I need some help here.
I wrote an article called When Your Husband Has Died – A survival guide almost two years ago.
Amazingly, it turned out to be a forum for widows. They range in age from early twenties to eighties.
At first, I answered all the comments – but then the women took over. They log in as new widows and come back over and over and help the others. They share their progress and their problems. They give each other encouragement and advice. There are now hundreds of posts from them.
Once in a while, I make a comment but it now belongs to them.
A NEW COMMENT CAME IN THIS WEEK. FROM A YOUNG WOMAN WHO WANTS ADVICE ON HOW SHE CAN HELP – NOT HERSELF – HER BELOVED GRANDMOTHER.
This is what she asks.
Hi Everyone,
I’ve been reading through all of your comments and my heart aches for the loss you have all experienced. I am writing this post because I am looking for help for my beloved grandmother.
My grandfather passed away in January. My grandparents were married for 60 years and were completely in love. They were a unit, a team, functioned as one, and did everything together. In the end my grandmother cared for my grandfather and spent most of her day helping him. When he died it felt like a piece of my grandmother went with him.
She lives alone and I know she is very lonely. She is having trouble sleeping, not eating anything she used to enjoy eating, and I think she is very depressed. I know that this is part of the grieving process but I want to do something to help her.
I try to talk to her about it but it is very hard. I searched on Google and found this site, and am hoping to get some advice on how I could help her. If anyone has any ideas I would greatly appreciate them.
Thank you!
I read a lot of blogs. You – the people who comment on this one – are the kindest and most intelligent men and women on the blogosphere. You have a wealth of experience from your own life.
WILL YOU HELP?
This kind young woman is waiting for your guidance.
HOW CAN SHE HELP HER GRANDMOTHER?
The comment section is below. Take the time and answer her.
The original article - WHEN YOUR HUSBAND HAS DIED – A Survival Guide is here.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Grieving is a segment of love that is so very painful. The pain subsides with time but not the grief. Speak to your grandmother about the happiness she enjoyed with your grandfather and the happiness she brought him. Remind her that her husband, your grandfather, would want her to remember those happy times and to celebrate his death with a smile for a life well lived. Death is a part of the mystry of life. We cannot have life without death. Have your grandmother take solace in knowing that without her love you’re grandfather might have died much earlier with a joyless heart. Have your grandmoher take solace in knowing she gave your grandfather much happiness and a bounce to his step. And finally, have your grandmother pray for him and for the day they will again be together.
Just in the past few weeks, I found a class on grieving. I haven’t gone long enough yet to see how helpful it will be. I would suggest that you look for a class and maybe if your grandmother is relunctant to go on her own that you go with her. Sharing your grieving process may be beneficial to both of you.
It has been less than a year since your grandfather died. Your grandmother is still in the feeling numb and depressed stage. That stage is the hardest to get through which is why initially your mind does give you the blessing of numbness.
My grieving is for the loss of several close friends. I know that is not the same as for a spouse. My husband and I just celebrated our 37th Anniversary together. I can only sympathize and imagine what all of the widows who have left comments on Corinne’s blog are feeling. I can’t say that I know how you feel. I don’t. You are all in my prayers.
Patricia – Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker´s last blog ..Your Outer Conflicts Mirror Your Inner Conflicts
Dear Corinne, In a book I read years ago, an old man was seeking
solace when his wife had died. He was told by his counselor to take
comfort in the fact that she had died first and therefore was not
suffering his loss, as he was hers. He had not thought of that, and
he was comforted. I’d like to know if this granddaughter works
during the day. If not, she could get her grandmother involved
in making a Memorial scrap book or picture album dedicated
to Grandpa…going through pictures together, picking ones
that feature Grandpa, perhaps doing his favorite things, etc.
It’s something I’ve been doing since my son died in February,
everyone wants to participate, bringing pictures they have,
etc. Hope this helps. Love, Louise
Dear Reed -
What a beautiful message. You really have the knack of getting right to the point in the kindest way.
