You’re done.  After much careful thought, you’ve ended the relationship.  You did it firmly, no nasty words, almost without emotion.  Maybe in person, perhaps by email or letter, but it is done.

If it was a physically abusive relationship, this is not the article you need to read.  That is a different horse.

This one probably went on for a long time and it was more like Chinese water torture.  Constant criticism, disapproval, disrespect.  You could never do anything right.  And the worst part about it is that you kept coming back for more.  Trying to please.  Looking for approval.   Like a puppy who keeps bounding back only to be slapped down again.

It could be the smallest trigger that ended it for you.  Almost a minor event but you finally had taken all you will take.  All of a sudden, this person was history.

The initial reaction is exhilaration.  Free at last!  Free at last!

Then, about a week later, a sadness comes in.  Did you act rashly?  Were you unkind?  Did you make a mistake? Funny how the victim blames themselves.

When a relationship ends it is like a death.  You are in mourning.  There is also some anger mixed in like what was wrong with you that you put up with it for so long.

You were not wrong in ending it.  But the absence of abuse leaves a hole in your life that you have not learned to fill.

You have more work to do.

Here are some suggestions.

1.  Don’t discuss it with your friends.  Rehashing it over and over brings back the abuse.  What you might consider, if you have not already done so, is see a therapist.  Not to justify your actions but perhaps to find out what is in your background that allowed you to put up with this for so long.  There are so many instances where people keep ending up with the same abusive person with a different name and face.  You don’t want to repeat this.

2.  Expect that there is this new space in your life that you will have to fill with other things.  But, you don’t have to do it immediately.  You need time to adjust to all this free time where you are not feeling unworthy.  Try not to plug the space with another person.  You have other friends.  See them.

3.  Treat yourself as a person with post traumatic stress disorder.  You are in a process of healing.  Go to bed an hour earlier every day.  Do not take on any extra responsibilities.  Just go about your normal routine – nothing more.

4.  Fill your extra time with some comfort.  When is the last time you had a massage?  A pedicure?  Go shopping and buy yourself a celebration gift.  Does not have to be expensive – just something you would enjoy seeing on your coffee table.  Buy flowers every week.  Just for you.  Not because you are entertaining.

5.  Keep a journal of how you feel every day.  Do not read it for a month.  You will see then how far you have come.

6.  Even the worst relationships have had some good moments.  Write about these in your journal.  There were some benefits.  It was not all wasted time.

Remind yourself that we learn more from our failures than our successes.

7.  Everyone will tell you to exercise.  You don’t feel like it.  But park your car further away from the supermarket.  Get off the bus the block before your stop.  A little activity can help you.

8.  Be prepared that the person you have broken with may not go away quietly.  Have a plan how you will react if they suddenly start calling, or writing or showing up or sending you cards and gifts.  Keep your plan.

You have taken a step in your life that is important.  Give yourself credit for it. 

The step is called self love.  Congratulations!  You have started to love yourself at last.

Companion article for your review

http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/peacefulness-a-goal-for-life/