Albert from the Urban Monk has written a series of articles on setting boundaries. He inspired me to write this article.
Most of us are not too good at this. We are very likely to say –
“Who the hell does he/she think he is????”
“How dare you talk behind my back?”
Or worse. Make a call. Tell them off. Send a letter or an email. Then we call everyone we know to tell the story how we have been victimized. Starting with your sister and close friends – then moving on to your phone book. People you haven’t contacted in years. Your roommate in college. You can’t stop. You want confirmation about how you have been insulted. After all you have done for this person!.
And everyone agrees. You have been done wrong! That adds more fuel to your fire. Now, you are really mad! With every call we get madder. And legitimately so. So what do you do?
JUST STOP. JUST SHUT UP! (very hard)
The first thing is to decide if the offense is great enough to break off the relationship permanently. That’s the easy answer. You just say, “I am out of here. Don’t darken my door or emails again.” And mean it.
Perhaps it is not that easy. It could be a member of your family or a very long term friend and you cannot really disengage like that. They may be a part of your life that involves other close associations. Maybe even your livelihood.
Some beginning and interim steps could start with:
Stop calling everyone and telling them about it. Don’t talk about it at all. Give your self some time to calm down. Nothing has to be done today. Really!
Get some distraction. Anything. Go to the supermarket. Pay your bills. Take a walk. Watch reruns of Sex and the City. The objective here is to stop obsessing about it for a while so you can calm down. The objective here is to try to get to a point of objectivity. You can’t think clearly when you are so upset. In the meantime, have no contact with the person who has caused you pain. Check your caller ID and do not answer the phone, the door or any emails. Call in sick. You are out. Try to do these things for two days. More if you can.
Have you calmed down a little? Can you look at this from a new perspective? The old adage that there are three sides to every story is usually true. Yours. Theirs. And the real story. Can you face that possibility yet? I know this is hard to take but there is a grain of truth in every controversy. Are you willing to look for it?
You may not be able to completely stay away from the person who has hurt you. It could be someone at your job or a close family or friend. If you can, can you refuse to discuss it right now? Can you play nice? Put your t shirt on that reads, “Plays well with others” for just a while.
If you get to this point, can you ignore the whole situation for a while? Eventually, you will have to have a discussion about the dispute. Make an appointment with the person but in a completely different environment – not in the office or in your home or theirs. Someplace where it may be embarrassing to have a shout out.
Make a written agenda for the meeting. Ask the other person to do the same. Go into the meeting with an open heart. You want to strike a compromise here so prepare your words carefully. Avoid things like what you did to me. Come in with the attitude more with how it made you feel. Start with an attitude that you really want to solve this or come to some agreement on SOMETHING. If only that you both want to mend the break in the relationship.
If all else fails, and you have to end the relationship, do it with the feeling that it has benefited you in the past, you will never forget the good and it could be repaired in the distant future. Try not to burn all the bridges down.
Then JUST SHUT UP! Go on with your life. This whole matter has taken up enough free rent in your head.
Read Albert’s articles at the Urban Monk:
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Hi Corinne,
You are spot on with “Stop calling everyone and telling them about it. Don’t talk about it at all. Give your self some time to calm down. Nothing has to be done today. Really!”….nothing does need to be done today! Sometimes it’s so easy to get all worked up when if instead you could sit back or do something else like you said, then after a day or so the situation will start to mellow and you can look at it with a clear head.
I’ve done both before and I can say that I have much more inner peace by going with the second option – just doing nothing about it.
Great advice in a marriage as well.. Don’t go tell all your friends/family/co-workers all your dirty laundry. It’s not anyone else’s business.
I need to do this more. I must say, I have been getting a little better, but no where near “there” yet.
Dear JoLynn -
Yes, of course you are right. We feel we have to take action on any mental assault immediately. Funny how a few days, if we can do it, can change or delay action.
Thanks for your very thoughtful comment!
Dear Michelle -
Your idea is brilliant and deserves an article of its own!
How many times has a friend confided herrrendous tales of abuse from a husband?
Then they make up and are lovey dovey and we can’t even look at the man with a straight face for a long time!
An outstanding example of shutting up!
Dear Mark -
It is very hard! I really wrote that article about myself and I read it over and over so I remember not to react!
Serious learning here. Not just for my readers!
I often choose to shut up and don’t bother about it.
I am in control of my life!
Good for you, Raymond!
You are an advanced soul. Tell us more how you do it. Most of us are behind in letting things go and SHUTTING UP!
Great attitude Corinne!
We should shut up towards others, but not sometimes we have to confront the person that wrong us. Not with emotional outbursts, or hoping others to change, but more of letting others know, and grow others. Isn’t that better?
Btw, happy Mother’s Day!
Robert
Well, Corrine, first, I’ll think if the matter would really affect my life in a negative way. If not, I would not bother it at all and keep telling myself that I’m in control of my life and not controlled by others.
For example, if a person upset with me because I say NO to them and tell everybody about how bad I am, then I would not bother about it at all.
If I spend my precious time to argue, explain and upset about that, then I would associate this as my life is being controlled by others where people can make me feel what I don’t want to feel and make me do what I don’t want to do.
I hate to be controlled and that motivates me to SHUT UP!
I would just go and move on with my life pretending that nothing happens.
Corinne:
Did something happen in your life that inspired you to write this awesome article?
As I was reading it, my mind flashed bck to a couple of arguments I had with a friend (or two) and how hard it was to stop talking about it. We do that because we want to be told we were right and the other person was wrong. “Of course he was DEAD WRONG. You have every right to be angry.”
You brought up a very good point about shutting up and not talking about it. Why? Because when we talk about it, we are adding more energy to it and making it even bigger than it needs to be. Adding fuel to the fire with your thoughts/energy.
I remember when soemone said something that particularly hurt me (this was a while ago). I couldn’t stop talking about it for months. In the end, I realized I was hurting myself more by talking about it instead of releasing the problem with love. Turning it over to God to handle. I do that now whenever I’m in that situation. I just let it go and come back to the problem a few days later if it’s still there (more often than not, the problem cools down after a day or so).
Well, Stephen, Mr. Smarty Pants -
Of course it was about me.
I’ll tell you all about it someday – privately!
Or – I might just SHUT UP!
Corinne:
I just love, love, love your sense of humor. Good God, I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had been rolling on the floor with your antics had we been able to extend our visit a bit longer when MichelleVan and I were there for the SOBCon08 conference.
Aha, “Mr. Smarty Pants”? Hmmmm……well, that could work. LOL.