Albert from the Urban Monk has written a series of articles on setting boundaries. He inspired me to write this article.

Most of us are not too good at this. We are very likely to say –

“Who the hell does he/she think he is????”
“How dare you talk behind my back?”

Or worse. Make a call. Tell them off. Send a letter or an email. Then we call everyone we know to tell the story how we have been victimized. Starting with your sister and close friends – then moving on to your phone book. People you haven’t contacted in years. Your roommate in college. You can’t stop. You want confirmation about how you have been insulted. After all you have done for this person!.

And everyone agrees. You have been done wrong! That adds more fuel to your fire. Now, you are really mad! With every call we get madder. And legitimately so. So what do you do?

JUST STOP. JUST SHUT UP! (very hard)

The first thing is to decide if the offense is great enough to break off the relationship permanently. That’s the easy answer. You just say, “I am out of here. Don’t darken my door or emails again.” And mean it.

Perhaps it is not that easy. It could be a member of your family or a very long term friend and you cannot really disengage like that. They may be a part of your life that involves other close associations. Maybe even your livelihood.

Some beginning and interim steps could start with:

Stop calling everyone and telling them about it. Don’t talk about it at all. Give your self some time to calm down. Nothing has to be done today. Really!

Get some distraction. Anything. Go to the supermarket. Pay your bills. Take a walk. Watch reruns of Sex and the City. The objective here is to stop obsessing about it for a while so you can calm down. The objective here is to try to get to a point of objectivity. You can’t think clearly when you are so upset. In the meantime, have no contact with the person who has caused you pain. Check your caller ID and do not answer the phone, the door or any emails. Call in sick. You are out. Try to do these things for two days. More if you can.

Have you calmed down a little? Can you look at this from a new perspective? The old adage that there are three sides to every story is usually true. Yours. Theirs. And the real story. Can you face that possibility yet? I know this is hard to take but there is a grain of truth in every controversy. Are you willing to look for it?

You may not be able to completely stay away from the person who has hurt you. It could be someone at your job or a close family or friend. If you can, can you refuse to discuss it right now? Can you play nice? Put your t shirt on that reads, “Plays well with others” for just a while.

If you get to this point, can you ignore the whole situation for a while? Eventually, you will have to have a discussion about the dispute. Make an appointment with the person but in a completely different environment - not in the office or in your home or theirs. Someplace where it may be embarrassing to have a shout out.

Make a written agenda for the meeting. Ask the other person to do the same. Go into the meeting with an open heart. You want to strike a compromise here so prepare your words carefully. Avoid things like what you did to me. Come in with the attitude more with how it made you feel. Start with an attitude that you really want to solve this or come to some agreement on SOMETHING. If only that you both want to mend the break in the relationship.

If all else fails, and you have to end the relationship, do it with the feeling that it has benefited you in the past, you will never forget the good and it could be repaired in the distant future. Try not to burn all the bridges down.

Then JUST SHUT UP! Go on with your life. This whole matter has taken up enough free rent in your head.

Read Albert’s articles at the Urban Monk: