We are becoming afraid to talk to strangers in our everyday life. Every newscast on television gives a new picture of an assault on an innocent person.
We don’t want to take the chance of being the new victim. We are becoming isolated.
Except for my friend, Arlene. We have teased her for years that every time she gets on a plane, a train or even a bus, she makes a “new best friend.”
And not just a fleeting friend. They stay in touch, by email, telephone, visits - sometimes from thousands of miles away.
Arlene talks to people. Her specialty is “making matches” for the younger ones but she does not limit herself. She has helped musicians get audiences, entrepreneurs get customers – or just listens to people who need an ear.
No one fazes her. Once, while waiting in a doctor’s office, she met Yul Brynner. It would intimidate most people to approach this formidable person. Not Arlene. I am sure she did not ask for his autograph. She probably asked how he was feeling and if he liked this doctor with whom she also had an appointment. He invited her and her son to come back stage when he was doing a final The King and I tour.
What is her secret?
One of her more cynical friends summed it up with this criticism.
She said, “The trouble with you, Arlene, is you can find something good about everyone.”
I want to reassure you that she does not make friends in dangerous back alleys. You are not likely to find her there anyway. She just talks to people she meets in public places. Safe places.
We have become afraid of each other. Suspicious. Not that we should take crazy chances – but have people become, in our minds, guilty and have to prove themselves innocent for us to have a casual conversation?
The bad news we see on TV are isolated incidents. Good news is no news so we don’t hear about ordinary, friendly people like Arlene or the millions who lead good and productive lives who would welcome and appreciate a nice conversation with us.
I am sad to tell you that Arlene is now critically ill with cancer. The prognosis is not good.
But her “new best friends” from all over are rallying around her. Flying in from foreign cities. Dropping in. Making chicken soup. Calling her. Supporting her. Loving her.
I wonder if she knows what a big hole she will leave in our Universe when she finally leaves to a better place.
And who will take her over her job?
It could be me. It could be you.
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I do the same thing – I talk to everyone. But I was raised that way and I bet you and Arlene were too. Our “kids” – 40 and under were raised with fear and suspicion … TV. movies, those god-awful video games. I don’t know the answer except to keep talking pleasantly to people you meet in elevators, cabs, coffee shops. What is sadder than a Starbuck’s where everyone is sitting alone on their computers hiding and pretending they are busy. I say off with the cell phones for a week and see what happens.
You could fill her shoes! I can just imagine you reaching out and talking to people especially since you have a strong background in television and interviewing others.
It’s funny you would write this srticle because after giving a presentation to a group of consultants this morning, I decided to go to the gym, since I was feeling the natural “high” (which I usually get after giving a good talk).
When I got to the gym, I decided to take the elevator up and there was a guy there waiting for it. He was not at all friendly – sort of macho with a bad sense of energy around him. Both of us stepped in the elevator and I debated whether or not to be the first to say hi (which I usually do when I’m feeling really good, which I was this morning).
But as we rode up to the gym, neither of us said a word. I hardly looked at him.
After I stepped out, I asked myself, “Why didn’t you say something? A hello?”
In retrospect, I think I was picking up his energy which I allowed to interfere with my ability to pentrate through his energy (whatever it was) and simply say Hi. I’ve done it numerous times with great results, but not today.
Hmmmmm……..so you may be on to something here. People are either afraid or they react the way they feel they’re being treated.
Interesting subject – sorry to hear about Arlene though. She will certainly leave a HUGE hole. Indeed. The Lord must be eager to have this beautiful being of light back home now that she’s done her earthly work.
Dear Grace -
Yes, I do believe that you talk to EVERYONE! And that they love it.
It could be, as you said, just a cheerful hello in an elevator, or asking a cabbie how his day went.
Yeah, we need a vacation from cell phones!
It’s up to us to make this place a friendlier world!
Dear Stephen -
Yes, I do admit that Arlene has taught me a lot about connecting with strangers.
But she is the headmistress of the charm school. No one can resist her beautiful open face and great smile.
This was a lovely thought.
“The Lord must be eager to have this beautiful being of light back home now that she’s done her earthly work”.
We are not rushing her off however. We need her here for as long as possible.
