MAKING “NEW BEST FRIENDS” - A tutorial from Arlene
We are becoming afraid to talk to strangers in our everyday life. Every newscast on television gives a new picture of an assault on an innocent person.
We don’t want to take the chance of being the new victim. We are becoming isolated.
Except for my friend, Arlene. We have teased her for years that every time she gets on a plane, a train or even a bus, she makes a “new best friend.”
And not just a fleeting friend. They stay in touch, by email, telephone, visits - sometimes from thousands of miles away.
Arlene talks to people. Her specialty is “making matches” for the younger ones but she does not limit herself. She has helped musicians get audiences, entrepreneurs get customers – or just listens to people who need an ear.
No one fazes her. Once, while waiting in a doctor’s office, she met Yul Brynner. It would intimidate most people to approach this formidable person. Not Arlene. I am sure she did not ask for his autograph. She probably asked how he was feeling and if he liked this doctor with whom she also had an appointment. He invited her and her son to come back stage when he was doing a final The King and I tour.
What is her secret?
One of her more cynical friends summed it up with this criticism.
She said, “The trouble with you, Arlene, is you can find something good about everyone.”
I want to reassure you that she does not make friends in dangerous back alleys. You are not likely to find her there anyway. She just talks to people she meets in public places. Safe places.
We have become afraid of each other. Suspicious. Not that we should take crazy chances – but have people become, in our minds, guilty and have to prove themselves innocent for us to have a casual conversation?
The bad news we see on TV are isolated incidents. Good news is no news so we don’t hear about ordinary, friendly people like Arlene or the millions who lead good and productive lives who would welcome and appreciate a nice conversation with us.
I am sad to tell you that Arlene is now critically ill with cancer. The prognosis is not good.
But her “new best friends” from all over are rallying around her. Flying in from foreign cities. Dropping in. Making chicken soup. Calling her. Supporting her. Loving her.
I wonder if she knows what a big hole she will leave in our Universe when she finally leaves to a better place.
And who will take her over her job?
It could be me. It could be you.
I do the same thing - I talk to everyone. But I was raised that way and I bet you and Arlene were too. Our “kids” - 40 and under were raised with fear and suspicion … TV. movies, those god-awful video games. I don’t know the answer except to keep talking pleasantly to people you meet in elevators, cabs, coffee shops. What is sadder than a Starbuck’s where everyone is sitting alone on their computers hiding and pretending they are busy. I say off with the cell phones for a week and see what happens.
You could fill her shoes! I can just imagine you reaching out and talking to people especially since you have a strong background in television and interviewing others.
It’s funny you would write this srticle because after giving a presentation to a group of consultants this morning, I decided to go to the gym, since I was feeling the natural “high” (which I usually get after giving a good talk).
When I got to the gym, I decided to take the elevator up and there was a guy there waiting for it. He was not at all friendly - sort of macho with a bad sense of energy around him. Both of us stepped in the elevator and I debated whether or not to be the first to say hi (which I usually do when I’m feeling really good, which I was this morning).
But as we rode up to the gym, neither of us said a word. I hardly looked at him.
After I stepped out, I asked myself, “Why didn’t you say something? A hello?”
In retrospect, I think I was picking up his energy which I allowed to interfere with my ability to pentrate through his energy (whatever it was) and simply say Hi. I’ve done it numerous times with great results, but not today.
Hmmmmm……..so you may be on to something here. People are either afraid or they react the way they feel they’re being treated.
Interesting subject - sorry to hear about Arlene though. She will certainly leave a HUGE hole. Indeed. The Lord must be eager to have this beautiful being of light back home now that she’s done her earthly work.
Dear Grace -
Yes, I do believe that you talk to EVERYONE! And that they love it.
It could be, as you said, just a cheerful hello in an elevator, or asking a cabbie how his day went.
Yeah, we need a vacation from cell phones!
It’s up to us to make this place a friendlier world!
Dear Stephen -
Yes, I do admit that Arlene has taught me a lot about connecting with strangers.
But she is the headmistress of the charm school. No one can resist her beautiful open face and great smile.
This was a lovely thought.
“The Lord must be eager to have this beautiful being of light back home now that she’s done her earthly work”.
We are not rushing her off however. We need her here for as long as possible.
Dear Corinne,
What a sincerely informative article about a lovely woman and how she affects people with her style and grace just with hello . I am fortunate to be one of those friends and have seen Arlene in action…she is enchanting and all those who meet her succumb to her charm and most importantly find a dedicated friend.Her life circle is comparable with Jupiter!
Having that capability to just say hello and speak with strangers is such a wonderful thing….I think that it is one of the most giving gestures that we can do; to open and present ourselves just as we are at that moment to complete strangers and connect the human chain of life. In just giving & sharing those few moments of truth one can strongly affect someone in a very profound way.
I am lucky that I have several other friends, Cathy and Marie who also always have a smile and always say hello to strangers in very similar circumstances. I so admire that quality in people and hope that I emulate that kind characteristic.
Dear Sandra -
As one of Arlene’s dearest friends, I thank you for adding to the conversation.
Besides, you are the CHICKEN SOUP QUEEN I mentioned!
We love arlene. When she would come to NYC Arlene would “squeeze us” in to her
busy schedule and we felt honored for her to do so.
