IS IT TIME FOR YOU TO TRY THE INTERNET DATING SERVICES?

It is getting harder and harder to meet anyone except on the Internet.  I know some dating gurus suggest joining clubs, political groups, and your church – even trolling supermarkets.  All good suggestions.

The older ways of meeting someone in a bar or a club is out of fashion these days.  Many of us do not frequent those establishments. And anyone there might not fit our goal of a long term romantic partner.

There is the other argument I hear.  If your soul mate is supposed to show up, he or she will find you.   I’m not disputing that either.  But I am also a firm believer that the good Lord helps those who help themselves.  I don’t think UPS will deliver that person to your front door and even if they do, you might not be home to sign for them.

RULE ONE:

You have to put your picture in the ad.  I know, you want to remain anonymous but you will get no answers if you don’t display your picture.

Look at it this way.  No one is going to pay to be on the dating site if they are not looking.  If you don’t know how to scan and upload a picture, ask one of your techie friends to do it for you.

Put on a recent, nice, smiley picture with no one else in it.  No, not even your dog.  You can mention you love dogs in your description. And nothing sexy.  You’ll send the wrong message to some nut out there.

RULE TWO:

People will search the site by age group.  Like 30 to 40.  40 to 50 and so on.  If your age falls over by a year or two, LIE.  Get in the lower group because they are all lying – by at least five years. You can plead insanity and tell the truth later.  Remember to write down the year you put in the ad because you will forget.

RULE THREE:

Describe yourself as briefly as possible.  What you want to do is stress what you are looking for in a relationship. Tell the truth here.

I can’t tell you how many personal ads I have written for friends – and myself.  It has been interesting to see the results.  And I have a few success stories.  Two engagements, one marriage (Okay, they divorced – but it still counts)

Here’s an ad I wrote for a friend as an example.  Steal part of it or the format if you like it but make it your own.

Pretty, petite, blue-eyed blond, DWF,  funny, nice, adventurous and can be sophisticated if required.  My friends tell me I am good company.

I am seeking one 40ish-50ish man who is healthy, unattached and available.  He is probably more spiritual than religious.  At home, he wants a comfortable environment and values mutual support.

It would be nice if he is gregarious but also craves quiet time and shares some of my likes:  Books, interesting cities, nice restaurants, a country place, laughing, opera, cooking, bargain hunting, oceans and  mountains –  just hanging out with friends and family and easy conversation.

Sounds like a nice person?  She is and she got and still gets lots of inquires.

Notice I did not mention the words that have become a cliché –

PLEASE OMIT –

Like ethnic restaurants, flea markets, long walks (worse if you add in the rain) snuggling by a fireplace, comfortable in jeans or a formal, etc. etc. etc. These are in almost every ad.

You might also avoid people who answer you and say that they like these things.  Sounds like a broke, couch potato to me.  Probably none of them have a fireplace or worn formal dress since their sister got married ten years ago.

There are mixed views on revealing things that make you sound too important.  People say that if you are a doctor, professional or have advanced degrees, it will put people off.

I remember Maureen Dowd’s quote when she won the Pulitzer.  She said, “I’ll never get a date again!”

My feeling is if they can’t take it, tough.

You decide.  Maybe the information should be reserved until you actually have a telephone conversation or later if it turns into an actual date.

HAVE YOU BEEN TEMPTED TO TAKE THE PLUNGE?

OK  LET’S GO.

You have posted your profile and picture on the dating website.  Probably you have chosen one of the big sites like Match.com, Yahoo Personals or JDate.com if your preference is for a Jewish match.   The small sites are nice and sometimes more targeted but you will get answers from all over the country and not from where you are.

SOME ADVICE FROM ME AND MY MANY FRIENDS WHO HAVE REPORTED THEIR EXPERIENCE.

First – You do not have to answer everyone who contacts you.  If you have no interest, just ignore the contact, or on most sites, you can block the person from contacting you again if they get persistent.  Remember, they have no idea who you are so don’t worry. Every contact is just through the site you are using so they don’t have your private email address.

Second – If the person looks like a possibility, you might want to write them a short cordial note and ask them for more information if their profile does not include things you’d like to know about.  Be nice.  Remember?  You said you were nice.

Be friendly and answer their questions if not too personal but do not give them your whole name, your contact information or your private email address.

This advice is not to alarm you, but remember you are going out into cyberspace to thousands of people.  Most of them are sincere in meeting a nice person but there are bound to be some characters out there.

Okay.  You found someone you might want to know.  After a few emails back and forth on the site, you might want to talk on the telephone.  Ask for their telephone number and a good time for you to call.

If you call them on your land line, find out how to block your number from their caller ID.  It’s usually something like putting in *67 before you dial.  Call your telephone server to advise you what the code is in your area.  You might have the same function on your cell phone. Check it.

In the meantime, do a search on the site and see if there is anyone else who interests you.  Send them a note.  On some sites, they have a feature call “wink.”   That will bring the person’s attention to your profile.  Don’t be shy.  This is supposed to be fun.

The site will also tell you when the person was last on line.  If it is a long time ago, unless they look fantastic, skip it.  They probably have met someone.  The best ones to contact are on often and recently.  They are active lookers.

