It was during a break at a large meeting.
And you approached someone you had contacted by email – a long friendly email. Introduced yourself with a big smile.
So nice to meet you in person.
Silence and a blank stare.
You had not interrupted a conversation. Expected at least a gracious comment in return – even if they somehow missed the email.
After what seemed like an eternity, the person muttered something and turned away to someone else.
The fog moved in.
You are left there wishing a hole would open in the floor and you could just disappear into it.
The shark is back. It has a name.
SHAME
Those who have gone through enough pain can tell you. It is the child you have covered up. It is you. It is me.
A lot of books have been written about healing this wounded child.
Dr. Kenneth Moses, a noted psychologist in the field of grieving, says the child can’t be healed. That little one has to be taken care of. That’s the best we can do. That child will always be with us. Ken says we have to put this child in the back seat of our car and make sure he is securely and gently strapped in a car seat.
Then, tell the child, “I know you are hurt and I am sorry. But I am big and I am doing the driving now.”
John Bradshaw, writer of many books, tells us we have to champion the child. He leads a guided imagery back to a memory. One in which we felt humiliated, unloved and helpless. Shamed.
He instructs us to view this painful movie in our mind. Then, walk into the screen, our big selves today, and pick the child up. Defend him.
He gives an example, as a small boy, a priest humiliated him in church, painfully twisting his ear.
In his movie, he walks down the aisle of the church, picks up little Johnny and screams at the priest, “You can’t get away with that anymore!” He walks out of the church carrying the child.
I believe that we have to recognize that this little shamed one exists.
The child is our original face.
Only the original self can forgive the hurt others have done to us. But it takes time to do this.
We must remind ourselves when we feel bad about ourselves or the way we are treated that there is a core emotion lurking under the feeling. Pick up that big rock and look under it. You will find it.
SHAME
Awareness is the first step to healing.
We have to remind ourselves where this has come from when we are feeling unappreciated or humiliated.
We have to say to ourselves,
“Damn! There it is again!”
The above story at the meeting says more about the rude person making me feel small and unimportant than about me. It would have been so easy to respond briefly and graciously.
We have to stop making everything so desperately important.
Our authentic self is safe in the world.
And that child self has never been condemned. The child is sinless. That child is me. That child is you.
The shark is in a movie directed by Steven Spielberg.
How do you handle your sharks?
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Very enlightening and well written article. I like the idea of putting the “child” in the backseat.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..20 Things That Raise My Love and Happiness Gauge
Corinne, I agree with Nea about this well-written article. It is full of wisdom. As an incest survivor, shame has probably been on of the most difficult emotions that I have to deal with. Even today after years of working on my issues, I will occasionally find myself face-to-face with shame again. I agree with Dr. Moses that it might not be possible to heal that hurting inner child. Believe me, I have tried. Taking care of that inner child and making her feel safe is the best that I can do for her and me. Thanks for writing this article.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker´s last blog ..Vacation Revisited
Dear Neo -
I love his story too. Ken Moses is a well known grief counselor and has conducted seminars for professionals dealing with their clients all over the world.
In his private practice, he mainly accepts only clients dealing with grief issues.
He keeps threatening to write a book. He should.
I just read your happiness article and I love all the things you love!
Dear Patricia -
When we stop trying to accept and forgive, I think that is when some healing is possible.
But never entirely.
Sometimes, I am positive I have got it licked and then a stupid moment like I described in this article happens and I realize the shame is still there.
That person meant nothing to me. But it still affected me.
Identifying it right away helps – once I realized what was at the bottom of it.
The feeling does not last so long.
I am resigned that it is the challenge of my life.
Hi Corinne,
Thanks for sharing your experience and the advice of Moses and Bradshaw.
For me, acknowledging the feeling and realizing the source come first. Then I can reassure my inner child that I am in charge and will ensure her safety and happiness.
Dealing with the sharks is something we must master if we are to send the recurring pain scurrying back to its hiding place.
Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.´s last blog ..Comic Books are Not Child’s Play
Dear Corinne,
I’ve certianly met my share of rude people along the way. I wonder why I feel shame when someone is rude to me. I know it’s the guilty child in me, blaming myself for things that went wrong in my family as I child…and even now.
I plan on practicing to recognize this hurt child in me and to give her the love and understanding she well derserves.
THANKS!
Sondra
Corinne: That article sure brought up a lot of stuff from my past. I find it very difficult to nurture the child in me because I still believe the hurtful things said to me are true. I’m still working on it. I’ll try to be kind to my child.
Love, Marie
Well as I read this, I was looking inside for what might be considered “shame” feelings and couldn’t find anything. However, what did pop into my mind was a homework assignment in the past. It was to think of someone that we had not forgiven and to forgive them. I looked and looked inside but couldn’t find one person that I had not forgiven.
As I drove home, I kept looking but there was just nothing there. I concurred that I was free of any resentment or blame towards another person. Ha!
As I drove up to my house, I wondered who’s car was in the drive way. When I walked in and saw who was there, I had to burst out laughing. It was an old friend of my husbands who had caused us to lose so much money as our attorney, that I had even kept a copy of the scathing letter I had sent to him years before.
It was as if Spirit were gently telling me that the ego will always hide the elements of growth that I try to access and that it is my choice to believe it or to look deeper.
I was able to hug him and forgive him completely. I knew I had forgiven him when I saw him years later and my immediate response was to hug him again and actually want to hug him.
Thanks so much for this article. I will keep looking and keep being open to see the truth about myself and therefore the truth about us all.
Sharon Beck
Sharon Beck´s last blog ..THIS BLOG HAS MOVED!!!!!
Dear Flora -
It is nice to have a professional come our way and give an opinion.
Especially, an obviously sensitive and caring person like you.
Thanks for visiting. Please come back.
Dear Marie and Sondra -
If this post reminds you to take care of your sweet inner and vulnerable child, I am grateful.
Do not believe the hurtful things that have been said. They are just someone else’s opinion!
It is interesting that we believe the bad stuff – but if we get a compliment – we brush it away.
Dear Sharon -
Loved this statement -
I was looking inside for what might be considered “shame” feelings and couldn’t find anything.
How lucky you are – maybe you were raised by really loving people who thought you could do no wrong.
Or – maybe you did not wrong!
Whatever, whatever you have, I want some of it.