My dearest friend, Arlene, died peacefully last Sunday on Mother’s Day. I found it consoling since she always dreaded that day after her only son, Stevie, died ten years ago.

I think she finally was reunited with him and had a joyous Mothers Day this year.

You may have read an article I wrote about Arlene. It was called “Making New Best Friends – A tutorial from Arlene.”

I had no idea, when I wrote it, that her family and friends sent it all over to each other and so many of them commented.

Arlene said it was a memorial service so she did not need one after she died. Consequently, her passing will be marked as a party in her favorite restaurant. Her friend, Roberta, who is a well known pianist in Chicago, is going to play only love songs and there will be no formal service. She just wants us to get together and say nice things to each other and about her.

“How many people are around to hear their own eulogies?” she said. “That is what your blog did for me.”

I picked out only the comments from her close friends and relatives and have assembled them here – although she read every comment from people who did not know her and appreciated them.

So, Arlene, here is your memorial service. It is a Celebration of Your Life!”

We will miss you. But we have already grieved you.

Sandra Salzman

What a sincerely informative article about a lovely woman and how she affects people with her style and grace just with hello . I am fortunate to be one of those friends and have seen Arlene in action…she is enchanting and all those who meet her succumb to her charm and most importantly find a dedicated friend. Her life circle is comparable with Jupiter!

Having that capability to just say hello and speak with strangers is such a wonderful thing….I think that it is one of the most giving gestures that we can do; to open and present ourselves just as we are at that moment to complete strangers and connect the human chain of life. In just giving & sharing those few moments of truth one can strongly affect someone in a very profound way.
I am lucky that I have several other friends, Cathy and Marie who also always have a smile and always say hello to strangers in very similar circumstances. I so admire that quality in people and hope that I emulate that kind characteristic.

Harold and Pearl Silver

We love Arlene. When she would come to NYC Arlene would “squeeze us” in to her
busy schedule and we felt honored for her to do so.
Tutorial describes Arlene very well. Yes, our friendship goes back over 60 years and we wish her well. With much love, Pearl and Harold

June Gross

Corinne - enjoyed the tutorial about Arlene. One of the major highlights of my visits to you each year was the luncheon date with you and Arlene. She would immediately greet me with a big hug and then tell me how beautiful I was when SHE was the beautiful one and probably the most charming woman I have ever met.
If you are reading this Arlene, I love you.
June

Corinne Edwards

Those were fun lunches, June.

Her biggest disappointment was that she never made a “match” for me.
I remember one day we were walking out of her building. There was a Bentley parked out in front.
We had walked about 50 feet and she said, “Just wait a minute.”
You said,
“Where is she going?”
I answered, “She’s going to find out who owns that Bentley.”
Sure enough, she came back to tell us. “He’s married.”

Lisa Ruderman

Dear Corinne,
Your website is a godsend - truly an act of kindness to us all! Thank you for letting us have room for reflection.
As Arlene’s niece, I feel honored to be one of her family members! She is a lovely soul with one of the most open hearts on this planet! No one is perfect, but she is close. I don’t know where or how to begin to even reflect on Arlene’s magical ability to connect with people. She embodies compassion and unconditional acceptance for most everyone she comes in contact with - she has qualities that all human beings have, but don’t access.
I have learned so much from my dear aunt…and by the way…Stevie matched up my husband and me now for 29 wonderful years! Arlene made sure that Stevie inherited the gift of creating connections…that he gave to all of us as well!
I only hope that I will be able to pass along the friendship lessons to others that I have learned from my sweet aunt, role model, mentor and supporter…as I go through the rest of my life!
Thank you Arlene for you, and all that you have unselfishly given to all of us! My wish is for all of us to carry a part of Arlene’s role, to love, give and honor others, as Arlene has done…to make the world a better place! I love you!
Lisa

Danielle Ruterman

Corinne,
Thank you for providing this chance for us to express our love for my favorite great aunt/grandmother.
As a young child I have so many fond memories of my Arlene.
My favorite and most lucid ones are from Thanksgiving when she, Stevie, and Uncle Lee would fly into Santa Barbara. Arlene would sit and watch my cousins and I perform and she would always cheer us on. Arlene always listened to me even when I was a very young girl. She listened to what we had to say and would carry on very mature (appropriate) but very sophisticated conversations with u. She made me feel like what I had to say truly meant something.
Arlene is a beautiful, kind, intelligent, caring, loving and extraordinarily special person.
She was always so gentle with all of my cousins that she became a second grandmother to us all.
Arlene is a woman of remarkable courage, love and hope.
She always believed in me and always encouraged me to be who I truly was. Arlene is directly responsible for any and all parts of me that are good and true. I love you Aunt Arlene.
You are forever my favorite aunt/grandmother.
You are hope incarnate.
I would like to close this comment with something I wrote as a teenager. Arlene is the perfect example of what is written below.
“I believe that every time you laugh, every time you cry, every time YOU live, you put hope into the world. You become hope.”
I love you so much. May God bless you now and always.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything.
I promise everything will be ok.
I am always here for you. You fill my heart with joy and gratitude. You and my other grandma are my heroes.
Your niece/granddaughter, Danielle

