WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND HAS DIED - A request for advice
Someone just called me to make an appointment for next Wednesday and I said I wasn’t free because I often have lunch with my best friend, Arlene, on that day.
Of course, if you have read any of my recent articles, you would know that Arlene died a week ago.
After lunch, we usually went grocery shopping or just hung out. Well, not next week or any week afterwards. I am now available on Wednesday.
I have been very busy since she died because I was responsible for planning the brunch “Gathering” of her friends and family. She did not want a formal memorial service. It happened on Saturday at her friend, Ina’s restaurant. So, it is over. I was on the phone constantly getting everything put together and everyone informed of the invitation. 42 people who loved her came.
All but a few were Jewish and I was asked to be the “Rabbi” and lead the simple ceremony and comments that were said by those who wanted to speak about her. Funny, they picked me as I was raised Catholic. But no one seemed to pay any attention to that fact. I even got someone to recite the Kaddish, the Jewish Prayer for the dead, at the end. Wherever she is, Arlene must have gotten a kick out of that. She always said I had a Jewish heart.
This is the first day that it is starting to dawn on me that she is gone. No more Wednesdays. No daily phone calls. No more funny stories to tell each other. No gossip. No “sport shopping” – which we defined as buying something very expensive very, very cheap.
I am wondering how I am going to get used to this. I do have other close friends but this friend was a “regular.” We did so many things together.
When and how do I do this? I guess I should take her name off my email list for starters. And she won’t be here for Christmas dinner this year or celebrate my birthday.
What is confusing me is that I was praying for her to die. She was suffering. I kept asking God what could He thinking that He didn’t take her sooner. All I felt was relief when she finally went.
How does it become real? I don’t feel sad. And I want to get back into my life. But she was a part of it for so many years that I can’t remember what that looked like.
I sure feel empty. I thought I had done all my grieving in advance. I guess I haven’t if I am still saving Wednesday for her.
I thought I’d ask you for advice. I am willing to listen.
When my husband died his friends told me they wanted to put together a benefit golf outing in his name every year. They just had it this past Friday. They all said planning this even helped them to come to terms with his death and kept them from being sad all the time. Was there a a charity or cause that was near and dear to Arlene’s heart where you and some of her friends could raise money in her memory?
Sandis last blog post..Funny Man Part 2
[...] Go to the author’s original blog: WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND HAS DIED - A request for advice [...]
My dear Arlene gave me one of lifes greatest gifts, true friendship, love, caring and much of her wisdom. She is one of threE women, my Mother and Grandmother, in my life that has affected me so profoundly. I am including this poem , written by my Mother, Edith Gottlieb Hollander
I AM SAVING FOR YOU
THE REMEMBERING
WHEN, SHINING, YOU
COVERED ME WITH LIGHT.
I WAS MOONLIKE, REMOTE,
TPP PALE FOR DAY,
DOOMED TO NIGHT,
WARMING NOTHING,
TURNING NOT ONE
BLADE OF GRASS, BLACK
IN BLACK REVOLVING.
WATER LAUGHED AT ME
WITH SILVER RIPPLES.
IN MY EYES’ GREETING
YOU SHALL SEE THIS;
WONDERING THAT THEY
ARE SO BRIGHT.
Dear Sandi -
As usual, you come up with the most constructive ideas. I am going to think about this carefully.
Maybe a lunch on a Wednesday followed by a “Shop ’til you drop” benefit.
Arlene’s son was a resident of Lambs Farm for the mentally challenged. He died about ten years ago.
She would love to have a benefit for them.
Thanks for your continued and faithful support!
Love,
Corinne
Dear Sandra -
We included one of your mother’s beautiful poems in the booklet we assembled for the “Gathering.”
And here is another one that is equally inspiring.
You were such a help and support to Arlene. You will be forever known, not only as a dear friend, but as the “Chicken Soup Queen!”
You nourished, not only her spirit, but her body. It was all she could eat for weeks.
I will always be grateful to you as I know she was.
Maybe you should set aside Wednesday afternoons just to cry, at least for a while.
