REFLECTIONS FROM A SINGLE WOMAN

This is about women. Single women who are also perhaps mothers, friends, credit card jugglers, car-poolers, entrepreneurs, lovers, workers, gardeners, even grandmothers.

 In short—a person trying to be everything to everybody and still have a life.

 I know there are some serenely, happily coupled women out there who do all the same things, and if you are one of them, I don’t want to exclude you. You never know when you might need a reference guide to what it’s really like out there as a single woman. And – male readers? Sure. Come along. It wouldn’t hurt for you to learn something about how women really think.

But this is about us. The ones who talk self-sufficiency but are furtively casting about for that guy who will defend the entrance to our cave. With all of our bravado, we are still whistling in the dark to keep ourselves safe. And no matter how successful we are, how many clothes we collect, how many pedicures we pay for, how many trips we take, how “interesting” our jobs, we cringe when we hear the question, “Are you seeing anyone?”

The secret is that we feel deficient without a man. We are apologetic to our families for being single . . . We give reasons and excuses to our friends . . . (there’s NOBODY out there) and we put pieces of our life on hold until “he” comes along. I wasn’t that aware of how prevalent this is until my husband died. I had been married for quite a while.

The inspirational books we read send a thunderous message. Nothing and no one outside ourselves can save us. Not even a soul mate. Serenity and peace cannot be found except in our own hearts. I believe that realization is our ultimate target. But most of us are not there yet. Glimpses—even epiphanies come and then seem to vanish on this roller coaster ride we signed up for. However, in between the hair pin turns and the high sky dives, it’s helpful to know where we are going.

If there is one message for us, it is this: The most powerful instrument women have is our intuitive talent for nurturing, whether in our homes or our businesses. We must broaden our vistas to include more women with our support. We need to help each other more. This is not a rally to exclude men. Bless them. We need them. But we could steal a page or two from their ol’ boy network manual.

Our experience can support a new mother who is determined to nurse a baby successfully Our wisdom can reach out to mentor a woman who is challenged with a personal or career decisions. A favor done at just the right time can make all the difference. In many instances, it is enough to just be there and listen. The best thing about talking to girlfriends is that we permit each other’s difficulties to remain unsolved. Even if we say, “Quit that job” or “Get rid of that jerk,” we allow each other the option of taking no action on a problem at this time. Ultimately, we know what to do. We appreciate direction but don’t need advice. We just need someone to hear us out..

So now, after saying that, I am going to give you some advice. No matter what your situation this minute, it is possible to survive whatever heartbreak and loneliness you are feeling today. What they say about time healing wounds is true. But how much time is involved is up to you and not some psychological calendar. It takes as long as it takes. You can’t hurry it. Don’t let anyone tell you when.

And if there is a right person—a soul mate—I think he will show up for us at the perfect time, which is somehow not determined by us. We just have to follow our intuition and be alert to what is around the next bend on the roller coaster. Neale Donald Walsch, in his beautiful book, Conversations with God, recounts that the most important question we can ask in any situation is “What would love do now?” I have those words taped on my computer screen. That guidance holds up under most circumstances. Remember to include your own happiness and welfare when you answer that question.

 You may find some of yourself here. I hope it will make you know you are not alone. My mother’s favorite expression was, “In the light of all Eternity, most things don’t matter.” She was probably right but it sure feels important today. I’d like to add something. Even if that is true, go for the gold anyway! Every way you can. And everyday. Because we are beautiful, extraordinary women—with or without a man. And we have a unique contribution to make—to ourselves and to our world.