Janis Berkman

Dear Corinne,
Thank you for starting what’s become a long love letter from all of us to my Aunt Arlene.
How lucky I’ve been to have her all my 57+ years as a second mother and as another beloved grandmother to my two sons! The thought of losing our precious, irreplaceable Arlene is unbearable…
On a lighter note, Arlene always gets a kick out of saying that she’s a “professional aunt.” But she’s a “professional” in so many areas - from theater, film, music, art and literature to fashion, travel and food, and many even mental telepathy. She is what Malcolm Gladwell, author of “The Tipping Point,” calls a Connector – someone with “an instinctive gift for making social connections.” Arlene is similar to one of the Connectors that Gladwell describes: “He simply likes people, in a genuine and powerful way, and he finds the patterns of acquaintanceship and interaction in which people arrange themselves to be endlessly fascinating.”
People instantly recognize that she has a special quality that goes beyond empathy, with the uncanny ability to understand others, know what they need, and accept them without being judgmental. I admire the extraordinary love and devotion she has shown as Steve’s mother and Lee’s wife, as well as her compassion for all her friends, family and humanity in general. (As a child I was impressed that she took the time to make recordings for the blind.)
How is it possible to go through almost 80 years of living with never a mean word or even a cranky demeanor? She has the gift of lighting up a room when she enters, which Steve also had. When Arlene, Lee and Steve would visit us in California, the “good times would roll” and all was well with the world. I loved sitting with Arlene after one of my mother’s delicious meals as she would talk about peoples’ lives in a bubbling stream of perceptive observations, confidential asides, and sometimes lengthy tangents that were nonetheless entrancing to me. In hindsight, I can say she always gave me good advice.
During this overwhelmingly difficult time in her life, I’m grateful that so many of Arlene’s friends and family have lovingly circled around her, helping in every way possible, and reminding her how much she means to them.

Peg Barry

I met Arlene only once and all I remember is laughter, love, light, glitter what they called “pizzazz” and oh yes, she reminded me of all those fabulous 50s women (like Kay Thompson from the Audrey Hepburn movie - Funny Face) who have such allure and elegance - the fabulous jewelry and a personality to match. They just don’t make em like that anymore. Just Glam!!!!! Love it.

Corinne Levin

Hello Corinne,
I am Corinne from California who is deeply jealous of anyone who gets to spend time with Arlene on a regular basis! Thank you so much for the beautiful gift of your article, now a forum for us to share our feelings about Arlene. It has been especially hard for those of us who are far away from her and not able to offer our tangible support during her health crisis. Arlene is my father-in-law’s dear cousin, so although I am not a blood relative, I most certainly consider her to be a cherished member of my family. I was so tickled by your article because I consider myself to be one of those strangers Arlene met and immediately treated as an old friend. When you marry into a family, you are an outsider to a certain extent. But when I met Arlene, one of the matriarchs of the close clan, I knew right away why I was never made to feel like an outsider! Arlene seems to have set a tone for openness many of her family have adopted - including my husband who has always expressed his deep admiration for Arlene. In her presence, Arlene has a way of making you feel you are the only person in the room she wishes to speak to and the two of you have a private joke going. I am only now realizing she has this relationship with everyone! What a talent that is to make her friends and family feel so special, so supported in what ever they are doing with their lives. But her true talent is in the authenticity of her attention and the true depth of her love. She always gets right to the heart of the matter, to what matters to you - that is her gift to those she spends time with. Arlene has provided me with one of my true role models as a mother, wife, friend, aunt - a fun loving, intelligent, classy, giving woman. I have never met anyone quite like her and I feel so honored to have gotten to know her. I can honestly say that I often think of Arlene and miss her greatly when she is not visiting her equally beautiful sister in California. I hope she is finding some comfort in reading these responses to your article. There is nothing she deserves more now than comfort and joy as she endures this awful disease. I will not be able to visit her in the near future, but I feel her presence around my family knowing her thoughts come our way. I hope she knows how often our conversations are about her! I am proud my children share some of the same blood and perhaps some of her golden spirit. As they go out in to the world, I hope they open up to people the way my “cousin” has to me. We love you, Arlene!

Bob Trilling

There is very little that you can tell me about Arlene, the younger of my 2 sisters…she was easy to be with and to talk to…on the other hand I tended to be more like my father, fix things, be self reliant, be stoic but to be careful, He locked his car in front of a police station, be careful and lock all of the doors and windows in your home and the tine of the holocaust, that you should be more careful because of who you were…Arlene was more free and open and stayed close to her friends, beautiful as a princess, and exceptionally intelligent and well read. I don’t know how she became so open but I looked forward to my visits with her. I could listen for hours while she recounted her travels and experiences.
I’m glad to have her and will be happy to have her as long as she can stay around.

Bob adds a P.S.
As I am a Widower, Arlene made a match for me and my current life partner, Rhea….its now over 17 years.

Harold and Pearl Silver

While reading all the heartfelt tributes to Arlene I suddenly realized how we can all be connected to one another in loving one person: Arlene. The thread of connection between life and death is so tenuous, so fragile, yet, amazingly strong.
Reading the comments also made me hear Arlene’s voice as if she were here beside me looking over my shoulder and saying: “Who is this person everyone is writing about? No one can be that gracious, that loving, that open, that friendly, and yes, that beautiful.” No one. Except you, Arlene.
Much love, Pearl and Harold

Ron Wise

I, too, find “Making New Best Friends” a wonderfully perceptive view of Arlene that captures her warmth and openness, defining qualities that are so lovingly echoed through the many responses on this site. However, I feel the need to comment on a thought that appears in the sentence “don’t hear about ordinary, friendly people like Arlene.” Whatever one might say about Arlene, the word ordinary isn’t likely to be included. There is little about her that is ordinary. Extraordinary yes, but ordinary — not a chance! I feel I can speak with some authority on this since, like my cousins, I have had the pleasure of knowing this amazing woman my entire life.

Over the years, I have come to truly appreciate that Arlene is the all-too-rare individual people find immediate comfort and delight being with. I have also observed that upon meeting her, she is the person youngsters aspire to be like and many adults regret never having become.
What I find especially intriguing is her skill at sharing considerable gifts of intellect, charm, wit and beauty so easily that the enchantment occurs almost mystically. How rare is that?
And now for the difficult part. Does she have a challenging disease? The answer is clearly yes! Having said this, I want to suggest we don’t close her book too quickly. Looking back over many years in the healthcare trenches, I have witnessed some remarkable surprises from those who were supposed to exit stage right and instead reentered stage left. My feeling is best summed up by a line from “Lawrence of Arabia,” (one of Arlene’s favorite films and mine, too) that occurs when Lawrence responds to a remark by Sherif Ali regarding preordained inevitability by boldly declaring — “nothing is written!” I, for one, am betting on that wisdom.

