You may find that this program, or parts of it, applies to you. Whatever you can use, take it and make it your own. Your situation may not be as extreme.  It is uniquely yours - your life, your pain and your script. But the students at “UNHOOKED AND FREE” reflect all of us who are seeking serenity.  We’re all hooked on something.  We prostitute ourselves in our lives over and over.  Maybe what we do is not subject to arrest.  But we do live in prisons we make for ourselves.

STEP ONE:
LOVE YOURSELF RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE

That’s right.  Right now.  With all your faults, your guilt, your flaws, your pain.  You have heard a lot about forgiveness, but you have forgiven almost everyone except you.  Not a person in the world is as hard on you as you are.

Let’s put it in a different light.  If you had a friend who had gone through what you have, wouldn’t you have compassion?  You have trod a tough, rough road.  You’ve had so many disappointments, so many hardships in your life to face and try to overcome.

Decide today to be your friend. If you have an illness or a physical disability, love yourself with it. Love your faults. It is a part of you to be embraced, not despised.  Reach out to yourself and excuse all the shameful things you’ve ever done.  And if you fall again tomorrow, give yourself a break.  Love yourself for falling. That little kid in you deserves love.  All your life you have searched for someone who will love you unconditionally, without any judgment.  And, do you know what?  That person may not exist.  You may have to give up the idea they can be found.  You have to give love to yourself to get the love you need.

People who make mistakes are heroes.  Anyone can stand back and timidly let the world go by.  You showed up for the experience.  You took risks.  Put yourself on the line. You’ve loved a lot.

Sure you have done things of which you are ashamed.  Maybe you are still doing them.  Perhaps today you are still drinking, overeating, taking drugs, locked in an obsessive relationship, cheating someone or something of your best, compromising yourself by being in a dead- end job or a marriage.  Aren’t things bad enough without your hating yourself too?

You have been adding to your challenge by beating yourself up.  Adding another problem to the one you already have. You are a beautiful child of God and children need love and encouragement, not beatings.  Child abuse never did anyone any good.

Loving yourself means taking care of you.  Small things.  Buy yourself a little gift.  Give yourself a facial.  Force yourself to exercise.  Get a haircut.  Change your hair color.  Take a walk by the lake.  Buy a little bouquet of flowers for your kitchen.  Don’t deprive yourself of basic needs. Splurge on new underwear. Get some vitamins and take them.  Pamper you. You have gotten very sick because of neglect. Because you’ve had no love.  You have to change your treatment of yourself to kindness.  Be nice to you.  Cherish this sweet person that you are.

Today is the day to start to love you. To cradle yourself in your arms and remind yourself of all the nice things you have done for people in the past - what a beautiful and giving person you are inside.  You are worthwhile. You’re not too old, too fat, too addicted, too stuck.  Focus only on your good points and they will expand. You have many credits to your name.  Make a list of them.  Refuse to listen to that critical voice in your mind.  You can control what you think about. Read the list over and over.

STEP TWO:
TAKE ACTION!

I once asked an addiction counselor why they talked so much about the drugs and alcohol.  Why didn’t they deal with the reasons behind the substance abuse?

“You can’t do it that way,” he said. “The addiction takes on a life of it’s own.  It’s like a separate person you’re dealing with.  That person must be brought into control first.”

He went on to say, “The purpose of the substance abuse is to block feeling.  Addicts don’t feel bad.  They don’t feel good.  They are trying not to feel at all.” 
Okay, you’ve done a lot of work on loving yourself and you’re starting to think that maybe you are worth saving. Except for one thing.  The problem is still there. You’re still in it.  You can’t seem to break the circle.  You are convinced that the lesson is learned but there still doesn’t seem to be any way out of the classroom.  You can’t find the door.

If you were responsible for a child who had just burned himself with matches, would you sit down and explain the whole danger of burns?  Would you go over all the reasons why he wouldn’t want to be burned?  He knows the reasons.  He’s been burned.

Or would you take away the matches?

