Hospice called me yesterday. It was a follow up call from a grief counselor about the death of my best friend, Arlene. You may remember, she died just over two months ago.
I was surprised since I am not a member of the family until I realized I was their main contact as her medical advocate.
Funny when someone asks you how you are doing, you automatically say, “Fine.”
I thought I was fine. I had been praying for her to die. And up to now, all I felt was a numb relief that she was no longer suffering. I had not shed a tear for her.
Until the other day, I heard a song on the radio. The tears started.
Here are the words if you are post/Sinatra/ Billie Holiday. They say it all.
I’ ll be seeing you
In all the old, familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.
In that small cafe
The park across the way
The children’s carousel
The chestnut tree
The wishing well.
I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely, summers day
And everything that’s bright and gay
I’ll always think of you that way.
I’ll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I’ll be looking at the moon
But I’ll be seeing you.
Sheila, the counselor, said that most people do not even start to process a loss for several weeks. And ,it is likely that something as small as a song can start it.
So I guess I am not fine yet. I am starting to miss her terribly. And even though I am busy with my life coach practice and writing articles for my blog, and finding so many new friends on the blogs, something has changed.
I feel lonely but I find myself turning down social invitations. I’d rather stay home and be quiet.
The grief counselor said she’d call again in a while to chat. I will welcome it because I found it so comforting to talk to her.
She made me feel like I was right on schedule. And she suggested that when someone asks me how I am, they really might want to know.
Everyone who is reading this has experienced the loss of a loved one.
So, I’m asking you -
How long does it take?
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Yes, it’s hard to carry on when you lose a loved friend, but that’s life. This morning I picked up the paper, and found 3 friends on the obituary page. It’s hard to take, all right. But you are a trooper and will get thru your loss. Keep writing!
Vera Crewss last blog post..Time Flies in Alaska
When my friend Carol died 2 years ago, I was scheduled to fly to Idaho with my husband for the birth of our youngest grandson. Even though I didn’t really want to go, I went to my daughter’s. Her son was born early so he had already arrived before we got there. I was able to forget for awhile the funeral that was going on back at home for my friend. Then on the 3rd day of our visit, I was looking out the window at the snow on my daughter’s yard and thought how much Carol would enjoy looking at the pictures when I got them developed when I got back home. Then I realized that Carol wouldn’t be there to see the pictures. I cried.
Give yourself time. That really is all that you can do.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworkers last blog post..10 Things That Make Me Happy
I love the song! I think I’ve heard it before but didn’t really think about the words until I saw them written out like that. I think it’s a wonderful tribute to Arlene.
melanie gaos last blog post..On the road again
Corinne, it is so interesting to find you again after all these years and see that the last thing you posted on your blog was about death. The experience of taking care of my sister while she died and then also my father, led me to become a “Grief Councelor”. Then some years later while living up in Seattle, I went through training to help people that were having to die alone. The organization was started by Dannion Brinkley and they had a video of him being interviewed by you. I wanted that video and when I called, you answered. I have never forgotten that phone conversation with you. I felt like I had known you all my life.
So, the question “How long does it take?” indicates that there is an end and there isn’t. What I did find in my case was that even though they were gone from my sight…they became almost more alive to me than when they were here in the physical form. I still go to my dad for advice and feel like he hears me and answers too.
I don’t know much about blogging (I’m just starting to do it myself) but now that I know you are here…I will be visiting you every day and being grateful that your sweet presence is still on this plane for me to enjoy…and I can hear that song in my mind. Was it Rosemary Clooney that made it popular? Did she sing it on “Your Hit Parade”?
Sharon Beck
Glad to hear you talk about feelings, of grief. I imagine you were too busy with obligations and sorting things out. I was allowed to deal with my grief immediately, I was even surprised, how I could cry right away when I thought of Arlene. I think having to deal with all the past for so many years, maybe I’ve learned to not bury grief anymore. Theraphy did help. So far I only went 7 times, Had to stop because of my husband’s operation, but I think I’ll return as soon as I can.
I wish I could get the same pleasure, Arlene got out of her sessions.I find it hard work to work through, old and new problems. I also believe, that grief can lessen, but it will leave its residue for a lifetime.
That’s maybe how people stay alive, after death, in our memories of time spent together, and in acknowledging the loss of it all.
Corinne, really great to see the friendship between you two. I read the article about Arlene, and she seems to be a great person.
Hope you can go through this time of loss strongly!
Cheers,
Robert
Thank you for your blog. My dad died ten years ago and my mom who is/was my best friend died in January. I am just starting to think and talk about it. It took a year for the true agony of my dads death to go away and I miss him still terribly. I do not know what will happen with my mom’s death as far as how long. I miss her so much it takes my breath away. Therapy helps me very much. I feel the same way about being social. I am just not in the mood. Feel like I just want to be left alone but I know in the long run that wont help. Don’t know if my site would help any. I just started it so not much about the grief part yet.
moms-daughtersandpink.blogspot.com
Jens last blog post..Is anybody listening?
Corinne,
My Mother in Law died about 18 months ago. I go through all sorts of feelings about it still, including grief. There is no timetable. There is only love.
M
Dear Vera -
Yes, these deaths are definitely increasing in our lives as we get older.
All we can do is hang in and make the best of, hopefully, many years to come.
Like you and I are doing!
