“Well, one thing I am sure of, none of us ever worry about you,” a friend said.
Really? What kind of monster have I created here?
I got kind of insulted. “What do you mean? I want you to worry about me sometimes.”
What people like you and I have done is oversold everyone about our competence and ability to handle ANYTHING!
It is not true and it is our own fault that we don’t get support when we really need it. No one pays much attention.
Sure, it is true that we have overcome some really difficult situations in our lives. We haven’t complained. We have spared people. When sometimes, they did not even want to be spared. They wanted to help, to support us and we denied them.
It’s our own fault that often we have suffered alone. When we could have used a shoulder to cry on. Not a lot because we are so proud – but it could have helped us get through some big things like a death in the family, a job loss, a divorce – a reversal of fortune.
Even a big mistake we have made.
We closed people out.
When Hillary cried the other day, all I could think of is her opposition attacking her by saying, “Could this weepy woman be a Commander In Chief?” Now, the pundits are saying that it helped her. It made her more human. They are even suggesting it may have won her the election in New Hampshire. She showed her soft underbelly. It turned her from what people were saying was a controlled scripted contender to someone just like us. She had feelings.
It made me think about how showing your vulnerability to others could make them love you more. That perhaps that people love us equally for our weakness and our strength.
Sure, you are strong. You are capable. You get things done. You are the go-to person for many. You are not going to give those things up. They are part of your make up – it is in your genes. You are not going to turn into a wuss.
But, why are we suffering and losing sleep because we cannot share our night terrors with even our closest and dearest? We have bailed them out over and over. Don’t you think they would like to be able to pay back a little?
I’m not running in an election but I am going to start practicing crying more.
I want you to worry about me. At least a little.
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I would love to ‘worry’ about your more – only since that means I’ll have occasion to think of you more often. No need to cry, unless you want to …
I do think it helped Hilary. I’ve often wondered if there was anyone human under there. That’s why I like McCain and Huckabee, (although I won’t vote for either of them) and I like`Edwards for the same reason. they seem human, like they’ve lived and are willing to tell us about it.
Anyhow, great insight to use for our personal relationships as well.
Thanks, Michelle – In return, I will “worry” about you! Crying is something I have never been good at. Have to practice! So you can count on my not abusing it in our relationship!
As far as politics are concerned, I am glued to the news. Never been so interested before. I think many of us feel the same way. It is pretty exciting.
But if they nominate Minnie Mouse as the Democratic candidate – she’s got my vote.
Dear Corinne:
I don’t cry but people are worrying a lot about me anyway these days. I find it very difficult to take so much positive attention. It comes as a surprise. It is reassuring though.
You can count on me to worry about you.
Dear Corinne,
I worry about you! Still, I’m grateful for the extraordinary things you have accomplished and wish you even more. I also know you’ve worried about me from time to time. That’s what friends are for…to laugh, support and even cry with one another.
Dear Arlene and Sondra -
I know you two well so I am convinced that you are experts in worrying about those you love!
I wish you both everything good in life. And you can be sure that I will be a great cheerleader!
I have a close friend who is so strong and so stoic. At 32 she’s been through more than most go thru in an 85 year lifetime. She puts a positive spin on everything and is proud and fierce.
But I know the side of her that cries. I get the 2 a.m. phone calls when she’s had a really scary nightmare, or she’s worried about her kids. Now she’s in the army and she asked us to write to her because not getting mail at mail call is really heartbreaking. I think I’m one of the few who actually writes to her daily, even if it’s just a note to let her know I’m thinking of her.
I always liked her, but until she opened up and let me in it was really hard to love her and it took her at least a year to trust me. Until I got those phone calls and letters from boot camp I worried that she’s survived all her trials because she had an antisocial personality or something. I figured there had to be a human being under all that leather, and there is. A very warm and vulnerable human being whom I’m happy to call my friend.
being stoic and acting like you don’t need others closes you off from being human to them.
I think this comes from a general lack of knowing who to trust and the male business world (I’m not male-bashing, we all know that 40 years ago it was a man’s world out there). I know I’m not alone when I say I’ve trusted people with my soft side and gotten it ripped to shreds.