Dear Corinne,
What a sincerely informative article about a lovely woman and how she affects people with her style and grace just with hello . I am fortunate to be one of those friends and have seen Arlene in action…she is enchanting and all those who meet her succumb to her charm and most importantly find a dedicated friend.Her life circle is comparable with Jupiter!
Having that capability to just say hello and speak with strangers is such a wonderful thing….I think that it is one of the most giving gestures that we can do; to open and present ourselves just as we are at that moment to complete strangers and connect the human chain of life. In just giving & sharing those few moments of truth one can strongly affect someone in a very profound way.
I am lucky that I have several other friends, Cathy and Marie who also always have a smile and always say hello to strangers in very similar circumstances. I so admire that quality in people and hope that I emulate that kind characteristic.
Dear Sandra -
As one of Arlene’s dearest friends, I thank you for adding to the conversation.
Besides, you are the CHICKEN SOUP QUEEN I mentioned!
We love arlene. When she would come to NYC Arlene would “squeeze us” in to her
busy schedule and we felt honored for her to do so.
Tutorial describes Arlene very well. Yes, our friendship goes back over 60 years and we wish her well. With much love, Pearl and Harold
Dear Harold and Pearl -
I have never met you but everything I have ever heard from Arlene or her sister Harriet has been that you are loving and devoted family – and friends!
Thanks for signing in here on my blog. I am sure Arlene will enjoy reading your comment and returns your loving thoughts.
Twitter: patriciasinglet
March 10, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Corinne, thanks for sharing this story. We all need people like your friend Arline in our lives. Why don’t each of us who has read or will read this article make a point to be more like Arline as we go about our daily lives. You never know what a simple smile can mean to another person. Looking for the good in others is a great way to live your life.
Corinne – enjoyed the tutorial about Arlene. One of the major highlights of my visits to you each year was the luncheon date with you and Arlene. She would immediately greet me with a big hug and then tell me how beautiful I was when SHE was the beautiful one and probably the most charming woman I have ever met.
If you are reading this Arlene, I love you.
June
My brother is exactly like Arlene. I always worried that people would take advantage of him. When he had a terrible accident a decade ago, I realized I worried for nothing. I was amazed at the way people rallied around him and still do. I learned a lesson from him and I hope people have learned a lesson from Arlene.
Yes, Patricia, it is a good way to lead our lives. I could go on and on about Arlene. She is my best friend.
She is always the first one to give a compliment! You can see what June said.
I have never heard a bad remark from anyone about her.
Those were fun lunches, June.
Her biggest disappointment was that she never made a “match” for me.
I remember one day we were walking out of her building. There was a Bentley parked out in front.
We had walked about 50 feet and she said, “Just wait a minute.”
You said,
“Where is she going?”
I answered, “She’s going to find out who owns that Bentley.”
Sure enough, she came back to tell us. “He’s married.”
Dear Sandi -
Your brother sounds like a wonderful person. People like him and Arlene are rare in this world and are to be cherished!
I hope he is well and fully recovered now.
Dear Corinne,
Your website is a godsend – truly an act of kindness to us all! Thank you for letting us have room for reflection.
As Arlene’s niece, I feel honored to be one of her family members! She is a lovely soul with one of the most open hearts on this planet! No one is perfect, but she is close. I don’t know where or how to begin to even reflect on Arlene’s magical ability to connect with people. She embodies compassion and unconditional acceptance for most everyone she comes in contact with – she has qualities that all human beings have, but don’t access.
I have learned so much from my dear aunt…and by the way…Stevie matched up my husband and I now for 29 wonderful years! Arlene made sure that Stevie inheritated the gift of creating connections…that he gave to all of us as well!
I only hope that I will be able to pass along the friendship lessons to others, that I have learned from my sweet aunt, role model, mentor and supporter…as I go through the rest of my life!
Thank you Arlene for you, and all that you have unselfishly given to all of us! My wish is for all of us to carry a part of Arlene’s role, to love, give and honor others, as Arlene has done…to make the world a better place! I love you!
Lisa
Thank you for sharing Arlene with all of us… she sounds like such an inspiration for the lucky people who get to know her. Recently I have set a goal for myself of becoming a better friend… like Arlene and a friend of mine who sounds like her. My friend has talked with equal comfort to homeless people in pain and doctors on the street. She’s amazing and I feel truly blessed to have her in my life.