Randye Lorden

It’s long after midnight and I am sitting alone in my living room reading Corinne’s blog – the first blog I have ever read, actually. I have heard about Janis and Corinne, Ron and Lisa, Bob and Danielle … most of you for years now and while we have never had the opportunity to meet, Arlene has drawn such vivid pictures of you all that I feel as if I am not alone at all tonight but rather in the company of old friends.

We are all connected by the gift of loving the same woman. And while knowing her in different ways, all of us are clearly able to feel one another’s experience of Arlene. Ron, however, is so right to point out that Arlene is anything but ordinary. Anyone who can not only make you feel their love, but makes you feel better about yourself because you trust their love, is an extraordinarily gifted individual. But we know that, don’t we? That’s why we feel compelled to connect like this in an open forum.
I was in Chicago not too long ago and got a chance to spend time with my friend and surrogate mother of 36 years. During our visit she mentioned something about the way she looks, and indeed she has lost a great deal of weight. But here’s the strange thing; not one ounce of her beauty has been compromised. During the several hours that we had been visiting I was mesmerized by the fact that despite her illness and the change in her physical appearance, Arlene is still as beautiful as the first day we met in Little Italy when my Uncle Buddy included me in a dinner that changed my life with this simple introduction.

That cold afternoon this past February in Chicago it was abundantly clear that Arlene’s inner beauty is so intense that even cancer can’t diminish it.

Thanks, Corinne, for bringing us all together in this blog. I am the kind of person who would normally appreciate but not participate in this sharing of experience or feelings. But when I read others’ thoughts, and found myself smiling at their experiences – which might have easily been my own – I knew I had to add to the embrace.

If we are on this planet for a reason, I would like to believe that love is at the core. We can only touch so many, but I have faith in the ripple effect of love and in that we can make subtle but enormous differences in simple, every day gestures like not “being afraid to talk to strangers”.
.
Mari Forsyte
Corinne, I am so grateful for this forum for all of us. I met Arlene 39 years ago, in a yoga class. While we did our “Cobra” pose, and were exhaling, she looked across at me, and said “You know you are beautiful”. After class we decided, to have one of our many delightfully delicious lunches, which we wished would never end. I had lived in the U.S.for app. 30 years when I met her but never met anybody, who had such a powerful and positive influence on me. I’ve learned from her the meaning of acceptance, warmth, inclusion into her family and friends. I also learned about beautiful things, like great cloth, jewelry, great food, and the luxury of having a friend who knew me well, and accepted me as I was. And other gift that I could share with her was Stevie. Arlene did a wonderful job, in raising him to be a loving, fun, person with whom I had also lunches, and good times. Lee with his generosity, and dry humor, how lucky I am to have this in my life.
Your friends, Mari and Alex

Arnie Rubens

I’ve never enjoyed a lifelong personal relationship with Arlene, but my perception of her
mirrors what has been expressed. I base my feelings primarily on what my mother said
about her over the years. They knew each other since childhood. She always remarked about Arlene’s beauty– both inside and out….
Like many, my mom, tremendously respected how Arlene dealt with Steve’s handicap.
Regarding Steve, on several occasions, I remember her saying Arlene was a testament to how someone positively dealt with a hand they didn’t expect to get. Maybe God gave Steve to Arlene knowing she would be the best mother in the world for him.
Her strong, capable and realistic character again shines through in now handling her illness.
Based upon what I’ve known, I’m not surprised.
Some things never change… Arlene’s beauty inside and out forever shines through.

Andy Lefkowitz

Arlene:
Oh my. What a great friend to people of all ages. Just so kind hearted to my mother when she lost her mother, to my sister when we lost our mother, and to us when we lost our father.
But not just in times of distress–she never missed a joyful event in the Lefkowitz family. She was always there. Traveling to Ohio for weddings and bar mitzvahs. To San Diego for my wedding.
And when we came to Chicago, she was the ultimate hostess/friend/tour guide/story teller.
But what I love most about Arlene was talking to her in our kitchen–often late into the night. She made me feel like I was the most important person–that no one else mattered. She was great for boosting self-confidence–which we all need–and for making me laugh–repeatedly.
Your friend, your son of your friend, your brother of your friend, Andy

Elliot Berkman

I also have been blessed to know Arlene my whole life. She is my great aunt, but my cousins and I all thought of her alternately as a grandmother or fairy godmother, a source of unending benevolence and affection that asked for nothing in return. And we are not the only ones who are so lucky to know Arlene in this way. She makes a habit of drawing the people in her life closer—strangers become friends, friends become family, and distant family becomes intimate. What gives Arlene this force is her insight into the beauty of each person’s mind and spirit. But make no mistake—her power to detect the extraordinary in every person is more than simple Pollyannaism. She has known more pain and suffering, both physical and psychological, than nearly anyone I know. Rather than allowing the vicissitudes of her time to shape or embitter her, she instead has transformed them with unusual grace and will, folding them into her life’s narrative of love, humor, and joy. Even more than the love and connection I have with Arlene, I am awed to witness the strength with which she interacts with the world and the rest of us in it, and the wonders that she receives in return.

Dorothy Wise

When I was to meet Arlene and Lee for the first time, Ron told me that she occupied a special place in his heart and that he knew I would like her. What an understatement. He didn’t tell me that she glittered when she walked. And he certainly didn’t tell me that she could charm even the comatose to get up and dance. I was dazzled. And after thirty-five years, I remain dazzled. She is a most exceptional woman.
Although Ron has many wonderful and brilliant cousins, she is truly the jewel in the family crown. Her charm and intelligence are legendary, as are her beauty and style. But first, that smile. That megawatt, bring out the sunglasses smile. I adore her sly sense of humor and her cunning insights and will always cherish the times we spent together.
Because of Arlene, I have tried not to judge and to at least try to turn around negativity. And yes, to be the first one to smile.
Because of Arlene, the world is a better place.

