This is about single women who are also perhaps mothers, friends, credit card jugglers, car-poolers, entrepreneurs, lovers, workers, gardeners, even grandmothers.
In short—a person trying to be everything to everybody and still have a life.
I know there are some serenely, happily coupled women out there who do all the same things, and if you are one of them, I don’t want to exclude you.
And – male readers? Sure. Come along. It wouldn’t hurt for you to learn something about how women really think.
Speaking of males –
I was shocked to read my friend, Craig Harper’s article on the pressure that is put on MALES who are single. I thought it was just woman who had to put up with that nonsense!
Craig says –
“Women periodically feel sorry for me (while simultaneously trying to hook me up with their sister, cousin, neighbor or girlfriend), while blokes have been known to ask if I’d be interested in trading lives with them. According to some people, I must be miserable, lonely, unfulfilled and emotionally inept. Apparently I just think I’m happy; I’m just telling myself that to make ‘me’ feel better about being tragically single. And lonely. Poor delusional Craig.
Gotta say, my delusion is quite the place. You should visit.”
To which I say to my women friends, “Come on in! The water’s fine!
We talk self-sufficiency but are furtively casting about for that guy who will defend the entrance to our cave.
With all of our bravado, we are still whistling in the dark to keep ourselves safe. And no matter how successful we are, how many clothes we collect, how many pedicures we splurge on, how many trips we take, how “interesting” our jobs, we cringe when we hear the question, “Are you seeing anyone?”
The secret is that we feel deficient without a man. We are apologetic to our families for being single . . . We give reasons and excuses to our friends . . . (there’s NOBODY out there) and we put pieces of our life on hold until “he” comes along.
It is time for us to tear a page from Craig’s song book.
It is possible to be happy as a single person. Look at your life. You are probably already happy.
If the truth is known, most of our married friends envy the fact that we write our own script. We paint that room red and nobody has a heart attack because he hates it!
We can buy a pair of $300 jeans and no one complains. We know it comes at the price of economizing somewhere else. But if you need them, you need them, END OF STORY.
We can eat cornflakes for dinner if we feel like it. (Sorry, Craig!) Stay up all night and finish the book without anyone telling us to turn the light off.
The inspirational books we read send a thunderous message. Nothing and no one outside ourselves can save us. Not even a soul mate. Serenity and peace cannot be found except in our own hearts.
I believe that realization is our ultimate target. But many of us are not there yet. Glimpses—even epiphanies come and then seem to vanish on this roller coaster ride we signed up for. However, in between the hair pin turns and the high sky dives, it’s helpful to know where we are going.
If there is one message for us, it is this:
If there is a right person—a soul mate—I think he will show up for us at the perfect time, which is somehow not determined by us. We just have to follow our intuition and be alert to what is around the next bend on the roller coaster.
But don’t waste life waiting around for that person.
Neale Donald Walsch, in his beautiful book, Conversations with God, recounts that the most important question we can ask in any situation is “What would love do now?”
I have those words taped on my computer screen. That guidance holds up under most circumstances. Remember to include your own happiness and welfare when you answer that question.
My mother’s favorite expression was, “In the light of all Eternity, most things don’t matter.” She was probably right. I’d like to add something.
Even if that is true, go for the gold anyway! Every way you can. And everyday. Because we are beautiful, extraordinary people—with or without a partner.
And we have a unique contribution to make—to ourselves and to our world.
Here’s an assignment for all my single friends. There is a comment section below. What advantages have you found in being single??
Can’t wait to hear from you!
{ 1 trackback }
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Haha great post! Many of my friends are in young marriages and/or just about to get married. I don’t feel a lot of pressure, but you’re right – it does appear that society has this view that being “paired up” is the only way to be happy. I agree with your sentiment that if there is a soulmate out there, they will show up when the time is right. I think the biggest advantage of being single is having more time to discover yourself. So often, couples grow together, which is a wonderful thing – but it’s also nice to grow as an individual.
Sid Savaras last blog post..The Curse of the Worst Acceptable Solution
Happy Birthday Corinne!
For all you readers, come over to my post (linked above) and wish Corinne a Happy Birthday!
When I saw this article, I knew immediately Craig Harper had inspired you to write this because he wrote a very interesting article himself about the topic of being single (which I saw that you not only commented on but also linked to).
It’s true. I’m one of them too. There are more single people in the world than most of us realize. It’s a rapidly developing phenomena.
Welcome to the club!
And by the way HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I just left a comment over at Michelle’s site so I won’t repeat myself here but just for the benefit of saying something about age, I want to say it’s just a number.
