You’re done. After much careful thought, you’ve ended the relationship. You did it firmly, no nasty words, almost without emotion. Maybe in person, perhaps by email or letter, but it is done.
If it was a physically abusive relationship, this is not the article you need to read. That is a different horse.
This one probably went on for a long time and it was more like Chinese water torture. Constant criticism, disapproval, disrespect. You could never do anything right. And the worst part about it is that you kept coming back for more. Trying to please. Looking for approval. Like a puppy who keeps bounding back only to be slapped down again.
It could be the smallest trigger that ended it for you. Almost a minor event but you finally had taken all you will take. All of a sudden, this person was history.
The initial reaction is exhilaration. Free at last! Free at last!
Then, about a week later, a sadness comes in. Did you act rashly? Were you unkind? Did you make a mistake? Funny how the victim blames themselves.
When a relationship ends it is like a death. You are in mourning. There is also some anger mixed in like what was wrong with you that you put up with it for so long.
You were not wrong in ending it. But the absence of abuse leaves a hole in your life that you have not learned to fill.
You have more work to do.
Here are some suggestions.
1. Don’t discuss it with your friends. Rehashing it over and over brings back the abuse. What you might consider, if you have not already done so, is see a therapist. Not to justify your actions but perhaps to find out what is in your background that allowed you to put up with this for so long. There are so many instances where people keep ending up with the same abusive person with a different name and face. You don’t want to repeat this.
2. Expect that there is this new space in your life that you will have to fill with other things. But, you don’t have to do it immediately. You need time to adjust to all this free time where you are not feeling unworthy. Try not to plug the space with another person. You have other friends. See them.
3. Treat yourself as a person with post traumatic stress disorder. You are in a process of healing. Go to bed an hour earlier every day. Do not take on any extra responsibilities. Just go about your normal routine – nothing more.
4. Fill your extra time with some comfort. When is the last time you had a massage? A pedicure? Go shopping and buy yourself a celebration gift. Does not have to be expensive – just something you would enjoy seeing on your coffee table. Buy flowers every week. Just for you. Not because you are entertaining.
5. Keep a journal of how you feel every day. Do not read it for a month. You will see then how far you have come.
6. Even the worst relationships have had some good moments. Write about these in your journal. There were some benefits. It was not all wasted time.
Remind yourself that we learn more from our failures than our successes.
7. Everyone will tell you to exercise. You don’t feel like it. But park your car further away from the supermarket. Get off the bus the block before your stop. A little activity can help you.
8. Be prepared that the person you have broken with may not go away quietly. Have a plan how you will react if they suddenly start calling, or writing or showing up or sending you cards and gifts. Keep your plan.
You have taken a step in your life that is important. Give yourself credit for it.
The step is called self love. Congratulations! You have started to love yourself at last.
Companion article for your review
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/peacefulness-a-goal-for-life/
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Hi Corinne,
What a great post. A close friend has just gone through this exact thing and I have found it so hard to help because my approach to relationships is so different. She has reacted exactly as you have described and it has helped me see it from her p.o.v. for the first time. Thank you. So glad I stumbled upon this
S.
You are so right Corinne – it is really self-love but this 8 step process truly feels like crap for a long time – I have just ended a 40 year relationship with a woman (former teacher) who held power over me since I was in the 6th grade- Imagine – anyone being that dumb enough to let that happen. I was always seeking her approval and it never came – but what did come after many years of “personal growth” was my own self approval and so I no longer needed to be someone’s whipping boy. (Wow was that a shock when I learned the real truth of our “friendship”.) It took years to build up enough guts to finally end it but only one nasty familiar sentence from her for me to really get it. The proverbial straw. Now NO ONE can disapprove of me – I simply don’t allow it. Your wise 8 steps are so right on – it is a death and should be treated as such but with death comes transformation and then resurrection and the symbolic Easter Sunday morning – after we allow ourselves to go through all these painful steps. It is not instant. It is a process. It’s like taking a painful thorn out of your side –
It may no longer be painful – but is is different – and that difference takes time to heal. And maybe more than you thought. Thank you Corinne. I love myself. And I love you.
Dear Simone -
That is a great and much respected comment coming from a wonderful writer and blogger like you!
Glad it helped!
Love,
Corinne
Dear Dorothy from Kansas -
Obviously you are now home. And there is “no place like home” when you find your self and your self-respect.
Sounds like you are in the throes of a successful healing!
Congratulations!
Love,
Corinne
This weekend I had a friend who just experienced a break-up, and I immediately send this article to her. So thanks again!
Dear Lucy -
Glad if it helped her. Tell her she will survive. There is not one of us who have not been through a bad breakup!
Thanks for stopping by!
Wow Corrine. Your article so reflects how I used to be. It took me a long time to learn the stuff you’ve written about, stumbling around on my own. I wish I had read this article at the beginning and I could have saved so much time and anguish.
Dear Karen -
You learned the same way I did. Stumbling around and taking the abuse – being “a good person.” Wasn’t that what we were taught?
But I also wish I had known earlier.
We know now!
I remember my first real date in the 8th grade. The guy tried to feel me up in the movie theater and I told him to stop. He “dumped” me and then a few days later, I was kicking myself for not letting him take advantage. I can look back on it now and feel compassion for that girl who feared she’d never find someone to love her for herself.
Great post, Corinne! Too bad the Internet and your words of wisdom in blog form weren’t around 20 years ago.
Dear Travel Betty -
Too bad that I didn’t have the words of wisdom twenty years ago either! I could have used them too.
But, we know now – and that’s all that counts!
I enjoy reading your articles, they are always clear and with lots of wisdom.
You are right – they don’t go away easily. The letters keep coming and I keep putting them in the garbage. It is a process and not an event with ending these long term relationships and friendships. Just go away!!! Thanks for your wisdom. You must have been really paying attention when you interviewed those 400 personal growth authors!!! Why don’t you put some of interviews on your site. Wisdom is ageless. Like you.
Dear Florence.
You might consider marking the letters “Return to sender.”
No. Some people do not take the rejection well. I am sorry about that.
Breaking up is a hard thing for anyone, especially if it’s a relationship that lasted more than 2 years. Overcoming an ex is easier said than done but getting back with your ex is actually easier than it sounds. For more information on how to get back with your ex visit:
http://www.squidoo.com/winexback
This eight steps for healing after breaking up is just a really great thing to read to because you can really pause for a while and think for what you’ve been through before breaking up..
.-= Relationship break up advice´s last blog ..Relationship Break Up Advice Blog: There are 50 ways to leave your lover – Including online…Part two =-.
This is a great post. I love the warm feeling that runs through your suggestions. Particularly #4 – Fill your extra time with some comfort.
Thats a great way of expressing that you should take extra special care of yourself. I think that’s important. We should all do that even if we are not going through a relationship break up.
.-= Relationship Break´s last blog ..5 Ways to Fix a Relationship Break =-.
I agree – we don’t often pamper ourselves and who deserves it more?
I appreciate your reminding me of my own advice.
I am going out to buy myself some flowers today. Haven’t lately. Into frugality. But I would not hesitate to buy some for a friend.
Time to be my own good friend.
Now NO ONE can disapprove of me – I simply don’t allow it. Your wise 8 steps are so right on – it is a death and should be treated as such but with death comes transformation and then resurrection and the symbolic Easter Sunday morning – after we allow ourselves to go through all these painful steps. It is not instant. It is a process. It’s like taking a painful thorn out of your side –
I like your thoughts so much. Being in love with yourself is really amazing feelings and having so much credit by yourself is not a bad idea. I have also passed through this bad situations but I have applied same way and now a days I m so much stable person.
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