One of the best things about blogging is that you find new friends who have the same interests and who you would not have discovered otherwise.
Chrissy Scivicque at www.eatoolbox.com and I were both honored as winners in an article competition this week called Synergy Institute so of course I was curious to see what she wrote.
I thought her article was so important that I asked if she would be a guest author. We have all been here and can use her very sage advice!
ENTER CHRISSY HERE! WITH MANY THANKS!
I’ll be honest.
If I said everything I’d like to say, I wouldn’t have a job. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t have much of a social life either. And family? Forget about it!
We all bite our tongues everyday to keep our relationships (and lives) intact. It’s something we simply have to do because we live in a civilized society. Out of respect for social etiquette, we don’t let our sporadic (and often inappropriate) mental outbursts escape without warning at any given moment through out the day. If we did, we’d end up saying things we don’t really mean, or things that offend people, or things that cause serious, irreparable damage to relationships (and jobs).
If you need some help biting your tongue at times, don’t fear – you’re not alone! It’s a noble cause though, so here’s a few tips to help you along the way:
Take a breather
Step away from the situation and take a few deep breaths. When someone is really pushing your buttons, get out of the situation as quickly as possible. Before doing anything, simply sit quietly and collect yourself. Don’t go running your mouth off to your friends and getting yourself all worked up again. Just let the situation defuse itself with time.
Write it down…then burn it
Personally, I find writing to be the most freeing and satisfying activity in the world. When I’m really boiling over about something, I let it flow straight onto paper. I don’t pay any attention to spelling or grammar or even if I’m making any sense. I just let it pour wildly out. When I’m done, I’m usually sweating and breathing hard – which is a wonderful sign that I’ve just expelled a bunch of toxic crap that would have simply eaten away at me if I’d kept it inside. The critical thing to remember here is that this paper is for your eyes only. Write with the understanding that there is no consequence for your words. You are totally free. When you’re done, burn it. Or shred it. Do it with intent and with the idea that all your feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, etc. are being burned as well. Once it’s out you are free to move on.
A word of caution: DO NOT be tempted by the idea of sharing what you’ve written. Don’t write a letter in the heat of the moment, stamp it and drop in the mailbox. Don’t shoot off an email. The point of this exercise is to get it out without anyone else being involved in the process.
Talk it over with a sympathetic ear
Having a best friend, or a significant other, who truly listens, is a gift. (If they need some help, have them read How to Be a Good Listener.) Treasure that person and utilize them when needed. Give them a call or take them out for drinks. Tell them right up front, “I’ve got to whine for a few minutes” and then let it all out. This obviously works best when they’re not involved in the situation. On objective opinion can be helpful. Of course, there are sometimes when, personally, I don’t really want an opinion. I just want someone to listen and agree that I have every right to feel angry/frustrated/wronged. In such a case, I usually specify this – “Just let me whine and tell me I’m right”. It’s totally fair. Your best friend/significant other knows you. They understand this stuff.
Consider the damage if you didn’t bite your tongue
Sometimes, when things really make you upset and you want to just let it out whatever the repercussions, stop for a minute to consider exactly what the repercussions are. If you tell this person (your boss, your sister, your husband) exactly what you’re feeling, how will they react? Will it help the situation or will it make things worse? I can tell you that 9 times out of 10, “letting it all out” causes more trouble than it’s worth. I’m not saying that you have to fake it, but consider your words and honestly access how voicing your opinion will impact the situation. If it has the potential of escalating the negative intensity of things, back off.
These are the things I do to help me when my emotions are running wild and I just want to explode on someone. Please share your tricks…you know you have some!
This article is copyrighted to Christine Scivicque 2007 and may not be reprinted without permission.
More wonderful thoughts from Chrissy can be found at www.eatoolbox.com
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