Mike Ruderman

What a kick my aunt Arlene gets out of life, savoring the subtleties of this world and its inhabitants! In this way, I remember being shown her matchbook collection from hotels and restaurants from around the world, little treasures that less aware travelers would overlook and disregard. I have since started similar collections, albeit not so worldly. My aunt has the capacity to appreciate this manifold world not because she is simply lucky; instead it is by virtue of the fact that she has reaped what she has sowed, and it appears to me to be a labor of love.

As much as I believe Arlene loves this life, she simultaneously embraces life’s essential impermanence, a precursor for the qualities she embodies. This may be why I have never had a conversation stunted by small talk or trivialities with her. She rightly realizes that there simply isn’t time for it! “Be authentic or move on!” might be an appropriate motto for her. It is then only natural that this forum should have post after post of testimony to her meaningful role in the personal lives of so many family and friends. I do not think I speak for myself when I say that Arlene is a resource of unending potential, with attentive presence and unconditional love coming to mind first. Aunt Arlene, if you’re reading this, let me remind you of what you already know, I love you, in this timeless moment, and in the next.

Kyle Berkman

At Arlene’s table, we are all masters of our own destinies. If you don’t believe me, try sharing a three-hour Indian meal with Arlene. See if you don’t become the hero of your own narrative. Under her loving purview, no quality – no matter how elusive – is beyond your grasp and no future – no matter how extravagant or improbable – is ever closed to you. Your meteoric rise to top starts by sitting down with Arlene.
One motif in these posts that seems to me to be spot on is the image of Arlene as an exclusive dealer in pith and substance. Where others act as if they have all the time in the world, Arlene never has time for small talk, small worries, or small fears. The ancient rabbis liked to talk about the metaphor of the Sabbath Queen, the otherworldly force that, on the Sabbath, transports us from the everyday drudgery of life to the sublime – to the truly important, the decent, and the beneficent. Who could deny that this sounds an awful lot like Arlene? As others have mentioned, she has a way of getting to the heart of the matter, and fast. But not in an indelicate or intrusive way – in fact, you won’t even notice what she was doing until years later. All you’ll remember is that you felt like yourself, and that you were having a damn good time doing it.
For better or for worse, Arlene’s own narrative is in some ways the story of “she who drinks mightily from the cup of life” even though – let’s face it – her cup hasn’t always been quite full. You might say that Arlene eats adversity for breakfast, although you wouldn’t need to, because she would never call it adversity. The whole notion of adversity implies a structure of fate and luck that is entirely antithetical to Arlene’s worldview. Not quite stoicism, not quite Eastern philosophy, Arlene’s is the “come what may” school of thought taken to its most elegant extreme, with a panache, humor, and flair for the memorable all its own. Call it beauty. Call it dignity.
You might not know too many octogenarians on a first-name basis with the characters from Entourage – unless you know Arlene. But don’t even think of writing that off as an outlier or a late development. It’s all part of the master plan. When you’re dealing with Arlene, you’re dealing with a professional.
Three cheers for Arlene, who brought a little class and grace to this tasteless joke we call life. Three cheers for the Sabbath Queen, the professional, who shows us all every day how to do it right.

Judy Levin

Dearest Arlene,
When I first met you I was an unsophisticated college student. Sy brought me to meet his dear cousins and favorite aunt. I could not believe how beautiful, elegant, and sophisticated the three of you were. I sat quietly and listened to your sparkling wit and intelligent conversation and I thought I was finally meeting high society. The most remarkable part of it was that you were all so warm and friendly, as if I were already a member of your family. After that, every time we met you treated me with such love and respect that I felt that I was truly a part of your special family. Over the years we have grown together and my love for you has never wavered. The times we spent together were never long enough, and the amazing part of it is that you have never changed; you are as beautiful and dazzling now as when I first met you. To me your beauty is not only on the outside but shines from your loving heart. I always felt that we were friends as well as family, the best kind of relationship.
Although we are not near you now I feel your presence in my heart and think of you and love you always.
Don’t give up, my beloved cousin.
Love, Judy

Sy Levin

My Dearest Arlene:
We have known each other for 74 years. Do you remember that much of my life & the way I do things has been a gift from you? When I told you I didn’t like the name “Seymour”, you said, “How about ‘Sy’?” Most people still call me that, except for Judy, when she wants me to do a chore! You have also played a part in the progress of my medical career. I keep your picture by my desk, & while working & thinking, I look up at your smiling face and see those lovely dimples, & any problem becomes simple. I have so many sweet memories of our families together: How you loved Ben & Edna, you & Harriet tap dancing on the board in the attic of the house on Pine, Nippersink (did I spell it right?), your raving about Capri, & talking to you just 2 weeks ago. Even though the phone call exhausted you, you wanted to know all about our new grand daughter, and all the things going on in our lives. We love you with all our hearts.
Love, Sy

Steven Ruderman

Dear Arlene,
I first met you through Steve, as his sailing instructor and friend. I was fortunate to have you remain in our lives by joining the family, and having 30 more wonderful years! You have generated a truly remarkable and inspirational legacy. Loving family and friends adore you and treasure countless “Aunt Arlene” stories and memories. Thank you again for all that you have been and all that you mean to us. We love you.
Steven Ruderman

Jason Levin

Dearest Arlene,
I just wanted to drop you a note to tell you how much I love you. Whenever I think of you, I am filled with the feeling of delight that you and I are blessed to have the special relationship that we have. I have always considered myself lucky to be related to you (remember: first cousin once removed…). You are a kind, considerate, generous, fun, loving person who lights up any room you enter.
I love your spirit and always have it with me, knowing that I have someone “pulling” for me in Chicago (my kind of town because my cousin, Arlene, lives there…).
You are in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers.
Love always,
Jason

Sandra Saltzman

Knowing Arlene…..these words hold for me and many who know her such a vast array of life’s most wonderful things; joy, love, enlightenment, humor, wit, beauty, extraordinary friendship, kindness, caring, constructive criticism and elated praise….I could go on with every lofty adjective that there is to write but truly, just knowing her has affected my life so profoundly. I am so fortunate to have Arlene as my dear, dear friend, mentor, “fashionista extradoinaire”, world class traveling gal pal, shop till you drop, it anywhere we would happen to be on the planet, usually Paris or New York, searching for life’s little treasures.

