You have done a lot of work in forgiveness. You are almost done.
But, there is that one person left. The one who has hurt you the most. No matter what you do, you can’t forgive the harm.
We all have that one. We are not saints. And yet, we know our lack of forgiveness is hurting us. Not the person. They may already be long gone from your life or even dead.
There are two steps before forgiveness that are the only way I have found to give relief.
No, it is not letting them off the hook.
The first is Understanding.
Hard as it is to accept, most offenders are trying to make themselves feel better.
I heard someone say that even Jeffrey Dahmer killed all those boys (and ate them) because at some deep sick level, he thought it would make him feel better. Obviously, it didn’t because he kept it up until he was finally caught.
His pitiful apology to the parents at his trial told the world how sorry he was. It was too late but it indicated that his compulsion was out of his control.
The person who injured you so badly was not out to hurt you then. There was some terrible pain within him that he was trying to get rid of and you happened to be there. You were the target.
So, all the shame and resentment you have suffered all those years has nothing to do with you. It had to do with someone else’s pain.
Perhaps he was mentally ill. Or, a drunk. Or desperate because he was unemployed. You know the person. What was his situation at that time? He was certainly not in his right mind. Perhaps, not for a long time. Maybe a lifetime.
If you were passing a mental hospital and a patient was screaming obscenities at you out of a window, would you take it personally? It might upset you, but does it have any basis in reality?
The injury you suffered had nothing to do with your reality. And yet, secretly, those of us who have not been able to forgive continually ask the question, “What did I do wrong to provoke this? I must have been bad”
This is particularly true of women who have been sexually abused. Especially, if the abuse came from a family member. We ask ourselves, over and over through the years, “If someone that important did this to me, I must have provoked it, in some way deserved it.”
You didn’t. In most cases, you were too young to even understand what was going on. You were innocent. It was not your fault.
Sometimes, the offense was someone you trusted cheating you. Why would they do that? Try to understand it. Were they so lacking in money or self esteem? Were they just greedy? Again, you know them. Why would they do it? Look at them as though you were not involved. Step away. Pretend it happened to someone else. Why did they do it? Be an outside psychologist.
In all cases, it comes down to the basic answer. Whoever hurt you did it to make themselves feel better in some way. They probably did the same to others you don’t know. But, that is not your problem.
This introspection leads to the second point which is Awareness.
If you are truly aware of the motivation of the person who hurt you, you put a different spin on it for yourself. It separates you from the action.
It does not excuse them. What they did was wrong. They have to live with it, not you.
You are no longer entwined in what happened. They stand alone – individuals by themselves. With their own problem and motivation.
You had nothing to do with it. That person is a stranger who happened into your life. Not much different than someone you read about in the paper. A drive by shooting. Very sad but no one you know.
You now don’t have to forgive someone you hardly know and barely remember.
It is time to let it go and move on. Your work is done. Healing has begun.
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Beautiful!!!!!! Corinne, i love it.
forgiveness is the absolute most important thing. The reason why all my focus and dedication was aimed at total forgiveness is because of a line in ACIM that says “forgiveness does make lovely, but it does not create”. My mind practically sprang a chord when i read that sentence. I am getting chills now as i write it. Total forgiveness, to me, is where the journey begins. This is where it gets fun because you’re in Heaven. It’s where creation begins. So many people think forgiveness is the final goal, but actually it’s just the END of the human experience and the beginning of the God experience. For me, I totally agree with your post. I had that one person, and i couldn’t let go – until one fine day when I really saw that above all else, I want the peace of God. From there, forgiveness was the easiest thing in the world then, and now me and this person are best friends!
