Yeah, that’s me. I could not resist dragging out the pictures of my trip to China after watching the Olympics. It was my most unforgettable journey.
Especially, the Great Wall!
In 221 BC, the Emperor Qin ordered connecting the walls once built by the other states as well as adding some sections of his own. This was their main defense against foreign invaders.
Yes, 221 BC! The Emperor Qin knew the wisdom of saying “NO” that many years ago.
Over two thousand years later, why do we have so much guilt about saying NO?
Because of our personal history. We were brought up to be people pleasers. Be nice. Even if we are stretching beyond our capacity.
A friend told me that her main memory of her mother was saying, “Be the good one.”
This is not to say we don’t help when we are able. Especially for the people who need us – people with whom we are closely involved.
But most of us are already overloaded. We are struggling to pay our bills, working, have heavy family responsibilities with our families, taking care of everyday matters like shopping, laundry, preparing meals, doing as much volunteer work as we can in our communities – all the necessary elements of living a life.
Then, a person we barely know calls and asks us to take on a huge job. We don’t know how to turn them down. They are our “foreign invaders!”
So, we say yes – because we don’t know how to say NO.
Here is a secret. That person has a list in front of them. You are number four on that list. They have a dozen names left to call for the same job.
They will find someone else to do it. Someone who has more time –(or maybe another person who does not know how to say NO)
We are trying to squeeze out just a little time for ourselves. To read a book or take a walk or a bicycle ride. Necessary time that is already hard to come by.
Are we not entitled to just a little pleasure? To think or to relax?
Are we not important too?
We are trained to be all things to all people. We are not trained that we are people too.
Just say “No, perhaps another time.” The world will go spinning on without our help on that project. Nothing terrible will happen.
It only hurts for a minute. It could enhance the quality of our health for a lifetime.
It is time for us to save our time for things that are really important to us.
To build our own Great Wall.
Not in China. They already have one.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
You hit the nail on the head. It’s amazing to me how many people don’t realize “no” is an option. I had a participant in a stress workshop once who said “I say yes because I’m afraid of losing my friends.” I said “What kind of friends do you have who can’t appreciate your need to say no”. There was only silence.
No doubt it’s hard, I still struggle with it, but when it happens it can be very freeing!
Staceys last blog post..Being Present – Taking Time to Be Grateful
Corrine, this is so true! I used to be one of those people who always said yes and because people knew I was a sure thing they always asked me first. I have since learned how to take charge of my own life and now I only say “yes” when I want to and when it fits into my life. It’s amazing how building that wall helped me to build my personal freedom! By the way!!! Wow!! Amazing picture. I will someday stand on that wall and I’ll be sure to send you the picture
Dear Stacy -
“Friends” usually know your situation and I don’t think these real friends will even ask you to take on a huge volunteer project.
And, if they do, they will not be lost!
Maybe for a minute. But they recover!
Dear Melissa -
Put China on your priority list. It is so different!
Please send me the picture! I want to see you there.
Yes, saying NO is freeing. But you have to be definite. Don’t ask any questions about the project. That will encourage the person asking. They will continue to pursue you!
Just say NO! SORRY, NO!
I found that practicing saying no in the mirror REALLY DOES HELP… It’s the process I finally had to go through when I became overwhelmed with projects.
If someone stops liking you because you don’t do what they ask, then you’re being used by them and probably don’t want them as a friend anyway.
Raymond Chuas last blog post..Do Not Drill Your Boat
Dear Lori -
Thanks for the idea! I am going to try it in the mirror too!
Dear Raymond –
This is so true! Thanks!
“If someone stops liking you because you don’t do what they ask, then you’re being used by them and probably don’t want them as a friend anyway.”
Twitter: joubess
August 30, 2008 at 2:30 pm
You are right, Corinne. We are a bunch of people pleasers and say yes when we should be saying no or not this time or please keep me in mind in the future.
If you hate saying no just say “please call me next time”. Maybe next time you’ll be able to say yes out of “yes I can” rather than “I don’t want to say no”. But for heaven’s sake, quit saying yes when you need to say no!
Sherri
Being the Change I Wish to See – Sherris last blog post..Hillary put 18 million supporters on Barack’s horse…
Good one you got there Corinne – BTW, you must have had a marvelous time visiting the Great Wall.