It may be time now to take action. Tough, loving, firm action. You have to get clean.  To eliminate the addicted personality  you manufactured.  You will know when it’s time.  The click happens. You’ve had it. The  situation or the person you are addicted to is not doing it for you any more.  The pain is out and it is not sweet.  It is just pain.

Many people feel it is spiritual to stay in a bad scene and work it out there. It doesn’t work that way.

You have to be as ruthless and determined to get rid of your habit as you have been about getting the thing you are addicted to.  You know how you were.  You’d go anywhere - nothing would stop you - when you need that “fix.”  That same energy must be employed now.  The life you were killing was yours.  The life you are saving is yours.

You know what you have to do.  Don’t kid yourself that you can stay in a bad situation and solve it. You’ve tried that already.  It hasn’t worked. You have to put distance between you and the problem or the person involved.

Let’s say your addiction is to a person who abuses you.
 
You’ve been waiting and waiting for that person to change. You know that deep down they love you.  Forget it. Their change is not your business. It is theirs. You are your business.

You think that maybe things will improve if you just hang on another month - or a year.  Maybe you are giving up just a little too soon. Maybe not.

I am not saying that the person with whom you are involved cannot change.  They certainly can.  But while they’re working on it they are using up your life.
Anyway, if they do “see the light” you will have a completely new relationship.  One where they will interact with you differently.  And, if you are meant to be together, it may occur in a strange new and wonderful way. Circumstances you could have never dreamed of accomplishing. In the meantime, you will be working on your own healing.

You have to take drastic action here.  Cut yourself off completely from this person or situation.  You may even have to move out of the area. Disappear.  We are talking about your life here.  You are in this to save your life. Your wound cannot heal if it is constantly being dug at - reopened.  It has to be protected. Plan this separation carefully. Do it in an orderly manner.  Find a safe place.  Then, go.

If this situation concerns a relationship, you must tell your friends you don’t want to hear what your former lover is doing. You don’t want to hear what’s happening with them. It doesn’t matter if this person asks about you.  If they say they miss you. If they are seeing someone new.  You can’t afford to care about these things. You don’t drive by the apartment to see if they are home.  You don’t call on the phone to hear their voicemail and hang up. You don’t contact them at all. Monitor your calls and don’t call back. You can’t be interested.  Maybe later.  Not now.  This has to be a total break.  Don’t get confused because you hurt. It doesn’t mean you should go back. The absence of abuse leaves a void you still haven’t filled.

If your problem is with a substance addiction, get very serious about a 12 step program. If you have to go into detox - do it. Then love yourself enough to go to a meeting every day.  If things are bad, go to more than one meeting that day.  This time don’t sit in the back of the room and say to yourself, “These poor devils really have a problem.”  Get honest. You are one of the poor devils who have the problem.  Get a sponsor this time. Keep in touch with him or her daily. You are recovering from major surgery.  You need care.  You need support. This is serious.  This is war.
 
One of the hardest parts of this will be that you have to let go of the friends you have made who are similarly addicted or related to it in any way.  I know you love some of them and maybe later, when you are stronger, you can reconnect. But they are not going to help you change.  Your decision to get well could make them feel guilty and they may do everything to sabotage your efforts.  Be prepared to be alone while you’re making new contacts.  You’re going to be lonely but you can’t hang around in the old neighborhood.  It is too dangerous to your new decision for health and life.
 
If you have a life situation, for example, a job which isn’t satisfying, start looking for something you would enjoy. Notice that I didn’t say that you necessarily must quit your present job this minute.  That is going to make you feel desperate. But it is time.  You’ve been reading the employment section of the paper for months and then not doing anything about answering ads. The misery is not going to go away. You are entitled to be happy in your work.  It is not spiritual to suffer. Make the call. Get some stamps. Write the letter. Get going.

I like Goethe’s quote which says, “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.  Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.  Begin it now.”
THIS IS IMPORTANT.

IF YOU CAN’T DO THIS, YOU ARE NOT READY. DON’T START HATING YOURSELF AGAIN.  GO BACK TO STEP ONE AND LOVE YOURSELF WHERE YOU ARE.  THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT HERE.  IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY NOT TO BE READY YET. YOU MAY HAVE MORE TO LEARN IN THE SITUATION YOU ARE IN.  YOU NEED TO DO SOME MORE SERIOUS LOVING AND ACCEPTING OF YOURSELF.