Third – FIRST DATE!  Please don’t make it for dinner.  It could be an interminable two hours and you can’t get away.  Make it for coffee or a drink and meet the person in a public place.  Drive your own car.  Make sure you tell them you have an appointment right afterwards.  If turns out to be the person of your dreams – you’ll just “cancel the appointment.”

Don’t think you have to limit yourself to one person.  Pretend you are in high school.  Unless you were going steady, you dated different people.  Go and meet others.  This is an experiment so have a good time with it.  I can remember having a date a couple of times a week when I was really into this.  Make notes after the date so you don’t get them mixed up.  Remember the person you met is probably doing the same thing.  Everybody is shopping around.

One question I get asked a lot – who pays?  My rule is the person who asks for the date.  Later, if you get close, you can negotiate and share things if they are expensive. I like to cook, so if someone I was seeing always paid for dinner, I would reciprocate by preparing a meal at my house for us if I was really interested.

But if on the first date they ask to split the check, scratch that one.  It is rude. Especially, if it is just for coffee or a drink.  A cheapskate you don’t need.

I know you will meet some nice people – even if they turn out to just be friends.

And I wish you luck with doing better than that – meeting your soul mate.

If you get discouraged along the way, remember the song from Cabaret – you can hum it along with me.

What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret!

THE MODERN CABARET IS THE INTERNET.

WHEN WILL YOU GIVE IT A TRY?

If you have already tried it, please add your tips in the comments.  All are welcome.  We need your feedback.

A WOMAN WITHOUT A MAN

Click here to BUY IT NOW AT AMAZON

On sale!

See interview with Corinne here

A Woman Without A Man -  Forward by James Kavanaugh

Picture by Boston Bill

INTRODUCTION

This book seems to be about a middle-aged widow making the adjustment to single life.  But it isn’t.  Not really.

Although it opens just after my husband’s death, it is not about grieving.  He had been ill for many years and had suffered so much, my grief was almost all used up by the time he left. Although I missed him and was lonely and disoriented, it was a relief to let him go to a place where there was no more pain.

This is about women. Single women who are also perhaps mothers, friends, credit card jugglers, carpoolers, entrepreneurs, lovers, workers, gardeners, even grandmothers.

In short, women who are trying to be everything to everybody and still have a life.

I know there are some serenely, happily coupled women out there who do all of the above and do it well. If you are one of them, I don’t want to exclude you. You never know when you might need a reference guide to what it’s really like out there as a single woman. And male readers? Sure. Come along. It wouldn’t hurt for you to learn something about how women really think.

But this for those of us who talk self-sufficiency but are furtively casting about for that guy who will defend the entrance to our cave. With all of our bravado, we are still whistling in the dark to keep ourselves safe.

And no matter how successful we are, how many clothes we collect, how many pedicures we pay for, how many trips we take, how interesting our jobs, we cringe when we hear the question

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Our secret is that we feel deficient without a man.We are apologetic to our families for being single.We give reasons and excuses to our friends (there’s NOBODY out there). We put pieces of our lives on hold until “he” comes along.

I wasn’t aware of how prevalent this kind of thinking is until my husband died. I had been married for quite a while.

This book did not start out as a collection of letters and poetry. I wrote the prologue poem, “You only get a minute./The stone has not been set/before you hear the question/‘Are you seeing someone yet?’” just for fun.

I could not believe that people were asking me a question like that almost immediately after my husband’s death. It made me frantic. Panicky! Desperate. I had to replace this man. Plug up the hole. And I mean NOW. Don’t think I am exaggerating when you read that on one sleepless night, at 3 AM., I was counting how many men I knew whose wives were sick and were likely to die soon.Who could admit to such a shameless thing?  But you see, I didn’t know you were going to be reading this. I was writing for me. Kind of an exorcism. Poetry is the way I get my feelings out.

The poems grew and grew. One day I shared them with my friend Arlene. She said, “Make a book. The poems tell the inside story. Tell what is happening on the outside in your everyday life.” She suggested that I share my journey in letters because everyone is an eavesdropper at heart.

And there is something exciting about receiving letters. E-mail and the telephone just aren’t the same.

So Arlene is to blame for this whole thing.

Will this book change your life? Are there big answers for you here?  Probably not. If you are looking for a how-to book or life-changing strategies, you won’t find them here. I promise you if I discover something pivotal, I’ll let you know.

This book is one woman’s story—my story— entwined with family, friends, lovers, and assorted dropins. A voyage from numbness to rebirth and from confusion to some clarity—with a lot of detours. Addresses and some names have been changed and events have been altered to protect privacy. But what I found, and what you might find here, is the awareness that women, no matter what age, situation, or color, are more alike than different.

There is some comfort in that.

The inspirational books we read make a thunderous announcement: No thing and no one outside us can save us. Not even a soul mate. Serenity and peace cannot be found except in our own hearts. That realization is our ultimate target. But most of us are not there yet.

Glimpses—even epiphanies—come and then seem to vanish on this roller-coaster ride we signed up for. However, in between the hairpin turns and the high skydives, it’s helpful to know where we are going.