Tutorial describes Arlene very well. Yes, our friendship goes back over 60 years and we wish her well. With much love, Pearl and Harold
Dear Harold and Pearl -
I have never met you but everything I have ever heard from Arlene or her sister Harriet has been that you are loving and devoted family - and friends!
Thanks for signing in here on my blog. I am sure Arlene will enjoy reading your comment and returns your loving thoughts.
Corinne, thanks for sharing this story. We all need people like your friend Arline in our lives. Why don’t each of us who has read or will read this article make a point to be more like Arline as we go about our daily lives. You never know what a simple smile can mean to another person. Looking for the good in others is a great way to live your life.
Corinne - enjoyed the tutorial about Arlene. One of the major highlights of my visits to you each year was the luncheon date with you and Arlene. She would immediately greet me with a big hug and then tell me how beautiful I was when SHE was the beautiful one and probably the most charming woman I have ever met.
If you are reading this Arlene, I love you.
June
My brother is exactly like Arlene. I always worried that people would take advantage of him. When he had a terrible accident a decade ago, I realized I worried for nothing. I was amazed at the way people rallied around him and still do. I learned a lesson from him and I hope people have learned a lesson from Arlene.
Yes, Patricia, it is a good way to lead our lives. I could go on and on about Arlene. She is my best friend.
She is always the first one to give a compliment! You can see what June said.
I have never heard a bad remark from anyone about her.
Those were fun lunches, June.
Her biggest disappointment was that she never made a “match” for me.
I remember one day we were walking out of her building. There was a Bentley parked out in front.
We had walked about 50 feet and she said, “Just wait a minute.”
You said,
“Where is she going?”
I answered, “She’s going to find out who owns that Bentley.”
Sure enough, she came back to tell us. “He’s married.”
Dear Sandi -
Your brother sounds like a wonderful person. People like him and Arlene are rare in this world and are to be cherished!
I hope he is well and fully recovered now.
Dear Corinne,
Your website is a godsend - truly an act of kindness to us all! Thank you for letting us have room for reflection.
As Arlene’s niece, I feel honored to be one of her family members! She is a lovely soul with one of the most open hearts on this planet! No one is perfect, but she is close. I don’t know where or how to begin to even reflect on Arlene’s magical ability to connect with people. She embodies compassion and unconditional acceptance for most everyone she comes in contact with - she has qualities that all human beings have, but don’t access.
I have learned so much from my dear aunt…and by the way…Stevie matched up my husband and I now for 29 wonderful years! Arlene made sure that Stevie inheritated the gift of creating connections…that he gave to all of us as well!
I only hope that I will be able to pass along the friendship lessons to others, that I have learned from my sweet aunt, role model, mentor and supporter…as I go through the rest of my life!
Thank you Arlene for you, and all that you have unselfishly given to all of us! My wish is for all of us to carry a part of Arlene’s role, to love, give and honor others, as Arlene has done…to make the world a better place! I love you!
Lisa
Thank you for sharing Arlene with all of us… she sounds like such an inspiration for the lucky people who get to know her. Recently I have set a goal for myself of becoming a better friend… like Arlene and a friend of mine who sounds like her. My friend has talked with equal comfort to homeless people in pain and doctors on the street. She’s amazing and I feel truly blessed to have her in my life.
Thank you for showing your appreciation for a friend and wonderful human being. You are absolutely right… we need to hear more about THESE people and less about those who don’t inspire us towards the best parts of humankind.
Dear Lisa -
It means so much to me that I contributed to your moment of reflection.
Arlene is my adopted sister - so I guess that makes you my niece!
She has enriched my life. And so many others. And, she takes so little credit for it.
Dear Ruth -
I am happy to share Arlene with you - as she shares herself with so many.
I am sure you are a wonderful friend. Your sensitive remarks show that to all.
Thank you for writing and sharing yourself with us.
Corinne,
Thank you for providing this chance for us to express our love for my favorite great aunt/grandmother.
As a young child I have so many fond memories of my Arlene.
My favorite and most lucid ones are from Thanksgiving when her, Stevie, and Uncle Lee would fly into Santa Barbara. Arlene would sit and watch my cousins and I perform and she would always cheer us on. Arlene always listened to me even when I was a very young girl. She listened to what we had to say and would carry on very mature( appropriate) but very sophisticated conversations with u. She made me feel like what I had to say truly meant something.
Arlene is a beautiful,kind,intelligent,caring, loving and extraordinarily special person.
She was always so gentle with all of my cousins that she became a second grandmother to us all.
Arlene is a woman of remarkable courage, love and hope.
She always believed in me and always encouraged me to be who I truly was . Arlene is directly responsible for any and all parts of me that are good and true. I love you Aunt Arlene.
You are forever my favorite aunt/grandmother.
You are hope incarnate.
I would like to close this comment with something I wrote as a teenager. Arlene is the perfect example of what is written below.
“I believe that everytime you laugh, everytime you cry, everytime YOU live, you put hope into the world. You become hope.”
I love you so much. May God bless you now and always.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything.
I promise everything will be ok.
I am always here for you. You fill my heart with joy and gratitude. You and my other grandma are my heroes.
Your niece/grandaughter, Danielle
Dearest Danielle -
You thanked me for the article about your treasured aunt and my closest friend.
This medical crisis has been going on for almost a year.
It is the first time, after reading your message, that I have been able to cry.
I thank you for that opportunity, Danielle.
You are a beautiful spirit. Your Aunt Arlene will cherish every word you said.