And a treasure she is to many; her lovely family that I know even though most of them don’t know me. I have shared their lives through Arlene; her loving friends who have become my dear friends.
Our Mothers even share the same birthday, today as a matter of fact, April 21. I was a child blessed with wonderful parents like Arlene and both of our Mothers influenced us so positively. I would like to share a poem that my mother wrote in 1969. She was a published poet and had won awards for her writings.
HOLE IN THE AIR
Mourn silently,
I tell you
Mourn silently.
Say nothing.
Leave words to those
who cannot mourn.
Grieve quietly,
I say, grieve quietly.
Touch nothing.
Do not stir this air.
I am measuring
and cannot comprehend
How a small being
Can leave so vast
A hole in the air
That I, larger,
Am lost in it.
Nor how her ambience
Filling it, overflowed,
Spilling everywhere.
Nor how a small voice
Stilled, leaves not
Silence, but absent
Of its sound,
Flown beyond the
Reach of despair.
Arlene will always be with me. Knowing her… I am truly blessed. I am so very lucky.

Florrie Hershkowitz

I read Corinne’s blog and I cried, because I have to tell you I have a friend who is just like that, and her name is Arlene.. I was hoping that her cancer would go into remission and stay there, and for a while it looked like it might, but I realized when I spoke to her on Sunday, she is really getting sick.
Tell me what will happen to all those Best Friends? Will they just go on making more? I don’t think I will, I do have some of the new best friends I also have come to know on planes, trains and real estate….but the ones I have had forever….will it ever be the same ?
I wrote this in Corrine’s blog as soon as I read it….then; and since then, we have been fortunate enough to celebrate Arlene’s Birthday, and enjoy it with her. Even when she was unable to blow out the candles.

We have all had time to visit more, and talk about old times more. And we have done that. Arthur and Arlene and I have spent some time talking these past weeks, and we are grateful for that. We talked about old fiends, some of whom are no longer with us, looked at pictures of the Trillings and Steve with my first Grandchild, (how sweet was that to find!)
The first time we met two months after we moved from New York, at a New Years Eve party in 1962. and all the strange things that happened that night. So many things after…

The morning, very early, I awoke to find Arlene next to me in my bed…well, she drove Stevie to work very early , and didn’t feel like going home , so why not.? Arthur was getting the kids off to school, and said,”go on up”.

We cooked together, we learned together, we shopped together, and we shared so much…Arlene often said ,”You and I, Florrie, had the same Mother”, she was so right, They came from the same mold.
They expected perfection as a rule, and didn’t feel any need to praise it.

As we all know Arlene was effusive with her compliments…but they were never hollow.
She was loved dearly by all of us, and friends far and wide; and there is not a person, young, old, male or female, relative, employee, caregiver, hairdresser, salespeople at stores, and the world at large, anywhere she ever graced with her presence that will not miss her.
Her last word to us were I love you with all the love my heart can hold…We cannot ever forget that.

Alex Edwards

As far as I’m concerned, there has never been a world without Arlene Shelley. To me, it’s been the Sun, the Moon and Arlene.
Arlene knew me my entire life. She and my mother first met back in 1965, shortly before my mom was pregnant with me.
It is difficult to encapsulate my thoughts about a person whom I have known for so long and has been such a close part of my family.
Arlene has seen me as a newborn, a young boy, a young man and now a person with a wife and son of my own.
I shall always look back at my time with Lee, Arlene and Stevie, with a heart full of love and gratitude.
From swimming pool parties to the 1970’s to countless birthdays, Holiday gatherings and other occasions.
I consider myself very lucky to have been associated with such wonderful people. We had so many good times.
Arlene always had a nice word to say and was always enthusiastic about what I was doing in school, work or other pursuits. Arlene loved
music and would always find something to appreciate about it, whether it was the Beatles, jazz standards or Punk Rock.
She was always so complimentary and affirming of me whenever I saw her. . She never tired of my insisting that she tell
the story again and again about how her father (a Chicago Patrolman in the 1920’s) knew and interacted with Al Capone.
She and I loved many similar kinds of entertainment such as Jack Benny or the Marx Brothers.
When Dawn and I married, it was Lee and Arlene who threw our special wedding dinner in China Town the night before.
Arlene always knew the perfect place to go.
Arlene was a wonderful friend and truly the epitome of class, understatement and elegance.
Arlene, from me, Dawn and Julie II, we will always love and cherish you.

Peter Van Name

Where do I even begin to write about my friend Arlene? I called her a few years ago out of the blue, at a time when everything was just fine and everyone was healthy to let her know that next to my mother and father she was one of the most influential people in my life. I don’t know what the female version of a “Mench” is but that’s Arlene. Arlene is grace, elegance, empathy and sincerity. She has an amazing ability to be able to relate to anyone, anywhere and on almost any level. She is always so well dressed, beautifully put together and gorgeous however she has never been vain or out to impress anyone. No one knew how to live and love like Arlene. She and Lee were explorers and adventures. The traveled everywhere and people loved them every where they went because they always had the openness and curiosity about them.
Arlene has been a trusted confidant and advisor to me and countless others, always without judgment.
She, Lee and Stevie have been a wonderful example of love and compassion. They have welcomed us into their family and we have always welcomed them into ours.
When I brought my wife home to Chicago years ago to “meet the family” during the holidays, she told me Arlene was one of the people who made her feel most welcome and at home.
I have great sadness that Arlene is facing a very difficult time. She faces it however with friends and relatives who have all rallied around her with so much love. They would do anything for her. When Arlene moves on to her next great adventures, we should all know and remember that our world is a better, brighter place as a result of having her in our lives. Arlene’s example of love, kindness and caring will live forever in my heart and I am sure in all those who know her.
All my love,
Peter