If there is one message in this book, it is this: The most powerful instrument women have is our intuitive talent for nurturing, whether in our homes or our businesses.

We must broaden our vistas to include more women. We need to help each other more. This is not a rally to exclude men. Bless them.We need them. But we could steal a page or two from their good ol’ boy network manual.

Our experience can support a new mother who is determined to nurse a baby successfully. Our wisdom can mentor a woman who is challenged with a personal or career decision.  A favor done at just the right time can make all the difference. In many instances, being present and listening are enough.

The best thing about talking to girlfriends is that we permit each other’s difficulties to remain unresolved.

Even if we say, “Why don’t you quit that job?” or, “Get rid of that jerk,” we allow each other the option of taking no action on a problem. Ultimately we know what to do. We appreciate direction but don’t need advice. We just need someone to hear us out.

So now, after saying that, I am going to give you some advice. No matter what your situation this minute,  you can survive whatever heartbreak and loneliness you are feeling today. What they say about time healing wounds is true.

But how much time you need is up to you and not some psychological calendar. It takes as long as it takes.

I can’t tell you at which point I started turning into myself, but it did and still is happening. It can’t be hurried. Don’t let anyone tell you when.

And if there is a right person—a soul mate—I believe he will show up at the perfect time, which is somehow not determined by us.

We just have to follow our intuition and be alert to what is around the next bend on the roller coaster.

Neale Donald Walsch, in his beautiful book , Conversations with God, recounts that the most important question we can ask in any situation is “What would love do now?” I have those words taped on my computer screen. That guidance holds up under most circumstances.

Remember to include your own happiness and welfare when you answer that question.

Some famous authors were kind enough to give me endorsements for my book. I am grateful. But comments from women, ordinary people like you and me, are also encouraging. Linda, who is thirty-eight, said, “It’s all here. I laughed. I cried.” Dawn, twenty-nine, wrote, “I could not put this book down.” And Susan, forty-eight, called to say, “I thought you had been reading my mail!” Different ages. Different situations.  We are all writing the same story.

Thanks for listening to my story. You may find some of your mail here. I hope it will make you know you are not alone.

My mother’s favorite expression was “In the light of all Eternity, most things don’t matter.” She was probably right but the events in our lives sure feel important today.

Even if things don’t really matter, go for the gold anyway!

Every way you can. And every day.

You are a beautiful, extraordinary woman—with or without a man. And you have a unique contribution to make to yourself and to your world.

Click here to BUY IT NOW AT AMAZON

(200 pages to go!)

On sale!

See interview with Corinne here

A Woman Without A Man -  Forward by James Kavanaugh

Picture by Mandie

It is still all about The Secret. Yep, it has not faded.

I still hear people talking about setting an event in their minds.  Concentrating on it with all their might.

Then seeing themselves with their heart’s desire.

THEN WAITING FOR IT TO HAPPEN.

When I ask what they have done to make it happen, I get a blank stare.

Guess I am not spiritual enough.  I must not be doing it right.

IT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME.

My awareness of spirituality began when I was ten years old and from a devout Catholic family.  I began to seriously doubt what they were teaching me in school.

OF COURSE I NEVER TOLD THE NUNS OR ANYONE ELSE BUT I HAD ALREADY COME TO THE FOLLOWING CONCLUSIONS AS A YOUNG HERETIC.

1.  God was not an old man with a beard who was keeping records on me.  There was some force out there but I did not know what to call it.

2.  Jesus was no more God than I was.  He was probably just in a higher grade. Maybe High School

3.  God would not send you to hell if you ate meat on Friday or missed Mass.

4.  No loving God would doom innocent babies who were not baptized to Limbo.

5.  Nothing bad would happen to me if I went into a Protestant church.

6.  I had this funny feeling I had lived in this world before.  That there was something inside me that had nothing to do with the body I was in right now.

Catholics laugh and call people like this a “Delicatessen Catholic” in these days.  You are tolerated if you just take a little of this and a little of that and believe what you want.  Not then.

I am not knocking these great spiritual and self-help books.  They are inspiring to many people.  Keep reading them if they help you.

But, what I learned early was this.  If you really, really want something, it is not going to happen if you don’t do something to get it.  You can’t just put it out to the Universe because this does not work.

For example, what my brother Henry (7) and I (8) really, really wanted was to go to the Rialto movie theatre on Flatbush Avenue on Saturdays.  It cost seven cents each.

We spent the entire week looking through people’s garbage for bottles.  You got two cents return for each bottle.

We went to the movies every week.

When I was twenty six I had two children and was pregnant.  The gas company came and turned off my heat for nonpayment despite my pleas that one of my children was ill.

I really, really decided that was never, never going to happen to me again.  I got a job as a real estate salesman and I was successful because I really, really wanted to be able to pay my bills.

I was able to buy an even nicer home but I never paid the gas company until they actually came to my house to turn off the heat.  There was a rule that they had to ring the doorbell and inform you your gas was being turned off.  The check was waiting but they had to come and get it.  I would never mail it.

An big inconvenience for them, but -

I really, really got even.

I have to admit that esoteric spiritual books did one important thing for me.  Many confirmed everything I already knew at ten.  It is a comfort to know you are right in some quarters.