Saying NO. Yes, I know this is a powerful thing to do for yourself. I’ve gotten a lot better at it. For instance, when the chairman of my church’s foundation resigned, I was automatically elevated to the chairman’s position since I was already vice chair. I knew immediately, deep down in my guts, that I did not want the position becuase it didn’t feel right.
So not long after the ascension, I announced that I would not take it and requested a replacement right away. That felt GOOD.
I was asked to contribute to a person’s blog on an ongoing basis. This was someone I actually met over the summer at a blogging conference. Whe he asked, I knew immediately I didn’t want to be a contributor. Again my guts were talking to me. To soften the blow I told him I’d look into it.
After a week, I talked to him on the phone and was very honest and upfront saying I did not feel this was a good fit. I was concerned about “hurting his feelings.” But went with it and that was that. To my surprise, he handled it just fine and it was over.
What we need to realize is that people can handle it if you say no to them. Give them more respect and honor. Their spirits are stronger than you imagine them to be. We do ourselves and them a dis-service if we don’t do what’s right for ourselves by saying “Yes” when we know deep down we should say “No.”
One more example and that’ll be it. Someone wrote to me asking if he could be interviewed on my blog. I told him no, not because he wasn’t worthy but becuase he didn’t have a blog. He was a life coach and I knew he wanted to promote his life coaching business. Nothing wrong with wanting to do that but I felt this was an attemp;t to use me as an advertiser for free and that somehow didn’t sit right with me. I knew if I had let him be interviewed, I would have felt “run over” and that would have been my fault – not his. So I was glad I said, NO.
Thanks for letting me share.
Stephen Hopsons last blog post..End of the Week Gratitude Theme #43
Dear Sherri -
Yes, you are more diplomatic than I am.
I say, GET OFF THE LIST!
Believe me if you say call me another time, you WILL get a call from the person who called you – or another on a project that perhaps is not quite as challenging but still over your limit!
They have a list.
When a volunteer job you have time to do arrives – it will find you or you will find it!
Only you can decide when to say YES! We all have been involved in major projects along the way. And have loved them!
I did five years as a volunteer in a self esteem project for prostitutes. It was one of the most fulfilling times of my life.
You can read about it here.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/unhooked-and-free-the-prostitutes/
Dear Stephen -
I am quite surprised at the feedback I have been getting on this article.
I thought I would be “flamed” by lots of people who say I am selfish and not community minded.
Quite the opposite – even YOU – who is one of the most giving and big hearted people I know.
I like your point that you have to listen to your gut! If it is really right for us, we make room for it somehow!
I guess I had to write this article after all!
Corinne –
I think it’s selfish only if we ALWAYS say no – and never do anything to help others. I think the point you make though, is some people have a problem of always saying yes, and need to learn to say no. I agree with that =)
Also, Stephen, one thing I’ve also noticed is there are times where I think someone will take a rejection personally and/or be deflated, so we try to soften the blow – when really I was just being overly sensitive to their needs, and it wasn’t such a big deal after all to say no to them.
Sid Savaras last blog post..The Curse of the Worst Acceptable Solution
Hi Sid -
My problem, along the way, is always saying YES!
I am more careful now. And I have discovered that if I say NO, the world does not stop and shame me.
The people just move on!
Loved your post about the Ipod! What persistance!
And thanks for the compliment about my poem and welcome as a new subscriber!
Love the photo Corinne! I’ve just got back from China as you know. Although I didn’t get to the great wall, I had a wonderful time. …
BTW. I say NO as I’m already booked,or I use my daughter as an excuse to say NO!… Also, I say no all the time as I need a lot of down time..
Michelle Vandepass last blog post..What Are The Myths to Living Your Life Purpose? Podcast
Corinne -
Thanks for your kind words. You’re right, we always think the world revolves around us and will come to an end if we don’t do everything, but life has a way of working itself out, even when we don’t always have the time to say yes =)
Michelle, I like the “good cop bad cop” idea of using your daughter as an excuse
.
Sid Savaras last blog post..The Curse of the Worst Acceptable Solution
Very true, sometimes we should think about ourselves, find time to relax and have fun, enjoy life the fullest while it lasts, I’m not saying stop working, but we need to pause and say “no” for a while.
San Antonio Attorneys last blog post..Get Assistance From Lawyers That Care NOW!
One of my dreams is to walk throught the Chinesse Wall. Hope someday that would be possible. Good post though.