I loved getting to know Arlene through your blog. She’s the kind of person I want to be. Thank you for introducing her to us.
melanie gaos last blog post..China Cried Out
Corinne - I know your pain. I lost my best friend Scott - suddenly - ten years ago. No warning no nothing - just his wife on the phone telling me that she “needed me to sit down” - and then those words ….that bring immediate tears to my eyes … “Scott’s dead” …… and then I learned … for 5 months, I learned what Bobby Kennedy said in an impromptu campaign speech he to gave the largely black crowd in Indianapolis on April 4, 1968 … they did not know and he had to tell them …. “Martin’s dead” … and in that blessed talk he quoted Aeschulus …”And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God” ….
This got him through his long “dark night” after Hoover told him “Jack’s dead” and it will get you through too. There is no other way. Time and then you too will be ready for your next campaign. Knowing you - it will be a big blow-out one…with Arlene helping you all the way. You know this.
By the way, the only major city that did not erupt in violence that night was Indianapolis.
I am finding the inevitable, just that. I knew she is going, now she is gone. I’ve learned over the years, that losses of this type take, five years to heal! There is a hole, that one can’not fill,easily, so why try? She is already haunting me, when I passed by her building the other day, the familiar stab in my stomach. Interestingly, when I saw her last time, she was her usual self, I kissed her on her forehead, she kissed my hand, her way of thanking me for our friendship.That was the same, Stevie was dying, and I brought her soup,to the hospital, she also kissed my hand. She was always grateful for a simple gesture, of affection.
Corinne, I cry with you. I have lost 2 of my best friends. One was murdered the day after Christmas in 1992 and the other one died just after midnight on the morning of December 1, 2005 of a heart attack. Both were without prior warning that they were leaving. I believe a prolonged illness is easier to prepare for and you still have to grieve afterwards. It sounds like you are like me in that you stay busy as long as you can and put off the feelings. It is now time to do the feeling. I know how hard that is especially for organizers.
Feelings won’t be organized. They happen at the most inopportune times. My friend’s daughter fell apart sobbing a month after her mother’s funeral when she got stopped for speeding by a state trooper. He took pity on her and didn’t give her a ticket. Feelings happen when they happen. Sometimes, I watch a movie that I know will help me cry.
Just a few days ago, I was remembering going to the memorial service for my friend who was murdered. Another friend and I went with the family to Minneapolis for her funeral. At the funeral, the friend and I started talking and remembering funny things that our friend would say. We didn’t want to embarrass ourselves by laughing out loud so we very quickly almost ran to the nearest bathroom and both burst out with giggles as soon as the door was closed behind us. Our friend Kathy would have loved the laughter but we weren’t so sure that her mourning family would have understood. It is good to remember the laughter.
It does take between 3-5 years to get through the worst of the grieving. My mom had been dead about a year the last time that I thought about calling her to share my day with her. Be patient and do the grieving on your schedule not just because others say you should be over it. You will be over it when you are over it and not one minute sooner. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworkers last blog post..Mirroring—Good And Bad In Each Of Us
Dear Melanie -
I wish I was one of the lucky ones who can cry. I have always found it so hard to do. Except maybe in the movies but not about real things.
My crying usually takes the form of my back going out! Not good.
But I appreciate your reading my article and your useful comment. I will try harder.
My dearest Patricia -
You are such a great support to me - always.
Thank you for your lovely and thoughtful message. This is what was most touching to me.
“It does take between 3-5 years to get through the worst of the grieving. My mom had been dead about a year the last time that I thought about calling her to share my day with her. Be patient and do the grieving on your schedule not just because others say you should be over it. You will be over it when you are over it and not one minute sooner.”
Funny thing about it is you are telling me what I have alwys told others. How come we don’t follow our own advice?
Love,
Corinne
Dear Grace -
This is such a beautiful quote.
”And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God” ….
Thanking you for telling your story. I have found that it is so important to share with others.
Dear Mari -
As one of Arlene’s closest and longest friends, your comment means a lot to me. We have shared this together for the past year.
I guess, in the end, you just learn to absorb the loss and just live with it.
I hopw that will be soon for both of us.
Well Corinne, I know I’ll never be a good substitute for her but whenever I’m in Chicago on a speaking engagement or when Oprah calls me to be on her show, I’ll make sure we have our glorious lunch together. How’s that?