With love and appreciation, sweet girl.
Corinne
Dear Corinne,
Thank you for starting what’s become a long love letter from all of us to my Aunt Arlene.
How lucky I’ve been to have her all my 57+ years as a second mother and as another beloved grandmother to my two sons! The thought of losing our precious, irreplaceable Arlene is unbearable…
On a lighter note, Arlene always gets a kick out of saying that she’s a “professional aunt.” But she’s a “professional” in so many areas - from theater, film, music, art and literature to fashion, travel and food, and many even mental telepathy. She is what Malcolm Gladwell, author of “The Tipping Point,” calls a Connector – someone with “an instinctive gift for making social connections.” Arlene is similar to one of the Connectors that Gladwell describes: “He simply likes people, in a genuine and powerful way, and he finds the patterns of acquaintanceship and interaction in which people arrange themselves to be endlessly fascinating.”
People instantly recognize that she has a special quality that goes beyond empathy, with the uncanny ability to understand others, know what they need, and accept them without being judgmental. I admire the extraordinary love and devotion she has shown as Steve’s mother and Lee’s wife, as well as her compassion for all her friends, family and humanity in general. (As a child I was impressed that she took the time to make recordings for the blind.)
How is it possible to go through almost 80 years of living with never a mean word or even a cranky demeanor? She has the gift of lighting up a room when she enters, which Steve also had. When Arlene, Lee and Steve would visit us in California, the “good times would roll” and all was well with the world. I loved sitting with Arlene after one of my mother’s delicious meals as she would talk about peoples’ lives in a bubbling stream of perceptive observations, confidential asides, and sometimes lengthy tangents that were nonetheless entrancing to me. In hindsight, I can say she always gave me good advice.
During this overwhelmingly difficult time in her life, I’m grateful that so many of Arlene’s friends and family have lovingly circled around her, helping in every way possible, and reminding her how much she means to them.
I’m fortunate that Arlene has always been - and will always be - my guardian angel.
What a marvelous human being Arlene is and how wonderful your tribute is. No question we live in different world today than we did 50 years ago. But thankfully this did not and does not snuff out Arlene’s warmth and graciousness. Let me tell you a true story about neighbors of mine here at Lake Point Tower.
The gentleman involved was sitting in a doctor’s office in a foreign country waiting his turn. Next to him was a woman also waiting. They struck up a conversation. Before either was called the gentleman asked the woman if she might have dinner with him. She accepted. The following morning he knocked on her door and asked if he might take her to breakfast. She accepted. Not get this: Before breakfast was over the gentleman asked his companion if she would marry him. The companion was a bit taken aback, but said she would think it over. Before the week was over she accepted. Now get this: They have been happily married for over 40years!!!! WOW!!!!!
Dear Janis -
What started as a little article about my best friend, Arlene, has turned into something I never dreamed would happen.
An amazing tribute to her. Including your beautiful comment. She is astounded by it. And thrilled.
I know you sent the article to members of the family. But, I would encourage you to send it out again so that they can read the comments here.
These are the most important elements of the story. People from far and wide - most who never knew her.
I am humbled by this response.
And so happy that she is reading them when she is alert and able to enjoy the remarkable fruits of what she considers just an ordinary life.
Much love, Janis -
Corinne
Dear Reed -
As always, you come up with a wonderful story and comment on the articles on my blog.
That is an extraordinary recounting of a happy marriage that was meant to be.
Thank you for sharing it and appreciating my dear friend, Arlene.
I met Arlene only once and all I remember is laughter, love, light, glitter what they called “pizazz” and oh yes, she reminded me of all those fabulous 50s women (like Kay Thompson from the Audrey Hepburn movie - Funny Face) who have such alure and elegance - the fabulous jewelry and a personality to match. They just don’t make em like that anymore. Just Glam!!!!! Love it.
Peg - You got that right.
Arlene is a great appreciator of beautiful things.
And she has collected some exquisite pieces of jewelry along the way.
I am glad you remember her so well. She is hard to forget!
Hello Corinne,
I am Corinne from California who is deeply jealous of anyone who gets to spend time with Arlene on a regular basis! Thank you so much for the beautiful gift of your article, now a forum for us to share our feelings about Arlene. It has been especially hard for those of us who are far away from her and not able to offer our tangible support during her health crisis. Arlene is my father-in-law’s dear cousin, so although I am not a blood relative, I most certainly consider her to be a cherished member of my family. I was so tickled by your article because I consider myself to be one of those strangers Arlene met and immediately treated as an old friend. When you marry into a family, you are an outsider to a certain extent. But when I met Arlene, one of the matriarcs of the close clan, I knew right away why I was never made to feel like an outsider! Arlene seems to have set a tone for openness many of her family have adopted - including my husband who has always expressed his deep admiration for Arlene. In her presence, Arlene has a way of making you feel you are the only person in the room she wishes to speak to and the two of you have a private joke going. I am only now realizing she has this relationship with everyone! What a talent that is to make her friends and family feel so special, so supported in what ever they are doing with thier lives. But her true talent is in the authenticity of her attention and the true depth of her love. She always gets right to the heart of the matter, to what matters to you - that is her gift to those she spends time with. Arlene has provided me with one of my true role models as a mother, wife, friend, aunt - a fun loving, intelligent, classy, giving woman. I have never met anyone quite like her and I feel so honored to have gotten to know her. I can honnestly say that I often think of Arlene and miss her greatly when she is not visiting her equally beautiful sister in California. I hope she is finding some comfort in reading these responses to your article. There is nothing she deserves more now than comfort and joy as she endures this awful disease. I will not be able to visit her in the near future, but I feel her presence around my family knowing her thoughts come our way. I hope she knows how often our conversations are about her! I am proud my children share some of the same blood and perhaps some of her golden spirit. As they go out in to the world, I hope they open up to people the way my “cousin” has to me. We love you, Arlene!
