WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE – from Are We Spiritual Yet – on Amazon

by Corinne

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Spiritual Yet 150x150 WHEN YOU CANT FORGIVE   from Are We Spiritual Yet   on Amazon CHAPTER EIGHT – WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE

You may have done a lot of work in forgiveness. You are almost done.

But, there is that one person left. The one who has hurt you the most.

No matter what you do, you can’t forgive the harm.

We all have that one. We are not saints. And yet, we know our lack of forgiveness is hurting us. Not the person.

They may already be long gone from your life or even dead.

There are two steps before forgiveness that are the only way I have found to give relief.

No, it is not letting them off the hook.

The first is UNDERSTANDING.

Hard as it is to accept, most offenders are trying to make themselves feel better.

WHAT?

I heard someone say that even Jeffrey Dahmer killed all those boys (and ate them) because at some deep sick level, he thought it would make him feel better.

Obviously, it didn’t because he kept it up until he was finally caught.

His pitiful apology to the parents at his trial told the world how sorry he was. It was too late but it indicated that his compulsion was out of his control.

The person who injured you so badly was not out to hurt you then.

There may have been some terrible pain within them that they were trying to get rid of and you happened to be there.

You were the target.

So, all the shame and resentment you have suffered all those years has nothing to do with you.

It had to do with someone else’s pain.

Perhaps that person was mentally ill.

Or, a drunk.

Or desperate because he was unemployed.

You know the person. What was the situation at that time?

He was certainly not in his right mind.

Perhaps, not for a long time. Maybe a lifetime.

If you were passing a mental hospital and a patient was screaming obscenities at you out of a window, would you take it personally? It might upset you, but does it have any basis in reality?

I am also not forgetting that there are some people who are evil – born mean.

That is no reflection on you.

The injury you suffered had nothing to do with your reality. And yet, secretly, those of us who have not been able to forgive continually ask the question,

“What did I do wrong to provoke this? I must have been bad.”

This is particularly true of women who have been sexually abused. Especially, if the abuse came from a family member.

We ask ourselves, over and over through the years, “If someone that important did this to me, I must have provoked it, in some way deserved it.”

You didn’t. In most cases, you were too young to even understand what was going on. You were innocent. It was not your fault.

Sometimes, the offense was someone you trusted cheating you. Why would they do that? Try to understand it. Were they so lacking in money or self esteem? Were they just greedy?

Again, you know them. Why would they do it? Look at them as though you were not involved. Step away. Pretend it happened to someone else.

Why did they do it? Be an outside psychologist.

In all cases, it comes down to the basic answer. Whoever hurt you did it to make themselves feel better in some way. They probably did the same to others you don’t know. But, that is not your problem.

This introspection leads to the second point which is AWARENESS.

If you are truly aware of the motivation of the person who hurt you, you put a different spin on it for yourself. It separates you from the action.

It does not excuse them. What they did was wrong. They have to live with it, not you.

You are no longer entwined in what happened. They stand alone – individuals by themselves. With their own problem and motivation.

You had nothing to do with it.

That person is a stranger who happened into your life. Not much different than someone you read about in the paper.

A drive by shooting. Very sad but no one you know.

You happened to be in their way.

You now don’t have to forgive someone you hardly know and barely remember.

It is time to let it go and move on. If you can’t forgive – so be it. Forgive yourself for not forgiving.

Your work is done when you stop giving that person and their cruelty free rent and energy in your head.

ONE WAY:

DO NOT EVEN SPEAK THEIR NAME.

ARE YOU READY TO FORGIVE YOURSELF?

This is an excerpt from Are We Spiritual Yet?

Click here now and buy in paperback or Kindle

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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }

mary51
Twitter:
January 27, 2013 at 12:57 pm

Hi every body!!!! I do not know what is happening I can not get into the comments section!!!!!! ???????? I do not know if this is the right section…….

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Linda January 28, 2013 at 8:29 am

Mary51 – neither can I. Going to try again.

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Corinne Edwards
Twitter:
January 27, 2013 at 1:31 pm

Dear Mary 51 -

Try

http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide-comments/

I think you got on the wrong blog post.

Maybe you should read it. Nothing is accidental.
Corinne Edwards recently posted..WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE – from Are We Spiritual Yet – on Amazon My Profile

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Debbie
Twitter:
January 28, 2013 at 11:47 am

Hi Corinne,

Love this and it is very true, ‘all cases, it comes down to the basic answer. Whoever hurt you did it to make themselves feel better in some way. They probably did the same to others you don’t know. But, that is not your problem.’

And is too, ‘If you can’t forgive – so be it. Forgive yourself for not forgiving.’
When we can’t let go of the hurt and forgive others, we are just hurting ourselves more and more.

You are right, people usually hurt others because they are hurting about something else. i have found that I feel sad for them that they hurt so they strike out at someone else.

Great post and your books are the greatest Corinne.
Debbie
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Corinne Edwards
Twitter:
January 29, 2013 at 6:53 pm

Dear Debbie -

There is far too much emphasis on forgiveness in my estimation.

