new ones.
New letters about taking rings off. All I can say is you will know when – and if – you will do it. Don’t let anyone tell you when.
I thought Mary’s idea about making a dream catcher was so charming.
Special thanks to you for staying in and helping everyone.
One of my friends took her rings and had them redesigned – added some stones and wears it on her right hand. She says it combines her old life with the new.
It took me a while. Finally, I put them away and then an idea came to me.
One of my sons was getting married. He proudly wears his Dad’s ring.
Then another son. A darling girl. She cherishes my wedding ring.
So they have a new life with happy marriages.
Some of you have mentioned that you feel that your husbands are still around. Mine definitely was. He even told me a stock to buy and at what price and when to sell it.
At first it was so comforting. And then, I realized it was holding me back from moving on. A psychic told me I was holding on to him. He was not holding on to me. I don’t know which is right. After a couple of years, I wrote him a poem. It is in my book, A Woman Without A Man.
Here it is:
Time to Go
You can’t stay here anymore,
sleep on your side of the bed,
watch TV at your end of the couch,
tell me what stocks to buy,
oppose your son’s change of major,
or pick out flowers for the yard.
This is my house now.
I like the color I painted the living room,
and I always hated those drapes.
That chair does do need reupholstering!
I accept all your apologies:
that you didn’t know how much you loved me,
didn’t appreciate me until you died,
didn’t leave enough insurance,
never meant to make me cry.
I forgive you.
Please. Go away now.
I have taken down your father’s picture
and, I’m sorry,
all of yours,
put away my wedding ring,
picked up the pieces of my heart.
I’m waiting for a new life to start,
and you can’t stay here anymore.
I wish you all peace in this New Year. And I send love to all of you every day.
Thank you Corinne for your encouraging comment, May god bless you heaps for creating this site, and Thank you to all those ladies who supported me with their words of wisdom.
God Bless and Hugs to All!!
Twitter: commentluv
January 1, 2011 at 9:39 am
Corinne,
how true, that poem hits the spot.
i feel my Julian is with me and watching me and guiding me,
i do things that i really dont think aout untill i look back,
things like you know how we all have our own favorite side of the bed, well every since he left me i was sleeping on his side of the bed, using his blanket everyday, and it is hard even sleeping that bed, and i im nto sure what made me do it but i have been sleeping on the couch for over two weeks now, im gonna wear it out, but i still drag his blanket with me and snuggle with it, when i go to the grocery i find myslef buying things he bought, i went to walmart the other day and of all places i walked rigth into he automotive section and purchased the blue shop towels as he always did, then after throwing them in my basket, i smiled….
then he use to buy me the whitman sampler candies all the time, the othe day i picked one up as i passed the candy isle and smiled, i guess that helps me in some way as i remember his memories.
i thank you for this wonderful site , that we can get together and vent adn gothru this together.
i am fairly new to this site but its therapy for me.
thanks
Twitter: commentluv
January 1, 2011 at 9:41 am
just wanted to share this poem
Carry On
At times when you feel troubled
When you happiness is gone
Look to the heart within you
For the Strength to carry on.
In your heart you will find special virtues
Such as Faith and Hope and Love
These gifts have been sent down to you
From a Power from Above.
It is Faith that keeps the soul searching
For the joy the heart hopes for
It is love that heals the spirit
Making it Stronger than before.
And if your heart be broken
If your Strength should fade away
The power of these virtues
Will still win out the day.
So remember when your troubled
When your happiness is gone
Look to the heart within you
For the Strength to Carry On.
Twitter: commentluv
January 1, 2011 at 9:41 am
another one: so true
She Hides Her Face
by Melantha Abraham
She hides her face
when shes not alone
she wears a mask,
but its not her own
It’s everyone else
she wants to be
Be just like them
supposedly free
Free from the troubles
the troubles of life
free from sin
and worries and strife
But when night time falls
and she climbs into bed
her mask falls apart
and her heart fills with dread
She screams and she cries
but no one can here
she wants them to know
know all her fear
Her fear of facing
a world with no mask
afraid they wont like her
afraid they wont ask
So she waits for the day
with hope in her heart
when she’ll wear her own face
and make her new start
Hi Corrine and everybody,
Thank you Corrine for your kind words. It means a lot to me…that I am not off out into outer space and being lost. I worked real hard on maintaining the remembrance of the love that my Barry and I have together. It will always be there.
I had change my life around in the year of 2000, that I was only going to surround myself with spiritual people…no more of the other stuff.
It does not matter on how much a person might have in his bank account, what kind of car that he drives or what he does for a living!
I came back from a solitude retreat in June, 2004. Then, I met my Barry. Our first date was in Meditation, Reiki Healing and Singing Bowls. We went out for dinner at a diner. I told myself…I did not know about this one…then a voice told me to “Look deeper, Mary…Look deeper.” So, I look deeper…out of the corner of my eyes with my eyes almost closed. I saw the wonderful spirit that my Barry is.
So, my friends…never doubt yourself. It was an adventure and meant to be. We gave our husbands…God’s Love. Be gentle on yourself, but build yourself up again. Have Faith.
Twitter: commentluv
January 1, 2011 at 8:23 pm
well today is News years and not only a new year but a big new beginning for me as i travel down this new journey without my husband, today is two months ago i lot my husband and best friend, and is no better than it was the day he left, the tears dont stop…
but i can say that i had a very LONNNNNNNNG talk with God this morning, begged him for comfort and most of all strength, to get be thru each day and for me to be able to think of the wonderful memories that we were so blessed with whn i am feeling down, i will try my best to turn my sorrow into the strength that i always got from Julian as we have traveled down our many journeys, and that i draw that strength from him to get me thru each day
i actually had a pretty good day compared to what i have been having, must have been that long talk i keep having with God, today i got up and got dressed and coudl have stayed in mys pjs, but got up got busy and actually accomplised so much today as far as do some cleaning and got the tree down , out up , kinda like spring cleaning in the winter, i know sounds crazy, but for me i have been so lazy and my bedroom is still a mess but that can be next job but i really felt like today was a good day , i havent had a day this good since over 2 months.
tomorrow i hope i get up in and feel the same way i do today, as i do have more things to accomplish but we will take it one day at a time so we will see how things go .
i told myself that i will give more by volunteering more than ever this year and help those i can help, its all about giving back .
ps i still dont sleep in my room, i sleep on the couch , its my confort zone right now…
Sara-Your post really struck me today. I had a rough day. My husband died in September. It feels like everyone has forgotten.
I’m still in a fog, and I feel like no one remembers that I’m going through a bad time.
I sleep in the spot he died in…his side of the bed. He died in my arms. It was the most horrifying event. Sometimes I think I’ll never recover from that trauma. My beloved Dan gulping for his last breath and me saying,”it’s ok…I love you” over and over while I watched the life leave his body. Absolutely crushing.
If I ever have a talk with God, he’ll be sorry.
Today being the beginning of a new year is stressful. How does one face the first day of a new year without their husband. He’ll never write 2011 on top of his check- or his to-do list or whatever. I’ll need to file taxes and take care of all the stuff he used to do…ALONE.
What a scary place to be.
deb
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..New Year’s invitation =-.
and…I still feel this very strong feeling that I’m waiting for something. Anxiously awaiting SOMETHING. and …I have no idea what it is.
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..New Year’s invitation =-.
Dear Debbie,
With losing my husband in Oct. I know how you feel. Lost! Thanksgiving was hard and so was Christmas but bringing in a New Year without my soul mate is devastating. I am not happy with God either. Doing everything on my own is scaring me to death. I am so sorry for your loss and I am also still in a fog. Don’t know what to do, where to turn. Crying and pain has become my best friends. I hope things get better for you. Hugs to you, Theresa
I cried myself to sleep last night , cried all morning then it just turned into the usual on again off again red puffy blood shot eyes day!
Almost 7 months now.
Twitter: commentluv
January 1, 2011 at 9:54 pm
Veronica
i understand completly today was 2 months my Julian left me, i can be ok for one minute and then the next minute the tears start and i cant stop, it never fails on the way to work everyday, i start thinking and then start crying, and i cry most of the 45 minute drive to work, then at work, i just look at his picture and tears start, i am never far from the kleenex box, as i just cry and cry and then on the way home again, waking up alone, i was so used to him waking me up with a kiss , drinking coffee and watching the news before i lef t for work, and him walking me out to my car everyday, now i run out to the truck, look all around, scared to death, being alone, then hurry get in my truck, lock the doors, i use to hurry home, to be with him, yes staright home, and if i needed to go anywhere, we would always love to g together, everywhere, if one of us didnt go t the store , the clerks or employees would ask where is your wife or husband, now that is also hard when i have to explain i will be alone from now on shopping.
i cry myself to sleep all the time too , icant even imagine my pain going away anytime soon.
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!
Thank You Sara
Twitter: commentluv
January 1, 2011 at 9:59 pm
wanted to share this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjni8LYmBwg
a song called:
im not crying for you , Im crying for me.
oh so true as much as i want him back, i would not want to be so selfish as to take him away from the wonderful pain free place he is at, he is not longer in pain.
Hi All,
Thanks for posting the song, Sara. At first I cried for my husband, Don, when he died in 2008 because he loved life and didn’t want to leave it, or me. Eventually I realized that, as the song says, I was crying for me, not him, because he has finally reached the place we were created to be, and I long to be with him.
I think I’m one of the older lurkers here, as I lost my wonderful husband-of-43-years to pancreatic cancer over two and a half years ago. He now has been gone for longer than he fought that ugly disease after it was diagnosed in 2006. What sustained both of us during the fight, and has sustained me since he died, is our faith in the God of the Bible who created us to be led to Him through Christ Jesus. He left us guidance through His Word, and as I meditate and pray through that Word I gain the strength to find joy and peace in living, even though I will also have the pain of Don’s absence for as long as I am on this earth.
There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answers to whether or not to remarry, or take off our rings, or to date other men. Each of us must decide what is right for ourselves…. hopefully with lots of prayer for divine guidance. I rejoice in the Scriptures where Paul says that he believes widows will be happier if they don’t remarry, for he is speaking to widows like me: Older, and with the belief that I was created to be ‘as one’ with Don both in this life and for eternity. However, Paul does encourage widows to remarry, if they feel the need and/or desire.
As you may guess by now, I am one who still wears her rings, and plans to indefinitely. I may consider giving them up for my grandchildren, if one of them would want them for their marriage….. but I think that is the only reason I would ever stop wearing them. They are like a part of me.
I do feel an ongoing connection with Don, but not a direct connection. Instead, it is a connection through Christ Jesus and His Holy Spirit. Scripture clearly warns us not to try to have connection with those who have gone from earth in any way except through Jesus. It also warns us that not all that is spiritual and beyond this earth is of God, thus when a connection is made outside the protection of Jesus, it may be with something dangerous.
When Don was alive we joyfully planned for our future together, but now that he is gone, I live each day at a time, with a mixture of joy and sadness. I’m here to be used by God for whatever purpose He has for me. I’m thankful for all my blessings…… and this site is one of them. I’m so glad we all have a place to express our deepest thoughts and feelings. Again, and always, THANKS, CORINNE!
Jeanine
Twitter: commentluv
January 2, 2011 at 9:45 pm
i just want tell you that for some reason, i have had some kind of comfort in the past few days, i have a feeling i cant explain right now, its like i feel something a little differnt, on sat i got up talked to God for ever it seemed like and begged him to take my life in his hands and to be abel to look at julian and pull strength from him, i stayed up to see the new year come in, had a drink to it, and then sat i got up yesterday and i know know where my motivation came from but i cleaned this house up side down, looks so nice compared to what its looked like for the past months, Julian would be so proud of it looking like it should , and today i went in to my room and cleaned it , may seem like a big deal , but to me ,it was, it has been so hard just going in to that room, but ot look at that mess in there was worse, cause its never looked like that, i put up the tons of clothes an everything else that was stacked on my bed, every peice of clothing is hung up, strips the sheets and put clean ones and i can litersally see th sheets now, amazing how just a a little time took care of all that, i had a bout ahundred pair of shoes, ( not really ,but ask Julian , he would say that ) haha all over my floor , but not one now, they are all in the closet put away, still a few little things hanging around on the floor but nothing compared to what it looked like, i really made some lots of progres today, i even went into the office , cleaned it up some, ( ps still a big mess but that s my nexy project) and set up my old desktop , got the cable man coming tomorro to get it set up, for i can get back in to doing my Notary servcices and other money making ideas i have …
i feel i have accoplishd more this weeked thatn i have in months,
i feel God is working in my life …
Sara- I can just hear in your typing how good it feels to have accomplished these things! Good for you!
I’m sure Julian is so proud of you for trying to pull things together.
Deb
Twitter: commentluv
January 2, 2011 at 9:53 pm
i saw this and how true it was to our marriage-
I will be strong when you’re weak. I will make you laugh when you’re sad. I will lift you up when you fall. It’s my job, I am your wife. ~
no matter how hard things were or what we went thru, i always told Julian, this quote
” everthings gonna be ok”
we were each others strength …..
if one of us was not strong, neither one of us one us, if one of us
were strong, we both were stong, we were two hearts in one.
I’m still wondering what the hell this feeling is…this WAITING for something…it’s such a strong feeling of waiting.
Anyone else get that feeling?
Twitter: commentluv
January 2, 2011 at 10:09 pm
Debi
from my experience i think that after julian passed , and the funeral was over, it still seemed intrue, and i think i still waited on soemone to tell me it was not true, this didnt happen to me, i kept aksing myself all the what ifs i could , mayeb if i hadnot pushed him in to havigna kidney transplant , maybe if we just accept him on dialysis, mayeb, what if, and so in, but then i te lmyself, it was Gods will , no matter i did , God has the upper hand and even three months ago when the drs did nt expect him to make it thru his firt surgery, i lok back at God givng us three more months with him, although he went thru 8 more surgeries in 11 days , we still had those last three months with him and those past three months, i took off medial leave as i awas recoving from donating a kidney to him, as i sit and sleep by his side 24/7 and thank God for those 3 months, that mayeb God was preparing him a place.
i feel i was waiting on something too, jsut cant explain it either, but i feel that feeling of waiting is gone
Debie;
I too have that feeling of waiting and can not understand what I’m waiting for. I thought at first it was me being weird and waiting for him to come back home. Then maybe waiting for me to figure out what to do. I only have that feeling when I’m at home. If I’m out to work or with other people, it’s OK. Still don’t know what I’m waiting for. If you figure it out, please let me know.
Sara- My husband used to say, “everythings gonna be ok”…and now I feel like saying to him…”THIS is NOT ok!!!!”
maybe I’m going through the anger part of the grieving process….
deb
Waiting….Waiting…..Waiting for him to walk back in the door? Waiting for me to stop being so sad? Waiting for that year that everyone talks about before you start to feel better? Waiting until I sell the house? Waiting for the insurance money to run out? Waiting for my life to start again?…Waiting waiting…I have no idea what it is
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..New Year’s invitation =-.
Twitter: commentluv
January 3, 2011 at 4:12 pm
Debi
what from i think , that we want to hold on to them and never ever le them go, so i think that the waiting is normal or i hope so from what i hear from others, maybe we are jsut wating for him to walk in , to smile at us, to hold our hand, to wake up to , to talk to, i guess e coudl be waiting for ever cause im waiting too, notsure when and if the feeling ever goes away.
i too have alot of decisions to think over, so many changes in my life, imnto used to paying the house payments, he always took care of that, now that is another responsibiliy if mine, alongwith so many changes in my spending, thank God i was a singlemom with two kids when julian and i fell in love 8 years ago because i knew how to magage my money as a single mom, then when we met , again, changes, i was not use to being able to go buy what i wanted when i wanted, after we got together, so now that is another chanlenge to go back to being on a very tight budget
I am so glad i do not have car notes, and i am stable to be able to take care of my monthly bills but the new year brings more recession so we will see, i ask myself do i move and start over or live here with all the memories in the walls….as this is the house he bought for me, so yes lots of questions and no answers.
I have been off the site since a little before Christmas, didn’t think I could post anything, just dreading Christmas and then New Years. I have played catch on the everyone’s posts and being new to this site too, we are all definitely kindred spirits. We had a Christmas mass for Richard on Christmas Day, and it was hard, very hard. I just wanted Christmas to be over, if it hadn’t been for my beautiful grandbabies, I wold have chucked it all and ran, not that it would have probably been the smartest thing to do. I always think, Richard is watching me and it pulls me back to reality. New Years I went out with my husbands sister to a New Years Eve Party, my heart was not remotely there. It was the one thing my husband and I looked forward to that was completely for us. My Son and daughter in law also went and I was thanking God they were there when a son that my husband always wanted us to dance to when it was played came on and I LOST IT.
I ran to the hall crying asking why were you so stupid thinking you could do this again…my son and sister in law were wonderful, and I know they really wanted me to have a good time , it was me not them, but I am sure that I went back in looking like CRAP. I felt like it.
The year is beginning and I know I have to get it together, but that is easier said than done. I didn’t get off to a great start. Southwest had $39.00 flights to Denver…I gave that way to much thought…anyone else feel like running out on the Holidays? Please tell me I wasn’t truly crazy…or maybe I was just a little……Sorry, not quite as strong as I would like to be today…not a good start to the a new year…
Twitter: commentluv
January 3, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Brenda
i certainly understand, its been two months and thanksgiving wasthe worst as that was julians favorite holiday, we always had our large family, he had 8 sisters, we had 7 kids, 12 grandkids, so always a full house, we did thanksgving as usual at my house, it was so hard, but im glad i done it, i felt he was there with us.
christmas and new years are goen, now i face a new year and now a new journey but alone.
chrstams the three day weekend , i sat at home , we did not celebrate at all or i didnt, then new years i had a drink a midnight as we always done, and i had many famly members ask me to go east at thier house, i was thankful but felt i could not do it, i feel like a loner now, i just want to be my myself.
but nto at home, its has too many memories, i take drives sometimes and avoid going home.
yes if nto for my wonderful family and friends i would have went crazy, i sometimes feel like i just want to curl up and roll away.
my grandbabies are my sunshine and i know i have to be there for them so i can run away….
Especially seeings how I can’t spell today either…wow…..
Twitter: commentluv
January 3, 2011 at 4:23 pm
i kinda new to this site myself but i have a question,
is there a way of adding comments on our story under our name?
as i talk to so many i get confused on stories…
wonder of that is possoble
i guess this is really addressd to corinne.
thanks
Hi everybody,
Just want to tell you that I cried in my shower this morning. January is a big month…it is my birthday…Barry wanted to get married on my birthday…but it was on a working day…so we got married on the 21st of January. My Barry left this earthy plane on January 28th…one year after our Wedding Anniversary. We were together only 3 1/2 years.
It is three years this month. The waiting is part of the grieving process that we go thru. I remember that…I expected the front door to open up, wake up in the morning or in the middle of the night, everytime the phone rings…that it is Barry…that It is all a dream!
I had to stop myself from doing that kind of harm…unreality to me. My soul existence spoke up. Like I said…I took Ministry classes to learn and to grow. I cried because I realized how hard I have to work to become into the existence right now. It is still not easy, but it is a lot better than where I was three years ago.
I work on carrying the deep Love that God gave me to share with others…no matter how hard it is at times. I work hard in not hardening my heart from growing. I look and surround myself with spiritual and understanding people only. We are all in need of understand and support…not people saying “You still doing that”??? Believe me, it has been said to me.
So friends, look into your inner self…connect and believe in yourself. That is why our husbands, friends and future beings…loves us.
We do exist. We do breathe with life.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hugs to all! I just asked my darling Mike to look down on all of you and say hi to your husbands for you. This way he can meet you all.
I keep having dreams where I go places with him like on trips, eating out and shopping at neat stores. I hate waking up cuz it means he’s dead and the good times are over. Sigh…
Thank you Cheryl, that was a very thoughtful thing to do.
Peace and Blessings to all!
Oh yeah. I want to thank Corrine for making this such an easy to read forum. I had joined another widows forum or 2 but only posted on there once because there were all these threaded topics on there and way too many to read and reply to and keep up with. With this place being unthreaded it is so much easier to read and keep up with. And I feel like we are all family.
Jeanine, thank you for your post. I feel exactly as you do as a Christian and your knowledge of the Bible is right on. If the younger ones want to date or get married again, it would be good for them. How great to find love again, but I am sure it is not in the future for me. I turn 60 this year and have spent 40 years of my life married. Mary Lotus Butterfly, you and I will both share a difficult day this month. January 28th was our wedding anniversary. I am so sorry that you lost your husband on this day. I am trying to think of something to do on that day that will honor my Charlie’s memory and our life together. I have not figured out what yet, but it will come. The weddings rings? They will always be a part of us, a symbol of unending love. I also kept my husbands ring as he was cremated. I love what many wives have done with theirs. I am so proud of you Sara for getting your house in order and working on that bedroom. I think most of us tossed clothes on one side of the bed and left them there. I still do sometimes. I don’t make the bed often but then I don’t get under the covers either. Just a blanket over me. Things will get better for all of us. I wish you all a Happy New Year and pray for peace and joy to be found in your lives again.
Karen Schieffer
Karen,
Thanks for your encouraging words.
I have a 21-yr-old cat who loved my husband and has been a comfort to me since he died. She has slow kidney failure and I am facing having to make the decision to euthanize her. Everyday I pray that I find her peacefully curled up and gone to join my husband in her sleep, but so far she is still with me. That gives me mixed feelings: joy because I love having her with me, and anguish because I see the quality of her life diminishing. She still gets around well, and is able to jump up on the bed and furniture. Her appetite is good, and she purrs a lot when I hold her. However, she is so bony, and no longer grooming herself. In addition, she rarely uses her litter box. Instead, she potties outside the box, on pads I have put on the linoleum floor around the box. Do any of you have experience with aging cats? And any advice for me?
Thanks in advance.
Jeanine
I know how you feel. I lost Paul’s dog Xena who was 13 just one month after Paul died. It was hard to let her go, but she had a stroke and it was the most humane thing to do, although it was very difficult.
You will know the right time to let your kitty go. It is not an easy decision; but, you will know when his quality of life is not worth hanging on to him. Pray on it and do what is best for your cat and don’t look back. We have the option of letting them go and not suffering unnecessarily, unlike with humans.
My prayers are with you.
Karen N
Thanks for your kind words about my feline companion, Karen and Cheryl. I gave her a bath yesterday (she has been getting them since she was a kitten and tolerates them well) and she seems to be doing better today. She certainly looks better! I will continue to pray for her… and for all who write in to this site.
Jeanine
Sara, thanks, I think that we all share the same pain and our stories are not so very different. It helps to know that there are others that out there, that your not alone. This is truly a journey but not an easy one, matters of the heart never are.
Cheryl, God bless you for asking your husband to look down on all of us and say Hi to our husbands, that has got to be one of the sweetest things ever.
I prayed very hard this morning for all of us, that God will give us all peace and direction in our lives. For myself I asked for a contented heart, and guidance for this directionless wife. I had a once in a lifetime love, and I don’t know if God ever intends for me to have that again or not, it would be quite a feat to ever have what I had with Richard, but I have to place my future in God’s hands and TRY to remember that all things happen for a reason no matter how much pain is involved. If it happens it happens, if not, I have the memory of having had the best. To those ladies who have found love again, that’s wonderful and good for you! Don’t waste a moment of it, and don’t let anyone take away any happiness you have found. Your a grown up and it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t meant to, and it will either work or it will be a learning experience but it is yours to have and decide wither it is lasting or not.
I am going to work on my bucket list this morning, a list I am determined to experience as much of as I can. You ladies are all special, we have all loved deeply and with passion, if we didn’t the pain wouldn’t be this intense and we wouldn’t all be here searching for answers and support.
I promised myself I would try to do better today, so my wish for all you today is hearts a little lighter, and that you will experience something today that will make you smile and let you know your husbands are near and love you very much.
Long distance hugs from someone who can say she understands what your going through and mean it.
Brenda
Sara….have you drowned yourself in housework?? It’s been a couple of days since you or I have posted. I think the last few days have been a little harder for me than normal. I think that now that the holidays are over and I’m not in the process of trying to “get through them” and it’s just regular old days of trying to settle into a routine that does not include medicines, appointments, feedings,weighings, hospice, pain management, symptom control,scans,chemo,blood counts etc. and etc… and I’ll be somewhere and have this overwhelming feeling of having to “hurry home to take care of Dan”. There was so long that I couldnt be gone long from the house that it’s a hard feeling to overcome.
Our anniversary is on 1/17…I suppose it wont be long before I’m bracing myself for that.
I think instead of napping, I’ll try to craft some. I’m a stampin’ up demonstrator and I really should try to generate a little bit of income.
:/
debie
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..Be My Valentine scrapbook page 8” x 8” =-.
Twitter: commentluv
January 6, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Debie,
hi just been busy, i havent gotten now one email showing ny new rsponses on here, i was wondering the same thiing, where is everyone.
i hve been kinda busy, or atleast trying to stay busy, got a few things im trying to get done, today i went to the support group at the hosp , we have it every two weeks, they are awesome group, they are my support , and then i went to see the nurses, they are so special to me
i am planning on doing a baloon release on feb 16, it is my husband s 65 th birthday, i having a celebration of lfe for julian, and going to have a baloon release , called ” baloons to heaven:,i always gave him a bday party and always decorated the house fo valenines nd left it up for his bday so ill do that again…..
im participating in a 3 mile walk, in april
at group today, i told the group, i just told myself i was doingok today , then i get in to the truck ont he way to the hosp and start crying, soem days are worse than others.
i just continue to pray for strength
Have been out of the loop. Had foot surgery last week and am recouping. My son and both my grandsons are sick this week and I have been back to work since Tuesday. Difficult – supposed to be off my fee as much as possible, but with being alone and having no help, I have no choice but to take care of myself.
Can’t believe that it is 10 mos since Paul’s passing. One year since his last heart attack and we we in such a whirlwind with trying to find out what was wrong with him – running fevers of 101 every day, night sweats, etc. Time passes so quickly. Sometimes not fair. My son (28 years old) still misses his dad so much and wishes he could still talk with him. I feel bad. My son is not married, no girlfriend and is not secure in his job. Needs his dad now. I try to fill the shoes, but not the same.
I am still in Caregiver mode, when my husband was alive I cared for him day and night and my mother in law who had Alzheimers. When he passed I still cared for his mother who was in her advanced stages. She died in August. I have been caring for so long that I don,t know what to do now. I have been a stay at home mum and I don,t have any experience in the outside world and now I have to find work. Its all too much. I want to work but I feel I am not ready yet
Prayers just said for your cat and for all of you. Hang in there…
More prayers just said for the cat and everyone on here…
Karen:
Know what you mean, when I was caring for Richard at home, it was a constant checking BP’s, blood oxygen levels, sugar levels because he was diabetic and had to have insulin, and he was fed with a tube, so had to monitor that and also all his meds were pushed through a tube. His level of care was very high. After he passed, I would find myself waking up listening for the moniters to go off or thinking I heard them.
I have three children who also miss their Dad terribly. They have their moments just like I do and as the only parent left you have to be Dad and Mom. I have to work also and so there is not allot of time to try to fill those shoes. I don’t feel like I am doing a great job at it, but I pray every day for strength not just for me but for them.
I have a quote that I use on all of my outgoing emails at my job that I think is very appropriate,
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”.
Hang in there Karen {and to all the ladies on this site}, I hold tight to the belief that I will have my days, so will my children, but we are not alone. God is watching over us and so is Richard and neither will ever leave us alone.
Brenda
Twitter: commentluv
January 8, 2011 at 9:14 am
Brenda
this quote absolutly hits the spot:
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”.
I have been Julians wife and caregiver for the past 5 years, and liek i tell so many people that every since the day julian was diagnosed with liver failre, i was on automatic to make sure he gfot all the best care he could get, my life was on hold for him, not any regretsa at all, but jsut sayind as a caregiver, we put our lovedones ahead of us tomake sure they we get them the best care, I have always worked full time and like you my planner was always full o f appointments, labs etc, i ad to keep a planner to keep up with it all, or iwould forget, but now my ny 2011 planner is so empty and i cry wishing i could have a month o never eneding appointments etc, insead of a empty planner, but to to fill my planner with volunteering is the best medicine for me to give back to all those who hae given so much to us,i volunteer for the methodist hosptial that saved is lif eso many times without any resistace, also LifGift who deal with organ dontaion, and Noras Home in which julians surgeon, is opening for transplant patients. ( norashome.org)
this is my way of giving back , My gratitude is so overwheleming for mehtodist, Julian has had a wonderful life,and Methodist as been a very alrge part of it:
Julian was born at Methodist on 2/16/46
Julian rvcd a liver transplant at Methdist on 2/20/07
Julian rcvd my kidney at Methodist on 7/27/10
Julian passed away there at Methodist on 11/01/10
so you can say they are very near and dear to my heart and soul,
and i would loveto work there one day .
well its sat morning , got errands ot run, missing my julian so muh as we would always get up sat and run errands together, so this
is hard doing it alon,e and todya i must go take the truck in to get the oil changed, yes, first time i have ever done that on my own,
i dont even know where he took it, he always took care of that part, so im learning to do things on my own, but i know he will guide me down the journey i am going down …..
i
Twitter: commentluv
January 8, 2011 at 9:28 am
just a quick hello to everyone on here, i v been kinda busy lately, trying to stay busy for i cant think too much, went to support group at the hospital thurs and they are so great , it helps me so much to share my feeling, that is how i get thru it, they say we all grieve in differnt ways, i never really experenced this but now i honestly believe that by meeting so many wonderful peope who are also grieving, we go thru it in opur own special way in whcih God guides us.
it has been two months, and i feel like i have been in a fog and im not out of it yet, just going thru it has made me so much stronger, and i know i will always have that pain in my heart but i honestly thing that one day i may come out of that “fog” i am in……..
I continue everyday to ask God for guidance and strenght and the comfot to get thru each day one day at a time…..and that seems to help me a little bit each day…..
i am in no way as strong as i use to be , but one day i will be there, with the help of God, but that pain will always be there.
I hear the deeper the love , the deeper that pain……
i beleive that, our love coudl nto be any deeper that what it was.
just want to share this :
Page 4- my article on “THE GREATEST LOVE”
http://www.lifegift.org/resources/files/Winter_2010_Newsletter_FINAL.pdf
as hard as it has been , i would go thru eerythign i have been thru all over again for Julian, but i would not want him to go thru it all again, and i would be so selfish to sk for him back when he is in the Greatest place he could be “HEAVEN”. it has has to be so awesome for him, no more pain, jsut happiness, no more worring about tomorrow, he always knows everything is ok….
I loved JULIAN more than life itself, and i hve always put his care before mine, and now as i travel down this new journey , i pray that i am guided by God…
i now have to focus on my self as i have not done for so long, and that is a hard thing to do when i have focused on julian for so long, i have to learn how to focus on me now.
it s a learning process and im getting there day by day.
ok i got to go run errands
praying for you all .
Twitter: commentluv
January 9, 2011 at 9:44 am
I may not be where I want to be, but God has me where I have to be
so I can go to where I need to be…..I just dont see it right now!!
i dont know if i ever told this to this group,
back in august when my husband first had his first surgery out of 8 of them in 11 days, his surgeon, who i knew and is the director of transplant dept at the hospital, He walked in to our icu room, i was totally in tears as he told me that day , Julian may not make it thru the night, nothing else mattered to me but being by his side…..that Dr came our room , closed the door, sat down across from me, and told me , he was there on a personal note, not as Dr , and he held my hand, shed a tear with me as i could hardly see as i was full of tears, he proceded to tell me that he lost his 7 yr old daughter many years agoa and he told me that as a Dr he felt so helpless that he could not do anything to save her, they were driving on a trip on vacation when she was rushed to the hosp, she passed, and the Drs there coudl nto tell him what happened or why it happened.
he continue to tell me that he cried and asked God why so many times, and it never got easier but then after 5 years, yes 5 years, he told me he stopped asking himself and God why and it got easier on him, until then he as a Dr was going crazy , that when he stopped asking why, his life become a little easier in a way, then he told me ,the best advise i have for you is never ask “why”, it will only make things harder,
that was te best advice i could ever have gotten as hard as it was to hear that, you know from that day forward, i took his advise and i dont know if things could be any harder than what they are right now on me, but maybe it helped, not asking that, i really beleive it has helped me to understand his feelings and as a Dr to give that advice , he is such a inspiration to me, and i see him very often at the hospital abd everytime i see him, i think of what he has told me, and we always give each other a hug, my way of thanking him for the wonderful advice he has given, me.
i have great passion for that hospital and i pray one day God puts me in the place to help others.
and i have to say that no matter how hard each day is , if i even think about asking that question, i stop myself and remind myself of that Drs advice, and it gets me thru the day, one day at a time.
he is opening a home for transplant patients and families here in houston, texas and you can read about that wonderful place
at :
http://www.norashome.org
they will do grandopening this fall, and am a volunteer for them and plan on being there to open the doors.
what a wonderful experience that was.
I may not be where I want to be, but God has me where I have to be
so I can go to where I need to be…..I just dont see it right now!!
What you said was very inspirational to me. Hugs to all…
Hello all
I have been looking for a forum like this, from reading your comments it is all starting to make more sense to me, what I am feeling is NORMAL.
My husband passed away nearly a year ago from Bowel cancer, I have 3 children.
I don,t have a lot to say right now, but please know your comments on this forum are helping me every day.
Maybe I will be able to talk about it all later.
Twitter: commentluv
January 11, 2011 at 8:50 pm
Angela,
i perfectly understand i also have been in the “caregiver” mode for s long singe 2005, that my entire life focuced on my husband, Julian, and we doen everything together, i am so lost right now, i sometimes just ask mys elf what do i do know, how do i take care of myself, i have to learn how to take care of myself, i recently have to tell my self go get a haricut, go get your nails done, go buy your self a new dress,e tc. like i say my while planner consists of all his apointmens, etc i now have aempty planner ,God i wiwas jammed packed, now i have too muchtime on my hands, thank God for work, an volunteering and my granbabies to keep me busy.
6 weeks to feel it-hmmmm. After nine months of sleeping in the hospital with keith he passed a week ago Monday after a long battle with leukemia-even as he whithered away I really thought he was going to turn around and when it went from getting him better to helping him die it went so fast. I thought I was doing so great, but I also realize now that I think he is coming back. I was so relieved that it was all over I went to my shrink today and asked how to be sad and to my psychitrist and said I think you need to change my medications. What I am reading is you just have to go through all of this, there are no shortcuts
It will be one year ago, on Tuesday, When my husband passed from Bowel Cancer. His wish was that his ashes and his mums ashes be taken down Tasmania, and scattered on the water at the beach. I want to know if anyone else thinks I am being over sensetive when I say “I can,t bear the thought of losing the last part of him that I have” Tasmania is another state away from me by ship. So I can,t even get down there often.
Angela
no i dont think thats a bad decision. wait as long as you need. im no expert but writing in for when you are both gone to spread your ashes then is a good idea. my husbands ashes i told him many years ago i was keeping and thats that. ha ha ha.. he didnt ask for them to be spread because he knew i wouldnt share. but when i pass our children are suppose to mix half and half and each have one and if they choose pass them on or scatter them, if they choose we told them to find a mountain! i agree with you on keeping them though and nice to know someone else feels the same way.
Angela…I know Exactly what you mean!!!! My husband’s ashes seemed like the last tangible piece of him that I had. His handwriting on the medicine logs, his handwriting in the checkbook register…his voice on his cell phone message greeting. What I did was take a portion of his ashes to his favorite place and I kept the rest for myself. When I get into a “forever” house, I am going to dig a hole, put his ashes in, and plant a Dogwood tree on top. He loved Dogwood trees, Especially in the spring.
That’s the plan anyway…meanwhile, he is in a tupperware box in the den. :/ no Hurry.
deb
.-= Debie Phillips´s last blog ..Be My Valentine scrapbook page 8” x 8” =-.
I wonder if you could keep part of his ashes and then scatter the rest where he wanted to be. I kept the blanket Mike passed on when he passed on in our living room couch. I call it Mike blanket. It keeps him close to me knowing it was the last of him.
I had dream the other nite where Mike came back from the dead to stay with me and we got a new house. We had to go shopping to egt some furniture and things to decorate it with. We went to a neat store I had never heard of before. I picked out some furniture, knicknacks and tv’s for the living room, den and bedroom while Mike looked around. I went to find him to show him the tv’s I had found. I then woke up and he’s dead again. I hate that. Let me dream forever so he can be alive again…
Hi Angela
Do you really want to disobey your husband now? I’m kidding, the ashes may be of him, but ultimately they are yours. If you can’t bear to part with him, then keep him for now. When you pass you can have the line put into your will, that all 3 of you will be scattered in Tasmania, thus fulfilling your husbands wishes.
I too find it hard to think that I’ll need to dispose of Martin properly one day. My Mum is hanging around so that she can be laid to rest with my Dad who will be buried when his time comes.
A friend of mine suggested the following. Buy little capsuals, the kind you use to make up medication and fill them with ashes. Get some modeling resin and seal the capsuals in a block of resin. This way you get to keep a little of your loved one, and if other members of the family or friends want one, you can take orders. So when they go traveling your husband will be travelling too, and because it’s sealed there will be no problem with awkward questions from customs. Just a thought. Personally I prefer the wait till I’m dead idea before disposing of all the ashes.
Don’t worry about it just now, it’s only be 12 months and you are technically still in a grieving stage (my husbands nurse said technically it can last up to 2 years). so there is no real rush to decide to get rid of husband just yet. He’s not going to mind.
Corinne – devine intervention or realisation you were not the only one feeling the way you did? However you came about setting up this site, you have helped a number of widows both young and old, to come to terms with their loss and hopefully continue their journey amoungst friends. May your God go with you.
Ladies, old and new. I’m a widow, I have been a widow for 13 months. I was married for 13 years and 113 days, and became a widow 6 days before my 40th birthday. The last 2 years have been a haze, but not anymore. 2011 is the start of my life anew. When I think about Martin, I remember that I love him very much, I miss him very much, but it’s time for me. So take this moment to smile, to remind yourself how much you are worth and to know that although the tunnel may seem dark at the moment, you bring the light to shine your own way through it.
I love you all, I send peace, love and strength. (Kate – mail me I need to know how you are doing. Nikki – I hope you got through this tough season. Veronica – you are still grieving so don’t deciede just yet whether you will get married again).
For those just starting on this journey, stay and chat a while, for those moving on with this journey, you know where we are.
Much love
Normaxxx
i dont even know how i found this site, stubbled really. im only 30 and i lost my husband a year and a half ago to a sudden auto accident. I have 2 children under 12. My husband was truly a wonderful man. worked for his family, we were always first on his list. he lived for us. respectful and just not like most men. very old fashion… never rude like men today and just a rare find. my friends say he was what a man should be, and as i miss him severly these days well i just dont know if i am coming or going. i have always been a strong female and very independant. he went to war many years ago and thought that may be the hardest thing i would have had to go through. i have had a major support group and being a strong spirit myself i thought i can get through this. he taught me well on taking care of myself, i dont need help with yard work or fixing things in the house. I am a very active and busy person and very silly, fun, loud person just full of smiles and joy. but since he died i dont want to do the things i had passion for or even help or volunteer like i use to, i have moments of silly but i have a heart felt “dont care” now im just not the same person, crabbier i guess. I have been blessed to not have to work and be home with my children their whole lives but i volunteered with church and their school and am always on the go. at first i just kept busy all day and spent the nights with my kids. but it became physically impossible sometimes to bare being at home or to face the silence. i may be young but my husband was my soul mate and i can see being 100 years old still a widow and waiting for the day i join him. but lonliness sets in and makes it hard. i want my children to have that male figure in their lives etc. I really am here to know if what im going through now is crazy because of my choices or because its normal. My husbands best friend of 20 years and our childrens “god dad” spent a lot of time with my chidlren he made a promise years ago he would take care of his family if anything ever happen to him, of course he was meaning when he was at war of course. but he became a very important part of their lives, from reading a book to our daughter to playing video games with our son. just helping them anyway he could. stories of my husband would be talked about and laughter entered our home again. Now even though he was my husbands best friend. he was kinda mine too. i babied him as i did my own husband and always took a favor to him over our other friends. it was like batman and robin. ha ha. but after time we became attracted to each other and we were always cutting up and in stitches and really always have been cut from the same cloth but i was scared. i felt i should not have feelings for anyone but my husband and felt guilty. but the more i was lonely the more i was thinking about it. we talked it over and decided to try and to keep our friendship first for that was the most important incase it didnt work. well it has been many many months and i have fallen in love with him. i can talk about my husband with him and laugh and carry on his memory and then i can cry and sob and loose it when i need to and he understands he misses him too. he has been such a major part in our growth and moving on as my husband would demand i do. but i have been sooooooo busy that i feel now that my life has slowed down im falling apart. i have wondered if i have just ignored the emotions and stages of being a widow that i should have been going through and whether i like it or not it is going to happen. my daughter went to therapy a while because at 7 she was in an angry angry stage, she wanted god to send her daddy home and her little mind just couldnt take knowing he was forever gone and he helped her through that too. i learned a little from that but the thing is i do love him and can see my life with him, we are happy and smiling and he is so sweet, respectful and just wonderful. so kind and nice and he knows me and i know him. no secrets no worries. but i still love my husband and want him so badly. i wonder if i should be alone like i expected. or just have a boyfriend for the rest of my life. but what am i waiting for he isnt going to come back and morning for 70 years does me no good at all. but im going through mood swings, happy then mad. sad then chipper. laughing then crying all in an hour or a day. i can have a great day then a terrible evening. the smallest things set me off, i went through this the first 6 months and then they haulted and now im back through it again. sometimes i want my boyfriend around and others i want him to leave. i dont dare say this to him but some days i need him right there to hold me and others i want him to be as far away from me as possible. i find myself wanting to pack up and leave town alone and sleep in a hotel for 2 days. or just get a way. not be called mommy, or needed or wanted. i feel i am running from the morn-ing that i need to be doing, but do i? did i postpone the morn-ing or was i never really through it to start with. i am not sure if this man is what i really really want or just someone to spend my life with. someone to love me as i miss so much. i feel i am going crazy and i just want to know, am i going to ruin a great thing or do i go through this up and down rollercoaster and one day i will stop and be able to get off and start a new journey with this man? sorry to sound so “wow” but i thought women who have went through this might can tell me what to expect. thank you so much!
Twitter: commentluv
January 15, 2011 at 10:12 pm
Marie,
I think that if God led you to than wonderful friend , there must be a reason, they say things happen for a reason, although we donto want to think that way when we love the love ofour life but also i Guess God also takes care of our lonliness, im no where near even thinking about having another man i my life, but i also am happy for those who have found the joy back in their life enough to go forward in life, as we all see life has to go on, reagardless of if we want it to or not, we stil haev to get up everday and do the same thing , its just alone instead of withour loves.
I have met many many ladies here and online and thru out support group and they all are in different stages of grief, and i listen to them and i know everyone grives in differnt ways and grief lasts for differnet periods of times for us all, so i cant say what is right or wrong, and i woudl never judge anyone for going on in life, as i hope God does put that joy back in to my life one day , and i know like i said i am no where even near thinking about having anyone else in mylife, but i also do feel loney, im a very caring , loviNG person and Do hope one day that i might be abLE to share that as i honestly do not want to be lonely the rest of my life, but time will only tell.
i am very happyfor those that have found joy beyond that grief, and i beleive that it does not mean you stil ldo not grieve or hurt for your love.
i am grateful for this site.
Hi Marie
Confused or what? I was having this conversation tonight with some friends. My good friend Stephen believes he has found “the one”. Everything he described I knew that he probably had as it was the same feelings for me and Martin. I then said, I’m on to finding “the two”. The One has gone, and I love him and miss him, so now I’m going to find the 2nd One. I know that may sound daft, but it’s showing me that I can still love a dead man, someone who is no longer with me, and yet still find love again.
Everything you are feeling is normal, well as normal as it gets. You are still grieving for your husband, even after 18 months you are still in that phase. The rollarcoaster ride has turned you upside down, chucked you from left to right and I hate to say it, but it ain’t over!
The fact that you have a new friend in your life, is not only good for you, but good for your children as well, is something that your hubby would have wanted. He didn’t have the luxury of knowing he was dying, or never expected to leave you so soon. I believe he would be happy that you have found someone you can admit to loving, whilst still loving your husband.
I would say, don’t rush into things, but be open and honest with your friend. Let him know that there are days you want him to hold you tight and days where you think it would be best to leave you on your own. Explain to him the bad days, and I believe he will understand, respect your wishes. This will give you the time you need to get through the times you need to be on your own.
A break sounds like it is in order. Leave the kids with the grandparents (or family friend), and book a hotel room, take a book, sit by a pool, relax. You are young, sweetheart and you need a bit of space to be you.
If friendship, blossoms into relationship with your friend, how bad would that really be? It can be awkward stepping back to a friendship stage after you have committed to the physical, but if you are honest and open with him all the way, then friendship could be what you both decide is best.
Don’t be afraid, take each day as it comes and remember, you can still love and miss your husband, whilst finding that special relationship with another.
Much love
Normaxxx
thank you so much… knowing that this is normal and as you say and i have said many times, as normal as it can be. I do want to be normal again but i know the truth is i wont be i will be a different kind of normal. I feel all the things you have said, that he would want me to be happy and its ok to love one and still love the one i lost and you are right im not looking for the one, but i believe in my heart i have found number two and i just find that odd. To find something so wonderful and great so quickly! some women it takes years if at all to find that. im 30 and in my life i have received the gift of two wonderful men. I mean lets face it relationships today are just well not always forever. when i met my late husband i was young and you know then we step out without thinking and i was blessed by god to marry as young as we did because of love and make it! but now im doing the grown up thing and worrying over it all. We talk everyday all day sometimes. he is very understanding and time he will give me. I sometimes expect him to be like hey what about me, but its not its all support for me and it just seems too easy on that end. I have told him there will be days where i want you right here and days i want to be alone and he is very ok with that, the only issue he has is he wants to help. he cant stand knowing im alone or hurting or crying or just plain depressed alone. then i feel so terrible because here i have a person that is open hand loving me and wanting to help me and all i want is to be alone to stare at the wall or cry and sleep. but knowing this is normal makes a big difference than thinking its sucking me in and im letting it. I want to ask you something and get your outside opinion as to whether this is just corny or maybe a little more behind it. when i was 15 a year before i met my late husband i was friends with a girl in a city 20 min away and she would always beg me to come over but my mom never could(long story) we hung out with other friends but she wanted me to visit her at home, sleep over what not. and one day she asked me to meet her brother and of course that never worked out i never got to meet him a year went by i met my husband in that same city and 2 months after we started dating i was in puppy love heaven i met his best friend at the time of 5 years. and as the conversation went on i found that was my old friends BROTHER! i had a laugh with myself i never told anyone not even him or my husband of course we have had the conversation recently about it and his mouth fell open but i found it funny and ironic, this same man was his true best friend and when my husband went to war in 04 we had the sit down talk about “if he didnt come home” we planned what he wanted for his funeral and what i was to do financially what he expected for me in my future the awkward conversation of “me moving on” its so wierd because i have that to go off of. What he wanted me to do in the event he passed away and well one of the things he said was “if you find someone and you question it, take him to “my friend” and he will tell you if he is a good man or not” that friend just so happens to be the man i fell in love with. i never saw him that way he was just my buddy and one day poof. anyways strange? 15 years ago we were suppose to meet and didnt but he became a huge part of our lives and now may be my future and i feel somedays im in a life time movie show. Did God plan this whole thing, just seems he has bigger things to worry about.. ha ha.. am i making it more than what it actually is, am i looking for a cinderella love story because of my tragedy? hearing your responce and reading others stories and replies has made me feel like im not so alone out there… i cant tell you how much in 24 hours it has helped me. thank you so very much!!!!!
Hi Marie
If you belive in GOD (I’m not a believer, but respect others are), then maybe GOD has delivered you to this point in your life, to be able to know that your husband was the one. GOD would have known when your husband’s time was up and because of who you are, did make it easy for you to find the two.
The road of life is full of choices, free will gives us the right to choice what we believe is right for us. Although you found your husband, you could say fate brought you to meet your friends brother and now circumstances are right for you to be together.
Depression is hard, and there is no shame in asking for help from the medical profession, but if the two, wants to be that help, why not let him? Sometimes it is easier to allow the one you love to help you through these bad times, because he will know that when he needs your help, you will be there for him.
Marie, you are still in a tough period of your life, go with the flow and if it feels right you will know. Your husband trusted his friend to help you and I truly believe he will be happy knowing that his best friend has become more than just a friend. Afterall, who better? It is like your husband has made the choice for you.
Take care my sweet, your journey may not be new, but it is one that you are still on.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi everybody…Marie and Norma,
I worked hard on rebuilding myself…after Barry left this earthy plane…Keeping my heart open to continue giving and receiving Love.
It is three years, but more like 3 1/2 years because Barry was so sick for 6 months before his body gave out.
My friend that I met on the Internet from Canada came to see me. We have been talking and sharing for seven months. He is Scottish and his parents moved to Canada when he was six years old.
He has been here now in Florida for a whole week. We have been talking so much. I introduce him to my spiritual Family and Community group. It feels so good to share and laugh, again!!! We speak of Barry…and we caught ourselves speaking of him in the present term. I told my new friend…that Barry’s body might not be here, but his spirit is here. Spirits do not stop existing. My friend, Bill stated that Barry is laughing and smiling.
All, I know is that I get up in the morning…stand up on my own two feet and I am living. One day at a time. I did not wither up like a prune and stop living. I breathe in and out. I live my life with passion and giving thanks to God…counting my blessings.
Like I said to Bill in the beginning…”Did Barry sent you”? How did you find me? We are not in control. I am always in amazement in the wonders of Life…God wants us to live and be happy. He is in control…not us.
Just because a second chance comes along bringing Life and Love, does not mean that our lost love on this plane is gone and forgotten. It is all blend into one…Unconditonal Love. Thru this Love…comes the Peace. God does not love one more than the other. He loves all of us. He wants us to enjoy life. It is the reward for each one of us to be able to continue on to learn, give and Love. Love is what holds everything together.
Meditate quietly. Open your heart up and listen to God and your higher inner self. The answers are there.
Blessings to all.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi MLB
I love you. I don’t know you, I’ve never met you, but Iknow that I love you.
Your strength of faith, your spirit and love of life has been good for me. I read your words and I feel them, I really feel them.
I am glad you have finally spent sometime with Bill. And I may be a bit prejudice in this, but you have found the best kind of man, Scottish. I am a born and bred Scottish lass.
As to God, well you all know how I feel about that, but I have a story to tell you all.
Over Christmas, I wrote in my little furry note book (it’s pink and furry with a face of a pig on the front), this aethist is having a crisis of faith. I understand GOD (heretical to some to say this). I understand from some of the writings in the bible that GOD will not involve himself in our lives. Above anything, GOD wants us to help ourselves. There are no miracles that have been attributed to GOD, GOD leaves that to those who have been faithful throughout their earthly life, GOD leaves helping others to those who have known the earthly world. The Saints.
What I’m trying to say, is that all throughout my life, I’ve used the expressions, bless you, GOD help me, Jesus Christ. I came to realise that GOD does not exist. Philosophers throughout the ages have used a higher power as the answer to the unanswerable. Maybe what I’ve come to realise is that maybe (I know), just maybe there is a higher power. One that will not help us through our lives, but give us the guidance to help ourselves through our lives. And through others here and now, we can help each other through our lives.
So when I die and leave this earthly plain, if GOD does exist, GOD will accept me for living my life as a person who has choosen free will to live my life. And if there is no higher power then it doesn’t matter. I live my life with the motto, Be good to each other. Why make it harder for anyone else.
Confessions of a sort, this time next year who knows maybe I’ll be converted and attend church, but maybe I wont.
Take care all, MLB good luck with Bill although when it comes down to it, where do you want to live, Canada or Florida!
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi everyone, since i started posting and reading i have really felt better. Just knowing my craziness is normal…ha ha strange huh. well i wanted to post something, not so much for a responce but just for record i guess. before my husband passed away we were not “christians” as the world labels them we believed in spirituality and to be a good person. to do good by others, karma, treat people kind, carry good and happy thoughts, make right decisions and your life will be a blessing and i have to admit my life was and is. I may have lost my husband but i am more blessed and full in life than some. i was raised christian so i use the term GOD and blessed and such. but im surrounded by wonderful christians and i respect all people no matter what their feelings and beliefs are but when my husband died, i started to question this belief. i have found myself asking is there this GOD almighty. He sure works in misterious ways if there is. I have always used the term GOD but my meaning is GOD is everything, creation being this planet, that tree, my heart, these feelings we have, life it self, my children, a smile from a stranger, choices we make, more or less just everything the world is and what we are, as life itself and a feeling. i surely wont go into a long speech. but when he died i began to question life around me, even my beliefs, why? im not really sure other than death was in my living room and this is a new level of the life i live in to really seek and understand. everyone was talking about god and the plan and yada yada, so the questions were there. Where is my husband, i want to know where he is and can he see us. does he know how bad we are hurting and miss him. can i just say what i didnt get to and he would hear it. is there a way he could after his physical world is over? feeling he was lost to me was so strong. i fed him, worried if he were cold, took care of him, and he was my world and every thought and now thats gone but i was still worrying… is he happy or eternally sad. the thought he had to leave this world alone. what must have went through his mind when he was in the accident. i felt like a dog standing over the other dead dog growling at the world to step away. but all in all wondering why if there is a GOD did he allow it to happen. We are given free will they say, but i also hear your time is up and planned. then why was his time up and planned so early? Well there are plenty of people that dont deserve in my opinion to be fathers or live on this planet but they do, why him? it states in the bible about unmarrital sex so raising children not married must be wrong, so why was mine aloud to be taken away and my children no longer have a father? i worried so much about these thoughts and realized i had to stop and cut it out. I just had too many questions that lead to dead ends. so its hard living in a two sided world where so many make it, gods will and i who say accidents happen. when my friend came into my life i was thrown back, i again started to ask the question is there something out there doing this, handling this? is there the GOD so many refer to and i do wonder that, see my husband always gave me the answers to these types of questions and well now i walk alone on that journey. but i have done serious soul searching in the past 2 days and i think i did it! i have always been the leader in my life and when i wanted something i worked hard and got it, determined to. and i wanted happiness and laughter and someone to grow old with but also keep my husband so close and i believe i made this happen for me. im not asking myself anymore about GOD and the meaning and plan,but asking myself, what is your plan and meaning, what are you going to do live happy, beat this and keep going just like he would tell you. but now i have a bigger hill to climb and i will tackle it and fly my flag at the top and i will do that too. * i by no means mean disrespect to anyone who is chritian at all, i respect kindness and love anyway it is given. We each hold our destiny and i love reading and hearing about your lives and how each one are doing, when i have those same days i feel relieved im not alone and doing ok. thank you for letting me speak out and thank you for helping me so much….
Marie
Hi Marie
You go girl! Stick around, when you need us we are here for you and like everyone, you will also help us.
I’ve said it many times, but smile everyday it will help.
Much love
Normaxxx
Twitter: miraclady
January 16, 2011 at 1:34 pm
Dear Ones -
So proud of all of you. I read every word you write. So much bravery and healing going on.
When you comment, you are going to see a small change.
It is a box you have to check that says -
“I am not a spammer.”
Just check it.
We have not had a problem with this site but many of my friends have. Spammers send out false messages that can literally, if there enough of them, can take a blog down.
Robots send them out. But they have not figured out a way to check that box. So their false comments can’t register. Hooray!
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Much love to all of you -
Corinne
Twitter: commentluv
January 16, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Hello everyone,
i am grateful to haev found this site, it helps me to hear what others have to say on how they have dealt wth greif, i know we all go thru it differently and we all deal with it at our own time and pace.
it as been ony 2 1/2 months, its so hard, i can just hear a song and buts out with tears, i sit at my desk at work and loot at Julians picture and start, or thing about things we done and how happy we were and it starts, so it little things that gets that spark started.
to me i wi ll always have those wonderful memories in myheart but to honor Julians life, will volunteer and tell our story , how God led us together 8 years ago thru a friend and Julian would always tell me , the stars were in line that night we met, and from that day on, ive have always told Julian he had me from hello, we became friends , lover and best of friends, with Gods help and i was married before Julian for 15 years but never had that wonderful kind relationship i had wth Julian, it was a adream come true for me,and i just dont know if that kind of love will ever find itself in to my heart, but if God does one day decide to put that kindof love in my heart, I will cherish it forever but right now itslike i m afraid of what the future has for me in a way,may sound crazy, i jus dont know anymore, my life is not the same anymore, its seems like nothing matters to me without JUlian in my life. i know from hear from so many i hear it get a litle easier in time but the pain stays there forever.
but i again look back at the wonderful 8 years that we had together and i Thank God for each and every day we had together, and that althoug i am going thru touggh times right now, God wil l guide me thru it.
i heard joel osteen this morning on a subject that hit home, how God has good things in store for each of us, although its does not seem like it. i honesltly believe God will do good things in my life to be able to get me where i need to be.
i am advocate on organdonation and i volunteer to promote it at the local hospital, and that helps me , and i share our story with everyoen to tell them although i am hurting right now, God has been so great to me , and i trust him to take me where he wants me to go for i can be there for others.
i do not feel there is a right or wrong way to grieve or to go on in life, and i will never judge anyone on what decisions they make, i wish the best for you all and i also know that if you dont take chances in life, yoiu will never know, that is what i done when i me Julian , i took that chance on him as he done me aswe neither knew each other and if we had nto taken that chance we woudl never had the wonderful years together.
goosd luck to each of you on your journey .
God Bless
Hi Marie and Norma and to all of my friends,
I am not religious, but I am very spiritual. I believe that we should not live in a box and be restricted in our beliefs and thinking. I believe in the Universal Belief system. John Lennon stated that we are all one, not borders, boundries, etc. We should all respect each other and thru respect comes Love and Peace.
Norma, my daughter’s grandmother was part Scottish and Dutch. I loved and respected her so dearly. My Barry was Swedish. Do not ask me why I am so drawn to that area and culture. I always loved the Viking’s stories and King Arthur. I must be a dreamer.
Like I told Bill, there is always Hope. That is what we live on. We cannot just close down. Faith into the unknown. Marie, God is everything…He gave us free will and gifts for the grabbing.
Norma, Bill and I are taking it slowly. We just met in person, dispite that we have been talking for seven months. He is a gentlemen and being respectful. We found out that there are boundries and regulations. He cannot come to the USA to get a job…taking a job from a USA citizen, besides he would loose his Canadian health benefits. I cannot go to Canada to get a job, also. Besides, it is -30 degrees up in Alberta, now. No Way!!! Bill wants to get away from the cold. He is thinking about buying an RV and living in it.
One day at a time. Maybe it is six months here and six months there. I am empowering myself with classes. I am a Reverend, a Reiki Master and I do Merkaba Meditation. Hopefully, I can teach. Then, I will not have to worry about working for someone, but myself.
Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
It will be two years on the 29th since my husband and love of my life was killed in a plane crash. I begged him not to go. But, he said he would be fine because he was going up with two pilots. I can still remember that night as if it stops time itself. The first phone call, the going on with what I was doing because I thought the man was just trying to get me worried for some odd reason. I can find myself right back at that moment. The moment it was really true. My kids were 5 and 2 at the time. I do not know how I have made it the last two years. I do not know how to do all this by myself. They say that kids are resilient. The thing is that they just don’t know better. They are still affected every day, but it is only me that knows better. They are and will be affected by this every day and their personalities will be formed with this loss in them. My seven year old tells me that he checks if I am breathing when I sleep sometimes and that he is worried that I will die and he is trying to “take care” of me (the pressures given by well-meaning adults). My daughter plays pretend in the bathtub talking to her Daddy. The grief can still be paralyzing some days…like today. Anyways, I just had to get that out. Friends do not understand. Only us.
I guess it didn’t help that I watched the news reel on it again tonight. Not the smartest thing I could have done today.
God does exist.
I know he is watching out for my darling Mike my beloved Doodles (My pet name for him). That is so cool that someone else met their hubby thru a friend. Mike was a blind date a friend set me up on. I thought I didn’t love him but I keep on dating him long enough until I did. I tell my friend she should’ve gotten me a husband with a longer lasting warranty. I miss him so much. 58 yrs old is to young to die. He would’ve been 60 this yr and I’ll never live to see it…
Oops I mean he never lived for me to see it. Altho I do feel like I’m dead. The preacher in church Sun said that the Widow of a man in our church who died just after Mike did (She goes to another church) was really having it rough and having a hard time dealing with losing him. I told the preacher to tell her I understand cuz I am going thru the same thing. I visited Mike Sun. The grave looks so barren with dirt on it. Saddens me…
Hello to everyone,
I am glad some have found love again, and wish happiness forever. To those new ladies, please hang on here. You can draw a lot of strength from these amazing ladies.
Love, Hugs and Blessings!
Zulaifa
Hi Ladies Good Morning
I see so many new people on the site and welcome you all! It has been well over a year now for me being on the site, and we all have been leaning on one another for support. I just Love all of you ladies and admire your strength. Thank You for your Love and Support
I dedicated this site to Steven some time ago and receive several emails. I also direct the women to this site for suport.
http://grievingsuddenloss.weebly.com/
Denise
Hi Sara
I still cry when I hear certain songs. If you feel weepy at work, go for a walk away from your desk (if you can), your colleagues will understand. You are just starting on this journey and everything is still raw. Be strong for yourself and come back and speak to us, we will help you through.
Joanna – Time heals, not because it gets any easier, but because we get better at coping with it. That doesn’t mean we won’t have bad days and yes you are right, maybe watching the news of your husbands accident wasn’t a good idea, but it is hard to let go and I understand why you did it. I have a video clip of Martin making an advert for selling his motorbike. He doesn’t appear in it, but he talks through it. I charge up his mobile phone and play it every so often, just to hear his voice and it makes me smile and sad. The reaction of your children is perfectly understandable. I don’t have any experience of children in grief, but I am a child in grief. I stay with my Dad and if he has a long lie in the morning I’m tempting to go and check that he is still breathing. My Mum died 4 weeks before my husband did and the thought of losing my Dad would send me crazy if I let it. But that doesn’t stop these thoughts popping into my head from time to time. Smile my sweetheart, smile for yourself, smile for your children and smile for the memory of your dear husband. It will help. I have to admit when I feel low and remind myself to smile. It is amazing the effect it has. Try it and let me know
Much love
Normaxxx
Today would be our 9th anniversary. I sat in our closet surrounded by his suits and other clothes. I enjoyed the smell of his wool suits- It’s odd because he really didnt have a scent. He liked only unscented soaps and other toiletries-and in the end he smelled like the disease that was killing him. (not a good smell) I thought that today of all days would be the day that he would feel Present to me, the day that I would feel him around me..but no. This was our special day-and yet, I’m still abandoned. This SUCKS. He died in September, we’ve had all the winter holidays, both of our birthdays and now our anniversary. So I’ve survived all of the biggies…and yet…I’m still floating out here, alone. There are times that I think it would be so much easier if I could be with someone…just not be alone. To FIX this major problem in my life–but inside, I know very well that I’m not ready and I could never offer anything to a relationship in this place I’m in. He told me that he wanted me to love again..that he knew I’d never be truly happy if I wasnt loving someone. That I was too young (41) to become “the cat lady-widow at the end of the street, that has 100 cats and talks to herself”..LOL He also added with a chuckle to make sure I at least mourned him a LITTLE while…he wanted to make sure he was missed. He has no idea how completely devastated I am.
