My mother, Helen Coryat, would have been 97 this month. She was a lovable, crazy Irish lady who was the last one dancing at every party and the first one to put her hand out if you were in trouble.
There was always some poor soul who dropped by for tea and was still sleeping on her couch a year later. She helped everyone.
She was also a genius. She had no high degrees from a university but she had something much more important.
What she had was WISDOM.
She had certain sayings that live on in my family although she has been gone from us for years.
Here are a few that she applied to the ordinary things in life:
1. “When you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything.”
“Not making a decision is a decision,” she said. She did not agree with the present gurus of self-help who insist you must take action no matter what. And you take action now. Think about it later.
Unless you are rescuing a child from being hit by a car, or you were in physical danger, she advised to wait until things cleared up in your mind.
I think of that often when I hear people listening to their friend’s advice or someone is advising me. Statements like “Quit that job” and “Get rid of that bum” or “Tell your boss off” or “Call that person and tell them to shove it.”
Maybe you will decide to do all those things but her advice was to wait and let time pass. You could be doing damage to your friendships or family that can never be repaired. That telephone call or confrontation could cost you financially if your job is involved. Perhaps you should line up something else first. Angry words live forever. They can never be taken back.
Helen called many of these things a “Ten minute feel-good moment.”
If you look back on your life, how often have those ten minutes cost you?
2. “Twenty years from now it will make no difference.”
Looking back on your life twenty years ago, you can see the wisdom in that statement.
Most of the things that were so important to you at that time make you laugh at yourself today. Do you remember buying that car on time that you couldn’t afford to impress your friends? Did you get married because everyone else was? Did you start a feud in the family that is still going on? Did you really need that expensive mink stole that is so out of fashion today?
I remember being at a wedding and seeing two elderly ladies in a corner with their arms around each other and crying. They were sisters.
I didn’t know them. I asked someone why they were crying. They had not spoken for over twenty years because of an argument over a card game. They had lived a few blocks apart and had not seen each other in all that time until that occasion.
3. “If you have raised children to be kind, you have succeeded as a mother.”
There was never a time when she insisted any of her four children had to have professions that were looked upon as prestigious. But all of us have made our way successfully in life to some degree. I think it was because we were never criticized. She thought we were all wonderful.
I wrote a poem about her in my first book. It was titled, Luck From A Lady.
I’m lucky to have had a mother
who was convinced I was exceptional,
brilliant,
clever,
funny
and beautiful.
and who would have said,
if she learnedI had committed a crime,
she must have had a good reason.
When you grow up with that,
you nearly never notice
you’re not so smart or clever,
and that your face is falling down.
You always find a firm place to stand.
4. “Get your thinking straight.”
This was her favorite saying and takes all of the above into consideration. Sometimes, we need to stop and take some alone time to think things over. Perhaps we should not ask for so much advice. We know in our heart what is the best thing to do. But we need time to come to it. It could be a matter of getting over our pride or hurt feelings. Or, giving someone a pass this time.
Helen used to say that we don’t know what problems and worries other people have that would cause them to hurt us. We are not walking in their shoes. It could have nothing to do with us at all.
I am writing this piece in honor of her birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom.
We miss you and always will. But your wisdom lives on in our family.
Whenever we take time to remember it.
Like today.
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Corinne,
Helen was so right, about so many things. In my favor, I don’t need to take “action” like I did when I was a younger woman. Many times. taking action left me in the wake of poor decisions, some of which were life altering. Now, most time, I sleep it off and when asked, I tell everyone, “I never make important decisions the same day.” It helps to step back in the light of a new day.
And how important it is to give your children and grandchildren self confidence. Tell them you love them, that they are beautiful, smart and wonderful company. I always end my phone conversations with my children and grandchild with “I love you.”
Sondra
<p>Thank you, Sondra. You are right. The Beatles had it right. “All you need is love.”‘ Not only love, but the root is acceptance. We all need compliments, not criticism. It’s so easy to do that. Just a change of focus.</p>
<p>Can we shift from critics to cheeerleaders? Not a big change.</p>
Hi Corinne: Happy Birthday to your mother. I agree, she was quite a lady. Your brother just told me you had a blog. Good luck with it. I’ve been writing mine for about 3 months now. It’s sort of a resurrection of the newspaper column I used to do for 16 years. Best wishes, Sonja
Grandma “Burr” was the angel in my life. She was my mother’s mom. She told me “A man never stands taller than when he says–I am sorry!. Boy can that defuse an arguement!