And that I will be linking to an article about an 87 year old grandmother who has actually competed in real weightlifting championships and won! Looking at her photo would make you think “She’s not a grandma, she can’t be!”
So you keep on trucking lady. Age is nothing. NOTHING. It’s a state of mind.
Stephen Hopsons last blog post..End of the Week Gratitude Theme #44
Gosh, I had to add another comment here Corinne.
You hit it right on the nose when you said these lines:
“Stay up all night and finish the book without anyone telling us to turn the light off.” (I stayed up until 1 am last night reading Lance Armstrong’s ENTIRE biography – it made me laugh and cry several times).
“We can buy a pair of $300 jeans and no one complains.” (I am not about to buy a pair of $300 jeans but I AM about to buy a specialized $400 blender for purposes of my next 30 day raw food diet experiment!). (The same goes for wanting to take a flight in a private rental plane and end up paying the cost of a roundtrip airfare to London or something like that).
Yes, it’s beneficial to be single. I no longer care what people think. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t cringe much anymore when they say, “Are you married?” or “Are you seeing anyone?”
I just answer them flat out and say, “No.” Then I shut up. In the past, I felt obligated to defend, cajole, explain away, etc.
No more.
Stephen Hopsons last blog post..End of the Week Gratitude Theme #44
Hi Corrine,
I am not single, but i agree with what you said.
I guess it would be fair to say that both being single and being with someone have its share of pros and cons.
Being in love with someone is one magical feeling that i would not exchange with anything else in the world, and yes it comes with the occasional arguments and compromising of freedom at times. At the end of it, its all worth it in the name of love.
Though i wouldn’t trade my time in love with my girlfriend and future wife for anything, i have to honest and say i did enjoyed the freedom when i was single as well.
Thought provoking article and by the way Happy Birthday Corrine!
Henry
Henrys last blog post..Lance Armstrong – Its Not About The Bike
As a young(ish) widow for 11 months I can’t tell you the number who feel the need to tell me I should start dating again, find a new husband, find a new father for my two young children.
I found the perfect man. Unfortunately he died. I will stay single unless another perfect man comes along. Why would I settle now if I didn’t settle the first time.
I was bitter about all this till I read the most wonderful book, Princess Bubble.
Corinne, Happy Birthday and thanks for writing this article. I have a newly divorced friend that I am printing this out for her to read. This is exactly what she needs to hear right now. She is doing well except for occasional bouts of loneliness. Thanks.
Married or single, the most important thing we can do for ourselves and any relationships that we have is to love ourselves unconditionally. Most of us don’t know how to do that.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworkers last blog post..Spiritual Instead Of Religious
Hi Corrine. Just wanted to pop over and wish you a very happy birthday. Hope it is filled with ‘me’ time and all the love and support that you might want.
Karen (karooch from Scraps of mind)s last blog post..Outstanding Commenter Award for August
And can I just say a resounding ‘Hear, Hear!’ to this article. I have been single for over 20 years and I love being able to do what I want when I want to. My current partner also enjoys the freedom of ’singleness’ and we have a great relationship where we each live our individual lives doing what we want (this is actually not one of those ‘open relationship’ things)and then we get together most weekends to spend great time together.
Karen (karooch from Scraps of mind)s last blog post..Outstanding Commenter Award for August
Oh, for cryin’ out loud … it’s the same old tape – year after year after year- where is my soulmate? Did you ever think that maybe there isn’t one … that it’s a whole lot of hooey – coming from the catholic/biblical press that you are not whole unless you have a “mate”…. Like that’s the only game in town. Jeez guys, do we have to be beaten over the head to realize that maybe that’s not the “truth” …….. and that there is nothing wrong with being what is considered to be “alone”? Most of my high anxiety has come from listening to “others” – I am after all a recovered – read: recovered catholic. Not recovering..
Guys and gals : it’s 2008 and why is it ok that a man can live alone until he is 90 without anyone wondering if he is ok — yet we women are considered to be pariahs (or witches check out where that came from) if we do the same…. why is that – ? Did you ever stop to think? What is this dis-satisfaction that we are supposed to have? I don’t have it.
Who says I need a man? I have had,well, … lots of them.
And have loved and appreciated all of them. (In my own fashion) really.
I love my life – it’s just when the old tapes start to play ..I have become aware enough now to stop them… and I can. As in a Bob Fosse play, I am “my own best friend”…..
My life has Never ever been better and I have been single for 15 years. It is my choice. I own my own business, I have a myriad of friends, I am blessed with intelligence, wit and beauty and an abundance of friendship. Truly, I have blessed life.
Where I could lose it, is listening to the old tapes, advertising, tv and movies, church, relatives, society, other unhappy women.
unhappy men.
