I still haven’t seen Pumpkin.
And I have been a visitor at his home in California for three days. He has been under the bed since I arrived. My son and daughter in law say this is not unusual for him.
Gilmore, his brother, has made a few tentative appearances – one where he actually came up and gave my hand a sniff. But as soon as I tried to touch him – he was gone. Under the bed with Pumpkin.
I understand that this behavior is not unusual with Feral cats – those who have been adopted out of the wild. They have not been accustomed to humans from the time of their birth.
It made me wonder if this attitude was typical with some humans. Are some of us more wary than others? Are there Feral people?
Or is it possible that we push too hard to form relationships? Would it be better if we had a lighter touch when approaching a new client for business – or even someone new in our personal life?
There is so much emphasis in all the business books about “getting the order.” And yet, they follow this by the wisdom that people do business with those they like. People they know and have learned to trust.
It would seem that in order to be liked, we might want to let people have more of a “sniff” for a while to see if they wanted to know us better.
In personal relationships, do we tell all too soon? Again, all the advice in the dating books and the emphasis on being open – but who needs to know our whole life story the first time we meet? Could it be too much too soon? Do we need to reveal all our warts at once?
Could it put someone off to hear about your bitter divorce? I once met a man who spent a lot of time dating women from the Internet sites. He told me he started to restrict his criteria to meeting only widows – not divorcees. They had too many angry stories. He was interested in being with a cheerful and interesting person. Dirty laundry did not make for a pleasant evening.
Back to the kitties -
After a few days, Gilmore hung around me more. He did not sit on my lap but one day I was reading and I noticed he had come downstairs and was taking a nice nap in the sunshine about six feet away. Who knows? Maybe if I had been there a few more days, we may have started a nice relationship. I may have made the sale.
Pumpkin also surfaced once but he did not stay. He took a long look at me with his beautiful yellow eyes and when I looked back, he was upstairs again under the bed.
The Pumpkins of the world are tough. Maybe they require too much effort for the rewards they can grant us. Perhaps we should go for an easier sale. Someone who is not afraid of us. Someone with whom we can have an easier time in establishing a relationship.
I’ll try again next visit to California. It would be nice to get to know Pumpkin.
But I know one truth. Maybe in business or in personal or even more intimate relationships.
Let the cat come to you. They may like you and decide to stay.
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I do this with my best friend’s grandson when we both visit his grandmother at the same time. He isn’t sure of me and hasn’t decided if he likes me or not. I know instintively that the best way to handle him is to let him come to me when he makes up his mind.
There are some people that are so wounded by family or society that need to be gentled in this way before you can get close enough to know them. Usually my experience is that the time that I give them is well worth the effort of getting past their defenses. Usually there is a wonderful gem beneath the shyness.
We have a feral cat that we have been feeding outside since she was born. Only in the past 2 years have we been able to get her to stay on our back porch when we walk outside. She usually runs the second she hears or sees us. My husband and his kind heart continues to feed her.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworkers last blog post..Grieving—A Necessary Process For Healing
So very true! Our Oscar, however, is no Feral Cat. He LOVES attention, from the very start. But I find the concept true in other relationships as well. Rather than going door to door telling people who you are, seeking them out, isn’t it so much better to make your presence known with your expertise in an area and then people come flocking to you? You’re absolutely right when you talk about building relationships… and when we do, just like the cat, they will come… TO YOU!
Dear Patricia -
One of your talents is that you are a wonderful storyteller. And you let us in with these great little snippets of your life that we all enjoy.
As a result of that, although we have never met, I feel I know you very well. Like an old friend.
Thanks for your always loving support and for sharing your life with me and all your readers!
Thanks, Lori, for commenting and telling us about Oscar. I would love to meet him. I love cats. Let me know when he’s in town.
Just looked at your site. You are one talented lady! I’ll be back!
With your great attitude, I am sure many people flock to you!
I find that’s especially true with children Corinne. It really irks me when children are presented and expected to kiss you. It really can’t promote a good relationship when you thrust someone into that position.
Karen, thanks for bringing that up. i can remember, as a child, being made to kiss smelly old “aunts” and “uncles” I had never seen before!
I even tell my own children not to make their kids kiss their grandmother (me!)
PS I get a lot of more hugs and kisses that way.
Corinne:
I totally enjoyed this one b/c while I was reading it, I was reminded of actual cats that would first approach me warily but when I showed no sense of anxiety to pet it, it would eventually come around and rub against my legs, purring.
Yes, there are people like feral cats. I sense them the moment they walk in the door and know enough to give them the room they need.
Like you said, many sales books emphasize “going for the order” but I prefer to develop relationships even if it takes longer. There’s a saying I heard somewhere that “no one wants to be sold but they certainly want to buy.”
And they’ll buy from someone they like. That’s how I am. Confronted with a pushy salesperson, I’m out the door in flash but if I encounter a person who seems friendly, caring, genuine and helpful, I’ll go out of my way to make sure that person gets the sale b/c I felt “unthreatened.”
Great analogy! I wish I had thought of that. You’re a genius.
Stephen Hopsons last blog post..End of the Week Gratitude Theme #30
Hi Corinne, it’s very true, some people are so afraid of bonding. It means opening yourself more and you will be able to get hurt… but I don’t see that it’s always our mistake, it can also they are too afraid of opening themselves, their trauma, etc.
But the point is, appreciate each step they take to approach you… at least it will help in healing them.
Interesting observation!
Robert
Dear Stephen -
You have taught me a lot of things about building relationships. That is what your blog is all about. You are no Feral cat. You have a large community of people who not only relate to you – but what I love on your blog is that they talk to each other.
Dear Robert -
Bonding is hard because we are risking exposing our soft underbelly! I think we all feel that if people really KNEW us they would not like what they find.
But, risk we must. Or we have no one in our lives.
To win the lottery – we have to buy a ticket!
Hi Corrine, I really like your analogy – “why force it?” If you have to work that hard you’re not in the flow anyway.
JoLynn Braleys last blog post..Drop the Excuses – Sit Tight & Work Out with Richard Simmons