Twitter: commentluv
January 17, 2011 at 7:52 pm
Debi
i perfectly understand what you are saying.
mu husband passed in nov,and sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seem slike so long ago, i cant even think straight
, i go to our room, open his closet and lokoe din and close it back, i think tomyself that i want to hang on to his things forever, maybe it will help me i dont know, but yet i know i could also help other who need clothing, etc but i am no where near that and dont know if ill ever be there, but anyway, iperfeclty understand.
i go to get a tool out of his tool box, i stop and smile, he has taught me so many tricks , he was a carpenter for over 48 years s if i hd picture crooked , it my not havebothered me but it did him. , all the honey dos i had or him, had to be measure to a carpenters point.
i also had to go thru the holidays, thanksgiving, ( his fav) , then christmas, new year , now his bd nect month, i just look at his puicture and cry or a song, I am not how long some people grieve but the pain will never go away.
iagree, so many people want to help or to say the right things, but they do not know what to say , unless they have been there, they doen know the pain
Hello friends, I haven’t posted for awhile but the read all the posts.
Sara, it has been 13 months for me and what you wrote still hits home. I don’t know how long the grieving process takes, but I have good days and bad days. I still have all his clothes in the closet and jackets hanging by the door. I hear songs and they bring back a flood of memories. I did find that the “couple” holidays are worse than the family ones. New Years Eve, Valentines Day, and our anniversary were the hardest for me. Bringing my 10 year old son to hockey and seeing all the dads waiting for their sons to emerge from the locker room always brings tears to my eyes. I am just lost without my best friend.
Love to all, Lori
Twitter: commentluv
January 18, 2011 at 8:07 pm
Lori,
valentines day was my favorite hoiday , i loved decorating the house all up for that special day and then on the 16th was Julians
birthday, so i always keep the decoations up all week or so, he loved it, and he knew i loved doing it, then i always gave him a birthday party,
this year, oh how i wish i was planning abday party instead of a celebration of life event on that day, i am doing a baloon release on his bday and having family and frends as usual to release the balloons into the air to heaven…..
i just played this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UWx-shGM0g
im itig here crying as i listen to this song, oh i miss him so much.
my life is so totally different now.
Hi Lori
I always remember you because our stories were the same, I will always remember the comfort you gave. You are who I had connected with deeply. I will say an extra little prayer for you today….just wanted to let you know I think of you often! Great to hear from you.
Denise:-)
Hi Denise,
I think about you all the time. I checked out your blog and think it is a wonderful site. I would love you to add more! Hope you and your daughter are doing ok. Does it seem easier at times? How are you parenting your child? It is going ok for me with all of that, but I feel incredibly sad for my kids when I see other dads with their children.
Love to you, Lori
Haven’t been on for a few days. My mother in law just passed on the 10th of january, and going to her funeral placed me back in that painful place and brought back to many memories. I couldn’t not go, she was always so good to me. My sister in law Gloria and my bother in law Bobby continue to be there for me so I wanted to be there for them, but just being in a funeral sistuaion I broke down a few times.
I have one other sister in law and one other borther in law who felt like after 30 plus years with my husband Richard, that when he passed away, I was no longer a member of the family. Bear in mind these are the same two who never came to visit or help with him when he was ill and he was their brother. The other two Gloria and Bobby feel exactly the opposite and say that I will always be a member of the family until I take my own last breath.
It is hard enough to lose your husband of so many years, but to know that a sister and bother of his feel this way about you adds to the pain and has split the family.
I try to think posistive, but it makes everyday that much harder, I guess I can’t concieve this kind of cruelty. These are the same two who have already begun to try to take over and designate to the surving siblings what they can or cannot have. Death brings out the ugly and greed in people and also shows how selfish, cruel and self centered someone really is. Did anyone else have to deal with anything like this? My husbands family is so split now and I know thats not the way he would want it or his mom, god rest her soul. It makes a sad situation just that much sadder.
God, i miss my husband. Please help ladies, I could use some positive reinforcement. I would hate to lose my husbands family altogether, but sometimes I think I will lose my mind as the cruelty that I see. I just want to cry.
Twitter: commentluv
January 18, 2011 at 9:13 pm
Hello Ladies,
I am so glad to have this site, you all are great support .
I have some days that are worse than other, and some days i cant stop crying, i will at work and i have a picture of Julian on my desk, and i look at it all the time, and most time, i just smile at that wonderful i
love so much, and then some times i just start crying, wishing could give up everthing to have him back, but i know that can t happen ,
and then sometimes, i start thinking of what if , what if, what if,
i would got thru everything i hve been thru all over again to have him back but yet i think again , and i tell myself , i would be so selfish to
ask for Julian back when i know he is no longer having to wake up to ask what do i have to go thru today to be out of pain, i would not want him to ever go thru that pain again, and he is in heaven as a angel , so happy , so glorious, and i know he is dancing with the stars in heaven.,
i als know that God is in contol,
I dont know where i will be tommorow, the next day or next week, or next month, but i know that I will continue to pray to God for strength to get me thru this new journey , by taking it one day at a time, with his helpi will be ok, it s gonna take time but it will get easier, not that the pain will ever go away.
bedtime is so hard for me, as i go to bed alone, instead of laying in the arms r my love, holding hands as we always done everynight, as we fell asleep, i felt so secure and safe and now i feel like i a scared of what life throws my way, i have always had Julian to help me get thru things everydayas i take new challenge alone, i try to make the best decision, ican thinking of what he woudl do , we always discussed things together and made decisions together and he was my best friend and i could tell him anything in the world, he never judged me, always supported mein what ever i wanted to do, he was my everything !!!!
my way of honoring his life, is to volunteer to share our story.
i am going to the methodist hospital tomorrow to volunteer
for the blood drive and look forward to sharing our story.
God is awesome , and he has doen so many awesome things in our lives, that i still Thank him every day for it all and all the wonderful days i had with Julian, and it may sound crazt, not sure if any of you all have had this experience, but i have gotten mad atGod, for taking my Julian away, then i think how this is part of life, as much as i do not like it, but also have to realize how God is awesome in te good times, he is also awesome in the bad time, he still hears me, he may not answer me , btu i honestly think God has soem awsesome plans for me this year,
i have been really wanting something so very much and i hope that if God has this in his plan, i am just waiting for it to happen,if not ill waiti on what he has in store for me
prayers go to you all
Sara,
You are so right…. God is awesome….. beyond what we can understand. He has given us His Word in the Bible, and we can see glimmers of what He has planned for us through prayer and studying His Word.
My love for my husband, Don, grew exponentially over our 45 years together. He was my life. During the 2 1/2 years he struggled with pancreatic cancer I focused on getting him healed and fought the thought that he could possibly die. After his death I asked God to either allow me to go with Don, or take control of my life so I wouldn’t go insane and be a burden on my children. Through frequent prayer and Bible study every day, He has given me the strength to live each day as it comes. It hasn’t been easy, but I am so thankful for what I have.
I pray for you, and for all of us, that we are blessed with the Peace that surpasses all understanding.
Jeanine
Thought I’d share this with you.
A Message From Heaven
Perhaps you aren’t ready yet
To have to say good-bye..
Perhaps you’ve thought of things
You wish you’d said—well, so have I
For one thing, I’d have told you
Not to worry about me…
I’m with the Lord in Heaven now—
You knew that’s where I’d be.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad,
for I’m so happy now….
I’ve asked the lord to ease the hurt
And comfort you somehow.
It’s hard at the beginning,
But I know you’ll make it through.
I hope it helps to know
That I’ll be waiting here for you.
What is wrong with people today? Just found out that my son (who just got divorced in Septemter) who has custody of his 2-1/2 and just turned 4 yrs old today sons had a girl spend the night!!! On his son’s b’day!! My grandson is having issues – talking baby talk and being regressive and he doesn’t feel that he needs counseling – but, he can bring a woman he just starting speaking to in the last two weeks to his home to let the boys see and spend the night!
He doesn’t speak to me hardly at all except when he needs me to babysit or needs a meal. I am very disappointed in him for his actions and the disregard for his boys. To top it off, my 79 yr old mother sees nothing wrong with this. She babies my son to death. Helps out with the laundry, cleaning and taking care of the boys. I feel my son is using her.
I have had to go on in these past 10 months after Paul died as if nothing has happened because he is needier than I. He says to me that I am not the same person since Paul died – no DUH! I am not happy all the time and am moody. When I am not there for him, he gets upset. He is a very selfish person and I am so displeased with him. I feel as if my whole family fell apart since the death of Paul.
Just venting – crappy day. Sorry.
Site has been quiet – is everyone okay?
I think the full moon has affected everyone. A close friend who lost her husband three mos before me was having a down day yesterday.
Hang in there. I am trying.
Twitter: commentluv
January 23, 2011 at 5:19 pm
hello everyone
i was thinking the same thing, its been toquiet,
i myself have been busy volunteerng,
went to the hopsital today and visited allthe patients
on the transplant floor, and t felt so good to give back,
also attending the memorial ceremony for ourloved ones,
we all got to lite a candle for or loved one.
i miss Julian so much, i try to stay busy but cant help it when i lay my body at night and just think of Julian and just cry myself to sleep.
its so tough every day trying to live this new journey i am living.
i pray for strength for us all
hope everyone hasa great week
I am 42 and my love of my life committed suicide on January 7. He shot hiself infront of me. We had a argument….. we had had them before, but this very day,,,something happened. I tried but could not save him………..please pray for me.please pray for me
Oh, god how terrible for you! What you must be going through. I found my husband cold after sleeping in his recliner 4:20 am 3 weeks ago. What is wrong with these men to do something like that? don’t they know it is so final. I feel so sorry for you. I thought losing my husband was & is so bad,but to do something like that in front of you. I hope your getting somekind of help to do deal with it. I’m going to grief share at a local church,but it doesn’t start til march, meanwhile I am going to a pyschologist.
Ive missed all the comments too…wondered how everyone has been getting a long.
As for me, I haven’t wanted to be comforted at all. I’m in this weird place that I’m feeling like I am JUSTIFIED to be broken hearted and I dont want anyone giving me some polly-anna “rainbows/heaven/no more suffering/he’s in a better place” baloney.
Sounds bitter…but it’s just the new place that I’ve landed for the moment.
right, every one says he’s in a better place & at least he’s not suffering, & at least he died peacefuly. does that make it any better, I cry all the time, come back to me.
Hi Debie,
I am in the same place you are at right now. Nothing and no one can make me feel better about my loss. My heart is broken and that is it.
Theresa
Theresa…how long has it been for you since your husband died? It feels like everyone is always trying to make me feel better OR completely ignoring me. Like it’s easier not to talk to me than see me having to live a life that they fear for themselves….it’s soo friggin’ weird this place that I’m in. My husband died 4 months ago and even as I type that, it seems so recent, yet at the same time it seems like I havent held his hand in FOREVER. The last words he said to me were so long ago–occasionally I call his cell phone to hear him say…”sorry I’ve missed your call” ..and I miss him so intensely.
I kept his voice on his cell phone & the house phone too. So at least when anyone calls they hear his voice. It seemed when I held his hand in the casket he still had a good grip, like he didn’t want to let me go. was that my imagination? The stupid funeral director was standing there watchinig & waiting for me to say goodbye just so he could get a move on. I wanted 5 minutes alone, right, I couldn’t even have that. I probably would of tried to pull him out of the casket, holding him to me. I couldn’t even kiss him in private. christ!!!!!!
Twitter: commentluv
January 23, 2011 at 6:07 pm
i too do not want to hear from other people who havenot been in our shoes, “that lif ges on”, “you look great ” and “hes in better place,
we do notwant to hear that and like i tell everyone i may look on the outside but inside i am torn up !!!
i myself shy myself away from thosekind ofpeople, i know they really just dont know what to say, but better nothingthantose words.
i recently wrote my feelings and shared with many
this is kind long but so true
My Unknown Journey………started November 1st. 2010
I wish my husband hadn’t left me….. I wish I had him back
Please don’t be afraid to speak my husband’s name
My husband lived and was very important to me.
I appreciate hearing that he was important to you as well
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my husband, My husband ‘s death is the cause of my tears
You have talked about my husband, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for that
Please don’t feel you need to remove his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
They are a reminder that he lived and loved. They don’t make me sad. The fact that he’s gone makes me sad.
I love to see pictures of him and things he was a part of
As a bereaved wife ,I am not contagious, so please don’t shy away from me.
I need you more than ever. But sometimes I’m not going to be very fun to be around or I’m not going to accept your invitation.
Please don’t give up on me and accept me for being able to do what I can cope with at the time
Just because I’ve said no to the past invitations doesn’t mean I’m going to say no to the next one. I appreciate you patience with me
I might be sad and I might cry, but I appreciate it if you let me talk about my husband, my favorite topic of the day
Please don’t expect my grief to be over in this first yea or so… These first few months have traumatic for me
But I need you to understand that my grief will never be over
I will always miss my husband, and I will always grieve that he is gone
Please don’t expect me “not to think about it” or to “be happy”.
I always think about him and happiness is something that I can’t just make happen
So On days when I seem happy or seem not to be thinking about it, know that I’m still thinking about him every second of every day and wishing he was here
I don’t want to have a “pity party,” but I hope you will let me grieve in the way I need to. I must hurt before I can heal
i’m working really hard on honoring and feeling my grief, so I heal as well as possible. And know that as I’m healing, large scars are being formed on my heart
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable
When I say, “I’m doing okay,” I hope you understand that I don’t always feel okay
I just say that to cover that pain and that I struggle daily with this new reality
I have many new areas in my life that I’m now solely responsible for, plus grieving the loss of my love, and some days, many days, that is overwhelming.
I want you to know that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected.
So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky
I’m not only taking my life one day at a time, but one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Please be patient with me
Grief changes people. When my husband left me , a big part of me died with him.
I am not the same person I was before my husband died, and I will never be that person again
Please don’t look for her. She’s not coming back.!!!
I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief
my silence and my tears, my void and my pain
I don’t know what my new journey will be so that’s why im calling this my unknown journey
but I will take it one day at a time
I will wait on God to put me he wants me to be to do what he wants me to do
Sara, I just cried when I read your post. It hits home for me. I have experienced what you are talking about. You nailed it my friend.
Love and peace,
Lori
Twitter: commentluv
January 24, 2011 at 6:41 pm
Hello Ladies.
just my thoughts today….
It will be three months on the 1st , I lost Julian.
And yes I can relate to its sometimes seems like
It was yesterday but yet it seems so long ago that
I have just held his hand, kissed him , hugged him or talked
To him
I have been used to saying “ours” for so long,
That sometimes I have to stop myself and say I,
Everything we went thru was us going thru it, not
Just Julian or just me, but “us”.
That is something I have to get use to saying .
I also find myself buying things that he always
Purchased, at walmart when I go by the automotive
Dept , I go to the isle where they sell the blue shop towels,
And pick up a roll and throw in my basket, and smile,
He always had to buy those things, no matter how
Many we had, then I throw in groceries he liked,
Its like the stores does tricks on my mind.
I still to this day do not sleep in our bed, not sure why,
I have been sleeping on the couch, ( im gonna wear it out)
I have tried to sleep in our bed right after I lost Julian,
But could not sleep, think im gonna try it again as I
Do not sleep good on the couch .
I open up his closet , look in and tell myself I know there
Are many people out there that can use them clothes,
And then shake my head no, I am not ready for that yet.
I did not use to drink coffee, Julian did , two cups ,
Every morning as we sit and watched the news and
Talked before I left for work, NOW I get up drink
Two cups every morning, I call it having coffee
With Julian mornings.
i need to to the social security office to file for death
Benefits, but just havent done, it yet, the idea of this
Is what hurts the most.
Mail comes everyday in his name, can I forward to
Good things to heaven , im sure he will love to see
Some of the things he gets.
My 8 year old grandson told me this yesterday:
Grandma, why don’t you write a book on love,
Since you and papa had so much love.
Awwwwwwww. He made my day.
What a great thought., may do that one day.
Well I hear from so many people.,here and others,
And everyone is going thru different times of
Grief and everyone goes thru grief differently,
I just pray that God gives us all the strength to
Get thru out grief.
I am learning that God is guiding me thru this,
As he always has but in a different way.
Have a great day everyone
Hi Sara I just found this site and have been reading a lot of these letters. They all have brought tears to my eyes. But yours hit close to home. My loving husband Will passed suddenly oct. 28th 2010. We would be celebrating 30 years this April. Which I plan to still do. He is my everything and always will be. He would always say ” mom gets everything” and I would say ” yep! Because you are my everything!” we have four children all married. I’m so happy my husband was able to walk our two daughters down the isle. And was even our youngest sons best man. I miss him so much, and cry every day.. He was also in the delivery room when our oldest daughter had her two girls. It was cute when the nurse handed baby Madison to Will thinking he was daddy. But our son in law laughed. We have five grandkids. I work three days a week and watch the two youngest grand kids. But like you the nights are lonely. I do sleep in our bed, but I now sleep on his side with his pillow. Sleep in his shirts too. It’s 109 days now, seems like forever. The only thing that I cleaned out was his end table by the bed. So I can get to the computer and my books. Everything else is just like he left it. Don’t have the heart to change it. And it makes me feel I’m not alone. You mentioned social security, I can’t even collect till I’m 60! Which is so unfair. Because I’m 50. Have you noticed how many people ( friends) that don’t come around or call? I think they don’t know what to do or say. I come from a large family and I’m second to the youngest of 8. And I’m the first to ever experience this kind if loss. Even my parents are happily married over 62 years. That was suppose to be us! I spoke with a medium on thanksgiving morning who said things to me and our kids no one could of known. She is fantastic. She still doesn’t know how he passed. But was right on with what she said my husband was telling her. I know he is happy, and thank God I was with him when he passed. Did CPR and called 911. But he passed with me. Keep talking to your husband he hears you. Wish we could meet and give comfort to each other. I’m so thankful for all my husband did for me, and what I did for him. All out of love. We raised a loving family. My oldest daughter is taking me out on valentines day so I’m not alone. She will be with her hubby that night. All of our children are so caring I’m truly blessed. Write any time. Would love to communicate with others who feel the same. Take care!
I’ve heard alot of widows are afraid to sleep int he bed and sleep on the couch. Mikes late aunt said she was like that. Since I live with my folks now I can sleep in the bed. I CANNOT however sleep on his side of the bed. Probably cuz that was the bed we slept in whenever we stayed with my folks at Christmas even tho we were only 20 mins away from them.
Your comment about Julian and the coffee made me smile.
I had another nightmare about Mike the other nite. I dreamed he got to come back home from heaven to be with me. We had so much fun going places and doing things together. Then heaven decided they wanted to take him back when we were in the midst of having fun. I started aruging with heaven that they couldn’t take him away from me again because we were having too much fun together. I had a panic attack over him yesterday. It hit me that he was gone and all of a sudden I had panic attack symptoms. I WANT HIM BACK NOW! Sigh…
Hugs to you all…
Loved your poem. I copied it into an e-mail and forwarded it to my mom so she will know what I act the way I do. Well put…
A typo. Should be why I act and not what I act. I need to finish my coffee…
Debie,
It has been a little over 3 months that I lost my husband Ron. Sometimes I feel so alone and on my own. At first people called or came around but guess that got old for them. Now everyone is busy with their lives and I feel fogotten and left to hurt alone. I understand their lives are busy and I try not to take it to much to heart but there are days I just feel so sad and scared. My partner is gone. My best friend is gone. The person that was always there for me is gone. My husband was all those things to me. And he is gone. Sorry but I am so mad at life and God right now.
Theresa
Theresa
Hi everyone. Thank you for the posts. It always helps to know we are all struggling through, but not doing it alone. Friday is ‘our’ wedding anniversary and Saturday it will be four months since ‘he’ left us here who still love and miss him. I think I cried more tears yesterday than I have since my Charlie left. I had a doctors appointment. My last one was October of 2007. I quit taking care of me and put myself last while we did so many doctors appointments for his cancer, blood clots and pain management. Now I am having a hard time with swallowing sometimes. Food gets stuck in my throat. Sometimes I start to cough for no reason and have a hard time stopping. Feels like something like a peanut or some dry oatmeal is stuck there. Anyway, I am being set up for testing next week. When I got to the doctors office, everything felt wrong. I should be getting out the walker for my hubby. Nope. When I signed in on the register, why was I putting my name there instead of his? I sat down to wait and looked around at 7 or 8 people who were also waiting and the tears just started to fall, one after another. I tried to hide it. Finally looking for tissues, I asked if anyone saw a box of tissues. Nope. Found an empty box and took it to the window and they gave me a new one to put out. Wiped my eyes and blew my nose hoping it was over. I hate to cry in front of people and I don’t want to explain. I got up and went outside into the cold hoping that maybe I could get this under control. Not a chance. I dialed my best friend and neighbor. She didn’t recognize my voice and kept saying who is this? Finally she realized it was me. She asked if she should come up to the doctors office. No, I will be fine. She prayed for me over the phone. She lost her only daughter 2 years ago on Saturday. Her pain is still raw also. I got called in, so at least I was in a room where I wasn’t being watched. The nurse was so sweet as she knew my husband and said how sweet he was. My blood pressure was 204/124. It came down some and he gave me meds for it but I don’t like to take pills. My husband was on 400 mg of Oxycotin every 8 hours for a couple of years, plus Dilaudid and another half dozen pills for various other ailments. We lived by the alarm clock for meds. I hated it, but we had no other options. Going to the pharmacy was hard too. Of course they know me by name. Cried most of the evening and ended up with a horrible headache and swollen eyes. I am up earlier today. The sun is shining on the snow outside. I know God is with me. I went to church on Sunday and listened to Don Piper. He wrote the book 90 Minutes in Heaven. He was in a head on car accident and was pronounced dead by four separate paramedics at 11:45 AM. A pastor in a car behind the wreckage got out and heard God say, “Go pray for the dead man.” He did as he was told. While in the car holding the hand of the man, he started to sing out loud, “What a Friend we have in Jesus.” The dead man started to sing it with him. It scared him and he jumped out of the car and ran after the ambulance that was getting ready to leave. It was 1:15 PM, 90 minutes after he was pronounced dead. There were four cars hit by the semi. He was the only death. He survived after 13 months in the hospital and 34 major surgeries, everything but his right arm was broken after all, the semi ran over the top of his red Ford Escort, the drivers side. He said he was ‘immediately’ at the gates of Heaven, no tunnels of light. His Grandfather was there and his Grandmother. Other family members who had already passed and even some of his High School friends and old neighbors. He said the sights, sounds and smell were so awesome. Anyone who got there would never want to come back. God did call him back here so he could let others know that Heaven is Real. He said he was in so much pain that he shook his fist at God and said Why me? He said God responded with, “This is not about you, its about me and bringing me glory.” One thing he said that I loved. Everyone in heaven looked so good. No pain, no scars, everyone was healthy. (The only one with scars in heaven was Jesus and he got those because of us.) Don’s Grandfather was a carpenter and on earth had lost some fingers. They were back. His Grandmother had dentures that she hated to wear and after church would take them out and put them in a glass. She had her own beautiful teeth in heaven. He said that God doesn’t mind if you want to shake your fist at him and yell. At least you are talking to him. When he started to share his story on Sunday morning he said, “Some of you have lost loved ones and don’t understand how God could take them from you.” He said he gave you that person for a while, ‘as a gift’. You never owned them, he does. They were never yours. They are his. He blessed you. For the gift of almost 30 years of my life with the man I loved and who loved me unconditionally, I say thank you Lord. Help me through this pain and sorrow I feel because if the love wasn’t so pure and so deep, the hurt wouldn’t be so deep either. For this, I am truly grateful. Until I see my guy again, I will praise the God who brought him to me in the first place. I am so sorry this turned into a book. I loved you all and pray for you.
Karen Schieffer
Karen,
Thanks for your insightful ‘book!’
I find that I do much better on the days that I start the day by thanking God for my blessings… as I start thinking of all the things I have to be thankful for, the pain of having to live without my Don is eased by my gratitude for the blessings I have, ie: a warm, dry house where everything functions as it should, a comfortable bed, the ability to sleep, etc. I do wonder why Don had to be taken at the ‘young’ age of 63, but when I read or hear about those who are taken at a much younger age, I am humbled and thank God for the 45 years we had together, plus the two wonderful children He gave us.
In GriefShare’s devotional, “Through a season of grief,” Dr. Larry Crabb is quoted as saying: “Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there’s going to be an ache that won’t quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain.” This perfectly describes my thoughts and feelings.
Jeanine
Hi everyone, i have noticed some of my replies didnt go through, i really hate that, but let me say i get them on my phone everyday and they are my rock. I get excited when i see a new one because i feel the support is so strong on here. Whether it be helping someone else or just feeling it is ok your not alone. I wish so strongly that this was not something anyone had to go through and experience. Its truly tough. I got a poem the other day and wanted to post it for all to read.
“My Cake”
Sometimes we wonder,
‘What did I do to deserve this?’ or
‘Why did this have to happen to me?’
A daughter is telling her Mother how everything
is going wrong, she’s failing algebra, her boyfriend
broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and
asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the
daughter says, ‘Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.’
‘Here, have some cooking oil,’ her Mother offers.
‘Yuck’ says her daughter.
‘How about a couple raw eggs?’ ‘Gross, Mom!’
‘Would you like some flour then?
Or maybe baking soda?’
‘Mom, those are all yucky!’
To which the mother replies:
‘Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves.
But when they are put together in the
right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! ‘
it spoke to me, i question so much about each thing that goes wrong and i know that the bad things teach us, lead us, and make us strong. It builds this person that can get through a lot and help another when they need it. I grew up in a crappy childhood, but being who i am today i would not be as strong and know as much and be able to get through life the way i do without it. each crappy thing made this strong, independant woman that i am. i knew when my husband past it was probably going to be the hardest thing i had to do, but i knew somewhere down this rocky road i would gain something so wonderful and useful. NOW i will admit…. some days i dont care about all that and just want him home. and my heart hurts and aches! but there comes those days that i say, it is what it is and i can let it beat me, or i can beat it… and beating it a little everyday would make my Lance proud and that is my goal. Thats how i keep him right there in my heart and no one and nothing can take that away. You all are so strong and give me so much strength too. thank you!!! Marie
Twitter: commentluv
January 25, 2011 at 8:35 pm
i am learning how to take care of myself after so long focusing on Julian, have to stop myself and remnd myself thati have to take myself shopping, get haicut, get out etc, i dont know how to take care of myself !!!!!!!!!!/
my whole life was focused on Julian and his car.
iguess i am scared on sleeping in our bed, i dont know.
i know one thing i dont sleep good anyway.
The My Unknown Journey………started November 1st. 2010
I copied that and e-mailed it to my mom. She loved it and I think she understands more what I am going thru. So thanks for writing that.
I bought Mike the Don Piper book. I read it first before giving it to him. That is neat you got to see him live in church. Hugs to everyone. Hugs…
Thank you for sharing the cake story Marie. I’ve read it before somewhere. But you know when you feel down you forget all the good motivational quotes that you’ve read. They don’t stay in your mind. Reading again gives that little push to move forward again.
January 25th marked two years since my husband passed away. Two years, and I hate it. I hate to see my kids growing up without their father. Two years and I am still crying. Two years I am thinking he’d come back. Yes, there are days I laugh more often. Still I am lost. Two years and still I struggle taking my own decisions, and am wondering whether i am doing the right thing. Glad I can rant here. Just wanted to take that off my chest.
I know what you mean. I pray that it gets easier! It has been 10 mos for me. And a lot of folks are pressing me to move on and date and forget. How do forget the most important person in your life. I look at his picture and my heart aches for him. He is so special to me even though he is no longer here. He will always be my true love.
Im officially off my rocker.
For days now, I have not only been playing the scene of his death over and over in my mind- But now I have this incredible urge to discuss it with him. WHAT THE HECK!
As far as sleeping in our bed-even from night #1 it was more soothing to me to be in that spot (I sleep on his side now-my side stays empty) where he took his last breath, the spot where he last said, “I love you”, the spot where he said, (he was not a believer) “I’ll see you on the other side of the horizon”, the spot where I held him and declared my undying love to a man whose body WAS dying and we all said goodbye to him…that somehow this spot was sacred to me. This spot has the warmth,body impression the place where I last saw him…and many nights I just curl up in this spot that was his and now is only mine…and remember our very last times together.
Today is a rough day.
2 yrs March 3. I am not looking forward to that.
Hugs to you all…
Dear Lisa, the ladies here will pray for you, me on the other hand…
You have had a rough ride, sweetheart. This is the toughest thing you will ever experience. Not only have you lost your partner, but you’ve seen what humanity can do when they decide enough is enough. I believe this life is full of choices. Each of us chooses the path we walk, and no matter how the life is ended, it is tough on those left behind.
Your partner made that choice. Do not let anyone tell you differently. You will begin to go through massive emotional stress and What If… scenario’s will play through your head. Ride the storm, Lisa, there was nothing that you could have done to change his mind. Once the choice is made the reflex action took over.
Whenever you need to Lisa, come back here and vent. Let us know what you are going through and we will help you through it, just as you will help us through our tough times, although you probably don’t feel that right now.
There are things you will need to do over the coming months, and we are all here because of the same thing, our partners are gone from us.
Take heart, sweet Lisa, I won’t pray for you because I don’t believe in GOD, but there are many here who do, and their prayers will be heard.
Please come back and speak to us. I’m having trouble with my internet connection at home, so if I don’t reply to any of your posts right away, you know that I will in time.
I’m sending you lots of strength, because you are going to need it, Lisa. Ride the wave and let us hold your hand.
Much Love
Normaxxx
To my dear friends,
The good days are beginning to outweigh the bad days. Although it has been a bit harder this week (hormonal because of “womens things”), and I’ve tried to keep up my mantra of “when feeling low, smile” I’m only human and sometimes smiling isn’t enough. So, I say now “when feeling extra low, laugh until your sides split!”
I’ve yet to find anything that funny, but you can see where I’m going with this. Smiling and laughing releases endorphines, the endorphines make you feel happy, and can be better than any drug.
Me and Martin used to call them Dolphins. Lets release the dolphins he would say (he suffered from manic depression all of his adult life), and we would try hard to cheer each other up, or just go and have sex.
Get your dolphins going, Ladies. Whether through smiling, laughing till your sides burst, drugs (although not recommended) or sex (chance would be a fine thing, so will stick to the smiling!), and see how high you can get your Dolphins to jump!
I think about you all constantly, I fear I’ve missed something important when I can’t get online.
My strength is enough to carry you when you need it. So until you can give me a piggy back ride, I will never leave this site and will always be here to listen and support each and everyone of you.
Much love, much strength and a great deal of Dolphins.
Normaxxx
Lisa,
Please know that you are wrapped in the warmth of our support for you. We all do that for eachother.
Feel free to come in here and rant or let your mind unload-we all do it, and we listen to eachother. It helps somehow.
-Debie
Twitter: commentluv
January 28, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Hello Ladies,
Just a little something to make you all smile as it did me:
I went with my three grandkids , 8, 6, & 4 yesterday and
The younges heard a song, that I did not even know what it
Was and he looked at me and said “Grandma , this song
Is for papa……………………omg gosh and he only 4…
Then later its kind a coinceidence that my oldest,
Later came to me and told me and asked me what
Kind of music did his papa like, I told him , oldies,
He said ok, ill be back, after he returned he told me
He asked the dj to play a song for his papa.
You know as adults it hurts so bad to loose the love of your
Love, ( your husband, your friend, your everything),……..
And I have seen it had really affected my grandkids more
Than we realize, they were very close to him,
My youngest, 4, just left my house the other night , and
My daughter called me , and the baby was crying and she
Asked him what was wrong, he said : I miss my papa too much”,
And was crying so hard, we tell them its ok to cry and to miss
Him but is is an angel now and watching over us.
I only know the pain I am going thru but cant imagine my
There little ones pain, .
I feel the pain will never go away.
I have to say that I have some days that I stay so busy
That I dotn cry ,but then some days I just look at his
Picture I cry or hear a song, ( like to day I heard our
Wedding song) , omg the tears started at work and I bet I cried for
One hour or more, I try my best to just reverse the sad feeling
Into those wonderful memories, buts it so hard.
My husband was such a laid back kind of person,
He never complained, no matter what I wanted to do
He was always., like, what ever you want , I want,
I now am having to learn to live live alone,
I am lonely at times, just sitting on the couch
With him sitting next to me is missed so much,
We done everything together !!!!!!
I would rush home to be with him, even after 8
Years , it never changed . Now I dotn even want to
Go home, I have not touched anything that belongs to him.
Like the song says,
Nothings been moved, but everythings changed,
Oh how true.
So many things that use to be so very important to me
Is not because he is not here to share them with.
I don’t care if my house is a mess, my dirty clothes
Are piled up to wherever, if the bed every gets made,
( esp since I havent slept In it in about 3 months),
I don’t care if the table is piled with junk, I just don’t care !!
I havent slept in “out” be in almost three months,
It will be three months feb 1st…… I may never I don’t know
So sorry about your hubbys passing. Hugs and prayers to you and everyone else on here…
Twitter: commentluv
January 31, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Hello Ladies,
Where is everyone?
I know sometimes I just don’t know what to say .
Tomorrow will be three months since I lost my husband and best friend.
Like has been a fog for me for these past three months, it just seems
So unreal , I even ask my self all the whats if over and over again,
What if I done this, or what if I had not done this or what if I was
More patient, all those whats ifs come to my mind and yet I have no
Answers to my own questions, and yet the what ifs will not bring back
My Julian, so I have to stop doing that to myself, I look at his picture
On the coffee table , just cry for him, I hear a song, like our wedding song yesterday
At work and cry the whole song, as I am learning to become my own
Helper at home doing things that I normally would nto be doing,
Julian done everything for me, I stop and think how would he do it and I
Then smile and pray for him to guide me…
His tools are now pride and joy , we always done projects together,
So I know how to do things , im not totally helpless , but never had
To do them on my own, but now I really see the value in his tools.
, every one of them, I may not use them like he done, but I get the
Job done.
Julian was a carpenter for over 48 years, he speciallied in framing houses And he was the best at building spiral staircases, one step at a time.
I go to his closet off and on and look in and close the closet back,
Everythings the same, nothings changed in that closet, nothings
Been moved, I haven looked also in his dresser drawer and also just
Closed It back,
The garage was his , except where I used the washer and dryer,
Is crammed pack full of tools, etc, I have everything in the
World I need but him .
I thank Julian for always showing me things, it was like he
Was showing me how to be able to do things on my own.
I have met many women who has lost their husbands ,
And I think each one of us are grieving in our own way and
No matter how , I think we all have grown
I can relate. I had so many what if’s after Mike went. I regret I didn’t call the emergerncy crew earlier cuz I thought he was only gagging on phleghm from a cold and thought I could get him fixed up myself. How dumb of me. And it cost me my dear hubby. Never ever think what if he can’t afford the emergency crew or think he can’t be that bad off you can fix him yourself. I learned the hard way and now I have to suffer forever. Hugs to you and everyone else on here.
I had another dream that Mike came back from the dead and we were gonna go on an out of town trip. I wake up and he’s dead again. I wish the dream was real. Sigh…
I have guilt feelings of not calling 911 earlier. So many shudas, cudas, if onlies. We both thought he only had bronchitis & just needed to sleep. he’d been sick a lot lately, gets colds easily, so I just let him sleep. christ oh mighty! He slept alright, never woke up! dam it all to hell! The drs tell me he was so relaxed that his defillibrator never went off & he probably had a heart attack & didn’t even know it on acct of his diabetes & every thing else he had, including congestive heart failure. Later when I looked that up on the net, it said his chest was filled with fluid & that was why he was coughing so much! How stupid can I be. If only!!!!!!!!!!
Twitter: commentluv
February 3, 2011 at 7:41 pm
Hello everyone.
Hope you all are doing ok.
I made a step towards progress a few days ago,
For those of you who havent followed up on my posts,
For the past three months, I have slept on the couch.,
Well on Monday , feb 1st, ( which would have been exactly
Three months to th eday I lost my husband and best friend),
It was very cold that night and I really dotn know why,
After all these months sleeping and lounging on the couch,
I went to our bed and cuddled up with Julians blanket
And slept on his side of the bed and actaully felt like a
“cal’ had come over me. May sound strange to some,
But I can bet some of you can relate to this.
And I have been sleeping in our bed for the past two nights,
With no thought of heading to the couch. ….
Did God guide me with the comfort of Julian’s side …?
Julian was always warn natured and was always warm
Not only in his heart but his body warmth was awesome,
I always told him he was my heater in the winter as I
Do not like winter and I did even need a heater at night
When I layed up against Julian ;s warm body, it only took
About minute to take his warmth in to my body and he
Knew that, its amazing….
My 2nd husband who was a vietnamvet with all kinds of health problems from there has passed away 3 weeks ago. to me it is still such a shock. All the company is gone & I have his pictures all over the house. I still can’t believe he is gone, not coming back. I cry all the time, I keep hearing his voice in my mind. I keep looking for him, the cat & dog also look for him. He had congestive heart failure & died in his sleep. All I can think of is, I shuda, cuda, if only, oh how I wish I take back time. How could you leave me? We had 9 years together, & he was the best ever, so wonderful, caring, loving. now I have to make lists to keep myself busy, but the nights are soo long, I keep wishing for him to be there. Reality is having to pick up all the pieces, sell whatever I can to make it. I woudn’t have to do this if he were here. oh, god why did he have to go? People tell me, he’s not in pain anymore. does that make it better? Now I have to find a job soon, or I will lose everything. meanwhile I’m going to flea markets selling what I can. All I can feel is such a great sadness. A deep hole inside of me. I’m such at a loss. There’s too many hours in the day. What do I do with myself, now that he is gone. He was everything to me.
Hi Kathy
Things do seem a bit hopeless at first. I think we all went through the shuda, cuda, woulda stage, especially for those who were around when the nasty happened. I know I went through that for a while and wishing I’d said more at the end. Unfortunately there was nothing that cuda’ve been done for my hubby, it was just a matter of time.
by the sounds of things it’s going to be a tough ride for you at the moment. Money worries on top of everything else, I can’t comment on that, I am sorry. I live in Scotland so have no idea what you can do to help yourself out. What I will say, my sweet, is come back and speak to us. The Ladies here are brilliant, they will listen to you and offer their own experiences and advice, and it’s cheaper than therapy, so it will help you safe a bit of cash.
Kathy, you are only 3 weeks in to this. The pain might be gone for your husband, but it’s just started for you. The journey is a tough one and although they say time is a healer, it’s not really. It’s more like as you go through the journey and time moves on, you cope with it better, but the pain is just as bad. There is no point in sugar coating it for your sweetheart, the truth will help you through. So come back and speak to us, rant if you need to, shout, scream and we will help you through your journey as much as you will help us through ours.
Much love
Normaxxx
its really really awful but also very very endearing to read that there are so many of you that are experiencing the same feelings that i am. i believedand want to believe that i am the only person in the whole wide world that feels this rotton!! its been 3 months since my dear husband died suddenly of a heart attack in our driveway. we work together so had had a wonderful day together.
im just so so so desperately sad!!! i cant find help anywhere! im in a daze and hate waking up in the morning. its the only time in my whole entire life that i feel like i dont want to be here. i cry at everything!! ive spend the odd night in our bed but function on 3 hours sleep and sleep with the lamp on. his pj’s are still under his pillow and his clothes still hang in the wash house where he left them to mow them DAM lawns!!!
everyday life functioning is a drag and a chore….totally unenjoyable!!
i can smell him in our beedroom…sooo nice, his clothes still hang in the wardrobe.
my dr has prescribed prozac, but im NOT depressed, im sad, not mad!! im soul destroyed. i wish with all my heart that he was here with me.
Helena,
I feel the same way you do. I am not depressed , I am sad and feel my soul has also been destroyed. I just want my husband and life back. It has been a little over 3 months since my Ron has passed away. I can’t sleep or relax. I am just so sad I feel like somedays it isn’t even worth going on. I don’t mean I would kill myself but I really at this point don’t care if I die or not. I want to be with my husband. Being on my own is awful. I miss talking to him and doing things with him. I miss looking into his big blue eyes and him always making me feel safe and protected from the world. He was my world and now the world is cold and lonely. I hate it. I know Ron wouldn’t want me to feel like this and he would be upset to see me so unhappy but I don’t know right now how to feel any better. I hope as time goes on things get better and life doesn’t always feel this bad. I wish all that have lost their husband or anyone they loved make it through one day at a time. I hope we all get stronger and the loss is less painfull.
I sleep better when I sleep on his side of the bed, I still have the clothes he died in -in between the pillows & spray a little of his cologne on them, so I can sleep better. I only knew him 9 years, so I gave most of his younger pictures to his kids, & enlarged some more recent pictures of him to hang in our room. Like Sara, I slept better when I cuddled up to Redwolf, he was such a heater, I felt safe & warm, He was my strength. I was his woman, taking care of him. He loved karaoke & won me over with his wonderful voice. people would come from surrounding rooms just to hear his voice. he was very charasmatic. what a charmer. What a man! there will never be anyone like him. I can’t believe he is gone, I watch old movies, no more NCIS, ha! & I cry.
So sorry to hear about your hubby. I still have Mikes clothes he died in and the blanket he died on on our living room couch. My mom found them and washed them. She thought they needed washing. I had to tell her she shouldn’t have done that cuz she washed his scent out. Sigh. She meant well. I am so sick and tired of feeling lousy and tired and falling asleep watching tv. I want to watch tv and crochet and knit while watching. At his grave Sun I realized that when I died, I died too. March 3, 2009 99% of me died and what is left is the other 1%. HUgs to you all…
I know what you mean about keeping his scent. The crazy things we do to keephis memory. I still have his voice on our phone & I am using his cell phone with his voice. I spray his cologne around, and have his deceased clothes in between the pillows with his scent. When he died, most of me died also. I had no reason to live,and evey day is a sad day. I don’t want to lose the memory, smell and sound of his voice. He was everything to me and without him, I feel like I am nothing. My whole life has gone down the drain, no more companionship, lover, friendship, all the little things, all the holidays, nothing to lookforward to. oh, just all the great sadness.!
Ladies, ladies, we all have a reason to live. We live now for ourselves!
Helena, prozac isn’t just for the depressed. Prozac will help balance your emotions because at the moment you are so up and down that your body hasn’t got a clue, even if your brain does. You will know when the time is right to stop taking your pills, but if you are truly unhappy about taking them, then go back to your Doctor and explain how you feel.
As to sleeping, well that’s a burden we all have to bear. I’ve started exercising and I have to admit it is helping me a lot. Both with the sleep and the fact that I’m not getting any! (you know what I mean and I’m sorry if it seems crude). I still cry, usually when I’m watching TV, and it is a good release. I don’t have the problem of sleeping in our bed as this is in storage. I do have a problem sleeping in the bed my mum died in, but the mattress is so comfortable it’s easy to get over that.
Ladies, you now live for yourself. You keep your memories alive as best you can and as time moves on, move with it. The journey might last for years, but remember you carry the light with you, so turn it on when it gets too dark.
Love, strength and peace coming your way.
Much love
Normaxxx
I think I need prozac sigh. I am a huge Monkees fan. I just found out they are gonna do a concert in northern VA several hrs north of here in June at the same place my friend the singer is coming to in August. If Mike were here we’d be going to both shows. But no he is dead and I have no one to go with me. It would be too hard for me to drive near DC alone like that. When he died my life ended. We both would’ve been so excited about the Monkees getting back together. So unfair he’s gone. I can’t even share the news with him. Well I can talk to him but he can’t talk back. He was not supposed to die until he was 90. Pretty upset. This should be good news for me but it’s not cuz I can’t go cuz he’s gone. And without him it wouldn’t be the same. Sick of it, so sick of it. I WANT HIM BACK NOW. Sigh. So sorry about the rant…
I will also miss going places with my husband. We moved to FL sowe could goto all the biker events. Now, how am I going togo to Daytona by myself,or Leesburg bike events? We enjoyed riding our Harley. I felt like the queen & he was the king. He was my world, so now what do I do? I would take photos of things we’d seen, then gohome & either paint,draw,sketch etcand enter my artwork in local art constests. I won several in the Central FL fair. I wold love tomake a living painting, drawing etc, bikers, bikes etc. Now I am alone, no one to enjoy life with.
hi this is all new to me to use the word widow is an awful word that i hate to hear it has been 2 weeks for me i am still very angry that he died even though i new he was very sick and i should have been used to it by now friends are nice but all you here is it is your time to take care of you maybe i enjoyed taking care of my husband for now my life is empty
i take one hour at a time
I can so relate as I loved going places with my Mike. I hat the word widow too. It sounds so scary or something. Hugs to you all. I’m hanging in there but not coping so well…
Hiya Kathy, you are so full of anger right now, that I hate to say it, you are thinking so negatively. Forget about the negative for a moment and bear with me.
Anger is good, you are so fresh on your journey, anger will help you through these next few months (yes months). You need to rant, you need to get it off your chest, you need to get things out of your head and share it with us (or your psychologist) which ever you find easiest. Don’t let things rattle around inside your head, my sweet, we ALL know what you are going through.
As to the negative – I felt exactly the same in the earlier days, and I joke even now (14months on) that I don’t have a life, but I do. When the pain becomes bearable and you realise that life doesn’t stop for you, then you might be ready to start living life FOR YOU! Perhaps in time you will get your own bike licence (sorry you probably already have one, but just incase) and you can ride the Harley and look more like the Alpha Female as well as a Queen. You can do anything Kathy, anything that you want, and when you are ready you will realise this for yourself.
Until then, come and speak to us, believe it when I say (and many have heard this line), you will help us as much as we help you. Take care and I look forward to reading your posts.
Dear Sweet Aleta,
You are just beginning on this journey. You are right to say …for now my life is empty… I would agree with that, but I find that my life is beginning to fill up again. When Martin died, I knew he was going to leave a big massive hole, which he did, and I wanted it filled up again quickly, but that didn’t happen. Now over a year later, my life is filling up again, slowly.
Come back and speak to us Aleta, as Kathy knows and everyone else here, we are one big community that binds together because of our loss.
Cheryl – yes no sweets, or dears for you. You know what you need to do now don’t you? Never mind worrying about driving up to DC, get yourself a hotel booked, buy your ticket for the Monkees and take a bus or a train or a plane (I’ve no idea how far away you live), and go and enjoy the show! You know that Mike may not be able to share the experience with you now, but what are you going to say to him when you see him again, when you tell him you missed a chance to see the Monkees and didn’t go because he wasn’t there? Mike will tell you straight, that everyday he has been gone from this earthly plain, he has been by your side in everything that you do. You are a believer Cheryl and you need to believe that although you may not feel Mike, he is there, with you. So do it, book the show go and enjoy it and be happy knowing you will have something new to share with Mike when you see him again. I love you Cheryl and I hope you do decide to take this opportunity.
For all you ladies, reading but not posting, peace and love and strength to you all. I hope your life is beginning to fill up again.
Much love
Normaxxx
Thanks for the support. Unfortunately no way to get from the train station to the concert place. Hopefully they will come to my area.
Last nite I was ont v that ad for the princess Diana ring her song gave his fiance. It hit me that if Mike were here I would’ve asked him to get it for me for our 25th anniversary this yr. It hit me he was gone and I went all to pieces for quite a while. I HATE him being dead. I wish they could resurrect the dead. If so I’d have him first to come back for sure. Ran into another lady in crocheting and knitting group that was widowed. Guess that’s my widows support group even tho there are married women there. I do know Mike is with me. He showed me with that rainbow in Nags Head…
Oh yeah, hugs to you all…
How do I get through the nights? My eyes hurt from crying. I went to his grave today & found they finally put a stone marker there. To me it says it is final, (like I thought? he would come back to me? at least in a dream?) now he’s a permanent member in a field of stone among other deceased soldiers. he’s in a nat’l cemetery. I miss him every minute. I’m so lonely without him. But, hey! I did join a fitness center where I go work out 4 days a week. I couldn’t go before, because he was too sick. You’d think? I could sleep by now?
Twitter: commentluv
February 12, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Just want to let you all I keep you all in my prayers.
In just a few days it will be Valentines day, and like
Most of you I will dearly miss being able to share
That day with my love,
I always decorated the house for valentines day and
Left it up for Julians birthday on the 16th, and then I
Still left it up for the rest of the week just because.
On wed Julians bday I am having a celebration of life
In his memory, family and friends will be releasing
Balloons in his memory.
We will have a musical group to sing praises that day,
And we will all share pictures and our memories of Julian.
I will take pics and add later.
In the past three months, I have seen a difference in myself,
So I know others have too, im just not myself anymore.
I lost my best friend, husband, and so much more.
And I feel like my heart has been ripped out.
Im going to the dr today just for folluw up labs,
Im not sick but im gonna ask my dr if she has a
Prescription for a broken heart,
Ill let you know later what she says.
Cause that is what I have .
Hugs to you all. I went to the church valentines dinner. It hurt Mike not being there. I had a nice time but it was not the same without him. When I first go in the church I almost felt like I was gonna have a panic attack and felt like bolting outta there but I didn’t. Valentines suck, For starters I’m diabetic so can’t have the candy and then lose Mike. Not a holiday for me. Hugs to you all…
Hello friends, How is everyone? I have not posted for a few weeks, but read all the entries. Valentine’s Day is here and so are we. The couple holidays are the hardest for me (Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve). It will be 14 months on the 19th and I relive Dec. 19, 2009 everyday. Does this mean I am stuck in my grief? I certainly don’t want to be “stuck” as there are ok days. I really miss my husband today.
Love to all, Lori
Yes, today is one of the first holidays to come along, My husband Redwolf died 4 weeks ago. I went to walmart & made some small wallet size pictures of himtocarry around with me, & he now has a marker, whoopee, so I made copies of that to send to his sisters. Our anniversary would be coming up the end of march. I am trying to keep busy, but it is a sad lonely day, isn’t it?
Here it is Valentine’s day…Since my husband died, I think I’ve gone through all the biggies-Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Halloween (sounds silly but halloween was always one of our big fun holidays), Christmas, New Years, Anniversary and now Cupid.
I really thought I’d been holding it all together- I held a stiff upper lip seeing all the candies and hearts and flowers in the stores for the past month and a half. I even bought valentines for my kids and made some valentine cards for friends.
It all seemed to be OK…until……
I came home from taking my daughter to school and there was the most beautiful bouquet of roses in a BEAUTIFUL vase on my door step-From my fabulous mom! I started BAWLING my head off, and I’m pretty sure if she knew that she’d feel terrible. She meant to make me happy today. But all I could think about was that my husband and I should be lovey-dovey today and how he always brought me the most beautiful Roses on Valentines day and spoiled me outrageously..and always made me feel like the most loved person on the planet. And now he’s not there. And the slow realization is seeping in that no one could love me as completely, unselfishly and unconditionally than he did…
Dang this is tougher than I thought it would be.
:/
deb
Yes, today is sad and it hurts. My Ron and I loved Valentine’s Day and now he isn’t here to spend it with me. I will be glad when it is over.
Twitter: commentluv
February 14, 2011 at 7:27 pm
today was the worst valentines ever, just being without my best friend, and my husband,Julian.
i have always loved Valentines day and looked forward to it,
As Julian and I spoiled each other with cards, candy, , etc,
And every since 2002, when we met, every Valentines Day
Without fail, I decorated our house with balloons, streamer,
Decorations, etc, it is always so beautiful, and I always decorated
Usually the day or two before and left it up for the following week,
Because Julians birthday is on the 16th, so that week is very special
To me always, this year I started decorating on Sunday and it is beautiful
Just as it would be if Julian was here. And in fact on Wednesday
I am having a “Celebration of Life” for Julian at my house.
I feel he is watching over me, and although today is a not the best of days for Me, I am tired of hearing people talk about their plans, and see the flowers tat some women get, I would always get candy and a very special card From Julian that meant more than a million bucks.
It is very tough day today , I have no “Valentine” to share this day with.
I have to go home to my empty house, then to a empty bed.
My life is so different now, im sure others see it too, cause I see it
I ma not the same happy person I use to be before my husband passed
On nov 1st.
Its been three very tearful long months, and the tears just start and will
Not stop at times, I can be in the car, at home, on the road, at work,
All the same , I have his picture on my desk, I smile at him, think of
His soft skin, his soft sweet hands I use to always hold and esp at night
Every night we would go to sleep holding hands.
I just think back at I am so grateful for the 8 years we had together,
Althoug way to short, I am so glad God put our lives together and I
Had the awesome love I had for him as he did for me.
We were soulmate and best of friends, we acted like we were teenagers
First falling in love and that kind of feeling was the say up to the day
He passed, the same love, we were there for each other, no matter
What we went thru , we were there for each other, thru the good times
And the bad, we always made it with each other by our side.
I have been his caregiver and I would not have changed that place for a million bucks.
I would go thru it all over again, but I would not want him to go thru any of it again.
I met Redwolf in 2002 also. We had almost 9 years together. He was the light of my life. We would always decorate for Christmas, This year I did all the decorating as he was too sick. Towards the end I was his caregiver, and that was alright. I enjoyed his companionship, his singing, god, how he could sing, especially love songs to me. He made my life complete. & yes he spoiled me. my daughter said I was a “kept woman”. so, I enjoyed being with him. We had wonderful times together, we rode the Harley all over, even went to sturgis,SD. what a trip, what a man!
Its been a bit since I posted but I read your words for strength every day. I had a dream of my Lance last night. It was a little strange but he was so sweet and just right there!! Its been almost 2 years and I miss him as much as day 1. I’m so in love with Jarred and makes me happy. I mean rotten!! Yesterday I was showered with love, no worries, candy, gifts, dinner, movie, flowers etc but in the back of my mind there he was…. Memories of his face and hands. His voice and I was dieing. My son just turned 12 and got a new hair cut well!! He has always looked like his daddy but boy does he now. Sometimes I just can’t stop looking at him. The way his mouth moves. Its him! I’m not depressed where I cry all the time, I am dealing with patience issue’s I just don’t hold my tongue any longer. But I am missing him too much and even after this long I now wonder is this just a rotten part of me that is here to stay. I may be happy and smiling but there is a crack in it all beneath the surface. Somedays I just don’t want any of my memories to feel normal not so empty or partially gone. So much of me died with him.
I haven’t posted in a while. Thought I was doing better – then Valentine’s Day and March is the one year anniversary when everything fell apart leading up to Paul’s death on 3/26. A wash of feelings just came over me the last few days and there was a full moon on top of it!
My family feels that as it is almost a year – I should be “healed” and be back to my old self! I get so angry at them sometimes as I cannot talk about my feelings to them – they don’t understand. There lives are “whole” while mine is shattered.
I get so confused about what to do with my house. I can afford the payments at this time; but, it is big for one person and I am leary about the repairs that will come in the future -major ones like roof and air conditioner. Moving just seems so overwhelming and it will cost quite a bit to move as well as trying to pack and downsize!!! Ugh! Also with all that my grandchildren have been through with their mother abandoning them, I just don’t want to have yet another change in their lives – this is grandma’s house. Also, I am located to conveniently to everything. I guess I will know when the time is right. But, this is my home! My mom says just sell it! So cold sometimes. We rebuilt this entire house with our own blood, sweat and tears. And I love my house.
My sister calls me every morning to say hi and check on me, but, she complains about her husband leaving his clothes around and not helping out around the house and how she is so overwhelmed. UGH!!! I would give my soul to have Paul back and leaving his stuff all over the house!! I told her that, but of course she just doesn’t get it.
Thank you all for letting me vent. I know better days are on the horizon, I guess, I am just trying to get my arms around the 1 year mark and that I truly did survive all this nightmare.
God bless.
Dear Karen,
I read your posting this morning and it made me smile…because it bought back my own memories. My Barry’s birthday is March 1st. It has been three years since he departed this earthy plane. Stay on this site to read the postings from others. It helps and you can add in your own.
I gave up the house…way to big…too much responsibilities…too much stress. I down sized to a 2/1 duplex on the corner of a street off the main road. The water is only about 3 blocks away. It has no street lights…very quiet neighbhood. I have an alarm system…so I do not have to be afraid. I have a big wood fenced in back yard, where I planted a garden. I am expanding the garden area this year.
Here is what I think… about others trying to understand what you, others like us are going thru and went thru:
First Year: A dream like world…
Second Year: What you did not find someone else and still are at it? I burst out crying that night.
Third Year: Yep!!! Here I am on my own…building and redefining myself. Someone told me that Barry will always be in my heart…but I can open my heart to someone else, again…oneday.
I just sign up for a support group…denture adventure…I am going thru a hard time dealing on giving up on all of my own natural teeth and having something stucked into my mouth. It has only been two weeks. Cannot eat with them yet. I am juicing and eating yogurts, when I am not at home. I discovered what a big sensory the mouth is.
So, girl…hang in there. Pray and meditate…guidance will come to you…when you quiet yourself down. No one else understand…unless they are in the same situation. We then in turn help others and guide them thru.
Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Thank you for this. I just don’t know when the right time is to do certain things – like sell the house – move on. I love my house and at this time can handle things. Can I move and possibly save more money in the long run – maybe. But, at this time I can handle things. Maybe I just answered my own question???? I am afraid that if I sell and move it will send me into a tailspin. Guess I am not ready yet??
Just find I am having a hard time with “old” friends. Those that are married and complain about their spouse. Trying to find more single friends that can relate to me and where I am at the moment. I am also getting more involved with my church with a help of a male friend. He has been a good support for me.
Thank you all for listening. I am “hanging” in there. That is just what it feels like. I want to be “myself” and “whole” again. I guess that will come in time.
Hello Ladies
MLB – I couldn’t have said it any better. I love you and wish you well with your new set of Teeth. What an adventure that must be!
Karen – I’m with you, we are all with you. Why not get yourself a lodger, put that money aside for major repairs, then you won’t have to worry so much about it if anything happens to the air con or roof. You might find someone at church is looking for a room.
Well what a weird couple of weeks it’s been. I had a strange dream the other night, one that I can only remember the end of. I was in my old high school staff room surrounded by all the teachers and a little girl. The little girl had all the teachers really scared and they thought that she was possessed by the devil. I had worked it out, that she wasn’t and was in the middle of telling them this, when Yuri a big Russian came in and asked what the problem was. I explained what was going on and he said that he knew how to sort it out. He began chanting and the little girl was fine, but I began to sway and then I fell over (caught by Yuri I may add) and this misty grey stuff came out of me. Yuri said there you go, all sorted now. I was the one who was posessed. He left and said that he’ll come back and see me 1st November.
What do you make of that ladies?
As much as I try, I still get days where I can’t stop crying. I wanted to phone my mum on Friday, but she wasn’t home!
Much strength and love and peace to you all.
Normaxxx
That’s good that you still have your mom. Mine died 2 years ago. I call my sister sometimes, & my dauhter checks on me every day. but it’s not the same. right? your mom always had a good answer for everything and understood.
Good luck with the dentures. Had a nightmare about Mike Fri nite. It started out fine with him comeing back from the dead and us going and doing things together. But then heaven wanted him back and I kept arguing with heaven about it trying to explain I needed him worse than they did. Sigh…
Last nite I was watching tv and an ad for an Elvis collectible set with stuff like a copy of his birth certificate and other stuff on him, came on tv. It reminded me of Mike since he was an Elvis fan and I broke down and went all to pieces over Mike for quite awhile. I’m tired of him not being here with me. I miss him so much. I can’t go off places now cuz he’s not here to go with me and there’s no one else to go with me and it’s too far for me to go alone. Yuck! Oh well at least I’m alive. Sorry to vent here but ya’ll are the ones who understand.
Hugs to you all…
I miss going places also. I went up town Sat nite by myself to watch the mardi grau? parade. I was surrounded by many people, but it wasn’t the same, you know. I miss going for a ride on the Harley. Whenever it’s a nice day, I just want to go for a ride behind someone, knowing he will protect me. But I only want it to be Redwolf.
Twitter: commentluv
February 20, 2011 at 5:20 pm
hello ladies,
i too miss having my Julian to do things with, him and I done everything together, esp on the weekends, when i was at home with him, we would plan our saturday going to do breakfast and running errands,and just doing those things made us happy being together,
he would just ask me where i needed to go an off we went, had the
best time jus being together, we would do our errands ,then go back home watch a movie, spend the whole weekend together, i would dread monay morning as ihad to leave him, but some may think im crazy,but i use to be so excited to get thru myday to getout of work and sraight home,to Julian, we were just so happy when we were together, my daughters were so happyfor me to be happy and always told me that Julian acted like teenagers, always hugging and kissing each , always showin our love for each other, now i really dont look forward to weekends as i know i will be alone, on saturdays when i have to go run errands, its not the same, i have to force myself to go do them.
its been three months and i finally sleep in bed on his side of the bed, i use his blanket, and i do wear his clothes, i use his tools, and this past week had been a tough week, with valentines days, then wednesday was Julians birthday, and today 4 years ago Julian got his liver transplant, so is been tough, i pray for each one of you ladies, you know i tell myself how am i going to make it thru this, then each day at the end of the day i tell myself i made it thru another day.
there are days when i start cying and cant stop, that was tuesday, at work,i cried all day long at work !!! i didnt even want to go to lunch with my co workers ,i told them i would not be good company, but they talked me into going…..
my life is not the same anymore….
here is hoping that you have a good week.
Hi everyone, this is only the second time I’ve been on. Sara everything you said reminded me of what I would do with my husband Will. Sundays and Mondays were our days. Those were his days off. We would go up to Big Bear to our little cabin and just relax and escape. I miss going out to breakfast, shopping doing errands. Watching movies eating popcorn, making each other laugh. Life sucks right now. I know our four kids are always there for me, but they are all married and have lives. I don’t want to be a burden just because I’m so lonely without my Willie. I also sleep on his side of the bed and wear his shirts. I just got back from visiting him. I go two sometimes three times a week. I’ve had a rough day, just want to cry! I know he hates it when I cry but it’s hard not to. Miss him so much. When I first met my mother in law who passed 18 years ago, she was widowed, never got to meet Wills dad. I don’t know how she did it. Wish I knew. This April will be hard it will be our 30th anniversary. We were making plans that will never be… Will has been gone 116 days! I keep hearing be strong you need to live, you’re young.. I’m 50 don’t feel young. Feel like I’m half dead without him. And I know he would be irritated to know that. But I keep going, I hear him in my head making me get up and get things done. Sara and everyone else out there we aren’t alone. We all need each other. Thanks for listening. I need to vent. Thanks! Take care!
