Comment:
Ten years down the line and I still don’t feel like this. Mostly I don’t think about the past, I have moved on and I don’t seek revenge; but if my former partner were to come before me in a firing squad - I would pull the trigger.

This was a shockingly, brutally honest comment on my blog this week.  It was posted after a poem I wrote about forgiveness.

Is it possible that some crimes against us are impossible to forgive?

Patricia, at her blog, Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker discusses the incest which was inflicted upon her by her father and her journey to recover and heal her life.  Her articles shine a bright light on a topic which is mostly unspoken.  She performs a public service to the world and to the many women who have suffered.  And yet, I have read that one out of six women have had this experience.  Maybe more.  There is too much shame involved to admit it.

Is it possible to forgive such a reprehensible victimization?

A more common complaint came from a beautiful, brilliant friend who had found the “man of her dreams.”  After seven years of what she thought was true love, he left and married his cleaning woman.

She told me, “I could understand if she was a beautiful 22 year old blond.  But she is middle-aged, fat and unattractive.” She is going back and forth between rage at him and trying to forgive herself for being “stupid” and not seeing the signs along the way.  Throw in a little “what did I do wrong?” into the mix.  She is not making a lot of progress.

And yet, all the spiritual gurus tell us that we must forgive.  Not for the other person – for ourselves.  To find peace.

There are two steps before forgiveness that is the only way I have heard may give us some relief.

No, it is not letting them off the hook.

The first is Understanding.

Hard as it is to accept, we hear, most offenders are trying to make themselves feel better. I heard someone say that even Jeffrey Dahmer killed all those boys (and ate them) because at some deep sick level, he thought it would make him feel better.

The person who injured you so badly was not out to hurt you then.  There was some terrible pain within them that they were trying to get rid of and you happened to be there.  You were the target. So, all the shame and resentment you have suffered has nothing to do with you.  It has to do with someone else’s pain. Perhaps they were mentally ill.  Or, a drunk.  Or desperate because they were unemployed.

You know the person.  What was his situation at that time?  He was certainly not in his right mind.  Perhaps, not for a long time.  Maybe a lifetime.  The injury you suffered had nothing to do with your reality.

And yet, secretly, those of us who have not been able to forgive continually ask the question, “What did I do wrong to provoke this?  I must have been bad”

This is particularly true of women who have been sexually abused.  Especially, if the abuse came from a family member.  We ask ourselves, over and over through the years, “If someone that important did this to me, I must have provoked it, in some way deserved it.”  You were too young to even understand what was going on.  You were innocent.  It was not your fault.

Sometimes, the offense was someone you trusted who cheated you.  Why would they do that?  Can we try to understand it?  Were they so lacking in money or self esteem?  Were they just greedy?  Again, you know them.  Why would they do it? Look at them as though you were not involved.  Step away.  Pretend it happened to someone else.  Why did they do it?  Be an outside psychologist. 

In all cases, it may come down to the basic answer.  Whoever hurt you did it to make themselves feel better in some way.  They probably did the same to others you don’t know. But, that is not your problem.

This introspection leads to the second point which is Awareness.

If you are willing to become aware of the motivation of the person who hurt you, you put a different spin on it for yourself.  It separates you from the action. It does not excuse them.  What they did was wrong.  They have to live with it, not you.

Possibly then, you are not entwined in what happened.  They stand alone - individuals by themselves.  With their own problem and motivation. You had nothing to do with it.

That person is a stranger who happened into your life.  Not much different than someone you read about in the paper.  A drive by shooting.  Very sad but no one you know.

You now don’t have to forgive someone you hardly know and barely remember.

But, God help us.  How do we get to this point?  When do we stop fantasizing about the “firing squad?”

We are mere mortals.  How do we live in the meantime? 

Patricia’s extraordinary blog can be found at http://www.patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/

The poem about forgiveness can be found at

http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/endlesslove-a-poem-of-forgiveness/