So beautiful … so beautifully written. I know Helen through you and I know her wisdom was passed down to me through you. I did not have the benefit of having a mother who championed me like you did. But I am fortunate to have you as a business coach to guide me now in this stage of my life. Last night, I met a wonderful woman who has 3 daughters and who also had a loving mother. You can bet these 3 girls will have a better life because of the strong love of that woman’s mother. She had tears in her eyes as she spoke of missing her mother. You are ahead of the pack when you have someone like Helen in your corner. She would Be thrilled to know how you pass her wisdom on to you “girls” … of of us –men included.
Thank you Helen and yes, today, I will get my thinking straight.
One of the wisest women I knew was my grandmother, my Nana. Her gentle ways and kind words for all she came across established a lovely guideline for me to follow in my life. I will always be grateful to her, and to you for reminding me of what’s really important.
Thanks!
Dear Sonja -
What a wonderful surprise to hear from you after – must be – thirty years and hear your lovely comment about my mother who you knew well. That is the miracle of the Internet.
To my readers : Sonja is a talented writer and was a syndicated nationwide columnist for over 16 years. Her blog on food and the environment is a joy to read!
Go visit her at http://www.sonjarants.blogspot.com/
Dear Margaret -
Your comments touched my heart. You always contribute so much to the discussion on my articles.
Thank you for participating and for the plug as your business coach. You are a joy to work with and you are definitely “getting your thinking straight!”
Dear Louise and Stan -
Thanks for reminding us of grandmothers! Mine died when I was so young I never got the full measure of her loving value.
As a grandmother, I only hope I am remembered this way!
Love,
Corinne
Dear Corinne,
Your article on Mom was right on the mark. As you will remember, Dad was the principal influence in my life until I left home. I always sought (even craved) his approval, but nothing I ever did met with his satisfaction. The result was that I developed a serious self-esteem problem, which I covered up with a carefree, fun-loving mask. I had no interest in school work (I was really convinced that I was too dumb to learn anything)and barely got through high school.
I never thought of it until I read your comment, and it is true, that Mom never criticised me, and in fact gave me encouragement where I got only disparagement from Dad. I think I must have stored away her approval and love for future use.
Once I was on my own I discovered that I was a lot smarter than I had thought, and I was able to achieve a fair degree of success in life.
Love from your brother, Henry
I am Henry’s big sister. 13 months older.
As he was always small for his age, I was his defender with the bullies until he suddenly became 6’2″! I was a powerhouse – the tallest one in 5th grade but I remained 5’3″.
For the record, he was a top executive for several huge corporations and now, with his wife, Isabel, owns and operates one of the most successful art foundaries on the East coast! Not bad for someone who nearly flunked out of high school.
I guess Mom helped as he said. Fathers are important but I believe that Mothers are the most important influence in our lives.
Mothers are indeed the strongest influence on all of us. I own a business and make it a practice to never hire a woman who does not have a good relationship with her mother. I have seen first hand over and over and over just this: If my employee does not have a healthy relationship with her mother – SHE IS GOING TO FIND SOMEONE TO WORK IT OUT WITH — and it’s not going to be with me. That situation happened to me many times and then I finally figured it out. My own mother was extraordinarily negative and “absent” so, I too, went and found other women “to work it out with” … Now,because I have worked really hard on my own personal growth, I no longer have to find that new poor soul to “use”. Indeed some of these mother figures that I chose when I was a child no longer serve their initial purpose and some of these friendships need to be explored to see if they still work. As Corinne often says “Sometimes these people no longer have a part in your current play. Bless and value those days and then let them go.” I do and I did – thanks coach.
You have nailed it! I never thought of it that way, but looking back, the people who have caused me the most pain – including men – are the ones who have had a bad relationship with their mothers!
Live and learn. Thanks, Jacqueline!
I loved your Article on your Mom. I have very fond memories of my Aunt Helen. I remember those wonderful holidays at your home in Rockland County. The house was packed with family amd friends. Your Mom was beautiful, kind, funny and wonderful. She had a great laugh, one of those big fill-the-room kind of laughs. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT HELEN…….
My favorite blog by you. Written with a lot of love and heart — which is how I remember your mom.