Rhea Freeman

I’ve started speaking to people I don’t know at the supermarket. The 99 year old woman shopping for Passover has become a new friend. The woman filling her shopping basket with Elderberry juice; with whom I discussed the benefits of this nectar and offering to her information on complementary medicine - another new friend.
Thank you Arlene, for teaching me how to make new friends. Arlene knew how to live. She also knows how to die,
She called me her sister. I will miss her.
Rhea

Paul Van Name

They don’t make them like Arlene Shelly anymore.
I will miss her wit, sense of insight and crystalline thinking.
She was a raconteur extraordinaire with the warmest of hearts.
The world will be a much less interesting place without her.
Paul Van Name

Florrie

You are the one Corrine, I don’t know how else to express it, but anyone who can call you friend is so exceptionally lucky….Who else could ever create this testimony to our friend, and it says it all. Even those who found it difficult to write are reading it, over, and over, and it is so meaningful for everyone. Each and every friend and relative of Arlene’s has something familiar to all of us to write; and we all appreciate it. No surprises from anyone, it is all Arlene, and how much we love her, and will miss her….BUT, you did it!!!!And without you, Corrine, it wouldn’t have been shared. Arlene gave me so much in the years I have been here, Corinne, and now she gave me you.

Doris and Dick Seidlitz

What more is there to say–it’s all been said in the blogs I read. The major tragedy is that Arlene will not be able to read them. She never did things so people would love and appreciate her–she always did things out of her deepest heart and never asked anything in return.
We met her at Willie Hecker’s apartment in the 60’s and like everyone else became her “best” friend. When she came to NY she would always call and say, I’m calling you first.” I always wondered how many other people she said that to–but it didn’t matter.
One thing we did teach her was to be on time–we were always guilty of being late and taught ourselves not to be and Arlene, in her later years would always be on time.
We traveled with her to France, St. Barts, Capri and she knew people wherever. A fond recollection we had was one day walking down the street in Capri when all the jewelers ran out and greeted Arlene and Lee encouraging them to come into the shop. But much as she loved jewelry she was never ostentatious or showy–it was all for her never to impress people.
We knew and loved Stevie and Lee and her love of both of them was unflagging.
We spent two weekends in Chicago with her after she became ill and she was always thinking of the other person, accepting her fate gracefully.
She was our dear, dear friend and we will love her forever.
Doris and Dick Seidlitz

Steve Lutvak to Sandra Salzman

Thank you so much for letting me know about Arlene…I knew this was coming, of course, but it’s still always — well, hard to hear. She was very dear to me, as you know, and I will miss her a great deal.

I just tried calling you, but got your voice mail, and didn’t have it in me to leave a message. I’ll try you again before long.

Many thanks again. I know how very important you were to Arlene, and I so appreciate your letting me know.

Steve

The original article on Arlene can be read here

Most of us are not too good at this. We are very likely to say –

“Who the hell does he/she think he is????”
“How dare you talk behind my back?”

Or worse. Make a call. Tell them off. Send a letter or an email. Then we call everyone we know to tell the story how we have been victimized. Starting with your sister and close friends – then moving on to your phone book. People you haven’t contacted in years. Your roommate in college. You can’t stop. You want confirmation about how you have been insulted. After all you have done for this person!.

And everyone agrees. You have been done wrong! That adds more fuel to your fire. Now, you are really mad! With every call we get madder. And legitimately so. So what do you do?

JUST STOP. JUST SHUT UP! (very hard)

The first thing is to decide if the offense is great enough to break off the relationship permanently. That’s the easy answer. You just say, “I am out of here. Don’t darken my door or emails again.” And mean it.

Perhaps it is not that easy. It could be a member of your family or a very long term friend and you cannot really disengage like that. They may be a part of your life that involves other close associations. Maybe even your livelihood.

Some beginning and interim steps could start with:

Stop calling everyone and telling them about it. Don’t talk about it at all. Give your self some time to calm down. Nothing has to be done today. Really!

Get some distraction. Anything. Go to the supermarket. Pay your bills. Take a walk. Watch reruns of Sex and the City. The objective here is to stop obsessing about it for a while so you can calm down. The objective here is to try to get to a point of objectivity. You can’t think clearly when you are so upset. In the meantime, have no contact with the person who has caused you pain. Check your caller ID and do not answer the phone, the door or any emails. Call in sick. You are out. Try to do these things for two days. More if you can.

Have you calmed down a little? Can you look at this from a new perspective? The old adage that there are three sides to every story is usually true. Yours. Theirs. And the real story. Can you face that possibility yet? I know this is hard to take but there is a grain of truth in every controversy. Are you willing to look for it?

You may not be able to completely stay away from the person who has hurt you. It could be someone at your job or a close family or friend. If you can, can you refuse to discuss it right now? Can you play nice? Put your t shirt on that reads, “Plays well with others” for just a while.

If you get to this point, can you ignore the whole situation for a while? Eventually, you will have to have a discussion about the dispute. Make an appointment with the person but in a completely different environment - not in the office or in your home or theirs. Someplace where it may be embarrassing to have a shout out.

Make a written agenda for the meeting. Ask the other person to do the same. Go into the meeting with an open heart. You want to strike a compromise here so prepare your words carefully. Avoid things like what you did to me. Come in with the attitude more with how it made you feel. Start with an attitude that you really want to solve this or come to some agreement on SOMETHING. If only that you both want to mend the break in the relationship.

If all else fails, and you have to end the relationship, do it with the feeling that it has benefited you in the past, you will never forget the good and it could be repaired in the distant future. Try not to burn all the bridges down.

Then JUST SHUT UP! Go on with your life. This whole matter has taken up enough free rent in your head.