Well, Deb1ie…
I smile and laugh after reading your posting. Good output on your part. I remember just two years ago…I was yelling at Barry and God for the feelings of lost…finding myself, again…
I never did like those feelings…not being in control of myself…being so devastated. I worked real hard to get thru those feelings the last three years. At times, I had guilt…same thing as when I signed the papers with Hospice to bring Barry home…not to reciutate…two days later, Barry left. It creeeps up on me once in awhile, yet Barry and I knew. I ask Barry to forgive me…I remember when I saw his spirit take off in the haze…then out of the corner of my eyes…I saw his body falling. I had asked the Social Worker and the Hospice Nurse…should we not call 911?
It is all within our own time…working things out…having faith, hope and love…then hopefully we each will find the peace within.
Like I tell myself…I am not a bulldog plowing thru life…but then bulldogs are very sensitive, also…maybe the proper word is bull dozer. I am just a butterfly…a whisper..one just might feel the slightest breeze from my wings.
Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hey great comment from someone who sounds like they never met their soul mate. Yeah we cry we talk about our husbands because they were the love of our lives. No one is saying we aren’t living! I get up go to work watch two of my youngest grand babies three days a week. I run to the store visit family. You need to understand that our lives are suddenedly upside down, it might take some years. It’s only been 116 days for me. But I’m going to keep talking about my husband for my sake as well as our children. It makes us happy, we smile! And I never want the grandchildren to forget what a great papa they have! Because I know he is with us and helping us any way he can. I’m not saying there is another man out there for me, but I’m not hiding away in my home. And if God willing I meet a nice guy to do things with then it’s meant to be. And if reading our messages upsets you then I’m sorry just don’t read them. Some of us need to vent and don’t know of anyone else who is going through what we are. So this is a comforting site. Hope you can be a little more understanding.
Twitter: commentluv
February 20, 2011 at 7:52 pm
Audrey
my email:
mssara1962@yahoo.com
deb1ie, bite me…..how cold-hearted can you be. Guess you never loved someone more then yourself.
Twitter: commentluv
February 20, 2011 at 7:55 pm
my email:
mssara1962@yahoo.com
deb1ie, bite me…..how cold-hearted can you be. Guess you never loved someone more then yourself.
Twitter: commentluv
February 20, 2011 at 7:51 pm
I agree !
Twitter: commentluv
February 20, 2011 at 7:49 pm
deb1ie
can i ask have you lost a spouse?
and if so how long ago?
my opionion: no offense to anyone,
from your posting, i feel that if you have lost a spouse,then itmust have been quite a while, iwould think years, but stilll do not understand the feeling you talk about, i cant imagine you saying those things to us that have esp los our husbands, i really dont care what anyone thinks or says about me talking about my husband, although i do feel lost still today just like i did nov 1st,when i lost myhusband and best friend, i still long to touch him and to talk to him, YES i am grown and am able to do things by my self and go places by myself, even though i hate that i have to , without Julian, i am sure in time i will get out and do more, but untill then,i will continue to do what iwant to do and if want to be lazy at home iwill.
my comment:
i lost my husband three months ago, my life is not the same,they say
” the deeper you love, the deeper the grief”, i beleive that , Julian was
myeverything, and at this time, i feel that mylife will never be the same again, and maybe on day that feeling wil change, but for know, that s how i feel, i do get out and do things, im not locked in my closet !!
Wow! This is not a site for judgement, criticism or condemnation. What has happened to forgiveness? I guess a button has been pushed here…right? There is no time table. I must agree, if there is a problem with anyone reading these posts, don’t read them. Ok? Love, understanding, patience and forgiveness are what makes the world a better place. I seldom post but this one really got my attention. And, while I am at it, I will continue to grieve in my own time and in my own way if it takes me another day or ten years. Let’s support each other in love, light and peace.
Twitter: commentluv
February 20, 2011 at 9:17 pm
Terre
I totally agree, this site is for us to be there for each other, support each other and listen , some of here , may have been thru thier greiig aleady,some may be halfway thru thier grief, some may be juststating their grivig likeme only three months out, alll of us are here for support, not criticisism by anyone, i feel that if anyone is on here to give us grieving, ulgl responses, the need to getoff this site.
I have two comments. One directed at deb1ie, and another to the rest of the readers and those commenting.
deb1ie:
Those who have lost their loved ones, specifically their spouse, are coming to this website for solace. These women, myself included, have been destroyed by losing a person that meant so much. Degrading them is not only heartless, but also unwarranted. While I can understand the need to vent, it’s best to do that when you actually have a point to make. There is a huge difference between trying to help and being plain rude. You were definitely the latter. People are allowed to grieve in their own way, and their strength for coming here and sharing is admirable.
A lesson for you–Consider HOW you say something before you say it. If you are trying hard to convince people of something, construct a reasonable sentence! Follow some sort of rhetorical pattern, because you are consistently contradicting yourself. Take a rhetoric class or public speaking class (which, by the way, is also taught nationwide with online speaking in mind). Do so before you think of making a ridiculous argument again. No one will take you seriously.
While I am disgusted by how you treated women at their most vulnerable, the strongest thing I can do is forgive you. And, I do. At least I, and everyone else, can walk away with our heads held high, and you can boil in your misery.
To the strong women who are reading this and have been commenting thus far:
Do not listen to deb1ie. You have so much to offer the world, and you can and will do it at your own pace. Don’t let anyone tell you how long to take. I know this from experience, and I am here to support you, too. I am trying to bounce back from my own loss, and it is not easy. One thing I can tell you is to not put pressure on yourself. I have been surviving this since the end of October, and I still have a hard time focusing. I still cry, and I am okay with that. You will not be the same, but you will be happy again. Relish in those moments of laughter and joy with family and friends. We know what it is like to lose so much, so we can cherish what we have now. Keep believing in yourself, because you are strong and valuable.
Remember your spouse, and don’t listen to people who chide you for doing so. A true testament to how much you love someone is how you grieve for them. Smile, laugh, cry, remember, and don’t forget to breathe. That is living.
Right on Julie! That was awesome! You said everything that I wanted to, but couldn’t put into words. And for everyone who’ve loved and lost, please remember that you’re blessed having loved so greatly. And love never dies! God bless!
Ditto! Very well written, and full of truth.
I suspect deb1ie hasn’t lost a spouse yet. Folks who haven’t been there just don’t understand. I drive local okay but several hrs away is a bit far to drive alone. I lost alot when Mike passed. We do have backbones. In fact Mike would be proud at how well I have survived since he passed. I always thought when he passed I would pay down on top of his casket until I died. But here I am. Going to the drs alone tomorrows and then going out to dinner with a coupla friends. He would be so proud of me. I heard Joel Osteen the preacher on tv say our dead loved one look down on us from heaven and are cheering us on and that’s what they are doing up there. So I know Mike is watching me and pleased at how well I am hanging in there considering.
Yes, I hurt 24/7 and try to act okay when I’m not. I delve into my crocheting and knitting while watching tv to get my mind off the hurt. I am so glad to have my folks with me.
Unless you have travelled the road, you really can’t comment on the route. So here’s hoping you’ll be more understanding towards the ladies here and understand what we are going thru. The ladies here are not some wimpy whiny folks with not backobe. They are stong as steel women who have been thru quite a hurtful shock and that steel has been shattered some. But they are surviving and this is the place to vent and get support where out in the regular world we can’t get it. A place where those going thru the same thing can get support. Hang int here everyone. And hugs to all! Hoping you’ll soon understnad. We are family as the song goes…
SHould be lay down on his casket not pay down. Tired I am…
Should be back bone and not backobe. Spelling errors due to tiredness. Yes I know how to spell lol.
Yes, I did lose someone very dear to me. Though he wasn’t my spouse in the eyes of the law, we were in love and living together when he died just six short weeks before our wedding day. The invitations sat on his desk in the home we had made together, stamped and ready to be mailed. They never would be mailed. I first met him in Michigan when I was 24 (I am now 54) though we were really just acquaintances at that point in time. We grew extremely close in 1982 when we moved near each other. We dated a few years later and then moved in together. In the year 2000, I finally agreed to marry him though he had been pestering me to do so for several months. Though we felt married to each other for a very long time, he wanted to make our relationship legal in case something were to happen to one of us. Was this a premonition on his part? I don’t know. I do know that we would have been “legally” married had he not died suddenly of a ruptured aorta on September 27, 2003. I thought I would die when I lost him. I literally stayed in the hospital holding his hand for seven hours after he was pronounced dead. Seven hours. To me, it felt like a few minutes. I couldn’t understand why everyone around me was urging me to go home. I couldn’t grasp the concept of leaving the building without this man. At his memorial service, a close friend said this: “As to whether Roger was a saint, well, he was certainly the most devilish saint, if so. Dancer on thin ice, muse, Kokopelli incarnate, but no saint. He was a provocateur. His innocent looks and “Who me” protestations never fooled anyone after he had fanned innocent sparks of conversation into social wildfires. He drank to excess…but mostly vicariously. His mouth never consumed half what his eyes did. He was happiest when others around him were happy. On the other hand, if life were champagne, then he was the biggest drunkard I ever met. Wine and money never grew old in his acquaintance. They were treated no better than his tomatoes, peppers, and herbs. Do your job and make room for the next batch. He was no intellectual highbrow, Mensa membership aside. At least not if you use the definition that a high brow is someone who has found something more interesting than women. He was a thief and a liar. He stole time to attend his parties, come over for dinner, or just sit and talk. He stole our base time and used his alchemy to make gold memories. And whenever asked for a favor would reply “No problem” which I’m positive was often a lie. I’m certain now in retrospect that he only pretended to playful wickedness and was really an honorable and good person all along. I’m not sure I’ll forgive him for that. Perhaps the worse thing I can say about him is he never used a recipe. No one will be able to make his ad-hoc kitchen creations. This I know was done out of pure devilishness. He never grew up. He was our Peter Pan, tramping off on trails of high adventure. The tick-tock clock in the alligator’s belly was not chasing him, but consumed his piratical enemies, the clock-watchers, leaving him dancing a happy jig on the ice. Roger was no saint. He was deeply flawed, and celebrated it. He was our Peter Pan and left us all a trail of memories so that now we can always visit him in that Never-Neverland. This is a tragic moment for Roger’s parents, family and friends. Our hearts go out to them at this time. It is a double tragedy for Debbie who was the sun around which Roger orbited. Their relationship was the triumph of love over experience, hope and happiness over history. It was the right decision.”
This was the man I lost. So, yes, I understand losing a wonderful man, and THE one and only person you have built your happiness around. My dear sweet Roger was in my life for such a long time. I was sure I couldn’t live without him. I still have him with me today, but now it’s his remains that are with me, in an urn on my desktop, and his memories that live inside me everyday.
Dear Deb1ie,
That is a beautiful life story. Your significant other half will always be in your heart and all around you. Treasure it.
It bought back remembrance of my Barry. We met in the year of June, 2004. We moved in together a very short time later. It was an mutual understood feeling. We did not have to speak about it. I said OK. He was AA for 14 years. He was a Reverend and a Reiki Master of the first degree. We got married in a Buddhist Temple of January 21, 2007…it was a very moving and spiritual wedding ceremony. Our guests were crying and very moved. The wedding was not filed with the State due to Barry’s financial difficulty during his life. He did not want anyone coming after me. We discovered that he had advanced lung cancer in mid-October, 2007. He left this earthy plane on January just a few days after our first wedding anniversay. So we squashed twenty years of living into 3 1/2 years. His friends told me that he was ever so happy finally, when he found me.
So in his Honor and Remembrance…I am now a Reverend…I am still into my studies. I am a Reiki Master, also.
So, I stand up every morning and say “God…it is me again”. Barry will always be right there…watching me living my life and that I did not give up.
Humbly and Thank you.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
After reading Deb1ie’s post and all the responses….The first thing that came to mind was…I NEED TO CHANGE MY NAME ON HERE!!
My second thought was that I felt like maybe she was addressing herself more than us. I am 5 months out and there are days I give myself that speech. I heard the song that we played for his memorial slideshow yesterday and started to get into the sad zone…and then I had to talk myself out of it. The sad zone isnt the place where I want to hang out too much-occasionally I let myself go there, but mostly not. It’s not the most healing place for me personally.
I hope each of you approaches your process in your own way and remember that just because you cant see him, doesnt mean your love is gone.
Love and best wishes to Everyone!
Debie
My comment today after reading all the posts is this: I thought this was a site for women who have lost a ‘husband’, not an ‘almost’ husband or a ‘well we lived together for a long time’ etc. I attribute those kind of people who want to give advice to you as a parent because they had a pregnancy once, but never had a child as a result. When my husband and I went before God to say our vows to each other, God himself joined us – united forever, one spirit. When my husband died half of that spirit left with him and it left an incredible void. It has been 4 and 1/2 months since he passed. I do still have bad days where I miss him and have a hard time pulling myself together. But I do manage to do that. I wouldn’t say that the tears are bad. I think they are healing. But I am crying for me and not him. He is in a wonderful place and completely healed and whole again. I am happy for him. Until God rejoins us, I will always have sad times. Hopefully they will become less and less. I do still sleep on his side of the bed but it is a King sized bed and I am considering getting rid of it and buying something more suited to me. May redo the entire bedroom with something beautiful. I love the color purple and may go with that. I don’t have a problem going places alone or with others. I never did. I do know this: No one should ever tell another how to grieve or for how long. Is my husband with me? No he is in heaven, but Jesus said he would never leave me or forsake me, so he is with me and he does love me. Jesus gives me little reminders of my guy all the time. It does make me smile. Yes, it does, and I am thankful. Have a great week ladies. We are still in this together.
Not sure I will come back to this site or not. The reason myself and many others came to this site was because we typed in ‘WHEN YOUR HUSBAND HAS DIED’ and we were looking for women who had lost their husbands, to find solace and others who went through this horrible tragedy and how they are doing now. Not their best friend died, their child, their pet who seemed like a real human and part of the family, etc. There probably are sites like those I am sure. It seems like some of the posts now are about people who were not husbands and if the person was not your husband then you certainly need to not tell others that if they are over 40 or don’t have small children that they should move on. I am sure she did not mean to sound so harsh. But when I reread the post it has been seven years since she lost her best friend and fiance’. I am sure by that time we will all be doing okay. Do not call women who have buried their spouse ‘faint of heart’ if they read your post. I am here to read the post, that was the purpose of getting them sent to my email address. These are some of the strongest women God put on his earth. A lot of us who responded to the post are new widows so it really didn’t apply to us anyway. I buried my Dad at 19 and my M0m at 33. My brother died 6 and a half years ago. I will be 60 this year. I certainly know what death is. This site was never intended to make anyone feel bad about their grief and it certainly should not begin now. Ladies just use this site to vent your feelings about yourself, not to preach others. If you had a bad day, let us know. If you had a great day, let us know that too. We widows are on your side. We will get through this.
PS. I do go to worship on Sundays (Calvery Chapel is my church and I also work the nursery there) and I do pray for all those that are sinners, including myself as we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. May he in his Mercy and Grace, show us all forgiveness as forgive others.
Love to all.
you sound a little hard. I suppose after a few years, or even a year or so I would want to start? going out, but right now, it’s only been a month, and it takes time to grieve. I suupose your right, after many moons have passed. I think if women are still grieving after that time they should get help. My husband passed away a month ago, & then I find out a younger brother just passed away. double whammy.
Good evening new friends! I’ve been reading about all the what if’s. I should of done this or that. I so know what you all are feeling. My Willie has been gone 118 days and it feels like yesterday. Sometimes I cry, out of no where and my two youngest granddaughters have seen it. Maddie who is only 4 tells me to take a deep breath and it’s okay. She says her papa talks to her in her head. And always says he loves her. Then she told me that he loves me and not to cry. Sammy who is two runs to get me kleenex. Sweetest baby girls ever. But my husband past suddenly and I thank God I was there. I had gotten back from the grocery store, my husband was recovering from a surgery. He had a tumor removed from his pituitary glad. It wasn’t cancer but it effected his eye sight. My husband had 20/20 vision. When he couldn’t see out of his right eye that is when they found the tumor. It took 3 surgeries to get it all. He had been doing great. Been home for 3 weeks. But as I was saying I had gone to the store, he asked for pepsi, which I brought him. But then he started breathing hard. I asked ohm what was wrong. He said he couldn’t breathe. I always carry my cell phone on me. Called 911. He told me no. I told the lady what was going on and I would take him to the hospital. I hung up. But a second later he did it again. I called 911 the lady told me to lay him on the floor. My Willie was in his recliner. Don’t know how I did it but got him on the floor and did CPR till firemen came. I think if I let them come the first time would he be here. Even though they said the few seconds wouldn’t have changed the out come. But loving husband passed with me. I don’t know if any of you believe in mediums but I found a great one on James Van Praagh web site. He is well known. I e-mailed natalie who he recommend. Never told her why I wanted to speak with her. She had no idea I lost my husband. She wasn’t even aware of my last name. But when I spoke with her she paused then said that I lost my husband. She told me things she couldn’t have known. I had a reading with her on thanksgiving morning with our kids. She said he was saying berry farm, then knotts berry farm and fun. My husband and kids took me there last may for my 50th birthday! She said many other things to me and the kids that made us true believers of life after death. It’s still very hard for me everyday, but I do know Will is happy and with us. Reading a lot of books many of them about life after we pass on. And I’ve also seen Will in a few of my dreams. I know that he is trying to communicate and I’ve understood , some. But it doesn’t always. Just be open and your husband will come through. Maybe with your favorite song, or you will hear his favorite saying come out of your grand child! That was surprising but sweet. I know I’m rattling on, sorry, but it helps. Four months on the 28th. Life really is hard. God bless you wonderful people!
I found this site by searching for an answer to what todo when my husband dies.Likesome of the other women, I need tovent,and look for some kind of answers, or soalce. My husband had congestive heart failure, along with bronchitis and many other health problems from vietnam. He told me once he was “due”for another heart attack. I didn’t believe him. The night he passed, I thought it was just bronchitis, as that’s what the dr said. I gave him his medicine for that, and it made him fall asleep. So I thought he was just needing sleep and went to bed. Then I find him cold @4am.christ! do you know how much guilt I have for not calling 911, or taking him to the hospital? all the shudas,culdas,what if, if onlies I live with. Even the heart dr called me and said it was nothing but his heart. right, that’s supposed to make me feel better? I go to his grave once a week, and talk to him and wish he would come to me and say he forgives me for not getting him help.
OK Ladies, my turn
First, dear Kathy, I was trying to be funny when I said I wanted to phone my mum, but she wasn’t home. They don’t have telephones where she went, as she died 4 weeks before my husband did. I’m trying to say that I needed my mum, but she is gone just like my husband, and I needed him too. Sorry I should have explained for the new ladies.
Now the rest of you. Deb1ie warned you, if you are of the faint heart, don’t read her post. But you went ahead anyway. I too get frustrated at some of you ladies who have got stuck on your journey. Yes it may take some longer than others to get over losing their cherished partner in life, but I think (and I’m sure she will correct me if I’m wrong), but I think Deb1ie, wanted to tell you, LIFE IS FOR LIVING! It doesn’t stop just because your soul mate has left this earthly plain, it keeps going as should you. It is frustrating to hear things that you will never do again, because you don’t have your husband physically here to do it with. I know the pain of doing something you both enjoyed might cause some tears and anguish, but above all, be strong and challenge yourself to do it, because your husband would certainly have wanted you to.
Deb1ie, is well into her journey and some of us cope with it better as time moves on. Unfortunately we can not judge others by our own standards and when it does get frustrating for those a little faster off the pace, then words of wisdom rather than frustration are what we need to find.
Deb1ie my dear sweet lady. You are welcome here, you know that. This site is here for ladies who need other ladies who have felt the pain of losing the man they love (or woman). It doesn’t matter if you have said your vows before GOD, or only to each other. The pain of losing that special someone is as real for us all. For you ladies who don’t believe that, SHAME ON YOU. When you go to church this Sunday pray for all the lost souls, whether married in law or not.
I want to be angry at all of you, but I can’t. Deb1ie had something to say, she warned you, that you weren’t going to like it. That is the point of giving your opinion, that we are all free to do so, whether other’s like it or not.
I’ll leave you with this Ladies:
do not judge others by your own standards, we are all individuals and handle things differently. Tactfulness would be great, but sometimes you’ve just got to say it and from the heart.
This may be called a site for widows, but don’t think for one second that excludes ANYONE.
I’m sending out calming thoughts to you all, strength for those who need it and a little push for those who are a bit stuck on their journey.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello Ladies,
I don’t post much but always read how others are doing. I think we are all aware that life goes on and is for the living. It’s just that we are no longer sure of where our lives are going and how to carry on living without our husbands. I have been coming to this site now for 3 months and can see the progress of many of the ladies who post comments and it is encouraging. I’m sure we are all doing our best to sort things out. I must say I was surprised? by the post from deb1ie. Not sure who it was directed to but it seems that most of the ladies here are no where near seven years since losing their mate. I do hope that if I get to that stage I won’t be inclined to come back and accuse women of being “self indulgent”, “wallowing in their grief”, and “feeling sorry for themselves”. To deb1ie: I’m guessing you’re doing OK now and I wish you well. I think after 7 1/2 years have passed, I too will not need the support from this site. If you have something useful to say, by all means let us know. But if you only want to belittle the ladies here who are stuggling, please give it a rest.
GerryB….very well said. I applaud you.
I applaud both of you, GerryB and Karen. We are here to be supportive, not destructive.
Reading the current posts, I now understand deb1ie
so much better now. I had thought maybe it was someone who’d never lost anyone and did not understand. I firmly believe that some get over it and carry on but for others they may never totally get over it. It is a ymmv thing. Different folks react different ways. In March it will be 2 yrs since I lost my darling Mike. I can say I have not healed and am nowhere near ever healing. Yes, I am getting a little more used to things but I will never totally accept his passing or get over it. It was such a shock, a shock that has my whole system still in shock and disbelief. Some days I do better and others are horrible for me. But I think I am doing a whole lot better than I thought I would ever do and I think Mike is proud of how well I have carried on without him.
Before Mike passed I thought if he ever passed I would never be able to shop again or buy clothes or go places other than church, the drs, grocery store. But here I am having joined a crocheting/knitting group at my cousins church, still going to the bluegrass jams I play in every month and going out with friends. Last nite after going to the drs (an all afternoon affair as crowded as his office is) I met a coupla friends for dinner. Mike would be glad I am hanging out with my friends still. I think he’d be proud of how I am hanging in there. I’m not healed and probably will never be but I feel like I am maintaining and surviving. I know Mike is looking down on me. And I can feel the supportive vibes from you all. So I’m kind of in “I’m hurting but I am alive and hanging in there as best as I can considering” mode.
Hopefully things will calm down on here soon. Hope folks don’t leave as this is a good site. You all are an inspiration to me. I can come here and know I’m not the only one going thru this. Thanks to Corrine for having this site. If Mike were here he’d love to meet you all. I’ll be a 2 yr veteran. But it’s like a veteran of a war with an old war wound. You have that old war wound hanging around and it hurts. But somehow you hang in there and survive day to day. Hugs and prayers for everyone…
Hi everyone, I am new here, I’ve been reading the posts for a couple of weeks and it does help me to know I am not the only one grieving for a lost husband and best friend. My Chuck went to bed on January 28, 2011, he had been drinking beer and as a result he snored all night. I laid there all night tossing and turning and I reached out to touch him several times to try and get him to roll over, and as I had done a hundred times before, I was telling myself that this was it, we were getting separate beds, i couldn’t take his snoring anymore (I would never have really done it). I got up at 6:00 and shut our bedroom door and went to sleep on the loveseat. I woke up once and heard him snore and thought “good lord i can hear him through the door”. I fell back asleep, awoke at 9:20. The house was so quiet, and Chuck never sleeps that late, I walked into our room and said “honey it’s 9:30″. He was on the bed with the covers thrown off of him, I touched his arm to wake him, and at the same time i saw foam coming out of his mouth. I screamed for our son to call 911. I knew as soon as i touched him that he was gone. My son and I somehow got him onto the floor and i did chest compressions on him as best as i could, I kept screaming his name, I honestly thought that if I could scream his name loud enough he would hear me and come back. I couldn’t give him any breaths because his mouth was full of blood, i tried clearing it, but it just filled back up. My Chuck was only 49 and had no health problems, this was completely out of the blue. How the hell does a healthy 49 yr old man go from snoring to dead that fast? Doctors said either a heart attack or an aneurism. He looked like he was sleeping, I tell myself he suffered no pain. I am so consumed with grief that I can’t even function. I think the craziest thoughts, like “how can he be gone, all his stuff is still here, his truck, his clothes, his family, we have plans, he can’t be gone for good, he just can’t.” It was truely love at first sight a little over 19 yrs ago for us. We loved each other completely. He was truely my best friend, when he wasn’t working we were hanging out together. We have 1 child still at home, he turns 18 in April and graduates high school in May. After Chuck’s visitation I laid in our bed for 2 days, not eatting or drinking and when i would be grieving so hard for him, i honestly felt all I had to do was “let go” and I would be with him. Death is not always bad, not if it reunites 2 people who love each other. But i have a duty to see our youngest through college and help him get established in the world. Right now I tell myself that I will somehow survive for 5 yrs, that should be enough time to get our son established, with his own life. I feel every second of every day slowly tick by now, just making it through another week seems impossible. I never know what to say when people ask how I am doing, I know i should give a nice polite answer that doesn’t upset them, but I always want to say “well my husband is still gone if that’s what you’re asking.” Some of my family keeps insisting I need to get some pills from the doctor, something to help numb me, but i say that pills won’t bring him back and I know I have to grieve, but the pain is so all consuming, I am thinking of talking to my doctor about it. I am glad I found this site, maybe you guys can understand what I am going through. Right now I don’t even want to look people in the eye, I am afraid I will infect them with my grief, so I am pretty much in seclusion at home. When I do go out, i am simply amazed at how life just goes on for other people, I want to yell at them “Don’t you realize that Chuck McLaughlin, one of the finest men to ever walk this earth, the man who made me feel safe and loved for the first time in my life, the best husband and father anyone could wish for, is no longer here?” I miss him more every day. It is not right that Chuck is somewhere I am not, I am his wife I should be by his side. How is it even possible to go on living with a pain this great? It seems to sink in a little more each day, which means this unendurable pain is actually getting worse. I don’t know what to do, how to handle this. I need help.
I know what you mean. My husband Charles “Redwolf” died a month ago. I thought he just had bronchitis, that’s what his dr said, he was taking rx for it, he went to sleep, & never woke up. He also had copd. He was 65. a vietnam vet. he many health problems from there. was in a lot of pain. all the time. I think like you, I want to yell at the world, my husband is dead, why should I be happy. What am I supposed to do now without him. now reality sets in. he had a car loan a beautiful mustang. no insurance on acct of his health problems, both our names are on it. But I can’t take his name off our joint acct until I PAY off the car loan, shit! Who’s getting the credit here? He owes too much. he just bought it last year. g.d. it all to hell. I need to sell his harley so I can pay off my car, & i’m still waiting on the va to see “if I’m approved”. the g.d. waiting game.
I so Sorry Kathy, A little over 2 yrs ago, Chuck bought a 2004 Harley Roadking. He had always wanted one. He came home and asked me if he could buy a motorcycle, I said not NO but HELL NO. He said just come look at it and now I am so glad that he did get it. We used it as a trade in on my first ever new car last November, but at least he had it for a while.
My husband had motorcycles all his life. He was a very careful driver, & I felt safe with him. I felt like the queen & he was the king, when we were riding. what a thrill! I will miss riding.
But now Ihave to sell the Harley to take care of some bills. It’s too big for me to even attempt to drive. Which I don’t know how. I loved riding behind him, holding onto him. what a thrill!
Oh Marian, I feel your pain. My husband of 25 years died Dec. 19, 2009 from a sudden cardiac arrest. He was home with our 2 youngest children (15 and 10 now) and I had just spoken with him on the phone a couple of minutes before I drove into our driveway to find him in the stairwell. He was still alive and I thought he was having a stroke. I relive that day EVERYDAY wishing I could have done something more to help him. I remember thinking I want to live only 16 more years at the time which would be enough time to get our 2 youngest through college, etc. I don’t feel like that today. All I can tell you is the pain sort of numbs you but never really leaves you and I do find good things about each day to celebrate–even if it’s only the sun is out today and it’s not snowing!
Peace and Love,
Lori
Twitter: miraclady
February 22, 2011 at 8:50 am
Dear Ones -
Thought I would let you know that I removed that post from Deb1ie -
The harsh one. Hated it and was just as offended as you all
were. I am a widow too. Or I could not have written this article.
I didn’t want any new people or those who had not logged in for a while to see it.
Also contacted her personally to advise that this is not a place for lectures and criticism. We have all had enough pain without someone here – where there is only safety – and love and forgiveness and support – attacking us.
I will watch carefully. And don’t you dare leave us – ANYONE.
We all need each other.
Love you all,
Corinne
Thank you so much Corinne. Grieving is very personal for all of us.
Twitter: commentluv
February 22, 2011 at 6:51 pm
Thank you …….I am so glad i found this site and i have met many wonderful ladies on here, that liten, love me and support me.
I thank you, too, Corinne. We’re all struggling to deal with our feelings, but need to respects the feelings of others at the same time.
Hello everybody,
As I stand outside my little yard…looking at the sky, breathing…I give thanks to my Barry for the love that we found in each other. It is three years later. March 1st would be Barry’s birthday. I miss him. He was one of a kind…someone out of a story book…quite a character. My heart fills with love. He makes me smile all the time with remembrance.
I just bought a bunch of vegetable and herb plants for my garden…I remember how Barry…because he was a builder…that we had to drive in stakes, with strings and bringing out the plump line. He just took the fun out of gardening…I look at him and shook my head and smile.
I loved him so much. He told me that I was the only one that really understood him…that I Got Him!!! I will always treasure that. I am trying not to cry now. Is it saddness because of the loss or is it because we bought so much happiness to someone else? Yet, Barry will always be with me.
Yes, I go though stuff…what I should have said or done…But guess what…My Barry knows. He came to visit me in the beginning within three dreams. He apolgized to me for leaving me…because his body gave out. His spirit lives on!!!
I do not know what the future will bring, but to me the most important thing is to keep working on LOVING…keeping our hearts open. We have to be ourselves, also…that is why we are loved….we learn our lessons and grow. We are being.
So have Faith and we will support each other thru this. The time does not matter at all. It is about the Love…that we gave and shared.
I send my love out to all. I am taking a step at a time…one day at a time.
Try each day to be positive…see the beauty and wonders of life…give Thanks.
Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Evening Ladies,
To those who have got angry over the past few days, because of the posts, then read as far back as you can. It is enlightening to see how this site has grown since Corrine started it. We even welcome all Ladies and even Gentlemen who have lost a loved one, or are facing the possibility of losing a loved one, and not all of us have done so through the “sanctity” of marriage.
I am a widow, it has been 15 months (almost) since my husband died of Motor Neurone Disease. He was 46 years old. It is 16 months (almost) since my mother died from Lung Cancer. At the time of Martin’s death, I was 6 days away from my 40th Birthday, and I sent him to the fire the day after my 40th Birthday. We were married for 13 years 113 days. I spent the first year, wallowing in my grief. It was a new experience for me, and I am the type of person that relishes in new experiences, but it was a big learning curve, and it gave me a lot of irrational thoughts, poor decisions and eventually realisation.
I moved back home (in with my Dad), and I have all my husbands personal to him stuff in storage. I’m not ready yet to start selling it, although I’m sure I will one day. If I had not moved in with my Dad, I would be dead.
On the 1st aniversary of Martin’s death, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I had gone through this sub-conscious feeling of a year of mourning, but just before that I went to Spain for a whole week on my own. It was the first time I had been out the country since a child. It was a lonely time, and one of new experiences but it gave me a bit of breathing space and time to think.
2011 for me is going to be a year of opportunity and little adventures. I am not going to let anything pass me by. I cry almost every weekend, I don’t sleep at all well, but I do one thing every day. I smile and when I feel lower than usual, I try to laugh (try really hard). Life sucks without Martin, but it’s the life I have now and there is nothing that will stop me from making the most of it.
There you go Ladies, that is how I ended up here. I might technically still be in my grieving stage (according to my husband’s specialist nurse this phase lasts a minimum of 2 years, I know medicine what do they know?!?), but I am here to help. Where I see some ladies not getting someone else’s point of view I will attempt to explain. Where I see the pain in the words that are written, I will try to help you through it. Basically, I’m here for you all, as much as you are here for me.
But, above all, I ask that you have a little tolerance and although you might get angry with some of the other ladies on this site, respect each and every one of us for who we are. Individuals with different points of view. Corrine, you stepped in and sent Deb1ie an email, and although she has been “widowed” for 71/2 years, it’s obvious that she still needs this site, or why would she keep coming back? I don’t agree with how she expresses herself, and I think she could impart her wisdom with a little more thought, but should we not point that out to her? If she is only coming her to cause pain, then she has a problem, but I think she does want to help, but hasn’t been able to see past her own anger and frustration to find the right words.
Anyway, I think I’ve said enough.
As ever ladies, be here for us all. Oh and by the way, I ‘m still looking for your opinions on my dream about Yuri the Russian!
Much love, peace and strength.
Normaxxx
When my husband was told that he had a limited life expectancy he declared that he was going to start living each day under the “Dan’s beautiful days” theory. That if you looked hard enough you could find at least one thing each day to make it a beautiful day. Each day he would tell me the one (or more) thing(s). As it became clear that the end was near…he told me that he wanted me to continue his “beautiful days” approach after he was gone. He assured me that he knew that I would be sad, and that I would grieve for him. But he also assured me that he expected that I would move on with my life in due time. He also said that he felt like he was letting me down. He told me that he wouldn’t go if he didn’t have to. That if he ever had a choice, he would choose to be with me above all else.
The only reason I’m saying all this to you is because for those whose husbands died suddenly…you had a different experience, but I have a feeling your husbands would want you to be living “beautiful days” also….So I try to find something each day-even if it’s small-to make it a beautiful Day. It’s terrible not having him in it..but at least I can try my best to do that for him.(and for me too)
Twitter: commentluv
February 22, 2011 at 7:17 pm
I am so thankful for finding this site, it is great that we can all come here vent and share our feelings and get support from others, although
we all are in diferent stages of grief and i do believe that we al grieve in our own way and time, we can help others.
my husband athough he went thru so much in his illness, first a liver transplant in 07, then in july 27th 10, a kidney transplant in which i donate it to him, then other comlications came along, i lived at the hospita with him the last three months of his life, 24/ 7.
after many surgeries and being on the road of recovery,doing good, he was about to be sent to rehab that monday ,but unexpectly he passed away, the drs were shocked as how far he came after going thru so much, even being unexected i know it doesnt mean it hurts any more than knowing, it s all pain.
its been three and half month, on the 1st of march wilbe four on months, i wake up each morning like i have always done and thank GOD for another day of life, then i pray for strength to be strong and to take things one day at a time.
i know Julian would want me to go on in life, buts it hard without him.
we were best friends, we done everything together.
i am now learning to take care of myself, thats a hard job for me
thanks ladies for being my friends
Thanks to Corrine for all she does here. I can relate to Marians post. When Mike said he had trouble breathing and was acting like he was coughing up phleghm, dummy me thought he was choking on phleghm from having a cold. I tried to give him the heimlich manuver from how I had seen it on tv but to not avail. I thought I could revive him myself without needing the emergency crew and save us some money if they charged. So due to all that I called them after helping him and calling my mom first. What an idiot I was. I should’ve called 911 first then while they were on their way then tried to help Mike and call my mom. But in an emergency situation you panic and don’t think right. Butitsure sucks without him. I am doing things without him but some stuff I can’t do cuz no one to go with me and it’s too far to travel alone. Like go to his sisters family in Ohio. I am trying to cope as best as I can very day.
Hopefully Deb1e can come back on here in a more understanding way and see how this site is family. We are family drawn to together by the loss of our husbands. Welcome to the new folks and so sorry about your hubbys. Hugs to everyone.
I can relate to your situation. In a panic the thought flew in my mind I shouldcall 911, instead I called a neighbor tohelp me get himout of thecar, & he went to sleep in his easy chair. I thought he just had bronchitis like his so called dr said. Right. I kick myself every minute for not calling 911. only if, I had called 911 earlier than finding him cold in his easy chair.christ!!!!! How stupid am I? He says I was a good wife. If I was so good, then why didn’t I try to save him earlier. How can I live with the thought I should of called 911 earlier. AHHHHHH!!!!! god how I miss him so much.
It took the ambulance forever to get to us, it seemed like an eternity, I was doing the chest compressions and at one point grabbed the phone and screamed WHERE IS THE AMBULANCE? I will never forget the 911 woman saying “ma’am you have to calm down” I threw the phone and continued CPR. If there is ever a time to panic, having to do CPR on your husband is that time. I was functioning enough to try and save him. I didn’t even hear the ambulance and police show up, I was doing CPR, telling myself to do it harder–when a nurse did CPR on my mother, she broke 2 of mother’s ribbs, thats how hard you have to do it–and a man in a uniform walked into our bedroom and quietly said “I’ll take over now”. The ambulance bill was almost $2,000, the emergency room bill was over $1,000 and the emergency room doctor’s bill was almost $2,500–and he only worked on Chuck maybe 20 minutes. So now I owe over $5,000 (even with medical insurance) and Chuck is still gone. Of course at the time I would have given them everything we had to save him, but it is hard to swallow that I owe that much and they admitted that they never did get a heartbeat back. Like I said before, I knew as soon as I touched his arm, that he was gone.
It sounds like you did all you could to try & save him. I didn’t call 911 until I found him at 4:20 am & he was cold already, except for one arm, crazy me thinking they could bring him back to life. even when 911 said they could find no pulse. crist! That’s too bad you owe all that money. I am responsible now for his mustang debt, on account both of our names were on the loan, but his is first & he had no insurance, as who would insure him with all his medical problems? so now I still owe on my car some, & have to pay for his new “toy” mustang, plus mortgage & everything else. But his Harley is paid for. so I’m trying to sell that to pay off my car. so many decisions.
you’re all talking about the guilt…boy I hear ya there! It’s so easy to take on the blame. I try not to..but it’s definately there. My mom said to me, “You took such loving care of him, no one could have done better and I’m so proud of you”…and I said, “if i took such great care of him why is he dead?” we should try to forgive ourselves.
Thank you to everyone…you’re all helping me through this terrible time. I can’t believe it’s been 5 months since I held his hand.
I often think if I had stayed in bed with Chuck, or if I had woken him up earlier, or if I hadn’t shut the bedroom door, would he still be alive? But I can’t let myself think like that because I know, in that direction lies madness. And with a kid still at home, insanity is a luxury I can’t afford. And it doesn’t bring him back.
I do sometimes wonder if he is mad at me for letting him die. I hope not.
Me too, wondering if he is mad at me for not saving him. Some days I drive myself mad with thinking too much of the if onlies. I go and sit by his grave on Fridays, trying to relax in the peaceful air there. It is a National Cemetery with the sound of birds & deer around. I guess Iam still looking for some kind of sign to let me know I’m forgiven? or that nothing could of been done otherwise?
Night times are the worse.
Chuck was cremated. Its what he wanted. I was going to scatter him in our backyard, then I thought we’d mix his ashes with dirt and plant a tree in them. Then i read online that plants can’t use the nutrients from the ashes, that the ashes make the soil too acidic for a lot of plants. I need to do more research on it. I may just keep them until I am cremated and have a spot picked for the kids to scatter us together. My son said “yeah mom, thanks for giving us the job.” I would never have thought I’d be the type to keep someones ashes, rather than scatter them, but most of the time I can’t stand the thought of pouring his remains on the ground. I still haven’t decided.
Hi everybody,
As to the feeling of guilt…which creeps up once in awhile…I know my Barry is not suffering anymore. I saw him as he left…standing proudly…his shoulders straight…his head held up high…he raised his arms and took off. That is why I know my Barry is OK…he was able to be himself and whole again.
I saw how he suffered for three months. His last big meal was our Thanksgiving Dinner…we open our house to our friends and anybody that needed a place to go to. He started to loose weight…it was harder for him to eat…swallow and even hold down his pills that the doctors put him on. He was so hungry. I took him home from the hospital…I made him some scramble eggs. I heated up half a can of soup for him at one meal…he gobble it down, then he asked for more. I went to heat up more, but by then…he was so tired and went to bed.
God was kind to me…protected me with a haze…a fog. Everything was in slow motion for the first year. I could not even drive fast or be up on the highway. I could not remember too well of the painful situation.
It is only the beginning of the year of 2010 that I made myself to start remembering without panicking. Now I can drive up on the highway with not too much trouble. I still do not like to go too fast. Life is very precious…I do not want to miss any of it.
Barry’s ashes are with me still. I do not know what to do with it as of yet. My Pastor spoke to me about it that he and his wife can help have a service…planting a tree with his ashes under it.
I check on the internet…and I found out that it is illegal to just put one’s body ashes into the ground…besides designated places. The ashes cannot be just scattered on the ground or the ocean or any body of water. It has too be out three miles off the shoreline. They said one can go to prison for it. Does anyone know about this? Or is it controlling and making money…for someone else?
Oh by the way…Barry’s ashes are not fine…it is like very small peppers and it is heavy, also….maybe about two pounds or so.
I found a site on the internet…creating a coral reef for the fishes, etc. in the ocean…but it cost a bit of money…Eternal Reefs. I like that because it is a continuation of life. It is never the end. Barry lives on.
I will ponder upon it…meditate on it…giving it up to God and the Universe…then the answer will come back to me.
I guess I am not quite ready to let go all the way yet. Yes, tears still wells up in my eyes, when I think about how he suffered, but I remember how we loved each other and I can let go. It just takes a bit of work of myself.
I smile to myself…thinking about my Barry as to the s[irit that he is. His spirit lives on.
Thank you to all for listening and sharing. This site has made it easier for me to go on.
Have Faith and Believe.
Love to all,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
We didn’t cremate my husband & i’m glad, because I know his body is still in the whole. However, my brother just died a week ago,living by himself in VA, had chest pains, went to bed instead of going to the hospital, friends found him in bed,dead. only 45. There’s 8 siblings left, all over the country. My one brother Joseph who is a policeman in Jersey is making all the arrangements. They are going to cremate him, & bring his ashes home to Jersey. They’re planning on buying a block in a mausoleum so that everyone has a place to at least go to see him.
I’m feeling a bit invisible here, Ladies. I’m asking for your input, because I’d like to know what you think, but you don’t seem to be responding…
My strange possessed dream…Yuri the Russian…my old high school…
Much love,
Norma the Invisible woman xxx
Sorry Norma I wasn’t here when you explained your dream. Maybe you can tell it again? I noticed many were talking about cremation. I didn’t do that for my Willie. He is buried in his tux with a purple tie. (purple is his favorite color) so I wore a purple dress as did our two daughters and our sons wore purple ties. As word spread through our family many showed up in purple. That was great. When it’s my turn I will be buried on top of Will. Figured it took me this long to look like this it should take me just as long to be gone. I even have our stone being done. But I couldn’t have gotten anything done or had a more special service if it wasn’t for our four children! I’m blessed with a great support system. Not just our kids but our families. But still no one knows what this is like, except for you ladies. I still cry whenever wherever. Like now… Thanks for listening. Audrey
Hello, to all….
So many new friends here since my husband passed away May 7, 2010. Want to say hello to the wonderful ladies who pour their hearts out and help us all deal with great loss.
Corinne….Thank you, again, for this retreat we can all come to and feel comforted, supported and loved. You are our guardian angel.
Haven’t posted much lately since the holidays and, hopefully, some of you remember me. I read your postings every day and want you to know whatever you feel, the good, and the bad….it all helps us understand what this journey we’re on is all about.
My heart goes out to all of you and I truly relate to what you’re all feeling and the fears that are encountered without our beloved husbands. As for me, it will be going on 10 months since Bob passed away from lung cancer. Ten months !!! We didn’t know the correct diagnosis until one week before he died. The doctors kept telling us he had a fractured rib and when that didn’t seem logical, pneumonia. I knew it was going to be a devastating adjustment living my life without him but truly wasn’t prepared for the emotions, fears and emptiness that were going to be so much a part of my life from thereon. We were married, just shy of five days, for 32 years.
I’ve tried to move from here twice and both times, without being long-winded, it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve put deposits down on two different homes and “the moves” didn’t materialize because of short sales and disclosures. What a confusing, stressful mess it was to deal with. So, here I remain and that’s okay. For those of you considering moving from where you are, be extremely careful for you are dealing with emotion, confusion and fear. Just take things one day at a time and embrace your memories and love for your beloved spouse. Don’t try to make things happen when they aren’t meant to be. I’ve learned a lot trying to find my way through this maze of grief and learned “the hard way” not to make big decisions I shouldn’t be making. When you don’t know what to do….don’t do anything. Just “be.” Come here and just “be.”
I’m still looking back to what we were doing last year at this time. I knew by March of last year things were “not right” but I wanted to believe it was still the “fractured rib” that the medical professionals diagnosed for over one year. Little did I know last March he had only two months left. There are no timetables here or progress reports. If there were, I would fail miserably.
You’re all so special. I commend each and every one of you for your strength, support and love. What would we do without US?
” Mare “
Hi everyone, I was doing pretty good today had both grand daughters with me. One is four the other is two. But when I walked them out to the car with my daughter, they were talking to the sky. Saying I love you papa. Miss you! After they left I fell apart… Hasn’t been that bad in awhile. I love knowing they still talk to him, but as you all know this is hard!! Just having a bad night. Thanks for listening!
You hit this on the head–so true; I’m 8 weeks out today. You were so right on “Everyone is going to die except us so there is no rush.” I hate it when people as me ‘how are you’–I mean seriously? I know it’s a natural thing to say normally & people –do they actually want to hear I’m okay or that yes–I’m destroyed but still breathing for some reason-thanks….
Twitter: commentluv
February 27, 2011 at 8:44 pm
hello ladies.
had a ok weekend , actually my weeknds are the hardest for me as i am off then and Julian spent every minute of i together, doing things welovd to do, we loved working in the yard, and today i was out washing my truck like i do every weekend and was looking at the yard,i need to replant lots of flowers and in a week or so i am , and my 8 year od grandson said he wil help me , he got that green thumb from me, he actually was out movng theold flower pots, and dug up a old plant that died, he is awesome….
today i went to the cemetary, i stayed about an hour , taking up the old flowers and puttng new spring ones day, i sat there for about an hour just talking to Julian.
it is such a calm place to be for me, then after that i just sit outside on the porch swing that Julian made for me this afternoon, just thinking about so much,
all we can do is take this one day at a time my friends.
Sitting at starbucks…
I see an elderly couple.
The man leans in and says something quietly in her ear.
She smiles-her eyes twinkle.
He reaches over and holds her hand.
That was supposed to be us.
Twitter: commentluv
February 27, 2011 at 9:36 pm
i absoutly agree !!!
eight years together was too short but I Thank God for those years,
and all the wonderful memories i have of thm.
i always thought it would be forever,but what does forever mean?
i have a sister who has been 30 years, and i ask myself, why couldnt
that be us.
when Julian and i met on june 8, 2002, i had him from hello,
and he told me many times , that he remembers what i told him that evening -” your not going anywhere”- and he didnt we were together everyday since then.
here is a awesome song i want to share:
but be aware, its tear jerker.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oK8mGxcybxY
I have a question that I hope someone on here will be able to answer, or at least give me some kind of an estimate on. My Chuck has been gone for 1 month and 2 days, totally unexpected. I have horrible nightmares every night where I am searching for him everywhere and of course I never find him, the feeling of desperation, fear and just total hopelessness keeps building in me until I jerk myself awake. A lot of times I am already crying when I wake up. I have only seen his face in my dreams 1 time, around 2 weeks ago. I want so bad to see him in my dreams. Do you think this phase of searching for him will last forever? How long do you think it will take before I dream of him? I admit the enormity of his death is still sinking in, a little more each day, maybe that is why I am always searching for him, maybe when it sinks all the way in I’ll start dreaming of him? I tell myself that maybe it is because I am so full of grief and pain that he can’t get through to me…..But what do I know? Maybe there is no rhyme or reason for anything. All I know for sure is that I miss him more everyday, and I wish so bad that I would see him in my dreams. Has this happened to anyone else and did you finally start dreaming of your loved one? Surely God could not be so cruel as to take him not only from my life but also from my dreams.
Dear Marian – did you dream of your husband when he was alive? I’ve had 3 dreams since Martin left 15 months ago, with Martin in them. I don’t think I will ever get the dreams I want, no matter how hard I want them.
Nightmares on the other hand, are common. The shock you are still in, the what if questions you probably have, dare I say it, but the guilt you might be feeling, and the anger at losing the man of your dreams (or not as the case may be).
Try to relax, what did you do before your husband passed to relax? I know it’s still early, but by clearing your head and thinking of nothing, then you might, only might be able to settle yourself enough. But it might still be too soon, not for you, but for him. As much as he loved you whilst he was here, he has started a massive adventure of his own and he might need to settle into that before he can come and visit. That leaves you out in the cold for now. Patience, my dear heart. Unfortunately we always want it now, but it will come when you least expect it.
Come and speak to us again.
Much love
Normaxxx
Thanks for the reply Norma. When I read “As much as he loved you whilst he was here, he has started a massive adventure of his own and he might need to settle into that before he can come and visit.” I remembered thinking a couple of days after his visitation, how the kids and I no longer have Chuck with us, but that he doesn’t have any of us with him. I hope he is not having as hard a time adjusting as I am.
I tell myself to be patient, I know without doubt that Chuck loves me and the kids ( aged 17, 23, 26 but still “the kids”
and that if he can he will let me know he still exists, that he still cares for us, and that there is hope of a reunion one day. I know this, I believe this in my deepest heart of hearts, (but man it sure is hard sometimes….well actually, all the time.)
I am glad I found this place.
Marian
Twitter: commentluv
February 28, 2011 at 6:14 pm
Is this just happening to me or is everyone else experience this?
It seems like so many people who I have always been so close to in
The past before Julians passing, is now distant from me,
I understand they may not know what to say but alteast be there
For me when I need them the most.
It hurst to see this, I kinda keep to myself a lot, I dont ask anyone
For anything , if they come see me or call me , that s fine, otherwise
I be a loner or hang aroud with the ones who can help me get thru
My grief. , and I have met so many new people in my life , some
Like you who are going thru this same grief and some who are
Just great new friends.
Yes it seems everyone just avoids me, the neighbors who were half ass friendly now don’t come by. I’m so alone, my sister who is 1/2 crazy herself calls me everyday, I feel like I have to comfort her more. besides my husband dying, my younger brother died last weekof a heart attack @ age 45. he smoked,drank, & who knows what else. he shut himself off from his family, and now another brother has to deal with all the arrangments. all of us 8 siblings left had to sign a notary, since we are all spread out. (there were 11 of us) it’s such a shame, a waste and so sad. I cry all the time. I just go through the days like a zombie. doesn’t it seems like there’s a lot of sad songs on the radio lately, like they’re all playing them for us.? my husband was a great singer, and he sang many a love song for me. how can I ever go on?
Twitter: commentluv
February 28, 2011 at 6:49 pm
it will be three months tommorow,its been a long three months…
i was sittng a work today and started cying, but that is nothing new..
i cried on the way home too i get home, said i was going to get out and
mow the yard , i really should have ,but didnt instead i sat around and
watched tv, like i was looking for something to do, i use to rush home
to my Julian eveyday, now i am in no hurry to get home at all.
its like when i get home it like, something changes in me, like i am lost.
Twitter: commentluv
February 28, 2011 at 7:01 pm
OK ladies, here is question that i know some of you have i your mind like i do, and i am sure ther are some of you that have had this thought at one time or another in the begginning of your grieving process. ….
is thinking like this normal for us who grieve?
I have to say that i am very lonely without my best friend and husband, we done everything together , now i feel lost and lonely.
I am sure i am not the only one who thinks this way but is it normal to
be afraid of what the future holds for me, should i be afraid of ever loving someone again because i am afraid of experiencing pain again,
and is it normal to again ask myself, do i want to be lonely for the rest of my life, i a still young , im 48, and im afraid of gettin hurt again and i am also afraid of being lonely for te rest of my life.
does anyone else have these feelings?
sara- I DO TOO! I’m 42 and I have those feelings also.
Sara I think all of us feel like you. My nana never re-married grandpa passed 30 years before her. I told my mom I loved nana but she was grouchy. I don’t want to be grouchy…ha!ha! I sometimes don’t want to come home either, I think to what? I go and visit Will at the cementary a lot. I use a beach towel lay it on top of him. I tell him I can still sit on his lap. Which I did all the time. My brother in law and sister in law bought me this book its on the top sellers list. ” Heaven is for real” I started it late last night and almost done. It will give you so much peace and comfort. Ladies you should all check it out! God Bless! Audrey
I read the book, too, and agree with Audrey…. it is very comforting. Like Audrey, I urge you all to read it. Blessings, Jeanine
If that book is the one I just read about about the little boy who died and went to heaven and came back, I’d like to read that. Nearly 2 yrs later and I still have the nightmares. No nightmare but I dreamed Mike came back from the dead. Then I wake up and he’s dead again. I hate that…
Cheryl, I know what you mean. The kids come by and they feel the pain, not seeing their dad in his favorite chair. But I wake up to it everyday! I remember some awful details I would love to forget. So I read, read and read some more. And the book is about the little four year old. Great book! God bless! Audrey
Twitter: miraclady
March 3, 2011 at 7:21 pm
Dear Ones -
There seems to be an increased interest in the possibility of life after death.
Personally, I do believe it.
A few years ago, I did an interview with Dannion Brinkley, a best selling author, who had a near death experience on the “other side”
He was not a spiritual person. Actually, he was a gun for hire for any country who would hire him. A mercenary.
I thought you might be interested in the interview I did with him.
Fascinating, to say the least. Perhaps comforting to some.
Here it is – Just click on the link below to view.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/life-after-death-interview-with-dannion-brinkley/
Let me know what you think of it.
Love to all -
Corinne
Corinne,
Thanks for posting the link. It was an interesting interview, however, a little research on Dannion Brinkley uncovers a lot of information that brings his credibility into question. In my opinion, Colton Burpo is much more credible. I don’t think there is any question that existence continues beyond this temporal realm. The question is, what is the most reliable source of information about it? For me, the only reliable source of truth is biblical scripture, guided by the Holy Spirit of Jesus and God, our Creator.
Jeanine
Twitter: commentluv
March 3, 2011 at 7:27 pm
I just got the book ” heaven is for real”, about to start reading it.
sound very interesting.
***************************************
The things my husband use to do, I don’t even want to go anywhere anymore, Esp alone, I would feel lost being alone and awkward with out him at my side.
Our family is known to be party makers, I married into a parting family, and We were always going to a party here or there all the time, my calender would Be booked with parties from birthdays, 15′s, anniversaries, bbqs, so we were We always were together, I was invited to a company cookoff bbq last weekend, For a family member , I went but felt out of place, being alone , it seemed like
Everyone else had a partner to share the happiness with but me.
I do have this urge to get out and list to some music sometime but then I think So I really want to go alone, then I back out, first of all I don’t like being alone And then I do not want anyone to assume im out looking for someone, but I do need to start trying to force myself to get out a litte, I have to learn to Adventure out in life on my own, but its so darn hard.
I honestly think I feel deep down in side that I feel that I am doing wrong by getting out, I know some may say do it and some may feel just like I do?
What is your opinion on this subject and your experience?
My husband & I used to go every where. We lived for going out. We used to goto karaoke almost every Friday night, (our date night), We moved to Fl so we could attend bike events, so we went to loads of biker events. Then when he got to sick to ride, he got another toy, his dream car black mustang,which he sooped up. Then we would go to car shows every weekend. We loved to go places, now I went from a high exciting life to a nothing. I went to a car show by myself after he died & I felt so stupid, & cried all the time. I felt so alone. I’m not interested in going to karaoke by myself, I’m not looking for anyone else. No one can compare to him. Now, I’mso lonely & if I don’t find a job soon I might lose the house and everything. I’m getting anxious.
Kathy, I’m so sorry. Having to deal with everything is not easy. I have a real hard time talking about charges on medical bills, finding out I can’t collect his social security. Because I have to wait another 10 years. It’s so unfair. I do work, if you call it that I cook for a older guy and his room mate. Make some money. But finding work at 50 is a joke. They think were to old. My husband and I loved going to car shows. I love muscle cars. But don’t want to go alone either. Take care. Audrey
Kathy/Audrey
When it’s too hard to do things you used to do with your partners, perhaps one way of getting around that is to try something new, something that your partner would not have considered.
It is still so early for you guys to be thinking about these things right now, as it is so soon after your partners passed. Maybe you need to concentrate on getting the practical side of things sorted in your life and when you least expect it the fun side will come back.
I’m trying to say, it is not easy to suddenly be alone (whether you have kids or not, you are still alone), but finding things to distract you from the lonliness can help. Kathy for you finding a job is probably the most practical thing you can do right now, by finding a job you will meet new people and a new social network, and even some new friends.
Whatever you decide to do, remember we are here to support you through out. So if you have any questions, want some hints & tips, you only have to ask.
As to the “Life after Death”. A french philosopher, Descartes, believed there are 3 levels of living. The time before you are born, the time you live here on earth, and the time after you die. He believed that the soul could be immortal, but had no way of proving it. Sometimes the idea of a life after death is all you need. So if it helps, form the idea in your head of what your partner’s ideal of infinite living would be, and then make that idea the way you picture him. Remember also if he has not long passed, although he will be sad that he has left you, he will also have a whole new world to explore, so give him time to settle in.
Much love.
Normaxxx
Thank you Norma, I appreciate the kind words. It is soon 129 days. But it feels like forever. I feel in my heart he is happy. Our oldest daughter turned 29 on march 2. I planned on spending the day with her and my two granddaughters. But first I went to see Will and brought flowers. It’s the first birthday he will be missing. I was surprised to see our stone was put down early that morning. I cried it came out so beautiful, we put a lot of thought into it. So I took a picture with my phone and sent our four kids the photo. They text back but my youngest daughter called. So I was talking to her about it. A guy goes about 20 feet away to visit another grave site. I think his mother. But I wasn’t loud I was somewhat emotional. Within a few minutes he walks up asks if I was getting off the phone? I said excuse me? I was kinda caught off guard. Was telling my daughter to hold on. But this guy says to me, we are in a cementary, ( like you can’t speak out loud?) guess I can come back on my next birthday. And left. I got upset, for one he was rude, and ruined this moment for us. What difference if I was on the phone with her or if she was standing next to me talking? My daughter said to forget it, but I still find it hard that people can be so unfeeling. I was there again this morning and they were cleaning up from another service, making a lot of noise, what would he of done then? Tell the workers to stop talking and working? Don’t think so. I just wanted to get that off my chest. Hope it wasn’t confusing. And even though I work I now have no health insurance I don’t make much. I had it with my husbands work,but its gone now. Just a lot on my mind. Thanks for listening. God bless everyone!
This post in memory of Mike Harrell who went home to heaven March 3, 2009 and was the most beautiful husband in the world. This post also in memory of everyones husbands. Hugs to all…
Hugs to you Cheryl. Those anniversaries are the toughest.
Much love, Lori
Hi Everyone–
Today my 13 year old daughter and I were talking about our annual spring cleaning and if we were still doing it this year. It’s funny how every routine item is now up for reconsideration. “Now that he is gone, do we still do___”
Anyway, I mentioned that it might be time to put some of his things in storage tubs. She just started Crying her eyes out saying that we couldnt do that because she always just tells herself that he is on a business trip. (!!) I guess everyone has their way with dealing with it, and she’s in the denial phase. Just makes me sad(der).
Twitter: commentluv
March 5, 2011 at 7:29 pm
Debbie,
how long has it been out since your loss, its been 3 months for me, i have not touched Julians stuff, everything is as is was, i occasionally look in side his closet andjust close it back, i do wear some of his clothes, i too
sometimes find myself thinking this is a dream , then i have to shake my
head and tell myself this s all true, hes not coming back, then the tears
start, i do think about how i could donate his clothig , but that is all i do is
think, but i m not ready for that at ll and not sure when and if i will be ready for that..
I kept personal things, & many “Harley” shirts,but have been selling things I don’t need, such as his work tools, Harley helmets, many (over 200) shirts, boots, etc.I gave all his regular clothes,the ones his kids didn’t or couldn’t wear to a homeless center, all the foods I didn’t like or won’t eat to a food pantry. I’m so organized. This doesn’t make me want him less, I miss him every minute of the day, however, I am practical. I still have all his pictures hanging, even made new enlarged ones. I go to his grave every friday & sit & talk to him. I try to accomplish something every week, still haven’t found a job. pretty soon Iwill desperately need one. I joined a grief share group. I have too many hours in the day right now to agnonize over him not being there.
It’s been nearly 6 months. The trouble here is that I need to start doing some of these things not only for healing, but also because I’m a practical person. I dont think I’m quite ready, but I’m getting close. I can feel it. I’m sort of a cleaner by nature.
And the big trouble is that she is so far from ready. So who’s “grief clock” do I follow? Hers or mine?
She would rather pretend he’s still here, and I need to start coming to grips with all this.
Pretending he’s still here does not help me.
Hello friends,
It will be almost 15 months for me and I have not removed one thing of my husband’s. His lounge/pajama pants are still in the spot he put them on the day he died. I don’t feel like he is just out and will be back, I simply don’t want to and am not ready to get rid of any of this things. I do think our 2 sons may want some of his suit jackets, ties, etc. His coaching jacket still hangs by the back door next to mine. In some way it is comforting to see it there. All I’m saying is do these things on your time. Love to all, Lori
Hi Lori, it’s 4 1/2 months for me. I still have his pj bottoms sitting on the chair in our room, his shoes by the back door. I don’t want to move them either. I guess it makes me feel I’m not alone. Seeing his things is comforting. The only thing I cleaned out was his top drawer of his nite stand. Because I sleep on his side of the bed now, and use the drawer for my journal that I write to him every night . It’s nice to do. I tell him about my day, what’s going on and how I’m feeling. We have four children all married, and five grandchildren. The younger ones keep me busy, I watch them 3 days a week. My one grand daughter is 2 1/2 and was with her mom at the pharmacy and looked to her right and said “hi papa” real loud. My daughter said no one was there! She probably really saw him which makes me really happy. I feel he is watching over us. Reading your message and all the others from you wonderful women, makes me feel not alone. Thank you for that! God bless! Audrey
Hi Audrey,
I, too, write to my husband every evening. I do the exact same thing–tell him about the day and how I’m feeling. I cannot wait to go to bed each night because I feel like he is with me. I LOVE the story about your granddaughter. Believe it that your husband is watching over you. I had many things happen to prove that to me. My 1 year old granddaughter (we have 4 children 25, 23, 15, 10) was reaching up towards his picture on the wall like she wanted him to pick her up. When one of us tried to pick her up she pushed our hands away and kept reaching for the picture. I know in my heart she saw my husband-her grandpa. I love hearing stories like that.
