My mother, Helen Coryat, would have been 97 this month.  She was a lovable, crazy Irish lady who was the last one dancing at every party and the first one to put her hand out if you were in trouble.

There was always some poor soul who dropped by for tea and was still sleeping on her couch a year later.  She helped everyone.

She was also a genius.  She had no high degrees from a university but she had something much more important.

What she had was WISDOM.

She had certain sayings that live on in my family although she has been gone from us for years.

Here are a few that she applied to the ordinary things in life:

1.  “When you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything.”

“Not making a decision is a decision,” she said.  She did not agree with the present gurus of self-help who insist you must take action no matter what.  And you take action now.  Think about it later.

Unless you are rescuing a child from being hit by a car, or you were in physical danger, she advised to wait until things cleared up in your mind.

I think of that often when I hear people listening to their friend’s advice or someone is advising me.  Statements like “Quit that job” and “Get rid of that bum” or “Tell your boss off” or “Call that person and tell them to shove it.”

Maybe you will decide to do all those things but her advice was to wait and let time pass.  You could be doing damage to your friendships or family that can never be repaired.   That telephone call or confrontation could cost you financially if your job is involved.  Perhaps you should line up something else first.  Angry words live forever.  They can never be taken back.

Helen called many of these things a “Ten minute feel-good moment.”

If you look back on your life, how often have those ten minutes cost you?

2.  “Twenty years from now it will make no difference.” 

Looking back on your life twenty years ago, you can see the wisdom in that statement.

Most of the things that were so important to you at that time make you laugh at yourself today.  Do you remember buying that car on time that you couldn’t afford to impress your friends?  Did you get married because everyone else was?  Did you start a feud in the family that is still going on?  Did you really need that expensive mink stole that is so out of fashion today?

I remember being at a wedding and seeing two elderly ladies in a corner with their arms around each other and crying.  They were sisters.

I didn’t know them.  I asked someone why they were crying.  They had not spoken for over twenty years because of an argument over a card game.  They had lived a few blocks apart and had not seen each other in all that time until that occasion.

3.  “If you have raised children to be kind, you have succeeded as a mother.”

There was never a time when she insisted any of her four children had to have professions that were looked upon as prestigious. But all of us have made our way successfully in life to some degree.  I think it was because we were never criticized.  She thought we were all wonderful.

I wrote a poem about her in my first book.  It was titled, Luck From A Lady. 

I’m lucky  to have had a mother

who was convinced I was exceptional,

brilliant,

clever,

funny

and beautiful. 

and who would have said,

if she learnedI had committed a crime, 

she must have had a good reason.

 When you grow up with that,

you nearly never notice

you’re not so smart or clever,

and that your face is falling down. 

You always find a firm place to stand.

4.  “Get your thinking straight.”

This was her favorite saying and takes all of the above into consideration.  Sometimes, we need to stop and take some alone time to think things over.   Perhaps we should not ask for so much advice.  We know in our heart what is the best thing to do. But we need time to come to it.  It could be a matter of getting over our pride or hurt feelings.  Or, giving someone a pass this time.

Helen used to say that we don’t know what problems and worries other people have that would cause them to hurt us. We are not walking in their shoes.  It could have nothing to do with us at all.

I am writing this piece in honor of her birthday.  Happy Birthday, Mom. 

We miss you and always will.  But your wisdom lives on in our family.

Whenever we take time to remember it.

Like today.