CHAPTER TWO – STEPS TO HEALING
Time has passed.
You’re done. You hope you are.
After much careful thought and pain, you know the relationship is over.- you’ve ended the relationship in your mind. You no longer have to speak those nasty words.
But you are in a state of limbo. You have almost no emotion left. You are numb.
How to start over? You know no other life.
This one probably went on for a long time and it was more like Chinese water torture.
Constant criticism, disapproval, disrespect. You could never do anything right. And the worst part about it is that you kept coming back for more. Trying to please. Looking for approval. Like a puppy who keeps bounding back only to be slapped down again.
It could be the smallest trigger that finally starts to end it for you. Almost a minor event. A receipt found for an expensive piece of jewelry. A nasty email from “her.” He came two hours late to pick up the children.
You finally have taken all you will take. All of a sudden, this person was starting to be history.
The initial reaction is exhilaration. Free at last! Free at last!
Then, about a week later, a sadness comes in. Did you act rashly? Were you unkind? Did you make a mistake? Funny how the victim blames themselves.
When a relationship ends it is like a death. You are in mourning. There is also some anger mixed in like what was wrong with you that you put up with it for so long.
You were not wrong in ending it. But the absence of abuse leaves a hole in your life that you have not learned to fill.
You have more work to do.
Here are some suggestions. Don’t discuss it with your friends. Rehashing it over and over brings back the pain.
What you might seriously consider, if you have not already done so, is see a therapist. This time you are going for YOU. Not to repair the relationship.
Not to justify your actions but perhaps to find out what is in your background that allowed you to put up with this for so long. There are so many instances where people keep ending up with the same abusive person with a different name and face. You don’t want to repeat this.
Expect that there is this new space in your life that you will have to fill with other things. But, you don’t have to do it immediately. You need time to adjust to all this free time where you are feeling unworthy.
Try not to plug the space with another person. You have other friends. See them. Treat yourself as a person with post traumatic stress disorder. You are in a process of healing.
Go to bed an hour earlier every day. Do not take on any extra responsibilities. Just go about your normal routine – nothing more.
Fill your extra time with some comfort. When is the last time you had a massage? A pedicure? Go shopping and buy yourself a celebration gift. Does not have to be expensive – just something you would enjoy seeing on your coffee table.
Buy flowers every week. Just for you. Not because you are entertaining.
Keep a journal of how you feel every day. Do not read it for a month. You will see then how far you have come.
Even the worst relationships have had some good moments. Write about these in your journal. There were some benefits. It was not all wasted time.
Remind yourself that we learn more from our failures than our successes.
Everyone will tell you to exercise. You don’t feel like it. But park your car further away from the supermarket. Get off the bus the block before your stop. A little activity can help you.
Be prepared that the person who is gone may not go away quietly. Have a plan how you will react if they suddenly start calling, or writing or showing up or sending you cards and gifts. Keep your plan.
You have taken a step in your life that is important. Give yourself credit for it.
The step is called self love.
Congratulations! You have started to love yourself.
Have you?
This is an excerpt. Would you like to read the rest of the book? I hope so.
LOVE ON THE ROCKS - Bad Relationships – Good Endings
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Self-love is a very important thing, because not everyone can have this feeling. Thanks a lot for sharing this post
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Twitter: miraclady
February 21, 2012 at 11:51 am
Self love is the hardest part. We have been trained to love everyone but us.
Would you please put your name in your comments? I like to know who I am talking to. Hate to spam you because I think you actually read my posts.
Thanks for your always intelligent comments.
Corinne recently posted..LOVE ON THE ROCKS – Bad Relationships – Good Endings – now on Amazon
Twitter: happmakernowco
February 20, 2012 at 11:51 am
Good tips Corinne for start a new life. I like the one best about not getting into another relationship quickly. this can really lead to more mistakes.
For me I had to have time to firgure out why I did marry who I did. What were the real reasons. And most of the time these reasons are not true love.
