The Gore marriage a dead issue? Then, his daughter?
The country is shocked. We will never know why. They are too private to tell. It is none of our business anyway.
I believe relationships end because of a “click.”
Many of us have been in a dying relationship – sometimes toxic. For years.
Your best friend says, “Are you crazy? Leave.”
Your mother is distraught. She can’t figure out why you stay.
Your sister is worried, “Please. You are miserable. Get out.”
And you know it too. The person could even be dangerous. But you stay.
The relationship might be like Chinese water torture. Constant criticism, disapproval, disrespect. You could never do anything right. And the worst part about it is that you kept coming back for more. Trying to please. Looking for approval. Like a puppy who keeps bounding back only to be slapped down again.
Then the smallest thing happens. Not dramatic. It could be your partner did not put out the garbage or failed to change the toilet paper roll one more time.
The next day, you wake up.
The “click” has happened. The relationship is over. The person is history.
There is no going back.
Free at last! Free at last! You feel strong. Empowered.
Then, about a week later, sadness comes in. Did you act rashly? Were you unkind? Did you make a mistake? Funny how a victim blames themselves.
When a relationship ends it is like a death. You are in mourning. There is also some anger mixed in like what was wrong with you that you put up with it for so long.
You were not wrong in ending it. But the absence leaves a hole in your life that you have not learned to fill.
Ending it was the hard part. You have more work to do. On yourself.
Here are some suggestions.
1. You must tell your mutual friends you don’t want to hear what your former partner is doing. You don’t want to hear what’s happening with them. It doesn’t matter if this person asks about you. If they say they miss you. If they are seeing someone new. You can’t afford to care about these things.
You don’t drive by the apartment to see if they are home. You don’t call on the phone to hear their voicemail and hang up. You don’t contact them at all. Monitor your calls and don’t call back. You can’t be interested. Maybe later. Not now. This has to be a total break. Don’t get confused because you hurt. It doesn’t mean you should go back. The absence of abuse leaves a void you still haven’t filled.
2. Avoid discussing it with your friends. Rehashing it over and over brings back the abuse. What you might consider, if you have not already done so, is see a therapist. Not to justify your actions but perhaps to find out what is in your background that allowed you to put up with this for so long. There are so many instances where people keep ending up with the same abusive person with a different name and face. You don’t want to repeat this.
3. Expect that there is this new space in your life that you will have to fill with other things. But, you don’t have to do it immediately. Try not to plug the space with another person. You have other friends. See them.
4. Treat yourself as a person with post traumatic stress disorder. You are in a process of healing. Go to bed an hour earlier every day. Do not take on any extra responsibilities. Just go about your normal routine – nothing more.
5. Fill your extra time with some comfort. When is the last time you had a massage? A pedicure Buy flowers every week. Just for you.
6. Even the worst relationships have had some good moments. Write about these in your journal. There were some benefits. It was not all wasted time.
Remind yourself that we learn more from our failures than our successes.
6. Be prepared that the person you have broken with may not go away quietly. Have a plan how you will react if they suddenly start calling, or writing or showing up or sending you cards and gifts. If you have your own place, change the locks. If you live in a condo, take the person off your visitors list at the office.
You have taken a step in your life that is important.
The step is called self love. Congratulations! You have started to love yourself at last.
Let the dead rest in peace.
Editors note: This article presupposes that you are not in a legal relationship like a marriage or a joint real estate ownership or there are children involved. If that is the case, legal advice is needed.
For the flip side of this situation, you might want to read:
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Twitter: andrewrondeau
June 15, 2010 at 1:59 am
Fortunately, I’ve not been in this situation. I have many friends who have though and it’s hard to comfort them. Only thing I do is listen.
Andrew
.-= Andrew @ Blogging Guide´s last blog ..Blogging: Who’s Made It Work? =-.
Dear Andrew -
Yes, I know this does not apply to you. You are one of the lucky ones.
I am sure you have held some hands along the way though.