We are just humans – not GOD.

All it does is make us feel unworthy. When, damnit, we have done nothing to cause the harm!
Corinne Edwards recently posted..WHEN YOU CAN’T FORGIVE – from Are We Spiritual Yet – on Amazon My Profile

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vivienne westwood sale July 4, 2013 at 7:22 pm

Very helpful and informative post. A very good reason to wipe them out of our minds and heart.I hate to say this but there is such a thing as evil in the world.We are not saints. And we have to treasure our own lives.thanks

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Andrew from Blogging Guide
Twitter:
January 29, 2013 at 5:27 am

Corinne

I love this: “Forgive yourself for not forgiving.”

For some very hard to do.

Andrew
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Corinne Edwards
Twitter:
January 29, 2013 at 6:50 pm

Dear Andrew -

One thing that has worked for me is when the person comes into my mind

I put a big X over his or her face.

A big black X.

Distruction sometimes helps.
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Sherri
Twitter:
January 29, 2013 at 1:19 pm

Corinne,
I agree with Andrew that that’s the best idea, forgive yourself for not forgiving. Then move on.

As I’ve gotten older, and I hope wiser, understanding why others do what they do is much easier.

But when there is no possibility of understanding, like being the victim of evil acts, we have to accept it wasn’t about us at all, it was about them.
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Corinne Edwards
Twitter:
January 29, 2013 at 6:55 pm

As usual, Sherri -

you hit the core.

“But when there is no possibility of understanding, like being the victim of evil acts, we have to accept it wasn’t about us at all, it was about them.”

There is evil out there. No matter what the great gurus tell us.
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Corinne Edwards
Twitter:
January 29, 2013 at 6:47 pm

Dear Purnima -

Of course, forgiveness is the best option.

But some of us have tried for years and are still tormented.

If coure it would make you feel lighter.

Will you share how you have done this?

We need to learn from each other.
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Fatima February 1, 2013 at 10:29 am

Forgiveness isn’t an easy thing for me to do but when I want others to forgive me quickly I realize I should forgive people too. Nice share.
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Radu February 4, 2013 at 2:02 pm

It matters also why you are upset with the other people. Not always is recommended to forget someone to easy.

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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 1:43 pm

Dear Fatima -

One of the hardest two words in the language is -
“I’m sorry.”
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Aayna from photoshop elements 11 tutorials February 3, 2013 at 1:57 am

An overwhelming share!!! Forgiving and forgetting is not a lucid task for many. It is indeed cumbersome to forget what harm and pain the other person has inflicted upon you. But holding grudges is equally painful, by letting go, you can load off the burden of pain and grudges off the shoulders of your inner soul. Take time and forgive is the essence of life. Thanks for the share.

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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 1:46 pm

Dear Aayna -

One thing that helps is to let time pass.

It can heal.

In the meantime, do something kind for someone else.
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Stewart J. Fernandez February 6, 2013 at 12:00 am

Your heart and mental health may depend on your ability to reduce hurt and anger, even at yourself. So effective is forgiveness — if we could find a way to learn and teach it — that Stanford University is undertaking a project to learn how forgiveness can enhance health and relationships and even prevent disease.
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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 1:49 pm

Dear Stewart -

That is good news.

I agree that forgiveness can heal your health.

It doesn’t mean you have to invite the perpertrator for dinner though
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bonooobong February 6, 2013 at 10:03 am

Sometimes there are situation when it seems impossible to forgive because of the guilt. Some wounds heals easily, the deeper ones won’t heel. Though the wound be healed, yet a scar remains. It is really hard, I know it, I have got some experiences…the most important thing is to decide if the one who you forgive deserves it or not. (do you love him/her so much or not)
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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 1:52 pm

Dear Bonooobong -

Don’t forget that you also deserve forgiveness for not being able to forgive.

You also deserve it.

Please take time to forgive your humanness. Love yourself.
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Marnie Byod February 6, 2013 at 9:00 pm

For me, forgiveness is very essential. Indeed, it can make someone feel better. There’s a great difference when you forgive someone after he or she had done something wrong;
your life is worry-less and your heart feels very light.
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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 1:55 pm

Dear Marnie -

I think everyone agrees with you.

In the meantime, give yourself a break.

Maybe you need some time to pass before you get to the place where you are “worry less and your heart feels light.”

What a great place to get to. I wish it for everyone – including me.
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Beat Schindler
Twitter:
February 6, 2013 at 11:33 pm

Great share! Forgiveness is absolutely key to getting unstuck in life. I find the most effective way to forgive is not to blame – a shortcut if ever there was one :-] … My favorite: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.” – Anne Lamott
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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 1:58 pm

Dear Beat -

I love Anne Lamott.

You are right. You cannot change the past.

It is not a DVD you can put on rewind.

But we do it all time. And remain stuck in the memories.

They are gone forever.
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Joy from cable ties February 7, 2013 at 7:19 am

Forgiveness can take a lot out of a person, I myself am someone who can’t be too forgiving but at the end of the day we have no choice unless we want to be eaten up by the grudges that we hold. Forgiveness sets us free.

