We are always the same age inside.
Gertrude Stein
Your birthday is coming up or has just past. Maybe it is a big number ending with a zero or a five. Those are the tough ones. The others seem to slide by .
You are in good health but you find yourself checking the Obituaries in the paper and you zero in on people who have died YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW because they are your age.
STOP CHECKING THE OBITS IMMEDIATELY.
If someone has died who is important to you, someone will call you. People love to pass on bad news.
Social security is in trouble because they never expected so many to live past 65 – long enough to collect the benefits. It was a bad bet. Take comfort in that.
Follow the five stages of grief that Elizabeth Kubler Ross made famous.
In a way, getting older is a form of grief
1. DENIAL. Of course, the first thing is start lying about your age. (Someone once told me you have to start lying by at least five years because everyone else is lying and they immediately add five years on to what you claim is your age)
SO LIE.
It doesn’t help. You know the truth. But do it anyway if you like.
Tell the truth to some people. Not everyone.
You don’t have to shout it to the treetops, but if it comes up, take a chance. That is the beginning of freedom.
You will probably be surprised because instead of someone feeling sorry for you because you are SO OLD, you will probably hear,
“You have got to be kidding! You look great!”
And it gives other people confidence that they will live as long and look as good as you do. It’s a public service.
2. ANGER. I haven’t done —- (Fill in your grievances here)
Then, get a yellow pad and get really mad about what you think you have missed.
Include your petty illness, your vague aches and pains and the fact that your body will never see a bikini again.
Don’t leave anything out you have missed and feel you may never do. Places you wanted to visit. People you wanted to see again. Include things you don’t have quite the energy you used to have. Get it all out. Remember, no one else will see this list but you and there is relief in admitting all to your self. Awareness of any problem is the first step in healing.
3. BARGAINING. Please God let me live long enough to (again your list)
DECIDE YOU WILL.
When I was in the travel business, I had a client who owned a funeral parlor. He used to book a big trip between Thanksgiving and Christmas. He called it his “slow season.”
I was curious because it was also flu season. Didn’t a lot of people die then?
He told me people who make it past the first holiday do not die because they decide not to.
DECIDE YOU WILL LIVE LONG ENOUGH FOR YOUR BARGAIN TO BE MANIFESTED.
Chances are you will, even if your wish is several years away.
4. DEPRESSION. You may need some medical help with this. Do not be ashamed to talk to your doctor. A round of anti-depressants might give you a lift so you can get on with the life you have left. It is very hard to reinvent yourself if you are depressed.
And, literally, this is your next step. One of the hardest parts of getting older is not having a goal, a passion. We are very ready to say, “What’s the use?”
The “use” is that we have learned a lot. We have made mistakes. We have had successes. There are young people out there who need to know what we know – including your children and grandchildren. They are hungry for your guidance and your experience.
There are small businesses that are struggling and you have gone through it. There are organizations like the Girls and Boys Club who could use you to help kids who have no responsible parents who need your wisdom and help with their homework.
You may say you don’t have the energy. You may have to push yourself to volunteer once a week but you will feel better about it after that day. And you won’t feel lonely.
You owe the planet something by taking up all that space for so many years. It is time to pay your bills. Do you think that someone who needs help is going to say, “Thanks, but you are too old?” No way.
5. ACCEPTANCE. We all have this little secret. Everyone else is going to die except us. So, this is the toughest one. Chances are that we have a number of years to go before we go. But what has to be faced is that this is the downhill side of the slope now.
But if you are reading this, you are still alive. And, if you are still alive, it means that there is a reason for it. It is up to each of us to decide that reason.
And when it is time to say goodbye to this world, please God, let us be grateful for the opportunities this life has given us.
It has been a sometimes wild and often a wonderful ride!
And help us to go on bounding off disgracefully to whatever is next.
Tell us -
HOW DO YOU HANDLE GETTING OLDER?
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
My 91-year-old maternal grandmother (5 years added by me) died just before Thanksgiving. We called hospice and told her! She wouldn’t come in the room to discuss anything… instead she went into the livingroom, sat on the couch, and pulled a blanket over her head. She was bedridden 3-days later and died 2 days after that.
She had been ‘deciding’ to live for a very long time. She was in a lot of pain and NEVER complained–until the end when she said once, “Please shoot me!”. Once we told her Hospice was coming, she just stopped deciding to live.
My 98-year-old paternal grandfather (5 years added by me) is moving away from his home and family of over 45 years… He may choose to live or not… I don’t know yet, but his life has been about lottery tickets and complaining about how tough the food is for his toothless mouth.
This makes me think about our choice to live and the depth at which we actually live. What’s important? What experiences do we want? What choice would make us say at the end of our life, “Wow, that was worth it!”
Leila (CK) Reyes´s last blog ..Conscious Livelihood Coaching!
I hope when I go out of this existence and move on that folks will say, “well, she did her best.” Now while I am here I’d better get going on doing the best I can every day.
I refuse to grow up but I can age as gracefully bodily as I can while trying to keep my mind and spirit young.
Thanks for the great post.
Dawn´s last blog ..Personal Development Kaleidoscope
Corinne,
I’ve never really given getting older a whole lot of thought. You either get older or you die. I prefer getting older. My life has only gotten better as I’ve grown up and grown older. I wouldn’t go back for the universe. It was too hard, and now is a lot easier. I was severely depressed most of my life until they put me on antidepressants in my 30’s. It’s been uphill and smoother sailing ever since. I highly recommend antidepressants and mood stabilizers if you need them. The TV of your life stops having a screen full of snow (or stops being a plain blue screen for you younger folks) and tunes into the channel you’re in. If you don’t like what you’re watching you can now see it’s time to change the channel.
I believe in the physics concept of momentum. Things have been getting better overall for 48 years (no time added to my age, I’d post my birth certificate but then a bunch of people I don’t know or care about will swear I was born in Kenya), so I believe the longer I live the better things will become. When I go out it will be at the top if I extrapolate the trend.
I’m teaching right now and giving back to the next generation. They really need help with math and science. I write when I can since teaching has gotten bigger.
After this I might reinvent myself and become an activist with the ACLU or something. I always wanted to be an activist. I’m a Myers-Briggs ENTJ, so being an activist is right up my personality alley. (ENTJ’s are born with our combat booties on). If I don’t make it to activism, at least I made it to teaching, which is up from being an industrial chemist on the community service food chain. Given the tone and nature of my blog, I’m a very part-time activist and advocate as it is.
I’m happier now than I ever have been, so getting older for me hasn’t been a bad thing. Maybe I’ll feel differently in 10 or 20 years, I don’t know. But for now, the momentum is a positive vector.
Thanks for a great post, Corinne!
Sherri
Being the Change I Wish to See´s last blog ..U.S. not really about equality
Hi Corinne, I’m about a year and a half out from the big 60 and I’ve made some important personal decisions about aging. I’ve decided to age backwards for a while. I don’t deny that there is an unavoidable eventuality awaiting us all, but obsessing over it is a waste of time and energy.
Instead, I will focus on living to the full for as long as I can. Past a certain point, our physical, mental, and emotional state becomes more important than the years we have lived. I have a friend who is 89 and going strong. He looks forward to each day with eager anticipation and finds joy in everything he does. He’s lean and active and mentally stimulating to be around. I think I’ll follow his example.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..Is Your Integrity For Sale?
At 50 I was expecting to have a great year and decade ahead. Instead I had one of the worst years ever – lots of health challenges and stress. Still, I’m an optimistic person and I am grateful grateful grateful that I’m alive and pretty much well. and I’m looking forward to decades to come. I’ll just keep deciding to live past Thanksgiving.. Good agenda I think…then I’ll always make it to the next one.. right? Good attitude, always learning, finding new passions. I hope those will keep me going.
Michelle Vandepas´s last blog ..Conscious Livelihood Coaching!
Hi Corrine,
I love getting older. I have a very good pension plan so I was lucky to retire at 55. Love being retired. I do what I want when I want. Every day is like Saturday and Sunday.
I love going away and staying as long as I want.
I am in pretty good health so far (70 in 2010)
Walk 2 miles a day with my sister Kathy. Love hearing about her day at work, listen and advise but wouldn’t want to go back, too stressful.
Love my hobbies and volunteer work.
LIFE IS GOOD!!!
Love,
Patsy
Brilliant! You had me laughing out loud … and crying, at the same time. Live to 98? You have to be kidding. When I think about goals and plans, there is honestly nothing I have in mind to do then.
But…and this is a big but, I have no regrets. If I wanted to jump out of a plane, I jumped. If I wanted to climb a mountain in China, I climbed it. If I was dying in a relationship, I left. And, if someone looked good to me — even if he was (or is) 23 years younger than me, well we’ll just see what we will see.