Thank you for showing your appreciation for a friend and wonderful human being. You are absolutely right… we need to hear more about THESE people and less about those who don’t inspire us towards the best parts of humankind.
Dear Lisa -
It means so much to me that I contributed to your moment of reflection.
Arlene is my adopted sister – so I guess that makes you my niece!
She has enriched my life. And so many others. And, she takes so little credit for it.
Dear Ruth -
I am happy to share Arlene with you – as she shares herself with so many.
I am sure you are a wonderful friend. Your sensitive remarks show that to all.
Thank you for writing and sharing yourself with us.
Corinne,
Thank you for providing this chance for us to express our love for my favorite great aunt/grandmother.
As a young child I have so many fond memories of my Arlene.
My favorite and most lucid ones are from Thanksgiving when her, Stevie, and Uncle Lee would fly into Santa Barbara. Arlene would sit and watch my cousins and I perform and she would always cheer us on. Arlene always listened to me even when I was a very young girl. She listened to what we had to say and would carry on very mature( appropriate) but very sophisticated conversations with u. She made me feel like what I had to say truly meant something.
Arlene is a beautiful,kind,intelligent,caring, loving and extraordinarily special person.
She was always so gentle with all of my cousins that she became a second grandmother to us all.
Arlene is a woman of remarkable courage, love and hope.
She always believed in me and always encouraged me to be who I truly was . Arlene is directly responsible for any and all parts of me that are good and true. I love you Aunt Arlene.
You are forever my favorite aunt/grandmother.
You are hope incarnate.
I would like to close this comment with something I wrote as a teenager. Arlene is the perfect example of what is written below.
“I believe that everytime you laugh, everytime you cry, everytime YOU live, you put hope into the world. You become hope.”
I love you so much. May God bless you now and always.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything.
I promise everything will be ok.
I am always here for you. You fill my heart with joy and gratitude. You and my other grandma are my heroes.
Your niece/grandaughter, Danielle
Dearest Danielle -
You thanked me for the article about your treasured aunt and my closest friend.
This medical crisis has been going on for almost a year.
It is the first time, after reading your message, that I have been able to cry.
I thank you for that opportunity, Danielle.
You are a beautiful spirit. Your Aunt Arlene will cherish every word you said.
With love and appreciation, sweet girl.
Corinne
Dear Corinne,
Thank you for starting what’s become a long love letter from all of us to my Aunt Arlene.
How lucky I’ve been to have her all my 57+ years as a second mother and as another beloved grandmother to my two sons! The thought of losing our precious, irreplaceable Arlene is unbearable…
On a lighter note, Arlene always gets a kick out of saying that she’s a “professional aunt.” But she’s a “professional” in so many areas – from theater, film, music, art and literature to fashion, travel and food, and many even mental telepathy. She is what Malcolm Gladwell, author of “The Tipping Point,” calls a Connector – someone with “an instinctive gift for making social connections.” Arlene is similar to one of the Connectors that Gladwell describes: “He simply likes people, in a genuine and powerful way, and he finds the patterns of acquaintanceship and interaction in which people arrange themselves to be endlessly fascinating.”
People instantly recognize that she has a special quality that goes beyond empathy, with the uncanny ability to understand others, know what they need, and accept them without being judgmental. I admire the extraordinary love and devotion she has shown as Steve’s mother and Lee’s wife, as well as her compassion for all her friends, family and humanity in general. (As a child I was impressed that she took the time to make recordings for the blind.)
How is it possible to go through almost 80 years of living with never a mean word or even a cranky demeanor? She has the gift of lighting up a room when she enters, which Steve also had. When Arlene, Lee and Steve would visit us in California, the “good times would roll” and all was well with the world. I loved sitting with Arlene after one of my mother’s delicious meals as she would talk about peoples’ lives in a bubbling stream of perceptive observations, confidential asides, and sometimes lengthy tangents that were nonetheless entrancing to me. In hindsight, I can say she always gave me good advice.
During this overwhelmingly difficult time in her life, I’m grateful that so many of Arlene’s friends and family have lovingly circled around her, helping in every way possible, and reminding her how much she means to them.
I’m fortunate that Arlene has always been – and will always be – my guardian angel.
What a marvelous human being Arlene is and how wonderful your tribute is. No question we live in different world today than we did 50 years ago. But thankfully this did not and does not snuff out Arlene’s warmth and graciousness. Let me tell you a true story about neighbors of mine here at Lake Point Tower.
The gentleman involved was sitting in a doctor’s office in a foreign country waiting his turn. Next to him was a woman also waiting. They struck up a conversation. Before either was called the gentleman asked the woman if she might have dinner with him. She accepted. The following morning he knocked on her door and asked if he might take her to breakfast. She accepted. Not get this: Before breakfast was over the gentleman asked his companion if she would marry him. The companion was a bit taken aback, but said she would think it over. Before the week was over she accepted. Now get this: They have been happily married for over 40years!!!! WOW!!!!!
Dear Janis -
What started as a little article about my best friend, Arlene, has turned into something I never dreamed would happen.
An amazing tribute to her. Including your beautiful comment. She is astounded by it. And thrilled.
I know you sent the article to members of the family. But, I would encourage you to send it out again so that they can read the comments here.
These are the most important elements of the story. People from far and wide – most who never knew her.
I am humbled by this response.
And so happy that she is reading them when she is alert and able to enjoy the remarkable fruits of what she considers just an ordinary life.
Much love, Janis -
Corinne
Dear Reed -
As always, you come up with a wonderful story and comment on the articles on my blog.
That is an extraordinary recounting of a happy marriage that was meant to be.
Thank you for sharing it and appreciating my dear friend, Arlene.
I met Arlene only once and all I remember is laughter, love, light, glitter what they called “pizazz” and oh yes, she reminded me of all those fabulous 50s women (like Kay Thompson from the Audrey Hepburn movie – Funny Face) who have such alure and elegance – the fabulous jewelry and a personality to match. They just don’t make em like that anymore. Just Glam!!!!! Love it.
Peg – You got that right.
Arlene is a great appreciator of beautiful things.
And she has collected some exquisite pieces of jewelry along the way.
I am glad you remember her so well. She is hard to forget!
Hello Corinne,
I am Corinne from California who is deeply jealous of anyone who gets to spend time with Arlene on a regular basis! Thank you so much for the beautiful gift of your article, now a forum for us to share our feelings about Arlene. It has been especially hard for those of us who are far away from her and not able to offer our tangible support during her health crisis. Arlene is my father-in-law’s dear cousin, so although I am not a blood relative, I most certainly consider her to be a cherished member of my family. I was so tickled by your article because I consider myself to be one of those strangers Arlene met and immediately treated as an old friend. When you marry into a family, you are an outsider to a certain extent. But when I met Arlene, one of the matriarcs of the close clan, I knew right away why I was never made to feel like an outsider! Arlene seems to have set a tone for openness many of her family have adopted – including my husband who has always expressed his deep admiration for Arlene. In her presence, Arlene has a way of making you feel you are the only person in the room she wishes to speak to and the two of you have a private joke going. I am only now realizing she has this relationship with everyone! What a talent that is to make her friends and family feel so special, so supported in what ever they are doing with thier lives. But her true talent is in the authenticity of her attention and the true depth of her love. She always gets right to the heart of the matter, to what matters to you – that is her gift to those she spends time with. Arlene has provided me with one of my true role models as a mother, wife, friend, aunt – a fun loving, intelligent, classy, giving woman. I have never met anyone quite like her and I feel so honored to have gotten to know her. I can honnestly say that I often think of Arlene and miss her greatly when she is not visiting her equally beautiful sister in California. I hope she is finding some comfort in reading these responses to your article. There is nothing she deserves more now than comfort and joy as she endures this awful disease. I will not be able to visit her in the near future, but I feel her presence around my family knowing her thoughts come our way. I hope she knows how often our conversations are about her! I am proud my children share some of the same blood and perhaps some of her golden spirit. As they go out in to the world, I hope they open up to people the way my “cousin” has to me. We love you, Arlene!
Dear Corinne from California -
I remember you well. We met when you and Jason flew 2000 miles to support Arlene at her son, Stevie’s memorial. It was such a comfort to her. She has never forgotten your kindness then and always.