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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 2:04 pm

Dear Joy -

That’s what all the great spiritual teachers tell us.

It is easier said than done.

Many of us have been brought up in faiths that tell us we have to forgive and keep the person in our life.

We don’t. That person could continue to hurt us.

We have permission to never see them, speak to them or mention their names ever again.

Especially never mention their name.

Never try to forgive until you are ready. And if you are never ready – you tried.
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Debbie
Twitter:
February 7, 2013 at 8:01 am

Hi Corinne,

Love this, ‘Your work is done when you stop giving that person and their cruelty free rent and energy in your head.’

When we don’t forgive we are giving them the control. I have learned to feel sad for them. Many of the people that hurt others, just plan have to clue! And many have low self-esteem.
Thanks for sharing another part of your great books.
Debbie XXX
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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 2:06 pm

Dear Debbie -

The only reason to feel sad for them is that they have lost you.

I believe what goes around comes around.

I just turn them over to the Universe.
Corinne recently posted..IS ANYONE LISTENING TO YOU? – from Are We Spiritual Yet – on AmazonMy Profile

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AnneV February 7, 2013 at 10:36 am

Thanks Corinne,

for the reminder of one of the most difficult tasks we can have. You are completely correct in that forgiveness can only be achieved with understanding and acceptance. Two very hard things to do when we have been hurt.
I often opt for avoidance from thinking about the situation until I can open myself up to attempt at an understanding without getting angry. It can take years!

Anne

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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 2:12 pm

Dear Anne -

It can take years and it could never come.

I have found that there are some people you have to permanently avoid. Their energy is contaminating. You know who they are.

When the thought of them come to your mind, your heart will tell you when you should just mark them off. My signal is I get a real heaviness feeling in my chest.

That’s when I know it is time to give it and them up.

Maybe some other lifetime. Not this one.
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Kristine from wholesale rugs online February 10, 2013 at 1:59 am

I think forgiveness can’t just be be given to anyone at the end of the day it works the same way like trust, it is earned.

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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 2:21 pm

Dear Kristine -

I don’t know how people EARN forgiveness.

There has to be a real change in them.

Unfortunately, very few people change.

Sad to say.
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Veronica from landlord software February 10, 2013 at 10:08 pm

Forgivness is something depending on a case-to-case basis. If we have been wronged to the extent that we don’t see ourselves forgiving that person who has hurt us, then it must be for a good reason. People don’t change… if they hurt you once. They’re bound to do it again.

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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 2:27 pm

Dear Veronica -

True words.

You have to be careful because those people are likely to hurt you again.

A very good reason to wipe them out of our minds and heart.

I hate to say this but there is such a thing as evil in the world.

We are not saints. And we have to treasure our own lives.

It took me years to realize I could just eliminate certain people for life.

Lightening did not strike me down. I am still here and they are gone.
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Kelly from ubud villa February 10, 2013 at 11:28 pm

I guess for the most part we’re unable to forgive because we’re not sure if we can accept the person’s fault in hurting us badly, at the end of the day it equates to moving on.

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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 2:30 pm

Dear Kelly -

I agree.

If you can’t accept it, take care of yourself and

MOVE ON.
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Emilia February 11, 2013 at 4:56 am

For someone like me who can easily forgive I find that forgetting how you’ve been wronged is the painful part. At the end of the day it haunts you. But I guess that’s not really ‘forgiving’ since you can’t seem to let go of it.

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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 2:33 pm

Dear Emilia -

If you can’t forget it, just let it go.

That is just, as you said, a haunting.

So many wonderful people in the world. Go out and pick up some lovely, kind people.

They are waiting to meet you.
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Sandra from Landscape architects sydney February 11, 2013 at 6:15 am

This is quite an inspiring post you have here. I’m definitely going to keep this in mind and in heart whenever I do anything. Thank you for the lovely share.
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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 2:36 pm

You are welcome, Sandra -

Come back and visit often.

As a “lady of a certain age,” I have gone through many things in life. Some wonderful. Some I cannot forgive no matter how I have tried.

I cannot waste any more time trying.
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Corinne
Twitter:
February 11, 2013 at 2:38 pm

Dear Stacey from Sydney -

You are welcome.

I loved Sydney when I visited there.

The people were so lovely and I could not find one person who needed forgiveness for anything!
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Calra from Executive Search Firms Australia February 11, 2013 at 10:58 pm

Forgivness is more than just accepting an apology it’s actually being able to let go of what happened, move on and never bring it up again. We often forgive those who have hurt us, if they matter to us the most but turn this into a habit then we’ve got a problem.

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Corinne Edwards
Twitter:
February 12, 2013 at 9:07 am

Dear Calra -

This is a brilliant statement -especially with grievances that are minor -

“NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN!”
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pigeon removal las vegas February 12, 2013 at 12:32 am

Very helpful and informative post. I appreciate your thoughtful writes and step by step guide lines. Thanks you
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Raymond Chua
Twitter:
February 18, 2013 at 11:04 pm

Thanks for this great chapter. The part about understanding really gives me a new perspective.
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