Goals are critical. I read or heard that we used to have to figure out what we wanted to do when we grew up. Now, we have to do that twice. (Luckily, when I was 30, I set my goals for later on it life.) I’m wrapping up the self-help stuff. It’s been good to be, but for the love of God and all that’s holy, 17 books on self-help and codependency is enough.
Do I like getting old? No, I despise it. I hate it. Not getting old, though. It’s gravity I dislike. If I keep myself covered from the neck down, things look fine. But gravity is the demon that pulls the skin away from the body, causes those droops, and the other things that make me thank God I can’t see clearly without my glasses, because then I don’t notice it as much. I just do not wear my glasses when I look in the mirror.
Two things I didn’t plan on: that my body is similar to a car with about 150,000 miles on it. Parts needed replacing. Discs. Knees. It hurts, it’s not minor. I had to spend a year in bed. Then I understood the lesson: I only want to be here while I have quality of life and ability to function. When the party is over, Corrinne, I’m going home.
All my docs said I would come back from Europe in a pine box. I took my chances; the option was a wheelchair for the rest of my life. I’m not in a box and I’m not in a wheelchair, thank you very much.
Every year I’m feeling better, in fact. If things keep going this why, I figure I’ll be feeling great right about the time it’s time to die.
It’s never been death that’s scared me anyway. It’s life — and all its horrors, pain, and the calls that come in the middle of the night and when you hang up the phone, your life is never the same again.
I think I set a record. All three ex husbands died within about the same twelve months. Two of them died back to back — we held one funeral one day, the next the following afternoon. I was in the same paper (Mpls. Star & Tribune) listed in two obituaries on the same day as “ex wife and dear friend” of two different men.
I’m grateful I had an alibi. That truly is a joke, as I spent six months doing hospice care for the man I’d married when I was little more than a child — we were both whooping iti up during the sixties — drugs, sex & rock ‘n roll.
Speaking of which, in my worst moments, when I don’t like the effects of gravity on my body, or the parts wearing out, or the way my skin fits (although they have Titan now — a non-surgical “shrink-wrapping” that literally naturally tightens the skin), I am grateful I am exactly the age I am. I wouldn’t have missed the sixties for anything. We shall never see a time like that again.
I don’t know if you ever heard the song “Wear Sunscreen,” — it was a spoken song with music in the background, an address to the graduating class giving them advice (funny but true). This blog is so brilliant it could be turned into a spoken record, a workbook, or just one of the best dang blogs I’ve encountered in a long time.
Thanks for having me on your list.
Dear Corinne, This year began with the death of my oldest child. Then this was followed by
my being diagnosed with macular degeneration in both eyes. And then my cat was diagnosed
with inoperable cancer and died shortly after that. I’ve always said I’d like to live to be a hundred.
But I began to picture myself with a white cane and a dog, wondering why I was still alive, and
whining to anyone who would listen. I tuned 80 this past summer, and now it seemed “old
enough” to me. I could no longer do most of the things I enjoyed. I couldn’t drive at night.
and more than 30 minutes of activity was too much for me. But then, one beautiful, breezy,
sunny day this Fall, I looked out my window to see how the trees had changed into their
Fall colors, brilliant in the sunshine, giving us that last thrill before the wind scattered them,
and I remembered how much I had wanted to take pictures and make a book called ” Beautiful
Trees”……for years it was a “set-aside” ambition for which I never seemed to have time.
Snap! That light bulb over my head lighted and I went into action. “I have the time, it’s not
something that requires physical strength, I can still drive during the day!” Eureka! My
depression lifted and I went out and bought a throw-a-way camera and set up before me
a goal to reach….the world is just as amazingly beautiful no matter who has died or how old
I will get to be. Love, Louise
Well I turned 65 this past September and it has caused a wonderful feeling in me. I believe I have entered my last 20 years and I each day seems to be more fun with more new and interesting people coming into my life.
I look at Death as the door to the best party I have ever attended. I don’t want to die before my time but I think it’s going to be a wonderful experience and I’m looking forward to being on the other side like a pregnant woman looks forward to the baby she will have after the labor process is over.
Sharon
Sharon Beck´s last blog ..Miracle on Main Street
Mortality is to be thought of 2 SECONDS per day by EVERYONE, young, old or of middle age! Doing this religiously, forces you to do the BEST possible job each day. Live life to the fullest each day; do what you have to do to the best of your ability each day whether it be working, bringing up children, being “retired”, playing cards in the senior center with friends, being on vacation, etc. Strive for excellence in anything you do, no matter how small and trivial the task is. I have told this to my students for 53 years now while I am teaching Mathematical formulae. Think H A P P Y!!!! THINK PLUS(+), LAUGH!