Love & hugs, Lori
Hi Lori, we have four children too! (36 stepson but Ive been his mom since he was six, always lived with us. 29 our oldest daughter, 27 younger son and 24 our baby girl) 5 grand children. The nice thing is my husband got to walk both our girls down the isle and was our younger sons best man. My one granddaughter who is 4 still talks to him. My daughter has walked by her room and heard her. She asked who she was talking to, and little Maddie looked at her (like duh) papa of course! Have you had any dreams of your husband that seemed real? I’ve had 4. Wish I could have more. My kids have told me of a few they have had, never experience anything like it. Seems so real. I’m so happy to hear your 1 year grand daughter wants her grandpa to hold her. They will always have a special relationship. My younger daughter made a hard cover book with pictures through out of my husband with us. He had so many sayings, we remember 363 of them, so they are in the book. ( we actually have remembered a few more) so all of the family and some friends have a copy. The grand kids love to look at it, when they were at the beach with papa or Christmas. We want them to always remember. And any future grand babies. God bless you! Audrey
Hi Sara, hope you are doing well too. I’m so sorry you had to spend so many months in the hospital. That is rough. We were there just over 2 weeks, I stayed every day and night with him. Kids came to visit I would run home shower check on things then go back. But Will did get to come home, and he was doing well for 3 weeks, then blood clot to his lungs. Still hard to believe he isn’t here, he was always strong and heathy. Always told me not to worry. We always said we’d grow old together. But God had other plans. Maybe for me to learn to be more independent and keep our tight knit family together. I don’t know. I wonder why am I here. What else do I need to learn? When I really just want to go home with him. I heard from a friend that this other person I know had said they have never seen anyone take death so hard! Losing a loved one is hard, but your spouse is tens times worse. And I told her that. Everything we did together and experienced together, for 30 years doesn’t just go away. Sorry don’t mean to depress you or anyone else, but it’s nice to say what I feel. Thanks for listening. God bless, Audrey
Twitter: commentluv
March 8, 2011 at 10:02 pm
its been three months and i guess i also can relate to that feeling that he is close to me,, like you audrey, i have sightly cleaned off his nightstand, just enough to put my phone on at night, thats not much space, but everything else on that night stand is just like he left it on his last day at home,august 19th,10, the night i took him to the emegency room, and he never came back home , after three months living in the hospital, who would know that day would be his last day at our home ,
his closet is exactly like he left it, his shoes are all stll in his rack and his dresser drawers have not been touched other than me using his socks , i sleep on his side of the bed and use his blanket, I have not touched his accessories in the bathroom, I will keep that all that way untill i decide to do differently and i do not care what anyone says, when the time comes i feel i will know, i still buy things he like at the grocery store and another thing that is different is that,Julian use to get up early everyday and drink his two cups of coffee and watch the news, , i would get up later and sit and talk with him about our plans for the day but never use to drink coffee, strange thing is that every since the day i came home after i left the night he passed, ihave a craving for coffee, and now every morning i get up and drink two cups of coffee, i tell everyone i am having coffee with julian.
i love this site, and love you ladies for being my support
Twitter: commentluv
March 8, 2011 at 10:16 pm
i just heard this song : LIVING ON LOVE…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3e2tcHs68A
Im trying to keep all those wonderful memories that are in my heart, tucked away to get be thru each day.
I volunteer for the hospital and Julians transplant dr asked me if i would do a video to be place on the hospital transplant website, and on utube, I was so honored to have been choosen and i went yesterday to do that and excited about it.
im living on the love he left me…
So happy for you! Your husband will be proud! Keep smiling! Audrey
My friend the singer is doing 2 nites in a row worth of shows in Hampton which is an hr and 1/2 from here. My folks went with me so I wouldn’t have to go alone but stayed and relaxed in the motel room while I was at the show. It was the best I have felt since Mike passed. A great time seeing my friend! He did some songs I had never heard before and told some new stories I had never heard before. The best news of all was that he met folks after the show and I got to talk to him. I told him about how hard it was losing Mike and the nightmares etc. He told me that Mike will always be in my heart forever and I know that is true. I told him I could feel him there. I told him I wanted to introduce my friend to him last time I went to see him but he took off and she never got to meet him and I would’ve loved for them to have met. He said he was sorry about that and hoped to see her next time. He seemed like his old self again. Last time I saw him he acted when I mentioned Mike like he was in such a hurry to get outta there at the mention of Mikes name. I know he hurt over Mike but here I was in pain and needed a friend. Oh well at least I know now he is okay with me and hopefully things will be back to as they were before except no Mike there. It was hard seeing an empty chair next to me knowing Mike should’ve been sitting there.
Ya’ll are so lucky to have time to go thru your hubbys things. The folks doing the remodeling of the house so I could rent it out, were in such a hurry to get it done that I had no time to go thru things. Idiot me was saving things to go to auction. Since stuff went to auction that I did not want to go, I should’ve been saving stuff for myself first. I remember giving some stuff to Mikes sisters hubby and kids and grandkids cuz I knew that might be the only time I’d get to see them and give them some things I wanted them to have.
I read something online that the 2nd yr of being widowed is just as bad if not worse than the first and that it takes 5 yrs before you can really start to heal.
Thinking of you all and hope things go better for you all. Hugs and prayers…
Hi there,
It’s been some time since I’ve commented on here. I am trying to figure how to “acknowledge” the anniversary.
Oh my goodness, there is so much going on. I have just finished recording a CD with 10 of my original songs. The first track is a tribute to my darling Joe. It is called “In shining Armour”. The whole C D is called “’til the sun comes up” … so you can see there is a lot of my personal life in this… It is a country CD and mostly up tempo and the musicians that worked on it were pretty excited about it thinking that the songs are good. So that is encouraging for me.
At the moment the CD master has been sent away for the mass production. I think it should be ready about the time of Joe’s anniversary. But I’m not sure.
The day after the anniversary there is a country music festival where a lot of the kids that I teach are competing… and me too…. its all a mind spin.
I know that Joe would have been so proud. He was always trying to encourage me to record, but it just didn’t seem like the right time b4.
I feel emotionally overwhelmed, and so alone. I want to do this music thing, but I feel like the wind beneath my wings is not there… I know he is there … but you know what I mean…. It is so hard to keep motivated – and often I just can’t.
The anniversary falls on St. Patricks day. I’m just not sure what to do.
Bye for now,
Niki
Awww Niki, I feel for you. Making the cd, he IS proud! I don’t know how I will get through that 1st. Anniversary. Mine isn’t till Oct.28. Worst day of my life. Yours being on March 17th, St. Patricks day is so soon. That is the same day Will actually proposed to me. I will be thinking of you, lots of hugs! Audrey
Hi There Nikki
What an achievement! You have come so far in such a short time. It’s nasty that St Patrick’s Day will be a happy and sad moment for you. I hope in my heart that you can turn it in to a happy moment, knowing that your partner is looking on you and smiling at your achievement.
Motivation is hard. I had to write an essay this past week for Uni, and I’ll tell you I lost the will (which is funny because the essay was on the will), but then I had a good cry (I was studying too hard and need my weekly greet (crying session), else I get a bit low), and my motivation came back. I have to admit I feel mental and physically drained after it, it was really tough. I thought at one point, “what the hell am I doing? I’m not clever enough for this.” and that made me realise that it’s the challenge of the thing that is my motivation, not whether I can do it or not.
If making music makes you happy, and you know that it made your partner happy, then for me that would be the only motivation that is worthwhile.
Stick with it, Nikki, and if it’s not taking too many $$$ out of your pocket, perhaps you would post a link to one of your songs, or tell us where we can buy it. It is something we can all share with you.
Inspiration can be hard to find, once you’ve found it, keeping the motivation needed to see it through is even harder, but the achievement at the end of it, is so worthwhile. (sorry I’ve been reading too much philosophy over this past week).
Good luck Nikki, let us know how you get on and on the 17th, we will ALL be here for you.
Much love
Normaxxx
I am having a horrible day. I went for an interview at a local newspaper for a graphic artist, even though I knew I didn’t have “enough” experience. What a anxiety ridden time. I felt like such a fool, I do much better doing fine art. I even won 3 awards at a state fair last week. I went to school & got an AS degree in computer graphic design, but that was 2 years ago. Unless I get more experienced, I will never get my foot in that door, meanwhile I will have to pay back student loans, even at my age.Then I call up the military to “see” what is happening with some kind of annuity pay? They still need a real copy of my husband’s last divorce. I sent them letters from his atty, deposition papers, & our marriage license. that is not enough, christ!!! So, I called a courthouse way up in VA & finally they will send me a copy for $3.50. I am so lost right now, so down. I feel like I am on the bottom of a dead sess pool. anyone else ever feel that way? I am going to a grief share program once a week.
Hi Kathy, I’m so sorry!! It’s so unfair how we get treated. Some people you talk to seemed to have no feelings. I’m blessed with 4 great kids. My oldest daughter, has done a lot of the calls and stuff for me. Because I feel when I try to explain I want to cry. Do you have someone you can count on to help you? I hope so, this is when you need family and friends the most. Take care, I’ll say a prayer for you. Audrey
Hi Kathy, you have got passed another milestone, good for you girl! Of course I’m talking about the paper work for your husband’s divorce, now you can get this sent away and it is one less thing to worry about.
You are right to think about more experience for the graphic design. It is always hard to get that foot in the door and I’m not sure how to help you with that. What’s for you won’t go by you, that’s all I have for it.
Perhaps tho, there is another option. If you are that good at art, why not try a different route. Tatoos. You could maybe put an add in the local paper offering to design a tatoo for people. Not your bog standard, but maybe something special that the person can take to the tatoo parlour. It will safe them time (the tatooist does’t have to draw it first) and it might save them a bit of money, whilst making you some. Just an idea.
Life sucks big time, and there is no way of getting you to feel better, other than being here for you. So pour your heart out baby, cause we are all listening.
Good luck.
Much love
Normaxxx
Most interesting article……losing my Hubby, losing my Love…..totally hard…..I am alone….but he is not physically gone…..as he has dementia…..I am alone though…..for he is really no longer here…13 years dealing with the “I am alone really”….vrs “he is not gone really”….
Hard to know what do to with feelings…..hope these comments are applicable to the subject matter…..being alone is so difficult…..
Take care all……………….
Cally,
Yes, your comments are applicable! This is all about the loss of our husbands, and you’ve lost yours through dementia as much as I’ve lost mine through cancer. Like Norma wrote, we’re here for each other, so please keep coming back whenever you want to vent, or reach out.
Jeanine
Hi Cally, Jeanine is right, we are all here for each other. Being alone is so hard. I keep busy as much as I can. But there are those times I’m driving home, I hear one of his favorite beach boys song (forever) and I cry. At the end of the song it says ” I maybe gone but not forever!” my husband had a blood clot to his lungs, it was quick and so sudden. Still feels so unreal. What ever you want to talk about we all will listen. Everyone is very sweet and caring. Take care, God bless! Audrey
How do I get over the fact of all the shoulda’s, coulda’s, if onlies. My husband had copd, bronchitis,had a heart valve repair in october, had just seen the heart dr the friday before he died. He was sick all weekend, went to the dr on monday, said he had bronchitis, (he should of put him in the hosp then) according to him many people had it at the time. He just gave himsome antibiotics. The day he died, he slept quite a lot, I thought he just needed to sleep, he had bronchitis, like a cold to me. christ if I had known anything I should of taken him to the hospital myself or even called 911 earlier. After he died I looked up on the net, & found congestive heart failure casues fluid built up in the lungs, & he was lying down in his easy chair. stupid me, I should of saved him. How can I live with myself, thinking how stupid I am for not saving him?
Kathy, None of this is your fault. I had exactly the same feelings because I kept thinking I could have done something better/sooner, etc. My husband died of a sudden cardiac arrest with no warning signs at all. I have many regrets and feelings of guilt that I could have saved him. I felt stupid I didn’t know what to do at the time and so mad at myself. Like I said to Sara, we have to be kind to ourselves and know this was out of our hands. We are here for you.
Love & peace, Lori
I was told my husbandprobably had a heart attack while he was sleeping & didn’t even know it. I thought he just had bronchitis. Then I thought it was the rx cough syrup, & so many if’s, shoulda’s onlies, coulda’s flew through my mind. But he told me not too long before he died he was “due for another heart attack”. I really think he knew and was preparing me for it. Even his cardiologist said his heart was weak. christ, What keeps me going these days now are the good times we shared, and I’m so sorry he was in such pain. I always wanted to “fix him”.
Dearest Kathy, oh for the power of hind sight. Those left behind are the unfortunate ones. We have to go this process of, why didn’t I do this, or why didn’t I do that. It’s part of the journey. You ask yourself how can I live with myself knowing I should have saved him. How do you know you would have saved him?
I’ve done it, I’ve gone through my husbands final days and wondered what if. But then I remember it’s too late for what ifs, because it wouldn’t have mattered what I had done, Martin would still have died.
You are not to blame for your husbands death, Kathy it is not your fault. This sucks big time, but you Kathy are not to blame. None of us are (with acceptions, but I’m trying to keep it serious).
It’s a low time for you Kathy, but we are here for you. Sending you much strength for this tough time.
Cally – Do what Jeanine says (in my head I call her Jeannie), came back whenever you need to. Loss is a terrible thing, but to loss the mind and not the body, I’d say that’s a tough one. My husbands body was lost before his mind, so although differenet, hard to watch. We are here for anyone who needs us. So we can learn from you and you from us. Much love and peace and strength for you Cally.
Normaxxx
Kathy, I go through the same thing. My husband had tumor removed from his pituitary gland. It took 3 surgeries to get it all. Not cancer but it effected his eye sight. That is how we new something was even wrong. He was home for 3 weeks. He had a blot clot go to his lungs. A few days before I made him go to the doctor, he had a pain on his side. Doctor said he must of pulled something put ice on it. I think ( later) how could he of pulled anything, he sat in his recliner 90 percent of the time. I wanted him to get up and move more. He would say no, his head hurt. I wish I MADE him, I wish I pushed the doctor to make sure it was just a sore pulled muscle . Which it wasn’t, it was the blood clot he felt. I still have the what if’s. But I’m starting to except that it was his time to go home to God. And no matter what I did the out come would be the same. That is the only way I can get through each day. It’s been 4 1/2 months for me, and I have a hard time everyday. I think this is my Hell. In the many books I have been reading they say you are here on earth to learn, when you are done you graduate to heaven. I talk out loud to my husband and ask him why he had to be so smart and graduate so soon? I always hated school, so I’ll probably be around here for a while. Ha! Ha! Which our four children are happy about. I know a lot of this might not help you. But I wanted you to know I feel the same as you. And it’s going to take us as long as it takes. How long has it been for you? I wish you the best, write when ever we are all here for each other. This site is a God send. Thanks Corinne. God bless! Audrey
Thakyou both for your helpful thoughts, It will take time I guess. It’s only been 2 months. I went to Daytona bike week for the day, by myself. ha! I drove Redwolf’s hot car, paid to park, walked to the beach, sat & enjoyed the breeze, then went sight seeing, which is people watching,taking pictures, lots of sights to see, especially the boot hill saloon girls. if you’ve never been there, it’s a show. Redwolf & I would go every year. We don’t drink, we just enjoy the music, sights, & atmosphere. It was a nice day. But I cry whenever I listen to the radio on the way home, all the songs he used to sing. Christ, will I ever not cry? This is a very good sight.Lots of good feedback here.
Twitter: commentluv
March 12, 2011 at 8:19 pm
Hi Kathy
it has been three months and i still find myseld asking the what ifs, the i haveto tell myself ,nomatter how much i ask msyself that it will not bring my julian back, just makes it worse on me, i also ask my self did i push him too much, for the last three months i lived there at the hosp with julian, trying to help him thru it all, even on his bad days i still pushed him to do thereapy, to get out of bed, etc, and i know he felt that we all were pushing him too much,was it just too much for him , did he give up, i cant explain the pain he went thru , i was not in the pain,but i know Julian went thru so much tojust give up on living, i do ask myself what if…. all the time.
here is a question for everyone………..
although i misss Julian so much, i feel lonely, i am not a social person and i volunteer alot and ithink sometime, will i be lonely for the rest of my life,i dont want to be but i feel there will not be anyone like Julian, is this normal ,ladies.
when im talking about lonely, i mean i miss sitting talking to julian,doing things together, watchng tv together, taking rides together, holding hands, etc, those little things in life with the one you love.
i dreamed of julian the other night for the first time, we were atthe resturant together,i woke up and realized it was a dream…
I often think there is no one who will love me…and then I need to remind my self of the other part of that sentence. What it really is… “NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME LIKE DAN DID” Which is true. Perhaps I will find someone ..but he wont be like Dan, and that’s ok.
5 Days before Dan died, he came to the table and told the kids..”Your mom is Luscious” and kissed me on the cheek.
He always made me feel like the most beautiful, desirable woman on the planet. And for anyone who would like to be crushed into a million pieces? Try going on Match.com…There’s one sure way to feel like you’ll never find the right person ever again.
Twitter: commentluv
March 13, 2011 at 2:03 pm
debbie,
your statement is so true……..
i think the same way, i dont want to be lonely the rest of my life,but i also tell myself there will never be anyone who will love me like julian , i guess we all think that way.
i guess God is in charge of that .
Your right,no one willever love me like my husband Redwolf will. Like you said, aday before he died Redwolf said to me, “you’ve been a great wife”. out of the blue. I really thinkhe knew he was going todie. I hurt for him to think he must of known. how can anyone live knowing that? he must of been so depressed.
& what do you mean on match.com. I took alook, but they want you to sign up, & I’m not ready for anyone for a long time. Of course I measure everyone against Redwolf, no one can compare to him.
Hello,
It’s been less than two months since my fiance’e passed. It’s been extremely hard living in our house without him. I don’t know what to do with all the wedding stuff I purchased….my dress, our wedding-party gifts, my veil, my jewelery, etc. It’s hard to imagine I’ll never get held, kissed, or touched by him again. We were so loving and I depended on that more than I knew. I’m not sure what to do with my life now.
Erika-Go easy on yourself. Putting one foot in front of the other and taking a little comfort in daily routines…Just my opinion. I know it sucks. :’(
Twitter: commentluv
March 13, 2011 at 2:28 pm
erika
i feel the same way. it has been three month since Julian passed, like you its hard coming home to the house we have lived in for the past 6 years of our 8 years together, like this song, this is the house that love built,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsBwih3X5Kw
we built alot of of love in this house, and its so hard to be here unhappy lonely, this house does not mean anthingto me anymore without julian, his picures all the house, his things have not been touched, like the song says “love dontlive here anymore.
my 8 year ol grandson said something to me yesteday, its amazing how i am a differet person now after julian passed, i dont care about so much anymore, my grandson said, grandma, can i tell you something and not hurt your feelings, i said of course, and then he hesitated , i finally got it out of him, said, grandma you dont do stuff like you use to before papa passed away,i asked him , what are you talking about, he said , i never see your kitchen a mess, the dishes piled in the sink, or your bedroom a mess, i was like, shocked at that he noticed my messy house, it was never like that before, then i explained that i miss his papaso much and that i dontcare abou t my house, or how it looks, he does understand what i am talking about and i should not be feeling this way but i do and i am sure others do to.
our bedroom is amess, his belongings are all in the same place.
its so hard everyday just waking up without julian
Erika, I’m so sorry this happened to you. You look forward to your big day. But he is in Heaven and one day you’ll have your big day. You’ll both be together again, I keep telling myself that everyday. But if you close your eyes and think of all the good times together, he is with you. But I know all that you are missing, we all know. It’s been 4 1/2 months for me, still hard and painful. Not going to tell you it gets easier, with time. Because we all grieve differently. Hang in there sweetie, will keep you in my prayers. God bless Audrey
My husband’s funeral was yesterday and everyone left today. I am 50, my son is 11 and my husband was 57. I’m so lost.
Sandy
Twitter: commentluv
March 13, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Sandy,
I can remember that day,that is very hard , we all feel all alone,
i am sorry for you loss and i will keep you in my prayers.
it s been three months and very hard every day
Thank you
Sandy, We welcome you with open arms and hearts. I am 49 and lost my husband to a sudden cardiac arrest Dec. 19, 2009 – so it’s been 15 months for me. He was 52. We have 4 kids (now 26, 23, 15, 10). The hardest part for me is seeing our children grieve.
Love to you, Lori
Has this happened to anyone? I was at a musician’s swap meet trying to sell karaoke equipment when this young man (probably in his late teens to early 20′s) walked by with a muscle teeshirt on & had gorgeous(?) black hairy under arm hair. He also had long fine black hair. My husband was an indian & in his younger days had beautiful long black hair. & still had a hairy chest & underarm hair when he died. All of a sudden it was like: where are you Redwolf, I need you, want you, miss you. ohhhhhh!
My husband died of massive blood clots to the lungs. He had a cold. When to urgent care on Friday and Monday. Got antibiotics, chest x-ray and an EKG. They sent him home Monday. Tuesday morning he started blacking out, coming back, etc. I called 911 and he was dead before they got here. The whole thing probably took a half hour. It is so wrong. My heart breaks for my 11 year old son losing a father. And now I don’t know how I am going to raise him alone.
Sandy, I’m so so sorry! I can relate! My husband Will was 64 had surgery to remove a tumor off his pituitary, not cancer. He was doing well. 3 weeks later, I had ran to the grocery store, got home, put stuff away. Asked if he was hungry. He said no, but wanted a pepsi. Poured it, then he had a hard time breathing. I called 911. Had to pull him out of his chair, do CPR. He passed with me. Blood clot to his lungs. I will never forget that day. It’s been 4 1/2 months. I myself am 50 like you. We have 4 kids, but all are married now. I feel so sad that your 11 year old son is without his dad. I will pray for both of you. The beginning is so hard. I know what has been helping me, I read a lot. I told the women earlier about a book I got. Called “Heaven is for real” about a four year old boy who went to heaven. It really helps. It just came out so you should be able to find it. Also I write in a journal every night, telling my husband about my day and how I’m feeling. Everyday will be tough, and it will hurt everyday, its only because you loved so greatly! Take care new friend we all are here for you. God bless! Audrey
Thank you so much. I can’t believe how similar our stories are. My son and I took him to the national military cemetary today. They have a small ceremony. They don’t let you see him put in the ground. I’m glad. We stopped for lunch on way home and had some really good discussion. He has had to grow up way too soon. Borders Books store was next to restaurant and having a going out of business sale. I bought three books on death. I have been reading them non-stop. They are so helpful.
Hi Sandy, was getting ready to go to bed, thought I would check the site. We had my husbands service at the mission San Luis Rey it was beautiful, a lot of people showed up mainly from word of mouth. The church is huge and from what my kids said it was full. You were probably like me, not really there. Hard to remember that day. The night before after we said our good byes, my two sons closed and lock his casket. Couldn’t even look. And at the service we didn’t want to stay either when it came to lowering it and finishing it all. To hard. Reading will help. I also had spoken to a medium. She did a reading for us on thanksgiving morning. She is wonderful, told us things she couldn’t have known. It really helped getting through the holidays. And I had my doubts doing it over the phone. But she is good. I will tell you all about it if you want. Try going to another book store for ” heaven is for real” borders won’t have it. Because they seemed to be closing everywhere. I wish you the best, this is the hardest thing we will ever go through. I am amazed how similar our husbands passed. I feel he is with me, not all the time like I would like. Take care, and God bless! Have a good night. Audrey
Thank you for replying. Yes I would like the name of the medium and phone number if you can put it on this website. I totally believe Dave is here with us and watching after my son Mathew.
What did the medium say about your husband?
Hugs to the new folks and everyone else on here. I can so relate. Now that seeing my friend the singer is over I’m back to my blah stuff. I miss Mike so much. The other day I had a nightmare about him. He kept dying and died. I keep screaming for him to come back and begging him not to go. I kept screaming for heaven not to take him and was screaming and crying. I woke up crying and calling out his name. So sick of the nightmares. YUCK! I know Mike wouldn’t want me to have them. Sigh.
We’re here for you all. For the new folks, everyone here is so nice. Welcome but so sorry about your hubbys…
Hi Cheryl, I am sorry you have these nightmares. I take some Tylenol pm to sleep at night. Just tell your self when it happens, that Mike is happy in heaven, and in no pain. He would want you to be happy. Take care! God bless! Audrey
Welcome to ALL of the new ladies.
Erika, what a kick in the teeth! I’m sorry but it is. I hope that you will come back and speak to us whenever you feel like it. Just because you had not gone through the civil ceremony, he was obviously the man you had choosen to spend the rest of his life with. Take a bit of time for some head space. We will help you here as you will help us. PS it’s also a good place to rant.
Sandy, strength is a beautiful thing. The same to you Sandy, be welcome here. Everyone understands the hardships of this journey, but you will find support in numbers here.
To ALL of you, strength being sent, peace being willed and much love coming your way.
Normaxxx
Thanks so much fort he good words. I know he is up in heaven, happy and pain free. I know he doesn’t want me to have those nightmares. I think I have them because it was such a shock losing him like that. Hugs to all…
hello everyone it has been a while since i have been able to get on here. I need your help yet again. I came on here because my husband of 13 years passed away and i have 2 small children. it has been 18 months on the 23rd and im just so angry inside, i have dealt with anger and my mom was such a major support. she and i spent everyday together, breakfast at her house between middle school and elementary drop off. every peice of fabric in my home has her hands on it. On March 4th she and i spent the day together, she left to go home (a 30 min drive) and she was hit head on by a woman on drugs and killed her. I feel i am back to 18 months ago. they died at the same time. and i found out at the same time and everything was just repeating itself. the difference is i feel i have been down this road, i know what to expect and im scared more than anything because i dont want to do it again. she was only 54 years old and she was my left hand. everyone has a time and i knew one day i would walk without her, but she was taken from me, just like my husband. but this time someone else is at fault a stupid mistake they made took my mother and my two babies and their Nana were just so close i cant explain it. i know i read before of someone on here loosing a parent and i know at 30 im younger than most but is this going to be the same? worse? the phone rings and i expect it to be her.. i didnt go through that loosing my husband. im just so anger inside, im scared to loose something else, to drive, man doesnt that sound silly. i take extra measures to prevent but i cant live that way, i cant live each day watching the oncoming traffic. im more sad and angery at what my children have lost than i have lost. i had my mom for 30 years, but they have lost 2 now so close together by traffic, they are just so terribfied to be in a car too. i need some help on what to expect and ways to deal with it… thank you all so much..
Marie, I’m so so sorry, my heart breaks for you. I can’t say I know how it feels to lose a parent. Mine are still alive, but in Alabama. We live in California. I have four kids all married. But our youngest son who is 27, was very close to his dad. (my husband passed 4 1/2 months ago) they talked every day, or saw each other. They even built a home together, took 2 years, so they were always close. He is still having a really hard time. I try, but I know I’m not dad. Talking to a medium helped. She told my son that his dad kept saying” the new game” which he and his dad called it. It started when he was a little my husband would tickle his knee, while he was driving. Any time they were in the car, my husband would say ” Jake let’s play the new game”. I tell you this because it made Jake feel better, and he always knows his dad is with him. Because the night before Jake even talked to the medium, he had gotten in the car and said ” dad let’s play the new game” and cried. None of us knew that. I know your husband is helping your Mom. And knowing someone else is reason she isn’t here with you, really is hard. I would be angry too. I still feel if the doctors paid better attention to my husbands complaints he would be here. But I know, that doesn’t matter now. Because he isn’t coming back, at least not in th physical sense. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Take care, write again we all will try to help. God bless. Audrey
Hi Marie
That will probably be me, but I don’t know if I’m going to be of much help. My Mum passed away 4 weeks before my husband did, and because I was my husband’s 24/7 carer, I didn’t have a chance to grieve for Mum, but it doesn’t stop me missing her.
My Mum was very hard work, but she was my best friend, just like Martin. Martin and my Mum were very alike, the same personality it was quite surreal at times. They both passed because of disease, although Mum was Cancer, Martin was Motor Neurone Disease (ALS over the pond).
The fact that you have lost your mum, in such a similar way as to how you lost your husband it is going to bring back those memories, the same feelings and the massive hurt that you felt when your husband died. But now you know how to cope with these feelings and I hate to say, that is the only difference between the two losses.
If the woman who murdered your mum through her callous and inconsiderate actions is charged, then perhaps you might get some closure. But we all know what the justice system is like, no matter which country you live in, that isn’t something to hold on to. If justice is served then perhaps you may see that as a bonus rather than expected.
Marie, I wish I can tell you how things will be, how well you will get through this tough time, on top of everything else. But I am truly at a loss for words. I can only say that we are here to support you, whenever we can, and even if it’s just to bounce your ideas off of, then at least that may help you.
Above all, get through the official stuff first, then you can think about the rest of the journey.
Regarding the children and car’s. It’s only natural, I’d be scared too. You need to get over the fear yourself because your fear will also transfer to your kids. Take them around to a friends/family walk or take the bus. Get in your car and go for a drive and soon. The sooner you get in the car the easier it will get. Then you will be able to help your kids.
I miss my Mum, I go through bad days and I wish I could just pick up the phone and speak to her, but I can’t. My sister feels the same way, so now I will phone her and she phone’s her daughter, finding someone else when you feel the need will help.
Come and see us soon. Let us know how you get on and remember we are your rock to help you get through this time.
Great strength being sent your way, huge amounts of love and peace for your aching heart.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi Girls,
It’s Kate. I just realised I needed you all again tonight. I probably haven’t written and barely read this since I started my new job here in HK in November. I have been run off my feet which is probably a good thing. But I just wanted to say Hi. Ruby is nearly two years old. April 13 will be one year since Steve died (out of the blue) aged just 40. SOmetimes I feel like I have been so busy getting on with life that I am forgetting him and disregarding him but I want him to know it’s the only way I can cope with this new world that onlookers deem unfathomable, and yet I carry it off with aplomb. I make being a young< new widow look easy, verging on enviable. But I still sleep with the last jumper/sweater he wore. His clothes are in boxes and piles, heading towards "quiltdom" but progress is slow, on purpose. His jacket now hangs on a hook at the front door so I can almost pretend he lives with us and I tell people constantly that I hope I meet someone new so Ruby has a father figure. Oh the confusion.
Ruby will never know him. A massive photo of him sits above her bed. We blow kisses to him at night, after I fly in to the apartment after a hard day at work or fly back from a trip. Should I encourage talking about him. I don't know. Does anyone have advice.
I'm sorry I have not been reading. But it feels so lovely to be in touch with you all again. In the last 5 weeks I have done our first anniversary apart, my first "Steve's birthday" without Steve and my first "my birthday" without Steve. More firsts to come.
Love Kate x
Hi Kate
I have been reading everyone’s post from time to time and was wondering how you were getting on! I lost my husband (only 49) just a year ago, I also have a young child just 5. I think you are doing amazingly well. How do you manage with a full time job and a 2 year old, do you have family nearby? I seem to be getting deeper and deeper in the gloom, I am not working outside the home and there is maybe just too much time to think about everything that has gone. I was thinking of taking prozac! Do you take any antidepressants or has anyone else got any experience with them (sorry to be personal) but I really do not want to start something that may not help. I just think you are doing so well and others seem to be and I feel I am getting worse. Anyway good luck with everything, The firsts are always the worst. I think it is good to still talk a little about your husband as it helps you and your child.
Love Beverleyx
Don,t worry, My husband passed away a year ago and I just had a huge sobbing attack, they come and go. A friend told me to take baby steps. Its like building a town she said, first the land has to cleared, the roads to go in, ect ect ect…… This is what I have to do, it will not all get better all at once. Take baby steps and care for yourself as well, so you can care for your little one. Mine are 27, 26 and 16 and all grieving differently. I don,t know any of you but I feel a bond…wierd Huh!
Angela
Australia
Hi Angela, I love getting on here too. It makes me feel better. It’s only been 4 1/2 months for me. Have any of you been asked out? I was, but said no, not ready. The guy is a friend of the family, and was hurt I said no. But I explained that I may never be ready. Didn’t want to hurt his feelings, just really not interested. Nothing like Will, and I know I shouldn’t compare but I was with him 30 years and he was perfect for me. Do you think I handled it alright? God bless! Audrey
Hello, I was asked if I was “over it yet” by some man @ a car show within the first month. I was trying to sell his car. I was only with my 2nd husband Redwolf for 9 years, but he was so much better than my first husband whom I was married to for 29 years. I also compare every man to him. Will I ever be ready? I don’t think so also. No one can compare to him.
I have a lot of grieving to do yet.
Twitter: commentluv
March 20, 2011 at 7:02 pm
audrey
i agree, all of us feel that we would never find someone like our husbands , and i dont want to even think of that right now, and i dont know what my future holds for me, and i try my best to leave i all inGods hands, he will led me where he wants me to be,
of coure i dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, but no where near even thinking of that and it has been four long and hard months, i feel a part of me is torn in two i am so lost.
i just went to the hardware store today, the one Julian and i always went to, and i was so lost.
i am praying for youall
I’m glad I found this website. It has been about 11 days since my husband passed. I just have a hugh empty place in my body that hurts. If I actually think about him it becomes overwhelming. My whole life changed in a matter minutes. My whole life was based on what we wanted together. Now I am lost. They days keep going by and it seems to get more complicated. My whole family lives 7 hours away in another state. I don’t know if I should stay here with my 11 year old son or move back to where I grew up. I just feel all alone. People have been great but it’s not the same as family. I know you are not suppose to make any big decissons the first year but I can’t help my mind from thinking about everything. Does anyone have any advice?
Hi Kate, boy I admire all that you have gone through. Yesterday was hard because St. Patricks day was the day my husband proposed, 30 years ago. You questioned if you should keep talking about your husband? I assume to your daughter? I have young grand children who are 6, 4, and 2. And they talk about their papa on their own. I encourage it, don’t want them to forget him. I want them to keep him in their lives. Our four kids talk all the time about their dad, so it’s the norm here. It’s only been 4 1/2 months for me. But going through Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas for the first time was real hard, but I know we needed to keep our traditions alive. He would want us to. Next month will be real hard, our 30th wedding anniversary. How did you do it? Take care! God bless, Audrey
Hi Audrey,
My anniversary was the hardest for me. We are here for you when that day arrives. You handled the situation regarding being asked out perfectly. You will know if you are ready–if you ever are. It was 15 months for me on Sat. and quite honestly it felt like 2. I have said this before, I don’t think I will ever date anyone again because I would just compare them to my Tim. He was perfect for me.
Love & hugs,
Lori
Hi Lori and all,
It’s been over two and a half years after my Don died from pancreatic cancer (in June 2008) and I know without a doubt that I shouldn’t date anyone because it wouldn’t be fair to the person… I’d always compare him with my Don, and he would suffer terribly in the comparison. Besides, I have no desire to date. Through constant prayer and the power of Jesus, I am learning to experience joy in my life once again!
Blessings,
Jeanine
Hi Lori, thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it. I plan on celebrating our 30 year anniversary on 4/11. All four of our kids plan to celebrate with me. It’s later that night that worries me. Get a lot of headaches because of the crying. This sucks. Thanks for everything. God Bless! Audrey
Next week will be our would ofbeen 7th anniversary. (Redwolf was my second husband, but much better than my first. I also live each day in grief since he passed away 1/13/2011. I have tofind things to do to keep myself busy or go crazy.I amgoing to join in on an art show. I’m having a garage sale today making room. I’ve kept personal & memory things, but big things I’m trying to sell. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him every day, I wish he were here. Now, I have to figure out what am I going to do with the rest of my life. where do I go from here? I’m soused to”being with someone”, I have to get used to being alone. It is hard to not be introverted, hiding in my house.
Hi Angela
I think it was very good advice of yours to take baby steps. I so much just want to ‘fix’ things and of course that will never happen overnight, if at all! Although I hope the future is going to be better, it is our only hope. It is so true to look after ourselves as well, otherwise we will be unable to help our children through this. It cannot be easy with 3 children of very different ages! As you say they are all greiving differently but I am sure you are doing a great job! I am just trying to take one day at a time and not look too deeply into the future as I find I start feeling very panicky! Good luck with everything.
Beverley
It will be a year since Paul passed away this coming Saturday. I simply cannot believe that it has been a year! I miss him every day and some days it still does not seem real! Is this normal? I keep busy with my grandsons and family. Friends are hard as they don’t understand and they want me to “change” who I am so I can “move on.” I don’t want to change who I am as I like who I am. I just miss my husband! I have met a man that I am spending time with. He is a great friend and I enjoy his company – am I wrong. My family has accepted him – he accepts all the pulls I have with helping out with my grandsons – as my son is alone with a 2-1/2 and a 4 year old – he is truly struggling. This man has also been willing to help me out with some physical things around the house that I cannot handle and has helped me renew my faith in the church – he asks nothing in return, except to spend time with me and have some laughs, go to a show or dinner or go for a walk. I like him as a friend but am not ready to look for anything else right now. He has been a calming force in my life as far as helping me cope with some trying times with my son and grandsons.
Life sure has a way of throwing you curve balls that are totally unexpected. I pray every day for strength to get me through this coming Saturday – I miss Paul so much – and am saddened sometimes as I cannot remember his voice. I kiss his picture every day and start and end my day telling him I love and miss him.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Karen, The year anniversary was hard. It seemed to me people were expecting me to wave a magic wand and whoosh–no more feelings. I kiss my husband’s picture good morning everyday too. I also have a candle with his picture on it that I light each evening. I promised him I would. I am happy you have found a nice friend. You will know if and when you are ready for a relationship. I believe we all are guided by God and the Angels on the path they have planned for all of us. I just wish I knew why they had to take our husbands when they did. I miss him terribly.
Love, Lori
Dearest Sandy – being lonely straight after the event, is very natural, and sure you want family around you, and friends aren’t the same as family but sometimes they are just as good. My friends and family all lived between 45minutes and 2 hours away, and still they didn’t come.
I felt heart achingly lonely as the months went on. We had no kids and of course I was the kind of person that found it difficult to ask for help. I knew about 4 months in, that I couldn’t stay in the house and contemplated how I was going to leave. In a box like Martin or on my own 2 feet. Thankfully it was my own 2 feet. I moved back in with my Dad. With my Mum passing we were in the same boat, although to look at my Dad he was having a new lease of life away from the big thumb that was mum. If I hadn’t made that decision when I did, I would be dead. I know this, and although it was tough moving all my stuff in to storage, being brutal when it came to what to keep, it was good for me.
However, what was good for me and right at the time, may not be good for you. Your family are on the other end of the phone, if you have a web cam, then arranging for a video call could be good for you. I know it’s not the same but perhaps it will help, for now.
I’ll be honest, if I were you, then I’d take a little bit more time. Speak to your son and find out what he would like, because moving closer to family will take him away from friends who probably are his support right now. It’s not going to be easy Sandy, but its all part of the journey. You can wait a year, or you can wait a month, but you have to do what is right for you and your boy. Remember also (i’m sorry I can’t remember), but if you have buried your husband or interred his ashes, then you are moving further away from him and he is probably not ready for that either.
Whatever you decide, there are good things that will come off it, but you will need to be able to see the bad side. Start by getting all the legal stuff out of the way first, and then you might be able to see things a little clearer.
Take care, sweet Sandy, come back and let us know your thoughts.
Much love and strength.
Normsxxx
Thank you so much.
Twitter: commentluv
March 21, 2011 at 6:08 pm
Hello Ladies
I am just past four months since my husband passed, I still feel so lost without him, It sometimes seems like A dream, then ihave to shake my head and tell my self its not a dream, he not coming back.
My days are hard and my nights are even harder. I just continue to pray to God for the strength to get thru Each day and let God guide me to what he wants for me.
I have many friends some who recentl lost their husbands and some who have lost them months ago and a year Or so , I hear so many stories, on going on, although I do think abou tmy future and how I do not want to be Lonely for the rest of my life, I am still not ready to even think about that at this time, of course, but I also Know several woman who have gone beyond the year or more and I hear the same from them,like I hear you Say, that they are either talking to someone or seeing someone, but yet not ready to really go on, I am glad
To hear that you are there but I guess it will never be the same for us that have experienced the great love Like so many of us have, I know life has to go on for us, sooner or later , I guess when the time is right, we Will know it, I don’t know , and who knows maybe a year from now, I might be saying what you are saying Right now. I am happy for you and anyone else who have found that . I think that when the time is right,
It will be a very hard thing to do but I also think that that man we meet , has to be a very understanding Man, has to be supportive of what we have went thru, that we may never get over our loss, and I know that
A lot of us may always compare others to our husbands, and no will take him place but maybe God will Just place someone in our live to help us down that road.
I wish the best for all of you ladies.
i just this site, i can come vent and everyone understands…
Hugs to you all! I dreamed Sun nite or was it Sat nite that Mike was alive and we went on an out of town trip and we ate at neat restaurants we had never eaten at before. Then I wake up and he’s dead again. I’d rather sleep than be awake if he lives in my dreams. Maybe I just dreamed him up…
Or Cheryl…listen to what the dream is telling you. Adventure is still there, and when you try something new, a new restaurant, a trip out of town, then Mike will be with you. He’s all around you Cheryl, and it’s only through your dreams can he tell you what he wants. Well that’s most definitely one way of looking at it.
Sandy, my dear sweet lady, you are most welcome. Strength coming your way for these early days.
Much love
Normaxxx
Twitter: commentluv
March 22, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Hello ladies,
Some days are harder than others for me, and sometimes I just start crying and cant stop.
Yesterday was another one of the those days,
I got home from work , and did not feel good, so I layed down and I think as soon as I hit the pillow,
I was out, woke up like 2 1/2 hours later, stayed up a while and went back to bed about 11pm,
Although I could not go to sleep, they tears just started pouring , the thought of when I was living at the
Hospital with Julian came back to my vision, remembering how he felt so helpless but I was helping him Take a bath, comb his hair, changing his bedding, and cleaning him up after he could not get out of
Bed, he even told me several times, he felt helpless, but I always assured him I was there for him, no Matter what , thru the thick and the thin, I was there
I haveso much on my mind, y fnances are just not enough to take care of everythin i dont want to loose house, that juian and i worked so hard to gt, the bills kep coming in the checks just isnt enough, i really have to find a part time to just makeit and have a dime left.
i just dont know anymore.
i just wish i was with julian right now
Oh Sara, I have had many of those days. I still do at 15 months. They can come out of blue for no apparent reason sometimes. It hasn’t been that long for you. Be kind to yourself and know we are all here for you and know exactly what you are going through.
Love and peace, Lori
My name is Norma and I’m a widow.
I’ve taken tomorrow (24th March) off work. Firstly it’s my Dad’s 71st birthday and it will be nearly 2 years since he died for 10 minutes and decided he wasn’t finished with life yet. He has just been given a clean bill of health, if a little overweight (hence the salad with fish tonight for tea), and he is looking forward to reaching another birthday.
However, tomorrow is also my Martin’s -2 birthday. I like the idea of using negative numbers to mark how many birthday’s or aniversaries he has missed. Martin should have been 48 tomorrow. It would have been a nice quiet day, whilst I was at work, and then a beautiful steak diner with some nice wine, and a wee dram or 3 of a fine single malt. Instead all his earthly existance has to look forward to is his burgandy plastic urn, sitting next to my mum. Thankfully tho, where-ever his immortal spirit has gone (because Martin believed in that sort of thing), he is probably have a right old laugh, plenty of his favorite things and a couple of 21 year olds to keep him company (our joke was to trade me for 2 half my age).
Last year, Martin’s birthday was tough. It was the first birthday without him, I would say it saved me a fortune but I spent it on my Dad instead. I hope this year will be OK. Things are getting better but it’s “THOSE” days that put a spanner in the works and set you back again. I will let you know on Friday how it goes.
Much love
Normaxxx
Norma, I will pray for you. Tomorrow will be hard, I haven’t experienced his birthday yet. But have gone through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and the anniversary of the day he proposed. That day was actually one of the hardest. It will be 5 months on the 28th. I spent yesterday with my younger son and his wife. It was the first time my son saw the stone. He is having a real rough time. They were so, so close. But we went out had a nice day. But as I drove home I just cried. Thinking, of going home to what? He isn’t there. My oldest son is separated, so he has moved home for a while. So I’m not completely alone, just isn’t the same. I’m so glad to hear your dad is doing well, that is a blessing. Take care, God bless! Audrey
Norma, I love you lady. You are always there for each of us–I will be right there with you.
Love & Hugs, Lori
Twitter: commentluv
March 23, 2011 at 8:12 pm
thanks ladies for all your support an love.
i had another one of “those” days, i cried almost all day,
i feel sometimes i just wish i could go to Julian, i just want to be with him,
i feel my pain is never gonna go away, never.
i have lost my dad in 1991 and mom in 2004, and that was a different kind of
love, but to loose the love of my life my best friend,my confidant, my everything is harder than ever.
i hate being alone.
i dont sleep much but just about everynight i cry myself to sleep.
i just cant understand how he has to be taken away from me, and so many others have their loved ones for 5, 10 15, and 20 years.
that iswhat i wanted , and yet only got woderful years together.
oh i miss him so much andnow ill try to go cry myself to sleep.
goodnight ladies
Sara, it will take time, I know we have all heard that one. On the 28th will be 5 months for me. I do still cry a lot, but I calm myself down and stop. Because I know my husband would be very upset with me, he hated it when I would cry. I know he watches over me, don’t what him to see me crying all the time. And I know he is happy and not in pain. You need to keep telling yourself that Julian is happy. There is no more pain for him. He wants you to learn to smile again, he has faith in you. I’m sorry you didn’t have many many years with him, but he is with you spiritually. Not the way we want it, but one day we will be with our husbands and learn why they had to go earlier then us. Take care. God bless, Audrey
My husband was a very great karaoke singer, he had such a voice. Years ago I recorded him practicing songs before we went out. Today I found the tape. I’m trying to make copies for his relatives. All the memories come flooding back, & it’s almost as if he’s here. Then I went to work out and came back to what? an empty house. I am so down tonight. you’d think I would become used to it by now? Will I ever? I feel like my wonderful life is over. I am so lonely, but I don;t want anyone to know so no one will take advantage of me. Already someone wants to “borrow” my harley clothes, etc. If I even talk about what I have, it’s oh, I’ll have to borrow that sometime. How do I respond to that other than to say” forget it, no one borrows my stuff & stop trying to “get everything”. My husband had “balls”, I need to get some. ha!
Twitter: commentluv
March 24, 2011 at 6:16 pm
Audrey,
thank, i know its hard to stop crying sometimes, but i try my best to calm myself down, by smiling at the wondeful memories i have, the sunshine from those memories and my tears should form a rainbow.
on the 1st it wil be 5 months, its been a very long hard time.
sometimes i just want to go to him.
Kathy,
yes i too can only really relate to those like you ladies, who know what its like, what the pain is, i dont vent with alot of family and friends because i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me at all although i am in so much pain, alot of people just dont understand, and they just dont know what tosay.
to all you wonderful ladies, thanks for being my friends.
I know what you all mean…Even though people here don’t really comment on my posts, I still feel like you guys are the only ones who understand.
I can totally relate with the post about trying to get my “stuff”. Or having people think I’m “unstable” Or having the kids walk on eggshells in my presence. On the otherhand, when people are insensitive it makes me hurt because I think they should “know” that I’m still sad on the inside.
I just want my old life back. I want my husband back. He’s the only one who knows how to love me.
Debie
Debie,
Like you, I rarely get comments on my posts, but I still feel drawn to this site because we’re all sharing in the agony of losing someone we love dearly. Although it has been 33 months since my Don died, and I have healed to where I can appreciate my ‘new life,’ I would return to my ‘old life’ with Don in a heart beat. I want that man back… the one who was about as perfect as a human man can be. Only Jesus is more perfect, and that is where Don is now, and where I will be eventually.
Keep writing to us, Debie. We may not respond often, but we are reading, and we care!
Jeanine
Hi Debie and Jeanine, see Im writing to you both! Ha! Ha! I really care. All of us had the best husbands. It’s 5 months on the 28th for me. Can’t believe I’ve gotten through 5 months without him. He was my sounding board for everything. My oldest daughter has been my rock. All my kids are there for me as I’m for them. We have 4. I spoke earlier about a family friend asking me out. I said I wasn’t ready, may never be. Really not interested, nothing like Will. Didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Now he is trying my weakness! Shopping! He wants me to help him pick out some jeans. I said I couldn’t I have my grand daughters this week end. So he tried for Friday night. Said I was having dinner with my son and his wife. You’d think he would get the hint. But later this evening he text and asked about monday night. Crap. Talked to my daughter, she said she would go with me and that way we help, and no feelings get hurt. Have any of you had to deal with this? He has been a family friend for 15 years. Thanks for any advice. I understand about people thinking we should be fine, it’s been awhile. But it really hasn’t, I spent 30 years with the love of my life! Can’t just be fine after 5 months! Like you guys I would do anything to have my life back with my husband! But I keep telling myself he is happy and just waiting for me. Thanks for letting me vent. You guys are the greatest. God bless! Audrey
My husband just died in January, so I’m still dealing with all the lonliness, how could he leave me like this,etc.I gained 50 pounds being married tohim over the last 9 years. I joined a gym now,but it’s hard work. I feel I am way to fat, I still have tighter jeans etc Redwolf bought me when we first got married. I wonder if I’ll ever fit into them.I feel Iam so ugly, whowould even want to look at me,let alone ask me out. But, I am not even ready for that yet. I’m still so intuned with Redwolf, I have his pictures all over, I found a cassette of him singing we recorded a couple years ago, which brought back memories. Maybe this family friend just wants companionship?
Well Ladies, I made it through the other side and to be honest it didn’t hurt as bad as I was expecting. I know I get bad days, but they are becoming more good days. Sadness isn’t as bad as it was the week before. I wish I can give you what I have, peace, but this is something that you are going to need to get by yourself. I was glad when the 1sts were over, it seems that the 2nds aren’t so bad.
For those who are lonely, come and talk, for those who need strength I’m sending you some and for those who need love, I have enough for the whole world.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi Kathy, no this guy wants more. He thinks Will would want him to step in. But I don’t. He isn’t for me. And a friend told me that he said he had never seen anyone take a death this hard. Well this guy doesn’t get it. He has never married so he never lost his spouse. You girls know what the difference is between losing a husband or another family member. The love is different. And Kathy keep working out you will feel better. I know I should take my own advice. But my problem is I eat but nothing sticks. I was 90 when I married, stayed a steady 98 but dropped to 89. So I’ve been sucking down everything. Even have his little fridge in our room now full of food. ( don’t have to run down stairs in the middle if the night lol.) Remember you are beautiful, your husband always thought so. And if another guy can’t see that, it’s his problem. Norma I’m glad you are alright! I said a prayer for you. I hope to be more like you one day. God bless! Audrey
Hello everyone, I thank you so much for being here, & really understanding. I’m so glad I found this site. Sunday would of been our 7th Anniversary, We’ve been together 9 years. (my 2nd marriage, his 6th-he had ptsd,vietnam syndrome, which probably affected all his other marriages) he was really good, great to me, we got along so good.! So, anyway I went to his grave again, I go every friday in his hot rod black convertible mustang, looking like I’m some hot chick,(ha!) Right now weekends are very busy for me, I’m in an art show on saturday & sunday I will be a vendor in a bike swap meet, selling so many acquired harley shirts etc. my sad times are lately at night.
Hi everybody,
I just want to let you all know, one does not ever get over such losses of a spouse. It has been three years and two months. I have a chance to possible rent a house, which is certified as a Wildlife Habitat with the National Wildlife Federation…which my own house was, which I gaved up.
I cried this morning. I realized that I had moved to this duplex which I rent after my Barry left this earthy plane. I see that I have to work on “Letting Go” some more. It is a way of holding on, but I do not want to be known as the “Poor Widower”. I want to be known as the powerful spiritual being that I am. That was what my Barry saw in me.
My Barry will always be in my heart. What an impact it will be…when we will meet oneday, again.
Blessings and love to all,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
P.S. Another new name for me, which my Pastor and I worked out.
Mary Oak Lion…the oak tree is for strength and the Lion (Lioness) is for protection…of me…my spiritual being and all of my inner childeren.
Well, it has been a rough 4 days at least for me.Trying to get out, do an art show, then a flea market with no luck. Yesterday would of been our 7th anniversary, but he’s not here with me. When I turned on the radio on the way to the flea market, on comes two great songs Redwolf used to sing, “Bad to the bone & Call me the breeze”, I think he told god to play them for me to try & cheer me up. Today is the anniversary of my brother’s suicide back in 1987 when he was 25. I sold all the holsters Redwolf had today & had a crying fit in the car afterward. I didn’t even go to exercise class. it’s raining & such a miserable day. hopefully tomorrow I’ll be better? Being a widow is so awful, isn’t it?
Hi Kathy, I’m so sorry you had a awful day. I was there yesterday. Had my 2 granddaughters for the weekend. First time by myself. But when they went home last night, it just hit. I cried like I did in the beginning. It scared me. I hope to get better, I hate crying. It’s 5 months today! But when I hear my youngest granddaughter talk to her papa, I feel better. She was in the car with her mommy, and out of no where said “hi papa.” my daughter asked her, where is papa? She said he just left to go to mom-my. That is what they call me (mom-my). Like it better then grandma. She is 2 1/2. Hearing stuff like that makes me feel better. I know he is still around. So if my guy is with me, I know yours is with you! And he is admiring your strength and courage. Life is gonna keep handing us rough things to deal with, we just need to keep going forward. Wish you the best! God bless! Audrey
Hi Kathy, you did fine sweetheart. I was a gibbering wreck the first aniversary that Martin missed. I changed it from 14 years to -1, and this year it will be -2. It’s hard for me to go on with the charade. Although we would still have been married it’s not the same, not having him around to celebrate.
Keep smiling, and doing your thing. And when you get down, come here and we can try to cheer you up.
Audrey, only kids can see!
Much love and strength to you all.
Normaxxx
Hi Norma, I know I’ve heard that. That isn’t the only time the girls have done it. My daughter was walking by Maddie’s rm. Heard her talking. She asked her who she talking to? ( she is 4) she said papa, mom you’re silly. Because my daughter didn’t know. Makes me happy that they speak to him. I’m not looking forward to our anniversary, I know it will be the hardest. 4/11. It will be 30 years! I’m planning to go out with our kids, bought a dress to wear for him. We were making plans last year looking forward to it. Now I’m scared of how I’m gonna feel, I know I will fall apart. Thanks for listening. God bless, Audrey
Hi everyone. My Chuck has been gone for 9 weeks today. Our youngest son just left with his date for the prom. He didn’t go last year, so this is his first time in a tux. He looked so handsome. Even after all I have been thru the past 9 weeks, while I was taking pictures of them, I caught myself thinking “wait till Chuck sees these pictures, he’ll love them.” When I realized what I had thought, my heart just dropped and once again I had to hold back the tears, I couldn’t cry while our son was happy and excited. I have read on here about everyone having to go thru the “firsts” and how hard it is. This was the first happy occasion since Chuck passed. I thought about how our son graduates high school in May and Chuck won’t be there for it. I thought about how now every happy occasion will also be such a sad one. I wondered how I will find the strength to cope with it all. I am already so tired of coping. And then I thought of all of ya’ll having to go thru the same things I am going thru, and I thought that if you can do it, and survive, then maybe, just maybe I to can get thru it. I wanted to say thank you to all who post here, I read your posts and I remember them and think about them and in a small way, they help. And right now I need all the help I can get.
Our son really did look so handsome in his tux.
Marian, I know what you mean. I see something or hear something our granddaughters say, I think I gotta tell Will. But I can’t! This is so painful! It’s been just over 5 months for me, and it still hurts. Trying to get through each week is tough. I keep busy, ran errands today, but so lonely without him. I don’t want to burden my kids, because I’m lonely and missing their dad. Even though they are always there for me. Our 30th anniversary is 4/11 and I’m actually scared I won’t get through it. We had such great plans to celebrate. I’m grateful to have had so many years with the man I love. But I’m just 50, still have a lot of living to do. But I don’t like doing it without him! I’m sorry don’t mean to always complain. You should be proud of yourself for holding it together for your son. I hope he had the best time. I’m sure your husband was there, I know it’s not the same. My prayers go out to you and all the other women on here. We truly are in a club we didn’t want to join. God bless! Audrey
Well, I made it through another harrowing week, It’s been 2 & 1/2 months now. I feel like it was just yesterday still. This past week a rotten tree (on the city’s side) fell down, I remember last year Redwolf had the arbor lady out saying it was rotten. They should of cut it down then. so, I finally got the nerve & called city manager & they are going to fix my fence, & they had 5 guys out in the pouring rain chopping that tree up. There is a god! I spend my relaxing moments in our hot tub in the soft lights, listening to Alabama love songs. My husband was such a great singer, & he sang many a love song to me. ahhh, if only!
Well this was a pretty eventful week. I had decided maybe I should take a trip back home to see if I should return there now that my husband and reason for moving to this area is gone.
What an enlightening experience!
That old saying, “you can’t go home again” is very true. Things change in 10 years. But somethings don’t.
My mother is still controlling and grouchy.
My brother is still trying to reprimand my children in my presence.
Most of my friends and collegues are either gone or “checked out”
It seems that I don’t belong there anymore…and somehow I dont feel like I belong in this town either. Without my husband, I dont belong anywhere. I’m spinning in one spot with no real direction. Did I ever even have a direction? My focus was taking care of my kids and loving my husband with every fiber of myself…SIGH…It’s so nice that you are all here listening…Thank You.
I agree with you about not going home. I feel lost without my husband here. But I like the warm weather, the peace & quiet. I don’t like the cold,snow etc. I could never leave my husband down here alone by himself. All his family is up north, so I am his “protector”,of his grave. My parents are gone, so the only ones left are my brothers & sisters. I wouldn’t want to live with them. Besides, since my husband was disabled, our home is tax free as long as I stay here. so, I just have to find something to keep me busy, & worthwhile. I need to find a job where I can feel useful.
Well, March 30th was the 1 year mark. That was the worst I think. Just awful. I went to the grave but didn’t leave a thing. Instead I find a touching note from his mother about how much his family misses him. But not his step kids. It went on to say how I killed him and it wasn’t his time to go. But because I did not physically force him to see a dr his death was my fault. And further on that if he was here he would guide our daughter in the right direction since they feel I am not doing so. There must be something I can do to stop this. Do I have the legal right to remove things like this? When I pick our daughter up from school his sister goes to pick up her grand daughter walks by my car and calls me a bitch. She stares at me the whole time. My step daughter told me that her grandmother has every right and if anybody hurts more than anybody it is her for losing her child. Regardless of the fact that he was almost 50. I should just grin and bear it. I was told I have no reason to hurt or to seek compassion from others as there are more important people out there in so much more pain that I am in. I still wear my wedding band and he is still my husband. I may only be in my I’d 30′s. But he was my soul mate and no one will ever replace him. Where am I going wrong. I just don’t understand what I did.
Xoxo love to u all and slow healing for us all.
It sounds like they need someone to blame. If they were in your shoes, would they have done the same thing? Are they god almighty so righteous? They aren’t worth talking to, as I see it. You have a lot of grief, if they can’t share it, then it’s their problem, don’t let them harrass you. After my husband died, I had so many shoulda’s ,woulda’s, if onlies, it drove me crazy. someone said to me here,how do I know I would of saved him? I don’t know,& so very slowly I am letting of go of my self inflicted guilt. sometimes, I still cry about that. I get so sad, depressed. it is bike week here, he should be here. but I know he would of never have been able to even walk around,so I am hoping he is watching over me. Take care of yourself, most important.
Hi Brandi, good to hear from you. Family? What can you really do? Regarding the letter left at the grave, listen sweetheart you are never going to change their minds. Kathy’s right, they need someone to blame and for them you are an easy target. Rise above it. You loved your husband, but ultimately it was down to him to ensure he went to the doctor.
My uncle died a few years ago and when you looked at him (prior to knowing about his illness) you could see there was something wrong. My mum had the same attitude as your in-laws. Why didn’t my aunty force him to go see a doctor? I tried to explain it to her, but she wouldn’t listen, as far as she was concerned it was all my aunties fault.
I know my aunty loved my uncle dearly, and when I asked him why he didn’t say anything to his wife, his reply was “I didn’t want to worry her.” I said she would probably rather have worried and for you to have a fighting chance, instead of you lying there getting ready to die. I don’t mince my words, no matter what state people are in. But the point is, what is done, is done. Without a time machine we can’t go back and do it again. Chances are it wouldn’t work out anyway. My mum didn’t like my aunty anyway and because of that I think it was easier to blame her, than my uncle.
Stay strong Brandi, rise above how your in-laws are treating you and do the right thing for your family. Much strength, peace and love coming your way.
Kathy, you are getting on great under the circumstances, Redwolf would be so proud of you. I hope you have been taking in the sites and sounds of bike week otherwise it would be mighty lonely for your husband to have experienced it by himself. Good luck with finding something to keep you busy, and let us know how you are getting on.
Debie – I went home and I’m still there, but its different for me. I didn’t live hundreds of miles away (only 25), so it was easy to go back to my Dad’s house. Easier still because my mum wasn’t there, even though I miss her. For all of us, this journey is long and sometimes hard and sometimes easy, but giving each of the steps a chance we get to see exactly what is right for us.
It’s been a while since the last posting, maybe that’s a good thing, but I miss hearing from you all. I know that may seem a little stalkerish but I’m still on my journey and it helps me get through it when I can reply to your posts. When I answer some of your questions or give advice I hope that it helps you, but I know deep down it is helping me more. It allows me to see my direction on this journey and it reminds me that the advice I give is good advice and I take it for myself. Today someone told me that you never really take your own advice, but I know without all you ladies that would be true. So thank you for helping me take my own advice.
Much love to you all.
Normaxxx
My husband died March 22nd 2011. The Memorial Service was April 1st.
I am so lost right now. I have to get a job quickly because he didn’t have any insurance and there are bills to pay. I stare at the job listings. I stare at old pictures.
I am in shock. He wasn’t feeling well for about a year. But we didn’t see heart failure being the reason. What do I do now? I just wish I knew what to do now.