Dear Corinne from California -
I remember you well. We met when you and Jason flew 2000 miles to support Arlene at her son, Stevie’s memorial. It was such a comfort to her. She has never forgotten your kindness then and always.
This beautiful testament to Arlene confirms my first impression of you. That you are a beautiful and advanced soul on this earth. I know she will hold each word to her heart.
I have met few people in my life with the name Corinne. We stood in the kitchen that day after the ceremony and discussed the correct pronunciation. You are called COR-RIN
and I am called COR-REEN.
If you ever find out which is right, let me know.
Much love to you and appreciation. I am looking forward to meeting you again.
Corinne from Chicago
There is very little that you can tell me about Arlene, the younger of my 2 sisters…she was easy to be with and to talk to…on the other hand I tended to be more like my father, fix things, be self reliant, be stoic but to be careful, He locked his car in front of a police station, be careful and lock all of the doors and windows in your home and the tine of the holocost, that you should be more careful because of who you were…Arlene was more free and open and stayed close to her friends, beautiful as a princess, and execptionally intelligent and well read. I dont know how she became so open but I looked forward to my visits with her. I could listen for hours while she recounted her travels and experiences.
Im glad to have her and will be happy to have her as long as she can stay arround.
Bob adds a P.S.
As I am a Widower, Arlene made a match for me and my currewnt life partner, Rhea….its now over 17 years.
While reading all the heartfelt tributes to Arlene I suddenly realized how we can all be connected to one another in loving one person: Arlene. The thread of connection between life and death is so tenuous, so fragile, yet, amazingly strong.
Reading the comments also made me hear Arlene’s voice as if she were here beside me looking over my shoulder and saying: “Who is this person everyone is writing about? No one can be that gracious, that loving, that open, that friendly, and yes, that beautiful.” No one. Except you, Arlene.
Much love, Pearl and Harold
Corinne: Many if not most of your blog readers have expressed their appreciation to you for you wonderful insights and and superb skills as a writer. I am sure all of your blog readers would join me for the carring meaningful way you take the time to acknowledge each of our responses. Thank you, Corinne
Dear Reed -
I am always happy when someone responds to an article I have written. Otherwise, you feel that your words are going out to the great beyond of the blogosphere!
And I love to respond. It is also so interesting to me when my commentators speak to each other!
Thanks for the lovely compliment on my writing!
I, too, find “Making New Best Friends” a wonderfully perceptive view of Arlene that captures her warmth and openness, defining qualities that are so lovingly echoed through the many responses on this site. However, I feel the need to comment on a thought that appears in the sentence “don’t hear about ordinary, friendly people like Arlene.” Whatever one might say about Arlene, the word ordinary isn’t likely to be included. There is little about her that is ordinary. Extraordinary yes, but ordinary — not a chance! I feel I can speak with some authority on this since, like my cousins, I have had the pleasure of knowing this amazing woman my entire life.
Over the years, I have come to truly appreciate that Arlene is the all-too-rare individual people find immediate comfort and delight being with. I have also observed that upon meeting her, she is the person youngsters aspire to be like and many adults regret never having become.
What I find especially intriguing is her skill at sharing considerable gifts of intellect, charm, wit and beauty so easily that the enchantment occurs almost mystically. How rare is that?
And now for the difficult part. Does she have a challenging disease? The answer is clearly yes! Having said this, I want to suggest we don’t close her book too quickly. Looking back over many years in the healthcare trenches, I have witnessed some remarkable surprises from those who were supposed to exit stage right and instead reentered stage left. My feeling is best summed up by a line from “Lawrence of Arabia,” (one of Arlene’s favorite films and mine, too) that occurs when Lawrence responds to a remark by Sherif Ali regarding preordained inevitability by boldly declaring — “nothing is written!” I, for one, am betting on that wisdom.
Dear Ron -
This is a beautiful testimonial to our beloved Arlene. I know how close you two have been for all these years.
As to closing the book on her - all I can say is from your keyboard to God’s ears.
She is fiercely independent and is still getting herself to the hairdresser and the manicurist - and paying her bills - and getting her taxes together!
That gives me a lot of encouragement!
As far as her being “ordinary,” you are so right on there. Oddly enough, that is how she views herself - as doing nothing special.
We all know better.
She is thrilled with all the responses on my blog.
Interestingly, according to Google Analytics, it is the top of my most read blogs as of today.
That can’t be all relatives!
Much love to you and your family, Ron.
Its long after midnight and I am sitting alone in my living room reading Corinne’s blog – the first blog I have ever read, actually. I have heard about Janis and Corinne, Ron and Lisa, Bob and Danielle … most of you for years now and while we have never had the opportunity to meet, Arlene has drawn such vivid pictures of you all that I feel as if I am not alone at all tonight but rather in the company of old friends.