This beautiful testament to Arlene confirms my first impression of you. That you are a beautiful and advanced soul on this earth. I know she will hold each word to her heart.
I have met few people in my life with the name Corinne. We stood in the kitchen that day after the ceremony and discussed the correct pronunciation. You are called COR-RIN
and I am called COR-REEN.
If you ever find out which is right, let me know.
Much love to you and appreciation. I am looking forward to meeting you again.
Corinne from Chicago
There is very little that you can tell me about Arlene, the younger of my 2 sisters…she was easy to be with and to talk to…on the other hand I tended to be more like my father, fix things, be self reliant, be stoic but to be careful, He locked his car in front of a police station, be careful and lock all of the doors and windows in your home and the tine of the holocost, that you should be more careful because of who you were…Arlene was more free and open and stayed close to her friends, beautiful as a princess, and execptionally intelligent and well read. I dont know how she became so open but I looked forward to my visits with her. I could listen for hours while she recounted her travels and experiences.
Im glad to have her and will be happy to have her as long as she can stay arround.
Bob adds a P.S.
As I am a Widower, Arlene made a match for me and my currewnt life partner, Rhea….its now over 17 years.
While reading all the heartfelt tributes to Arlene I suddenly realized how we can all be connected to one another in loving one person: Arlene. The thread of connection between life and death is so tenuous, so fragile, yet, amazingly strong.
Reading the comments also made me hear Arlene’s voice as if she were here beside me looking over my shoulder and saying: “Who is this person everyone is writing about? No one can be that gracious, that loving, that open, that friendly, and yes, that beautiful.” No one. Except you, Arlene.
Much love, Pearl and Harold
Corinne: Many if not most of your blog readers have expressed their appreciation to you for you wonderful insights and and superb skills as a writer. I am sure all of your blog readers would join me for the carring meaningful way you take the time to acknowledge each of our responses. Thank you, Corinne
Dear Reed -
I am always happy when someone responds to an article I have written. Otherwise, you feel that your words are going out to the great beyond of the blogosphere!
And I love to respond. It is also so interesting to me when my commentators speak to each other!
Thanks for the lovely compliment on my writing!
I, too, find “Making New Best Friends” a wonderfully perceptive view of Arlene that captures her warmth and openness, defining qualities that are so lovingly echoed through the many responses on this site. However, I feel the need to comment on a thought that appears in the sentence “don’t hear about ordinary, friendly people like Arlene.” Whatever one might say about Arlene, the word ordinary isn’t likely to be included. There is little about her that is ordinary. Extraordinary yes, but ordinary — not a chance! I feel I can speak with some authority on this since, like my cousins, I have had the pleasure of knowing this amazing woman my entire life.
Over the years, I have come to truly appreciate that Arlene is the all-too-rare individual people find immediate comfort and delight being with. I have also observed that upon meeting her, she is the person youngsters aspire to be like and many adults regret never having become.
What I find especially intriguing is her skill at sharing considerable gifts of intellect, charm, wit and beauty so easily that the enchantment occurs almost mystically. How rare is that?
And now for the difficult part. Does she have a challenging disease? The answer is clearly yes! Having said this, I want to suggest we don’t close her book too quickly. Looking back over many years in the healthcare trenches, I have witnessed some remarkable surprises from those who were supposed to exit stage right and instead reentered stage left. My feeling is best summed up by a line from “Lawrence of Arabia,” (one of Arlene’s favorite films and mine, too) that occurs when Lawrence responds to a remark by Sherif Ali regarding preordained inevitability by boldly declaring — “nothing is written!” I, for one, am betting on that wisdom.
Dear Ron -
This is a beautiful testimonial to our beloved Arlene. I know how close you two have been for all these years.
As to closing the book on her – all I can say is from your keyboard to God’s ears.
She is fiercely independent and is still getting herself to the hairdresser and the manicurist – and paying her bills – and getting her taxes together!
That gives me a lot of encouragement!
As far as her being “ordinary,” you are so right on there. Oddly enough, that is how she views herself – as doing nothing special.
We all know better.
She is thrilled with all the responses on my blog.
Interestingly, according to Google Analytics, it is the top of my most read blogs as of today.
That can’t be all relatives!
Much love to you and your family, Ron.