Hi Rhonda, I have been thinking about your post, wishing I could think of something to say that would make you feel better, but of course I have nothing. I was lucky enough that my husband had life insurance thru his work. Not enough to live on forever, but enough to give me a little breathing room before I have to get a job. I remember well, before I knew for sure I’d get the money, having panic attacks thinking about having to make it on my own. I was so afraid I’d lose the house and my car on top of losing Chuck. I mistakenly thought that widows could get a Social Security check each month to help out, but soon found that is not true. I was flabbergasted to find that for many widows, there is no financial help available. I remember when my daughter and I left the SS office, she said “now we know why they have an armed guard patrolling the area”. Life is so unfair, and I hate it that so many widows don’t even have the time they need to grieve, because those relentless bills just keep coming in, making an already horrible situation even worse. Please post again and let us know how things are going.
I was in your shoes March 2009. Hubby checked out fine at the drs the week before but had a heart attack March 3. In order to have a income coming in, I had to rent out my home and move in with my folks. It meant selling stuff my folks didn’t have room for. So many memories furniture, knicknacks and things gone… I still am in shock and don’t believe he is gone. Hang in there. Everyone here is so nice. Welcome. Hugs to you and everyone else on here. 2 yrs on I still hurt…
This post in memory of Mike Harrell a well loved husband and friend..,.
Norma, I love it when you help and give advice. I try, and like you I feel it helps me as well. And I know I need to take my own advice. It is 5 1/2 months for me, feels like forever. My Willie was everything to me and our kids. He never judged always listened, tried any way he could to help. He was always so healthy, and being taken so young is unfair. But I know God had his reason, what or why I won’t know till my turn. Monday will be our 30th anniversary, I’m nervous about it. But I know he would want me to celebrate. So I am with our kids.
Ronda I feel for you, this is so fresh to you. It will be hard, lots of ups and downs. My prayers for you and all the other women on here. Take care and God bless! Audrey
It has been 13 months since Paul passed. I am having better days, but, I still have days where I miss him so bad it hurts and I still am afraid about the future. My family thinks that I should be healed. My sister still keeps telling me that I am “lucky” to have had the time I had with Paul and that I have a job and that I have good health and should be very happy for these things. I am thankful for these things BUT, it doesn’t change the fact that he is gone and I am alone facing everything and making ALL the decisions by myself. I will have to face my parent dying by myself and so many other things. She just doesn’t understand because she still has her husband and has never been alone. This is my second time without a husband to share my days and dreams with. I was divorced the first time and then met Paul, the love of my life and now he is gone. I pray that the days continue to get better – but it still doesn’t erase the fact that I am alone again.
Thanks for your prayers and support.
This is the 2nd time without a husband also. I divorced my first after 30 years. I felt free then. Then I met “Charles,”redwolf”‘ What a man! I can tell you he was the most, charming devil. all around wonderful loving man I ever met, he loved spoiling me. I still have my sense of responsibility, from growing up in a poor home. so now I have to make all the decisions also. I have to face the rest of my life without him, and after 3 months it is still hard. I still don’t know what to do with myself to keep busy, or make my self useful, other than paint, keep the house in order and take care of his pets. I need to find a job. But one that is interesting to me. any one ever been in this position?
My husband passed a month ago. I’m 50 and my son is 11. He died suddenly from blood clots in his lungs at 57. He had been to Urgent Care the day before he died and 4 days before he died (two different times). They diagnosed bronchitis and pluerisy, gave him antibiotics and pain meds and sent him home. I’m going to talk to a lawyer and see if I have a malpractice case. It should not have happened. It is so wrong. That said, I know my son and I have to move on with our lives. We can not change the past. Luckily my husband was good with money and was prepared in case he ever died. We are also going to get social security so I feel like we will be ok financially. Emotionally it is hard. We were married 18 years. It is a hugh, hugh, adjustment to lose someone who was in your life for 20 years. Everything changed the moment he died. There are more questions than answers. But I have faith that in time everything will work out. I completly believe we are where we are supposed to be at this very minute. If we can accept our destiny and live for today, not yesterday and not tomorrow, we will get through this. We don’t know the future but we need to trust that this is our path to travel. We have to be good to ourselves. Don’t listen to others. They are not on your journey. They have their own journey to travel. Believe in yourself. You have the power to do whatever you want to do. The future will not be like the past. We need to find peace in ourselves. Try to look for the positive in everything including the crisis we are experiencing. You will find it.
Sandy – WELL SAID! I’m not going to lie to you, but sometimes it will be hard to keep up that attitude, but whenever you start to flag, remember what you have said, because it is so RIGHT! Your husband would be, no, is very proud of you. Take care my sweet and keep coming back to share your wisdom with us all.
I watched a movie last night, called Inception. I really enjoyed it and its the kind of movie I enjoy. One thing that came out of it, was give up 5 minutes of reality for 1 hour of dream state. 1 hour with Martin.
I had the strangest dreams last night, but I woke myself up rather painfully, when I dreamt I was reading something and it was in Martin’s hand writing. I realised that I couldn’t stand 1 moment let alone 1 hour of dream state with anything associated with Martin, because it hurt worse than reality. I woke crying and although I could read what was written clearly, I can’t remember what it said. Ladies I love my husband and if dreams are all I get, then I don’t want them. I don’t want to share anything other than reality with my husband and if I can’t have that I don’t want unreality.
I just wanted to share that with you.
Much love
Normaxxx
Thank you Norma
Hi ladies, well I made through our 1st. anniversary apart. Yesterday was our 30th. Celebrated with our four kids and grandkids. They kept me busy all day and nice dinner out. Will and I are truly blessed, our kids really came through for me. It’s 5 1/2 months now, still hard, but trying to be strong. I want Will to be proud. Thanks for listening…God bless! Audrey
Someone wrote on here about not being able to get social security. Does this mean I can’t draw on my late husbands once I come of age? I had heard you could draw on his when you are of age? Just wondering. Hugs to all. I am down at the beach with my folks for 2 weeks, coming home Sat. I felt Mike down here one day. I talk to him everyday…
I found out also you can not collect ss, even your husband’s until you are 60 years old. so what did that leave me. One thing I could be grateful for that he died after he received his last monthly ss payment. I know that sounds awful,but in the cold reality of life, it came in handy. I had panic attacks also. My husband “Redwolf” had to have a new toy,a new mustang that he bought about 6 months before he died, of course we owe too much on that. so I have that to pay on top of all the other stuff. Finally thank god the military & DAV came through giving me something at least to save the house & utilities,and since he was 100% disabled, I don’t have to pay taxes. But I still need to find a job for the car pymt,& many other little bills. there’s no time to grieve, or should I say to much time to go crazy. When I finally do get a job,at least it’ll keep me busy.
I agree with ya. I too was glad Mikes social security payment had just come in before he passed. Or I would’ve had to have given it back and I needed it to pay for bills. Hugs to all…
Twitter: commentluv
April 13, 2011 at 11:56 am
hello ladies
i havent commented in a while, but first of all i want to thank Corrinne for this site, and for all of you wonderful ladies who UNDERSTAND .
i had a lady tell me yesterday that i am hiding from the world since i do not go out and face the fact that my husband is gone, that i need to get out and enjoy life !!!!!!! put all it behind and go on in life..
i was angry at first to her even thinking that way, but what does she know about loosing a spouse, she didnt , so obvisouly she dont know the hurt and i would never want that to happen to her, but i know some people do not knwo what to say to us that are going thru the grief but i much rather them not say anything at all, i was really upset with that response from her, ~~
it has only been 5 months since i lost my husband and best friend, we done everything together, therefore i am completely lost without my Julian, everyday is a struggle without him, i am having to learn to do so much on my own and its hurts like heck !!!
i know i can vent out on here as you all understand this , how can someone think that this is just something that we will get over in a few months, i have even been asked why i am still wearing my wedding rings, i told that person, flat out, i havent even thought about taking it off , its like our bond and he is stil there i guess, i cant answer for if i ever will take it off or when , i guess when that time comes, i will deal with that then, i have so many other things to worry about now!! and to grieve!!!! and i dotn care if people do not understand, i will grieve in my own way and as long as i want and need to .
in regards to the widows benefits: my husband was 16 yrs olders than i , he was on disability and had been for 3 yrs and there is not help for us, they look at us like crazy people, i persoanlly do not like the word ‘ WIDOW” – and have never used it anywhere, but social security only offers you the one time benefit , unless you are retirement age then you should eb able to get other benefits.
well now that i have vented, thanks ladies, i am so glad to can come here to vent and never gt talked upon.
have a great day
I haven’t taken my rings off either, I still wear his on my right hand, just cus. I have his clothes he died in – in between the pillows on our bed. I usually hide in my house also. But I still have to takecare of “things”. I’m not old enough for ss also, 4 more years. I lost my best friend also. we did so many things together,we were always going out every weekend, singing, car shows etc. now I do nothing. I don’t go anywhere, he was my life. yes, we will all grieve in our own way. The lonliness kills me so much. I miss him every day. It’s been 3 months for me.
Twitter: commentluv
April 13, 2011 at 12:45 pm
kathy.
oh so true, we are lost !!
i haevnt touched his clothing, etc things aroudnt he house either, they are all still in the same place, i do sleep in his tshirts sometimes, i sleep on his side of the bed, use his pillows, i do look in his closet sometimes but just open it and then close it back…
i do volunteer at the hospital but i haev been doing that for the past year anyway, and it helps me, they staff and employees are like family and that hospital is liek my second home, i love them so much, i lived there at the hosp with my husbadn for the past three months before his passing, so i feel so at home there, i am up there at least 1-2 times a week…..
but other than volunteering i really go to work and go home, then dread goign home because its so loney and i miss him so much and out house has so much love from us being together, i try to focus on all the wonderful memories we had and that helps but it doesnt help the pain..
so much to do on my own, and i am learning to do so much that i never had to do on my own, but i will be ok, just taking it one day at atime.
God was watching over me I tell ya. I’m here at the beach for 2 weeks with my folks. Went in K-mart with my mom. My folks & I went out to eat after that. I noticed this lady looked familiar to me and I wondered why. She looked at me, came up to me and said she was the clerk from K-mart & I had left my car keys at the cash register when I checked out due to giving them to her to read the K-mart points card thing I had. Yikes. It was definitely of God that she ran into me there or I would’ve gone home without them and not realized until after I got back home. And home is what 4 hrs away? My folks took their car so I’m not driving on this trip. How dumb I am. But God got me outta Dodge, there. I am losing my mind since Mike passed…
Oh yeah, forgot to mention I kept the outfit he died in and the blanket he died on. They had his smells on them. My mom found them one day, thought they needed washing and washed them. And now his smell is gone! I know she meant well but I did not want to lose his smell. Sigh…
I wanted my husband’s clothes back from the funeral parlor also, it took them 3 daysto get them back to me & of course they washed them, I was so mad the funeral parlor for everything, getting some unknown dr to sign the death certificate. some covering dr who seen him in icu back in October maybe once, he knew nothing about my husband’s health. we had to goto his heart dr & get a typewritten letter from him to send to the va. thank goodness they took that into consideration. The so called director who took care of my husband’s funeral was so stupid, unsympathetic, so ignorant of our feelings etc. I wrote them a letter saying I would never use them again & this person should have no business being there. At least I still have his cologne & spray that once in a while.
The funeral parlor did a nice job on Mike. He looked so realistic and not creepy like most dead folks do.
Wed nite I had another dream where Mike came back from the dead. We got a house and I was decorating it. My mom was trying to tell me how to decorate it as she did not like how I was decorating it. I told he it was my house and I wanted to decorate it the way I wanted to. I went out to eat with Mike. It all seemed so real. But then I woke up and he is dead again. I hate that. I don’t want to find him dead when I wake up…
Hello to the new ladies and to all. I also have not written in a while. Stay as busy as I can but come back to read the posts every week or so. We all have this horrible common bond. Sure wish I could come up with some words of comfort for all of us. After my husband passed I kept thinking of that old song with the words … You have to walk that lonesome valley, you have to walk it by yourself, oh nobody else can walk it for you…..well, that seeems to be true. Words of encouragement help but in the end, its us tht has to go through it. I gave away our whole bedroom set last weekend (to a daughter). It was solid oak and we bought it when we moved into our house here 25 years ago. Still looked great. The pillowtop mattress and king sized bed was only about 5 years old but it seemed huge without my hubby in it and in 6 months I couldn’t bring myself to ever get under the covers and had not washed the sheets. Slept on top of his side with a blanket over me. I bought paint and a new bedroom set and my daughter in law came over and painted the ceiling and walls. Its beautiful and for the first time in six and a half months I crawled into bed and under the covers and slept for 10 hours straight. I miss my husband yes, but realized I could not move forward until I blessed others with the things he would no longer use. Besides all they do is bring back memories, and holidays, landmark moments and songs and the scenes in my life do that enough to me. We are reminded every day that we are alone. I cleaned out the closet and painted that myself. The only thing of his back in there is a camoflage hat that he wore with an American flag pin. Its on the shelf on his side. I kept one of the shirts he wore a lot, washed it and sprayed it with his cologne and hung it on the bedpost on his side of my new bed. It doesn’t bring back any sad memories and I sometimes walk by and smell the scent. It just brings me a little comfort. Since my husband Charlie passed away we had a birth, his daughter had a little boy 16 days after he passed away and we had a wedding on March 26th. I had a talk with my husband on the way to it and just said our son is marrying today and you won’t be there. I hope you can see it from where you are. I am going and I will represent both of us. I am going to try to be happy for them and not think about us. I made it through fine. I will be 60 in July and was told that I should go to the SS office and apply for widow’s benefits 3-4 months before my birthday. My husband went on disability right before he passed away with cancer. The young woman was very understanding and nice. She said I was eligible and would get a July check but it would be deposited into my account on the 2nd Wednesday of each month which she said would be August 10th. I made the 73 mile trip alone, the 2nd trip there as I did go get the $255. death benefit back in October. Getting close to the 7 month mark for me. I have only had a couple of dreams of my husband and they weren’t anything traumatic. When I wake up I knew I dreamed of him but cannot remember what the dream was. I have four of my Grandchildren here overnight, as their Mom and Dad had an anniversary and went to a Mercy Me concert. They will be here in a few hours to pick them up for church. The oldest one who is 8 has been coughing a lot. I think it is sinus’ problems as pollen is already bad here. My heart goes out to all you ladies and I say a prayer for you all when the Lord puts you on my heart. I pray that things will get better for you day by day and when you meet up with your spouses again they can say how proud they were of you for putting on a brave face and continueing on and we all know it isn’t easy. I pray strength and comfort for each one of you. We will get through this one day at a time. Hugs my dear friends……..
Karen Schieffer
Hi Karen, just read your sweet letter. I’m going on 6months. Still really hard, I cry everyday. But it’s actually better. I feel it come on, and I feel my husband calms me down. A old friend called this evening, didn’t know that Will had passed. Had to explain, but I’m getting better when it comes to that. I say a prayer for all you lovely ladies each night. Hope it gets better, one day it will. I’m preparing for Easter, whole family coming for dinner. I’m keeping up our traditions, he would want that. Much love, God bless!
Ladies, I haven’t been on for awhile but I have been reading the post about every week. It will be a year in June since my wonderful husband passed. I have been keeping myself real busy so I didn’t have to think about never seeing him again. I went back to school,remodled our kitchen went with some friends tp Grand Caymen. Now that there is nothing to keep me busy I think about him alot and the loneliness is awful. I am lucky though his family are wonderful, they all keep in touch and we try to meet once a month. I live in Maine and they all live in Ma. Someone asked a friend if I was dating yet. I can’t even imagine dating. He died less than three months after finding out he had pancreatic cancer. We did have a chance to get our affairs in order but we never really talked about after his death. I did get a chance to tell him I loved him and he told me the same. I just wish he would have told me what to do now.I have been through all the first’s, except the day he died. I am not looking forword to that day. People tell me it gets easier and I am hoping it does but I miss him and tell him I love him everyday. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. My thoughts and prayers are with every other person going through this.
Cathy,
In June it will be three years since my wonderful husband passed from pancreatic cancer. Through the grace of God he lived 27 months after his diagnosis, and we had periods of time where he felt good enough to enjoy traveling, thus we took several trips together. In many ways the passage of time has made it easier to live without him , but I still miss him tremendously, and tell him every day that I love him.
Through my faith in our Creator and Risen Savior I know that I will see him again. That knowledge, plus drawing on the strength available through Christ, has sustained me on a daily basis. During this Easter season we are reminded that life does not end at physical death. I read Scripture about Christ’s resurrection this morning and cried when I reached the part where Jesus appeared to Mary three days after he had been placed in the tomb. Those words give me the joy of knowing that my husband has joined Jesus, and one day I also will be with them. Until then I will keep drawing strength and joy through the Holy Spirit of Jesus, thanking Him every day for the blessings He has given me, and asking for His guidance for each day.
I ask God to bless and keep all you ladies during this Easter time, and at all times.
Jeanine
Thank you for your kind and comforting words. He has been on my mind so much lately and I miss him so much. I also talk to him everyday.Sometime I wonder I am going to get through this but I know I have to.
I know your hubby has met mine in heaven and I will see my Mike again one day. Sure miss him now tho. Happy Easter to you all and hugs to you all.
Happy Easter Ladies! I hope you all managed to find some peace and happiness today. Watching the grandkids looking for eggs, eating candy put a smile on my face. I know my husband was here, especially when our 2 1/2 year old grand daughter smiled and said hi to her Papa. Take care! God Bless!
Hello to all,
I just found this website and am so glad that there is somewhere to voice my thoughts. I lost Dennis 26 months ago and still feel the pain everyday. I was 50 when he died from a cancer that sucked the life out of him over the course of 18 months. We have one daughter. She is now a junior in college. So her freshman year, I experienced empty nest syndrome and Den’s death a few months later. Wow! I had never lived by myself – EVER! I have suffered with extreme loneliness and have had some real dark days. I have, however, embrased these emotions because I know that they have to be dealt with. Back in July, I started seeing a guy from my church. We spent alot of fun times together but he was ready for something more permanent. He also has his own issues – something I really can’t deal with. That’s the fear I have had about dating again. You meet someone nice and think they’re okay and then after months, you find out that they have all kinds of issues. He was always good to me but I just am not ready for the next step and may never be. So I broke up with him. I still miss him but know that I can’t compromise on the big stuff anymore. I have also discovered that I do “alone” alot better than I did before we dated. So I can tell you that being alone is still tough at times but it is also kind of freeing. You can eat what you want and when you want to. You can watch whatever shows you want on TV, without someone disagreeing. There’s alot of independence in my life right now – and some of that isn’t bad. I do still stress alot over home repairs and everything else my husband did. But I have a good group of guy friends who have been very helpful to me.
So to all of you recent widows, keep the strength. Rely on your family and friends when you need to. Remember, if God takes you to it, He will get you through it!
Blessings to you all.
Welcome Suzanne,
I’m sorry you had a reason to look for this site, but am glad you found it. In June it will be 3 years since my Don’s body died from pancreatic cancer. I know his spirit is with our Creator, Jesus, and I will eventually join them, but I still ache with missing him every day.
I, too, have learned to appreciate the freedom of living alone, but I would gladly give it up to have Don back… healthy and happy, of course. I’m in the midst of selling my house and buying a townhouse in a 55+ community near to where my son and daughter-in-law live. It is an exciting, but scary, adventure. I always depended on Don to take the lead in all decisions and changes…. and I loved it that way. However, it is now necessary for me to make all the decisions…….. guided by a LOT of prayer. Plus, I’m blessed to have two children (and their spouses) who are willing to help me.
God bless and keep you all. May He be gracious to you, and give you peace.
I have also thought of selling my house, but can’t come to terms with it yet. I don’t know when I will, but, my parents say I will know when it is right. I am situated close to my divorced son who has custody of his 3 & 4 year old sons who need my help and also so close to my elderly parents who need my help. So, I dont’ feel it is the right time to move yet. House is too big but it is MY house. Sound crazy?
My girlfriend who lost her husband three months prior to my losing Paul has to sell as she travels for her job and he left her with a huge mortgage that is difficult for her to handle. That makes me sad as I will loose her living so close as she is my neighbor and I got spoiled walking out my door and seeing her and a little envious that she is moving on.
Oh well. These are certainly easy times. I just want to feel myself again. I guess it will take time and I feel that I will never be the person I was before he passed.
Hi Suzanne, first I want to say sorry for your loss! I’m 50, My husband Will passed 6 months ago on the 28th. It was sudden, blood clot to his lungs. I am worried about even the thought of dating again. We were married 30 years. Seems so strange to me. I have been asked out, just not interested. I know what you mean, eat when you want, watch what you want. Do enjoy that. I brought my husbands small fridge from the garage up to our room. Well with the help of my one daughter. Have munchies in there. Lol! I need to put on weight, I hear him telling me to eat! I try to keep busy, we have 4 kids. All married, 5 grand kids. Our oldest son is separated, so he moved home. Kinda nice, not completely alone. I know you are farther along then me, but getting through the firsts is hard. Like Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc…I’m grateful for our children, they are my rock. Couldn’t have done it without them. And I keep telling myself that he is with me. Just like your husband is with you. He would be proud of you. Take care, and God Bless! Audrey
Thanks Audrey and Jeanine for your nice comments. Audrey, I can understand your feelings about dating. At 6 months, I couldn’t imagine thinking about another man, much less dating! I made it through that first year of “firsts” in a very raw manner. My daughter and I decided we would face every occassion head on – his birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving (his fav holiday) and Christmas. We “celebrated” each as we had always done. Now I’m trying to create new traditions – ones that reflect mine and my daughter’s preferences.
I’m also starting to change things in the house to reflect more of my taste than “our” tastes. I call this life I’m in now my “2nd life”. I would do anything to have my 1st life back but I know that I have to move forward. I know that Den’s spirit is always with me because he has helped me get through some real physical challenges around the house. I simply tell him, “I really need your help with this Den!” And miraculously, I am able to do it!
I think it’s great that you’re moving to a new home Jeanine. I would also love to sell my house and move in to a rental apartment – or something that I wouldn’t have to maintain. The housing market is still so slow here that I don’t think I’ll have much luck selling right away. A new place will be great though. You can really make it “yours”. I was scared to make decisions at first too. But I am finding that I am very capable. I really miss having Den to make those decisions with though. We always decided everything together.
Audrey, you’re fortunate to have your son with you now. It will definitely help with the loneliness. My daughter goes to school over 500 miles away. The loneliness was the worst for me. I think I started dating because of this. But now I don’t think I’m really ready for a relationship with someone. It’s not fair to another person if all I want is companionship and he wants more. I have a wonderful support system with family and I have three marvelous girlfriends who I spend time with every week – we have a girls night at each others homes (we cook and drink wine and gab). They are also in transitional times in their lives but we are all on different journeys. I hope you both have girlfriends as well. It’s so important to have these relationships.
My prayers are with you as you journey on. It’s nice to know that others understand what I am going through.
Blessings to you.
Hello. has anyone ever brang up sex as a question/problem/wants/needs? It’s only been 4 months since my husband died, but months since we’ve had sex. I miss him so much! his touch, the feel of his body, sleeping with him at night. his smell. I still have his cologne & when I open the bathroom cabinet his smell comes to life & it just makes me wish he were here so much more. Sometimes I think I just want somebody to have sex with, but then I say to myself, I couldn’t live with myself then. No one could compare to”Redwolf”. Every one else fails in comparison. Istill haven’t found a job yet. I’ve been busy selling extra things at flea markets, finally sold his bike, going to doctor appointments, getting myself taken care of. exercising, etc. But the needs & wants are still here, & I cry all the time missing him so much!
Hey Kathy,
Because we still are human on this earthy plane…it is OK to feel the wants and needs of our physical being. It has been three years and four months since my Barry left. Barry told me that I would never find another like him…yes, it is true. He was the gateway to our spirituality…after my solitude retreat…becoming one with everything all becoming one with me.
Whatever our physical needs are on this earthy plane does not deter from that love of our spouses. It means that our hearts did not closed down, wither and died. We did not become mean old spinisters…not knowing Love. We are always open for Love…that is a Gift.
I am learning on how to be a good Spiritual Minister…so that I can help others, by understanding myself, letting go of the hurts and keep on growing.
I hope this message will help you and others…putting everybody at ease. Let’s be Human with Love. Let our hearts always be filled with Love.
Blessings,
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Suzanne, thanks for the advice. I have faced holidays and our anniversary with our kids. Different, but tried to keep things the same and lots of fun for our grandkids. Our anniversary was the hardest, but our kids took me to dinner. I do have friends, but all are still happily married. Some I haven’t heard from, think they don’t know what to say. My closest girlfriends have always been my sisters. Come from family of 8. I’m num. 7. 6 girls. 2 boys. 3 of my sisters are close by. So we do girls day out. Bring our daughters too. I’m staying here in our home. My husband bought the house before we married. So we dated here, married here in front of the fireplace. Brought our babies home here. Can’t imagine being anywhere else. I even said I’d die here, didn’t think he would.
but I know I need to put some of his things away, for our kids. Just haven’t wanted to empty his things. How long did it take you? I only empty his end table because I sleep on his side of the bed and use it. And my wedding ring I can’t imagine taking it off. 30 years is a long time. And the dating, the guy who asked me out is someone I don’t see being romantic with. And I know he wants that. He even said he thought Will would want him to step in. No! And I told him that. But nice about it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and to any one else that might be able to give advice. God bless! Audrey
Good to hear from you again, Audrey. You are so lucky to have sisters who are also your girlfriends. I have one sister who is 10 years older than me and lives in another state. I am pretty close to her but don’t really dump my troubles on her. But you have touched on something I should be concentrating on – developing a better friendship with my sister. Life is too short (boy, don’t we know it) to not cherish every relationship we have.
When did I remove my husband’s belongings? I removed all of his clothes pretty quickly. I did keep a few things that he wore alot. After about 6 months, I removed those too. I do still keep his partially used bottle of cologne. I open it now and then just to smell his smell. It always makes me cry. I also still have his wallet. I stopped wearing my wedding ring after 6 months. It just made sense to me since it represented my 1st life.
There is no rule in place that says when you have to stop wearing your ring or when you have to dispose of your husband’s belongings. You are the boss on this one. You determine when the time is right to move on. Just remember that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting.
As far as dating goes, the same things applies. When the time is right, you will know it. I know that I dated too soon. I was so lonely and felt that if I had companionship, I would be happy. Trouble is I didn’t figure the man would want more. I will definitely be more cautious in the future and only become involved with someone when I know I can give myself fully. And the guy who asked you out needs to get a better pick up line. If he were a true friend, he would show some sensitivity.
This is indeed a long journey we are on. It makes it more bearable, however, when there are others out there who understand.
May God continue to Bless and comfort you.
Suzanne
I know how you feel. My Paul died suddenly from a heart attack 13 months ago. Left me with a lot of “stuff” to take care of. I don’t want to leave my house as I love it and it was our “dream” home. I haven’t changed too much – don’t really want to. I am driving Saturday to our cabin in GA to dispose of his remains. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. I hate the drive and am not looking forward to doing this. But, I made a promise to him and have a girlfriend (who lost her husband 3 months prior to Paul’s passing) going with me. We need som “away” time to regroup and rest. Both of us have had so much going on in our families – we truly need a mental break. I am hoping we find it.
it will be 6 months since my husband Rich passed away on May 1. I still hate to come into the empty quiet lonely house. I look at pictures and can’t believe that he is gone. A heart attack a hour in time and my whole life is changed. Looking for someone who is on the same road i am .To talk to to cry with. Miss him so much
I feel your pain. On March 3, 2009 a sudden heart attack took my darling Mike. The week before he checked out fine at the drs but that quickly, a few days later he got it and I did not know it. I can see the sky in this room and knowing Mike is in heaven beyond it, it makes me cry right now. I’ll never get over him. But I think I am doing pretty well considering the pain cuz I still go places and do things with my friends. It was such a shock. Since I had to move in with my folks and rent out my home to get income, I had to get rid of his stuff sooner than I wanted to. I still kept some of his stuff like the clothes he died in, one of his cowboy hats, a few of his ball caps, a few of his Elvis stuff, his family photo albums, some of his Bibles (I gave others to special friends and family who I thought he’d want them to have them). The sky is bright one minute then cloudy the next but there are tornado watches here.
The other day I dreamed he had come back from the dead and we were going places and doing things. Another day the other day, I fell asleep riding in the car with my folks and dreamed that I found beautiful floral arrangements in the shape of a cross with colored lilies on them. I bought a bunch of them. I put one on his grave and then put the rest all around town and the neighborhood in memory of him. As I put each one down, I said “This is in memory of Mike”. I said “This is in memory of Mike” in my sleep. I kept saying it over and over. My mom asked why was I talking in my sleep. I said “This is in memory of Mike”. And explained about my dream.
Hugs to you all…
Hi Cindy: I am a little beyond you timewise but still have my days. I will be more than happy to listen if you would like to call me. If it is easier, I can call you. I am a good listener. Please let me know. violetangel937@q.com Love, Terre
Terre thank you . yes i would love to talk. What does your schedule look like. I work 40 hours . wed and sat are days off. even on the days i work i get home around 5…then dinner ect. In bed usually by 9 thank you…Cindy
Hello everyone. Does anyone else feel as sad as I? I can not get through a day without crying still. It’s been 4 months now & christ, everything reminds me of my loss. I used to think when he was alive, I wish I had a moment to myself. That doesn’t mean I wanted him to be gone. I was at Walmart tonight & couldn’t stop crying. So I just paid for my groceries, still crying, got a hug from the cashier, & left. Everyone must think I’m a mess. Am I going crazy?
Suzanne, boy are you wise. You seemed to have it together. I wish I was more like you. My birthday is next week, and I treated myself to mani-pedi. The lady who did my nails was sweet. She asked how I stay so thin. So I explained what happened. Started to cry. I hate crying in public, specially when people don’t understand. I am lonely, even with my son living here. I miss going to breakfast with him, or out to dinner. Watching his cowboys and Indians movies, which drove me nuts. But just to hear it on the t.v. Makes me cry. I’d give anything to have him with me again. I talked to a medium she told me things she couldn’t have known. I just wished I could hear him or see him. She said he is with me, and trying to help me. Thank you Suzanne for your advice and support. My kids and sisters have been great, always checking in on me or calling. But with him, I had everything.
Kathy I know about being sad. We all do. But 4 months isn’t very long. I’m at 6, and it’s still hard. I was always the one who cheered others up. I love to laugh, miss that. I would always tell my husband stupid jokes, but always made him smile.
Karen, hope all goes well in Ga. That will be hard. And with all that bad weather you take care of yourself. Makes me glad to live in Calif. Even if we have a earthquake now and then. We also have a cabin, ours is in big bear. 2hrs. Away. Haven’t been there since sept. He passed suddenly Oct. 28th. We would drive up every weekend, and spend vacations there. So I need to take care of 2 closets, 2 dressers, 2 of everything. And I haven’t even started here. But as Suzanne said, do it when I’m ready.
You ladies have been so wonderful! Thank you for always listening. I will always be here for you too! God bless! Audrey
To open up my emails this morning and read the comments, thank you thank you. I do not feel like i am alone trying to deal with the days. The saddness is so great, i cry so easy. A part of my journey also includes a 3 1/2 year old . my husband Richard and I have been raising him since he was 3 months old. we, guess it is only me now ,have permanent custody of this little boy. Who would of thought that I would lose the love of my life at 55 years old. please keep sharing
Hi Cindy: I am a stay at home-used to be housewife. I have no set schedule and you can call me anytime day or night. If you should call at night and not get an answer, try again. If I am not at home for some reason, leave a message on my phone and I will return your call. My # is 928 772 0008. I have been helping a lady move all week and we are done with the move. Now, I will be helping her put things away. I will be gone to do that on Saturday but I always check my phone for messages and as I said, I will return your call. Take care and do call soon. I’m here for you. Love, Terre
Hi found this site today,I lost my husband Jan 21st of this year,3 months and 8 days ago,second marriage for both of us,we were soul mates,had 16 years together,the best of my life,he was only 53.i am 3 years older,he died of aortic dissection,the same thing john Ritter the actor died of and my husbands name was John also. I find I cry more now than when he just passed,probably cause the calls have stopped,the people have stopped coming over,the numbness has worn off,neither of us had wills,since his passing I have made one,he was unemployed 16 months before he passed,so no money either,dont qualify for ss and the small life insurance policy will run out soon,hope I get disability,have severe sciatica and spinal stenosis and asthma,go for disaibility physical May 12th. Going home in June to our home state to scatter some of his ashes and celebrate my moms 91st birthday,want some closure but cant find it,just so raw,I hope I dont lose our house but its not looking good,all I do is cry and grieve,I know I will see him again when I pass but my Dad died 33 years ago,I dont want to be like my Mom and have to wait that long and she is still waiting,the idea of ever dating again or remarrying sickens me,John and I found love for our 1st time on our second marriage,it was like kismet,meant to be,thats why its so hard to conceive he is gone,why only the good ones,why,anyway thanks for listening. korina
Hi Korina, I’m so sorry you had to join this club! I hope and pray you won’t lose your home. And the fact that your mom has been waiting 33 years to be with your dad, I’m with you. I don’t want to be away from my husband that long either. It’s 6 months and 1 day for me. I hate being sad, and alone. Our kids keep me busy, just not the same. I wish you luck with s.s. That law should be changed, making us wait till we are 60! How do they expect us to survive? Do you have children? We have 4, all married. Oldest is separated, so he moved home. At least not alone. 5 grand kids. The 2 younger ones always talk to their papa. I love that. My husband went sudden too. Blood clot to his lungs. I have good days and really bad ones. I think we all do. Just keep coming back here, the women on here are fantastic, they’ve helped me a lot! God bless! Audrey
Thanks Audrey,yes I have children,mine from the 1st marriage,but he considered them his,daughter will be 34 this July,lives with boyfriend,he doesnt want marriage or children so probably never any grandchildren,she says she doesnt know how to help me,my 2 sons live together a block away,youngest at 30 is going for his phd after 4 BAs and 2 masters and works at Griffin House for special needs and abused children. Older son 31,travels all over the world and is never home,neither think they will ever marry,oldest is grieving like I am,John was his Dad,I am waiting for that good day to come,maybe when I go home in June,or maybe when I know I might get disability and be able to save the home he gave me,right now the days are just lonely and empty.Hugs,Korina
Good luck Korina with getting SS. I think it sucks that we can’t collect on our husbands’ till we’re 60. For the love of God, who makes these rules? Do they think no one is going to die before 60? I may end up walking away from my house at some point if I can’t sell it. I live in Florida and the housing market just isn’t rebounding down here. And like you, I only have what’s left from life insurance. I do work full time and love my career but we had two incomes when we bought this place and the mortgage is killing me.
So what’s the answer? You play by the rules your whole life, you pay your bills on time and then POOF out of nowhere you lose your husband and everyone throws up their hands and says, “sorry, we can’t help you.” I have tried to get some help on getting a much lower interest rate to refinance but no luck. It seems no one wants to help a widow with legitimate need but they sure want to bail out everyone who was financially irresponsible! Oh well, I didn’t mean to get up on my soapbox. But I really get steamed about these things.
Keep plugging away everyone. I am in my 2nd life now for 26 months. So to all of you relatively newcomers, life with get better. You will start to laugh again. You’ll still cry but at some point, not every day.
You will find purpose again. Just don’t forget to breathe.
Blessings to all.
I live in Fl also, I have to wait another 4 years till I’m 60. My husband was a 100% disabled vet, so thank god we are exempt from paying taxes. & the military finally came through & I am getting enough to at least pay the mortgage & utilities. I have called someone a couple times about getting our mortgage lowered, first time I didn’t have any money coming in, now that I have some at least, this idiot doesn’t return my calls or refuses an email. what gives? what about widows of veterans? What happened to taking care of them? I still have to pay for his expensive “toy” he had to have, a 2010 mustang because it was in both our names. & I can’t take his name off the loan or account until I pay off the loan. & I can’t sell it on account he owed more than it’s worth. what a bummer, right. anyone else ever been in this situation. I thank god every day that he took care of me, though & at least the house will be paid for. I still need to find a job for the car, phone,tv. & of course a school loan on me. christ. & I have toomuch time on my hands to be miserable & cry toomuch. I was in walmart the other day & wound up crying like crazy.
Hi Kathy, so you know how the economy is here in Fl. It sucks. At least you don’t have to wait as long to get your husband’s SS. Gas and everything ekse keeps going up. I try to stay positive but I swear, it’s hard. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t expect any special treatment. But when irresponsible people are rewarded and when people like us (widows) are ignored, I get a little testy.
Went to Mass this evening and feel better. I DO feel the spirit of Jesus in my day and hope and pray that HE is continuing to heal my spirit and carry me through the rough patches I still face daily.
Kathy, I don’t know how far in you are. But know that eveything you are feeling is normal. As time passes, it will get better. You are in a new phase of life. I call it my “2nd life”. You are in control of this 2nd life. Good luck with all of your daily challanges and victories! Many Blessings on you!
Suzanne
Hi Korina, I do wish you luck with s.s. At least your kids are close by. They sound like they are doing well. Our youngest is 2 hours away. (24) Married and getting her masters. Our oldest son moved home (36) he is separated. He didn’t have to move home, but I asked him to. And we have another son who is (27) and another daughter (29). I’m just glad Will was here to walk his daughters down the isles. And he was our younger sons best man. Also was there when our oldest daughter had her girls. So he was able to enjoy all that. Today was our youngest grand daughter’s birthday. She turned 3. Out of no where she said she loved her papa. Real sweet. Hang in there Korina, it has to get better. I did cry on my brother-in-law tonight. He reminds me of Will.
Suzanne what you said about s.s. Was right on! I agree it’s so unfair! No one really wants to help. All you hear is ‘ sorry for your loss’ . But they don’t really help. If our husbands were old enough to collect, they would of been paying. So why can’t they pay the wives? I never really thought about how widows or widowers did it, till now. I know my husband is trying some how to help me, with God help. I just need to clear my head and listen. Thanks ladies! You all are great! God bless! Audrey
Today is 6 months since I lost my husband. It feels like only yesterday and then it feels like forever because I am so loney. I was suppose to have today off but one of the girls quit were i work. Due to my job I had to fill in today. Put on one of Rich’s shirts today and wore it to work. I can convince my self that he is all around me holding me. So overwhelmed WITH everything that i have to deal with. And i have to be strong for the little guy. Blake (3 1/2 grandson that i am raising) he sees me cry so much already and he still is going through things to. He was with’
” Poppa” when Rich had his heart attack. I just feel so uncomfortable and confused.
Thanks for all the replys guys,Cindy its 100 days for me today,and today it feels like forever as well.So sorry u have to work,but maybe it will help today since it is a anniversary of sorts,I wear my hubbys shirts all the time too,get some comfort from them but only one,the one he wore the last night still has his smell on it so i dont wear that,dont want to lose the scent with mine or the dogs,my kids still cant understand why i grieve so,and how alone i feel,I pray at night that he will visit me in dreams so we can be together,pictures are just not enough nor the memories in my heart that is breaking,I want to share a song i wrote for my John with U guys
Love is all that matters
Love is all you need
Ane when loves taken away
Who is to say
Life is so cruel
Everybody thinks time is forever
But in truth time slowly slips away
If I could have just one day to remember
Only darling,this is what id say
Love is all that matters
Love is all you need And when loves taken away
Ill be okay
No longer a fool
Precious moments spent with you together
Now are stored in my memories
Until the time we meet again forever.My love,one again we`ll be
So Im waiting my love
Cause its really so
We love each other
That love will still grow
Ill see you in time
I really know
Cause love is all that matters
Love is all you need
Ane when loves taken away
Still live for today
Eternitys jewel
Cause love is all that matters
Love is all you need Love is all that matters
Love is all you need
It’s been 7 and a half months for me…the longest 7 and a half months of my life. I miss him so much that my heart hurts. I’m 42. I havent worked in 10 years- I was the housewife. Now I cant even get an employer to look at me.
I wish I could’ve kept the shirt he died in unlaundered…but he died of esophageal cancer and the smells that came from his feeding tube area were TERRIBLE. And his clothes smelled like that. I never want to remember that smell–however, it’s hard to erase that memory. I dont want to associate that sick smell with my wonderful husband anyway.
Sometimes I call his cell phone to hear his voice one more time. The day his work figures out that they havent canceled his service it will be hard to never hear his voice again.
Hi Debi,
You’re so young to have gone through this the way you have. My husband also went through throat cancer. His was Laryngeal cancer and sucked the life out of him over 18 months. It didn’t help that he smoked for a million years and refused to quit. The end for him was very difficult and involved an infection that was horrible. The infection attacked his cartoid artery (that had been operated on 10 years prior). He experienced Carotoid Blow Out Syndrome. My house looked like a horror movie when it was said and done. Thank God, our daughter wasn’t home when it happened. She was away at school – her freshman year at college.
So I get what you’re saying about the smell – it’s a smell of death. Didn’t realize at the time but sure do now.
I am in this journey now for 26 months. Trust me, you will go through a multitude of emotions. You are now just coming out of the fog. Get ready for the severe loneliness. Just keep a good group of friends and family around you. They will sustain you. You will start to find the “new” you. Embrace it. Realize what what makes you tick and makes you happy. Believe me, you will find joy again.
Blessings to you and God’s Love,
Suzanne
It’s been 4 months & 18 days since my husband “Redwolf” died. I was also “the housewife”. I am 56 now, I have an AS degree in computer graphic design, but have not used it much, therefore, not enough experience. I am 56. who’s gonna hire me? There’s a printing shop nearby wanting to hire a prepressman. I do not have enough experience. But I would love to work somewhere creative. I’m the one who does all the painting. When we moved here almost 4 years ago, I painted most of the rooms, I painted a Harley on our driveway & the back end of our mustang on the driveway part near the road.
I wanted to keep the smell of Redwolf’s clothes also. But the Damn funeral parlor didn’t give them back to us until 3 days later, even though we kept asking. of course they “washed” them. god damn them to hell. I’m reporting them to the BBB on account they never told me the National cemetary provides a “free” concrete vault & got me to buy a 1195.00 one which I didn’t even have to buy. Everything about them was so messed up. Meanwhile I keep his clothes in between the pillows, & still have his “favorite” cologne in the bathroom cabinet. Every time I open the door, the smell comes “alive” & I’m so over whelmed with the memory of him wearing it, his hairy chest, his smell, the touch. etc. If I could only see him & touch him one more time. but it would never be enough, now would it? So many songs have been written about seeing them one more time. I alsostillhave his voice on our answering machine & I kept his cell phone with his voice on it & got rid of mine. I also found a cassette we made a couple years agoof him practicing karaoke. He sang such love songs! Sonow we have cds made of him & I sent it to his friends, & siblings & children. So,it’s one day at a time now. thanks for listening to all my misery stuff.
Twitter: commentluv
May 1, 2011 at 7:46 pm
today is 6 months ago, that i lost my husband and best friend !!!!
it is so hard everyday.
what a coincidence that today the hospital., he passed away at (ps he was born at that same hospital ) had a memorial service.
i cried all the way to the hospital and all thru out the ceremony,
we all got to light a candle in memory of of our loved one.
it was very emotional !!!!
Ugh….it’s been a year for me . I am not doing as well as I hoped. If this will go on forever I am not sure that I want to go on like this…. In this way…. In misery and despair….and just to think that in Jan 2010 my only bother was that I was turning 40 and I wasn’t pleased. If only I would have known that in less than 4 months I was to be a homeless widow with 4 schoolage children , no education, mo job, no prospects..this sucks
Basia,
There are no words to comfort you at this horrible time but know that we are all here for you. Every one of us has been through what you’re going through now.
You are so very young to have lost your love. And now you have to raise your young children alone. I was just 50 when my husband died. Our only daughter was in her first year of college. So my circumstances were a bit different than yours.
You definitely need to get in to “survival mode” now. Your kids are depending on you like they never have before. It’s essential that you start tapping into whatever resourses your community offers in the way of job training and low income housing. Trust me, there are resources out there. Our tax dollars have paid for them. So use them when you have to. You have got to get a job as quickly as possible. If your children are 17 or younger, they can collect on your husband’s SS. Unfortunately, with the exception of the “hefty” $255 death benefit, you cannot.
I wish there was an easy answer to your problems but there isn’t.
Good luck with all of this. And remember, we are always here to listen and offer kind words.
Blessings to you and your family.
Suzanne
Korina, loved the song, didn’t know the beat, loved the words. It’s 6 months and 3 days for me. I’m blessed being able to be with family. But when it’s time to go home, it hits. Because I know he isn’t home waiting for me. I feel he is with me, but totally not the same. Basia, my heart goes out to you and your kids. Trying to move on is so, so hard. I’m hoping life will get better, there has to be a reason for all this. Just don’t know why! God bless sweet ladies…
Hello friends and welcome to our new friends. I haven’t posted for awhile, but read each one. It is 16 months for me and my heart is still broken. Granted, some days are better and some days feel like it has just happened.
Kathy, I had to smile when I read you missed your husband’s hairy chest. I think about that everyday! I still sleep with his t-shirt under my pillow and can still smell him on the neckchains he wore for over 20 years.
I love this site because we all know what this feels like.
Love to all of you my friends! Lori
Good Day Ladies!
Kathy – you first sweetie. I cry every weekend. I want to have sex but more importantly I want to feel a strong man wrap me in his arms. Hard when the one you want is reduced to a pile of ash. I forget who said it, but she was right, 4 months is still early. You miss Redwolf and you are longing for him. Have patience and you will get that emotional release. As for the job – I want you to go into that store and ask to see the manager, explain your situation and ask him to give you a trial run, for a week. If anything it will get you out of the house and him some free labour, but it will also show him what you can do. It might be the only way of getting your foot in the door. Be bold, be brash and above all have confidence in yourself. YOU CAN DO IT!
Listen to me Ladies, giving orders. I mean it in a nice way.
Suzanne, you are doing great honeybee! Keep it up! But remember we are here for you as well.
MLB, I put my hands together and bow to you. You are the spirit that keeps me grounded. I wish you would post more often.
Lori – fantastic to hear from you. May your God keep you strong.
To all the new and not so new ladies – losing your partner (whether married or not), is a heart wrenching experience, one that only like minded spirits will understand. Times will be tough for all of us – both mentally and physically – and some of you may find it easier to give up on this journey. Please don’t. Life is for living, and the thing that makes it worth living is having to go through these experiences so we can share them with others. Help those who will come after us, by being there to listen, to offer advise and to take it ourselves sometimes.
I sometimes talk a lot of crap, I know, but I mean it. Life is ours now. To quote Mick Jagger…”We can’t always get what we want.”… so now we have to change what we want, but only when you are ready.
I have my first date on Thursday. Yes you heard me, it’s 17 months since Martin died and I’m going on a date! I will of course let you know how it goes, but I’m proud of myself for taking this massive step. I know I’ll have nothing to worry about, because Martin will be there to look after me.
Love, strength and peace to you all.
Normaxxx
Hi girls,i think i broke my toe today,got up in the middle of the night to let one of my greyhounds out and slamed my toes into a metal chair,not that my feet were great shakes before with the sciatica and spinal stenosis i have, Go next Thursday the 12th of May for exam to determine if I qualify for disability for my back and legs,if not,I will surely lose the house as I cant work,have no income coming in,dont want to end up living with son,he already lets his brother,my other son live there,plus his house isnt big enough,makes U wonder why i should even get up in the morning,I dont blame my husband,he was unemployed 16 months before he passed,but he sure left me in a mess and this world doesnt care about us widows,Im trying to look forward to June when I take some of his ashes home to WI to scatter,maybe it will help,I dont know,know that I pray for all of U guys every day,in peace and love. Korina
Korina, I hope you don’t lose your house either. I had anxiety attacks about that also. but I prayed to god & somehow,either him or my husband is looking after me. The VA disability is paying me enough to at least cover the house & utility pymnts. I still have to pay on his mustang he got 6 months before he died. Also other bills. I still have to find a job, have an interview friday. hoping & praying I’ll finally get something. I sold my husband’s pistols finally, & got our small master bathroom tiled. We had the tile, saving to do the whole bathroom over. So, I just got the floor done, & instead of buying a new toilet, I cleaned the one we had up real good & painted it black with epoxy paint. Our walls are light grey, black cabinets, glossy black counter & silver sink bowl, like chrome, Harley wallpaper border up top. so I felt great, I did it! & it looks wonderful. even the tile man was impressed!
Kathy,thats what my hubby did,he remodeled our whole house,the last thing he did a week before he died was the shower,he replaced old tiles and made a koi motif in the middle of tiles of them swimming to match the koi vessel sink I gave him,he also put a pebbled floor in to look like the beach,he always saved us thousands in dollars by doing himself,I want to finish the backyard for him but have no money he had done about half of it in brick pavers.Wish me luck next Thursday ,a week from today on my exam for disability,i am so scared,most everyone gets denied anyway,my son has a mustang he is always doing something to,his pride and joy,dont envy you the payments though,thanks for writing sweet lady,Korina
Twitter: commentluv
May 5, 2011 at 7:27 pm
hello ladies.
i havnt been on here in a while, but i get all the responses on my phone and read them all….
hope everyone is doing ok, i myself it was 6 months on may 1st..
and i so agree, it seems like just yesterday but yet so long ago since i held his hand, hugged him and kissed him…
still cry my head off to just little things like a song etc.
i myself have always worked but now is just so much harder that there is ony one income, i barely make it payday to payday and i am not used to paying the house payment so that is tough, i have a 4 bedroom house we just bought 6 years ago, i do not want to loose my house, i am trying to get a few renters to supplemnt my income, and i am even lookng for a part timejob.
i cry alot esp around the first of he month, whe n all the bills are due and icant pay thm all on time, i cry and i have honesty asked myseld how could he leave me with all this responsibility on my own,then i cry again telling myself he would never want to leave me this way. ihave never had to worry about howto pay our bills, now its a everyday worry.
i pray that God gives all of us strength.
Twitter: commentluv
May 5, 2011 at 7:32 pm
here is a question for anyone who wants to respond
I have a voluneer ” red carpet” semi formal event in two weeks and i lost m husband 6 months ago, and our invitation says to invite a escort and i ask myself, do i go alone or invite a escort ????
BIG QUESTION………….what do you think?
I am looking forward to going but not alone, as i never had,
so do i just go alone, and try to have a good time or do i invite
a escort and wonder what people think?
i need advice….
God please send me a quick answer, i miss my Julian so much
Sara,do u have a best friend that is a guy? Several of my hubbys friends are single or there wives wouldnt mind if i borrowed their hubby for a evening,I couldnt go with a guy who would consider it a date but thats me,but I am sure there is someone who could help U out,maybe even a brother,nephew,father,cousin,we need to continue living,but baby steps are sometimes needed and if you arent ready for the date type person then one of these other options may help,i am a woman who talks easier with men so i am glad to have his friends(my hubbys) to help me,u know within yourself the right decision,hugs and love. korina
Twitter: commentluv
May 5, 2011 at 8:04 pm
NO I dont have a best friend that is a guy, and no im not waning this to be a date either, just a escort type man, i do have several volunteer man friends that are single and they too are invited to this eventso does that make sense to even think about on of them to be my escort?
i am confused, i dont want to go alone but im not looking for adate either, does that make sense
i just don t know what to do
Sara…Could you take your dad? or a family member of Julians?
Sara, if you feel comfortable with these single men friends, who are going, go with one of them. You are both going to the same event, why not together. This way you aren’t alone, you’ll get your mind off your troubles for a little while. And hopefully have a nice time. These guys probably feel the same, not wanting to go alone. Have fun sweetie, you deserve it! God bless! Audrey
Sara, Just a thought. Would you be able to ask a female friend to accompany you to the event? An escort doesn’t have to be a male just some one to go with you. If you are not ready for a date and I understand that but don’t want to go alone and I also understand that, then may be just take a good buddy for company and both of you can have a night out. And don’t worry what people will think. Friends help friends. Gerry
The days seem to run together, I am so overwhelmed with all that is on my plate each and every day. I had accupucture the other and it seems like it opened a floodgate of tears. Rich had signed a contract to have the roof done, vinyl siding and the last few windows dealt with on Oct 1 2010.I remember the fights because I did not want to spend all of that money. He died Nov 1 2010.. and now the house is all different and he cant see how his hard work for all of those years paid off. I look at it as another thing that Rich cannot experience it with me. I am lonely i also miss his big bear hugs, the scent on his hairy chest, the big hands that mine would get lost in. I cry and then this litttle 3 year old boy comes up and holds me..he tells me he is sorry because he cant bring popa back and make me happy again. Right now Blake is what is keeping me going.After all i need to get out of bed to go to work to earn money and try to make the ends meet at the end of the month. Thanks for all of you so many similiar stories i dont feel alone keep sharing everyone. At least i am not going crazy as I read about all of you. We do have so many things in common
It’s been 4 months now. It’s Friday & I go to his grave every Friday, bring a chair & sit & talk to him & cry & try to find peace.
Cindy, I too miss my husband’s hariy chest, ahhh, his smell, his wonderful arms, his kisses etc, etc, god I am so lonely also without him.
Norma: My interview sucked to me. It took over 45 mins to get there, I got there 15 mins late, & find out it’s something I’m not qualified or want to do? I’m so down, I want to do something creative. I would like to work in some kind of art, printing, be around bikers,veterans & creative people. so, now where do I go from here? Everyone tells me i don’t have enough exp. christ, I have an AS in graphic design.
Cass: Yes death is a wake up call. It’s like what am I going to do with myself now?
Hello Ladies!
First – go Kathy! Let us know how your interview went, and well done for getting some DIY in as well. Redwolf is smiling on you!
Suzanne – you seem really grounded with all of this. You are coming up with things I would say (one of the reason why I’ve not responded, no need to hear the same thing!). I think you are doing a grand job and you are handling things extremely well or you have a fantastic mask and even in your writing you don’t let it slip. I hope it’s the former, because if it’s the latter you will crash. If it is the Mask, know sweetheart we are here for you, as much as you are here for us. I love you. Peace and strength to you.
Sara – go, whether with a friend female or male, or go by yourself, with a picture of Julian on your wrist instead of a corsage (sorry don’t know how to spell that). Julian will then be your escort on your arm.
Cindy – you are lucky, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you are. Blake will do more for you than you realise and even at 3 years old, he will be the lightening rod on this journey. You know we are here for you. Much strength coming your way.
to all of you other wonderful ladies, love, peace and strength. It’s not that the pain gets any easier, it’s just that we learn to cope with it better.
Much love
Normaxxx
My husband suffered a heart arrhythmia on Feb. 5th, 2011 from drinking energy drinks which caused an anoxic brain injury due to the lack of oxygen. He was next to me in bed gasping for air. I called 911 and administered CPR not even knowing if I was doing it correctly. My husband who was 41 was so healthy and worked out daily because he had a physical job and was so concerned about getting hurt at work. He wanted to make sure he stayed in good shape. I would have never in a million years thought that this would have happened to him. Our boys ages 6, 7 and 9 walked in on me giving him CPR and begging the 911 operator to get someone here quickly. He was in a coma for 2 weeks and suffered massive brain injury due to the lack of oxygen to the brain. I had to make the decision to take him off life support and he died on Feb 19th, the day after our oldest son turned 9yrs old.
My husband was my EVERTYHING!!! He was truly my best friend, my partner, my soul mate. We were together 14 yrs. I am in such a dark place. I have no family except my boys. My girlfriends who were all here when it first happened and live about 1 hr away have seemed to have gone back to their own lives with just the occasional phone call. I know people say I have to be strong for my children but I honestly don’t know how! I feel like a horrible mother. I just simply can not fathom living the rest of my life without him. I have never been a needy person and had to grow up and take care of myself since the age of 16. I am a stay at home mom and just sit in a depressed state all day. I heard Oprah say the other day that “every death is a wake up call to live more fully, more presently right now” this really struck me but I don’t even know where to start. I put on the strong front for everyone but I feel like I am literally dying inside. How do I dig myself out of this dark hole that I seem to be falling deeper into?
Cass,
I’m so sorry you had a reason to find this site…… but am glad you did find it. This is a great bunch of women, and many have lost their men in a similar way. My man, who was also my ‘everything,’ died in June 2008 after battling pancreatic cancer for over two years. He was 63, and our two children were grown, with families of their own. We had been married almost 43 years, and he was my rock. Both of us were believers, but we relied more on each other than on Christ. During his illness we both turned to Christ for our strength to get through those difficult times, and I have continued to draw my strength and guidance from Christ. I know how weak I am, and I have no doubt I would have gone into the dark pit of insanity after losing my ‘everything’ if the Spirit of Christ hadn’t been there to give me stability and guidance. It hasn’t been easy, and I’ll ache for my man for the rest of my life, but I am now able to find joy in life.
Do you have a hospice grief support group close to where you live? I attended their sessions on grief soon after my man died, and they helped. They also have sessions for your children. Another good program is GriefShare…. I just finished their 13-week session, and found it very helpful.
I lift you and your children up to our Creator, asking Him to bless you and keep you, filling you with His peace.
Twitter: commentluv
May 6, 2011 at 7:59 pm
i can so relate to that …..
Julian passed on November 1st, 2010 also, and about a month before we started major Remolding in our house, we tore the carpet out, redone walls, redone the garage into A bedroom, added a bath, with all intentions of starting on the house, then he started Having kidney issues, then july 27th I donated a kidney to him, then two wekes later,
He was back in the hosp and I lived there with him for four months up untill the day He passed, so now out home is just like we left, the carpet goen, the hardwood floors are Dull and need to be redone, the rest of the remolding needs to be done, and I want to Conitnue to do things on my own and pick up where we left off before but finances are
Standing in my way too, I only have my income , im just 49, not eleigible for any other Benefits and with this house payment on my own, I live paycheck to paycheck and in between Pray that there is no emergencies…….
I am looking for a part time job , who would ever think we would be in thuis position?
We had it all , I could not ask for anything more with Julian but now its seems like All that we worked so hard for is gone, but I do not want to loose my house,..
Like they say, When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So glad I have you guys to vent to
Thanks
You are so not alone. I myself am doing through similar things. No one, even some family can understand how tight things can get on one income and finishing t hings you started together when you had two incomes! But, I am hanging on and trying to take on extra work to make ends meet. Not too much time for other things. But, it does give me a peace knowing it is mine and I am managing.
Hang in there!
Hello Ladies,
Norma, I hope I don’t crash and burn through all this! I think we all wear masks at times when times are difficult. I think it helps us cope. However, I have been very honest in my comments on here and don’t feel like I have put on a facade.
I like to think that I have done a good job dealing with my loss. I went to counseling earlier in the year and it really helped me. The company I work for offers all kinds of help through their EAP program. So I decided to attend. I really want to get my daughter in more counseling because I don’t think she has properly grieved for her father. I don’t know if there is a “proper” way to grieve. I just know that she needs help learning to cope and move forward.
I am a very independent person and had a marriage that was inter-dependent. Meaning, Den and I really relied on each other for many things. But at the same time, we each had a great independence. For example, if Den had time off, he was happy to stay home or go fishing. Many years, I spent my time off at the shore with my daughter, parents and some siblings. Den didn’t like the beach and didn’t care about going. So there was no conflict. We each just did what we liked. But we also did alot things together. I don’t know if this has helped me survive this journey better than if I was totally dependent on him. But I think it’s helped me with the “alone” stuff better.
Norma, how did that first date go last week? Will there be a second? The first date is SO awkward! I know mine was. I’ve just started a new relationship with a guy who is really more of a friend. I’m taking it REAL slow this time. He’s very independent too, which is what I need right now.
Hang in there girls! I think of all of you often and pray your burdens get lighter as the days pass.
Blessings on all,
Suzanne
My Sweet Suzanne, I never thought I would meet someone who seemed so like me before. I know you have been honest in all your comments, and I didn’t mean for my comments to offend or even for you to say to yourself “who the hell does she think…” although I don’t think that would have even crossed your mind. I’m glad I’ve met you, even if only in the virtual world and like MLB you help ground me. I’m not glad you had to find this site, but I am glad you did. I love you sister. I’ll tell you about my date later.
Kathy, it sucks big time. You know how good you are, but it’s convincing others of it. It’s not easy to find a job that you are going to enjoy, but sometimes necessity means taking a job that would never be your first choice. The first step for you Kathy is getting yourself back in the job market, from there finding “the” job will get easier. And whilst you are looking for that perfect postion you will be able to keep your home afloat. Remember, first and foremost, you are still early in your journey and you have a lot to deal with. Do what you can, and keep faith in yourself. Our husbands didn’t mean to leave us in this state, but now we have to take charge and do what we can for ourselves, the best we can. You need some extra strength and I’m sending you some of mine, can you feel it!?!?!?!?! Much love Kathy.
Cass, my sweet Cass. It is a huge shock to the system when a perfectly healthy man doesn’t make it. We all know your pain here, we all know how you feel and we all share what you are going through, because we have been through it. Your girlfriends probably haven’t. If you need to talk, you can come here and speak to us, but if you really want to speak to your girlfriends, then pick up the phone sweetheart. We have all been left alone early in this journey, firstly by our men and then by our family and friends. Yes you do have to be strong for your children, but first you need to be strong for yourself. I know it sounds like I’m asking the impossible, but nothing is impossible only really hard to achieve. We will help you in anyway we can, but it is you and only you that will eventually get you back on track. It is still weeks since your everything left you and as I said the other day, the pain doesn’t get any easier, just how we cope with it. Come back and speak to us Cass, we are all here for you and each other. Peace, love and strength.
Wow, it’s been a hell of a week. Sometimes I forget that everyday a man or a woman losses the love of their lives. What makes us unitied is our grief and the experience we share. Some of us will find it easier to move on and others will find it a real struggle that is why here and now, on this site, whether you believe in God or not we help each other. No matter how many years pass, no matter how often or as little as I post, I have a greater bond with ALL of you, then anyone else in my life. I will always be here for ALL you ladies. I will do my best to be honest and open with you and I will do my best to tell you how I feel and hope that it helps you. I am sending my love and strength to you all.
My date, well what a let down. He didn’t show and when I got home there was a message waiting. I work in Internal Audit, and he tells me that becasue he is involved in a fraud audit, that he has been called back to court. I asked him for some more info, which he couldn’t give me, so either he is full of bull or is a criminal. So it’s back to square 1 for me, but I’m confident that I’m taking the right step. Setting up a 1st date, even though it didn’t come off, is a good first step.
Well I’ve gone on enough. Please don’t be angry with my words, I am an open and honest person. I am a widow of nearly 18 months, I am 41 with no kids. I live with my widowed Dad who has been widowed for 19 months (yes mum died 4weeks before Martin). I’m not bitter, I’m not angry anymore and I’m doing what I’m good at, getting on with it.
Much love to you all and thank you for listening.
Normaxxx
Hello Ladies, I have been following the comments on this site since I lost my husband last November. I don’t post much but read all the comments and am amazed at how helpful they are. This week has been one of the worst for me and I really don’t know why. I think I’m just tired of being tired and crying so much. I didn’t used to be a crying type but can’t seem to stop. I’ve been trying to stop smoking too since I promised him I would and so far that’s not working either. He had stopped smoking years ago but all the years of smoking caught him and he died of cancer. It’s Spring here finally and the lawns and yard are looking so fresh and new I know he would have been so happy to see it. Some of our most enjoyable times were spent working on the yard and garden, having a bit of wine and throwing something on the barbeque for dinner. It doesn’t seem that long ago that we would have the music going and even dance out on the back deck. It hurts so much just to go out on the deck alone now. I’m so tired of “coping” that I just want to scream and that does absolutely no good at all.