Very succinct advice. I will write this url on a card and give it out. I see many women and a few men in this situation.
I would add, if the abuse is physical and you can’t leave yet, get prepared. Get copies of all legal papers and store them with relatives. Get a separate checking account and put money in it. Go see all the best divorce lawyers even if you aren’t going to use them so they can’t be used against you. Go to mental health and talk to them, get a base line established if you have kids because abusive people will try to make you look crazy to take the kids.
I could go on but you get the idea. Problem is, it is just as you say. There is something and they leave. It often does not make sense, after all the abuse, some little thing and it is enough. I always tell them, what ever works to get you taking better care of yourself.
The analogy I use is the airline analogy – Put the oxygen on yourself, before you try to help anyone else.
.-= Bruce´s last blog ..The Sandwich – How Can It Be Bad For Me? =-.
Dear Bruce -
All your advice is of course imperative. Thanks for the offer to pass on the article.
Before you leave it, will you click on the link – When Your Husband Wants Out? It is at the end of the article.
Now, I am playing hardball. Wrote it over two years ago and it is still my 2nd most popular post out of hundreds. Don’t miss the comments on that one.
Thanks for your always loving support, Bruce.
This is great advice and works not just from a marriage ending, but a business partnership as well. When my partnership of 15+ years ended everyone would share information about my ex-partner the new business ventures. I cared,but couldn’t afford to care – it hurt too much…. And by the way – sometimes people think you should STAY, like us with the Gores, as we don’t really know the truth of closed doors.
.-= Michelle Vandepas´s last blog ..Author Interview: Edward Jones A New Consciousness is Born =-.
This is such an important comment, Michelle.
I have clients who have lost their jobs and they are in constant contact with others in the company – keeping up with every person and movement.
It torments them. They can’t seem to let go. And it prevents them from moving forward.
It is a battle to convince them to cut those ties.
So, this article covers more than love relationships. Thanks for pointing that out.
That’s why I need you. And your brain.
I couldn’t agree more. In fact, it’s almost scary, because I had this exact conversation with a troubled friend the other day – down to the use of the word ‘click’ – it is a universal experience – well said – great wisdom and insight.
.-= Amy Posner´s last blog ..Why Blog? =-.
Thanks for dropping in, Amy.
Yes, that is scary that your friend used the word “click.”
It’s the little things that count. That last thing that finishes it off. Funny how it is not the large abuses. Every time.
I am very complimented that your enjoyed this post considering your great experience with writing and technology.
And consider myself lucky that we discovered each other by accident.
But then, I don’t believe in accidents.
I look forward to supporting you too.
Twitter: happymakernowco
June 16, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Know just what you are talking about. My ex was contant criticism, disapproval, disrespect. One day it was like the light just came on and that was it. He was history. That one little thing that breaks the camels back. There was know looking back.
Thanks Corrine a very good article
Debbie
.-= Debbie @ Happy Maker´s last blog ..A change is as good as a rest, when it comes to being Happy! =-.
Dear Debbie -
Glad you are out. Nice to hear that word “ex.”
Now you can write your blog Happy Maker with a light heart.
Wishing you more of the same.
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
June 16, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Being on the outside of this conversation “The relationship might be like Chinese water torture. Constant criticism, disapproval, disrespect. You could never do anything right. And the worst part about it is that you kept coming back for more. Trying to please. Looking for approval. Like a puppy who keeps bounding back only to be slapped down again.” really makes me wonder how we get caught up in that relationship style in the first place.
The click for me came when I asked myself how I would react to a total stranger speaking to me in a disrespectful way. I would stand up for myself, walk away, say something rude…do something! When I put that my intimate relationships through this test – FAIL. Yikes! It took time to disengage from toxic relationships. It takes courage to see them coming and to stay out of them. My world is a much quieter (less drama filled) place.
And I like it that way.