We are all connected by the gift of loving the same woman. And while knowing her in different ways, all of us are clearly able to feel one another’s experience of Arlene. Ron, however, is so right to point out that Arlene is anything but ordinary. Anyone who can not only make you feel their love, but makes you feel better about yourself because you trust their love, is an extraordinarily gifted individual. But we know that, don’t we? That’s why we feel compelled to connect like this in an open forum.
I was in Chicago not too long ago and got a chance to spend time with my friend and surrogate mother of 36 years. During our visit she mentioned something about the way she looks, and indeed she has lost a great deal of weight. But here’s the strange thing; not one ounce of her beauty has been compromised. During the several hours that we had been visiting I was mesmerized by the fact that despite her illness and the change in her physical appearance, Arlene is still as beautiful as the first day we met in Little Italy when my Uncle Buddy included me in a dinner that changed my life with this simple introduction.
That cold afternoon this past February in Chicago it was abundantly clear that Arlene’s inner beauty is so intense that even cancer can’t diminish it.
Thanks, Corinne, for bringing us all together in this blog. I am the kind of person who would normally appreciate but not participate in this sharing of experience or feelings. But when I read others’ thoughts, and found myself smiling at their experiences – which might have easily been my own – I knew I had to add to the embrace.
If we are on this planet for a reason, I would like to believe that love is at the core. We can only touch so many, but I have faith in the ripple effect of love and in that we can make subtle but enormous differences in simple, every day gestures like not “being afraid to talk to strangers”.
Dear Randye -
I loved your words -
“I have heard about Janis and Corinne, Ron and Lisa, Bob and Danielle … most of you for years now and while we have never had the opportunity to meet, Arlene has drawn such vivid pictures of you all that I feel as if I am not alone at all tonight but rather in the company of old friends”
Yes, that is what Arlene does. She includes us in her friendships with others so that we feel that we know each other personally.
In a way, you do know me. Your Uncle Buddy used to call me to get your air tickets to different places. I don’t think we ever talked personally since you were just a kid then - until about a week ago, when you picked up the phone while you were visiting Arlene.
It felt to me, as you mentioned, that I was talking to a family member.
I am sure that Arlene will treasure this touching testimony to her. I print them all out for her so she doesn’t have to struggle to read them out from her computer screen.
And she has read each and every one over and over. I don’t think people who are using this forum have any idea how thrilled and comforted she is with the messages from all of you.
And, when I wrote the original post, I had no idea the scope of it. It was just for her.
Now I see it was for all of us to gather around our beautiful Arlene.
And a way to comfort each other. So we are not alone with our feelings.
Corrine, I am so grateful for this forum for all of us. I’ve met Arlene 39 years alone, in a yoga class. While we did our “Cobra” pose, and were exhaling, she looked accross at me, and said “You know you are beautful”. After class we decided, to have one of our many delightfully delicious lunches, that we wished would never end. I’ve lived in the U.S.for app.30 years,when I met her but never met anybody, who had such a powerful and positive influence on me. I’ve learned from her the meaning of acceptance, warmth, inclusion, into her family and friends. I also learned about beautiful things, like great cloth, jewelry, great food, and the luxury of having a friend who knew me well, and accepted me as I was.An other gift that I could share with her, was Stevie. Arlene did a wonderful job, in raising him to be a loving, fun, person with whom I had also lunches, and good times. Lee with his generosity, and dry humour, how lucky I am to have this in my life. Let us celebrate your life, on April 11th, hope you’ll feel up to it!Your friend Mari and Alex
I’ve never enjoyed a lifelong personal relationship with Arlene, but my perception of her
mirrors what has been expressed. I base my feelings primarily on what my mother said
about her over the years. They knew each other since childhood. She always remarked about Arlene’s beauty– both inside and out….
Like many, my mom, tremendously respected how Arlene dealt with Steve’s handicap.
Regarding Steve, on several ocassions, I remember her saying Arlene was a testament to how someone positively dealt with a hand they didn’t expect to get. Maybe God gave Steve to Arlene knowing she would be the best mother in the world for him.
Her strong, capable and realistic character again shines through in now handling her illness.
Based upon what I’ve known, I’m not surprised.
Some things never change… Arlene’s beauty inside and out forever shines through…
Arlene:
Oh my. What a great friend to people of all ages. Just so kind hearted to my mother when she lost her mother, to my sister when we lost our mother, and to us when we lost our father.
But not just in times of distress–she never missed a joyful event in the Lefkowitz family. She was always there. Traveling to Ohio for weddings and bar mitzvahs. To San Diego for my wedding.
And when we came to Chicago, she was the ultimate hostess/friend/tour guide/story teller.
But what I love most about Arlene was talking to her in our kitchen–often late into the night. She made me feel like i was the most important person–that no one else mattered. She was great for boosting self-confidence–which we all need–and for making me laugh–repeatedly.
Your friend, your son of your friend, your brother of your friend, Andy
Corinne,
I also have been blessed to know Arlene my whole life. She is my great aunt, but my cousins and I all thought of her alternately as a grandmother or fairy godmother, a source of unending benevolence and affection that asked for nothing in return. And we are not the only ones who are so lucky to know Arlene in this way. She makes a habit of drawing the people in her life closer—strangers become friends, friends become family, and distant family becomes intimate. What gives Arlene this force is her insight into the beauty of each person’s mind and spirit. But make no mistake—her power to detect the extraordinary in every person is more than simple Pollyannaism. She has known more pain and suffering, both physical and psychological, than nearly anyone I know. Rather than allowing the vicissitudes of her time to shape or embitter her, she instead has transformed them with unusual grace and will, folding them into her life’s narrative of love, humor, and joy. Even more than the love and connection I have with Arlene, I am awed to witness the strength with which she interacts with the world and the rest of us in it, and the wonders that she receives in return.
