FORGIVENESS – THE POSSIBLE DREAM

I heard an odd story the other day.  I guess it is supposed to be a joke.

“A man invited his mother for tea at the Ritz and made a TERRIBLE Freudian slip. He meant to ask her to pass the sugar, but instead said,

“You bitch!  You ruined my life!”

There is a new fad about.  We’ve gone from doing drugs and having open marriages in the 60’s and 70’s, to the ME generation in the 80’s and 90’s and have arrived in the new century with a strange bedfellow.

The new buzz word is “Forgiveness.”

In psychological circles, it is the evolvement from the therapy of the past decades which concentrated on feeling the anger to be free of it.

Do you remember things like primal screaming, role playing, taking assertiveness training, burning the flag and bras and women’s liberation?

We found lots of causes and people who angered us and to blame.  We still do.

Then, we joined 12-step programs – AA – Overeaters, Emotions, Sex, Narcotics Anonymous.  You name it.  There was a program.  I know a man who attends Emotions Anonymous because everyone seems crazier than he is and it makes him feel normal.

But mostly we joined because we realized we needed a Power greater than ourselves to help us.

Many of us have stopped our drinking, drugging, overeating and sexing.  But the programs made us so aware of “co-dependency” that we are almost afraid to help each other.

This is not a criticism of the 12 step programs.  They have saved our lives.  But, have we have become sober, unfeeling addicts.

The next step in healing, we hear, is forgiveness.

We have gotten the impression from our religious background that forgiveness means we have to let the perpetrator back into our lives.  Invite him for dinner?  Not so.  They may be the same toxic people they were and have not changed.  We don’t have to be the victim ever again.  Forgiveness is for us – not them!  It is to heal our own souls.  Not theirs.

But how do we get there?  And who, within us, is going there?  We have lost our selves along the way.

Who is the person under the addictions?  Is there someone there?

I remember telling a therapist long ago that I felt like a store with all the merchandise in the window and nothing inside.

We have been programmed not to feel very much.  From early on, we have heard, “Big boys don’t cry,” and “Don’t be such a baby.”   The worst one is -

“Stop crying!  There is nothing to cry about!”  Really?  Nothing? And the all time classic, “Stop being so selfish!”

So we kept a lot of things all covered up.  Nothing is our fault.  We are entitled to our anger.  Look what has been done to us.  It supports us, defines us.

So we project it out into our lives.  Play the blame game.   It’s our parents, of course, and spouses, evil, controlling people, the government, wars, bad economy – bad relationships. You can add your own to this list.  If all those people and things would just straighten up, our life would be perfect.

Is there merchandise inside your store?  What is it?  Those who have gone through enough pain can tell you.  It is the child you have covered up.  It is you.  It is me. Unhealed.  Frightened.  Hidden.  Sure he or she is bad.

This is the injured party who needs to get well.  This is the person who has to heal by forgiving.

There is a lot of literature and talk about healing this wounded child.

Dr. Kenneth Moses, a noted psychologist in the field of grieving, says the child can’t be healed.  That little one has to be taken care of.  That’s the best we can do.  That child will always be with us. Ken says we have to put this child in the back seat of our car and make sure he is securely and gently strapped in a car seat.

Then, tell the child, “I know you are hurt and I am sorry.  But I am big and I am doing the driving now.”

John Bradshaw, the famous writer, says we have to champion the child.  In a workshop, he leads a guided imagery back to an old memory.  One in which we felt humiliated, unloved and helpless.  Shamed.

He instructs us to view this painful movie in our mind.  See the suffering child.  Then, walk into the screen, our big selves today, and pick the child up.  Defend him.

He gives an example of how, as a small boy, a priest humiliated him in church, painfully twisting his ear.

In his movie, he walks down the aisle of the church, picks up little Johnny and screams at the priest, “You can’t get away with that anymore!”  He walks out of the church carrying the child.

I believe that the first thing is we have to recognize that this little one exists.

The Buddhists have a saying, “Show me your face before you were born.”

This child is our original face.

Only the original self can forgive the hurt others have done to us.  But it takes time to do this. We must remind ourselves when we feel bad about ourselves or the way we are treated today that there is a core emotion lurking under the feeling.  Pick up that big rock and look under it.  If you have the nerve, you will find it.

That feeling is one word. SHAME.

Awareness is the first step to healing.  We have to keep reminding ourselves of this when we are upset or feeling unappreciated or unloved.  We have to say, “Damn! There it is again!”

In the meantime, we have to enjoy the good times in the life we have. To find joy where we can.  To allow it in.

The late Ken Keyes spoke in his books about reducing our Needs to Preferences. To not expect so much of ourselves and other people or situations.

This will result in our enjoyment of the small, everyday occurrences.  We have to stop making everything so desperately important!

Dr. Kenneth Wapnick, the foremost authority and teacher of A Course in Miracles directs his Foundation in southern California.

I took a workshop with him.  In the middle of an intense discussion of the Course, he was asked who was the most spiritual person he had ever met.

Ken jokingly answered.  “The most spiritual person I ever met was a Jewish tailor in Brooklyn.  In the front of the store was the tailor shop.  In the back, he made bagels.

And  over the bagel oven was a sign that said, “So what else is new?”

He added that the Course could be summed up in two words, “SO WHAT?”

In a way, that is what forgiveness is.  So what?  It neutralizes makes inactive, our need to act out in destructive ways toward ourselves and others.  Nothing from the past can really hurt us.  It is over.

The original face, the authentic self is safe in the world.

And that child has never been condemned.  The child is sinless.  That child is me.  That child is you.