There are times in life when a good dose of restraint goes a long way in saving relationships — both with yourself and others.
Last week I had a conversation with a friend who received an email that made her angry. Fortunately, she had the good sense to call me before firing back a response. As we talked about the situation (a colleague had seemingly taken credit for her idea), I suggested that restraint might be a wise choice in handling the situation. Before she confronted this colleague with an accusation of betrayal, she needed to step back, regain her composure, and think clearly about how best to respond.
We’ve all had similar experiences — your boss says something stupid to you in front of co-workers and you get so angry that you storm out of the room. Or you find yourself in the middle of the same old argument with
your son or daughter and you hear yourself saying foolish things that you know you’ll later regret.
These are the times when restraint can be a valuable tool — one that saves energy and a whole lot of hurt feelings.
Every day we’re faced with situations that would benefit from a little restraint. You simply need to notice the clues.
For example, you’ll know that restraint is a wise choice when:
~*~ You feel so charged you can’t think clearly.
~*~ You feel like screaming.
~*~ Your emotional reaction feels bigger than what the current situation
warrants.
~*~ It feels like an overpowering energy is coursing through your veins and you feel *compelled* to react.
~*~ You feel so angry that you know there’s a good chance you’ll say something mean or stupid that you’ll regret later on.
We all get our buttons pushed. It’s just a part of life. But growth lies in our ability to make better choices. Here are a few things you can do to insure that you take good care of yourself and others:
1. Close your eyes and breathe. When you’re caught off guard, your body’s fight or flight system gets activated and it’s as though all systems suddenly go on red alert. This means you’re now operating in survivor mode — not conducive to making wise, thoughtful choices. By
closing your eyes and taking several slow, deep breaths, you’ll immediately cause your brain to begin making alpha waves, the kind of brain wave patterns that gently calm you down.
2. Find a safe person to vent to about the situation. “Safe” is the operative word here. Be sure to choose someone who can listen well so you’re able to process your feelings. Don’t choose someone who simply fuels the drama by egging you on with their opinions of how you’ve been wronged.
3. Get more information. Before you confront the other person with your assumptions, ask questions. For example, if an email pushed your buttons, ask the sender what he or she intended to communicate.
By now most of us know that we miss the nuances and tone of a person’s message when we communicate via email. Make sure you have the facts before accusing someone of a damaging act.
When my friend, who was angry with her colleague for taking her idea, calmed down and inquired about what
happened, she discovered that, in fact, her idea hadn’t been taken at all.
Her name had mistakenly been left out of a document.
4. Have a sane conversation with the person involved. Be sure to speak from the “I” position and simply let him or her know how you feel and what you need. If the connection is important, you might even start your
exchange by acknowledging the value of your relationship first.
The next time you find yourself in overreaction mode, practice restraint.
By choosing to step back and put some space between you and an immediate response, you not only protect your relationships, you preserve your self-respect.
~*~ Take Action Challenge ~*~
This week, catch yourself before you overreact or impulsively respond to something that pushes your buttons. Instead, step back, take a deep breath and consider using one of the steps above. For example, if you
find yourself in an argument with a spouse or partner, ask for a time out to regroup and calm down.
If a co-worker does something that makes you angry, don’t get caught up in any drama. Instead, find someone reasonable to discuss the situation with before you respond.
Be wise. Honor yourself and your relationships by using a little restraint.
Life Makeover for the Year 2006(sm) is written and produced by Cheryl Richardson. © Copyright 1999-2007 Cheryl Richardson, P.O. Box 13, Newburyport, MA 01950, www.cherylrichardson.com. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