Bosh.
Most people don’t think- they follow. Are you a thinker or a follower? Have you ever “thought” about that? Do you ever sit and ponder? Why do you have to believe most of the drivel fed you?
Really, guys, who Is your own best friend?
Aside from me being my own best friend, my second best friend is Corinne …………
Did you know that today, September 8th is her birthday?
Did you know how I got to be my own best friend.
She taught me.
Happy birthday to our lovely and loving Corinne. And count your blessings because she is sharing all that knowledge and talent that she has ………with us. To pass on.
We spend a lot of time in search of happiness, wondering if we are OK, what we can do to make things better…
I think often we are happy when we are just not thinking about it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CORINNE”
Love,
Patsy
Happy birthday, Corrine.
As for me being single is a total freedom (sometimes boredom)
I can watch 3 movies in the row in the cinema without much fuss. I can go for lunch and dinner wherever and whenever I want without any restriction.
And many many more …
Raymond Chuas last blog post..A New Laptop Manifested
i like this, Sid -
“I agree with your sentiment that if there is a soulmate out there, they will show up when the time is right.”
Be sure to stay in touch and let us know – but don’t rush!
My dear Stephen -
My goodness, two comments! That’s a great birthday present!
I think that anyone who has any contact with you at all realizes immediately that you enjoy your life – and everyone -to the fullest!
Enjoy also your new blender toy! You look great since your revolution diet – but frankly, I thought you looked great before!
I agree that having no one to tell you to turn that darn light off is a GREAT ADVANTAGE in being single.
I often cannot put the book down!
Dear Henry -
Well, thanks for dropping in – thanks to Michelle. Hope you will visit from time to time.
Sounds like you have a great relationship with your girlfriend.
No, there is nothing better than being in love! Every stage of life has it’s own benefits.
Oh, my dear Sandi -
You have been with me from the time I started blogging. You feel like family.
I so admire your courage in facing such a terrible loss and yet getting on with your life for yourself and your little ones.
I predicted you would start getting pressure from very well meaning friends to start dating.
Sometime, you might – but that guy will really have to pass muster.
No RUSH!
Please know how often I think of you.
Dear Cynthia -
I just looked up Princess Bubble – looks like a charming book! Beautifully illustrated it.
Thanks for letting us know about it!
Dear Patricia -
I love this -
“Married or single, the most important thing we can do for ourselves and any relationships that we have is to love ourselves unconditionally. Most of us don’t know how to do that.”
That is what I read on your blog all the time. Your teaching helps so many people – including me!
Dear Karen – Karooch -
I want some of this!!!!!
“I have been single for over 20 years and I love being able to do what I want when I want to. My current partner also enjoys the freedom of ’singleness’ and we have a great relationship where we each live our individual lives doing what we want.”
That strikes me as the ideal in relationships unless you are in the market for producing a large family!
Thanks for sharing that part of your life with us.
WOW! THAT IS SOME COMPLIMENT, VLR!
“Aside from me being my own best friend, my second best friend is Corinne …………
Did you know how I got to be my own best friend.
She taught me.”
Wish I could take the credit for all the hard work you have done on yourself! I am only a cheerleader – or maybe a travel tour guide!
But thanks for the endorsement anyway!
One thing I never had to address with you is that you MUST LEARN TO SPEAK UP!
THAT WE CAN DEPEND ON!
By the way, it is not just the Catholics that think we should all pair up!
Dear Chris -
I absolutely agree with this -
“I think often we are happy when we are just not thinking about it.”
I’d like to add I think we are happiest when we are grateful for what we have!
My friend, Stan, always says when I complain about anything,
“Did you sleep inside last night?”
It always brings me up short!
Dear Patsy -
So nice to see your name on my blog!
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
Love,
Corinne
Dear Raymond -
Enjoy your freedom!
With the way you are progressing, someone is going to snap you up!
Someone wonderful I am sure!
Snap me up? I hope so.
Nice to hear that.
Raymond Chuas last blog post..A New Laptop Manifested
Wonderful post. Where I live (eastern caribbean) women are not so much found strange for being single but for not having children. Most people will not ask a woman if she is single they will ask if you have kids and when the reply is negative the next qustion is “why not”? I found this quite strange at first but now when I am asked this I often end the spanish inquisition by saying “I am barren”.
Not nice I know but I do not feel that at my age (39) I should have to justify my choices to anyone.
I love the freedom of being single, I don’t really like wearing clothes that much so walking around the house naked without anyone saying “why don’t you put some clothes on” is definately a plus for me. Also I never really liked having to justify myself to anyone so being single as you say means I can buy the $1,500 Citizen eco drive watch that I want and not have anyone around to complain that I could have bought a months worth of groceries with that money, besides who needs to eat when there is jewellery to be bought. LOL
Carol Kings last blog post..Anger Management – Its Your Anger Take Responsibility For It
Aloha!