Learning to truely love yourself is a must.
Thanks again and founds like a great book. I’ll have to see what it says.
Blessing always,
Debbie
Debbie recently posted..Don’t Do These 10 Things When Fighting with your Spouse
Twitter: miraclady
February 21, 2012 at 11:56 am
Dear Debbie -
I feel I know you like a sister.
Knew something – some decisions were going on but did not want to ask.
The only thing I can say is to evaluate the relationship you are in and deciding – not why you got into it – but does it have enough value to stay in it?
Available anytime to chat. You have my number.
Corinne recently posted..LOVE ON THE ROCKS – Bad Relationships – Good Endings – now on Amazon
Twitter: miraclady
February 21, 2012 at 11:57 am
PS@Debbie. Get the book. There is some real meat there.
Corinne recently posted..LOVE ON THE ROCKS – Bad Relationships – Good Endings – now on Amazon
Twitter: makegirlfriends
February 20, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Dear Corinne,
I can totally relate for I have been there – the victim – I love your analogy of keep coming back for more – I DID this and what was I thinking. I kept taking him back after finding out about the affair with an acquaintance of mine but the good thing I did for myself is that I moved myself to California – farthest state from Florida.
Not repeating the same thing over is the key to truly getting over the experience of the abuse. To truly free yourself from the past we must understand how we got there in the first place. Break that and you are truly FREE!
I would buy sunflowers for myself every week while in California and still do. You are so right, they will try to contact you again – have a plan!
Great stuff my friend!
In gratitude,
Nancy
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Twitter: miraclady
February 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm
Dear Nancy -
Everytime I go to the supermarket and they are selling sunflowers, I think of you.
Since you are the expert – how do you get them to stand straight up? I love them too. they are so cheerful.
This is so true and it almost always happens -
“You are so right, they will try to contact you again – have a plan..”
I never understood why a man will not accept NO as an answer. They do have regrets, I am sure, but that does not mean that they have changed anything.
Corinne recently posted..LOVE ON THE ROCKS – Bad Relationships – Good Endings – now on Amazon
Twitter: earnnews24
February 21, 2012 at 8:40 pm
nice and useful post , thanks for sharing
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You have gather a well indeed ideas with us, Love is passion but the beauty and lovely color it left will fades away if you can’t learn to love your self…
Krizelle recently posted..Michael Fiore Text The Romance Back Review – Does It Work?
sometimes discussing it with friends and talking about the past makes you get pinched again emotionally. So it’s better to avoid this kinds of issues and talk of something else. But other people who discussed about this certain issues are fine and ok with them. While others even tend to offer the subject matter.
I agree with previous commentators about self-love. we all should try to develop this feeling
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Hello Corrine, another great thoughts and words of wisdom to ponder. Self-love is really important because sometimes we forget to love first ourselves and in the end we keep hurting ourselves.
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ok so i got a gig at my schools valentine ball and need a few nice, but not that hard, love rock songs.. any ideas?
Twitter: raymond8
March 5, 2012 at 3:34 am
Great excerpt.
Though I do not want to relationship to end, I learn much about self-love today
Raymond Chua recently posted..Stress Relievers
I am writing a compare and contrast essay and I am comparing a character name Parvana to myself. Parvana is a poor girl who living in Afghanistan when the Taliban are ruling. She has dressed like a girl and become the “bread winner” of her family since her dad was taken away to prison for no reason. A bread winner is the provider of a family.
There are times that we tend to forget how to love ourselves when we do love other people. We choose to sacrifice lots of things just to prove how much we love them. But unfortunately, we can’t clearly see how much pain we are going through whenever we feel that we’re not appreciated. Then in the end, they will also leave us all alone.
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Impressive blog with good writing. I think is also a need to share with everyone. I found that the majority of the people commented with your blog are agree what you are trying to say. I’m sure that all the woman out there loved your post most especially those who are totally related about your article. I am glad to find your impressive way of writing the post Corinne. Good tips!