The key to The Secret is if you want something you have to want it bad.  Really want it.  Then, you have follow your intuition and go out and get it.  You can’t just envision it in your mind.

The missing ingredient for most followers is taking action.  Listening to your intuition and then watching for your spot and going for it with all your heart.  With all your wanting.

But, I am really, really hoping to get spiritual someday soon.

Maybe I’ll even learn to do The Secret right.

How’s it working for you?

Picture by MISHA DEHAVEN

Well, we saw it coming.  Changes to our favorite hippy tech expert  on the Internet. Yaro Starak.  He is tipping his toe into personal growth.

First, his post a few years ago – a hint.  It was called The Key to Happiness. But just a glimmer.

Then other little things.  The new house, car, the trip around the world , THE SURPRISE HAIRCUT.  He is changing.

Please enjoy his latest post -

LOVE, CHANGE AND THE REASON FOR YOUR EXISTENCE.

Yaro was inspired by Neale Donald Walsh and his book, Conversations with God.

IS YARO BECOMING A PERSONAL GROWTH BLOGGER IN ADDITION TO ALL HIS OTHER VENTURES?

Hope  so. We need some help.  And every good thought can contribute to the planet.

I admire what he is doing. Because Yaro has such a huge readership, he  could help in changing the world.  People are listening.

I know Neale Donald Walsch.  Interviewed him on TV on several of the Conversations with God book series.

The first question I asked him –

“There are thousands of priest, ministers, rabbis, monks and nuns would die for a Conversation with God.

WHY YOU?  An out of work derelict?”

He answered.

“GOD IS TALKING TO ALL OF US ALL THE TIME.  NOBODY LISTENS.”

Yaro was probably been listening from the very beginning.

But this is the first time he has put a LABEL on it.

He published BLOG PROFITS BLUEPRINT.   An encyclopedia of knowledge.  For free.  It was my Bible.  I devoured every page before I started blogging.

It inspired me to sign up for the BLOG MASTERMIND course. (You can get the “Blog Profits Blueprint” free by clicking there)

Best money I ever spent.  And the best advice.  Among other things,  Yaro said if you are a writer, write.  Don’t try to be a tech.  Hire it out.  It is cheap enough.

I did and still do.

There are scores of courses being offered on how to get a guest post on a big bloggers page.  How to make friends by intelligent comments etc. etc. Blah Blah Blah

I sent him a guest post when I was blogging two weeks.  What did I know?  I had no idea of the rules.

HE POSTED IT.  It gave me a flying start.

Yaro claims he learned a lot from Neale’s books.  He learned about LOVE.

I think it reminded him of what he already knew.  Give it away.  It will come back to you.  That was his secret before The Secret.

One thing worries me about his new series.  A little warning.

PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF GOD.

The Orthodox Jews don’t even spell  his name.  The write it G-D.

People feel if they don’t acknowledge that Infinite Intelligence, IT won’t remember they are around and will forget to punish them for all their sins.

A man approached me on Michigan Avenue.  I was on TV every weekday interviewing personal growth authors.  They always get around to mentioning that GOD word sometime in the interview.

He said, “Your show is great.  I would watch it every day if they stopped talking about God.”

My advice, Yaro -

Give Him or Her a different name.  Call the force Infinite Intelligence, All That Is. A Higher Power. The Force  – anything but that word.

When I was facilitating A Course in Miracles at Cook County Jail, an inmate who was in for some terrible crime told me.

“God is mad at me.  I cannot approach Him.  Now I ask the ceiling in the jail for help.  And the ceiling helps me.”

Try not to turn them off.

Neale won’t care. (No, you cannot change the name of his books)  He just wants his message out.  However you do it.

I want to close with one of my favorite quotes from Neale.   I have had it taped on my computer for years. It sums up all of his books in one sentence.

WHAT WOULD LOVE DO NOW?

Hey, you big bloggers out there. Throw a little personal growth into your mix.

We all need some inspiration out here.

Will you?

Yaro’s blog is Entrepreneurs-Journey

Earlier posts of mine  you might enjoy:

When Everything Changes – Change Everything - Review of Neale’s new book

Are We Spiritual Yet?

Picture by cbriddell

(before the haircut)

The world is full of complainers and sometimes the only thing we want to do is ignore them.

But there is a flip side of the subject and that is handling complaints.

These are the people who have become difficult because they think they have been wronged in some way.  These people are our obligation because we represent the source of their problem.

When I was a kid just out of college, I was hired by the New York Telephone Company to be a commercial representative.  This was a coveted job.  It took a gazillion interviews before you were chosen.

Before allowing you to speak to one of their customers, there was a rigorous training for three months.  A full month was devoted to answering complaints.

We were taught to immediately express extreme sorrow for the inconvenience –

To infer that of course we must be wrong.  And it had to sound sincere.  They had a term for this sincerity in our voice called “tone” which was graded mercilessly.  It was the exact opposite of “push one for billing – push two for technical assistance etc. etc.etc.” that we hear today.

I am soooo sorry about that.  Please tell me what happened. Or, there was a mistake on your bill?  Let me help you correct our records.

Another principle is we were absolutely forbidden to say these two words.