I enjoyed this post! It has me thinking…I am quite comfortable with being single and thought that most women would want the same ( I was married for 26 years and KNOW what married and unhappy women talk about amongst themselves).
Perhaps it is my age and the fact that I have already been married and had children and the white picket fence that I do not get questioned about being single.
What do I love most about it?
)
The quiet house. No TV, no noise, the peaceful feeling and relaxed atmosphere.
Staying up as late as I want (or can at this stage
But the best is lounging about in the morning, in a sarong and sipping coffee, reading a book or a blog or just watching the sunrise and not feeling I should be DOING something for or with someone.
I also am not excluding anyone from my life should someone I meet and love desire the same type of life – I think I could be open yet I have no desire to search or wait for anyone or anything to make me happy…I am that!
With great peace,
Gina
Ginas last blog post..More Black and White Thinking!
Corinne, thanks for this message. Encouraging me to be thankful of my situation right now. While I’m single, I can do a lot of things, it’s my opportunity to become a better man, a better father. That’s what I’m going to do now!
Cheers,
Robert
My opinions: If you want children, get married as early as possible, and have them. If you don’t think marriage is for you, don’t do it just for the sake of it.
I am reasonably sure now that trading having children, for a career, is a mistake. Get married young, have your kids ASAP so you’ll have the energy to run after them!
I think if you just ‘live together’ and use artificial contraception you risk barren years and possible break-up, as there is no sacred bond.
Some people are natural bachelors and spinsters. They know in their hearts they wouldn’t be good parents. That’s fine too.
Dear Carol -
One of the most fascinating things about blogging is the insight that comes from all over the world.
I was so intrigued to hear that the question asked is how many children do you have?
Thanks for sharing your viewpoint and please come back again!
Dear Gina -
Loved this part of your comment about being single -
“What do I love most about it?
The quiet house. No TV, no noise, the peaceful feeling and relaxed atmosphere.”
I’ve been married – and now single for quite a while. I am not sure I could get used to someone sharing my space again – although I enjoyed being married at the time!
Dear Tiger Tom -
There is great wisdom in your comment. I had children early and although financially it was a great struggle, I am glad I did. Somehow, you survive.
I have young grandchildren now and I’ll tell you that you are right! Running after them is a young person’s game!
Well they say “no man is an island”, though it’s unfair to say you get lonely the rest of your life.
San Antonio Attorneys last blog post..Get Assistance From Lawyers That Care NOW!
I’m so new at this…blogging thing. I’ve been spending all of my time INTERNET dating. It’s been awful. I’ve been “single” for ten years with the exception of two somewhat long term relationships after my divorce. It’s been about 18 months since my last breakup and I belive I’ve finally got it. Just prior to discovering Stephen Hopson (cousin of a friend of mine from H.S.) and through his site this post I was FINALLY getting it. Single is FINE. I haven’t gotten to GREAT yet, but it’s become just fine. I relate to not having to look over my shoulder every time I laugh too loud, spend money foolishly (or sensibly, even), take an impromptu trip or decide to go visit a friend with benefits. I have finally and ALMOST comfortably learned to “fib” to my three adult children about my whereabouts and my bank accounts. I’ve discovered ME and PERSONAL SPACE and FREEDOM. I work hard and I’m back in school. I have all new, better, wonderfully evolved friends. It’s different after 20 years of marriage and raising three kids as a stay at home mom. At 54 I have more energy (though a few more aches and pains), look better and feel younger than I did during those years when I had to explain where my new purse came from. I am ME. Finally.
Dear Patti -
Anyone associated with my dear friend, Stephen Hopson, is automatically a member of my family.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I also was in the Internet dating machine for years. Now I just write ads for my friends.
I nursed my departed husband for five years before he died. Most of the men who answered my ad were at least ten years older than me.
As my friend Arlene used to say, “You haven’t had the good years with them.”
Frankly, they were too old for me. My family lives into their nineties. Mu favorite uncle died at 100. I decided I better live my life and not be burdened again with possible sickness of these older men who might not be as lucky.
I loved this quote -
“I’ve discovered ME and PERSONAL SPACE and FREEDOM.”
I feel the same way.
Being single has its advantages and disadvantages. It’s nice to be single because you can almost do/buy everything you want without asking permission to anyone. But the time will come that you’ll be lonely and you’ll hope that someone is there to take care of you.
Mitch you definitely right. I like the way you said it cos I think same way.