I haven’t mentioned the “G” word.  Yes, God, by whatever Name you call Him, is the POWER behind you. But you may be afraid to call on Him.  You think He may be mad.

He is there anyway, loving you toward your natural state, which is peace.  You see, with us or without us, the Universe is intent on balance.  Balance is love.  Balance is a gentle life. We cause the chaos in our life. We fight serenity by complicating our existence needlessly.  We are the troublemakers.  But, we can’t win.  God always wins in the end.  He wants us happy.  Any good Father wants only this for His children.

STEP THREE:
FEELING THE FEELINGS

I know. You’ve done this before.  This is different.  Because our minds are always searching for answers, we never feel anything without asking, “Why this? How did this happen?”  This time, try to allow the feelings to come up without questioning the source. No editing. No analysis.  You will not be able to take all the pain of your life at once. Don’t try. Be generous with yourself and loving. Do as much or as little as you can.  
Arnold Patent, author of You Can Have It All, writes, “It is the labeling of our feelings - as sad, angry, fearful or whatever - that holds the energy within them and causes us discomfort.  As we are able to let go of the labels, we gradually become more comfortable with the return of our power and begin to enjoy the process of feeling our feelings.”

It is important to know that feelings will not kill you.  You will not die from the pain.  You have kept yourself not feeling for years - with distractions, by running, with drugs, with activity; with an insatiable need for relationships which you are sure will complete you.

So when feelings come, let them.  Don’t bother to dig them out.  Although they have been buried for years, they will surface at the right time. Don’t judge them.  Watch them. You may be afraid they will wipe you out, but try not to push them away. At times in this process, you may feel you can’t stand the pain.  But you’ve already endured so much pain through not feeling.  You CAN do this. You will not go crazy.

Eventually, you will notice that the feelings pass through as though they are a thunderstorm.  You may become aware that you feel lighter after a siege of feelings, in a way that cannot be explained. Endure as much at a time as you can.  Ask for help from God, Whoever He is to you.  You will get it. He will be there.  Quit when you can do no more.  This is not a contest.  There are no grades to earn.  This is only for you, not anyone else. Proceed at your own pace.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

IF YOU CAN’T DO THIS, YOU ARE NOT READY. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. DON’T START HATING YOURSELF AGAIN.  GO BACK TO STEP ONE AND LOVE YOURSELF WHERE YOU ARE.  THEN, APPROACH STEP TWO. THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT HERE.  IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY NOT TO BE READY FOR THIS STEP.  YOU MAY HAVE MORE TO LEARN IN THE SITUATION YOU ARE IN.  LOVE YOURSELF WHEREVER YOU ARE.  YOU ARE IN THE PERFECT PLACE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.
 

STEP FOUR:
LOVING YOURSELF FEELING THE FEELINGS

You are entitled to your feelings.  Love yourself having them.  Even the very angry ones.  We’ve been taught not to express anger.  You have to get in touch with what you are willing to release before you can decide it is outdated and has to go.  

The famous author, Dr. Deepak Chopra writes that the body cannot discern if a disturbing emotion in our mind is happening now or happened in the past. It affects the body and our immune systems in the present. Your old bad feelings are aging you and making you sick. Feel them to get rid of them.  You can’t use them anymore.

The key ingredient at this point is to have a “little willingness” to let the feelings go.  To be willing to accept whatever is the highest good for you - and, this is critical, not to decide what that is.  To let it, in a way you don’t determine, be shown to you.

Make the statement out loud.  Say, in your own words, something like this:

“I DECLARE TO THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND TO GOD, AS I KNOW HIM, THAT I AM WILLING TO LET THESE PAINFUL FEELINGS AND MEMORIES GO.   I AM WILLING TO BE CLEARLY SHOWN A NEW PATH FOR ME.”  

As you go through this new way of dealing with your emotions, an important realization starts to dawn.  You notice you have started to let go of blame.  You begin to appreciate what you have learned from all the terribly painful experiences that have been traversed.