They were, “Yes, but –“

They even had tone contests in the role playing exercises.  I won once and all I could think is I must be the biggest phony in the class.  For years afterwards in expressing sorrow to a friend, I questioned whether I sounded sincere.  How was my tone?

Then, we were to hear the customer out fully.  Do not interrupt

Let them rant and rave until they were done.  This was based on the premise that half the job was solved when they felt they were fully heard.  Only murmurs of sorrow about the problem were to be interjected here and there.

It went on from there.  Would they please, please put this terrible travesty in writing so the proper channels could be contacted?  We want to help and we need all the ammunition they can give us.

This also seemed to dispel some of the complaint.  Most of them would do this if convinced it would help.

By the time the conversation was over, these people were in love with us.  Finally, someone understood.  Someone cared.

They did not always get what they wanted, by the way, but a lot of anger was dissipated along the way.

This technique works.  It was the best training I ever got and I taught it in all my sales courses and my students came back and reported that it worked for them too.

An aside –

After the three months of training, we were finally ready to take our “first call.”

Nobody slept that night.  It was a huge deal.  A supervisor was plugged into the side of your desk so she could monitor it.  Every one of us was shaking.

My first call was written up in all the house magazines which went to employees of the New York Telephone Company.

It was from Macy’s.

It was Christmas and they were bringing Santa Claus into the store on an elephant.

The elephant was trapped by a row of telephone booths and could not get through.  He was standing on his hind legs and snorting and Santa Claus was crying.  They needed a crew to move the booths. NOW.

I started to say, “Oh, I am so sorry that –“ when my supervisor grabbed the call away from me.

It was one time when just being sorry – even with the best “tone” could not solve the complaint.

Some complaints can only be solved by ACTION.

How do you handle complaints?

This is a except from my book Sales, Lies and Naked Truths.  Click for more information here

My new book is A Woman Without A Man – just out.  Click for more information here.

Picture by Robin Thom

I was deeply touched by this book.  It brought me to smiles and it brought me to tears.  Most of all, it brought me to the truth of how real people live real life.  I cannot remember being so moved.  This book is a wonderful gift and your life will be enriched by reading it.  If peering into the soul of another is a conversation with God – and it is – that is what you are about to have here.  You will not soon forget what has been revealed to you.

Neale Donald Walsch

Author, Conversations with God series

FORWARD

James Kavanaugh Ph.D

Henry Miller would have liked Corinne Edwards.  Not only because she is a beautiful and sensuous woman, but because she writes about what she knows best – the people, experiences and the events in her life.

“All the rest,” says Miller, “is literature and who the hell needs literature?”

A Woman Without A Man thrills and startles with its unvarnished  h-o-n-e-s-t-y, its sensitive mingling of profound pain and poignancy with laughter and love -  a gentle autobiography.  It feels like a conversation, over coffee, sitting at her kitchen table.

You discover who Corinne  is, but more than that, unwittingly gain a new and fascinating insight into the passion, love, fear and dreams of women everywhere. . . if they had the guts to reveal themselves.

It is a tender tale, marking the journey of a woman’s search for wholeness – with or without a man.  Her husband has died prematurely but she does not glamorize her relationship with him.  He was a controlling conservative, bonded to a creative redhead who had entered a world of new feminine freedoms – without the anger of a Germaine Greer and her cats.

The reader feels like a privileged eavesdropper as her story unfolds through letters and poetry.  Her poetry is always good, often humorous, and sometimes utterly brilliant.  It is placed in all the right spots to give passion and balance to prose insights.

The letters she writes to her three highly gifted sons should be required reading for maturing mothers who so often get lost in their own fight-flight life of trivia.  So very many of our mothers abandoned us, not at birth, but in the throes of pettiness and immaturity.  They feared to pay the price that creates a wise woman.  We are dragged into their weary memories of cookies and eternal childhood.  They are aware of whom we once were, but without ever knowing who and what we had become.

A Woman Without A Man leaps beyond the parameters of the title, although it covers well that most significant thesis.  Ms. Edwards is ultra feminine without a hint of man bashing – neither the glib guru nor clinging to an eternal sexual image.  She loves boldly without infesting her man-woman relationships with self-pity, cynicism or despair.  She can lose a man she loves without damning him or trampling on herself.

And she does not deny the years which have made her beautiful.

Most of all, in her insightful and often fragile letters to her sister, June, she touches the very depths of a deep and totally honest relationship with another woman.  She laughs, nurtures, reveals, strips away the banalities and dares to admit her deepest fears, risks and seeming failures.  It gave me a whole new insight into the beauty, heart and soul of a mature and gifted woman in a society flooded with female clothing styles, sexual manipulations and the superficial, meaningless drama in our press and our TV shows.

I fantasized a dialogue between Corinne and Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Rachel Carson, Margaret Sanger, Dorothy Parker, Eleanor Roosevelt, Katherine Hepburn and Helen Hayes.  Rachel Maddow and Ann Coulter probably wouldn’t come, but should.

Corinne Edwards is in that class of disappearing women with talent and humanness.  They have been replaced by the scandal sheets.

Being A Woman Without A Man is a challenging transition – and Corinne Edwards, in a kaleidoscope of poetry, letters and prose insights really helps.

