There is a terrible rift in your family.  It may have happened a long time ago.

Trouble is that you and the person who have had the disagreement are part of a larger picture.  It usually involves the entire family where you don’t go to certain social events and neither does your adversary.  You each check carefully to see if the other one is going to be there.

It is uncomfortable for everyone because no one wants to take sides.

It involves three things.

1.  Your reason for the disagreement

2.  His or her reason for the disagreement

 

3.  The real reason for the disagreement.

The real reason usually involves something else that was going on at the time.

One of you or both of you were under extraordinary stress.  At a time like that, feelings run very high and you both have a very low trigger point.  It escalated whatever was going on at the time.

So, now it continues to be an impasse.

You think the other person does not care.  It is probably not true.  No matter how heartless you think they are, they care.  They are suffering just like you are.

Unfortunately, one of you may have written a very damaging letter or sent an email.  There is no use in regretting this because you cannot take it back.  And you have spent a lot of your time defending your action in your mind. You have a great investment in being right.

A Course in Miracles has a great quote that fits here.

“Would you rather be right or happy?”  Of course, we would rather be both but sometimes it is not possible.

This breakdown is hard to undo but it is worth a try.  If you are willing to be the one to initiate it.  If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the rest of your family.

You may not want to say, “I’m sorry.”  That might be too hard.  But can you say, “I’m sorry this happened between us?” 

I would not suggest a phone call or ask for a meeting.  Tempers might flare up right away and do more harm than good.

A letter would be a good way to start.  Not an email because they might just delete it if they see it is from you.

Usually, people will open a letter.  And after reading it, might give it some thought.  Don’t expect an answer right away.

Make it short.  Don’t rehash.

I don’t know your situation but it could be something like this.

Dear —– 

It has been ——years since we had a disagreement.  I have missed seeing you and your family.  At the time it happened, we were both under terrible stress and I think that was the underlying cause of the harsh words between us.

I am writing this to see if we can possibly repair this damage.  I don’t know how to do this except to say that I am so sorry that this happened. 

Is there a way we could wipe the old slate clean and start over as though it never happened? Please think it over and answer when you can.  Take your time. We are getting older and I don’t want my life and my family to continue without you and your family. 

We all need each other.

I have never stopped caring about you. 

The stakes are high.  You have taken many risks in your life.  The worst thing that can happen is that he or she will not answer.  In the meantime, you will be consoled that you have made the right decision to heal your family.

Can you make the first move?  Can you be this big?

Can you take this risk?