When we women went into the corporate world we didn’t add our humanity to the mix, we adapted to the men’s way of handling things – no tears and no showing weakness of any kind or putting your family before work. I hope that starts changing now that most of the big companies are run by men who work with women and have always done so, or are run by women.
There are also a lot more work-from-home dads who take care of children while they work. To me, that is the biggest paradigm shift and the best one. Dads proud enough to be dads that they work at home and take care of their kids. You go guys! I’m proud of you.
Dear Sherri -
Thank you for your thoughtful commentary.
I think this part of it is especially true ‘
“I think this comes from a general lack of knowing who to trust and the male business world (I’m not male-bashing, we all know that 40 years ago it was a man’s world out there). I know I’m not alone when I say I’ve trusted people with my soft side and gotten it ripped to shreds.”
Yeah, we have all been ripped to shreds here and there along the way.
It takes a lot of courage to trust and even more insight on WHO to trust.
I admire you for your support of your friend. How valuable you are to her. You are someone she can trust.
In business especially I think we need to be discerning about who we are vulnerable with.
But it is a sad world and we are sad people when we can’t be vulnerable.
Evan – you are right. Business and personal can not be often mixed. In the world of business, we’d better look invincible the majority of the time. It is part of the game we play. And, it is a game to be played to win. We must be careful about exposing our underbelly here. The competition is out to get us. But, the operative word here is “careful” – not never.
But, as you so wisely said, “we are sad people when we can’t be vulnerable.” Even in business, there are people who will watch our backs and support us. We must tread lightly until we know who those people are and not lean too heavily.
Hi Corinne,
You’ve just woke me up. I found that I have the monster by my side too.
The monster makes me feel like a robot where I lost my feelings to most things.
In trying to find time to write, I’ve had to tell my family that I need their support. And I keep telling them, and showing them, that I need them to give me time, space, and even a boost (when I don’t feel so positive about my writing.)
I think we are becoming a stronger family because I’ve made it clear that mom needs help, too!
Dear Raymond -
How nice you have discovered the monster at your young age!
You have lots of feelings. They come out in your excellent writing!
Dear Living By Learning -
Reading your “About” page makes me feel like a slug! How do you do all that?
Plus, your really educational blog which is such a contribution to the world. I am happy that you have such a supportive family.
Thanks for taking time to come over here and visit!
Thanks Corinne, I didn’t know that I can express it through my writing. It’s wonderful that you can see that.
Perhaps, that’s the way it slips out.
You are welcome, Raymond!
Keep it going. And practice your new personal awareness of sharing your feelings with safe people! People who already support you. You might be surprised how they will welcome your letting them in more.
Oh God! You’re talking about me Corrine!
Thank you for the wake up call.
I guess I’m fortunate that I have a sister who worries about me in spite of myself.
Karen – I am talking about all of us – who have oversold everyone on how capable and completely together we all are!
Funny that you should bring up your sister. My sister, June, is on to me and is my closest friend and supporter. She lives 1000 miles away and I talk to her almost every day. I am so grateful that she has my number!
How lucky we are to have this support.
Sometimes, I feel like I’ve taken on way more than I can handle, and it used to bother me when my husband assumed I’d just manage everything, and keep my smile on as I go through it all.
I came pretty close to having a meltdown on one of those writing deadline-meets-son’s exams-meets-BMM-meets-blogging days, which sort of freaked my husband out a little. He’s being a lot more supportive now. Even my son gets why I work so hard which is a relief.
Thanks for this post. I’ve always thought it was a weakness to not be perfect, and not be able to handle a million things without collapsing. I am going to take it a little easier from now on (or at least try to!)
Dear PreSchool Mama -
Funny how sometimes we capable ones have to start a war to get anybody’s attention!
More important, we have to get our own attention. NOBODY’S PERFECT!
(Although, I must say, we are more perfect than most!)
A nice story about being real. My mountain biking friends warmed up to me after a day when I couldn’t get over any obstacle and was frustrated and would have walked away from my bike forever except I had no other way to go back the 5 miles from the start. I’m still biking and they’re closer than ever!