You’re right – we must be soul mates!
love, lisa
<p><p><p><p><p>Exceptional advice. All my life I heard, “You must forgive” but NO ONE every explained just HOW .. I think they just didn’t know themselves. </p><br /><br /><br /><br />
<p>Used to bug the hell out of me …Think about it– did anyone every give you the tools on just HOW to forgive. If they did, please share that info with the planet because outside of this brilliant information,nothing gets the job fully finished. Yeah, you can burn a candle and say “I forgive you” a million times but it doesn’t really work.</p><br /><br /><br /><br />
<p>What do you do and how do you do it. Just HOW can you forgive?????. I know that without these tools, forgiveness can not be fully and totally accomplished. I’m sure of this because I tried so hard and for so long . It/they still hung on — The dictionary says forgiveness is “to grant pardon for an offense” Well, my friends. I used every little trick in the book and nothing ever completely worked until I did began to become aware and then the awareness became understanding.</p><br /><br /><br /><br />
<p>First the light and then the dawn. For instance, you have a problem with your mother, she may even be dead for 20 years but “it” – the old pull to bad memory is still there. Imagine her as a 6 month old baby and image her mother and father, and her grandmother and grandfather and the village that they came from. Imagine their religious environment and its oftentime limiting constraints and that neighborhood and those relatives… maybe the poverty or abuse. Could she, based on her “stuff” do any better than she did at the time? Work (ahh, the real 4 letter word!!!) at becoming aware of her life — Aware of her plight. Step out you your Narissism and “see”. And remember, a person cannot give what they do not have. The comes the understanding and the final letting go.</p><br /><br /><br /><br />
<p>Those souls reading this blog are so much more enlightened than people were even just 10 years ago. We have the blessing of knowledge that was just slightly coming in the 60’s … well, kids, it’s here now and full-blown and ready for anyone who wants to self-heal. I always say that today – “If you don’t get better – it’s because you don’t want to get better this lifetime”…. I wish I knew then what I know now — enough of that !!!! I am blessed to have this simple information at my fingertips now and guess what!!!! I’m using it– I am pardoning myself for my own offense of not taking better care of myself. I do so want to be aware and understand so that I can truly forgive and let go and not be pulled back into those haunting memories. I’m telling you it works if you have the self-love to go there!!! You can even use this on yourself. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself.</p><br /><br /><br /><br />
<p>Oh, just do it — you know you’re going to do it sometime anyway – make it THIS lifetime. And Corinne, I would love to see more blogs on this subject – the world is such a better place because you are sharing your lifetime experiences with us all. “Stay the course” as Thomas More once told me to do!!</p></p></p></p></p>
It took me until my thirties to truly understand how healthy and liberating forgiveness is. I think your point about “your not letting someone off the hook” is a good one because that’s the fear most people have.
They think if they forgive, they are somehow saying it was okay to have committed the action. Once a person is able to separate forgiveness from approval they are on their way to healing themselves!
I also loved your point about how you wouldn’t take it personally if a person from a mental institution screamed at you. I read that and thought, “of COURSE not!” It seems so clear when you put it in those terms. Great post!
This is a great article, especially since we all have at least one or two people in our lives that we just simply cannot forgive no matter what we try.
Dear Franciso -
Thanks for stopping by!
Yes, forgiveness is tough. Sometimes it takes a lifetime.
You have a great wedding site if anyone here is getting married or has a big event!
Thanks Corinne…
Understanding and awareness are definitely the key point of forgiveness.
It takes time to forgive someone, sometimes a lifetime.
We all carry our burdens, but the sooner you realize that we are all human beings the sooner you learn the essence of forgiveness.
Great article.
this helped. so much.
Thankyou for your advice, my problem was I never could forgive my husband for telling me when I fell pregnant with our children how much he did not want me to have either one of them. I used to feel so low whenever a friend told me how ecstatic their husbands were. I could never understand why I had been so unlucky in having a husband who did not want children by me. i was filled with a sense of self loathing. Thank you for liberating me and helping me see that it actually wasn’t to do with me at all. I was tortured until I read this.
Penny, I can really relate to this.
In a slightly different way.
My first husband (long gone now) would not take me anywhere to be seen with me when I was pregnant. He said I looked too ugly.
He made me feel so ashamed.
But then after we divorced, he seldom came to see them.
Shows you what kind of a person he was.
You are the one who had the gift of those beautiful children. Never forget that.