You become aware of how far you have come.  How you have evolved as a result of your pain. You may no longer want to be with the people who played their parts in your drama, but a sense of peace toward them dawns in your mind - forgiveness occurs.

The surprise ending is a sense of gratitude and compassion towards your former victimizers.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

IF YOU CAN’T DO THE FEELING EXERCISE, YOU ARE NOT READY.  DON’T JUDGE YOURSELF AS UNWORTHY. YOU DON’T NEED ANY MORE PAIN AND GUILT.  GO BACK TO STEP ONE AND LOVE YOURSELF JUST AS YOU ARE.  YOU ARE NOT BAD. YOU ARE LEARNING.  YOU NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON LOVING YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY.  JUST WHERE YOU ARE TODAY.

STEP FIVE:
SURRENDER

Surrender does not mean giving up.  It means GIVING IT UP. This is it.  The end of the line and where healing comes.  Beyond our feelings and our fear is our real problem which is we feel separate from God and the whole of the Universe.  Under it all, we feel banished and alone.

This is the reason we constantly try to control people, places and things that are beyond our control.  We feel no one else is doing it, so we’d better.  This brings in more fear when we discover we don’t have the ability to control much in our lives.  Sure, we can buy insurance, save money, take vitamins - do all the right things.  But in the wee small hours or in a crisis we go into panic.  We feel unprotected.

Beyond the ring of our fear is the feeling that we have been abandoned.  That we are separate. And in this horror of utter desolation is where the miracle of healing occurs.

A friend told me that he felt his life had been spent pushing a merry-go-round in a circle.  Finally, exhausted, he stopped pushing and sat on the edge of the merry-go-round. That is when he discovered that it had its own motor!

Surrender is letting God’s motor take over.  Being willing to trust because we have nowhere else to go.  We step back and let Him lead the way.  A Course In Miracles says, “A healed mind does not plan. It carries out the plans that it receives through listening to Wisdom that is not its own. (W,246)”

This does not mean we stare into space and do nothing.  It means we act on what is commonly called Intuition. Don’t expect a booming message from the heavens.  But notice the signals that come as “coincidences.”  Follow ideas that seem to appear from nowhere. That Guidance can show us how to break the circle of self-abuse.  If we ask, and then listen, it will point to the door out of our painful classroom.

It is in this place of surrender that this Voice comes through most clearly. In our isolation, there is nothing else to hear.

So, my dear prostitutes -  Do what you have to do until you love yourself enough to stop.  Because you are an extreme example, you are a remarkable teacher to us.  You and your sisters, in revealing your lives, are a mirror in which we see the ways we sabotage our own peace.
We learn from you that misuse of our own body or someone else’s is only a symptom of our own terror. Our bodies are temporary vehicles we use to learn our lessons. This tortuous, twisting journey has one purpose.  To lead us back to the knowledge that we are only our beautiful, holy selves.

In surrendering, we connect with the core of us - our original Reality.

You can name that reality God, the Christ-Mind, the Buddha-Mind, Jehovah-Mind, Allah-Mind, Universal-Mind or your Higher Power.  All the Names are synonymous with the same Consciousness. In surrendering, we unite and act with that Consciousness.  In surrender, we begin to know that all we are is that Love.

Many have asked me what the results were in this program.  The Chicago Tribune wanted to do a series on my program.  But, they wanted to know the results or they did not have a story.  They were unhappy when I told them I did not know.  People do not change until they are ready. I have no idea where any of the women are now.  I do know that they participated and listened.  Perhaps because no one had ever listened to them before.

When I was facilitating A Course In Miracles for men in Cook County Jail, I mentioned to one of their counselors that I thought it was a shame that when it seemed as though my students were making progress, they were sentenced to prison for a long time. What was the use?

I always remember the answer he gave me.  He said, “Think of yourself as either planting or watering seeds.”

He added, “You may be the first planter.  And down the road someone else will water your seeds.  Or, you could be the catalyst for someone who planted seeds years ago and you have the watering can now…  Just do the work and let it go.”