Well I guess that’s enough of my feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to say how much I admire you for doing whatever you can to carry on. Hope some day I can offer some useful advice.
Thanks, Gerry
GerryB–My husband had stopped smoking about 5 years before the cancer showed up. I hear of that a lot. Maybe the damage has been done, but sometimes I wonder if stopping has anything to do with how the cells develop. I’m no scientist, but I just wonder about things sometimes. What kind of Cancer did your husband get? I lost Dan in September.. nearly 8 months. It hardly seems possible.
As if I didnt have enough stress…my ex and I are in ugly court battles nearly all the time. Sometimes I wonder how I get up in the morning.
Hi Debie,
Yes I wonder too about that. My husband had lung cancer and had part of one lung removed about 7 yrs ago. He was clear for 5 years then another instance of cancer showed up and he went through radiation treatment for that. All seemed OK but it ended up that the cancer had spread to his lymph nodes and that’s what took him. He always said that he got cancer from “quitting smoking” but then he always did think differently.
Sounds like you do have more than your fair share of stress. Just how tough do we have to be? Wish I knew. All the best to you though, Gerry
Happy Mother’s day to All!
Hi ladies, had a rough couple of days too. I work for a guy and his room mate, who’s a girl. I’ve cooked and clean for him for over ten years. Just to make fun money for my family. Now with my Willie gone, this guy keeps asking me out. Thought we were just friends. Well on Friday he came home early (normally he isn’t there) . He was upset that I turned him down again. He called the night before my birthday (may3) said he wanted to take me to dinner. I told him again, no, but thank you. Told him I’m don’t want to date him or anyone. That it’s to hard. (It’s been just over 6 months for me. Married 30 years.) he actually said ” geez it’s been 6 months” I freaked. I yelled and cried, told him you don’t get over the love of your life, that you spent over 30 years with in 6 months! Then he said well maybe I should let you go, and have Michelle ( the room mate) do my job. I said fine, guess this is my last pay ck. He thought that his pay to me is all I have. It’s not. But it helped a lot. Well then he said he was sorry, he didn’t want me to quit. I said ” you just fired me.” he said no no I’m sorry. Told him I had to leave. Told me to think about keeping the job. So I’m not going to wk at all this week. Let’s see how his room mate does. And if she even wants too. Went to see Will and just cried, talked to him. Then I felt calmer. I know he is with me. Just can’t understand that someone or anyone thinks we should just be fine after only a few months! They don’t know how hard this is. Only you ladies know. My kids think I handled it well, and maybe now he knows nothing is gonna happen, ever. Thanks for listening, means a lot. God bless! Audrey
Audrey…
Im so sorry you’re going through that. What he’s doing is illegal. Sexual Harrassment. I understand if you don’t want to prosecute, but I dont blame you for wanting to stay away from him. Who knows what he’ll do if his anger gets out of control again.
Your kids are right, you handled it well. You are a strong woman. I admire your strength.
-Debie
Also, Audrey…I think it’s great you can talk to your beloved husband. I feel weird talking to the tupperware container in the den…and I really never feel him around me.
A few days before he died, (he was a devout athiest) he told me that he’d see me on the other side of the horizon. (he was also a poet) Sometimes, I wonder if he is just waiting for me-and not trying to be near me now. I know it’s all so weird.
I also am struggling with the fact that some people feel it is 6 months i should be “better” I was married to Rich for 33 years and now just saddness and lonliness. My sister spends alot of time with me still.As she says she is my plus one. But I could have a conversation with Rich about something that happened a while ago and now I have to start all over.Yes I am close to my sister but my husband and I raised 2 sons together. Went through a major sickness . survived having Rich layed off. And doing a house that is 150 years old over. Once a month I go to a brevement meeting it is tonight. I would like to go once and not cry through most of it. I usually love this time of year this year there is a edge to it with sadness Now I am in charge of all the out door things. Usually I could just play in my gardens and Rich did the rest. Just something else that has changed. I want my old normal life back.
I hear ya Cindy,it will be 4 months May 21st for me,Mothers Day yesterday was so hard,he would be the one who made everyone laugh and tell the jokes,I only had 16 years with my sweet John,second marriage for both of us,but my 3 kids were his,so Fathers Day is really going to be rough.My eldest son really helps me,he considered John his Dad in every respect,he misses him so as well.My husband was laid off the last 16 months of his life,everyone says to me well at least You have him with you 24/7 the last part of his life,but he was so stressed out looking for a job and going out to find one,that the time was bittersweet,he had a job for a hundred grand a year to start the week after he passed,instead he left me with no will,no money and if i dont get disability i will lose the house,i go this Thursday for the exam to determine disability. John also completely remodeled our house,so everywhere I look i am reminded of what I lost. My son and I planted flowers for John this Saturday in his pots and son put in the swamp cooler for me,washed the deck and chairs,we finally planted his memorial tree as well and a plaque i bought that went next to tree that say,if love could of saved you,You would of lived forever.So much yard work and most I cant do to my sciatica and spinal stenosis. i too want my old life back,the drives in the mountains in our convertible with the top down,the movie watching together,holding hands,making meals together,cruising together and loving my man,all gone,my kids dont understand except for the eldest son why i still cry,I still grieve,i just miss my soul mate so much and pray i will see him again one day,you were blessed to have 33 years with your Rich,Im sure you would of loved to have 33 more,my hubby was only 53 when he passed.
Twitter: commentluv
May 9, 2011 at 7:43 pm
i hear from so many that there is no timeline on grieving ….
I honestly believe that although I have just went thru the past
6 months , I cant say its any easier than the first day but I try my best
To smile everytime I start crying as I remember those wonderful
Great memories..
I hear some go on in life , to enter into other relationships, I guess
It works for some, I dotn even see it no where in my future,
I guess if its at all meant to be then God will lead me to it, but
Otherwise I cant even imagine thinking about another man or dating
Or any of that, I know some of you ladies are way further down the
Road than I am and some of the other ladies on here, and if God had
Put someone in your life, that is great and I wish you all the best ,
I m still imagining everyday without Julian and how 6 months from now How My life will be , hopefully not worse in in way.
I do not like being alone, I feel lonely and scared a lot, I wish I had my
Julian to just hug up to at night , just to hold his hand , touch his face,
But reality sometimes plays games with my head, I can be in a room
And watching tv and its like I feel he is there with me,
Every morning when I used to get ready for work, I would be putting on My makeup in front of the mirror, and he alwayss would come up to me And put his arms around me and just watch me put my make up un,
And then he would just sit there on the edge of the bed as I finished up
And then every morning like a little kid, twirl myseld around and ask him ” how do I look”, and no matter what I felt like I looked like, he always Told me “beautiful”. Man do I miss those days.!!!!!
Now a funny thing, I do this and ask my youngest grandson the same thing And guess what he tells me ” grandma you look like a princess”,
My broken heart just melts….:)
Its like his paw paw is showing me things thru them grandkids.
They are the ones who keep me going
That was real sweet Sara. Loving my grandkids helps. But like you, I miss his little jokes, tickling me to laugh, and to give up when he thought he was right. Life is lonely right now, and even though my family is around it’s not the same. And work sucks, plan on not going in at all this week, after what happened. Just want to be happy again. God bless!
Hello friends,
It has been 16 months for me and my heart is still broken, I miss my husband terribly, and I lost my very best friend. I came to that realization just the other day when I thought about best friends. I have many good, close friends who have stood by me but not a best friend any longer.
When people tell you ignorant & stupid things such as “it’s been 6 months!” remember they are just that–ignorant & stupid. On Mother’s Day my dad asked why I was so quiet and I told him I just didn’t like to do things without Tim. He blurted out “well, Tim is never coming back you have to get used to it.” Really. Some people just do not have any emotional intelligence.
Love to all, Lori
One foot in front of the other..one of the other people at my brevement group said that last night. I told her that sometimes I am crawling into the next day not even up on my feet.Feeling a little better today. I do get support at the meetings and i listen how these other women are doing. Till I found this place i had no contact with any one close to my pace in this journey. Wondering if I would ever feel like them . There are 2 women that actually feel in love again and got married. One is a widow again. Me I feel like i am never going to let any one touch my heart the way that Rich did. Could not imagine ever loving like that again nor do I have the strength to start all over again.So i am trying to make my life mine (I know this sounds bitter) with no room for another man. because I know I could never go through this again. Thanks for being here
Morning ladies,todays a bad day,its beautiful out and thats hard for me cause he would make the day special,just with his smile and I love you Korina,Cinday and Sara,i know I will never marry again,I could have a best male friend,but intimately John was it for me,I too have to make a life for me but i want to honor my beloved and do things we did together and dreams hopefully someday we wanted to do,its not bitter Cindy,if thats what we can handle more power to us that we got this far,so scared about my physical exam 2 days from now,if i dont fail it,no disability,wont know the outcome for another month or so,but man I dont want to lose my home,I feel its all i have left of him,it hasnt even been 4 months yet and sometimes I find it hard to remember in my mind how he looked doing this or that,no i havent forgotten how he looked,i have way to many pictures around,but nothing that shows him living,breathing,moving around,thats what i find hard to remember,the scent from his clothes is almost gone,i keep trying to find the tangible that lets me know he was alive,that he mattered,and when everyone else tends to forget him,I want to scream out,he mattered,he was here,he was important,he loved you all. Know this makes sense to you guys,cause I feel it in your posts. Love all you guys so much. Korina
It’s been almost three years since my Don went to be with Jesus, and I feel as strongly connected to him today as I did when he was still with me, but in a different way. Before, my focus was on my relationship with him in this existence. Now my focus is on preparing for eternity with our Creator, which includes an eternal relationship with Don. With that kind of perspective, it’s doubtful that I’ll have a romantic relationship with another man….. especially since I don’t want one! Besides, I am finding great joy in developing friendships with other ‘single’ women. While Don was here I was totally satisfied with having him as my best friend, and I didn’t need women friends. Now I am learning how to be a friend to many, rather than focusing on being a best friend to Don. I’d still prefer to have Don and my ‘old life’ back, but, that is not to be in this existence, so I go forward with my ‘new life.’
Jeanine,I agree with you,I believe I will have a eternal relationship with John,my mom has waited 33 years so far to be with my Dad,I lost him in his 50s as well,she will be 91 next month,I prefer my old life as well but am trying to go on with a life without him,I am trying slowly to build that new life U talk about,Im so glad i found this site.
Twitter: commentluv
May 10, 2011 at 7:03 pm
I am sure others feel this same way,
I feel lonely esp at bedtime when I hug his pillow and cry myself to sleep, I , miss Julian so much , I feel lonely when I have to do something by myself, I don’t even want to go anywhere alone, we done every thing together so
That is hard for me, it has been 6 months for and this past weekend was like the First outing thing with family, the holiday were terrible, I have thanksgiving, christmas, New years, then his birthday, those were the toughest….
I also think a lot about where I will be in a year or so from now, im only 48, Still young and full of life, and as bad as it may sound, I miss Julian so much and Yet I know I dont want to be lonely for the rest of my life, I also feel I don’t want To love again and get hurt !!! So I don’t know what tomorrow will bring me but I will just try my best to leave it to God to guide me where he wants me to be..
Sara- I know what you mean about being so lonely without your Julian.
I am 42 and I’m looking down the barrel of being lonely for the rest of my life.
It seems impossible to find the right person out there–and then you find them (miraculously) and then they are gone!
It’s very depressing.
Deb
Korina,
I, too, am glad you found this site. Frankly, I hope I don’t have to wait as long as your mother to join my man … but that’s not my call. My heart goes out to all of you who have to be without your men at a young age. If I look beyond the next few months and think of the possibility of many years without my Don, I’m filled with bleak despair. I’m sure that’s why Scripture tells us:
Matthew 6:34 … do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Therefore, I try to take one day at a time. Right now I am in the process of selling my house to move to a townhouse, so I have a lot to focus on each day. I will be nearer to my son and daughter-in-law, and they will help me update the townhouse to make it ‘mine.’ The change will be another step in establishing a ‘new life.’
Bless all of you ladies! The strength you all show in your posts really helps me through my days! We are all in this awful journey – some further in then others. I really relate to every one of you and where you are in your travels. I am 26 months in and can tell all of you who are a few months in, everything you are feeling and going through is “normal”.
Cindy, continue to “put one foot in front of the other”. It has been 6 months but you were with this man for more than half of your life! Everything is still so raw for you. You need to embrace these emotions and continue to let them make you stronger. At some point down the road, you may not feel as “bitter” about being with another man. Just always leave a door or window open. Your life may take a direction you never expected.
Sara, I understand how you feel about being lonely for the rest of your life. I’m the same way. I honestly don’t know if I want to ever get married again. But the thought of being alone forever really scares me too. Let’s face it…..we may have a lot of company with our children now but they’ll grow up and have lives of their own. I can’t expect my
daughter to always fill that void. Give yourself a break on all of that because your feelings will continue to be all over the place for a long time. Decisions you make right now – good and solid decisions – may seem ridiculous to you 6 months from now. I can honestly tell you that my memory from the minute Den died until a year later is very sketchy. So I believe you are still in somewhat of a state of shock.
Jeanine, I’m with you on developing your girlfriend relationships. Den was pretty much my best friend too. I have 3 really close girlfriends now and I have made a point to nurture these relationships. They have literally been my life line. None of them has lost a hubby but they have all been great cheerleaders and sometimes counselors for me. The trick is to pick people who you REALLY want in your life. Get rid of the people that just suck the life out of you. There is nothing to nurture – they just take and take.
As usual, keep on trucking….and keep the faith that the days will begin to get a little sunnier.
Blessings to all,
Suzanne
Hi everybody,
It makes me smile…Norma for remembering me…somehow I made an impression dispite of my lost. Terre, also. I remembered how you guys answered.
I keep telling myself that maybe I am healed…that I can get off this site. It has been three years and four months. No, I am not healed. The wound will always be there. What makes a difference is the way that I carry myself with the powerful Love, Peace and Harmony.
Barry is my love…the one that I let into my Life…trusting him. He makes me smile still…it is the Love between us. Three and half of a year that we spent together…it was more like twenty years squashed into a short period of time.
Barry would be so proud of me…that is what he saw in me. I will always hold him in Honor.
Suzanne, you said it beautifully…keeping our windows and doors open. We are alive. We need to honor our own spirits and be proud of it.
I am helping a girlfriend right now. She came back down to South Florida to work because she could not find a job up at St. Simons Island, Georgia after a year’s time. Her husband is still up there…learning to deal with his own shit…learning to stand up on his own two feet…instead of dumping off on his wife.
My home is very Sacred. I sage all of my doors and windows, every room. I will not allow any negative energy in. I live in the moment. I say my prayers and do my meditation.
So, my home is a Spiritual Retreat for my girlfriend. It is time for her to heal and become strong again…to rediscover herself. She does not have to feel guilty. I am healing her body, mind and spirit. I am healing her with my foods that I cook. I will be doing meditation and Reiki with her…to further the healing process.
I am still a student in learning.
Love and Peace,
Reverend Mary Lotus Butterfly
Shamballa Reiki Master
Hey Ladies,Im freaking out about my disability physical exam tomorrow,wish me bad luck,that i fail i mean.Trying so hard to be more positive,it works for awhile till I see a old movie we watched,or hear a song,or pass one of his pictures.
Jeanine you are brave to sell your house and move to a townhouse,right now the home John made for me is the only thing that is keeping me together,if I lose it I will be crushed.
Mary Lotus Butterfly bless you for what U are learning,I read a lot of spirituality lately,it must be good to be in tune with yourself and your energy of your soul,right now as i said i am just trying to be happy if I can,so again bless you,well off to get my stuff ready for tomorrow,its a very early appointment. Korina
Good luck to you Korina with your examtomorrow. Were you named after a song? Korina, Korina? What a nice name. I am going out of my head trying to find a job. At my age, (56) I am so particular. I don’t want toworkweekends, I would like something creative or producing something & I would love to work with bikers. They are so much more down to earth and rugged looking. It’s been 4 months now & I fall apart whenever I hear Alan Jackson’s song “I’ll go on loving you” Redwolf loved to sing that to me when we went out. I am so lonely also.
Thanks kathy,I leave in about 10 minutes,Im freaking out! My grandmothers middle name was korina,but I had the song Corina Corina sung to me all the time,I love my name and with my husbands last nam LaCount I always felt regal.Had to listen to that song as i dont like country but man it is beautiful,can see why you tear up when you hear that song.Im 57,good luck on that job hunt,i cant work but my hubby at 53 before he died was unemployed for 16 months,its really rough out there,thats why Im counting on this disability. Well I have gotta leave,wish me bad luck that i fail the test. korina
I am crying on my way to work again. . I talk to myself all the time . This morning I have alot of anger mixed with the saddness. I am so tired from trying to do all the things around the house I need to. Tobe there for the 3 year old in my life and then i realize I am angry at Rich for leaving me this way.I feel like I am in a blender and someone else has the control. Why would the love of my life leave me to live this lonely life. I am eating to stuff the feeling down so needless to say the weight has crept on which also makes me feel like crap. I see couple walking and holding hands especially the older ones and again I cry and then move into anger. I really have not read anyone dealing with this anger stuff. Is anyone else as jumbled as I am. It reminds me in a way how sometimes we could get mad at each other but we had a chance to talk to hug to make up. This time I dont have that chance
Cindy…I’m angry a lot too. There are many times that I think, “he was supposed to be here for this” or “He’d know what to do” or “He bailed out on me”. Before he died, he said, “I feel like I’m letting you down”. Of course I told him that he wasnt-BUT HE DID! He DIED and abandoned me here with this life that we created together and were supposed to LIVE together. And then the GUILT sets in….of course he would have lived if he could…he would be here for me if he could have…So if I can’t blame him (and this certainly isnt MY fault!) who do I blame….God of course.
Now we all know how productive THAT is…
To be honest…it just hurts. And I still live the hurt-no matter who I try to make be accountable for this disaster.
Sorry I couldnt be more encouraging–I think we all hurt, and we probably all have times of anger.
Hello friends,
Cindy & Debie, I have been exactly where you are and still have those days. It has been 16 months. Some days I had to pull over and get off the highway I was crying so hard. I too have been “feeding” the need and gained about 15 pounds. I vowed to get back to the gym but, honestly, I don’t have the desire. On Mother’s Day I noticed 2 elderly couples having breakfast and got teary-eyed because that was suppose to be us! I was so angry and sad. I feel gypped and extremely sad our 4 children (26, 23, 15 and 10) do not have their dad and my granddaughter doesn’t know her grandpa.
Thankfully, we have each other because no one else knows what this is like.
Love, Lori
Hi, I was mad for awhile also,now I’m just sad, lonely,depressed and worrying what to do about myself. I blamed my self & still do many times for not “trying to save him”. Like I shoulda called 911 earlier, if only I took him to the hospital, maybe he could of been saved. I went to a griefe shar e for 13 weeks.It kind of helped me, but most of it was turning my life over to god, what church am I going to & do blessed things every day. nothing common sense. I was told god needed him more than I, at least he is not in pain, etc. but does that make me happy? hell no, I still need him,want him,miss him every damn second of every day. as time is passing I grow less anxiety, & more sadder.
Kathy, you sound like me. I regret to this day (my husband died on NewYear’s Eve) that I didn’t try to give him CPR and instead kept running up and down the stairs calling the Fire Dept. a second time. I keep thinking that I should have tried to save him…..it is my biggest regret. Now I know that I am not totally crazy.
I hate to sound like the heathen of the group, but that BullCrap of God needing him more than I do…I just dont buy it. God is all powerful, he doesnt need my husband. Now I suppose that God can help me through this hard time if I let him..but I dont think Dan is up there managing
God’s investments. Personally, Im not to0 happy with God right now (and I think he can handle that)-When I’m done being pissed at him, maybe we’ll talk. I just dont see any productive thing to come out of a 51 year old man wasting away to cancer and leaving his 41 year old wife and three girls to mourn him. So any grief program that would spout that crap to me could just stuff it. If that helps any of you guys–Im all for it! It’s all our own personal journey. Do what works.
I’ve gone back to my gym membership. Of course the last two years being his 24/7 nurse, I’ve let myself go–and I’m looking at trying to ditch my blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds and diabetic meds so that I can get my own health insurance policy when his Cobra plan dumps me next March.
UGH.
Cathy,Lori,Debbie,Cindy,we ALL have those anger days and I say good for us,if we kept everything bottled up like people want us to do we would go crazy.Acceptance is hard,its great to believe that we will see our hubbys again someday,but the physical we will never have back again,even when we pass we wont be able to touch again,just to see his blue eyes twinkel at me one more time would be such a blessing,instead his eyes were taken and they have just told me recently they werent even viable but thanks for your generous donation,it wasnt mine,John left his body to science but the heart and head were destroyed so not much to give.Ive read the secret my daughter gave me for Mothers Day,Im trying to be positive and happy and live in the now and for him but its so DAMN hard girls,you know it,I dont care if its 5 months or 15 years we arent gonna forget the man we loved more than our lives itself,I dont think they is anything wrong with any of us,if we have to grieve,cry,scream,throw a tantrum,break some things whatever,as long as we make it thru the day,we are survivors and warriors of the heart. Korina
I also get angry. Seeing happy couples, grandparents with their grandchildren. I am angry because I am left with a lot of “stuff” to handle financially as well as personally and because he is not going to share our grandchildren growing up and all the things that go with that. Most people don’t understand and I agree, that it doesn’t matter whether it is 5 months or 40 years, you still miss them and the dreams you weaved together. I don’t like the way people give you those “looks.” Either the “Poor Widow” looks or “surely it has been over a year-you must be over it.”
People keep asking if you can go to eat, movies, trips, shopping. They don’t understand that I am left with all the bills, house, car, maintenance – everything on just my meager salary. They look at me as if I am nuts ’cause I can’t go out like I did before. Gas and everything keeps going up, but my salary is the same – actually went down a little due to the fact that we now have to contribute 3% of our salary to our retirement. I am not sad that I can’t go out as I live very simple – I just don’t like the invites and then their disappointing looks
Karen
I tried this grief share expecting some common sense help, but found it was all about turning my life over to god, what church did i go to, wanna join ours etc. My husband was a cherokee indian, he had his own way of praying, his 1st wife spent all her time in church, left him, he wanted someone to have fun with. we spent all our time enjoying life, going places,just loving & living. I had my own faith,but I’m not a holy roler, I would rather go places & do things. too. I know god is up there, I pray when I need to. But life is for living. & where is my man when I need him? God took him to ease his pain I guess, but that sill doesn’t make it any easier does it? Redwolf had so many vietnam problems, copd, conjestive heart failure, diabetes, ptsd, agent orange. neuropathy, back back problems. But we still manged to have fun while he was alive. I had to sell his huge Harley to pay offf my car. But so far I’m keeping his mustang.
Oh friends, you made me smile this morning. I have ALL those feelings and am really pissed at God too. I believe He has big shoulders and can handle it and was probably expecting it. My husband was only 52–much to0 young, I am now 49 raising kids on my own. I would love to know God’s plan and why He took a fabulous dad away from kids who need & want him back. Hey Kathy, my husband was part Chippewa Indian!
Love to all,
Lori
Thank goodness I am not the only one who gets angry. Some family members have been wanting me to go to griefshare, and I know they mean well but I keep thinking how the first time someone there tries to tell me this is part of God’s plan, and I say God can go to Hell, well I’m sure I would be escorted from the building. Religion gives people comfort, and I would never want to try and take comfort from anyone, but for me, it is as much comfort as cold ashes. All I know is, Chuck and I would never cause anyone pain like this.
I sometimes get angry at Chuck also, but then I feel guilty because I know he didn’t want this either. I wonder where he is, and if he is having an easier time adjusting than I am. I hope he is. It’ll be 15 weeks on Saturday.
Marian
I know what you mean about griefshare. It’s all about god. that might be good for some people, I’mmore down toearth, realistic. My husband’s “real legal name was Charles, Chuck” also. But he liked to go by his cherokee name Redwolf. Today is exactly 4 months to the day since he died.
Marian and Kathy,I hate that we all share about the same time our hubbys died,it will be 4 months a week from today for me and my John.Marian from what Ive learned in spiritual books(not religious) they are happy,they are progressing in their soul life and learning to correct the mistakes they made here and waiting for us to join them,they are with us all the time,even though most of us,me included dont see them or feel their presense,they wish they could end our grief,but cant,they do try to tell us the more days that pass the closer we are to them,and that we have to finish our lessons here,they have,thats why they are in the next dimension already.mediatation does help and talking to him,sometimes I just know he is with me,its just a feeling.It doesnt stop the grief or the anger,or the frustration but as I said we will see them again,we have to believe that.Read George Andersons book Lessons from the light,especially the chapter on losing a spouse,i think it will help,that is if you want to believe,my hubby and I used to scoff at this before he died,after my daughter who is very spiritual took me to a meduim,she knew things only John and i could of known,it was a great comfort,again U have to open your mind to it. This may be a help or may not,no one has to follow anyones advice,just putting it out there,again it does not stop the pain,but lessens it some,some days,and explains a lot to me. Hugs to all of us. Korina
Korina, I too have read some books about psychic mediums and am thinking about going to one. It’s been almost six months since my husband died and I only had a couple of dreams that I can remember with him in them. Can you tell me how it works with the medium? I have also felt that he is still with me at times but I’m not sure whether it’s just me losing what’s left of my mind. Thanks, Gerry
I did something I was not sure I was going to be able to do. I donated Rich’s clothes to “Soldier On”. It is a home for homeless vets. I still have several shirts to wear and think that his arms are around me. It feels werid a step in the new life that has been handed to me, also very sad a letting go.
I donated all Redwolf’s regular every day clothes, shirts, shorts, jeans, diabetic socks, & compressed stockings, diabetic shoes etc to a homeless shelter near where I live. I didn’t want them to get sold in a thrift shop. I felt good about doing something worthwhile.
Hi Korina, I know what you mean, I feel my husband Will around me. Not all the time ( I wish). I also spoke with a medium, once a month after and again in April for our 30th anniversary. She told me things she couldn’t have known. Like how he had facial hair but then he didn’t, and he was frowning it back for me. He always had a mustache shaved it for his surgery. Told him I wanted it back, and that is what he was doing for me. Told our kids things too. I know many people don’t believe, but when they can tell you things they couldn’t have looked up, things they couldn’t have known, it’s amazing. It’s 6 1/2 months for me, still hard. I think it always will be. Take care… God bless! Audrey
I meant growing it back for me! Lol
Afternoon, Good Morning or Good Evening, where ever you are in the world.
I see fantastic bonds being made here amoungst the ladies starting their journey. So much in common and so much to share.
Cindy, sweetness. You are doing better than you think. We all understand how tough it is. Putting your husbands things to better use is an amazing step. I have 2 jumpers, 2 shirts and his slippers left. I gave his good coats and overcoats to my Dad, and his cuff links to a friend. I still have his watch, and few other personal things and all of his CDs, some of which are definitely not my cup of tea, but can’t give them away. Everytime I think about it, I hear him, so no they will stay with me.
I’ve been feeling good this past week, and although as you know I’m ready to move on, I know it’s not that easy. I’ve been staring at his picture and rubbing his face at work. And I came across someone who didn’t know he had died. I thought I was going to be alright with that, but when I said the fatal words, “Martin died 18 months ago” a little lump came to my throat. Funny how the littlest of things can take you back to that moment.
MLB, I bow with hands together, at your reverance.
God, well you have all been saying a few things about God recently. IF you have faith, then try to keep it. Being angry at God is natural, we all need to be angry with someone or something. When you are ready, you will feel at peace and your faith will continue to help you through.
I don’t believe in God, but I respect people who have faith. I have faith in myself above anything, I am the one I can rely on to get me through this journey and it is only me that can make it through this journey. I might have help along the way, but ultimately it is all down to me.
Peace, love and strength.
Much love
Normaxxx
Hello ladies,
I feel so sad that there seems to be so much anger toward God for some of you. You keep blaming God for your losses. God did not give your
men their diseases – Man did.
Every one of our husbands died because of our earthly failures. They got cancer, heart disease or something else because of what we have created on earth. God is the Shephard of our souls – not our earthly vessels! God is only GOOD – He does not create BAD.
You ladies that are so early in – welcome – but know that your feelings will change like the weather. I am 26 months into my “2nd life” and know that I have changed a lifetime in that time frame. Don’t expect too much of yourself for a long time. Do the best you can. Don’t make any BIG changes for a while. And don’t forget to BREATHE!
Suzanne
So true Suzanne,
God is our Creator and the source of all that is good and healthy. He wants us to also be good and healthy so much that He came into this existence to die for us so we can have the opportunity to make the choice to follow the way He has shown us through Jesus. Our (cumulative, not necessarily individual) choices have brought the ‘bad’ into this existence that ultimately caused our husbands to die at an early age. This is much bigger than our individual lives.
Next month it will be three months since my man died, and I waited until just recently to go through the GriefShare program. I’m glad I waited. I can see why those of you who took it when you were still raw in your pain, and not committed to Jesus, would find it upsetting. I took exception with the way they presented some of their points, but overall I found it helpful. Next Saturday I am going through training to become a facilitator of the program, but I won’t do it if they don’t allow me to present some points differently.
I agree with Suzanne…. don’t forget to breathe…. and remember that every breath is a gift from our Creator.
Jeanine
Sigh. I meant to type that next month it will be three YEARS since my man died. Some days it feels like it has been only three months, though.
Jeanine
I forgot to ask you Korina……how did your SS interview go?
I hope to your advantage!!
Hugs,
Suzanne
Suzanne it wasnt a interview but a physical exam to determine if i am disabled. it was terrible,I got there the 20 minutes before the exam as stated to do,I had to have someone drive me as my feet are so numb I cant drive,no one was there. We waited 20 minutes then at 8 am called my case worker,he said to wait 15 more minutes and if they didnt show up they werent getting paid and would have to reshedule me,I told him the lady in the car with me was almost as disabled as i but we waited,they showed at 8:10 am. i was ushered in,told to give ID,then my meds so they could copy them all down,then i was given a mini mental test,what state do i live in,whos the president,copy these triaangles on paper,name back objects ect.then i was weighed and measured,then i was taken in a room(this was done in a chiropractors office) and told to breathe into this machine,i had a clip over my nose and had to breathe 4 times at a count of 10,I got extremely dizzy and light headed and got a extreme headache,then they took me for a bunch of x-rays,then another pulmonary test,i thought i was gonna pass out,then the doctor came in,did a rountine physical then a neurological one,had me try to walk on my tippy toes(couldnt do) walk a straight line like i was drunk(couldnt do),get down on the floor then try to get up(couldnt do) he had to get me up,he felt my legs,spine back ect.,and asked me what hurt,then he left,then the damn nurse came back,made me take some medicine and did the pulmonary test again,by this time i had such a raging headache I wanted to scream,then the doctor came back,asked me to do some more exercises,then he said i could leave,I no sooner got in the car than the techie guy comes running out and says wait,the xrays didnt come out,you have to take them again,so back in,i didnt like to have more radiation pouring thru me,got undressed and was xrayed again,then I asked should i wait to see if they turned out cause if they didnt I wasnt going thru it again,they said I could leave,total 2 hours,they said up to 2 months before i would know if I was denied or approved.
I too agree its our fault usually why we die,my husband died of aortic dissection,what john Ritter died of,but the doctor said if he had gone to the doctor more they probably would of caught it,he had high blood pressure that went and contributed to the torn aorta. The fact he was unemployed the last 16 months of his life changed nothing,cause even if he had had a job,i doubt he would of gone to the doctor,he always felt fine,many times he told me you are the sick one not me,I was so angry at him at 1st after he passed cause if he had taken care of himself he might still be here,but I also believe it is pre ordained when u die,if he hadnt died of this it would of been a car accident or something else,when its your time to go,when U have finished what u need to do here on Earth you die,my father went in his 50s as well,was just having a new knee put in and a blood clot went to his heart the day he was to come home and killed him instantly.I always thought I would be the 1st to go,i have so many health problems and we always both told each other we couldnt live without the other,in fact one of the last things my John said to me as we drove to the hospital was Wouldnt it be great if we got in a accident and both died,that way we wouldnt have to live without each other,thats how much we love each other,I know i will see him again,but the wait is so long. korina
You all know by now, that I don’t believe in GOD and as much as I don’t want to get in to the debate, I have something I want to say.
When GOD sent the flood, Noah was told that this is the last time GOD will intervene. IF we continued to act as muppets, then GOD wanted nothing more to do with humanity. We are not the centre of the universe and life on earth doesn’t revolve around the human race. We are but intelligent animals who can make choices.
Our men have died. That’s it. It’s not GOD’s fault, it’s not humanity’s fault. It is the way it is. I wish it were different.
From Korina’s point of view if you believe your time’s up when it’s up. I urge to take a look at some statistics. How many stories have you heard of service men and women surviving the horrors of war only to die when they have returned home. I can think of 6 here in the UK, including a US service woman who had a tyre explode on her lap whilst on holiday here. Is that like dodging the bullet because you aren’t meant to die today, your time isn’t up for another few months?
Anyway, I’m sorry that we all need to try and find someone to blame for our men leaving us, is it not better to blame GOD for it, rather than blame ourselves? Your GOD will forgive you as you will forgive GOD.
Take care of yourselves ladies, and please excuse my words.
Peace, love and strength
Norma xxx
I agree with Norma that we are not the center of the universe and life on earth does not revolve around the human race…. that’s God’s role. He created the universe and life, and it is all about Him and His plan. In Genesis 8 He said that He would never destroy all life on earth again, but He did not say He would never intervene again. In fact, He intervened in a mighty way when He became the human called Jesus. It is through Jesus that I have found the strength to be able to survive after the loss of my husband.
I also agree with Norma that this is not a good place to have a debate. If I understand Corinne correctly, she set this up as a ‘survival guide’ for those who have lost their husbands. Norma has done a wonderful job of expressing what she is doing to survive her loss, and I have attempted to express what I do to survive…. and I think both of us are trying to be a support for others.
Like everyone else who comes to this site, I am hurting and trying to understand why I had to lose my husband the way I did. I have no answer to that question, but have learned to trust the One who knows far more than I can begin to understand, and that trust gives me joy and peace. I am praying that you all can experience the same joy and peace.
Blessings,
Jeanine
First of all ladies i do believe in God,it may not be the same God of very religious people but a being that watches over us,takes care of us,died for us,yes that I all believe,but I also believe our spirit carrys on,that we dont have to wait till the coming again of Christ,that our husbands are waiting for us when we pass,and that marriage does continue even though the bible says it does not,many are talking now about a new, new testament where we do get to continue marriage.
Gerri.there are so many quacks out there,dont bother with the meta physical fairs,or physics or such,you need to have a reading from a medium,I had one thru Carole Obley,U can google her online,i did a hour which is 165 dollars,u can do a half hour,mine was paid by friends and such,it was done over the phone and she told me stuff only John and i knew,along with friends and family on his side and mine that a lot of people didnt know about and things happening right now in the present like a leaking faucet my son had which i didnt know about and found out was true,U only give your first name,and answer yes or no to questions and information,if U have to feed info to them they are not truly clairvoent,as i said I used to scoff at this stuff but no longer,one of the things brought up to validate that I was speaking to him was a mention of a carousel horse with a gold bridel,i gave him one 8 years ago,no one knew this but me and John,not even my kids,he had always wanted a carosel horse but too expensive and and big for living room,I bought him a spun crystal carosel horse with a gold bridel which is in our china cabinet. it was a great valadation for me.It is also recorded for U so U can hear it on real player on your computer and hear it over,cause you are very emotional when it happens.
Jeannine blessings to you my friend,we are all taking it one day at a time,weekends are the worse for me,just finished watching Army wives and Coming Home,both tear jerkers for me as hubby was in the army. Hugs to all of us. Korina
I’m glad someone else watches Army wives. My husband & I always watched it, it was like relating to him when he was in the army. I still watch it & cry when scenes get so real. Then I watch “Baggage & the Newleywed shows” we used to watch them together & laugh over the amazing questions. So many memories. I’mcrying less, does that make any sense? It’s been 4 months now & I still haven’t found a good job.christ!
Suzanne, just read what you wrote. I know there are people who blame God. But not all, my husband was always healthy. Never wore glasses, never was on any meds. I always gave him vitamins. It was a fluke that a tumor grew on his pituitary gland, not cancer. It was a stupid blood clot that brought him down. Like you said God is good, and he has his reasons, for taking my husband home. I’m grateful to God for giving him a great quality of life. Never once blamed God or my husband. They say in many of of the books I have read, we are here to learn, then go home. Just wish my husband wasn’t so smart! It’s been 6 1/2 months for me. I know God is with me as well as my husband showing me the way. We all need some kind of faith and love to get through this. And we can do it together. God bless! Audrey
Greetings ladies,
I agree that this isn’t the platform to debate religion. I was just responding to someone mentioning blaming God.
I find this site extremely therapeutic and look forward to reading
everyones comments. I hope that my comments might also help someone else through their grief.
I had a really good weekend – as I pray each of you did. My daughter
came home for the summer from college. She just restarted her summer job at a pool supply store. We’re in Florida so you can imagine that it’s a busy time for them! I also had an enjoyable day with my new “friend” Jim. We went hiking and exploring an archeological site in our area. We’re taking this real slow and easy. Enjoying our friendship first and foremost. The great thing is that he is very personable. He came in to the house yesterday, sat down and started
conversing with my daughter like he knew her forever. The last guy I was with didn’t even want to know my daughter! Needless to say, she told me later that she really likes Jim and is glad that I’m seeing him. WOW! What a change. She couldn’t stand the last guy.
So I really feel at peace with the direction my life is heading. Hope all of you have a good week.
Blessings,
Suzanne
Suzanne…Im so happy that your weekend went so well! Jim sounds nice.
I also agree that this isnt a site for theological debate, but somehow it comes up from time to time.
I’m pretty sure that if there is a God, he understands why I am so angry. I went through two terrible marriages before I met Dan online. Dan and I “dated” from 3000 miles apart and every time he went back to the east coast from visiting me, I felt abandoned. A few days before he died–I was sitting near him and when I looked at him, that feeling returned like a flood over me…I was being abandoned again, only this time, permanently.
There was no way to “fix” this one. Last time, I moved from California to be with him “forever” and not to be abandoned. We spent 8 glorious years together with my 3 children creating a beautiful loving home. And then BAM, it’s like the lady’s voice in the airport comes on and says his flight is ready to leave to take him away again….Forever. I never felt a flood of vulnerability like that before…seeing him there in front of me-slipping away. I never once have felt him around me….he’s gone. And I’m here fighting the wolves from the door on every front. The last time I was in court I thought to myself, Dan-If you’re here, please help me. Of course it went bad. My ex is terrorizing me every way he can…trying to scare me.
Thanks for listening-I’m sure this was a rant because I’m sitting here bawling.
Debie
My love to you Jeanie (sorry, it’s my affection term for you). Although you have hijacked my words,
effectionately of course, I do not believe in GOD, but I agree I’m just trying to help.
If you have faith it will help you through this journey. Whether that’s blaming a GOD for taking your husband or turning to a GOD for comfort. Although areas of faith differ, one thing remains constant, FAITH. Christianity and Spiritulism has it’s place and is very prominent in the UK. I’m not knocking anything that you may believe in so please do not think that.
Suzanne, as a non believer I don’t pray either. I go through my life Being Good To Each Other. I don’t do it out of duty, I don’t do it out of hope of reaching a better place when I die, I do it because it is who I am. I know life is hard and the comfort I get is treating everyone the same way. Unjudgementaly, honestly and always ready to help anyone who asks, if I can.
A GOD will always be a part of our grief, we can each give the advice according to our believes and then my sweet ladies, we will each take the advice we need.
Kathy – my dear friends would say, why not have a quick word with Jesus and see if he can help. I’m sure they are all praying for you anyway, but who knows it might help. All I can offer is my support.
I love you all. Keep the FAITH ladies.
PS – I too haven’t felt my husbands presence and it has been nearly 18 months since he passed. Martin’s believe was different from mine and if his is true, then he is too busy to worry about me as he’ll be having a rip roaring time!
Much love, peace and strength
Normaxxx
I was born and raised a catholic, but I do not believe God needed my husband more then i did. as sad is for me to admit it, it was Rich’s time. I pray to a higher power and ask for help and strength. i now go to a Congregational church and love the fact that life is not black or white there is alot of colors in this life. I do talk to Rich alot and lately through odd things happening I believe he is trying to talk to me. I have been talking to a medium so see if it might be something I want to try. I know i would love to hear my loves voice again. i have pictures all over the house..so I can see his face when ever I need to. sometimes I cry other times i talk and sometimes i even laugh(not enough).
Oh Debie, how horrible for you to carry your burden of grief and then
have to go fight your ex in court. Is this man that insensitive that he must drag you into court knowing what you’ve recently been through? You certainly are heavily burdened at this point in your life. Dan is with you at this time – you just have to believe it. When you feel the most stressed and abandoned, ask yourself “what would Dan do about this?” I do this often when faced with some hard decisions. I knew my Den very well and always knew how he would react to solving problems. So I go to a place in my mind and talk to him as if he were with me. It comforts me and makes me feel that he is still with me.
Remember my prayers are with you – and all you ladies! One day at a time!
Blessings,
Suzanne
My husband passed two and a half months ago. I had a 20 minute psychic phone reading a few weeks ago. She said my husband came through and relayed his thoughts to me. I totally believe it was him. It was very comforting. I just needed to know he was with me and my son. I wish I could hear from him all the time because I have so many questions. I feel like I have been in a tornado. My life has been picked up, spun around and thrown back down. I’m running around trying to put it all back together again. Unfortunately there is a hugh missing piece.
Twitter: commentluv
May 16, 2011 at 8:11 pm
hello ladies,
first of all Sandy, i am so sorry for your loss , i know that feeling, a part of me is gone, i dont know what to do anymore without Julian,
it has been 6 long and hard months itsfeels like our heart is tearing apart, i will def keep you alongwith all the other ladies on here in my prayers, this is a awesome placeto be, we all understand each other come vent it has really helped me, we will help each other.
HUGS TO ALL OF YOU
Like that song says….”Learn to live, Half of a life” That’s how it feels. I know everyone keeps talking about how long to keep the “stuff”…It’s been 7 months and I still can’t touch a thing. All of his clothes still hang exactly where he left them…his hat hangs on the back of his closet door hook just where he left it. It was his favorite hat…it said, “I’m not dead yet” He used to love to wear it to his oncology appointments and see the shock on everyone’s face. I saw it tonight and thought…Yep, you are now.
Awwww Debi I’m like you! It’s 6 1/2 months for me. All his clothes are still in his closet and dresser. His shoes are still downstairs by mine. His cologne still in our bathroom. Just don’t have the heart to move it. Even though my boys can use it. They still aren’t ready either. Our youngest does wear his dads night slippers, which makes me happy. I watched our youngest granddaughter today, she went into the living room, I called to her. She is 3, and says I need to see papa. She was on the floor looking at a photo album. Broke my heart. But I tell her he is always watching over her. She smiles, she knows. My oldest daughter had to have knee surgery today. We are all freaked, thinking of a possibility of a blood clot. ( that is what brought my husband down) she is supposed to take aspirin now to avoid that. But it still so scary. She has been my rock. She did well, but in pain. I hope and pray everyday that we all find peace and strength to get through this. Thanks for listening! Audrey
My husband died May 2, 2011. He was diagnose with liver cancer week of March 14 2011. Sent home to die. I begged him not to leave me. I knew he had too. He was in so much pain. Cancer eating him from the inside out. All I can say now is Oh God, Oh God. It hurts so much. I cry every day. I cry because I know this will be my life for a long time. I feel so abandon.
Barb, I feel so sad for you! I came on this forum because my husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack in March, and I thought reading these entries from women in a similar position might help. I’ve got a few months distance from what happened, but I’m so sad for you and your pain. I can tell you that is does get better. It really does. I miss him so much every day, but it doesn’t hurt as much now as it did a few months ago. Please take care, and know that others are thinking about you.
Thank you Laura for your compassion and words of comfort.
Barb my heart goes out to you,its hard,I just spilled dog food and water cause i can barely bend and started screaming and wailing up a storn,just cause its so hard for me to do these things and i want him back.Just try to take each day minute by minute,i dont envy you cause you are probably in the numb stage right now and when that wears off,at least for me,then i really started grieving,it will be 4 months this Sat.
I too havent been able to get rid of anything of his except for a few small tokens i gave his sisters when they came for the memorial in late January,Im taking a few more small tokens home in June when i go to scatter some of his ashes.
Yes as time goes by it does hurt less but i still cry every day for what might of been,the lost dreams the touching,the loving,the physical,hugs to you my friend. korina
Thank you Korina. Reading your post lets me know that others feel the same way I do. My grief is understood and I feel that I have a right/permission to grieve the way I want. You are right, I am mourning the lost dreams, his hugs, the plans we made, the trips we were going to take, etc. I keep waiting for him to turn the key in the door. For a minute, I think he left me a voicemail (light is flashing). Then I catch myself and realize the message is not from him. Weird how the mind works.
Twitter: commentluv
May 17, 2011 at 9:30 pm
hey ladies,
It was 6 months for me on may 1st, i stil have not touched a thing of Julians, i am not ready for that, i guess i feel that if i hang on to it, he is somehow stll with me, i dont know. i guess i will know when it s the right time ….
i am so lonely, i hate betime, i dont sleep much , the loniless…
the awesome love , and intimatcy we shared, makes me cry esp
when i just a hug or kiss or closeness.
i hate being alone !!!!!
i wonder sometimes if God will show me happinesss ever?
not that i m no where ready but im so lonely, i dont have anyone
to talk to personally like i did to julian
its 11 20, i should be in lala land dreaming, but im lonely and not sleepy. and have to get up at430.
HUGS TO YOU ALL.
good night
Barb, so sorry you join our club. It’s one none of us wants to be in. You will hear one of his favorite songs, and cry. You will remember one of his sayings, and cry. A special day will come up, and you’ll cry. Honey this will be the hardest thing for you to go through, but let family and friends help you. Don’t be afraid to ask. It’s 6 1/2 months for me, still very hard. Thinking what we’d be doing right now, and alone. But it will get better. I still cry everyday, go see him as much as I can. Talk out loud to him too. I know he is listening. There is a best seller book out ” heaven is for real”. You need to read it. Great book, no matter what religion you are won’t matter. Many of us have read it. It will help. Sweetie my heart goes out to you. Take care!! Audrey
Hi–I am glad I found this site..My husband committed suicide on April 2…48 years old..he had been depressed –on top of that he was FDNY there 9/11 and had PTSd and anxiety–the last three months of his life–he was a mess–not enough help–too much drugs–its terrible–the worse part (well it all is really bad)–is everyone else is reeling too and everyone pretty much has scattered–like someone said–they are all now faced with OMG–they are going to die one day too–since then I have found out 10 firefighters in 11 months (from 9/11) have committed suicide and another one last week–it is so terrible–we were attached at the hip–I did everything to help him–but obviously failed–people keep asking to clean out his stuff for me (its only been 6 1/2 weeks)–i am not ready–EVERYTHING is EXACTLY as he left it..and will stay that way–I am only 45–not sure if I should stay here or move on with him…it’s too much and the lack of support is unbearable…I do feel him time to time–and had two connections in my dreams–that were real..the worse is no one to call for any stupid thing and no one to sleep next too each night…I know 9/11 widows–almost 10 years later–they are a mess–what am I suppose to do to get through this??? feels impossible….
Paula,1st and foremost i want to thank your husband for being there for us September of 2001 in New York,not that i wish anyone dead but its too bad your hubby didnt kn ow that Osama Bin Laden is gone and has paid for his sins,depression is very hard,we are all suffering from it in varying ways,i am sure you were there for him till the end,but sometimes people cant see beyoond there own pain to except help,that is what groups like these are for,Im here for you,yes we all want to be with our beloveds but joining him now is not the answer,we all have a purpose here on life to fulfill,me of all I know this and I am disabled,I only get up to let the dogs out,I ask myself over and over why am I still here,maybe its just to give you a little comfort and know you are loved by me and all of us,are there answers,yes,but we can only find them within ourselves unfornately,time right now is our enemy,cause we miss them so physically,know your husband no longer suffers,even though he committed suicide he is being watched over now and counseled,he knows now what he did was wrong and he wants you to know hes sorry,that he loves you and to forgive him,when you do you will find the comfort of knowing he is in your heart,always. Dont let anyone tell you how to feel,keep his stuff,its been 4 months now for me and if when a year goes by and I still have his stuff so what,if it gives you some release then his stuff around you is what you need,take solace in his pictures,his clothes,the hobbies that made him happy,and if you ever want to call i will give you my number,im home all day and I would love literally to cry with you for the loss of our hubbys,know you are NEVER alone Paula,I love you and many hugs,dont be afraid to reach out,we all need a hug,a word of encouragement,a simple gesture of love,your friend,korina
Hi Korina: I would love to talk with you. I seldom post but am still having a miserable time. Love, Terre
Terre,hope i am allowed to do this on this site,my telephone no is 1-719-391-9763,email klacount@hotmail.com and I am on facebook too Korina LaCount,Paula here is the info for U as well or anyone else that wants to reach out and call,please Corrine for this site.
meant to say praise Corrine for this site not please
Paula sweetness, depression is a difficult thing to be a crutch for. No matter what you did for your husband, ultimately his fate was out of your hands. Do not rush in to anything right now, it is two raw for you. It is difficult to stay focused during this time, but as someone who has lived through another’s depression, I know from experience the strength you have. Dig deep, Paula, find the same strength that has got you through these past 10years and focus on getting through the next 10 hours, 1o days, 10 weeks.
When you need extra strength, when you need to get dark thoughts out of your head, come and speak to us. Everyone here can offer you support, they can help you because we have all shared the same experience and that is the loss of our partner. No matter how they died the grief is the same and we are good at sharing our experiences.
I ask you to keep in touch, stay with us and let us help you through this difficult time, we are ALL here for you.
Peace, love and strength.
Normaxxx
Paula, so so sorry for your loss. This is so hard. Don’t let anyone tell you when to remove his things. That is your decision no one else. It’s 6 1/2 months for me. My husbands things are right where he left it. I’m not ready. Your husband is a hero! You must be very proud. Please don’t join him yet. It’s not your time sweetie, life will get better. Yeah I still cry everyday, but I know my husband is happy and doing well. I know yours is too. He is proud of how strong you are! Because you are! Take care and keep talking to him. You might consider a medium. It helped me so much. Told me things she couldn’t have know, personal things. Do what you need to, to feel better. We are all here for you! God bless!
I found this site while googling.
My husband is not gone yet, but the end is near. I am so overwhelmed.
I don’t even know what I want to say. Just that the sadness is overwhelming and he isn’t even gone yet. We have 2 children, 12 & 15, how am I ever going to help them through this if i can’t deal with it?? I can’t do anything, sleep, eat. I just keep asking why us? Diagnosed with leukemia in Nov 2011 and we will be happy if he makes it to June. Why , I just don’t understand?
Hello, to all the lovely, sad ladies posting here.
Most of you probably don’t know me. I see a few of my old friends here from the past….Lori, Norma, Jeanine, and, of course, Corinne, the creator of this wonderful forum. Hello to all of you and send you my love.
First, and formost, I want to extend my condolences to all of you.
Shawna, please stay with us. You will find great compassion, love and support from everyone. We are all here for you.
My husband, Bob, passed away May 7th, 2010, and I’ve just survived the 12-month anniversary of his death. He was misdiagnosed with a “fractured rib,” then misdiagnosed with “pneumonia,” then correctly diagnosed with fourth stage lung cancer one week before he died. It’s been a long, arduous journey, thus far. The emotional impact of this loss is far above and beyond anything we can prepare ourselves for. You just have to take all of it ONE DAY AT A TIME and, hopefully, family and friends will remain to support you. The stresses of financial and legal matters add to the mixture of grief we are all experiencing.
Bob and I were married for 32 years and, honestly, the impact of losing him is just and real and raw as it was a year ago. Tried to move twice, but didn’t. I’m still in the same place, by choice. For me, what was most traumatizing was the hospice care (at home) knowing he wasn’t going to make it. He lasted five days….then, the numbness and shock set in. You’re on “auto pilot” for some time. Try not to make any major decisions if you don’t have to. Stay grounded as best you can. Don’t part with anything, unless you’re 100% comfortable to do so. Sometimes, it’s those little things that mean the most. Don’t ever feel you have to part with anything if you don’t want to. Hold on to it, girls, treasure those belongings and keep them with you close to your hearts.
I read your posts every day and want all of you to know how much you have helped me survive THIS. Wanted you to know I’m still here for all of you and thank you for your contributions letting me know I’m really a normal person suffering greatly from the loss of my wonderful husband, Bob.
Sending each and every one of you a hug with lots of love…
Marilyn
So many people so many different stories yet so many things are the same. The lonliness not to have someone to talk to in the depth that we all could since our husbands have passed. The financial stress just keeps piling up, it is hard to survive on one income or none for some of us. Paula i am so sorry for all you have gone through, and all your husband gave up for all of us on 9/11. Rich had battled his weight for years so when i went into the attic I found all the clothes that we saved because some day he would fit into them. Those I have given away. Some to some of the big guys at work and I get a hug when one of them wear a shirt of Richs. I thought it would bother me but to see that shirt on someone actually makes me feel good. But I still have his clothes in the closet on a really sad day I still wear a shirt or sleep in a pair of his pjs. He had a big motor cycle that I am passing on to our oldest son. But tears well up when ever I hear a Harley go by. I found a glove the other day and slipped by hand into it for a moment I felt like Rich was holding my hand.
My husband was a Harley man also, together we would travel the states going to each Harley store & acquiring a shirt.We must have over 200 each. It’s been 4 months now & I long to go on a ride with him on a Harley. We both enjoyed going to all biker events. Our house is painted Harley orange, I painted a Harley on our driveway, shower curtain, wall paper boarder etc. My husband was a disabled vietnam vet with all the health problems associated from there. When he passed away I gave all his regular clothes to a homeless shelter, I’ve given shirts to his children, grandchildren etc, then have been selling them at biker swap meets every month.I haven’t sold any of his jackets,vests etc, saving them for christmas presents for his children etc. I still have his cologne in the bathroom, love the smell, his clothes between the pillows, many of his clothes are still here. many things I’ve kept. But had to sell tools and his huge electra glide to pay off my car. still have his treasured mustang I hope to keep making payments on. I’m desparately seeking an office position to survive little bills. I still miss him every minute of every day. I went from going out all the time, going out to karaoke, car shows, dinners, whatever to nothing. so now what do I do with my life? My husband was my whole life. what do I do with myself now? oh god.
Hello my friends, Today marks 17 months. 17 months I haven’t spoken with my husband, touched him, smelled him. I swear I can still feel how his chin/cheek felt when he hugged me.
Marilyn, it is so good to have you post again! Missed you. I would love to hear an update from Denise too.
Mary Lotus Butterfly, I am always inspired by your posts. I am learning how to do readings, reiki, energy work, etc. I am very proud of this new part of myself.
Paula, your husband was a hero to all of us. I am so sorry for your loss. You have found a great group to help hold you up.
Shawna, You have found a group of friends ready to walk along with you. Keep us posted.
Cindy, I still have everything exactly where it was Dec. 19, 2009 when my husband had a sudden cardiac arrest. Even his pj bottoms are where he left them that day. I am not ready now and do not have a timeline when I will be ready.
Norma, Love you lady and I love hearing from you.
Love you all,
Lori
Shawna,
I remember those days…It’s so difficult. The only thing that got me through all of that was the private nurses that I hired because hospice here is so crappy.
hold his hand…tell him everything…listen to his words…keep a diary if you feel clear enough. If you can, get his voice on tape. I still call dan’s cell phone to hear his message even though it was only one sentence.
I remember that the end time was so harried and stressful, and the times I remember the best are the ones where it was just him and I–holding hands. And the two phrases he repeated over and over…”I love you” and “im sorry”.
The only thing I can say to you now is…He doesnt deserve this, You dont, the kids dont and yet, it’s time to circle the wagons and be there for eachother.
Everytime my 13 year old would say, “what are we going to do?” I would just tell her, “i know it hurts and we’re going to be there for eachother.”
it’s been 8 months TODAY since my husband passed and I miss him like half of me is gone…but I keep moving forward. He used to always have this expression, “Keep moving-Dont look back, someone might be gaining on you!”
Please come back and talk…we all lean on eachother.
My story isnt special…but I tell it all the time…and people here listen, even if they dont really talk to me much.
Sara…
I know you miss Julian…but I wanted you to know how much you have inspired me. When you first came on here, you couldnt even sleep in the bed, you hadn’t dealt with the bedroom at all. And then you did it-even though you didnt want to.
Last night I sat on the floor of our closet thinking about how much I wanted to deal with all of the clothes, but still couldnt and I remembered you..and how you keep moving forward and that now you’re in the bedroom that you couldnt face.
Thank You Sara…I admire your strength.
Shawna,i was going to say the same thing,get a tape recorder,I just have our wedding video from 16 years ago,and take some video,have him leave u some mesaages in his voice that will comfort u,I think we all wish we could have that,have him write u some letters as well that u will have to keep,there is no way U can prepae for this even when U know someday he will be gone,it wont hurt less cause U knew,so treasure every moment,we will all be here for You before and after,with much love.
Debi if I knew how to post pictures I would show U the rooms my hubby did over,the shower just before he passed,i would love to see pics of your Harley bathroom U did and show U my sons mustang,he put delorean doors on his car,its so cool,hopefully the 13 year old can learn to drive in Dads car,all of us are always going to miss our better halfs that made us whole,but all us girls united make a circle that can never be broken
Lori xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Debie xxxxxxx and lots of hugs and somemore xxxxxxxxx you are never far from my thoughts.
WARNING – some of the following words may sound harsh, but that is not how they are meant to be taken – WARNING
If my husband had left me for another woman, I would not be going through what I am now. Not the grief, but the big huge task of trying to move on with my life. I would have dated not long after, I would be going out with the girls, getting drunk and picking up men. So what makes it different? Because he didn’t leave me! If he were still here, we’d still be together. But I am not letting this get me down anymore, and it is time to move on for me. I’m far from ready but I’m giving it a go. During my 1st year of grief, I went on holiday abroad for the first time, on my own. It was a big brave step for me.
What I’m attempting to say is, why stop doing the things that make you happy? Although our husbands are no longer here physically, it doesn’t mean they are not with us mentally/spiritually. So I say take a brave step, go and sing your heart out, sing both parts of the duet. I’m not going to lie to you, it is not easy and it may make you feel sad afterwards, but trust me when you are ready to try to take another step, it will get easier.
I love you all, peace, love and strength..
Normaxxx
Norma, that was great! Kinda needed to hear that tonight. Meeting a friend of the family tonight, for a drink. It’s almost 7 months for me, but I want to smile again. You made me feel that it’s ok. THANK YOU! Audrey
Hello Ladies,
I continue to be amazed at your stories and amazed, but not surprised, at the strength every one of you possesses.
Yes, Shawna, you must stay with us because your journey is just beginning. You are already in the grief process – you just don’t realize it because you still have your sweetheart physically with you. But he isn’t the same, is he? He is slowly leaving you because of the evil disease that’s stealing the wonderful life from him. I know it’s hard to hear these words. My empathy is very much with you. I too watched the love of my life slowly leave me over the course of 18 months. It’s horribly painful to witness your strong vibrant man become so weak and aged before your eyes. And there’s not one damn thing you can do to “save” him.
You will help your children get through this – because you have to. I hope they are now just trying to cherish every last moment with your husband – as I know you are. I will be praying every day for you all. Just stay with us. We need you as much as you will need us.
Paula, Bless you for joining us. I am so saddened to hear of your loss. Your husband, like countless others, is a hero and always will be remembered as such. Please try to convince yourself that you didn’t fail him. You tried so very hard! But ultimately, the decision became his and now you can only pray that he is out of the pain that he was in. Guilt is very common during grief – having a need to place blame because what happened is so unthinkable. Just try not to be so hard on yourself. You’ve got alot on your plate right now so just try to concentrate on getting to tomorrow. Your life will slowly begin to become a new “normal”.
Audrey, Korina and Norma – you girls are the best! Continue to comfort and guide us. I feel very connected to you all.
Blessings to all,
Suzanne
Love you Suzanne!
Twitter: commentluv
May 19, 2011 at 7:40 pm
First of all hello to eveyone on here, you all have been a great inspirtaion to me in the past 6 months, I look back at the first day I found this site, I think it was like two weeks after my husband passed, And now I look back and see how little I have grown, but yet I have, in some little ways,
I see some of you way beyond my time of loss and some up to my time of loss and some just coming aboard, I have to say that hearing from each one of you and reading the daily inspirations help me a lot,
We together help each other thru the bad days….
* Debi,
Thanks, for the kind words, I am on here to get support and inspiration and also to give it when I can, Just today I was sitting and thinking about what you said, tha tis so true , it took me forever , to just Sleep in my bed, and as still today 6 1/2 mths later, I still have not touched his personal items and clothing, I do thing a lot about donating them to family members or someone who canuse them , but I am just not
Ready for that yet. Like everything when its time I will know.
Audrey – how did you get on? This time difference (I’m in Scotland), makes it hard to figure out when you posted, but I gathered it was last night you meant. Let us know how it went, cause we are still curious (nosey as we would say).
PAULA, PAULA (yes I’m shouting for you), let us know you are OK.
Love, hugs and kisses to you all.
Normaxxx
I never really thought were we all might be from. I just knew that we have all lost our husbands our best friends our lovers. So when i read that you are in Scotland ,Norma I suddenly realized that this is all over the world. The ache goes deep and knows no limits. we are all on the same pathway trying to do it our way so we can get back to a new normal life. I really feel totally supported and really appreciate this site Thank you girls for your honesty, the concern and the sharing of your stories. For today i am doing ok. Again when i turned on the radio in my car the Josh Turner song “will you go with me” was playing. Such a love song
My husband Redwolf also loved Josh turner’s voice (what asexy voice) He used to love tosing karaoke, we went out all the time, & he was a great singer (Redwolf) I listen to all the songs he used to sing, I even recorded his voice a couple years ago & thankgod I found the cassette & made copies for everyone. So at least I have his voice. I still have all his cologne in the bathroom, when ever I open the cabinet his smell comes out & I’m like oh god, where is he now? I didn’t know Norma was in scotland, wow. It is great that I found a place to vent & learn. It’s been 4 months for me now & I go to his grave every Friday, sit & talk & cry.
