CHAPTER THREE – RELATIONSHIPS AND THE “BIG FIX”
I have heard so many people, after a breakup, say that they will be able to get over it as soon as they meet a new lover.
That will heal it. It is the “big fix!”
If life is like a schoolroom, which I believe it is, experts say you cannot successfully “fix” one relationship with another.
One lesson must be learned, and brought to peace and conclusion, before another is attempted.
This does not necessarily mean that both parties part peacefully right away. That may take time. I am talking about peace in your heart. The lesson must be absorbed, be completed, before the next relationship is started.
That means no more leftover midnight review conversations about what went wrong, e-mails , last goodbye weekends or what is commonly referred to as “completions.”
These prolong the agony of the separation. You know it is doing you no good. This person still has free rent in your head most of the day.
But it is hard to stop. You will not listen to anyone – your mother, your friends, your sister – even yourself.
There has to be a “click.” I don’t know what causes it. But one morning, you wake up and the relationship is history. Then, you are ready for the real “fix!” It is over.
So, finally, you are there. After a time, perhaps you have met someone you feel you might really care about.
Probably, you haven’t. But it is time to plan.
In this possible new relationship, you might think about new rules. You have to be available to each other. If either of you can run back to the old love if there is a snag, you are not likely to make a go of it.
You have to be the only game in town for each other. There are no guarantees that it will work out but this is the only chance to see if it does.
Primary, important relationships require concentrated attention. It is not work. But, it is an adjustment. They require exclusivity. Protection. Almost like being in a capsule.
If we still have the faint inclination to filter through that old partner if it gets a little bumpy, it is no longer a private affair. Just put a big X through that thought in your mind. You don’t need to know “how he’s doing.” That chapter in your book is over.
This is a new joining of two whole people. Two good people who hold each others’ interest as their own.
Which brings up to a point that is so basic that it is ignored. If you want a good man, you have to be a good woman. If you want a good woman, you have to be a good man.
We have to be what we want. And we have to be ready.
A man or a woman has to join with another who is at the same juncture, the same crossroad, the same gate. Timing is everything.
You can be ready to bake a cake but if you are out of flour, you don’t have the ingredients for a cake. And it is important to be honest that you are into baking.
I have heard that in the first twenty minutes, a man will tell you three things. If he wants to be married, if he belongs to Mensa and if he graduated from Harvard.
Be careful is the answer to the first point is - BUT NOT NOW.
Women are generally not so honest. If a man tells us he is not serious about a long term relationship, we do not believe him. We secretly say to ourselves, “Oh, I can change that.”
We must change. If our intention is long term or marriage, we should mention it when things start to get serious. We don’t have to add, “I want a life partner now and you are it.” That would scare anyone off.
On the other hand, mentioning your intention for your future will not scare the kind of person with whom you would like to share your life someday.
Think about it, if a man runs at that news, you have saved a lot of time and future heartbreak.
In A Course in Miracles, there is a wonderful paragraph that speaks of this.
“What do you want to come of this? What is it for? The clarification of the goal belongs at the beginning, for it is this which will determine the outcome” (T,266)
If we come from this base of honesty and joining with another, we can open to the ideal of what joining means.
It does not mean capture. It is not manipulation or entrapment. It is welcoming another human being to be our family. It is true integrity.
Hopefully, this will be the “one” and you will walk into the proverbial sunset together.
But, if this new relationship does not work out as you expected, there is still plenty of work to do.
We have to practice being friends and “good people” to the people we have in our ordinary lives every day. By keeping our agreements – not out of obligations but out of caring, consideration and concern for each other’s interests.
We are in training for our next important romantic relationship.
So, you might sit down and write a long, personal ad.
List all the good things you want in a partner. But, don’t put it on the Internet. Put it out to the Universe this time. That dating site has the largest circulation.
Then, look at the ad and realize that all the things you listed, the qualities you are seeking in another, you already have within you.
You possess all that goodness and love within YOU right now. You have proven it by doing the work to turn into the person you want.
Congratulations. Now, you may still want someone – but you don’t need them.
And, that is the “BIG FIX.”
This is an excerpt