Read Albert’s articles at the Urban Monk:

I got my first rejection from a publisher today.

I was very proud.

Because in order to be rejected,
someone had read my work.

A professional.

And, if someone had read my work,
I must now be a writer.

One thing confused me.

I had smeared my life guts on those pages.
The ink was blood.

And the letter I received today -
said they were not accepting fiction
at this time.

This is the difference.

If you want to write a book and you think your idea has real merit but you are not confident as a writer, you might consider hiring a ghost writer. This is not writing with someone whose name is also on your book. This is a paid person who writes as a “work for hire.” They will charge by the hour, including personal conversations with you and/or by the page. Projects can take six months or more, depending on the length of the work.

But even if you end up on Oprah and make millions, they generally do not get paid any more than was originally contracted.

The exception to this is if you are a famous person or have a well known story. Many of these books have been ghost written. Usually this financial arrangement is negotiated by the publisher who has a contract with the writer.

There are many ghost writers listed on the Internet. Do your research. It would be convenient if they lived in your area so that you could meet with them periodically to discuss how it is going but much can be accomplished by telephone or email.

Talk to them first. See if you like the person. And give them a general idea of what your book is about. Some people worry about their idea being stolen, which is not likely.

If that concerns you, you can register a rough outline, giving details about the story with the Writers Guild of America – West. Go to their site for their guidelines at www.wga.org. Note that you cannot register a name or an idea. It has to be something that is written. They suggest that it should be at least two pages of copy.

That will give you protection without going to the trouble of copywriting which is usually done after a work is finished. The cost is $20.00 and is good for five years which will stop you from worrying. You will get a registration certificate with a number. Tell the person you hire what number has been assigned to you for your work. Ghost writers do not want to wrangle with the powerful WGA.

The WGAw says the following. The work-in-progress is what I want you to notice.

Even if you have copyright through the Library of Congress, registering with the WGAw Registry creates a separate legal record for your material. In addition, you may consider registering treatments or drafts of your work-in-progress with our Registry prior to registering your final draft with the Copyright Office.

You should ask a ghost writer for several samples of their writing and see if their style coincides with the way you feel your book should sound. You want to find your “voice” in theirs. Perhaps, someone who writes like you talk. There is usually no fee for this initial contact.

Then, make sure that they have some background with your topic. You don’t want a technical writer if you are composing a romantic novel.

You do have to give them something to start with. If only the outline, or what is referred to as a “storyboard.”

So much for ghost writing.

More likely, what you will need after you make some headway on your book is an editor. And, when it is finished, possibly a “book-doctor.”

An editor will check all your grammar and your punctuation and most will tighten up what you have written.

A common problem with most new writers is they do not know when to stop a sentence. By the time they are done, you have lost track of what they started out to say in the first place. They are masters of the semi-colon. Everything is grammatically correct but very hard to read.

I have seen sentences that go on for a full paragraph that need to be chopped into ten different sentences. And, probably should be several paragraphs.

Steve from http://www.WriteABookNow.com, is generous with advice. He summed things up recently with this comment. “No sentence longer than 11 words, no paragraph longer than seven lines, write in the past tense always” Thanks, Steve. I always enjoy your newsletter.

If you get nothing else from this article, remember short sentences and lots of white space is good. It makes your writing easier to read and keeps the readers interest.

That is the most common service I do for writers. It does involve some re-writing but you are using their material.

Lastly, there are people who are “Book Doctors.” You might consider bringing one of these in after you are completely finished with your book.

(N.B. You might be surprised to hear that we never feel we are finished! As your book is going to press, you will find yourself saying, “Wait a minute. I just want to change one thing!)

I used a book doctor on my last book. What she did is read the whole book and gave her recommendations on where things should be shifted around in sequence.

For example, I put poems in my books. She took one poem from the middle and suggested I put it at the end. She eliminated a couple. She called my attention to areas of my story which she thought should be more fully explored and expanded. Everything she told me made perfect sense.

It is hard to critique your own work. It’s like trying to find a typo that someone else can spot in a second. Book doctors usually do not rewrite, They analyze your book and make suggestions. Good ones are relatively expensive. She was worth every penny. I sold the book!

I am looking forward to your doing the same! Let me know how you are doing on your book. The comment page is below!

More information on multiple streams of income - click here

http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/what-else-do-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up/

“As soon as I have time – or when I retire, I am going to write a book. I have an idea that I think is very interesting.” I always had the same answer for them. “Nobody has time. If you want to be a writer I have a one word for you. Write.” They always looked at me a little doubtfully and it occurred to me that people just don’t know where to start.

Starting is the hardest part. But, you have already started if you have an idea. Books are never written overnight. They develop as they go along. You could almost liken it to taking a whole steak and trying to swallow it. You have to cut it piece by piece to eat it. By the time you are finished, you have had dinner.

The other objection is that the starting has to be perfect. Every word, every punctuation mark. Most authors will tell you that you should not edit a book until it is finished. You are not going to be ready to show your new baby to the world until you give birth so the beginning is to write it for yourself.

Most books, except for novels have an introduction. So, the first step is to go to your computer and write what your book is about. Or, if you write like I do, I start with a yellow pad of paper.
The next part is why you are writing it. Who is it directed to? How will it benefit the reader? What will they find in the pages?

Here is an example from the introduction of my last book, Reflections from a Woman Alone.

This is about women. Single women who are also perhaps mothers, friends, credit card jugglers, car-poolers, entrepreneurs, lovers, workers, gardeners, even grandmothers. In short—a person trying to be everything to everybody and still have a life. I know there are some serenely, happily coupled women out there who do all the same things, and if you are one of them, I don’t want to exclude you. You never know when you might need a reference guide to what it’s really like out there as a single woman. And - male readers? Sure. Come along. It wouldn’t hurt for you to learn something about how women really think.