By the way, if one thinks about mortality for 2 HOURS each day, then professional help MUST be sought. That’s called DEPRESSION.
Frank Caparelli (Westchester, New York)
hi corrine! excuse no caps – using one hand. got one of those nice “you look great” compliments the other day – the nurse doing my ekg looked at the chart and was actually going to change my dob! she was ‘amazed’ thar i was really 70! lol that was a nice perk! lol now i have two ‘fake’ shoulders but i’m with gertrude stein – outside of the aches and pains i am still the same person i always have been – aint it a kick ? oohh hurtin lol but i can still laugh! mt mother, who was 97 when she went home, used to say “why does it have to take so long? i’m tired ‘ she was so cute – always could get her to a little booty shake when i helped her up – anyway if ya know where you are going there is no fear and that is how she was – no depression at all -well you remember her – miss her but i’ll see her again – am i gwtting off topic here? gee what was that topic again. (only kidding) love you!cousin pam
Dear Leila -
My sincere condolences about your grandmother who I know you adored. I am sure that you are comforted by being around her in her last days – and knowing you – you must have helped her so much.
The word “Hospice” can be terrifying. The only way I got my friend Arlene, who died last year, to agree to it is to convince her that she was not PROMISING them she would die. I told her we would cancel as soon as she was feeling better.
I was her medical advocate and I don’t what I would have done without them. I was in contact with them every day.
The hospitals are really worried about giving a person enough medication. I guess they are afraid of lawsuits.
Hospice is not. Arlene got all the medication she needed.
They still call me every once in a while to see how I am doing. Can you imagine that?
I know you are celebrating every year of your dear grandmother’s life.
Dear Sherri -
I loved this part of your comment. You are a funny one!
“Things have been getting better overall for 48 years (no time added to my age, I’d post my birth certificate but then a bunch of people I don’t know or care about will swear I was born in Kenya)”
Are you really 48? I think you should post your birth certificate.
YOU DON’T LOOK IT.
The work you are doing in education is priceless. We have to keep up with the rest of the world.
Th ACLU has plenty of people – but how many of them can teach math and science? Don’t join them too fast. We need you exactly where you are.
As far as being an activist – aren’t you one already? You call out both sides in your blog. You reach thousands of people. We can’t trade you in for someone who is stuffing envelopes.
I am so grateful for your continued support and friendship, Sherri.
Dear Patricia -
You deserve every day of your “retirement.”
I remember the days you worked so hard every day and came home exhausted and still took care of your child.
Sounds like you have transferred from work you had to do to work as a volunteer at something you like to do.
A great trade off.
Dear Melody -
Thank you for taking so much time to comment when I know you have a book deadline nipping at your heels.
Actually, the comment was a book – a synopsis of your life.
Do you realize you have not missed a thing? Good or bad.
I feel sad that we lost contact for a while. Especially when you were going through such a painful time. I feel as though, if I had known, maybe I could have supported you in some way.
But we are back now. That will not happen again.
I was really interested in this part of your comment.
“I’m wrapping up the self-help stuff. It’s been good to be, but for the love of God and all that’s holy, 17 books on self-help and codependency is enough.”
Can’t wait for your next book.
I just did a radio show on this topic called “Is Personal Growth dead?”
You can hear it here -
http://talkingpurpose.com/personal-growth-is-it-dead/
The woo-woo stuff is gone. People are still interested in life improvement but they are going inward – not to the gurus we all knew.
It seems like it is back to the old stuff. Like having integrity.
Dear Louise -
I am sure you want to put 2009 into your past. It was not a good year.
And no one would blame you if you just said – “forget the rest.”
Obviously, you are not doing that. This was so beautifully said.
“But then, one beautiful, breezy,
sunny day this Fall, I looked out my window to see how the trees had changed into their
Fall colors, brilliant in the sunshine, giving us that last thrill before the wind scattered them,
and I remembered how much I had wanted to take pictures and make a book called ” Beautiful
Trees”……for years it was a “set-aside” ambition for which I never seemed to have time.”
Please do not neglect gathering all your beautiful poetry. At least get them into one place. They should be a book – if only for yourself and your children and grandchildren.
The spirit is still well and alive in you, Louise.
