“He said he still loved me but he was not “in love” with me anymore.”
The house was listed for sale and we were looking for a new place, when he sent me an email telling me he wanted a divorce. Can you imagine? An email!
She was 30. Beautiful, smart, skinny, hip and “only his business assistant.” I’ve always been suspicious of the relationship. A woman always knows.
I was 50. Just a little overweight – but what do you expect after six children and catching food on the fly as I drove the kids to all their activities in the suburbs? A typical hockey mom who needed a haircut and who did not have “manicure and pedicure please” in her vocabulary.”
“We had been married 25 years and I had gone through all the bad times with him. Now, he was at the top of his game. Powerful, rich and still very attractive.
He was out of town. I called him immediately to see if this was some kind of a sick joke. He said he needed a change.
Obviously, the only antidote for this news is suicide.
NO.
We have no time for that kind of thinking. No one is worth your health or your life. No one. And if you think this will bring him back – you are wrong. He has probably already made up his mind.
It also gives him a wonderful excuse. Who could stay with such a “crazy lady?” You are not a crazy lady. Your strength at this point is he knows you very well and will underestimate your capability of playing hardball.
But you must. In spite of the SHOCK – there must be a stronger word but it will have to do – you have to act immediately. Speed is important.
Here is your initial plan.
You go to the bank. Go to your broker. Get certified checks – not cashiers – for half of any liquid assets available that include your name and have them made out to you. If anyone questions you, tell them it is for a real estate closing.
Then, you go to a different bank, open a new account in your name alone and deposit the checks.
Why?
Because men use money to control. And you don’t want to have start begging for money for groceries and your kid’s school trip. You think your husband would never do this to you, but they do.
If the accounts are drained, you need to get an attorney immediately.
He doesn’t think you would do this. Just do it.
Next you go into his home office. All of his IRS, bank statements, stock market statements will probably be neatly stored. He does not give you credit for being clever so they are probably there.
If the drawers are locked, call a locksmith. You lost the keys.
Put all the records into a garbage bag and have everything copied. Every piece of financial paper you can find. Information on pensions, contracts with his employer. Take these copies to your mother’s house or your best friend’s and put them in their basement. Return his records to his files.
Sure, you can get these later but your having these records will save time and money later because your attorney will not have to subpoena for them. Attorneys charge you by the minute not the case.
You are not allowed the luxury of having a nervous breakdown yet. There is more to do.
Look at your credit cards. Are they in your name or are you a signature on your husband’s account? If you are, call the credit card companies and have them issue cards in your individual name. Tell them it is easier for you when a store asks for an ID. Pay extra for FEDEX to get the cards immediately.
Next. Stay with me. I know this is hard.
You have several friends who have been divorced. Call them up. You don’t have to tell them this is for you. You want the names of the top divorce attorneys in the city – maybe for a good friend of yours. They may have been the lawyers who represented their former husbands. Gather three or four names and call their offices and make an appointment to see them. Right away. Divorce attorneys may not charge for an initial visit. If they do, pay the consultant fee. Your future is at stake.
It could also prevent your husband from using these top lawyers because they will now have a “conflict of interest.”
Listen to your intuitive gut. You will get a feeling of who you can work with in the future if you need to. This could be a long, drawn out process so you want someone you like – someone you feel is capable of protecting you and your children financially. You don’t have to hire anyone just yet but make a preliminary decision. It will make you feel more powerful and you need this now.
This is not a good time for you to move – so if your house or condo is for sale, cancel the listing.
Things are too unsettled right now to consider or even make a good decision on where you might want to live in the future.
Keep things status quo for you and your children at this time. You need to maintain a stable environment. Everything else in your life is going up in flames.
OK. You can fall apart for now. You have done some tough work. Work out of your comfort zone.
The fireworks are about to begin.
At some point, there will be a meeting. Perhaps he will have second thoughts. Maybe even agree to marriage counseling. And, who knows? Maybe even reconciliation. For a moment or a while. Do the best you can with what is for now.
Even if the counseling doesn’t work, the therapist could act as a mediator in an eventual divorce and help you and your family to adjust to this radical new situation. In addition to a couple’s therapist, get one of your own. You need someone to talk to besides your mother, sister or friends.
In any event, don’t back off from the actions you have taken financially until you have a bullet proof legal agreement.
One cardinal rule.
Do not bad mouth this man to your children. It is tempting but it will hurt them. And it will not help you. They will have their own angry feelings, maybe even blame you, and you don’t want to add to that by tearing them apart by choosing sides. He is their father and hopefully, will continue to act as such.
Now, stop. Let time pass
Your inclination is to sit in your chair and stare at the ceiling. And that is okay. You feel as though your life has ended and although it has not, no one will be able to convince you of that just now.
Try to force yourself to get up and do something. Even if it is just walking to the corner to mail a letter. It doesn’t have to be a lot right away. But, be kind to yourself. You have post traumatic stress disorder.
Fortunately, you have to take care of your family which will force you into some semblance of activity. You have to shop, feed them and do the laundry.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross, in her many books, talks about the five stages of grief.
