FACING DEATH – with fear or acquiescence?

Guest Author – Raymond D. “Bernie” Curran

My Dad died at 41.  I wondered if Dad ever acquiesced to death or was it just forced on him.  Did he have a choice?

One of my most vivid memories is the scene of my Dad’s death.  I was about seven and hiding in the closet of his room.

I remember my Mom calling for the priest.  Priests in those days, while friendly, seldom visited homes. Most were aloof and not very inter personal.

The priest came up the stairs and went immediately to Dad’s bedroom.  Mom had a wooden cross placed on a table next to the bed.  Two candles standing upright were plugged into holes, where, if there were a corpus on the cross, would have been Jesus’ hands.  Mom lit the candles.  Father began the anointing.

Dad was raving. He had a kidney infection that resulted in renal failure. Uremic poison was affecting his brain.  Yet, he knew in his miasma of fear that the priest was administering the last rites.  Shortly afterwards he seemed lucid.  He kissed my Mom and said he was sorry. Mom cried.  The priest left.

Mom had hired a nurse to take care of dad while she slept for a few short hours.  Dad’s breathing became heavy and he seemed agitated.  He tossed. He began gasping.  The nurse placed a towel in front of his face so that Mom could not see Dad.

Mom did not know I was hiding in the closet. I was able to see his face.  He gasped.  His eyes seemed to be filled with fear.  Then there was silence, silence… Dad was gone.

Discussion:

I have lived with the death script most of my life.

Would I die at 41? 51?, 61? I have thought long and hard about death.  Recently I have learned to accept my death as a reality.  I am acquiescing to this happening, even though I don’t understand it.

For the longest time I wondered if I would die young.  I eventually realized that I would out live my Dad’s journey on earth.  I never thought I would live longer than my sister.  Mary died at 63.  I am 71, am going onto 72.

I used to think about death as a phenomenon that would happen but I did not really believe that it would happen to me.  Death happened to others not to me.

When I would think about death I would feel sad.  I would feel sad for my passing.  Why did I have to die? After all, I was such a nice guy.  I even felt bad for my friends. They would no longer have the pleasure of my company.  Or I, of theirs.

The first time I thought I might die was when I broke my elbow.  I saw I was fragile and life is a gift.  I was not superman.  I could be hurt.

Then, a couple of years ago I fell asleep at the wheel and almost drove over a cliff, I realized I was very close to death. That incident was a wake-up call to live and appreciate every moment.

I became a Hospice Volunteer.   I had to face death head on.  My first patient asked me if I were afraid to die.  I told him yes. He told me he had no fear of death.  He told me that when he would go into a coughing fit and could not breathe, he would become very quiet inside.  He perceived God wrapping his arms around him.

He said one of these times he would not recover and God would hold him in his embrace forever: peaceful, quiet, loving.  He had learned to acquiesce.

As I get older, I think of the riddle of the Sphinx, the one that reflects mankind’s life through time.

“What walks on four legs, then on two, and lastly on three?”

As infants, we walk on all four, as we mature two legs, and in old age, three.  Old people often use a cane.

My patient had accepted the riddle of the Sphinx and so death had no hold on him.  Even though he was dying of COPD and might go at any moment he lived life to the fullest because the fear of death did not control him.

I thought how lucky I was to be his volunteer and be taught by my patient.

I thought of the old adage I used to tell volunteers at Safer Foundation.  I directed a prison rehabilitation program and the saying was “Givers get and takers lose.”

My patient had given me a phenomenal insight.  I began to let go of my fear of death.

I don’t understand death.  I realize philosophically it is a deprivation of life.  Death then is a state different than being alive.  Deprivation is the lack of life but is there a positive side to death?  I am losing what I perceive to be life even as I speak.  For me aging is a certain diminishment of life.

Death is that state of not being as we are now. Is it the portal, the doorway to the experience of the Totally Other, That  Which Is, God?

I think I fear how I am going to die.  I fear pain but in letting go of death I seem to experience the joy of life.  I am freer.

I still wonder about the mystery of a life to come?  I wonder if there is a new life of perception after we die.

I question if our final conscious moment is that life to come?

Or is there an on-going psychic, spiritual life in the presence of That Which Is.

Do we become more totally Other than we are now?   If I had a choice I would like it to go on.  No matter if there is or there is not, life, as we know it here, I have served my purpose.  God is putting His arms around me.  I am entering His Otherness.  My role is to let go and let God and in His arms I trust.

Jesus, God’s son, accepted death, even death on a cross.  He rose my faith tells me.  Is death and resurrection the same mystery?  Is it over in a second?  Does a new life begin?

To let go of life is not to die.  The letting go is to live, fearlessly, each moment.  The final moment, from a human point of view, is to enter into bliss, forever. That is what apparently happened to Jesus.

So at this point in life, I have let go of the fear.  I wonder what my final moments will be like based on curiosity.  I am intrigued by the phenomenon of the last seconds on earth.

I was present at my Mom’s death.  Unlike my Dad, she had no fear.  She was trying to describe the “other side” to me while still here on earth.

She gave me physical life; she gave me a hope in the future by letting me experience her death.  Is the future the final moment?  Or does it perdure?

It does not matter.  God is…

Raymond D. “Bernie” Curran is a former Passionist Catholic priest, psychotherapist, business man, and lobbyist,  He co-founded the Safer Foundation, a non profit working exclusively with ex-offenders which has grown from a staff of  11 to some 350 members; from impacting 300 ex-offenders in 1970 to over 6,000 today.

He has been featured in the Magazine Section of the Sunday Chicago Tribune. He was also featured in the Chicago Sun Times as a Person You Should Know.  He has appeared on both radio and television and has written Guest Editorials for several newspapers.  He was also a Board Member of the United Way of Chicago and named.”Person of the Year” during his tenure.

He, his wife, Phyllis and  two dogs are retired and live in Iowa.

Copyright – Raymond D. Curran 2009

Bernie welcomes your comment below!