If you will notice it says right away what the book is about. And in general, who it is directed towards. Use this as a guide when you write your introduction. You may discard your first copy of your introduction later but this is not your final draft. This is to refine your purpose in writing your book. This is for you to get your head around what you will be writing. Remember, do not edit this. You do that later.

In general, if you are not writing an epic like War and Peace, a book will contain approximately 200 pages. Whether it is a novel or a memoir or a self-help book. A book longer than that is not as easily saleable. But, if you have a lot to say, this is only a suggestion. That usually breaks down to about 20 chapters with about ten pages in a chapter. That doesn’t sound so ominous, does it? I suggest you make a tentative list of what each chapter will contain. But this is not written in stone either. The introduction is your guide. Next, after that first strict rule about the introduction, you have a lot of leeway. The book does not have to follow a prescribed sequence while you are writing.

Take the movies, for example. I was surprised when I found out that they did not shoot a movie in order starting from the first scene and ending with the finale. They shoot almost anywhere in the script and are mostly governed by the location of the scene. It is cheaper to do it that way. You have the cameras right there. So, you could literally write the last chapter next. Then, skip to the middle. Remember you are the architect. At the end, you will go over the whole thing and put it in the sequence that makes sense just as if you were editing a movie.And you do not have to write a complete chapter at one time.

My experience is that the “muse” shows up at odd times. When you are taking a shower, waiting for a long red light to change or on hold for the telephone company. Or even if you wake at night. Just make sure that you always have a pad and pen handy so you can write down your thoughts. I guarantee if you wait until later, they will have disappeared.

Put all these pieces of paper with your latest brilliant thought in an expandable manila folder. You could label each one according to the chapter you think it might fit in later but it is an inexact science. Just write down the fragments.Write stories about what has happened today. Especially, if they are unusual or funny. They will plump out your book. Or even be a springboard for a whole chapter.

Writing a novel is not much different. Your “introduction” will be the story you are telling. Who are the characters? What do they look like? What is the start of the book and how do they end up? What happens to them along the way? It is more of an outline. A rough sketch. A storyboard.

Writing a whole book can feel overwhelming. That’s why you are saying it takes time. We all have little pieces of time that we waste every day. Use them. You are a writer. You told me that. Write. A quote attributed to Goethe says it all –

What you can do, or dream you can do, begin it;
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Click here for part two - http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/writing-your-book-part-two

to drag me down

in your whirlpool,

a hammerlock

around my neck,

to drown with you,

I would stand back.

But all you asked

is hold my hand -

so I run to sit beside you,

waving wildly

all the way

to keep the vultures flying.

I’ll scare your ghosts,

mourn with you,

be your friend.

I’ll keep your body

warm with mine.

I’ll cry with you

until the end.

Michelle Vandepas who is one of the authors of Divine Purpose Unleashed has a new little video that really cut right to the heart of this.

It made an impact on me - and reminded me that I am goofing off on many things I want to do in my life.

She has graciously allowed me to put it on my blog. It is only a few minutes but maybe it will give you a headstart too! Let me know what you think!

After all those years, she knows the complete cast of characters in my life.

Last week, I was ducking her vacuum cleaner when she asked, “How is Arlene?”

My friend Arlene has been very ill. But it is difficult to help her in many ways because she is so fiercely independent.

“Let me write those checks for you.”

“I’ll make that call for you.”

”I’ll warm up some soup for you.”

The answer was always –

“I can do it.” Or, “I’ll get to it.”

Well, she wasn’t getting to it and it was apparent that she needed some full time help around to assist her. She was very weak. She wasn’t eating. Not taking her medication on time. But, she resisted.

Christina said her niece, Cathie, who is a night student in a university, was looking for a job during the day. The school was very close to Arlene’s home.

And then – the lightening bolt – Cathie had done an internship as part of her education in Hospice for a year!

Excuses from Arlene – but after some convincing from me (and her niece Janis) she agreed to see Cathie for a half hour.

It was a connection at first sight. Cathie is there helping her every day now.  This beautiful young woman took charge.

She called me to say, “My aunt told me Arlene was a lovely person but I love her!”

As usual, Arlene has made a “New Best Friend.” No one is surprised. That’s what she does. There is an indefinable magic about Arlene.

The moral to the story. Answers to prayers and angels do not always come from the direction you expect.

The angel could be you. It could be your cleaning woman.

We have to pay attention.

Check back and take a look at the original article I wrote about Arlene. The comments from far and wide are worth the visit. Just click here.

Making New Best Friends - A Tutorial From Arlene

James Twyman is the force behind The Moses Code – the Movie. I met James when his book, Emissary of Light, came out. The movie is based on his book, The Moses Code which has just been published.

His first book was a recounting of his journey as a peace troubadour and his visit to Bosnia to do a peace concert in the middle of the war.

He is a talented musician and singer. He told me that when he was young he was torn between “being a rock star and a priest.” He did go into the seminary for a while. And he has become a rock star in the peace movement all over the world.

I did two half hour TV shows with him and he had even our hard boiled camera crew in tears when he sang his version of the Prayer of St. Francis. I think the prayer should be repeated here, in part, because even reading it touches our hearts.

When my mother died, I did her eulogy and read the prayer because it was her favorite.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

In a way, the movie is about that prayer – and has a remarkable similarity to A Course in Miracles which is based on love and forgiveness of everyone. I was not surprised at this because James has studied the Course for years.

There is a part in the movie, which includes many of our favorite self-help authors, where Neale Donald Walsch talks with his usual eloquence about how we are One with everything. He said he went around one day looking at the grass, the people, and children playing and kept repeating the statement, “I am that.”

The movie mixes in some of the principles of The Law of Attraction - except that you conceive in your mind or even on paper what you want and profess “I am that.”

I think if I were to sum up The Moses Code – The Movie, I would say much of it is the foundation of all religions and spiritual thought.

Here you can look at a trailer of the movie to get an idea of it.

There is nothing new here but it is an important piece a work, beautifully filmed, to remind all of us what we already know. It is worth seeing for that purpose all by itself.