Even men like me.

James Kavanaugh           Author, Poet, Novelist

Click here to BUY IT NOW AT AMAZON

On sale!

See interview with Corinne here

In every life we have some trouble,
when you worry you make it double
don’t worry, be happy!
Bob Marley

It’s a nice summer day and you are walking along the street feeling contented with your life.  Things are going well. You feel happy.

What we do is ruin the moment with a thought like, “How can I be happy when there are so many who are hungry and with wars going on in the world?”  What about the Gulf oil leak?  The unemployment figures?

We sabotage our happiness by destroying it ourselves.

Unless you are on the Armed Services Committee or a person who is in a power position, there is really nothing you can do about the war or the oil leak, job losses, the environment in this exact moment.  You deserve this nice day and the feeling of contentment.  Allow it.

Of course you can help – by being active in a political party, by donating money to a cause, by voting with your heart – or joining a spiritual group which is dedicated to world peace.

But you can’t do it this instant as you are walking down the street and you have ruined your good day by canceling out your good feelings.  It is hurting you and not helping anyone else.  We are all connected at a Universal level and you are making things worse by not enjoying yourself.

You are sending more negative energy out into the world when we need all the posititivity we can get.  Good feelings and thoughts, it is said, are a form of prayer.

We deprive ourselves in even more simple ways.  For example, there are two ways for me to get to a friend’s home about five miles away.

One way, which is the quickest, is on a main, busy street.  The other is along Sheridan Road, a beautiful winding road along Lake Michigan.  There are lovely homes with beautiful gardens on either side of the road.   It is a peaceful drive in all seasons of the year but it takes about 15 minutes longer to go that way.

I was depriving myself of the pleasure of the ride for 15 minutes!  Even when I was not pressed for time.  Take Sheridan Road whenever you can because you are worth it.

There are so many little ways we do not care for ourselves.

We walk into a supermarket and they have a sale on flowers.  Two bunches for nine dollars.  We hesitate.  Those flowers on our table for a full week gives us pleasure.

Buy the damn flowers.  You would probably buy them for a friend.  Be your own friend.  You are worth nine dollars.

My friend Ruthie told me a story about her 90 year old mother.  She had given her a beautiful cashmere sweater but when she stopped in to see her on a cold day, she was wearing an old  sweater which had holes in the arms.  She was saving the cashmere sweater “for good.”

Ruthie found the new sweater and insisted that her mother put it on.  She said, “Mom, this is as good as it gets.  Wear the sweater.”

What are you saving for good?

At some level, we don’t feel we deserve nice things unless someone else can see it.  We are not good enough to enjoy what we have for our own pleasure.

Let’s talk about our pajamas and nightgowns.  We have several new ones in our dresser drawer we have received as gifts.  Why do we wear the old tattered ones?  Because we feel we are the only ones who see us at night?  Throw them out.  Or use them as cleaning cloths.   They are not even good enough to give to Good Will.

It is time for us to be kind to ourselves.  Not by going to Tiffany’s and buying a diamond ring.  In the small ways that add up to a little comfort and luxury in our otherwise hectic and busy lives.

The late Erma Bombeck wrote a poem that is much quoted and is often sent over the Internet.  She called it, If I Had My Life To Live Over. I never tire of reading it.  A few lines always jump out at me –

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

There would have been more “I love you’s.”  More “I’m sorry’s.”  But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute … look at it and really see it … live it … and never give it back.

When happiness comes – “Live it – and never give it back!”

Worry when you absolutely have to. But not too much.

Can you do that?

Picture by Don Iannone

How do you start dating when you are now a widow?

I have an article on this site called When Your Husband Has died – a survival guide. It now has more than 800 comments from widows helping, advising and supporting each other on it.  I call it my accidental widow forum.  I also think it is a miracle.  I had no idea there was such a need for it that was not being filled.  It has been going for almost three years.

I read all the comments but rarely answer  because it now belongs to them.

Most of the widows are in such a state of deep grief that every artery is open.  The thought of dating is foreign to them.  They are just trying to get through the day.

But I have noticed lately that some of the early ones who have been alone for a couple of years are tentatively asking about dating.  Asking for advice and they are scared to death.

I am writing this especially for them.  Please note, my dear ones, I am not suggesting you start dating if you are not interested or ready.  This is for the ones who have asked for information.

The rest of you can eavesdrop if you like.   If you are recently single, you might learn something here.

It is scary putting yourself out there.  What is no one answers?  You worry that you are not gorgeous and visualize yourself as not good enough that anyone would be interested in you.  Maybe it is better to just accept your fate and not take a chance of being rejected even if you are lonely and wanting some company with a nice man.

It could be an opportunity for you to do a little makeover on yourself.  You’ve been through a rough time.  Is it time to spruce up your wardrobe with a few pretty casual outfits?  Maybe a new hair style and a session with a make up artist at your local department store?  If nothing else, it could cheer you up. You have forgotten how attractive you are, inside and out.

Let’s look together at a few things.