Girls could u say a few prayers for me and my family today,tomorrow it will be 4 months that my John is gone,today,this afternoon my daughters boyfriends brothers funeral is,and my son just called me and said his girlfriends sister died about a hour ago,why does this stuff keep happening to my family,Im sitting here bawliong my eyes out,2 many angels in heaven today.
Hey Audrey, Norma said it – we are nosey. So definitely post and let us
know how your “drink” went. I hope you had a nice, relaxed evening. It’s always so nice to meet new people and learn their stories.
I’m hoping that all of you beautiful ladies have a safe and restful
weekend.
Blessings,
Suzanne
Thank you–I am still here…it’s worse than you can imagine…everyone –almost everyone–has abandoned me it seems–some are honest and just say–I don’t know what to say or do for you—but most it seems just ignore me–maybe they feel the same way–or they blame me–or they feel guilty too–it seemed the last month of his life–his phone rarely rang–and my husband was someone that usually never STOPPED talking–everyone stopped calling casue he was so depressed–they were tired of hearing it–or they couldn’t deal with him…I am worse becasue know I have lost even some good friends–and people just ignore me rather than be uncomfortable–just makes everything even worse…Sorry–I am more angry than sad right now….
Paula, just read how your friends have treated you. I know what you mean we’ve had friends for 30 some years, that have completely ignored me too. My husbands passing was unexpected, so it’s not like he was cranky when anyone called. It’s NOT you, you are just seeing who your true friends are. They really probably don’t know what to say, so they don’t say anything. Which isn’t a good excuse! We are here for you!
Norma and Susanne, it was last night. I live in California and the guys name is Rob. He works in Virginia he is a CEO. Was in San Diego for business. We’ve known him a few years, he worked with Will. And waited to contact me out of respect. And when he found out he’d be in town he suggested we meet. So I drove down to San Diego to the Hilton. We had a drink and kept talking till 1 am. Then he didn’t want me to drive home so late. So we went to his room. ( I totally trust him, my kids too.) so we talked till 4am. Fell asleep. He was such a gentleman! We talked about Will a lot, and how much he respected him. I drove him to airport this morning, he was flying to see his 3 girls. He is divorced. He gave me the sweetest caring kiss! Ladies it’s has been so long, and he is special. I actually melted. I know it’s only been 7 months, but it’s the first time I’ve felt happy, really happy. He said he will check his work schedule when he gets back, and figure when he can come again. He says he wants to see me. Nothing like my boss I told you guys about.( thank God) . Which I haven’t gone back to work. Been taking care of my oldest daughter she had knee surgery. So what do you think? I know I need to be realistic, he works so far away. But ladies, it was so, so nice! Haven’t felt that comfortable with anyone else, while by myself. So it probably be awhile, but will let you know when I get to see him. He texts me now too. Thank you dear friends, nice to tell someone. And I know he wants to see me for me, not for what my husband left me. He is a CEO, makes good money. Not like my boss. He was dating a girl awhile back, her dad wealthy. He actually said that if he married her he could retire! That’s the people I’m weary of. Thanks ladies! Love Audrey
Paula, thank you. I worry, in fact we all do, when someone is in such a dark place and we do not hear from them.
You are not alone. We can imagine what you are going through because we have gone through it ourselves. Your friends on the other hand cannot and that is why some of them are distancing themselves from you. The don’t know what to say to you, they don’t know how to handle you in your grief, and some of them will be thinking that you need sometime to yourself. We have all experienced the lonliness of inexperienced friends and family. Here, you are not alone, we can help you. But if you feel the need to speak to your friends and family then you will have to go to them, because in most cases they will not come to you. So pick up the phone or go around and see them, else come here and let your new friends be the ear you need.
Audrey – get in there! Sorry that’s a little saying from around my way. I’m so chuffed for you, sometimes it’s good to talk about your hubby with someone who knew him. The fact he gave you a decent amount of time before contacting you gets a big tick in the box. As long as you are happy, comfortable and happy, yep happy x2, then go with the flow. Take each step as fast as you like and even if it is a long distance relationship, it will give you both time to adjust. It’s good and I’m so glad you went. Keep us posted.
Yes my friends, the ladies who have come across this site aren’t just in the US. So far I’ve seen ladies come through here, from Hong Kong (Kate I know you’re still listening), Australia, Canada, USA, of couse myself in Scotland. I’ve probably missed a few countries. But when you find a site that is right for your needs, it doesn’t matter where it’s hosted from. I’m glad I found this site.
Also coming from a different culture, I can give you all a different perspective as you can to me. I have no medical bills, my husband wasn’t a vet of any war, the cost to bury him was nowhere near as expensive as some of you ladies. I got “welfare” when I needed it without a fight, and I didn’t have to pay for anything to do with my husbands care, including relief nursing staff to allow me to have a break. IF I needed a councillor or “shrink” I only had to say. My biggest support were my employers and I’ve been back full time for over a year now, in a job specially created to keep me busy without too much pressure.
I hear how some of you struggle with the financial pain you have been left and I wish I could help, but all I can do is offer my support.
Peace, love and strength and the 3 things I can offer you and it is up to you whether you accept them and embrace them. Every journey might begin with 1, 2, 3 or more people, but if you are to make it through this journey that is something only YOU can do. Help along the way comes in many forms, and ladies that’s were we come in.
I love you all
Normaxxx
Good day ladies,
Audrey, I’m so happy you had such a nice time with Rob. He sounds wonderful! It’s good that you already know him too. Takes some of the guesswork out of what is already kind of an awkward experience. My new friend is like that too. I have known him for about 6 years through work. So I already knew that I liked certain qualities about him. Now I am getting to know him better on a more personal level. I hope Rob continues to stay in touch and visit again. Being such a distance away can actually be a good thing for you right now. There’s no expectation for the relationship to progress too quickly. You’re still relatively new in this 2nd life of yours and you need to take your time with any changes.
Paula, I too am so glad that you have stayed with us. I agree that your friends have abandoned you not because they don’t care. They just don’t know how to handle this tragedy! And being in touch with you is a constant reminder that your husband killed himself. I don’t think they blame you…..they just don’t know what to do. You have every right to be angry! My God…..consider what you’ve been through. Give yourself a break. You’ve now entered your 2nd life. You need to get to a point where you feel empowered. Start taking care of yourself. I know that I joined a yoga group right away. And 26 months later, I still attend religiously. Yoga is so good for the mind and body. If you’re not in to that then maybe start back at something you always loved to do before. The trick is get busy empowering yourself in this new life. You will continue to have the dark days. Embrace them because they will make you stronger. And at some point, you will have more good days than bad. Remember, we are ALWAYS here for you.
Blessings to all,
Suzanne
I heard this Gladys Knight song on the radio and thought it pertained to me and the rest of us widos except the husband didn’t leave us on purpose and break up with us.
Gladys Knight & the Pips
I’ve Got to Use My Imagination Lyrics
Download RingtoneDownload Ringtone
I’ve really got to use my imagination
To think of good reasons
To keep on keepin’ on
Got to make the best of a bad situation
Ever since that day
I woke up and found
That you were gone
Darkness all around me
Blackin out the sun
Old friends call me
But I just don’t feel like talkin to anyone
Emptiness has found me
And it just won’t let me go
I go right on livin’
But why I just don’t know
Staring down reality
Don’t do me no good
‘Cause our misunderstanding
Is too well understood
Such a sad, sad season
When a good love dies.
Not a day goes by
When I dont realize
I’ve really got to use my imagination
To think of good reasons
To keep on keepin’ on
I got to make the best of a bad situation
Ever since that day
I woke up and found
That you were gone
Thank you. Yes, this applies and covers a lot. It has been 14 months and it is getting better; but don’t know when I will feel myself again, if ever. Some say I will never feel the same, different. I have chose to try to move on and find good things in life each day to keep me going. It is hard some days. Life is scary now and not knowing what my future will be and going through some more life changes: parents dying, our children struggling, grandchildren growing up, my aging process (LOL). My life is settling into a new routine and I am beginning to be comfortable with myself again. Just don’t like the alone part – actually the part where he is not here. Hang in there ladies. Thank you for all your continued support.
Guess what. I will be moving again. After Mike passed in March 2009, I moved in with my folks who live in a subdivision for Seniors $$ plus. Now my folks are moving again. I can’t afford to live by myself plus it is too lonely and my mom needs me to help her watch my dad. I thought I was where I would be till my folks passed but here I am again uprooted again.
My Aunt recently moved into an apartment complex for seniors 55 plus where you live in your own apartment but have small kitchen with no oven or stove cuz they have a dining area you eat in that’s like a restaurant and they serve you. There are activities they have that you can participate in. If you need help you pull a call box. The rent covers all your expenses, cable, light bill, heating etc. Everything except for telephone and internet. It’s in Richmond which is an hr away from us.
Well my mom has decided to have she, my dad and I move in there cuz she thinks it will be easier to take care of my dad in a place like that. And they can get help from the Veterans thingy since my dad was in WWII to help pay for it. And if he ever needs more help in taking care of him they can get nurses to come in and help care for him,. He’ll be 90 in June. So it looks about the week of June 15 or so my life will be upturned. There are no places like this around close where we live. Only senior apartments where you have to cook for yourself or old folks homes where you are there essentially waiting to die. It’s a shame cuz we’d all rather be closer. My mom is thinking if she passes first then it will be easier for me to take care of my dad. If my dad goes first then, if she can still get help from the Veterans on paying the rent they we may stay there. If not then we go back to my folks house. After my folks pass I will probably have to move into Senior apartments near my folks house. That looks like a safer neighborhood.
They have activities you can do there like a knitting group I plan to join and walking (we’ll see how long I last at doing that). My mom will be needing me to watch my dad a lot which means on Thurs I might not get to go to my Thurs knitting group for awhile cuz she wants me to watch him on Thursdays. I don’t mind watching him tho but sure hate to miss the knitting group. My folks are gonna keep their house which is good cuz I can leave there stuff I won’t have room for. Like I can keep my scrapbooks of my stars and other stuff like that in my folks attic. Stuff I don’t use all the time but still need like some velvet tops and pants I wear around Christmas and some Christmas tops and sweaters and deep winter sweaters, I can keep them at my folks house and get them around Christmas when I need them.
I don’t mind moving except for a coupla of things. It will be an hr from where I live which means it will be an hr from my friends and church. I still plan to g.o to our church on Sundays even tho they have one at the apartments. I’ll go to the one at the apartments when it is too bad a weather to go to our church. Mike grave is near the church so I visit it every Sunday either before or after church. Sad thing is my friends will be an hr away. If my friend Debbie calls wanting me to meet her at Walmart or the mall it won’t be 5 or 10 mins away or meet a Shoney’s it won’t be 20 mins away, it will be a n hr away. I’ll have to be told the nite before and not spur of the moment, let’s go. I still plan to go spend time with my friends. Just a further trip.
And I’ll probably have less room which I am not keen about. There is only one closet in my room, a foyer closet and in my folks room a closet for my mom and one for my dad. To store my winter coats, I will have tio put them in the foyer closet. Shoes will have to go under the bed in a underbed shoes thing and my extra yarn in an underbed box cuz the closet has to have as much room for my clothes as possible. My folks still have my old bedroom set I had when I was a kid, so I will use that for my furniture. It has a desk to it which I will use for my computer. And a bookcase which I plan to put some of my records (the rest will have to stay in my folks attic until I need them), my cd’s some of my dvd’s and books in.
I don’t mind moving except I hate I will be further from my friends and in less space. I just got used to being here and now I am moving again. Oh well.
That’s too bad you have tomove. Too bad you can’t just stay in your parents home,as it will be empty. You say there’s people to take care of your parents there? You could just live in your parents home & drive to see them every day or so. Wouldn’t that be much better? It sounds as if your giving up your life. You need to keepyour friends,life style etc.
So sorry to hear about the moving thing Cheryl. I think one of the things that has made it tolerable for me is that i did not have to move. So everywhere I look in our house there are still pieces of Rich,memories and pictures. The piece that is hard for me he did pass away on the couch in our living room watching T.V with Blake. We had no mortgage for our house so I am still able to live here i do worry about the way the taxes go up. The told me I could apply for a abadment but still i am 65. So I hope and pray that for the next 10 years everything stays the same
Hi Ladies,been awhile since Ive been on,been very depressed alone and lonely lately,probably the nice weather and John isnt with me.
Cheryl I sure wish you didnt have to move,I keep praying Ill be able to keep our house,Im glad though you have the strength to continue to want to drive that hour to see your friends and knitting club ect.,sounds like you have the will to continue things that matter to you,Im proud of you girl.
Ive been crying a lot,wrote another song for my baby,but I think its more for me,Id like to share it
Home is Him
Shes been grieving many months right now
Her husband had to go,he died,it doesnt matter how
She crys herself to sleep each night for the very loss of him
And holds him in her heart until they meet forever again
Chorus:
For he is home,but home is him
She stays in the house they lived together
Holds to the memories they built,she remembers
The Home,he gave her Home
As she wanders thru the rooms
Wondering if she’ll see him soon
She looks for Home
2nd verse:The days grow long and the nights are longer still
But the house he made her,holds her,like his arms once did until
His spirit had to leave her,but the love within those walls
Envelopes her in comfort,till she will receive his call
For he is home,but home is him
She stays in the house they built together
Holds to the memories they built,she remembers
The Home,he gave her Home
As she wanders thru the rooms
Wondering if she’ll see him soon
She looks for
Home
3rd verse: Its now been quite awhile since he has died
But the love she feels for him,has never,ever,left her side
And she talks to her beloved everyday
In the House of love he gave her,here she still stays
For he is Home,but Home is him
She stays in the house they lived together
Holds to the memories they built,she remembers
The Home,he gave her home
As she wanders thru the rooms
Wondering if she’ll she him soom
She looks for Home
She looks,she looks for Home.
That is a beautiful song. You should record it and out it on YouTube. I think it would inspire folks.
I don’t mind moving except for being further away from my friends and church and less space being in an apartment. But I had to move when Mike passed and move in with my folks so I could rent out my home to get some income. So we will survive this somehow. I don’t want to live alone cuz it was be too lonely. So glad I have my folks. My mom needs me to help her take care of my dad and walk him on down to meals. I don’t mind doing that. Just such a changed so soon after making one at the worst time of my life,
think Mike would be so proud of me and how well I have handled things. It’s cuz I still can’t believe he is gone and it seems as if he never really existed but was just a wonderful dream. Oh well I am at the beach with my folks and am enjoying it. Mike & I always went there for a week with my folks so I miss him so much here. He’d be out of the beach boardwalk deck and watching his ballgames on tv. We’d go visit the lighthouses and souvenir shops and tourist places and have a ball. I know he is glad I am not alone.
My best frien suggest she and I live together after my folks pass on. She is the one who introduced me to Mike. Think I may do that cuz I wouldn’t be lonely. I told her we’d have to rent a place together so we’d have room for all our stuff hers and mine.
When I get home I have one week before I have to move so packing will have to be quick on top of going to knitting groups, Mikes cousins sons hs graduation and going to the pharmacy to get meds. Whew…
Well I am coning up on the year mark. We left our house to go to a cancer treatment center so my husband could have a port put in, He never came home, he was in the hospital for a week and passed on June 5th. It is hard to believe that it has been a year, I still miss him so much. I have had a lot of people ask me what I plan to do for the anniversary of his death. I am not sure, I would like to curl up under the blankets and just stay there. I have been having a really hard time lately as I am forced to think about it. I have been keeping myself very busy because I don’t want to feel the pain. I am not sure what I am going to do on June 5th. It really helps to just vent and have someone to listen even if we do not know each other. Thank you for listening.
I know wherer you are at. I am at 14 months.Paul passed one week after my birthday and my younger sons. So it was especially hard. I did not want to celebrate my birthday – he also came home on my birthday after over 5 weeks in the hospital and after a valve replacement and aortic repair. It has been hard as his death was sudden and unexpected. It still sometimes doesn’t seem real. I keep wondering if I will ever really “feel” life again. It seems as if you just “float” through life without ever really feeling. My sister and friends don’t understand as they have been blessed and have never lost anyone close to them. I hate when they say “you had 23 wonderful years and that is more that most can say – you should be thankful for that.” They don’t get it, at 55 it doesn’t help and to know that you won’t be getting old with your loved one or have events (grandkids birthday’s, graduations, plays, etc) to share is hard. I resent it when my sister says those things as she still has her husband of 30 years. She cannot possibly understand. She has moved on and I don’t even hear from her much any more. She is always busy. Oh well. Life goes on even when we don’t want it to.
Long weekend ahead. Ugh. Even work is not as fullfilling as it used to be. But I am thankful to have a job and it does keep my mind occupied. Sad that you just try to “keep busy” now instead of really enjoying things. I guess that too will come in time – it will be different. It is tough because the “dark”times just creep in when you lease expect it.
Hope you all have as best a holiday as you can.
Karen
Karen my heart goes out to you,that is what my hubby went on I believe,he had aortic dissection,what John Ritter died of,they only gave him a 50 percent chance of living,they too repaired his aorta and put in a valve but they didnt know he also had a tear in his head so he survived the surgery but when they took him off the heart /lung machine the blood to his brain ruptured the tear and he died,I have heard a lot dont survive after the surgery like your hubby but I envy you the extra weeks,still though it must of been heart breaking as he didnt make it.
Cathy and Karen,i cant even conceive yet thinking about a year as he died late Jan of this year and how do you get thru Thanksgiving,we had a Christmas wedding a week before Christmas,so our anniversary and Christmas and New Years? its been so hard celebrating what would of been his 54th birthday,my birthday,Valentines Day and Easter so far,I think of this weekend and we loved going to Territory Days,celebrating the birth of Colorado Springs and he was a veteran as well so armed forces day,vets day,memorial day.all these days are awful as well,so glad we all have this place to come to.Much love Cathy and Karen.
Paul had endocarditis that was very difficult to diagnos. Was having fevers, shakes and chills for 3 months before they diagnosed it and found it had eaten through his Aorta. If they found it sooner – he may have had a chance for a few more years. Who knows. I don’t trust doctors any longer. They don’t tell you the truth even when they know that the end is inevitable.
I floated through Thanksgiving. My family came over (all 14 of them – my sister couldn’t even take the reigns this year so I wouldn’t have to think) They came over at 3 pm. I spent time on the phone with a neighbor who lost her husband three months before. We visited briefly and had coffee, cried and laughed. (Now she can no longer keep her house and is putting it up for sale – another loss) I dragged myself through the holidays and felt like a fifth wheel. Don’t know what this year is gonig to be like. Want to get rid of a lot of decorations and not put too much up. No fun doing it by yourself anymore.
Hang in there. That is all we can do. I try to find little things now to feel good about. A new day, flowers, birds singing. Sad in a way, but it is okay. No one understands the trying to get through life alone without the love of your life. I liked my life the way it was and don’t want to now at 55 become a bar hopper or a kayaker! or a biker. Funny when you have your hubby no tells you you have to change and do these things; but, because you lose your loved one folks tell you “you” need to change. Interesting isn’t it?
I wish you all this weekend: Peace of heart, peace of mind and serenity.
Hi Cathy, my worst 1st was our wedding anniversary. I went to work that day thinking it would be ok, but all I wanted to do was get home and get drunk. I did finally get home, 1.5 bottles of wine later and the aniversary was over, -1, then off to bed.
When the actual aniversary of his death arrived, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders I had finally survived the 1st year of grief. During that time I burned my husband the day after my 40th birthday, I floated through Christmas and New Year, I sung along to old 50′s music with my Dad on Martin’s birthday in March (they share the same birthday), I got drunk on our wedding aniversary, I moved in with my Dad, I got my first ever passport and went on a holiday to spain by myself, I started college, I marked the 1 year passing of my mum, I cried lots, I tried to laugh lots, I wanted to kill myself lots and then it arrived. I had survived.
We all handle it differently, but one thing is the same, we know how it feels. I celebrate every birthday I have, I no longer count how many years I would have been married, but have started on the -ve scale. 9th August I will have been married for -2 years.
In the end Martin and I had 13 years 113 days together as man and wife. This year I took his birthday off and got through it raising on ly 1 glass. I have taken the 9th August off, as I don’t want a repeat of last year’s woes, and I usually take 1st-6th December off anyway as I never like to be at work on my Birthday.
You will do whatever it is that will get you through it and if we can help, then let us know.
Much love, peace and huge amounts of strength.
Normaxxx
Thank you for the kind words. I have been through the anniversary July 4th, his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I He has a wonderful family and they all are great to me. I am glad I have my daughter and grand children. I myself have gone back to school, work full time. I did go with some friends to Grand Cayman in March. I know I have to go on and be happy but it is hard. I do not want to be alone the rest of my life but I also don’t know that I can ever be happy with someone else. I am only 52 so I am not going to give up on life just yet. I will forever ask the question why. It really helps to get on here and know that others know how I fell. Thank you all.
Every time I get on this site, I am so thankful that I found it! In reading your posts, all of our experinces, feelings and reactions are so much alike.
I know that my first year of firsts was just awful. Everything was still so raw. And like you Norma, I drank too much at times. In fact, I find myself doing that still when I’m really feeling lonely. I think I use the alcohol to numb myself and sedate myself. My dreams are so much more pleasant sometimes than the reality.
Unfortunately, this club that we belong to is exclusive. There is not one person who can truly understand what we are experiencing unless they too belong to the club. There aren’t enough “changes” we can do to ourselves to ever forget that we were forever “changed” the second our husbands died. So don’t think you have to reinvent yourselves – becoming a widow did that for you!
Thanks ladies for being there for me and each other. It means the world to me that you are out there…..listening.
Have a Blessed weekend,
Suzanne
Hi ladies, having a hard day…. Went to our granddaughters pre- school graduation. It’s a catholic school, so held in the church. Knowing my Willie would of been there beside me, broke my heart. Keep crying. I have good days, but not today. Remember I told you about the guy I work for, who keeps asking me out. I’ve flat out said no. Well yesterday he actually said that I won’t find anyone better then him! He really has him self on a pedestal. I need the money, so I put up with the crap. I did have a real nice time with Rob. But he is so far away, and works so hard. Reminds me of Will. It’s 7 months on Saturday. I did make a big decision yesterday. I had my wedding ring made a little larger so I’m gonna wear it now on my middle finger. Saying goodbye to my Willie, I promised I would always wear it. Gave him 30 kisses for 30 wonderful years. I’m 51 and I want to be happy again. This sucks! I’ve gone through all the big holidays already without him, nothing will ever be the same. Our kids have been fantastic, but as you ladies know it’s not the same. No one in my family knows how awful this is. They are all still married even my folks, 62 years. I know he is happy, but I want to be happy too. Would love to just drink and forget, but I’m not a drinker! Sorry dear friends hate being a downer. Just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening. Audrey
Twitter: commentluv
May 27, 2011 at 6:22 pm
Audrey
i know exactly what you mean, athough i miss Julian so darn much, i am lonely too, i hate the lonliness:!!!!!
**********************
Hi ladies,
I read every one of your posts and pray for all of you for strength.
On june 1st, it will be 7 months, I sit back and look at myself 7 months ago And where I was back then and then I think aboiut how each and every one of You have helped me thru grieving, thank you for listening and I am so thankful for All my family and friend for their support.
I guess you can say I have grown some in the past few months, I use to cry every Single day , three or four times a day , and not that my feelings have changed at all, I miss Julian so much and now I do go a day or two witout crying, ( then I do feel Guilty about that because I love him so much but I know from hearing from you
That this happens, it mean s we are growing,)
I try to stay positive all the time, even thou its not easy, I stop myself when I feel down And tell myself you have to gt up and get out and keep omn going, and I pray so very Hard all the time that God take over and gives me peace and joy again one day.
Julian would want me to go on and fine that peace and joy, I have always been a positive Person, very busy, active person, that is what I have to keep doing
I have to say that since the first of the week, I actually have felt a piece of calmness, Like a calmness have taken over my body, I just cant explain it, nto sure if any of you Have felt this, hope so , I hope its all good, I feel like something has been lifted off me
In a sense…. I do attend support group and talk to a lot of my friends and that helps.
I hate being alone, the lonliness, is driving me crazy, some to just share my day with, I am so used to talking to julian about everything everyday, I miss that.
i still have my wedding rings on, im sure one day ill take them off ?? when im readyi will
Ladies. Is there any of you out there who has found new joy in your life and how long hasIt taken you? I am not looking for a new relationship but that joy ….to be able to ge out , fell cofortable talking to others, asfriends etc….if you know what i mean
But I also know it is so different for everyone.
Have a great day
Sara, thanks for being there. Thanks for the email too. You talked about your wedding rings. I decided yesterday to enlarge mine so it will fit my middle finger next to my wedding ring finger. My daughter has a friend who has his own jewelry store, brought it to him yesterday. I picked it up this evening. He did it in a day, also put new prawns on my diamond. It’s 30 years old. It looks so pretty. I feel like I’ve made a move forward. And I’m keeping my promise to him. Told him I would always wear it. My youngest daughter was happy I made it bigger. It went from a 3 1/2 to a 5. I told her when it’s my turn the ring goes to her. Where my oldest gets my cross that I’ve worn since I was 14. This way both my girls get the jewelry that means so much to me. They hate it when I talk like that, but how will they know if I don’t tell them. My son in-law is a lawyer, going to make a living trust with him. Sad part is Will and I never did anything like that before. Because you think you have all the time in the world. I do hope you can find someone who you can talk to and who will understand you. Rob seems to get me. Feel comfortable around him. That is so important. Just so far away, and flying here and there for meetings.There are some guys you just don’t. Didn’t you say you had a big event to go to? If so, how was it? Did you go with anyone? I sure hope you had fun. You are at the same stage as me. We are only off by a few days. I’m 7 months Saturday the 28th. Thanks for being here. And to all you ladies Thank You too. Boy I don’t know where I’d be without all of you. You all are my support group. Couldn’t find anything close. The one I did was for widows with children. So couldn’t join. My babies are grown. I like this better. Ok I’ll shut up now. Lol! Nite!
Hi Audrey, you can come here anytime and let us all know how you are feeling, whether good or bad. I liked the idea of enlarging your wedding ring. That had never crossed my mind before. I’ve tried to wear it on my right hand, but it doesn’t feel right. I might look into getting it enlarged, when I’m ready. I like that idea.
Its been very emotional the past week. I’ve cried lots and spoke to Martin lots. There are a couple of guys that I’m interested in and I’ve now left it in Martin’s hands to choose for me. I know that’s silly, but its a way of dealing with this next step.
Have a good weekend ladies. Much love to you all
Normaxxx
Hi all,
Audrey, that is a great idea to enlarge your ring – you have tiny fingers! My house was robbed in December – they stole all my jewlery that meant so much to me. But they never touched my wedding ring. It’s 24 carat solid gold (wide band). I’m so thankful I still have it. I wonder if they knew who I was and knew my circumstances….anyway, I just thought that was odd. They took some things that were worth nothing – just sentimental. I’m still very angry about being robbed. I’ve never been in my entire life and this neighborhood is a nice, quiet one where this doesn’t usually happen. If Den were here, it wouldn’t have. I have to travel some with work and that’s when they did it. Maybe Den protected my ring. I don’t know….just happy I still have it.
Not having a great weekend so far. Haven’t heard from my new friend. I was hoping to do something fun this weekend with him. Oh well….I can’t mope. I’ll just try to make my own fun, I guess. I’m just feeling really lonely right now. Weekends are the worst.
Tomorrow evening, I’m having my best girlfriends over for a game of scrabble (we were all English major geeks), some good wine and some yummy food. I’m cooking cornish game hens with a rosemary and mushroom wine sauce (I use wine alot, don’t I?). And we’ll have some steamed green beans with some long grain wild rice. I try to cook as fresh and light as possible. I like to cook organic too – when I can afford it. I really enjoy these times with these women. We don’t do this often enough – we’re all so busy with work and families. But we have the best talks and laugh till we cry. They have been my God-send over the last 27 months.
I’ve been thinking so much of Den today. I cried this morning while doing my outside chores – something we always did together. Then I smelled his opened bottle of cologne and that had me crying. I do try to embrace all of these emotions because I know they will make me stronger. I just hate that I don’t have Den here anymore. God, I miss him!
I’ve babbled enough…..thanks as always for listening. You are all the best.
Blessings,
Suzanne
Today i spent all day getting our place ready for a Memorial Day picnic. We have been doing it for years. Look i am still saying we…our. I had a rough day especially when we brought out the certain chair that he always sat it and put it in the same spot he would be at the table. I cried I talked to my love and then I took a little heart box and put some some of Rich,s ashes in and dug a deep hole and put them under his chair in his spot. On the tree directly behind hung up some prayer flags and there is a straw angel floating in the breeze hanging from a branch. that way Rich still is at the Memorial day family picnic and I was able to release some of my personel saddness today.
That is beautiful Cindy,we always went to Territory Days in Old Colorado City in Colorado Springs,CO,younger son took me today,I did fine till I heard the Indian Flute music then started crying,I want to scatter a few of his ashes fathers Day and taking some home to WI 2 days after Fathers Day to scatter a few more,the bulk of the ashes I am keeping but that is a lovely thought to keep him near Cindy,I think a lot of us are haveing a sad Memorial Day weekend and getting thru the best way we know how. Hugs to you all. Korina
I’m having a bad time too…It’s funny, Memorial day doesnt seem like much of a holiday-but it was the weekend that he used to take me out to buy a bunch of plants and flowers for the deck. I’d kill them before the summer was over, but we had fun picking them out. And he’d make a big deal out of telling me what beautiful taste I had in flowers.
I’m still wearing my rings, some days I put them on my right hand, and some days I keep them on the left.
I really want to clean out the closet, but I still cant. Isnt that weird that you want to–but you dont- all at the same time??
Some days I wish I drank.
Audrey…Im so glad you found Rob. I wish I had that too. My husband was a CEO in virginia and flew to california to see me every couple of months for a year before I moved to VA to be with him…Married until death do us part.
I wish I could find someone who “got” me…
Match.com is a disaster…
Hi Norma, Suzanne, Debie all you beautiful ladies, it’s me! Lol! Yeah I’m a jokester. Drove Will nuts with jokes and gags, loved to make him laugh. That is what I had with Rob that night, he got my funny out look on things. I hate being alone, he is so far away. But I keep busy as much as I can. Hey wearing my wedding rings on left middle finger has felt comfortable. Glad I was able give you guys the idea, you’ll like it. Cindy I loved the idea of his ashes under his chair. On the special holidays Will was always head of the table, and did the toast. So now that is where I sit, and I do the toast. I visited Will today, flags everywhere, real nice. I don’t have any real plans yet for memorial day. But I do know I will go back on Monday to see him. Debie you mentioned match.com. That scares me. Complete strangers. Norma it’s not strange having your husband help you choose a nice man. I talked to Will about it too. I think he was behind it, having Rob call. He knew how I was feeling. So I hope he keeps helping. Suzanne I’m so sorry to hear that you were robbed. That’s awful! Happened to my family when I was in high school. Knowing a creep went through your things! So sorry! Happy they didn’t get your wedding ring. That would of been crushing. You guys are the greatest! Have a great weekend!
Hello everybody,
I have been reading all the postings. All I have to say is “Just be yourself”. Learn and Grow thru understanding of things. Keep things simple and true. Do not complicate. That is why we love and our husbands loves us. Love does not ever stop.
I was remembering on how my Barry would be cooking Breakfast at the park for people that had nobody and no where to go…on Memorial Day. He gave of himself…so as we all will keep on giving. Then, the rewards will come to each one of us.
We will always hold our dear ones up in Honor and Rembrance. As I think of my Barry, my heart fills with love. It is not forsaken at all. We are not alone because spirits live on forever and remember.
Be Strong and Couragous. Keep the spark of Love alive inside of you. Allow your heart to be all be open. Do not close down.
Love to all of you…my friends…that we shared.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hope everyone had a nice weekend. I cooked for my girlfriends and my daughter last night. It was so yummy!! And we played scrabble and talked, laughed and cried. We’re all at such a transition in our lives – some through loss and some through children moving on. I am the only widow, although every one of us has lost one or both parents, a sibling, an in-law. So we all understand the losses.
Another sad day today. Like all of you, I don’t know why this holiday is
upsetting me so. Maybe because Friday marked the 27th month of my 2nd life without Den. I’m not sure. But I have been on the verge of tears all bloody weekend. I hate feeling this blue.
My daughter helped me this morning trimming the hedges – a job I detest and one that Den always did. I disturbed a nerve in my wrist while trimming them last Spring and hope I haven’t messed it up again. That electric trimmer just shakes, rattles and rolls my whole body!
I hope the rest of the day goes better for me – as well as all of you. Try to remember the reason for the holiday. And if you see a vet today, thank him for his service.
Blessings to all,
Suzanne
Evening Ladies (it’s 17:47 here). Today is a holiday, what we call Bank Holidays, but it’s not a vetarin day. We have a remembrance day on the 11th November, with a big parade to commemorate those who gave their lives in all wars since the great war (WWI), filled with poppies. The red poppy is the flower of remembrance for the UK as it symbolises the poppies that grew on the great battlefields in Belgium after the great war ended. Today for us, it’s just another Bank Holiday where the phones seldom ring at work so a bit of piece and quiet. Where I work if you are in Scotland you don’t get the bank holidays, they are added to your holiday leave, but those who work elsewhere in the UK do, so it makes for a quiet day in the office.
I had a bad weekend. I just couldn’t stop crying. Tired myself out by Sunday evening. I don’t know where it comes from. All my tears seem to wait until the weekend then ambush me when I’m not looking. It’s a good release, but I wish I could get through one weekend without crying!
I miss him, it was 2 years since we got the death sentance (that’s probably why I was crying now I come to think about it). And it only seems like yesterday. Time flies whether you are having fun or not. I wish I could teleport myself to an alternative universe where Martin has never met me before and hasn’t died, and start up a fresh relationship with him. Fantasy or what! Daft little things creep into my head sometimes. Right now I know I’m just gibbering, but at least its out of my head.
Time for diner, thankfully Dad isn’t away on another holiday and I get some good home cooked food. Woe is me next week tho, as he’s away for another week. Back to the sandwiches!
Peace, love and strength
Normaxxx
Hi eveybody,
It is OK to feel blue on these Holiday Times. We are still raw and feeling empty of loosing our spouses. It has been three years and going to five months for me, since my Barry left. It feels like such a long time, ago…and yet not. I feel very lonely at times. Someone at work made a comment to me that I was still talking about my Barry. Of course I would speak of him. His spirit still exist…it never died. Only his body gave out. My Barry is always with me in my heart. I heard him banging a couple of times at our home, a few days later after he passed. I had to tell Barry that I knew it was him. I told Barry that I heard him.
a Physic to help cross him over into the Light. He only had one foot in, because he was waiting for me.
He was allowed to come to visit me in my dreams a couple of time. The first time when he came…he was with three other beings. Barry and I saw each other. We were both jumping up and down in Joy. We were hugging each other. The three beings and my Barry were all speaking. I only heard Barry. He apologized to me for leaving me. His body gave out.
The second dream is that he is building a house for me up in Heaven and the Universe to wait for me with bright lights to guide me. I keep going on living with Love, Compassion and Peace. That is what Barry saw in me. It has given great strength at times. I would not want to dishonor our Love that we have together. We are Human Beings. We are Human Beings having a Spiritual Experience.
If anyone is interested…to try to move on with our human lives…check out http://www.spiritualsingles.com
Cannot promise anything. It is only by chance with our hearts. Wishing everybody the best!!!
Light. Love and Peace,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
My husband passed away 43 days ago, we have been married 46 years. I FEEL VERY BLESSED TO HAVE KNOWN WHAT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS, ALOT OF WOMEN NEVER KNOW WHAT THE TRUE MEANING OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS. I KNOW FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE CONCERNED ABOUT ME AS WELL AS OUR THREE CHILDREN, BUT THE PHONE RINGS CONSTANTLY. I DON’T WANT TO TALK, I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. I DON’T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE, I THINK EVERYBODY GRIEVES DIFFERENT. I AM BLESSED BY OUR CHURCH FAMILY HOWEVER THE FIRST TIME I WENT BACK, I HAD A MAJOR BREAKDOWN. I CAN’T STOP CRYING. PLEASE IF YOU CALL A FRIEND THAT JUST LOST SOMEONE, PLEASE DO NOT ASK THEM HOW ARE THEY DOING? GOD BLESS YOU
Hi Lana and welcome.
It is a stupid question, but it’s asked with the best intentions. As my friend Suzanne would say, you are 43 days into your 2nd life. You may not feel that right now, but in time you will.
Your friends and family are trying to show you they care, but sometimes being honest with them is best. Just thank them for their concern, but right now you want a bit of time to yourself. You will know when you need them and then they are only a phone call away. In the meantime, we are here if you need us. Come back and talk anytime.
MLB (hands together and bow) I wish Martin would come and visit me in my dreams, but it’s not meant to be. It all depends on how we view the world I suppose. Anyway’s, if you come across a tall 6′ 4″ skinny Scots man with a bald head and bushy beard, tell him his Naughty Noms says Love, Love, Love. He’ll have a fabulous dragon tatoo on his right forearm, and will be the epitome of charm.
Feeling quite low today. He has been gone 18 months tomorrow and I didn’t think I’d be feeling it this bad. Well we live and learn.
Much love, peace and strength to you all.
Normaxxx
Hi Norma,
Will do something better…I will tell my Barry to look for your Martin!
My Barry is Swedish descent. Barry was such a character. I thought he was out of a story book. I hope this will ease some of your heart aches.
Just remember that no one can replace our special spouses that shared such a wonderful life with us. Each relationship is very unique and special.
We just go on living and loving…keeping our hearts open to giving and receiveing instead of curling up. It takes a lot of faith and courage. It is not an easy road.
I just take one day at a time…do not stress oneself out over it…just live with the wonderment of life…that our spouses saw in each one of us.
I am building up a Wildlife Natural Habitat in my rental duplex. The Doves, the BlueJays, the Blackbirds come. I have a family of squirrels, also. Because, I do move softly and quietly…they are not too afraid of me. I have a vegetable garden, flowers that will attract butterflies, native grasses to Florida for my friends to hide in. I have frogs…toads.
I speak to all of them and ask them “How are you doing today”! It brings me great peace and joy.
Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello Lana, sweetie 43 days isn’t very long. We have all felt the way you do. I actually turned off the ringer on my house phone. And just listen to the answering machine. My kids call my cell or other family. I prefer it that way. Im just over 7 months, but I can tell you it will get better. And the calls will stop. Which is kinda sad, people who I thought were our friends just stopped all together. I think its because they just really don’t know what to say. They haven’t gone through it yet themselves. At least not with a spouse. Mary in the beginning I had four dreams of my Willie. So real! I remembering one, he walked into our room, I jumped off the bed. I said how can you be here you are gone, I saw you. He kept telling me that it wasn’t him. And said we have to go. I remember running to the closet to get our suitcase. He said no, I have to go. And walked out our door. Woke up crying. My younger son also had one that felt real to him too. I haven’t had any in months. I wish I would. Sammy our youngest granddaughter acts like she see’s him. She will say Hi papa out of no where and smile. She is 3. This has been a real hard weekend for all of us. More so then normal holidays, don’t know why. But we’ve all been in tears a lot lately. But when I read your letters I know I am among the strongest sweetest women in the world. You guys are the best. Nite dear friends. Audrey
a new first for me. I am packing up the car to go the beach at Cape Cod. Tears are flowing as i Pack. before I would just put it all by the car and Rich would pack the car, i started crying yet again after I brought all the thing down and put them next to the car. had to back inside got lost doing other things and then came back out and saw everything still all around the car..even more tears. To times a year we would go to the Cape with 2 other couples and the children dogs ect. well we are still going this year my sister is coming with me and i am trying like hell to get it together. just wanted to put this all out there. maybe it will lighten the ache in my heart. Be back monday,,send me good thoughts and wishes of strength
Author Korina
Cindy i think that will happen to me the 21st of this month,when i get on a plane without him to go home to scatter his ashes,its a vacation in a way,probably the last i will ever have as i cant really afford to go home now,but we always looked forward to doing trips together,his ashes(some of them) will be with me but its not the same,when ive been planting things lately and doing yard work and stuff we did on memorial Day weekend this past weekend without him i too cryed and cryed,its just not fair that we dont get to share these things with them anymore,Hope you can find some good memories in the crying this week girl ,my thoughts are with you,hugs korina
I went to GA to our cabin to scatter his ashes per his wish. This was a bitter sweat trip. It was in some ways a relief and gave me closure; but, also hard because this was where we vacationed for the last 17 years to get away and be alone. A lot of memories and folks to explain to all over again how he passed.
Another thing that is hard is old friends. They just don’t understand how difficult it is emotionally as well as financially. It is hard when they finally do come around now (it has been 15 months and some have either forgotten you or feel you should be totally over it) and they invite you to fancy restaraunts which I cannot afford any longer. I was left with a lot of baggage to take care of with 1/4 the income. My salary has not gone up, in fact, they are taking 3% from my salary (mandatory) to go towards my retirement and my home owners insurance, taxes and not to mention gas and food have gone up in price! I also find it hard going out with them as they talk about going on trips, vacations and other things. I am happy not doing these things and doing my hobbies and working around my yard, taking a Yoga class and walking; but, they make me feel uncomfortable now when they talk about it and don’t understand why I don’t want to go on a cruise or travel. So many things to deal with aside from the loss and loneliness.
Thank you all for listening. It surely is a growing experience.
Hello All,
I have been without a computer for awhile. The hard drive crashed. A new one is on the way, but until it arrives, I make do with my cellphone. This is being done in texting mode, which is slow and laborious for me. However, I want to welcome our newcomers, too, so plod along with texting.
In three weeks I hit the three-year anniversary of my husband’s death (from pancreatic cancer.) Through the grace of God and on-going prayer I can say that it is possible to experience joy again. I appreciate God’s creation (birds, trees, flowers, etc.) so much more than before. The same for friends and family. I’m learning to relish each day I have, and at the same time look forward to joining my husband in the future. It’s not easy, and I still ache with missing my ‘other half,’ but I just want you all to know that having joy is still possible… All things are possible with God!
What an inspirational post you wrote there. I needed that as last nite I had another nightmare about Mike. He caem back from the dead but kept running away from me to the point I was about to call the missing persons bureau. When I found him at his brother Bill’s I grabbed him by the seat of his pants and yelled at him for running away from me and avoiding me after he came back from the dead. I hate that!
I am at my 2 weeks trip to the beach at Nags Head with my folks. Mike & I would always come down and enjoy stuff like looking at the lighthouses. Now I have to look at them alone.
I lost my husband suddenly last Monday on the 23rd. Without warning he was gone. I’ve got our youngest child graduating this Saturday and then he’ll be off to college in the fall. Thankfully he will be close to home here in Los Angeles. My oldest son has come home and my daughter lives very near with our first grandchild and she is expecting our second in Oct. I’m now trying to run our business without my husband but my big kids are helping and have worked there over the years. I don’t even know how or why I found this site…I just typed “what do you do when your spouse dies”. I’m so tired and it’s only been 10 days. I don’t answer the phone except to very close family and I just feel frozen. I find myself quickly scanning the street before I get the mail out of the mailbox because I’d be horrified to have to talk to a neighbor. I’m moving and doing what I’m supposed to do I guess but sometimes I feel like I could just stare at the wall for hours. I feel so protective about my husband and I don’t want to share with our friends and neighbors anything about his death. I keep feeling that my kids are going to be so changed by losing their dad this early in their life but what can I do? I’m sorry this all sounds so random. Thank you for having a site where we can rant. Kate
Kate, Every person on here can relate to how you feel. I found this site the same way you did. It will be a year this Sunday that my husband passed away from pancreatic cancer. He was told in March and died in June. I still miss him everyday. It does get a little better as time passes. Hearing you say you don’t want to see or talk to anyone brings back memories. You will get through this and having friends and family will help believe it or not. This site has helped me so much because we have all been through this. You will find yourself coming here often even if it is just to vent. We all understand and will listen. Please take care of yourself . My heart goes out to you.
Author : Korina
kate: Such a recent loss,its been 4 and 1/2 months for me,it doesnt really get easier or better,but sometimes more managable,I still cry every day,you will know when you want to talk to someone,usually though they dont want to talk to you by then,my own kids,30,31,and 34 find it hard to comfort their Mom and say something,the oldest son,31,understands,very close to his father,but the other son thinks I should of moved on and the daughter,oldest gives me money cause she doesnt know what else to do,Im disabled and waiting to see if I will get disability,my husband died out of the blue as well,thought I had my whole life yet with him,only had 16 years,he died at 53 of a torn aorta like John Ritter the actor did,and my hubbys name was John as well,it was a 2nd marriage for both of us and he was the only Dad my kids ever knew. I write to my husband every day in a journal,my feelings,or my rants,or anger,or sorrow,or something good that happened like the graduation coming up for you,I feel like i am keeping touch with him and keeping him alive in this way for his spirit is still with me always. i still take it one day at a time and you just take it one minute if you have to sweetie,this place has been a godsend to me,a anchor so to speak,and even though all are stories are different in the end they are all the same,we lost our husbands and we do what we have to do to get to the next day. Many hugs Kate,Korina
Welcome Kate, 10 days and no wonder your head is in a spin. I floated through my 1st 10 weeks! Talking about it to “strangers” is hard. They may be nosey, but they may also just be concerned for you. We all needed that initial settling in period. I didn’t want to speak to anyone, or phone anyone or see anyone, but I knew that wasn’t going to be good. So I blocked it out for the first few months and I went through my denial phase. Martin’s not dead, he’s just not here right now. Here, you will find everyone has different experiences of what they went through, are going through. It has been 18 months since Martin “went away”, and although I thought I was getting over it, 18 Months yesterday, I felt like I was back at day one. 18 months and 1 day later and I’m back on track, until the next time.
One day at a time sweetness, that’s all you can do.
Karen, you need to be honest with your friends, and you need to let them know you cannot afford what they can, or what you used to be able to. Make them realise that loss isn’t physical, it is financial in a lot of cases. Life changing to say the least. Be honest with them and perhaps instead of going out to eat, you all start having more dinner parties!
Cindy – Peace, love and lots of Strength for this weekend for you. It will be tough, but you will learn a lot about yourself. much love, Normaxxx
Jeannie – I’m glad you have your faith, but I too see the beauty of continuing in this world, and I thank myself for having faith in me. I thank nature for remind me that I’m not the centre of the universe and I thank all of you, who help me see the beauty. Your God be with you, and remember the faithless!
Much love
Normaxxx
I am truthful with them. They just stopped calling as they like to eat out and go to movies and fundraising events with big ticket items and luncheon cost. I also don’t want to feel like a charity case. Oh well, it is just part of the new life. I am trying to find things to do that please me and don’t cost a bunch. It can be overwhelming at times as you have to handle EVERYTHING by yourself. Repairs, insurance, cars – you name it. Got spoiled sharing the responsibilities with someone. Or at least having someone to bounce things off of when you were unsure. No one said that growing old would be so painful at times.
Thank you ladies for your support.
8 months. 8 months with no “I love you”, 8 months with no, “How was your day”, 8 months with no hand to hold-no advice to give-no twinkle in his devilish eye….8 months and it seems like I could reach out and touch him right now, just a moment ago. And then, 8 months seems like an eternity ago that he would run his fingers through my hair and tell me that I was his wonderful angel.
Im 42 years old and looking down the barrel of living half of a life.
It is 5 months & 20 days for me now. I related to your comments, how awful it is, no I love you’s no touch, yes the twinkle in my husband’s beautiful long lash eyes. I got a tattoo a couple of years ago, I designed a devil & told the artist to take a picure of my husband & draw himon my leg, so it looks just like him, bushy eyebrows, beard, twinkly eyes & horns, ha! God how I miss him so much. We went to the Nat’l cemetary memorial on monday. so many peole there. it was a very moving ceremony. They had a 21 gun salute & jets flying over. Redwolf would of appreciated it so much. I am refinishing furniture, my latest project. I sanded down an old yard sale night stand we had, primed & painted it white, then put a paper doily on top & drawer, & dabbed the openings with light blue paint. it looks like a permanent outlined doily. much lighter. Finished that, so now I’ve started on our dresser. it is long, ugly brown & has 12 small drawers. I did 2 drawers so far. looks very elegant. Meanwhile I am down to my last 1,ooo dollars to meet bills with. Thank god I am getting help from the military & va for mortgage help. But I still have to pay for small bills, his mustang & aschool loan coming up due. I’ve been applying everywhere, I hope & pray I get hired somewhere decent. meanwhile I put my wedding ring on my right hand & still have his wedding band I took the night he died & have it on my right hand middle finger. Also a small blue sapphire ring he gave me for Christmas on my pinky. too many rings,but so what. I can’t bear tothink he’s never coming back. I try to keep busy to keep my mind off of missing him.
Hello Kate, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. We all know how you feel. It’s just over 7 months for me, my husbands passing was suddened too. Never would of expected it. He was so healthy, always took care of himself. He had a blood clot to his lungs after a surgery. I see you live in Los Angeles. I myself live in San Diego county. Really not real far from each other. I have a younger daughter who lives in L.A. This will be the hardest thing in your life, and your kids. As time goes by you will learn to manage. But you will still cry everyday. But it won’t be as often, or as bad. Then out of no where it hit you full force. I know we all go through this differently, but that is what has happened for me. I haven’t touched his closet or dresser. That is still to hard for me. If you ever need to vent, or cry, we are all here for you. These wonderful women have gotten me through this. We all will do our best to help any way we can. I thank God that Corinne started this site. Because this has been my support system, as well as our four children. But here you can say anything and find help. Take care! Thank you again dear friends for always being here for me. Audrey
Twitter: commentluv
June 2, 2011 at 7:54 pm
hello ladies,
my heart goes out to all of you.
i read every post and just havent had a chance to post,
i had a very tough day today, i cried almosst al day a work, it all started
yesterday which marked 7 long month for me trying to go on life.
as i sat outside on the porch swing julian made for me, i just started thinking about that day 7 months ago, the tears just started flowing !!
like you all say, some days i dont cry , and then watch out, it pours,
i was down all day today and till am.
i even went to our supportgroup this afternoon, in which ihavent been in about two months, but it helped.
i dont sleep much anymore, most night i go to bed about 1130 or12 and i have to get up at 430, so im tired and im going to go try to sleep.
thanks ladies for listening to me and im so glad to have found this site.
newcomers: i have been where youare and these ladies on here are great, they wil llet you vent anytime you want and help you along the way as they have done me in the past 6 months.
THANKS EVERYONE
Hi Sara and Ladies -
It has been 5 mo and 21 days today for me. This weekend was very bad…everyone outside and having fun and yes, I too used to work in the garden and Bob and I would make the yard beautiful. I cried profusely this weekend and it just comes with the littlest thing. But then again, there is not one minute I do not think of my love…there is not one thing I do or one thing I see or anywhere I go, that I do not think of him. Therefore every moment is painful, every memory is painful. Memorial Day weekend was the worst. I think everyone in the world was outside and celebrating…except me and possibly all of you above. I love him so much and really don’t know how I will move on. He took half of me when he died….maybe even more.
Sara, I’m so sorry you’ve been having a hard time. I still struggle as well. Trying to decide on what to do next. Life can be hard. I stay up late every night as well. For a while I used to be up till 2:30am. Gotten better, crash around 12 now. Started taking tylenol pm, better then the stuff the doctor gave me. Had a hard time breathing with it. Cuz I’m a light weight I guess. I was remembering his wake today, seeing him there for the first time. I cry!! Feel like days I do well and getting better, then like you boom it hits. I’m sorry, read your letter and I feel for you! Take care! To you and the rest of you great women. Audrey
Twitter: t
June 3, 2011 at 6:10 am
thank you for this article. It is exactly how I feel. My husband died suddenly two weeks ago. I feel lost!!!! All I do is crying, I know life goes on but it is very hard, my DH and I were always together. I miss him a lot.
Hello all,
Well, another weekend approaches and I look on it with dread. I have a love and hate for the weekends. I love that I don’t have to work for two days but I hate that I’m home without Dennis. I literally ache for him. It’s been 27 months and all of the sudden I feel like I’m going through this all over again. I am so down in the dumps.
My “friendship” with Jim is also now over. I guess he feels that it’s not a good idea to date a co-worker. I’m sure he’s right but I REALLY started liking this guy. Now I’m feeling rejected. It’s like I’m 19 all over again. And on top of that, Jim now barely even talks to me. It’s like he’s avoiding me. And that makes everything so awkward. Don’t you think that’s a bit childish? I have absolutely no problem working with him and can’t understand why he’s acting this way. So, yeah, I feel really rejected.
Cheryl, I see that you are in Nags Head. I’m from up that way. Where do you live? I grew up on Maryland’s Eastern Shore and lived for many years in Va. Beach before moving to Florida. I love the Outer Banks and have some wonderful friends who live in Kitty Hawk. I would love to live up there again. Who knows? Maybe I will someday.
Guess I’ve gabbed enough for today. I love that I can come on this site and just talk about what’s on my mind. I never feel judged by any of you because you all get where I’m at. Hoping all of you have a restful weekend. Please continue to pray for me as I do for all of you.
Suzanne
Suzanne, I live in Fl now also. We used to live in Gloucester, VA, went to VA beach a lot, Nags head also. We loved going to bike events. It’s 4 months & 24 days since my “redwolf” passed away. I haven’t been looking yet, I thinkit’s way too soon, even though I am lonely. However,My husband’s daughter son & fiance’ are living with me right now until they find jobs. So I have no privacy, I would rather have my house nice & quiet, (cleaner) & I could live more frugally. Until I find a substantial job myself, I will have to live with my present situation. However, I miss the carefree days Redwolf & I had.
Author: Korina
Suzanne I hate the weekends as well,even though the last 16 months of his life he was unemployed weekends were still OUR time,and even though I am disabled and cant work and am at home every day,Saturdays and especially Sundays I miss him the most,dont know what i am going to do when football season starts again,we were both born in WI and die hard Packer fans,he died just before the super bowl which we won this year in Feb.,he died late Jan,I remember holding his urn of ashes and every time we made a touchdown I would hold his arn high as if he was screaming and shouting yeah we made a touchdown,yeah we won,right now Im really starting to miss the physical touch,especially having my hand in his,I cant imagine ever wanting to date again,i give you a lot of credit,to bad your friend at work cant understand that even though he doesnt want to date you could still use the male friendship,i find i communicate better with males in general except for this site,where you girls help me with my sanity,still hope going home in less than 3 weeks to scatter some of his ashes in WI is going to help me,love you all,Korina
Kate and Mary – as you can see no matter if it’s been 2 weeks or 2 years since our husbands/partners died, there are times when it still feels like day 0 (D-day for our partners). We are united in one thing, our grief. We do not judge, we do not scold (some of us try not to scold), we help each other out. Whether you bring faith in a GOD or you don’t, this site is united only in one thing, everything else is insignificant.
Come and visit when you need us, or just need to talk, cause we are all here to listen. Through time, you will do the same for us. IT is still raw for you, but at 18 months a widow, at times it is still raw for me.
Debie, sweet Debie, Half of your life is over, but like you (I’m 41), we’ve got the other half to conquer! Keep your chin up, good days and bad days are all we have to look forward to, come and see us on the bad days and conquer your life on the good days. Love and strength to you my sweet.
Have a good weekend Ladies (Suzanne, muppets like Jim aren’t worth the energy).
Much love
Norma
xxx
My husband died 6 years ago leaving me with 3 teenagers and it was quite a ride. The worst ride was the one I was taken on by a man who I thought was my gift after all we had been through…not. I have lost everything, my money, health and mind at this point. I thought the world would be a kinder place for my kids and I, but we have experienced quite the opposite.
Twitter: t
June 6, 2011 at 5:58 am
I think that is one of our fears. Not only the loneliness but the financial problems. I took an early retirement, I am 60 years old, at this point of my life I do not want to think about going back to work, I am an elementary school teacher, I love my job, and the children, but dealing with the administration again it is going to be very hard. Thank you!
Kim…Your story is my worst nightmare for my future (my current nightmare is the lonliness and sadness for missing my husband). Were there signs you wish you had noticed? If you have any tips to share…
Kim, how awful, as Debie said it’s my fear too. It’s scary, my husband was always there to help and guide me. I feel I will never find that kind of love and companionship ever again. If you can give us any advice that would be great. Fighting a migraine, so gonna go. Have a great night dear friends. Audrey
I lost my husband suddenly in Feb. He was the one who looked after everything so I knew nothing about our finances or our debts or our holdings. I am not a dependent person but I did let him do that because that is what he wanted to do. I got my act together, with the help of my 3 grown children and we hit the road running. He left me well off so I will not have to worry about having money but the pain of losing him is at times unbearable. My friends were there at first but slowly they are backing away except for a two who I will be forever grateful to. The article was wonderful and right on the money. For those in the throes of loss you will survive. Very tarnished but you will survive.
Twitter: t
June 5, 2011 at 5:31 am
Hello,
How do you survive, my heart actually ache, already 3 weeks he passed away.. My DH was the one doing everything, I find myself doing what he used to do, I miss him so much, Oh! I wish I could have a time machine!!!! IF only I would have taken him to the hospital in the afternoon, not at night, he will be with me now. Thank you for this site, God bless you all
In Memory of my late husband
A year ago today , I cried as I watched you pass away. Although I loved you dearly, I couldn’t make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke my heart to prove that He only takes the very best.
That is such a sweet poem. Made me cry. I miss Mike so much…
Cathy, what a lovely poem for your dear husband…very sweet. One year ago…..you’ve made it through all of the firsts. You did it and you’re still standing. Now continue marching on….toward your new firsts.
Mary, it’s been just 3 weeks for you. You’re still in shock honey and will be for a few months. How do you survive? You start by just getting up out of bed every morning, going to work every day…..normal daily stuff. Don’t think of the big picture yet. It’s too overwhelming. And please start trying to forgive yourself. I know that I still have feelings of guilt over the what ifs (I’m 27 months in to my 2nd life). Regardless of when you took him to the hospital, it was his time to go. It wouldn’t have mattered. So please stop beating yourself up over it. Right now, you need your energies to go toward living and not over the what ifs about things that can never be changed. Keep putting one foot in front of the other……and remember to breathe….
Blessings and love to all,
Suzanne
It is almost 3 months since Dave died. It is hitting me really hard right now. I just feel so lost. I can’t stop crying. All the things we would have been doing in the warm weather are flooding my mind. We loved working out in the yard. Now I feel overwhelmed with all the stuff I have to do on my own and don’t want to do. I miss him so much. My 11 year old son is out of school on Thursday and that has always been a really hard time for me. He is an only child and is not happy unless he has a playmate. It has been so hard all these years to find playmates. I have come to hate summer. He spends way too much time watching TV and playing video games but that is all he wants to do. I sign him up for everything he will agree to do but that still leaves a lot of time off. And now Dave is not here to help me with Mathew. My family lives 350 miles away. I just don’t know what to do with my life. I’m so sad.
Sandy, I feel the same way. My love died January 1 and I dreaded the warm weather coming. I wanted it to stay winter forever. Summer was the time we fixed up outside and made everything perfect…me in the garden, him painting and cleaning the deck until perfect. Then we would have drinks and eat out there and just enjoy it all summer. I can hardly go out there anymore and I did just minimal things in the garden..it all makes me cry. And when people say, “Bob would want you to be strong and happy”, I feel even worse. I know how you feel. We just want to stop time.
Sandy I am feeling your pain,its 4 and a half months for me,I hate summer as well,missing the drives in the mountains with him and the fixing up of the yard,I cant even work,my kids are grown,Im glad U have a reminder of him still home with you,all kids spend way to much time in front of the boob tube and playing video games,maybe u could start a game with him called lets work in the yard or something he and his Dad liked to do together to honor him,it will be hard and rough for both of you but believe me each and every time we honor the man we love we feel better.My family is states away as well,im going home to them in 15 days to scatter some of his ashes and to find some closure. Know we are all here for you,there is no answer,only the love that we had we must keep,for love is all that Matters,many hugs,korina
Thank you so much Korina. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I read you are scattering his ashes in WI. I grew up an hour from Green Bay and understand the whole Packer thing. I wish you peace.
Sandy
Cathy I loved your poem. It was beautiful! Mary, it is still very raw and new to you. It’s 7 1/2 months for me. My husbands passing was unexpected and quick. Let me say a time machine would be wonderful wouldn’t it. I still cry everyday, it hurts everyday, my heart breaks. But sweetie your aren’t alone. Everyone of us know exactly how you feel. We all will be here for you. These women have gotten me through the hardest time of my life, that is how you learn to survive. I have our children and some family here, which helps. The best thing to do is keep moving forward. Your husband would want that for you. Get up and just function. I hear my Willie in my head telling me to get up each day, to get things done. I have listened, ok maybe not every time, lol. But all we can do is to keep trying. Sandy, I feel for you. You are hurting, your son is hurting. Your son needs you more then ever, and you need him. Korina had a great idea, do something together to honor your husband. If he loved baseball, go to watch a game in his honor, eat something he loved. Just do it for him. You will feel better, takes some time, but the crying will get better. We all grive differently, but the help you get on this site is pure love! Norma, Suzanne and Mary have such great wisdom, Sara is sweet and helpful. My point is for you and other new comers, I’ve gotten better because of these women and the many others here. Take Care and never give up, your husband wouldn’t want you to. God bless! Audrey
Twitter: t
June 6, 2011 at 5:48 am
It is a beautiful poem!!! Yesterday we had a mass on his honor. It was beautiful! but I feel so tired!!! What do I do? Two years and a half ago we bought this beautiful front beach home in Dominican Republic, He called it His paradise. That is where he died.He is burried in this place, My family lives in South Florida, I have very good friends in DR they are all retired like us, In florida everyone works, at this moment I am home alone until 7 pm, This is my dilema, do I stay in DR or come back to FL? I do not know what to do!!!! Thank you
Mary, it always makes me feel better when I have a Mass said for Dennis. He wasn’t Catholic but he was Christian and had a very deep faith. So I know he is with our Lord in Heaven.
I don’t think that you need to be making life changing decisions yet. Since you have good friends there with you in the DR, I think you should stay put. Until you’ve had time to fully process this new life you’ve entered, it’s wise not to make major decisions yet. I know that some big decisions I made early on seemed ridiculous to me later. You’re still in shock and in a major fog. Right now you should just continue to take on your day to day activities. And lean on those friends of yours! They can provide emotional strength for you.
Maybe at some time down the road, a move may make sense. But there is no need to rush. It sounds like you do live in paradise…..who would want to leave? And remember, us women are here to cheer you on and give you a shoulder to cry on.