Dear Mari -
It seems like someone like you who was involved in the Holocaust could go through anything.
But I have found that every new loss brings up all the old memories.
Hope your husband is better and you can get back into therapy.
Thank you for adding to the conversation here. I know you do not do that regularly – so I am honored.
Dear M -
This says it all in your comment -
“There is no timetable. There is only love.”
Dear Sharon -
I want to encourage you on your blogging. “Grief” is a niche area on the Internet but much needed.
I get the most feedback when I write about it.
When I interviewed Dannion Brinkley, I had no idea of the incredible help Hospice provides. Now I do.
You can help many people. Go for it!
And let me know because I will help promote your blog.
Dear Patricia -
Arlene died at 5 AM on Mothers Day.
But my son had planned a brunch that day – and like you – I went although my heart was not in it as you can imagine.
Thank you for your always valuable feedback.
Yes, we will carry on with carrying on. It is a well used phrase, but time does heal.
But we do not forget.
Dear Jen -
I just read your incredible article on your blog – Is Anybody Listening?
If any of you reading this want to see it, just click on Jen’s name and it will come up.
Please continue with your work in addressing pain that no one wants to talk about.
Dear Robert – my dear friend on the Internet -
You always have something constructive and comforting to say.
Please know how I value your interaction with me.
Dear Melanie -
I never got a comment from CHINA before. Thank you for responding.
How did you find my blog?
You work there is fascinating. Worth hearing about.
Please come back and stay in touch.
Glad you liked the song. You young ones missed some of the best music.
My father died 30 years ago. It took me 3 months before I realised it properly enough to really cry. I was watching an old black and white movie where the father of the young girl dies and after his death a bouquet of flowers are delivered to her at her graduation, which he had previously organised. I think that was the trigger for me to really feel the loss. I started crying for the actress but I discovered I was really crying for me.
Karen (karooch from Scraps of mind)s last blog post..Do You Scrapbook to the Left or the Right?
Dear Karen – Karooch -
If I had seen that movie, I would have cried too.
Not particularly mourning my father – but sad about how he wasn’t the wonderful father I would have wanted.
I guess he did his best – it wasn’t as good as he could have.
I am sure I am not alone with those thoughts.
Thanks for always contributing such thoughtful comments!
My grandfather died in 1981, my grandmother in 1992, and my dad in 2000. I still miss them all. There are still things I want to talk with them about now that I’m older and have a child of my own. The deep pain is gone, but there are times when I miss them so very much. I also feel my dad would be a lot more supportive of my blogging career than my mom is, and I miss being able to talk with him about writing. He was an excellent writer and enjoyed it.
The first year was the toughest for each death, and by 5 years most of the pain was gone and I could reminisce about them without getting emotional. But there are still times I wish I could have 10 more minutes with them, so I just sit down in a quiet place and talk out loud to them as if they were actually there in front of me. Then I imagine what they might reply, and I feel better. Sometimes I think their spirits influence my thoughts about what they might say. I’m not sure how the afterlife works so I don’t know, but I sense it sometimes.
Whatever you do, don’t stay numb. Not feeling doesn’t work. Allow yourself to grieve and know that grieving isn’t a microwave thing. It’s a crock pot thing. When you’re done you’ll know.
Debt Free or Busts last blog post..Interview with a million dollar blogger
All our grief and hurt is about us – what WE have lost. Bereavement is bad but it is final, unlike a runaway child or a partner who leaves you.
When you turn your loss outwards things will improve.
It will take some years so in the meantime fill your days with something good.
Remember the dear departed didn’t ever want you to be unhappy.
Dear Sherri – Debt Free or Bust -
OMG
This is so brilliant! Thank you.
“Allow yourself to grieve and know that grieving isn’t a microwave thing. It’s a crock pot thing. When you’re done you’ll know.”
I believe when we talk to our departed loved ones, they hear us and they will help us. But we have to ask.
Hi Chris -
Thanks for coming by. I always enjoy your comments.
And of course you are right. We are grieving for ourselves.
I wouldn’t have Arlene back for anything in this world. She deserved to be at peace at last.
She also would not want to be here – or to see me unhappy.
If she could read your comment, this is what she would say to me.
“Didn’t I leave you some money? Shut up and go out and buy something nice for yourself!”
As most of us come to know these things are easier said than done.
The beauty is that so many people care about you… People you haven’t even met. Sure, go out and treat yourself. Do Arlene proud – maker her laugh too.
Losing your best friend makes most living moments empty. At a human level we hold on to everything. An old dress, books, photographs and every single memory. Letting go slowly but surely will definitely make life worth the living again. Remember the good times and thank God she had a friend in you and you in her. Staying true to the memory of someone is not losing who you are. Even our smiles and our hope.
Dear Therapist Seattle -
Thank you for your comforting words.
I am feeling better but if I read something in the newspaper I still reach for the phone to share it with Arlene before I remember.
Especially, if it proves I was RIGHT about something!
You may have read my article on my roof crisis and flood.
Arlene left me some money. She paid for my new roof.
I hope she is hearing my thanks from whereever she is! She would be smiling!
Losing a loving friend is one of the hardest things you will deal with. It is different from a family member, but it still hurts like crazy. You will always remember how she used to be before she got sick, and it will make you sad to think about here being sick and weak.
You will make it. I am so sorry about your loss.
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