You are not being unfaithful to your late husband.  You have told us what a wonderful person he was.  Would he resent your having a companion now that he is gone?  He would want you to have some happiness.  Get that out of the way

The people out there who might answer your ad are not all George Clooney.  Time has scribbled unkindly on many of the faces.  Some are overweight, bespeckled, have some health problems, and are not all rich guys looking for a Playboy bunny.   They are as scared and lonely as you are.

Let’s not jump into the deep end of the pool yet.

I’d like you to sit down first and list all your good points and likes and dislikes.  Do you have a good sense of humor?  Do you like music?  What kind?  Are you into politics?  Do you like to travel?  Where?  What are you longing to see in the world? Are you a good cook?  Do you like certain types of foods?  Do you consider yourself attractive?  Have a close friend help you with this.  It is sometimes hard to evaluate ourselves.

This could be a good exercise for you whether you are thinking of dating or not.  You have thought of yourself as a twosome for so long that you have forgotten you have an identity of your own.  Think now in terms of “I” or “me” – not we.  No rush.  Take your time.

Now, let’s describe the kind of man you might enjoy spending some time with.  What is important to you?  Not necessarily looks, although that could be an item.  If you are tall, you might want a tall man.  If you are religious, you might want someone of your own religion.  General characteristics.  Probably some of the ones your late husband had that you especially liked.  What about ethnicity?  Race?  Age?  Be honest.  No one is going to see this list but you.

You might want to state your preference for a widower.  Some divorced men are very bitter (and broke) and will bore you to tears telling you about their ex.

The reason I am suggesting these practice sessions is that you will have to answer two very important questions if you should decide to go ahead and start looking around at personal Internet sites.

The first is “Tell us about yourself.”

The second is “How would you describe the person you are seeking?”

Are you still with me?

The next question which will be asked is your age.  My experience is that everyone is lying – some a little.  Some a lot.  Most by about five years.

One of my friends summed it up this way.  “Since everyone is lying about five years, if you tell the truth they will add five years.”

People search on the sites in segments.  Like 30 to 40, 40 to 50, 50 to 60 etc.  So if you are 41, make yourself 39 so you fit in the lower category. You can fess up later.

You will need a picture.  No one will answer if you don’t post it.  Make it a fairly recent one.  One where you look friendly.  It does not have to be a glamour shot.

I can feel you backing up.  Now other people will know, right?

No.  No one is going to pay $30.00 a month for a minimum of three months to snoop on you.  The people on these sites are looking or they would not be there.

Which brings up another point.

DON’T TELL ANYONE EXCEPT MAYBE YOUR BEST FRIEND YOU ARE DOING THIS. Everyone else will have something to say about it.  This is your experiment.

(You can share on the widow’s forum If you like.  You are only listed with your first name.  No email is ever shown– no location. The other widows are from all over the world.  You are anonymous)

Now to choose which site to join.  Match.com is the biggest – all ages.  Or J-Date if you are Jewish.  My impression that E-Harmony is good if you are in your 30’s.  Otherwise, pick a big site.  You will have more selection.

The next question that comes up is “How do I check these people out?”  Hard to do at first but there are safety measures you can take.

Don’t give out your telephone number.  Ask for the man’s number.  You do the calling and ask your telephone company how to block your number so it does not show up on caller ID.  Have several conversations before you decide to meet.

Arrange to meet in a public place like a library or a coffee shop.

Drive your own car.  When you leave, check to see if you are being followed.  If so, head to the police station or flag down a cop.

Don’t tie yourself up time wise by arranging to have dinner.  Or, maybe even lunch.  You might decide right away this person is not for you and then you are stuck for possibly hours.  Meeting for the first time should be short, like a cup of coffee.  You will know.

Keep up these precautions until you feel comfortable that he is just a nice man looking for companionship like you.  Any decent guy will understand.

Tell your best friend where you are going and when and the man’s telephone number.

Don’t give out much personal information.  You ask the questions.  Most people love to talk about themselves so they will be happy to have the opportunity.

There are a few ways you can check on someone.  If he has a business card, call the number and ask the operator his exact title because your boss wants to write to him and you want it get it right.

If he is never available on a weekend, he either married or has a steady girlfriend.  Skip that one.

Stay away from the ones who say they are “separated.”  It’s usually a mess.  Tell them to get back to you when they are free if they appeal to you.

If he happens to have a land line, go to 411.com and look for reverse search.  Cell phones are harder to check.

And don’t forget running his name on Google.  Big Brother has information on all of us.  You might be surprised how much you can find out about everyone.

I am not telling you these things to scare you.  99% – the great majority of men are exactly who they say they are.

The only unpleasant experience I ever had was with a charming man who seemed unable to speak about his late wife, even after a second date..  I figured he was in too much grief.

When I pressed him, turned out he was married.  When I protested, he said, “But my wife will love you.”  I just left.  Please.  Threesomes are not my thing.

So, what do you think?  Are you ready to try it?  If not, that’s OK.

Now you have an Official Driver’s Manual.  Maybe next year.  Or, sometime.

Internet dating can be a lot of fun.  When you are ready.  Only you can decide.

If you have any questions, the comment section is below.

Picture by lecondevetement

You have ignored the possibility of Empty Nest Syndrome.  Not you. You have a full life and are an independent person.