.-= Cheryl from thatgirlisfunny´s last blog ..Abby Sunderland’s Failed Voyage Teaches Lessons in Risk, Recovery and Tenacity =-.
Dear Cheryl -
When I read this quote -
“The click for me came when I asked myself how I would react to a total stranger speaking to me in a disrespectful way. I would stand up for myself, walk away, say something rude…do something!”
The first thing that came to my mind was, “Do they know who they are dealing with?”
Must be a brave (and foolish) guy to trifle with a martial arts expert.
Twitter: thatgirlisfunny
June 23, 2010 at 12:02 pm
hwaaa-cha! lol!
.-= Cheryl from thatgirlisfunny´s last blog ..Life at FloMAC – 2nd Degree Black Belt Promotion for Keith Florian and Kenny Florian =-.
Great advice. I remember a break up where I knew the person would call me. I prepared by writing the words and actions down and posting it on the wall above where I kept my telephone. This had everything I need to say on it. The note said, “No.”
Dear Rain -
Like your one word answer. Very appropriate.
NO is good.
Personally, I would check the caller id and not answer at all!
Twitter: makegirlfriends
June 19, 2010 at 3:44 pm
I love your words and they are so very true; one word comes to mind and it’s FEAR – fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown! I often feel as if we as women “SETTLE”. We talk ourselves into it’s not that bad, someone else has it worse. We are SETTLING is what we are doing. WE love so many other things and at times forget to love ourselves. You are so right in stating “self love”. You have some great advice and I will continue to read your posts!
Hi Nancy -
“The Devil we know” is so prevalent in making the decision to leave everything just as it is.
And that is definitely SETTLING.
Still, I believe in the “Click” It may take time but eventually, hopefully, it will happen.
A very small thing, as I said, could do it. But I know this. We can’t make it happen for someone else.
I remember that first click. It came as I was standing over my heater getting warm one night. We had tried so hard to overcome getting pregnant in high school and making it work…but it just didn’t. He didn’t do anything to cause the “click”, it just came. When I told him I thought it was time for us to really do it and go separate ways, he said that he had been thinking the same thing for weeks but didn’t know how to tell me.
We both decided on a path that would work best for our three children. When we told them, we were sitting on the couch together and he had his arm around me. They wanted to know if we still liked each other. We assured them that we did and that’s all they wanted to know.
A few weeks later as I was driving home from a friends house, my mind started going through all of the old good times and how much was being lost and my spirits just started to plummet and I started to cry. As soon as that happened, a little voice in my head said “O…what drama” and I burst out laughing. I never looked back.
We are good friends to this day. He is my favorite ex-husband out of the three. Ha!
Keep going for the gold. This “three time loser” as my mothers generation would say about me, has been married to a fourth husband for 10 years now and every day has been bliss. Really!
Sharon
Dear Sharon -
And I always had heard that “three times the charm.”
Obviouly, it is not true for you.
Well, it will give a lot of people hope to read your comment!
Twitter: blogtechguy
June 21, 2010 at 10:03 am
It’s a very interesting posts, thanks! Fortunately I’ve never been in in this situation but a few close friends have and it’s a very difficult time for everyone. So good advice, I hope I never have to use
.-= Joel´s last blog ..Do you Digg it? =-.
I hope that you never need it either, Joel!
It is a difficult time for those who do. And we torture ourselves afterwards for a long time.
Twitter: http://leapofaction.com
June 21, 2010 at 10:25 am
I used to share your blog title’s view of relationship, but over time have come to look at it from the perspective that relationships never end, they just change. Either view works, so to speak. The important thing, regardless of whether it ends or changes, as you say, after the hard part “you have more work to do. On yourself.” Sound advice to anyone not wishing to repeat the “nothing deader than dead love” experience too often.
Dear Beat -
I agree with this comment of yours.
“But over time have come to look at it from the perspective that relationships never end, they just change.”
All relationships make up the sum of who we are today. They really never go away.
Hopefully, we learn from them.