When I was to meet Arlene and Lee for the first time, Ron told me that she occupied a special place in his heart and that he knew I would like her. What an understatement. He didn’t tell me that she glittered when she walked. And he certainly didn’t tell me that she could charm even the comatose to get up and dance. I was dazzled. And after thirty-five years, I remain dazzled. She is a most exceptional woman.
Although Ron has many wonderful and brilliant cousins, she is truly the jewel in the family crown. Her charm and intelligence are legendary, as are her beauty and style. But first, that smile. That megawatt, bring out the sunglasses smile. I adore her sly sense of humor and her cunning insights and will always cherish the times we spent together.
Because of Arlene, I have tried not to judge and to at least try to turn around negativity. And yes, to be the first one to smile.
Because of Arlene, the world is a better place.
Dear Arnie and Andy and Elliot -
It is so nice to have the “kids” weigh in here. I know that Arlene is treasuring every word.
She can read your comments on the Internet but I print them all out for her to enjoy. She has a book!
Dear Mari -
As an old friend, I know that you don’t usually comment on blogs - so I am sure that your words are especially precious to Arlene.
Love,
Corinne
Dear Dorothy -
You said it well -
The world is a better place because of Arlene. And so many of us feel better about ourselves because she has encouraged all of us to be better too!
What a kick my aunt Arlene gets out of life, savoring the subtleties of this world and its inhabitants! In this way, I remember being shown her matchbook collection from hotels and restaurants from around the world, little treasures that less aware travelers would overlook and disregard. I have since started similar collections, albeit not so worldly. My aunt has the capacity to appreciate this manifold world not because she is simply lucky; instead it is by virtue of the fact that she has reaped what she has sowed, and it appears to me to be a labor of love. As much as I believe Arlene loves this life, she simultaneously embraces life’s essential impermanence, a precursor for the qualities she embodies. This may be why I have never had a conversation stunted by small talk or trivialities with her. She rightly realizes that there simply isn’t time for it! “Be authentic or move on!” might be an appropriate motto for her. It is then only natural that this forum should have post after post of testimony to her meaningful role in the personal lives of so many family and friends. I do not think I speak for myself when I say that Arlene is a resource of unending potential, with attentive presence and unconditional love coming to mind first. Aunt Arlene, if you’re reading this, let me remind you of what you already know, I love you, in this timeless moment, and in the next.
Hi Mike -
We don’t know each other but I hear often from your Aunt Arlene how brilliant you are.
She is so thrilled that the “kids” are commenting on this article. She reads every word!
At Arlene’s table, we are all masters of our own destinies. If you don’t believe me, try sharing a three-hour Indian meal with Arlene. See if you don’t become the hero of your own narrative. Under her loving purview, no quality – no matter how elusive – is beyond your grasp and no future – no matter how extravagant or improbable – is ever closed to you. Your meteoric rise to top starts by sitting down with Arlene.
One motif in these posts that seems to me to be spot on is the image of Arlene as an exclusive dealer in pith and substance. Where others act as if they have all the time in the world, Arlene never has time for small talk, small worries, or small fears. The ancient rabbis liked to talk about the metaphor of the Sabbath Queen, the otherworldly force that, on the Sabbath, transports us from the everyday drudgery of life to the sublime – to the truly important, the decent, and the beneficent. Who could deny that this sounds an awful lot like Arlene? As others have mentioned, she has a way of getting to the heart of the matter, and fast. But not in an indelicate or intrusive way – in fact, you won’t even notice what she was doing until years later. All you’ll remember is that you felt like yourself, and that you were having a damn good time doing it.
For better or for worse, Arlene’s own narrative is in some ways the story of “she who drinks mightily from the cup of life” even though – let’s face it – her cup hasn’t always been quite full. You might say that Arlene eats adversity for breakfast, although you wouldn’t need to, because she would never call it adversity. The whole notion of adversity implies a structure of fate and luck that is entirely antithetical to Arlene’s worldview. Not quite stoicism, not quite Eastern philosophy, Arlene’s is the “come what may” school of thought taken to its most elegant extreme, with a panache, humor, and flair for the memorable all its own. Call it beauty. Call it dignity.
You might not know too many octogenarians on a first-name basis with the characters from Entourage – unless you know Arlene. But don’t even think of writing that off as an outlier or a late development. It’s all part of the master plan. When you’re dealing with Arlene, you’re dealing with a professional.
Three cheers for Arlene, who brought a little class and grace to this tasteless joke we call life. Three cheers for the Sabbath Queen, the professional, who shows us all every day how to do it right.
Dearest Arlene,
When I first met you I was an unsophisticated college student. Sy brought me to meet his dear cousins and favorite aunt. I could not believe how beautiful, elegant, and sophisticated the three of you were. I sat quietly and listened to your sparkling wit and intelligent conversation and I thought I was finally meeting high society. The most remarkable part of it was that you were all so warm and friendly, as if I were already a member of your family. After that, every time we met you treated me with such love and respect that I felt that I was truly a part of your special family. Over the years we have grown together and my love for you has never wavered. The times we spent together were never long enough, And the amazing part of it is that you have never changed, you are as beautiful and dazzling now as when I first met you. To me your beauty is not only on the outside but shines from your loving heart. I always felt that we were friends as well as family, the best kind of relationship.