Blessings,
Suzanne
My husband died unexpectedly on Mothers Day. This week will be one month. I am still in disbelief. It seems unreal. I feel so lonely and empty. We have three children, a 2, 3, and 6 1/2 year old. They keep me on my toes. I am a homemaker, and have lots of time on my hands. I am taking it one day at a time. I don’t have the drive or energy I had.I haven’t cooked dinner since then. I find myself in a daze half of the time. I don”t sleep very well. When I wake up, I think it was just a nightmare, but soon I realize its true. I have a big void, Jospeh is missing. I lost my mom in early December, which makes it harder to think this could happen so soon. I was still grieving my mom when my husband died. My heart was broken with my moms passing, now its shattered with Jospehs passing. We had just bought our home last fall and had done many upgrades. We were excited about having many barbeques and using our inground pool for the first time this summer. My friends and family have been great, very supportive, but theres no way they can comprehend how I am feeling. Sometimes I want to be alone and cry and sometimes I just want to drive and drive and keep driving. I know my kids need me but its hard without his help. They rely on me for everything. I know he’s never coming back but I still can’t accept it. I don’t know if I am strong enough to raise our three kids alone. I am 37 years and don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. But, I can’t imagine being with someone else. No one will be able to fill his shoes. I came to visit my sister who lives in Sacramento, 4 hours away, but nothing has changed. When I go home he still will not be there.
Hi Navis,
I am so sorry to hear your story. It is close to mine. I was 36 when I lost my husband in a plane crash. My children were 5 and 2 at the time. I had already lost both of my parents by age 30. So much dispare and heartache for one person to take. I am 2 and a half years into being a widow. It is still hard. Someone once told me that I might not feel normal for 3-5 years. I think that she was just about right. I am just now really starting to feel normal again. The kids were very hard for me to handle alone at first. In fact, the first year or more people kept telling me that I would get through it for the kids and that I would be so glad for them. However, I did not feel that way and felt almost unable to cope with them during that time. I did not have any familial support and although my friends and church were wonderful, I felt like I was a burden. Now, I am enjoying my kids for the most part-they are scarred as we all are from losing their dad. However, I have become determined that I WILL be enough for them. I AM mom and dad to them and I CAN do it. YOU WILL TOO!!!!! I think the saying I said over and over again during the hard times was I can, I will, I must.
Again, I am sooo sorry to hear of your loss. I so know your pain and concern and how you carry your children’s pain as well as your own. It can be unbearable at times. I see you live near CA or in CA. I am taking my kids out to Oceanside for the whole summer. There is a support group for widows and widowers in San Diego. I am going to a couple of their meetings I think. I think they are playdate type activities. Maybe if you are from that are you would like to join or look for one in your area. God Bless you and your sweet children. I know you can do it, because I am. You are stronger than you know and God will help you if you allow Him to…even if He seems unfair and far away at times. Joanna
Navis, my sweet young thing, because that is what you are. No matter what age we find ourselves when this awful event invades our paradise, we all share the same thing. You will find the strength you need to get back into a routine that is beneficial to both you and your children. There are plenty of single parents out there who think they can’t do it, but always somehow find a way. So will you. Don’t be too hard on yourself as you are so early into your journey. Just know, now that you have found our site, that we will always be here to help you through it. What makes it special is that it will be YOU that brings yourself through it, we will only help you along the way. One step at a time sweetness. As to someone else filling your husbands shoes, don’t think that will happen, unless he has the same size feet! Seriously, when you are ready you will find your 2nd love, because now you are on your 2nd life. Give it time, the pain doesn’t get any worse and as time goes by but you will be able to cope with it better. Until that time, come here, shout, cry, laugh, love, we are here for you as much as you are here for us. Much strength being sent your way.
Mary – personally I’d stay in DR, but I’m biased I don’t live in the states! It’s hard Mary, but when the time is right you will know what needs to be done. Much love.
Sandy – with sad days, comes unsad days. Tough times for the summer holidays. Matthew will need you, but is it so bad if he just wants to watch TV and play video games? At least he won’t be wandering the streets getting into trouble. Maybe for this summer it will be good to have him nearer to home. He will help make your sad days, unsad days. And failing all that, you can ask him to help you do things that Dad used to do. After all he is the man of the house now and who knows maybe he will be asking you anyway, what he can do. Chin up Sandy, we all know those sad days. Much love, strength and a wee smile.
Audrey – thank you. Nx
Cathy – well done for making it this far. 1 year and you’ve covered so many vacations, birthdays, christmas and thanks giving, aniversaries. Don’t you feel proud that your husband has helped you make it this far? Keep living sweetness, year 1 was hard for me. When it finally came to an end I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but I still have good days and bad days. I’ll be happier when I think of Martin, I don’t see his final hour flashing before my eyes. I wish it was the first hour of our wedding day that flashed before my eyes, but I’m sure in time it will come.
I’m sorry but I’ve forgotten who said they lost their mum in December. My mum died 4 weeks before Martin did. It’s 18 months for Martin and 19 months for mum. I didn’t have time at all to grieve for my mum, as I was Martin’s 24/7 carer. I had one day off to go to my Mum’s funeral and then it was back to watch my husband slip away from me. Life sucked big time back then. Now it still sucks, but not big time (except on sad days).
Well enough from me ladies, I’ve had a tough time this past week, and I’m trying to swing my mood back up the way, but even I find it hard sometimes. Much Love, Strength, and Peace to you all.
Normaxxx
Thank you Norma, you are so thoughtful. Pleace be with you. Sandy
Sandy I was born in Green Bay,adoped,then lived in janesville for 18 years,gonna celebrate my moms 91st birthday,lived from 18-37 in the Neenah/Menasha area,will be scattering some ashes in Doty park,neenah and some more at Red granite,pearl Lake my hubbys favorite lake and campsite where he DJed for years,where did You live?
Navis I am so sorry you are here but its a great bunch of ladies here,one minute at a time,it got worse for me once the numbness wore off and now i am going thru the stages of grief all over again,its probably because i am going home to scatter some of his ashes. Know you are loved hee and say whatever you want to any of us. korina
I just lost my husband on Feb 13, 2011. I am new to this and do NOT like it…..never wanted to be here. My husband and I always said that we were going to die of old age in our sleep together…..that didn’t happen. He died of small cell lung cancer at the age of 64…..way too young for this day and age. I am alone and miserable. Life is meaningless. We were married almost 40 years. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and brought the best out in me. I no longer care about anyone or anything.
Dear wonderful ladies, hi! For the new ladies that have joined us, I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I’m 7 1/2 months in, and the women on here are the best. No matter the time day or night you can get on here and someone will be here to listen and help any way. Joanna, you said you are coming down to Oceanside this summer? I live here, if you would like to get together that would be great. It is a beautiful town. Only been in the low 70′s like it to be a little warmer. I am a little proud of myself, besides enlarging my wedding ring and wearing it on my middle finger. I cleaned out part of his dresser. It was just some of his older clothes, that he really stopped wearing. Kept a few things for me, his racket ball shorts etc. It’s a small step for me I know, but I still have a long way to go. But I know that Will would be proud of me. Thank you all so much for all the advice and help! Love you, can’t do this without you! Audrey
Hi to the new ladies. I too am so sorry that you had a reason to find this website. My heart breaks for each one of you. All of us ladies know the grief, loneliness and utter heartbreak that you are feeling. We have all been through it. My husband Charlie has been gone for just over 8 months now. He was my everything. He was sick for quite a while with his cancer, so I did learn to take over everything that had to be done. I did all the bills and taxes myself. I mow the almost 5 acres. I keep very busy. It is the only way to get through this I think. I am so thankful to God above who created this man and joined him to me on this earth. I learned of unconditional love from him. I had almost 27 years married to him and have decided to keep the number going, but just say that 27 were with him and the rest, whatever they are, without him here. We will be joined again someday as we both believed in what Jesus did for us on the cross. Gave us eternal life through him. The only way to salvation. I know that even though Charlie cannot be here with me, Jesus is because he said he would never leave me or forsake me. I ask him for guidance each day and he leads me. He comforts me. He has made this journey bearable. So dear ladies, I pray peace and comfort for each and every one of you. Sending hugs. Karen Schieffer
Thank you for writing, Karen! My husband Don has been with our Lord for almost three years now, and we’ve been married 46 years this August. I have made decisions similar to yours, and they give me great peace. My rings stay where they have been for almost 46 years, and will stay there as long I am able to keep them there. My children know to take them off my finger when I die, and then they can do whatever they want with them. I also ask for guidance from Jesus every minute of every day, and He gives me strength, comfort, and peace. And, like you, I pray for the same for all the ladies who read these words. Jeanine
Hi Everyone…
This week my youngest graduates from middle school…we were fairly certain he was going to live to see this–and he’s been gone nearly 9 months. He was supposed to be here. We were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to have the fairy tale. He wasnt supposed to die at 52 and leave me a 42 year old widow. He was supposed to die while napping in a rocking chair on the front porch…not thrashing around fighting for his last breath in my arms.
This just sucks.
Im sorry I’ve been such a downer lately..I’m so grateful to all of you for listening and offering comfort.
deb
Twitter: t
June 7, 2011 at 5:31 am
HI,
We always said we were going to die at old age, my DH dies in my arms like Debbie, it is been three horrible weeks, I can not stop cry, my daughter, becuase of personal problems did get along with her father, she is not taking it to well , she had a flight for June 5 to give us a surprise, and talk to him, instead she had to fly on May 17 for the funeral, she is with anger, did not have a chance to talk with him, as for myself, he was fighting for air, I was screaming for help, so did not have a chance to say a proper good bye, I love him so much, Why did this happen??
Hello friends–old and new. I haven’t posted for awhile, but I read all of yours. June is a rough month for me. On Saturday it would have been my 27th anniversary. The 19th will mark 18 months since my beautiful husband died of a sudden cardiac arrest–plus it’s Father’s day and our 4 kids (26, 23, 15, 10) chose not to celebrate it any longer. They want to treat it like any other day. The 29th is Tim’s birthday.
All of our new friends please know we are a special group thrown together in unwanted circumstances but support and love each other very much. Keep writing.
Love to all,
Lori
Mary its only been 3 weeks,and there is no reason why our hubbys are gone other than they got to finish what they needed to do here on Earth before us and so they get to go on spiritually ahead of us,its not fair thats for sure,I didnt get to say goodbye either,Im going home for some closure to scatter some of his ashes but also dreading it cause it will be like saying goodbye again so i decided I WILL NOT SAY GOODBYE,thats the title of Danny Gokeys song,google it and listen to it on you tube,he lost his wife 2 years ago and still will not say goodbye.My husband always said he was going to live until 119 cause he had a bicentenial beer to open and drink then,we thought we had 30 more years together,we only had 16,and 53 is too young to die.
Debie never apologize for being down,we all have our bad days with hardly any good thrown in between,hugs.
Lori God bless you,Im glad you had 40 years,we all should of had more with our husbands,I understand you dont care about anything or anyone,its human nature to grieve for what we lost and we all have our way with dealing with it,I felt that way at 1st too,by the time I wanted people around they had all gone back to their lives,no more stopping by or calling,just take it one minute at a time,cry,rant,scream,throw something,whatever you need to do,we all have been there,and we all revisit those feelings one time or another,many hugs. Korina
Lori,its only been 4 months for me and the kids didnt acknowledge his b-day In March nor will they do anything for Fathers Day the 19th,hes gone they say. Its so sad,just cause we cant see him doesnt mean the day isnt special and we should remember,i will do my own celebrating by myself.Korina
Hi Ladies,
My first visit for what seems like years. I can’t explain how busy I have been with work and it has kept me buoyant. I have survived a lot of first… our birthdays, the first anniversary of my darling Steve’s sudden death (myocarditis), our daughter Ruby’s 2nd birthday (very low key) and many more widow moments. I am more than ok. I feel bullet proof. Ha. Until something surprises me. I do nothing but pray for Ruby’s health to stay strong.
I am sorry I have not dropped in but I have been missing you all. I find it hard to get everything done by 2am and I knew that if I went on this website, another hour would pass.
I think I am one of those widows who says that time heals. Or maybe I going to hit a wall and come tumbling down all over again. I was gutted when I sat in the Church and all my senses were triggered.. the same sounds, smells, atmosphere. I yelped and gripped my mother in agony and surprise. Perhaps I live in a dream that buffers the pain.
People seem amazed. People move on. They want me to move on. I want to too. But I also don’t want to. I don’t want the void to disappear. It has become like a familiar old scarf I tie around my neck. I used to tell anyone I could that I was a new widow. Pity me please. Now I say less.
Norma thanks for your sweet call above. I zoomed up to see who has posted recently and there you were. You are super special. I wish it wasn’t so tough for you now. And I love your attitude overall.
Lori – you are still a ripper!
Take care everyone. Our bond is so unique and important.
Love Kate
Kate/Norma,
Sorry I thought you were talking to me. Silly me.
Kate, the same thing happened to me. My life changed in half an hour. I have a 2 year old. Your cocoon will be very useful. I am so so sad that anyone else has to go through this. Why oh why are we not prepared. I wish you did not have to run the business and could just run away with your kids and lick your wounds but maybe the everyday chores will get you out of bed. I ran home to my family in Australia with a 10 month old baby. Steve did not live until her first birthday. It was mind numbing.
But I am proof that you’ll be ok. Just read this and forget it for the time being. We are all here for you. I have been a hopeless correspondent but I know I can help anyone who wants the help. All our circumstances are different and perhaps I am too positive for some. I have plenty of hang-ups and issues but the pain changes.
You will discover you have strength you don’t even want.
I wish I could help.
Love Another Kate.
For the 2 Lori’s – Love, love, love
Lori #1 (Lung Cancer) – my mum died of the same thing at 64, she and Dad were 16 days away from celebrating their 45th wedding aniversary. My Dad is 71 and maybe because he is a man, or the fact that he lived under my mums thumb for so many years, he appears to have taken it all in his stride. The fact that when Mum died, Dad was recovering from a mega by pass (5 grafts first of its kind for a man from Dundee) it probably took his mind off it. For me I didn’t get the chance to grieve for my Mum, it was back to Martin the day after the funeral just to watch death take him as well, 3 weeks later. Lori you will get through this, life goes on. Come here and speak to us, we will help you through.
Lori #2 bloody good to hear from you sweetheart. Good to see you popping in.
The 2 Kates.
Kate #1, my buddy in Hong Kong with little Ruby, you know I meant you in the earlier posts (yes ladies we have been in touch away from the site). My thoughts are always straying to you, hoping that you will find the time to drop by. I know how busy you have become and how busy Ruby will be keeping you. Just glad you dropped by.
Kate #2, I love you as well, and I’m here from you too. I’m here for everyone. Love, peace and strength.
Deb – remember low days are a hazard of our situation. Lifting your mood when you are down that hole is hard, but you will learn how to do it. You need to look out for the signs, when you see them coming on, doing something that will get your dolphins jumping (endorphines are released when you laugh, smile, take drugs although thats probably not a good idea). So try it, smile go on try it. Start giving yourself a smile everyday, even just one, see if it works for you like it works for me. I know we don’t have much to smile about, but everyday you get out of bed, that is one more day you have survived this journey. Surely that is worth a smile? Love, love, love.
My menstrual cycle has gone all to pot. I’m nearly 2 weeks late, I’m contemplating going to the Doctor, but I’m scared she gives me a pregnancy test. I’ve got my line all ready. “If it’s positive you better call a priest. You’ve read my notes haven’t you?” I’m not worried, this past few months have been quite low, even with me smiling everyday. Maybe it’s because of a lack of action!
Anyway enough of my babbling. Peace, love and loads of hugs and smiles.
Normaxxx
Norma, I don’t know how you do it but some how you make me smile. I enjoy your humor. That is what I miss, Will and I could do the goofiest things and make each other laugh. I read how many of you didn’t get to say goodbye. Will had a blood clot go to his lungs, I did CPR on him and yelling at him not to leave me! But he passed with me. I’m thankful to God that I was there for him and he wasn’t alone. But sadly all he probably heard was me yelling at him not to go. But if he had a choice he would never of left me. I know he is with me spiritually, and our youngest grand daughter who is 3 smiles and say hi to him. I know he wants me happy. So I try. Norma you mentioned your period being messed up. I’m with you. I’m 51 but still had one, till this happened. Had a few light ones, but lost a lot of weight for me. You cracked me up when you said call a priest! Thanks for laugh, you are a sweetheart. All of you are so understanding and helpful. Thank you! Audrey
Audrey, that would be so nice. I will ofcourse have my kiddos with me, but do have a few days that they are at camp by themselves as well. You can email me at jomitchell4@yahoo.com. I am leaving Thursday if I can ever get my act together. I have procrastinated so in pretty bad shape here. I not only have to pack, but someone is staying at the house so I have to have it neat and orderly and leave enough space for them in the closet, etc… The kids are too young to help so I am pooped! Anyways, would love to meet. Joanna
Twitter: commentluv
June 7, 2011 at 9:44 pm
hi ladies,
to all you new ladies on board this awesome site, welcome.
i lost my husband nov 1st, i think i found this site about a month later,
the wonderful ladies onhere have listened to me, and gave me support
and showed me thier strength, someahead of me in grief, some behind me, and some at about the same timing of grief , but the all have helpd
m get thru these months, listened to me and given such great support.
i look back to 7 months ago, and now to today, i have made a tiny bit of progess, and getting a little bit stronger by the day
Hi Joanna, I just e-mailed you. It will be fun. Take care everyone, you’re in my prayers. Audrey
Can you ladies give me some advice about how to get though this when even taking out the garbage seems hard to do? I have so many things I should be taking care of but I’m just trying to get through the next hour of the day with so much pain in my heart. I’m a worrier and can’t get all the negative thoughts out of my head. If I just know that someone hears my pain, I will feel a bit better. I know we are all in our own states of grief. I just wanted to put mine out there in the world and tell someone. I feel so alone and lost. Thank you for listening.
HI Sandy. My heart goes out to you. Sending you much love and hugs. We all know the pain that you are going through. The shock and overwhelming sadness. A lot of friends and neighbors have said “if there is anything I can do for you, just let me know.” They really did mean it. At least for most of them. I do most things on my own but do ask now (very hard for this independent lady) and others are more than willing to help. This winter we had over a foot of snow in the drive which is over a hundred foot long. My neighbor came over and plowed after being asked if he could use his tractor to make a path. He cleared it all and said when he left, I
“I am sorry I didn’t think of you when I cleared mine, you will never again have to ask, I will make sure you have snow removal.” This is how most people feel. Makes them feel good to help. Ask a neighbor if they would take out the garbage for you until it isn’t so hard for you to do. I will get better Sweetie. Hang in there. You are not alone. I also keep the Christian radio station on in the kitchen, all day long and it seems to keep the blues away. They play praise and worship songs and todays Christian music is so upbeat and refreshing. Come back here and let us know how you are doing, each day if need be. Sending love and hugs to all the awesome ladies on this site.
Karen Schieffer
(PS Tried to send a note from my phone to this site but it didn’t look like it went through so I hope I am not posting multiple times.)
(PSS To Norma, You also made me laugh. Send for a priest, LOL!
Hi Sandy: I am a bit further into my grief than you are. If it would help, I would be happy to give you my e-mail. Then, when I hear from you, I will give you my phone # or I can call you. Perhaps it will help to have somebody who can talk to you and understands completely what you are feeling. My love and hugs to you Sandy. Terre
Author Korina:
Sandy,We each do our grief in our own way,with me right after i did everything,he didnt leave a will,so i had one done for me,went to a lawyer and became executor of his meager estate,fought to have the medical bills overturned,out of a 120 grand I had to pay 7 dollars,changed the 401 k into my name,applied for disability,went to ss to get life insurance policy of 20 grand,changed car into my name,mailed death certificates everywhere,finally got it all done,now getting together trinkets to take home to WI from him to his family,its when I dont have something to do the grief overwhelms me so,too many hours in the day but most of you ladies can work,i do not have that luxery,are you living in WI still? Maybe we could meet up,if not Im only a phone call away,or a email or here on this site to listen,cry with you just like all the ladies here. Love all U gals so much. Korina
Hi Sandy, some good advise there from Karen. I will repeat it in case you missed it YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
My good friends Jeannie, Suzanne, Lori (#2) and loads more would say GOD/Jesus is with you. But it is hard to get a hug from GOD. So I’m sending you a virtual hug, can you feel it? My big strong arms wraped around you, passing on some strength to make you feel warm inside. I wish it could be real, for all the lovely ladies here in the need of one.
The advise I have for you, is tough advise. Remember it is your choice on how you take it. You are still so fresh on this journey we share, it is tough being so far away from your family and facing the prospect of summer looming with your son and not really knowing what to do with him. The pain you feel is enormous, a pain like you have never felt before. We all know this as we feel it too. Your task everyday is to get out of bed, get up and face another day. I don’t know if you work, or if you are a home maker, either way you need to start getting a grip on the pain you feel and make it positive pain rather than negative.
I hear you, it’s easy for me to say this, harder still for you to do. But you can do it, you have that inner strength that has got you this far. So how can we turn our pain to positive? Suzanne puts it well, we are all on our 2nd life (some may be on their 3rd or 4th), and embracing this 2nd life is how you bring the pain you feel to a positive outlook. Use the pain you are feeling, let it remind you of how strong you are. Let it remind you of the daily tasks that MUST be done. Let it remind you of how good you must treat yourself. Let it remind you of your beautiful son, the fruit of love. Let it remind you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Thoughts inside your head, are no good there. You must get them out, instead of rattling around your head. Sandy, you can do this by coming and posting here, letting us share your thoughts. Sandy, you can speak to a church member or close friend. Sandy, you can write them in a diary or note book. When your thoughts are shared, you will find they stop rattling around inside your head and it will help.
PAIN IS STRENGTH, IT MAKES US FEEL ALIVE. Use your pain to help you along this path and you will bring your low days to less than low days, to high days. And we will help you.
I have a note book sitting by my bed. When I have too many thoughts that are making me sad I write them down, as if I were speaking to Martin. It helps me, I hope doing the same thing or similar will help you to, Sandy.
I found that I didn’t want to do anything about 3 months in. But 5 years before I had a breakdown. I taught myself to recognise the signs and symptoms that come with depression, and I gave myself little tasks to help lift my mood. So what I’ve said above isn’t me just spouting hot air, I know they work.
I love you Sandy, I send out strength across the airwaves to all those who are having low days, you will feel it as much as you can feel my virtual hug.
Think of this, when you saw your husband on your wedding day, what did you do? Smile. Think of that moment and SMILE!
Much love
Normaxxx
Hi Ladies,
Norma, you’re a hoot! But I think you have to approach each day with as much humor as possible. It certainly is what gets me through. I’m a bit older than you – I’m 52 and I am past menopause. Thank God! I really had a very easy time with it. I was on the pill for many years – two-fold reason was birth control and keeping my periods regular. So when Den died, I told my doctor I was going off the pill. I was 50 at the time and she thought I was probably in menopause anyway. I never had a bit of trouble after that. Had a few hot flashes but no other problems. Den had been sick for 18 months before he died and needless to say, we hadn’t had sex for several months before he died. I went for an out-patient surgery 6 months after he died. They asked me when I had my last period and I told them that it had been several months. The doctor flipped out and said I had to have a pregnancy test first. I just laughed…..told him I hadn’t had sex in a year and if I was pregnant, it’s was an immaculate conception!
I’m still having a hard time lately. One of my dear friend’s husband was in a very serious accident last Thursday and is now in a coma. It’s touch and go. He’s in Costa Rica (where they own a hotel) and she had to rush down last weekend. I also just ran their youngest daughter to the airport Monday evening so she could fly down. Not sure if he will make it. I pray that she doesn’t join our club.
I just feel so angry lately. I’m struggling with having to deal with car repairs and repairs at the house. I have been very anxious over my finances and just know that I will run out of money soon. I work full time and have a pretty good job but I just don’t make enough each month to pay for everything. I’m going to contact my mortgage company for the 3rd time and ask for some sort of help with a lower interest rate if I refinance. The last couple of times, I was told I’d have to be past due to get any modification. Ridiculous! That’s what’s wrong with this country. Rewards only go to those who DON’T pay their bills.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I suck at being alone. I can’t stand not having that someone to go home to and share my day, my fears, my joys. I miss not having someone to physically touch me, hug me, love me. I don’t want just anyone to fill the void. He’s got huge shoes to fill. I just hope someday to find love again.
As usual, I’ve rambled enough. Thanks for letting me talk. This site is a true comfort to me. Love, peace and healing to all.
Blessings,
Suzanne
Hi Sandy, Norma mentioned writing down your thoughts. That is what I do. About a week after it happened I bought a journal, I write to Will every night. I’m on my fourth journal now. I tell him what happened to me that day, how I’m feeling, tell him what the grand kids are doing, etc. And of course how much I love and miss him. It’s better then wanting to just throw things, because I have felt like it. I don’t remember how far in you are, but it sounds real new. I’m so sorry that you or any of us has to go through this. We all wanted to grow old with our husbands, that is how it should be. But it wasn’t meant to be for any of us. Try and keep busy everyday, your husband wants you to be happy. I promise you. When I hear of couples after years of marriage just throwing it away, I want to smack them, tell them how lucky they really are! Suzanne, I’m 51 and feel the same as you. I don’t want to be alone. If Ive spent the day with my sisters, seen a movie or hung out with one of our kids. It’s great, but coming home I cry, because he isn’t here for me to tell him. He isn’t here for my hugs and kisses. I miss the secret looks, knowing what’s on his mind. Sitting on his lap every night. ( never needed my own chair). Lol! But I never realized how other family members or friends perceived us, till he passed. Saying that they wished they had what we shared. I know our children want a marriage like ours. So we set a good example. Will and I had said many times that who ever goes first we wanted the other to be happy. I had told him I never wanted him to be alone! He’d say ” honey I won’t be alone!” and laugh! But he had to promise me not to make love on my side of the bed! Lol! Well God took him home early, way to early! I did dream of him last night. He looked like he did when we first met. Just remembered holding each other, and he said he couldn’t stay, he had a lot to do. Then hugged me again. It was sad. It felt so real. Because if it was just a dream we would of done a lot more then hugging! Lol! Thank you dear ladies for listening. Sandy and all of you my prayers are with you! Audrey
Well they just dnied my disability clain,having a good pity party here,going to have to appeal it,but right now Ive just shut down am crying and such,was so looking forward to going home for some closure,now i dont even care,I just dont care.
Korina, honey I’m so sorry. It’s so easy for them to say no it’s not them. So they really don’t care. I know the feeling of not seeing light at the end of the tunnel. But it will happen, in a different way, God won’t let you down. I know easier said then done. But I would find out why, and fight it if you can. Good luck dear friend. Audrey
Twitter: commentluv
June 8, 2011 at 10:18 pm
hello ladies,
i have read all the posts just havent been able to be online much today, been busy getting ready for our annual yardsale but also this year including it as a fundraiser for an organization that has touched my life.
been a busy bee which helps me with passing time.
to all the ladies who recently are new to this site or new to your loss, i am so sorry for your loss,i feel for you as i know exactly what its like, it has been 7 months ago when i lost my husband unexpectly and i found this site and i have gotten thru these months with the help of you ladies on here .
to you newcomers , i at first felt like it was the end of the world, it seemed like it, and i too for like 3 months, or so did nt even sleep in ou bed, i slept on the couch every night, i didnt want to get out of the house, didnt want to go anywhere, to se family friends or anywhere.
, i turned down invitations to everyone, i had to go thru thansgiving, ( julians favorite holiday) but we all ( his 8 sisters and out family still got together like we always did , it was he hardest first holiday with out hum, but together we did it, he was there in our hearts, then there was christmas, then valentines day, ( my favorite , i stil donethe same thing, i always decorate the house) , then his bday , ( i always had a get together , i had a baloon release for him) .
ITS BEEN VERY HARD AND I AM SO LOST WITHOUT HIM, WE DONE EVERYTHING TOGETHER,
although its been 7 mths, its still hard, although i do have less really bad days.
TODAY WAS ONE OF THOSE DAY , TODAY WE 9 YRS AGO JULIAN AND I MET, it was a tough day, and i took off , got soem things done in the house, and you woulnt beleive that i was listening to the radio, and i heard our wedding song,. its like he was here with me, i took dinner to the cemetary , ate , talked to him, put him a ann baloon , sat therefore over an hour , i felt comfort..
it is so hard but we are here for each other.
it has been 7 mths , i still havent touched Julians clothes, it is all in the same place, i still am wearing my wedding ring, still say “uur” , icant get used saying “me”, i hate the lonliness,but iwill get thru this….
its very hard financialy,going from two incomes to one, we just moved in our house 6yrs ago and Julian always made the house payment, so that now is a big “chunk” of my income gone.
Julian was 16yrs older than i was, and was only 64 when he passed, and i do not any benefits, i will be 49 this year and a “widow”,i hate that word…..
ladies goodnight take care and i will keep youall n my prayers.
i feel your pain,
I get upset with people who have never lost a loved one or whose life has gone on with no strife. They truly do not understand and can be very insensitive.
I have a neighbor and friend who lost her husband 3 months before me. Why does it seem once a death occurs that things seem to spiral down? She is know losing her job, house and two of her children are going through major struggles. My heart bleeds for her, because this could be any one of us. My sister is so cold. When I told her (my sisters life has been perfect – husband who doesn’t take care of himself – but still goes on – kids that are doing okay and she has her job) She said “Well she caused this herself. She just has to deal with it.” So simple to say when your whole life is not crumbling. I don’t understand how some people can be so cold.
In losing Paul 16 months ago, I have changed so much and have gone through so many more changes due to his death – financially, spiritually and socially. It is a lot of adjustment. More than most people realize. I will never be the person I was before all this happened. Why can’t people be more compassionate and understanding? They just assume that because time has passed you are “okay.”
Sorry, just needed to vent. My heart goes out to my neighbor. I am helping her with some packing and decisions – but it is so hard to watch her pain.
Thanks for listening ladies.
Twitter: t
June 9, 2011 at 4:13 am
I just want to say thank you, this is a wonderful site, God bless you
Karen, Terre, Korina, Norma, Audrey and all the ladies who read this site, thank you, thank you, thank you for writing to me with your suggestions and kindess. I am going to keep re-reading your words and well wishes to get through this. My 57 year old husband died suddenly March 8 from blood clots in his lungs. I am 50 and our son is 11. We live in Minnesota. Norma, I did just hit the 3 month mark and it has fallen on me like a ton of bricks. Everything has converged at the same time. This has always been my worst time of year. Dave’s birthday was June 4. I’m off work for the summer (I work part-time for the school district), son off school for the summer, too much time on my hands. I’m an introvert and don’t have a lot of social support. I had lunch with a couple ladies from work on Monday and one of my son’s friend’s moms yesterday who are all great so I am reaching out. My sister-in-laws and brother-in-law have responded to my e:mails so I am still able to ask for comfort which I think is good. You all are fantastic. I just feel I want to let others know I am in pain. I already take an antidepressent and have a med. check appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday. Friday my son and I drive to Milwaukee, WI for my nieces high school graduation. So I have a few things going on. I just want this dull aching hole in my body to go away and be able to enjoy the flowers, trees, grass, sun and wind again. Thank you all so much for listening.
Korina, I am so sorry they denied your disability. It is just not right.
Sandy,
I also live in Minnesota. I lost my husband almost 18 months ago (Father’s Day will be 18 months–Dec. 19, 2009). We were married June 11, 1984 so Sat. would be my 27th wedding anniversary. We have four children (2 daughters -26, 15 & 2 sons – 23, 10). My 10 year old son had a hard evening yesterday. He has been doing ok for the most part. How about your son? It has been hard for me seeing the children grieve. I think that is the most unjust part of this whole thing.
Love to all, Lori
Lori, my son (11 yrs) is doing fine, which kind of worries me. Does he have feelings for other people? My husband was the disciplinarian and he didn’t really like his dad. But the day he found out he died he had a good cry with the priest and I. But since then he hasn’t really been any different. I am really worried about raising a teenage boy on my own. How do you do it with the 15 year old?
Twitter: t
June 9, 2011 at 8:00 am
HI, to all of you, I just want to go to I do not know where, I feel sad and my heart ache I can not stop crying, my son keeps everything for himself, my daughter is very angry, they did not get along very well, so she was flying to our home to talk with him, june 5th was her flight, instead, that same date we were all together celebrating a mass on his honor, she is very angry.
All I can say is keep sharing ladies! I have been away for a week the first time without rich. I went with a bunch of friends actually 2 other couples their children and dog and my sister for support. It was sad at times but also it was great to have such dear friends all around and I could be me. We do a talent show and the final act was a song called the hotel cindy turner with a final tribute to my husband Rich. ever knew a Eagles song could make me cry. When i go back to the cape in July my sons, sister and her family and my dad will be there, then we are going to be scattering some of his ashes at different locations. Rich always wanted to retire and live at the Cape. I guess a part of it is true. 8 months….i do have some good times even some good days then there are the times I cant get out from under the saddness. Blake is talking to “poppa” alot. I guess he hears me talking also.
Lori married 40 years, i understand i have been married for 34 years..your will to live will come back. it takes time for the fog to disapear.
Mary i also was yelling at Rich to not go to stay here. yelling at the EMT to do something. It was the scarriest moment in my life and then to realize Rich was gone.
Korina we have celebrated each and every “special day’so far. Differently then before. I am not sure about fathers day, that will be the hard one for the boys especially.
Norma, I also watch out for the lowdays because i do find that they are a hazard to mealso.
Navis a single mom nightmare. I watched my sister do the single parenting thing after a terrible marriage and divorce. i know it is very different then being a widow and single mom. But i know it can be done one struggle wrapped in your childrens love at a time. I am a single grandmother, Rich and i have had custody of our grandson since he was born ,Rich did most of the driving to daycare watching while i was working so now i am alone with a 3 1/2 year old sweet little boy.
Kim i say the serenity prayer all the time . I have found that it really helps me.
Mary I have worked on my feeling about the timing of taking Rich to the hospital or calling the EMTs . My therapist has finally made me realize that it did not know what was happening and if I keep doing the “should of’s to my self i was digging my hole deeper . We do not have a crystal ball so we do what we can do.
Sorry i have rambled on but i was so pleased to find so many of us out there, that understand my life that i just wanted to say thank you.
Twitter: t
June 9, 2011 at 12:29 pm
It is hard, very hard to be without my husband, like I said before, we were always together, now I found myself alone. This looks like a nightmare, hope to wake up and see my DH again.
My younger sister calls me every day telling me how bad her day went etc, if I even put my two cents in she’ll say something “can I talk”? Is she calling to make me feel better or just to poor out her venting? She tells me the reason I can’t find a job is my age is against me (56) & I’m too fat. I’m a size 16 in most clothes, depends on how they’re made, sometimes I fit in a 12-14. I know I’m a little fat. I go to a gym 3 xs a week to work out, but I still eat candy sometimes. When I do go for an interview I am always dressed nice. I’ve been applying every where, christ. Thank god the military & VA is helping me with disability & retirement moola. enough to pay rent & utilities. but I still have to eat, gas in the car, phone, tv, an old school loan & his toy mustang he had to buy last year which put him 5,000 in the hole. Besides I’m an active person, I hate sitting around doing nothing. so I’m always thinking of projects to do. I’m refinishing our old ugly brown dresser & nite stand, painting it white. I changed our bedroom into light yellow girly stuff for the summer. I still miss “redwolf” every day, wishing he was here every day. dmmit, where is he when I need him. anyone else having problems finding jobs?
Size 16 is not fat. People need to change how they see rather than how they look. I am a Size 16 and celebrate my size. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband in 2010. Yes, everyone wants to give advice.
Author Korina:
Kathy Im 57 and disabled and cant get a job,yesterday they told me I wasnt disable enough to get a job,so today I called several lawyers,none will take my case as I havent been able to go to a doctor in over 20 months,my hubby was unemployed for 16 months before he passed and hes been gone 4,hence the 20 months,my medical records are too old to qualify that I still am disabled to them so i have to appeal thru the program they have with ss,Im scared to death i am going to lose my home. korina
Was your husband in the military at all? My husband was 100% disabled vietnam vet, he had all the health problems from there, agent orange, ptsd, diabetes, back problems, neuropathy, etc . the military concluded it was on account of the military that he died, conjestive heart failure. doesn’t everything suck when they go & leave us to take care of everything? I hope there is a god for you.
kathy
Yes Kathy he was in the army from 1987-1997,he severely damaged his back,slipped disks but got nothing from VA as he was only in 10 years,and since Im only 57 dont qualify for his social security till 62 and cant get ssi as i have a 20 thousand dollar life insurance policy that is slowly dwindling down to nothing.Korina
Hi Sara, I’m 7 1/2 months and only got to the bottom of his dresser of old clothes he really stopped wearing. But the rest is how he left it. Lori, I had our Anniversary in April. 30 years. It was hard, but. Celebrated with our four kids and their families. So it made it a little easier. I will be thinking of you. Sandy my William also passed because of blood clots to his lungs. I’m grateful I was with him and he didn’t go alone. You think that in this day and age, they could do more to prevent this sort of tragedy. Before in the earlier months I thought to myself that I will never move on with someone else. But at. 7 1/2 months I now know I can’t live the next 30 some years alone. Not having that closeness and love. Will is and always will be the love of my life. But I know he wants me happy. So I will see what God has in store for me. Norma and Suzanne, have gotten some texts from Rob. Not as often as I’d like. But now he had to go to China for ten days. Said he’d call when he gets back. That he is working a lot. Ok…I know I’m not top priority, even trying to have a new friendship is hard. Will spoiled me, loving me always caring and protective. So I will keep you updated. Try and keep the faith ladies. I know I’m trying. If any of you believe in mediums, google Natalie Tomlinson. Talked with her she is amazing, helped me a lot. Love and prayers to you all. Audrey
Hi everybody,
It has been a long journey for me. I keep reading everybody’s posting. I have been talking with my Pastor. I see that I have grown the last three years and five months. My Barry will be so proud of me. He loved me for the spirit that I have.
Good news…I will be leading a Sacred Circle on July 20th…I have to do announcements, prayers, blessings, lead the topic, lead the meditation, discussions and do the final closing prayers. My topic is “The Beauty of Lady Nada”. She is an Ascended Master that came to me 2 1/2 years ago. She is of Peace, Service and Brotherhood. She carries the purple and gold ray.
My Pastor asked me as to when I will let myself be a woman, again. I have been carrying this torch for my Barry. My Pastor told me that is the Eternal Love. It will always be there.
I think that whenever a special person that comes into my life again…I would be crying with Love and relief that I still can love. What a mess!!!! That is me…LOL.
I have been isolation for such a long time. The only place that I go to is my Spiritual Community. I connect to Mother Earth real well…thru my gardening and you all see the doves, bluejays, blackbirds and squirrels that come to my yard. It is my haven. They are not afraid of me…because I walk softly and quietly. I speak to them.
Now, I am going to venture out into the world, again. I am going to join http://www.meetup.com for groups of people of my interest…nature, walks, gardening, bird watching, etc. I need to start socializing again.
There are events thru Broward County in Florida that does not cost much at all that I can attend with my interest.
Love to all of you. Be brave. Be strong. Keep your hearts open. Do not shut down.
Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Twitter: t
June 10, 2011 at 5:29 am
My Dh passed three weeks ago, I wonder how to be brave????? MY grown up children have their lives, I do not want to be an intruder, I do not know what to do, do I stay in South Florida where my children are??? Do I go back to our retirement home in Dominican Republic???? MY dear husband used to call it His paradise and it is a paradise but how can I be in this beautiful home without him? The day after the funeral, cementery, I left to South Florida, did not get the chance to be all by myself in the house. Will I be able to stay in this house alone? I am so confused I do not know what is going to be my future without DH, we were supposed to get very old together. Why did it happen?????????
Dear Mary,
I am trying not to go into a panic of remembering. I feel that I have been asleep, walking in a fog for a long time.
I need to take my little doggie to a Holistic Veterinarian to get a paper for the landlady because of her insurance. I remember my Barry and I would take our little doggie. Even the vet is not there anymore. I will have to find a new one.
I learn thru my Paster…for my adult self to come and take charge…instead of hiding all scared like one of the inner children in me.
Where in South Florida are you. I am off of Griffin Road, just a few blocks west of I-95. I am near the waterway, north side. I am just outside of Dania.
I am so sorry for your DH going away from this earthy plane. He is always in your heart.
When, I get scared…I remember the Love that is between my Barry and I. It always bring a smile to my face and my whole being would light up.
Blessings,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
I am lucky I have a job. But i work full time because I carry all of the insurance. But now I am so overwhelmed that I would like to lose one day and they tell me if I cut back below the 35 hour requirement that i would lose all of my benefits because 4 days only gives me 32 hours. And I can not just add 3 hours into my schedule because of how my work day goes. So I try to play catch up getting up at 5:30 a.m. to be in work at 7:30. I get up take care of my things then wake Blake up get him ready out the door by 7 the latest . in bed sleeping by 9 so I can do it all over again. I have realized that i am doing a two person job and then dont forget about all the house things.I managed to put in the air conditioners the other day, a first for me. Rich tools are right were he left them, his motorcycle is in the shop getting ready to be used by our son. could not seperate from the bike it is Rich’s. Just like the shirts I wear for comfort. I do cry less my job is in the public, I am able to maintain my serenity through work most of the time. A regular customer who has not seen me in a while grabed my arm the other day and asked what ever possesed me to do a tattoo on my arm….I simply said my husband had passed away. I still hate to use the word died. on and on
Cindy, I have a tattoo on my leg of a charming devil. I drew the devil, then had the guy take a picture of my husband & made the devil look him, it is a wow thing, looks just like “Redwolf”. When we got married I designed a red wolf’s head & had that done on my back right shoulder. So, that’s it for me. I don’t care what people sy, my husband had many tattoos, he was a Harley riding decent man. I go to his grave in a nat’l cemetary every friday.
Hi Cindy,
I do not use the word died…dead either. I just say my Barry left this earthy plane. His spirit lives on.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Mary Lotus Butterfly: Would it be possible to call you? Love, Terre
Dearest Terre,
You can call me. 954-806-6864, my cell number. I am getting ready to go to work…so leave a clear message with your telephone number. I will be home this evening, eastern standard time after 7 pm.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Im so depressed,did my appeal this morning,took hours,it is filed but no one will represent me until 1-2 months before the hearing and the hearing can be up to 12 months or more before it is scheduled,i have about 10 months of money left,thats it,shortest time would be 7 months,if I lose the house i guess i lose the house,but what happens to my 2 greyhounds,man I am so down,some prayers girls for a miracle!
Korina, have you gone to a vet rep to see if your able to get anything from the military? I’m down to my last couple hundred dollars. thank god the va is giving me part of my husband’s disability, & the army will give me some of his retirement. I still need a job desparately & have been looking for over 4 months. can you do any kind of part time job? even sit down jobs? I have a little chihuahua, so I know what you mean about pets. most places won’t allow pets. see if a va rep can help you or try emailing a state rep or even the governor. good luck
Hi all,
Got word yesterday that my mortgage company will refinance me at a fixed rate that’s 3 points less than what I am currently paying. This rate will hold for 5 years. I feel thankful to get this offer. This will give me some breathing room (hopefully) financially. I pray that the market picks up soon down here so that I can eventually sell.
Tomorrow, I’ve got to get one of my cars in for 4 tires. That’s another $500 down the drain. I hate having to shop around for these “guy stuff” purchases. I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about. Den always handled all of this. It just puts me in such a snitt when I have to deal with it. I’m also starting to do some basic upgrades to my house. I’m hoping this will help it sell when I do eventually put it on the market. I think my daughter and I can do alot of it. But some of the electrical will have to wait until my brother comes down again from New Jersey. Too bad it didn’t work out with the coward Jim. He’s an electrical genius. But that’s okay….I’ll never ask him for any help.
Again, the weekend looms……I already feel my mood sinking. I just wish I could get through these dark clouds and find sunshine again.
Korina: So sorry to hear you were denied disability. Can you get a relatively inexpensive (yeah, right) doctor’s exam so that you have current medical records? And I believe you can collect your hubby’s SS when you turn 60. But I know that it still feels like a million years out!
Audrey: I’m glad to hear Rob still seems interested. He also sounds extremely busy – which is good. I know it doesn’t seem like you’ll have alot of contact with him at this time. But maybe that’s the way it should be. I think maybe I might have been a little needy with Jim. He always initiated the contact but maybe I pushed a little too much. Who knows? I guess it will click when I meet the “right” guy.
Mary: I think you should definitely go back to the DR. Go when you’re ready – but do go. That is your home now and that is
where you’ll find DH. He’s still there. He’s all around you. And he’s in your heart. Going home will help heal you. It will take a long time but the healing will come. And what better place to be? – home with DH.
I hope all you gals have a safe and restful weekend.
Suzanne
havent seen a vet rep but have called,basically im not entitled to anything till Im 62,like his ss,as i said he was only in 10 years,I cant even sit more than a hour without being in extreme pain,Im basically between a rock and a hard place Kathy,but I do appreciate your concern and love,Korina
Twitter: t
June 10, 2011 at 11:22 am
Thank you, I like how you say it, going away from this earthy plane, thank you again, I am in Cuttler Bay that is close to Homestead, I am flying back to DR June 18th, let me see how everything is going to turn. Thank you.
Audrey, can you share some of the things the psychic told you? I’m just curious to know what she was able to tell you. Sandy
Corinne: I need to change my e-mail to livingangels7@live.com
Suzanne, thank you so much for your advice. I really do appreciate it, I don’t want to come across needy. My son tells me that it’s a new position for him so Rob needs to prove himself. So I get it, like you said, maybe it’s as it should be. And my money seems to quickly as well. Right after Will passed ( don’t say died, dead or f word, it’s his service) his dream car the Jaguar wouldn’t start. Had to get new fuel pump. Then his truck wouldn’t start, had to get a new starter. ( his cars must of known about Will and didnt like it). Then I broke a tooth, paid a lawyer as well for dumb paper work! So every time I turned around it was something, besides the bills. We have a cabin, which I might have to sell, but as you all know this isn’t the time to do it. But I’m figuring it out, and our children have always been there for me. Hi Sandy, one of the things she said was ” he says do what you want with your nails” she asked what it meant. I had fake nails for the passed 15 years or so. And he liked it because I’d would scratch his head and back with them. He loved It. I was thinking of taking them off, but never said anything. So he knew what I was thinking. I did take them off. Also Will had blurry vision in his right eye, that was from the tumor. ( Natalie doesn’t to this day know how he passed) she said ” he says he can see clearly out of his eye.” not eyes just eye. Because his other was fine. My husband always had a mustache, dating and our whole married life. He shaved it for the surgery. I told him I didn’t know him. I missed and loved his mustache. So he promised to grow it back for me. Natalie said ” honey he had facial hair, but then he didn’t, but was growing it back for you.” that blew me away. Because there is no way she could of known that, even our kids weren’t aware we said that to each other. So much more, things she told the kids was amazing. Like our younger son played the new game, that is what they called it. Will would drive and tell Jake let’s play the new game, and tickle his knee while driving. Did that since he was a toddler. But the night before the reading, Jake got into his truck and said ” dad let’s play the new game” and cried. Natalie said ” he wants to play the game, no it’s the new game.” that is when Jake told us what happen the night before. I know that he is happy, and he said he knows how hard I tried to keep him here. Her words to all of us gave us comfort, And got us through the holidays. Spoke again for our Anniversary, made it feel like we were together. I still just email her and talk, I’ve gotten a new friend out of this. Hope I haven’t bored anyone, if so sorry. Take care ladies, always have you in my prayers. Audrey
Audrey, thanks for responding.
I talked to a psychic too. It was interesting. My husband came through and said our son was a lier and I needed to becareful (11 yrs old). That was very disturbing. The next day the psychic emailed me and said my husband came back through and said to tell me that he is a good kid but I need to get him in the right school, right friends, and good role models. So not only am I totally depressed about my loss, now I am completely worried about raising a teenage boy.
Audrey, do you remember how you felt 3 months into your loss? Actually, when was your lowest point. I know we can’t compare grieving but I just need something to hold on to. I couldn’t do anything today but lay on the couch. No reason to get up.
Sandy
Corinne, do you have any advice for the ladies who are struggling with finances? Being in a different country I have no idea how the US system works, and as much as I want to help, this is an area I’m not familiar with.
Ladies – I’ll keep it brief. There has been a lot of traffic on the site in the past few days, and it warms my heart to see how much support we are all offering each other. Suzanne gave some good advice ( I think it was to Mary), go back hom, when you are ready.
I’ve moved my wedding ring. It is now on my right hand. Strange and I did want to move it back this morning because it was uncomfortable, but my finger will get used to it. I love my husband, but I know I’ll have better luck finding a man, if when he meets me he doesn’t think I’m just out to cheat on my man,. I know the things we need to consider.
Ladies, smile for the weekend. Life is hard for all of us, some more than others because of the added financial burden and inconsiderate sisters.
MLB – hands together, bow.
Audrey – a new relationship means you want to hear from him everyday. Be patient sweetheart.
Much love, peace and strength to you all.
Normaxxx
Hi everybody,
I remember after my Barry left this earthy plane, I could not go on carrying the financial stuff by myself anymore. I had to let it all go, down sized. The material things did not have any meaning to me anymore. The one person that filled my heart with love was my Barry.
Even today, I am not working so many hours since the beginning of the year. I am a Chef…a very rough job up on my two feet for long hours. I take care of Seniors, run the kitchen and do the orderings. I just finished saying that I might be a little poorer, but I am a whole lot happier. I have a garden, eat vegetables, whole grains, cheeses, eggs and just a little bit of chicken & seafood. I make protein green drinks and protein fruit drinks.
A month ago, I spent three hours with the telephone company…where I have all of my PC, laptop, cell phone and landline with. I manage to save $100 a month off from my bill…thru AT&T U-verse. I talked to several people in the company.
I have time off all together during the week, so I have time finally for myself…so I can have time to heal and grow.
I have been studying with my Pastor the past three years. Thru my Ministry Courses and the Sacred Circles…It helped me thru the Fog and to stay Focus. I started see my Pastor once every week to really get down into me…to talk about issues hidden away. I am not so scared these days. I understand and see the signs of fright…I just want to run and hide…I tell my little inner girls not to be frighten…that my adult self, Mary is in charge.
So, my friends…remember to put yourself first. You are the foundation right now. Do not let this grieving overcome you. Remember the Love. That is your Fortress. I fought back real hard in the beginning. One day the Fog will start lifting and the Light will come thru again.
Norma, Thank you. I remember you and Terre. I was trying to remember where Terre lives.
I was thinking out of this support group and connection that we can somehow retain a friendship. We will have friends and not be so alone.
Mary, sorry about DH leaving you…but he is only next door…just not in the same room. You are about an hour or two from me in South Florida.
There is a Sacred Circle in Miami, where you can go for spiritual support…a place to go to get in touch with your self and be in a safe place. My spiritual family is thru medicinesigns.com
Travel this journey GGP…Gently, Gracefully and Peacefully.
I am helping my friend, Bill up in Canada to be able to travel his journey.
Peace and Love,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Mary you live in Fl also? I live in Leesburg FL. It will be 5 months this coming monday for me. I’m still looking for a decent job, a week day thing. You’d think I could find something even with my veteran’s preference. ha! it is not easy here in Fl is it? kathy
Hi Kathy,
You must be up by Orlando, Winter Haven area. You are about 2 1/2 – 3 hours north of me.
Hey, we might be able to have a Florida group of friends…besides our friends all over the country and the world. See, we are not too alone.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi: I just ran across this site on the internet. My husband passed away about 2 1/2 years ago. At first everyone was here for me, then I had to have both hips replaced. Slowely everyone stopped coming to see me. All my family live back East so now I have no where to turn. Have had a caregiver. I am just getting on my feet but now my very best friend who passed away very suddenly. She was a great support to me after my husband died. Now I just feel very stranded and very much alone. Can anyone give me advice.
Mary and Kathy…..another Florida dweller here!! I live outside of Ocala. So I’m not far from you at all Kathy. I like the idea of us having a Florida group Mary. And with the internet, we’ve gotten to know women all over the world. I feel like I live just down the street from Norma, who’s in Scotland!
Carole: Welcome to our site. I’m so sorry for your loss and loneliness. It’s been 27 months since my Dennis passed. I understand how you have relied on your friends for support. I too have wonderful girlfriends who have given me so much support. You will find that kind of friendship here on this site. These women are awesome. Every one of us understands what you are going through – some are newbies and others are further in their journey. But we all understand. So come to us when you are feeling low and I guarantee you will feel better after sharing your feelings with us.
Norma and Audrey: Remember my comments on the coward Jim? Well, he sent me a text last night out of the blue!! He apologized for his bad behavior over the last couple of weeks. I’m going to talk with him tonight so I’ll let you know what he says. My daughter thinks he’s being (as she puts it) sketchy. I don’t know…..I’ll see where this goes.
Blessings to all,
Suzanne
I live in the Tampa Bay area.
June 7th was two years since Richard went home.
It sounds like a long time, but it seems like yesterday.
We had 46 wonderful years together, we got to grow old
together. I guess I am fortunate to have so many years, and
it probably sounds greedy to have wanted so many more, but I did.
There is some truth to the saying that time helps. It does, except I’m still find myself waiting for him to come home. My tears have slowed, but have not stopped. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever smile or be happy again.
There is alot of truth that it takes each person a different amount of time to get over losing your mate, and no one should say enough time has past and you should move on. My family and friends have allowed me to grieve, and are there if I need them. I’m grateful for them.
Hello Ruth, and all…
You sound a lot like me, Ruth. On June 23 it will be three years since my Don went home to our Lord. We had 43 fantastic years together, for which I am immensely thankful to our God who brought us together. However, like you, I wanted more….. and still wish we could have had more good, healthy years together. But, for reasons I cannot understand right now, that was not to be. I may have posted this quote before, but it is good enough to post again:
In GriefShare’s devotional, Through a Season of Grief, Dr. Larry Crabb is quoted as saying, “Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there’s going to be an ache that won’t quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain.”
This quote perfectly describes my thoughts and feelings. I am three years into ‘the rest of my life,’ life without Don. I frequently wish I could have my ‘old life’ back, but am depending on the Lord to show me what He wants me to do between now and when I join Don. I take each day at a time, and am often surprised and delighted with the joys that God provides, despite my ongoing pain.
Blessings to you all.
I talked to a psychic too. It was interesting. My husband came through and said our son was a lier and I needed to becareful (11 yrs old). That was very disturbing. The next day the psychic emailed me and said my husband came back through and said to tell me that he is a good kid but I need to get him in the right school, right friends, and good role models. So not only am I totally depressed about my loss, now I am completely worried about raising a teenage boy.
Audrey, do you remember how you felt 3 months into your loss? Actually, when was your lowest point. I know we can’t compare grieving but I just need something to hold on to. I couldn’t do anything today but lay on the couch. No reason to get up.
Sandy
I had to have some work done on Richs motorcycle before our son could ride it. So we use to go riding with another couple alot and david offered to help me get it to the shop. So he picked it up at our house and drove it to the shop then when done brought it back to us.well last night david returned the bike and his wife followed him and they brought burgers for us to grill. well we sat out side talking and david started to talk about how hard it was for him to be on Rich’s bike, and to drive alone any way it got to be a emotional evening.I did not think about david’s feeling about loosing a friend and especially since he is a guy they just don’t talk about their feelings. I heard more from him on the loss of a friend then I have heard from any of Rich’s 3 brothers and 4 sister’s. It was sad and nice at the same time. I understand some people don’t know what to say so they just don’t say anything. But to kep it all inside is not a good thing either. As my therapist said she would worry if I was not crying or going through the grief process the way i am.
carole to me you are dealing with 2 losses first your husband now your best friend. I can understand your feelings of being alone and stranded. Don’t give up still reach out to others in your life ask to do things with these people. someone has to ask first.
Sandy I also am alone raising a boy but my situation is a little different because I already raised a 31 and a 27 year old. And now I have my 3 1/2 year old grandson. Rich did most of the raising because i was the one still working full time, his mill closed and he had to take a early retirement. For me I know what do with boys girls scare me. But at 55 i am alone doing it again and i do find myself fearful. I have learned to ask for help….alot.
ruth thank you for reminding me again that each and every one of us are different and we have our own personnel time frame for this grief and healing process.
I love this sight and all of you are helping me more then I can say. I am always talking about one of you to someone here, and I just gave the web site to another person who I know who has lost he husband.thank you
Sandy… Did this ring true to you about your son being a liar? If not, I’d figure this woman as half baked and not worry about those things…If it does make sense as to what you’ve been experiencing with your son, then that’s a different story. But don’t take this woman’s word for it unless you’ve had trouble with him already.
Just my two cents..
Hi everyone! Hope the weekend is starting off good. Sandy you asked when my lowest point was. Made me think. Besides his wake, which was so, so hard. Seeing him there, my sisters and kids had to practically hold me up. I had some real bad days, but each and everyday I got out of bed. I would hear him in my head ” get up, get dress be happy”. And I didn’t want to disappoint him, I still want him to be proud. But I believe the other real lowest point was St. Patricks day. That was the day he asked me to be his wife. We’d celebrate that day as well as our anniversary the next month. So that was 5 months in. I felt I didn’t want to be here any more. I wanted to go home to him. But I would never do anything stupid. I could never hurt our children that way, it would be selfish. I cried, laying in the tub, but I cried where it really scared me. I cried where I didn’t recognize myself. After I yelled at myself to knock it off. I later was laying in bed, feeling like crap, when I got my first text from Rob. ( Will’s old boss). He text for awhile that night, he was on vacation with his girls. Then called, telling me I have a lot to live for. Which I knew but was nice to hear. My one granddaughter pulls out the photo album (she is 3) says she needs to see her papa. I look at those pictures and smile but then cry. Because those fun times are gone. But I’m getting better. I do have some good news. When I first spoke to Natalie she said that there would be another baby in our family at the end of 2011. And at least 2 more later. Well then it was April (our Ann. 11th) I spoke with her. She said are you sure no one is pregnant. I said no. She said Will says yes and it’s a boy. Well our niece called at Easter (we raised her with our kids) she is pregnant and due Dec. 29th! And our younger son Jake just found out his wife is pg too! She is due Jan. 15th. So more grand babies! This person who told you about your son, sounds like a quack. If they weren’t able to tell you things that they really couldn’t have known about you or your husband. I would take it with a grain of salt, not worth it. Because what we were told you couldn’t look up any where, and she gave us Some facts. I hope I was able to help. I still have a long way to go. His clothes etc. Seeing them, I don’t feel quite alone. I lost medical insurance when he passed. I finally got my arse in gear and applied. Got a call yesterday, they kept asking about my weight. They were concerned. I’ve gone from 96 some times 98 down to 90. But I was like that before, really nothing different. Wanted to know why it dropped. Had to tell them about Will, so hopefully they will accept me. Don’t want to have problems and not be covered. Suzanne I hope everything goes well tonight with Jim. Just be on guard, but friendly. Want you to have fun and enjoy yourself. And you can play his game, act like you are doing great with or without him. Because you are strong, I can tell by all the help and advice you give us. Hopefully it’s meant to be, if not you keep looking. Because we all need to be happy again. Hopefully with another love, but I know it will never be the same. And Jim will need to understand that you have a lot of love to give, but he has to accept who is number one in your heart. Doesn’t mean you both can’t be happy. Wish you luck! Prayers to all! Audrey
Hi Jeanine,
That is true about not letting our grieve control us. I remember saying what a terrible feeling it is…that I would not wish it upon others. My spiritual being fought back to overcome it. I believe in my intuitions. I do meditations to listen quietly to the Universe, our own Higher Being and to God.
There is Sister Ana that lives in the facility that I work in. She and I speak at moments. She spent some time in England…doing meditations. We understood.
The aches will always be there. It is our Eternal Love. Thru meditations, we somehow find Peace and Courage to carry on.
I was a bit bothered by the Psychic situation. Yes, there are people with certain abilities out there because they are intuned to their Higher Being. Like everything…there are good ones and bad ones. Just be aware of what you are looking for. Use your judgements and instincts. If you travel in the spiritual community and the spiritual world…clearity of their reputations will come thru.
I went to one that was highly recommended by my close friend. I was suffering so much. She would not see me until I was six months into the grieving…whereas I was only three months. I insisted for an appointment. She saw my spirituality. She saw that my Barry only had one foot into the Light. He was waiting for me. Because of my deep love…I consented on letting my Barry go completely into the Light.
My Barry is quite a character…out of a story book. He found his way out of 35 years of being lost. He became a Reverend and a Reiki Master. He helped many people thru his spirituality.
Yes, my friends out there in the world…I still cry at times because I feel the deep eternal love. Because I am in this physical form…I learn to deal with things. It does take a lot of strength and courage. I am learning on Loving myself.
Hi Karen in Florida. So to us folks here in the State of Florida…we are forming a friendship group…close to home.
Sorry, but I went into a feeling of being “needy” because I have been so isolated the last three years. That comes out of my child hood, also.
It is the feeling of being so alone…without. But, now as an adult…I can do something about it. We just have to figure it out and put together a plan. I like that!!!
It is OK…to go thru the emotions. Heck, with my last three years and five months…I went thru some inner stuff.
Blessings to all,
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hi Terre,
When you get notification of an email from this site…go all the way to the last address. It say to unsubscribe or whatever. Click on it and go all the way down, until you come to the changing of email address.
I can’t believe that I am giving advice on computer stuff. Barry was the one to handle everything. I had to teach myself and make myself remember.
Mary Lotus Butterfly
Hello all you wonderful, brave women. I have been reading this site since 2 years ago when I lost my beloved Louie. We had 27 wonderful years together since it was the third time around for both of us. They say “the third one is a charm”, and he certainly showed me a wonderful life. I guess that’s why it’s so hard without him. You women have gotten me through the last 2 years, reading how others feel; at first I thought I wasn’t “normal”, but after reading on here, I found out that I really was. Sometimes I feel bad because he did leave me in a good financial state, and he always said he would go first because he delivered oil to more little old ladies than old men. I said what about Joan, his last wife, who died of cancer at age 49. He said I just wouldn’t accept it, and I guess I didn’t until he just fell over in the kitchen one morning before I was even out of bed. I tried CPR and nothing worked. The only thing I’m thankful for is that he did not have pain, altho he had a heart attack before, and several back operations that left him unable to do alot of things that he wanted to and he felt guilty that I could do more than he could. He did do all our finances and paperwork, and I sure had to learn alot fast. I still have many bad days because we did everything together–work, travel, everything–and had plans to do alot more, and in an instant, it was all gone. I am so thankful to have found such a great bunch of women who understand what it is to go through loosing their dearest.
God bless you all!
Still trying to change my e-mail. Thanks for the help Mary Lotus Butterfly.
Hot dog….I think it worked. Whew! What a stress point. Thanks again Corinne and Mary Lotus Butterfly. I will respond asap to your phone #. I am trying to help a lady move and have been up to my eyeballs in STUFF. Hope to have it finished very soon now and will be calling you. Thanks for getting back to me. Love and Light to you. Terre
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