I especially liked this thought -
“Remind her that her husband, your grandfather, would want her to remember those happy times and to celebrate his death with a smile for a life well lived.”
Dear Patricia -
Many people find groups very helpful anda great support.
But eveyone is different. I did not like the one group I tried. There were too many people crying and I would come home feeling worse than when I went.
Now, if she could get her grandmother involved in some kind of senior center, that could be a good idea.
But I think you are right. That first year is the toughest one.
Dear Louise -
This is a great idea. I hope your suggestion is taken seriously by this young woman.
It could be combined with Reed’s. An album celebrating a life well loved and well lived.
And something important to leave to future generations.
When I was in “Grief Counseling Training”, I learned that the best thing you can do is to get them talking. I think Reed put it beautifully.
I learned that grieving people don’t feel they can talk to their family because it will depress them and that just adds to their already burdened heart. But it doesn’t change the fact that they need to talk about their feelings and their memories.
The opportunity you have with your grandmother is to help her access the happy memories of her life with him. Ask her if she can ever feel him with her. Ask her to share her feelings with him as if her were there with her and she was having a conversation with him.
Empathic listening is what she needs most from others. That is all we can ever do in the end…just listen with a heart full of love. And it will be enough.
In Love,
Sharon Beck
Sharon Beck´s last blog ..THIS BLOG HAS MOVED!!!!!
Hello Everyone,
I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to give me advice, you are all so kind and it is greatly appreciated. I really love the idea to create a photo album/scrapbook to celebrate my grandfather’s life. My grandmother’s birthday is coming up and I think that a scrapbook sounds like the perfect idea for a gift. Also, I love the thought about the empathetic listening, I’m going to bring up the subject and just let her know that I’m there to listen.
Thank you again!
-Becca
Dear Becca -
I was really touched by your request – and as you can see I have the nicest readers in the world.
I thought the answers from them were so heartfelt.
You are welcome.
Keep in touch with us and let us know how your dear Grandmother is doing.
And YOU!
Hello Becca,
Our next door neighbor Bill passed away and left behind his wife Lil.
They too shared nearly 60 years of a perfect union. They were everything to one another. 4 children and a handful of grandchildren.
Lil was devastated. We talked in the yard and on the phone often.
Nothing could console her in his passing. She cried often. I knew the tears were healing and I never discouraged them.
Sometime around the 2nd anniversary of Bill’s passing I had brought
up the idea of a talk therapist. Her children had asked over many times to seek out some counseling. I explained to her that I knew of
a good therapist that I had seen after my divorce. I offered to drive her and on the day of the first appointment, I even went in the office with her. I offered to be in there, and Lil agreed 100%. There was nothing she had not shared with me anyways.
Over a short time of several months, she stopped going. Time and also the therapy were a great help for Lil.
I also gave Lil a scrap book of sorts very early on. I found a lovely
photo album and added empty plastic sleeves. She was able to save all the sympathy cards fully opened up for viewing. I gave her many
poems and little notes too to keep adding to the book.
The funeral home had grief sessions, and her daughter took her to
a few of those. In the sessions they advised the folks to journal write.
I would bet you that Lil has filled up a dozen journals. She write to Bill. That has been quite healing.
If you would email me Becca, I have some of the word documents
that I had given to Lil and I would be more than happy to
email them your way for your grandmother.
What came out in Lil’s therapy was that she felt guilt for being alive.
She felt guilty for enjoying life, even for being around her family
without Bill around.
Keeping your grandmother from going into a closed off shell is
the very best thing you and her family can do. Take her places,
CALL HER. Send her mail. You reaching out like you have
trying to help her shows me what a SWEETHEART you are.
Sincerely,
Deb Estep AFMomDeb@aol.com
Deb Estep´s last blog .."Love Is The New Religion"
After my husband died, I attended grief counseling classes at my church. The most helpful exercise was to focus on the happy times we shared. Phone calls from my family and friends was also very comforting. Daily exercise (for me it was walking ) volunteering, helping others was very therapeutic. Grieving for a loved one is a process and takes time.