Although we are not near you now I feel your presence in my heart and think of you and love you always.
Don’t give up, my beloved cousin.
Love, Judy
My Dearest Arlene: We have known each other for 74 years. Do you remember that much of my life & the way I do things has been a gift from you? When I told you I didn’t like the name “Seymour”, you said , “How about ‘Sy’?” Most people still call me that, except for Judy, when she wants me to do a chore! You have also played a part in the progress of my medical career. I keep your picture by my desk, & while working & thinking, I look up at your smiling face and see those lovely dimples, & any problem becomes simple. I have so many sweet memories of our families together: How you loved Ben & Edna, you & Harriet tap dancing on the board in the attic of the house on Pine, Nippersink (did I spell it right?), your raving about Capri, & talking to you just 2 weeks ago. Even though the phone call exhausted you, you wanted to know all about our new grand daughter,and all the things going on in our lives. We love you with all our hearts.
Love, Sy
Dear Arlene,
I first met you through Steve, as his sailing instructor and friend. I was fortunate to have you remain in our lives by joining the family, and having 30 more wonderful years! You have generated a truly remarkable and inspirational legacy. Loving family and friends adore you and treasure countless “Aunt Arlene” stories and memories. Thank you again for all that you have been and all that you mean to us. We love you.
Steven Ruderman
Dearest Arlene,
I just wanted to drop you a note to tell you how much I love you. Whenever I think of you, I am filled with the feeling of delight that you and I are blessed to have the special relationship that we have. I have always considered myself lucky to be related to you (remember: first cousin, once removed…). You are a kind, considerate, generous, fun, loving person who lights up any room you enter.
I love your spirit and always have it with me, knowing that I have someone “pulling” for me in Chicago (my kind of town because my cousin, Arlene, lives there…).
You are in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers.
Love always,
Jason
Knowing Arlene…..these words hold for me and many that know her I am certain, such a vast array of lifes’ most wonderful things; joy, love, enlightment, humor, wit, beauty, extradorinary friendship, kindness, caring, constructive criticism and elated praise….I could go on with evey lofty adjective that there is to write but truly, just knowing her has affected my life so profoundly. I am so fortunate to have Arlene as my dear, dear friend, mentor, “fashionista extradoinaire”, world class traveling gal pal, shop till you drop for you name it anywhere we would happen to be on the planet, usually Paris or New York, searching for life’s little treasures.
And a treaure she is to many; her lovely family that I know even though most of them don’t know me. I have sharred their lives through Arlene; her loving friends who have become my dear friends.
Our Mothers even share the same birhtday, today as a matter of fact, April 21. I was a child blessed with wonderful parents like Arlene and both of our Mothers influenced us
so positively. I would like to share a poem that my mother wrote in 1969. She was a published poet and had won awards for her writings.
HOLE IN THE AIR
Mourn silently,
I tell you
Mourn silently.
Say nothing.
Leave words to those
who cannot mourn.
Grieve quietly,
I say, grieve quietly.
Touch nothing.
Do not stir this air.
I am measuring
and cannot comprehend
How a small being
Can leave so vast
A hole in the air
That I, larger,
Am lost in it.
Nor how her ambience
Filling it, overflowed,
Spilling everywhere.
Nor how a small voice
Stilled, leaves not
Silence, but absense
Of it sound,
Floiwn beyond the
Reach of despair.
Arlene will always be with me.Knowing her… I am truly blessed. I am so very lucky.
I read Corinne’s blog and I cried, because I have to tell you I have a friend who is just like that, and her name is Arlene.. I was hoping that her cancer would go into remission and stay there, and for a while it looked like it might, but I realized when I spoke to her on Sunday, she is really getting sick.
Tell me what will happen to all those Best Friends? Will they just go on making more? I don’t think I will, I do have some of the new best friends I also have come to know on planes, trains and real estate….but the ones I have had forever….will it ever be the same ?
I wrote this in Corrine’s blog as soon as I read it….then;and since then, we have been fortunate enough to celebrate Arlene’s Birthday, and enjoy it with her. Even when she was able to blow out the candles.
We have all had time to visit more, and talk about old times more. And we have done that. Arthur and Arlene and I have spent some time talking these past weeks , and we are grateful for that. We talked about old fiends, some of whom are no longer with us,looked at pictures of the Trillings and Steve with my first Grandchild,(how sweet was that to find.!)
The first time we met two months after we moved from New York, at a New Years Eve party in 1962., and all the strange things that happened that night. So many things after…
.
The morning,very early, I awoke to find Arlene next to me in my bed…well, she drove Stevie to work very early , and didn’t feel like going home , so why not.? Arthur was getting the kids off to school, and said,”go on up”.
We cooked together, we learned together, we shopped together, and we shared so much…Arlene often said ,”You and I, Florrie, had the same Mother”, she was so right, They came from the same mold .
They expected perfection as a rule, and didn’t feel any need to praise it.
As we all know Arlene was effusive with her compliments…but they were never hollow.