Dear Sharon -
I envy you this statement -
“I’m looking forward to being on the other side like a pregnant woman looks forward to the baby she will have after the labor process is over.”
I am always looking forward to my NEXT PROJECT!
I guess they will have to shoot me to get rid of me.
Dear Michelle -
This is going to be a wonderful year for you. And it is just around the corner.
Yes, make sure you live past many, many Thanksgivings ahead. The world needs you and your vast experience.
I’ll let you know when you can go. (Don’t hold your breath)
Dear Frank -
Thanks for weighing in here.
I liked this -
“Think H A P P Y!!!! THINK PLUS(+), LAUGH!”
Let us know where you get your happy pills. Lots of us need them.
And your wonderful sense of humor. You always make people laugh.
Sorry, Pam – you did not need your other shoulder to act up. Hope you are feeling better.
But I admit you do type well with one hand.
What can I say about your mother? My dearest Auntie Babie.
Maybe that she NEVER said an unkind thing to or about anyone. I adored her. When I was a kid, she was my best friend. I saw her almost every day.
She was the holiest person I ever knew. And she never preached to anyone. She lived it.
The only thing I begrudge her for was not leaving me her spicy tripe recipe. She cooked it for me all the time.
Maybe she’ll read this in Heaven and get it to me somehow.
Dear Jonathan -
“I’m about a year and a half out from the big 60 and I’ve made some important personal decisions about aging. I’ve decided to age backwards for a while.”
Please. REALLY? I WANT TO SEE YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE TOO.
Aging backward is a good idea. I once heard that your real age is if someone wakes you out of a sound sleep and asks you how old you are.
I am 38. What would you say?
Dear Dawn -
I kind of saved you for last.
People probably do not know that you are married to my son.I want you to know how blessed I feel that I had the luck to have you in my family.
You are like my own daughter. But better than I probably would have been able to reproduce.
You ALWAYS do the best you can.
I don’t think you know how to do it any other way.
Corinne,
Thank you. I am grateful for your continued friendship and support, too.
I really am 48. I’ll be 49 in a couple of weeks. I’m not sure why I look younger than my age. I sure don’t act my age. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to relate to my students as well as I do. Hanging out with young people does help keep you young.
I guess I am already an activist with my blog and with my students. I call them on their opinions when they aren’t based on facts but on beliefs (unless beliefs are appropriate, like religion class). I work hard to get them to think through issues from history to current events and compare and contrast the past with the present. I also require critical thinking in discussions. If I get an opinion, I want a fact-based argument to support it. I know I’ve gotten a few young minds to think for themselves.
My job isn’t to indoctrinate them, it’s to teach them to use reason, facts and real arguments to draw conclusions. They can disagree, but they have to know why and they also need to understand there are other legitimate points of view based on the same facts. Biggest challenge lately is what people like Sarah Palin spew. I’ve gotten quite a few students to conclude her arguments and those of other right-wing nut-jobs are fact-free opinions and beliefs that are indefensible.
Being in math and science and teaching evolution to religious school students is less controversial than I thought. Religious schools, especially Catholics, have decided biology and evolution are real science, and religion and Bible creation stories are for religion class. The Pope decided evolution is legitimate and that Bible stories are just stories people made up to explain things they didn’t understand. A semi-nomadic people 6000 years ago had a universe significantly smaller than what we know about today. In fact, they weren’t aware of a universe, just their own, God-made area of the world.
I’m a local Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, and Gustav activist because I’m here, and so much still needs to be done. I know a lot of Democrats were furious with Senator Landrieu about her cloture vote delay on the health care bill, but she wheeled and dealed and got Louisiana $100 million for Medicaid in 2011. We need it with the disproportionately poor, uninsured population and ranking 48th overall in citizen health out of the 50 states. Only Mississippi and South Carolina have worse health outcomes for the money spent.
I email and call my Senators and Representative pretty often about various issues from health care legislation to issues about equal protection under the law and the Constitution.
If I were to join the ACLU, I wouldn’t want to be an envelope stuffer. I’d want to work for them as an employee, not as a volunteer. I’d be interested in their poverty project, education project, LGBT project, or the prison project. I’d want to be involved in policy, speak at rallies, lobby Congress and work directly with affected populations.
As long as I feel like I’m making a real difference doing what I’m doing, I’ll keep doing it. Besides, I really love math and science. I am a true geek, dork, nerd. It would be hard for me to give it up.
Sherri
Being the Change I Wish to See´s last blog ..U.S. not really about equality