Hi Corinne,
I always adore your warm advices.
Fortunately for myself as well, the love has never died and probably it’s all about good communication measures and time management for me to prevent breaking up with someone whom I also care the most.
It’s hard when you’ve built this foundation for so long and then these little arguments will just easily break it off or worst, pull you away in an instant. Although if you really need that “break” for both of you, separation and giving space would be a relief as well to figure things out better and review yourself more. So it still depends upon different situations. And, I do agree, choosing to move yourself away from the “past” will help you move on faster and fill in the gaps yourself.
Thanks a lot!
Tyrone
Dear Tyrone -
Thanks for letting us in a little on your personal life.
I am happy that the love you feel has not died.
Separation is one way to deal with a situation. My experience is that it is only a stop gap and rarely works. Once you are away it is a relief and perhaps gives enough courage to end it in a civil manner.
This is a truly inspiring post. I know so many people who are stuck in a relastionship rut, and it has such a negative impact on their life overall. They feel lonely, cynical, rejected and undermined. I wish I could show everyone this post, and give people in thist situation the courage to move forward and take command of their relationships.
.-= Jen @ York Hypnotherapy´s last blog ..One good thing…how to stay positive =-.
Hi Jen -
It does take courage – and many times – preparation.
If there are children involved, it can be an entirely different story. You can’t just end something without protecting yourself and them from what seems to be an impulse decision.
And then, there are people who stay and just rot a little at a time.
A life of “quiet desperation” as they say.
Well actually at least the Gore decided to give each other another chance at love. I know family members who are still married even if the marriage has been dead for decades.
Great post topic!
Krizia
.-= Eat Smart Age Smart´s last blog ..The Self Healing Cookbook Whole Foods To Balance Body Mind and Moods =-.
Hi Krizia -
Yes, it looks like the Gore’s gave it a good try. But who knows what goes on behind closed doors.
They seem, from reports, they have led separate lives for some time.
As I said, we will probably never know.
Twitter: raymond8
June 22, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Hi Corrine,
I wish read this a decade ago.
Great information for those who need emotional healing.
The important thing, Raymond, is that you have read it now.
You are still very young, with so much life in front of you.
You are growing every day. I read all your articles. It shows.
Wow. I’m counting myself blessed here…I’ve not been in any kind of dangerous relationship. I did have a click moment in a goofy high school relationship which I then ended. He cried. Then he went on with life and is now happily married to a wonderful woman. We’re both very glad it’s not me.
.-= Amy LeForge´s last blog ..You Too Can Win With Ronzoni =-.
Amy, you are our poster child – for a wonderful mother and partner.
Your blog is an inspiration for young mothers everywhere.
Somehow, the right opportunity was offered to you – and you had the wisdom to grab it with both hands.
Thank you, Corinne!
It’s funny that you said about a week goes by before you have second thoughts.
In my first ‘serious’ relationship, after I broke up with the girl, I had a friend tell me “yeah I usually feel great after breaking up for about a week… then it’s all downhill from there”. I remember thinking “That won’t happen to me. I thought this out. I know what I’m doing.”
Saying he was right might be the understatement of my life… but it was quite a learning experience.
keep smiling,
Benjamin
.-= Benjamin´s last blog ..Podcast – Stress Reduction and Accelerated Learning =-.
Thank god , I’ve not been in this situation. I have many friends who have though and it’s hard to comfort them. But i Cant do anything but listen.
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Hi! I like your article. You seem to be so broken-hearted. Well, I guess that’s how love is, meeting a person matching your personality. Good luck to your future endeavors!
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Very interesting post. I agree that Even the worst relationships have had some good moments. Even though you tried to make things perfect, even though you tried to have the best relationship ever, you will still commit mistakes. And from that mistakes you learn something. And this might help you to become a better and have a more successful relationship the next time you fall in love. Ending up a relationship might be hard, but sometimes people break up for them to grow up. You just gotta learn to love yourself a little bit more.
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