I first met Belleruth Naparstek when I interviewed her on my TV show about her best-selling book, Your Sixth Sense – Unlocking the Power of Your Intuition.  She was a blockbuster interview.  Beautiful, charismatic and brilliant!

Since then we have stayed in touch and I have watched her develop her talents for guided imagery through the huge collection of audios and resources on her website to help people with everything from insomnia, illness, depression, pain, weight loss and stress.

She is a sought after speaker at conferences, workshops and as a keynoter.  Many of her programs offer Continuing Education Credits.

I subscribe to her newsletter and when I saw this great article I asked if she would be a guest author.  This advice is so needed, not only by families, but by people who are ill themselves.  They are all bombarded with advice which can be overwhelming and stressful.

I appreciate her letting me share it with you now.  Here it is.

A friend with a very sick husband complained to me that some people were driving her crazy with unasked for advice, intrusive sympathy and just dumb, self-centered comments. Still, she didn’t want to be rude or hurt their feelings. I encouraged her to make sure to take care of herself, and to try to be clear with people on what she needed and didn’t need. The important thing was for her to save her strength for herself, her husband and her family at such a demanding, difficult time. She asked me to again post the suggestions we had online a few years back, from “Lessons Learned from My Husband’s Illness.”  Here are the points that I think apply to her situation:

Be really clear with friends and family what you need from them and what you don’t need from them. Again, it’s not fair that you have to do this at a time when you have no energy for it, but the price of not doing it is too high.

If you want visits and calls and cards, tell them. If visits, cards and calls feel like an assault, tell them that. If they insist, tell them “It’s out of the question” (for some reason, this phrase stops them cold!)

And let trusted family and friends help out with setting limits with others and clarifying what would be useful to you. There’s no better resource and they’ll feel good about contributing; and it will deepen and enrich their relationship with you at a powerful time.

Also, be smart about asking people to do what they’re good at. Some friends are great listeners. Others are terrible listeners but great cooks. Still others have a talent for efficient errand running, or internet database searching. They’ll be glad to have an assignment they can actually perform well for you, and you’ll be very glad for their excellent help.

When people start giving you unwanted advice, or sharing their own illness story with the hideous outcome, or, out of their own anxiety, implying that this terrible thing would not happen to them because they eat right and exercise (oh, puh-leeeze!), you need to be at the ready with a firm, fast response, preferably chosen in advance, because these things have a way of taking your breath away.

 

 So, “That is not helpful” is a good one, as is “I really don’t need to hear that right now” or “We need to change the subject.”   If all else fails, “This conversation is giving me a stomach ache” is a sure-fire winner.

 

Again, you’re not going to be in the mood to be this assertive, but if you have the line ready, you can use it. It’s necessary protection from well-meaning but clueless people.

 

And all you well-meaning friends and family out there, take heed from this! Tread lightly and sensitively, and, if in doubt, ask how you can help.

Belleruth’s extensive website www.healthjourneys.com now includes almost every well known holistic health practitioner in the country. These healing programs are designed to increase feelings of self-esteem and confidence; improve mastery and performance; reduce anxiety and fear of failure; promote calm under pressure; heighten creativity, endurance, and ability to focus within.

This article is copywrited – Belleruth Naparstek 2007 and may not be reproduced without her permission.