A few years ago, I volunteered to work on a crisis line in Chicago.
Before we were put on the telephones to receive calls, we were given an extensive training. The psychologist who was in charge surprised us all with her opening statement.
She said she knew we were all good people and that we would not be volunteering if we did not want to help.
Then, she dropped the bomb. She said, “If we thought that giving advice would help anyone, we would be the first to tell you to do it. You must start with the premise that no one wants advice. They may ask for it, but they don’t want to hear it.”
What? Why couldn’t we just tell them what to do? Some of the examples she gave of the questions people asked had such simple solutions.
“It is not that we cannot guide,” she said, “but most of the people who call are not ready to take any action. That may come on their 30th call.”
Chances are, she continued, we might be getting the first or sixth call. All they needed at that point was to be kept afloat. To be heard. To be offered a kind ear. No one changes a life situation until they are ready. And, when they are ready, they do it.
There were a few exceptions. We were to take action immediately if a child was in danger. We had a special signal to alert our supervisor in this case and we were to keep the person on the telephone long enough for the police to trace the call and to send help. We were to try to find out where the child was in the meantime.
The other instance was a suicide call. What was interesting is that people do not call and say directly, “I am going to commit suicide.” Most of them allude vaguely that life is too hard, or they have nothing to live for. They talk around the subject.
We have heard things like that from friends. And what we do is skirt around the issue and try to lighten up the conversation or distract them with other things. We don’t like to talk about death. It is too uncomfortable.
My friend, Arlene, and I were talking about a life insurance salesman who came to visit her and her husband. She thought it was funny that in his sales pitch he kept saying, “God forbid – if you should die —-“ IF?
On the crisis line, the psychologist said we were to confront the person who was calling directly and loudly with the statement, “I DON’T WANT YOU TO KILL YOURSELF!”
We are all afraid to say that dreadful word “suicide” to anyone because we feel maybe they are not saying that – perhaps we have misunderstood – maybe we are giving them an idea they don’t have. She said, NO. They already have the idea. Whether we are on a crisis line or in your personal life, you have to confront it directly.
Sometimes this confrontation is shock enough to stop someone. There is something about the statement that is sobering to say the least. They will back off.
Again, we had an arrangement with the police if we thought the person was serious and more important, had the means such a gun or pills nearby. We were told to ask. We were to convince them to put the items in a different room while they talked to us. New people were monitored if we got a call like that and we did not have to take the whole responsibility on ourselves. But, I must admit, there were days when I went home shaking.
This came up in my personal life. An acquaintance I knew from a support group called me and told me she was so depressed that she was going to kill herself. I not only told her not to do it but I called her daughter who saw to it that she got medical attention. She did not speak to me for years. But, she did not kill herself.
Most of the calls on the crisis line were from people who were unhappy. They trained us in what they called “active listening”. To repeat back to the person what they have just said to us in our own words. For example, “What I am hearing you say is that you are unhappy with —-“ And, to just hear them out.
The training I got from that crisis line has been invaluable in many areas of life. It has made me a better life coach, friend and mother.
We all usually have our own answers within us. The psychologist is right.
They and we – may ask for advice but we don’t want it. By letting people talk to us, by finding someone to hear us out, we are helped in finding the way. Our own way.
My friend, Michael, sent me his version of the famous Serenity Prayer.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know it’s me.”
{ 2 trackbacks }
Comments on this entry are closed.