Denial. “This can’t be happening to me.” Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
Anger. “Why me?” Wanting to attack or get even. Lots of blame.
Bargaining. Trying to make deals with the spouse who is leaving. Making deals with God. Begging. Wishing. Praying that he will come home.
Depression. Feelings of hopelessness. Mourning the future you will not have now.
Acceptance. Not resignation. Just realizing that it has happened.
You need help with all these stages. Get it. It not seem possible but you will survive. Healing will come.
Don’t let anyone tell you when it will happen. You have your own time frame.
And one day, you may meet someone who loves you and is “in love” with you too.
Disclaimer: Please note that this article is the sole opinion of the author who is not an attorney. Please consult your own legal counsel.
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A Woman Without A Man - Forward by James Kavanaugh
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Twitter: makegirlfriends
October 3, 2010 at 6:54 am
Corinne,
Great post and great advice my friend! All those stages will come along but it’s important that you have a great counselor or friend to talk to and make sense out of it all. Sometimes, it just doesn’t make sense!
BFF,
Nancy
Twitter: miraclady
October 3, 2010 at 9:30 am
Dear Nancy -
I don’t know why – maybe denial – but most women I have talked to who have had this happen -
NEVER SAW IT COMING.
The first thing is to get over the shock. Friends may be helpful but my experience is that they give too much advice and confuse you even more.
A trained therapist is definitely the way to go. You need to be listened to carefully and guided gently.
It doesn’t make sense, as you said – how could it?
Twitter: MichelleVan
October 4, 2010 at 9:44 am
The most important part of this post is to convey that you have to be PROACTIVE. There is no time for crying or being a victim.. yet. I agree. get a good lawyer!
Twitter: miraclady
October 4, 2010 at 10:55 am
Yes, speed is important, Michelle.
Most of these men do not expect it from their pretty unsophisticated wives.
It is not in their DNA but they have to protect themselves. These things can get pretty ugly.
Divorce is incredibly horrible and hard on everyone involved but especially the children. I can’t tell you how many times in counseling I have heard people say that they will “protect” the children. The truth is, there is no way to fully protect the children in a divorce. You comment to not talk about to the children about the spouse is solid advice. As they age, the children will discover on their own the truth of why he left. If you try to make him look bad you will fail and the children will begin to hold you to blame.
The home must be a place of stability for the children. Love them and let them know they are safe and secure.
.-= Bryant´s last blog ..Church of Christ Music- What’s the Big Deal About a Piano Anyway =-.
Twitter: miraclady
October 4, 2010 at 10:52 am
Dear Bryant -
It is so tempting for women in a state of extreme trauma to bad mouth their spouse.
They want to hurt him but they end up doing terrible damage to their children.
Thank you for pointing that out again.
It is so important.
I try to get women who are just having a little trouble to do this. Get your own checking account, your own credit cards and your own law firm. Even if you never divorce, your husband could have a heart attack or get hurt climbing mountains in nepal or get killed in a crash. You need to know how to stand on your own two legal and financial feet. Personally, I think unless you have a legal agreement other than your marriage, you should never allow the partner to be the sole control of the money. I don’t do it in business and you shouldn’t in marriage either. It is not wise at all! The person with the money always exercises more control and authority over the “business” and thinks they can make business decisions without consultations. One of those decisions is to involve another “partner”. People are always surprised when this happens but it almost always happens in those situations. “No hair cut, manicure, overweight and poor wardrobe” = low paid live-in personal assistant and babysitter, not your lover.
.-= Bruce´s last blog ..Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-10-03 =-.
Twitter: miraclady
October 6, 2010 at 9:33 am
Dear Bruce -
I ran into this all the time when I had a travel agency. A widow would want to buy a ticket to visit a friend and the credit card had been canceled.
It comes down to this.
Every woman should have money in her own name. Bank accounts, credit cards – even some cash.
And your point about keeping yourself up is well taken. Although I must admit, I do not get dressed up to go to my local supermarket. Actually, it is not in such a good neighborhood, so I am more than well dressed.
My mother always looked nice when she went to pick my father up at the train.
He left her for his 18 year old secretary. After over 20 years.
Can’t win sometimes with these cheating guys.
Hello Corrine
The intensity of this post is harsh to read. It’s a harsh look into what happens to women in marriages where communication has broken down. Unfortunately it is still a time to take action, take your power back and protect the children.
I can’t imagine going through this however, if I had to and I was wrecked emotionally and couldn’t think and someone handed me your post…I would be grateful…definetly retweeted
hugs and high fives
Vickie
.-= vickie´s last blog ..How I Transitioned from Employee to Entrepreneur Part 1 =-.
Twitter: miraclady
October 6, 2010 at 9:40 am
Yes, Vickie – this post is harsh. I intended it to be educational. I think it is.
We bloggers have an obligation to pass on information we have acquired other than just being nicey-nice.
We always think it can never happen here. And this can also be intended for men to read. There are also unscrupulous women out there.
See my answer to Bruce. Have money on the side. His point that you can lose a partner other ways other than a cheater is important.
Hope you never need to use this. But you have it now. Pass it on.
Someone you know needs to read it.