She was loved dearly by all of us, and friends far and wide; and there is not a person, young, old, male or female , relative, employee,caregiver, hairdresser, salespeople at stores,and the world at large, anywhere she ever graced with her presence who will not miss her .
Her last word to us were I love you with all the love my heart can hold…We cannot ever forget that.
As far as I’m concerned, there has never been a world without Arlene Shelley. To me, it’s been the Sun, the Moon and Arlene.
Arlene knew me my entire life. She and my mother first met back in 1965, shortly before my mom was pregnant with me.
It is difficult to encapsulate my thoughts about a person whom I have known for so long and has been such a close part of my family.
Arlene has seen me as a newborn, a young boy, a young man and now a person with a wife and son of my own.
I shall always look back at my time with Lee, Arlene and Stevie, with a heart full of love and gratitude.
From swimming pool parties to the 1970’s to countless birthdays, Holiday gatherings and other occasions, I consider myself
very lucky to have been associated with such wonderful people. We had so many good times.
Arlene always had a nice word to say and was always enthusiastic about what I was doing in school, work or other pursuits. Arlene loved
music and would always find something to appreciate about it, whether it was the Beatles, jazz standards or Punk Rock.
She was always so complimentary and affirming of me whenever I saw her. . She never tired of my insisting that she tell
the story again and again about how her father (a Chicago Patrolman in the 1920’s) knew and interacted with Al Capone.
She and I loved many similiar kinds of entertainment such as Jack Benny or the Marx Brothers.
When Dawn and I married, it was Lee and Arlene who threw our special wedding dinner in China Town the night before.
Arlene always knew the perfect place to go.
Arlene was a wonderful friend and truly the epitome of class, understatement and elegance.
Arlene, from myself, Dawn and Julie II, we will always love and cherish you.
Where do I even begin to write about my friend Arlene. I called her a few years ago out of the blue, at a time when everything was just fine and everyone was healthy to let her know that next to my mother and father she was one of the most influential people in my life. I don’t know what the female version of a “Mench” is but that’s Arlene. Arlene is grace, elegance, empathy and sincerity. She has an amazing ability to be able to relate to anyone, anywhere and on almost any level. She is always so well dressed, beautifully put together and gorgeous however she has never been vain or out to impress anyone. No one knew how to live and love like Arlene. She and Lee were explorers and adventures. The traveled everywhere and people loved them every where they went because they always had the openness and curiosity about them.
Arlene has been a trusted confidant and advisor to me and countless others, always without judgment.
She, Lee and Stevie have been a wonderful example of love and compassion. They have welcomed us into their family and we have always welcomed them into ours.
When I brought my wife home to Chicago years ago to “meet the family” during the holidays, she told me Arlene was one of the people who made her feel most welcome and at home.
I have great sadness that Arlene is facing a very difficult time. She faces it however with friends and relatives who have all rallied around her with so much love. They would do anything for her. When Arlene moves on to her next great adventures, we should all know and remember that our world is a better, brighter place as a result of having her in our lives. Arlene’s example of love, kindness and caring will live forever in my heart and I am sure in all those who know her.
All my love,
Peter
I’ve started speaking to people I don”t know at the supermarket. The 99 year old woman shopping for Passover has become a new friend. The woman filling her shopping basket with Elderberry juice; with whom I discussed the benefits of this nectar and offering to her information on complementary medicine - another new friend.
Thank you Arlene, for teaching me how to make new friends. Arlene knew how to live. She also knows how to die,
She called me her sister. I will miss her.
Rhea
They don’t make them like Arlene Shelly anymore.
I will miss her wit, sense of insight and crystalline thinking.
She was a raconteur extraordinaire with the warmest of hearts.
The world will be a much less interesting place without her.
Paul Van Name
you are the one Corrine, I don’t know how else to express it, but anyone who can call you friend is so exceptionally lucky….Who else could ever create this testimony to our friend, and it says it all. Even those who found it difficult to write, are reading it, over, and over, and it is so meaningful for everyone. Each and every friend and relative of Arlenes has something familiar to all of us to write; and we all appreciate it. No surprises from anyone ,it is all Arlene, and how much we love her, and will miss her….BUT, you did it !!!!and without you, Corrine, it wouldn’t have been shared. Arlene gave me so much in the years I have been here, Corrine,and now she gave me you.!
P.s. if this doesn’t print to you, I am ready for lessons !!!!!
Corrine,
What more is there to say–it’s all been said in the blogs I read. The major tragedy is that Arlene will not be able to read them. She never did things so people would love and appreciate her–she always did things out of her deepest heart and never asked anything in return.
We met her at Willie Hecker’s apartment in the 60’s and like everyone else became her “best” friend. When she came to NY she would always call and say, I’m calling you first.” I always wondered how many other people she said that to–but it didn’t matter.
One thing we did teach her was to be on time–we were always guilty of being late and taught ourselves not to be and Arlene, in her later years would always be on time.
We traveled with her to France, St. Barts, Capri and she knew people wherever. A fond recollection we had was one day walking down the street in Capri when all the jewelers ran out and greeted Arlene and Lee encouraging them to come into the shop. But much as she loved jewelry she was never ostentatious or showy–it was all for herself never to impress people.
We knew and loved Stevie and Lee and her love of both of them was unflagging.
We spent two weekends in Chicago with her after she became ill and she was always thinking of the other person, accepting her fate gracefully.
She was our dear, dear friend and we will love her forever.
Doris and Dick Seidlitz