Hi Becca,
Thanks for writing me off line. I wanted to share back to
Corinne and everyone about our name connection. !!!
Becca’s Mom is named Debbie and her Grandmother is Lillian….
AND……. if that was not enough, I have a niece named…. BECCA.
I said to Bec, that is a GOD WINK.
xo xo
Deb
Deb Estep´s last blog .."Love Is The New Religion"
A wise woman, a Carmelite nun inspired by St. Augustine, sent this to me when my husband died and said that my husband might say these words to me. Give these words to your grandmother from your grandfather:
Death is naught
I have only passed to the other side.
I am me. You are you.
That which we were for each other, we are still.
Give me the name you have always given me.
Speak to me as you have always done.
Don’t use a different tone.
Don’t adopt a sad or solemn air.
Continue laughing at things
we laughed at together.
Pray, smile, think of me, pray with me.
Let my name be spoken at home
as it always has been -
Without emphasis of any kind,
or trace of a shadow.
Life still means what it meant.
It is that which it has always been.
The thread has not been cut.
Why would I be out of your thoughts?
Simply because I am out of your sight?
I am not far, just on the other side of the path.
You see, everything is fine.
You will rediscover my heart.
In it, you will rediscover pure tenderness…
(I love you. I always will.)
Blessings and peace be with you, dear heart.
Dear Judy -
How beautiful. Perfect consolation. I wonder who wrote it.
Did you ever see my article
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/when-your-husband-has-died-a-survival-guide
There are about 250 widows who help each other. I had no idea I was starting a forum when I wrote it almost two years ago.
I just put it on that site. I think it is so consoling.
Thank you for sharing it, Judy.
Judy… such a beautiful message… I did a search and
located this. I think it’s the original of what you shared.
Death is Nothing at All
by Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral sometimes referred to as ‘What is Death?’
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
All is well.
http://skdesigns.com/internet/articles/prose/holland/death/
Thanks so much for the research, Debra.
I always say that the smartest people comment on my blog.
Good work!
Dear Judy -
You never know where your words will go when you write a comment.
I knew it took some time to copy that poem.
I mentioned I shared it on my other article which is now a forum for widows.
Here is an answer I got today.
“The poem is so beautiful. I have saved it, and printed it, and read over it several times a day. I puts in to words my beliefs and how I hope and pray things truly are.
Today is my Gary’s 43rd birthday. I can’t believe he’s not here. I am taking the children to the masaleaum (sp?) after school for the first time for them. I am so scared. I need him so. I dreamt about him for the first time in weeks last night, and I am so thankful for that. I have to believe he is right here with me. It is the only way I can get through this.”
Thought you should know how you helped by being an angel.
Hello Everyone,
Just wanted to give you guys an update, I gave ,y grandmother a scrapbook for her 80th Birthday. The scrapybook is dedicated to my grandfather. I made several themed pages of family pictures throughout the year such as birthdays, the birth of grandchildren, vacations, etc. I also asked my family members & close family friends to write about their favorite memories of my grandfather. I placed the memories in the scrapbook, it was so touching to read what people wrote about my Grandfather.
The scrapbook is far from completetion, which is where the fun part comes in. I wrote a note to my Grandmother asking her to continue the book.
I gave her the book at her birthday party and she said she wasn’t quite ready to look at it, that night she went home and told me she stayed up looking at the book. She told me that she absolutely loves the book and that it is a very special present.
And here is the good news: We have already seen a change- she seems much happier and much more willing to talk about my Grandfather. She already started collecting pictures to add on to the book!
Thank you to everyone for all of your help! Your ideas worked and I am so very thankful! I think a scrapbook in memory of a deceased loved one is such a great idea and an excellent way to keep the person’s memory alive.
-Becca