There has been a flurry of great excitement for a year – applying to colleges, visits, interviews and finally the NEWS.

Then the Senior Prom, graduation, the parties and family gatherings.  Lots going on.

Funny thing has happened lately.  The rebellious teenager who knew everything and you knew nothing has disappeared.

Your child has developed into a real person.  Someone who will sit down and have a conversation with you.  A pleasure to have around.

Just when they become civilized, they leave.

And every time you go by their empty room, you have tears in your eyes.

Here is a poem I wrote about it when it happened to me.

He’s going away in a month or so.

Did I think he would stay all his life?

He’s booking out,

cutting the cord.

Will someone please tell me how I comfort his dog?

His room will be neat,

the laundry all done, the food will last all week.

No guitars on the stairs, no clothes everywhere.

How boring this house will be.

The mark of success in a mother’s life

is when a child can make it alone.

I should have failed a little bit.

He would have had to stay home.

Why do I feel so deserted?

LA’s not the end of the world.

I should smile and pretend I don’t hurt very much.

But he’s more than a son.

I’m losing a friend.

FAST FORWARD –

By Christmas, when your college student comes home, you will have somewhat adjusted to the Empty Nest Syndrome.

(You will also have gotten to enjoy an orderly house)

Tell me again, “how many days do you have off until the next semester?”

A WHOLE MONTH?

Picture by ravynne40

VIDEO, AUDIO AND LIGHTING  – 101

Internet video has a long way to go before it compares to an interview in a studio.  You know that. But it is getting better every day.

These simple tricks will make you better while you wait for it to happen.

Because I am a media coach, I have a great interest in seeing what people are doing –

And more important – where they need improvement.

The following points will make your show look more professional.

If you are alone in the shot, make sure you are centered in the picture.

Side to side and head room and bottom.

Adjust your webcam to get it right.

Maybe sit on a pillow if you are too low.  Back up a little if you are too high.

Check the lighting.

Is it even on your face?  If you brought in an ordinary table lamp to the side, would it help?  Experiment.  You want to look as natural as possible.

Natural may mean that you wear makeup.  Yes, even you guys.  Everyone has some uneven skin tones.  Your camera will pick it up.  Don’t avoid your neck – you don’t want to look like you are wearing a mask.

Wear a color that is flattering to your skin tones.  Avoid red, white and black – black especially if you are black yourself.  You will disappear.

If you are a woman – no dangling earrings – shiny necklaces – and no cleavage.  You want the content of your video to be the main attraction.

What is background that can be seen on the screen?

Move every bit of clutter and aim for as interesting backdrop as possible.  A bookcase or a screen, for example might do it.  Otherwise, clear everything and make it plain.  Nothing is more distracting to your viewer than a messy background.   If necessary, get a king sized sheet in a neutral color and drape it behind you.  Look at Charlie Rose.  He has no set at all.

ON TO YOUR INTERVIEW SHOW WITH A GUEST –

BOTH HEADS SHOULD BE THE SAME SIZE IN THE SHOT.  BOTH SHOULD BE CENTERED TOP TO BOTTOM.

It is more important than ever to not only check the audio to see if it is balanced but also that the lighting is a similar as possible.  One person glaring hot and one dark look amateurish.

Take the time to do this.

You don’t want to hold up your interview subject but explain that you want them to be presented as favorably as possible.  Explain it is for them – not you.

This next suggestion is a little trickier to explain – but it will save you heartache later.

REACTION SHOTS

WHASSAT?

You are all set.  You have your subject and yourself as perfect as you can.  The heads are balanced evenly – the lighting and audio are good.

Now – before you start.

Direct your guest to do the following for about three seconds at a time.  You can cut out the audio later.

Smile

Nod

Look a little surprised

Look as though they are listening intently.

Laugh

Do the same thing for yourself.  These will not go in the interview.  They are an insurance policy.

Yes, you will feel silly but do it anyway.

These shots without audio are to be used as cover edits.  I have seen interviews where the interviewer had to adjust headphones or knocked over a cup of coffee and even – since most of us are doing this interview at home – a small child runs by behind you.  You can continue the interview and cover that part with editing in one of your reaction shots later.

It can save a whole interview if you have this back up.

Tip:  If you use one reaction shot, throw a couple more into the interview so it looks like you meant it to be a part of the interview.

If you feel timid about doing this, send your clients to me.  I will include these instructions in my media coaching.

If you happen to have your guest in person sitting beside you, prerecord a long shot of the two of you sitting together.

One talking for three or four seconds.  Then the other talking.  You will not be using the audio.

This is called an establishing shot.  Get as far back as you can so it is not apparent that the audio on the tape does not match the speaker talking.

It has the added advantage that it makes it look like you are using more than one camera.

Remember your viewers are used to seeing good production techniques on television.  They don’t know the “rules” of basic production but they recognize them.  You want them to see it on your video.

Unless you have devoted watchers or people who are intensely interested in the subject, you will lose them in a few minutes.

We are all practicing together.  And we are getting better at this all the time.

We need you to share your video 101 secrets with us.

Because we are all learning to improve our Internet Video.

Do you have any suggestions?

HIRE CORINNE EDWARDS – MEDIA COACH

Photo by shoot it