Stephen Hopsons last blog post..End of the Week Gratitude Theme #29
Dear Stephen -
You got a date!
And you know what? All my new friends - like special ones like you - do make a difference.
It helps me a lot.
Dear Corinne,
My heartfelt sympathy to you on the passing of Arlene.
I had made a post about a year ago, and I am sharing
a part of that here.
Also…. the link I used for my web site will
take you to where this is posted and one more thing
above it. Please check out both.
Holding you and all who know Arlene close in prayer.
xo xo
Deb
May 24, 2007
~Live~ And Let Their Light Shine
Over time the life moments that we build with that person become committed to both of our memories. If we are apart from them for a time, when we see them again, we can go back and visit the past.
Through our shared conversations we recall our lives together.
Thoughts of summer days, past holidays, vacation travel,
or even mundane everyday activities are exchanged. That person has their memories and you share the same memory,
even though your memory of the time spent together
might differ slightly.
When families or friends gather together, not only do we share
what is going on now, we share future plans and happily re-visit past times.
In the death of someone you love there is no more hearing
them speak. Gone is the ability to reminisce and travel in thought together. A part of you dies. It’s like a piece of your heart has been chipped off and actually withers away.
For a time, a part of you just wants to be done with this living and join them. Your passed over loved one or friend is in spirit standing
behind you ready to kick your ass and say LIVE !!!
IF you could hear them speak these would be their words to you …..
“Not only do you hold MY memories,
you also hold ~ MY SPIRIT ~ in your heart.
Get out in this world
and honor me and LIVE in my name.”
Today, May 24, 2007
I am not just sitting here at my computer
trying to conjure up some sappy, blog post.
I am explaining my life to you. !
My very dear friend Cindy died in July of 2001.
Although I had faced the death of loved ones prior to Cindy’s passing, it was Cindy’s death that prompted me to live my life with HER in my heart and to LIVE my life in her name.
In this way, the love never really dies, it’s only changed and
in a different form.
Deb Esteps last blog post..A Message Today ~ From Nature
Hello Corinne,
Dropping by again to share this song with you…
The Other Side
I have been sharing this song to the families
of our Fallen Heroes.
I don’t think I have ever heard a more touching song.
Don Conoscenti, the author has given me his permission
to share the lyrics and also to have the song play
in the background of this web site:http://musictoshare.blogspot.com/
As a military Mom we say it needs a ~Kleenex Warning~ !!
The Other Side
I’m over on the other side
where life and death softly divide.
Left my skin and bones behind
now I’m over on the other side.
Can you feel me there with you?
My breath is gone but I’m not through.
Loved you then and i still do
from over on the other side.
I can fly. really fly.
below the earth … all through the sky.
Tell em all I did not die.
I’m just over on the other side.
It’s good here on the other side.
The sweetest songs…the bluest skies.
Thank you for the tears you cried
but it’s good here on the other side.
I can fly. really fly. below the earth…all through the sky.
Tell em all I did not die.
I’m just over on the other side
The world is smaller than a needle’s eye.
Where life and death softly divide.
When you leave your skin and bones behind
I’ll be waiting on the other side.
I can fly. really fly. below the earth … all through the sky.
Go tell em all I did not die.
I’m just over on the other side.
PS……
**
**
You can hear the song if you click on my
name… it will take you to the link.
Dear Deb -
That is a beautiful song. AND I BELIEVE EVERY WORD!
Thank you for your interest in this article! You have been so helpful!
Dear Corinne,
You have been in my thoughts so much lately, along with the ever present Arlene. Are you sleeping? Have you tried benedryl?
This loss of someone who’s been an important part of your life for so long is indescribably numbing and painful. For me, she has become part of my inner life. Everything she ever said to me comes back, in her voice.
I hoped to see the tutorial and the wonderful picture. Is it still accessible?
Perhaps you can squeeze me in for a wednesday lunch, or any other day.
Love, Karen
Hi Karen -
Thanks for your lovely concern.
Yes, that post is still available. You can find it here -
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/making-new-best-friends-a-tutorial-from-arlene/