Great list Corinne. I shudder that women have to think about this (and pray I never do), but I’m glad you’ve got it out there to help get things going in this kind of crisis.
.-= Amy LeForge´s last blog ..FFYF- The Boy Can Spell Edition =-.
Twitter: miraclady
October 6, 2010 at 9:45 am
Dear Amy -
I also pray you never have to use it. You probably won’t.
I have a lot of life experience and also have acquired it from my life coach clients in the past 20 years.
This is a true story here. I did not make it up. (Slightly altered to protect privacy)
This woman did not do these things. So I wrote what she should have done for other women to read.
Great tips Corinne. I know a woman who didn’t take actions you listed because she was a kind of person who likes being sad and taken care of by kind people around her. She also didn’t want to hurt her ex-partner in any ways. She now says she should have done right things at that time, which I agree. Detailed list like this will help women in the similar situation. I can pass this post to them. Thanks for a good post.
.-= Lifestyle Lift Journey´s last blog ..Healthier option – Choosing your vegetables to grow =-.
Twitter: miraclady
October 6, 2010 at 9:49 am
Dear Lifestyle Lift -
Thanks for weighing in here. Please come back to visit.
We were taught to be “nice” And I think it is right to trust people. But I have seen too many cases where a woman and her family have not received a fair settlement.
Mostly because the husband tied up the top lawyers by consulting them. They had to settle for an attorney who would not play hardball.
Yes, please pass it on.
Twitter: joubess
November 10, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Corinne,
Excellent advice! Been there, done that. It wasn’t easy, but I was the one in charge of the money at home, so I had all this stuff taken care of (except the attorney) long before the divorce. I didn’t do it in a vacuum either. He was well informed about everything. Splitting up money and other financial things wasn’t a problem.
My son was 3.5 at the time and it was tougher on him than anyone else, but we worked hard to put him first and it worked out pretty well. I also got him counseling.
I feel sorry for women who leave everything to husbands or partners in today’s world. I’m also a little peeved with them. Why is it one person’s responsibility to handle everything financial and the other person’s responsibility to take care of the house and children? Even if you divide the work, the other should always be up-to-date enough to step in and take care of the other partner’s responsibilities. Emergencies of all kinds happen and this is one way to be prepared that really counts.
Marriages and partnerships are supposed to be equal and supportive. Strict gender roles no longer apply to the majority of couples today. If you leave certain things totally up to your spouse without any knowledge of what he or she is doing, I feel like you are overburdening them, and they have the ability to take advantage of you. It’s a lose-lose situation.
If you have kids younger than 18, every effort should be made to solve your problems and stay together. Not just for the kids, but because the kids suffer the most if you split. I don’t recommend staying together (without solving everything and reconciling) just for the children because they will grow up in a much more dysfunctional family than if you split up and work good parenting out from separate households.
The only thing I would add is get an attorney who specializes in family law if you have children involved or you were a stay-at-home partner.
If it’s just the two of you and you both work and earn pretty equally, you might be able to use an arbitrator instead of lawyers and court. It depends on your situation, but first, always protect yourself.
Twitter: miraclady
November 10, 2010 at 6:44 pm
I m sure, knowing you, that when your relationship ended, you were entirely fair.
You were probably in charge so your former husband was lucky.
Twitter: joubess
November 10, 2010 at 9:10 pm
You’re right, Corinne.
Our divorce was pretty straight forward. Neither of us wanted to take advantage of the other. One value we share is fairness. He didn’t leave for a younger woman. We couldn’t work out our problems and felt it better to split up and focus on being good parents to our son.
He’s a good guy even though he wasn’t the right one for me. He’s never missed a single child support payment, and he sees his son as often as a teenager is willing to visit away from his friends. They also talk on the phone pretty regularly.
When he bad-mouths his dad, I stop him and tell him he may not like something, but his dad has his best interests at heart and is doing what he’s doing because he cares. Then I remind him I do the same. He doesn’t like what I require often enough and he puts his ire in perspective. By making him respect his dad, it keeps him respecting me as a parent as well.
When our son was little, he spent equal time with both of us. When he started school, he spent weekends with his dad and we split holidays. We even tried to be in the same areas for Christmas and Thanksgiving so he could see both sides of the family. If one of us had special plans that interfered with the schedule, we were flexible.
Our families are fortunately split between south Louisiana and Dallas. We make sure our son sees the other parent’s family if we go to Dallas when the other is staying home. I still have a good relationship with my ex’s mom and some cousins. We stay in touch.
I’m one of the very lucky divorced moms I know or have heard of.
Twitter: miraclady
November 11, 2010 at 6:41 am
Dear Sherri -
Seems like you and your husband – and even your son – could be poster children for making a separation work.
This story is a great example on how to do that and not let anyone get hurt.
Great article to read! I will read more after doing my bridge engineering
My advice is to ask him what he wants to do. Like, in a dream world, would he magically fall in love with you again? Would he move into his own place and be your friend? Even a maybe-depressed person can fantasize.
Believe me, I am a great salesman. Nothing worked. It took me a while to believe him. Wasted a lot of time