One of our most important goals in life is peacefulness.  A feeling of safety, of contentment – of connectedness.

This is the feeling that comes, sometimes by accident, on a lovely spring day, or in a silent house on a Sunday morning when your family is still asleep, or late at night when you take your dog out for a walk. 

We are entitled to this peace.

It involves self-love, valuing ourselves and our serenity.  Caring about ourselves.  Yes, us.  Not only the kids, the job, our friends, our family.

It might involve what we have been led to believe is letting other people down.

It is a difficult concept because all we have heard from birth is not to be selfish. To do for others.  And to live up to what “they” may say about us.

“They” have been a motivating factor in many decisions we have made, including big ones, like what professions we should have, how much money is considered acceptable, what kind of a house we should have and even who is a suitable person to marry.

Even vacations have a place in this.  The right place to travel this year. How to be an effective parent. And let’s not forget fashion victimization.  What’s in?  What’s out?  Pick up any magazine, newspaper and even the Internet and you will be told what to do about everything.

No one tells us that our responsibility is to be happy and peaceful.  We have been told that hard work, perspiration, determination and sacrifice will make our tomorrows wonderful – when all we have is today.

This moment.  And, while you are reading this, it is already passing.  This moment will never come back again.

Easier said, you say.  You don’t have my problems with my spouse, my children, my job, my family.  I agree. There are things in our lives that are not easily resolved.

Let’s start elsewhere.  With the people we have attracted into our lives – troublesome ones, most specifically the ones who drain our very souls with responsibility.  The ones “they” have always told us were our responsibility. The energy zappers.

My mother, with her Irish wisdom, used to say. “There is a difference between a person who has trouble and a person who is trouble.”

These are the peace destroyers.  The ones who “are trouble” and hang on you and hang on you and never seem to make any good decisions or progress with their problems.  The ones you have tried and failed to help.  The ones you may not be responsible for, after all.

It sounds harsh.  You are a good person and you have been trained to help.

Perhaps it is time for them to go.  For you to cut the bonds that bind you.

These people are contaminating your life.  You know who they are.  Your sister who claims to “love humanity” but hates most people.  Your friend who goes from therapist to therapist  and calls you in the middle of the night threatening suicide if you don’t come over right now.

Even the ones who seem most benign because they have the “vaguely discontents.”  They are just down on the entire world and consider themselves victims.  These people drain you.

It is hard to be peaceful if they are in your life.  You have enough going on with your own core close obligations.

Here is a quirky example of self love.  Actually, I hate this story.  But it is a practical example.

A few years ago, the city was widening a highway near my house.  As a result of blasting, many thousands of mice were homeless.  They flooded the homes in my area.  They marched in cadence in my house.  I swear one of them had a flag!

Desperately, I called the exterminators who explained in detail how they would get rid of them.  I was shocked at the process of poisons and sticky boards and said this was too inhumane.  I said surely there was a better way.

The exterminator patiently explained that there were too many mice to set humane traps.  We were overrun with them.

Then, he added, “But, lady, if you like mice, just open your doors and let some more in!”

They got rid of the mice.

These draining, difficult people may not belong in your house.  We could try detaching emotionally.  Perhaps not cut them out entirely.

But, if that does not work, it could be we have to use the strong measures.  I guarantee you they have someone else on their list in second place they will immediately tap into instead of you.

We ask ourselves, “Why don’t they just take our advice and change?”

 Because no one changes until they are ready.  You never know.  The trigger for them could be your disconnecting from them.  You may be doing them the biggest favor of their lives.

We can continue to love these people.  Include them in our prayers.  We can love without becoming entangled in the details of their lives.

But it is time to get our thinking straight.  To know the fine line between helping, being kind and supportive, and being submerged.

We can help.  Steady.  But, we do not carry.  Not for too long.  Carrying is God’s job.  Not ours.

Our goal is peacefulness. It is our center.  It is our beginning.  It is where we start.