She told me her tale of woe. My new Life Coach client said she came to me because of a problem she could not solve. She was very worried about her husband’s health and her friend was spreading her problems all over town.

I listened carefully for a long time. Did not comment during her long dissertation.

Her husband was diabetic and refused to take care of himself by changing his diet, losing weight and cutting out his drinking.

She had nagged and nagged. She had emptied the house of anything that even resembles a carbohydrate. Her kids complained there was nothing “good” to eat anywhere. And not a drop of liquor or even a beer in the frig.

But, we cannot put a tail on the person to control what he eats or drinks when he leaves the house. And alcoholics are masters of hiding things in the most unlikely places where you would never think of looking. Overeaters also have their stash in strange places. 200 candy bars in an empty computer box in the garage? She discovered that one day.

Finally, I said, “OK, here are our goals in your coaching.”

1. Never get into a fight you can’t win.
2. Don’t hand bullets to a person who is holding a gun on you.

She was surprised. She thought we were going to explore all the reasons for what she thought was her problem.

Did she have had a fear of abandonment? Or commitment? She was blaming herself for not being able to help him. She had read way too many self-help books.

Life Coaching is a new breed of counseling. Dealing with the now.

You would think we would know better than getting into a fight we can’t win. Whether it is a simple matter of why your husband will not empty the dishwasher so you can start another load – or something more important.

Give it up, I advised. If you can’t control something, quit. You are not going to win that battle. As a matter of fact, you are making it worse because the person whose case you are on digs in.

Anthony DeMello, the late Jesuit priest, wrote many books on spirituality. He also addressed some very practical issues.

When he was discussing changing other people, one of my favorite quotes was -

“Don’t attempt to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time — and irritates the pig.”

She decided to quit irritating the pig. Things got better. For her. Not her loved one. I suggested she join Al-Anon. After a few sessions, she is coping with her problem and contemplating her next move. Not for him. For her.

The other area we explored is “not handing bullets to someone who is holding a gun on you.”

She had a close friend in whom she confided everything. What she did not realize is that everything she told her was repeated everywhere.

She didn’t think her friend was malicious. She was just a compulsive talker. She talked and talked about everything and everyone. Just could not stop.

Some people who spread gossip are not as benign.

I have a neighbor who everyone thinks is a very “holy” person. She is active in her church. She has a unique way of spreading news. It is under the guise of helpfulness and left sided compliments.

I met her in the supermarket. She stopped me to say, “When you see your neighbor, Carol, be nice to her. Her husband is a drunk and beat her up badly. Poor thing.”

I was also the target of her gossip. A neighbor had died and I went to the wake.

She was talking to a group of people as I passed her. This is what she was saying.

“Corinne has been such a good friend. Dorothy’s (the departed) brother has been staying with her for two weeks. You know, of course, he is a priest. But she has plenty of room as she lives alone.”

Hmmm. Nice tidbit for thought. People like her are dangerous and hard to censure.

In the meantime, my client stopped confiding in her friend. She stopped telling anyone except her new friends at Al-Anon what was going on in her life. One of the agreements of that association is confidentiality.

Talking about problems is a “ten minute feel good moment.” But the damage you can do to your relationship and your children by exposing all the dirty laundry in your family can go on for years. Long after, hopefully, the problem you are having is solved.

She was not a client for long. A Life Coach who listens can put the finger on the core of problems quickly.

Last I heard, things had improved a little after a few false starts on her husband’s part. But since she took the pressure off she says he is making more of an effort to follow his doctor’s orders. At least, he is listening. She is hoping for a healthy outcome.

But she is a different person. She is not ignoring the problem but she is making a life for herself where her happiness does not depend on what her husband is doing to help himself today.

Life Coaching is not long term therapy. Actually, it is not therapy at all. It is mostly listening. Most people have their own answers. They just need a tour leader.

She’ll probably come back from time to time for a “touch-up.” Most people do.

But she is no longer in a fight she can’t win. And she is keeping her all her “bullets” in a lockbox.

She is keeping her powder dry.

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